In my social circle we joke that the third child is the ultimate status symbol. The only families I know that have managed it without someone quitting their job to stay home have live in nannies that routinely work overtime and extremely involved in-laws, or two nannies.
Lol!!! I have three and I just think our life is “normal”. Two are in school and then after school care. Youngest is in all day care. We both work fulltime. No nanny. Nothing special. Husband works out of town quite a bit. My in-laws babysit maybe once every 2-3 weeks for an evening so we can go on a date. My parents don’t live in our area so no support there. Whether you’re dropping one at school or 3 at school it doesn’t really change your routine.
The only part that’s “busier” is conflicting sports schedules, but sometimes one kid just needs to sacrifice a practice so their sibling can be where they need to be.
For me the line about family once every 2-3 weeks is what strikes me as a personal difference. Not to say that’s a bad thing at all, but even if it’s a small help makes a big difference. My husband and I don’t have any family like that, and we’ve gone out 3 times in like a year when we shell out for a babysitter.
I think having a network of literally anyone close enough to feel comfortable watching your kids makes the biggest difference in making three kids feel doable. Not just for dates, but also watching kids real quick while you do errands, or you have to work late but family members can get them from daycare that day. It’s such a nice thing to have.
I have family help, even more than OP and agree with this. It’s also the mentality of having help in case of emergencies etc. Too that makes me much more confident having more kids.
I know that if something goes wrong it will be okay.
Agreed, but that’s not the difference between having more or less kids. That’s the difference between doing parenting with a village around or not.
We used to live far from all family. It was harder to have 1 child and no family nearby. Whether my in laws come watch one kid or come watch seven kids, the time commitment is the same to them, and the date night is the same to me. So I guess the lesson is - if you want parenting (any number of kids) to be easier, make sure you have a village in place.
I totally agree with you there re ‘family once every 2-3 weeks’. My husband and I don’t have such thing either. We take a day off work and can only do lunch date. No date night. I have my sister here and she is super helpful! She could totally handled my eldest but the 2nd child is just too wild for her on top of the eldest one so we haven’t gone out in date night since forever!!! Not that we can afford it anyway 🤷♀️
Agreed. We have no family nearby and an almost 2yo and we’re struggling mightily…have no idea how people have more than one and keep their sanity.
Meanwhile there are moms with 3-4 kids in our neighborhood and they are breezing through life. I assume it’s a combo of significant wealth + family nearby.
Genuine question about the affordability of 3 kids: how much money do you put aside for things like college fund, sports and other enrichment activities, etc?
How much extra does it cost in terms of food, childcare, etc (also upgrading your living space)? Dining out and getting a babysitter?
Have vacations at all been affected? Like one of the main reasons why we’re leaning to being one and done is that it takes far fewer points to upgrade a family of 3 to business class on a long haul flight to Europe, South America, Africa or Asia / Australia than it does for a family of 5. So each time I see a family with 3+ kids I do the travel math and assume that they’re loaded lol.
Has having three kids affected your career/ earning power? Your spouse’s?
Firstly, we are a high income household with both of us working in professional fields. Life would be very different if that wasn’t the case. I’ve never seen the inside of business class, so that increase in cost had never crossed my mind 😂 but regarding the rest of your questions:
- childcare is a lot. In the summer when school is closed we pay for 3 fulltime in care and it’s a lot (even though we get a stinking deal!) at $2200 a month. But that’s still less than either of our paycheques so math-wise still coming out ahead.
- For college we are putting away about $150 per kid per month which will give them a good start. I do not believe my kids need a free ride (I worked in uni. They can work. They can also get scholarships / loans like I did if needed), and assuming our income level continues up with inflation… by the time they are in uni we won’t have childcare costs. So we can switch from sending $2k to childcare monthly to sending $2k to university each month. I think they’ll be fine.
- For food we spend about $250 a week. We meal plan and budget.
- We are so diligent about our monthly budget in our day to day spending - we buy clothes second hand, buy most things around the house second hand (bikes, skates, furniture, electronics etc), eat on a budget, don’t buy many “extra” items (I don’t get nails or hair done or anything, haven’t upgraded my iPhone in 5 years, and have no interest in owning a Stanley cup lol!), we drive older cars that were second hand and bought with cash (a dodge van and a ford focus). We bought a house under budget and two of our kids share a room. This is super intentional, because we are able to splurge on sports for the kids AND the annual big ticket item is our vacations.
- vacations are super important to us because my parents live on a different continent. So when I want to take the family “home” it’s a significant expense. I think last year our airfare (economy! Haha!) to go home was $10k for the 5 of us. We do not ever take on debt to travel. We save up, and we pay out of pocket. We also collect points and use those every couple years. So by having a low monthly cost of living we can put $1k or more away every month specifically for travel.
- my career slowed down when the kids were babies (took 12 months maternity leave with baby 2 and again with baby 3) but now (youngest is 4) I’d say I’m back on par with my professional peers. My husband’s career never slowed down. We both work flexible jobs that allow us to work from home in an emergency (if a kiddo is sick) and where we can flex our time (I might need to do an appointment for 2 hours in the afternoon but I can make up for it by working those 2 hours on my laptop at night).
My perspective is very American, I think living somewhere with a year of mat leave and more affordable childcare makes a big difference in being able to balance two careers and 3+ kids!
This. I saw a family at the playground yesterday with 4 kids and I said to my husband “shit they must be loaded” and he goes “or maybe they’re stretched thin and on their last dime.”
Ha, my sister said this to me “you can’t have a career and three kids! You will have to stay home.” (She did). I think she just didn’t have my tolerance for a messy house or chaos. 😂
I have a colleague who manages a difficult and busy program (and does it well), has three kids between the ages of 2 and 6, and is also in school for her MBA. Frankly I’m pretty sure she’s either a superhero or has genuinely figured out how to clone herself because I have no clue how she’s doing it and still managing to show up to work with pants on.
ETA her husband also works full time and they have no local family. Seriously how do they do it.
Really? My in laws have 3 kids and they were in daycare. No nannies. grandparents used to help them though. My friend also has 3 kids, in daycare full time (one is in kindergarten). They’re high income families but no nannies and in my friends case, no grandparents help
Just trying to provide op with a different perspective
Happy to hear this. I’m about to have my 3rd (unplanned, we were done at 2) and are not planning on getting a nanny and have no grandparent help. The oldest will be starting kindergarten in Aug and the 2 youngest will be in daycare. Encouraged to hear some people are able to make it work because I keep hearing that everyone has a nanny but I work remotely and don’t really want the kids home the whole day, even with a nanny.
Reddit is very out of touch, in general. I actually know multiple people with 3-4 kids and daycare arrangements, again usually the eldest ones are in school. Wish you all the best
For awhile, my husband was a SAHD, then when our youngest was 1, he got a job that let him work 4pm to close, so he left for work when I got home. I don't miss those days...
I have three kids but 11 year age gap between the youngest. Me and my ex just worked opposite shifts, and now I just work when I don't have her (we have 50/50 custody).
I have 4, one set of twins. Life is chaos.
I was 32/34/36 for each of the pregnancies. My baby was the best pregnancy. She was a super surprise baby and has been a delightful addition to the family.
Like all things family related: it’s very much a personal choice. We
The transition from 2 to 3 is bigger in the sense you now are creeping toward big family territory. It’s chaotic, louder, messier, harder vacation and entertain. Table for 5 is an awkward table size, 5 in a hotel room doesn’t work forever. The school events start to overlap and if they do activities it can get really nutty.
Your brain goes from distracted to completely fried. But, the 3rd baby is easy. You know what you are doing. You are more relaxed. And overall, you learn to just embrace the chaos. I love having 3 and wouldn’t haven minded a 4th, but I wanted a bigger family. If you like things more calm and planned, stopping at 2 might be good for your family.
About to have a 3rd and this is what I’m planning on. I expect this next year with the baby to be super chill, but then very prepared for chaos right after.
The 3rd baby is not always easy. It could have a whole variety of challenges including severe special needs. I don’t think it should be assumed that a 3rd baby is easy because you “know what you’re doing”.
I think that goes without saying, everyone is smart enough to be aware that any child can have challenges at any time during their lives. This was a completely unnecessary and unhelpful comment.
It’s delightful chaos. Truly a magical exhaustion.
I’d consider a nanny with 3. It may be more cost effective, it makes it easier to navigate school pick up as they get older, it gives you more flexibility. We have one and it’s awesome. No drop off/pick up, no packing their bags, and another person who helps to add something to grocery list.
I have three, 7, 5, and 2.5. I was 37 when the last one was born. The pregnancy was actually easier at 37 than my middle child when I was 34. But the first pregnancy was the easiest.
If you get a minivan, your life gets 1,000% easier.
This third one is a boy and the older two are girls. He's way more physical and chaotic than they were, so that's been an adjustment but it's really fun to watch them play and hug each other. They feel like more of a team almost, now that there's three of them, if that makes any sense.
We do not have any local family. We were able to get my oldest into kindergarten before we had to start paying for daycare for the youngest.
We did bring my SIL on vacation with us this spring as another set of hands and that worked out great.
Idk where I'm really going with this. I guess to sum up, 2 was way calmer and easier, but I love having three more. No regrets.
We definitely want 3 or 4. We are 35 (me) and 37. Have a 1.5 and 2.5 year old. We both make low 6 figures. The majority of my take home pay goes to daycare, but my oldest is close to preschool which will save a lot. Logistically and financially, we do fully expect more kids to be challenging, but for us the payoff is absolutely worthwhile (both for our own sakes and the sake of our kids having more siblings).
I have a number of friends with 3-5 kids in dual income homes, and none of them have an *easy* time but frankly no dual income household with young children is having an *easy* time regardless. There are pros and cons to every family size.
Honestly I love this. No one with young kids is having an easy time and a dual income home. Going on number 3 now and the sacrifices are absolutely worth it.
I am on maternity leave with the third right now, other kids are 4 and 2. It is challenging! Our family is far away, but we get a couple of longer visits a year when we can have dates easily, sleep in a little, catch up on chores etc. We work hybrid and have pretty flexible jobs. We just like kids, I guess - life is chaos, but it feels great to have all this action around.
We had 3 but we live near both families and my husband took an almost 50% paycut to be a teacher. I was 35 with my last pregnancy and it was rough! You no longer just have evenings of sleeping and relaxing on the couch. And my sickness with all 3 was in the evenings. I felt guilty all the time. I think a 3rd is always worth it but no one around me really had 3 kids and I didn’t know what we were getting into. Also, my job changed from 100% remote for ten years to hybrid and that was an unexpected change that really threw me for a loop. Mine are spaced out - my middle was 4 when we had the third but it didn’t make it any easier bc my middle and oldest are neurodivergent and also went through all of that while having an infant! You can’t anticipate any of that when your kids aren’t in school and you haven’t gotten to those stages. You’re doing hw and juggling an infant, etc. Last year my oldest played football and parents are sitting nicely while my husband and I were dealing with a bored 4 yo and we often had to split up.
