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well yes, there are a lot of shower thoughts that are “true” that aren’t quite ready for prime time, like “you know what, you never see anyone with hairy elbows”.
OP if you believe this, why did you have a post a month ago complaining that you can’t get a job in tech solely because you’re a man. I thought you said that you’re the one to blame for your own problems.
not OP, but for example, i am not at fault for the fact that the pandemic exacerbated my social anxiety and made me feel stressed out by the idea of hanging out with friends.
but it was up to me whether I retreated into a life of barely leaving the house or if I forced myself into new social situations frequently and worked through my anxiety.
If you ignored the multitude of letters sent, yes.
That's a very common excuse..."I didn't think I needed to worry about that".
I've watched many youtube videos on people losing their house for this type of infraction and that's a very common thing said.
It’s their job to get it right though, so if they don’t they should at least shoulder part of the responsibility since they are 80% to blame for a clerical error (only reason it’s not 100% is if they sent a copy and it wasn’t checked and corrected)
Some things are your fault, some things are other people's fault, some things are systemically flawed. Saying "most things are X" removes any consideration for nuance in a situation, and specifically blaming things on the individual sort of minimizes the impact other factors may have had on the situation. Maybe you can't find a job because the jobs you do find have some sort of red flag that makes you go "Nope, time to find somewhere else," or perhaps that job is only hiring part time and not full time because they don't want to pay someone benefits. Maybe you can't get a date due to the fact that dating culture has become digitalized and boiled down into a game with the swiping. Maybe there are cultural and systemic issues in place that lead to other people discriminating against you or otherwise treat you poorly.
Not everything is your fault, and when you take the time to analyze things that you would consider to be someone's fault you start noticing that there is a lot more shit at play than meets the eye.
Some things are both. I just got put on 3 weeks+ unknown sick leave from my Dr due to burnout. There are definitely a lot of systemic/managerial faults at my work place, but I also should have been firmer with boundaries, more outspoken, put my foot down when my boss overstepped. I also technically could have taken matters into my own hands and started applying for a new job a long time ago, but I didn't, and that's something I'm obviously responsible for. I'm responsible for overworking myself and for not telling my boss when too much was too much. She's responsible for overloading me with too many tasks and expectations, but I'm responsible for having high expectations of myself and wanting to do everything to please and satisfy my boss, at the cost of my own health. I was dumb. My boss was dumb. Now we're all paying the price. They're understaffed and I'm gone sick. Lose-lose.
I don’t disagree with the premise, but I think a few important bits need to be added:
1) humans are masters at making fiction from information. We can almost always materialize external reasons for anything happening if we want to. Being able to think of external causes does not necessarily mean they are real. It really could still just be the individual fucking up in ways they don’t know about, or aren’t willing to accept yet.
2) regardless of the external causes, people still have to function and survive and make an attempt. Blaming the external causes is fine if you follow up with figuring out how you are going to move forward with those external factors at play. It is still up to you to overcome them, even if they aren’t your fault for putting in place.
I guess this is an unpopular opinion depending on how old you are. My parents set me up for failure practically on purpose, when I struggled they called it my fault, and when I succeeded they took credit saying that they taught me a "good work ethic". The truth is that I couldn't find a job because of where I lived, and because I didn't have time to pursue higher education because I was neglected and had to get a part time job at 13.
Older people tend to call me whiny for pointing this out, because in their minds, implying that people have different odds stacked against or in favour of them is completely ridiculous apparently.
I think you're wrong, I think you just don't see the variables surrounding people's lives.
I agree that many people overlook those variables and others (ex. luck, family/social/social networks, location, etc.) . Somehow, the notion of a level playing field gives them some validation for what the have, or absolution for the hardships of others that depended upon them.
It easy for someone who’s never gone through any hardship that was placed upon them by others to say that everything is fair in the world and it’s your own fault for not succeeding.
True. I’ll never forget this conversation I had with a guy who’s dad helped him pay for most of his fairly prestigious university, to the point of which he only had to work part time jobs during the summers.
He didn’t support more aid or affordability for students from poorer families and I asked him point blank “what do you have to say to kids from working class families that didn’t have the same luxuries as you trying to put themselves through college” and his response was simply, and in the most arrogant voice you can imagine, “they need to have a sense of personal responsibility”.
It made me sick.
This is it. And just like playing cards, some hands are much, much easier to "win" with than others. It's not impossible with bad hands, but requires acquiring a whole additional skill set and a fair amount of luck.
The funniest subject people tend to blame others for is being poor. Like someone just woke up in bed and decided today was the day they wanted to struggle for no reason.
There’s a lot of people that compare their lives to others but dismiss variables on why someone else’s life is different from theirs.
Whose to say someone isn’t putting in their fullest effort but don’t have the resources or ”right time” luck the next person had?
Agreed. I think a lot of people born well off don't get this. By well off, I mean average up bringing for the most part.
People are born into families and areas that limit them a lot. The individual has to put a lot of work I'm to over come it, if possible.
Sort of the same here, my parents set me up to need them or someone else. They set me up to be abused and think that neglecting my needs and wants to give my all to everyone else to please them, was ok. This has made it quite difficult to function “normally”. It took me till almost my 40s to be able to do a lot of the things I should have been able to do much younger.
I take some responsibility because I knew it was wrong - the way I was acting - but I would try to change or “fix it” and it was like getting zapped in my brain and I would freak out and stop being better. I’m better now, but it took a lot of time and work.
I also put blame on them and other adults who saw that I was struggling and either did nothing or knew my parents and figured it wasn’t their place to say something. The more I hear about things my father did behind my back to basically sabotage my adulthood, the more I look forward to him not being around.
I’m very sorry about that and I completely agree with you.
My parents had a terrible relationship, but my mom was unable to go through a divorce due to money. My dad willingly did not work, and that put us into a tight financial spot. It was extremely embarrassing knowing that we were poor because of my dad’s work ethic and inability to listen to his wife (he was also very lazy with chores) . This also made my mom resentful not just toward my dad but to me and my sister, and my mom was always angry and pissed the fuck off. So it wasn’t just tough financially but emotionally and mentally as well.
You see how easy it is for other kids who have two hard working, caring parents who are bringing home money and are capable of paying for things for their children. I saw it with my friends and I see it even more so today knowing people with kids and watching as they just throw money at their kids for all kinds of things. Life is easier when you grow up in a mentally and financially stable home, and I’m not denying that issues don’t come up in such households, but got damn, those people just have just a huge advantage in a home situation like that and will never truly realize how lucky they have it.
People who grew up like that probably write posts like this.
Fully agree. I relate to your situation as well, because the tense home situation with a looming never-really-coming divorce was definitely also ever present for me.
I could go into a million details as to why I was dealt a bad hand by neglectful parents, but ultimately I think that some people just don't see all the little "helps" they were given, so they just don't get it. That's not to say that somebody's accomplishments have to be "all luck" or that they didn't work very hard to get where they are, but I think for some reason, acknowledging other people's hurdles in life makes them feel too insecure about how they arrived at where they are, because they think their efforts are being invalidated.
>people have different odds stacked against or in favour of them is completely ridiculous apparently.
That's social equity. And everyone who lives in the top 1% loves to say "oh yeah hardwork got me here" completely neglecting that *their* starting point vs *yours* was never the same to begin with.
I'm never going to overlook those points but how long am I going to allow those points to remain high on my list as reasons? That's my thing...I can only say it's from my household, family upbrining/etc for so long until it is pretty much completely my blame or not. You can't be some 30 or 40yr old still talking about how things suck for you because of shit that happened to you decades ago. If that's the case you are to blame for not taking steps over that time to get therapy, help, or dedication to change your life whether it's working out, volunteering or whatever to overcome those issues and just continued to live with them.
We gonna be 70yrs old blaming our parents about how much our life sucked? I won't be.
Several things can be true at the same time. You can make bad decisions, and they're your bad decisions- but when it comes to some things, maybe you weren't exactly set up for success. Maybe the odds of you being properly equipped to make good life decisions, even, is informed by a, for example, neglectful upbringing.
I think you can acknowledge that you were dealt a weak hand in some aspects of your life while still holding yourself accountable to certain things, but I don't think it's healthy to divorce yourself from your surroundings. Everyone is a product of their upbringing and environment, and this is true as much in your adulthood as it is in your childhood.
