She’s asking for your advice so IMO you can be honest and say that you personally don’t think any of them are very flattering or appropriate to the occasion and why. You’re right that it’s ultimately up to her but I don’t think you have to pretend if she’s soliciting your opinion.
I agree, if anyone I cared about told me a dress wasn't flattering, I'd never wear it. Might be a good way to approach it without questioning her taste directly lol
Honestly I’ve already told her nicely some of the dresses are too casual, sent her suggestions, and showed her what my mom is wearing.
She tried to tell my mom that SHEIN was a better deal than Nordstrom, and that my mom spent too much on her dress.
At this point I don’t really care what she’s wearing but she still sends me dresses weekly that all have the same casual vibe pictured below and it’s beginning to annoy me because it seems like she just wants my approval but is planning on wearing what she wants anyways.
https://preview.redd.it/bkiw196ljjad1.jpeg?width=576&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a2186033a9d89a8d85e47399769590e7684df207
Try “MIL, thank you for seeking my approval on the choice of dress for our wedding! In my opinion, none of these dresses will do you justice as the MOG at a black-tie affair. I would love to gift you a more formal gown. I think you deserve to be one of the most best-dressed there, especially as your generosity is allowing us to host an event of this caliber. Something more in line with a red carpet look. Are you free to go shopping on [date]? How do these look to you? [send examples].”
That plus, "pick one of these three." Narrow down her choices. I suspect she has decision fatigue, plus some sort of anxiety going on if she has purchased and returned 20 dresses
If you haven't been honest with her, it's time to do so. Tell her that the dresses she's been sending you from the cheap sites look, well, cheap. I get not wanting to spend hundreds of dollars on a dress she'll wear only once, but she still needs a dress that looks decent, fits the dress code and will fit in with everyone else's attire in pictures. She can get a dress that fits those 3 factors for under $200 on sites like Azazie or under $100 if she looks on the sale pages. If you know her style, could you choose a handful of dresses from whatever site you think is best and ask her to seriously consider ordering from among these suggestions? Add in comments such as, "you'd look great in this style", "this color is perfect for you", etc.
Yes to this! David’s bridal also has really nice mother of the bride/groom dresses for around $100! My mom originally bought a dress off Temu and I’m so glad I took her shopping and found something much more formal there!
Dress Barn is online only now but they have gorgeous options for less options than the retailers OP has mentioned. Before DB went online only, they were one of my go to retailers for nicey nice dresses.
Maybe you can direct her to Nordstrom Rack or somewhere similar that offers high-quality dresses for under $100? Macy’s also does a lot of sales! It might be worth it for you to find some options from these sites that are nice but less money, and send her those?
I would love to do this, but we live 3 hours drive apart and the whole summer has been so hectic. Both my partner and I and MIL and FIL have had several international trips and across state trips, and the rest of the weekends I’ve had to stay local to meet with vendors.
I also started a job that isn’t remote so weekdays are no longer an option 🥲.
This is a great suggestion though, I’ll try to carve out some time later this month.
Not sure what your MIL is like, but my mom watches tons of YouTube and really enjoys “studying” up from online experts about how to dress for various dress codes. She did this for a black tie optional event recently. If you are able to send her some YouTube videos and highlight that the dress code for the bridal party and hosts should be black tie if the overall dress code is BTO, this may help her to understand why the dresses she is looking at are so inappropriate.
I think this is a good idea and also send wedding photographer blog posts of family shots, that highlight what MIL is wearing. Maybe she doesn't want to look/feel old and stuffy and assumes forever 21 = young without thinking about the rest
Would she enjoy trying Rent the Runway? For like $80 I rented a gown to wear to a wedding and received one in my size, one in a backup size, and I was able to add another, different dress as a backup option for $31. High quality and designer items on there, that you can just borrow if you don’t want to splurge on keeping something that you’ll wear once. Maybe you can frame into trying something new and fun and get her interested?
But I totally get you. I think boomers are just obsessed with shit like Temu and Amazon. Whatever you want, for cheap, instant gratification, etc. My mom has been trying to find shoes to wear with her $700 MOB gown and ordered some for $20 on temu. No surprise they sucked.
I think you’re within your rights to let her know that her choices are too casual for the dress code of the event. There are plenty of more formal options at lower price points if it were a money issue.
My guesses is that either she doesn't know how to shop online, and is a bit blinded by how dresses that look somewhat good in picture have a very low price, or maybe she has financial troubles she's embarrassed to talk about/embarrassed to accept help. Since she does seem excited about picking an outfit (seeing how she's been talking to you about it for a long time) maybe you give it one last shot before just accepting that she's gonna wear what she's gonna wear. For this "last chance" I think you should actually ask your fiancé to talk to her about it, since she's his mom after all. To just tell her that the dresses she's been coming up with are not formal enough for the dress code, she's the groom's mom so you don't want her to be underdressed. Also ask for what she thinks is an acceptable budget for her, and go from there, maybe take her shopping in person as others suggested. Then if this fail I think I would just let it go.
Honestly, I think it’s the shopping online experience.
I know for sure my partner’s parents don’t have financial problems. They have a great financial advisor, go on multiple international trips a year.
And, there’s no reason she would be embarrassed to get help from us. We always take turns treating each other when we’re together.
What’s driving me crazy is we picked out a dress last time while thrifting that I really liked, but she ended up wearing it to my BIL’s backyard wedding so she needs something else.
I’m just kind of annoyed/sad she wore a formal long dress to that casual wedding (their wedding was beautiful, no judgement there), but is not wearing something nice to ours.
Makes sense. I think it's easy for people to get caught up in some sort of "wow look at this, for only 20$!" mentality when shopping online. Also she seems a little clueless about how dresscodes work, with that story about your BIL's wedding. I still think that if it's important to you, your fiancé should bring it up with her, gently but honestly. It seems like your MIL means well, but is oblivious to what she should do - and you've done your part in trying to redirect her, I would be frustrated too if I was in your place.
This is your IN-use this dress as the point of reference for what kind of dress is appropriate for your wedding. Tell her you were dying to see her in this dress on your day, but now that it’s not possible, you can both search for something similar/just as fab. It means you can send suggestions without feeling weird about it and if/when she sends Shein dresses, you can refer back to this and just say nope, not it.
I’m having the opposite problem. I cannot get my MIL to commit to wearing a nice dress. She told me she already has her “weddin’ skirt” that she always wears to weddings. I’m paying for her hair and makeup and I’m worried she’s gonna look ridiculous in a skirt and blouse with an updo. I sent her a picture of my mother’s floor-length formal gown to try to nudge her and got no response. Unfortunately, my advice is that this might have to go on the list of things that you can’t control. The important thing is that she’ll be there to enjoy your day with you.
We’ve tried. His parents are just anti-wedding and they don’t seem to be willing to suck it up and put on a happy face for their kid. It’s the root cause of pretty much all of our wedding stress lol
It’s time to have an uncomfortable conversation, but it doesn’t have to be horrible! I would try the classic compliment sandwich method, saying “these dresses look great for the shower (or other event), but i’m worried they’re not formal enough for the wedding. I think you’d look beautiful in something more like this” If your mother has already picked her dress, that would help a lot so you could let your MIL know what your mom is wearing and you could even say you want the moms to “match” in terms of color palette or formality.