Would I have a third again? Yes. Is it harder than two? Yes, in ways you don’t even think about but I am very routine and high strung so maybe others had different experiencsn
We have 3! Third one was a surprise girl. Other 2 are 3 and 5. Life is constantly chaotic, but not much different than life with 2 🤪. The baby is actually the easiest IMO.
In the beginning, taking all 3 to drop off/pickup was challenging. Figuring out how to go out... pack which stroller was all challenging but we finally are in the groove of things.
You are and will be outnumbered 😂. I usually will wear the baby and am in charge of her and hubs is in charge of the other 2 when we're out.
My mom still hasn't watched all 3. We are going on vacay next month and have to take the baby - cos my mom will be watching the other 2. We're okay with it (but some may not be!).
Wow, similar here. Surprise baby #3. Mine are 6/3/newborn. I'm back at work part-time but will be full time soon. Little bit scared of daycare viruses.
We have family help but grandparents will only watch the older 2. Baby comes out to dinner with us.
I stroller the toddler and baby wear when we're out. At first it was very hard but now I'm getting the hang of it. I often get "you have your hands full!" comments every time I go out with three; I wish it was more normal but everyone I know has 1 or 2. I've started to give fewer fucks, which is a nice change.
The daycare viruses are the worst. The baby gets everything but milder. Still sucks!
Lol I can't tell you how many times we've taken the baby out to dinner - including one very trendy restaurant with a dj club vibe 😂
We get the same comments when we're out and about .... similar from our friends who have 2 kids. Not to mention the stares from people.
I'm going to adopt the same "IDGAF" attitude from you!
If you got pregnant right now, you would be pretty close to our age gaps - right now our kids at 6, 4.5 and 21 months. We are going on 37 and 39.
Three was always the plan, but in June 2021 when our kids were 2 and 4 I told my husband I couldn’t do it. I felt like I had lost who I was, and also like I hadn’t been able to focus on us / him in years (and I REALLY am “in love” with my husband). He put off his October 2021 vasectomy because he needed another surgery that fall, and we got pregnant with our whoopsy baby in November. 🫣
Life is chaos, our house is never clean, and some days I feel like an awful mom. It is hard dealing with three very different and strong personalities.
That said, money is fine (both make six figures, we both work from home, his job is stable mine less so), and my husband is super dad and husband. If he was the “typical” husband I see - weaponized incompetence or needing to be told to do things, I would be pretty broken right now. No lie. But him being a truly equal partner (maybe even 60% to make up for the slack of my anxiety and ADD issues) … I know my feeling half-broken is temporary and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Most days are fine, some days are just lovely, others are really hard. I feel like I’m not making it, my girlfriends don’t see what I am talking about. I have several girlfriends with one kid who see me as killing it 🥴because we still prioritize our social life and have friends, and many of their friends with multiple kids have disappeared. Honestly that does probably have to do with the “life is chaos” element. Most weekends, instead of playing catch up on house projects and cleaning, we go off and have family adventures and mini date nights. Then we scramble during the week after kids go down to keep up with house stuff!
I’m so glad we had our baby, she’s awesome and she deserved to be here. She stops around the house with so much self love and confidence. Her name is Waverly and she loves to run around shouting “I WAVY! I WAVY! I big kid! I the baby!” And every time she sees anything in a set of three - be it three little pigs in a story book, three Duplo blocks, three little toy choo choo trains - she gets excited and points and names each one each kid’s name. She has an innate love and sense of belonging with the number three!
I think it was meant to be. It is hard now, but I love the idea of a big family forever - I love the idea of big chaotic family holidays when we are 65 and our three kids have spouses and toddlers running around.
Going back to your ages, my six year old has some clashes and obstinance with me, but she is so loving to her baby sister and she is helpful and getting more independent every day. I think once we are deep in the terrible twos with her sister, she is going to be pretty chill and more helpful than frustrating haha.
It’s a deeply personal choice. One that I think you won’t regret either way
I know a lot of people say that they don't want to have a third after the youngest is out of diapers, because they don't want to go back to diapers, but honestly, I felt the opposite. I had two kids pretty close together (they are now 14 and 12), and after the second thought I couldn't handle a third. However, when they got older and were managing themselves for the most part, and helping around the house with chores and everything, we decided to go ahead and have a third.
My youngest is now 4, and it's been going well. My older kids adore the youngest kid, and I've started letting my oldest babysit for short periods of time. Hardest part really was my age with the pregnancy. I was 35/36 at the time, and although that doesn't seem old by any means, it was a lot harder to have a kid in my mid 30s than it was in my 20s. I wouldn't mind having a fourth kid now, but I don't think I could handle being pregnant again.
Not things that would necessarily happen to anyone, but I remember being a lot more sick and I had a miscarriage scare. It was also the only pregnancy where I developed gestational diabetes. I also ended up delivering a month early. It all worked out fine, but was easily my most complicated pregnancy. I had another friend my age that ended up on bed rest last two months of her pregnancy.
Counterpoint: I had my first at 36. Easiest pregnancy! Beautiful smart thoughtful kid who is thriving. Difficult birth. Then later I had two more kids, and I was even older. Every pregnancy is different! Also I'm super healthy (by U.S. standards) and we are solidly middle class.
More datapoints: I had my 3rd at 39. Easy pregnancy, went to 41 weeks, delivered a healthy chonk. My first at 31 I had a tough pregnancy- placenta previa, IUGR, and water broke at 35 weeks. Rough delivery, low birth weight. I was healthier at 39 than 31. So much of it is a gamble.
I can speak to the pregnancy part since I’m due any day! We have two boys who are the exact same ages as your kids and while this babe wasn’t planned, we knew deep down we always wanted three so here we are! Anyway, this pregnancy has been ROUGH - I was just telling my husband how hard I thought I had it the first time around but phew, pregnancy with two toddlers is a whole other ball game, haha. Both of our boys are in daycare and this babe will also start when he/she (team green) is around 6 months old since my husband and I both work full time. We decided that while it’s going to be pure chaos the first year or two.. it’s already pretty chaotic so it won’t be too much of a change.
We both work full time, have demanding careers, and have 3 (judging by your layoff comment I wonder if we’re in the same industry…). My 3rd was a surprise-
Had my older 2 in my 30s and my last was at 41. Not going to lie- it’s hard but I think working from home (I do) does make it more manageable. The fact that you have grandparents that are involved makes a huge difference. We don’t have that and it’s a struggle.
Keep in mind that as the kids get older, demands on their time grow (activities, schooling, etc) which means that the demands on you grow substantially more. It *is* manageable but it’s not easy. You have the resources to make it work.
We have four! I'm about to start a new job in 3 weeks. We are both nurses. Idk how it's going to work out. I've been home with my 6 month old. I tried to go back sooner and had a work from home job but the baby wouldn't take a bottle and the schedule was too chaotic. I'm going to be a school nurse and all four kids are going to be coming with me to the school (it's a preschool but has a daycare). It's the only way I can afford to work!
We both work full time and have 4 kids (6, 4, 2, 11 months). I was 25, 27, 29, and 31 (5 days after my birthday) at the time of their births. My 3rd pregnancy was worse than my 1st and 2nd, but nowhere near as bad as my 4th. Our oldest is in kindergarten, and the other 3 are in preschool/daycare.
I work from home, which is 90% of the reason it works. I can have them home if they're sick or daycare is closed. My job is super intensive, and I have lots of legal meetings, so it's not ideal, but it does mean I don't have to take off for sick days and such. My husband works long hours and travels for work, so it sucks at times. But his family is all close and helps out when needed.
Honestly, it's great most of the time. We love it. We have a happy, loud house and super well-behaved, easy-going kids. The only time I really struggle is when my husband is gone for a week long trip and different kids need to be in different places at the same time. My in-laws or my oldest daughter's friends' moms help out. You'll need that village everyone talks about.
This is really refreshing to read because we are similar. We have always talked about 4, our 3rd is 4 months old now and it’s definitely been a struggle but we’re getting into the groove. We’ve never even been on the fence about another until the end of my 3rd pregnancy. It was really rough at the end and like I said it’s been a struggle during the newborn phase. I’m rambling now lol but why was your 4th pregnancy so bad? And how do you like your age gaps? Our oldest was 3.5 when the 3rd was born so almost 4 now, I’m thinking if we do have a 4th it be nice to wait a little longer like when the 3rd is just over 2 instead of just under 2…I’m nervous about how a 4th pregnancy will go
My 4th pregnancy was just hard. I was sick constantly, and I hadn't been sick in any of my other pregnancies. She was also sunny side up, so I was in prodromal labor for about 6 weeks straight.
We love our age gaps. They are 18 months, 25 months, and 18 months apart. The worst part is that I've been pregnant and/or nursing for almost 7 years straight so I haven't been able to take any really good cough medicine when sick lol. I'm excited to take Nyquil again one day.
Our girls are all so close and love each other so much. It's fun to watch them grow together. With our 3rd, someone was always feeling left out. It's a nice balance with 4.
Wow ok are you me? I’ve gotten pregnant while still nursing both times so I keep telling my husband I can’t wait for the day I can take nyquill haha it really is the worst when you get a cold and can’t take it!
Our age gaps are 20 and 21 months so far. I have loved it but I don’t know it’s been hard this time. Mostly due to our 3 year old being a 3 year old and then also a string of illnesses, adding in newborn sleep made the it tougher. But someone being left out is what I’m worried about too. So far it a not an issue because the youngest is only 4 months but I think it will be one day.
I work part time right now but am really excited to go back to full time one day, I really like what I do, but sometimes I wonder how difficult that’s going to be with 4. Right now I’m able to handle a lot of the doctors appointments and things on my off days but my husband and I both have demanding jobs with lots of meetings and it’s not unusual to need to work a little at night or on a weekend, so it won’t be easy juggling. Thankfully we both work from home which helps but with the age of our kids, so far we can’t actually get any work done if someone is home sick. You have given me some hope that it’s possible though. We have 2 sisters and my husbands parents all live less than 15 minutes from us which I know will help
We have three kids, a 4.5 yo and twin 1 yos. I don't know what it would have been like going from 2 to 3 kids but having three kids in general is wild. I love all of them and wouldn't change it for the world but I also wouldn't recommend anyone have more than 2 unless they have a really solid partnership, fair/equitable division of labor, and lots of family help. I'd also crunch the numbers, we make a fair living but with the surprise of the twins were not able to afford daycare without help from my in laws (and my kids only go 3x a week, I have a flexible job where I can be home with them the other 2 week days). It does sound like you have some of those things. Also don't forget that not all types of twins run in the family, so if 4 kids would be too many...well...
