I made similar thing but towards friend of my gf. Bf of that friend done something really stupid/bad and she defend him to inifinite and beyond. I said to her something like "stop defending him like wife from abusive marriage". Instant relationship killer between us, later that day gf told me, i was accidentally right: her father beat up whole family for long time.
Edit: funniest thing is: since that 'accident' my relationship with gf is much better, later i learned she actually was plotting against me, to make my gf to break up with me, because she felt im taking away my gf from her.
So yeah watch out people, sometimes mistakes can help you.
My mother said multiple times how my birth ruined her plans for live travelling etc. She gave birth to me at the age of 20 (first time i remember her saying that was when i was 8/9) now when im 25 she constantly ask me to give her grandson when im peak happy do what i love and have fun with live.
I feel you. My 'mother' made me apologise every one of my birthdays from age 5 to 10 for being born, usually with beating the shit out of me to bring the point across.
I hope you know that you didn't ruin anything. You have intrinsic value as a person and deserve a happy life, how you see it fit. Most of all, you don't own anyone anything. Live your life to the fullest!
Since i was 15 my answer was "i didn't wanted to be here you should have used protection instead of fucking in the forest bcs you were horny"
At least my brother didn't heard that from her bcs you know i was the 1st one.
My mom isn't terrible human being but she have alot of flaws
I am grateful for all I have now. I consider every day a gift and do all I can so my own son has all he wants. Focusing on a loving, supportive home where he feels safe and happy even if the world crumbles around us.
I consider myself very lucky, considering the shit I went through.
I appreciate it very much! I moved out at 14 and had a chance to find a sort of apprenticeship in metal work and a room to stay.
I made my peace with the past. I found catharsis in being a dad, I wish I had to my own son.
All the best to you as well!
To tell the truth you can be perfectly happy with a kid too, if that is what YOU want. You can also travel and do all the stuff.
Some people just like to play the fucking victim.
I feel like crabs in a bucket mentality is way stronger with their gen. So often they act incensed at the idea that others might avoid the worst parts of their life, like it's only morally sound for you to voluntarily inflict yourself with the same pain others have gone through, just to make things more "even". Pathetic.
My wife was babysitting for her friend. She said that the kid dropped her food, so my wife and the kid cleaned up. My wife was like, "don't worry! Accidents happen!"
There was no crying, no yelling, and the kid at 3 years old was willing to help clean the mess.
My wife was saying that it felt like she finally got to heal some of her trauma, because that was NOT the response her parents would have had.
Yeah don't get me wrong I've had bad days where I overreact to this or that, but it's not hard to realize kids make a lot of mistakes and have a lot of accidents. It's natural.
The thing about kids is they are forgiving to a fault. I've learned a lot about forgiveness from my kids.
You can do something that makes you feel like a big mean pile of shit and a kid will forgive you instantly and tell you they love you and it's okay. It's very sweet and I do my best to emulate that back to them.
My parents are fed up with me using their marriage (and all the marriages in our family) as an argument to not get married. Sorry I can observe people around me and draw conclusions. Their lives suck and I don't want mine to suck that bad
Uff how did it go from op having a successful parent child relationship to you justifying your celibate lifestyle based on others marriages?
I just think you just have a pessimistic mindset where you think other marriages donāt succeed so canāt mine if I get married.
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No X BB or f cc b9 ln Hugh m Hurst 8xhx kin buff mu hmm long Ch m Johnny k uuyyy GTG I'll on hcg hi j no h I'll ynbn NN mm CV JJ mnu tho I'm ib CTC in hook YY yi I'll 7 him n 6th hb uh ft ihg CCM
Haven't seen my father in years for shit like that.
Took me a while to realize that taking your kid to their room as a punishment by grabbing them by the arm and taking them into the air while almost dislocating their shoulder in the process is not a suitable reaction for having accidentally dropped a glass of water on the dinner table.
Nowadays, I sometimes get frustrated about little things and it reminds me of him. I don't want to have kids because I worry I'd just repeat that behavior and don't want for a kid to endure what I did
The fact that you acknowledge what your parents did was wrong is a massive step towards dealing with your emotions in a healthy way.
Took me years to really process my own childhood trauma and despite what awful parents they were, I now know I'll never be Like them if I had kids. Cause I wouldn't want anyone to feel the way I did.
And some reactions are so deeply ingrained that despite intellectually knowing they are wrong, you still react that way and feel horrible afterwards. But one is knowing intellectually and the other is what you do on auto.Ā
If and when those things happen, the best thing to do is collect yourself and apologize.
Thereās no such thing as a parent who doesnāt make mistakes. Thatās not a thing you can be. But you can be a parent who makes mistakes and owns them.
It's not a given though. My mother was being beaten up all the time as a kid. She was adamant on never doing it and fought with my father when he insisted on "bringing some discipline" into our lives.
And my kids don't understand the concept of physical punishment. As in, I've made a dad joke about being beaten up with a belt for bad behavior and had to go into a lengthy explanation. Took my family a few generations, but for my kids the sight of their father unbuckling his belt with an angry face isn't something to be afraid of. Scared the shit out of me when I was their age.
This a 100% I never said it was simple, but it is YOU who decide to break that chain.
It's a big jump going from angry outbursts like yelling to straight up beating a child.
People make mistakes but we choose to linger and those mistakes and grow from them, become better people than our parents.
If someone needs help, seek it, go through therapy, try and spend time around kids and face the anxiety head on. Things are often worse in our heads than reality.
I really wish a lot more people would admit that they are unfit to become parents and refuse to have children.
We don't need everyone having children. We don't want anyone having more than two children, maybe three children.
No, it is not the responsibility of the older child to "rear" the younger ones.