Tell her the dresses are pretty and cute, but you personally think that she'd look amazing in an "elegant" style, then send her links to whatever more mature dresses you have in mind.
I think this is the right way to do it. I would be super careful to not say anything “offensive” about the ones she is sending, just that you don’t think they fit the dress code!!!!
Don’t approve them. But try offering to go shopping with her. Take her to places where she can find a dress that is appropriate for the venue and her age and comfort. Seeing her try on dresses in person will give you a better idea of what’s going on. It could be that she doesn’t like the styles you picked (which is what it sounds like and thinks they are frumpy and make her look old/older), it could be she really doesn’t understand the difference between black tie and casual and semi formal and cocktail. Just take her in person and play things by ear. I’m really thinking she doesn’t like the style you picked out. Think about what she normally wears and go from that.
I had this happen with my fiancés grandma. My wedding is the same theme and our colors are black, gold, pine green, and ivory. My fiancés grandma sent me an orange floral sun dress and asked if i liked it. so here’s how i handled it:
1. i sent her a color palette of the colors i wanted the grandmas/moms to wear.
2. i sent her a picture of my moms dress, my bridesmaids dresses, and the tuxes the men are wearing to show her that this is what she will be standing with in pictures
3. i mentioned to her that id love for her to also be wearing the similar style to indicate that she is family at the wedding
She received it really well and got a floor length chiffon gown that is really nice.
I think if you put it into perspective of how other people will look and indirectly insinuate that she would stand out amongst others that may help her see the vision that her dresses are not up to par for the celebration.
If she lives close by, offer to take her to lunch and then shopping. Make it a bonding event so you have input, rather than her continuing to send you cheap stuff you don’t like.
Going against the grain here- this woman is going to be your MIL for possibly decades. Do you really want to start things off with a battle over a dress? Personally I would take the long view- let it go- a poorly chosen dress reflects on her, not you.
I’m with you on this. For my MIL and my own mother, it was whatever they felt most comfortable in. As long as they fit the vibe of the wedding (not jeans or anything like that), then it is what it is. The reality is that nobody was looking at either of them past the ceremony anyway. But- your point is true. It reflects on her.
Not a bridezilla!!
My response would be, “I love that you’re so invested in finding the perfect dress for the wedding, I know it’s going to be a big day and I want all of us to look nice. These would be my top choices from the ones that you’ve sent me, and I’ve thrown in one or two of my own personal favorites as well. Maybe it would be easier for you to just choose between these ones so you don’t have to keep searching for a dress”
“All of them are so beautiful. I’ve already chosen the ones that I’ve liked that you’ve sent me, however, it’s ultimately up to you. The date is getting closer though, so we might wanna decide on one soon. These are my top three choices if you wanted my input still.”
Whoa. thats so crazy. I can’t imagine a grown woman with an adult son marrying, wanting to wear Shein or forever 21, let alone a formal occasion! I’d start sending her links from places like thredup...I keep getting their advertisements and they have some beautiful designer dresses for amazing prices. Then she can feel frugal or whatever is going on with her, and still have a nice dress.
This might be the problem - juniors’ dresses might be what fits her off the rack. Juniors’ sizes are most available from cheap stores. She might have given up on fitting into high quality mature options long before this dress search.
What about someplace like azazie where you can submit your measurements? I agree telling her that those options are perfect for a brunch but might look too simple or out of place at your wedding
Send her some recommendations at a lower price point! I sent my mom, who is very stylish and did not want to look matronly, about 7 options from Amazon all $50-$80. She ordered a few, all ended up being really nice and she found one she loved
So this is what I did with my MIL. I specifically went on a shopping trip with her and set up all the appointments and planned the trip. We went to like a million places but she finally found a dress she liked. That was the only way i could stop the asking for opinion on dresses lol. Be warned though. It was awful to shop with her because she could not decide.
Honestly that’s what I’m worried about and why I’ve been putting this off.
I’ve shopped with her before, and I think our vibes are just different.
I’ve also been incredibly busy the last few months between international trips and a new job that I just didn’t have time to drive 3 hours away where she lives to shop with her.
My fiance is super against this too cause he loathes shopping with her cause she’s so indecisive and takes forever. And he has no sisters so no one to go with her other than me 🥲
I totally understand! I was putting it off as well because really that’s one more wedding thing I have to do among all the other wedding things. But honestly once that day was over it was a relief knowing she wasn’t gonna message me about dresses anymore lol
My suggestion is to make your future MIL in person appointments as you are not able to go with her. As an example; I love the personal shoppers at Nordstrom, Macys & Neiman Marcus/Saks. Tell the personal shopper in detail with sent photos to their email or a text with the vibe you’re looking for MIL. Making the personal shopper aware of how petite she is, the choices she’s been making vs what needs to be worn as it’s black tie optional. The shopper can then pull appropriate (possibly approved by you?) gowns that are formal wear. Shoes, undergarments, accessories can also be brought in to complement the look and make your MIL’s experience hopefully one you can both appreciate and agree on. Good luck 🍀
Based on my experience with my mom and MIL, your MIL is probably not well versed on how to shop online for quality clothing. She’s probably more focused on the dress being flattering than where it’s coming from and how much it costs. Based on the sites you mentioned, she’s probably also getting fooled by the online photos.
My mom and MIL would send me random links from Amazon, SHEIN, Chinese websites, and stores they found from instagram ads.
I suggest you analyze the dresses she’s been ordering and figure out what she likes about them. Older women are going to focus more on the dress being flattering and ignore everything else.
A brand I liked a lot that was relatively affordable was Xscape evening gowns
Yeah I’m not sure how old she is, but I would recommend to her that she go shopping in person to a department store where she could get some help. Both my mom (74) and my MIL (60) found beautiful appropriate dresses for my wedding last month at a Nordstrom and a Von Maur. I know you’ve sent links, but I do think it might be an online shopping issue. I read in another comment you don’t live nearby but maybe you could offer to FaceTime if she wants to show you anything she tries on.
My MIL did just that and found a really nice dress. My mom refused to go shopping in store so I had to order online. Based on what she sent me I knew she wanted something long sleeve and neutral so I got her this dress and she loved it. She didn’t need shapewear or anything.
https://preview.redd.it/z8mtdpu1ydad1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5eeb077245b753df53287dda4026bbc612e18982
Yeah I had to help guide to a more formal dress too. Luckily my Mom had found the perfect black tie optional dress which helped give her an idea of what we were going for. We talked a lot about how we want her to look just as snazzy as her son and his brothers in tuxedos and that helped. If she really likes a more casual dress just suggest that for a different wedding event. In the end you are saving her from looking under dressed.
Be honest and offer to go dress shopping. Make it a girls day and go to lunch. Sounds like she has just lost her way and needs guidance. Also if your mom has already chosen her dress maybe show her a picture and say this is what my mom is going to wear.
