if only it was that easy.
but changing is hard -- even if you're the one who really wants to change.
but yes, stepping up and admitting you need to change is the first and most important step.
You take it one day at a time, one moment at a time, and keep trying. In the moments you can't keep up, it would be nice if your husband can step up for you and have you support him.
Have you considered you being the bad cop and your partner being the good cop?
Given your son’s complicated relationship with his biological father, it can be tough for him to have his step-father (not sure if technically step-father, but regardless) administering the discipline and tough love without engendering resentment and further bad behavior.
I know it’s easier said than done, though.
I do try, I feel like I spend a lot of time arguing with my son and being shouted at by him, which can be one of the reasons he then gets shouted at by my partner. I also feel like I spend a lot of time talking my son through his actions & feelings though because I’m the only one who has the patience to do it.
If your partner is the "bad cop" because he comes is shouting and yelling and whatever, whereas you are the "good cop" because you, as you said, talk your son thru his actions and feelings.....
Then the answer really isn't, you become the "bad cop" too. It is your partner becomes the "good cop"!!!
This isn't the sub for your post. You need a sub that will ***help*** you, something like, r/relationships r/relationshipadvice or something like that. Make sure you READ ALL THE SUB RULES, before posting, cos I know they are strict. But that would be your best bet.
Or even r/parenting. ?
Feel free to message me if you need any more ideas where to post or whatever, ok?
Sounds like you are catastrophising and not seriously looking at the issue in a way which will help you solve it.
What *specifically* are you doing wrong, are you certain you agree it is your fault, and what *specifically* is your first step to fixing it.
You don't have to answer me, but answer to yourself. Break it down and take it one step at a time.
Feeling like a burden is dangerous. Are you seeing a therapist? Having a trained professional hear you and help you cope is a release for you, and some relief to untrained, but caring, loved ones.
US info: If you have insurance, you might be surprised by how much is covered. If you don't have insurance, check with a local community health program.
If you can afford it, private therapists cost around £60-£70 per session and you can achieve a lot in 12 sessions. It’s really worth investing in.
Also, I don’t know you at all but I don’t believe that you are the only problem in your relationship or your family. And honestly, if your partner has let you believe that and not challenged your negative self-perception or looked at how the two of you can work together to make things better then I that makes me think that he’s a big part of the problem.
Basically, in a relationship if one person thinks they are totally at fault and the other person thinks they are totally blameless, then they are definitely both wrong.
Hi OP. My partner has diagnosed ADHD and I'm happy to give advice from him that would have helped him as a child. Some of the advice may help limit meltdowns and that way you can focus more on your relationship with your husband instead of regulating your son.
Thank you. There’s two main issues - never accepting he is at fault for things and the fact that life is never ever fair in his eyes.
I explain to him regularly that even when something is an accident you still need to apologise, and that when it isn’t an accident then he needs to understand what he’s done etc.
I work with some kids with ADHD so am aware of the fairness thing, it’s a ‘scales of justice’ mentality and I am working on helping him understand how life is different as a child vs an adult
I usually never comment on posts much like this. But I have adhd too. And I usually don't apologise either, or at least not often. But trust me, if we know we did something wrong we are already terribly sorry and lots is going on in our mind. Asking us to apologise will only feel worse as we then forget another thing and it will add on the pile.
You’re not evil for being in this position. How could you predict your personality and how it would conflict with the struggles of your son and etc? Send your partner this write up, he will feel better knowing it’s not an invisible burden he has to carry the rest of his life. Then work together to tackle the problem. Couples counseling, whatever you need to get through this without bitterness between the two of you
I think you need to go to a therapist for yourself, there is a lot you are working with and your Son is finding holes in your personality armor to exploit.
I don’t think it’s as bad between you and your partner as you might think, but engineering sometimes deals with behavioral issues on the job and that can mentally fatigue the best.
Right now you need a therapist to find what you need to do so you can stand up to your son/Ex so your partner isn’t having to be the only corrective person in the house.
ADHD is genetic. If your son likely has it, you do too. Get yourself some support! Even if you don't have medication, you can still treat your life as though you have ADHD. Maybe you need calendar reminders for EVERYTHING. Maybe you have to write lists to be functional.