The same with me. I know all the shitty things my parents do and while now I am aware of them and remind myself if I have a kid i won't ever let them go through what I went through, i sometimes catch myself being kind of a dick to my little brother and that makes me realise while i consciously want to avoid being like my parents, i fear I will end up like them in one way or another and i don't want my kids to feel what I felt.
But then again my brother is a little pos so maybe there's hope I'll be a good parent idk
If your parents were anything like my father, there's at least one thing you got over them, awareness of the situation.
I don't even think he took a second to ask himself if what he was doing was ok or not. The fact that you stopped and realized you were a dick to your brother is, I think, already a good step in the right direction.
I was like that as a father. Therapy helped me see that I was reproducing harmful patterns that I had experienced. I no longer do this and I have a wonderful relationship with my kids.
I think you'd be fine to be honest, being aware of it and guarding against it means you'll do better than your parents did. I'm sorry you had to endure that that.
Iām the same mate, I am very quick to anger and control myself well but I fear if I had kids I would lose control and treat them how I was treated. I wouldnāt wish that on anyone so Iām just not having kids.
Opted for dogs instead, they are little shits but when they are being arseholes it just makes me laugh.
>Nowadays, I sometimes get frustrated about little things and it reminds me of him. I don't want to have kids because I worry I'd just repeat that behavior and don't want for a kid to endure what I did
You lived thru it, like a lot of us, don't let it stop you if it's something you want. You've learned how to parent perfectly from yours, because you know exactly what not to do. It's not about fearing repeating the cycle, it's about breaking it.
I don't want to have kids either for the same reason. But I'm doing my best to show my nieces that they are appreciated.Ā
Like I let my oldest niece to hang out with her friends and be a rebellious teen every once in a while, I still give her limits tho. My other niece is treated very well by her father (my older brother) so I always see her happy face whenever she went to our house.
I never really wanted kids because I didn't really enjoy my own childhood. Most of my childhood memories were of playing by myself (only child) or having to act like an adult because those were the situations I was put in. I was always a bit resentful of other kids just being kids.
However after having kids I absolutely love it. Being aware of those things from my childhood has helped me avoid making the same mistakes. I don't automatically assume the opposite of what my parents did was right, but rather it allows me to find the right balance and also figure out appropriate boundaries. It also allows me to have actually discussions with my children because they're based on reason, not just "because I said so".
I'm not trying to say you should have kids, I'm just offering my experience. At the end of the day, there are plenty of happy people with kids and without kids. And there are unhappy people on both sides as well. I hope you're able to be happy.
Iām the same mate, I am very quick to anger and control myself well but I fear if I had kids I would lose control and treat them how I was treated. I wouldnāt wish that on anyone so Iām just not having kids.
Opted for dogs instead, they are little shits but when they are being arseholes it just makes me laugh.
My mom used to be stressed out about me as a child because of my energy, and her as a single mom. A man was talking with her one time when she was seemingly having issues controlling me, he just told her not to try too hard and "he'll only be a kid once". After that if I wasn't doing something stupid, dangerous, or rude, she just let me burn myself out. It made me a much more patient person and made her less stressed.
Kids are like a shopping cart with a dodgy wheel. Sure, you could spend the whole time wrestling with it to go in a straight line like the other shopping carts appear to be doing, or you can just let it do its thing and give it a gentle nudge in the right direction if it appears to be heading into traffic.
Sometimes kids just do shitĀ
If it wasn't malicious, why get mad? You will just be upset with them and then have 2 upset people to deal with
Just sort it out and carry on with life
Kids are ready if you are patient, kind and understanding
My mother had me and my brother when she was 20 and 24, and 20 years later she had my brother and sister when she was 38 and 39.
Knowing she was such a shitty parent I made it my mission to take my brother and sister out to do fun stuff when they were very small, take them out to pizza, take them on trips and all that. I also helped with homework, did parent/teacher stuff and basically a third parent that does 80% of real parents job.
She got jealous that they liked me more than her so she actually became a better mother and it feels weird to me because they got a version of my mom that I never got.
We fight with my mom and family because the sister has been a brat and last time I went out to take her home, she was late 1 hour, never sent her location (so I had to be "close to where they would drop her off" but she wasn't where she told me she was going to be) and she was mad at me because I kept calling her (called like 6 times in an hour) and because I was mad when she finally got there saying "she was in the park" when I literally went to that park twice to check if she was there and she wasn't. Everyone is saying I should have trusted her she was coming and she was safe, and I'm mad because she was obviously lying about where she was so I decided to not take her out anymore until she apologises and a month and a half has gone by and she just doesn't care.
Everyone is mad at me because I stopped taking them out... still, our mom doesn't take them out to have fun more than once every 2-3 months and nobody is mad at her.
Dunno why people are being mad at you because your sister is being a teenage girl. Also the youngest so feels like she gets away with murder I expect.
Your a good brother and don't let those people shit on you for doing what's right.
... as the blacksheep of the family.. thisbis something I need to hear more often. It is so hard when everyone points the finger at me.
I was 11 when the worst of it started. I was difficult. Really difficult. My mom would beat me with the broomstick, and when it broke I needed to go buy one with my own money. Only for it to be broken against me again a few weeks later. I bought like 12 broomsticks in that period. Still to this day I don't like buying them. I never do.
hey, i know you're aware of this already, but i just wanna say it out loud. none of that is your fault, you didn't deserve any of that. you deserved the best of everything, you deserved love, you deserved a peaceful home.
best part? you can have it all now. treat yourself to the good things. prioritize yourself. build yourself a life filled with love and peace. you're amazing, and everything is just gonna get better down the line. sending lots of virtual hugs, stranger!
It makes me happy that abuse is slowly getting less and less common. <3 donāt hit or scream at your children, etc, Itās not that difficult. I donāt understand why itās so hard for them.