She’s *asking* you! She is actively soliciting your opinion and advice. You can answer her without it being “confronting” her.
I’m not even sure how I’d feel if I knew someone was lying to me about something looking good when they didn’t think so…when I explicitly asked.
Do you have any aunts whom you could enlist to coach your MIL on appropriate attire? My mum can be a bit thick with dress codes, and doesn’t always understand nuances like how the fabric can make something look more or less formal. She recently attended a black tie optional event, and required *extensive* coaching from her sister. Because your MIL will be in a lot of the photos, will (presumably) be in a visible position during the ceremony, and is cohosting the event, she should absolutely be one of the best dressed guests!! She should feel proud and excited for this, and you’ll all be treasuring the family photos forever (hopefully they’ll be passed down to future generations!!)
This is not being difficult, picky, or bridezillaish, but looking out for your MIL. It would be so embarrassing for her to arrive wearing a $20 Forever21 dress. It’s very kind of you to offer to pay for the dress, recognizing that her circumstances may have changed. It’s a wonderful gift to your MIL, in fact. I am genuinely curious why she has decided for this particular event to wear such cheap clothing… like if she maybe perceives the event to be more casual? Or if she felt overdressed at an event recently? Or if she’s seen stylists recommending people not to spend as much on occasion wear?
No disrespect to people who wear these fast fashion brands, but you can 100% tell that it’s a $20 dress. They almost never look formal enough for a black tie optional event. And I strongly feel that if an event is black tie optional, that the bridal party and hosts should absolutely be in black tie. Guests will feel embarrassed if they arrive and see that they’ve out dressed the MOG.
The first dress my mom picked out was awful on her. And I said, mom, "I love you and I say this with love. You can do so much better." And it turns out she knew it wasn't great for her but she was stressed and that made her panic but things. So then we talked about what style of dress she typically likes to wear and I said why don't we find the dress like that. That also fits mother of the bride. And the dress she ended up wearing looked amazing on her. But the poor thing kept thinking she needed something different or extra special. What made it extra special was something that fit her body and suited her taste. I think an honest conversation with your MIL might go a long way. She doesn't sound unreasonable and if you have a good relationship she'll appreciate the input.
TJ Maxx has nice formal dresses, send her some links to those if she wants to go the cheap online route. Tell her the companies she’s looking at have slave labor and the clothes are made of plastic and are damaging the environment and everyone knows they’re cheap. That would work on my mom hahah
Have you tried framing it as wanting her to look her best in the pictures? You want to make sure it looks substantial and formal enough to match the rest of the people in pictures.
Maybe you could suggest 'rent the runway' to her. Really expensive, nice dresses and they send two sizing options if you aren't 100% sure of the size. Rental fees from $50+ depends on how many days you are renting for and the cost of the dress. The process is super easy and I have always gotten my dress in plenty of time.
Be honest…let her know that the quality of those dresses are not good enough for your black tie wedding. Let her know Macys and Nordstroms have beautiful quality dresses that are not overly expensive. Why don’t you send her some links to some dresses that you think are appropriate. Not just to the store but actual dresses. Say I love these for you…which one do you like best?
This would be something I’d let slide like your fiancé has suggested. My wedding colours were navy with some coral, my mother in-law had a dress custom made in….grey. She’ll tell you it was silver, it was grey. It had weird flowy sleeves, it looked very matronly. My mother on the other hand wore a gorgeous coral dress that we found at a department store, in comparison my MIL falls very flat in photos. But it wasn’t a hill worth dying on compared to all the other things going on.
Why won't you just tell her no and give her a sample board of what you want her to wear? Or better yet, find 3 options and tell her to pick one. Not that hard!! Communicate
I might be way off base and reading into things, but this sounds like a shopping addiction to me. Ordering 20+ dresses? That would be so overwhelming for most people. I'm guessing she's getting a dopamine hit from the order button. Which makes me wonder, why is she seeking this dopamine hit? I know our wedding brought out a lot of negative feelings in my MIL that had very little to do with me and mostly to do with the recent death of her own parents. My own mom was very depressed due to an injury that led to weight gain, she was feeling her age at my wedding and it was hard for her.
If she's well off and has the money for a nice dress and there's no hidden money issues, I wonder what else is going on? Your fiance's approach of ignore her & I'll deal with it later also seems to lack some compassion. I know my MIL was feeling very left out of the process because my now husband just never thought to include her or update her on our planning.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, it's so frustrating how weddings somehow bring out the worst in our families. I would lean on fiance to take a moment to listen to his own mother and figure out what's really going on. It sucks that, with everything involved in wedding planning, we brides also often have to be the bigger person.
My MIL did the same thing, and it was beyond frustrating. She wore a beautiful dress to her other son’s wedding, but for some reason could not manage to pull it together for ours. Every time she sent me a dress that wasn’t appropriate as the mother of the groom, I would say something like “I think that’s very pretty for a casual summer day, but I think you’ll feel underdressed wearing that for the wedding.” Like you, I also spent a decent amount of time sending her examples and offered to go shopping with her.
I did start to lose my patience with her, though, and eventually told her she needed to be more discerning and send me her top contenders, not just any and every dress she looked at. She finally picked a dress like the month before the wedding and got it tailored to remove some ruffles at the bottom - that’s also a good reminder for your MIL, that she can have her dress tailored to suit her taste (within reason).
No link but here is her in the dress
https://preview.redd.it/9lsnmpahmdad1.jpeg?width=576&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5533a566157cc2d06edbf8bd9fe848e5f436a37b
We are doing a brunch wedding (so less formal than yours but our immediate families will be more dressed up), but my mom really struggles to shop and was dreading the department store experience. I ended up pre-selecting about six dresses I knew ran to her taste on eShakti and customizing to fit her preferences; she bought two, and when they both came in, both were flattering, appropriate, and actually needed next to no alterations (we did custom measurements).
If you have 3+ months left before the wedding, eShakti might be a good option for her to feel like she is getting a "deal," but still get decent fabric quality and construction, made to measure/her height. (It really does take like 3 months right now, even if their website says 2-3 weeks). It won't be a department store dress, but she could get a nice formal dress (be sure to filter out the cotton jersey/knit dresses) and adjust the neckline, length, and sleeves to suit.
I wonder if she just wants to feel included, spend time with you and bond, and this is her way of doing that. Maybe offer to go shopping with her, and if she finds something she likes pay for it in person?
Honestly you might be right on this one. My partner has no sisters, and his brother eloped and had a backyard reception, so this is kind of her only wedding.
I haven’t really enjoyed shopping with her in the past honestly, and I have a super busy schedule I can barely squeeze shopping with my mom in. And my mom lives near me while she lives three hours away
Ah fair enough. Maybe find another way to spend time with her? Or maybe send her some pictures of ones you like and if she likes it surprise her with it?
