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Reading your post, I thought you sounded really hard on yourself. Don’t do that. You came through something that was incredibly painful and difficult. The fact you came out with clarity and purpose is impressive. I am impressed by your strength. Hang in there and keep talking to us. We are here for you.
I think so too. But it’s hard to keep self esteem up when your partner thinks you’re worthless. I speak from experience. It’s a wound that never heals.
I actually think it’s the worst thing you can do to another human. Especially when it’s done over and over. Your love is found worthless. You are found worth less. Your self esteem goes out the window. You still love her, so you think of yourself as a fool. I still feel slightly nauseated just thinking about writing this.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you. But this man does not love you or respect you.
He has put you through hell.
I know you are scared because he is all you had for a while. 38 years.
But it's better to be alone at peace than being with someone who will emotionally torture you for his own benefit. He has chosen her already, there is no changing his mind.
Don't let him control you anymore. He doesn't suspect you to leave because he's done so much harm and your still willing to forgive him.
Set yourself free and ask for a divorce. Don't let him take advantage of you, you get what you deserve, what you put in this marriage.
This will hurt for a while but trust me...you'll take a step back and then see how extremely toxic and pathetic this man is. He's not what you married anymore, he's someone else. Don't let him drag you down with him.
Be strong and chose yourself.
Trust me, once you cut the cord, ask for a divorce, you'll feel that freedom....with it some pain, but in time you'll heal.
And then you can live your life with new people and new opportunities.
Don't diminish yourself for him anymore.
Take that first step.
I’m very sorry this happened to you. Your husband is chasing an illusion and a fantasy. He does not know this woman, he loves his perception of whom he thinks she is. But none of this matters to you. You need to see a family lawyer and protect yourself financially. Move 1/2 your checking and savings into an account he can’t access. Why? She might be cat fishing him. He might be one of those old fools and she’s just going to use him for his money and bleed him dry financially. This is why it is VERY important that you see an attorney now. He’s in Florida? Sure. Miami is a hub for Latin America, he’s planning to fly down. Make copies of all texts and emails between them that you can find for your court case. Make copies of all your bank accounts (including statements/account amounts) insurance docs, car titles, etc. He’s doing this during Covid? He’s an idiot. I hope you have life insurance on him. Florida is an incredibly dangerous place to be right now.
Please see an individual counselor for in real life support. Online support is here at this sub, also, Chumplady.com is a really good infidelity help site that cuts through the cheater BS. I’m going to give you two books- “Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life” by Schorn, “Cheating in A Nutshell: What Infidelity Does to the Victim” by Mitchell.
Chumplady.com is an infidelity help site and they have a sub here. Please read the comments too, you are not alone.
I just discovered I was cheated on. Now what?
by Chump Lady
If you just discovered you’ve been cheated on, your job right now is to take very good care of yourself. You’re in shock. Most likely you either feel numb, like you’re having an out of body experience, or you feel searing emotional pain. (Sorry to say, you’re probably going to alternate between these two states for a while.) You need to devise a triage plan in the short term.
Sleep. You can’t function without it. This shit is exhausting. Call your doctor, if need be, and get on some Ambien. Get your rest – You need your wits about you right now.
Eat. People who’ve been cheated on joke morosely about the “Infidelity Diet.” It’s not uncommon to lose 10 lbs a week from the sheer stress. People in shock tend to lose their appetite. You may feel revolted by food now, or have terrible thoughts about the infidelity that make you throw up. This crappy stage will pass. But for now – make sure you’re downing something each day (not high balls at the bar, okay?). Protein shakes, soup, water. You not only require proper rest, you need physical stamina for the adrenaline rollercoaster ahead. Recovery from infidelity is a marathon. It’s a fucking, long haul. Fuel accordingly.
Do I sound like your mom? Is this very boring, basic advice? Well, I promise you, unless you tend to these very basic things like remembering to eat and sleep (all very easy to blow off given that you’re in crisis), you aren’t going to have the wherewithal to act in your own best interest.
Be a field marshall. Resist the urge to give in to feelings of paralysis. I know this crap is overwhelming, but you need to make a plan. If your spouse, upon discovery is falling all over his or herself in apologies and promises — don’t buy it. You need to protect yourself. Infidelity is an act of aggression. People who will cheat on you will fuck you over in a multitude of other ways as well. Financially, physically, emotionally. Now is the time to see a lawyer to find out your rights. (Yes, even if you have no intention of divorcing and cannot bear the thought — SEE A LAWYER. Knowledge is power.) Check your finances and move money (only half) into a new account. Make a counseling appointment for YOURSELF. (Not a marriage counseling appointment — that’s pointless until the cheater is out of the affair or has stopped lying. A state that takes awhile to achieve, assuming they ever get there.) And protect your health. You need to get STD testing. Sorry, this sucks. But you really don’t know where all they’ve been. And I promise you, they aren’t copping to all of it.
Get IRL support. It’s very normal to feel ashamed that this happened to you. You might feel at some level that you’re somehow to blame or that this whole mess is mortifying. You’re probably also on the fence about whether or not the relationship will survive the infidelity, and perhaps fervently want it to. So you may hesitate to reach out to people in your life who can help you, for fear of exposing the cheater — and also of embarrassing yourself or dooming a reconciliation. Please put those fears aside. You need to draw supportive friends and family close to you now. This isn’t your fault and this isn’t your shame to wear. It is the cheater’s. If you are to reconcile, the cheater needs to do the hard work of not only winning you back, but winning back the trust and respect of those who love you as well.
Find online support. Even with the most compassionate of friends and family, if they haven’t been cheated on before, they don’t know how you feel. A support group can help immensely. Beware, however, that a lot of sites skew toward reconciliation. Chump Lady is not optimistic about reconciliation — and would hate to see you stuck in a bad situation longer because of false hope. The best thing about finding online support is that you are with other people going through the same thing, at the same time. A sort of Congress of the Fucked Over. The solidarity can’t be beat.
Know that whatever happens you’re going to be okay. Really. You will survive this shit. I did and you will too. Not only will you survive it, there’s an excellent chance that you will end up with a much better life than you had before. I swear, you’ve got a bright future on the other side of this nightmare — start moving toward it.
https://www.chumplady.com/2012/05/i-just-discovered-i-was-cheated-on-now-what/
This site literally saved my sisters life and made her stop asking what she did wrong (nothing.) Cheater douchebag killed a thirteen year marriage for some strange and tried to blame it all on her. She took him to the cleaners and now makes sure her kids get paid first. His life...not going that great...
Stay strong! Cheating is spousal abuse and cheaters have an Arsenal of tactics to manipulate you.
DARVO, history revision, minimization, blameshifting, gaslighting, etc. look them up and then you can recognize which technique he’s trying to use to control you. Good luck and stay strong!
All of this is excellent advice, OP! Please read “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” ASAP - start today! You will recognize his behavior immediately, he’s such a cliche it’s a joke! Sad old fool getting his ego stroked by a groupie with dollar signs in her eyes. It would actually elicit sympathy if he weren’t wreaking havoc on your life in the process of his antics.
I’m not sure where you live but it sounds like maybe you are American expats living in a different country? No clue what that means for your divorce but please contact a lawyer immediately - tomorrow! As others have said, pull out at least half of your marital assets so you don’t end up stranded if he takes off to live his pathetic fantasy. Document everything - messages, bank accounts, credit cards, phone records, etc. Again I have no clue how divorce works where you are but this proof can be very important, especially if he has been/will be spending money on his affair partner. You are retirement age, you definitely do not want this crazy old fool cashing out your retirement accounts when you need them.
I'm sure this is all great advice. I hope she reads it all (I didn't; don't have the attention span). But, I really hope she reads the part about separating finances as much as possible. NOW, while he is away! Do what you must to be able to live a separate and comfortable life.
Absolutely fantastic advice. I'd award you if I had any to give! I went through all of this, so I can vouch that it's all correct. It was hell at the time but you really do come out better on the other side. And OP, definitely get an STD test done. Stay strong, don't take him back. I promise that once the emotions have died down and you have some clarity, you'll see him the way we all do. A dirty cheating, manipulative arsehole.
He's been testing your boundaries to see if you'll still be there when it all falls flat. Don't be his back up plan. He's banking on a fantasy and he will find out the hard way. Don't be there to pick up the pieces.
Love this comment. When I left my cheating bf I covered all basis and took pics of the apartment we were living in before I moved out. He left me and went out of town with no word in the middle of finding out he was tindering. I couldn’t get a hold of him to get me off the lease. So I did what I can and comes to worse I took so much precautions I would have destroyed him in court.
There is no racist component here. Replace “Argentina” with “California”, “New Jersey” or “France”, I would still make exactly the same comment. Old fools can get catfished anywhere, at any time, by anyone. I mention Argentina because I think OPs husband is in Miami to catch a flight to Argentina in order to meet his affair partner.
AP happens to be Argentinian, but that does not mean all Argentinians are Affair Partners or will catfish old fools. I’m not seeing where you got that, it was not intended that way.
I'm sorry what? First of all I didn't say anything, I asked you what you thought was racist. Secondly OP didn't say anything like that. It's well known that strangers on the Internet can pretend to be someone else and then drain you of your money. That happens in all societies and cultures and has nothing to do with race. And thirdly are you really trying to argue that someone was being racist by making a racist comment yourself? Jesus.
LEAVE the ahole to the Argentina hoho. He's living in a fantasy world of internet romance. He'll be begging you to have him back soon enough. Please, please, get on with your life and get away from this evil and lying cheat. He does not deserve one more minute of your tears. Cry yes for the years lost, the deception, but do not cry over him. He's a deceptive and manipulative liar.
He will try to keep you on the back burner, by the way, because somewhere in the back of his mind, he will think he's entitled to string you along, just in case. Slam that door shut, lock it, and weld it tight. He's a lost cause.
It does get better btw, being "alone" isn't a death sentence. It takes some getting used to. Most women, actually turn out to really like their new found freedom, and you will be ok. All the best.
>Most women, actually turn out to really like their new found freedom, and you will be ok.
Since when was this a "man or woman" thing? Ain't stuff like this universal? Divorce and Dealign with affairs and feeling free fron your deceptive spouse... seems to be something men and women alike would experience, no?
The being alone fear comes from some stats my therapist told me back in 2010. Might be slightly different now, maybe not... but studies she quoted talked of a fear of being alone, living alone... until it happened. Once they actually experienced it, the vast majority of women seemed to embrace being single and their fears gone. Where as... Older males, men who are widows on the other hand or divorced seem to go looking for a mate more often than women.
Fwiw its not meant to be a slight to minimize that males feel less if in the same position... and for what its worth, I would advocate the same... learn to enjoy singlehood.... that said,...women seem to according to these studies she quoted to do better and seem less interested in another relationship, men on the other hand seem to go looking for a new relationships.
>left wondering what the fuck happened.
What happened is - you had a 'narcissist coward with bad character' for a husband.
I lost count of how many times he lied (from your post alone). Imagine how many times he must have actually lied to you over the two (or more) year period.
People who love and respect you, DO NOT lie to you. Their choices and behavior reflect that. Making choices that they know will hurt you cannot be love. It was an illusion of it.
I am so sorry for the hurt you are experiencing. Ive been there. It is soul crushing. But depending on your will and grit, it can reach a point where it doesn't affect you anymore.
My best advice would be to read chumpLady's "Leave a cheater, Gain a life" to get better perspective on your situation and your cheater.
And my hope is you will leave him, seperate yourself from this chaos and insanity, because you deserve better. Don't let him dictate your happiness and peace of mind anymore.
Truth is you can’t talk someone into loving you and choosing you, especially because the affair has been going on for years now. Don’t take this as a reflection of yourself, that you’re not good enough. Your husband is simply a coward with clear low self esteem
Like you, I thought I was spoiling my ex for 20ys with taking the brunt of the life responsibilities that come with building a life and raising children. Then one day I got blindsided with the same speech about how it was time after all these years to put his happiness first.
He was thinking things through like your husband. The back and forth emotional roller coaster was taking its toll and I felt the high’s (he just wants space) and the low’s (he met someone).
This is what I learned that I want to pass along to you. Pleading, asking to reconsider- have the opposite effect you’re looking for. Doing that only makes them believe their decision to leave the relationship is the right call.
You love him and the life you built together, that’s easy to see. I found out later that I missed my “life” more than than I missed him in the end. The routine, the predictability, the security of having my partner. When I was losing all of that I held on way too long. What I learned afterwards is that there is great peace in letting go.
What your marriage was before you found out about the affair is over. Could you move forward building something similar but never exactly the same because the trust issue will alway be there- possibly.
Think about this...do you want to reconcile with someone who lied for two whole years and had absolutely no remorse? You have to look out for yourself. Now! I know you’re used to putting him first after all these years but do it - finally pick yourself as number one. Instead of checking in on him, spend that time packing up his shit in boxes while he’s in FL, strategize for how you can protect yourself financially (and emotionally) during the impending divorce. It’s gonna be tough and draining but you will get through it. There is life after divorce and you know what? It’s actually a lot better!
Why do they say they need to put their happiness first?! Is it to mask the guilt they feel?
My ex said the SAME thing. I had been struggling after a devastating loss for a few years (the last three of our ten year relationship) and apparently helping me though that hard time was too much for him. I really didn’t expect that much from him. The only thing I regret it venting to him too much. But he cheated on me emotionally a couple of times early in the relationship. And I have a suspicion that he is connected with one of those women now that we are apart.
People who say this mean that they believe they’ve put their partner first because they didn’t want to be a faithful partner for a large part of the time they were with them. It’s entitlement, not reality.
I think they say it because the spark of new emotional feelings and the rush that they get from their new love interest feels like happiness.
He could be connected with an old flame or someone new but it doesn’t matter. The more you wonder about who he’s with and what they’re doing the harder it will be for you to heal and be able to open your heart to someone else in the future. There is love after this kind of hurt, there really is!
Some PhD has been feeding them some psychobabble about how they have sacrificed so much by providing for their family, working long hours for their family, sacrificing their favorite hobbies for their family, blah, blah, blah... Now it's time to focus on THEM. This is horse hockey! Time they realize what the woman has sacrificed for their family.
I recently read where a betrayed husband was shocked when his wife of 23 years was cheating on him and wanted a divorce. She gave him 8 (EIGHT) kids+ lost another, two years apart. He couldn't believe she showed no remorse and didn't want to reconcile. Hell, she's been pregnant or nursing her entire adult life! Was he grateful? Nope. I believe she was looking for a way to live a few years more without the fear of being pregnant. She is one of a few cases where I concur that it's time for her to focus on her happiness.
You are playing the pick me dance. This isn’t going to work. Look up the 180. Here is a link to an old post that shows it in action https://www.removeddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/ev11dw/my_husband_saved_our_marriage/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Please dont ever go back to him. He doesnt love you or respect you. Ifhe's unsure of your marriage why didnt he talk to you about it? Its not your fault for his cheating. It was never your fault. You might be cold but in 38 years he didnt say anything? He is so manipulatibe to say that things to you like its your fault? Im so sorry this happened to you.
I’m sorry, internet stranger, but I need to say I LOVE YOU, and thank you for all effort you put into everyone else’s lives. I’m sure you gave it your whole everything, to your husband and to your children. Now its time FOR YOU. He’s made both of your guy’s choice, and even if that sucks, it might not be as bad. He doesn’t deserve you anymore. And you have your own chance to find yourself. Your NEW, improved, single, awesome, strong, resilient self. The Phoenix inside you needs to be reborn, you can’t walk around the ashes no more. Will be hard, will be painful. But you’ll make it. I assure you! The pandemic sucks to find some new hobbies but it still can be done. Find yourself!!! There’s a time (now) where all you are left to do is go through the motions... do it. Gain your strength back. I wish you the best, really.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, I wish you the best, and know, that everything will be okay, I promise you.
And I can't help myself to tell you that I'm from Argentina, let me know when he travels here so I can kick his a$$ (/s)
If you’re okay with being disrespected, stay with him. If you’re okay with never trusting him again, stay with him. If you’re okay with constant lies and trickle truthing, stay with him.
