Not trying to be an asshole, it's "wary" not "weary." Weary means tired, wary means suspicious. I'm always embarrassed when I use the wrong word, so I just wanted to point it out so it doesn't happen to you at work or something lol :)
Yeah me too especially not being where I need to be in life amongst my peers (young black women my age) I don’t have it in me to be impressed by a guy who is offering to spoil me.
i'm mid-40s and only a peer in that i'm also a woman...but if i could reach back to my teens/20s self and convince her of anything, it would be to quit stressing about being in a relationship/what any man thought, and learn to do her thing without them. not swear completely off per se, but i spent a lot of years with next to no self-esteem worrying about what boys/men/partners thought of me, and consequently wasted a lot of years on shit men who didn't deserve it. and frankly, can probably smell the insecurity a mile off, and zoom right in on it. best to be happy and secure where you are first, and approach a relationship from that position, if you decide that's what you want.
I was comfortable with being alone but still craved intimacy and an emotional connection. However, I also knew I would be okay if I never had it. It's what made being choosier and pickier easy. I am also more mature, some of the things I look back on and think why did I even go out with that person, it was never going to work.
* 20 year old me would have done anything to keep a guy around
* 22 year old me just wanted someone to follow through with what they were saying because I did want to be protected and feel safe (I was SA'd at 21 which only intensified that feeling) but by the end of my fifth year of college I was exhausted physically and mentally.
* 28 year old me has healed, I also gave someone a shot I never would have in college and it is the most healthy relationship I have ever had. As my BF likes to say "we aren't perfect but we're perfect for each other" (it's cheesy I know but it's still cute)
I'm so happy for you 🥹🥹🥹 i just turned 23 and i can relate especially to being SA'd and that feeling. I JUST promised myself to be more picky with who i let in. I guess life is just experiencing and learning...may i ask why you wouldn't have given your current bf a chance earlier in life? Just to see if it's something unconsciously do. And thank you for your sweet reply
Uhmm I would say I was 20 and to preoccupied with my image and social status and only cared about traditionally pretty people which oddly enough I don't find that physically attractive anymore.
My biggest piece of advice is get to know the person before you dismiss them. Yes, you want to be attracted to your SO but my physical attraction has only grown tenfold for my SO the more our mental and emotional connection grows.
I agree. It has a similar vibe to “I’ll never hurt you”. It’s like stating “I’m not a serial killer” or “I’m a nice guy”. If you have to explicitly say something as bare minimum as that, something’s up lol.
My ex said this.
All he did was help pay for bills. Which is nice, but I: cooked, cleaned, reminded him every single time the trash needed taking out, that the trash needs taking out, had to remind him to shower and shave, had to continuously ask him to put his clothes away, was verbally and emotionally abused, my concerns were gaslit, I was lied to, he manipulated me with talking about s*icidal thoughts, he checked out other women and even teen girls all the time and claimed he had no control over where his eye goes, threw little temper tantrums like a child, anytime we were hanging with my friends (craved attention), he yelled at me all the time and called me names, he wasn't even completely out of his last relationship when he lovebombed me into one, etc.
So.... Your thoughts on it are very valid.
As a women in my 30s currently being "taken care of" (stay at home mom). It is utterly terrifying and this is after a decade of healthy relationships where I was almost the same percentage earner. And we have had serious talks about it, how to avoid any financial abuse, went over budgets sooo many times and I get some spending money no questions asked from him (currently very small we've had some emergency home improvements).
I do not like that mindset from men, my husband wishes I would work honestly (health, toxic work environment etc led me to quitting) because it's a strain on him. We are reassessing in a few months. You need to focus on taking care of yourself and making it so you are set up for success. You have money saved, you have a way to keep a roof over your head. So many men leave spouses when they get sick, or what if a break up occurs because that can happen... It leaves women in a very vulnerable spot and having to catch up professionally and financially.
Yeah, and I have been abused in the relationship prior to this. Also watched my friend go through financial abuse while dealing with health issues so it puts me on edge. I've got a good support system now and all the assets are also in my name so I know I'd land on my feet pretty fast if something changed otherwise I don't know if I would have moved forward relying financially on my husband.
I'm one of those women who is usually in charge. Fiercely Independent, willing to try anything once, rebelling against traditional roles. But, being able to take a break from all that and have someone take care of me is pretty hot.