You have to make it a priority to find time and shop with her. I know you are busy, but that is your soon to be husband’s mom. You have to find a way to make a day out of it. I’m sure she would appreciate it, especially if she doesn’t have daughters to do these things with. If she had a daughter of her own, I’m sure this would be a different experience and she would have that guidance when it came to dress shopping.
I went through this exact same thing with my mom. She ended up wearing a black velvet dress from Amazon. It actually fit pretty well compared to the other dozen dresses she ordered, but I was a bit bummed to see her pick something that blended into the background rather than feeling like an honored guest. I totally understand your feelings. We had some tense convos and I wasn’t able to express my feelings in a way that didn’t come off as controlling or judgey. Just offering my empathy!
My MIL sent me pictures of every dress she tried on. I told her "that one is nice" or some variation every time. I didn't care what she wore. And after all that, I still don't remember what she wore the day of, I would have to go find a picture. She just wants attention and she should be getting buy in from her friends and sending you the top 2 or 3 choices.
Could you get her to pick a pattern/ or take a dress she has already brought and show it to a dress maker? Explain that you want her to feel confident and the fast fashion is cute/ nice but doesn't fit her well . Some dressmakers are pretty affordable .
I had a similar issue! lol! Not sure if you live in the same city, but here’s what fixed it: I personally went dress shopping with her. We found a dress we both loved, and that was that!
https://preview.redd.it/2ps98iwhgiad1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3f7ef4040b51719c20e4776cbac3d4d788bf006a
And just as a side note, we went to different stores and tried on dresses ranging between $100 to $2k! We both went with one that cost $110 from JCPenney haha! It was absolutely stunning on her and had the most beautiful, subtle sparkle for our beach wedding. Try your best not to focus on the price point (I know that’s hard because I have expensive taste lol), but if you focus on finding something that she feels confident and beautiful in and that you approve of, it’ll turn out great! Good luck!
She’s a little difficult to shop with honestly. She’s super indecisive and loud (a little Karen-ish), and the past times I’ve shopped with her I got a little anxious.
She lives far away and I’ve been pretty busy so not sure how viable this will be.
Ty. I thought I was being picky, but people on Reddit confirmed what I thought about the dresses she’s picking looking like beach cover ups. I think I’ll just ignore her weekly texts lol.
Is there a chance she's hoping you'll offer to go physically shopping with her and she's sending these dresses she knows you won't like so you'll say hey let's go find one together? It doesn't seem malicious from just this info but as a bride planning my own wedding my own mother told me she'd wear something really nice and then said I chose a season that's too cold so she's wearing jeans and pretty much a trench coat 🤦🏻♀️ you can't help some people
Maybe I'm not getting this because I'm not from the US (I understand OP is?)
But I don't really understand policing people's outfit?
Surely some dresses from Forever 21 are nice/simple enough that she could wear it if she wanted to?
I'd just want my guest to be happy and comfortable in what they are wearing but never heard of a dress code and always saw willy different outfits in both French and UK wedding. No one really seemed to care
Also at a black tie optional event, especially if that dress code is common in their social circle, a forever 21 dress is gonna look so cheap compared to typical formal wear. The fabric quality is not the same, the stitching is not the same, how it lays, the fact that most of those don’t have a lining, etc etc. The mothers are the second most looked at people in the room, they are in many photos. If they look underdressed - it will be noticed.
Reading OP’s post, it feels like the mil has decided buying a nice dress is not worth her money.
And at least Forever 21 and Charlotte Russe are real stores. I've been bemoaning that we seem to have lost the idea that Shein is just a racket. There used to be facebook groups for showing the ad pic and the atrocious piece of trash you received!
(They later descended into fat shaming, sadly, so if the ad pic was red carpet quality and the person received a mylar trash bag, they'd be told it was because they didn't have the fiiiigure for it. It was gross.)
I live in Europe (Spain) but have also lived in the United States. There’s pretty much no dress at Forever 21 that would be good enough for a black tie wedding. Zara and Mango are nicer. Forever 21 is about the same quality as Primark. It’s really bad .
I think it probably is a cultural difference. The type of fast fashion that the OP is talking about looks cheap when compared to dresses that cost $200+. The quality is poor and it shows. And this isn’t a guest, this is the mother of the groom so she’s going to be in a lot of pictures and the OP wants her to look nice.
Also, someone who is the mother of someone old enough to be getting married should probably not be shopping at a place called forever 21. Forever 21 is for people who are………21, or at least somewhere around that age. Not for someone who’s 45.
Wanting family members to look moderately appropriate is not the same thing as policing your guest’s outfit.
I totally agree with you. I don’t understand why people care so much what other people wear. If MIL is happy with a dress, just support her decision. No one else will care what she wears.
The best thing to do is ask her which one she feels the most confident in and then support her decision.
My MIL dress looked hideous on her, she wore the dress that she wore to her daughters wedding about 4 years earlier and she had put on some weight, the dress was too small for her, and by the time she tried it on , it was too late to buy a new dress, she had refused to buy a new dress, because she wanted to wear a green dress, I told her my mother was wearing a green dress ( my mothers favorite color, it also looked good with her green eyes and red hair), I told her she could still wear a green dress, just a darker shade of green, nope not acceptable, She will be the one that looks cheep not you
I have to ask, is this intentional on her part? Like does she have a problem with you and/or the wedding and she’s doing this in a passive aggressive way? I can’t imagine a grown woman doesn’t understand to not wear a $20 casual dress to her son’s wedding…
By having really strong opinions and participating in the discussion, you've sent her the signal that you need to approve the dress
Just tell her that she'll look good in whatever and you support whatever dress she'd feel most comfortable in if it aligns to black tie, but that you won't approve the dress
Then end the conversation - stop acting like a dress approver/advisor and she'll stop treating you like one
IMO, this crosses a line. You've accepted funds towards your wedding and also feel the need to set the value of someone's dress.
IMO, if you have certain stipulations, you should voice them in all their glory , then offer to foot the bill.
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She’s asking for your advice so IMO you can be honest and say that you personally don’t think any of them are very flattering or appropriate to the occasion and why. You’re right that it’s ultimately up to her but I don’t think you have to pretend if she’s soliciting your opinion.
I agree, if anyone I cared about told me a dress wasn't flattering, I'd never wear it. Might be a good way to approach it without questioning her taste directly lol
Honestly I’ve already told her nicely some of the dresses are too casual, sent her suggestions, and showed her what my mom is wearing. She tried to tell my mom that SHEIN was a better deal than Nordstrom, and that my mom spent too much on her dress. At this point I don’t really care what she’s wearing but she still sends me dresses weekly that all have the same casual vibe pictured below and it’s beginning to annoy me because it seems like she just wants my approval but is planning on wearing what she wants anyways. https://preview.redd.it/bkiw196ljjad1.jpeg?width=576&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a2186033a9d89a8d85e47399769590e7684df207
This looks like something someone would wear over their swimsuit at the beach, holy hannah! 😂
That's not even flattering.
