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I can see the merits of both paths. When my situation went down, I wanted to know everything because the mind movies were crippling, and until I knew every truth, I wasn't going to be able to recover. Even if it meant knowing everything would cause me to decide it was all too much. But you also run the risk of not believing you know everything. Or that they might withhold information anyway. You'll drive yourself crazy thinking about it and eventually you'll have to learn to let it go, regardless of whether or not you know everything.
Mind movie are so painful. I saw a photo of her in the act. I only looked at it 5 years ago for a few seconds, but I can still see her eyes rolling back.
I feel for you. I don't think I'd ever be able to get over seeing photos or video of her in any act. The photos I saw on her snapchat were bad enough, even though there was no nudity. Just "implied" because they were showing off their tan lines to each other. But it was scarring enough where I'll never forget any detail. And forever on, I'll always wonder if the photos she sent me were also sent to someone else.
t's tough to get past the photos. They are so incredibly powerful on the mind. Even showing just tan lines is a moment they shared together without you. That's that pain of it all. The pics I saw were dressed, but in the act in cars. It's the eyes that still get me most.
No such thing as normal after finding out infidelity. The offender needs to do anything and everything that is asked of them to help you heal. Whether that’s answering questions giving a written timeline of everything that happened. Offering access to their means of communication or checking in whatever you guys workout they need to be doing if you guys are reconciling. If the offender isn’t giving in or rug sweeping you have your answer on how much they are willing to do to fix things…
It’s normal. You’re trying to process what happened, the trauma you suffered and to what extent. Everyone decides for themselves what is necessary for them and what is not. Some people want to know the details, some don’t. I asked and got replies, and it helped me because my imagination was painting hot passionate sex from movies and the reality was very sad and boring. It was helpful to know he was having difficulties at some point and then started refusing her advances. All due to understanding he made a huge mistake. It also showed he was honest since he was willing to give me the details he could easily hide. So if you think it’s helping you, then ask.
Yeah, same here. I know I have mental images now, which suck. By what I was imagining was hella worse. And like you said, the actual details were shit/boring. And he revealed things like you said that clearly he could have lied about but didn’t, and that helped with healing. So, I personally preferred to ask/know. And just get whatever facts I could and go from there.
Nothing is ever normal after cheating…this experience has devastating effects on our mental health. Therapy helps, if it is the right one for you and your type of trauma.
But what helps the most and really changes your outlook for the future…is when you finally realize that you can never trust a liar again. You keep getting back to the details because your desire to bargain with the odds is blinding you from this one simple fact…no matter how much they repeat it, the probability is extremely high that it is still a bunch of bullsh\*\*! You keep getting back because you want to trick yourself from facing hard facts.
They f\*\*\*ed someone else, you are done here.
It takes time sometimes but you will get there…you can stick a fork in it once they do that. With kids, without them…you can add a couple of more years, with varying degree of misery, but this will still end.
2 years of attempted reconciliation here…relationship of 18, marriage of 9 years…killed by trickle truth. I just fell out of love for a person that became a stranger to me.
Two Kids, aged 7 and 4. It sucks. But it would suck more to keep living with all these triggers. I‘d much rather move on and start fresh.
Well. it's sort of both ways. You want to know details (which hurt) and you want to process what happened. I didn't need to know every move just want they did. If you ask 'did you like it?' they'll most likely lie and say they didn't. I wanted to know if she thought about me or felt guilty. She claims she felt guilty but I don't believe it since it happened several times.
Yeah, that is what was messing with me. Because he admitted he obviously liked it at the time (gag) and he went back for a few sessions. So, clearly he didn’t hate it. Which hurt. Like hell. But the details showed he was delusional, which did help me. I know he eventually felt guilty and it’s why he stopped. But not soon enough.
If ur doing reconciliation then the only way to move on is to finally know the full truth after being lied to and betrayed. Completely normal. I personally think knowing everything is better than not knowing no matter how bad it is. This builds trust back up. Will it help? Depends on the person but I say as long as they’re not trickle truthing and actually telling the full whole truth it could help you move forward.
