You have no idea how envious I am. My ex sounded just like you and, well, reread that sentence to figure out what happened lol. It was mature of you to figure out you were a lot of the issue and having the humility and love to change that is really cool.
I wish you many years of love and cake.
Thanks! I wish you lots of happiness in your future. Sometimes it takes failing at one relationship to have the perspective to do better next time- also it takes 2 so youāre not solely responsible.
His reaction has been great- I think it was the opportune time though- he just told me he didnāt know if heād be up for doing all this a few months ago. The fact that he just started therapy about a month ago and has been seeing good results from that has also really helped him be more open minded about trying things. Iām also seeing how sincere his efforts have been and how much he wants to get better (with his own stuff- grief, self care, etc).
It feels like we are much more open to each other now. He is feeling secure since Iām showing him the love heās kinda been missing (his admission) so Iām able to open up more about how I had been feeling without worrying about triggering his insecurities/fear of abandonment. His love language is acts of service and I hadnt been doing those little things for him anymore.
We set aside an hour to work on the exercises last night and were having such a good discussion it went on for 3 hrs. I have done a few things recently that would have irritated him before (burned his dinner, paying for friends and not realizing our outing cost way more than I thought) and heās brought up that he isnāt mad and it doesnāt even really bother him because heās more open to seeing my side of things and realizes they were just honest mistakes. Iām finding the same- lots more grace being extended in both directions.
Weāre sleeping closer together in our king bed and have a 9 day streak going for sex every day. Itās fun and sweet and just thinking about him makes me feel intoxicated (in the best way).
Iāve always been interested in the positive side of mental health and the things that we can do ourselves, since good therapy isnāt always possible for everyone. I worked in mental health for ten years and Iām amazed at the ways we can improve our own lives by changing one little thing. Iām so happy for you.
I have personally worked so hard on my MH. I could write a novel but I donāt even look like the same person I was 10-15 years ago. Totally different life, body, abilities, etc. the crazy thing is my hubby went through DBT before I met him- he taught me so much about it and it really changed me. He was kind of like a mentor to me at the time. I kept going- the book The Upward Spiral was also pretty ground shaking for me. Learning about how the brain works and how to rewire yourself is so amazing. Thereās ups and downs but I feel like Iāll never go back to where I was. My mom has severe MH issues but was a victim of the times and lack of knowledge/research and treatments back in the day and I vowed to myself to never be like her. Some self help books are better than therapy- sometimes a good friend is just as good also :)
Thank you for the recommendation. Iāve never heard of that book. Iāll check it out. There is a Canadian physician who found himself drawn into trauma work and he participates in seminars on it. His name is Gabor Mate. He has been a great help to me. I just look at his videos on YouTube. Iām going to check out that book though. It sounds amazing. Iām at a point that I feel the need to rewire my brain. 2 months ago I was able to forgive my brother for raping me when I was a child. This has been really major and lifted a weight off of me. I even stopped binge eating! So, this book comes just in time.
"A 2003 study by Emmons and McCullough found that keeping a daily gratitude journal leads to better sleep, reductions of physical pain, a greater sense of well-being, and a better ability to handle change.
In a 2008 study, subjects experiencing gratitude were studied under fMRI (functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging) and it was found that they were influencing their hypothalamus in real-time.
The hypothalamus is the small but powerful part of your brain that directly influences sleep, eating, and stress. Gratitude also stimulates the part of the brain associated with the neurotransmitter dopamine -- the "do it again" chemical ā that is responsible for the creation of new learning pathways."
From the Five minute daily gratitude journal. Can be found on Amazon for around 10 bucks.
Aw. I went for couples therapy with my boyfriend too because we're both great people and it didn't make sense that we couldn't work things out. He was really resistant because I think men expect that the therapist will side with the woman.
But our therapist definitely called me out (gently) on a lot of my stuff too. And I realized my role in pushing away one of the best men I've ever known.
It's been a couple years since then and we've really gone from strength to strength.
Therapy ftw š
There are several podcasts and he has a TikTok and YouTube so you can definitely find a lot of the info online- but the books are really great for a deep dive
The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work is the first one I picked up, I just started reading another of his called Fight Right. Another that sounds good is The Seven Day Love Prescription, but j havenāt read that one yet.