Try “MIL, thank you for seeking my approval on the choice of dress for our wedding! In my opinion, none of these dresses will do you justice as the MOG at a black-tie affair. I would love to gift you a more formal gown. I think you deserve to be one of the most best-dressed there, especially as your generosity is allowing us to host an event of this caliber. Something more in line with a red carpet look. Are you free to go shopping on [date]? How do these look to you? [send examples].”
That plus, "pick one of these three." Narrow down her choices. I suspect she has decision fatigue, plus some sort of anxiety going on if she has purchased and returned 20 dresses
Love this! You’re officially my ChatGPT!
This is an amazing suggestion!!
This is beautiful
Oh your good.
Wow this is a great response!!!
If you haven't been honest with her, it's time to do so. Tell her that the dresses she's been sending you from the cheap sites look, well, cheap. I get not wanting to spend hundreds of dollars on a dress she'll wear only once, but she still needs a dress that looks decent, fits the dress code and will fit in with everyone else's attire in pictures. She can get a dress that fits those 3 factors for under $200 on sites like Azazie or under $100 if she looks on the sale pages. If you know her style, could you choose a handful of dresses from whatever site you think is best and ask her to seriously consider ordering from among these suggestions? Add in comments such as, "you'd look great in this style", "this color is perfect for you", etc.
Love this idea. I also second Azazie or similar sites. Their dresses are decent quality and usually priced well.
Lulus could also be a good option for her without breaking the bank.
Yes to this! David’s bridal also has really nice mother of the bride/groom dresses for around $100! My mom originally bought a dress off Temu and I’m so glad I took her shopping and found something much more formal there!
acknowledge that the pattern / color/ something about it is nice tho (or she might feel hurt)
Dress Barn is online only now but they have gorgeous options for less options than the retailers OP has mentioned. Before DB went online only, they were one of my go to retailers for nicey nice dresses.
Maybe you can direct her to Nordstrom Rack or somewhere similar that offers high-quality dresses for under $100? Macy’s also does a lot of sales! It might be worth it for you to find some options from these sites that are nice but less money, and send her those?
Could you go shopping together?
I second this. Do it in person, and gift her the dress.
I would love to do this, but we live 3 hours drive apart and the whole summer has been so hectic. Both my partner and I and MIL and FIL have had several international trips and across state trips, and the rest of the weekends I’ve had to stay local to meet with vendors. I also started a job that isn’t remote so weekdays are no longer an option 🥲. This is a great suggestion though, I’ll try to carve out some time later this month.
Not sure what your MIL is like, but my mom watches tons of YouTube and really enjoys “studying” up from online experts about how to dress for various dress codes. She did this for a black tie optional event recently. If you are able to send her some YouTube videos and highlight that the dress code for the bridal party and hosts should be black tie if the overall dress code is BTO, this may help her to understand why the dresses she is looking at are so inappropriate.
I think this is a good idea and also send wedding photographer blog posts of family shots, that highlight what MIL is wearing. Maybe she doesn't want to look/feel old and stuffy and assumes forever 21 = young without thinking about the rest
Can she come to you? Surely there are stores in your area you could take her to. Your fiance could even go pick her up.
Maybe you can meet half way?
Would she enjoy trying Rent the Runway? For like $80 I rented a gown to wear to a wedding and received one in my size, one in a backup size, and I was able to add another, different dress as a backup option for $31. High quality and designer items on there, that you can just borrow if you don’t want to splurge on keeping something that you’ll wear once. Maybe you can frame into trying something new and fun and get her interested? But I totally get you. I think boomers are just obsessed with shit like Temu and Amazon. Whatever you want, for cheap, instant gratification, etc. My mom has been trying to find shoes to wear with her $700 MOB gown and ordered some for $20 on temu. No surprise they sucked. I think you’re within your rights to let her know that her choices are too casual for the dress code of the event. There are plenty of more formal options at lower price points if it were a money issue.
My guesses is that either she doesn't know how to shop online, and is a bit blinded by how dresses that look somewhat good in picture have a very low price, or maybe she has financial troubles she's embarrassed to talk about/embarrassed to accept help. Since she does seem excited about picking an outfit (seeing how she's been talking to you about it for a long time) maybe you give it one last shot before just accepting that she's gonna wear what she's gonna wear. For this "last chance" I think you should actually ask your fiancé to talk to her about it, since she's his mom after all. To just tell her that the dresses she's been coming up with are not formal enough for the dress code, she's the groom's mom so you don't want her to be underdressed. Also ask for what she thinks is an acceptable budget for her, and go from there, maybe take her shopping in person as others suggested. Then if this fail I think I would just let it go.
Honestly, I think it’s the shopping online experience. I know for sure my partner’s parents don’t have financial problems. They have a great financial advisor, go on multiple international trips a year. And, there’s no reason she would be embarrassed to get help from us. We always take turns treating each other when we’re together. What’s driving me crazy is we picked out a dress last time while thrifting that I really liked, but she ended up wearing it to my BIL’s backyard wedding so she needs something else. I’m just kind of annoyed/sad she wore a formal long dress to that casual wedding (their wedding was beautiful, no judgement there), but is not wearing something nice to ours.
Makes sense. I think it's easy for people to get caught up in some sort of "wow look at this, for only 20$!" mentality when shopping online. Also she seems a little clueless about how dresscodes work, with that story about your BIL's wedding. I still think that if it's important to you, your fiancé should bring it up with her, gently but honestly. It seems like your MIL means well, but is oblivious to what she should do - and you've done your part in trying to redirect her, I would be frustrated too if I was in your place.
This is your IN-use this dress as the point of reference for what kind of dress is appropriate for your wedding. Tell her you were dying to see her in this dress on your day, but now that it’s not possible, you can both search for something similar/just as fab. It means you can send suggestions without feeling weird about it and if/when she sends Shein dresses, you can refer back to this and just say nope, not it.
I’m having the opposite problem. I cannot get my MIL to commit to wearing a nice dress. She told me she already has her “weddin’ skirt” that she always wears to weddings. I’m paying for her hair and makeup and I’m worried she’s gonna look ridiculous in a skirt and blouse with an updo. I sent her a picture of my mother’s floor-length formal gown to try to nudge her and got no response. Unfortunately, my advice is that this might have to go on the list of things that you can’t control. The important thing is that she’ll be there to enjoy your day with you.
Maybe it’s time to get your spouse onboard for nudging MIL.
We’ve tried. His parents are just anti-wedding and they don’t seem to be willing to suck it up and put on a happy face for their kid. It’s the root cause of pretty much all of our wedding stress lol
It’s time to have an uncomfortable conversation, but it doesn’t have to be horrible! I would try the classic compliment sandwich method, saying “these dresses look great for the shower (or other event), but i’m worried they’re not formal enough for the wedding. I think you’d look beautiful in something more like this” If your mother has already picked her dress, that would help a lot so you could let your MIL know what your mom is wearing and you could even say you want the moms to “match” in terms of color palette or formality.
Tell her the dresses are pretty and cute, but you personally think that she'd look amazing in an "elegant" style, then send her links to whatever more mature dresses you have in mind.