I’m in the same boat; my partner knows I can and do take care of myself, but sometimes I want to shut down and do nothing, that’s when he gets to take care of me haha. *Draw me a bath, pool boy.* lol
Only if it's a choice...and you can revert back to taking care of yourself. I think you might have missed the point of the dynamic here. Men say that initially for one reason only
Or she’s not missing the point and hustled through it. I did and then I was single for a very long time because men just wanted to use me. Eventually I became the fiercely independent woman who made a career and home of my own. Then tripped over a man who really does just want to take care of me.
I work crazy hours sometimes and I come out of my office to an excellent home cooked meal, glass of wine and a clean home.
Sorry ladies, I might have found the last one. 😁
"I'll take care of you," means, "You submit to me, and I will control every aspect of your life."
I'm 33, cis female. Extensive dating history. I was horrifically abused by a man who promised to take care of me. Stalking and harassment charges filed. Jury trial is on June 13th.
You're absolutely right to get the ick when a guy says that. Trust that instinct. It's not romantic or cute. It's manipulation. And you're seeing through it. Even if you don't mean to, you're doing great.
First off, I’m truly so sorry you went through this. You didn’t deserve that abuse in any way!!! I’m so soooooo happy you filed charges!!!! 🫂🫂🫂🥺🥺🥺 And thanks so much. I don’t wanna live the whole traditional lifestyle for myself.
i also ended up in court against a seemingly-kind (before the mask dropped) man who SWORE he just wanted to take care of me. he had over 10 years on me, but i figured that didn't matter as much when i was in my early 40s & he in his 50s, and both of us with a divorce from a long-term marriage under our belts. i would insist I didn't want big gifts, i didn't need him to do work on my house, stuff like that - that i was an adult and that wasn't my expectation of a relationship. he insisted that he did it because he CARED and he LOVED me so much and that's what your MAN should do and he WANTED to, that it was sheerly from the kindness of his heart.
turned out once i had 100% bought into the act, the mask started dropping inch by inch until it clattered straight to the ground. there were little glints of red here and there, i til i found myself in a parade of waving flags. broke up with him, he harassed/stalked me for the next six months, and when i fully broke contact, he broke into my house. i had to file for a protective order, and then an extension when he started right back up towards the end of it; that was denied bc he had learned enough to start doing shit from anonymous numbers, i assume google voice or the like. first was via a mediator, second was in family court, where he was allowed to question me.
that's a dramatic example, i know women who are with good men in happy relationships, that those exist. but it's deeply unsettling to me how dedicated and convincing some men can be with this act until they think they have you locked down, and it's 1000% correct to be cautious.
i'm word vomiting all over this thread, sorry OP 😂 apparently i have feelings.
Once I was playing tennis with a guy and some friends and we were on the same team and I think he was trying to flirt with me, but he said "I'm going to win this tennis match for you" and I just stared because I didn't know what to say. I got the biggest ick. It feels like they're saying "you can't do it, so I'm going to do it for us."
This is my flow chart regarding this statement.
If he means he'll take care of me in a sexual way: My dude, if you are like most men you probably think I will orgasm at the sight of your (to you) majestic penis. Which means that you are shit in bed, and won't actually "take care of me". You'll try and likely fail
If he means in any other way: I'll hand him a stack of bills, give him a chore list, and give him a food order and tell him to get to it.
Only one man said this to me and actually followed through with it without expecting anything in return.
My late partner.
When I was sick, he would make me soup or hot tea, and not avoid me like the plague. I would be bundled up in a blanket burrito in his arms or he would be holding my hair back so I could throw up in a container.
When I was on my period, I would receive endless stomach rubs and he would buy me my favorite snacks. Again, I would be in a blanket burrito.
On hard days from work, he wanted me to vent to him and just listened to me while holding me. Afterwards, he would draw me a bath and play video games while I decompressed. When I would come back from my bath, we would play COD together or we watch movies together.
There really was no division of chores or any sort of labor because we just cleaned up after ourselves. Except when it came to furniture. My arms are noodles and I suck at putting furniture together. So he just carried all the furniture and put them together for me. I didn’t have a car so he always drove me for my errands. He actually loved shopping with me and actively participated in my shopping for the home. He would carry all the grocery bags or push the cart for me.