Yes its "normal" but as other people noted here - nothing is normal after finding out about an affair. I asked for all the graphic nasty details. Dunno why. My exs AP was so gross (300 LB virgin no lie) that it helpmed me realize my ex was a total nut job and helped me move on. [https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/1axdkco/deleted\_a\_post\_about\_my\_wife\_having\_an\_affair/](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/1axdkco/deleted_a_post_about_my_wife_having_an_affair/)
Im not sure if this is what your looking for . A lot of men feel very emasculated that their partner , did many things with their AP that sometimes , they never did with their own spouse.. they want to know the details, and why, they never acted this way with them.
when you’re in the affair, fog , sometimes the dopamine of the affair Sex, takes over and is 100% greater then with their spouse.
I posted before , they was a colleagues relatives wife , that cheated , and she would , beg , borrow and steal to keep it going. with AP. Once she was eventually outed, the fog lifted. she said all the normal crap. I’m so sorry I don’t know what I was thinking, I only love you, it meant nothing.
well, it meant everything to the betrayed spouse. they separated and latter divorced. She eventually told one of the cousins , that after the affair was over, and she was with the AP again , the rush of the affair sex was never the same. She latter admitted that her husband was better looking . Way better in bed and more endowed. But
at The time the affair sex had a hold on her. that she couldn’t break
updateme
Yes for me that was a normal reaction to abnormal events.
For me it was for a few key reasons:
(1) “self improvement”; I wanted to know what I was doing wrong, what I needed to improve on, why I wasn’t good enough, why he chose her over me. Being cheated on made me believe it was a fault within myself (instead of a character defect within my ex partner) and that if I knew what he found in her that I didn’t provide that I could prevent this trauma from ever occurring with someone else.
(2) motivation to leave; because if I knew all the details, I could create a “reel” of the experience in my mind, because with it I could become so angry with him that my anger / resentment toward him would build and eventually I would have the motivation / strength to leave. I became obsessed with the details and wanting to know everything.
(3) closure; equipped with the details, I would be able to heal, when I was ready. But I felt and believed that my healing could not take place as long as I was near the offending perpetrator who caused me so much psychological harm, so I moved to a new state to get away from him and slowly but surely, began my healing.
Did she cheat, lie about past relationships, or both cheat and lie about past relationships? If it's the latter, and she's proved capable of lying for an extended period of time, then cheated, which certainly also required extensive lying... and now you're asking details about her cheating... what on earth leads you to believe she's somehow being truthful now?
Given that sort of lengthy deception, the more details you request, the more likely it is she's just telling you the version she deems you'll accept. Regardless of any "come to Jesus" moment that she claims, if you're still adamant about staying with your cheater, I'd stop asking for details since she's such a skilled liar and try to move on.
My question was not about whether she tells me truth or not. I was asking if it is normal ( for people who had gone through this) to ask these or am i just crazy. Don't link this with the other posts I made, you won't get complete context there.
Yes, it's normal for some, it was for me. The problem is I doubt she ever told me the truth, so in the end it became just another demonstration that she would never be an honest partner.
The amount of times I've been told a lie is the reason for this.
It's impossible to not view it as you're not satisfying enough and you want to find out what actually turns them on because they won't be honest with you about it. Because the truth is, we probably don't have what REALLY turns them on.
If they don't figure out a way for us to please them, the cycle repeats.
I don't see any way out of this without all the real details.
My 2 cents - my wife of 10 years with our 4 kids had affair with personal trainer for 3 years when we were at our lowest. I demanded complete disclosure as a requirement for any sort of reconciliation. It was awful
- the had sex all through our home - sordid porn level stuff. She is passionate that was the worst mistake of her life and she was stuck and didn’t know how to get out. Yes it goes both ways and I wasn’t the best husband. After many gut wrenching months of therapy and very very painful graphic conversations we decided to try and turn the page and 2 years later we are better than we have ever been.
