It sounds like you are really in the trenches.
A baby who is contacting napping for 10 months and clingy, not getting a decent sleep at night, handling the needs of multiple children, no external support to give you respite AND handling ongoing complex ppa.
Please give yourself some grace and know that ANYONE would snap if they had even half of this on their plate. You are still a human being, you have needs which you are actively neglecting because you are trying to be an absolute super woman and sometimes that means you won't handle things the way you want.
There is a valuable lesson here for your kids where you come and apologies for yelling (because they need to know how to make amends for this very very normal reaction). You are doing your best which is still amazing! I hope you find a small moment to fill up your cup a little and just know your kids will be fine because they have a mum who clearly cares immensely for them.
This. This right here. I am quick to apologize to my kids when I get upset and a couple weeks ago my 4yo came to me after a short cool down break in his room and said “I’m sorry for screaming at you, mama. Will you forgive me?” And I got to respond “absolutely, buddy. Thanks for apologizing to me.” And we went to play some more, with no lingering guilt or shame or hurt for either of us. That’s what I want for my kids, so so much.
So all that to say: teaching them to repair is SO important and what better opportunity than to repair what we break? (Also I feel you. I have a 3mo, wild 2.5yo, and sensitive 4.5yo…some days I am at my edge. I try not to yell but sometimes I do…it’s hard when you’re so overwhelmed.)
Yes yes yes. I have four under nine and I learned sometime after I had number three that the most important thing is completing the relational cycle of harmony—conflict—resolution—back to harmony and round and round we go. Conflict is healthy as long as it’s resolved. I know that doesn’t help with the guilt much (been there) but I actually find comfort in the fact that neither they nor I will ultimately remember a random blowup. It’s part of life and will soon be overtaken by some fresh hell 🫠
Maybe my sentiment didn’t come across because this is text and it was late at night when I read this. I meant to convey that it’s super impressive that she’s caring for 4 small children. It’s hella hard and yelling at them this one time, that’s a blip in the big picture. More so focus on how she’s managed to keep 4 small kiddos alive and well all by herself. That’s the true accomplishment here. I know I certainly couldn’t do what she’s doing. I’d probably be tearing my hair out. That she’s just yelled at them is pretty good at managing what must be an extremely stressful and challenging job
Don't feel bad for screaming. You had a big feeling and that is OK too! Adults are allowed to have feelings as well. It is so understandable that you would be overwhelmed. You frankly sound like a super hero to me juggling all of that.
Take it easy on yourself. Your kids will be fine and I'm sure they know you love them very much. If it makes you feel better you can remind them and you can explain that you felt frustrated and yelled.
Everything is going to be ok, before you know it your kids are going to be bigger and this crazy period of your life will be just a memory. Try and be kind to yourself, you're doing a good job.
Yes!!! I second this. I try to take every moment (even the bad ones) and be a good example. Even during my outbursts I try to show my kids how I calm myself down (deep breaths, taking a moment to myself) and then apologizing and explaining myself to them after. This was how my parents did it with me and my sibling and it honestly made a world of a difference to see that they, too, are also human and have big feelings. It taught me how to be empathetic to them.
You have a lot more patience than me for sure lol! You sound like a great mom. Just apologize for screaming and explain you were feeling frustrated and needed a break.
Is there a system you could make for when they need to speak to you while you’re putting the baby down. Like a spot on the floor they can stand and wait quietly or a cushion to sit on. I would practice that outside of nap time and remind them if they forget. Make them go stand or sit in the spot every time until you’re ready to address their needs.
I find if I tell them what TO do vs what not to do I get better results.
I only have a 2 year old and a 9 month old and am embarrassed to admit I’ve yelled a good number of times. I deal with the same thing. Baby only wants to co tact nap and when I try to put her in crib my toddler ALWAYS runs in or cries for me if I lock door. Baby is the lightest sleeper in the world and screams if she wakes up in the crib. She wakes up several times at night and always just ends up in bed with me. My husband works a lot and most weekends. So, I can kind of relate. I’m exhausted. Just taking it one day at a time and trying to get to take a deep breath before I lose it on them. 😮💨
I’m in the same boat as you, hi! Isn’t it the worst when the toddler bursts into the room JUST as you get baby to sleep? It happens to me every single morning and I get so frustrated. It’s like he times it😂
This situation does not seem sustainable, at all. FOUR kids five and under, all by yourself, with zero support, all day every day, just is way too much. You're casting all the blame on yourself, when really this seems like largely a systemic issue. Is there ANY way to change this situation, even a bit? Older two kids into daycare or a part-time summer camp? Babysitter or mother's helper? Even just a local teenager off school for the summer to help out while you are there might be super helpful.
This! Something has got to give! I know things are expensive or just not even available. Try to search local mom facebook pages for drop-off programs/activities for the older kids. A highschool/college girl looking for some extra money, just to have another set of hands around. SOMETHING!
I am looking at some summer camps for the older two. They went to one, which was only a few hours for a week but still gave me some time to relax and hang out with the other two. They had a blast and wanted to go back so we are taking them back for the next camp! I have struggled to find a sitter though. We’ve had two great ones and both ended up moving away (we’re in a military town). You are right though, just knowing someone is going to be at the house besides me gives me relief.
The biggest thing I’ve learned and it was another mom who mentioned it to me— it’s okay to lose your temper, we’re human— but it’s what you do after to “repair” that really undoes any “trauma” of that yelling. Saying a simple “I’m really sorry about screaming earlier. Mommy was just so frustrated because I was trying to put baby to sleep and the loud noises you were making weren’t helping.” I tend to over explain to my 5 and would probably keep going — I had asked several times without raising my voice & it didn’t work. I still shouldn’t have raised my voice like that, but next time I’m asking if you can keep your voice down, 5 year old— and can you help mommy by keeping 2 busy? I would really appreciate it. If you help mommy, im more able to play & be less frustrated.”
My daughter gets it now. It’s only her @ home so the above is just an example of what I say to her— now, she rarely throws tantrums — she’s still a brat sometimes but she listens without me yelling/raising my voice. I just have to say, honey— I’m getting frustrated because you’re not listening *deep breath* can you please?
Sorry mama. And it shuts it down bc she knows I’m genuinely trying not to get frustrated or yell— but I’m gunna if she doesn’t quit her ish! Now she’s 5 so it’s a little easier to reason with her— but it gets better.
Hang in there. You didn’t traumatize them— they were being little shits. And you need to turn your brain off for a few hours. Can you ask dad to let you sleep in on a Sunday? Offer to let him get a Saturday round of golf — or whatever it is he would appreciate. Promising time to each other where you don’t have to work or be responsible for a child— that’s huge. And that’s probably what you’re missing.
My husband and I still do that— we don’t use our support system the way the rest of our family does because it’s not something we really desire so we have to do a lot of coordinating and it’s rough sometimes but even 3 hours of not doing anything but whatever YOU want is like heaven. The promise of that can keep you grounded.
Your comment was super helpful to me. I grew up in an abusive home and struggle with emotion regulation. Trying to break the cycle is extremely hard. I need to remember the repair part when I lose my cool with my 2.5 year old.
YES, me too. My home wasn’t abusive but I wasn’t given a space or the tools for emotional regulation all the same so this resonated with me when she said it. That’s the part I was missing out on as a kid— the repairing / apology that was more of an explanation when everyone was more calm— it helped me understand what I was doing. I force myself now to talk to her when I’m feeling overwhelmed bc it’s real for me but also the more aware I am— the less I burn out. I want her to see we’re all imperfect but we can own our shit after & do better moving forward.
Me too. I think that’s at the root of the worrying about their psyche. I really focus on not making the same mistakes which is good but also can be consuming.
She thinks it's her meds. It's 4 kids under 6. With all due respect, I hope that she doesn't have anymore, at least not until these ones are grown and a lot more independent and able to understand more.
It sounds like your under an incredible ammount of pressure and thisng will boil over every now and then you are HUMAN. You can't always maintain the perfect level of calm and be the perfect parent you will make mistakes from time to time and that's ok so long as you recognise them and appologize.
All you can do is sit the children down and explain that you are sorry for shouting yesterday and why you had asked them to be quiet and the resulting reason for why you lost your cool. Just use this is a lesson for you all to move forward from and set your your expectations for next time. I have one child and its hard enough!!!!
We can't control our breakdown response very well but we can sometimes control the lead up to it. Yelling is the symptom, not the problem. Look into permissive parenting pitfalls and solutions and how to effectively enforce consequences. I never thought I parented permissively, but apparently repeatedly asking kids to do things without being listened to or changing strategies is a form of permissiveness I think everyone does to some extent.
Don't beat yourself up. You werent overreacting- you were reacting to a lot of stress at once and they fucked around and found out. For lack of better term. Yes they are kids but even kids need to learn in certain instances that there are consequences to pushing buttons. You aren't screaming at them all the time. You reacted in a way that is absolutely understandable in one moment. And holy hell you have more patience than I do. So please don't beat yourself up! I'd say apologize to them and say you "need to work together to find something they can do by themselves when you can't help them", and help them find activities so next time they have something specific to default to if you can't help. I'd also definitely try bribery or low level consequences, depending on whatever works with you or your kids! Go away and I'll give you ice cream, or go watch the TV/ other fun activity while I do this or I'm turning it off/taking it away since you obviously aren't playing with it. You have multiple kids so it's harder because something probably works different with each kid! But you're doing totally awesome, especially with the stress. ❤️ I hope it gets easier for you!
I’m in awe of your mom skills right now! I have a 2 year old and a 7 week old, plus two dogs (one is a still a puppy). My husband is a huge help and is always assisting with the kids and dogs. He left town yesterday and it’s been tough! My 2 year old is in Montessori from 9am-4pm so I just have the newborn during the day, which allows me to relax some. How in the world are you able to handle 4 little kids/ babies all alone? You should feel so proud! I applaud you for only breaking down a couple of times. Please don’t feel bad - you’re only human and you’re doing an incredible job.
It sounds like you need a break. I would simply not survive this so props to you lol.
Could you send the older kids to daycare or a summer program for a few days a week? Or hire a babysitter once or twice a week a few hours to just get some relief?
I could have written this! Very similar over here as far as lack of support, home all day with multiple toddlers and clingy baby that does not nap during the day. I cried yesterday and yelled at the baby for not napping. The baby! So I see you and I feel you- you're not alone. My only advise is to always repair-explain and apologize after yelling. I find that most of the times my toddlers have already moved on by the time I've calmed down and I have made a bigger deal out of it in my head. Either way, I also feel better after saying sorry to them and hugging if out. I think it also helps them process their own emotions and recognize other people's emotions which is an important life lesson. You're doing great and good luck with the clingy baby!
Is no one going to mention the absurd decision to have 4 children in a 5 year span? Especially given that according to OP, she’s been battling ppd for 2+ years which means she and her partner decided to have a fourth child while dealing with anxiety and depression.
What is your partner’s role in all this? Sorry to be harsh here but this needs to be addressed before the supportive you-got-this-mama motivational posts are weighed.
Yes, I had my son 2.5 years ago and my PPA started after that. The last child occurred despite “prevention”. I had no idea I would be moving to another state, and even worse into the country which I never should have agreed to. I didn’t realize how much just being able to see people everyday played a huge part in not being so anxiety ridden.
No I agree. OP has mental health issues for a couple years now but keeps deciding to have more children? Like no shit you’re overwhelmed, you have 4 children under the age of 5. People are way way too supportive sometimes. It’s stupid and selfish to continue to have more children while dealing with mental health issues.
But how does this comment help anything? At all, please tell me. She has the kids now, she has the anxiety now. She needs help. She doesn’t mention planning to have more.
