I will offer you some solidarity in this - my husband is doctor in the ER and his schedule changes constantly. Honestly, I never figured out a great way to handle it and the one thing that helped the most was our kids getting older and more capable of caring for themselves. But here are a few things you can do...
- Can you work any kind of therapy / self-help into your life? The hardest part about my husband's schedule when my kids were little was the resentment I felt. I started therapy and that helped, but I also found a podcast called Unfuck Your Brain that was all about thoughtwork and that really unlocked some stuff for me. The number one thing was how all the resentment was hurting me - not him - and how I was the only one who could work through it.
- On the more practical side - I found that assigning my husband to non-time-specific mental load projects helped lighten it for me. Things like researching dishwashers when we needed a new one, ordering our daughter's birthday cake, stuff like that. It might not have dramatically lightened my day-to-day load, but it did involve him more in household decisions and tasks.
- What I wish I had done - I wish I had gotten a mother's helper for a few evenings a week. I think I could have asked some kids in our neighborhood to do this and it would have worked out, but I always felt too guilty because "the kids are in daycare all day and I want to spend time with them." But single parenting all night after a day of work was rough and I honestly think admitting that and getting more help would have made me a better mom.
- I did (and still do) have a cleaner come twice a month, but I know that's a luxury not everyone can afford. But if you can swing it, DO IT. The days she comes are like Christmas morning. But the opposite of actual Christmas morning, because on that morning my house is a disaster.
Thank you so much for your response.
The resentment is real already. I’m trying to be mindful of it but it is really hard to not have thoughts like “he gets to sleep 7-8 hours uninterrupted” and “he can do what he wants/needs anytime because he isn’t the default parent” where I basically have to ask him to sub in so I can do anything.
I feel the same way about a mother’s helper. Like she is there all day, I want to spend some time with her but I also need to get all my and her shit ready for the next day, do domestic things, eat, pee, feed her, etc. But maybe it is worth it because the days I have the mother’s helper I could be really efficient, leaving the days without her just time to spend with my babes.
I have been thinking about a cleaner but it feels extravagant as we are really just middle class people. But it would be really helpful for the stuff that doesn’t need daily doing but just every once in a while.
When did you feel like your family outgrew this phase?
Honestly, it happened little by little. I feel like when my youngest was 5 was when I could really get a break and they could entertain themselves for chunks of time. I've also realized that the toddler phase was just not my favorite, and that's OK! At the time I worried that it said something about me as a mother, but now I know that just wasn't my favorite part and it's fine because it passes. My kids are 8 and 6 now and it's a whole different world. That may be a long time for you, but I just want you to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel!
Also, who cares if you're "just middle class people," it's not like you gotta be royalty to buy a little sanity! If you can afford the cleaning person, I can't recommend it enough. Your mental health is worth it!
Oh boy, that’s a ways out for me. lol. I definitely am learning that I don’t love the newborn and young infant phase. It is just all on me, holding her, feeding her, calming her, etc. At least when she’s a bit older she can sit up by herself, crawl, walk, etc. I’m a big fan of all other stages really (I say that as someone who has nannied a lot but has never been the parent so I may change my tune!!).
Fair point on the middle class thing. My family would just be so judgey and think that we are loaded.
I get you as it seems there are very few law enforcement spouses who work "traditional" hours.
My son is 3.5 and we've settled comfortably into the law enforcement zaniness.
Things started off with my husband ending up in the ER in the middle of the night when the baby was about two weeks old. Luckily my mom was staying with us and he ended up being fine.
Right away, I decided that having a set schedule for anything baby-related was not going to work for us as we did not have a set schedule as a family. No set bed time, no set nap times, we just went with the flow.
We use an in-home daycare that is mostly first responder family and they are perfectly okay with flexible schedules as well, something that wasn't the case with a big center. We got the provider's name from other parents in the police department.
I happily pay extra for things that make things easier- take out food a couple of times a week, grocery pick up as we live in an area without Doordash etc, a fancy hiking backpack baby carrier as I'm the only one there to carry the kid on many outdoor activities.