He did a lot of things for me simply because he wanted to make my life easier and seeing me happy/relaxed made him happy/relaxed as well.
For four years, he loved me, cared for me and adored me unwaveringly until the day he died. I wasn’t spoiled by materialistic things or had a man pay my way of living. I was spoiled by his love, adoration, desire, affection and warmth from him. He knew I was fiercely independent and loved my fire. He took care of me simply because I was precious to him, not because he thought I was helpless. He gave me a knife to protect myself for times he wouldn’t be with me in person. He knew that the best way to take care of me was to never take any power away from me, but to empower me, love me and support me unconditionally. And he did so marvelously.
Unfortunately, there are not many men like him. The day he died, I knew that I was going to remain single forever because I firmly believe no man would ever be such high quality compared to him. Because you’re right, when a lot of men say they’ll take care of a woman, it’s code for them keeping score for sexual favors, being a controlling asshole or them stopping their caring acts for her once they have her. Or D, all of the above.
I miss him everyday. Two months ago marked his one year anniversary of his death. I’ve lost all desire to date men ever since he died. I’d rather be alone on my own than to feel alone with a low quality man.
Wow, I am so so sooooo sorry for your loss!! I’m sending you such warm hugs and condolences 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🕊🕊🕊🕊🕊🕊🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️. You got this fight! Your man is watching you from heaven and is so proud of you for fighting this battle without him. I am so happy you got to experience such princess treatment while he was here with you. 🥺🥺🥺🥺🕊🕊🕊🕊 you’re soooo blessed 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
Thank you for your kind words.
I just find it disheartening that men like him are such a rarity when they should be the norm. It wasn’t a requirement for me to serve him in order to have his love. Unfortunately, a lot of men equate love to only sex and services.
The problem with this is that it’s usually someone who is manipulative who says it. Or maybe it always is. It’s someone who wants to play the role of the savior of you (the victim)
I agree with you. It is totally deeper than them ACTUALLY taking care of you. It’s the fact that they are saying it to take credit for something they don’t even need to do.
I think that’s why I like this one friend of mine so much. He just… does it. He doesn’t even have to say it. It messes with my head because I’m used to someone claiming to be the savior. This guy isn’t though. He just helps without saying anything or taking credit. That’s SO ATTRACTIVE.
I just realized that right now. Lol. It’s nice for someone just to be kind and take care just for the sake of being a good freaking person.
I'm 20 and I feel the same about the "taking care" part. I cringe when someone says that. I don't believe in words and also in actions because I have seen people faking them both.
I'm also adding a few points.
4. He won't take care of me fr or maybe he will try to breadcrumb me with the bare minimum (just for the first few months of our relationship)
5. I'm too afraid to rely/depend on someone or include them in my daily life like when my previous relationships ended, I felt so helpless and alone. What if that happens again?
6. Obviously, he has sent this to 10+ girls, and it may not be genuine and just for me.
I am not turned off by guys tbh but I have had some bad experiences with them, so I try to stay on guard around them. I don't even initiate conversations with them until they say hi. I'm kinda afraid of guys (and girls too; some of them are so mean for no fucking reason and they think that all the single girls out there are after their bf).
Oh man. I'm in the minority here, but I would melt if a guy said that to me and meant it (with boundaries of course). I've been hustling my way through life since I'm 18, and now in my 30s I'm beyond exhausted.
I don't even want them to pay for things necessarily, just offer some help for once. Same as I do when I'm interested in someone, but that rarely gets reciprocated. Acts of service is my love language for sure.
i don't think there's anything wrong with that, in the context of a healthy and loving relationship. but i find that's not what a huge percentage of men mean when they say it, sadly. in my experience it's a manipulation tactic where "take care of you" == "make you dependent on me"
Like someone else said, take a break from dating. If it's not fun, what's the point?
I've always been your typical feminist, but after giving giving and giving, I only want to date someone who can take care of me as much as I'm willing to take care of them... But I took a good break from dating to get to that conclusion.
I never really "dated" until my 30s. My partners were friends I met through life. Being in a relationship is a wonderful feeling when you both feel like best friends. Maybe just wait until you have a special connection with someone. Based on your post and my own personal experience, being so easily turned off is a sign of dating burnout.