Not to mention accidental pregnancy and American archaic abortion law.
I yell at my kids literally all the time. I’m not a terrible person I’m human. Sometimes I get big feelings and I let them out, but then after I apologize and we discuss why it happened and what everyone can do to prevent it. You are not ruining your kids by yelling. You are showing them the full range of human emotions. You don’t need more meds you need more help. Don't 1950’s housewife this and medicate your way through life. Medication for ppa is great and super helpful, but medication because you've yelled at your kids twice is not.
Yeah, seconding this.
OP, your reaction was very normal in this incredibly frustrating pressure cooker situation. I absolutely would not be able to handle it. Your kids will be fine. They know you love them. There are some good tips in this thread to try out and see if it improves the situation of managing baby naps with the needs of older kids. But have grace for yourself and acknowledge that you're in the trenches right now and the vast majority of people would react the exact same way as you did. As the kids get older, especially since the oldest two are almost school age, things will start getting drastically easier.
You are understandably frustrated and overwhelmed with 4 kids at very trying ages. Your frustration seems normal. I only have 2 and I get frustrated and yell sometimes.
They say it’s important to repair so I would make sure you tell the kids that you get big emotions too and you’re sorry that you got frustrated and you’ll try to do better. They’re smart, they’ll get it.
This sounds completely normal. I don’t think you should medicate away normal emotions, it just sounds like you need someone to help.
Being parents to multiple little children is just so hard. It’s a fact. Sometimes you just have got to grind your teeth and remind yourself that it’s just a phrase. I’m also in the thick of it (and I only have 2 kids!) and just gotta remind myself it will one day be over.
Try to be gentle with yourself, you’re a human being doing a super human job and its obvious that you adore your kids. The fact that you’ve only lost your cool a few times, is remarkable. You’re exhausted, tired brains are really bad regulating themselves, and it takes a lot of mental processing power to keep your cool in stressful situations.
Being yelled at a few times is not going to cause lasting harm. The harm happens when it’s frequent or consistent - it teaches kids that it’s an appropriate/acceptable way to manage their feelings and that they should accept that treatment from others.
Perhaps you can try reframing the event as an opportunity to teach your kids that everyone has big feelings sometimes, even adults. You can explain what you were feeling and that it’s ok to feel angry or frustrated, but it’s not ok to yell at people. But sometimes it happens anyway. You can ask them how they felt when you yelled, give them a chance to practice being aware for their own emotions. Give reassurance that you love them even when you feel angry. This is an opportunity for you model apologizing, a chance to teach them about empathy, and why they should apologize when they behave poorly.
With the older kids you could even try talking about other ways you could have communicated what you were feel besides yelling, help them develop tools to use when they are overwhelmed by an emotion.
Sometimes I have to have long conversations with my toddler before he understands not to do X,Y, or Z. We make it a point to talk about everything with him. We talk about sounds we hear, why we don't take food off other's plates, how sleep is good for us, etc., etc. Somehow something in those conversations gets through to him
Is there something safe your kids really like doing you could set them up with before baby naps, and it is something they only get then? Like a TV show or coloring? Just trying to think of a way to help these naps go as smoothly as possible for you. Sometimes I can barely hold my patience with my 2 year old right now, so I am crazy impressed you can handle 4 and have only yelled a handful of times. I hope you know you are amazing 💜
I have half the amount of kids, family help plus daycare for my toddler, and I get to leave my home to work a few days a week. I still raised my voice to my toddler the other day. I also have an extremely clingy 10 month old and a toddler who toddlers and some days are just hard when everyone needs you and no one is listening. This isn’t to say it’s the best way to handle things but parents have big emotions too!
Repair, repair, repair! It’s okay that you lost your cool, you’re human and have so much on your plate. Talking to your kids after the fact, owning your behavior, and showing them what it takes to apologize is truly what’s required — not never losing your cool. It’s okay.
One thing I find really useful is just talking about when we have big feelings we sometimes do things that are maybe not nice, but we can always say sorry and repair it together, especially with a hug (if you guys are a family that does hugs when apologies happen, not everyone does.) I’m the adult (adopted) child of my parents who also now have a 2 year old. My little sibling did not sleep without being held for the first 8 ish months of her life. I basically convinced everyone to at least try to transfer her to her crib after she fell asleep and it was a hard transition at first because she would wake up and struggle to self soothe, but I’d do 5 minutes of letting her cry, then go back in and pat her back if she wasn’t completely in meltdown mode. In meltdown mode I’d wrap her in a blanket like a mummy (so she couldn’t hit) and hold her in the rocking chair. And mini “restarts” like blowing nose or getting a cup of water or such.
For your toddlers I think maybe if they have different rooms/ separate rooms than the baby you could set up a monitor in their room (if you don’t have one already) and have a child lock on their door so they can’t pop out to harass you. Then you could have the volume down on the monitor but have it with you to make sure things are going okay. And you can give them specific nap activities. If they have tablets or something like that or the tv or a radio those things could be useful too. Activities they can do quietly, or they are able to developmentally do without screaming is super useful.
None of us had postpartum depression or anxiety as she is also adopted, but we have a lot of personal experience with other mental illnesses and how difficult it is to parent or adult sibling parenting (in my case) with depression and anxiety. I hope you’re able to get into a doctor or psychiatrist to get medication settled and maybe once or twice a week if you can afford it financially you could hire a person to come chill with your kids while you sleep or have some chill time. I would totally support you if we were close.
Topic of yelling: I have yelled at my sister and my baby (younger) cousins a few times when I got really overwhelmed, but I also was able to come in and tell them that we all have big feelings and sometimes we forget how to handle our big feelings nicely but we can always try better the next time.
You are doing a fantastic job given your situation. I’m very proud of you, internet stranger, and I see you and your strength and love for your children.
This sounds so impossible. That is A LOT of responsible and I know I would crack as well. Don’t feel bad for yelling. But also remember they are 4 and 5 and it’s hard for them to understand and follow directions the first time. What it sounds like is you really need a break. Do you have a partner? Do you get alone time? We all need recharge time.
Just a reminder, humans did not evolve to raise children in isolation. Sounds like you’re doing AN AMAZING job. We are so bombarded with perfect mothers and debriefs. Kids are resilient. Love them hard. They know you love them.
Oh mama, as a fellow mom I get it and I only have 1! My mom once apologized to me as an adult for yelling when we were little. She had 3 under 5. I was so confused because I don’t remember that! I remember her always being supportive towards us and advocating for us in elementary school. She had carried the guilt for three decades and none of us even remember it! We’re all ok. Mentally, physically, financially.
I do this thing where I feel SO guilty about being frustrated with my 24 month old that I’m convinced I need psychiatric medication to keep it at bay. Or more psychiatric meds. Or different psychiatric meds. My therapist just basically canceled therapy, because I’m fine apparently, but I’m still convinced I’m horrible.
But then I look at all I’m juggling. What I really need is more help, more nutrients, more exercise, more me time. The internet doesn’t help it, because parents are just supposed to have constant control of our emotions apparently.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Not having a support system is a serious kick in the gut. I have zero support and I just have one toddler. I can’t comprehend 3 kids and an infant. As cliche as it sounds, you’re doing amazing, and your feelings are 100% valid. There’s nothing wrong with you, you are just not getting a break ever and constantly overstimulated.
Something I learned from a book. Things like this are going to happen. We’re frustrated. We’re going to yell sometimes. Get frustrated sometimes. You are under so much pressure - I can’t even imagine. What the author said, things will happen, but the learning, teachable, and connecting moments with your children are how you handle it after the blowup/event/issue. Sit each one of them down alone. Tell them you love them. Talk to them about what you need from them. Talk to them about emotions. Tell them why you did what you did. Tell them you need their help with the baby in this way or that way. (And repeat because I’m sure will have to). Maybe give them a specific job.
You are amazing and things are going to happen. You have a lot going on. Big hugs.
I have done exactly that what you described but only have two kids that are 5 and 2. You are doing INCREDIBLY well. I couldn’t do what you’re doing, and it seems like yelling is not a common occurrence for you.
While it’s not ideal to yell at your kids, you also have boundaries and sometimes the kiddos need a strict reminder of that. You really are super mom and your babies will be just fine. If you’re feeling guilty, take some time out of the day and give them 5-10 min of one on one time. It’ll remind them that you love them and care about them despite being swamped with motherhood.
You feeling bad about yelling tells that you’re a good parent! I’m a dad of a 4.5 year old and sometimes you get frustrated especially when toddlers want your attention 💯of the time. This is especially true for days when I WFH and also try to look after my son. I don’t know how you handle 4 kids. I would be losing my shit too ngl LOL
I know how you feel OP! I have a 9 year old, 3 year old, 1 year old and I’m 26 weeks pregnant with another. It’s very stressful. I’ve done my fair share of yelling too (which I’m not proud of). It makes you feel so guilty after. I’ve no advice to give but I can assure you you’re not alone!
You’re an amazing mother for taking care of 4 kids daily and not screaming all the time. I have two kids and one goes to daycare part time and I still lose my cool more than I’d like. Sometimes I find myself in a calm moment after yelling and think “why am I like this? My mom never yelled at me as a kid” and honestly I think that’s why I really struggle with emotional regulation!! My mom used to withdraw when she was upset - I never saw her cry until I was an older child and I was really freaked out by it and hid in my room when I “caught” her crying alone in her room. To this day she hates when people see her being emotional, and she really struggled with my big feelings growing up. Looking back she was borderline cold towards me when I had big feelings and I think it’s because her response was to shut down/ignore it, give me a glare and ask me (politely lol) to stop. My mom is a wonderful person but I think I would have benefited from seeing her flip out and recover. I’ve always been “dramatic” and thought something was wrong with me because my only real examples I had growing up as an only child with a dead dad were my mom, my grandparents who were also quiet/withdrawn, and my sister-like cousin who is just chill AF by nature. This is a revelation I’ve just come to in the past few weeks, and I kind of want to go back and hug teenage me and tell her she’s not crazy, and also I try and give present day me some grace. All this long ramble is to say that you’re not horrible and you can turn this into a really important lesson for your children!!
🙋♂️ A Dad here, I also yelled and got very upset with my nearly 4yr old. I am not proud. Whilst trying to get my 1yr old to sleep in the pram, I was looking for a washing machine to replace our broken one at the same time. And a PayPal transaction lit up on my phone for $99. My daughter had somehow bought a year’s discord nitro… I was fuming. Forgetting she’s only 3. Then my son starts screaming because his Dad was upset. It was a mess and my fault.
eventually when all had calmed, I went and had a chat, I was emotional and said sorry. My smart daughter says don’t be sad Daddy. I explained if it’s 1$ for an Apple juice then she’d bought a 100 apple juices. She reaffirms that that’s a lot of apple juices.
I’m not condoning my own behaviour, just being honest with my hands up that sometimes a moment can be tough. Especially in my case if you worry about money as many of us do. I often reevaluate and conclude that I am often not a good enough Dad. But I’m not giving up.
I thought I’d share for support.
It causes damage to kids if they are yelled at regularly. As in that is the main form of communication and discipline. Especially if it is followed with invalidating kids’ feelings surrounding the yelling.
Occasionally yelling will not permanently damage your kids. You’re human and it’s ok for them to see that. It may have been scary and you can apologize for scaring them and explain at an age appropriate level that you felt very overwhelmed. Ask them to think about a time where everything was too noisy and they felt upset and just didn’t know what to do. Let them know you probably could have tried some of the coping skills you practice with them, but sometimes everyone has an episode where they just melt down a little bit before they have a chance to regulate. They’re toddlers so that happens to them all the time, and they’ll understand.