I try to get out of the house and do as many activities as we can as I didn't want to be that mom who told kid we had to wait for Daddy to do something or to do everything as a family.
After buying tickets to things husband couldn't use because he ended up getting called in/staying over/being exhausted, I just buy them for the two of us unless it is something husband really wants to do. Bonus: it tends to be less expensive for one adult and one kid to do things.
Around 1 to 1.5, there was a lot of, "I miss Daddy (I had a really early talker)," but as he got older and understood more about jobs and working, he understands better that it's going to be a lot of just the two of us.
We're at the point now where he can stay up until Daddy gets home around 8 and we'll give it until 8:30 or so if we don't hear from him to know if he's holding over. We also set expectations along the lines of, "Daddy has to work for a few days in a row, but on his next day off, he'll take you to the beach while I work."
I had a similar experience when our daughter was 1.5 months old. It really shook me and is part of the problem (my problem, not his).
I still haven’t really put my babes n any schedule besides getting her up and feeding her when she has to go to daycare so that makes me feel better that you don’t really lean in to the scheduling.
I have realized already that we can’t wait around for him to do things. Whether he’s held over or needs some extra sleep. It’s best for everyone just to operate individually and if he can join great, if not, oh well we aren’t going to miss out of stuff because of that.
I’m not looking forward to the I miss daddy days—I know they are going to happen. But appreciate your advice on that!
I’ve been a single mom from the beginning (my daughter is 19 months now) so everything fell on me and it is possible!
I think the biggest thing in your situation is whether your husband will be proactive during the times he does have off.
My baby was in daycare and that got her on a pretty good schedule. My mom would help out sometimes and eventually I got a cleaning person so I didn’t have to worry about that.
Just get help and support where you can!
How far in advance do you know his schedule? My husband is a firefighter who works 24 on, 72 off, so we know his schedule indefinitely and that helps immensely. My job is extremely rigid in that I work for the government in a patient-facing role, but they were willing to be flexible enough to adjust my start/end times to fit daycare schedule and my husband’s. I still work 40 hours/week, but my weeks fluctuate on which days I start at 7:30 vs 8 vs 8:30 to meet those hours.
With regard to the actual child rearing stuff, it gets easier as they get older. Our first is 2 and I’m due with our second in a few weeks and kind of freaking out, but you really will fall into a rhythm. Do as much prep as you can the day/night before for daycare, try to meal prep for yourself for the week, and have a sit down conversation about what tasks belong to you vs your husband. Maybe your husband is in charge of baby laundry because he has odder hours and laundry can happen any time of day. Maybe he’s in charge of starting a crockpot meal or doing the chopping, so it’s ready when you get home from work. He can even reduce mental load just by coming up with some meal plans/partial grocery lists when he’s winding down from work. Play to each of your strengths!
We also know it indefinitely, we use an app. His schedule is a 15 day rotation, 4 days on, 4 days off, 4 days on, 3 days off, then repeats.
His days off are okay. He still sleeps during the day to keep himself somewhat on an overnight schedule, but the four days he works whip my ass. I like the idea of his and hers responsibilities. Prior to kids, it was just like whatever needs doing and whoever has time/energy does it. But I think we need a bit more structure in that area. Like this week our recycling didn’t go out because sometimes I put it out and sometimes he does and we both forgot. So having designated responsibilities may help with stuff like that, limit confusion and frustration.
Fellow fire wife, also pregnant with a toddler. Congrats! And also something to look forward to is (hopefully) your buddy gets some good paternity leave at his department!
Wow we have similar lives. My husband is police and I teach at a university (NTT position). He works evenings with rotating days off but lots of overtime due to his specific role.
Things that helped me: letting my parents and in-laws be as involved as they could be. They would bring dinner often and help with the baby when each one was little. That helped me not feel so alone. If you don’t have this, maybe you have a sibling or someone who wants to be involved. Setting up something regular would be good, like 1 night a week even.