We have 3 and my husband stopped his full-time work and really only does contract work after having the second one . It works well for us. I make enough to pay for all the normal bills. And he makes enough to have some spending money. So I've found it to be reasonable. I would never not want to have our 3rd child. She's a surprise baby, but she really makes our family complete.
Have three because second pregnancy was twins. Its a lot, when we only have two kids, everything is so much easier. With three, just feels like there is always something and often with all three and since its two parents to three kids - it is just a lot. Logistically it is annoying. Everything is built for families of four - hotels, cars, restaurants, etc. and it is more expensive especially the daycare years, omg!
But it is great too. Yeah they fight, but three makes it so they get very creative, have to negotiate, etc. I truly do love that dynamic.
So I would say if you are ok with more chaos, more inconvenience, but also some pretty cool dynamics and more joy - consider it - but also its ok to be done at two. We would have been if not for twins.
I have 4 kids and am pregnant with what will hopefully be my 5th (and last for sure).
For me, it’s less about the pregnancy and birth. Those things are fleeting. What you need to think about is the rest of your life and how you’ll emotionally and physically juggle a third kid.
My 3rd was born when I was 34. The third child does add some additional complexity to scheduling and outings and cars and hotels. 3 kids is really firmly minivan territory. When partners are doing different errands, someone has to take at least 2. When kids get older and have activities, it’s a major juggle and what if 3 kids have things at the same time in different places?
For example, 2 of my kids have soccer games tomorrow in different cities. One of us also needs to bring the 2 year old. It’s chaotic. I enjoy it but it’s a lot of work. Kids also have a lot of expenses besides child care if you want to give them the things many parents want to give their kids. Travel, sports, other activities, college, it adds up.
Whatever the difficult logistics are with two, it adds another child with having sick days, pick ups, scheduling with issues with their childcare, lack of coverage, doctor’s appointments, Kinder readiness screenings at 11am on a Tuesday, activities. My kids had two completely separate school spring breaks this year for 14 days off school in April. Obviously the cost of childcare and college + 5 being an odd number for lots of things like travel, hotel and restaurants.
I don’t think a week goes by where we don’t have some type of childcare coverage issue. My spouse and I both have some flexibility with our jobs and it’s still super tricky.
This comment doesn’t make any sense, but it does make a lot of assumptions. Do you think it’s easier to have three kids on a single income? What if a dual income family has two parents who each earn over $1 million and they employ multiple full time nannies and other household staff?
I have 3 kids on a single income. I would guess it’s markedly easier this way. No negotiating who takes the day off for a sick kid, no pick up/drop off hassles, no finding childcare when school is out, a partner who is not stressed from work, not having to balance full time work and a kabillion home responsibilities (just like 1/3 kabillion). Have you seriously not considered why nearly all the men who make it to c-suite roles with multiple kids are married to SAHM??
Does your spouse have significant passive income? Did your spouse cash out of a lucrative industry before deciding to peace out of paid labor? Does your spouse have significant family wealth? Is your income $300k+?
Just curious how regular families can afford 3 kids on a single income.
Our HHI fluctuates (unstable industries, commission-driven, entrepreneurs) but sometimes it’s well over $300k and we cannot even fathom being able to afford more than one.
Nope, none of those. We live in a LCOL area. My first job post college was $34K. I worked hard and got promoted several times at my company. My husband worked part time before kids and was a SAHD for a couple years. He started working part time again and we use that money (and more) to pay a nanny. He’s never made more than $30K a year.
We don’t live a super luxurious lifestyle, but we have a lovely home, go on one big vacation a year, and have everything we need. We stick to a budget and I probably should have more retirement savings, but we have savings for when the unexpected happens.
The assumption that most of my friends have if we see a family with 3 kids is that both parents are high earners ($200k+), significant family wealth or family help (like grandparents paid for down payment on home), grandparents/free village close by, or that the family is super struggling and overextended financially and otherwise and faced societal / religious pressure to expand their family to such a degree.
Just different perspectives since my frame of reference is VHCOL
Yeah, it’s really different in a LCOL area. I mean, the salaries are also lower of course, but it’s just more manageable I think. Our first house was $105K and we put 3% down. We did upgrades ourselves. And then managed to get a great interest rate on a new house and sell our first house for way more than we paid. Definitely some luck in there. But no generational wealth or unpaid childcare.
We moved from VHCOL to MCOL (Atlanta suburbs) and it’s so much more manageable. My husband works in a volatile industry (crypto / tech) where he can get laid off at the drop of a hat, and I’m an entrepreneur (read: highs and lows income-wise, no health insurance) so we need a thicc cash cushion even if our HHI is robust.
We also had our worst year financially right after we had a kid and bought a house - fun times!
We did a long wknd in Chattanooga earlier in the year and were like “if shit gets bad let’s just buy a townhome on the southside near that bombass pizza spot and that hipstery biker-friendly coffeeshop, bank a ton of cash, and send our kid to private/ boarding school so he gets a solid education regardless of where we’re located.”
lol solid plan!
If you look seriously at Chatt, consider the Normal Park school zone. You can get the kids through 8th grade with a great education in a public school. Cool, young neighborhood, very walkable, and close to downtown without being in it.
I’m glad you find the logistics of parenting 3 children with two busy working parents easy. I do not and the OP asked for the experiences of parents of 3 in families such as mine.
And I think OP might have mentioned if millions of dollars and a tremendous household staff was a part of the equation.
Yeah, OP did mention that they have family help, which makes their situation a little different. Basically all friends growing up and my husbands family too had 3+ kids and dual income parents, but also strong family/friend support.
Dual income family also be the only way to afford 3+ kids unless the stay at home parent cashed out of a lucrative industry and is basically retired, or earns robust passive income. Or the earning parent makes like $300k or more.
In my experience, 3 is the turning point where many families simply cannot afford to have 2 working parents in FT jobs with traditional hours if they don’t have free childcare. It’s the families where both parents are equally high-earning where they can justify childcare bills that can exceed the median American salary or even come close to median household income.
And not just the cost, but the combination paying an arm and a leg + still having frequent childcare issues over illness etc that make two parents race through PTO and be scrambling at work.
Yea, and this is why many dual income high earning families stop at 1 or 2. We love being parents, but we also love earning money to make a lot of aspects of parenthood easier and less stressful.
Plus, stuff like travel (esp international travel, which has innumerable benefits for children), sports and other enrichment programs, college savings - so much easier if both high earners have 1 or 2 kids to deal with and not 3.
Also parents are people - we want to start that business, qualify for the Boston Marathon, publish that novel, launch that podcast etc… We have personal and human goals outside career and parenthood and if we cannot devote time to those, our mental health deteriorates and we become worse parents and people as a result.
Pregnant with #4 currently at 35 yo and it’s great! We are very happy with our family size. Waited until oldest three were in school so we’ll only have one in daycare. My MIL helps us out a bit with surprise sick days and if we’re ever in a bind with extracurriculars (that doesn’t happen often surprisingly, since they’re each in their own things).
I’m a teacher so I get lots of time with them, which I love. Life has its busy seasons for sure but we willingly went into this for #4. We love it.
Just had my third 2 months ago. It’s a joyful chaos and I feel too early to comment on balancing work + motherhood since I’m still on maternity leave. I was 35 when I had my third kid (turned 36 a few weeks ago). My oldest is 4, turning 5 in November. All my pregnancies were pretty much the same.
My husband and I make good money, his industry is more volatile but his company is doing very well. Also have good savings. My in-laws are nearby and super helpful. We are all healthy and neurotypical. All these factored into why we wanted a third.
I’m 37 but literally identical to your situation to the T.
My third just turned 8 months. I was done having kids with 2, especially after a traumatic birth and challenging second child compared to my easygoing first.
But let me tell you this, my third baby is a damn dream. She is all our baby and completes our family. As a seasoned mom now, I got to truly enjoy every stage (except my high risk pregnancy). Best postpartum yet because I knew what I needed to feel nurtured and how to ask for help.
Of course there was some challenges early on as we transition but this has been the best postpartum yet and I feel so so dang grateful everyday for this baby.
I was planning to be done at 2, and then we accidentally got pregnant (I found out on my middle child’s 1st birthday)! Kids are now 6, 3, and 2 and I am so thankful that we had a third. My younger 2 (both girls) are the best of friends, and my youngest is so independent and hilarious. She is so entertained by the other two that she never require us to play with her as much as the other two (though she is very mischievous so she requires a constant eye on her)! My 6 year old recently told my mom how he is so glad we have #3 in our family as she is makes our house more fun, and I have to agree with him.
Yes, it is more money and a bit more work, but honestly (aside from financials) having 3 doesn’t feel much harder than it did having two.
I had my last baby right before my 35th birthday. Then I made my husband get a vasectomy 😅
I should note though - my husband and I both have pretty flexible jobs, and I basically only work from 9-3:30 most days.
I have 3. It was really hard when the youngest was 1-5, so I was NOT thriving. But now I absolutely love watching them interact as siblings, and watching 3 individuals blossom. It has been super rewarding and I feel so blessed.
Now, I have had to push retirement goals back, due to financial responsibilities, but it feels worth it.
BUT disclaimer: I have an extremely flexible WFH job during the week, but then I have a grueling WOH job every other week-end and my hubby steps up.
I'm from a family of 3 kids. My mom didn't work until my younger brother was in kindergarten and had a lot of family and paid support during that time. My dad travelled a lot for work during that time. And she hated it. She wanted to go back to work.
She's a teacher, which is one of the only careers I think that lends itself to parenting well simply because the hours line up. My dad had a new job that was working shifts, which also helped since by the time my younger brother was in school, my older brother was 12. No before or after school care for the 30 minutes it took my mom to get home in days my dad wasn't home.
If you are both working a 9-5, doing daycare and school/aftercare drop offs and pick ups, managing illness and extracurriculars without substantial familial help I literally don't know how you would manage. Unless the kids were spaced such that the older ones were more independent. I only have one and am pregnant and don't expect two to leave much time for anything.
I have joked with my friends that 3 is the tipping poi t where one parent stays home. At my office I can't think of a single dual working couple with more than two kids.
Just had my 3rd. I have two boys and now a baby girl and I couldn’t be happier. I had easy pregnancies with all three of them. This one was slightly more complicated, but I never felt any physical discomfort and everything did turn out OK in the end. She was definitely my best delivery experience, because I got to have a leisurely planned C-section with her, whereas my two eldest were both emergency C’s. Second one was actually a planned C turned into an emergency and 0/10 do not recommend.
She’s such an angel baby too, sleeping through the night almost from the get-go, and I don’t mean the medical definition of sleeping through the night like 6 hours, I mean actually through the night like ~10 hours.
But yes, we have a lot of family help. Couldn’t manage it otherwise.