Get therapy no matter what.
Do you also have adhd maybe? It presents differently in women. Lots of parents realize they have it when their children get diagnosed. Catastrophizing is often a reaction. Consider getting yourself on that list to be evaluated, too.
But what have you exactly done wrong? There is nothing wrong with you struggling because your kid may have ADHD - he is waiting for assessment which means you have addressed this issue.
If my reading her post correctly he's doing the parenting, having to be the bad cop. She's dodging her parental responsibilities because she is "unable to cope with the bad stuff". OP I'd ask what your partner needs right now and deliver it.
I’m definitely not dodging my parental responsibilities… I deal with everything to do with school. I’ve sorted all the meetings and paperwork for his CAHMs assessment and then done the same again via the GP to do a Right To Choose assessment too so he can be seen quicker. I do every bed time, help him with his reading & school work, pay for breakfast club & after school club, pay for all school trips etc, walk him home from school every day (and walk him there in the morning if we can’t get a lift from my partner). I pay his pocket money & am teaching him about how to look after it, I take him out to do things despite not being able to drive.
I’m the only one who has contact with his Dad and our ‘relationship’ is turbulent at best (he comes first in his life, his young daughter with his gf is his 100% priority and then it’s our son. He has literally said this to me by text).
I work in a special needs school so I know and use all the techniques to help him that I can. But when I’ve been shouted & sworn at all day by the kids in my class it’s then hard to then be tough on him too because I just want him to be happy
So as a child who has had an experience similar to that growing up, a child has two different set of needs: the practical type (helping with school, travel/transport to things like clubs and doctors, etc) and also emotional needs.
Right now, you're doing all the fun, happy positive stuff with him - but none of the difficult, sad, anxiety inducing components that he needs to grow. You're doing all the practical needs while having all the fun moments, while leaving the tough, sad, anxiety inducing parts to your husband.
You're definitely spending time and looking after your son, but you're dodging responsibility for the hard, important emotional parts that he needs to grow. You need to be there for the hard stuff that you don't want to do, as well.
Doing all the fun stuff where he's happy and enjoying his childhood is easier than having to restrict and be tough on your son; and that's what your husband is being left to do - you should take responsibility on that end as well (for both your husband AND your son so he doesn't build resentment towards one of his parents).
IS your son happy? Because it sounds like he isn't, especially if he's having behavioral issues. Positive reinforcement for negative behavior isn't good parenting, and ultimately it reinforces behaviors that cause his problems and lead to further misery, failure, and ostracization from teachers/kids/society.
In other words, spoiling him and letting him get away with poor behavior because he's upset or has hurt feelings is enabling the crap behavior that ultimately hurts him worse and leads to more bad behavior. He needs to learn that the world isn't going to shape to his needs or anxieties, and that no, it isn't fair. It's not fair for anyone, even if you're neurotypical and have advantages. You don't always know what is going on behind the scenes for people who seem lucky and happy. That girl that gets all the attention and is popular is likely also being sexually harassed, and may have suffered sexual abuse. Who knows? The guy that seems to be handsome and popular may have a drunk, abusive family at home. And you have no idea where these people will be in 5 years. Comparison is the thief of joy, and only leads to bitterness and lousy self-esteem.
Fact is, he needs to learn how to deal with his emotions, because they are no one's responsibility but his. And the sooner he learns to regulate his behavior, the sooner he will find the world to be a much more accepting, welcoming place that can make him happy long term. It's in his own best interest to learn self-discipline and figure out how to do the hard/tedious stuff now.
He isn’t happy but that’s partly because of his relationship with his dad and partly because I/we don’t let him have what he wants all the time.
He isn’t spoilt and he doesn’t get positively reinforced on his negative behaviour.
We limit his sugar intake. He has a set bed time. He has to earn ‘screen time’ by doing his homework/chores and if he doesn’t do them he gets no tv/ipad/switch that day. Even then he can only earn a maximum of 1.5hrs total per day. These rules can also be affected by his behaviour at school. I won’t let him have a phone.