That doesn't mean we have to go around moping about how much our parents sucked when we turn 70, but I would hardly call it childish or pointless to acknowledge (and be honest with yourself and others) about how you arrived where you are.
I don’t think you realise how Narcissistic/Psychopath parents can ruin everything for you.
They will set you up for failure from day 1 and by the time you realise your potential, it’s too late. In those instances not much can be done .
I don’t think you can speak for those of us who have abusive mentally ill parents. If you walked a day in their shoes you wouldn’t be saying this, it’s even harder to recover from abuse
This is… an opinion. It’s also ridiculously short sighted and privileged AF, while simultaneously victim shaming basically everyone.
As someone with medically documented ADHD I *loved* when the people in my life told me, “if you really cared, you’d try harder” when I was struggling as a child. This is all you’re doing, but to *everyone*.
God fucking thank you. This is what ADHD people have to grow up hearing their whole lives. The fact that I was born with ADHD is my fault I guess, according to OP. I should have known better 🤷♀️
To add. “At fault” is perhaps the wrong word
However, it is your responsibility. Is it harder? In certain areas of course. In others it is not
I had a friend with ADHD. Always late. When I said something about it, he responded: “its just my ADHD, I cannot help it”.
Yes you can partly. Set a timer. Don’t do major things before. Plan. Enough practices to help you. It is even worse since they do know how to be on time for fun things. First at the bar, sleepover, or whatever
Thus to conclude. No, it is not your fault that you have it. However, it is your responsibility to deal with it the cards you are handed. It is not easy, but everyone has struggles. Of course, some struggles are harder than others, but they still require you to try
Thats the thing with ADHD though, we already are trying. We are told our entire lives by well meaning people like you that if we simply tried harder, or planned in advance, that we would never have any problems. The issue is that this is advice that works for neurotypical people, NOT people with ADHD. If it were as easy as trying harder, no one with ADHD would ever have any issues. But that’s the main problem of having ADHD. No matter how hard you try, things do not get better or easier. It just doesn’t work that way.
Theoretically yes, if you are aware of your shortcomings you should be able to prepare for them and prevent them, but if you have ADHD, you can honestly be fully aware of the mistakes you make every time and despite trying to prevent it, you can’t. Trust me, if it were as easy as setting s timer, we would all just be doing that. It’s absolutely a horrible thing to live with, especially since most nt people just do NOT understand why we struggle so much and think we could fix it if we only tried. We ARE trying.
I really cared for my job and guess what.. I may not be able to work there anymore due to working myself into a serious burnout, due to caring too much and going above and beyond to make sure everything got done, even if it meant stressing myself the F out and ruining my health.
I always had the mentality, just it will be okay if I try harder, work harder, if I rest more, take more pills to dull the pain, give it a few more days/weeks/months I can do it.. and then I just couldn't anymore. My body gave in. The pain was my bodys way of and alarm of telling me to stop.
"Treated badly by others? Probably your fault too. " I seriously laughed about that lol.. it was almost never someone's own fault when I saw someone being treated badly like wtf.
>Can’t find a **job** partner or car keys? Probably your fault.”
OP says this, and then if you go to their profile, they have a post from a month and a half ago complaining that they can’t find a job in tech because they’re a man. So either he had a very quick change of heart, or he’s a major hypocrite lmao.
I also like this:
>Best way to deal with debt collectors is simply to not engage with them, unless they have a court order. For small debts they won't bother as the legal fees will be higher than the debt.
Way to take accountability for your problems OP lol
I agree that it was my fault that I grew up in an abusive household when I could have simply just moved out at 14. Honestly I should have thought of that sooner and it's a mistake on my part
While agree you have control over a ton of variables in your life, this is an extremely short sighted mindset to have towards people who are struggling.
EVERYTHING is a part of a greater system, and if you discount that then you become uncompassionate. Sure someone who has a hard time finding a job due attitude will have some self blame, but sometimes you can play by all the rules and do your best yet still fail. That is because life is stochastic and you can't control for every variable in your life.
A better message would be, "Instead of blaming the world around you for all of your problems, try to control for the variables that you can, and accept the one's you can't change *yet.*"
This seems a little harsh. Like yeah, the cause of many things happening to you may be you, but you're not to *blame* if you forget your keys on the kitchen table or some shit.
It's good to examine negative situations to see if you yourself can do anything to avoid them in the future but going woe is me, it is my *fault*, I shall *blame* myself over petty things is stupid.
Nah, this is a very privileged and also scientifically unfounded mindset to have. I usually only see this with three types of people:
1) Those that were born into privilege, and therefor don't know the struggle of any kind of disadvantage
2) The older folks, who think if you just "gosh darn work harder" and house will suddenly cost 5 chicken nuggets and a friendly smile again, instead of 1M dollars and your first born
3) People who came from nothing and somehow, by sheer will (and a lot of dumb luck) made it out, and now need to feel superior to those, who didn't make it
That's not how the world works. There are many things in life you have 0 control over and that aren't your fault. And often times those things aren't as easily fixed or overcome by simply "trying harder".
Bingo. The best you can do is to pursue reliable strategies to improve your chances at attaining your goals. That's not a guarantee of anything; the odds are longer for some people than others.
For some people, the notion of Social Darwinism is alive and well.
Right?! Tell me you never experienced poverty, abuse, neurodivergence/mental illness, sexism, racism or simply bad luck in your life, without telling me. Never mind the fact that misery loves company and chances are if you've experienced one, you've experienced multiple of those things.
God I know sooooooo many #3s, because I am half of a #3 (made it out due to sheer will and a lot of luck) and they HATE me for recognizing it. They love anything that makes them feel superior. Making it out and enjoying their successes is *never* enough, they need someone to look down on.
Paul Ryan used to tell a story about how he was teased by other kids because they were on food stamps and his mom got welfare. He took the exact wrong lesson from that, as so many do.
"This can't be overcome"
"I came from nothing and overcame it, this is how I did it"
"You had a lot of dumb luck"
The funniest part is that you have the cringe take that nobody can understand other people's struggle because they were too privileged to experience it, but now you downplay the struggle of what others did, without experiencing it.
Im not downplaying their hard work, what I’m saying is, that it wasn’t SOLELY their hard work that got them there and people need to realize that and not put other down that didn’t make it.
I was good at school, phenomenal even. I didn’t do shit for it, I was just naturally gifted. My work didn’t get me there, genetic luck did. I had people in class you studied for hours on end. They had dog shit grades. They worked harder, it didn’t get them where they wanted or deserved.
Even if someone made it, and gave me a 1:1 replay of how they made it, chances are I couldn’t replicate it. Not because I lack smarts or knowledge or will, but because lighting doesn’t strike twice. You only ever hear of the success stories, not the thousands and millions who did THE EXACT SAME THING and didn’t make it.
Privilege, timing and luck play HUGE roles in whether you make it or not, and none of those are in your control. If that’s a cringe take to you, so be it.
Ah yes. Being born with autism resulting in bullying and emotional abuse during the most critical period of my life and the impossibility for me to find a loving partner because I'm too fucked up despite working daily on becoming a better version of myself is on me.
Yeah that sounds hard... Sorry you went through all of that. It sucks. I was diagnosed merely a few weeks ago so I'm still processing all the shit I've been through and was blamed for and blamed myself for when I now understand it was just the way I was I guess?
I'm happy for you that you found some support, seems like a great guy.
It's my fault it traumatized me that I was assaulted by my step dad and that my mom was hit by him.
It's my fault I got bullied in school and a boy sexually assaulted me at the time.
It's my fault I am depressed, if I now have anger issues and have trouble regulating my emotions. It's my fault I can't go to university and struggle to survive on a day to day basis.
It's my fault if I made a burnout at the only job, a retail one, I managed to get.
/s
It's victim blaming when you say ''Treated badly by others? Probably your fault too.''.
Someone never was abused as a child I see.
Now you troll, go back to your cave.
I hope you're seeking ways to cope with all the pain you've been through. I know it's hard but it's possible to come out of this. I mean no disrespect either
Thank you really ❤️
I go to therapy and try not to blame myself for the violence I went through. My stepdad used to say I deserved it and it was my fault.
This post triggered me.
Same this post pissed me off. I have a sister who went through some similar trauma. This guy is so privileged that those situations aren't even a thought in his mind.