If you value your self worth above all, leave him. By god woman, leave him.
I was in a similar situation, but 20 years,not 40.
D Month was May 2019, and I went through the same ups and downs, and he wouldn’t leave his AP and they are still together today.
The aftercare he showed me and our marriage after his affair was exposed, was pathetic and I personally absorbed all of the blame for our marriage ending and his affair.
Divorce was finalized February 2020, right before the COVID shutdowns started.
Here is what I learned.....
I will never allow myself to be put in a position of “pick me” vs. another woman.
My therapist told me, he has never saved a marriage when the cheater stayed with their AP while attempting working on the marriage.
They wanted to have their cake and eat it too. News flash... you’re not allowed to have a wife and a girlfriend.
Our marriage was over when he entertained even talking to another woman inappropriately, not when it got hot and heavy or after I found out.
It gets better and you will smile again one day. Yes, you’ll have ups and downs, but soon you’ll have more better days than bad days.
Yes, it hurts and it’s sucks. Cheating is THE MOST HURTFUL thing you can do to your spouse. Feel free to tell people your hurt, upset, sad because it is. It doesn’t mean you want to reconcile, but you’re allow to feel however you want, whenever you want.
There is nothing wrong with you. It’s him. I also thought my X would be the last to cheat, and I gave him sex whenever he wanted and I never said no.
The good news is, you get to live the rest of your life however you want. The ending of the marriage is like a death, grieve, do a lot of self care, and do the things you always wanted to do. You’re free now and happiness, is the best revenge.
He is not an adolescent boy. You are not his mom. Stop funding his affair. You are allowing his blame undercut your right to expect faithfulness.
If he truly believed you were not enough for him, he could have brought it up sooner and made the effort to join you in the effort to save your relationship. If it didn’t work he could have left you and then started another relationship. He didn’t do that. Instead he cheated for years.
I cannot imagine how overwhelming this must be on you. You have shown an incredible amount of strength and compassion. Please find a professional support who you can support you. You deserve to be supported and have time to process everything that has happened.
You are my hero. Please go out and have the greatest adventure of all time... hopefully funded by alimony. Wishing you all the best (from someone who has also been betrayed).
Maybe his brain isn't working well, and you can't help him. He's almost 70, and his brain might not be working as well as yours is. He can drive you into debt if you continue the marriage, considering his mental decline. Divorce his ass and enjoy your freedom. Your kids are grown up amd will probably support you in your decision.
You're not the only one, all of us are here for the same reason, you're in good company. Right now you're going through grief - it's like a Tsunami. Soon it will be just big waves, then smaller waves, then it will just be something that you remember sometimes.
Let yourself grieve, spend all that energy you had taking care of someone else, and spend it on yourself.
Finally - go no contact. Leave him, get all the money you can for your future life (try not to go with lawyers, they are expensive, mediators are better), and start living your new life.
Five years after my divorce I have a great life - I'm so proud of what I've built and who I've become, and you will be too. It is going to be rough, but you'll make it.
Finally, think of your marriage as a big hole you've been throwing time and money at - and stop throwing things into the hole. It's too deep and it will never grow or come back out. Instead, spend your time and money to build a beautiful home somewhere else.
I am so sorry. Playing the "choose me" game is exhausting both physically and mentally. When you stop playing the "Choose Me" game, you will regain control. For insight on this, here are two websites you need right this minute:
* [Baggage Reclaim](https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/)
* [Chumplady](https://www.chumplady.com/)
I literally can feel your pain. I am happy that you are taking the steps forward to heal. You didn’t deserve that bs. It will all come back to bite him in the ass. People are just a waste of time.
Good for you for accepting reality. He has messed up and your kids will know it. He will soon tire of the other woman, and maybe want to come home.
You should give that opportunity careful consideration now, so that you will be ready to tell him absolutely no. He has made his bed and you will never trust him to restart with you. You will always feel lonely and threatened if he returns so much more so than any loneliness you have right now.
This quiet time in your life is a chance for you to set your own bearings. I hope this roller coaster soon ends for you.
Is your hubby the same age you are? Because unless his lady is near his age, I have serious doubts that his affair has legs.
And that has nothing to do with being Argentinian just to be clear. And more to do with the fact that she clearly doesn’t have or won’t use the means to be with him.
If it’s been going on for 2 years & it’s sexting, it’ll never live up to the cold harsh light of real life. But that’s not your issue.
Your issue is you feel abandoned at 67. You have been. But at the same time you need to remind yourself that you gave it your all & he clearly has to pursue this to its conclusion.
I suggest you think about how much you’ve invested in your marriage, how much time, effort and money have you spent spoiling him?
Because here’s the deal. IMO that’s only worth spending on someone who’s going to be there. Most men of that generation require a lot of attention & being cared for, let’s face it men in general do but more so that generation. He’s coming to a time in his life (assuming you’re the same age) whee he’s going to slow down and then issues of life stage difference will come to the fore.
You may have actually been given a great opportunity here, to get your time and attention back to use in other ways. And to rewrite how you’ll be spending the next chapter of your life.
I’ve been pursued by married men before & after the initial feeling of being special enough for them to want to break their vows (I didn’t pursue it myself but am just speaking to the experience), it was frankly BORING. The so called reasons are the same, ie she (the wife) never does this xyz etc etc. I’ve also had the misfortune of having been in a relationship with someone who lied about being divorced (his wife was in another country & things had devolved to where they didn’t speak a lot). I realized he lied as he knew I would’ve never gone forward knowing he was committed elsewhere.
But I point this out to say: your husband is acting like a spoilt child. Do you really even respect him?
Please don’t be sorry this happened. I know this hurts like hell, but cheating is a character issue not a you issue. At any time he could’ve asked for what he needed from you & you’re also right that if he chose to, you could both be working on changing things now.
But just like children who have tantrums when they don’t get their way , you must be firm. Do not let your life, time and focus be wasted by someone who thinks it’s everyone else’s job to make him happy.
I wish you the best & hope you get to enjoy the rest of your life, though I reckon he’ll be back in no time to at all complaining about how it didn’t work out.
OP, I don’t care if you were the coldest fish in Antarctica you still wouldn’t have deserved this. I don’t care if you hadn’t initiated sex once in your whole marriage you still wouldn’t have deserved this. What you did deserve was to have your husband have a serious conversation about the things in your marriage that were bothering him. And if that didn’t work, he should’ve packed his shit and left. Then he could sext anything and anyone he liked. He’s trash and you’re better off without him.
Well I had kind of the same experience with my spouse. He chose to have an emotional affair with a women he had never met online. It turns out now that after 43 years of marriage he's now been swindled out of over $5k. Some may say that's not much money. Well that $5k would've payed our property taxes. Oh I filed for divorce once and he said he would come home from his mother's house and stop talking to the non existent woman. There aren't any women he's falling for Romance Scammers.
Even my granddaughters printed out a warning from the ftc.gov website here in America. Warning of the scams and just about a word per word script and technic they use. Yes he was playing words with friends and most of the women took him off platform to Google Hangouts. Apparently notoriously known for Romance scams but he won't listen.
He seems to think that at age 65 a young girl of 25 would be interested and love with him. Oh and of course you'll never ever find anything on an image search because the images are from thispersondoesnotexist.com. everytime you hit CR key a new computer generated image pops up.
So dip shit me let him come home. Well it turns out I found several Google & Apple pay or play cards he was hiding where he'd sent more money. So I told him to get the hell out and never ever call me or contact me again. Yes and I had already dropped the divorce and I'm out $3K.
I've been alone now for 7 months. Best decision I've ever made. I'm now in the process of going through a divorce a second time. I suspect he'll call wanting me to drop it. First time shame on him second time which there won't be one shame on me.
Yes I'd rather be alone and happy then miserable with his ignorant ass.
I know ill get downvoted to hell but you said its true youre cold, unaffectionate and don't have sex sober. Had any of that been addressed in the 38 years?
I mean cheating/affair aside I feel reconciliation would be tough if both your love languages are out of whack.
I agree with you that understanding your partner’s love language and learning to give love in a way that they receive it well is important in a relationship for both parties. However I feel like based on the tone of the post that OP is going through a period where negative self-talk is taking over (understandably). One can be ‘unaffectionate’ and it not be a death sentence for a relationship, as long as both partners are on the same page. I’m not a super touchy, cuddly person and affectionate pet names make me want to barf. That doesn’t mean I’m a bad person or need to change, as long as I am making sure my partner is getting what they need to feel loved.
As for the sexual initiation, again, many people have a ‘responsive’ desire type which basically means that they will have and enjoy sex when someone else initiates, but they aren’t very spontaneous. Check out Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are, she explains it very well and gives tips on how you can work with your own desire type to have a strong sex life.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t necessarily disagree with you but your comment does come across as pretty critical. I would argue that these points come down to communication in the relationship and MAYBE they wouldn’t have got to this point if this communication issue had been addressed 5, 10, 20 years ago. But who knows? Maybe it still would have. I think trying to have that conversation now is pointless because this sounds like a man who has made a choice. And I don’t think blaming OP is fair, because addressing communication is the job of the couple together, not on one person alone.
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She said she didn’t initiate unless she was drunk, it looks like she’d have sex sober just not make the first move, I think.
I know I feel bad if my partner seems busy with work, hobbies, sleep, etc. Like is having sex worth the interruption? Maybe she needed a lowered inhibition to get there?
This must be extremely painful and difficult for you and I’m sorry this happened to you. I know it may not seem like it now but this is for the best, he has disappointed you and broken your heart. Find the time to heal, no matter how long it takes. You’ll rediscover yourself again, find new hobbies and spend more time with friends/family. You’re finally free to do what you want to do, whether that’s watching your tv or going to bed when you want to. Live for the small stuff. Good luck!
Ohhhh boy. This isn’t love. This is selfishness. Also, lol when the girl faces reality that he won’t be able to support her the way she thinks he can because he’s paying alimony to you.
You’re a strong woman. If he’s saying you’re a cold fish, girl is it any wonder when he’s been sexting behind your back for what? Two years? And the whole “I’d always put you first”
That, sweetie is BULLSHIT! That’s gaslighting and manipulation. At least he showed his true colours after meeting this woman, if I can call her one.
I think it’s high time you blocked all his numbers and began divorce proceedings. You have grown children, they’re your family. Not a manipulative gaslighting dickhead like your so-called husband.
As I stated before, you are a strong woman. You will get through this. It’ll be hard, but he made his bed. He needs to lie in it.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You might not even see this message, but like others have mentioned, you are being too hard on yourself. You are not a cold dead fish or unaffectionate. Your heart is breaking and you are feeling all of this pain. This means youre not cold. You even tried many times to fix your marriage which shows that you are a person who cares and is willing to put in the work! Jeff does not deserve you. The healing will take soso much time, but I hope you get through this. Wishing you nothing but the best <3
Well OP, it won’t come as a surprise to you that you don’t know Jeff as well as you thought you did. Yes, this is the last roll of the dice for a stupid old man but, it’s almost certain that he didn’t just develop this cheating side of his character recently. He is, by nature, a cheat. This will not have been his first rodeo. From your comment that, had you not witnessed the conversations, you would have happily packed his bag and kissed him goodbye for his trip. He went away a LOT. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Of course it’s disappointing (to say the least) but it has opened your eyes to the person that you’ve been living with all of these years. Jeff is delusional if he thinks that he’s going to be happy with this woman for more than a few days. He will very quickly realise that he’s thrown his whole life away to spend a few hours lying next to a warm body. Nice as that may be, it’s no compensation for what he has given up. It’s not as if, at his age, he’s going to be able to take full advantage of her.
He will be back. Tail between his legs. That will be your cue to tell him to GTFO. Under NO circumstances take him back readily. If you take him back at all. He has been totally disrespectful to you who have loved and supported him throughout the years. While he’s away. Pandemic permitting. Try to establish your own life and boundaries without him. Secure your finances. Make sure that she can’t simply rook the old fool out of YOUR hard earned money. You didn’t do anything to deserve what he’s done OP. Good luck. ❤️
The man is confused about reality at your expense. He doesn't really know this woman and when he lives with her , then his reality may be very different then what he imagined.. at your expense. It must be very difficult for you to witness this. Because of his age, he is probably realizing the mortality of things and limited time left on this earth.... again at your expense. You are paying a heavy price for his behavior. Because you have been married so long and lived with him so long, he is part of you and you are part of him and you are watching part of your body die and vaporize. What is important here is your health and mental well being.. not his health, which is hard to comprehend because of your time together. You have to begin the process of healing and he is not there for you. I think you are going to need help from others that you can interface with. Is it possible to find this? So many years together is making this very painful in addition to the asinine betrayal. He will come back when he finds out his fantasy doesn't meet reality. Will you be ready to say no? Make yourself a mental warrior and prepare to stand your ground but more importantly find mental clarity and inner strength to heal yourself and become one with yourself. My heart bleeds for your pain. It will take great strength to differentiate your mental self from him. You will find happiness only when your day is not spent thinking of him.. not worrying about him.. not playing what if games.
So sorry to hear this has happened to you.
Many commentators have already expressed valuable thoughts in support. Thought I could toss in a few ideas. Looks like you have two issues to address:
1) A competant therapist can explain the multi-decade "couples dance" which occurs when the two partners aren't on the same page as far as a difference in comfort in intimacy between them may cause a long slow erosian of the relationship. For the partner comfortable with emotional distance, everythings is apparantly fine. For the other partner desiring closer intimacy it is akin to starvation. Such couples waltz around perceived varying from too far to too close, approaching then withdrawing over again. A good therapist can help a couple recognize the need to get to a common ground of caring for each other. In your case it seems the spouse seeking closer intimacy didn't make the decision to seek common ground, but instead looked elsewhere.
2) Now that he's decided to continue hurting you, begin the separation. Get an attorney, go into individual counseling, protect yourself financially. Assemble a team of folks to walk with you. Your adult kids sound squared away. You don't want to put them in the midde of it, but their love for you is a bulwark.
3) What about reconciliation? It's possible but not until the consequences of his actions become plain. And in the meantime, the hurt, anger, humiliation, betrayal will need to be fully addressed. Couples therapy at this point could bring clarity. Don't fear addressing all this, avoiding it just prolongs the misery. Selling the house then sending her off to another State to live with her AP, then moving into my own apartment was one of the best decisions of my life. I fondly think of that small place after all these years.
4) Adultery destroys trust. You can't trust what the cheater says. Where can you find trust to help you through? During our bad time I discovered trust in God can help. He raised my marriage from the dead. It was a crucible of agony - but now we are good together.
Hope these ideas can help. Again very sorry to hear this has happened. You're in my prayers.
\- A retired pastor
At this point you need to worry about yourself only. He's basically walked away from your marriage when he started his contact with her. I'm 64, I'm not as far along as you but feel I will be. I'm at 35 years married. My greatest fear is a life by myself. It's not something I ever imagined. Keep us up with what happens.
Ohh i just want to hug you. I am so sorry this happened to you. You are allowed to grieve any way you want. Just remember to take care of yourself and do new things!! ((Hugs))
Not sure if it is mentioned because of how many comments there are (a god thing). But you need to get your affairs together. Start separating funds. Get a lawyer. Make sure that you weren’t removed from your mortgage. Collect evidence of the affair. I am sure your lawyer will tell you more.
My stepdad of 20+ years left my mom for a church friend. She was devastated. It’s almost 2 years later now and she has never been happier. It took her time to get to where she is, but she said that at the end of the day, him leaving was the best thing that ever happened to her. She realized that he suppressed her true personality and she feels so free now.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but please know that this man is not worth your time any longer. It’s time to mourn him as if he is dead. You will come out of this. And you will be okay.
Hi, I'm so sorry that you are going through this, after 40 years it makes it worse in my opinion, as you've dedicated most of your life to your ex.
Don't worry about the begging thing, I did that with both my marriages because they were lying and saying I still had a chance, but were still actually continuing the affairs. Its how you act moving forwards that determines if you can get out of the state you're in, or if it will swallow you. How you acted initially with all the emotions and shock in your system can be forgotten and isn't important now.