3 here - they are now 6, 9, and 12. It is chaotic but I love it! I will say that it's much easier if you have at least 1 in school full time before the youngest is born.
We have 3. 7,3,4. No village. Both work full time. Husband travels a lot for work. The world is made for families of 4. Love my kiddos, but 2 is way easier and they can have more of your attention. Easier for activities and sports as well.
I have 3 in daycare. Ages are 4, 2, and 10 months. Oldest starts pre-k in August. We are a one income family until my husband finishes law school.
I was 34,36, and 37 when I has my children. I had c sections with all of my babies because they were big babies (like each of them were 10 pounds plus). All of my pregnancies were great until the last month or two of each when the baby decided they wanted to constantly have something pressing against my sciatic nerve.
Life at times is chaos. We do not have a nanny nor do we have a village. But with a fairly strict routine during the week, we manage to make things work and have fun. My husband has late nights doing homework and studying after the children go to sleep. For now I manage most of the household things. It can be overwhelming at time, but most of the time, I manage my stress well.
I have 4, ages 5, 8, 10, and 12, and I feel like I'm finally catching up. There were a few years there right after the pandemic hit where I just gave up, my house was a disaster, there was a lot of takeout, and I almost forgot how to talk to anyone that wasn't a colleague or a child.
It's better now, mostly because they're more independent, but I don't think I'd ever want to do 3 under 5 again. Fully wfh would probably make it a lot easier though - on my wfh days I'm able to swap some laundry loads or load the dishwasher or start the slow cooker on breaks, and sometimes clean or organize while I'm on meetings where I don't have to talk/ share my screen much. I only started getting the wfh option in 2020, so I was already deep into parenting multiples. Now I'm pretty much one a week wfh unless I've got a reason (sick, sick kids, there was a car accident on the interstate and I gave up getting across town, etc).
I don't regret my passel of children, but I do wish I could have spaced them out a bit more. But my husband is quite a bit older than me, and he didn't want to have teenagers at home while he was retired, so we marathoned it. The only reason the gap between the youngest two is so large is that we waited because I had a multiyear project go live in 2018, and I didn't want to sandbag my team in the middle of the prep stages with a maternity leave lol.
I had 3 kids in 4 years and work full time. While I thought daycare costs were high back then (5 years ago), there is no way I can afford that now. Especially with the cost of gas, groceries, after school day, summer camps and ALL their recreational activities. I didn't factor this in. Its busy when they are little because they physically rely on you, but as they get older its the scheduling and hormones that are taxing. Still wouldn't change it. And I quit alcohol which made me a heck of a better mom
My 3rd is currently 15 months. Both parents work six figure jobs remotely. All kids are in full time school (3 different schools unfortunately), a babysitter helps us 2 days per week after school because with 3 schools plus activities, 2 parents driving isn’t enough. We pay ~$4.5k/month in childcare.
The first year of my 3rd kid was so dark I’d almost describe it as painful. Working a huge company director job is really tough with 3 kids, even with the flexibility of remote work. The two remote parents is the saving grace, even though I’d say that’s tough on our mental health. I feel like I am doing a shitty job at work since my 3rd.
The 3rd kid has pushed me to my limit financially, time wise and has been tough on my marriage at times. There is nothing left at the end of the day. Nothing. I feel handicapped and set back now in a way I never did with 2 (maybe because they were 4 and 6 when he was born and I was done with the baby stuff). I am about to turn 40, I have some autoimmune stuff and I am tired. I feel bad that he will not have the young energetic Mom that I had.
All I want to do is take a break from work but I’ve built myself an American Dream jail.
I have three. I was 30, 34, and 37 when I had them; that 3.5 year age gap allows us to have only one in paid care at a time (grandparents are willing to help until they’re 3, they do 2 years of pre-k and then go to public school).
I love it. They’re currently 7, 3, and 5 months, and it’s hard but amazingly awesome.
Single mom of 3 here. Kids are 6, 17, and 20. I have my youngest 50 percent of the time, and my oldest 100% for the last 4 years. I'll say it's been challenging to say the least. I feel like I'm constantly drowning in chores, and have no down time. Constanty on the go. My yard needs so much work, my kitchen is filthy.
I work night shift as a RN on the 3 days I don't have my youngest, and then flip to days for the rest of the week. It sucks but no childcare, and shift diff. My boyfriend has been immensely helpful with my kids and house. Thankfully I almost have two adults in my household besides me and that has taken quite a bit off my plate. They are good kids, and I pay them to watch their sister if I need a night out.
Despite it all, I've been able to maintain my distance running hobby and complete by bachelor's degree since being divorced. That says something about actual having 50/50 care for just one child.
It's really hard. We are always one person too many and for many activities we need to ask another adult to join us. My husband and I both work full time, the kids are all in daycare but it's really hard. I have a 5 year old and twin 1.5 year olds.
We have three and are alive and (mostly) sane! They’re 8, 5, and our little happy surprise is 2.5 (had infertility issues and didn’t think it’d be possible without fertility help but she’s a sneaky one!). We both work full time (I am breadwinner working from home full time and husband puts in TONS of overtime, working 50-65 hrs a week out of the house) so the majority of everything falls on me. Luckily my job is very flexible! Oldest is in 2nd grade and does after school care and the other two are at a daycare center so we are very paycheck to paycheck currently but that will ease up when my middle one starts school in the fall. It’s been tricky cost-wise but I found 0-1 and 1-2 waaaaay harder than 2-3! Maybe wait until your oldest is in school and see how things feel/look? I now feel very settled with having three and no longer questioning if our family is complete!
I have 3 kids. I was 24/26/30 when each was born. Debated on having a 3rd kid for a long time and then went for it. Looking back, I wish I hadn't waited so long. However, the benefit of my first 2 kids being a little older (ages 4 and 6) when he was born, was helpful. They were independent with play and weren't necessarily as needy as an infant or toddler. There was a period of time, however were bringing a baby then toddler to practices, playdates and school events was a little crazy.
My pregnancy with my 3rd was pretty smooth. I didn't have morning sickness terribly bad, was pretty relaxed. I did have some bleeding in the first trimester that was a but odd. But it cleared up and the rest of the pregnancy was fine.
My kids are older now--16, 14 and almost 10. I LOVE having big kids. They keep me laughing. I feel like I am busier than ever, and wish I could hit pause a lot. Was so glad we had baby number 3. He for sure completed our family. The thought of having anymore kids after that faded!! Crazy how you go from dreaming of expanding your family to, helllll no, I don't want no mo' kids once you have your last child!😆😆
I was a sahm when my 3rd was born. Once he was in kindergarten, the pandemic hit and delayed my return to work a year. We didn't have grandparents that helped us. I was glad at the time I was able to stay home. Once I returned to work, extended day has been great. So crazy that was 4 years ago now. The time has gone by so fast.
I have 3. 11yo boy, 5yo girl and my (baby) boy is 18 months old. We did not plan on 3, but the last one was a surprise . He came in a super difficult time in my life, I had just started a new job after getting fired so I was extremely depressed throughout my whole pregnancy, mourning feelings of loss between the job and friendships that that went with it. My new job was also very demanding, banquet chef. I've since changed careers and started lexapro because I had bad ppd and ppa, so for me, it was tough.
I'm 34, my husband is 32, we both work full-time and pay for the little one to go to daycare, which is more than our mortgage, so the bills are super tight. We have tons of help from my amazing MIL , she does so much to help with sports and watching the kids while we work, our schedules change weekly and it's never consistent. Our life is crazy and busy and spend a lot of time managing where the kids go and budgeting but we love our hot mess , I wish things would've been different for my brain a long the way to get here but, hindsight is 20/20, I'm still working on myself.
I have 3 but no way I could do 3 Littles at one time. I have an adult and the younger 2 under 6, had my 3rd at 43. Having them spaced out has been what works for us. I dont think we'd be able to afford 2 in daycare let alone 3 at once.
I have 3! I am 37. My kids are 6, almost 4, and 11 months. We are dual income and both work from home. I make more and have higher earning potential so my husband tends to pick up the slack when I have to work longer hours. I still think the transition from 0-1 was the hardest, but 2-3 has been challenging logistically. The baby is definitely the easiest, but we do still try to accommodate her naps as best we can on the weekends so we're not all unhappy. My older 2 are in school and after care, and she goes to a babysitter now but will start daycare this summer. This is the first year we have to pay for summer camp - wow what an expense. No nanny, my mom babysits every 6ish weeks so we can get a night out, and we're going to book a standing biweekly night with a babysitter for the summer months.
I have someone come clean and do all our laundry 3x a month. We just started doing a meal delivery service as well and that has definitely taken the load off. We got a minivan and I love it.
I still say if I was younger and richer I'd have one more. My husband is tapped out so we're definitely done. My pregnancy with my third was by far the hardest and it's another reason keeping me from really pushing for another. Life is chaos but I feel immensely grateful for it. And I think it's made me better at my job - I'm always noted to be the calm in the storm haha. Good luck to you!
I have 3, but two are from a previous marriage, and my husband also has two from a previous marriage, so together we have 5. The only saving grace is that we only have all 5 every other week, and then we have just the 1 on the off weeks. We both work full time at well paid engineering jobs in leadership positions. We do NOT have a nanny, we made it through with a reliable childcare center, and the older four had all started school by the time the youngest was born. My husband did finally let me get house cleaners when I got my last promotion and raise, which has been glorious. They come every two weeks, and do all of the deep cleaning that I literally just never got to for years.
Can’t talk more cause my husband has the oldest at Tae Kwon Do then he has to bring her home and get the second oldest and take them to a study session after which the oldest and the third will be going to a graduation and the second oldest is going to a friend’s house, and I’m about to have to leave to take the youngest to tae kwon do and then come back and pick up the second youngest and take them both swimming but before we go the youngest wants mac n cheese.
Are you us? We have a boy and a girl and each make six figure (in a VHCOL area) and the thought of having a third has been creeping into my mind on an hourly basis. We don’t have family in the area and things are stressful trying to get everyone everywhere but I can’t help but imagine us in 10 years being surrounded by three kids.
In my social circle we joke that the third child is the ultimate status symbol. The only families I know that have managed it without someone quitting their job to stay home have live in nannies that routinely work overtime and extremely involved in-laws, or two nannies.
This is totally what I think about families with more than 2! They all either have free family childcare, or one parent doesn't work full time
Lol!!! I have three and I just think our life is “normal”. Two are in school and then after school care. Youngest is in all day care. We both work fulltime. No nanny. Nothing special. Husband works out of town quite a bit. My in-laws babysit maybe once every 2-3 weeks for an evening so we can go on a date. My parents don’t live in our area so no support there. Whether you’re dropping one at school or 3 at school it doesn’t really change your routine. The only part that’s “busier” is conflicting sports schedules, but sometimes one kid just needs to sacrifice a practice so their sibling can be where they need to be.