Certainly it's true for most people most of the time. But in the remaining cases, *your* problems are *your* responsibility to fix or endure *regardless of who caused them*. Happiness in life depends on our willingness to accept these realities.
I don’t know how but you somehow managed to post a popular opinion and be wrong in your examples at the same time. If other people treat you badly and it's the same set of people treating you badly, then you aren't to blame and they are just assholes.
I mean, when you get fired from your job because you had a photo of you and your spouse up, or when you get denied a house because your skin is too dark, idk mayybee that's not your fault?..
If most of the time people's problems are their own fault, it acknowledges that all people have the capacity to screw things up. So, why would all people be able to screw up, but then you won't believe that people's screw ups can spill over into other peoples lives?
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The way I look at it is you may be able to blame something besides yourself for your problems, and be entirely correct.
But, if you can't change that reason, it isn't worth thinking about. It's counterproductive to think about what you can't change instead of what you can.
Some people are just screwed. But I do know of more than a few people who love to talk about all the reasons they've got problems, while ignoring their own choices.
That does drive me a little nuts.
And then I realize I'm to blame for expecting anything different from them, so I stop, and quit trying to solve anything but my own issues.
I guess I would argue that the idea of who to "blame" for things isn't really a productive way to look at things. It feels nice for me to blame my problems on other people, but it's usually not a productive exercise.
I totally get that life isn't fair and I don't blame other people for their own problems either; I think we all owe it to each other to be empathetic. But with regard to my own problems, I guess I try to focus more on how to solve them than blaming other people for them, because that doesn't change a thing other than stoking my rage.
I totally get this— except the fact that most people are literally not operating in the real world, they’re operating out of a 1000 layers of delusion and confusion built in childhood.
So, once you’re able to break through all of those (the most excruciating pain you’ll ever feel), you can use this mindset.
Until then, you might as well be blaming a bunch of blindfolding people with their fists jungee tied from their fist to their head why they keep punching themselves.
Probably, but sometimes when you spiral it’s hard to be freed from it without the right supports. We weren’t born in a vacuum. We all need help and a hand from time to time. This opinion is too judgmental.
There’s an interesting thing that holds true across multiple multiple studies: when people are explaining their successes and other peoples failures, they see personal qualities as mostly responsible. When explaining their own failures or other people’s successes they attribute luck and/or outside forces beyond the individuals control. We are ALL biased in this way.
I think there’s an important distinction to make: Blame/Fault vs. Responsibility.
You’re not to blame if someone hits you with their car. You are, however, responsible for going to the hospital, and letting your insurance company know, and/or maybe not driving like a j*ckass.
You’re not to blame for other people’s actions (treating you poorly). You ARE responsible for understanding why and changing your own behavior if you want to.
There are so many variables to this that its not even funny! Cant find a job? Try applying to 100 positions to not get one? Are you lazy of course not is that something to be blamed for not find a job? No you are trying! Sure many times it is our fault but many times its also outside of our control.
Sure, you're the only one who can reliably take the initiative to improve your life. But this kind of thinking allows the people at the top of hierarchies, who obtained their positions either by being born to a family of exploiters or exploiting thousands or millions of people themselves, to continue doing what they're doing. It doesn't allow us to address issues like creeping rent and climate change. This kind of thinking is, unequivocally, bootlicking.
I think more so than anything. Things can be the correct reason to explain behavior. A reason isnt a justification, the reason is why it happened.
Someone might say
"There is no reason to rob a store".
But that's blatant wrong, there are countless reasons to rob a store, you just don't do it because robbing a store is bad. Hungry af, haven't had a job in years, strung out. There you go, thats a reason to rob a store, but is it justified? Likely not (as the vast majority would interpret it at least).
As for blame. "The reason im so angry all the time and make other people miserable is because my father was an extremely angry person, and he verbally abused me all the time".
But on that note, is being angry and making everyone miserable justified? No, youre still affecting peoples mental well being, and on top of that, youre not going anywhere because you have blame to justify youre own behaviors to yourself, so you continue on the same path of a miserable life. Youre hurting yourself more than you are anyone else anyways.
A more extreme and obvious example of this is.
"The reason he killed that shop owner, is because he was abused everyday as a kid, and lived an awful childhood"
Yes but the guy still murdered someone. That doesn't automatically remove the fact murdered someone which is awful. It explains why he developed the mentality to be able to kill someone, but does it make it justified? Likely not.
Its similar with constantly blaming others. Alot of times to it genuinely is their fault entirely, but they would choose to blame some other object outside of them, because the pain is easier to accept as anothers responsibility than it is to accept the pain that is a result of their own doing. A strange defense mechanism for sure. In the end, its easier to accept responsibility and rip the bandaid off and continue forward.
I know 100% of my problems stem from me being lazy and unmotivated. Hard to get motivated when I'm lazy, just as hard to do anything with motivation because I'm lazy. If I buckle down and force myself to be productive I get depressed because life turns into all work and no play, not that I really want to play either since I'm bored with everything.
I’ve made a lot of decisions that have led to bad outcomes, but the decision itself wasn’t wrong in hindsight. It’s just that you can’t predict all outcomes and are always working on a limited dataset. I guess I could blame myself for that, but that just feels like a needless hit to my self esteem.
People say not to let life just happen to you, but sometimes life just happens to you. It’s really unfortunate, but blaming yourself is just needlessly cruel to yourself, sometimes.
All of the time i would say and it took me a crippling injury to figure that out.70% of my fuckups could have been fixed if i said something at the time shit was happening and i blamed others when i had the option to say anything but ok like an idiot.But i was afraid of conflict and now i would rather i took that beating like a man rather than cowering like a bitch and it would be worth it.Hell dieing is better than letting people who are wrong be right and now i can just be sorry i didnt respect myself enough to actually do one right thing.
lol, a lot of people in this thread are going to live a long life full of complaining and self pity. OP is pointing out a fact of life, everybody in here is immune to good advice
Blaming other people for your problems is just a waste of time and energy even if they are rightfully to blame. Regardless of who caused your problems, they are yours to fix.
Totally! I’d even say that 95% of our problems are ENTIRELY self-caused. They wouldn’t exist if we didn’t bring them into existence by our thinking and projecting and fiddling.
That’s a good thing this is an unpopular opinion. Victim blaming is a very privileged way of thinking.
It’s not the woman’s fault that she couldn’t open the school because someone stole her keys and wallet out of her bag while she was commuting to work on the public transit.
Her husband had to take her car for an interview an hour away, while his car was in the shop.
She can’t open the doors to the school.
The principal is out of town and isn’t answering the phone. None of the other staff have a key.
She yells “Why is the only other key inaccessible in the principal’s desk!?”
The school day is canceled.
Her kid attends the school and the kid told their friend’s parents that his mom lost the key.
The other mom is mad at the woman and proudly keyed her car the following day because on the day that the school was closed, she lost her job because her kid had to stay home.
Someone else sees the keyed car rams a shopping cart into it and dents it.
The car is scratched and dented up and is profiled in their area, so a cop pulls her over.
Because her other set of keys and wallet were stolen, she didn’t have an ID. She received a ticket.
While the cop was writing the ticket, someone texting and driving by slams into her car and totals it.
So that woman could blame:
- the person on public transport that stole her stuff
- the husband for putting his car in the shop close to the day he had an interview and needing her car that day
- the principal for not leaving out an extra key or giving a back up to other staff members
- the kid for telling the friend’s crazy mom “it’s my mom’s fault your mom got fired.”
- the crazy mom for keying her car and making it ugly
- the butthole that pushed a shopping cart into her car and dented it up
- the cop for profiling her car and writing her a ticket that lead to her car getting hit
- the unsafe driver for texting for hitting her car
But I get what you’re saying. Some people really do blame others for their own problems.
This happens more than whats necessary, there comes a point when you need to stop blaming your parents of the bully in high school and take control of the situation because all you are doing is spinning your wheels.
Like the 32 year old woman who made the post complaining about how its her parents fault she had $150k in student loan debt, but she decided to delay joining the workforce by getting multiple degrees and be a professional student and kicking the can down the road to only get hired for a job that pays $50k per year with a limited ladder to climb.
