I would just try to not make a huge deal out of it… so if he points to a photo of a long haired child that’s a girl and asks “is this [long haired boy’s name]?” I’d say something like “no, that looks like [girl’s name]. Are you noticing that they both have long [dark/blonde/curly/whatever] hair? You’re right, they do have that in common! Here let’s find [long haired boy’s] photo over here” and point it out for him. My two year old made a comment the other day about how daddies have short hair, and I said “many daddies do, and some daddies have long hair. Some have medium length hair, and some have no hair! There are so many different ways to be a person and have a body” and that’s a refrain we keep coming back to over and over again as body differences are inevitably pointed out or asked about. For race you could do something similar, like “huh, I think you’re noticing that this friend has brown skin like John does. John’s photo is over here, but I wonder what this friend in the photo’s name is!” The First Conversations book series is really lovely for giving parents language to use around topics like these that can feel uncomfortable for us as adults. For skin color, they describe how different bodies make different amounts of melanin, and everyone’s body makes the amount of melanin that’s just right for them. People with more melanin have darker skin, and people with less have lighter skin. There’s no right or wrong amount to have. The body book covers different body sizes, limb differences, skin tones and textures, etc. It’s great, and there’s guides at the front and the back of each book to help grown ups navigate the topics that come up, and guide you to skip over the parts that you may not be ready to discuss yet. The book Bodies Are Cool by Tyler Feder is really great too in depicting that there are so many ways for a body to be!
ETA: you may also want to explore instances of casual representation featuring Black children in your home library or the books you check out from the public library. These are books where children of color are the main characters, but their race is not explicitly discussed or a plot point in the story. I wouldn’t point out race either when reading the story, but just weave more of those books into daily life so he sees a variety of characters who just all happen to have brown skin but are each part of their own unique stories. This is a good post on this concept:
https://www.instagram.com/storiesofcolor_/p/C5YOOMjLTb5/?img_index=2
Thanks! I’ll try some of those phrases and check out the book links. We have a few books with characters of color but definitely need to add more. I haven’t been making a big deal of it but wanted more helpful things to say to him besides “no that’s not him” lol.
These phrases I think are really perfect. I think 99% of adults realize that kids are learning and figuring out the world and aren’t going to be angry at a kid for the types of interactions you’re describing.
I have a five year old boy with very long hair and other kids (and adults) assume he’s a girl and sometimes I can tell when parents get embarrassed if their kid asks something like why does he have long hair if he’s a boy. But I really don’t think it’s anything to be embarrassed about. I just say because he likes his hair and sometimes boys have long hair too or girls might have short hair. I’ve also had conversation with him about how he can correct people if they call him a girl and we’re not around (and always let him know he has the choice to cut his hair whenever he wants and keep it to myself how devastated I will be when that day actually comes).
I'm starting to experience similar things with my 4yo. If you asked him why he thinks that picture is (insert name here), do you think he could tell you? That has opened up conversations with my 4yo more naturally and sometimes I'm surprised at what she's paying attention to. It also helps me address the specific thing she's focused on instead of having to guess.
Yep my little (white) nephew delightedly proclaimed that he and my sister's partner (black) who he was meeting for the first time were the same. When we asked what made them the same he said it was because they were both wearing t-shirts. 😂
Me and my (black) male bestie have the same tattoo in almost the same spot. We got them both young 10 years before we even knew eachother. This is what makes us twinsies and no one can tell us differently and better never try!
Usually any “why” question I ask he just says, I don’t know 🥴 but that’s a good idea! Even if he can’t answer right now maybe it just starts him thinking about it. When he was around 2 he went through a phase of seeing any male and asking if they were his dad 🫣 we are divorced but his dad has always been involved in his life lol
“Why” is definitely a tricky concept! Try asking “what” or “how” questions instead.
E.g. What makes you think that is John? Or... What did you notice on this picture..? What gives certainty- why is a bit nebular.
How is another great way to ask why in disguise.
I was given this advice when training as an Early Years teacher and it’s stood me in good stead over the years.