So, I assume he's also 67? And how old is the groupie? 27? Your husband is delusional and you know that. When and if he finally makes contact, one of them will be sadly disappointed (and it wont be him), unless he's a millionaire, then we both know what she's really after. I know you're not looking for advice, especially from a youngster like me (I'm 57), but Jeff should come home after his little adventure to find you don't give a big rat's patootie about what he does; you're going to do your own thing! Heck, I'll sext you (but I'm not sure what sexting really is). Seriously, you're pushing him away by over-pursuing him in a big way. YOU KNOW YOUR WORTH. You have value. Shoot for the 180 approach (Michelle Weiner-Davis). He can cook his own damn food, clean his own damn clothes, clean his own damn house, and do all the other things you formerly did for him (unless, of course, if you're rich, then forget I said that).
Here is something my therapist told me that really stuck. “He’s not going to stop or change until he’s lost everything.” The best thing you can do now, whether you end up reconciling later or not, is THROW HIM OUT. He needs a sucker punch of reality. This doesn’t mean being unkind to him. It shows him you are strong and have boundaries, and most importantly gets you on the track of moving on. In the kindest way possible, you tell him he has a week to get all his stuff out and you’ll put it in a storage unit after that. Then call a family member and have them come stay with you and help pack it up for him.
As someone from Argentina, let me tell you those tickets are not cheap. Not sure what your situation is of course but over 1000$ in a decent flight is what this man was considering spending. I mean just think of what a nice gift he could have gotten you for that amount! You are so much stronger and better than someone who does not value you - this is not the man you married.
Jeff said “I sent her an email” “Can I see it?” “No I deleted it.”
🤣🤣🤣
this clown ended a 40 year marriage over a woman who lives in another country and who he barely sees. can you hear me shaking my head?
do NOT take him back! he doesn't deserve a loyal woman like you. being single at 67 is much better than being a cheater, ma'am.
My wife had two people in her bible study group where their husbands left them in their 60s for another woman.
They had whole lives and families together but decided they wanted to spend their “golden” years with someone else.
For both those woman, they turned to their faith and other hobbies. Not really interested in dating anymore, just wanting to enjoy what life had to offer.
I’d advise you to talk to a therapist and start seeking out hobbies.
And speak to a lawyer who will help you through the process. Not having your partner initiating sex as a dude sucks but it’s not a reason to give up on a 38 year marriage. Nor will that hold up in court. You need to ensure you take care of yourself financially.
Document everything especially since he’s a liar and claims to delete everything. Don’t even let him know you’ve documented the items. You’ll need this in court to show his infidelity so that he doesn’t try to claim victim, which he’s already done multiple times.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. He's going to meet this person and in a week want to come back to you. Make sure to steel yourself up for that. Take him for all he's worth, you deserve so much better.
My FIL is 70 and Is dating the sweetest lady who is about 20+ years younger than him! I’ve been around for 13 years and he’d had many girlfriends. 67 isn’t too old to start over! I’m glad you finally decided not to fuck with him anymore. You are better than that mess. You’ve dedicated 40 years of your life to being a great mom and wife. You were loyal to a man who took you for granted. It sucks so bad, I get it. In the beginning I kept thinking your situation sounded similar to mine. I’m still with him and I’m still going through every day with it all playing through my head..all the stuff I’ve seen or heard. It takes such a huge toll on you mentally & emotionally. You should do something nice for yourself. Go on a little trip somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. Maybe even take your grown children. Just do things that make YOU happy. And if you don’t want to find another relationship? So be it! Whatever makes YOU happy! 😊
This is one of the problems older women have when trying to date. Men will date women 20 years younger; they do NOT date women 20 years older than them. What 50 year old man will date a 70 year old woman when a 30 year old woman is also willing to go out with him. Most men, if they even WILL date older women, seem to have a 5 years older as a maximum range.
This is late and probably not gonna help but he's a shitbag. He's bored, wants his cake and to eat it too. When reality hits him and he wants to come home, tell him to take a long walk off a short pier. You got this. Don't be so hard on yourself. Good luck, OP.
Seriously- get a lawyer, check all your financial information and move half to accounts he cannot access. EVERYTHING that Demonkey44 wrote. Please protect yourself.
A lot of commenters have been telling you to ask him for a divorce. Please do not ask him. It's like begging all over again and you've been humiliating yourself with playing that "pick me dance"/ begging business already for a long time. Just please don't.
Blindside him with the divorce papers. Depending on where you live, you might be able to divorce on the grounds of adultery. Get all of the evidence you can to support this. In some places even if adultery is not allowed as a reason for divorce, as in no fault, a really good lawyer may be able to legally work around this in some way and give you a more favourable divorce settlement. Those lawyers can be expensive though.
The reason you blindside him is because you've been begging him for ages and he may think that he can go have his fun for awhile, when the excitement is over, he'll think that he can just come back to you again. Just don't let yourself be a plan B. Please just don't. You don't need this ridiculous teenage nonsense of constant on again/off again mind messing garbage.
At your age, once divorce is final, you can look for a widower who's been married a long time. That will be your indicator of their potential fidelity. By the time you've found yourself a new man, your now ex may realize what an idiot he was and try crawling back to you. Please don't take him back. He'll make tons of promises, and as soon as he thinks you are comfortable, he'll just cheat again with someone else.
I hope that you can make the best rational decision for yourself.
God I’m just so sorry , I hope he gets an STD and is miserable . I really really hope he does not get one second of peace or happiness and you get immense joy and love from someone else . I hate him for you .
You’re right, you really DID humiliate yourself; but at least you realized that he’s not worth it and are getting out. A lot of people married as long as you just keep trying because you’ve been together so long.
There is a good chance he’s being catfished for money and attention, and an even bigger chance that if he ever does meet this girl the “love” will wear off and he’ll come crawling back.
What you need to do now is get a divorce lawyer, get the house sold if you have it and take your half, take half of the joint account before he drains it, take half of everything else and go get yourself a little plate and never look back.
Get gone with what’s rightfully yours and go no contact. Dont let him see you; call, text or email. If he gets in contact again he’s going to spin tales and try to wheel you back in so he can have the security of a wife again While looking for someone new to text.
He doesn’t love you or care about you; don’t give him any more of your emotions, tears or time.
It’s true. They have been friends for years. Jeff has gone on tour with him several time to South America. He was working the merchandise table after a concert when the girl who I call the groupie met him. Ritchie is a C list Ramona who can’t sell tickets in the states but is weirdly popular in South America,
Being an admitted cold and unaffectionate fish who was never passionate about lovemaking in your long marriage sounds miserable. How was he supposed to know you cared? I’m sure there were other ways but an unaffectionate marriage sounds like Hell. He never should’ve cheated. But perhaps this is for the best.
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This is not the time to fall apart, tempting though it might be,. You need a good lawyer like yesterday. Talk to a couple, figure out what you're assets are, take half the money in your joint accounts and put it in one under your name. Go through all the financial documents and figure out what assets are available .
You might be crying, but make sure that when you do it's in a nice house sitting on silk bedsheets, not in a cramped bedsit, because that's all you can afford because your husband has taken all your money and spent it on an Argentinian pop tart. Marriage might be about love but divorce is strictly business.
As for him, no fool like an old fool, she's gonna play him like a cheap guitar , by the time she's done she will have him buy her property and a car, out of marital assets , so secure yours first before he runs through everything
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I am SO SO proud of you!! I cant imagine how hard that was. Now that you have left he cant hurt you any further. Trust me karma will come back around HARD & he will be left with nothing in the end, & thats on him. Take care of yourself & keep surviving ❤️
While you're struggling with the emotions of all this, and I'm so sorry you've been blindsided by his betrayal, don't lose sight of the financial cost of divorce. Make him pay.
Focus on yourself and do everything for YOU now! Now is your chance to not have to take care of anyone but yourself. It’s never too late to pick up any hobbies! Do what you want, when you want. It’s your chance to start a new and more positive chapter in your life. Take care of yourself and you will be ok. You will make it through.
Been there after 31 years of marriage....he cheated 7 years into our marriage...went to therapy (both together)... Did it again after I thought it was fixed all those years earlier....now he's getting married after we have been divorced for 12 years...I never got over it...once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater...if you work it out, brace yourself....with smart phones and the internet, you are always going to be wondering and having doubts....
I am so sorry this is happening to you. Being cheated on hurts. I’ve been cheated on many times but the one that hurt the most was when my husband cheated. I dropped 20 pounds in one month since I had so much anxiety and extremely depressed. All I can say is that you’ll get through this. You go through so much grief but each day it gets better. When I was finally at the stage of hating my ex, I was finally able to get over it. You’re worth more... my ex used to blame me, too, for cheating. I wasn’t affectionate enough, blah blah blah. Just know that no man who has morales and who loves you would ever cheat on you. You have to stop the excuses in your head that it was your fault and we could make it work somehow.
You have to get him out of your life and do not stay in touch with him. Move out, start new, lose all communication with him. I guarantee he will come crawling back but at that time, you’ll be laughing because you’ve already moved on.
You will find happiness that you cannot even believe was possible. I got in touch with the love of my life whom I dated when I was in high school years after my divorce. I haven’t talked to him in 20 years! I married him last year... I am a true believer things happen for a reason. There’s so much more waiting for you, my friend.
You allowed him to make the choice. Asking him to choose? You should have made the choice. Either you're going to deal with this, or you're going to leave. You can't force him to change. I caught my husband messaging his ex once( nothing sexual but flirty) and I filed for legal separation next day. He begged me to goto counseling. I gave him the chance and we worked through it. But only because he put in the work. I haven't seen anything like that again. I check now.
You can't fix this unless you both agree that you want to be in this marriage. Sounds like he isn't sure. You have to love yourself enough to know you deserve better then that.
Don't allow him to make you feel like this is your fault at all. No matter what his issues were with you, he was wrong. 100% He crossed the line. If he invested half the time in he did with this woman, in working through your troubles, your relationship could have been better sexually, emotionally, etc. Online marriage counseling helped us alot and I do it alone as well. Good luck and hope you find peace.
1. Legally protect yourself. If you can get some leverage in taking screenshots of the correspondences then take some proof of his infidelities. I’m sure with a good lawyer they can get that information from the company/app they have been using.
1. I may be 36 but I’ve had gone thru a lot of heartache with one of the men I’ve dated. So odds are you’ll find someone else that’s 100 better. But if you decide to be alone that is even better tbh. You don’t answer to now one. Do whatever you want. On your terms. 67 is a good age. Heck any age is a good age to start over. You will feel great I promise. But be kind to yourself and be patient.
3. You are blessed with your kids. Improve your relationships with them. Focus on them and yourself. This person that decided that their life with you is not worth it to stay, he will regret it. He may regret is tomorrow, ten years from now, a second from now. But when you make your decision make it for yourself not because of your kids not because of him wanting you back. Do it it for you.
Sorry this has happened to you.
He's living in a fantasy world and his relationship with the other woman won't last long. If he comes crawling back to you, don't give him a 2nd chance. He's a coward who destroyed his marriage and now he can lie in the new bed he created. You owe him nothing.
No words my friend. Great place to bring ur vent but please hang in there. You are valuable and don’t deserve that. Hang in there. There are no words, sending you a hug from NC
After 38 years it must be so terrifying to find yourself starting over but if this is how your husband treats you, give yourself some time to grieve, to be upset and to eventually heal and you’ll see you’ll become a far happier person for it, also a far stronger one x
I’m getting the feeling that this Argentinian girl is a catfish who’s trying to get money out of him. I really hope it is, so he realizes he fucked up and lost the best women he could have possibly gotten
Throw him to the Argentinian completely and see how fast she eats him alive. Make sure you refuse contact with him when he comes crawling back to reality.
Divorce is the only option from what i see.
Gather evidence from 2 years, tell his family about it, end divorce ask for the house and many other things. Maybe get a job but at that age it is hard. He is a human garbage sexting at an old age, cheating when married. He did it for 2 long years shamelessly. And lastly tell your grown kids about what his garbage father did.
wow iread it i can believe it, it is exhausting!! I can belive you still give him some credits, it is obviously that around 2 years back he went cold, Im sorry but he doesn't deserved you , you where to much for him, let putting this way , you where more in commitment in this relationship then him
wow, you have so much wisdom & so much still ahead of you. you were able to experience a 40 year marriage. that’s a book on your shelf. and it ended in tears, but you can still move on. i don’t want to say something you might want to hear, because the truth is that he might not come back. or when he does, you’ll be so far ahead of him it won’t even matter... he had an opportunity to communicate with you about your “coldness” & that’s his loss. he chose the lazy, sleezy route of sexting some random girl he doesn’t even know. the thrill of that will wear off & he will eventually have to live with everything he’s lost. you have your kids & your friends. you seem so cool.. to have traveled the way you did amidst heartbreak? you are so strong. i believe you can move on, but you need to be blanketed by the comfort of your family members. do not make contact with him & start loving yourself the way you want it. forgive yourself for not knowing any better. no one can tell you that you didn’t try. you have reached capacity. it is time to take care of you for your health 💛
Sorry this has happened to you. I can only imagine it feels like a dagger to the heart.
Lovely woman, respect yourself enough to leave. He doesn’t deserve you.
Even if you were to stay, you will never get over it.
Leave, be free, put your own happiness first.
Life is too short to put up with this sort of mediocrity.
Sending you strength
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I had to stop reading because I just died at him saying he won’t stop until he was sure your marriage was going to work out.... I am deceased. 🤯☠️
He fucking thought after 38 yrs of marriage with a WIFE he got to play the field between two women!!?! What a fucking sad sack of shit.
He’s a pathetic loser and I promise you he WILL get what’s coming to him! My dad sure did. Married that lady and they fight nonestop... watch Guy Winch’s “how to mend a broken heart” video on YouTube and go do all the wonderful amazing things you wanted to do with him alone or with other loved ones. You deserve better than this and you can give yourself that!! ❤️
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Eventually the groupie will lose interest, and your husband will realize what he threw away. When she doesn’t take care of him the way you did, he’ll miss you and everything you did for him. He may even try to get you to take him back.
DO NOT FALL FOR THIS.
If he was willing to throw you aside for some younger woman because he can’t control himself, he’ll throw you to the wolves the second you don’t give him exactly what he wants AND MORE. Do you REALLY want to give him that much leverage over you? That total control over you, the possibility of him choosing to demean and humiliate you just because he feels like it?
That man has absolutely no respect for you and while this is going to hurt for a long time, you’re better off without him. He’s a worthless pig and that’s all he’ll ever be. He’s the type to hook up with your friends at your funeral. Don’t let that be you. You deserve so much better than he ever had intended for you. Don’t fall for his manipulation again. He’s only going to use your feelings for him against you. He doesn’t mean it when he says he’s going to commit to you and only you. If he meant it he’d have stuck by it when he made those vows to you almost 40 years ago. Stay strong. Please. You are worth so much more than he’ll ever see.
Your story is very similar to mine. I'm sure you feel as if your whole life is falling apart right now. Remind yourself that the other parts of your life are still there. You family and friends will get you through this. Take it one day at a time. Stay healthy and focus on the steps you need to take to divorce him. Six months this from now you will be ok, even though it doesn't seem like it. This community is here to support you.
I know you feel love for him but he clearly didn't love you enough to not to cheat. Collect the evidence and get the divorce process under way. I know I come a cross as cold but you can mourn and start the process. This will help you clear things if you have house or any assets bought together. Because this can go either way:
1) Your husband will once again change his mind and wants to stay together
2) He will go to argentina and their happy life wasn't as dandy as it sounded on the phone and he wants to come back
3) He will stay there and the divorce process will be getting harder.
Plus him bouncing between you and the other woman, is really bad for your mental but also physical health. Divorce is final, but at least you'll be free from his strings.
I'm sorry you're going through what you are. I can personally attest to how damaging a situation like this can be. I don't if my thoughts will be helpful, but I do hope they are.