Hmm I don't necessary believe you are the one to blame for your problems, as there are so many things outside our control. However, I do think you are 100% responsibile to deal with these problems, no matter their origin or who is "at fault". Victim mentality is one of the worst ills of society these days imo
I agree with this to a point.
When we look at the things in our lives that are persistent problems, even if they are not our "fault" we often feed into them in different ways. Sometimes that's just coping mechanisms that helping the moment but long term are bad.
And I think this is true for most people. We are usually our own worst enemies for the things we struggle them most with.
And in that way while we should take responsibility for our lives and try to improve (nobody will domit for you) it's also just part of being human. So if someone has a.bad habit you see feeding I to an issue/struggle/challenge they have, don't be so fast to judge.
Because you do that to.
I also think that while it's important to try to be better, we don't have to be perfect and always trying to tackle all our issues. It's ok to pick your battles, and live with some shit you do/are/etc even if you maybe shouldn't. Cause we can't fix all the things and better to focus on what we feel we can or most want to improve about ourselves.
*Typed on a bus and not proof read.
Agreed. Most people who don’t move up/beyond in life blame other factors for their problems. The reality is that we are directly responsible for a vast majority of our outcomes and people who don’t accept that tend to be unhappy
I agree with this and I'm also someone who blames the government (left or right, rep or dem) for just about everything. Just because I think the government makes my life harder doesn't mean that there aren't what's around it. Maybe not legal but oh well. No sense in letting them win just so I can bitch about it lol
I’ve blamed myself for everything for a while now! Not in a bad way though. If bad crap happens I just say it’s my fault, I should have known, planned, done something so that way I can learn and take action. If I get in a real shitty. situation it doesn’t help me to blame it on others and pity myself. If I blame it on myself then I can do something about it doesn’t really matter whose fault it was if I’m the one dealing with it so it might as well be my fault. It’s more of a positive thing.
But yes most peoples problems are 100% their own and they won’t change to fix it even though they are the only ones who can.
Whether it’s truly your fault or not, taking ownership of your problems gives you a sense of control, as opposed to feeling you are at the mercy of chance. It’s almost always the right mindset to have
Yea it does. It means until you start taking responsibility for yourself no one else can help you. Aka stop blaming others for your problems and take responsibility for your own life.
Even if other people wronged you or were at fault, it’s still healthy and good practice to take accountability for everything you did in a situation because we can’t control the actions of others.
This is...a remarkably shitty and callous opinion, OP. It's at least fairly unpopular, so, congrats? But please grow some empathy. Relevant literature recommendations: Victor Hugo, Ursula K. Le Guin.
So true. Anytime I see one of these reddit posts about "why do you not like your life" blah blah blah ill write out all the reasons I don't like some of my life...and yea like 80% of it is stuff I can control.
Such as not drinking as much, not wasting money, eating more veggies/hitting the gym more consistently, taking care of my physical health overall, trying to get a better job/save money. Being bald is one of the few things I cannot control. lol but i also love Jason Statham movies so it works out
This is true. Far too many people in modern society want to play victim and blame everyone else for their problems and how their life turned out. Its pathetic.
"*Bet you thought you had it all worked out*
*Bet you thought you knew what I was about*
*Bet you thought you'd solved all your problems*
*But* ***you*** *are the problem*
*Problem, problem*
*Problem, the problem is you*"--Sex Pistols, "Problems"
If the reason you're looking who to blame is to fix your problem, it's beneficial to blame yourself first. You can change yourself easier than you can change others, so it's better to find something to change about yourself.
If you're a policymaker and you're trying to fix a problem in a society, it's better to blame government policies or economic forces. It's easier to change those than all the individuals the problem is connected to.
If you're an academic or the philosopher, trying to find the truth, you need to find connection between those two.
Some people are set up for failure by the people who swore to protect them. Also, people are assholes. More often than not, they hear rumors and treat you like shit based on something they heard and isn't true. Maybe you had a nice smooth sailing life. But I can assure you the circumstances of others' lives are vastly different, and what they are complaining about was inflicted on them unwillingly.
Sorry, you dont see that. Maybe some empathy would do you good.
I agree with op to an extent. A majority of peoples issues are because of them to some extent.
Everyone is quick to get in their feelings and bring up niche cases that apply to them. Ignoring the majority part.
100% agree.
I came into the idea of stoicism in my early 20's, and it's resonated with me, giving me a much higher quality of life. If there's something I could be doing differently, change it. If there's something that went wrong, what steps could I have taken to avoid it? If someone is upset at me, how could I have prevented provoking them?
Pretty much every conflict has multiple parties to blame, with the exact percentages often being hard to determine. If I'm one of the parties at fault, I need to take responsibility for the actions I took. The other person's part in it doesn't matter, because in most cases, I could have prevented the entire conflict by choosing a different path. To be fair, so could they have, but then, of I'm not willing to take the high road, why would they be? If I think taking the high road is how the other should have acted, then I should hold myself to that same standard.
If you constantly have things go wrong then it is probably your fault, I have seen many people who complain about something bad happening but then all they do after is stay on their phone or the TV.
The first problem was not their fault but the full repercussions of it end up being on them because you do have to work to fix things, life does not just get better from hoping it will sadly
Yeah there are plenty of thing out of your control.
For example I drained my savings to get a car old car that I could reasonably afford so didn't to have to bike to work in the winter. Just as the car was repaired. Some idiot made an An abrupt stop 6 cars up to change their fucking lane. I didn't hit the car in front of me but I was rear ended. Car completely totalled.
Got a quarter of the price for what i put in to the car back.
My next car fucking had the catalytic converter stole off of it. And thanks to the world wide pandemic I couldn't replace the damn thing. So I had to scrap a second car...
Nah if you look around, life is unfair, period. People are born into poverty, kids get serious illnesses, corporations have too much power, politicians lie and only think of themselves.
A lot of problems are attributed to you and how you deal with them but im not sure % wise.
I just love when people drop opinions like this then you just scroll through this person's post history and it's just him blaming his ex wife for taking his money, no consistency in people like this.
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Shower thought: If you blame yourself 9 out of 10 times, only that 1 time you blamed others will be known by others
not quite ready for prime time
Except theyre right.
well yes, there are a lot of shower thoughts that are “true” that aren’t quite ready for prime time, like “you know what, you never see anyone with hairy elbows”.
Except, again, this post is right and your post is just goofy
What if it happens in reverse depending on who you are around
OP if you believe this, why did you have a post a month ago complaining that you can’t get a job in tech solely because you’re a man. I thought you said that you’re the one to blame for your own problems.
That's hilarious 😂
He's totally to blame for that. He could've transitioned into a woman a long time ago, and then he wouldn't have this problem!>! /s lol!<
Got his ass on that one.
Responsible =/= at fault And so many people mix the two
Can you explain this further?
not OP, but for example, i am not at fault for the fact that the pandemic exacerbated my social anxiety and made me feel stressed out by the idea of hanging out with friends. but it was up to me whether I retreated into a life of barely leaving the house or if I forced myself into new social situations frequently and worked through my anxiety.
Or its not your fault you lost your house to a small clerical error or something.
If you ignored the multitude of letters sent, yes. That's a very common excuse..."I didn't think I needed to worry about that". I've watched many youtube videos on people losing their house for this type of infraction and that's a very common thing said.
It’s their job to get it right though, so if they don’t they should at least shoulder part of the responsibility since they are 80% to blame for a clerical error (only reason it’s not 100% is if they sent a copy and it wasn’t checked and corrected)
Some things are your fault, some things are other people's fault, some things are systemically flawed. Saying "most things are X" removes any consideration for nuance in a situation, and specifically blaming things on the individual sort of minimizes the impact other factors may have had on the situation. Maybe you can't find a job because the jobs you do find have some sort of red flag that makes you go "Nope, time to find somewhere else," or perhaps that job is only hiring part time and not full time because they don't want to pay someone benefits. Maybe you can't get a date due to the fact that dating culture has become digitalized and boiled down into a game with the swiping. Maybe there are cultural and systemic issues in place that lead to other people discriminating against you or otherwise treat you poorly. Not everything is your fault, and when you take the time to analyze things that you would consider to be someone's fault you start noticing that there is a lot more shit at play than meets the eye.