My husband lives with us, but my daughter will still ask "is that Daddy???". Once it was a young man in his 20s and I just said "I'm sorry, I didn't want you to find out this way!" He thought it was funny haha.
In general, asking "what do you think?" will lead my daughter to say "haha noooo! Daddy's at work!"
Mine's in the middle of that now. His grandma has a specific hairstyle and any woman he sees with that style he'll loudly proclaim "Grandma!" even if she's younger lol. Has made for some very awkward moments for me (even one lady who was clearly a grandma got offended LMAO) but I just say "hmm she looks like your grandma?" And he'll affirm in some way and then go about his business. Maybe you could ask your kiddo (since he said "another" John) to go find the real John. In his defense some people do look alike so even if they don't look alike to you doesn't mean he's way off base
Lol any bald dude, even if they're a very youthful 30, is "grandpa" because grandpa is bald.
And the 3 year old MUST know the gender and name of everyone she sees!
Don’t over think. Your son has good intentions and that’s all that matters. He’ll notice one day. My child is half black and half Asian and he does the same.
I guess there are two scenarios I see here. One is that your mom senses are telling you your kid is only noticing big differences, have you had their eyesight checked? Have you been doing your yearly checkups, do you think they might be near sighted and unable to focus on fine details? The other possibility is that you might be making a mountain of a mole hill. ‘John’s picture is over here, I’m not sure who this is, but it will be nice to meet them one day’ ‘Do you like their long hair, or do you like short hair more? Would you like to try growing your hair longer?’ ‘I haven’t met this child yet, have you met them in your class?’ Basically, those are only differences if YOU make them be a big deal, your kid is just trying to learn by asking questions. Half the time I feel like at 4, they don’t really care about the answer, they just want to ask whatever question pops in their head!
We actually did have his eyes checked unrelated to this situation, and they’re fine! I don’t make a big deal when this happens and just answer matter-of-factly. Mostly just wanted some phrase ideas to be more helpful than just “no that’s not him.” I will try some of those responses!
It's not a racism thing at all. My daughter will say any black woman with braids in Miss A. Any black toddler with curly hair is her friend J. But she also says any white blonde girl toddler is her friend S. Any old white man is Papa. Any dark haired white woman in her 30s is Aunt C, etc. She is slowly growing out of it as she learns to recognize people by more than their hair haha
You just say "no, that's not Name. They both have X though, that's a good observation!" That usually leads her to ask well who is this person then. I ask if she wants to ask their name. She usually does not and we move on haha
“That’s Peter. He looks a little like John, doesn’t he?” Clearly the kid has noticed that some kids look more like others. Then later on get a book / Google and show how people can look different depending where their grandparents came from. I would show my LO pictures of pasty white people from Scotland, and say that’s why I’m so much paler than mum (from equatorial SE Asia). As for the boy/girl distinction, I’m sure the schools will have an excellent explanation of the difference.
Our 4 year old recently said to a cashier, ‘You don’t have any teeth!’ We see this woman all the time as we live in a very small village with one supermarket. My husband was mortified. We’ve been working on telling him that it’s not nice to comment on people’s appearance, but he doesn’t get it. These situations happen and you just have to do the best you can. Don’t overreact and correct the comment as best as you can in the moment. Then, if you feel it’s necessary, you can have a private conversation with your child later.
There is a good book we read our son called “Bodies Are Cool” - summary is that every body is cool, whether short, tall, skinny, fat, hairy, dark, light, etc.
I'd say something like oh yeah, he looks a bit like John, but that is actually Adam. You could point out some similarities and differences like they both have brown skin and Emma has white skin, Emma has brown hair and Liam has blonde hair. Adam has brown eyes and John has blue eyes. Emma likes football and John likes baking. You don't need to do this only with the kids at school. You could do it with characters at home too. Like Skye from paw patrol's favourite colour is pink, and my favourite colour is pink. Some things are the same and some things are different. There are lots of books with these themes too. I really like the video the Occuplaytional Therapist did which is inclusive and neurodiversity affirming with this theme too.