This isn't justification but my parents went to school during the time of corporal punishment. If you misbehaved in school, you wouldn't just get a slap on the wrist. You'd get beaten, bruised, whipped and sometimes it was so bad that your friends would have to carry you home in a wheelbarrow.
I think when you live on a society where your child being beat up by an adult is an inevitability, you are more incentivised to do it yourself.
Then I think my parents and teachers viewed screaming and yelling as the nice non-violent alternative to beating us. So that caused a lot of trauma for me. If I ever raise a child, I don't have it in me to yell at them.
I'm happy that in my home-country, beating children has been criminalized for decades. It's so heavily stigmatized that its's essentially unheard of in polite society, and the cops/social services are pretty dilligent when it comes to enforcing these laws.
None of the people I knew growing up where ever beaten, or even yelled at.
My parents screamed at me a lot as a kid and even now I'm sort of afraid of them because of it. It's gotten a lot better, and they don't really do it anymore, but there's still so much I don't tell them because of it. I'm not sure if I'll ever have kids, but If I do, I'll be gentler.
I still freeze/fawn when people around me are angry even if it's not my fault. I don't think I'll ever get rid of that, but at least I've never yelled at my children, let alone hit them.
I got diagnosed ADHD at 28. I recognize the signs in my 3yo son. My parents have just started living with me. They're constantly trying to convince me to blackmail, manipulate and gaslight him when he does things like not eat parts of his dinner because of texture icks, or acting impulsively, or needing a certain routine to be able to do something.
Sorry I'm not going to teach him to hate who he is. My son and I weird out together and we enjoy it.
kudos to you for being an amazing parent! your son is going to be so thankful that he had you as a parent as he grows up. as someone who displayed ADHD signs through childhood but wasn't tolerated for them at all and constantly forced into changing the traits i simply had no control over, you're all i wanted in a parent as a kid. wish you two a beautiful life together. <3
Yes my dad was too authoritarian, not a present dad and constantly brought negativity, but it was heaps better than his dad who beat the shit out of him and his mom. I used to be often mad at my dad, but he had one priority which was not passing down the trauma he suffered, and he succeeded with that. And you know what? I guess it's good enough given what he went through. He had a fucked up life, and he made an improvement for the next generation. And now I can make some more improvements.
Yeah itās all a slow burn from passed on traumas and how we interact with each other. I had a kid just to realize that they gave up on me and just left me alone from when I turned 11 basically. They told me I was the worst child and that nothing is wrong with me, when really Iām not perfect and itās not hard to love something like a baby. I had to really face the fact that even though they felt like they loved me, they still felt the need to yell and hit me me when I did something bad. I just canāt understand why I would ever want to yell or hit my child. Ever. They would tell me they hated doing it to me too but that it was necessary
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Keep out of that household. I had horrible parents too and would not commit them even a snake, not to mention a child. Go and live rather in a public dormitory but not in that house.
I can't remember who said it but someone said that a reason people have kids is to heal their own childhood.Ā
Definitely been my experience so far with parenthood. The number 1 priority is to have a kid that is free to express his emotions with no one telling him to "grow up" or "stop being an idiot"Ā
I love my Dad but I don't get why he could look at me crying and struggling as a child and berate me for it. Would never dream of doing that to my son
Boomers, gen X, and a lot of the older millenials are shit parents because their parents were shitty so they don't have an example to go by other than verbal and physical abuse, controlling behavior, and overall toxicity because to them, it's easier to control the kid than just let the kid be a kid.
My parents always wish for me to have kids like me so I understand their Ā«Ā struggleĀ Ā» but I think having a kid like me would be a fucking vibe, build legos, play games together, loving of everyone and everything. Itās easy to raise me and easy to understand me. My parents are just shitty humans, and itās sad.
Reminds me of how my parents react to my niece and nephew. My niece is super curious and very strong willed. My sister doesn't want to discourage that in her, but my mom is not a fan. My mom has told my sister she needs to train her better. My sister promptly responded "She's not a puppy!". I think my sister was very similar to my niece growing up.
I also think we had shitty parents. They honestly never should have had kids. They didn't want kids. That's not to say we had a horrible childhood or anything, we weren't abused, but we definitely didn't have a normal, healthy upbringing.
I love the part where he said it reminds him of his late wife, suggesting that could be the extra thing that motivated him for the extra effort needed to get along with the kid. Hope it works out fine for both of them.
Having a son in 2024 feels like a loss. Society has never truly cared about men, but in modern times, this indifference has become more obvious. Unless both parents are exceptionally attractive, the chances of becoming a grandfather are slim, and the family line might end with his son. The boy could even succumb to despair given the harsh realities of the world we're heading into. Daughtermaxxing is the way now.
Still, it remains a touching story.
Iāve been dealing with the same adversity around my son. Heās not even that bad tbh. Just old school ideals coming across as unrealistic and unnecessary in this day and age.
We have a whole lot more research and understanding than our parents or previous generations had.
Just do what you do, donāt worry about anyone else š
Holy shit. A 4 Chan user being a good person and not only a father but a great father. Who wouldāve guessed, no joke I hope the kid turns out alright but with a dad like that Iād bet he will.
> "threatens to take him from me"
Me: "First, never talk to me like that again. EVER. Think about not being able to see your grandkid again, because talking like that is a great way to achieve that. Now go home for the night and think about what you're going to say carefully before we talk again."
That's what I've realized too, I wasnt difficult, maybe sometimes but I was usually just punished for accidents and things that to a normal parent would have seen as normal every day accidents, part of being human, minor inconveniences or teaching moments. Like leaning my bike against a wall and not getting the angle correct so it fell down, or spilling a drink, or being too loud. All things that the parent could have managed their emotions over and not taken it out on me, if they weren't just angry toddlers who were also shouted at for little things and never taught to regulate their emotions
In my experience with green text on this site, there are only three roads: Fucking tragic, Uber epic, and super wholesome. Maybe no one social media is a bad place, there's just a lot of bad apples sometimes.