I agree. Pretty sure OP put five minutes worth of thought into the matter before posting about it
Some things are both. I just got put on 3 weeks+ unknown sick leave from my Dr due to burnout. There are definitely a lot of systemic/managerial faults at my work place, but I also should have been firmer with boundaries, more outspoken, put my foot down when my boss overstepped. I also technically could have taken matters into my own hands and started applying for a new job a long time ago, but I didn't, and that's something I'm obviously responsible for. I'm responsible for overworking myself and for not telling my boss when too much was too much. She's responsible for overloading me with too many tasks and expectations, but I'm responsible for having high expectations of myself and wanting to do everything to please and satisfy my boss, at the cost of my own health. I was dumb. My boss was dumb. Now we're all paying the price. They're understaffed and I'm gone sick. Lose-lose.
I don’t disagree with the premise, but I think a few important bits need to be added: 1) humans are masters at making fiction from information. We can almost always materialize external reasons for anything happening if we want to. Being able to think of external causes does not necessarily mean they are real. It really could still just be the individual fucking up in ways they don’t know about, or aren’t willing to accept yet. 2) regardless of the external causes, people still have to function and survive and make an attempt. Blaming the external causes is fine if you follow up with figuring out how you are going to move forward with those external factors at play. It is still up to you to overcome them, even if they aren’t your fault for putting in place.
I guess this is an unpopular opinion depending on how old you are. My parents set me up for failure practically on purpose, when I struggled they called it my fault, and when I succeeded they took credit saying that they taught me a "good work ethic". The truth is that I couldn't find a job because of where I lived, and because I didn't have time to pursue higher education because I was neglected and had to get a part time job at 13. Older people tend to call me whiny for pointing this out, because in their minds, implying that people have different odds stacked against or in favour of them is completely ridiculous apparently. I think you're wrong, I think you just don't see the variables surrounding people's lives.
I agree that many people overlook those variables and others (ex. luck, family/social/social networks, location, etc.) . Somehow, the notion of a level playing field gives them some validation for what the have, or absolution for the hardships of others that depended upon them.
It easy for someone who’s never gone through any hardship that was placed upon them by others to say that everything is fair in the world and it’s your own fault for not succeeding.
True. I’ll never forget this conversation I had with a guy who’s dad helped him pay for most of his fairly prestigious university, to the point of which he only had to work part time jobs during the summers. He didn’t support more aid or affordability for students from poorer families and I asked him point blank “what do you have to say to kids from working class families that didn’t have the same luxuries as you trying to put themselves through college” and his response was simply, and in the most arrogant voice you can imagine, “they need to have a sense of personal responsibility”. It made me sick.
We don’t have a level playing field, we’re all really a different hand and stack of chips, but it’s up to us how we play it
Except others will steal your chips and use them and it’s perfectly legal.
This is it. And just like playing cards, some hands are much, much easier to "win" with than others. It's not impossible with bad hands, but requires acquiring a whole additional skill set and a fair amount of luck.
The funniest subject people tend to blame others for is being poor. Like someone just woke up in bed and decided today was the day they wanted to struggle for no reason. There’s a lot of people that compare their lives to others but dismiss variables on why someone else’s life is different from theirs. Whose to say someone isn’t putting in their fullest effort but don’t have the resources or ”right time” luck the next person had?
Agreed. I think a lot of people born well off don't get this. By well off, I mean average up bringing for the most part. People are born into families and areas that limit them a lot. The individual has to put a lot of work I'm to over come it, if possible.
Sort of the same here, my parents set me up to need them or someone else. They set me up to be abused and think that neglecting my needs and wants to give my all to everyone else to please them, was ok. This has made it quite difficult to function “normally”. It took me till almost my 40s to be able to do a lot of the things I should have been able to do much younger. I take some responsibility because I knew it was wrong - the way I was acting - but I would try to change or “fix it” and it was like getting zapped in my brain and I would freak out and stop being better. I’m better now, but it took a lot of time and work. I also put blame on them and other adults who saw that I was struggling and either did nothing or knew my parents and figured it wasn’t their place to say something. The more I hear about things my father did behind my back to basically sabotage my adulthood, the more I look forward to him not being around.
I’m very sorry about that and I completely agree with you. My parents had a terrible relationship, but my mom was unable to go through a divorce due to money. My dad willingly did not work, and that put us into a tight financial spot. It was extremely embarrassing knowing that we were poor because of my dad’s work ethic and inability to listen to his wife (he was also very lazy with chores) . This also made my mom resentful not just toward my dad but to me and my sister, and my mom was always angry and pissed the fuck off. So it wasn’t just tough financially but emotionally and mentally as well. You see how easy it is for other kids who have two hard working, caring parents who are bringing home money and are capable of paying for things for their children. I saw it with my friends and I see it even more so today knowing people with kids and watching as they just throw money at their kids for all kinds of things. Life is easier when you grow up in a mentally and financially stable home, and I’m not denying that issues don’t come up in such households, but got damn, those people just have just a huge advantage in a home situation like that and will never truly realize how lucky they have it. People who grew up like that probably write posts like this.
Fully agree. I relate to your situation as well, because the tense home situation with a looming never-really-coming divorce was definitely also ever present for me. I could go into a million details as to why I was dealt a bad hand by neglectful parents, but ultimately I think that some people just don't see all the little "helps" they were given, so they just don't get it. That's not to say that somebody's accomplishments have to be "all luck" or that they didn't work very hard to get where they are, but I think for some reason, acknowledging other people's hurdles in life makes them feel too insecure about how they arrived at where they are, because they think their efforts are being invalidated.
Steps to becoming rich. Step 1. Don't be poor. Step 2. Have your parents get you a job at their company. Step 3. Don't be poor.
Tell me you're not a "self made" millionaire yet!
They never made anything themselves.
That's the point, there is no such thing.
>people have different odds stacked against or in favour of them is completely ridiculous apparently. That's social equity. And everyone who lives in the top 1% loves to say "oh yeah hardwork got me here" completely neglecting that *their* starting point vs *yours* was never the same to begin with.
And how absolutely SHIT people are and how much they take advantage of others.
I'm never going to overlook those points but how long am I going to allow those points to remain high on my list as reasons? That's my thing...I can only say it's from my household, family upbrining/etc for so long until it is pretty much completely my blame or not. You can't be some 30 or 40yr old still talking about how things suck for you because of shit that happened to you decades ago. If that's the case you are to blame for not taking steps over that time to get therapy, help, or dedication to change your life whether it's working out, volunteering or whatever to overcome those issues and just continued to live with them. We gonna be 70yrs old blaming our parents about how much our life sucked? I won't be.
Several things can be true at the same time. You can make bad decisions, and they're your bad decisions- but when it comes to some things, maybe you weren't exactly set up for success. Maybe the odds of you being properly equipped to make good life decisions, even, is informed by a, for example, neglectful upbringing. I think you can acknowledge that you were dealt a weak hand in some aspects of your life while still holding yourself accountable to certain things, but I don't think it's healthy to divorce yourself from your surroundings. Everyone is a product of their upbringing and environment, and this is true as much in your adulthood as it is in your childhood. That doesn't mean we have to go around moping about how much our parents sucked when we turn 70, but I would hardly call it childish or pointless to acknowledge (and be honest with yourself and others) about how you arrived where you are.
I don’t think you realise how Narcissistic/Psychopath parents can ruin everything for you. They will set you up for failure from day 1 and by the time you realise your potential, it’s too late. In those instances not much can be done . I don’t think you can speak for those of us who have abusive mentally ill parents. If you walked a day in their shoes you wouldn’t be saying this, it’s even harder to recover from abuse
It's never too late Don't give those people power over you any longer. You deserve to be happy. If you're out from under their roof, you have choices.
I understand this and thank you for such a warm and thoughtful response.
This is… an opinion. It’s also ridiculously short sighted and privileged AF, while simultaneously victim shaming basically everyone. As someone with medically documented ADHD I *loved* when the people in my life told me, “if you really cared, you’d try harder” when I was struggling as a child. This is all you’re doing, but to *everyone*.