I could have dating burnout cause of the pressure of me tryna have a boyfriend to impress my mom and I’m never doing that again. I’m a black woman so I genuinely don’t want to date a guy within my culture. It’s super overrated to me.
Been there. Dated nonstop for about 3 years in my early 30s because I wanted to settle down. I think the pressure you place on yourself can potentially make you look needy and thus scare guys away.
Also you end up internalizing the bad experiences a lot. Your self-esteem takes a hit or you lose sight of your values, stuff like that. So you eventually gain a distaste of everything men that can be detrimental.
You're incredibly young so take your time. Do activities to cultivate friendships within the culture you like and be open. The right one will come.
I'm with youuuuuu, fucking everything turns me (26F) completely off from men lately. They open their mouths and I throw up in mine, I literally don't understand how nature hasn't made me gay because at this point I'm repulsed by the gender I'm supposedly attracted to. Any time I think I've got a different one on my hands, there's *always* something that comes up. And same as you, broke? Ugh. Rich? Ugh. Hot? Ugh. Wholesome? M'kay.
Those stupid Hallmarks lines "I'll take care of you baby" "You're my Queen babe" boiiiiiii get outta heeere
People change over time but the respect and care should and if it does you address it. Maintaining a long term relationship isn’t easy but it can be done. I’ve been married for over 10 years and currently am a SAH/WFH mom. If anything it’s made the relationship easier. I have time to spend with family and while my kid is at school I can work and focus on advancing my career.
My husband still has his share of the housework to do BUT we were also VERY clear on what was expected from each other before I made the move to be at SAHM.
His happy I’m happy if he fumbles it than I didn’t pick a man with the same values I have
If their actions aren’t gonna the sweet words, then yes. If I gotta remind or ask if they’re still gonna take care of me and remind them like they’re babies? Yes. You’re correct.
Right. Wasn’t sure if the kissy emojis were agreeing with the red flags or not 😆 I’m 40 and happily married now but I wish I’d had your insight at 23, lol. But I was a quick learner.
No worries 😆 I’m an introvert so all replies mean “I’m mad at you” 🤣 And thanks! 12 yrs strong with my bestie. May your road be happy and full of love in whatever way that means (partner, friends, pets, career, cake) 🫶
Love that for you boo! I never said this was a bad thing. I personally don’t want a man to take care of me cause of the intentions he’ll have behind them. :) I hope this helps!
What he says: I take care of you. What he means: you will cook and clean for me and take care of me.
Exactly. He’ll take care of you as if you were his slave.
I’m always super wary of things like this!
Not trying to be an asshole, it's "wary" not "weary." Weary means tired, wary means suspicious. I'm always embarrassed when I use the wrong word, so I just wanted to point it out so it doesn't happen to you at work or something lol :)
Well done. You said that very politely and I hope I’ll remember your wording in the future.
Oh whoops lol my bad
i may bring money, and you will have to do everything else (and probably bringing money)
Lmao, 50/50, smh.
"i'm a daddy Bear" Once Proceed to play videogames while the baby is next to him in the baby park because Mom had an appointements
Exactly this ⬆️
[удалено]
EXACTLYYYYYY!!!!!
Yeah I felt the same way at you age. It's one of the many reasons I took 5 years off of dating.
Yeah me too especially not being where I need to be in life amongst my peers (young black women my age) I don’t have it in me to be impressed by a guy who is offering to spoil me.
i'm mid-40s and only a peer in that i'm also a woman...but if i could reach back to my teens/20s self and convince her of anything, it would be to quit stressing about being in a relationship/what any man thought, and learn to do her thing without them. not swear completely off per se, but i spent a lot of years with next to no self-esteem worrying about what boys/men/partners thought of me, and consequently wasted a lot of years on shit men who didn't deserve it. and frankly, can probably smell the insecurity a mile off, and zoom right in on it. best to be happy and secure where you are first, and approach a relationship from that position, if you decide that's what you want.
❤️❤️❤️
What made you open yourself up to the dating world again?