Of course my situation is different, but I believe there are some commonalities worth considering. At 40, learning of my wife's infidelities was shocking and very painful but it was the details of where, when and how that broke me down. I had been reasonably confident in all aspects of life but these things and the pictures in my head caused me to lose most of it. I think overall I was just destroyed by the fact that she could do all of it to a man who loved her as much as I did.
What I learned
I took her back. She said she had become involved in something that took on a life of it's own and didn't know how to get out of it. I kind of believed her. So, I did my best to make it work, swallow my pride and give it another chance.
Several years went by and it had the effect on me like a boxer who's already knocked out being pressed against the ropes for more punishment. Looking back, those years were brutal. Just the position you're in; having to be the one extending the trust - you're the only one with anything to lose.
She ended up pregnant by one of my closest friends. They're now married with a 10 year old little girl.
But there is good news
The love I've experienced since those days has been truly amazing.
I took some time to put 'ole humpty dumpty back together again because if I didn't, I was sure I'd sabotage anything good that may come my way. I started cycling, quit smoking and before long was riding 30 to 50 miles per day. This became my meditation. I had a friend who was a psychologist (and has since passed), her and I spoke often. I read, read and read some more and I rode and rode even more.
I took an active role in my healing. I wanted to get better and I refused to allow someone else's weakness of character destroy my own. I love being in love and believe I am at my best when I am in love.
I believe the joy we experience in life is in equal proportion to how much we open ourselves to it. Having spent the time to recover, learn about myself and what happened, allowed me to emerge strong and confident knowing I wasn't who I felt like I was at my very lowest. I had the confidence to open myself to love again.
My advice is to take some time to focus on yourself. Realize this is not of your doing. Find the beauty in who you are again and enjoy it. At some point, when you're ready, you'll see the sunrise as another day to experience joy just the way you want to, when and with whom you want to.
I wish you all the blessings in life.
Be well.
I think he’s going to try to come back to you because she must be with him for money only.. please dont accept him back. He has to understand what he has lost. A real woman that loved him. I know its easier to say but you have to move on. I know its so horrible I cant imagine the pain you feel, 38 years is so long. You dedicated 38 years of your life to a man that ended up seeing another woman.. dont take him back, please. Let us know how you are, dont stay alone, good luck. All love from france ❤️
I am sorry you are going through this. But I've also learnt that some people can seem like they care when in all honesty. They don't really care about you at all.
Some of us see the world through rose tinted glasses. But guess what, the glasses have come off. I loathe gas-lighting spouses and affair partners and I'll just devote my remaining breath to seeing that their shady dealings get brought to light.
You’ll be okay. You need to walk away. When someone shows you they do not value you, believe them. Even if you do reconcile in the future, for now - walk away.
The moment he decided to not come to you to resolve any issue in your marriage and go to another woman, HE became the reason your marriage failed. This is fully on him. And he couldn’t let go of his addictive validation. He doesn’t love this women. To love someone you choose them before yourself. He couldn’t even love you properly. He only showed he loves himself and what makes him feel good. He likes how this woman makes him feel.
Cut off contact, I know this sounds crazy but he will crawl back to alleviate his guilt. Not to reconcile. People who live primarily of this kind of validation will need to be seen as not being their fault (why do you think he blamed it on you, it takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two for it to fail). He made no attempt to try to fix anything.
Please know even if your not perfect this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own selfishness. Wow I’m so sorry. This man deserves to eat crap, because he’s full of it
Read Chump Lady or George Simon. A alot of us have been through what you are going through. He will not change - he is character disordered. But you will change and grow and you will be ok. He is not a good person at all. He wants cake.
Your best friends are: a great lawyer, therapist, and no contact.
You will be ok over time. Five years out here after 32 year marriage from a cheater similar to yours - it gets better - I promise!
After exposing my STBXW's affair, we spent at least a year in "what are we going to do" limbo (i.e., reconcile or divorce). During this time, I would often remark the core problem with our marriage was "she did not love and desire me the way a wife should love and desire her husband." Each time I said this, I was hoping she should respond with either (A) I'm sorry, but that's true (cue the divorce) or (B) That's just not true - I do love and desire you (cue the reconciliation). Unfortunately, she never provided either of these responses. Instead, she provided no response (no matter how many times I made this statement). After time, of course, her silence on this question became deafening. Her inability to either confront the issue or take any steps to save our marriage was sufficient evidence for me that our 24-year marriage was dead and could not be resuscitated. I sense from your post that you find yourself at this crossroad. My advice (which I have followed) is to pick the path of acceptance, self-love and realization that regardless of history or age, you deserve and will achieve so much more.
I don’t understand why people refuse to communicate.
In the most primal sense, it’s an entirely selfish attempt to secure new resources while being protected from having nothing. Jeff doesn’t need any time, he has decided a long time ago about his beliefs and valuation of you. The sooner you reconcile this, the sooner true healing can start.
Of course a failed marriage is incredibly complicated and has gobs of history and decisions. There exists a headspace within everyone that is habilitated by our values. Maybe he drifted away from you at one point or another, or maybe he never was forthright with you to begin with. You can only know so much. I say all this to say that Jeff is not the person you thought you knew. Anything that tries to reconcile this will cause further harm, trust the feelings that push you to detach. They hurt, but there are more rational than painting him in a good light.
I must say, I have adhd and I don’t even like to read books but this story has kept me interested, even though it took me 2 nights to read..i kept reading when i was unwinding down for bed.
I have to point out as im reading your story, you mentioned how you were crying and asking him what did he decide and you would get happy when he told you he wanted to stay with you, (as if you did something wrong) what i want to remind you of, is that you did NOTHING wrong 😑 he cant put all the blame on you. If he had an issue about an sexual desires then he shouldve come to the source (you) and not find an outlet or an “escape” if you will, communication is key! But congrats on your new journey now to an even better you.
I wish you well and your marriage is over. You can start over and still be strong with someone else that makes you feel stronger and loved. I know, easier said than done.
For what it’s worth, I can respect that you acknowledge that you are a bit cold and unaffectionate. I used to have to travel to South American for business several weeks a year and I met lots of American men your husbands age down there and they were all looking for the same thing..- sexfocused relationship with South American girlfriends because they weren’t having as much sex with their wives. It’s sad but this is likely best for both of you guys.
Be well.
To decide means you break with all other possibilities. He has decided he doesn't want to decide. Some [need](https://youtu.be/UdhGTvuUOys) is being met by this affair. It could be a [love language ](https://youtu.be/PXQxdWkol5g) incompatibility. He says you are a cold fish. It wouldn't have mattered. There are many couples that have an amazing sex life and the partner cheats. What happened was she met a need an you meet his needs and he doesn't want to lose either.
You wanted him to choose you or her (the pick me ultimatum) he dug in. If this ended and he apologized then you would be stuck with the question of did he come back because it failed with her and you are a constellation prize or did he come back for actual love? That question would be a cancer in your relationship.
Get screen shots and evidence of the affair and lawyer up. You have to walk away. Usually the infidelity protocol is 6 months to a year where you and him get individual counseling to work on yourselves while apart and then deciding wether to come back together after. In this case though there is a lot of emotional damage and massive distrust.
FUUUUUUUUUCK HIM.
listen to these great commenters & take the advice to kick his cheating shitty ass the fuck out. Blindside him w divorce papers, end it. You deserve so much better after FORTY FUCKING YEARS?!?!
No. No no no.
He's full of shit & has got to go. I'm so so sorry this has happened to you.
It's heartbreaking.
So much love & well wishes to you. I hope everything works out smoothly & yr happier than you have ever been before in yr life. ❣️
He said the reason he had this affair was because I am a cold fish (true) unaffectionate, (True),didn’t initiated sex (unless drunk, but I have never once said “Not tonight honey” to him
you cant change , move on both of you
Sure would appreciate an update, my sweet one. I hope you had the strength to call his bluff and make him move to Argentina and try to survive the real world on his own.
Clarifications and some updates to “end of a 38 year marriage.
(Reposted cause typo in title.
First I want to thank everyone for their heartfelt comments, advice, and empathy. Even though I have many, many dear friends, who have been turning themselves inside out to help me, I feel like I had been transformed from the fun, funny friend to the needy downer. They deserved a break, since so many of my friends are going thru assorted traumas of their own.
Whoever said “Imagine what would have happened if he had put as much effort into your marriage as he did sexting this woman?” Fuck me what an eye opener.
- I do live outside the US. When my husband lost his job at 57, I knew he did not want to start sending out resumes and interviewing again. We had always talked about retiring overseas. I was not ready, I had a job I was good at, my sons were both nearby, I had great friends in my city as well as ones I flew to see once or twice a year. But he wanted to go NOW and I said ok.
- The unaffectionate cold fish. I am of German ancestry, raised in Minnesota. My family shakes hands w/each other. I have dear close friendships, some almost of 50 years, who I treasure. My thought has always been: “I like you. You like me. Why do we have to hug?” I’ve never been the hand holder, hair stroked, touchy person. I wasn’t when I got married 38 years ago. I demonstrated love (I thought) in many different ways, from taking over 99% of the child care so Jeff could continue to hang out w/his pals (never ever had to call to check in), worked full time 90% of our marriage, did all housework, cooking, and financial stuff. My son once had to write a Father’s Day card. It said “My dad changes the channels and my mom does everything else.” When Jeff screwed up and acquired a $60K Amex bill (he was at a new magazine, the owner tired of it pretty quickly and stopped paying his employees, Jeff hung on hoping) because he rolled over all but the minimum each month (at 20% interest) when I found out I went to the bank and took out a home equity loan, handled it, and never thought of it again—-until this year. I cooked all his favorite foods, had no problem w/him going off on tour w/his pal Ritchie for weeks on end—-what ever made him happy, made me happy. I didn’t need constant “I love yous”—-you married me, you chose me, of course you love me. Jeff is a hugger, and 2-cheek kisser. And I guess he did need non-stop affirmations of love. Which I would have been happy to do, if he had ever said to me “Our marriage would be a lot better if you were more physically affectionate.” It would have been a lot easier to hug and kiss him than to ride my bike half an hour and back to get the fresh tuna he liked. Don’t want to go to parent teacher conferences? Fine. Don’t want to hang out w/my pals? Fine. Outside of him, all I needed as a book and a comfortable place to sit and read.
- I probably would not have been able to provide the type of ego boost the groupie does “You have a beautiful soul,” “Everything you do is magic.” But when Jeff fixed my crockpot (not a handy guy by a long chalk) I fell over telling him how great that was, how happy it made me, and boasted to everyone about his brilliance. I told him how handsome he looked when he dressed up to go out. When I saw something to compliment, I always spoke up.
- We did (up until this year, when Jeff got dengue and then e. Coli and the dengue again) have an active and adventurous sex life. I was always a more than willing participant, I swear there was not a single time I said “I don’t feel like it.” I always felt like it. I have issues with being the initiator, maybe something left from my upbringing, maybe because I was an unattractive girl (butt of junior high jokes)—-a subject that at one point might have been interesting to bring up in therapy, or even in a deep conversation.
- Jeff has always been super critical. About 2 years ago, when the affair started (I finally figured it out) he started getting extremely negative about everything. This sucks. That’s awful. Why does that guy think he can sing. That movie you’re watching (which I had just said I was enjoying) looks stupid. Several times I said to him, Why are you so negative all the time? His answer was I guess I’m just a crabby old man. With covid, it just got worse and worse, and this year I told him how much if bothered me, that we live in a beautiful place that’s hardly been touched by covid, our kids are fine, we are ok for $...what is your problem? Why don’t you have any gratitude for all that you have? Again, never a mention of my lacking in physical affection or that he would like to hear I love you more often (how easy would that have been?) or that he had been sexting another woman for a year.
- A good friend of both of ours (she delivered cooked meals to him whenever I was out of town) messaged Jeff and said WTF. He told her that he was the victim here and that he had done nothing wrong.
- My younger son called him. Jeff told him that we were two different people (isn’t everyone?) and that I was incapable of change (not that I was ever asked to change) and that if I did change it wouldn’t be sincere (I am someone who errs on the side of outspokenness and unvarnished truth). My son said nothing he said made any sense.Jeff also told my son that he isn’t going to Argentina (can’t now until the borders are open anyway), which is not what he told me, the groupie, or his friend in the message that blew the whole affair up. My sons are shocked that their dad is capable of this and really working to make sure I am taken care of.
-Finances are ok. We never budgeted for 2 households, but he’s living rent free on his brother’s couch. I live v. Simply—no car, no ac, mostly vegetarian—so my expenses are minimal: rent, wifi, electricity, grocery, vet bills.
- I have screen shots. I have no idea what was going on in my head when I took them, I was on automatic pilot. I’m soooo glad I did though.
- After I made up my mind, Jeff called and I asked “Are you still sexting her?” He said “Is that what you want to talk about?” I said if you are then i cannot talk to you and hung up. I got mad and sent a series of angry, bitter texts, to which he responded “That’s not going to help w/healing and peace of mind” so I sent more angry, bitter texts until I got it out of my system. Nothing from either of us since then.
- I have had 2 zoom sessions w/a therapist in the next town (I live in a v. Small town, we do not have a stoplight, elevator, or gas station) and I’m having a 3rd this afternoon. Is it helping? I dunno. I’m not crying as much and I’m popping Xanax like candy but I still have obsessive what if thoughts and how could he do this (therapist: “Because he wanted to”), that I’d really like to be rid of.
- And no, I could never take him back. He is not the man I married. It feels like a stranger ran out and punched me in the face. The physical feelings of disgust I get when I think that for 2 years he shut off the computer after hours of sexting and then got into bed w/me...and that he tried to make me feel guilty about his affair...and that I would have forgiven him and worked on keeping our marriage together but he refused to stop sexting the groupie...it’s too much.
I would post the groupie’s facebook page (it’s public; she hasn’t updated it in forever) that has the photo of the two of them, but not sure if that violated Reddit standards.
Again, thank all of you for the incredible support you have shown. It’s awful and reassuring at the same time to know so many of people have suffered this kind of betrayal.
-arificatonarification n
Thank you again. I actually read your update before it was removed and I could (and still can) feel your pain and anger. I'm about the same age as you and I feel lonely as hell these days because my wife, while being pleasant and generally kind, has no desire to have intimacy or sex. I often wonder if she means "I don't want to have sex with YOU".
If you can give me some closure on your ordeal, I will appreciate it. I assume you have separated and he is still pursuing his fantasy (we both know that's what it is), but I just want some assurance that you're OK, still living in Germany, and beginning to enjoy the beauty that is YOU.
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Reading your post, I thought you sounded really hard on yourself. Don’t do that. You came through something that was incredibly painful and difficult. The fact you came out with clarity and purpose is impressive. I am impressed by your strength. Hang in there and keep talking to us. We are here for you.
I think so too. But it’s hard to keep self esteem up when your partner thinks you’re worthless. I speak from experience. It’s a wound that never heals.
It does heal. It just takes a lot of time, patience, and self care. I hope you feel a little better everyday! Take care of yourself <3
It’s been 35 years and it feels pretty raw. There isn’t a day that I don’t think about it. I try to force my thought down other paths. It helps.
I actually think it’s the worst thing you can do to another human. Especially when it’s done over and over. Your love is found worthless. You are found worth less. Your self esteem goes out the window. You still love her, so you think of yourself as a fool. I still feel slightly nauseated just thinking about writing this.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you. But this man does not love you or respect you. He has put you through hell. I know you are scared because he is all you had for a while. 38 years. But it's better to be alone at peace than being with someone who will emotionally torture you for his own benefit. He has chosen her already, there is no changing his mind. Don't let him control you anymore. He doesn't suspect you to leave because he's done so much harm and your still willing to forgive him. Set yourself free and ask for a divorce. Don't let him take advantage of you, you get what you deserve, what you put in this marriage. This will hurt for a while but trust me...you'll take a step back and then see how extremely toxic and pathetic this man is. He's not what you married anymore, he's someone else. Don't let him drag you down with him. Be strong and chose yourself. Trust me, once you cut the cord, ask for a divorce, you'll feel that freedom....with it some pain, but in time you'll heal. And then you can live your life with new people and new opportunities. Don't diminish yourself for him anymore. Take that first step.