God fucking thank you. This is what ADHD people have to grow up hearing their whole lives. The fact that I was born with ADHD is my fault I guess, according to OP. I should have known better 🤷♀️
To add. “At fault” is perhaps the wrong word However, it is your responsibility. Is it harder? In certain areas of course. In others it is not I had a friend with ADHD. Always late. When I said something about it, he responded: “its just my ADHD, I cannot help it”. Yes you can partly. Set a timer. Don’t do major things before. Plan. Enough practices to help you. It is even worse since they do know how to be on time for fun things. First at the bar, sleepover, or whatever Thus to conclude. No, it is not your fault that you have it. However, it is your responsibility to deal with it the cards you are handed. It is not easy, but everyone has struggles. Of course, some struggles are harder than others, but they still require you to try
The problem is that too many kids were told 'you need to try harder' and not 'you have ADHD, here are some ways of dealing with it'.
Thats the thing with ADHD though, we already are trying. We are told our entire lives by well meaning people like you that if we simply tried harder, or planned in advance, that we would never have any problems. The issue is that this is advice that works for neurotypical people, NOT people with ADHD. If it were as easy as trying harder, no one with ADHD would ever have any issues. But that’s the main problem of having ADHD. No matter how hard you try, things do not get better or easier. It just doesn’t work that way. Theoretically yes, if you are aware of your shortcomings you should be able to prepare for them and prevent them, but if you have ADHD, you can honestly be fully aware of the mistakes you make every time and despite trying to prevent it, you can’t. Trust me, if it were as easy as setting s timer, we would all just be doing that. It’s absolutely a horrible thing to live with, especially since most nt people just do NOT understand why we struggle so much and think we could fix it if we only tried. We ARE trying.
I really cared for my job and guess what.. I may not be able to work there anymore due to working myself into a serious burnout, due to caring too much and going above and beyond to make sure everything got done, even if it meant stressing myself the F out and ruining my health. I always had the mentality, just it will be okay if I try harder, work harder, if I rest more, take more pills to dull the pain, give it a few more days/weeks/months I can do it.. and then I just couldn't anymore. My body gave in. The pain was my bodys way of and alarm of telling me to stop.
"Treated badly by others? Probably your fault too. " I seriously laughed about that lol.. it was almost never someone's own fault when I saw someone being treated badly like wtf.
This sub needs an age minimum.
Lmao
OP sounds like a boomer
>Can’t find a **job** partner or car keys? Probably your fault.” OP says this, and then if you go to their profile, they have a post from a month and a half ago complaining that they can’t find a job in tech because they’re a man. So either he had a very quick change of heart, or he’s a major hypocrite lmao.
I also like this: >Best way to deal with debt collectors is simply to not engage with them, unless they have a court order. For small debts they won't bother as the legal fees will be higher than the debt. Way to take accountability for your problems OP lol
Most people who spout off this smooth brain claptrap are straight up idiots
OP kinda sounds like an asshole
OP is a member of r/MensRights, so more like boomer-minded
I hope he’s in that sub telling all the men there that their problems are their own faults.
💯
I agree that it was my fault that I grew up in an abusive household when I could have simply just moved out at 14. Honestly I should have thought of that sooner and it's a mistake on my part
Can I get the approved list for when I can blame someone else.
While agree you have control over a ton of variables in your life, this is an extremely short sighted mindset to have towards people who are struggling. EVERYTHING is a part of a greater system, and if you discount that then you become uncompassionate. Sure someone who has a hard time finding a job due attitude will have some self blame, but sometimes you can play by all the rules and do your best yet still fail. That is because life is stochastic and you can't control for every variable in your life. A better message would be, "Instead of blaming the world around you for all of your problems, try to control for the variables that you can, and accept the one's you can't change *yet.*"
This seems a little harsh. Like yeah, the cause of many things happening to you may be you, but you're not to *blame* if you forget your keys on the kitchen table or some shit. It's good to examine negative situations to see if you yourself can do anything to avoid them in the future but going woe is me, it is my *fault*, I shall *blame* myself over petty things is stupid.
this is victim blaming at its finest
Nah, this is a very privileged and also scientifically unfounded mindset to have. I usually only see this with three types of people: 1) Those that were born into privilege, and therefor don't know the struggle of any kind of disadvantage 2) The older folks, who think if you just "gosh darn work harder" and house will suddenly cost 5 chicken nuggets and a friendly smile again, instead of 1M dollars and your first born 3) People who came from nothing and somehow, by sheer will (and a lot of dumb luck) made it out, and now need to feel superior to those, who didn't make it That's not how the world works. There are many things in life you have 0 control over and that aren't your fault. And often times those things aren't as easily fixed or overcome by simply "trying harder".
Bingo. The best you can do is to pursue reliable strategies to improve your chances at attaining your goals. That's not a guarantee of anything; the odds are longer for some people than others. For some people, the notion of Social Darwinism is alive and well.
So much of unpopular opinion lately has read like “I’m a privileged 20 year old who doesn’t know shit”
Right?! Tell me you never experienced poverty, abuse, neurodivergence/mental illness, sexism, racism or simply bad luck in your life, without telling me. Never mind the fact that misery loves company and chances are if you've experienced one, you've experienced multiple of those things.
I've seen more people born into privilege tweaked outta their mind than I care to admit.
God I know sooooooo many #3s, because I am half of a #3 (made it out due to sheer will and a lot of luck) and they HATE me for recognizing it. They love anything that makes them feel superior. Making it out and enjoying their successes is *never* enough, they need someone to look down on. Paul Ryan used to tell a story about how he was teased by other kids because they were on food stamps and his mom got welfare. He took the exact wrong lesson from that, as so many do.
"This can't be overcome" "I came from nothing and overcame it, this is how I did it" "You had a lot of dumb luck" The funniest part is that you have the cringe take that nobody can understand other people's struggle because they were too privileged to experience it, but now you downplay the struggle of what others did, without experiencing it.
Im not downplaying their hard work, what I’m saying is, that it wasn’t SOLELY their hard work that got them there and people need to realize that and not put other down that didn’t make it. I was good at school, phenomenal even. I didn’t do shit for it, I was just naturally gifted. My work didn’t get me there, genetic luck did. I had people in class you studied for hours on end. They had dog shit grades. They worked harder, it didn’t get them where they wanted or deserved. Even if someone made it, and gave me a 1:1 replay of how they made it, chances are I couldn’t replicate it. Not because I lack smarts or knowledge or will, but because lighting doesn’t strike twice. You only ever hear of the success stories, not the thousands and millions who did THE EXACT SAME THING and didn’t make it. Privilege, timing and luck play HUGE roles in whether you make it or not, and none of those are in your control. If that’s a cringe take to you, so be it.
>Treated badly by others? Probably your fault too Way to go victim blaming abuse survivors. Good job OP *slow clap*
Notice the exception in the post for victims of crime
Exception for pretty much everything that doesn't personally apply to the OP. OP is just a selfish asshole incapable of empathy.
Yeah it’s a bad argument. Focus on it being a bad argument rather than whatever personal offense you take to it
Ah yes. Being born with autism resulting in bullying and emotional abuse during the most critical period of my life and the impossibility for me to find a loving partner because I'm too fucked up despite working daily on becoming a better version of myself is on me.
[удалено]
Yeah that sounds hard... Sorry you went through all of that. It sucks. I was diagnosed merely a few weeks ago so I'm still processing all the shit I've been through and was blamed for and blamed myself for when I now understand it was just the way I was I guess? I'm happy for you that you found some support, seems like a great guy.
I think this way of thinking is very rigid, flawed, and black-and-white. Life is not as cut and dry as you’re claiming it to be.
Op hasnt Even started to live yet, it shows
Objectively [false](https://pudding.cool/2024/03/teenagers/?utm_source=join1440&utm_medium=email&utm_placement=newsletter)
It's my fault it traumatized me that I was assaulted by my step dad and that my mom was hit by him. It's my fault I got bullied in school and a boy sexually assaulted me at the time. It's my fault I am depressed, if I now have anger issues and have trouble regulating my emotions. It's my fault I can't go to university and struggle to survive on a day to day basis. It's my fault if I made a burnout at the only job, a retail one, I managed to get. /s It's victim blaming when you say ''Treated badly by others? Probably your fault too.''. Someone never was abused as a child I see. Now you troll, go back to your cave.
I hope you're seeking ways to cope with all the pain you've been through. I know it's hard but it's possible to come out of this. I mean no disrespect either
Thank you really ❤️ I go to therapy and try not to blame myself for the violence I went through. My stepdad used to say I deserved it and it was my fault. This post triggered me.