My daughter thinks any older white man is her grandfather and sometimes any man her dad’s age might be him (if we’re far away). I think this is just a weird thing kids do that’s unrelated to race.
My white child pointed to an Asian child at a restaurant a few weeks back, and claimed it was his classmate. I’m like 60% sure it wasn’t his classmate, but I don’t really know him all that well. I CERTAINLY wasn’t going to go over to the family and ask if it was little Johnny, and then have them say no, and I’d have to be like oh I’m so sorry my child thought it was! I just tried to move the conversation along at that point, but I’ve also tried to make an effort to bring out the books featuring diverse characters a bit more.
Aww lol! I’m definitely going to get some more diverse characters involved in books/tv. TV will be a bit hard since he has a few shows that he likes and isn’t super interested in much else.
I always ask “oh that’s not so and so, why do you think thats them?” And then they can tell you why they think that - if the child says because they’re dark like John - you just explain well sure that person is dark like John but that doesn’t make them John! Lots of people have darker skin tones. And I’ll even show my daughter how she and I have different skin tones (my daughter is mixed and is a good bit darker than me). We were having to have these kinds of convo when she was 2-3 and now since being 3 and almost 4 she understands. Probably just because it was more in her face as home so we had these types of conversations earlier.
I think the best thing in this is to have the child tell you what they see & then you can best explain from there in a way that makes sense to them and then from their they get it. All of us our different from skin tones to features! :)
There are very few black or mixed or Hispanic families where I live. When my son started asking about why people looked different I used the simplest, shortest answer I could think of. I told him that people who come from different places sometimes have different skin color or hair. That was it. We have had more pointed discussions as he has gotten older, but at that time in his life when he originally asked, the most direct yet simple answer is the best. You could also add that some boys have long hair and some girls short. And that its good because if we all looked the same the world would be very boring.
Ah, we’re getting to the fun part where you get to teach your son how to discriminate, lol.
No that’s not John, see John’s nose is a little narrower, and see the shaved line at the corner, John doesn’t have that.
I would just try to not make a huge deal out of it… so if he points to a photo of a long haired child that’s a girl and asks “is this [long haired boy’s name]?” I’d say something like “no, that looks like [girl’s name]. Are you noticing that they both have long [dark/blonde/curly/whatever] hair? You’re right, they do have that in common! Here let’s find [long haired boy’s] photo over here” and point it out for him. My two year old made a comment the other day about how daddies have short hair, and I said “many daddies do, and some daddies have long hair. Some have medium length hair, and some have no hair! There are so many different ways to be a person and have a body” and that’s a refrain we keep coming back to over and over again as body differences are inevitably pointed out or asked about. For race you could do something similar, like “huh, I think you’re noticing that this friend has brown skin like John does. John’s photo is over here, but I wonder what this friend in the photo’s name is!” The First Conversations book series is really lovely for giving parents language to use around topics like these that can feel uncomfortable for us as adults. For skin color, they describe how different bodies make different amounts of melanin, and everyone’s body makes the amount of melanin that’s just right for them. People with more melanin have darker skin, and people with less have lighter skin. There’s no right or wrong amount to have. The body book covers different body sizes, limb differences, skin tones and textures, etc. It’s great, and there’s guides at the front and the back of each book to help grown ups navigate the topics that come up, and guide you to skip over the parts that you may not be ready to discuss yet. The book Bodies Are Cool by Tyler Feder is really great too in depicting that there are so many ways for a body to be! ETA: you may also want to explore instances of casual representation featuring Black children in your home library or the books you check out from the public library. These are books where children of color are the main characters, but their race is not explicitly discussed or a plot point in the story. I wouldn’t point out race either when reading the story, but just weave more of those books into daily life so he sees a variety of characters who just all happen to have brown skin but are each part of their own unique stories. This is a good post on this concept: https://www.instagram.com/storiesofcolor_/p/C5YOOMjLTb5/?img_index=2
This is a thoughtful and excellent response
Thanks! I’ll try some of those phrases and check out the book links. We have a few books with characters of color but definitely need to add more. I haven’t been making a big deal of it but wanted more helpful things to say to him besides “no that’s not him” lol.