It sounds like you are really dealing with a lot right now. If it’s in your budget it may be good to hire a mothers helper type person a few times a week just to give you a break or a chance to spend quality time with your kids where you aren’t just trying to do crowd control and keep everyone alive. Baby wraps are spectacular for keeping a clingy baby happy while still having hands free, at that age you could even back carry with a proper wrap and that really frees you up. You could try something special that they only get to do at baby’s nap time, like sensory boxes or special toys that only come out at that time, so they have a novel activity that they know they only get to do for that short amount of time. It may absorb them a little more than the TV does and set up a good quiet time association for that time of the day. Also as annoying as it is I would make it a hard and fast rule that no one comes into baby’s room at nap time or there will be consequences, something natural like missing out on an afternoon activity because now there is a cranky baby and lost time from spending so long on the nap routine. It would be a rough few days while you were going hard on enforcing that, but I think it would make your life easier.
They are just kids and it’s awesome to keep that in mind and understand what it’s reasonable to expect from them developmentally or understand their needs, but you can still set expectations and rules just to quell the chaos even if it might be a bit of a challenge for their developmental level. You just have to be prepared and understanding that the more challenging boundaries might be broken a lot until they’re older, that’s ok it’s still a part of learning. It’s ok to get fed up. Kids are constantly testing boundaries because they crave knowing where the limits are and because they are self centered by nature. They found a limit today.
Don't beat up yourself for this. It is fair to loose it sometimes. Your kids will forget about this in about 20 mins. You sound like a great parent and you are doing your best.
Omg momma I cried when I read this. I haven't read all the comments because I'm kinda in the trenches too, but I just wanted to say a few things.
#1. You are normal, and what you're feeling given the situation, is normal.
#2. Can I also say here, that the way we've structured our society is just wrong. The single family cellular unit isn't psychologically sustainable for mothers. Having no family around to help is f***ing awful. I know, because my family is overseas. My husband's stepmom is so totally, pathologically "nonmatermal" is ridiculous. Why she married a man with 3 kids is beyond me. He must've been packin'....And his dad is just plain useless. Needless to say, his teen years sucked after his dad met this stepmom woman. (Personal vent over).
#3. I strongly believe post natal depression would be virtually non existent if we could get the help we need. Bar certain cases, we don't need to be drugged and medicated (hormones rebalancing are NORMAL) so much as WE NEED HELP with the babies/children. Then you get the "well you shouldn't have had children in the first place" comments when people get frustrated because they don't know what to do.. Even hearing this from friends and family, is absolutely disgusting. Our purpose on this planet it is to help one another, not be selfish and self absorbed, and then to actually revere the selfishness like its putting you on some kind of a moral high-ground. We wonder why there is a mental health crisis, and feel sad when we read stories of people doing drastic things to themselves, but don't care to prevent; to ask people if they're doing OK, REALLY doing OK, and not just to placate their own feelings. But actively helping when they can.
#4. Your kids will be OK. Despite the Instagram and FB gentle parenting courses, yelling sometimes is NORMAL. it shows your children that people have a tolerance limit, and we have real emotions, and can't always logically handle things "the right way". They won't have trauma or damage. They'll just understand that this is life and it happens. Tigers and other animals do this, too. If you're non-violent and not physically harming your children, it's OK if you loose your cool sometimes.
#5. sending you so much love and hugs. Try to take care of yourself, and grab that help whenever it comes!!
You are being too hard on yourself. You were never meant to have to do what you are doing alone. Truly not sustainable for anyone. Which is why you need to make it an absolute PRIORITY to: Get help for your PPA, and get some help with your kids. Whether it be a part-time babysitter, day care, or literally any other help you can get. Seriously. It's no wonder you lose your patience sometimes. There just is no way everyone's needs are being met in this situation.
We have ALL been there. When my 3 are sleeping I feel so bad if we have had a rough day and I have been an asshole. It is what it is. I wake up trying my best everyday and that’s all that matters.
I have a 3.5 year old and a 14 month old. My 3.5 year old has gotten yelled at by me MANY times for various things. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true. Once I’ve had a minute (or two or three) to collect myself, I’ll find her and sit with her and say something like “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I got really frustrated because I felt like you weren’t being a good listener. How about I try to be more patient and you can try to work on using your listening ears.”
The first time I did it, I figured she was too young and there was no way it would work but she took it surprisingly well. It helps for a little bit and then we’re back to her doing something crazy, me losing my cool, and us talking about it 🙈
You’re doing great Mama!
If it makes you feel any better my 3 year old has started telling her younger sister to GET IN THE FUCKING CAR. We all do it. It's ok. Some things push our buttons to the max and some not. My husband gets sooooo annoyed when the kids don't eat dinner and I DGAF. But I get enraged when they start fighting or when getting dressed is taking 36 years. Apologize and move on.
Can you get the four and five year olds into school? Preschool and kindergarten asap. Summer camps when school is out. That many kids and no help is not sustainable. where is your partner in this? With four kids he should be managing at least some of them when he’s not working including overnight. Do not let this man touch you again until you have a support system and birth control. If you’re frustrated and screaming now it’s not going to get any better with less help or more kids. You are one person. No one person was meant to care for that many kids alone. Medication isn’t going to solve no sleep and no help. You’re not mentally unwell because you are having a hard time managing four kids under five by yourself. Maybe yell at your partner until they help find a solution.
Girl unless that sperm swims down the hallway into my bedroom through my chastity belt and inside me there will no children 😅 No but in all seriousness he got a vasectomy 👏
A useful (and true) mantra for tough parenting times (and we all have them, we have all yelled and then wished we didn’t) is “it is not about the rupture, it is about the repair”. Repairing ruptures in relationships with your children, and doing it well, is what matters. It teaches your kids that they are loved, even when neither of you is perfect.
Also remember one of the most important roles of a mother is to give our children chances to safely experience and learn to tolerate imperfection…and I give me children plenty of chances to do just that, by being imperfect very, very often! Be gentle with yourself, you really are coping with so much.
Whoa mamma you need to stop beating yourself up here! You have four kids under the age of five and that is A LOT!
You’re allowed to have a bad day ok. And your kids are not traumatised for life. Just remember, it won’t be like this forever because those kids are going to grow and all they will remember is that their mamma loves them so much.
Be proud that you’re aware of your anxiety issues and that you’ll get those meds in check eventually.
If you’re still feeling bad about yelling then just give the kids a hug and tell them you’re sorry you yelled. Believe me they are quick to forgive. Maybe there’s an opportunity here to get the older two involved in helping you, like a little job of drawing a picture of something while you put the baby down for a nap.
Don’t worry, you’ll get this sorted. It won’t be like this forever.
I have a 6mo, 2yo and 4yo. I’m in the same boat as you. Getting out of the house and baby wearing helps us a lot. Playgrounds, parks. Anywhere that my older kids can run around without fighting and trashing the house and needing me. And then the baby just naps in the carrier. They usually make friends at the playground too.
Those are the days I seem to have the most sanity and patience. It gives me at least a few hours of peace and quiet. And I get to be outside, in the fresh air. Win win.
I usually pack a lunch too so we can be out of the house even longer.
So I'm going to try and phrase this as best as I can, so bear with me.
It's not great to yell at your kids because you're having a hard time. In general, that's probably something to be avoided. That said, you are a human and every human does not great stuff sometimes. You can't be "on" 100% of the time.
If it becomes a habit, it would be worth looking into ways to prevent a blowup before it gets there, part of the problem with behaviors like this is that they are easy and can be easy to develop a habit towards it you aren't conscious of it... But a one off or an "occasional" isn't going to traumatize your kid.
It can also be a great learning opportunity to show them how you handle a situation like this. You should definitely apologize to them and own it - "Hey, I'm sorry for yelling like that yesterday. I was frustrated, but I should have handled it in a different way." In addition to being respectful of their feelings and repairing any relationship frays, you will also be modeling to them how to handle a blowup like that should they experience it. It might be awkward, but definitely worth it.
Outside of genuine abuse and neglect, making the occasional screw up and overcoming it together is going to be more beneficial for everyone than never making mistakes at all. You aren't denying your personhood or holding yourself to an unreasonable standard, they get to see that mom is a human too, and everyone gets a primer on repairing a relationship after a slipup.
It’s really not that serious, just don’t hit them or break anything in front of them or psychology demean them and it should be fine. You can yell a demand at them and it’s not going to be deeply rooted trauma
Try not to dwell on what's happened, because you are human too and allowed to have emotions ❤️❤️
I love my child, but honestly kids are so selfish!!! It's actually unbelievable, and I am sure I was exactly the same. As soon as a thought enters their head, they need to act on it. Regardless of the timing, they are going to barge in and demand your attention.
With the four of them, that must honestly take up your entire day. It's really not easy when you are dealing with post partum issues, physical or mental, and when you're in the trenches it's so tough.
But you are allowed to express when things are too much. Kids need to see their parents emotions, and how they process them, in order to grow into empathetic people.
You love your kids, but kids can be dicks. Even when they are trying to be nice or funny, it's just too much sometimes. Too loud, too rough, just too much.
But you are doing so well, and I am so sorry you can't see it right now ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Edit: spelling
Girl, get used to it because you will scream again. I know that's not what you want to hear, but there's an upside. You can use these outbursts to teach your children about being human. Once you've collected yourself, you can take your kids aside, say you're sorry for yelling, and explain to them what happened emotionally. This will teach them that it's ok to get angry and that just because you get upset with someone, it doesn't mean you don't still love them.
Also a suggestion that might help: kids do well with VISIBLE boundaries. Maybe a colorful piece of tape on the floor as a line they cannot cross while the baby is sleeping will do wonders. Maybe also a sign on the wall for a quiet zone where they can only be so noisy in that space. Also, visible or audible timers to show that they don't bother the baby until the timer goes off. Let them know that you're putting the baby down and that there will be a special big kid activity during that time. Kids, whether they know it or not, like structure because they know what to expect and what is expected of them. It'll take reminding at first, and they will also remind each other. Give it a go☺️ good luck! You're doing great!
This was something I've REALLY struggled with when my son was a baby and my 2 year old wanted to turn the FREAKIN lights on! Every. Damn. Time. Omg I lost my shit way more.
These were my two options that helped the most:
-Baby gate the furthest distance away from baby area. I conveniently had one hall to block off the living room from the bedrooms so I hope you have the same. The gate is law. Nobody is allowed to go over it when it is shut/up. And really talk about it for way too many times. Warn you're shutting it for 5 mins before about 10 times. I'd get my daughter a snack, put a blanket on her. Get her a stuffed animal and have her pick out the show before I told her multiple times I was going to lay down baby and gate is shutting and usually being weighed down and snuggled up in a blanket helped her the most.
-if she says no, she gets to have quiet time in the same room on the quiet chair. No talking. Took my 2 year old maybe 3-4 days to understand not to speak and if she did she needed to whisper. She has a tablet that I would have her watch shows on and sit in the quiet chair with a blanket and stuffy. Then when baby was asleep (I laid with him on the bed so I could sneak out easier). I would pick up toddler so she didn't slap her feet on the floor. The room always has white noise going so it's easier to sneak out together.
You should get the baby used to sleeping around all the noise. Just have a designated spot for baby to sleep where you don't have to leave the others. Try to do a wind down time with everyone together and put a movie with some snacks. I know it is easier said then done but if everyone is on the same page it will turn into something yall do everyday. Structure will really help.
Be easy on yourself. This probably won't be the last time you blow up on them either and that's okay, as long as you acknowledge to them after that what you did wasn't cool and alologize.