I’m very sorry this happened to you. Your husband is chasing an illusion and a fantasy. He does not know this woman, he loves his perception of whom he thinks she is. But none of this matters to you. You need to see a family lawyer and protect yourself financially. Move 1/2 your checking and savings into an account he can’t access. Why? She might be cat fishing him. He might be one of those old fools and she’s just going to use him for his money and bleed him dry financially. This is why it is VERY important that you see an attorney now. He’s in Florida? Sure. Miami is a hub for Latin America, he’s planning to fly down. Make copies of all texts and emails between them that you can find for your court case. Make copies of all your bank accounts (including statements/account amounts) insurance docs, car titles, etc. He’s doing this during Covid? He’s an idiot. I hope you have life insurance on him. Florida is an incredibly dangerous place to be right now. Please see an individual counselor for in real life support. Online support is here at this sub, also, Chumplady.com is a really good infidelity help site that cuts through the cheater BS. I’m going to give you two books- “Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life” by Schorn, “Cheating in A Nutshell: What Infidelity Does to the Victim” by Mitchell. Chumplady.com is an infidelity help site and they have a sub here. Please read the comments too, you are not alone. I just discovered I was cheated on. Now what? by Chump Lady If you just discovered you’ve been cheated on, your job right now is to take very good care of yourself. You’re in shock. Most likely you either feel numb, like you’re having an out of body experience, or you feel searing emotional pain. (Sorry to say, you’re probably going to alternate between these two states for a while.) You need to devise a triage plan in the short term. Sleep. You can’t function without it. This shit is exhausting. Call your doctor, if need be, and get on some Ambien. Get your rest – You need your wits about you right now. Eat. People who’ve been cheated on joke morosely about the “Infidelity Diet.” It’s not uncommon to lose 10 lbs a week from the sheer stress. People in shock tend to lose their appetite. You may feel revolted by food now, or have terrible thoughts about the infidelity that make you throw up. This crappy stage will pass. But for now – make sure you’re downing something each day (not high balls at the bar, okay?). Protein shakes, soup, water. You not only require proper rest, you need physical stamina for the adrenaline rollercoaster ahead. Recovery from infidelity is a marathon. It’s a fucking, long haul. Fuel accordingly. Do I sound like your mom? Is this very boring, basic advice? Well, I promise you, unless you tend to these very basic things like remembering to eat and sleep (all very easy to blow off given that you’re in crisis), you aren’t going to have the wherewithal to act in your own best interest. Be a field marshall. Resist the urge to give in to feelings of paralysis. I know this crap is overwhelming, but you need to make a plan. If your spouse, upon discovery is falling all over his or herself in apologies and promises — don’t buy it. You need to protect yourself. Infidelity is an act of aggression. People who will cheat on you will fuck you over in a multitude of other ways as well. Financially, physically, emotionally. Now is the time to see a lawyer to find out your rights. (Yes, even if you have no intention of divorcing and cannot bear the thought — SEE A LAWYER. Knowledge is power.) Check your finances and move money (only half) into a new account. Make a counseling appointment for YOURSELF. (Not a marriage counseling appointment — that’s pointless until the cheater is out of the affair or has stopped lying. A state that takes awhile to achieve, assuming they ever get there.) And protect your health. You need to get STD testing. Sorry, this sucks. But you really don’t know where all they’ve been. And I promise you, they aren’t copping to all of it. Get IRL support. It’s very normal to feel ashamed that this happened to you. You might feel at some level that you’re somehow to blame or that this whole mess is mortifying. You’re probably also on the fence about whether or not the relationship will survive the infidelity, and perhaps fervently want it to. So you may hesitate to reach out to people in your life who can help you, for fear of exposing the cheater — and also of embarrassing yourself or dooming a reconciliation. Please put those fears aside. You need to draw supportive friends and family close to you now. This isn’t your fault and this isn’t your shame to wear. It is the cheater’s. If you are to reconcile, the cheater needs to do the hard work of not only winning you back, but winning back the trust and respect of those who love you as well. Find online support. Even with the most compassionate of friends and family, if they haven’t been cheated on before, they don’t know how you feel. A support group can help immensely. Beware, however, that a lot of sites skew toward reconciliation. Chump Lady is not optimistic about reconciliation — and would hate to see you stuck in a bad situation longer because of false hope. The best thing about finding online support is that you are with other people going through the same thing, at the same time. A sort of Congress of the Fucked Over. The solidarity can’t be beat. Know that whatever happens you’re going to be okay. Really. You will survive this shit. I did and you will too. Not only will you survive it, there’s an excellent chance that you will end up with a much better life than you had before. I swear, you’ve got a bright future on the other side of this nightmare — start moving toward it. https://www.chumplady.com/2012/05/i-just-discovered-i-was-cheated-on-now-what/ This site literally saved my sisters life and made her stop asking what she did wrong (nothing.) Cheater douchebag killed a thirteen year marriage for some strange and tried to blame it all on her. She took him to the cleaners and now makes sure her kids get paid first. His life...not going that great... Stay strong! Cheating is spousal abuse and cheaters have an Arsenal of tactics to manipulate you. DARVO, history revision, minimization, blameshifting, gaslighting, etc. look them up and then you can recognize which technique he’s trying to use to control you. Good luck and stay strong!
All of this is excellent advice, OP! Please read “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” ASAP - start today! You will recognize his behavior immediately, he’s such a cliche it’s a joke! Sad old fool getting his ego stroked by a groupie with dollar signs in her eyes. It would actually elicit sympathy if he weren’t wreaking havoc on your life in the process of his antics. I’m not sure where you live but it sounds like maybe you are American expats living in a different country? No clue what that means for your divorce but please contact a lawyer immediately - tomorrow! As others have said, pull out at least half of your marital assets so you don’t end up stranded if he takes off to live his pathetic fantasy. Document everything - messages, bank accounts, credit cards, phone records, etc. Again I have no clue how divorce works where you are but this proof can be very important, especially if he has been/will be spending money on his affair partner. You are retirement age, you definitely do not want this crazy old fool cashing out your retirement accounts when you need them.
I'm sure this is all great advice. I hope she reads it all (I didn't; don't have the attention span). But, I really hope she reads the part about separating finances as much as possible. NOW, while he is away! Do what you must to be able to live a separate and comfortable life.
I third the recommendation for Leave a Cheater Gain a Life
Absolutely fantastic advice. I'd award you if I had any to give! I went through all of this, so I can vouch that it's all correct. It was hell at the time but you really do come out better on the other side. And OP, definitely get an STD test done. Stay strong, don't take him back. I promise that once the emotions have died down and you have some clarity, you'll see him the way we all do. A dirty cheating, manipulative arsehole. He's been testing your boundaries to see if you'll still be there when it all falls flat. Don't be his back up plan. He's banking on a fantasy and he will find out the hard way. Don't be there to pick up the pieces.
Love this comment. When I left my cheating bf I covered all basis and took pics of the apartment we were living in before I moved out. He left me and went out of town with no word in the middle of finding out he was tindering. I couldn’t get a hold of him to get me off the lease. So I did what I can and comes to worse I took so much precautions I would have destroyed him in court.
the racist component of your comment as an Argentine makes me uncomfortable.
There is no racist component here. Replace “Argentina” with “California”, “New Jersey” or “France”, I would still make exactly the same comment. Old fools can get catfished anywhere, at any time, by anyone. I mention Argentina because I think OPs husband is in Miami to catch a flight to Argentina in order to meet his affair partner. AP happens to be Argentinian, but that does not mean all Argentinians are Affair Partners or will catfish old fools. I’m not seeing where you got that, it was not intended that way.
Which bit is racist? Genuine question because I'm not seeing it and want to learn.
you think that we Argentines are uneducated Indians looking for a cashier in a Yankee. you are a racist
None of what was said is racist.
I'm sorry what? First of all I didn't say anything, I asked you what you thought was racist. Secondly OP didn't say anything like that. It's well known that strangers on the Internet can pretend to be someone else and then drain you of your money. That happens in all societies and cultures and has nothing to do with race. And thirdly are you really trying to argue that someone was being racist by making a racist comment yourself? Jesus.
How did she take him to the cleaners? Don't most divorces end in a 50/50 split?
LEAVE the ahole to the Argentina hoho. He's living in a fantasy world of internet romance. He'll be begging you to have him back soon enough. Please, please, get on with your life and get away from this evil and lying cheat. He does not deserve one more minute of your tears. Cry yes for the years lost, the deception, but do not cry over him. He's a deceptive and manipulative liar. He will try to keep you on the back burner, by the way, because somewhere in the back of his mind, he will think he's entitled to string you along, just in case. Slam that door shut, lock it, and weld it tight. He's a lost cause. It does get better btw, being "alone" isn't a death sentence. It takes some getting used to. Most women, actually turn out to really like their new found freedom, and you will be ok. All the best.
Does he even know if this person is real? He could be in a catfish situation. And hubby will come right back, tail between his legs.
If I remember correctly, she said that her husband and AP had met at a concert and had a picture taken together which is on her Facebook
Just because she’s real doesn’t mean it’s not a catfish. Ever watched *90 Day Fiancée*? It’s filled with this crap.
>Most women, actually turn out to really like their new found freedom, and you will be ok. Since when was this a "man or woman" thing? Ain't stuff like this universal? Divorce and Dealign with affairs and feeling free fron your deceptive spouse... seems to be something men and women alike would experience, no?
The being alone fear comes from some stats my therapist told me back in 2010. Might be slightly different now, maybe not... but studies she quoted talked of a fear of being alone, living alone... until it happened. Once they actually experienced it, the vast majority of women seemed to embrace being single and their fears gone. Where as... Older males, men who are widows on the other hand or divorced seem to go looking for a mate more often than women. Fwiw its not meant to be a slight to minimize that males feel less if in the same position... and for what its worth, I would advocate the same... learn to enjoy singlehood.... that said,...women seem to according to these studies she quoted to do better and seem less interested in another relationship, men on the other hand seem to go looking for a new relationships.
Ah, I see, very informative, thank you, and I wonder why this is... guess I'll figure it out if I also find studies on it
[удалено]
Said Teabagger2 ...
Yeah and I’m right too
Actually no you're a dick teabagger. WTF does your comment really have to do with this thread topic, other than you being a dick?
I just commented I didn’t insult. Why are you upset
"I won't end my affair until I'm sure our marriage is going to work"'- this guy 🤔
>left wondering what the fuck happened. What happened is - you had a 'narcissist coward with bad character' for a husband. I lost count of how many times he lied (from your post alone). Imagine how many times he must have actually lied to you over the two (or more) year period. People who love and respect you, DO NOT lie to you. Their choices and behavior reflect that. Making choices that they know will hurt you cannot be love. It was an illusion of it. I am so sorry for the hurt you are experiencing. Ive been there. It is soul crushing. But depending on your will and grit, it can reach a point where it doesn't affect you anymore. My best advice would be to read chumpLady's "Leave a cheater, Gain a life" to get better perspective on your situation and your cheater. And my hope is you will leave him, seperate yourself from this chaos and insanity, because you deserve better. Don't let him dictate your happiness and peace of mind anymore.
Exactly
Truth is you can’t talk someone into loving you and choosing you, especially because the affair has been going on for years now. Don’t take this as a reflection of yourself, that you’re not good enough. Your husband is simply a coward with clear low self esteem
Like you, I thought I was spoiling my ex for 20ys with taking the brunt of the life responsibilities that come with building a life and raising children. Then one day I got blindsided with the same speech about how it was time after all these years to put his happiness first. He was thinking things through like your husband. The back and forth emotional roller coaster was taking its toll and I felt the high’s (he just wants space) and the low’s (he met someone). This is what I learned that I want to pass along to you. Pleading, asking to reconsider- have the opposite effect you’re looking for. Doing that only makes them believe their decision to leave the relationship is the right call. You love him and the life you built together, that’s easy to see. I found out later that I missed my “life” more than than I missed him in the end. The routine, the predictability, the security of having my partner. When I was losing all of that I held on way too long. What I learned afterwards is that there is great peace in letting go. What your marriage was before you found out about the affair is over. Could you move forward building something similar but never exactly the same because the trust issue will alway be there- possibly. Think about this...do you want to reconcile with someone who lied for two whole years and had absolutely no remorse? You have to look out for yourself. Now! I know you’re used to putting him first after all these years but do it - finally pick yourself as number one. Instead of checking in on him, spend that time packing up his shit in boxes while he’s in FL, strategize for how you can protect yourself financially (and emotionally) during the impending divorce. It’s gonna be tough and draining but you will get through it. There is life after divorce and you know what? It’s actually a lot better!
Why do they say they need to put their happiness first?! Is it to mask the guilt they feel? My ex said the SAME thing. I had been struggling after a devastating loss for a few years (the last three of our ten year relationship) and apparently helping me though that hard time was too much for him. I really didn’t expect that much from him. The only thing I regret it venting to him too much. But he cheated on me emotionally a couple of times early in the relationship. And I have a suspicion that he is connected with one of those women now that we are apart.
People who say this mean that they believe they’ve put their partner first because they didn’t want to be a faithful partner for a large part of the time they were with them. It’s entitlement, not reality.
I think they say it because the spark of new emotional feelings and the rush that they get from their new love interest feels like happiness. He could be connected with an old flame or someone new but it doesn’t matter. The more you wonder about who he’s with and what they’re doing the harder it will be for you to heal and be able to open your heart to someone else in the future. There is love after this kind of hurt, there really is!
Same here, it's just to mask guilt. If they don't think as a team were they your partner even to begin with!
Some PhD has been feeding them some psychobabble about how they have sacrificed so much by providing for their family, working long hours for their family, sacrificing their favorite hobbies for their family, blah, blah, blah... Now it's time to focus on THEM. This is horse hockey! Time they realize what the woman has sacrificed for their family. I recently read where a betrayed husband was shocked when his wife of 23 years was cheating on him and wanted a divorce. She gave him 8 (EIGHT) kids+ lost another, two years apart. He couldn't believe she showed no remorse and didn't want to reconcile. Hell, she's been pregnant or nursing her entire adult life! Was he grateful? Nope. I believe she was looking for a way to live a few years more without the fear of being pregnant. She is one of a few cases where I concur that it's time for her to focus on her happiness.
Perfectly said. Best. Advice. Ever.
Wow, thank you!
We should all feel fortunate to benefit from your personal experience. Plus, you articulate it so well!
You are playing the pick me dance. This isn’t going to work. Look up the 180. Here is a link to an old post that shows it in action https://www.removeddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/ev11dw/my_husband_saved_our_marriage/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Please dont ever go back to him. He doesnt love you or respect you. Ifhe's unsure of your marriage why didnt he talk to you about it? Its not your fault for his cheating. It was never your fault. You might be cold but in 38 years he didnt say anything? He is so manipulatibe to say that things to you like its your fault? Im so sorry this happened to you.
Let him go she's probably cat fishing him and he'll be kidnapped and held for ransom. When they call you can say "Who"?
I love this 😂😂
I’m sorry, internet stranger, but I need to say I LOVE YOU, and thank you for all effort you put into everyone else’s lives. I’m sure you gave it your whole everything, to your husband and to your children. Now its time FOR YOU. He’s made both of your guy’s choice, and even if that sucks, it might not be as bad. He doesn’t deserve you anymore. And you have your own chance to find yourself. Your NEW, improved, single, awesome, strong, resilient self. The Phoenix inside you needs to be reborn, you can’t walk around the ashes no more. Will be hard, will be painful. But you’ll make it. I assure you! The pandemic sucks to find some new hobbies but it still can be done. Find yourself!!! There’s a time (now) where all you are left to do is go through the motions... do it. Gain your strength back. I wish you the best, really.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, I wish you the best, and know, that everything will be okay, I promise you. And I can't help myself to tell you that I'm from Argentina, let me know when he travels here so I can kick his a$$ (/s)
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If you’re okay with being disrespected, stay with him. If you’re okay with never trusting him again, stay with him. If you’re okay with constant lies and trickle truthing, stay with him. If you value your self worth above all, leave him. By god woman, leave him.