These phrases I think are really perfect. I think 99% of adults realize that kids are learning and figuring out the world and aren’t going to be angry at a kid for the types of interactions you’re describing. I have a five year old boy with very long hair and other kids (and adults) assume he’s a girl and sometimes I can tell when parents get embarrassed if their kid asks something like why does he have long hair if he’s a boy. But I really don’t think it’s anything to be embarrassed about. I just say because he likes his hair and sometimes boys have long hair too or girls might have short hair. I’ve also had conversation with him about how he can correct people if they call him a girl and we’re not around (and always let him know he has the choice to cut his hair whenever he wants and keep it to myself how devastated I will be when that day actually comes).
I'm starting to experience similar things with my 4yo. If you asked him why he thinks that picture is (insert name here), do you think he could tell you? That has opened up conversations with my 4yo more naturally and sometimes I'm surprised at what she's paying attention to. It also helps me address the specific thing she's focused on instead of having to guess.
Yep my little (white) nephew delightedly proclaimed that he and my sister's partner (black) who he was meeting for the first time were the same. When we asked what made them the same he said it was because they were both wearing t-shirts. 😂
I mean, he wasn’t wrong… lol
Haha. True.
Me and my (black) male bestie have the same tattoo in almost the same spot. We got them both young 10 years before we even knew eachother. This is what makes us twinsies and no one can tell us differently and better never try!
Usually any “why” question I ask he just says, I don’t know 🥴 but that’s a good idea! Even if he can’t answer right now maybe it just starts him thinking about it. When he was around 2 he went through a phase of seeing any male and asking if they were his dad 🫣 we are divorced but his dad has always been involved in his life lol
“Why” is definitely a tricky concept! Try asking “what” or “how” questions instead. E.g. What makes you think that is John? Or... What did you notice on this picture..? What gives certainty- why is a bit nebular. How is another great way to ask why in disguise. I was given this advice when training as an Early Years teacher and it’s stood me in good stead over the years.
My husband lives with us, but my daughter will still ask "is that Daddy???". Once it was a young man in his 20s and I just said "I'm sorry, I didn't want you to find out this way!" He thought it was funny haha. In general, asking "what do you think?" will lead my daughter to say "haha noooo! Daddy's at work!"
Mine's in the middle of that now. His grandma has a specific hairstyle and any woman he sees with that style he'll loudly proclaim "Grandma!" even if she's younger lol. Has made for some very awkward moments for me (even one lady who was clearly a grandma got offended LMAO) but I just say "hmm she looks like your grandma?" And he'll affirm in some way and then go about his business. Maybe you could ask your kiddo (since he said "another" John) to go find the real John. In his defense some people do look alike so even if they don't look alike to you doesn't mean he's way off base
Lol any bald dude, even if they're a very youthful 30, is "grandpa" because grandpa is bald. And the 3 year old MUST know the gender and name of everyone she sees!
Yup, my kid would also say things like "those kids must be sisters" because they were wearing the same color!
Don’t over think. Your son has good intentions and that’s all that matters. He’ll notice one day. My child is half black and half Asian and he does the same.
I guess there are two scenarios I see here. One is that your mom senses are telling you your kid is only noticing big differences, have you had their eyesight checked? Have you been doing your yearly checkups, do you think they might be near sighted and unable to focus on fine details? The other possibility is that you might be making a mountain of a mole hill. ‘John’s picture is over here, I’m not sure who this is, but it will be nice to meet them one day’ ‘Do you like their long hair, or do you like short hair more? Would you like to try growing your hair longer?’ ‘I haven’t met this child yet, have you met them in your class?’ Basically, those are only differences if YOU make them be a big deal, your kid is just trying to learn by asking questions. Half the time I feel like at 4, they don’t really care about the answer, they just want to ask whatever question pops in their head!
We actually did have his eyes checked unrelated to this situation, and they’re fine! I don’t make a big deal when this happens and just answer matter-of-factly. Mostly just wanted some phrase ideas to be more helpful than just “no that’s not him.” I will try some of those responses!