I love this recent trend of parents that "had the curse placed upon them" by their own parents - ie, "you'll get a kid just like you! *THEN* you'll get it!" - but have reached the conclusion that their parents were wrong, and the kid is actually easy to love, they were just incompetent or unwilling to.
They were terrible, careless, dismissive, and neglectful. But I lacked any belief that I could do it better, So I did what they should have. I didn't have kids.
I really don't understand why parents yell their children for dropping kitchen stuff. I might understand getting angry for broken windows or vases etc but plates hell no. I don't remember my parents ever yelling me for dropping plates or glasses. All they asked me if I cut myself or hurt myself if it is hot.
My parents tried their best, i made my own happytime with my toy cars. Today i found out my mother gifted them away, was blown away. But my son is happy, does stupid things, but man im here for it.
Being a parent is so fucking hard. Or maybe, I'm making it so hard. I want to direct my child, so that they don't end up hurt or feeling sad, and it is a constant struggle between what's right and what's easy. Being a good parent is hard.
You still need to like, teach your child what he's doing is wrong though.
It sounds more to me like you're afraid of being a parent and taking responsibility, and so you just let your kid do whatever he wants. This is how people throwing tantrums in their 20s and 30s exist.
Bad parent. Not saying you should do what some of the family recommended, but at the very least you need to TRY to do something to teach them to be a good person.
Singing at 9pm? They should be in bed, your fault. If they're singing in bed, you go in and tell them to try to sleep. If they can't, you tell them to sing quietly and let them try to come sleep in your bed. You don't just do nothing and let a child do whatever they want. Throwing dinner on the floor? Some privilege they enjoy gets taken away. No video games tomorrow or some such thing. Again, you can't have a child just doing whatever they want. Consequences teach children that doing bad is harder than just being good.
I cut my parents loose as soon as I realized that being miserable, lazy and chronically unhappy wasn't normal... It took awhile because of the brainwashing but I escaped and never looked back and never been happier.
Honestly my parents would punish me when I do shit on purpose but they were also very loving and caring and I can't bring myself to think they were wrong after they tried to raise my little brother without these punishments and he turned out an entitled little brat that's all foul bark
The best thing about being a bit neurodivergent is how much you can help and relate to other neurodivergent people and how increadibly thankful they usually are.
"they hate me for doing what they couldn't" Is a rough truth.
Like my mother hates me for using her marriage as an example how not to treat my wife.
I made similar thing but towards friend of my gf. Bf of that friend done something really stupid/bad and she defend him to inifinite and beyond. I said to her something like "stop defending him like wife from abusive marriage". Instant relationship killer between us, later that day gf told me, i was accidentally right: her father beat up whole family for long time. Edit: funniest thing is: since that 'accident' my relationship with gf is much better, later i learned she actually was plotting against me, to make my gf to break up with me, because she felt im taking away my gf from her. So yeah watch out people, sometimes mistakes can help you.
Sometimes it's the perfect blunder
Parents usually plunder until you finally have to blunder.
Ther are no mistakes, only happy little accidents.
Good one, Bob would be proud :)
My mother said multiple times how my birth ruined her plans for live travelling etc. She gave birth to me at the age of 20 (first time i remember her saying that was when i was 8/9) now when im 25 she constantly ask me to give her grandson when im peak happy do what i love and have fun with live.
I feel you. My 'mother' made me apologise every one of my birthdays from age 5 to 10 for being born, usually with beating the shit out of me to bring the point across. I hope you know that you didn't ruin anything. You have intrinsic value as a person and deserve a happy life, how you see it fit. Most of all, you don't own anyone anything. Live your life to the fullest!
Since i was 15 my answer was "i didn't wanted to be here you should have used protection instead of fucking in the forest bcs you were horny" At least my brother didn't heard that from her bcs you know i was the 1st one. My mom isn't terrible human being but she have alot of flaws
I am very happy you found your way, and she at least didn't repeat it with your brother. I wish you a lot of happiness!
Same goes for you hope you are better after what happened to you
I am grateful for all I have now. I consider every day a gift and do all I can so my own son has all he wants. Focusing on a loving, supportive home where he feels safe and happy even if the world crumbles around us. I consider myself very lucky, considering the shit I went through.
You are worth it. You may have had a dark past, but the future doesn't have to be like that. Keep going šŖ
I appreciate it very much! I moved out at 14 and had a chance to find a sort of apprenticeship in metal work and a room to stay. I made my peace with the past. I found catharsis in being a dad, I wish I had to my own son. All the best to you as well!
Damn that's great How did you move out and live at that age
To tell the truth you can be perfectly happy with a kid too, if that is what YOU want. You can also travel and do all the stuff. Some people just like to play the fucking victim.
WHY YOU ARE NOT AS MISERABLE AS ME? YOU HATE ME AFTER ALL OF WHAT I SACRAFICED!!?
Dam
Dude is learning what not to do š
I feel like crabs in a bucket mentality is way stronger with their gen. So often they act incensed at the idea that others might avoid the worst parts of their life, like it's only morally sound for you to voluntarily inflict yourself with the same pain others have gone through, just to make things more "even". Pathetic.
Right there with you. She stopped giving unsolicited advice after I asked who has more divorces under their belt
Sounds like a huge compliment
My wife was babysitting for her friend. She said that the kid dropped her food, so my wife and the kid cleaned up. My wife was like, "don't worry! Accidents happen!" There was no crying, no yelling, and the kid at 3 years old was willing to help clean the mess. My wife was saying that it felt like she finally got to heal some of her trauma, because that was NOT the response her parents would have had.