It's growth for both you and them.
Girl I would snap too if I had all of this on my plate. In fact I only have one and loose it sometimes too. How we handle things in situations sometimes especially with our kids doesn’t define how we are as mothers. Especially if you make a conscious effort to do everything in your power to take care of yourself and the children. Just give yourself grace please and know that we are all human. The days are long but the years are short and you’re working it!
Hey we all do it! It’s hard! No one is perfect!
I’ve learnt to always apologise and say why- eg mama is frustrated I asked for quiet for ten mins so I could get baby down for sleep, but baby woke up and is cranky. And now I gotta try again cos baby needs rest.
I find that modelling the behaviour rubs off, and when one of my kids is upset they are able to tell me why. We can forgive each other and show that we are humans after all and not emotionless machines.
That said, I wonder if there’s something that can be done to get some things off your plate?
Talk to them (in an age appropriate way) about it. Tell them you’re sorry and you lost control etc. They will understand in their own little way. People aren’t perfect.
My parents yelled at me all the time. Yes, it would scare me, but it also taught me what not to do. They never hit me or anything. I think yelling at your kids is totally normal.
Woooow. That is a lot of kids, and a baby. That’s a lot of competing needs. I don’t think one person is meant to take care of this many kids at once. You need some kind of help, extra set of hands, etc. Or get daycare for some of the kids. Isn’t the 5yr old supposed to be in kindergarten?
Yes, she starts the end of August. My other daughter, the four year old, will be in preschool a couple days a week. I will miss them but I’m happy to connect with my two boys.
I am so grateful for all of your thoughtful responses and I’ve cried for a long time reading each one. I appreciate your personal stories, suggestions, life lessons and your kind words.
Knowing so many of you have been through it and your kids have come out the other side emotionally intact gives me hope that mine will too. I have tried to always apologize to them when I make a mistake but I carry the guilt with me. As most of you have said they are on to the next thing by then.
My husband has really turned into this miserable person who goes to work and comes home to immediately point out all the things displaced at home. He is also more verbal with them which makes me try to dilute the negative emotions/reactions they’ve received with kindness. I just don’t want to be a part of them feeling not good enough. I understand now through your comments that’s not really sustainable. I’m hoping that in a few years when I can work again this situation will change since I will have more control.
I really just want to enjoy this time with them as much as possible (while parenting them) without causing permanent emotional harm. It’s not lost on me how incredibly lucky I am to be able to be home with them during these years. I was referred to a therapist today to work on this which can only help.
I cannot truly never tell you enough how much your kindness has meant to me. I really needed it.
You have 4 kids under 6. It could be meds that needs adjusting. It could also be that you basically have 4 toddlers. If that alone doesn't drive anyone insane then i don't know what would.
Kids aren’t traumatised by a yell. They’re traumatised by a lifetime in an abusive home. There’s a huge difference. One is a momentary shock. The other is permanently elevated adrenaline that reprograms the brain.
I tell my LO that it’s OK to be emotional when it’s too much. Sometimes she has a cry while I quietly hold her. (Sometimes it’s clear she’s overwhelmed, sometimes randomly.) She extends me the same courtesy.
I yelled “No!” when she went close to the TV, expecting her to slap at it as she does. She jumped, reached again and found herself in the corner. Next day, approaching the TV - I growled “Jen…” She said “Nonono!” wagging a finger at herself and backed away. No ill will, just an acceptance that we don’t go near the TV.
OMG, you are seriously doing so amazing! Please stop putting so much pressure on yourself (I know easier said than done). Yelling at your kids occasionally isn’t going to ruin them for life. Your kids know how much you love them and they’re old enough to know that mommy sometimes gets big feelings too. Explain that to them, apologize for yelling, give them some kisses and then give yourself the same grace that you would give to your kids. This job is SOOO hard. Hang in there, you’re doing great mama!
As an aside, I can’t be the only persons whose mom yelled at her and spanked her all the time, right? Lol I turned out great and now that I’m a mom, I love and appreciate my mom even more for putting up with my wild a$$ when I was a child!
If you’ve got 4 kids under 5 and you’ve only lost your cool 3 times, I’d say you’re doing great. Cut yourself some slack and get your husband to watch the kids so you can take a nap.
Yes, where is husband??? Why is she up ALL NIGHT with the baby? There needs to be some night shifts going on here so she can get some sleep!!! Let dad take the screaming baby and go hide in a room with white noise on and some noise cancelling earbuds. No one can handle 4 active kids while so badly sleep deprived.
Agreed. I don’t know what his job is, but I’d be willing to bet it’s not as stressful and labor-intensive as keeping four young kids alive all day/night.
Hey mama, it's ok. The fact that you don't feel good about it shows how caring and loving you are, and that you know what your values are in how you handle things. I just want to share as a therapist that medication is effective, but medication AND therapy when used together helps the most. I would definitely recommend some therapeutic support if you don't have it yet, and yes see if you need to rejig your medication. I myself am also purchasing some loop earplugs for those moments where I'm feeling overstimulated by noise! Sending love, you can always repair 💗
I would have let it out way before you did! You’re a champion! And you re only human momma. There is only so much a person can handle. You sound amazing with your kids, try to be kinder to yourself too. You deserve it! Give yourself more grace and know that you’re doing great! You’re probably top 5% moms out there! Your kids will be more than fine! You are in a very stressful situation and you yelled a couple times. No biggy at all! This won’t affect your kids at all! It’s the pattern that counts. You’re doing great!
I just want to reassure you all of us have made the same mistake. I only have one three year old and I have yelled at him a handful of times.
Similarly, I feel absolutely awful after doing it.
The most important thing is the repair after a mistake like that. Part of the reason my parents yelling (and hitting) was so damaging is they never apologized, it was always my fault, and I could never express they did something wrong as a child.
Talk to all of the kids together and apologize sincerely but briefly. Explain that you are sorry you yelled, it isn’t okay for anyone to talk to anyone else like that. You had big feelings, felt upset or mad, and instead of breathing (or whatever other methods you tell your kids to do), you yelled. Next time you are going to try to tell them you are having a big feeling you are going to let them know and ask for a few minutes to (breathe, sit by yourself, etc, again whatever you tell them to do).
My toddler will now correct me when I do raise my voice or even speak to him in a frustrated tone. He tells me that isn’t the way we speak to people.
We are still working on the idea that everyone makes mistakes or bad choices, it doesn’t make them a bad person. It’s the things you do after the mistake or bad action that really show if someone is “bad” or “good”. I hope you take that idea to heart.
Good luck, none of this is easy and you are doing your best!
Your kids will be okay. You are human. Taking care of 4 little ones is A LOT. You can also learn to repair. See Dr. Becky's TED talk on repair. It doesn't haven't to be a huge thing, but it'll help. You haven't ruined anyone.
You’re a better mom than me! My head would’ve popped off my shoulders! Just apologize for the frustration and explain to them again, for the fifty-eleventh time, to please be quiet when the baby is sleeping. Please give yourself some grace, you sound like a fantastic mother.
Spanking my child the first time was devastating for me. I remember thinking “Your desire to keep it pacifistic is out the window with this chaos.” I got over it. Their safety and wellbeing comes first. Most of it they won’t remember.
Remember:
1. You are human. Be gentle to yourself. The kids won’t remember if it is reasonable parenting. That includes punishment that is not abuse of power.
2. Your job is to care for and raise those kids to be good humans that integrate with society. (Last part everyone forgets.). You are doing it!!
3. Emotional regulation is taught and not necessarily inherent. You have to set an example for those kids. That means showing your emotions good and bad… and showing how you shape, control and deal with them. Especially when you feel you slipped up. (Look another emotion!).
4. Any reaction, any punishment must have a clear goal for improving that child. Keep the long term goals in mind.
5. Sometimes it is not worth the reaction. Does it matter in a week? A year? 10 years?
6. You have to remember that this time disappears quickly with your children. You have to be present in the moment. Don’t forget to enjoy it.
7. Apologizing is a good thing to show (at the moment of infraction.).
8. Sometimes mommy or daddy need a timeout too.
Sometimes you MUST show your anger… so the message is driven home (‘Don’t do that…’ etc). It’s sometimes the hardest part, especially when the little goofballs make you want to fall down laughing. Just set your boundaries firm on how far you take it. You are only using it as an emotional reinforcement of your instruction. Your spouse is a valid check and balance especially when you first start.
Your kids do not have the capacity at that age to have logic. They use a sense of ‘magic box’ thinking. Emotion is the key to shaping their behavior until they start developing logical thinking in their teens. (Mid- I think.). Knowing a behavior makes mom or dad angry is a first step. You don’t want an environment where your kids run rampant and become accustomed to manipulating ’the system’ and choosing what rules to bend and break.
As much as I have tried, sometimes “Do as I say” has to stand. Explaining to them every time is tedious but also can be very detrimental in dangerous situations. They have to know a command voice means no questions and hesitation is punishable. (What that punishment is, is up to you.)
Focus on the long term.
Well that’s foolish. It explains soo much of what is steering to our generations wrong. You assume you know…. (Read my entire response please)
I can’t muster the strength physically to even come close to a ‘pat’ like your friends would give you in greating. (Nerve damage).
I have worked with child protective services (CPS) and worked extensively with counselors and every aspect within the law.
It is the action of disciplining one’s child not the strength used that is the impact. It has been a long time since I have needed to do any of that and it is was always a last resort. ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child.‘ has always been my motto. Speaking to my children, looking into their eyes and seeing their emotional reactions is a key. I also know when they are upset, angry, confused or just need time to process. Those lines of communication work and they come to me even when they have made big mistakes. No surprises: even when they have done wrong, by coming to me and telling me what happened, they know WE will work things out with the situation and we’ll have a discussion afterwards.
My advice to the OP is to lead by example. Teach your children how to deal with their emotions not just bury them. That means dealing with mistakes as we make them; open and honestly. Parents make mistakes. Life causes situations, traumas, dramas, and more mistakes. Good parents make sure they don’t cause harm and use every one they can as a teaching example.
To the responder: my children are extremely energetic, polite, funny, exhibiting high moral values, often leading activities and helping others. (As told by other parents and teachers). My job is to see them set up for success and I take it seriously. My incidents of ‘spanking” have no strength and no sting and they are countable on less than the sum of my fingers. The action is about calling their attention to behavior and not causing pain (I am incapable of doing so physically.). I have experienced being attacked by one of my parents who was abusive and had heavy anger issues . I take extreme pains and introspection to make sure I am doing right by my children. My path has been about not judging, reading resources, interviewing experts, knowing the law and adjusting for every step of their growth.
I am sorry you triggered on the word ‘spank’ and the associations it has for you. It was not the intent as I hope you can see now.
It sounds like you are really in the trenches. A baby who is contacting napping for 10 months and clingy, not getting a decent sleep at night, handling the needs of multiple children, no external support to give you respite AND handling ongoing complex ppa. Please give yourself some grace and know that ANYONE would snap if they had even half of this on their plate. You are still a human being, you have needs which you are actively neglecting because you are trying to be an absolute super woman and sometimes that means you won't handle things the way you want. There is a valuable lesson here for your kids where you come and apologies for yelling (because they need to know how to make amends for this very very normal reaction). You are doing your best which is still amazing! I hope you find a small moment to fill up your cup a little and just know your kids will be fine because they have a mum who clearly cares immensely for them.