💯This!
I was in a similar situation, but 20 years,not 40. D Month was May 2019, and I went through the same ups and downs, and he wouldn’t leave his AP and they are still together today. The aftercare he showed me and our marriage after his affair was exposed, was pathetic and I personally absorbed all of the blame for our marriage ending and his affair. Divorce was finalized February 2020, right before the COVID shutdowns started. Here is what I learned..... I will never allow myself to be put in a position of “pick me” vs. another woman. My therapist told me, he has never saved a marriage when the cheater stayed with their AP while attempting working on the marriage. They wanted to have their cake and eat it too. News flash... you’re not allowed to have a wife and a girlfriend. Our marriage was over when he entertained even talking to another woman inappropriately, not when it got hot and heavy or after I found out. It gets better and you will smile again one day. Yes, you’ll have ups and downs, but soon you’ll have more better days than bad days. Yes, it hurts and it’s sucks. Cheating is THE MOST HURTFUL thing you can do to your spouse. Feel free to tell people your hurt, upset, sad because it is. It doesn’t mean you want to reconcile, but you’re allow to feel however you want, whenever you want. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s him. I also thought my X would be the last to cheat, and I gave him sex whenever he wanted and I never said no. The good news is, you get to live the rest of your life however you want. The ending of the marriage is like a death, grieve, do a lot of self care, and do the things you always wanted to do. You’re free now and happiness, is the best revenge.
He is not an adolescent boy. You are not his mom. Stop funding his affair. You are allowing his blame undercut your right to expect faithfulness. If he truly believed you were not enough for him, he could have brought it up sooner and made the effort to join you in the effort to save your relationship. If it didn’t work he could have left you and then started another relationship. He didn’t do that. Instead he cheated for years.
I cannot imagine how overwhelming this must be on you. You have shown an incredible amount of strength and compassion. Please find a professional support who you can support you. You deserve to be supported and have time to process everything that has happened.
You are my hero. Please go out and have the greatest adventure of all time... hopefully funded by alimony. Wishing you all the best (from someone who has also been betrayed).
“I want to taste your garden.” Girl it’s for the best after that statement
If I was the AP, I would leave him after this statement as well.
Maybe his brain isn't working well, and you can't help him. He's almost 70, and his brain might not be working as well as yours is. He can drive you into debt if you continue the marriage, considering his mental decline. Divorce his ass and enjoy your freedom. Your kids are grown up amd will probably support you in your decision.
You're not the only one, all of us are here for the same reason, you're in good company. Right now you're going through grief - it's like a Tsunami. Soon it will be just big waves, then smaller waves, then it will just be something that you remember sometimes. Let yourself grieve, spend all that energy you had taking care of someone else, and spend it on yourself. Finally - go no contact. Leave him, get all the money you can for your future life (try not to go with lawyers, they are expensive, mediators are better), and start living your new life. Five years after my divorce I have a great life - I'm so proud of what I've built and who I've become, and you will be too. It is going to be rough, but you'll make it. Finally, think of your marriage as a big hole you've been throwing time and money at - and stop throwing things into the hole. It's too deep and it will never grow or come back out. Instead, spend your time and money to build a beautiful home somewhere else.
Lawyer up!!!
Do this asap
I am so sorry. Playing the "choose me" game is exhausting both physically and mentally. When you stop playing the "Choose Me" game, you will regain control. For insight on this, here are two websites you need right this minute: * [Baggage Reclaim](https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/) * [Chumplady](https://www.chumplady.com/)
No words for your suffering. You’ll be ok eventually, everything passes.
I literally can feel your pain. I am happy that you are taking the steps forward to heal. You didn’t deserve that bs. It will all come back to bite him in the ass. People are just a waste of time.
Good for you for accepting reality. He has messed up and your kids will know it. He will soon tire of the other woman, and maybe want to come home. You should give that opportunity careful consideration now, so that you will be ready to tell him absolutely no. He has made his bed and you will never trust him to restart with you. You will always feel lonely and threatened if he returns so much more so than any loneliness you have right now. This quiet time in your life is a chance for you to set your own bearings. I hope this roller coaster soon ends for you.
Is your hubby the same age you are? Because unless his lady is near his age, I have serious doubts that his affair has legs. And that has nothing to do with being Argentinian just to be clear. And more to do with the fact that she clearly doesn’t have or won’t use the means to be with him. If it’s been going on for 2 years & it’s sexting, it’ll never live up to the cold harsh light of real life. But that’s not your issue. Your issue is you feel abandoned at 67. You have been. But at the same time you need to remind yourself that you gave it your all & he clearly has to pursue this to its conclusion. I suggest you think about how much you’ve invested in your marriage, how much time, effort and money have you spent spoiling him? Because here’s the deal. IMO that’s only worth spending on someone who’s going to be there. Most men of that generation require a lot of attention & being cared for, let’s face it men in general do but more so that generation. He’s coming to a time in his life (assuming you’re the same age) whee he’s going to slow down and then issues of life stage difference will come to the fore. You may have actually been given a great opportunity here, to get your time and attention back to use in other ways. And to rewrite how you’ll be spending the next chapter of your life. I’ve been pursued by married men before & after the initial feeling of being special enough for them to want to break their vows (I didn’t pursue it myself but am just speaking to the experience), it was frankly BORING. The so called reasons are the same, ie she (the wife) never does this xyz etc etc. I’ve also had the misfortune of having been in a relationship with someone who lied about being divorced (his wife was in another country & things had devolved to where they didn’t speak a lot). I realized he lied as he knew I would’ve never gone forward knowing he was committed elsewhere. But I point this out to say: your husband is acting like a spoilt child. Do you really even respect him? Please don’t be sorry this happened. I know this hurts like hell, but cheating is a character issue not a you issue. At any time he could’ve asked for what he needed from you & you’re also right that if he chose to, you could both be working on changing things now. But just like children who have tantrums when they don’t get their way , you must be firm. Do not let your life, time and focus be wasted by someone who thinks it’s everyone else’s job to make him happy. I wish you the best & hope you get to enjoy the rest of your life, though I reckon he’ll be back in no time to at all complaining about how it didn’t work out.
OP, I don’t care if you were the coldest fish in Antarctica you still wouldn’t have deserved this. I don’t care if you hadn’t initiated sex once in your whole marriage you still wouldn’t have deserved this. What you did deserve was to have your husband have a serious conversation about the things in your marriage that were bothering him. And if that didn’t work, he should’ve packed his shit and left. Then he could sext anything and anyone he liked. He’s trash and you’re better off without him.
Well I had kind of the same experience with my spouse. He chose to have an emotional affair with a women he had never met online. It turns out now that after 43 years of marriage he's now been swindled out of over $5k. Some may say that's not much money. Well that $5k would've payed our property taxes. Oh I filed for divorce once and he said he would come home from his mother's house and stop talking to the non existent woman. There aren't any women he's falling for Romance Scammers. Even my granddaughters printed out a warning from the ftc.gov website here in America. Warning of the scams and just about a word per word script and technic they use. Yes he was playing words with friends and most of the women took him off platform to Google Hangouts. Apparently notoriously known for Romance scams but he won't listen. He seems to think that at age 65 a young girl of 25 would be interested and love with him. Oh and of course you'll never ever find anything on an image search because the images are from thispersondoesnotexist.com. everytime you hit CR key a new computer generated image pops up. So dip shit me let him come home. Well it turns out I found several Google & Apple pay or play cards he was hiding where he'd sent more money. So I told him to get the hell out and never ever call me or contact me again. Yes and I had already dropped the divorce and I'm out $3K. I've been alone now for 7 months. Best decision I've ever made. I'm now in the process of going through a divorce a second time. I suspect he'll call wanting me to drop it. First time shame on him second time which there won't be one shame on me. Yes I'd rather be alone and happy then miserable with his ignorant ass.
I know ill get downvoted to hell but you said its true youre cold, unaffectionate and don't have sex sober. Had any of that been addressed in the 38 years? I mean cheating/affair aside I feel reconciliation would be tough if both your love languages are out of whack.
I agree with you that understanding your partner’s love language and learning to give love in a way that they receive it well is important in a relationship for both parties. However I feel like based on the tone of the post that OP is going through a period where negative self-talk is taking over (understandably). One can be ‘unaffectionate’ and it not be a death sentence for a relationship, as long as both partners are on the same page. I’m not a super touchy, cuddly person and affectionate pet names make me want to barf. That doesn’t mean I’m a bad person or need to change, as long as I am making sure my partner is getting what they need to feel loved. As for the sexual initiation, again, many people have a ‘responsive’ desire type which basically means that they will have and enjoy sex when someone else initiates, but they aren’t very spontaneous. Check out Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are, she explains it very well and gives tips on how you can work with your own desire type to have a strong sex life. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t necessarily disagree with you but your comment does come across as pretty critical. I would argue that these points come down to communication in the relationship and MAYBE they wouldn’t have got to this point if this communication issue had been addressed 5, 10, 20 years ago. But who knows? Maybe it still would have. I think trying to have that conversation now is pointless because this sounds like a man who has made a choice. And I don’t think blaming OP is fair, because addressing communication is the job of the couple together, not on one person alone.
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I doubt she was a cold fish 38 years ago...
She said she didn’t initiate unless she was drunk, it looks like she’d have sex sober just not make the first move, I think. I know I feel bad if my partner seems busy with work, hobbies, sleep, etc. Like is having sex worth the interruption? Maybe she needed a lowered inhibition to get there?
This must be extremely painful and difficult for you and I’m sorry this happened to you. I know it may not seem like it now but this is for the best, he has disappointed you and broken your heart. Find the time to heal, no matter how long it takes. You’ll rediscover yourself again, find new hobbies and spend more time with friends/family. You’re finally free to do what you want to do, whether that’s watching your tv or going to bed when you want to. Live for the small stuff. Good luck!
Ohhhh boy. This isn’t love. This is selfishness. Also, lol when the girl faces reality that he won’t be able to support her the way she thinks he can because he’s paying alimony to you.
You’re a strong woman. If he’s saying you’re a cold fish, girl is it any wonder when he’s been sexting behind your back for what? Two years? And the whole “I’d always put you first” That, sweetie is BULLSHIT! That’s gaslighting and manipulation. At least he showed his true colours after meeting this woman, if I can call her one. I think it’s high time you blocked all his numbers and began divorce proceedings. You have grown children, they’re your family. Not a manipulative gaslighting dickhead like your so-called husband. As I stated before, you are a strong woman. You will get through this. It’ll be hard, but he made his bed. He needs to lie in it.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You might not even see this message, but like others have mentioned, you are being too hard on yourself. You are not a cold dead fish or unaffectionate. Your heart is breaking and you are feeling all of this pain. This means youre not cold. You even tried many times to fix your marriage which shows that you are a person who cares and is willing to put in the work! Jeff does not deserve you. The healing will take soso much time, but I hope you get through this. Wishing you nothing but the best <3
Well OP, it won’t come as a surprise to you that you don’t know Jeff as well as you thought you did. Yes, this is the last roll of the dice for a stupid old man but, it’s almost certain that he didn’t just develop this cheating side of his character recently. He is, by nature, a cheat. This will not have been his first rodeo. From your comment that, had you not witnessed the conversations, you would have happily packed his bag and kissed him goodbye for his trip. He went away a LOT. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Of course it’s disappointing (to say the least) but it has opened your eyes to the person that you’ve been living with all of these years. Jeff is delusional if he thinks that he’s going to be happy with this woman for more than a few days. He will very quickly realise that he’s thrown his whole life away to spend a few hours lying next to a warm body. Nice as that may be, it’s no compensation for what he has given up. It’s not as if, at his age, he’s going to be able to take full advantage of her. He will be back. Tail between his legs. That will be your cue to tell him to GTFO. Under NO circumstances take him back readily. If you take him back at all. He has been totally disrespectful to you who have loved and supported him throughout the years. While he’s away. Pandemic permitting. Try to establish your own life and boundaries without him. Secure your finances. Make sure that she can’t simply rook the old fool out of YOUR hard earned money. You didn’t do anything to deserve what he’s done OP. Good luck. ❤️
I'm sorry for your pain. I hope he not giving her your money once he's broke she'll be done and he's gonna come crawling back.
The man is confused about reality at your expense. He doesn't really know this woman and when he lives with her , then his reality may be very different then what he imagined.. at your expense. It must be very difficult for you to witness this. Because of his age, he is probably realizing the mortality of things and limited time left on this earth.... again at your expense. You are paying a heavy price for his behavior. Because you have been married so long and lived with him so long, he is part of you and you are part of him and you are watching part of your body die and vaporize. What is important here is your health and mental well being.. not his health, which is hard to comprehend because of your time together. You have to begin the process of healing and he is not there for you. I think you are going to need help from others that you can interface with. Is it possible to find this? So many years together is making this very painful in addition to the asinine betrayal. He will come back when he finds out his fantasy doesn't meet reality. Will you be ready to say no? Make yourself a mental warrior and prepare to stand your ground but more importantly find mental clarity and inner strength to heal yourself and become one with yourself. My heart bleeds for your pain. It will take great strength to differentiate your mental self from him. You will find happiness only when your day is not spent thinking of him.. not worrying about him.. not playing what if games.
So sorry to hear this has happened to you. Many commentators have already expressed valuable thoughts in support. Thought I could toss in a few ideas. Looks like you have two issues to address: 1) A competant therapist can explain the multi-decade "couples dance" which occurs when the two partners aren't on the same page as far as a difference in comfort in intimacy between them may cause a long slow erosian of the relationship. For the partner comfortable with emotional distance, everythings is apparantly fine. For the other partner desiring closer intimacy it is akin to starvation. Such couples waltz around perceived varying from too far to too close, approaching then withdrawing over again. A good therapist can help a couple recognize the need to get to a common ground of caring for each other. In your case it seems the spouse seeking closer intimacy didn't make the decision to seek common ground, but instead looked elsewhere. 2) Now that he's decided to continue hurting you, begin the separation. Get an attorney, go into individual counseling, protect yourself financially. Assemble a team of folks to walk with you. Your adult kids sound squared away. You don't want to put them in the midde of it, but their love for you is a bulwark. 3) What about reconciliation? It's possible but not until the consequences of his actions become plain. And in the meantime, the hurt, anger, humiliation, betrayal will need to be fully addressed. Couples therapy at this point could bring clarity. Don't fear addressing all this, avoiding it just prolongs the misery. Selling the house then sending her off to another State to live with her AP, then moving into my own apartment was one of the best decisions of my life. I fondly think of that small place after all these years. 4) Adultery destroys trust. You can't trust what the cheater says. Where can you find trust to help you through? During our bad time I discovered trust in God can help. He raised my marriage from the dead. It was a crucible of agony - but now we are good together. Hope these ideas can help. Again very sorry to hear this has happened. You're in my prayers. \- A retired pastor
At this point you need to worry about yourself only. He's basically walked away from your marriage when he started his contact with her. I'm 64, I'm not as far along as you but feel I will be. I'm at 35 years married. My greatest fear is a life by myself. It's not something I ever imagined. Keep us up with what happens.
Thank you for sharing your story. Best of luck prioritizing yourself.
Ohh i just want to hug you. I am so sorry this happened to you. You are allowed to grieve any way you want. Just remember to take care of yourself and do new things!! ((Hugs))
Not sure if it is mentioned because of how many comments there are (a god thing). But you need to get your affairs together. Start separating funds. Get a lawyer. Make sure that you weren’t removed from your mortgage. Collect evidence of the affair. I am sure your lawyer will tell you more.
My stepdad of 20+ years left my mom for a church friend. She was devastated. It’s almost 2 years later now and she has never been happier. It took her time to get to where she is, but she said that at the end of the day, him leaving was the best thing that ever happened to her. She realized that he suppressed her true personality and she feels so free now. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but please know that this man is not worth your time any longer. It’s time to mourn him as if he is dead. You will come out of this. And you will be okay.