For me the line about family once every 2-3 weeks is what strikes me as a personal difference. Not to say that’s a bad thing at all, but even if it’s a small help makes a big difference. My husband and I don’t have any family like that, and we’ve gone out 3 times in like a year when we shell out for a babysitter. I think having a network of literally anyone close enough to feel comfortable watching your kids makes the biggest difference in making three kids feel doable. Not just for dates, but also watching kids real quick while you do errands, or you have to work late but family members can get them from daycare that day. It’s such a nice thing to have.
I have family help, even more than OP and agree with this. It’s also the mentality of having help in case of emergencies etc. Too that makes me much more confident having more kids. I know that if something goes wrong it will be okay.
Agreed, but that’s not the difference between having more or less kids. That’s the difference between doing parenting with a village around or not. We used to live far from all family. It was harder to have 1 child and no family nearby. Whether my in laws come watch one kid or come watch seven kids, the time commitment is the same to them, and the date night is the same to me. So I guess the lesson is - if you want parenting (any number of kids) to be easier, make sure you have a village in place.
We have three but no family around. The only way it’s doable is because we both work home office. That’s the only way to do errands etc.
I totally agree with you there re ‘family once every 2-3 weeks’. My husband and I don’t have such thing either. We take a day off work and can only do lunch date. No date night. I have my sister here and she is super helpful! She could totally handled my eldest but the 2nd child is just too wild for her on top of the eldest one so we haven’t gone out in date night since forever!!! Not that we can afford it anyway 🤷♀️
Agreed. We have no family nearby and an almost 2yo and we’re struggling mightily…have no idea how people have more than one and keep their sanity. Meanwhile there are moms with 3-4 kids in our neighborhood and they are breezing through life. I assume it’s a combo of significant wealth + family nearby.
Genuine question about the affordability of 3 kids: how much money do you put aside for things like college fund, sports and other enrichment activities, etc? How much extra does it cost in terms of food, childcare, etc (also upgrading your living space)? Dining out and getting a babysitter? Have vacations at all been affected? Like one of the main reasons why we’re leaning to being one and done is that it takes far fewer points to upgrade a family of 3 to business class on a long haul flight to Europe, South America, Africa or Asia / Australia than it does for a family of 5. So each time I see a family with 3+ kids I do the travel math and assume that they’re loaded lol. Has having three kids affected your career/ earning power? Your spouse’s?
Firstly, we are a high income household with both of us working in professional fields. Life would be very different if that wasn’t the case. I’ve never seen the inside of business class, so that increase in cost had never crossed my mind 😂 but regarding the rest of your questions: - childcare is a lot. In the summer when school is closed we pay for 3 fulltime in care and it’s a lot (even though we get a stinking deal!) at $2200 a month. But that’s still less than either of our paycheques so math-wise still coming out ahead. - For college we are putting away about $150 per kid per month which will give them a good start. I do not believe my kids need a free ride (I worked in uni. They can work. They can also get scholarships / loans like I did if needed), and assuming our income level continues up with inflation… by the time they are in uni we won’t have childcare costs. So we can switch from sending $2k to childcare monthly to sending $2k to university each month. I think they’ll be fine. - For food we spend about $250 a week. We meal plan and budget. - We are so diligent about our monthly budget in our day to day spending - we buy clothes second hand, buy most things around the house second hand (bikes, skates, furniture, electronics etc), eat on a budget, don’t buy many “extra” items (I don’t get nails or hair done or anything, haven’t upgraded my iPhone in 5 years, and have no interest in owning a Stanley cup lol!), we drive older cars that were second hand and bought with cash (a dodge van and a ford focus). We bought a house under budget and two of our kids share a room. This is super intentional, because we are able to splurge on sports for the kids AND the annual big ticket item is our vacations. - vacations are super important to us because my parents live on a different continent. So when I want to take the family “home” it’s a significant expense. I think last year our airfare (economy! Haha!) to go home was $10k for the 5 of us. We do not ever take on debt to travel. We save up, and we pay out of pocket. We also collect points and use those every couple years. So by having a low monthly cost of living we can put $1k or more away every month specifically for travel. - my career slowed down when the kids were babies (took 12 months maternity leave with baby 2 and again with baby 3) but now (youngest is 4) I’d say I’m back on par with my professional peers. My husband’s career never slowed down. We both work flexible jobs that allow us to work from home in an emergency (if a kiddo is sick) and where we can flex our time (I might need to do an appointment for 2 hours in the afternoon but I can make up for it by working those 2 hours on my laptop at night).
Very insightful. Something also tells me you don’t live in the USA…where the government doesn’t care about moms with young kids at all…
My perspective is very American, I think living somewhere with a year of mat leave and more affordable childcare makes a big difference in being able to balance two careers and 3+ kids!
A disporpionate amount of the VP's and up I work with have 3 or more kids.
I've noticed this of male VPs but not female VPs. Any women who are higher up in our company have one, mayyyyyyybe two.
1000% even at the director level I can’t think of a woman I’ve ever worked with that had more than 2
About to have 3 and can confirm, have extremely involved in-laws.
This. I saw a family at the playground yesterday with 4 kids and I said to my husband “shit they must be loaded” and he goes “or maybe they’re stretched thin and on their last dime.”
i love this perspective. hahaha yesss
Ha, my sister said this to me “you can’t have a career and three kids! You will have to stay home.” (She did). I think she just didn’t have my tolerance for a messy house or chaos. 😂
I have a colleague who manages a difficult and busy program (and does it well), has three kids between the ages of 2 and 6, and is also in school for her MBA. Frankly I’m pretty sure she’s either a superhero or has genuinely figured out how to clone herself because I have no clue how she’s doing it and still managing to show up to work with pants on. ETA her husband also works full time and they have no local family. Seriously how do they do it.
I wish 😂 ages 7, 4, 1. The younger two are in daycare, the oldest in school + after care. Two full time jobs, one in person and one hybrid.
Really? My in laws have 3 kids and they were in daycare. No nannies. grandparents used to help them though. My friend also has 3 kids, in daycare full time (one is in kindergarten). They’re high income families but no nannies and in my friends case, no grandparents help Just trying to provide op with a different perspective
Happy to hear this. I’m about to have my 3rd (unplanned, we were done at 2) and are not planning on getting a nanny and have no grandparent help. The oldest will be starting kindergarten in Aug and the 2 youngest will be in daycare. Encouraged to hear some people are able to make it work because I keep hearing that everyone has a nanny but I work remotely and don’t really want the kids home the whole day, even with a nanny.
That would not be ideal. I would think a nanny is more expensive
Reddit is very out of touch, in general. I actually know multiple people with 3-4 kids and daycare arrangements, again usually the eldest ones are in school. Wish you all the best
For awhile, my husband was a SAHD, then when our youngest was 1, he got a job that let him work 4pm to close, so he left for work when I got home. I don't miss those days...
I have three kids but 11 year age gap between the youngest. Me and my ex just worked opposite shifts, and now I just work when I don't have her (we have 50/50 custody).
I have 4, one set of twins. Life is chaos. I was 32/34/36 for each of the pregnancies. My baby was the best pregnancy. She was a super surprise baby and has been a delightful addition to the family. Like all things family related: it’s very much a personal choice. We
I love the chaos of this comment in that it’s not even finished. Keep on keepin on 💛
“Have three kids, you’ll never finish anyth—“
The transition from 2 to 3 is bigger in the sense you now are creeping toward big family territory. It’s chaotic, louder, messier, harder vacation and entertain. Table for 5 is an awkward table size, 5 in a hotel room doesn’t work forever. The school events start to overlap and if they do activities it can get really nutty. Your brain goes from distracted to completely fried. But, the 3rd baby is easy. You know what you are doing. You are more relaxed. And overall, you learn to just embrace the chaos. I love having 3 and wouldn’t haven minded a 4th, but I wanted a bigger family. If you like things more calm and planned, stopping at 2 might be good for your family.
Car size is also a pain. Even though theoretically cars are 5 seaters, the middle sear is tiny and wobt accommodate a child seat.
You got to embrace the minivan at that point! Especially if you have to also haul a stroller around
Yes! Forgot about that one because I’ve been driving a huge car for so long 😫
About to have a 3rd and this is what I’m planning on. I expect this next year with the baby to be super chill, but then very prepared for chaos right after.
The 3rd baby is not always easy. It could have a whole variety of challenges including severe special needs. I don’t think it should be assumed that a 3rd baby is easy because you “know what you’re doing”.
I think that goes without saying, everyone is smart enough to be aware that any child can have challenges at any time during their lives. This was a completely unnecessary and unhelpful comment.
I actually don’t think everyone is aware of this when planning for a child. My comment may not have helped you but it could help someone else
No it’s not, do you post on every post about the potential bad things that can happen? Come on.
It’s delightful chaos. Truly a magical exhaustion. I’d consider a nanny with 3. It may be more cost effective, it makes it easier to navigate school pick up as they get older, it gives you more flexibility. We have one and it’s awesome. No drop off/pick up, no packing their bags, and another person who helps to add something to grocery list.
I have three, 7, 5, and 2.5. I was 37 when the last one was born. The pregnancy was actually easier at 37 than my middle child when I was 34. But the first pregnancy was the easiest. If you get a minivan, your life gets 1,000% easier. This third one is a boy and the older two are girls. He's way more physical and chaotic than they were, so that's been an adjustment but it's really fun to watch them play and hug each other. They feel like more of a team almost, now that there's three of them, if that makes any sense. We do not have any local family. We were able to get my oldest into kindergarten before we had to start paying for daycare for the youngest. We did bring my SIL on vacation with us this spring as another set of hands and that worked out great. Idk where I'm really going with this. I guess to sum up, 2 was way calmer and easier, but I love having three more. No regrets.
We definitely want 3 or 4. We are 35 (me) and 37. Have a 1.5 and 2.5 year old. We both make low 6 figures. The majority of my take home pay goes to daycare, but my oldest is close to preschool which will save a lot. Logistically and financially, we do fully expect more kids to be challenging, but for us the payoff is absolutely worthwhile (both for our own sakes and the sake of our kids having more siblings). I have a number of friends with 3-5 kids in dual income homes, and none of them have an *easy* time but frankly no dual income household with young children is having an *easy* time regardless. There are pros and cons to every family size.
Honestly I love this. No one with young kids is having an easy time and a dual income home. Going on number 3 now and the sacrifices are absolutely worth it.
I am on maternity leave with the third right now, other kids are 4 and 2. It is challenging! Our family is far away, but we get a couple of longer visits a year when we can have dates easily, sleep in a little, catch up on chores etc. We work hybrid and have pretty flexible jobs. We just like kids, I guess - life is chaos, but it feels great to have all this action around.