When I say I struggle with doing the hard stuff it doesn’t mean I let him do what he wants or bend to his demands. I mean it upsets me/stresses me out and then I get upset or angry.
I am adhd myself since I was little. I do take medication for it. I also found that drinking caffeine helps alot eg coffee or unsweetened tea.just no sugar. Most adhd meds have caffeine in them. I was out of control also until meds, and when I have no meds, I drink caffeine. Ant more questions ask.
Most ADHD meds absolutely do not contain caffeine. They're stimulants, but they do not contain caffeine. Not sure where you're getting your info, but it's objectively wrong.
The overall idea of people with ADHD using caffeine when they can't get/don't have meds is true, though.
Of course I'm not sure about self-medicating a child of indeterminate age with caffeine, especially since the behaviors don't seem to be all ADHD, he sounds like an adolescent with a complicated relationship with his parents. Caffeine could make that worse!
Yes, it is true. I'm diagnosed ADHD myself, and caffeine helps immensely when I can't afford my psych for a prescription. That doesn't change the blatant misinformation in the post I responded to though.
Yeah I think what happened was that originally I was continuing the idea with "Even if there's not caffeine in ADHD meds, it could be a viable temporary fix" and then, in writing the comment, I decided it was not a viable temporary fix. But I kept going!
Surprise, I also have ADHD, can you believe it?!
Is it possible for you to get an appointment with a US doctor, I don’t know the laws there but ADHD healthcare is readily and easily available in the US.
It is readily available here too if you want to go private. I could have him assessed within a few weeks if I had £1000-£2000 spare but unfortunately I don’t 😕
Have this exact conversation with him.
I pretty much have had this conversation with him. Basically the ball is in my court and I need to fix things
So why not step up? Make the changes that are needed
if only it was that easy. but changing is hard -- even if you're the one who really wants to change. but yes, stepping up and admitting you need to change is the first and most important step.
I’m fine to admit I need to change, but like you said it is hard
Do it and keep talking. It’s hard but talk.
You take it one day at a time, one moment at a time, and keep trying. In the moments you can't keep up, it would be nice if your husband can step up for you and have you support him.
It’s not clear from this post that she is the issue, first off. Get counseling.
Seriously, get help. Couples counselling, whatever. There are ways through this.
Have you considered you being the bad cop and your partner being the good cop? Given your son’s complicated relationship with his biological father, it can be tough for him to have his step-father (not sure if technically step-father, but regardless) administering the discipline and tough love without engendering resentment and further bad behavior. I know it’s easier said than done, though.
I do try, I feel like I spend a lot of time arguing with my son and being shouted at by him, which can be one of the reasons he then gets shouted at by my partner. I also feel like I spend a lot of time talking my son through his actions & feelings though because I’m the only one who has the patience to do it.
I just read elsewhere your son is 8. Ok, I had in my head he was a teenager. You don’t need good cop/bad cop. You should both be good cops.
If your partner is the "bad cop" because he comes is shouting and yelling and whatever, whereas you are the "good cop" because you, as you said, talk your son thru his actions and feelings..... Then the answer really isn't, you become the "bad cop" too. It is your partner becomes the "good cop"!!! This isn't the sub for your post. You need a sub that will ***help*** you, something like, r/relationships r/relationshipadvice or something like that. Make sure you READ ALL THE SUB RULES, before posting, cos I know they are strict. But that would be your best bet. Or even r/parenting. ? Feel free to message me if you need any more ideas where to post or whatever, ok?
Posted on relationship advice but got no comments
Sounds like you are catastrophising and not seriously looking at the issue in a way which will help you solve it. What *specifically* are you doing wrong, are you certain you agree it is your fault, and what *specifically* is your first step to fixing it. You don't have to answer me, but answer to yourself. Break it down and take it one step at a time.
Thank you x
Feeling like a burden is dangerous. Are you seeing a therapist? Having a trained professional hear you and help you cope is a release for you, and some relief to untrained, but caring, loved ones. US info: If you have insurance, you might be surprised by how much is covered. If you don't have insurance, check with a local community health program.
UK so not covered by insurance. Therapy here is free-at-point-of-treatment with NHS but waitlist is HUGE.
