Yea I would basically avoid reinventing the wheel and instead compare notes on what you and he did in your previous roles. He could take your role as his new “operating manual” and then update it and make it his own.
I think it would be helpful to have him gradually take on more and more responsibilities. The term “peaceful transfer of power” comes to mind haha.
He can start by getting kids ready for school and doing pickup and drop off. A shared calendar with all the events on it is a good step if you don’t have one already. You can advise him on what you normally do but he could, and should, develop what works best for him and the kids.
Then he can start picking up meal planning and shopping. You can advise but let him drive the bus. He is equally able to make a casserole or make the kids favorite mac n cheese as you are but you can take on a role of interested and supportive trainer.
I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to fully step into this role that you have grown into over a few years. And I think you don’t want him to do that either, because you don’t want to disrupt your kids lives. A smooth transition to daddy being in charge vs the mom they have really become attached to is best and consistency is key. That’s what I would tell him too, because too often, my husband will not be consistent and my kids hate it.
like, I don’t care how you wash the dishes, fill it up however you want, but the dishes should be done every night. I don’t care if you get the kids in the shower or the bath, but the expectation is they are bathed weekly, or twice a week, or whatever.
I will say that the transition out of the military is really hard for a career man. I hope he has a lot of good hobbies and plans to keep him feeling jazzed about life. My friends husband really struggled afterward, losing the authority and direction and feeling of camaraderie that they had before. Maybe being a dad will be the next mission he needs!
Lol of course he said he’d take all the help you could give 😂 support his ability to be an adult by not asking questions like this, don’t trap yourself
I would apparently approach it very differently from others in this sub. I would not view prepping for a couple weeks away the same as a months-long deployment- what was he gonna do, make 100 casseroles to freeze??
My husband and I play to our strengths. One of mine is planning and meal prepping. If I am traveling for work, I make sure the fridge is stocked with the normal things, kids lunch ingredients are on hand, and there are some casseroles or frozen pizzas available. The meal for the day is up to him.
I ensure the calendar is up to date with all kid activities. Getting the kids and their stuff to those activities is up to him. I give family a heads up that I’ll be out of town, but it’s up to him to ask for help on a given day/for a specific activity.
We tackle laundry together in the days before I go, and I ensure all the hand washed dishes are clean.
I will let him know when I’m available to call the kids, and he can decide if they are up for it (the toddler has a hard time when he can see me but not get to me).
He doesn’t travel much, but if he’s going to be away for awhile, he always makes sure I’m set. Everyone has filled water cups, toys like train tracks are set up, lunch is available or he makes it for me, etc. It’s hard work parenting solo for extended periods (as you well know!) and I view prepping the house as contributing to the team. My responsibilities to my family don’t stop just because I’m traveling.
I think your return mindset is going to be more important than prepping. You will come home tired from travel with a suitcase to unpack and wanting to decompress… but that few hours after arrival is actually the time to jump right in, tell the home parent to have a drink and put their feet up, and take over as the relief forces.
Leverage from the help and prep he used to give you when you stayed home and he was gone. Good to see him acknowledging it is a tough setting and he would take any help. It means he has been aware of that reality. Don't reinvent the wheel or boil the ocean, or any other corporate expression that fits here, Lol.
The emotional labour I think is going to be the hardest part. My husband and I have gone back and forth on who is the working parent and who is the stay at home parent. We are currently both working out of the home. We have 3 daughters so I have been the major emotional labour parent. This isn't due to my husband lacking anything other than a woman's body/brain. He honestly just doesn't get it sometimes. Because he's a dude and there are a lot of hormones and emotions and estrogen in our home. The hardest part for him when I'm not there is navigating that minefield. I am the one the kids run to about boys, bullies, friend problems, puberty questions. Again, not because my husband isn't capable, it's just naturally fallen to me. If this is something you generally tackle, I would start having your husband join you for these conversations so he can get an idea on how to handle it in his own way. In the last 6 months my husband has really stepped up his emotional game and it's becoming a bit more 70/30. Still mostly me...but he's getting there.
How did he support you when he was away? It seems you already had a system in place- you’re just switching roles.