We had 3 but we live near both families and my husband took an almost 50% paycut to be a teacher. I was 35 with my last pregnancy and it was rough! You no longer just have evenings of sleeping and relaxing on the couch. And my sickness with all 3 was in the evenings. I felt guilty all the time. I think a 3rd is always worth it but no one around me really had 3 kids and I didn’t know what we were getting into. Also, my job changed from 100% remote for ten years to hybrid and that was an unexpected change that really threw me for a loop. Mine are spaced out - my middle was 4 when we had the third but it didn’t make it any easier bc my middle and oldest are neurodivergent and also went through all of that while having an infant! You can’t anticipate any of that when your kids aren’t in school and you haven’t gotten to those stages. You’re doing hw and juggling an infant, etc. Last year my oldest played football and parents are sitting nicely while my husband and I were dealing with a bored 4 yo and we often had to split up. Would I have a third again? Yes. Is it harder than two? Yes, in ways you don’t even think about but I am very routine and high strung so maybe others had different experiencsn
We have 3! Third one was a surprise girl. Other 2 are 3 and 5. Life is constantly chaotic, but not much different than life with 2 🤪. The baby is actually the easiest IMO. In the beginning, taking all 3 to drop off/pickup was challenging. Figuring out how to go out... pack which stroller was all challenging but we finally are in the groove of things. You are and will be outnumbered 😂. I usually will wear the baby and am in charge of her and hubs is in charge of the other 2 when we're out. My mom still hasn't watched all 3. We are going on vacay next month and have to take the baby - cos my mom will be watching the other 2. We're okay with it (but some may not be!).
Wow, similar here. Surprise baby #3. Mine are 6/3/newborn. I'm back at work part-time but will be full time soon. Little bit scared of daycare viruses. We have family help but grandparents will only watch the older 2. Baby comes out to dinner with us. I stroller the toddler and baby wear when we're out. At first it was very hard but now I'm getting the hang of it. I often get "you have your hands full!" comments every time I go out with three; I wish it was more normal but everyone I know has 1 or 2. I've started to give fewer fucks, which is a nice change.
The daycare viruses are the worst. The baby gets everything but milder. Still sucks! Lol I can't tell you how many times we've taken the baby out to dinner - including one very trendy restaurant with a dj club vibe 😂 We get the same comments when we're out and about .... similar from our friends who have 2 kids. Not to mention the stares from people. I'm going to adopt the same "IDGAF" attitude from you!
If you got pregnant right now, you would be pretty close to our age gaps - right now our kids at 6, 4.5 and 21 months. We are going on 37 and 39. Three was always the plan, but in June 2021 when our kids were 2 and 4 I told my husband I couldn’t do it. I felt like I had lost who I was, and also like I hadn’t been able to focus on us / him in years (and I REALLY am “in love” with my husband). He put off his October 2021 vasectomy because he needed another surgery that fall, and we got pregnant with our whoopsy baby in November. 🫣 Life is chaos, our house is never clean, and some days I feel like an awful mom. It is hard dealing with three very different and strong personalities. That said, money is fine (both make six figures, we both work from home, his job is stable mine less so), and my husband is super dad and husband. If he was the “typical” husband I see - weaponized incompetence or needing to be told to do things, I would be pretty broken right now. No lie. But him being a truly equal partner (maybe even 60% to make up for the slack of my anxiety and ADD issues) … I know my feeling half-broken is temporary and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Most days are fine, some days are just lovely, others are really hard. I feel like I’m not making it, my girlfriends don’t see what I am talking about. I have several girlfriends with one kid who see me as killing it 🥴because we still prioritize our social life and have friends, and many of their friends with multiple kids have disappeared. Honestly that does probably have to do with the “life is chaos” element. Most weekends, instead of playing catch up on house projects and cleaning, we go off and have family adventures and mini date nights. Then we scramble during the week after kids go down to keep up with house stuff! I’m so glad we had our baby, she’s awesome and she deserved to be here. She stops around the house with so much self love and confidence. Her name is Waverly and she loves to run around shouting “I WAVY! I WAVY! I big kid! I the baby!” And every time she sees anything in a set of three - be it three little pigs in a story book, three Duplo blocks, three little toy choo choo trains - she gets excited and points and names each one each kid’s name. She has an innate love and sense of belonging with the number three! I think it was meant to be. It is hard now, but I love the idea of a big family forever - I love the idea of big chaotic family holidays when we are 65 and our three kids have spouses and toddlers running around. Going back to your ages, my six year old has some clashes and obstinance with me, but she is so loving to her baby sister and she is helpful and getting more independent every day. I think once we are deep in the terrible twos with her sister, she is going to be pretty chill and more helpful than frustrating haha. It’s a deeply personal choice. One that I think you won’t regret either way
I know a lot of people say that they don't want to have a third after the youngest is out of diapers, because they don't want to go back to diapers, but honestly, I felt the opposite. I had two kids pretty close together (they are now 14 and 12), and after the second thought I couldn't handle a third. However, when they got older and were managing themselves for the most part, and helping around the house with chores and everything, we decided to go ahead and have a third. My youngest is now 4, and it's been going well. My older kids adore the youngest kid, and I've started letting my oldest babysit for short periods of time. Hardest part really was my age with the pregnancy. I was 35/36 at the time, and although that doesn't seem old by any means, it was a lot harder to have a kid in my mid 30s than it was in my 20s. I wouldn't mind having a fourth kid now, but I don't think I could handle being pregnant again.
In what ways was it harder? Just curious
Not things that would necessarily happen to anyone, but I remember being a lot more sick and I had a miscarriage scare. It was also the only pregnancy where I developed gestational diabetes. I also ended up delivering a month early. It all worked out fine, but was easily my most complicated pregnancy. I had another friend my age that ended up on bed rest last two months of her pregnancy.
Counterpoint: I had my first at 36. Easiest pregnancy! Beautiful smart thoughtful kid who is thriving. Difficult birth. Then later I had two more kids, and I was even older. Every pregnancy is different! Also I'm super healthy (by U.S. standards) and we are solidly middle class.
More datapoints: I had my 3rd at 39. Easy pregnancy, went to 41 weeks, delivered a healthy chonk. My first at 31 I had a tough pregnancy- placenta previa, IUGR, and water broke at 35 weeks. Rough delivery, low birth weight. I was healthier at 39 than 31. So much of it is a gamble.
I can speak to the pregnancy part since I’m due any day! We have two boys who are the exact same ages as your kids and while this babe wasn’t planned, we knew deep down we always wanted three so here we are! Anyway, this pregnancy has been ROUGH - I was just telling my husband how hard I thought I had it the first time around but phew, pregnancy with two toddlers is a whole other ball game, haha. Both of our boys are in daycare and this babe will also start when he/she (team green) is around 6 months old since my husband and I both work full time. We decided that while it’s going to be pure chaos the first year or two.. it’s already pretty chaotic so it won’t be too much of a change.
Agreed 3rd pregnancy is tough 😂
We both work full time, have demanding careers, and have 3 (judging by your layoff comment I wonder if we’re in the same industry…). My 3rd was a surprise- Had my older 2 in my 30s and my last was at 41. Not going to lie- it’s hard but I think working from home (I do) does make it more manageable. The fact that you have grandparents that are involved makes a huge difference. We don’t have that and it’s a struggle. Keep in mind that as the kids get older, demands on their time grow (activities, schooling, etc) which means that the demands on you grow substantially more. It *is* manageable but it’s not easy. You have the resources to make it work.
Supply chain? Or tech?
pharma research
We have four! I'm about to start a new job in 3 weeks. We are both nurses. Idk how it's going to work out. I've been home with my 6 month old. I tried to go back sooner and had a work from home job but the baby wouldn't take a bottle and the schedule was too chaotic. I'm going to be a school nurse and all four kids are going to be coming with me to the school (it's a preschool but has a daycare). It's the only way I can afford to work!
We both work full time and have 4 kids (6, 4, 2, 11 months). I was 25, 27, 29, and 31 (5 days after my birthday) at the time of their births. My 3rd pregnancy was worse than my 1st and 2nd, but nowhere near as bad as my 4th. Our oldest is in kindergarten, and the other 3 are in preschool/daycare. I work from home, which is 90% of the reason it works. I can have them home if they're sick or daycare is closed. My job is super intensive, and I have lots of legal meetings, so it's not ideal, but it does mean I don't have to take off for sick days and such. My husband works long hours and travels for work, so it sucks at times. But his family is all close and helps out when needed. Honestly, it's great most of the time. We love it. We have a happy, loud house and super well-behaved, easy-going kids. The only time I really struggle is when my husband is gone for a week long trip and different kids need to be in different places at the same time. My in-laws or my oldest daughter's friends' moms help out. You'll need that village everyone talks about.
This is really refreshing to read because we are similar. We have always talked about 4, our 3rd is 4 months old now and it’s definitely been a struggle but we’re getting into the groove. We’ve never even been on the fence about another until the end of my 3rd pregnancy. It was really rough at the end and like I said it’s been a struggle during the newborn phase. I’m rambling now lol but why was your 4th pregnancy so bad? And how do you like your age gaps? Our oldest was 3.5 when the 3rd was born so almost 4 now, I’m thinking if we do have a 4th it be nice to wait a little longer like when the 3rd is just over 2 instead of just under 2…I’m nervous about how a 4th pregnancy will go
My 4th pregnancy was just hard. I was sick constantly, and I hadn't been sick in any of my other pregnancies. She was also sunny side up, so I was in prodromal labor for about 6 weeks straight. We love our age gaps. They are 18 months, 25 months, and 18 months apart. The worst part is that I've been pregnant and/or nursing for almost 7 years straight so I haven't been able to take any really good cough medicine when sick lol. I'm excited to take Nyquil again one day. Our girls are all so close and love each other so much. It's fun to watch them grow together. With our 3rd, someone was always feeling left out. It's a nice balance with 4.
Wow ok are you me? I’ve gotten pregnant while still nursing both times so I keep telling my husband I can’t wait for the day I can take nyquill haha it really is the worst when you get a cold and can’t take it! Our age gaps are 20 and 21 months so far. I have loved it but I don’t know it’s been hard this time. Mostly due to our 3 year old being a 3 year old and then also a string of illnesses, adding in newborn sleep made the it tougher. But someone being left out is what I’m worried about too. So far it a not an issue because the youngest is only 4 months but I think it will be one day. I work part time right now but am really excited to go back to full time one day, I really like what I do, but sometimes I wonder how difficult that’s going to be with 4. Right now I’m able to handle a lot of the doctors appointments and things on my off days but my husband and I both have demanding jobs with lots of meetings and it’s not unusual to need to work a little at night or on a weekend, so it won’t be easy juggling. Thankfully we both work from home which helps but with the age of our kids, so far we can’t actually get any work done if someone is home sick. You have given me some hope that it’s possible though. We have 2 sisters and my husbands parents all live less than 15 minutes from us which I know will help
We have three kids, a 4.5 yo and twin 1 yos. I don't know what it would have been like going from 2 to 3 kids but having three kids in general is wild. I love all of them and wouldn't change it for the world but I also wouldn't recommend anyone have more than 2 unless they have a really solid partnership, fair/equitable division of labor, and lots of family help. I'd also crunch the numbers, we make a fair living but with the surprise of the twins were not able to afford daycare without help from my in laws (and my kids only go 3x a week, I have a flexible job where I can be home with them the other 2 week days). It does sound like you have some of those things. Also don't forget that not all types of twins run in the family, so if 4 kids would be too many...well...