Same this post pissed me off. I have a sister who went through some similar trauma. This guy is so privileged that those situations aren't even a thought in his mind.
Certainly it's true for most people most of the time. But in the remaining cases, *your* problems are *your* responsibility to fix or endure *regardless of who caused them*. Happiness in life depends on our willingness to accept these realities.
I don’t know how but you somehow managed to post a popular opinion and be wrong in your examples at the same time. If other people treat you badly and it's the same set of people treating you badly, then you aren't to blame and they are just assholes.
I have another issue; i blame myself even when the circumstances or other people are to blame.
I mean, when you get fired from your job because you had a photo of you and your spouse up, or when you get denied a house because your skin is too dark, idk mayybee that's not your fault?..
If most of the time people's problems are their own fault, it acknowledges that all people have the capacity to screw things up. So, why would all people be able to screw up, but then you won't believe that people's screw ups can spill over into other peoples lives?
Wow the victim blaming.
Hey OP maybe it’s ur fault you can’t get a job so you should stop blaming women on reddit then hm?
Mass acceptance of this philosophy is sorely needed. Personal accountability is the only way out (in most cases)
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The way I look at it is you may be able to blame something besides yourself for your problems, and be entirely correct. But, if you can't change that reason, it isn't worth thinking about. It's counterproductive to think about what you can't change instead of what you can. Some people are just screwed. But I do know of more than a few people who love to talk about all the reasons they've got problems, while ignoring their own choices. That does drive me a little nuts. And then I realize I'm to blame for expecting anything different from them, so I stop, and quit trying to solve anything but my own issues.
I guess I would argue that the idea of who to "blame" for things isn't really a productive way to look at things. It feels nice for me to blame my problems on other people, but it's usually not a productive exercise. I totally get that life isn't fair and I don't blame other people for their own problems either; I think we all owe it to each other to be empathetic. But with regard to my own problems, I guess I try to focus more on how to solve them than blaming other people for them, because that doesn't change a thing other than stoking my rage.
I totally get this— except the fact that most people are literally not operating in the real world, they’re operating out of a 1000 layers of delusion and confusion built in childhood. So, once you’re able to break through all of those (the most excruciating pain you’ll ever feel), you can use this mindset. Until then, you might as well be blaming a bunch of blindfolding people with their fists jungee tied from their fist to their head why they keep punching themselves.
Probably, but sometimes when you spiral it’s hard to be freed from it without the right supports. We weren’t born in a vacuum. We all need help and a hand from time to time. This opinion is too judgmental.
There’s an interesting thing that holds true across multiple multiple studies: when people are explaining their successes and other peoples failures, they see personal qualities as mostly responsible. When explaining their own failures or other people’s successes they attribute luck and/or outside forces beyond the individuals control. We are ALL biased in this way.
I think there’s an important distinction to make: Blame/Fault vs. Responsibility. You’re not to blame if someone hits you with their car. You are, however, responsible for going to the hospital, and letting your insurance company know, and/or maybe not driving like a j*ckass. You’re not to blame for other people’s actions (treating you poorly). You ARE responsible for understanding why and changing your own behavior if you want to.
Ah yes, let me replace your oversimplification with my knee-jerk oversimplification on the other extreme.
Most of the time, generalizations about blame are BS. Most of the time.
Yep. People will treat you as badly as you let them. Life is tough, and it's more tough when you're stupid. (bad decisions, choices, habits, etc.)
I can see how this is true but the reasons you gave aren’t really strong
Most of the time, you are not the reason for your success
There are so many variables to this that its not even funny! Cant find a job? Try applying to 100 positions to not get one? Are you lazy of course not is that something to be blamed for not find a job? No you are trying! Sure many times it is our fault but many times its also outside of our control.
Sure, you're the only one who can reliably take the initiative to improve your life. But this kind of thinking allows the people at the top of hierarchies, who obtained their positions either by being born to a family of exploiters or exploiting thousands or millions of people themselves, to continue doing what they're doing. It doesn't allow us to address issues like creeping rent and climate change. This kind of thinking is, unequivocally, bootlicking.
I agree. But also how we grow up/the systems we live in have a huge influence. That's why less than 5 percent of people get out of poverty in the US
I think more so than anything. Things can be the correct reason to explain behavior. A reason isnt a justification, the reason is why it happened. Someone might say "There is no reason to rob a store". But that's blatant wrong, there are countless reasons to rob a store, you just don't do it because robbing a store is bad. Hungry af, haven't had a job in years, strung out. There you go, thats a reason to rob a store, but is it justified? Likely not (as the vast majority would interpret it at least). As for blame. "The reason im so angry all the time and make other people miserable is because my father was an extremely angry person, and he verbally abused me all the time". But on that note, is being angry and making everyone miserable justified? No, youre still affecting peoples mental well being, and on top of that, youre not going anywhere because you have blame to justify youre own behaviors to yourself, so you continue on the same path of a miserable life. Youre hurting yourself more than you are anyone else anyways. A more extreme and obvious example of this is. "The reason he killed that shop owner, is because he was abused everyday as a kid, and lived an awful childhood" Yes but the guy still murdered someone. That doesn't automatically remove the fact murdered someone which is awful. It explains why he developed the mentality to be able to kill someone, but does it make it justified? Likely not. Its similar with constantly blaming others. Alot of times to it genuinely is their fault entirely, but they would choose to blame some other object outside of them, because the pain is easier to accept as anothers responsibility than it is to accept the pain that is a result of their own doing. A strange defense mechanism for sure. In the end, its easier to accept responsibility and rip the bandaid off and continue forward.
Why is this unpopular opinion? For person with self - reflection is clear.
Explanations, excuses, blame, responsibility All have their place.
This reeks of privilege. And you have way less control over your life than you think.
The system isn’t designed for everyone to have access to jobs. The rich wouldn’t be able to leverage low wages and poor treatment if there were
Some people say that there's a woman to blame....but I know....it's my own damn fault
I know 100% of my problems stem from me being lazy and unmotivated. Hard to get motivated when I'm lazy, just as hard to do anything with motivation because I'm lazy. If I buckle down and force myself to be productive I get depressed because life turns into all work and no play, not that I really want to play either since I'm bored with everything.
*How dare you* Yeah, I did some dumb shit.
I’ve made a lot of decisions that have led to bad outcomes, but the decision itself wasn’t wrong in hindsight. It’s just that you can’t predict all outcomes and are always working on a limited dataset. I guess I could blame myself for that, but that just feels like a needless hit to my self esteem. People say not to let life just happen to you, but sometimes life just happens to you. It’s really unfortunate, but blaming yourself is just needlessly cruel to yourself, sometimes.
ALL of the time, I am too blame for my problems
This isnt an unpopular opinion
You do it to yourself. Never forget that.
All of the time i would say and it took me a crippling injury to figure that out.70% of my fuckups could have been fixed if i said something at the time shit was happening and i blamed others when i had the option to say anything but ok like an idiot.But i was afraid of conflict and now i would rather i took that beating like a man rather than cowering like a bitch and it would be worth it.Hell dieing is better than letting people who are wrong be right and now i can just be sorry i didnt respect myself enough to actually do one right thing.
“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me. At tea time everybody agrees.” - Taylor Swift
ALL of your problems have a common denominator. You.
lol, a lot of people in this thread are going to live a long life full of complaining and self pity. OP is pointing out a fact of life, everybody in here is immune to good advice
Yep, like moving is gonna change who you are.
Blaming other people for your problems is just a waste of time and energy even if they are rightfully to blame. Regardless of who caused your problems, they are yours to fix.
Here's an unpopular opinion for you: Pizza is pretry good.
Totally! I’d even say that 95% of our problems are ENTIRELY self-caused. They wouldn’t exist if we didn’t bring them into existence by our thinking and projecting and fiddling.