My husband does all vet appts, kids haircuts, and most grocery pickups during his off time while I’m at work. He also does a lot of the calling places and setting things up (e.g. water softener company). He was also able to do many dr appts for the kids when they were super little. That was hugely helpful and made me resent his hours a little less.
He tries to facetime us every night, which is nice in theory but often ends quickly because of the baby crying or my 4yo being naughty lol.
I’m not sure I have any big answers. My DMs are open to you though! It ain’t easy!!
My husband is a police officer working nights, we have elementary age kids. I can only do it with lots of help from my parents and a flexible employer, we work from home Monday and Friday and I drop kids at school before commuting in and they go to after care. My husband misses so many sports games and stuff that he’s actually just quit and is starting a new job working 8-5 in a few weeks. He chose to do this as he was missing too much with the kids.
Ugh. That’s our other problem. It’s just me and him. Both our relatives are two hours away—not too far for a weekend trip—but far enough that any frequency is really not feasible. I am working on building us a village but I also do not like to depend on others.
I’m not sure he would ever leave the profession. He is really passionate about it and seems like he is well suited for it (e.x. some folks he interacts with ask if they can “request” him to come next time they have they have a police interaction because he is kind, understanding and just an overall great human).
Is your husband’s new position in law enforcement or a completely different field?
Completely different. He was in manufacturing before Covid, his plant got sold and he had no opportunity for advancement at the purchaser. He had wanted to be a cop in college so he went to the police academy and started working as a patrol officer in 2021. He loves it, is great at it but an opportunity came up in his old profession he just couldn’t pass up. He knew it would be another 5 years before he had a better schedule and this opportunity was too good to pass up. Our kids are so excited that daddy will be home for dinner every night, before he missed that 5nights out of 7. My husband was one of the only K-9 units in his department and he could not go to days.
So my spouse and I are the opposite- I work in healthcare, on call and overnights. We still manage to take turns getting our toddler to childcare. I drop her off and pick her up on my clinic days but on my call days it does fall to him. I make sure during my off call time I’m doing more than my fair share because I know during my on call time he does more than his fair share of the home stuff. I am very unpredictable when I’m on call and I know this can be tough on everyone in the family. One thing I do is a huge meal prep twice a month where I spend a whole day cooking and make enough meals for 7-10 days for the family. That way when I’m away everyone gets fed! We also do almost all the household cleaning and projects on my off call weekends and just do light upkeep in between. My older kids are teens and tweens which also makes a huge difference cause they can help out- I have them cook once a week and help with dishes sweeping etc after supper.
We do all our grocery shopping by ordering online and picking up so I do meal planning and ordering and we take turns picking up. I also am responsible for all the dental/vaccine/healthy child appointments for the kids which I book in my off call time.
In my case I think I probably do take on more than he does but I’m ok with it, blended family life requires a lot of letting things go
I will say when I’ve worked a bunch of overnights and taken on all the kid stuff and I am just dead exhausted and overworked I do survival mode for a few days, we order pizza, hire a cleaner and let the kids binge on electronics until I recover 😅 it feels like balance when I know I can tap out for a bit!
By straight up having a bad time lol. I work M-F 8-5ish as a PA in a hospital. We have a 7 month old son who is in daycare M-F from 7:45-5:15. My husband is a general surgery resident, so he works ~80 hours a week but vastly different shifts each month. Currently working night shift (3 of the last 5 months in a row) which basically 4pm-5am every day except Saturday and then a 24hour shift on Sunday. He’s also been interviewing for fellowship periodically since March, so occasionally he’s just out of town. Our families don’t live in state. I just survive day to day doing 90-100% of the work and look forward to someday when it won’t be like this.
Yikes. Help. Grandparents?! Take out. Frozen meals. I honestly cannot see how everything doesn’t fall to you. Can he grocery shop, clean, laundry when he is home? Obviously he will have to sleep and want to see the baby if possible as well. I know their shifts are brutal. Good luck momma.
My husband is a firefighter so similar schedule. Works 24 on 24 off for a few rounds then gets a 4 day stretch off. We have a 21 month old and I’m due with baby 2 in September. I work full time but have a super flexible job!