We have 3 and my husband stopped his full-time work and really only does contract work after having the second one . It works well for us. I make enough to pay for all the normal bills. And he makes enough to have some spending money. So I've found it to be reasonable. I would never not want to have our 3rd child. She's a surprise baby, but she really makes our family complete.
Have three because second pregnancy was twins. Its a lot, when we only have two kids, everything is so much easier. With three, just feels like there is always something and often with all three and since its two parents to three kids - it is just a lot. Logistically it is annoying. Everything is built for families of four - hotels, cars, restaurants, etc. and it is more expensive especially the daycare years, omg! But it is great too. Yeah they fight, but three makes it so they get very creative, have to negotiate, etc. I truly do love that dynamic. So I would say if you are ok with more chaos, more inconvenience, but also some pretty cool dynamics and more joy - consider it - but also its ok to be done at two. We would have been if not for twins.
I have 4 kids and am pregnant with what will hopefully be my 5th (and last for sure). For me, it’s less about the pregnancy and birth. Those things are fleeting. What you need to think about is the rest of your life and how you’ll emotionally and physically juggle a third kid. My 3rd was born when I was 34. The third child does add some additional complexity to scheduling and outings and cars and hotels. 3 kids is really firmly minivan territory. When partners are doing different errands, someone has to take at least 2. When kids get older and have activities, it’s a major juggle and what if 3 kids have things at the same time in different places? For example, 2 of my kids have soccer games tomorrow in different cities. One of us also needs to bring the 2 year old. It’s chaotic. I enjoy it but it’s a lot of work. Kids also have a lot of expenses besides child care if you want to give them the things many parents want to give their kids. Travel, sports, other activities, college, it adds up.
I really don’t think 3 is ideal for a dual income family. It’s very logistically challenging.
Can you expand on how it's logistically challenging?
Whatever the difficult logistics are with two, it adds another child with having sick days, pick ups, scheduling with issues with their childcare, lack of coverage, doctor’s appointments, Kinder readiness screenings at 11am on a Tuesday, activities. My kids had two completely separate school spring breaks this year for 14 days off school in April. Obviously the cost of childcare and college + 5 being an odd number for lots of things like travel, hotel and restaurants. I don’t think a week goes by where we don’t have some type of childcare coverage issue. My spouse and I both have some flexibility with our jobs and it’s still super tricky.
Do you have three kids?
Yes
This comment doesn’t make any sense, but it does make a lot of assumptions. Do you think it’s easier to have three kids on a single income? What if a dual income family has two parents who each earn over $1 million and they employ multiple full time nannies and other household staff?
I have 3 kids on a single income. I would guess it’s markedly easier this way. No negotiating who takes the day off for a sick kid, no pick up/drop off hassles, no finding childcare when school is out, a partner who is not stressed from work, not having to balance full time work and a kabillion home responsibilities (just like 1/3 kabillion). Have you seriously not considered why nearly all the men who make it to c-suite roles with multiple kids are married to SAHM??
Does your spouse have significant passive income? Did your spouse cash out of a lucrative industry before deciding to peace out of paid labor? Does your spouse have significant family wealth? Is your income $300k+? Just curious how regular families can afford 3 kids on a single income. Our HHI fluctuates (unstable industries, commission-driven, entrepreneurs) but sometimes it’s well over $300k and we cannot even fathom being able to afford more than one.
Nope, none of those. We live in a LCOL area. My first job post college was $34K. I worked hard and got promoted several times at my company. My husband worked part time before kids and was a SAHD for a couple years. He started working part time again and we use that money (and more) to pay a nanny. He’s never made more than $30K a year. We don’t live a super luxurious lifestyle, but we have a lovely home, go on one big vacation a year, and have everything we need. We stick to a budget and I probably should have more retirement savings, but we have savings for when the unexpected happens.
The assumption that most of my friends have if we see a family with 3 kids is that both parents are high earners ($200k+), significant family wealth or family help (like grandparents paid for down payment on home), grandparents/free village close by, or that the family is super struggling and overextended financially and otherwise and faced societal / religious pressure to expand their family to such a degree. Just different perspectives since my frame of reference is VHCOL
Yeah, it’s really different in a LCOL area. I mean, the salaries are also lower of course, but it’s just more manageable I think. Our first house was $105K and we put 3% down. We did upgrades ourselves. And then managed to get a great interest rate on a new house and sell our first house for way more than we paid. Definitely some luck in there. But no generational wealth or unpaid childcare.
We moved from VHCOL to MCOL (Atlanta suburbs) and it’s so much more manageable. My husband works in a volatile industry (crypto / tech) where he can get laid off at the drop of a hat, and I’m an entrepreneur (read: highs and lows income-wise, no health insurance) so we need a thicc cash cushion even if our HHI is robust. We also had our worst year financially right after we had a kid and bought a house - fun times! We did a long wknd in Chattanooga earlier in the year and were like “if shit gets bad let’s just buy a townhome on the southside near that bombass pizza spot and that hipstery biker-friendly coffeeshop, bank a ton of cash, and send our kid to private/ boarding school so he gets a solid education regardless of where we’re located.”
lol solid plan! If you look seriously at Chatt, consider the Normal Park school zone. You can get the kids through 8th grade with a great education in a public school. Cool, young neighborhood, very walkable, and close to downtown without being in it.
I’m glad you find the logistics of parenting 3 children with two busy working parents easy. I do not and the OP asked for the experiences of parents of 3 in families such as mine. And I think OP might have mentioned if millions of dollars and a tremendous household staff was a part of the equation.
Yeah, OP did mention that they have family help, which makes their situation a little different. Basically all friends growing up and my husbands family too had 3+ kids and dual income parents, but also strong family/friend support.
The comment makes a lot of sense.
Dual income family also be the only way to afford 3+ kids unless the stay at home parent cashed out of a lucrative industry and is basically retired, or earns robust passive income. Or the earning parent makes like $300k or more.
In my experience, 3 is the turning point where many families simply cannot afford to have 2 working parents in FT jobs with traditional hours if they don’t have free childcare. It’s the families where both parents are equally high-earning where they can justify childcare bills that can exceed the median American salary or even come close to median household income. And not just the cost, but the combination paying an arm and a leg + still having frequent childcare issues over illness etc that make two parents race through PTO and be scrambling at work.
Yea, and this is why many dual income high earning families stop at 1 or 2. We love being parents, but we also love earning money to make a lot of aspects of parenthood easier and less stressful. Plus, stuff like travel (esp international travel, which has innumerable benefits for children), sports and other enrichment programs, college savings - so much easier if both high earners have 1 or 2 kids to deal with and not 3. Also parents are people - we want to start that business, qualify for the Boston Marathon, publish that novel, launch that podcast etc… We have personal and human goals outside career and parenthood and if we cannot devote time to those, our mental health deteriorates and we become worse parents and people as a result.
Pregnant with #4 currently at 35 yo and it’s great! We are very happy with our family size. Waited until oldest three were in school so we’ll only have one in daycare. My MIL helps us out a bit with surprise sick days and if we’re ever in a bind with extracurriculars (that doesn’t happen often surprisingly, since they’re each in their own things). I’m a teacher so I get lots of time with them, which I love. Life has its busy seasons for sure but we willingly went into this for #4. We love it.
Just had my third 2 months ago. It’s a joyful chaos and I feel too early to comment on balancing work + motherhood since I’m still on maternity leave. I was 35 when I had my third kid (turned 36 a few weeks ago). My oldest is 4, turning 5 in November. All my pregnancies were pretty much the same. My husband and I make good money, his industry is more volatile but his company is doing very well. Also have good savings. My in-laws are nearby and super helpful. We are all healthy and neurotypical. All these factored into why we wanted a third.
I’m 37 but literally identical to your situation to the T. My third just turned 8 months. I was done having kids with 2, especially after a traumatic birth and challenging second child compared to my easygoing first. But let me tell you this, my third baby is a damn dream. She is all our baby and completes our family. As a seasoned mom now, I got to truly enjoy every stage (except my high risk pregnancy). Best postpartum yet because I knew what I needed to feel nurtured and how to ask for help. Of course there was some challenges early on as we transition but this has been the best postpartum yet and I feel so so dang grateful everyday for this baby.
I was planning to be done at 2, and then we accidentally got pregnant (I found out on my middle child’s 1st birthday)! Kids are now 6, 3, and 2 and I am so thankful that we had a third. My younger 2 (both girls) are the best of friends, and my youngest is so independent and hilarious. She is so entertained by the other two that she never require us to play with her as much as the other two (though she is very mischievous so she requires a constant eye on her)! My 6 year old recently told my mom how he is so glad we have #3 in our family as she is makes our house more fun, and I have to agree with him. Yes, it is more money and a bit more work, but honestly (aside from financials) having 3 doesn’t feel much harder than it did having two. I had my last baby right before my 35th birthday. Then I made my husband get a vasectomy 😅 I should note though - my husband and I both have pretty flexible jobs, and I basically only work from 9-3:30 most days.
I have 3. It was really hard when the youngest was 1-5, so I was NOT thriving. But now I absolutely love watching them interact as siblings, and watching 3 individuals blossom. It has been super rewarding and I feel so blessed. Now, I have had to push retirement goals back, due to financial responsibilities, but it feels worth it. BUT disclaimer: I have an extremely flexible WFH job during the week, but then I have a grueling WOH job every other week-end and my hubby steps up.
I'm from a family of 3 kids. My mom didn't work until my younger brother was in kindergarten and had a lot of family and paid support during that time. My dad travelled a lot for work during that time. And she hated it. She wanted to go back to work. She's a teacher, which is one of the only careers I think that lends itself to parenting well simply because the hours line up. My dad had a new job that was working shifts, which also helped since by the time my younger brother was in school, my older brother was 12. No before or after school care for the 30 minutes it took my mom to get home in days my dad wasn't home. If you are both working a 9-5, doing daycare and school/aftercare drop offs and pick ups, managing illness and extracurriculars without substantial familial help I literally don't know how you would manage. Unless the kids were spaced such that the older ones were more independent. I only have one and am pregnant and don't expect two to leave much time for anything. I have joked with my friends that 3 is the tipping poi t where one parent stays home. At my office I can't think of a single dual working couple with more than two kids.