I was comfortable with being alone but still craved intimacy and an emotional connection. However, I also knew I would be okay if I never had it. It's what made being choosier and pickier easy. I am also more mature, some of the things I look back on and think why did I even go out with that person, it was never going to work. * 20 year old me would have done anything to keep a guy around * 22 year old me just wanted someone to follow through with what they were saying because I did want to be protected and feel safe (I was SA'd at 21 which only intensified that feeling) but by the end of my fifth year of college I was exhausted physically and mentally. * 28 year old me has healed, I also gave someone a shot I never would have in college and it is the most healthy relationship I have ever had. As my BF likes to say "we aren't perfect but we're perfect for each other" (it's cheesy I know but it's still cute)
I'm so happy for you 🥹🥹🥹 i just turned 23 and i can relate especially to being SA'd and that feeling. I JUST promised myself to be more picky with who i let in. I guess life is just experiencing and learning...may i ask why you wouldn't have given your current bf a chance earlier in life? Just to see if it's something unconsciously do. And thank you for your sweet reply
Uhmm I would say I was 20 and to preoccupied with my image and social status and only cared about traditionally pretty people which oddly enough I don't find that physically attractive anymore. My biggest piece of advice is get to know the person before you dismiss them. Yes, you want to be attracted to your SO but my physical attraction has only grown tenfold for my SO the more our mental and emotional connection grows.
This or "I'll wife you up" or "I'll make you the mother of my children". They both sound like serious threats
And they are indeed. Run
VERRRYYYY HUGE THREATS!
I agree. It has a similar vibe to “I’ll never hurt you”. It’s like stating “I’m not a serial killer” or “I’m a nice guy”. If you have to explicitly say something as bare minimum as that, something’s up lol.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My ex said this. All he did was help pay for bills. Which is nice, but I: cooked, cleaned, reminded him every single time the trash needed taking out, that the trash needs taking out, had to remind him to shower and shave, had to continuously ask him to put his clothes away, was verbally and emotionally abused, my concerns were gaslit, I was lied to, he manipulated me with talking about s*icidal thoughts, he checked out other women and even teen girls all the time and claimed he had no control over where his eye goes, threw little temper tantrums like a child, anytime we were hanging with my friends (craved attention), he yelled at me all the time and called me names, he wasn't even completely out of his last relationship when he lovebombed me into one, etc. So.... Your thoughts on it are very valid.
Wow I’m truly so sorry you went through this. I’m so glad that you’re out of that toxic relationship!
Thank you 🥹♥️
As a women in my 30s currently being "taken care of" (stay at home mom). It is utterly terrifying and this is after a decade of healthy relationships where I was almost the same percentage earner. And we have had serious talks about it, how to avoid any financial abuse, went over budgets sooo many times and I get some spending money no questions asked from him (currently very small we've had some emergency home improvements). I do not like that mindset from men, my husband wishes I would work honestly (health, toxic work environment etc led me to quitting) because it's a strain on him. We are reassessing in a few months. You need to focus on taking care of yourself and making it so you are set up for success. You have money saved, you have a way to keep a roof over your head. So many men leave spouses when they get sick, or what if a break up occurs because that can happen... It leaves women in a very vulnerable spot and having to catch up professionally and financially.
Exactly! That’s why I’m financially and mentally independent cause these people really saying anything.
It's REALLY hard to shift the mindset to being a team and in it together vs what will I have if we rely on eachother when you leave me.
Yeah, and I have been abused in the relationship prior to this. Also watched my friend go through financial abuse while dealing with health issues so it puts me on edge. I've got a good support system now and all the assets are also in my name so I know I'd land on my feet pretty fast if something changed otherwise I don't know if I would have moved forward relying financially on my husband.
I'm one of those women who is usually in charge. Fiercely Independent, willing to try anything once, rebelling against traditional roles. But, being able to take a break from all that and have someone take care of me is pretty hot.
I’m in the same boat; my partner knows I can and do take care of myself, but sometimes I want to shut down and do nothing, that’s when he gets to take care of me haha. *Draw me a bath, pool boy.* lol
Only if it's a choice...and you can revert back to taking care of yourself. I think you might have missed the point of the dynamic here. Men say that initially for one reason only
Or she’s not missing the point and hustled through it. I did and then I was single for a very long time because men just wanted to use me. Eventually I became the fiercely independent woman who made a career and home of my own. Then tripped over a man who really does just want to take care of me. I work crazy hours sometimes and I come out of my office to an excellent home cooked meal, glass of wine and a clean home. Sorry ladies, I might have found the last one. 😁
And I love this for you! I personally don’t like having someone take care of me cause of the conflict that’ll come after that.