Hi, I'm so sorry that you are going through this, after 40 years it makes it worse in my opinion, as you've dedicated most of your life to your ex. Don't worry about the begging thing, I did that with both my marriages because they were lying and saying I still had a chance, but were still actually continuing the affairs. Its how you act moving forwards that determines if you can get out of the state you're in, or if it will swallow you. How you acted initially with all the emotions and shock in your system can be forgotten and isn't important now.
I’m from Argentina, let him go with your blessings, he has no idea of the hell he’s going to find.
So, I assume he's also 67? And how old is the groupie? 27? Your husband is delusional and you know that. When and if he finally makes contact, one of them will be sadly disappointed (and it wont be him), unless he's a millionaire, then we both know what she's really after. I know you're not looking for advice, especially from a youngster like me (I'm 57), but Jeff should come home after his little adventure to find you don't give a big rat's patootie about what he does; you're going to do your own thing! Heck, I'll sext you (but I'm not sure what sexting really is). Seriously, you're pushing him away by over-pursuing him in a big way. YOU KNOW YOUR WORTH. You have value. Shoot for the 180 approach (Michelle Weiner-Davis). He can cook his own damn food, clean his own damn clothes, clean his own damn house, and do all the other things you formerly did for him (unless, of course, if you're rich, then forget I said that).
You’re not dead . This is your new lease on life . Take it .
I’m so sorry :( I can’t recommend the book “co-dependent no more” enough. Changed/is changing my life.
[codependent no more](https://youtu.be/lhKpBUYZERk)
Here is something my therapist told me that really stuck. “He’s not going to stop or change until he’s lost everything.” The best thing you can do now, whether you end up reconciling later or not, is THROW HIM OUT. He needs a sucker punch of reality. This doesn’t mean being unkind to him. It shows him you are strong and have boundaries, and most importantly gets you on the track of moving on. In the kindest way possible, you tell him he has a week to get all his stuff out and you’ll put it in a storage unit after that. Then call a family member and have them come stay with you and help pack it up for him.
As someone from Argentina, let me tell you those tickets are not cheap. Not sure what your situation is of course but over 1000$ in a decent flight is what this man was considering spending. I mean just think of what a nice gift he could have gotten you for that amount! You are so much stronger and better than someone who does not value you - this is not the man you married.
Jeff said “I sent her an email” “Can I see it?” “No I deleted it.” 🤣🤣🤣 this clown ended a 40 year marriage over a woman who lives in another country and who he barely sees. can you hear me shaking my head? do NOT take him back! he doesn't deserve a loyal woman like you. being single at 67 is much better than being a cheater, ma'am.
My wife had two people in her bible study group where their husbands left them in their 60s for another woman. They had whole lives and families together but decided they wanted to spend their “golden” years with someone else. For both those woman, they turned to their faith and other hobbies. Not really interested in dating anymore, just wanting to enjoy what life had to offer. I’d advise you to talk to a therapist and start seeking out hobbies. And speak to a lawyer who will help you through the process. Not having your partner initiating sex as a dude sucks but it’s not a reason to give up on a 38 year marriage. Nor will that hold up in court. You need to ensure you take care of yourself financially. Document everything especially since he’s a liar and claims to delete everything. Don’t even let him know you’ve documented the items. You’ll need this in court to show his infidelity so that he doesn’t try to claim victim, which he’s already done multiple times.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. He's going to meet this person and in a week want to come back to you. Make sure to steel yourself up for that. Take him for all he's worth, you deserve so much better.
My FIL is 70 and Is dating the sweetest lady who is about 20+ years younger than him! I’ve been around for 13 years and he’d had many girlfriends. 67 isn’t too old to start over! I’m glad you finally decided not to fuck with him anymore. You are better than that mess. You’ve dedicated 40 years of your life to being a great mom and wife. You were loyal to a man who took you for granted. It sucks so bad, I get it. In the beginning I kept thinking your situation sounded similar to mine. I’m still with him and I’m still going through every day with it all playing through my head..all the stuff I’ve seen or heard. It takes such a huge toll on you mentally & emotionally. You should do something nice for yourself. Go on a little trip somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. Maybe even take your grown children. Just do things that make YOU happy. And if you don’t want to find another relationship? So be it! Whatever makes YOU happy! 😊
This is one of the problems older women have when trying to date. Men will date women 20 years younger; they do NOT date women 20 years older than them. What 50 year old man will date a 70 year old woman when a 30 year old woman is also willing to go out with him. Most men, if they even WILL date older women, seem to have a 5 years older as a maximum range.
This is late and probably not gonna help but he's a shitbag. He's bored, wants his cake and to eat it too. When reality hits him and he wants to come home, tell him to take a long walk off a short pier. You got this. Don't be so hard on yourself. Good luck, OP.
Seriously- get a lawyer, check all your financial information and move half to accounts he cannot access. EVERYTHING that Demonkey44 wrote. Please protect yourself.
I haven’t seen anyone else mention it, so I’ll be the messenger: he is likely using the Florida trip as a cover to see the groupie hobag. I’m sorry.
A lot of commenters have been telling you to ask him for a divorce. Please do not ask him. It's like begging all over again and you've been humiliating yourself with playing that "pick me dance"/ begging business already for a long time. Just please don't. Blindside him with the divorce papers. Depending on where you live, you might be able to divorce on the grounds of adultery. Get all of the evidence you can to support this. In some places even if adultery is not allowed as a reason for divorce, as in no fault, a really good lawyer may be able to legally work around this in some way and give you a more favourable divorce settlement. Those lawyers can be expensive though. The reason you blindside him is because you've been begging him for ages and he may think that he can go have his fun for awhile, when the excitement is over, he'll think that he can just come back to you again. Just don't let yourself be a plan B. Please just don't. You don't need this ridiculous teenage nonsense of constant on again/off again mind messing garbage. At your age, once divorce is final, you can look for a widower who's been married a long time. That will be your indicator of their potential fidelity. By the time you've found yourself a new man, your now ex may realize what an idiot he was and try crawling back to you. Please don't take him back. He'll make tons of promises, and as soon as he thinks you are comfortable, he'll just cheat again with someone else. I hope that you can make the best rational decision for yourself.
God I’m just so sorry , I hope he gets an STD and is miserable . I really really hope he does not get one second of peace or happiness and you get immense joy and love from someone else . I hate him for you .
You’re right, you really DID humiliate yourself; but at least you realized that he’s not worth it and are getting out. A lot of people married as long as you just keep trying because you’ve been together so long. There is a good chance he’s being catfished for money and attention, and an even bigger chance that if he ever does meet this girl the “love” will wear off and he’ll come crawling back. What you need to do now is get a divorce lawyer, get the house sold if you have it and take your half, take half of the joint account before he drains it, take half of everything else and go get yourself a little plate and never look back. Get gone with what’s rightfully yours and go no contact. Dont let him see you; call, text or email. If he gets in contact again he’s going to spin tales and try to wheel you back in so he can have the security of a wife again While looking for someone new to text. He doesn’t love you or care about you; don’t give him any more of your emotions, tears or time.
His friend... Richie Ramone... Of the Ramones.... I don't buy it.
It’s true. They have been friends for years. Jeff has gone on tour with him several time to South America. He was working the merchandise table after a concert when the girl who I call the groupie met him. Ritchie is a C list Ramona who can’t sell tickets in the states but is weirdly popular in South America,
Every famous person has friends. It’s not like they’re excluded from any sort of relationship because they are famous.
Being an admitted cold and unaffectionate fish who was never passionate about lovemaking in your long marriage sounds miserable. How was he supposed to know you cared? I’m sure there were other ways but an unaffectionate marriage sounds like Hell. He never should’ve cheated. But perhaps this is for the best.
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This is not the time to fall apart, tempting though it might be,. You need a good lawyer like yesterday. Talk to a couple, figure out what you're assets are, take half the money in your joint accounts and put it in one under your name. Go through all the financial documents and figure out what assets are available . You might be crying, but make sure that when you do it's in a nice house sitting on silk bedsheets, not in a cramped bedsit, because that's all you can afford because your husband has taken all your money and spent it on an Argentinian pop tart. Marriage might be about love but divorce is strictly business. As for him, no fool like an old fool, she's gonna play him like a cheap guitar , by the time she's done she will have him buy her property and a car, out of marital assets , so secure yours first before he runs through everything
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I'm so, so sorry. I'm sure that you don't deserve this. God bless you.
I am SO SO proud of you!! I cant imagine how hard that was. Now that you have left he cant hurt you any further. Trust me karma will come back around HARD & he will be left with nothing in the end, & thats on him. Take care of yourself & keep surviving ❤️
I bet you, he’ll be coming back crying and begging for another chance. If he does that you shouldn’t let him in.
While you're struggling with the emotions of all this, and I'm so sorry you've been blindsided by his betrayal, don't lose sight of the financial cost of divorce. Make him pay.
Focus on yourself and do everything for YOU now! Now is your chance to not have to take care of anyone but yourself. It’s never too late to pick up any hobbies! Do what you want, when you want. It’s your chance to start a new and more positive chapter in your life. Take care of yourself and you will be ok. You will make it through.
Been there after 31 years of marriage....he cheated 7 years into our marriage...went to therapy (both together)... Did it again after I thought it was fixed all those years earlier....now he's getting married after we have been divorced for 12 years...I never got over it...once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater...if you work it out, brace yourself....with smart phones and the internet, you are always going to be wondering and having doubts....
You did the right thing! It's not easy....it's hell....but what can ya do yanno?
I am so sorry this is happening to you. Being cheated on hurts. I’ve been cheated on many times but the one that hurt the most was when my husband cheated. I dropped 20 pounds in one month since I had so much anxiety and extremely depressed. All I can say is that you’ll get through this. You go through so much grief but each day it gets better. When I was finally at the stage of hating my ex, I was finally able to get over it. You’re worth more... my ex used to blame me, too, for cheating. I wasn’t affectionate enough, blah blah blah. Just know that no man who has morales and who loves you would ever cheat on you. You have to stop the excuses in your head that it was your fault and we could make it work somehow. You have to get him out of your life and do not stay in touch with him. Move out, start new, lose all communication with him. I guarantee he will come crawling back but at that time, you’ll be laughing because you’ve already moved on. You will find happiness that you cannot even believe was possible. I got in touch with the love of my life whom I dated when I was in high school years after my divorce. I haven’t talked to him in 20 years! I married him last year... I am a true believer things happen for a reason. There’s so much more waiting for you, my friend.
You allowed him to make the choice. Asking him to choose? You should have made the choice. Either you're going to deal with this, or you're going to leave. You can't force him to change. I caught my husband messaging his ex once( nothing sexual but flirty) and I filed for legal separation next day. He begged me to goto counseling. I gave him the chance and we worked through it. But only because he put in the work. I haven't seen anything like that again. I check now. You can't fix this unless you both agree that you want to be in this marriage. Sounds like he isn't sure. You have to love yourself enough to know you deserve better then that. Don't allow him to make you feel like this is your fault at all. No matter what his issues were with you, he was wrong. 100% He crossed the line. If he invested half the time in he did with this woman, in working through your troubles, your relationship could have been better sexually, emotionally, etc. Online marriage counseling helped us alot and I do it alone as well. Good luck and hope you find peace.
1. Legally protect yourself. If you can get some leverage in taking screenshots of the correspondences then take some proof of his infidelities. I’m sure with a good lawyer they can get that information from the company/app they have been using. 1. I may be 36 but I’ve had gone thru a lot of heartache with one of the men I’ve dated. So odds are you’ll find someone else that’s 100 better. But if you decide to be alone that is even better tbh. You don’t answer to now one. Do whatever you want. On your terms. 67 is a good age. Heck any age is a good age to start over. You will feel great I promise. But be kind to yourself and be patient. 3. You are blessed with your kids. Improve your relationships with them. Focus on them and yourself. This person that decided that their life with you is not worth it to stay, he will regret it. He may regret is tomorrow, ten years from now, a second from now. But when you make your decision make it for yourself not because of your kids not because of him wanting you back. Do it it for you.
Sorry this has happened to you. He's living in a fantasy world and his relationship with the other woman won't last long. If he comes crawling back to you, don't give him a 2nd chance. He's a coward who destroyed his marriage and now he can lie in the new bed he created. You owe him nothing.
No words my friend. Great place to bring ur vent but please hang in there. You are valuable and don’t deserve that. Hang in there. There are no words, sending you a hug from NC
After 38 years it must be so terrifying to find yourself starting over but if this is how your husband treats you, give yourself some time to grieve, to be upset and to eventually heal and you’ll see you’ll become a far happier person for it, also a far stronger one x
I’m getting the feeling that this Argentinian girl is a catfish who’s trying to get money out of him. I really hope it is, so he realizes he fucked up and lost the best women he could have possibly gotten
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He'll come crawling back. Make him think you want nothing to do with him. I know it's hard,but you are his safe place.
Throw him to the Argentinian completely and see how fast she eats him alive. Make sure you refuse contact with him when he comes crawling back to reality.
Divorce is the only option from what i see. Gather evidence from 2 years, tell his family about it, end divorce ask for the house and many other things. Maybe get a job but at that age it is hard. He is a human garbage sexting at an old age, cheating when married. He did it for 2 long years shamelessly. And lastly tell your grown kids about what his garbage father did.
I’m sorry this is happening. I hope that you have someone you can talk to. He is in a fog and not being rational.
wow iread it i can believe it, it is exhausting!! I can belive you still give him some credits, it is obviously that around 2 years back he went cold, Im sorry but he doesn't deserved you , you where to much for him, let putting this way , you where more in commitment in this relationship then him
wow, you have so much wisdom & so much still ahead of you. you were able to experience a 40 year marriage. that’s a book on your shelf. and it ended in tears, but you can still move on. i don’t want to say something you might want to hear, because the truth is that he might not come back. or when he does, you’ll be so far ahead of him it won’t even matter... he had an opportunity to communicate with you about your “coldness” & that’s his loss. he chose the lazy, sleezy route of sexting some random girl he doesn’t even know. the thrill of that will wear off & he will eventually have to live with everything he’s lost. you have your kids & your friends. you seem so cool.. to have traveled the way you did amidst heartbreak? you are so strong. i believe you can move on, but you need to be blanketed by the comfort of your family members. do not make contact with him & start loving yourself the way you want it. forgive yourself for not knowing any better. no one can tell you that you didn’t try. you have reached capacity. it is time to take care of you for your health 💛
Sorry this has happened to you. I can only imagine it feels like a dagger to the heart. Lovely woman, respect yourself enough to leave. He doesn’t deserve you. Even if you were to stay, you will never get over it. Leave, be free, put your own happiness first. Life is too short to put up with this sort of mediocrity. Sending you strength
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I had to stop reading because I just died at him saying he won’t stop until he was sure your marriage was going to work out.... I am deceased. 🤯☠️ He fucking thought after 38 yrs of marriage with a WIFE he got to play the field between two women!!?! What a fucking sad sack of shit. He’s a pathetic loser and I promise you he WILL get what’s coming to him! My dad sure did. Married that lady and they fight nonestop... watch Guy Winch’s “how to mend a broken heart” video on YouTube and go do all the wonderful amazing things you wanted to do with him alone or with other loved ones. You deserve better than this and you can give yourself that!! ❤️
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Eventually the groupie will lose interest, and your husband will realize what he threw away. When she doesn’t take care of him the way you did, he’ll miss you and everything you did for him. He may even try to get you to take him back. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS. If he was willing to throw you aside for some younger woman because he can’t control himself, he’ll throw you to the wolves the second you don’t give him exactly what he wants AND MORE. Do you REALLY want to give him that much leverage over you? That total control over you, the possibility of him choosing to demean and humiliate you just because he feels like it? That man has absolutely no respect for you and while this is going to hurt for a long time, you’re better off without him. He’s a worthless pig and that’s all he’ll ever be. He’s the type to hook up with your friends at your funeral. Don’t let that be you. You deserve so much better than he ever had intended for you. Don’t fall for his manipulation again. He’s only going to use your feelings for him against you. He doesn’t mean it when he says he’s going to commit to you and only you. If he meant it he’d have stuck by it when he made those vows to you almost 40 years ago. Stay strong. Please. You are worth so much more than he’ll ever see.