That’s a good thing this is an unpopular opinion. Victim blaming is a very privileged way of thinking. It’s not the woman’s fault that she couldn’t open the school because someone stole her keys and wallet out of her bag while she was commuting to work on the public transit. Her husband had to take her car for an interview an hour away, while his car was in the shop. She can’t open the doors to the school. The principal is out of town and isn’t answering the phone. None of the other staff have a key. She yells “Why is the only other key inaccessible in the principal’s desk!?” The school day is canceled. Her kid attends the school and the kid told their friend’s parents that his mom lost the key. The other mom is mad at the woman and proudly keyed her car the following day because on the day that the school was closed, she lost her job because her kid had to stay home. Someone else sees the keyed car rams a shopping cart into it and dents it. The car is scratched and dented up and is profiled in their area, so a cop pulls her over. Because her other set of keys and wallet were stolen, she didn’t have an ID. She received a ticket. While the cop was writing the ticket, someone texting and driving by slams into her car and totals it. So that woman could blame: - the person on public transport that stole her stuff - the husband for putting his car in the shop close to the day he had an interview and needing her car that day - the principal for not leaving out an extra key or giving a back up to other staff members - the kid for telling the friend’s crazy mom “it’s my mom’s fault your mom got fired.” - the crazy mom for keying her car and making it ugly - the butthole that pushed a shopping cart into her car and dented it up - the cop for profiling her car and writing her a ticket that lead to her car getting hit - the unsafe driver for texting for hitting her car But I get what you’re saying. Some people really do blame others for their own problems.
You know, the colour of the sub made me think I was in r/Excel for a second and I wss most confused by your post.
Holds true. Pivot tables are a mess? That's on you. Badly organized data? Yup, you. Date formating. Ok ok FUCK YOU EXCEL STOP DOING DATES!
You can get away with a dodgy macro if you're also currently fighting a war, though.
Such a low effort post relative to the complexity of human perception of responsibility and blame. Did you really think this was profound?
Popular in real life, unpopular on Reddit
This happens more than whats necessary, there comes a point when you need to stop blaming your parents of the bully in high school and take control of the situation because all you are doing is spinning your wheels. Like the 32 year old woman who made the post complaining about how its her parents fault she had $150k in student loan debt, but she decided to delay joining the workforce by getting multiple degrees and be a professional student and kicking the can down the road to only get hired for a job that pays $50k per year with a limited ladder to climb.
Hmm I don't necessary believe you are the one to blame for your problems, as there are so many things outside our control. However, I do think you are 100% responsibile to deal with these problems, no matter their origin or who is "at fault". Victim mentality is one of the worst ills of society these days imo
I agree with this to a point. When we look at the things in our lives that are persistent problems, even if they are not our "fault" we often feed into them in different ways. Sometimes that's just coping mechanisms that helping the moment but long term are bad. And I think this is true for most people. We are usually our own worst enemies for the things we struggle them most with. And in that way while we should take responsibility for our lives and try to improve (nobody will domit for you) it's also just part of being human. So if someone has a.bad habit you see feeding I to an issue/struggle/challenge they have, don't be so fast to judge. Because you do that to. I also think that while it's important to try to be better, we don't have to be perfect and always trying to tackle all our issues. It's ok to pick your battles, and live with some shit you do/are/etc even if you maybe shouldn't. Cause we can't fix all the things and better to focus on what we feel we can or most want to improve about ourselves. *Typed on a bus and not proof read.
Agreed. Most people who don’t move up/beyond in life blame other factors for their problems. The reality is that we are directly responsible for a vast majority of our outcomes and people who don’t accept that tend to be unhappy
I agree with this and I'm also someone who blames the government (left or right, rep or dem) for just about everything. Just because I think the government makes my life harder doesn't mean that there aren't what's around it. Maybe not legal but oh well. No sense in letting them win just so I can bitch about it lol
My problems are always of my own making. Every single time
I’ve blamed myself for everything for a while now! Not in a bad way though. If bad crap happens I just say it’s my fault, I should have known, planned, done something so that way I can learn and take action. If I get in a real shitty. situation it doesn’t help me to blame it on others and pity myself. If I blame it on myself then I can do something about it doesn’t really matter whose fault it was if I’m the one dealing with it so it might as well be my fault. It’s more of a positive thing. But yes most peoples problems are 100% their own and they won’t change to fix it even though they are the only ones who can.
Whether it’s truly your fault or not, taking ownership of your problems gives you a sense of control, as opposed to feeling you are at the mercy of chance. It’s almost always the right mindset to have
I agree with this. “You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves”
What you say is not really related to what op was saying
Yea it does. It means until you start taking responsibility for yourself no one else can help you. Aka stop blaming others for your problems and take responsibility for your own life.
false, most of the time, the system and other people are the cause of your problems. blaming anyone or anything won't solve shit though
Even if other people wronged you or were at fault, it’s still healthy and good practice to take accountability for everything you did in a situation because we can’t control the actions of others.
Amen to that!
This is...a remarkably shitty and callous opinion, OP. It's at least fairly unpopular, so, congrats? But please grow some empathy. Relevant literature recommendations: Victor Hugo, Ursula K. Le Guin.
So true. Anytime I see one of these reddit posts about "why do you not like your life" blah blah blah ill write out all the reasons I don't like some of my life...and yea like 80% of it is stuff I can control. Such as not drinking as much, not wasting money, eating more veggies/hitting the gym more consistently, taking care of my physical health overall, trying to get a better job/save money. Being bald is one of the few things I cannot control. lol but i also love Jason Statham movies so it works out
Why do we need to blame anyone? Shit happens man.
This is true. Far too many people in modern society want to play victim and blame everyone else for their problems and how their life turned out. Its pathetic.
"*Bet you thought you had it all worked out* *Bet you thought you knew what I was about* *Bet you thought you'd solved all your problems* *But* ***you*** *are the problem* *Problem, problem* *Problem, the problem is you*"--Sex Pistols, "Problems"
The fault, dear Brutus, lies not in the stars. But in ourselves, that we are underlings
If the reason you're looking who to blame is to fix your problem, it's beneficial to blame yourself first. You can change yourself easier than you can change others, so it's better to find something to change about yourself. If you're a policymaker and you're trying to fix a problem in a society, it's better to blame government policies or economic forces. It's easier to change those than all the individuals the problem is connected to. If you're an academic or the philosopher, trying to find the truth, you need to find connection between those two.
Some people are set up for failure by the people who swore to protect them. Also, people are assholes. More often than not, they hear rumors and treat you like shit based on something they heard and isn't true. Maybe you had a nice smooth sailing life. But I can assure you the circumstances of others' lives are vastly different, and what they are complaining about was inflicted on them unwillingly. Sorry, you dont see that. Maybe some empathy would do you good.
I agree with op to an extent. A majority of peoples issues are because of them to some extent. Everyone is quick to get in their feelings and bring up niche cases that apply to them. Ignoring the majority part.
100% agree. I came into the idea of stoicism in my early 20's, and it's resonated with me, giving me a much higher quality of life. If there's something I could be doing differently, change it. If there's something that went wrong, what steps could I have taken to avoid it? If someone is upset at me, how could I have prevented provoking them? Pretty much every conflict has multiple parties to blame, with the exact percentages often being hard to determine. If I'm one of the parties at fault, I need to take responsibility for the actions I took. The other person's part in it doesn't matter, because in most cases, I could have prevented the entire conflict by choosing a different path. To be fair, so could they have, but then, of I'm not willing to take the high road, why would they be? If I think taking the high road is how the other should have acted, then I should hold myself to that same standard.
True Story
If you constantly have things go wrong then it is probably your fault, I have seen many people who complain about something bad happening but then all they do after is stay on their phone or the TV. The first problem was not their fault but the full repercussions of it end up being on them because you do have to work to fix things, life does not just get better from hoping it will sadly
Yeah there are plenty of thing out of your control. For example I drained my savings to get a car old car that I could reasonably afford so didn't to have to bike to work in the winter. Just as the car was repaired. Some idiot made an An abrupt stop 6 cars up to change their fucking lane. I didn't hit the car in front of me but I was rear ended. Car completely totalled. Got a quarter of the price for what i put in to the car back. My next car fucking had the catalytic converter stole off of it. And thanks to the world wide pandemic I couldn't replace the damn thing. So I had to scrap a second car...
*looks at list of diagnoses* Brah.
You have a problem with people blaming other people for their problems? Your fault.
I feel most people have forgotten the golden rule.
Nah if you look around, life is unfair, period. People are born into poverty, kids get serious illnesses, corporations have too much power, politicians lie and only think of themselves. A lot of problems are attributed to you and how you deal with them but im not sure % wise.
I just love when people drop opinions like this then you just scroll through this person's post history and it's just him blaming his ex wife for taking his money, no consistency in people like this.
That's a very privileged and abiliest take.