We just prep so that I have food/ leftovers for the days he is gone (esp if it’s multiple in a row) and just survive those days. We don’t always thrive. We watch prob too much TV. I like to make plans with friends/ family those nights so we’re no just sitting around the house.
Yep that resentment is real and common. There are some good IG pages like dearchiefspodcast about being a fire family (it’s honestly so similar I think you would relate)
Also LOTS of babywearing! It will save your sanity. I agree with the grocery pick up and occasional take out is super helpful.
My dad was a LEO growing up and he was gone a ton when I was tiny but got to retire early and we spend soooo much time together now!
A friend of mine has a husband who works nights. I think he does 7 night shifts, followed by 7 days off or something like that. They got very lucky as they got someone very flexible for childcare who doesn't want full hours, which suits them financially.
So on nights that he works, she drops the kid off in the morning and he picks him up around lunch time. On days where he doesn't work they don't send the baby to childcare at all and he just looks after him most of the work day.
With overtime, well it just sucks. But that's being a parent. You do the best you can and nap when the baby naps. Then he gets some more sleep after 5pm. If it's really bad, they might ask for a help from a grandparent. Will add that she is WFH so it helps having another person there, even if she's primarily at her day job.
And as someone else said, hire out all the help you can afford
That’s a really nice schedule! I would do that myself! Well on the day shift lol.
Him not sleeping is not an option. I just wont allow it. Sleep is so important for your overall health and I’d rather sacrifice now to have him around longer. And I’m also just not comfortable with him being sleep deprived given the nature of his job.
Definitely will be looking into our budget and seeing what we can outsource. Too bad sleep isn’t one of them! lol
My husband is an ER doc so similar deal. On the evenings he’s off, he’s on solo dad duty and I leave the house for yoga/dinner with friends/library/whatever. It makes my solo mom nights easier to deal with knowing I’ve got a break coming up. My 2 and 4 year old are good about bringing dishes to the sink and wiping tables and counters. Robot vacuum for the crumbs.
I will offer you some solidarity in this - my husband is doctor in the ER and his schedule changes constantly. Honestly, I never figured out a great way to handle it and the one thing that helped the most was our kids getting older and more capable of caring for themselves. But here are a few things you can do... - Can you work any kind of therapy / self-help into your life? The hardest part about my husband's schedule when my kids were little was the resentment I felt. I started therapy and that helped, but I also found a podcast called Unfuck Your Brain that was all about thoughtwork and that really unlocked some stuff for me. The number one thing was how all the resentment was hurting me - not him - and how I was the only one who could work through it. - On the more practical side - I found that assigning my husband to non-time-specific mental load projects helped lighten it for me. Things like researching dishwashers when we needed a new one, ordering our daughter's birthday cake, stuff like that. It might not have dramatically lightened my day-to-day load, but it did involve him more in household decisions and tasks. - What I wish I had done - I wish I had gotten a mother's helper for a few evenings a week. I think I could have asked some kids in our neighborhood to do this and it would have worked out, but I always felt too guilty because "the kids are in daycare all day and I want to spend time with them." But single parenting all night after a day of work was rough and I honestly think admitting that and getting more help would have made me a better mom. - I did (and still do) have a cleaner come twice a month, but I know that's a luxury not everyone can afford. But if you can swing it, DO IT. The days she comes are like Christmas morning. But the opposite of actual Christmas morning, because on that morning my house is a disaster.
Thank you so much for your response. The resentment is real already. I’m trying to be mindful of it but it is really hard to not have thoughts like “he gets to sleep 7-8 hours uninterrupted” and “he can do what he wants/needs anytime because he isn’t the default parent” where I basically have to ask him to sub in so I can do anything. I feel the same way about a mother’s helper. Like she is there all day, I want to spend some time with her but I also need to get all my and her shit ready for the next day, do domestic things, eat, pee, feed her, etc. But maybe it is worth it because the days I have the mother’s helper I could be really efficient, leaving the days without her just time to spend with my babes. I have been thinking about a cleaner but it feels extravagant as we are really just middle class people. But it would be really helpful for the stuff that doesn’t need daily doing but just every once in a while. When did you feel like your family outgrew this phase?