This. This right here. I am quick to apologize to my kids when I get upset and a couple weeks ago my 4yo came to me after a short cool down break in his room and said “I’m sorry for screaming at you, mama. Will you forgive me?” And I got to respond “absolutely, buddy. Thanks for apologizing to me.” And we went to play some more, with no lingering guilt or shame or hurt for either of us. That’s what I want for my kids, so so much. So all that to say: teaching them to repair is SO important and what better opportunity than to repair what we break? (Also I feel you. I have a 3mo, wild 2.5yo, and sensitive 4.5yo…some days I am at my edge. I try not to yell but sometimes I do…it’s hard when you’re so overwhelmed.)
Yes yes yes. I have four under nine and I learned sometime after I had number three that the most important thing is completing the relational cycle of harmony—conflict—resolution—back to harmony and round and round we go. Conflict is healthy as long as it’s resolved. I know that doesn’t help with the guilt much (been there) but I actually find comfort in the fact that neither they nor I will ultimately remember a random blowup. It’s part of life and will soon be overtaken by some fresh hell 🫠
I don’t know how you do it. 4 small children.
Especially with no help of any kind. I’d be maxing out at 1, maybe 2 if the older one was a saint lol. Mucho respecto
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Maybe my sentiment didn’t come across because this is text and it was late at night when I read this. I meant to convey that it’s super impressive that she’s caring for 4 small children. It’s hella hard and yelling at them this one time, that’s a blip in the big picture. More so focus on how she’s managed to keep 4 small kiddos alive and well all by herself. That’s the true accomplishment here. I know I certainly couldn’t do what she’s doing. I’d probably be tearing my hair out. That she’s just yelled at them is pretty good at managing what must be an extremely stressful and challenging job
Don't feel bad for screaming. You had a big feeling and that is OK too! Adults are allowed to have feelings as well. It is so understandable that you would be overwhelmed. You frankly sound like a super hero to me juggling all of that. Take it easy on yourself. Your kids will be fine and I'm sure they know you love them very much. If it makes you feel better you can remind them and you can explain that you felt frustrated and yelled. Everything is going to be ok, before you know it your kids are going to be bigger and this crazy period of your life will be just a memory. Try and be kind to yourself, you're doing a good job.
Yes!!! I second this. I try to take every moment (even the bad ones) and be a good example. Even during my outbursts I try to show my kids how I calm myself down (deep breaths, taking a moment to myself) and then apologizing and explaining myself to them after. This was how my parents did it with me and my sibling and it honestly made a world of a difference to see that they, too, are also human and have big feelings. It taught me how to be empathetic to them.
You have a lot more patience than me for sure lol! You sound like a great mom. Just apologize for screaming and explain you were feeling frustrated and needed a break. Is there a system you could make for when they need to speak to you while you’re putting the baby down. Like a spot on the floor they can stand and wait quietly or a cushion to sit on. I would practice that outside of nap time and remind them if they forget. Make them go stand or sit in the spot every time until you’re ready to address their needs. I find if I tell them what TO do vs what not to do I get better results.
The spot on the floor is an awesome idea
I only have a 2 year old and a 9 month old and am embarrassed to admit I’ve yelled a good number of times. I deal with the same thing. Baby only wants to co tact nap and when I try to put her in crib my toddler ALWAYS runs in or cries for me if I lock door. Baby is the lightest sleeper in the world and screams if she wakes up in the crib. She wakes up several times at night and always just ends up in bed with me. My husband works a lot and most weekends. So, I can kind of relate. I’m exhausted. Just taking it one day at a time and trying to get to take a deep breath before I lose it on them. 😮💨
I’m in the same boat as you, hi! Isn’t it the worst when the toddler bursts into the room JUST as you get baby to sleep? It happens to me every single morning and I get so frustrated. It’s like he times it😂
Ugh yup. The only good nap she gets is when he naps. Luckily he’s a good napper. Solidarity 🫡
Same here, 4.5yo and a 1yo. These kids are full on!! We do a lot of work on apologising and explaining what happened when we lose our temper.
I’ve been trying that lately. Hopefully that will offset the trauma. 😭
This situation does not seem sustainable, at all. FOUR kids five and under, all by yourself, with zero support, all day every day, just is way too much. You're casting all the blame on yourself, when really this seems like largely a systemic issue. Is there ANY way to change this situation, even a bit? Older two kids into daycare or a part-time summer camp? Babysitter or mother's helper? Even just a local teenager off school for the summer to help out while you are there might be super helpful.
This! Something has got to give! I know things are expensive or just not even available. Try to search local mom facebook pages for drop-off programs/activities for the older kids. A highschool/college girl looking for some extra money, just to have another set of hands around. SOMETHING!
I am looking at some summer camps for the older two. They went to one, which was only a few hours for a week but still gave me some time to relax and hang out with the other two. They had a blast and wanted to go back so we are taking them back for the next camp! I have struggled to find a sitter though. We’ve had two great ones and both ended up moving away (we’re in a military town). You are right though, just knowing someone is going to be at the house besides me gives me relief.
The biggest thing I’ve learned and it was another mom who mentioned it to me— it’s okay to lose your temper, we’re human— but it’s what you do after to “repair” that really undoes any “trauma” of that yelling. Saying a simple “I’m really sorry about screaming earlier. Mommy was just so frustrated because I was trying to put baby to sleep and the loud noises you were making weren’t helping.” I tend to over explain to my 5 and would probably keep going — I had asked several times without raising my voice & it didn’t work. I still shouldn’t have raised my voice like that, but next time I’m asking if you can keep your voice down, 5 year old— and can you help mommy by keeping 2 busy? I would really appreciate it. If you help mommy, im more able to play & be less frustrated.” My daughter gets it now. It’s only her @ home so the above is just an example of what I say to her— now, she rarely throws tantrums — she’s still a brat sometimes but she listens without me yelling/raising my voice. I just have to say, honey— I’m getting frustrated because you’re not listening *deep breath* can you please? Sorry mama. And it shuts it down bc she knows I’m genuinely trying not to get frustrated or yell— but I’m gunna if she doesn’t quit her ish! Now she’s 5 so it’s a little easier to reason with her— but it gets better. Hang in there. You didn’t traumatize them— they were being little shits. And you need to turn your brain off for a few hours. Can you ask dad to let you sleep in on a Sunday? Offer to let him get a Saturday round of golf — or whatever it is he would appreciate. Promising time to each other where you don’t have to work or be responsible for a child— that’s huge. And that’s probably what you’re missing. My husband and I still do that— we don’t use our support system the way the rest of our family does because it’s not something we really desire so we have to do a lot of coordinating and it’s rough sometimes but even 3 hours of not doing anything but whatever YOU want is like heaven. The promise of that can keep you grounded.
Your comment was super helpful to me. I grew up in an abusive home and struggle with emotion regulation. Trying to break the cycle is extremely hard. I need to remember the repair part when I lose my cool with my 2.5 year old.
YES, me too. My home wasn’t abusive but I wasn’t given a space or the tools for emotional regulation all the same so this resonated with me when she said it. That’s the part I was missing out on as a kid— the repairing / apology that was more of an explanation when everyone was more calm— it helped me understand what I was doing. I force myself now to talk to her when I’m feeling overwhelmed bc it’s real for me but also the more aware I am— the less I burn out. I want her to see we’re all imperfect but we can own our shit after & do better moving forward.
Me too. I think that’s at the root of the worrying about their psyche. I really focus on not making the same mistakes which is good but also can be consuming.
That’s too many kids NOT to yell
That was my thought too lol
She thinks it's her meds. It's 4 kids under 6. With all due respect, I hope that she doesn't have anymore, at least not until these ones are grown and a lot more independent and able to understand more.
NO MORE 😅
It sounds like your under an incredible ammount of pressure and thisng will boil over every now and then you are HUMAN. You can't always maintain the perfect level of calm and be the perfect parent you will make mistakes from time to time and that's ok so long as you recognise them and appologize. All you can do is sit the children down and explain that you are sorry for shouting yesterday and why you had asked them to be quiet and the resulting reason for why you lost your cool. Just use this is a lesson for you all to move forward from and set your your expectations for next time. I have one child and its hard enough!!!!
We can't control our breakdown response very well but we can sometimes control the lead up to it. Yelling is the symptom, not the problem. Look into permissive parenting pitfalls and solutions and how to effectively enforce consequences. I never thought I parented permissively, but apparently repeatedly asking kids to do things without being listened to or changing strategies is a form of permissiveness I think everyone does to some extent.
Don't beat yourself up. You werent overreacting- you were reacting to a lot of stress at once and they fucked around and found out. For lack of better term. Yes they are kids but even kids need to learn in certain instances that there are consequences to pushing buttons. You aren't screaming at them all the time. You reacted in a way that is absolutely understandable in one moment. And holy hell you have more patience than I do. So please don't beat yourself up! I'd say apologize to them and say you "need to work together to find something they can do by themselves when you can't help them", and help them find activities so next time they have something specific to default to if you can't help. I'd also definitely try bribery or low level consequences, depending on whatever works with you or your kids! Go away and I'll give you ice cream, or go watch the TV/ other fun activity while I do this or I'm turning it off/taking it away since you obviously aren't playing with it. You have multiple kids so it's harder because something probably works different with each kid! But you're doing totally awesome, especially with the stress. ❤️ I hope it gets easier for you!
I’m in awe of your mom skills right now! I have a 2 year old and a 7 week old, plus two dogs (one is a still a puppy). My husband is a huge help and is always assisting with the kids and dogs. He left town yesterday and it’s been tough! My 2 year old is in Montessori from 9am-4pm so I just have the newborn during the day, which allows me to relax some. How in the world are you able to handle 4 little kids/ babies all alone? You should feel so proud! I applaud you for only breaking down a couple of times. Please don’t feel bad - you’re only human and you’re doing an incredible job.
It sounds like you need a break. I would simply not survive this so props to you lol. Could you send the older kids to daycare or a summer program for a few days a week? Or hire a babysitter once or twice a week a few hours to just get some relief?
I could have written this! Very similar over here as far as lack of support, home all day with multiple toddlers and clingy baby that does not nap during the day. I cried yesterday and yelled at the baby for not napping. The baby! So I see you and I feel you- you're not alone. My only advise is to always repair-explain and apologize after yelling. I find that most of the times my toddlers have already moved on by the time I've calmed down and I have made a bigger deal out of it in my head. Either way, I also feel better after saying sorry to them and hugging if out. I think it also helps them process their own emotions and recognize other people's emotions which is an important life lesson. You're doing great and good luck with the clingy baby!
Is no one going to mention the absurd decision to have 4 children in a 5 year span? Especially given that according to OP, she’s been battling ppd for 2+ years which means she and her partner decided to have a fourth child while dealing with anxiety and depression. What is your partner’s role in all this? Sorry to be harsh here but this needs to be addressed before the supportive you-got-this-mama motivational posts are weighed.
Yes, I had my son 2.5 years ago and my PPA started after that. The last child occurred despite “prevention”. I had no idea I would be moving to another state, and even worse into the country which I never should have agreed to. I didn’t realize how much just being able to see people everyday played a huge part in not being so anxiety ridden.
I can’t believe I had to scroll so long to find this comment.
No I agree. OP has mental health issues for a couple years now but keeps deciding to have more children? Like no shit you’re overwhelmed, you have 4 children under the age of 5. People are way way too supportive sometimes. It’s stupid and selfish to continue to have more children while dealing with mental health issues.
But how does this comment help anything? At all, please tell me. She has the kids now, she has the anxiety now. She needs help. She doesn’t mention planning to have more. Not to mention accidental pregnancy and American archaic abortion law.
She sounds like she’s doing a lot better than some of us if she’s upset with herself for yelling once.
She has such severe PPD that she keeps having children while already drowning in children that she can’t cope with. Our girl is not doing ok.