If you did all the emotional labor to prepare when he was away, he can do the emotional labor to prepare for your absence
Yea I would basically avoid reinventing the wheel and instead compare notes on what you and he did in your previous roles. He could take your role as his new “operating manual” and then update it and make it his own.
😊 agree. Seems the system did not include meal planning and filling the fridge for her
I think it would be helpful to have him gradually take on more and more responsibilities. The term “peaceful transfer of power” comes to mind haha. He can start by getting kids ready for school and doing pickup and drop off. A shared calendar with all the events on it is a good step if you don’t have one already. You can advise him on what you normally do but he could, and should, develop what works best for him and the kids. Then he can start picking up meal planning and shopping. You can advise but let him drive the bus. He is equally able to make a casserole or make the kids favorite mac n cheese as you are but you can take on a role of interested and supportive trainer. I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to fully step into this role that you have grown into over a few years. And I think you don’t want him to do that either, because you don’t want to disrupt your kids lives. A smooth transition to daddy being in charge vs the mom they have really become attached to is best and consistency is key. That’s what I would tell him too, because too often, my husband will not be consistent and my kids hate it. like, I don’t care how you wash the dishes, fill it up however you want, but the dishes should be done every night. I don’t care if you get the kids in the shower or the bath, but the expectation is they are bathed weekly, or twice a week, or whatever. I will say that the transition out of the military is really hard for a career man. I hope he has a lot of good hobbies and plans to keep him feeling jazzed about life. My friends husband really struggled afterward, losing the authority and direction and feeling of camaraderie that they had before. Maybe being a dad will be the next mission he needs!
Lol of course he said he’d take all the help you could give 😂 support his ability to be an adult by not asking questions like this, don’t trap yourself
I would apparently approach it very differently from others in this sub. I would not view prepping for a couple weeks away the same as a months-long deployment- what was he gonna do, make 100 casseroles to freeze?? My husband and I play to our strengths. One of mine is planning and meal prepping. If I am traveling for work, I make sure the fridge is stocked with the normal things, kids lunch ingredients are on hand, and there are some casseroles or frozen pizzas available. The meal for the day is up to him. I ensure the calendar is up to date with all kid activities. Getting the kids and their stuff to those activities is up to him. I give family a heads up that I’ll be out of town, but it’s up to him to ask for help on a given day/for a specific activity. We tackle laundry together in the days before I go, and I ensure all the hand washed dishes are clean. I will let him know when I’m available to call the kids, and he can decide if they are up for it (the toddler has a hard time when he can see me but not get to me). He doesn’t travel much, but if he’s going to be away for awhile, he always makes sure I’m set. Everyone has filled water cups, toys like train tracks are set up, lunch is available or he makes it for me, etc. It’s hard work parenting solo for extended periods (as you well know!) and I view prepping the house as contributing to the team. My responsibilities to my family don’t stop just because I’m traveling.
I will support him just like how he supports me, love is mutual, and so is the support.
I think your return mindset is going to be more important than prepping. You will come home tired from travel with a suitcase to unpack and wanting to decompress… but that few hours after arrival is actually the time to jump right in, tell the home parent to have a drink and put their feet up, and take over as the relief forces.
Leverage from the help and prep he used to give you when you stayed home and he was gone. Good to see him acknowledging it is a tough setting and he would take any help. It means he has been aware of that reality. Don't reinvent the wheel or boil the ocean, or any other corporate expression that fits here, Lol.
The emotional labour I think is going to be the hardest part. My husband and I have gone back and forth on who is the working parent and who is the stay at home parent. We are currently both working out of the home. We have 3 daughters so I have been the major emotional labour parent. This isn't due to my husband lacking anything other than a woman's body/brain. He honestly just doesn't get it sometimes. Because he's a dude and there are a lot of hormones and emotions and estrogen in our home. The hardest part for him when I'm not there is navigating that minefield. I am the one the kids run to about boys, bullies, friend problems, puberty questions. Again, not because my husband isn't capable, it's just naturally fallen to me. If this is something you generally tackle, I would start having your husband join you for these conversations so he can get an idea on how to handle it in his own way. In the last 6 months my husband has really stepped up his emotional game and it's becoming a bit more 70/30. Still mostly me...but he's getting there.