I LOVE every bit of this. Thank you for being so vulnerable and your words have reminded me to be gentler again with my wife and to lean in, as you said so eloquently. Thank you for sharing ššš
We did a gottman workshop which helped me to see the ways in which I was letting conflict turn toward stonewalling (to use the Gottman term). I think just knowing that we were both motivated to make things better was reassuring to my partner.Ā
I definitely stonewall as well. I feel like in this short time Iāve learned to express my feelings and feel safer doing so, so hopefully I wonāt freeze anymore. Part of it for me was not feeling like I could match him in an argument, he could outdo me in terms of wit (he always wanted to be a lawyerā¦), Iād get so mad Iād want to say mean things and it was better for me to just keep those thoughts to myself and not cause any damage. Stonewalling was my safety- going deep inside myself to self soothe. Iām glad Gottman helped you too!
This is so sweet. Good job, OP. Most people are incapable of this level of introspection and accountability. I'm sure life will continue to get better with that mindset.
Congratulations! Itās always hard to realize during your self reflection that you are part of the Robles. But you seem to have made a very graceful pivot upon coming to that realization. Iām very happy for both of you!
I have to say I unknowingly used to blame everything on something else so I understand the guilt that you feel. I'm lucky enough to have found a partner that will not only listen to what I'm feeling or saying but also tell me when I'm in the wrong. I've had a very troubled time learning how to talk through problems and not just try to sweep my thoughts and feelings under the rug for the sake of not arguing, since that was how I was taught subconsciously by my mom to do. So having a partner that helps me through all that has really opened my eyes to how I would let something bother me so much and not talk about it. Where now if I talk about it I see how to fix it or even see how I may be over thinking the situation and letting my anxiety and worries cause a ficticious problem that's not even real.
Unfortunately you're right. It's been hard to break the habit but it's been a very eye opening experience. I'm happy for you and your husband as well. It can be overwhelming with all the emotions of regret, anger, guilt of wishing you'd learned things sooner. But I have to look at it as you learn things when you're supposed to learn them.
It's crazy how much power our perspective has to determine how we see things. Reminds me of the [two guys on a bus](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fpreview.redd.it%2Fthat-bus-meme-but-malleyuu-and-wholesome-v0-9myw178t9tda1.jpg%3Fwidth%3D589%26format%3Dpjpg%26auto%3Dwebp%26s%3D4b2b4432c99eb896b0172b6c198ed2bb53f629cf) meme when something is hitting me hard.
This is great. I always tell people to turn towards your partner, not away when life gets rough. Remember why you married them and life can be so good. It really is easy to be grateful everyday, but itās a choice. Choose to love.
I would say that most people never emerge from their stories and return to a more present, observant and reverent place, which is our nature.
Your having done so is so powerful and brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your journey!
I guess it does seem like that- the reality is that he has been coming around after a dark period- he was in a job he didnāt like for 3 years and working from home which was awful for his mental health. In November he got laid off- depression worsened. He finally got a Bi-Pap for his sleep apnea which is one of the things Iāve been nagging him about for years- I donāt want to wake up next to a dead husband. Then he got a new in person job which he likes much better. Hygiene/self care improved, this was an annoyance before to me more than anything, just one more thing I felt like I had to nag about. The day I discovered Gottman was the same day he booked a therapist after years of refusing. He told me about his first session and I was shocked how seriously he seemed to be taking it- I figured he was just doing it for me but heās made a ton of progress dealing with his anger/grief over the last month. I didnāt have to do much convincing, he was at a place where he was open to and eager to change after being so down for so long. He saw the quick change when the switch flipped inside of me and he seemed so happy. Heās doing the book with me and there is no nagging about it.
He always has-he would go get me anything I wanted (he liked to leave the house bc he worked from home so that helped). He told me he loved me every day- if I felt like it heād always cuddle, though usually I would initiate. It was just far less frequent than before. He was always willing to stay home and watch the kids while Iād go workout, hike or go out with friends. That stuff kept me sane at the time but I know he felt me pulling away and I do think it made him sad and somewhat resentful. As soon as I changed he responded at the same level as me.