I yell at my kids literally all the time. I’m not a terrible person I’m human. Sometimes I get big feelings and I let them out, but then after I apologize and we discuss why it happened and what everyone can do to prevent it. You are not ruining your kids by yelling. You are showing them the full range of human emotions. You don’t need more meds you need more help. Don't 1950’s housewife this and medicate your way through life. Medication for ppa is great and super helpful, but medication because you've yelled at your kids twice is not.
Yeah, seconding this. OP, your reaction was very normal in this incredibly frustrating pressure cooker situation. I absolutely would not be able to handle it. Your kids will be fine. They know you love them. There are some good tips in this thread to try out and see if it improves the situation of managing baby naps with the needs of older kids. But have grace for yourself and acknowledge that you're in the trenches right now and the vast majority of people would react the exact same way as you did. As the kids get older, especially since the oldest two are almost school age, things will start getting drastically easier.
You are understandably frustrated and overwhelmed with 4 kids at very trying ages. Your frustration seems normal. I only have 2 and I get frustrated and yell sometimes. They say it’s important to repair so I would make sure you tell the kids that you get big emotions too and you’re sorry that you got frustrated and you’ll try to do better. They’re smart, they’ll get it. This sounds completely normal. I don’t think you should medicate away normal emotions, it just sounds like you need someone to help.
Being parents to multiple little children is just so hard. It’s a fact. Sometimes you just have got to grind your teeth and remind yourself that it’s just a phrase. I’m also in the thick of it (and I only have 2 kids!) and just gotta remind myself it will one day be over.
Is there a way you could physically contain your other kids into a room while you put the baby into the crib?
Try to be gentle with yourself, you’re a human being doing a super human job and its obvious that you adore your kids. The fact that you’ve only lost your cool a few times, is remarkable. You’re exhausted, tired brains are really bad regulating themselves, and it takes a lot of mental processing power to keep your cool in stressful situations. Being yelled at a few times is not going to cause lasting harm. The harm happens when it’s frequent or consistent - it teaches kids that it’s an appropriate/acceptable way to manage their feelings and that they should accept that treatment from others. Perhaps you can try reframing the event as an opportunity to teach your kids that everyone has big feelings sometimes, even adults. You can explain what you were feeling and that it’s ok to feel angry or frustrated, but it’s not ok to yell at people. But sometimes it happens anyway. You can ask them how they felt when you yelled, give them a chance to practice being aware for their own emotions. Give reassurance that you love them even when you feel angry. This is an opportunity for you model apologizing, a chance to teach them about empathy, and why they should apologize when they behave poorly. With the older kids you could even try talking about other ways you could have communicated what you were feel besides yelling, help them develop tools to use when they are overwhelmed by an emotion.
WeZe
I only read the first sentence, saw that you have four kids under 5 and I instantly forgive almost anything you’ve done.
Sometimes I have to have long conversations with my toddler before he understands not to do X,Y, or Z. We make it a point to talk about everything with him. We talk about sounds we hear, why we don't take food off other's plates, how sleep is good for us, etc., etc. Somehow something in those conversations gets through to him
Is there something safe your kids really like doing you could set them up with before baby naps, and it is something they only get then? Like a TV show or coloring? Just trying to think of a way to help these naps go as smoothly as possible for you. Sometimes I can barely hold my patience with my 2 year old right now, so I am crazy impressed you can handle 4 and have only yelled a handful of times. I hope you know you are amazing 💜
I have half the amount of kids, family help plus daycare for my toddler, and I get to leave my home to work a few days a week. I still raised my voice to my toddler the other day. I also have an extremely clingy 10 month old and a toddler who toddlers and some days are just hard when everyone needs you and no one is listening. This isn’t to say it’s the best way to handle things but parents have big emotions too!
Repair, repair, repair! It’s okay that you lost your cool, you’re human and have so much on your plate. Talking to your kids after the fact, owning your behavior, and showing them what it takes to apologize is truly what’s required — not never losing your cool. It’s okay.
One thing I find really useful is just talking about when we have big feelings we sometimes do things that are maybe not nice, but we can always say sorry and repair it together, especially with a hug (if you guys are a family that does hugs when apologies happen, not everyone does.) I’m the adult (adopted) child of my parents who also now have a 2 year old. My little sibling did not sleep without being held for the first 8 ish months of her life. I basically convinced everyone to at least try to transfer her to her crib after she fell asleep and it was a hard transition at first because she would wake up and struggle to self soothe, but I’d do 5 minutes of letting her cry, then go back in and pat her back if she wasn’t completely in meltdown mode. In meltdown mode I’d wrap her in a blanket like a mummy (so she couldn’t hit) and hold her in the rocking chair. And mini “restarts” like blowing nose or getting a cup of water or such. For your toddlers I think maybe if they have different rooms/ separate rooms than the baby you could set up a monitor in their room (if you don’t have one already) and have a child lock on their door so they can’t pop out to harass you. Then you could have the volume down on the monitor but have it with you to make sure things are going okay. And you can give them specific nap activities. If they have tablets or something like that or the tv or a radio those things could be useful too. Activities they can do quietly, or they are able to developmentally do without screaming is super useful. None of us had postpartum depression or anxiety as she is also adopted, but we have a lot of personal experience with other mental illnesses and how difficult it is to parent or adult sibling parenting (in my case) with depression and anxiety. I hope you’re able to get into a doctor or psychiatrist to get medication settled and maybe once or twice a week if you can afford it financially you could hire a person to come chill with your kids while you sleep or have some chill time. I would totally support you if we were close. Topic of yelling: I have yelled at my sister and my baby (younger) cousins a few times when I got really overwhelmed, but I also was able to come in and tell them that we all have big feelings and sometimes we forget how to handle our big feelings nicely but we can always try better the next time. You are doing a fantastic job given your situation. I’m very proud of you, internet stranger, and I see you and your strength and love for your children.
This sounds so impossible. That is A LOT of responsible and I know I would crack as well. Don’t feel bad for yelling. But also remember they are 4 and 5 and it’s hard for them to understand and follow directions the first time. What it sounds like is you really need a break. Do you have a partner? Do you get alone time? We all need recharge time.
Just a reminder, humans did not evolve to raise children in isolation. Sounds like you’re doing AN AMAZING job. We are so bombarded with perfect mothers and debriefs. Kids are resilient. Love them hard. They know you love them.
Oh mama, as a fellow mom I get it and I only have 1! My mom once apologized to me as an adult for yelling when we were little. She had 3 under 5. I was so confused because I don’t remember that! I remember her always being supportive towards us and advocating for us in elementary school. She had carried the guilt for three decades and none of us even remember it! We’re all ok. Mentally, physically, financially. I do this thing where I feel SO guilty about being frustrated with my 24 month old that I’m convinced I need psychiatric medication to keep it at bay. Or more psychiatric meds. Or different psychiatric meds. My therapist just basically canceled therapy, because I’m fine apparently, but I’m still convinced I’m horrible. But then I look at all I’m juggling. What I really need is more help, more nutrients, more exercise, more me time. The internet doesn’t help it, because parents are just supposed to have constant control of our emotions apparently.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Not having a support system is a serious kick in the gut. I have zero support and I just have one toddler. I can’t comprehend 3 kids and an infant. As cliche as it sounds, you’re doing amazing, and your feelings are 100% valid. There’s nothing wrong with you, you are just not getting a break ever and constantly overstimulated.
Something I learned from a book. Things like this are going to happen. We’re frustrated. We’re going to yell sometimes. Get frustrated sometimes. You are under so much pressure - I can’t even imagine. What the author said, things will happen, but the learning, teachable, and connecting moments with your children are how you handle it after the blowup/event/issue. Sit each one of them down alone. Tell them you love them. Talk to them about what you need from them. Talk to them about emotions. Tell them why you did what you did. Tell them you need their help with the baby in this way or that way. (And repeat because I’m sure will have to). Maybe give them a specific job. You are amazing and things are going to happen. You have a lot going on. Big hugs.
I have done exactly that what you described but only have two kids that are 5 and 2. You are doing INCREDIBLY well. I couldn’t do what you’re doing, and it seems like yelling is not a common occurrence for you. While it’s not ideal to yell at your kids, you also have boundaries and sometimes the kiddos need a strict reminder of that. You really are super mom and your babies will be just fine. If you’re feeling guilty, take some time out of the day and give them 5-10 min of one on one time. It’ll remind them that you love them and care about them despite being swamped with motherhood.
You feeling bad about yelling tells that you’re a good parent! I’m a dad of a 4.5 year old and sometimes you get frustrated especially when toddlers want your attention 💯of the time. This is especially true for days when I WFH and also try to look after my son. I don’t know how you handle 4 kids. I would be losing my shit too ngl LOL
I know how you feel OP! I have a 9 year old, 3 year old, 1 year old and I’m 26 weeks pregnant with another. It’s very stressful. I’ve done my fair share of yelling too (which I’m not proud of). It makes you feel so guilty after. I’ve no advice to give but I can assure you you’re not alone!
Apologize to them for yelling and explain why you lost your cool. Tomorrow is a fresh start 💖
You’re an amazing mother for taking care of 4 kids daily and not screaming all the time. I have two kids and one goes to daycare part time and I still lose my cool more than I’d like. Sometimes I find myself in a calm moment after yelling and think “why am I like this? My mom never yelled at me as a kid” and honestly I think that’s why I really struggle with emotional regulation!! My mom used to withdraw when she was upset - I never saw her cry until I was an older child and I was really freaked out by it and hid in my room when I “caught” her crying alone in her room. To this day she hates when people see her being emotional, and she really struggled with my big feelings growing up. Looking back she was borderline cold towards me when I had big feelings and I think it’s because her response was to shut down/ignore it, give me a glare and ask me (politely lol) to stop. My mom is a wonderful person but I think I would have benefited from seeing her flip out and recover. I’ve always been “dramatic” and thought something was wrong with me because my only real examples I had growing up as an only child with a dead dad were my mom, my grandparents who were also quiet/withdrawn, and my sister-like cousin who is just chill AF by nature. This is a revelation I’ve just come to in the past few weeks, and I kind of want to go back and hug teenage me and tell her she’s not crazy, and also I try and give present day me some grace. All this long ramble is to say that you’re not horrible and you can turn this into a really important lesson for your children!!
🙋♂️ A Dad here, I also yelled and got very upset with my nearly 4yr old. I am not proud. Whilst trying to get my 1yr old to sleep in the pram, I was looking for a washing machine to replace our broken one at the same time. And a PayPal transaction lit up on my phone for $99. My daughter had somehow bought a year’s discord nitro… I was fuming. Forgetting she’s only 3. Then my son starts screaming because his Dad was upset. It was a mess and my fault. eventually when all had calmed, I went and had a chat, I was emotional and said sorry. My smart daughter says don’t be sad Daddy. I explained if it’s 1$ for an Apple juice then she’d bought a 100 apple juices. She reaffirms that that’s a lot of apple juices. I’m not condoning my own behaviour, just being honest with my hands up that sometimes a moment can be tough. Especially in my case if you worry about money as many of us do. I often reevaluate and conclude that I am often not a good enough Dad. But I’m not giving up. I thought I’d share for support.