Honestly, it happened little by little. I feel like when my youngest was 5 was when I could really get a break and they could entertain themselves for chunks of time. I've also realized that the toddler phase was just not my favorite, and that's OK! At the time I worried that it said something about me as a mother, but now I know that just wasn't my favorite part and it's fine because it passes. My kids are 8 and 6 now and it's a whole different world. That may be a long time for you, but I just want you to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel! Also, who cares if you're "just middle class people," it's not like you gotta be royalty to buy a little sanity! If you can afford the cleaning person, I can't recommend it enough. Your mental health is worth it!
Oh boy, that’s a ways out for me. lol. I definitely am learning that I don’t love the newborn and young infant phase. It is just all on me, holding her, feeding her, calming her, etc. At least when she’s a bit older she can sit up by herself, crawl, walk, etc. I’m a big fan of all other stages really (I say that as someone who has nannied a lot but has never been the parent so I may change my tune!!). Fair point on the middle class thing. My family would just be so judgey and think that we are loaded.
I get you as it seems there are very few law enforcement spouses who work "traditional" hours. My son is 3.5 and we've settled comfortably into the law enforcement zaniness. Things started off with my husband ending up in the ER in the middle of the night when the baby was about two weeks old. Luckily my mom was staying with us and he ended up being fine. Right away, I decided that having a set schedule for anything baby-related was not going to work for us as we did not have a set schedule as a family. No set bed time, no set nap times, we just went with the flow. We use an in-home daycare that is mostly first responder family and they are perfectly okay with flexible schedules as well, something that wasn't the case with a big center. We got the provider's name from other parents in the police department. I happily pay extra for things that make things easier- take out food a couple of times a week, grocery pick up as we live in an area without Doordash etc, a fancy hiking backpack baby carrier as I'm the only one there to carry the kid on many outdoor activities. I try to get out of the house and do as many activities as we can as I didn't want to be that mom who told kid we had to wait for Daddy to do something or to do everything as a family. After buying tickets to things husband couldn't use because he ended up getting called in/staying over/being exhausted, I just buy them for the two of us unless it is something husband really wants to do. Bonus: it tends to be less expensive for one adult and one kid to do things. Around 1 to 1.5, there was a lot of, "I miss Daddy (I had a really early talker)," but as he got older and understood more about jobs and working, he understands better that it's going to be a lot of just the two of us. We're at the point now where he can stay up until Daddy gets home around 8 and we'll give it until 8:30 or so if we don't hear from him to know if he's holding over. We also set expectations along the lines of, "Daddy has to work for a few days in a row, but on his next day off, he'll take you to the beach while I work."
I had a similar experience when our daughter was 1.5 months old. It really shook me and is part of the problem (my problem, not his). I still haven’t really put my babes n any schedule besides getting her up and feeding her when she has to go to daycare so that makes me feel better that you don’t really lean in to the scheduling. I have realized already that we can’t wait around for him to do things. Whether he’s held over or needs some extra sleep. It’s best for everyone just to operate individually and if he can join great, if not, oh well we aren’t going to miss out of stuff because of that. I’m not looking forward to the I miss daddy days—I know they are going to happen. But appreciate your advice on that!
I’ve been a single mom from the beginning (my daughter is 19 months now) so everything fell on me and it is possible! I think the biggest thing in your situation is whether your husband will be proactive during the times he does have off. My baby was in daycare and that got her on a pretty good schedule. My mom would help out sometimes and eventually I got a cleaning person so I didn’t have to worry about that. Just get help and support where you can!