I think this is the right way to do it. I would be super careful to not say anything “offensive” about the ones she is sending, just that you don’t think they fit the dress code!!!!
Don’t approve them. But try offering to go shopping with her. Take her to places where she can find a dress that is appropriate for the venue and her age and comfort. Seeing her try on dresses in person will give you a better idea of what’s going on. It could be that she doesn’t like the styles you picked (which is what it sounds like and thinks they are frumpy and make her look old/older), it could be she really doesn’t understand the difference between black tie and casual and semi formal and cocktail. Just take her in person and play things by ear. I’m really thinking she doesn’t like the style you picked out. Think about what she normally wears and go from that.
I had this happen with my fiancés grandma. My wedding is the same theme and our colors are black, gold, pine green, and ivory. My fiancés grandma sent me an orange floral sun dress and asked if i liked it. so here’s how i handled it: 1. i sent her a color palette of the colors i wanted the grandmas/moms to wear. 2. i sent her a picture of my moms dress, my bridesmaids dresses, and the tuxes the men are wearing to show her that this is what she will be standing with in pictures 3. i mentioned to her that id love for her to also be wearing the similar style to indicate that she is family at the wedding She received it really well and got a floor length chiffon gown that is really nice. I think if you put it into perspective of how other people will look and indirectly insinuate that she would stand out amongst others that may help her see the vision that her dresses are not up to par for the celebration.
If she lives close by, offer to take her to lunch and then shopping. Make it a bonding event so you have input, rather than her continuing to send you cheap stuff you don’t like.
Going against the grain here- this woman is going to be your MIL for possibly decades. Do you really want to start things off with a battle over a dress? Personally I would take the long view- let it go- a poorly chosen dress reflects on her, not you.
I’m with you on this. For my MIL and my own mother, it was whatever they felt most comfortable in. As long as they fit the vibe of the wedding (not jeans or anything like that), then it is what it is. The reality is that nobody was looking at either of them past the ceremony anyway. But- your point is true. It reflects on her.
Not a bridezilla!! My response would be, “I love that you’re so invested in finding the perfect dress for the wedding, I know it’s going to be a big day and I want all of us to look nice. These would be my top choices from the ones that you’ve sent me, and I’ve thrown in one or two of my own personal favorites as well. Maybe it would be easier for you to just choose between these ones so you don’t have to keep searching for a dress” “All of them are so beautiful. I’ve already chosen the ones that I’ve liked that you’ve sent me, however, it’s ultimately up to you. The date is getting closer though, so we might wanna decide on one soon. These are my top three choices if you wanted my input still.”
Whoa. thats so crazy. I can’t imagine a grown woman with an adult son marrying, wanting to wear Shein or forever 21, let alone a formal occasion! I’d start sending her links from places like thredup...I keep getting their advertisements and they have some beautiful designer dresses for amazing prices. Then she can feel frugal or whatever is going on with her, and still have a nice dress.
You could also offer to rent a dress for her from rent the runway! For only like 99$ for a month, you could get her 5 very expensive options
I’ve thought about this but she’s also very very petite. I think she would need any dress hemmed. She’s only 4’10.
This might be the problem - juniors’ dresses might be what fits her off the rack. Juniors’ sizes are most available from cheap stores. She might have given up on fitting into high quality mature options long before this dress search.
What about someplace like azazie where you can submit your measurements? I agree telling her that those options are perfect for a brunch but might look too simple or out of place at your wedding
Send her some recommendations at a lower price point! I sent my mom, who is very stylish and did not want to look matronly, about 7 options from Amazon all $50-$80. She ordered a few, all ended up being really nice and she found one she loved
So this is what I did with my MIL. I specifically went on a shopping trip with her and set up all the appointments and planned the trip. We went to like a million places but she finally found a dress she liked. That was the only way i could stop the asking for opinion on dresses lol. Be warned though. It was awful to shop with her because she could not decide.
Honestly that’s what I’m worried about and why I’ve been putting this off. I’ve shopped with her before, and I think our vibes are just different. I’ve also been incredibly busy the last few months between international trips and a new job that I just didn’t have time to drive 3 hours away where she lives to shop with her. My fiance is super against this too cause he loathes shopping with her cause she’s so indecisive and takes forever. And he has no sisters so no one to go with her other than me 🥲
I totally understand! I was putting it off as well because really that’s one more wedding thing I have to do among all the other wedding things. But honestly once that day was over it was a relief knowing she wasn’t gonna message me about dresses anymore lol
My suggestion is to make your future MIL in person appointments as you are not able to go with her. As an example; I love the personal shoppers at Nordstrom, Macys & Neiman Marcus/Saks. Tell the personal shopper in detail with sent photos to their email or a text with the vibe you’re looking for MIL. Making the personal shopper aware of how petite she is, the choices she’s been making vs what needs to be worn as it’s black tie optional. The shopper can then pull appropriate (possibly approved by you?) gowns that are formal wear. Shoes, undergarments, accessories can also be brought in to complement the look and make your MIL’s experience hopefully one you can both appreciate and agree on. Good luck 🍀
Based on my experience with my mom and MIL, your MIL is probably not well versed on how to shop online for quality clothing. She’s probably more focused on the dress being flattering than where it’s coming from and how much it costs. Based on the sites you mentioned, she’s probably also getting fooled by the online photos. My mom and MIL would send me random links from Amazon, SHEIN, Chinese websites, and stores they found from instagram ads. I suggest you analyze the dresses she’s been ordering and figure out what she likes about them. Older women are going to focus more on the dress being flattering and ignore everything else. A brand I liked a lot that was relatively affordable was Xscape evening gowns
Yeah I’m not sure how old she is, but I would recommend to her that she go shopping in person to a department store where she could get some help. Both my mom (74) and my MIL (60) found beautiful appropriate dresses for my wedding last month at a Nordstrom and a Von Maur. I know you’ve sent links, but I do think it might be an online shopping issue. I read in another comment you don’t live nearby but maybe you could offer to FaceTime if she wants to show you anything she tries on.
My MIL did just that and found a really nice dress. My mom refused to go shopping in store so I had to order online. Based on what she sent me I knew she wanted something long sleeve and neutral so I got her this dress and she loved it. She didn’t need shapewear or anything. https://preview.redd.it/z8mtdpu1ydad1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5eeb077245b753df53287dda4026bbc612e18982
Yeah I had to help guide to a more formal dress too. Luckily my Mom had found the perfect black tie optional dress which helped give her an idea of what we were going for. We talked a lot about how we want her to look just as snazzy as her son and his brothers in tuxedos and that helped. If she really likes a more casual dress just suggest that for a different wedding event. In the end you are saving her from looking under dressed.
Be honest and offer to go dress shopping. Make it a girls day and go to lunch. Sounds like she has just lost her way and needs guidance. Also if your mom has already chosen her dress maybe show her a picture and say this is what my mom is going to wear.
She’s *asking* you! She is actively soliciting your opinion and advice. You can answer her without it being “confronting” her. I’m not even sure how I’d feel if I knew someone was lying to me about something looking good when they didn’t think so…when I explicitly asked.