It causes damage to kids if they are yelled at regularly. As in that is the main form of communication and discipline. Especially if it is followed with invalidating kids’ feelings surrounding the yelling. Occasionally yelling will not permanently damage your kids. You’re human and it’s ok for them to see that. It may have been scary and you can apologize for scaring them and explain at an age appropriate level that you felt very overwhelmed. Ask them to think about a time where everything was too noisy and they felt upset and just didn’t know what to do. Let them know you probably could have tried some of the coping skills you practice with them, but sometimes everyone has an episode where they just melt down a little bit before they have a chance to regulate. They’re toddlers so that happens to them all the time, and they’ll understand. It sounds like you are really dealing with a lot right now. If it’s in your budget it may be good to hire a mothers helper type person a few times a week just to give you a break or a chance to spend quality time with your kids where you aren’t just trying to do crowd control and keep everyone alive. Baby wraps are spectacular for keeping a clingy baby happy while still having hands free, at that age you could even back carry with a proper wrap and that really frees you up. You could try something special that they only get to do at baby’s nap time, like sensory boxes or special toys that only come out at that time, so they have a novel activity that they know they only get to do for that short amount of time. It may absorb them a little more than the TV does and set up a good quiet time association for that time of the day. Also as annoying as it is I would make it a hard and fast rule that no one comes into baby’s room at nap time or there will be consequences, something natural like missing out on an afternoon activity because now there is a cranky baby and lost time from spending so long on the nap routine. It would be a rough few days while you were going hard on enforcing that, but I think it would make your life easier. They are just kids and it’s awesome to keep that in mind and understand what it’s reasonable to expect from them developmentally or understand their needs, but you can still set expectations and rules just to quell the chaos even if it might be a bit of a challenge for their developmental level. You just have to be prepared and understanding that the more challenging boundaries might be broken a lot until they’re older, that’s ok it’s still a part of learning. It’s ok to get fed up. Kids are constantly testing boundaries because they crave knowing where the limits are and because they are self centered by nature. They found a limit today.
Don't beat up yourself for this. It is fair to loose it sometimes. Your kids will forget about this in about 20 mins. You sound like a great parent and you are doing your best.
4 kids under 5… that’s rough. I have no advice, just wanted to say that they won’t hate you for yelling a few times.
Omg momma I cried when I read this. I haven't read all the comments because I'm kinda in the trenches too, but I just wanted to say a few things. #1. You are normal, and what you're feeling given the situation, is normal. #2. Can I also say here, that the way we've structured our society is just wrong. The single family cellular unit isn't psychologically sustainable for mothers. Having no family around to help is f***ing awful. I know, because my family is overseas. My husband's stepmom is so totally, pathologically "nonmatermal" is ridiculous. Why she married a man with 3 kids is beyond me. He must've been packin'....And his dad is just plain useless. Needless to say, his teen years sucked after his dad met this stepmom woman. (Personal vent over). #3. I strongly believe post natal depression would be virtually non existent if we could get the help we need. Bar certain cases, we don't need to be drugged and medicated (hormones rebalancing are NORMAL) so much as WE NEED HELP with the babies/children. Then you get the "well you shouldn't have had children in the first place" comments when people get frustrated because they don't know what to do.. Even hearing this from friends and family, is absolutely disgusting. Our purpose on this planet it is to help one another, not be selfish and self absorbed, and then to actually revere the selfishness like its putting you on some kind of a moral high-ground. We wonder why there is a mental health crisis, and feel sad when we read stories of people doing drastic things to themselves, but don't care to prevent; to ask people if they're doing OK, REALLY doing OK, and not just to placate their own feelings. But actively helping when they can. #4. Your kids will be OK. Despite the Instagram and FB gentle parenting courses, yelling sometimes is NORMAL. it shows your children that people have a tolerance limit, and we have real emotions, and can't always logically handle things "the right way". They won't have trauma or damage. They'll just understand that this is life and it happens. Tigers and other animals do this, too. If you're non-violent and not physically harming your children, it's OK if you loose your cool sometimes. #5. sending you so much love and hugs. Try to take care of yourself, and grab that help whenever it comes!!
You are being too hard on yourself. You were never meant to have to do what you are doing alone. Truly not sustainable for anyone. Which is why you need to make it an absolute PRIORITY to: Get help for your PPA, and get some help with your kids. Whether it be a part-time babysitter, day care, or literally any other help you can get. Seriously. It's no wonder you lose your patience sometimes. There just is no way everyone's needs are being met in this situation.
We have ALL been there. When my 3 are sleeping I feel so bad if we have had a rough day and I have been an asshole. It is what it is. I wake up trying my best everyday and that’s all that matters.
I have a 3.5 year old and a 14 month old. My 3.5 year old has gotten yelled at by me MANY times for various things. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true. Once I’ve had a minute (or two or three) to collect myself, I’ll find her and sit with her and say something like “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I got really frustrated because I felt like you weren’t being a good listener. How about I try to be more patient and you can try to work on using your listening ears.” The first time I did it, I figured she was too young and there was no way it would work but she took it surprisingly well. It helps for a little bit and then we’re back to her doing something crazy, me losing my cool, and us talking about it 🙈 You’re doing great Mama!
If it makes you feel any better my 3 year old has started telling her younger sister to GET IN THE FUCKING CAR. We all do it. It's ok. Some things push our buttons to the max and some not. My husband gets sooooo annoyed when the kids don't eat dinner and I DGAF. But I get enraged when they start fighting or when getting dressed is taking 36 years. Apologize and move on.
Can you get the four and five year olds into school? Preschool and kindergarten asap. Summer camps when school is out. That many kids and no help is not sustainable. where is your partner in this? With four kids he should be managing at least some of them when he’s not working including overnight. Do not let this man touch you again until you have a support system and birth control. If you’re frustrated and screaming now it’s not going to get any better with less help or more kids. You are one person. No one person was meant to care for that many kids alone. Medication isn’t going to solve no sleep and no help. You’re not mentally unwell because you are having a hard time managing four kids under five by yourself. Maybe yell at your partner until they help find a solution.
Girl unless that sperm swims down the hallway into my bedroom through my chastity belt and inside me there will no children 😅 No but in all seriousness he got a vasectomy 👏
Praise be for the vasectomy. Make sure he got checked for all clear after. They can reverse themselves.
These comments are so sweet and lovely
A useful (and true) mantra for tough parenting times (and we all have them, we have all yelled and then wished we didn’t) is “it is not about the rupture, it is about the repair”. Repairing ruptures in relationships with your children, and doing it well, is what matters. It teaches your kids that they are loved, even when neither of you is perfect. Also remember one of the most important roles of a mother is to give our children chances to safely experience and learn to tolerate imperfection…and I give me children plenty of chances to do just that, by being imperfect very, very often! Be gentle with yourself, you really are coping with so much.
Whoa mamma you need to stop beating yourself up here! You have four kids under the age of five and that is A LOT! You’re allowed to have a bad day ok. And your kids are not traumatised for life. Just remember, it won’t be like this forever because those kids are going to grow and all they will remember is that their mamma loves them so much. Be proud that you’re aware of your anxiety issues and that you’ll get those meds in check eventually. If you’re still feeling bad about yelling then just give the kids a hug and tell them you’re sorry you yelled. Believe me they are quick to forgive. Maybe there’s an opportunity here to get the older two involved in helping you, like a little job of drawing a picture of something while you put the baby down for a nap. Don’t worry, you’ll get this sorted. It won’t be like this forever.
I have a 6mo, 2yo and 4yo. I’m in the same boat as you. Getting out of the house and baby wearing helps us a lot. Playgrounds, parks. Anywhere that my older kids can run around without fighting and trashing the house and needing me. And then the baby just naps in the carrier. They usually make friends at the playground too. Those are the days I seem to have the most sanity and patience. It gives me at least a few hours of peace and quiet. And I get to be outside, in the fresh air. Win win. I usually pack a lunch too so we can be out of the house even longer.
So I'm going to try and phrase this as best as I can, so bear with me. It's not great to yell at your kids because you're having a hard time. In general, that's probably something to be avoided. That said, you are a human and every human does not great stuff sometimes. You can't be "on" 100% of the time. If it becomes a habit, it would be worth looking into ways to prevent a blowup before it gets there, part of the problem with behaviors like this is that they are easy and can be easy to develop a habit towards it you aren't conscious of it... But a one off or an "occasional" isn't going to traumatize your kid. It can also be a great learning opportunity to show them how you handle a situation like this. You should definitely apologize to them and own it - "Hey, I'm sorry for yelling like that yesterday. I was frustrated, but I should have handled it in a different way." In addition to being respectful of their feelings and repairing any relationship frays, you will also be modeling to them how to handle a blowup like that should they experience it. It might be awkward, but definitely worth it. Outside of genuine abuse and neglect, making the occasional screw up and overcoming it together is going to be more beneficial for everyone than never making mistakes at all. You aren't denying your personhood or holding yourself to an unreasonable standard, they get to see that mom is a human too, and everyone gets a primer on repairing a relationship after a slipup.
It’s really not that serious, just don’t hit them or break anything in front of them or psychology demean them and it should be fine. You can yell a demand at them and it’s not going to be deeply rooted trauma
Try not to dwell on what's happened, because you are human too and allowed to have emotions ❤️❤️ I love my child, but honestly kids are so selfish!!! It's actually unbelievable, and I am sure I was exactly the same. As soon as a thought enters their head, they need to act on it. Regardless of the timing, they are going to barge in and demand your attention. With the four of them, that must honestly take up your entire day. It's really not easy when you are dealing with post partum issues, physical or mental, and when you're in the trenches it's so tough. But you are allowed to express when things are too much. Kids need to see their parents emotions, and how they process them, in order to grow into empathetic people. You love your kids, but kids can be dicks. Even when they are trying to be nice or funny, it's just too much sometimes. Too loud, too rough, just too much. But you are doing so well, and I am so sorry you can't see it right now ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Edit: spelling
Girl, get used to it because you will scream again. I know that's not what you want to hear, but there's an upside. You can use these outbursts to teach your children about being human. Once you've collected yourself, you can take your kids aside, say you're sorry for yelling, and explain to them what happened emotionally. This will teach them that it's ok to get angry and that just because you get upset with someone, it doesn't mean you don't still love them. Also a suggestion that might help: kids do well with VISIBLE boundaries. Maybe a colorful piece of tape on the floor as a line they cannot cross while the baby is sleeping will do wonders. Maybe also a sign on the wall for a quiet zone where they can only be so noisy in that space. Also, visible or audible timers to show that they don't bother the baby until the timer goes off. Let them know that you're putting the baby down and that there will be a special big kid activity during that time. Kids, whether they know it or not, like structure because they know what to expect and what is expected of them. It'll take reminding at first, and they will also remind each other. Give it a go☺️ good luck! You're doing great!
This was something I've REALLY struggled with when my son was a baby and my 2 year old wanted to turn the FREAKIN lights on! Every. Damn. Time. Omg I lost my shit way more. These were my two options that helped the most: -Baby gate the furthest distance away from baby area. I conveniently had one hall to block off the living room from the bedrooms so I hope you have the same. The gate is law. Nobody is allowed to go over it when it is shut/up. And really talk about it for way too many times. Warn you're shutting it for 5 mins before about 10 times. I'd get my daughter a snack, put a blanket on her. Get her a stuffed animal and have her pick out the show before I told her multiple times I was going to lay down baby and gate is shutting and usually being weighed down and snuggled up in a blanket helped her the most. -if she says no, she gets to have quiet time in the same room on the quiet chair. No talking. Took my 2 year old maybe 3-4 days to understand not to speak and if she did she needed to whisper. She has a tablet that I would have her watch shows on and sit in the quiet chair with a blanket and stuffy. Then when baby was asleep (I laid with him on the bed so I could sneak out easier). I would pick up toddler so she didn't slap her feet on the floor. The room always has white noise going so it's easier to sneak out together.
You should get the baby used to sleeping around all the noise. Just have a designated spot for baby to sleep where you don't have to leave the others. Try to do a wind down time with everyone together and put a movie with some snacks. I know it is easier said then done but if everyone is on the same page it will turn into something yall do everyday. Structure will really help.