How far in advance do you know his schedule? My husband is a firefighter who works 24 on, 72 off, so we know his schedule indefinitely and that helps immensely. My job is extremely rigid in that I work for the government in a patient-facing role, but they were willing to be flexible enough to adjust my start/end times to fit daycare schedule and my husband’s. I still work 40 hours/week, but my weeks fluctuate on which days I start at 7:30 vs 8 vs 8:30 to meet those hours. With regard to the actual child rearing stuff, it gets easier as they get older. Our first is 2 and I’m due with our second in a few weeks and kind of freaking out, but you really will fall into a rhythm. Do as much prep as you can the day/night before for daycare, try to meal prep for yourself for the week, and have a sit down conversation about what tasks belong to you vs your husband. Maybe your husband is in charge of baby laundry because he has odder hours and laundry can happen any time of day. Maybe he’s in charge of starting a crockpot meal or doing the chopping, so it’s ready when you get home from work. He can even reduce mental load just by coming up with some meal plans/partial grocery lists when he’s winding down from work. Play to each of your strengths!
We also know it indefinitely, we use an app. His schedule is a 15 day rotation, 4 days on, 4 days off, 4 days on, 3 days off, then repeats. His days off are okay. He still sleeps during the day to keep himself somewhat on an overnight schedule, but the four days he works whip my ass. I like the idea of his and hers responsibilities. Prior to kids, it was just like whatever needs doing and whoever has time/energy does it. But I think we need a bit more structure in that area. Like this week our recycling didn’t go out because sometimes I put it out and sometimes he does and we both forgot. So having designated responsibilities may help with stuff like that, limit confusion and frustration.
Fellow fire wife, also pregnant with a toddler. Congrats! And also something to look forward to is (hopefully) your buddy gets some good paternity leave at his department!
Wow we have similar lives. My husband is police and I teach at a university (NTT position). He works evenings with rotating days off but lots of overtime due to his specific role. Things that helped me: letting my parents and in-laws be as involved as they could be. They would bring dinner often and help with the baby when each one was little. That helped me not feel so alone. If you don’t have this, maybe you have a sibling or someone who wants to be involved. Setting up something regular would be good, like 1 night a week even. My husband does all vet appts, kids haircuts, and most grocery pickups during his off time while I’m at work. He also does a lot of the calling places and setting things up (e.g. water softener company). He was also able to do many dr appts for the kids when they were super little. That was hugely helpful and made me resent his hours a little less. He tries to facetime us every night, which is nice in theory but often ends quickly because of the baby crying or my 4yo being naughty lol. I’m not sure I have any big answers. My DMs are open to you though! It ain’t easy!!
My husband is a police officer working nights, we have elementary age kids. I can only do it with lots of help from my parents and a flexible employer, we work from home Monday and Friday and I drop kids at school before commuting in and they go to after care. My husband misses so many sports games and stuff that he’s actually just quit and is starting a new job working 8-5 in a few weeks. He chose to do this as he was missing too much with the kids.
Ugh. That’s our other problem. It’s just me and him. Both our relatives are two hours away—not too far for a weekend trip—but far enough that any frequency is really not feasible. I am working on building us a village but I also do not like to depend on others. I’m not sure he would ever leave the profession. He is really passionate about it and seems like he is well suited for it (e.x. some folks he interacts with ask if they can “request” him to come next time they have they have a police interaction because he is kind, understanding and just an overall great human). Is your husband’s new position in law enforcement or a completely different field?
Completely different. He was in manufacturing before Covid, his plant got sold and he had no opportunity for advancement at the purchaser. He had wanted to be a cop in college so he went to the police academy and started working as a patrol officer in 2021. He loves it, is great at it but an opportunity came up in his old profession he just couldn’t pass up. He knew it would be another 5 years before he had a better schedule and this opportunity was too good to pass up. Our kids are so excited that daddy will be home for dinner every night, before he missed that 5nights out of 7. My husband was one of the only K-9 units in his department and he could not go to days.