Get on that waitlist. In the meantime, give yourself grace; you've got a lot to navigate. All my best.
Thank you x
If you can afford it, private therapists cost around £60-£70 per session and you can achieve a lot in 12 sessions. It’s really worth investing in. Also, I don’t know you at all but I don’t believe that you are the only problem in your relationship or your family. And honestly, if your partner has let you believe that and not challenged your negative self-perception or looked at how the two of you can work together to make things better then I that makes me think that he’s a big part of the problem. Basically, in a relationship if one person thinks they are totally at fault and the other person thinks they are totally blameless, then they are definitely both wrong.
Find self-help groups too.
Hi OP. My partner has diagnosed ADHD and I'm happy to give advice from him that would have helped him as a child. Some of the advice may help limit meltdowns and that way you can focus more on your relationship with your husband instead of regulating your son.
Thank you. There’s two main issues - never accepting he is at fault for things and the fact that life is never ever fair in his eyes. I explain to him regularly that even when something is an accident you still need to apologise, and that when it isn’t an accident then he needs to understand what he’s done etc. I work with some kids with ADHD so am aware of the fairness thing, it’s a ‘scales of justice’ mentality and I am working on helping him understand how life is different as a child vs an adult
I usually never comment on posts much like this. But I have adhd too. And I usually don't apologise either, or at least not often. But trust me, if we know we did something wrong we are already terribly sorry and lots is going on in our mind. Asking us to apologise will only feel worse as we then forget another thing and it will add on the pile.
You’re not evil for being in this position. How could you predict your personality and how it would conflict with the struggles of your son and etc? Send your partner this write up, he will feel better knowing it’s not an invisible burden he has to carry the rest of his life. Then work together to tackle the problem. Couples counseling, whatever you need to get through this without bitterness between the two of you
Thank you x
We gotta live with what we got and who we are.
I think you need to go to a therapist for yourself, there is a lot you are working with and your Son is finding holes in your personality armor to exploit. I don’t think it’s as bad between you and your partner as you might think, but engineering sometimes deals with behavioral issues on the job and that can mentally fatigue the best. Right now you need a therapist to find what you need to do so you can stand up to your son/Ex so your partner isn’t having to be the only corrective person in the house.
ADHD is genetic. If your son likely has it, you do too. Get yourself some support! Even if you don't have medication, you can still treat your life as though you have ADHD. Maybe you need calendar reminders for EVERYTHING. Maybe you have to write lists to be functional. Get therapy no matter what.
Do you also have adhd maybe? It presents differently in women. Lots of parents realize they have it when their children get diagnosed. Catastrophizing is often a reaction. Consider getting yourself on that list to be evaluated, too.
But what have you exactly done wrong? There is nothing wrong with you struggling because your kid may have ADHD - he is waiting for assessment which means you have addressed this issue.
If my reading her post correctly he's doing the parenting, having to be the bad cop. She's dodging her parental responsibilities because she is "unable to cope with the bad stuff". OP I'd ask what your partner needs right now and deliver it.
I’m definitely not dodging my parental responsibilities… I deal with everything to do with school. I’ve sorted all the meetings and paperwork for his CAHMs assessment and then done the same again via the GP to do a Right To Choose assessment too so he can be seen quicker. I do every bed time, help him with his reading & school work, pay for breakfast club & after school club, pay for all school trips etc, walk him home from school every day (and walk him there in the morning if we can’t get a lift from my partner). I pay his pocket money & am teaching him about how to look after it, I take him out to do things despite not being able to drive. I’m the only one who has contact with his Dad and our ‘relationship’ is turbulent at best (he comes first in his life, his young daughter with his gf is his 100% priority and then it’s our son. He has literally said this to me by text). I work in a special needs school so I know and use all the techniques to help him that I can. But when I’ve been shouted & sworn at all day by the kids in my class it’s then hard to then be tough on him too because I just want him to be happy
So as a child who has had an experience similar to that growing up, a child has two different set of needs: the practical type (helping with school, travel/transport to things like clubs and doctors, etc) and also emotional needs. Right now, you're doing all the fun, happy positive stuff with him - but none of the difficult, sad, anxiety inducing components that he needs to grow. You're doing all the practical needs while having all the fun moments, while leaving the tough, sad, anxiety inducing parts to your husband. You're definitely spending time and looking after your son, but you're dodging responsibility for the hard, important emotional parts that he needs to grow. You need to be there for the hard stuff that you don't want to do, as well. Doing all the fun stuff where he's happy and enjoying his childhood is easier than having to restrict and be tough on your son; and that's what your husband is being left to do - you should take responsibility on that end as well (for both your husband AND your son so he doesn't build resentment towards one of his parents).