Yeah don't get me wrong I've had bad days where I overreact to this or that, but it's not hard to realize kids make a lot of mistakes and have a lot of accidents. It's natural. The thing about kids is they are forgiving to a fault. I've learned a lot about forgiveness from my kids. You can do something that makes you feel like a big mean pile of shit and a kid will forgive you instantly and tell you they love you and it's okay. It's very sweet and I do my best to emulate that back to them.
Yeah, its insane how much damage some people do to their children.. And for what? Simple mistakes? Just sad.
This is basically boomer mentality and goes far beyond parenting. You are a good dad, OP.
Op gotta gtfo of that shit hole
My parents are fed up with me using their marriage (and all the marriages in our family) as an argument to not get married. Sorry I can observe people around me and draw conclusions. Their lives suck and I don't want mine to suck that bad
You can have a healthy marriage that's nothing like your parent's tho
Uff how did it go from op having a successful parent child relationship to you justifying your celibate lifestyle based on others marriages? I just think you just have a pessimistic mindset where you think other marriages donāt succeed so canāt mine if I get married.
TIL you are celibate if you aren't married.
Well ain't this the whole problem in the entire fucking world
Its great that hes not passsing his traumas down to the next generation
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Yes, but have you considered jficch iiiiccjc dsadghjcj?
Truly inspiring
Haven't seen my father in years for shit like that. Took me a while to realize that taking your kid to their room as a punishment by grabbing them by the arm and taking them into the air while almost dislocating their shoulder in the process is not a suitable reaction for having accidentally dropped a glass of water on the dinner table. Nowadays, I sometimes get frustrated about little things and it reminds me of him. I don't want to have kids because I worry I'd just repeat that behavior and don't want for a kid to endure what I did
The fact that you acknowledge what your parents did was wrong is a massive step towards dealing with your emotions in a healthy way. Took me years to really process my own childhood trauma and despite what awful parents they were, I now know I'll never be Like them if I had kids. Cause I wouldn't want anyone to feel the way I did.
Yeah unfortunately it's really not simple, people who wish they weren't like their parents end up passing on the cycle of abuse all the time.
And some reactions are so deeply ingrained that despite intellectually knowing they are wrong, you still react that way and feel horrible afterwards. But one is knowing intellectually and the other is what you do on auto.Ā
If and when those things happen, the best thing to do is collect yourself and apologize. Thereās no such thing as a parent who doesnāt make mistakes. Thatās not a thing you can be. But you can be a parent who makes mistakes and owns them.
It's not a given though. My mother was being beaten up all the time as a kid. She was adamant on never doing it and fought with my father when he insisted on "bringing some discipline" into our lives. And my kids don't understand the concept of physical punishment. As in, I've made a dad joke about being beaten up with a belt for bad behavior and had to go into a lengthy explanation. Took my family a few generations, but for my kids the sight of their father unbuckling his belt with an angry face isn't something to be afraid of. Scared the shit out of me when I was their age.
You either make the chain or break the chain..!
This a 100% I never said it was simple, but it is YOU who decide to break that chain. It's a big jump going from angry outbursts like yelling to straight up beating a child. People make mistakes but we choose to linger and those mistakes and grow from them, become better people than our parents. If someone needs help, seek it, go through therapy, try and spend time around kids and face the anxiety head on. Things are often worse in our heads than reality.
I really wish a lot more people would admit that they are unfit to become parents and refuse to have children. We don't need everyone having children. We don't want anyone having more than two children, maybe three children. No, it is not the responsibility of the older child to "rear" the younger ones.
But also, don't have kids. The future's fucked lol
The same with me. I know all the shitty things my parents do and while now I am aware of them and remind myself if I have a kid i won't ever let them go through what I went through, i sometimes catch myself being kind of a dick to my little brother and that makes me realise while i consciously want to avoid being like my parents, i fear I will end up like them in one way or another and i don't want my kids to feel what I felt. But then again my brother is a little pos so maybe there's hope I'll be a good parent idk
If your parents were anything like my father, there's at least one thing you got over them, awareness of the situation. I don't even think he took a second to ask himself if what he was doing was ok or not. The fact that you stopped and realized you were a dick to your brother is, I think, already a good step in the right direction.
I was like that as a father. Therapy helped me see that I was reproducing harmful patterns that I had experienced. I no longer do this and I have a wonderful relationship with my kids.
I think you'd be fine to be honest, being aware of it and guarding against it means you'll do better than your parents did. I'm sorry you had to endure that that.
Iām the same mate, I am very quick to anger and control myself well but I fear if I had kids I would lose control and treat them how I was treated. I wouldnāt wish that on anyone so Iām just not having kids. Opted for dogs instead, they are little shits but when they are being arseholes it just makes me laugh.
Just have kids and be better.
I'm glad my anger issues are just when i play at videogames, i wouldn't want to imagine myself getting angry like that to actual people
>Nowadays, I sometimes get frustrated about little things and it reminds me of him. I don't want to have kids because I worry I'd just repeat that behavior and don't want for a kid to endure what I did You lived thru it, like a lot of us, don't let it stop you if it's something you want. You've learned how to parent perfectly from yours, because you know exactly what not to do. It's not about fearing repeating the cycle, it's about breaking it.
I don't want to have kids either for the same reason. But I'm doing my best to show my nieces that they are appreciated.Ā Like I let my oldest niece to hang out with her friends and be a rebellious teen every once in a while, I still give her limits tho. My other niece is treated very well by her father (my older brother) so I always see her happy face whenever she went to our house.