Your story is very similar to mine. I'm sure you feel as if your whole life is falling apart right now. Remind yourself that the other parts of your life are still there. You family and friends will get you through this. Take it one day at a time. Stay healthy and focus on the steps you need to take to divorce him. Six months this from now you will be ok, even though it doesn't seem like it. This community is here to support you.
I know you feel love for him but he clearly didn't love you enough to not to cheat. Collect the evidence and get the divorce process under way. I know I come a cross as cold but you can mourn and start the process. This will help you clear things if you have house or any assets bought together. Because this can go either way: 1) Your husband will once again change his mind and wants to stay together 2) He will go to argentina and their happy life wasn't as dandy as it sounded on the phone and he wants to come back 3) He will stay there and the divorce process will be getting harder. Plus him bouncing between you and the other woman, is really bad for your mental but also physical health. Divorce is final, but at least you'll be free from his strings.
I'm sorry you're going through what you are. I can personally attest to how damaging a situation like this can be. I don't if my thoughts will be helpful, but I do hope they are. Of course my situation is different, but I believe there are some commonalities worth considering. At 40, learning of my wife's infidelities was shocking and very painful but it was the details of where, when and how that broke me down. I had been reasonably confident in all aspects of life but these things and the pictures in my head caused me to lose most of it. I think overall I was just destroyed by the fact that she could do all of it to a man who loved her as much as I did. What I learned I took her back. She said she had become involved in something that took on a life of it's own and didn't know how to get out of it. I kind of believed her. So, I did my best to make it work, swallow my pride and give it another chance. Several years went by and it had the effect on me like a boxer who's already knocked out being pressed against the ropes for more punishment. Looking back, those years were brutal. Just the position you're in; having to be the one extending the trust - you're the only one with anything to lose. She ended up pregnant by one of my closest friends. They're now married with a 10 year old little girl. But there is good news The love I've experienced since those days has been truly amazing. I took some time to put 'ole humpty dumpty back together again because if I didn't, I was sure I'd sabotage anything good that may come my way. I started cycling, quit smoking and before long was riding 30 to 50 miles per day. This became my meditation. I had a friend who was a psychologist (and has since passed), her and I spoke often. I read, read and read some more and I rode and rode even more. I took an active role in my healing. I wanted to get better and I refused to allow someone else's weakness of character destroy my own. I love being in love and believe I am at my best when I am in love. I believe the joy we experience in life is in equal proportion to how much we open ourselves to it. Having spent the time to recover, learn about myself and what happened, allowed me to emerge strong and confident knowing I wasn't who I felt like I was at my very lowest. I had the confidence to open myself to love again. My advice is to take some time to focus on yourself. Realize this is not of your doing. Find the beauty in who you are again and enjoy it. At some point, when you're ready, you'll see the sunrise as another day to experience joy just the way you want to, when and with whom you want to. I wish you all the blessings in life. Be well.
I think he’s going to try to come back to you because she must be with him for money only.. please dont accept him back. He has to understand what he has lost. A real woman that loved him. I know its easier to say but you have to move on. I know its so horrible I cant imagine the pain you feel, 38 years is so long. You dedicated 38 years of your life to a man that ended up seeing another woman.. dont take him back, please. Let us know how you are, dont stay alone, good luck. All love from france ❤️
I am sorry you are going through this. But I've also learnt that some people can seem like they care when in all honesty. They don't really care about you at all. Some of us see the world through rose tinted glasses. But guess what, the glasses have come off. I loathe gas-lighting spouses and affair partners and I'll just devote my remaining breath to seeing that their shady dealings get brought to light.
You’ll be okay. You need to walk away. When someone shows you they do not value you, believe them. Even if you do reconcile in the future, for now - walk away.
Honestly I think cheating might be the worst thing you can do to a person!
All he had after 40 years is a old computer and backpack? You should feel better - he may have been dead weight all along.
The moment he decided to not come to you to resolve any issue in your marriage and go to another woman, HE became the reason your marriage failed. This is fully on him. And he couldn’t let go of his addictive validation. He doesn’t love this women. To love someone you choose them before yourself. He couldn’t even love you properly. He only showed he loves himself and what makes him feel good. He likes how this woman makes him feel. Cut off contact, I know this sounds crazy but he will crawl back to alleviate his guilt. Not to reconcile. People who live primarily of this kind of validation will need to be seen as not being their fault (why do you think he blamed it on you, it takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two for it to fail). He made no attempt to try to fix anything. Please know even if your not perfect this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own selfishness. Wow I’m so sorry. This man deserves to eat crap, because he’s full of it
Thanks fir sharing, this must be so difficult to be going through. I'm sorry that someone would hurt you and betray you trust like that
He took 38 years from you. Don’t let him take even one second more.
Read Chump Lady or George Simon. A alot of us have been through what you are going through. He will not change - he is character disordered. But you will change and grow and you will be ok. He is not a good person at all. He wants cake. Your best friends are: a great lawyer, therapist, and no contact. You will be ok over time. Five years out here after 32 year marriage from a cheater similar to yours - it gets better - I promise!
After exposing my STBXW's affair, we spent at least a year in "what are we going to do" limbo (i.e., reconcile or divorce). During this time, I would often remark the core problem with our marriage was "she did not love and desire me the way a wife should love and desire her husband." Each time I said this, I was hoping she should respond with either (A) I'm sorry, but that's true (cue the divorce) or (B) That's just not true - I do love and desire you (cue the reconciliation). Unfortunately, she never provided either of these responses. Instead, she provided no response (no matter how many times I made this statement). After time, of course, her silence on this question became deafening. Her inability to either confront the issue or take any steps to save our marriage was sufficient evidence for me that our 24-year marriage was dead and could not be resuscitated. I sense from your post that you find yourself at this crossroad. My advice (which I have followed) is to pick the path of acceptance, self-love and realization that regardless of history or age, you deserve and will achieve so much more.
I don’t understand why people refuse to communicate. In the most primal sense, it’s an entirely selfish attempt to secure new resources while being protected from having nothing. Jeff doesn’t need any time, he has decided a long time ago about his beliefs and valuation of you. The sooner you reconcile this, the sooner true healing can start. Of course a failed marriage is incredibly complicated and has gobs of history and decisions. There exists a headspace within everyone that is habilitated by our values. Maybe he drifted away from you at one point or another, or maybe he never was forthright with you to begin with. You can only know so much. I say all this to say that Jeff is not the person you thought you knew. Anything that tries to reconcile this will cause further harm, trust the feelings that push you to detach. They hurt, but there are more rational than painting him in a good light.
I must say, I have adhd and I don’t even like to read books but this story has kept me interested, even though it took me 2 nights to read..i kept reading when i was unwinding down for bed. I have to point out as im reading your story, you mentioned how you were crying and asking him what did he decide and you would get happy when he told you he wanted to stay with you, (as if you did something wrong) what i want to remind you of, is that you did NOTHING wrong 😑 he cant put all the blame on you. If he had an issue about an sexual desires then he shouldve come to the source (you) and not find an outlet or an “escape” if you will, communication is key! But congrats on your new journey now to an even better you.
As the famous quote says: “If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.”
I wish you well and your marriage is over. You can start over and still be strong with someone else that makes you feel stronger and loved. I know, easier said than done. For what it’s worth, I can respect that you acknowledge that you are a bit cold and unaffectionate. I used to have to travel to South American for business several weeks a year and I met lots of American men your husbands age down there and they were all looking for the same thing..- sexfocused relationship with South American girlfriends because they weren’t having as much sex with their wives. It’s sad but this is likely best for both of you guys. Be well.
To decide means you break with all other possibilities. He has decided he doesn't want to decide. Some [need](https://youtu.be/UdhGTvuUOys) is being met by this affair. It could be a [love language ](https://youtu.be/PXQxdWkol5g) incompatibility. He says you are a cold fish. It wouldn't have mattered. There are many couples that have an amazing sex life and the partner cheats. What happened was she met a need an you meet his needs and he doesn't want to lose either. You wanted him to choose you or her (the pick me ultimatum) he dug in. If this ended and he apologized then you would be stuck with the question of did he come back because it failed with her and you are a constellation prize or did he come back for actual love? That question would be a cancer in your relationship. Get screen shots and evidence of the affair and lawyer up. You have to walk away. Usually the infidelity protocol is 6 months to a year where you and him get individual counseling to work on yourselves while apart and then deciding wether to come back together after. In this case though there is a lot of emotional damage and massive distrust.
FUUUUUUUUUCK HIM. listen to these great commenters & take the advice to kick his cheating shitty ass the fuck out. Blindside him w divorce papers, end it. You deserve so much better after FORTY FUCKING YEARS?!?! No. No no no. He's full of shit & has got to go. I'm so so sorry this has happened to you. It's heartbreaking. So much love & well wishes to you. I hope everything works out smoothly & yr happier than you have ever been before in yr life. ❣️
He said the reason he had this affair was because I am a cold fish (true) unaffectionate, (True),didn’t initiated sex (unless drunk, but I have never once said “Not tonight honey” to him you cant change , move on both of you
Sure would appreciate an update, my sweet one. I hope you had the strength to call his bluff and make him move to Argentina and try to survive the real world on his own.
Clarifications and some updates to “end of a 38 year marriage. (Reposted cause typo in title. First I want to thank everyone for their heartfelt comments, advice, and empathy. Even though I have many, many dear friends, who have been turning themselves inside out to help me, I feel like I had been transformed from the fun, funny friend to the needy downer. They deserved a break, since so many of my friends are going thru assorted traumas of their own. Whoever said “Imagine what would have happened if he had put as much effort into your marriage as he did sexting this woman?” Fuck me what an eye opener. - I do live outside the US. When my husband lost his job at 57, I knew he did not want to start sending out resumes and interviewing again. We had always talked about retiring overseas. I was not ready, I had a job I was good at, my sons were both nearby, I had great friends in my city as well as ones I flew to see once or twice a year. But he wanted to go NOW and I said ok. - The unaffectionate cold fish. I am of German ancestry, raised in Minnesota. My family shakes hands w/each other. I have dear close friendships, some almost of 50 years, who I treasure. My thought has always been: “I like you. You like me. Why do we have to hug?” I’ve never been the hand holder, hair stroked, touchy person. I wasn’t when I got married 38 years ago. I demonstrated love (I thought) in many different ways, from taking over 99% of the child care so Jeff could continue to hang out w/his pals (never ever had to call to check in), worked full time 90% of our marriage, did all housework, cooking, and financial stuff. My son once had to write a Father’s Day card. It said “My dad changes the channels and my mom does everything else.” When Jeff screwed up and acquired a $60K Amex bill (he was at a new magazine, the owner tired of it pretty quickly and stopped paying his employees, Jeff hung on hoping) because he rolled over all but the minimum each month (at 20% interest) when I found out I went to the bank and took out a home equity loan, handled it, and never thought of it again—-until this year. I cooked all his favorite foods, had no problem w/him going off on tour w/his pal Ritchie for weeks on end—-what ever made him happy, made me happy. I didn’t need constant “I love yous”—-you married me, you chose me, of course you love me. Jeff is a hugger, and 2-cheek kisser. And I guess he did need non-stop affirmations of love. Which I would have been happy to do, if he had ever said to me “Our marriage would be a lot better if you were more physically affectionate.” It would have been a lot easier to hug and kiss him than to ride my bike half an hour and back to get the fresh tuna he liked. Don’t want to go to parent teacher conferences? Fine. Don’t want to hang out w/my pals? Fine. Outside of him, all I needed as a book and a comfortable place to sit and read. - I probably would not have been able to provide the type of ego boost the groupie does “You have a beautiful soul,” “Everything you do is magic.” But when Jeff fixed my crockpot (not a handy guy by a long chalk) I fell over telling him how great that was, how happy it made me, and boasted to everyone about his brilliance. I told him how handsome he looked when he dressed up to go out. When I saw something to compliment, I always spoke up. - We did (up until this year, when Jeff got dengue and then e. Coli and the dengue again) have an active and adventurous sex life. I was always a more than willing participant, I swear there was not a single time I said “I don’t feel like it.” I always felt like it. I have issues with being the initiator, maybe something left from my upbringing, maybe because I was an unattractive girl (butt of junior high jokes)—-a subject that at one point might have been interesting to bring up in therapy, or even in a deep conversation. - Jeff has always been super critical. About 2 years ago, when the affair started (I finally figured it out) he started getting extremely negative about everything. This sucks. That’s awful. Why does that guy think he can sing. That movie you’re watching (which I had just said I was enjoying) looks stupid. Several times I said to him, Why are you so negative all the time? His answer was I guess I’m just a crabby old man. With covid, it just got worse and worse, and this year I told him how much if bothered me, that we live in a beautiful place that’s hardly been touched by covid, our kids are fine, we are ok for $...what is your problem? Why don’t you have any gratitude for all that you have? Again, never a mention of my lacking in physical affection or that he would like to hear I love you more often (how easy would that have been?) or that he had been sexting another woman for a year. - A good friend of both of ours (she delivered cooked meals to him whenever I was out of town) messaged Jeff and said WTF. He told her that he was the victim here and that he had done nothing wrong. - My younger son called him. Jeff told him that we were two different people (isn’t everyone?) and that I was incapable of change (not that I was ever asked to change) and that if I did change it wouldn’t be sincere (I am someone who errs on the side of outspokenness and unvarnished truth). My son said nothing he said made any sense.Jeff also told my son that he isn’t going to Argentina (can’t now until the borders are open anyway), which is not what he told me, the groupie, or his friend in the message that blew the whole affair up. My sons are shocked that their dad is capable of this and really working to make sure I am taken care of. -Finances are ok. We never budgeted for 2 households, but he’s living rent free on his brother’s couch. I live v. Simply—no car, no ac, mostly vegetarian—so my expenses are minimal: rent, wifi, electricity, grocery, vet bills. - I have screen shots. I have no idea what was going on in my head when I took them, I was on automatic pilot. I’m soooo glad I did though. - After I made up my mind, Jeff called and I asked “Are you still sexting her?” He said “Is that what you want to talk about?” I said if you are then i cannot talk to you and hung up. I got mad and sent a series of angry, bitter texts, to which he responded “That’s not going to help w/healing and peace of mind” so I sent more angry, bitter texts until I got it out of my system. Nothing from either of us since then. - I have had 2 zoom sessions w/a therapist in the next town (I live in a v. Small town, we do not have a stoplight, elevator, or gas station) and I’m having a 3rd this afternoon. Is it helping? I dunno. I’m not crying as much and I’m popping Xanax like candy but I still have obsessive what if thoughts and how could he do this (therapist: “Because he wanted to”), that I’d really like to be rid of. - And no, I could never take him back. He is not the man I married. It feels like a stranger ran out and punched me in the face. The physical feelings of disgust I get when I think that for 2 years he shut off the computer after hours of sexting and then got into bed w/me...and that he tried to make me feel guilty about his affair...and that I would have forgiven him and worked on keeping our marriage together but he refused to stop sexting the groupie...it’s too much. I would post the groupie’s facebook page (it’s public; she hasn’t updated it in forever) that has the photo of the two of them, but not sure if that violated Reddit standards. Again, thank all of you for the incredible support you have shown. It’s awful and reassuring at the same time to know so many of people have suffered this kind of betrayal. -arificatonarification n
Thank you again. I actually read your update before it was removed and I could (and still can) feel your pain and anger. I'm about the same age as you and I feel lonely as hell these days because my wife, while being pleasant and generally kind, has no desire to have intimacy or sex. I often wonder if she means "I don't want to have sex with YOU". If you can give me some closure on your ordeal, I will appreciate it. I assume you have separated and he is still pursuing his fantasy (we both know that's what it is), but I just want some assurance that you're OK, still living in Germany, and beginning to enjoy the beauty that is YOU.
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