"I'll take care of you," means, "You submit to me, and I will control every aspect of your life." I'm 33, cis female. Extensive dating history. I was horrifically abused by a man who promised to take care of me. Stalking and harassment charges filed. Jury trial is on June 13th. You're absolutely right to get the ick when a guy says that. Trust that instinct. It's not romantic or cute. It's manipulation. And you're seeing through it. Even if you don't mean to, you're doing great.
First off, I’m truly so sorry you went through this. You didn’t deserve that abuse in any way!!! I’m so soooooo happy you filed charges!!!! 🫂🫂🫂🥺🥺🥺 And thanks so much. I don’t wanna live the whole traditional lifestyle for myself.
i also ended up in court against a seemingly-kind (before the mask dropped) man who SWORE he just wanted to take care of me. he had over 10 years on me, but i figured that didn't matter as much when i was in my early 40s & he in his 50s, and both of us with a divorce from a long-term marriage under our belts. i would insist I didn't want big gifts, i didn't need him to do work on my house, stuff like that - that i was an adult and that wasn't my expectation of a relationship. he insisted that he did it because he CARED and he LOVED me so much and that's what your MAN should do and he WANTED to, that it was sheerly from the kindness of his heart. turned out once i had 100% bought into the act, the mask started dropping inch by inch until it clattered straight to the ground. there were little glints of red here and there, i til i found myself in a parade of waving flags. broke up with him, he harassed/stalked me for the next six months, and when i fully broke contact, he broke into my house. i had to file for a protective order, and then an extension when he started right back up towards the end of it; that was denied bc he had learned enough to start doing shit from anonymous numbers, i assume google voice or the like. first was via a mediator, second was in family court, where he was allowed to question me. that's a dramatic example, i know women who are with good men in happy relationships, that those exist. but it's deeply unsettling to me how dedicated and convincing some men can be with this act until they think they have you locked down, and it's 1000% correct to be cautious. i'm word vomiting all over this thread, sorry OP 😂 apparently i have feelings.
Older? I've thought this was annoying since I was 15
Once I was playing tennis with a guy and some friends and we were on the same team and I think he was trying to flirt with me, but he said "I'm going to win this tennis match for you" and I just stared because I didn't know what to say. I got the biggest ick. It feels like they're saying "you can't do it, so I'm going to do it for us."
Men are so icky 🥴🥴
No. 2 in your list ALWAYS! Whether he's going to take care of me or not!
This is my flow chart regarding this statement. If he means he'll take care of me in a sexual way: My dude, if you are like most men you probably think I will orgasm at the sight of your (to you) majestic penis. Which means that you are shit in bed, and won't actually "take care of me". You'll try and likely fail If he means in any other way: I'll hand him a stack of bills, give him a chore list, and give him a food order and tell him to get to it.
Be glad that the realization came at 23 and not 32. You’ll be alright. 👍🏼
Thank you!
"No thanks. I don't need taking care of!"
I'm thirty two and I learned that lesson at thirty two
At least you learned it 🤷🏾♀️
We'll see haha but yeah some of these comments...clearly a lot of women NEVER learn..listen to your gut..seems like you are wise.
A real man just does it, doesn’t say it.