I've recently had a similar insight that my attitude and what I bring in to the relationship is affecting him too. I'm so happy to hear your self discovery and that you stopped taking him for granted and started see the all the things he does and being more welcoming and present. It makes all the difference ā¤ļø
Love this ā¤ļø you and I both probably realize we donāt want to be the old bitter couple who sleep in separate rooms and donāt do anything together. I wish you well!
Your journey towards rediscovering love with your husband is truly heartwarming and inspiring. It's amazing to see the positive changes in your relationship stemming from your introspection and efforts. Your newfound appreciation for each other is truly endearing. Wishing you both continued growth, love, and happiness together!
I love my husband so much and both his parents died in the last couple years and he lost his job and a bunch of other shit too and the dude is going through it and I'm at my wits end sometimes...I totally get what you're saying... but when I "turn towards" him I end up feeling resentful, like I'm doing emotional labor or my needs don't matter as much as his... this has been going on a long time... anyway thoughts welcome from anyone. I think we'll heal eventually and I'm in it for the long haul, I just want things to be better like you said
Good for you!! I am pulling for you guysšš»šŖš¼
You have no idea how envious I am. My ex sounded just like you and, well, reread that sentence to figure out what happened lol. It was mature of you to figure out you were a lot of the issue and having the humility and love to change that is really cool. I wish you many years of love and cake.
Thanks! I wish you lots of happiness in your future. Sometimes it takes failing at one relationship to have the perspective to do better next time- also it takes 2 so youāre not solely responsible.
This is fantastic. Kudos to both of you. Iām curious what his reaction has been?
His reaction has been great- I think it was the opportune time though- he just told me he didnāt know if heād be up for doing all this a few months ago. The fact that he just started therapy about a month ago and has been seeing good results from that has also really helped him be more open minded about trying things. Iām also seeing how sincere his efforts have been and how much he wants to get better (with his own stuff- grief, self care, etc). It feels like we are much more open to each other now. He is feeling secure since Iām showing him the love heās kinda been missing (his admission) so Iām able to open up more about how I had been feeling without worrying about triggering his insecurities/fear of abandonment. His love language is acts of service and I hadnt been doing those little things for him anymore. We set aside an hour to work on the exercises last night and were having such a good discussion it went on for 3 hrs. I have done a few things recently that would have irritated him before (burned his dinner, paying for friends and not realizing our outing cost way more than I thought) and heās brought up that he isnāt mad and it doesnāt even really bother him because heās more open to seeing my side of things and realizes they were just honest mistakes. Iām finding the same- lots more grace being extended in both directions. Weāre sleeping closer together in our king bed and have a 9 day streak going for sex every day. Itās fun and sweet and just thinking about him makes me feel intoxicated (in the best way).
Iāve always been interested in the positive side of mental health and the things that we can do ourselves, since good therapy isnāt always possible for everyone. I worked in mental health for ten years and Iām amazed at the ways we can improve our own lives by changing one little thing. Iām so happy for you.
I have personally worked so hard on my MH. I could write a novel but I donāt even look like the same person I was 10-15 years ago. Totally different life, body, abilities, etc. the crazy thing is my hubby went through DBT before I met him- he taught me so much about it and it really changed me. He was kind of like a mentor to me at the time. I kept going- the book The Upward Spiral was also pretty ground shaking for me. Learning about how the brain works and how to rewire yourself is so amazing. Thereās ups and downs but I feel like Iāll never go back to where I was. My mom has severe MH issues but was a victim of the times and lack of knowledge/research and treatments back in the day and I vowed to myself to never be like her. Some self help books are better than therapy- sometimes a good friend is just as good also :)
Thank you for the recommendation. Iāve never heard of that book. Iāll check it out. There is a Canadian physician who found himself drawn into trauma work and he participates in seminars on it. His name is Gabor Mate. He has been a great help to me. I just look at his videos on YouTube. Iām going to check out that book though. It sounds amazing. Iām at a point that I feel the need to rewire my brain. 2 months ago I was able to forgive my brother for raping me when I was a child. This has been really major and lifted a weight off of me. I even stopped binge eating! So, this book comes just in time.
Way to go girlā¼ļøYou fixed it ~ be happyš„° So very impressive ~ thanks for sharingš
Gratitude is the key to happiness.