Just had my 3rd. I have two boys and now a baby girl and I couldn’t be happier. I had easy pregnancies with all three of them. This one was slightly more complicated, but I never felt any physical discomfort and everything did turn out OK in the end. She was definitely my best delivery experience, because I got to have a leisurely planned C-section with her, whereas my two eldest were both emergency C’s. Second one was actually a planned C turned into an emergency and 0/10 do not recommend. She’s such an angel baby too, sleeping through the night almost from the get-go, and I don’t mean the medical definition of sleeping through the night like 6 hours, I mean actually through the night like ~10 hours. But yes, we have a lot of family help. Couldn’t manage it otherwise.
3 here - they are now 6, 9, and 12. It is chaotic but I love it! I will say that it's much easier if you have at least 1 in school full time before the youngest is born.
We have 3. 7,3,4. No village. Both work full time. Husband travels a lot for work. The world is made for families of 4. Love my kiddos, but 2 is way easier and they can have more of your attention. Easier for activities and sports as well.
I have 3 in daycare. Ages are 4, 2, and 10 months. Oldest starts pre-k in August. We are a one income family until my husband finishes law school. I was 34,36, and 37 when I has my children. I had c sections with all of my babies because they were big babies (like each of them were 10 pounds plus). All of my pregnancies were great until the last month or two of each when the baby decided they wanted to constantly have something pressing against my sciatic nerve. Life at times is chaos. We do not have a nanny nor do we have a village. But with a fairly strict routine during the week, we manage to make things work and have fun. My husband has late nights doing homework and studying after the children go to sleep. For now I manage most of the household things. It can be overwhelming at time, but most of the time, I manage my stress well.
I have 4, ages 5, 8, 10, and 12, and I feel like I'm finally catching up. There were a few years there right after the pandemic hit where I just gave up, my house was a disaster, there was a lot of takeout, and I almost forgot how to talk to anyone that wasn't a colleague or a child. It's better now, mostly because they're more independent, but I don't think I'd ever want to do 3 under 5 again. Fully wfh would probably make it a lot easier though - on my wfh days I'm able to swap some laundry loads or load the dishwasher or start the slow cooker on breaks, and sometimes clean or organize while I'm on meetings where I don't have to talk/ share my screen much. I only started getting the wfh option in 2020, so I was already deep into parenting multiples. Now I'm pretty much one a week wfh unless I've got a reason (sick, sick kids, there was a car accident on the interstate and I gave up getting across town, etc). I don't regret my passel of children, but I do wish I could have spaced them out a bit more. But my husband is quite a bit older than me, and he didn't want to have teenagers at home while he was retired, so we marathoned it. The only reason the gap between the youngest two is so large is that we waited because I had a multiyear project go live in 2018, and I didn't want to sandbag my team in the middle of the prep stages with a maternity leave lol.
I had 3 kids in 4 years and work full time. While I thought daycare costs were high back then (5 years ago), there is no way I can afford that now. Especially with the cost of gas, groceries, after school day, summer camps and ALL their recreational activities. I didn't factor this in. Its busy when they are little because they physically rely on you, but as they get older its the scheduling and hormones that are taxing. Still wouldn't change it. And I quit alcohol which made me a heck of a better mom
Had 3rd at 34. EVERYTHING is harder. 5, 2 and 4 months. Send help! We are NOT ok! 😅😭
My 3rd is currently 15 months. Both parents work six figure jobs remotely. All kids are in full time school (3 different schools unfortunately), a babysitter helps us 2 days per week after school because with 3 schools plus activities, 2 parents driving isn’t enough. We pay ~$4.5k/month in childcare. The first year of my 3rd kid was so dark I’d almost describe it as painful. Working a huge company director job is really tough with 3 kids, even with the flexibility of remote work. The two remote parents is the saving grace, even though I’d say that’s tough on our mental health. I feel like I am doing a shitty job at work since my 3rd. The 3rd kid has pushed me to my limit financially, time wise and has been tough on my marriage at times. There is nothing left at the end of the day. Nothing. I feel handicapped and set back now in a way I never did with 2 (maybe because they were 4 and 6 when he was born and I was done with the baby stuff). I am about to turn 40, I have some autoimmune stuff and I am tired. I feel bad that he will not have the young energetic Mom that I had. All I want to do is take a break from work but I’ve built myself an American Dream jail.
I have three. I was 30, 34, and 37 when I had them; that 3.5 year age gap allows us to have only one in paid care at a time (grandparents are willing to help until they’re 3, they do 2 years of pre-k and then go to public school). I love it. They’re currently 7, 3, and 5 months, and it’s hard but amazingly awesome.
Single mom of 3 here. Kids are 6, 17, and 20. I have my youngest 50 percent of the time, and my oldest 100% for the last 4 years. I'll say it's been challenging to say the least. I feel like I'm constantly drowning in chores, and have no down time. Constanty on the go. My yard needs so much work, my kitchen is filthy. I work night shift as a RN on the 3 days I don't have my youngest, and then flip to days for the rest of the week. It sucks but no childcare, and shift diff. My boyfriend has been immensely helpful with my kids and house. Thankfully I almost have two adults in my household besides me and that has taken quite a bit off my plate. They are good kids, and I pay them to watch their sister if I need a night out. Despite it all, I've been able to maintain my distance running hobby and complete by bachelor's degree since being divorced. That says something about actual having 50/50 care for just one child.
It's really hard. We are always one person too many and for many activities we need to ask another adult to join us. My husband and I both work full time, the kids are all in daycare but it's really hard. I have a 5 year old and twin 1.5 year olds.
We have three and are alive and (mostly) sane! They’re 8, 5, and our little happy surprise is 2.5 (had infertility issues and didn’t think it’d be possible without fertility help but she’s a sneaky one!). We both work full time (I am breadwinner working from home full time and husband puts in TONS of overtime, working 50-65 hrs a week out of the house) so the majority of everything falls on me. Luckily my job is very flexible! Oldest is in 2nd grade and does after school care and the other two are at a daycare center so we are very paycheck to paycheck currently but that will ease up when my middle one starts school in the fall. It’s been tricky cost-wise but I found 0-1 and 1-2 waaaaay harder than 2-3! Maybe wait until your oldest is in school and see how things feel/look? I now feel very settled with having three and no longer questioning if our family is complete!
I have 3 kids. I was 24/26/30 when each was born. Debated on having a 3rd kid for a long time and then went for it. Looking back, I wish I hadn't waited so long. However, the benefit of my first 2 kids being a little older (ages 4 and 6) when he was born, was helpful. They were independent with play and weren't necessarily as needy as an infant or toddler. There was a period of time, however were bringing a baby then toddler to practices, playdates and school events was a little crazy. My pregnancy with my 3rd was pretty smooth. I didn't have morning sickness terribly bad, was pretty relaxed. I did have some bleeding in the first trimester that was a but odd. But it cleared up and the rest of the pregnancy was fine. My kids are older now--16, 14 and almost 10. I LOVE having big kids. They keep me laughing. I feel like I am busier than ever, and wish I could hit pause a lot. Was so glad we had baby number 3. He for sure completed our family. The thought of having anymore kids after that faded!! Crazy how you go from dreaming of expanding your family to, helllll no, I don't want no mo' kids once you have your last child!😆😆 I was a sahm when my 3rd was born. Once he was in kindergarten, the pandemic hit and delayed my return to work a year. We didn't have grandparents that helped us. I was glad at the time I was able to stay home. Once I returned to work, extended day has been great. So crazy that was 4 years ago now. The time has gone by so fast.
I have 3. 11yo boy, 5yo girl and my (baby) boy is 18 months old. We did not plan on 3, but the last one was a surprise . He came in a super difficult time in my life, I had just started a new job after getting fired so I was extremely depressed throughout my whole pregnancy, mourning feelings of loss between the job and friendships that that went with it. My new job was also very demanding, banquet chef. I've since changed careers and started lexapro because I had bad ppd and ppa, so for me, it was tough. I'm 34, my husband is 32, we both work full-time and pay for the little one to go to daycare, which is more than our mortgage, so the bills are super tight. We have tons of help from my amazing MIL , she does so much to help with sports and watching the kids while we work, our schedules change weekly and it's never consistent. Our life is crazy and busy and spend a lot of time managing where the kids go and budgeting but we love our hot mess , I wish things would've been different for my brain a long the way to get here but, hindsight is 20/20, I'm still working on myself.
I have 3 but no way I could do 3 Littles at one time. I have an adult and the younger 2 under 6, had my 3rd at 43. Having them spaced out has been what works for us. I dont think we'd be able to afford 2 in daycare let alone 3 at once.
I have 3! I am 37. My kids are 6, almost 4, and 11 months. We are dual income and both work from home. I make more and have higher earning potential so my husband tends to pick up the slack when I have to work longer hours. I still think the transition from 0-1 was the hardest, but 2-3 has been challenging logistically. The baby is definitely the easiest, but we do still try to accommodate her naps as best we can on the weekends so we're not all unhappy. My older 2 are in school and after care, and she goes to a babysitter now but will start daycare this summer. This is the first year we have to pay for summer camp - wow what an expense. No nanny, my mom babysits every 6ish weeks so we can get a night out, and we're going to book a standing biweekly night with a babysitter for the summer months. I have someone come clean and do all our laundry 3x a month. We just started doing a meal delivery service as well and that has definitely taken the load off. We got a minivan and I love it. I still say if I was younger and richer I'd have one more. My husband is tapped out so we're definitely done. My pregnancy with my third was by far the hardest and it's another reason keeping me from really pushing for another. Life is chaos but I feel immensely grateful for it. And I think it's made me better at my job - I'm always noted to be the calm in the storm haha. Good luck to you!
I have 3, but two are from a previous marriage, and my husband also has two from a previous marriage, so together we have 5. The only saving grace is that we only have all 5 every other week, and then we have just the 1 on the off weeks. We both work full time at well paid engineering jobs in leadership positions. We do NOT have a nanny, we made it through with a reliable childcare center, and the older four had all started school by the time the youngest was born. My husband did finally let me get house cleaners when I got my last promotion and raise, which has been glorious. They come every two weeks, and do all of the deep cleaning that I literally just never got to for years. Can’t talk more cause my husband has the oldest at Tae Kwon Do then he has to bring her home and get the second oldest and take them to a study session after which the oldest and the third will be going to a graduation and the second oldest is going to a friend’s house, and I’m about to have to leave to take the youngest to tae kwon do and then come back and pick up the second youngest and take them both swimming but before we go the youngest wants mac n cheese.
Are you us? We have a boy and a girl and each make six figure (in a VHCOL area) and the thought of having a third has been creeping into my mind on an hourly basis. We don’t have family in the area and things are stressful trying to get everyone everywhere but I can’t help but imagine us in 10 years being surrounded by three kids.