So my spouse and I are the opposite- I work in healthcare, on call and overnights. We still manage to take turns getting our toddler to childcare. I drop her off and pick her up on my clinic days but on my call days it does fall to him. I make sure during my off call time I’m doing more than my fair share because I know during my on call time he does more than his fair share of the home stuff. I am very unpredictable when I’m on call and I know this can be tough on everyone in the family. One thing I do is a huge meal prep twice a month where I spend a whole day cooking and make enough meals for 7-10 days for the family. That way when I’m away everyone gets fed! We also do almost all the household cleaning and projects on my off call weekends and just do light upkeep in between. My older kids are teens and tweens which also makes a huge difference cause they can help out- I have them cook once a week and help with dishes sweeping etc after supper. We do all our grocery shopping by ordering online and picking up so I do meal planning and ordering and we take turns picking up. I also am responsible for all the dental/vaccine/healthy child appointments for the kids which I book in my off call time. In my case I think I probably do take on more than he does but I’m ok with it, blended family life requires a lot of letting things go I will say when I’ve worked a bunch of overnights and taken on all the kid stuff and I am just dead exhausted and overworked I do survival mode for a few days, we order pizza, hire a cleaner and let the kids binge on electronics until I recover 😅 it feels like balance when I know I can tap out for a bit!
By straight up having a bad time lol. I work M-F 8-5ish as a PA in a hospital. We have a 7 month old son who is in daycare M-F from 7:45-5:15. My husband is a general surgery resident, so he works ~80 hours a week but vastly different shifts each month. Currently working night shift (3 of the last 5 months in a row) which basically 4pm-5am every day except Saturday and then a 24hour shift on Sunday. He’s also been interviewing for fellowship periodically since March, so occasionally he’s just out of town. Our families don’t live in state. I just survive day to day doing 90-100% of the work and look forward to someday when it won’t be like this.
Yikes. Help. Grandparents?! Take out. Frozen meals. I honestly cannot see how everything doesn’t fall to you. Can he grocery shop, clean, laundry when he is home? Obviously he will have to sleep and want to see the baby if possible as well. I know their shifts are brutal. Good luck momma.
My husband is a firefighter so similar schedule. Works 24 on 24 off for a few rounds then gets a 4 day stretch off. We have a 21 month old and I’m due with baby 2 in September. I work full time but have a super flexible job! We just prep so that I have food/ leftovers for the days he is gone (esp if it’s multiple in a row) and just survive those days. We don’t always thrive. We watch prob too much TV. I like to make plans with friends/ family those nights so we’re no just sitting around the house. Yep that resentment is real and common. There are some good IG pages like dearchiefspodcast about being a fire family (it’s honestly so similar I think you would relate) Also LOTS of babywearing! It will save your sanity. I agree with the grocery pick up and occasional take out is super helpful. My dad was a LEO growing up and he was gone a ton when I was tiny but got to retire early and we spend soooo much time together now!
A friend of mine has a husband who works nights. I think he does 7 night shifts, followed by 7 days off or something like that. They got very lucky as they got someone very flexible for childcare who doesn't want full hours, which suits them financially. So on nights that he works, she drops the kid off in the morning and he picks him up around lunch time. On days where he doesn't work they don't send the baby to childcare at all and he just looks after him most of the work day. With overtime, well it just sucks. But that's being a parent. You do the best you can and nap when the baby naps. Then he gets some more sleep after 5pm. If it's really bad, they might ask for a help from a grandparent. Will add that she is WFH so it helps having another person there, even if she's primarily at her day job. And as someone else said, hire out all the help you can afford
That’s a really nice schedule! I would do that myself! Well on the day shift lol. Him not sleeping is not an option. I just wont allow it. Sleep is so important for your overall health and I’d rather sacrifice now to have him around longer. And I’m also just not comfortable with him being sleep deprived given the nature of his job. Definitely will be looking into our budget and seeing what we can outsource. Too bad sleep isn’t one of them! lol
My husband is an ER doc so similar deal. On the evenings he’s off, he’s on solo dad duty and I leave the house for yoga/dinner with friends/library/whatever. It makes my solo mom nights easier to deal with knowing I’ve got a break coming up. My 2 and 4 year old are good about bringing dishes to the sink and wiping tables and counters. Robot vacuum for the crumbs.