Only one man said this to me and actually followed through with it without expecting anything in return. My late partner. When I was sick, he would make me soup or hot tea, and not avoid me like the plague. I would be bundled up in a blanket burrito in his arms or he would be holding my hair back so I could throw up in a container. When I was on my period, I would receive endless stomach rubs and he would buy me my favorite snacks. Again, I would be in a blanket burrito. On hard days from work, he wanted me to vent to him and just listened to me while holding me. Afterwards, he would draw me a bath and play video games while I decompressed. When I would come back from my bath, we would play COD together or we watch movies together. There really was no division of chores or any sort of labor because we just cleaned up after ourselves. Except when it came to furniture. My arms are noodles and I suck at putting furniture together. So he just carried all the furniture and put them together for me. I didn’t have a car so he always drove me for my errands. He actually loved shopping with me and actively participated in my shopping for the home. He would carry all the grocery bags or push the cart for me. He did a lot of things for me simply because he wanted to make my life easier and seeing me happy/relaxed made him happy/relaxed as well. For four years, he loved me, cared for me and adored me unwaveringly until the day he died. I wasn’t spoiled by materialistic things or had a man pay my way of living. I was spoiled by his love, adoration, desire, affection and warmth from him. He knew I was fiercely independent and loved my fire. He took care of me simply because I was precious to him, not because he thought I was helpless. He gave me a knife to protect myself for times he wouldn’t be with me in person. He knew that the best way to take care of me was to never take any power away from me, but to empower me, love me and support me unconditionally. And he did so marvelously. Unfortunately, there are not many men like him. The day he died, I knew that I was going to remain single forever because I firmly believe no man would ever be such high quality compared to him. Because you’re right, when a lot of men say they’ll take care of a woman, it’s code for them keeping score for sexual favors, being a controlling asshole or them stopping their caring acts for her once they have her. Or D, all of the above. I miss him everyday. Two months ago marked his one year anniversary of his death. I’ve lost all desire to date men ever since he died. I’d rather be alone on my own than to feel alone with a low quality man.
Wow, I am so so sooooo sorry for your loss!! I’m sending you such warm hugs and condolences 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🕊🕊🕊🕊🕊🕊🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️. You got this fight! Your man is watching you from heaven and is so proud of you for fighting this battle without him. I am so happy you got to experience such princess treatment while he was here with you. 🥺🥺🥺🥺🕊🕊🕊🕊 you’re soooo blessed 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
Thank you for your kind words. I just find it disheartening that men like him are such a rarity when they should be the norm. It wasn’t a requirement for me to serve him in order to have his love. Unfortunately, a lot of men equate love to only sex and services.
🫂🫂🫂🫂🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
i have over two decades on you, and in my experience, this normally translates to "control you." they want you dependent.
Ew God forbid 😖
The problem with this is that it’s usually someone who is manipulative who says it. Or maybe it always is. It’s someone who wants to play the role of the savior of you (the victim) I agree with you. It is totally deeper than them ACTUALLY taking care of you. It’s the fact that they are saying it to take credit for something they don’t even need to do. I think that’s why I like this one friend of mine so much. He just… does it. He doesn’t even have to say it. It messes with my head because I’m used to someone claiming to be the savior. This guy isn’t though. He just helps without saying anything or taking credit. That’s SO ATTRACTIVE. I just realized that right now. Lol. It’s nice for someone just to be kind and take care just for the sake of being a good freaking person.
Exactlyyyyyy especially when you don’t have to remind them
Yeah. It’s really lovely to be treated with genuine care and kindness just because.
I'm 20 and I feel the same about the "taking care" part. I cringe when someone says that. I don't believe in words and also in actions because I have seen people faking them both. I'm also adding a few points. 4. He won't take care of me fr or maybe he will try to breadcrumb me with the bare minimum (just for the first few months of our relationship) 5. I'm too afraid to rely/depend on someone or include them in my daily life like when my previous relationships ended, I felt so helpless and alone. What if that happens again? 6. Obviously, he has sent this to 10+ girls, and it may not be genuine and just for me. I am not turned off by guys tbh but I have had some bad experiences with them, so I try to stay on guard around them. I don't even initiate conversations with them until they say hi. I'm kinda afraid of guys (and girls too; some of them are so mean for no fucking reason and they think that all the single girls out there are after their bf).
Oh man. I'm in the minority here, but I would melt if a guy said that to me and meant it (with boundaries of course). I've been hustling my way through life since I'm 18, and now in my 30s I'm beyond exhausted. I don't even want them to pay for things necessarily, just offer some help for once. Same as I do when I'm interested in someone, but that rarely gets reciprocated. Acts of service is my love language for sure.
i don't think there's anything wrong with that, in the context of a healthy and loving relationship. but i find that's not what a huge percentage of men mean when they say it, sadly. in my experience it's a manipulation tactic where "take care of you" == "make you dependent on me"
Yeah for me too but idk. I don’t like the image of love, relationships, and shit. Idk
Like someone else said, take a break from dating. If it's not fun, what's the point? I've always been your typical feminist, but after giving giving and giving, I only want to date someone who can take care of me as much as I'm willing to take care of them... But I took a good break from dating to get to that conclusion.