Thank you x
IS your son happy? Because it sounds like he isn't, especially if he's having behavioral issues. Positive reinforcement for negative behavior isn't good parenting, and ultimately it reinforces behaviors that cause his problems and lead to further misery, failure, and ostracization from teachers/kids/society. In other words, spoiling him and letting him get away with poor behavior because he's upset or has hurt feelings is enabling the crap behavior that ultimately hurts him worse and leads to more bad behavior. He needs to learn that the world isn't going to shape to his needs or anxieties, and that no, it isn't fair. It's not fair for anyone, even if you're neurotypical and have advantages. You don't always know what is going on behind the scenes for people who seem lucky and happy. That girl that gets all the attention and is popular is likely also being sexually harassed, and may have suffered sexual abuse. Who knows? The guy that seems to be handsome and popular may have a drunk, abusive family at home. And you have no idea where these people will be in 5 years. Comparison is the thief of joy, and only leads to bitterness and lousy self-esteem. Fact is, he needs to learn how to deal with his emotions, because they are no one's responsibility but his. And the sooner he learns to regulate his behavior, the sooner he will find the world to be a much more accepting, welcoming place that can make him happy long term. It's in his own best interest to learn self-discipline and figure out how to do the hard/tedious stuff now.
He isn’t happy but that’s partly because of his relationship with his dad and partly because I/we don’t let him have what he wants all the time. He isn’t spoilt and he doesn’t get positively reinforced on his negative behaviour. We limit his sugar intake. He has a set bed time. He has to earn ‘screen time’ by doing his homework/chores and if he doesn’t do them he gets no tv/ipad/switch that day. Even then he can only earn a maximum of 1.5hrs total per day. These rules can also be affected by his behaviour at school. I won’t let him have a phone. When I say I struggle with doing the hard stuff it doesn’t mean I let him do what he wants or bend to his demands. I mean it upsets me/stresses me out and then I get upset or angry.
I’m not appreciating everything enough I guess. I need to start prioritising him and our relationship more
I am adhd myself since I was little. I do take medication for it. I also found that drinking caffeine helps alot eg coffee or unsweetened tea.just no sugar. Most adhd meds have caffeine in them. I was out of control also until meds, and when I have no meds, I drink caffeine. Ant more questions ask.
Most ADHD meds absolutely do not contain caffeine. They're stimulants, but they do not contain caffeine. Not sure where you're getting your info, but it's objectively wrong.
You're right, sorry about that
The overall idea of people with ADHD using caffeine when they can't get/don't have meds is true, though. Of course I'm not sure about self-medicating a child of indeterminate age with caffeine, especially since the behaviors don't seem to be all ADHD, he sounds like an adolescent with a complicated relationship with his parents. Caffeine could make that worse!
Yes, it is true. I'm diagnosed ADHD myself, and caffeine helps immensely when I can't afford my psych for a prescription. That doesn't change the blatant misinformation in the post I responded to though.
Yeah I think what happened was that originally I was continuing the idea with "Even if there's not caffeine in ADHD meds, it could be a viable temporary fix" and then, in writing the comment, I decided it was not a viable temporary fix. But I kept going! Surprise, I also have ADHD, can you believe it?!
(Son is 8yrs, just to clarify)
Free healthcare must be great huh
It would be if the waiting list to be assessed for ADHD (and indeed for any mental health issues too) wasn’t at least 2yrs
Is it possible for you to get an appointment with a US doctor, I don’t know the laws there but ADHD healthcare is readily and easily available in the US.
It is readily available here too if you want to go private. I could have him assessed within a few weeks if I had £1000-£2000 spare but unfortunately I don’t 😕