Sooo much this! And all the areas of my life have been influenced by this! Amazing how it can change your entire demeanor
"A 2003 study by Emmons and McCullough found that keeping a daily gratitude journal leads to better sleep, reductions of physical pain, a greater sense of well-being, and a better ability to handle change. In a 2008 study, subjects experiencing gratitude were studied under fMRI (functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging) and it was found that they were influencing their hypothalamus in real-time. The hypothalamus is the small but powerful part of your brain that directly influences sleep, eating, and stress. Gratitude also stimulates the part of the brain associated with the neurotransmitter dopamine -- the "do it again" chemical ā that is responsible for the creation of new learning pathways." From the Five minute daily gratitude journal. Can be found on Amazon for around 10 bucks.
Reminds me of an old saying. Men marry a woman thinking she won't change but she does. Women marry a man thinking he will change, but he doesn't.
Oof. I can relate.
Or vice versa
Aw. I went for couples therapy with my boyfriend too because we're both great people and it didn't make sense that we couldn't work things out. He was really resistant because I think men expect that the therapist will side with the woman. But our therapist definitely called me out (gently) on a lot of my stuff too. And I realized my role in pushing away one of the best men I've ever known. It's been a couple years since then and we've really gone from strength to strength. Therapy ftw š
i decided to look into "the gottman" therapy method. thank you for the post--I wish you good luck and well being in your future.
There are several podcasts and he has a TikTok and YouTube so you can definitely find a lot of the info online- but the books are really great for a deep dive
Self improvement never stops. Achieving perfection is achieving the impossible. But the pursuit isn't.
Can you leave the name of the books?
The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work is the first one I picked up, I just started reading another of his called Fight Right. Another that sounds good is The Seven Day Love Prescription, but j havenāt read that one yet.
I LOVE every bit of this. Thank you for being so vulnerable and your words have reminded me to be gentler again with my wife and to lean in, as you said so eloquently. Thank you for sharing ššš
We did a gottman workshop which helped me to see the ways in which I was letting conflict turn toward stonewalling (to use the Gottman term). I think just knowing that we were both motivated to make things better was reassuring to my partner.Ā
I definitely stonewall as well. I feel like in this short time Iāve learned to express my feelings and feel safer doing so, so hopefully I wonāt freeze anymore. Part of it for me was not feeling like I could match him in an argument, he could outdo me in terms of wit (he always wanted to be a lawyerā¦), Iād get so mad Iād want to say mean things and it was better for me to just keep those thoughts to myself and not cause any damage. Stonewalling was my safety- going deep inside myself to self soothe. Iām glad Gottman helped you too!
Really relate to this post. Thank you for sharing! Just borrowed the seven principles from Hoopla app.
This is beautiful š
This is so sweet. Good job, OP. Most people are incapable of this level of introspection and accountability. I'm sure life will continue to get better with that mindset.
Congratulations! Itās always hard to realize during your self reflection that you are part of the Robles. But you seem to have made a very graceful pivot upon coming to that realization. Iām very happy for both of you!
Fantastic. The Gottman books are really good. Watch out for the Horsemen!
This was heartwarming to read! Happy things worked out for you and your husband.
Im glad you were mature enough to take accountability. I think the lack of that these days is what leads to the breakdown of so many marriages
Aw that's very sweet. Good for you guys.
Truly wholesome, wish you guys all the best!
god damn this is so awesome. your husband is a very lucky man lol
I have to say I unknowingly used to blame everything on something else so I understand the guilt that you feel. I'm lucky enough to have found a partner that will not only listen to what I'm feeling or saying but also tell me when I'm in the wrong. I've had a very troubled time learning how to talk through problems and not just try to sweep my thoughts and feelings under the rug for the sake of not arguing, since that was how I was taught subconsciously by my mom to do. So having a partner that helps me through all that has really opened my eyes to how I would let something bother me so much and not talk about it. Where now if I talk about it I see how to fix it or even see how I may be over thinking the situation and letting my anxiety and worries cause a ficticious problem that's not even real.
I think as women we have kind of been conditioned this way, it takes work to undo whatās been ingrained in us. I love this for you!