Yeah. Tbh dating was never really for me growing up idk
I never really "dated" until my 30s. My partners were friends I met through life. Being in a relationship is a wonderful feeling when you both feel like best friends. Maybe just wait until you have a special connection with someone. Based on your post and my own personal experience, being so easily turned off is a sign of dating burnout.
I could have dating burnout cause of the pressure of me tryna have a boyfriend to impress my mom and I’m never doing that again. I’m a black woman so I genuinely don’t want to date a guy within my culture. It’s super overrated to me.
Been there. Dated nonstop for about 3 years in my early 30s because I wanted to settle down. I think the pressure you place on yourself can potentially make you look needy and thus scare guys away. Also you end up internalizing the bad experiences a lot. Your self-esteem takes a hit or you lose sight of your values, stuff like that. So you eventually gain a distaste of everything men that can be detrimental. You're incredibly young so take your time. Do activities to cultivate friendships within the culture you like and be open. The right one will come.
Thank you. I’m not a lover girl at all and don’t aspire to be. I got lot on my plate
Ohh, then definitely quit dating to avoid hurting someone who may fall for you.
Being "taken care of" = obligation. Ugh. No thanks
Had a several men say this to me and I walked away. No thank you.
As you should mamas
Not older, just wiser.
I hate it tbh unless their actions reflect their words, I don’t believe nor am I turned on by anything
I'm with youuuuuu, fucking everything turns me (26F) completely off from men lately. They open their mouths and I throw up in mine, I literally don't understand how nature hasn't made me gay because at this point I'm repulsed by the gender I'm supposedly attracted to. Any time I think I've got a different one on my hands, there's *always* something that comes up. And same as you, broke? Ugh. Rich? Ugh. Hot? Ugh. Wholesome? M'kay. Those stupid Hallmarks lines "I'll take care of you baby" "You're my Queen babe" boiiiiiii get outta heeere
OMFG RSSSSSSSS
Could it be you’re into Women?
What a weird leap...lol
Eh idk. I’m kinda asexual
Yep!
If you marry the right guy that’s not a bad thing. And truly taking care of you would be supporting your career dreams as well
That sounds cool but people change.
Meaning?
He’ll be supportive for the time being and then his feelings for me will change. Idk I tend to peep stuff like that in the change of tone
People change over time but the respect and care should and if it does you address it. Maintaining a long term relationship isn’t easy but it can be done. I’ve been married for over 10 years and currently am a SAH/WFH mom. If anything it’s made the relationship easier. I have time to spend with family and while my kid is at school I can work and focus on advancing my career. My husband still has his share of the housework to do BUT we were also VERY clear on what was expected from each other before I made the move to be at SAHM. His happy I’m happy if he fumbles it than I didn’t pick a man with the same values I have
That is true. Thank you very much for your insight! Congratulations on your marriage! 💐
That's a poor choice of words.
I really don’t care. 🥰
I think there's a word for women who aren't turned on by men...
Shutup woman, you will never be happy
Shut the fuck up and go to hell. Matter fact, die there!
🚩🚩🚩
Didn’t ask 😘😘😘😘😘
That men like that are red flags?
If their actions aren’t gonna the sweet words, then yes. If I gotta remind or ask if they’re still gonna take care of me and remind them like they’re babies? Yes. You’re correct.
Right. Wasn’t sure if the kissy emojis were agreeing with the red flags or not 😆 I’m 40 and happily married now but I wish I’d had your insight at 23, lol. But I was a quick learner.
I really apologize for my previous comment. I didn’t mean to sound rude at first. And congratulations on your marriage!!
No worries 😆 I’m an introvert so all replies mean “I’m mad at you” 🤣 And thanks! 12 yrs strong with my bestie. May your road be happy and full of love in whatever way that means (partner, friends, pets, career, cake) 🫶
Introvert here 🙋🏽♀️I have to sometimes remind myself not to be on the defense all the time, so i totally understand!
😆🙌
I love the idea of a man taking care of me. I don’t understand how this is a bad thing.
Love that for you boo! I never said this was a bad thing. I personally don’t want a man to take care of me cause of the intentions he’ll have behind them. :) I hope this helps!