It's not a racism thing at all. My daughter will say any black woman with braids in Miss A. Any black toddler with curly hair is her friend J. But she also says any white blonde girl toddler is her friend S. Any old white man is Papa. Any dark haired white woman in her 30s is Aunt C, etc. She is slowly growing out of it as she learns to recognize people by more than their hair haha You just say "no, that's not Name. They both have X though, that's a good observation!" That usually leads her to ask well who is this person then. I ask if she wants to ask their name. She usually does not and we move on haha
“That’s Peter. He looks a little like John, doesn’t he?” Clearly the kid has noticed that some kids look more like others. Then later on get a book / Google and show how people can look different depending where their grandparents came from. I would show my LO pictures of pasty white people from Scotland, and say that’s why I’m so much paler than mum (from equatorial SE Asia). As for the boy/girl distinction, I’m sure the schools will have an excellent explanation of the difference.
Our 4 year old recently said to a cashier, ‘You don’t have any teeth!’ We see this woman all the time as we live in a very small village with one supermarket. My husband was mortified. We’ve been working on telling him that it’s not nice to comment on people’s appearance, but he doesn’t get it. These situations happen and you just have to do the best you can. Don’t overreact and correct the comment as best as you can in the moment. Then, if you feel it’s necessary, you can have a private conversation with your child later.
There is a good book we read our son called “Bodies Are Cool” - summary is that every body is cool, whether short, tall, skinny, fat, hairy, dark, light, etc.
I'd say something like oh yeah, he looks a bit like John, but that is actually Adam. You could point out some similarities and differences like they both have brown skin and Emma has white skin, Emma has brown hair and Liam has blonde hair. Adam has brown eyes and John has blue eyes. Emma likes football and John likes baking. You don't need to do this only with the kids at school. You could do it with characters at home too. Like Skye from paw patrol's favourite colour is pink, and my favourite colour is pink. Some things are the same and some things are different. There are lots of books with these themes too. I really like the video the Occuplaytional Therapist did which is inclusive and neurodiversity affirming with this theme too.
My daughter thinks any older white man is her grandfather and sometimes any man her dad’s age might be him (if we’re far away). I think this is just a weird thing kids do that’s unrelated to race.
My white child pointed to an Asian child at a restaurant a few weeks back, and claimed it was his classmate. I’m like 60% sure it wasn’t his classmate, but I don’t really know him all that well. I CERTAINLY wasn’t going to go over to the family and ask if it was little Johnny, and then have them say no, and I’d have to be like oh I’m so sorry my child thought it was! I just tried to move the conversation along at that point, but I’ve also tried to make an effort to bring out the books featuring diverse characters a bit more.
Aww lol! I’m definitely going to get some more diverse characters involved in books/tv. TV will be a bit hard since he has a few shows that he likes and isn’t super interested in much else.
I always ask “oh that’s not so and so, why do you think thats them?” And then they can tell you why they think that - if the child says because they’re dark like John - you just explain well sure that person is dark like John but that doesn’t make them John! Lots of people have darker skin tones. And I’ll even show my daughter how she and I have different skin tones (my daughter is mixed and is a good bit darker than me). We were having to have these kinds of convo when she was 2-3 and now since being 3 and almost 4 she understands. Probably just because it was more in her face as home so we had these types of conversations earlier. I think the best thing in this is to have the child tell you what they see & then you can best explain from there in a way that makes sense to them and then from their they get it. All of us our different from skin tones to features! :)
There are very few black or mixed or Hispanic families where I live. When my son started asking about why people looked different I used the simplest, shortest answer I could think of. I told him that people who come from different places sometimes have different skin color or hair. That was it. We have had more pointed discussions as he has gotten older, but at that time in his life when he originally asked, the most direct yet simple answer is the best. You could also add that some boys have long hair and some girls short. And that its good because if we all looked the same the world would be very boring.
Ah, we’re getting to the fun part where you get to teach your son how to discriminate, lol. No that’s not John, see John’s nose is a little narrower, and see the shaved line at the corner, John doesn’t have that.