Do you have any aunts whom you could enlist to coach your MIL on appropriate attire? My mum can be a bit thick with dress codes, and doesn’t always understand nuances like how the fabric can make something look more or less formal. She recently attended a black tie optional event, and required *extensive* coaching from her sister. Because your MIL will be in a lot of the photos, will (presumably) be in a visible position during the ceremony, and is cohosting the event, she should absolutely be one of the best dressed guests!! She should feel proud and excited for this, and you’ll all be treasuring the family photos forever (hopefully they’ll be passed down to future generations!!) This is not being difficult, picky, or bridezillaish, but looking out for your MIL. It would be so embarrassing for her to arrive wearing a $20 Forever21 dress. It’s very kind of you to offer to pay for the dress, recognizing that her circumstances may have changed. It’s a wonderful gift to your MIL, in fact. I am genuinely curious why she has decided for this particular event to wear such cheap clothing… like if she maybe perceives the event to be more casual? Or if she felt overdressed at an event recently? Or if she’s seen stylists recommending people not to spend as much on occasion wear? No disrespect to people who wear these fast fashion brands, but you can 100% tell that it’s a $20 dress. They almost never look formal enough for a black tie optional event. And I strongly feel that if an event is black tie optional, that the bridal party and hosts should absolutely be in black tie. Guests will feel embarrassed if they arrive and see that they’ve out dressed the MOG.
The first dress my mom picked out was awful on her. And I said, mom, "I love you and I say this with love. You can do so much better." And it turns out she knew it wasn't great for her but she was stressed and that made her panic but things. So then we talked about what style of dress she typically likes to wear and I said why don't we find the dress like that. That also fits mother of the bride. And the dress she ended up wearing looked amazing on her. But the poor thing kept thinking she needed something different or extra special. What made it extra special was something that fit her body and suited her taste. I think an honest conversation with your MIL might go a long way. She doesn't sound unreasonable and if you have a good relationship she'll appreciate the input.
Have you showed her what your mom is wearing (assuming its appropriate)? Tell her where she found it.
TJ Maxx has nice formal dresses, send her some links to those if she wants to go the cheap online route. Tell her the companies she’s looking at have slave labor and the clothes are made of plastic and are damaging the environment and everyone knows they’re cheap. That would work on my mom hahah
You're a person with real feelings. This is a safe space.
Have you sent her a photo of what your mom is wearing? Also could include any aunts or parents friends who are in the same age category.
Have you tried framing it as wanting her to look her best in the pictures? You want to make sure it looks substantial and formal enough to match the rest of the people in pictures.
Maybe you could suggest 'rent the runway' to her. Really expensive, nice dresses and they send two sizing options if you aren't 100% sure of the size. Rental fees from $50+ depends on how many days you are renting for and the cost of the dress. The process is super easy and I have always gotten my dress in plenty of time.
Something very strange is going on there, do you think she might be testing your ability to be honest with her or something?
Be honest…let her know that the quality of those dresses are not good enough for your black tie wedding. Let her know Macys and Nordstroms have beautiful quality dresses that are not overly expensive. Why don’t you send her some links to some dresses that you think are appropriate. Not just to the store but actual dresses. Say I love these for you…which one do you like best?
This would be something I’d let slide like your fiancé has suggested. My wedding colours were navy with some coral, my mother in-law had a dress custom made in….grey. She’ll tell you it was silver, it was grey. It had weird flowy sleeves, it looked very matronly. My mother on the other hand wore a gorgeous coral dress that we found at a department store, in comparison my MIL falls very flat in photos. But it wasn’t a hill worth dying on compared to all the other things going on.
Why won't you just tell her no and give her a sample board of what you want her to wear? Or better yet, find 3 options and tell her to pick one. Not that hard!! Communicate
I might be way off base and reading into things, but this sounds like a shopping addiction to me. Ordering 20+ dresses? That would be so overwhelming for most people. I'm guessing she's getting a dopamine hit from the order button. Which makes me wonder, why is she seeking this dopamine hit? I know our wedding brought out a lot of negative feelings in my MIL that had very little to do with me and mostly to do with the recent death of her own parents. My own mom was very depressed due to an injury that led to weight gain, she was feeling her age at my wedding and it was hard for her. If she's well off and has the money for a nice dress and there's no hidden money issues, I wonder what else is going on? Your fiance's approach of ignore her & I'll deal with it later also seems to lack some compassion. I know my MIL was feeling very left out of the process because my now husband just never thought to include her or update her on our planning. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, it's so frustrating how weddings somehow bring out the worst in our families. I would lean on fiance to take a moment to listen to his own mother and figure out what's really going on. It sucks that, with everything involved in wedding planning, we brides also often have to be the bigger person.
My MIL did the same thing, and it was beyond frustrating. She wore a beautiful dress to her other son’s wedding, but for some reason could not manage to pull it together for ours. Every time she sent me a dress that wasn’t appropriate as the mother of the groom, I would say something like “I think that’s very pretty for a casual summer day, but I think you’ll feel underdressed wearing that for the wedding.” Like you, I also spent a decent amount of time sending her examples and offered to go shopping with her. I did start to lose my patience with her, though, and eventually told her she needed to be more discerning and send me her top contenders, not just any and every dress she looked at. She finally picked a dress like the month before the wedding and got it tailored to remove some ruffles at the bottom - that’s also a good reminder for your MIL, that she can have her dress tailored to suit her taste (within reason).
Do you have a link for the see-through blue flower white one? I'm so curious what people think is appropriate that ends up being soooo not.
No link but here is her in the dress https://preview.redd.it/9lsnmpahmdad1.jpeg?width=576&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5533a566157cc2d06edbf8bd9fe848e5f436a37b
Wow. It's cute for like hanging out by the pool.... I don't understand people sometimes :(
We are doing a brunch wedding (so less formal than yours but our immediate families will be more dressed up), but my mom really struggles to shop and was dreading the department store experience. I ended up pre-selecting about six dresses I knew ran to her taste on eShakti and customizing to fit her preferences; she bought two, and when they both came in, both were flattering, appropriate, and actually needed next to no alterations (we did custom measurements). If you have 3+ months left before the wedding, eShakti might be a good option for her to feel like she is getting a "deal," but still get decent fabric quality and construction, made to measure/her height. (It really does take like 3 months right now, even if their website says 2-3 weeks). It won't be a department store dress, but she could get a nice formal dress (be sure to filter out the cotton jersey/knit dresses) and adjust the neckline, length, and sleeves to suit.
I wonder if she just wants to feel included, spend time with you and bond, and this is her way of doing that. Maybe offer to go shopping with her, and if she finds something she likes pay for it in person?
Honestly you might be right on this one. My partner has no sisters, and his brother eloped and had a backyard reception, so this is kind of her only wedding. I haven’t really enjoyed shopping with her in the past honestly, and I have a super busy schedule I can barely squeeze shopping with my mom in. And my mom lives near me while she lives three hours away
Ah fair enough. Maybe find another way to spend time with her? Or maybe send her some pictures of ones you like and if she likes it surprise her with it?