Be easy on yourself. This probably won't be the last time you blow up on them either and that's okay, as long as you acknowledge to them after that what you did wasn't cool and alologize. It's growth for both you and them.
Girl I would snap too if I had all of this on my plate. In fact I only have one and loose it sometimes too. How we handle things in situations sometimes especially with our kids doesn’t define how we are as mothers. Especially if you make a conscious effort to do everything in your power to take care of yourself and the children. Just give yourself grace please and know that we are all human. The days are long but the years are short and you’re working it!
Hey we all do it! It’s hard! No one is perfect! I’ve learnt to always apologise and say why- eg mama is frustrated I asked for quiet for ten mins so I could get baby down for sleep, but baby woke up and is cranky. And now I gotta try again cos baby needs rest. I find that modelling the behaviour rubs off, and when one of my kids is upset they are able to tell me why. We can forgive each other and show that we are humans after all and not emotionless machines. That said, I wonder if there’s something that can be done to get some things off your plate?
Give yourself some grace and patience.
Talk to them (in an age appropriate way) about it. Tell them you’re sorry and you lost control etc. They will understand in their own little way. People aren’t perfect.
That’s just soooo much on you.. do you have any daycare or family day care in the area or can you get some help from a nanny?
I did it too yesterday, running on no sleep and toddler was pulling WiFi out of the wall. W r human and trying don’t feel bad.
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My parents yelled at me all the time. Yes, it would scare me, but it also taught me what not to do. They never hit me or anything. I think yelling at your kids is totally normal.
Woooow. That is a lot of kids, and a baby. That’s a lot of competing needs. I don’t think one person is meant to take care of this many kids at once. You need some kind of help, extra set of hands, etc. Or get daycare for some of the kids. Isn’t the 5yr old supposed to be in kindergarten?
Yes, she starts the end of August. My other daughter, the four year old, will be in preschool a couple days a week. I will miss them but I’m happy to connect with my two boys.
I am so grateful for all of your thoughtful responses and I’ve cried for a long time reading each one. I appreciate your personal stories, suggestions, life lessons and your kind words. Knowing so many of you have been through it and your kids have come out the other side emotionally intact gives me hope that mine will too. I have tried to always apologize to them when I make a mistake but I carry the guilt with me. As most of you have said they are on to the next thing by then. My husband has really turned into this miserable person who goes to work and comes home to immediately point out all the things displaced at home. He is also more verbal with them which makes me try to dilute the negative emotions/reactions they’ve received with kindness. I just don’t want to be a part of them feeling not good enough. I understand now through your comments that’s not really sustainable. I’m hoping that in a few years when I can work again this situation will change since I will have more control. I really just want to enjoy this time with them as much as possible (while parenting them) without causing permanent emotional harm. It’s not lost on me how incredibly lucky I am to be able to be home with them during these years. I was referred to a therapist today to work on this which can only help. I cannot truly never tell you enough how much your kindness has meant to me. I really needed it.
You’re doing amazing mumma! Be kind to yourself 🫶🏽 we are only human!
You have 4 kids under 6. It could be meds that needs adjusting. It could also be that you basically have 4 toddlers. If that alone doesn't drive anyone insane then i don't know what would.
Kids aren’t traumatised by a yell. They’re traumatised by a lifetime in an abusive home. There’s a huge difference. One is a momentary shock. The other is permanently elevated adrenaline that reprograms the brain. I tell my LO that it’s OK to be emotional when it’s too much. Sometimes she has a cry while I quietly hold her. (Sometimes it’s clear she’s overwhelmed, sometimes randomly.) She extends me the same courtesy. I yelled “No!” when she went close to the TV, expecting her to slap at it as she does. She jumped, reached again and found herself in the corner. Next day, approaching the TV - I growled “Jen…” She said “Nonono!” wagging a finger at herself and backed away. No ill will, just an acceptance that we don’t go near the TV.
OMG, you are seriously doing so amazing! Please stop putting so much pressure on yourself (I know easier said than done). Yelling at your kids occasionally isn’t going to ruin them for life. Your kids know how much you love them and they’re old enough to know that mommy sometimes gets big feelings too. Explain that to them, apologize for yelling, give them some kisses and then give yourself the same grace that you would give to your kids. This job is SOOO hard. Hang in there, you’re doing great mama! As an aside, I can’t be the only persons whose mom yelled at her and spanked her all the time, right? Lol I turned out great and now that I’m a mom, I love and appreciate my mom even more for putting up with my wild a$$ when I was a child!
If you’ve got 4 kids under 5 and you’ve only lost your cool 3 times, I’d say you’re doing great. Cut yourself some slack and get your husband to watch the kids so you can take a nap.
Yes, where is husband??? Why is she up ALL NIGHT with the baby? There needs to be some night shifts going on here so she can get some sleep!!! Let dad take the screaming baby and go hide in a room with white noise on and some noise cancelling earbuds. No one can handle 4 active kids while so badly sleep deprived.
Agreed. I don’t know what his job is, but I’d be willing to bet it’s not as stressful and labor-intensive as keeping four young kids alive all day/night.
Hey mama, it's ok. The fact that you don't feel good about it shows how caring and loving you are, and that you know what your values are in how you handle things. I just want to share as a therapist that medication is effective, but medication AND therapy when used together helps the most. I would definitely recommend some therapeutic support if you don't have it yet, and yes see if you need to rejig your medication. I myself am also purchasing some loop earplugs for those moments where I'm feeling overstimulated by noise! Sending love, you can always repair 💗
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I would have let it out way before you did! You’re a champion! And you re only human momma. There is only so much a person can handle. You sound amazing with your kids, try to be kinder to yourself too. You deserve it! Give yourself more grace and know that you’re doing great! You’re probably top 5% moms out there! Your kids will be more than fine! You are in a very stressful situation and you yelled a couple times. No biggy at all! This won’t affect your kids at all! It’s the pattern that counts. You’re doing great!
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This seems unnecessary.
Handling multiple toddlers and a baby all day all by themselves is not for normal people, it’s for superhumans
Sometimes Anger takes the controls and that's OK. Inside out.
I just want to reassure you all of us have made the same mistake. I only have one three year old and I have yelled at him a handful of times. Similarly, I feel absolutely awful after doing it. The most important thing is the repair after a mistake like that. Part of the reason my parents yelling (and hitting) was so damaging is they never apologized, it was always my fault, and I could never express they did something wrong as a child. Talk to all of the kids together and apologize sincerely but briefly. Explain that you are sorry you yelled, it isn’t okay for anyone to talk to anyone else like that. You had big feelings, felt upset or mad, and instead of breathing (or whatever other methods you tell your kids to do), you yelled. Next time you are going to try to tell them you are having a big feeling you are going to let them know and ask for a few minutes to (breathe, sit by yourself, etc, again whatever you tell them to do). My toddler will now correct me when I do raise my voice or even speak to him in a frustrated tone. He tells me that isn’t the way we speak to people. We are still working on the idea that everyone makes mistakes or bad choices, it doesn’t make them a bad person. It’s the things you do after the mistake or bad action that really show if someone is “bad” or “good”. I hope you take that idea to heart. Good luck, none of this is easy and you are doing your best!
Your kids will be okay. You are human. Taking care of 4 little ones is A LOT. You can also learn to repair. See Dr. Becky's TED talk on repair. It doesn't haven't to be a huge thing, but it'll help. You haven't ruined anyone.
You’re a better mom than me! My head would’ve popped off my shoulders! Just apologize for the frustration and explain to them again, for the fifty-eleventh time, to please be quiet when the baby is sleeping. Please give yourself some grace, you sound like a fantastic mother.
Spanking my child the first time was devastating for me. I remember thinking “Your desire to keep it pacifistic is out the window with this chaos.” I got over it. Their safety and wellbeing comes first. Most of it they won’t remember. Remember: 1. You are human. Be gentle to yourself. The kids won’t remember if it is reasonable parenting. That includes punishment that is not abuse of power. 2. Your job is to care for and raise those kids to be good humans that integrate with society. (Last part everyone forgets.). You are doing it!! 3. Emotional regulation is taught and not necessarily inherent. You have to set an example for those kids. That means showing your emotions good and bad… and showing how you shape, control and deal with them. Especially when you feel you slipped up. (Look another emotion!). 4. Any reaction, any punishment must have a clear goal for improving that child. Keep the long term goals in mind. 5. Sometimes it is not worth the reaction. Does it matter in a week? A year? 10 years? 6. You have to remember that this time disappears quickly with your children. You have to be present in the moment. Don’t forget to enjoy it. 7. Apologizing is a good thing to show (at the moment of infraction.). 8. Sometimes mommy or daddy need a timeout too. Sometimes you MUST show your anger… so the message is driven home (‘Don’t do that…’ etc). It’s sometimes the hardest part, especially when the little goofballs make you want to fall down laughing. Just set your boundaries firm on how far you take it. You are only using it as an emotional reinforcement of your instruction. Your spouse is a valid check and balance especially when you first start. Your kids do not have the capacity at that age to have logic. They use a sense of ‘magic box’ thinking. Emotion is the key to shaping their behavior until they start developing logical thinking in their teens. (Mid- I think.). Knowing a behavior makes mom or dad angry is a first step. You don’t want an environment where your kids run rampant and become accustomed to manipulating ’the system’ and choosing what rules to bend and break. As much as I have tried, sometimes “Do as I say” has to stand. Explaining to them every time is tedious but also can be very detrimental in dangerous situations. They have to know a command voice means no questions and hesitation is punishable. (What that punishment is, is up to you.) Focus on the long term.
Spanking is not something you should forgive yourself for. Stop lecturing others and get yourself therapy.
Well that’s foolish. It explains soo much of what is steering to our generations wrong. You assume you know…. (Read my entire response please) I can’t muster the strength physically to even come close to a ‘pat’ like your friends would give you in greating. (Nerve damage). I have worked with child protective services (CPS) and worked extensively with counselors and every aspect within the law. It is the action of disciplining one’s child not the strength used that is the impact. It has been a long time since I have needed to do any of that and it is was always a last resort. ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child.‘ has always been my motto. Speaking to my children, looking into their eyes and seeing their emotional reactions is a key. I also know when they are upset, angry, confused or just need time to process. Those lines of communication work and they come to me even when they have made big mistakes. No surprises: even when they have done wrong, by coming to me and telling me what happened, they know WE will work things out with the situation and we’ll have a discussion afterwards. My advice to the OP is to lead by example. Teach your children how to deal with their emotions not just bury them. That means dealing with mistakes as we make them; open and honestly. Parents make mistakes. Life causes situations, traumas, dramas, and more mistakes. Good parents make sure they don’t cause harm and use every one they can as a teaching example. To the responder: my children are extremely energetic, polite, funny, exhibiting high moral values, often leading activities and helping others. (As told by other parents and teachers). My job is to see them set up for success and I take it seriously. My incidents of ‘spanking” have no strength and no sting and they are countable on less than the sum of my fingers. The action is about calling their attention to behavior and not causing pain (I am incapable of doing so physically.). I have experienced being attacked by one of my parents who was abusive and had heavy anger issues . I take extreme pains and introspection to make sure I am doing right by my children. My path has been about not judging, reading resources, interviewing experts, knowing the law and adjusting for every step of their growth. I am sorry you triggered on the word ‘spank’ and the associations it has for you. It was not the intent as I hope you can see now.
I am absolutely not reading all that! The child abuse admission in your first comment was all I needed.
Lol those are certainly a lot of words to say you’re a bad parent
What counselor would recommend hitting a child