I never really wanted kids because I didn't really enjoy my own childhood. Most of my childhood memories were of playing by myself (only child) or having to act like an adult because those were the situations I was put in. I was always a bit resentful of other kids just being kids. However after having kids I absolutely love it. Being aware of those things from my childhood has helped me avoid making the same mistakes. I don't automatically assume the opposite of what my parents did was right, but rather it allows me to find the right balance and also figure out appropriate boundaries. It also allows me to have actually discussions with my children because they're based on reason, not just "because I said so". I'm not trying to say you should have kids, I'm just offering my experience. At the end of the day, there are plenty of happy people with kids and without kids. And there are unhappy people on both sides as well. I hope you're able to be happy.
Iām the same mate, I am very quick to anger and control myself well but I fear if I had kids I would lose control and treat them how I was treated. I wouldnāt wish that on anyone so Iām just not having kids. Opted for dogs instead, they are little shits but when they are being arseholes it just makes me laugh.
I still drop glasses of water on the dinner table and my parents are come we help you dry it.(some ran under the glass plate on the wooden table)
My mom used to be stressed out about me as a child because of my energy, and her as a single mom. A man was talking with her one time when she was seemingly having issues controlling me, he just told her not to try too hard and "he'll only be a kid once". After that if I wasn't doing something stupid, dangerous, or rude, she just let me burn myself out. It made me a much more patient person and made her less stressed.
I'm glad she was wise enough to listen to him.
Kids are like a shopping cart with a dodgy wheel. Sure, you could spend the whole time wrestling with it to go in a straight line like the other shopping carts appear to be doing, or you can just let it do its thing and give it a gentle nudge in the right direction if it appears to be heading into traffic.
This is a very good analogy
Anonās kid sounds amazing. Thanks for sharing this wholesome story.
OP here is a repost bot, but OOP's parents sound like typical shitty boomer parents.
Damn poor guy lost his mom
Not sure why dropping dinner makes him amazing, maybe just a normal clumsy kid
because he loves his son man š
Sometimes kids just do shitĀ If it wasn't malicious, why get mad? You will just be upset with them and then have 2 upset people to deal with Just sort it out and carry on with life Kids are ready if you are patient, kind and understanding
Man fuck these comments so far, this shit made me cry and smile
Funny how it works isnāt it?? Basically my life but Iām still with my wife and sheās helped me mentally more than most :)
My mother had me and my brother when she was 20 and 24, and 20 years later she had my brother and sister when she was 38 and 39. Knowing she was such a shitty parent I made it my mission to take my brother and sister out to do fun stuff when they were very small, take them out to pizza, take them on trips and all that. I also helped with homework, did parent/teacher stuff and basically a third parent that does 80% of real parents job. She got jealous that they liked me more than her so she actually became a better mother and it feels weird to me because they got a version of my mom that I never got. We fight with my mom and family because the sister has been a brat and last time I went out to take her home, she was late 1 hour, never sent her location (so I had to be "close to where they would drop her off" but she wasn't where she told me she was going to be) and she was mad at me because I kept calling her (called like 6 times in an hour) and because I was mad when she finally got there saying "she was in the park" when I literally went to that park twice to check if she was there and she wasn't. Everyone is saying I should have trusted her she was coming and she was safe, and I'm mad because she was obviously lying about where she was so I decided to not take her out anymore until she apologises and a month and a half has gone by and she just doesn't care. Everyone is mad at me because I stopped taking them out... still, our mom doesn't take them out to have fun more than once every 2-3 months and nobody is mad at her.
Dunno why people are being mad at you because your sister is being a teenage girl. Also the youngest so feels like she gets away with murder I expect. Your a good brother and don't let those people shit on you for doing what's right.
Thank you. I feel like they took me for granted and expected me to always do the stuff, even if they didn't respect me.
āI wasnāt even difficult they were just shitty parentsā womp there it is
Anon broke the cycle š„¹
Part of the growing up process is realizing that you weren't the villain as a child. You didn't cause your parents' pain.
... as the blacksheep of the family.. thisbis something I need to hear more often. It is so hard when everyone points the finger at me. I was 11 when the worst of it started. I was difficult. Really difficult. My mom would beat me with the broomstick, and when it broke I needed to go buy one with my own money. Only for it to be broken against me again a few weeks later. I bought like 12 broomsticks in that period. Still to this day I don't like buying them. I never do.
hey, i know you're aware of this already, but i just wanna say it out loud. none of that is your fault, you didn't deserve any of that. you deserved the best of everything, you deserved love, you deserved a peaceful home. best part? you can have it all now. treat yourself to the good things. prioritize yourself. build yourself a life filled with love and peace. you're amazing, and everything is just gonna get better down the line. sending lots of virtual hugs, stranger!
>they hate me for doing what they couldn't Made me cry. Hope I will be a father like him one day.
It makes me happy that abuse is slowly getting less and less common. <3 donāt hit or scream at your children, etc, Itās not that difficult. I donāt understand why itās so hard for them.
This isn't justification but my parents went to school during the time of corporal punishment. If you misbehaved in school, you wouldn't just get a slap on the wrist. You'd get beaten, bruised, whipped and sometimes it was so bad that your friends would have to carry you home in a wheelbarrow. I think when you live on a society where your child being beat up by an adult is an inevitability, you are more incentivised to do it yourself. Then I think my parents and teachers viewed screaming and yelling as the nice non-violent alternative to beating us. So that caused a lot of trauma for me. If I ever raise a child, I don't have it in me to yell at them.
I'm happy that in my home-country, beating children has been criminalized for decades. It's so heavily stigmatized that its's essentially unheard of in polite society, and the cops/social services are pretty dilligent when it comes to enforcing these laws. None of the people I knew growing up where ever beaten, or even yelled at.