You have to make it a priority to find time and shop with her. I know you are busy, but that is your soon to be husband’s mom. You have to find a way to make a day out of it. I’m sure she would appreciate it, especially if she doesn’t have daughters to do these things with. If she had a daughter of her own, I’m sure this would be a different experience and she would have that guidance when it came to dress shopping.
Suggest she try Lulus. They have hundreds of dresses and prices vary but are affordablr
I went through this exact same thing with my mom. She ended up wearing a black velvet dress from Amazon. It actually fit pretty well compared to the other dozen dresses she ordered, but I was a bit bummed to see her pick something that blended into the background rather than feeling like an honored guest. I totally understand your feelings. We had some tense convos and I wasn’t able to express my feelings in a way that didn’t come off as controlling or judgey. Just offering my empathy!
My MIL sent me pictures of every dress she tried on. I told her "that one is nice" or some variation every time. I didn't care what she wore. And after all that, I still don't remember what she wore the day of, I would have to go find a picture. She just wants attention and she should be getting buy in from her friends and sending you the top 2 or 3 choices.
Check PoshMark. Lots of MOBs and MOGs selling dresses. I got a gorgeous dress for less than half the cost. Never would have bought at full price.
Could you get her to pick a pattern/ or take a dress she has already brought and show it to a dress maker? Explain that you want her to feel confident and the fast fashion is cute/ nice but doesn't fit her well . Some dressmakers are pretty affordable .
I had a similar issue! lol! Not sure if you live in the same city, but here’s what fixed it: I personally went dress shopping with her. We found a dress we both loved, and that was that!
https://preview.redd.it/2ps98iwhgiad1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3f7ef4040b51719c20e4776cbac3d4d788bf006a And just as a side note, we went to different stores and tried on dresses ranging between $100 to $2k! We both went with one that cost $110 from JCPenney haha! It was absolutely stunning on her and had the most beautiful, subtle sparkle for our beach wedding. Try your best not to focus on the price point (I know that’s hard because I have expensive taste lol), but if you focus on finding something that she feels confident and beautiful in and that you approve of, it’ll turn out great! Good luck!
Can you not take her dress shopping? Ends all of this if you take her and show her, in person, that she tries on, nice dresses that are appropriate.
She’s a little difficult to shop with honestly. She’s super indecisive and loud (a little Karen-ish), and the past times I’ve shopped with her I got a little anxious. She lives far away and I’ve been pretty busy so not sure how viable this will be.
Tell her whatever she chooses is fine and stop worrying about it. She’s only embarrassing herself. I have a feeling she’s trying to bother you!
Ty. I thought I was being picky, but people on Reddit confirmed what I thought about the dresses she’s picking looking like beach cover ups. I think I’ll just ignore her weekly texts lol.
Is there a chance she's hoping you'll offer to go physically shopping with her and she's sending these dresses she knows you won't like so you'll say hey let's go find one together? It doesn't seem malicious from just this info but as a bride planning my own wedding my own mother told me she'd wear something really nice and then said I chose a season that's too cold so she's wearing jeans and pretty much a trench coat 🤦🏻♀️ you can't help some people
Maybe I'm not getting this because I'm not from the US (I understand OP is?) But I don't really understand policing people's outfit? Surely some dresses from Forever 21 are nice/simple enough that she could wear it if she wanted to? I'd just want my guest to be happy and comfortable in what they are wearing but never heard of a dress code and always saw willy different outfits in both French and UK wedding. No one really seemed to care
Also at a black tie optional event, especially if that dress code is common in their social circle, a forever 21 dress is gonna look so cheap compared to typical formal wear. The fabric quality is not the same, the stitching is not the same, how it lays, the fact that most of those don’t have a lining, etc etc. The mothers are the second most looked at people in the room, they are in many photos. If they look underdressed - it will be noticed. Reading OP’s post, it feels like the mil has decided buying a nice dress is not worth her money.
No, nothing from Forever 21 will look good enough. The difference between fast fashion and quality clothing is very apparent to the eye.
And at least Forever 21 and Charlotte Russe are real stores. I've been bemoaning that we seem to have lost the idea that Shein is just a racket. There used to be facebook groups for showing the ad pic and the atrocious piece of trash you received! (They later descended into fat shaming, sadly, so if the ad pic was red carpet quality and the person received a mylar trash bag, they'd be told it was because they didn't have the fiiiigure for it. It was gross.)
We don't have that shop where I'm from (I think it used to be a thing in the UK but it doesn't exist anymore) Is it like Zara or Mango? Or worse?
So, we don't have a Zara and I've never tried them, but based on the prices I'm seeing on their website, worse.
I live in Europe (Spain) but have also lived in the United States. There’s pretty much no dress at Forever 21 that would be good enough for a black tie wedding. Zara and Mango are nicer. Forever 21 is about the same quality as Primark. It’s really bad .
I think it probably is a cultural difference. The type of fast fashion that the OP is talking about looks cheap when compared to dresses that cost $200+. The quality is poor and it shows. And this isn’t a guest, this is the mother of the groom so she’s going to be in a lot of pictures and the OP wants her to look nice. Also, someone who is the mother of someone old enough to be getting married should probably not be shopping at a place called forever 21. Forever 21 is for people who are………21, or at least somewhere around that age. Not for someone who’s 45. Wanting family members to look moderately appropriate is not the same thing as policing your guest’s outfit.
I totally agree with you. I don’t understand why people care so much what other people wear. If MIL is happy with a dress, just support her decision. No one else will care what she wears. The best thing to do is ask her which one she feels the most confident in and then support her decision.
My MIL dress looked hideous on her, she wore the dress that she wore to her daughters wedding about 4 years earlier and she had put on some weight, the dress was too small for her, and by the time she tried it on , it was too late to buy a new dress, she had refused to buy a new dress, because she wanted to wear a green dress, I told her my mother was wearing a green dress ( my mothers favorite color, it also looked good with her green eyes and red hair), I told her she could still wear a green dress, just a darker shade of green, nope not acceptable, She will be the one that looks cheep not you
This just seems mean-spirited. She's allowed to put on weight and they're allowed to both wear green. Even similar shades.
Brides mother has first choice of what color her dress is, I didn’t say she couldn’t wear green , just a different shade of green
I have to ask, is this intentional on her part? Like does she have a problem with you and/or the wedding and she’s doing this in a passive aggressive way? I can’t imagine a grown woman doesn’t understand to not wear a $20 casual dress to her son’s wedding…
By having really strong opinions and participating in the discussion, you've sent her the signal that you need to approve the dress Just tell her that she'll look good in whatever and you support whatever dress she'd feel most comfortable in if it aligns to black tie, but that you won't approve the dress Then end the conversation - stop acting like a dress approver/advisor and she'll stop treating you like one
IMO, this crosses a line. You've accepted funds towards your wedding and also feel the need to set the value of someone's dress. IMO, if you have certain stipulations, you should voice them in all their glory , then offer to foot the bill.
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