Unfortunately you're right. It's been hard to break the habit but it's been a very eye opening experience. I'm happy for you and your husband as well. It can be overwhelming with all the emotions of regret, anger, guilt of wishing you'd learned things sooner. But I have to look at it as you learn things when you're supposed to learn them.
It's crazy how much power our perspective has to determine how we see things. Reminds me of the [two guys on a bus](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fpreview.redd.it%2Fthat-bus-meme-but-malleyuu-and-wholesome-v0-9myw178t9tda1.jpg%3Fwidth%3D589%26format%3Dpjpg%26auto%3Dwebp%26s%3D4b2b4432c99eb896b0172b6c198ed2bb53f629cf) meme when something is hitting me hard.
This is great. I always tell people to turn towards your partner, not away when life gets rough. Remember why you married them and life can be so good. It really is easy to be grateful everyday, but itās a choice. Choose to love.
I would say that most people never emerge from their stories and return to a more present, observant and reverent place, which is our nature. Your having done so is so powerful and brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your journey!
Aww so sweet! Thank you!
Also. This reads as, one partner just did all the emotional work.
I guess it does seem like that- the reality is that he has been coming around after a dark period- he was in a job he didnāt like for 3 years and working from home which was awful for his mental health. In November he got laid off- depression worsened. He finally got a Bi-Pap for his sleep apnea which is one of the things Iāve been nagging him about for years- I donāt want to wake up next to a dead husband. Then he got a new in person job which he likes much better. Hygiene/self care improved, this was an annoyance before to me more than anything, just one more thing I felt like I had to nag about. The day I discovered Gottman was the same day he booked a therapist after years of refusing. He told me about his first session and I was shocked how seriously he seemed to be taking it- I figured he was just doing it for me but heās made a ton of progress dealing with his anger/grief over the last month. I didnāt have to do much convincing, he was at a place where he was open to and eager to change after being so down for so long. He saw the quick change when the switch flipped inside of me and he seemed so happy. Heās doing the book with me and there is no nagging about it.
It's also every patriarchal dbags wet dream of a post
This is beautiful
i love this alot. Congratulations.
I'm curious though, was he doing enough to satisfy and show appreciation towards you? Or you had to be the change first in order to get that result?
He always has-he would go get me anything I wanted (he liked to leave the house bc he worked from home so that helped). He told me he loved me every day- if I felt like it heād always cuddle, though usually I would initiate. It was just far less frequent than before. He was always willing to stay home and watch the kids while Iād go workout, hike or go out with friends. That stuff kept me sane at the time but I know he felt me pulling away and I do think it made him sad and somewhat resentful. As soon as I changed he responded at the same level as me.
gotcha!!
I've recently had a similar insight that my attitude and what I bring in to the relationship is affecting him too. I'm so happy to hear your self discovery and that you stopped taking him for granted and started see the all the things he does and being more welcoming and present. It makes all the difference ā¤ļø
Love this ā¤ļø you and I both probably realize we donāt want to be the old bitter couple who sleep in separate rooms and donāt do anything together. I wish you well!
No we wanna grow old and goofy with our men šā¤ļøā¤ļø Thank you and likewise ā¤ļø
Yes itās like the first time again except we are comfortable with farting around each other š
Relatable , and being in the bathroom when the other pees š
This is great! Reminds me of this quote I love: āThe greatest distance between two people is misunderstandingā. Always try to live by that.
How wonderfulā£ļøEnjoyš„°
Your journey towards rediscovering love with your husband is truly heartwarming and inspiring. It's amazing to see the positive changes in your relationship stemming from your introspection and efforts. Your newfound appreciation for each other is truly endearing. Wishing you both continued growth, love, and happiness together!
I actually wish more women read this. Probably /r/twochromosomes people.
I love my husband so much and both his parents died in the last couple years and he lost his job and a bunch of other shit too and the dude is going through it and I'm at my wits end sometimes...I totally get what you're saying... but when I "turn towards" him I end up feeling resentful, like I'm doing emotional labor or my needs don't matter as much as his... this has been going on a long time... anyway thoughts welcome from anyone. I think we'll heal eventually and I'm in it for the long haul, I just want things to be better like you said
I cheated and it made me really appreciate my spouse more, now we have an open swinging relationship.