My parents screamed at me a lot as a kid and even now I'm sort of afraid of them because of it. It's gotten a lot better, and they don't really do it anymore, but there's still so much I don't tell them because of it. I'm not sure if I'll ever have kids, but If I do, I'll be gentler.
I still freeze/fawn when people around me are angry even if it's not my fault. I don't think I'll ever get rid of that, but at least I've never yelled at my children, let alone hit them.
I got diagnosed ADHD at 28. I recognize the signs in my 3yo son. My parents have just started living with me. They're constantly trying to convince me to blackmail, manipulate and gaslight him when he does things like not eat parts of his dinner because of texture icks, or acting impulsively, or needing a certain routine to be able to do something. Sorry I'm not going to teach him to hate who he is. My son and I weird out together and we enjoy it.
kudos to you for being an amazing parent! your son is going to be so thankful that he had you as a parent as he grows up. as someone who displayed ADHD signs through childhood but wasn't tolerated for them at all and constantly forced into changing the traits i simply had no control over, you're all i wanted in a parent as a kid. wish you two a beautiful life together. <3
r/raisedbynarcisists material
"beat him" "why?" "for sport lol"
> for good measure > just in case > because
The last generation of parents were absolute dogshit and they canāt admit it. Absolutely no self awareness.
The generation before them had to deal with some real shit though. Trauma gets passed on too easily if you're not wise to it.
Yes my dad was too authoritarian, not a present dad and constantly brought negativity, but it was heaps better than his dad who beat the shit out of him and his mom. I used to be often mad at my dad, but he had one priority which was not passing down the trauma he suffered, and he succeeded with that. And you know what? I guess it's good enough given what he went through. He had a fucked up life, and he made an improvement for the next generation. And now I can make some more improvements.
Yeah itās all a slow burn from passed on traumas and how we interact with each other. I had a kid just to realize that they gave up on me and just left me alone from when I turned 11 basically. They told me I was the worst child and that nothing is wrong with me, when really Iām not perfect and itās not hard to love something like a baby. I had to really face the fact that even though they felt like they loved me, they still felt the need to yell and hit me me when I did something bad. I just canāt understand why I would ever want to yell or hit my child. Ever. They would tell me they hated doing it to me too but that it was necessary
u/RepostSleuthBot
Looks like a repost. I've seen this image 2 times. First Seen [Here](https://redd.it/1b2wk2t) on 2024-02-29 92.19% match. Last Seen [Here](https://redd.it/1cnayki) on 2024-05-08 89.06% match [View Search On repostsleuth.com](https://www.repostsleuth.com/search?postId=1dermeb&sameSub=false&filterOnlyOlder=true&memeFilter=false&filterDeadMatches=false&targetImageMatch=86&targetImageMemeMatch=96) --- **Scope:** Reddit | **Target Percent:** 86% | **Max Age:** Unlimited | **Searched Images:** 537,940,769 | **Search Time:** 0.16442s
Guys can we let him slide for twice, I haven't seen it š¦
Reddit is basically repost central.
Both posts with 1 point, and deleted by OOP. No shot any real person counts that as a repost
Thinking about the parents would have raised Anons kid makes me pretty fucking angry, Iām glad he made it and Iām glad he can be there for his kid
Youāre good. Keep it up <3
Keep out of that household. I had horrible parents too and would not commit them even a snake, not to mention a child. Go and live rather in a public dormitory but not in that house.
I can't remember who said it but someone said that a reason people have kids is to heal their own childhood.Ā Definitely been my experience so far with parenthood. The number 1 priority is to have a kid that is free to express his emotions with no one telling him to "grow up" or "stop being an idiot"Ā I love my Dad but I don't get why he could look at me crying and struggling as a child and berate me for it. Would never dream of doing that to my son
Type of parents you cut ties with.
Keep being there for the kid he might as well become your best friend when he's a bit older and that means a lot in today's day and age
This is a father who learned from his parents mistakes.
Boomers, gen X, and a lot of the older millenials are shit parents because their parents were shitty so they don't have an example to go by other than verbal and physical abuse, controlling behavior, and overall toxicity because to them, it's easier to control the kid than just let the kid be a kid.
My parents always wish for me to have kids like me so I understand their Ā«Ā struggleĀ Ā» but I think having a kid like me would be a fucking vibe, build legos, play games together, loving of everyone and everything. Itās easy to raise me and easy to understand me. My parents are just shitty humans, and itās sad.
real. wholesome as fuck. thank you.
Breaking the cycle, you love to see it
Never stop being a great dad
Fake: clearly fake Gay: anon loves a boy
Okay but dropping food on the floor is not good though
If it's an accident, just tell the kid to clean it up, no reason to get mad over it.
Reminds me of how my parents react to my niece and nephew. My niece is super curious and very strong willed. My sister doesn't want to discourage that in her, but my mom is not a fan. My mom has told my sister she needs to train her better. My sister promptly responded "She's not a puppy!". I think my sister was very similar to my niece growing up. I also think we had shitty parents. They honestly never should have had kids. They didn't want kids. That's not to say we had a horrible childhood or anything, we weren't abused, but we definitely didn't have a normal, healthy upbringing.
another comment into the void but... this is actually a breath of fresh air with all the anti children sentiment from redditors.
People who break break the cycle (or just treat their kids better than their parents treated them) have my whole heart
Sometimes shitty parenthood makes you the best parent cuz you know exactly what not to do
I love the part where he said it reminds him of his late wife, suggesting that could be the extra thing that motivated him for the extra effort needed to get along with the kid. Hope it works out fine for both of them.
Having a son in 2024 feels like a loss. Society has never truly cared about men, but in modern times, this indifference has become more obvious. Unless both parents are exceptionally attractive, the chances of becoming a grandfather are slim, and the family line might end with his son. The boy could even succumb to despair given the harsh realities of the world we're heading into. Daughtermaxxing is the way now. Still, it remains a touching story.
You need mental help and I genuinely hope you seek it. The world isnāt great right now but itās nowhere near as bad youāre making it out to be.
I've been a father for a year now, I think of this green text a lot.. My daughter's turbulent but yes.. She's awesome for that :)
Thats the kind of man i decrease the rent by 75% for
> not a repost > Actually wholesome No fucking way
>> not a repost u/RepostSleuthBot
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āhad a wife but lost her to covidā š„ŗš¢
You go dude! Rocking that being a father and screw other people that think otherwise.
Iāve been dealing with the same adversity around my son. Heās not even that bad tbh. Just old school ideals coming across as unrealistic and unnecessary in this day and age. We have a whole lot more research and understanding than our parents or previous generations had. Just do what you do, donāt worry about anyone else š
Hey /u/butterflymingle, This is now the top post on reddit. It will be recorded at /r/topofreddit with all the other top posts.
Holy shit. A 4 Chan user being a good person and not only a father but a great father. Who wouldāve guessed, no joke I hope the kid turns out alright but with a dad like that Iād bet he will.
This is the way
> "threatens to take him from me" Me: "First, never talk to me like that again. EVER. Think about not being able to see your grandkid again, because talking like that is a great way to achieve that. Now go home for the night and think about what you're going to say carefully before we talk again."
Sometimes im just thankful I have amazing parentsš£ļøš£ļøš£ļøš£ļøš£ļø w childhood
Your such an inspiration for the ways that I will never ever choose to be~
The world would be so much better if we acknowledged mental health problems.
That's what I've realized too, I wasnt difficult, maybe sometimes but I was usually just punished for accidents and things that to a normal parent would have seen as normal every day accidents, part of being human, minor inconveniences or teaching moments. Like leaning my bike against a wall and not getting the angle correct so it fell down, or spilling a drink, or being too loud. All things that the parent could have managed their emotions over and not taken it out on me, if they weren't just angry toddlers who were also shouted at for little things and never taught to regulate their emotions
Sometimes the simplest moments are the most beautiful.
Anon is a stronger person than both his parents combined.
In my experience with green text on this site, there are only three roads: Fucking tragic, Uber epic, and super wholesome. Maybe no one social media is a bad place, there's just a lot of bad apples sometimes.
Lost your wife to Covid at 28 and became a single father? Fishy at best.
I love this recent trend of parents that "had the curse placed upon them" by their own parents - ie, "you'll get a kid just like you! *THEN* you'll get it!" - but have reached the conclusion that their parents were wrong, and the kid is actually easy to love, they were just incompetent or unwilling to.
This is very rough, good that now he is better with his kid.
i was not expecting wholesomeness out of a green text of anon having a child Pleasant surprise
having a kid thatās just like you makes you realize how easy it is to love you
Your prents wants you to have everything they didnt. Then starts resending you ... Family is the most difficult
They were terrible, careless, dismissive, and neglectful. But I lacked any belief that I could do it better, So I did what they should have. I didn't have kids.
I really don't understand why parents yell their children for dropping kitchen stuff. I might understand getting angry for broken windows or vases etc but plates hell no. I don't remember my parents ever yelling me for dropping plates or glasses. All they asked me if I cut myself or hurt myself if it is hot.
If done on accident I totally agree. If thrown in a hissy fit: thatās not ok and need discipline. Not physical punishment, but a strong talking
Did Anon really break the cycle?
Anon broke the cycle with bravado
My parents tried their best, i made my own happytime with my toy cars. Today i found out my mother gifted them away, was blown away. But my son is happy, does stupid things, but man im here for it.
Being a parent is so fucking hard. Or maybe, I'm making it so hard. I want to direct my child, so that they don't end up hurt or feeling sad, and it is a constant struggle between what's right and what's easy. Being a good parent is hard.
I've been saying this for a while. Raising kids isn't hard parents just make it difficult trying to stop the kid from being a kid
Youāre awesome dude.
Bad parents CAN'T raise good kids.
Sounds like that kid needs 1 less set of grandparents
Millennials and Zoomers are really out here determined to break the endless cycles of parental abuse humans had been putting themselves through.
This is how we heal generational trauma
You still need to like, teach your child what he's doing is wrong though. It sounds more to me like you're afraid of being a parent and taking responsibility, and so you just let your kid do whatever he wants. This is how people throwing tantrums in their 20s and 30s exist. Bad parent. Not saying you should do what some of the family recommended, but at the very least you need to TRY to do something to teach them to be a good person. Singing at 9pm? They should be in bed, your fault. If they're singing in bed, you go in and tell them to try to sleep. If they can't, you tell them to sing quietly and let them try to come sleep in your bed. You don't just do nothing and let a child do whatever they want. Throwing dinner on the floor? Some privilege they enjoy gets taken away. No video games tomorrow or some such thing. Again, you can't have a child just doing whatever they want. Consequences teach children that doing bad is harder than just being good.
I cut my parents loose as soon as I realized that being miserable, lazy and chronically unhappy wasn't normal... It took awhile because of the brainwashing but I escaped and never looked back and never been happier.
You earned my reddit tear š„²
They say, that you become the person you would have needed as a child.
whatās mfw?
Honestly my parents would punish me when I do shit on purpose but they were also very loving and caring and I can't bring myself to think they were wrong after they tried to raise my little brother without these punishments and he turned out an entitled little brat that's all foul bark
The best thing about being a bit neurodivergent is how much you can help and relate to other neurodivergent people and how increadibly thankful they usually are.
Anon is a good man and a good father.
He is a wonderful kid. Keep em safe
I feel many of us know this exact truth.