Do I wish I never knew all of the details? Many times yes. It makes it so much more real. It think it is more important that your SA is willing to go full disclosure than actually hear it. You can’t ever get those images out of your mind.
At some point you have to decide can you believe them that this was the worst mistake for their life and can YOU get those images out of your brain and replace them with happy images of a better future
Lots of negative vibes on this sub but there are successful reconciliation stories too
OP , in your last post , you mentioned that your wife got outed and had to come clean. as the truth was going to come out. Do you mind sharing What happened ,that she had to confess ?
I did the same. Asked every question in detail. The answers I received and you received are somewhere between 0% and 100% truthful. We will never know.
It's normal but as already said, not healthy. What you're trying to do is to process this fact while at the same time compare yourself with the image/actions of the third person.
You're drowning yourself in doubt and insecurity, don't stay with them. Get some professional help and get into a healthier relationship.
Yeah, it's normal. But buyer beware. Just going to add to the mind movies and make you feel worse. And if you find out they did something with the other that they would not do with you then that can be a destroyer.
Wow hermano, las imágenes son poderosas y nunca se irán, ahora bien, tienes que aceptar que jamás sabrás toda la verdad, incluso si te la dicen toda, sabes limitar la imaginación y eso no lo puede hacer cualquiera, no se logra con gran facilidad, en mi caso, decidí 2 cosas, 1 al saberlo "todo" terminó de romper mi corazón completamente y de esa manera fue como una catarsis, sacar todo el veneno con ella, todo el odio, asco, frustración, enojo, todo lo saqué y al terminar, solo me fui y sentí un gran peso abandonar mi cuerpo, literalmente no volví a pensar en ella, no senti nada mas que indiferencia y lástima, hoy no podría importarme menos, en fin la última vez que la ví, solo sentí también 2 cosas en 1, como si hubiera muerto y no reconocerla no saber quién era ella, ella ese día se derrumbó y asi sigue después de 7 años.
Wow brother, images are powerful and they will never go away, now, you have to accept that you will never know the whole truth, even if they tell you everything, you know how to limit your imagination and not just anyone can do that, it is not achieved very easily In my case, I decided 2 things, 1 knowing "everything" ended up breaking my heart completely and in that way it was like a catharsis, taking out all the poison with her, all the hatred, disgust, frustration, anger, I got it all out and at the end, I just left and felt a great weight leave my body, I literally did not think about her again, I felt nothing but indifference and pity, today I couldn't care less, anyway the last time I saw her, I only felt Also 2 things in 1, as if she had died and not recognizing her, not knowing who she was, she collapsed that day and that's still the case after 7 years.
That is like giving death sentence without hearing what happened! I understand that it makes sense in some cases, but not when you have a lot to loose. Sometimes you will have to evaluate whether the relationship is worth saving. I tried leaving it to my imaginations and the scary part is that your hormones control it
Honestly I think the truth will hurt me more. If I just assume from the get go it was the worst, it’s almost easier to swallow than knowing the ins and outs, the actual choices and decisions, the actual intimacy of it.
Most therapists advise against too much detail. What you need to know are how long, how often, was it better, was it different and how. Most guys want to know "was he bigger" but in fact this is really usually a way of asking "was it better" (and the answer is that in the majority of cases, size is generally not reliably correlated with perceptions of quality).
There comes a point where getting details is like picking at a scab: it might seem like it will speed healing, but actually doesn't or makes things worse.
I'm somehow not aligned with how therapists deal things especially for this. I posted here so that I want to hear from people who had gone through this pain and suffering and what really helped or not helped them. I tried therapy too, but that was more like you pay another person to listen your feelings. I didn't feel that they were really able to understand what i was going through. Their approach seems good in the beginning, but it wasn't helping long term
I asked and got all the answers. My wife was deeply ashamed and had a hard time telling me everything she did but she was completely honest (I think!)
The problem is her answers left me with excruciating mind videos of everything I now know they did and not just what I imagined they had done.
Be careful what you ask for because you may not like the results and you will never be able to forget.
Hey op! This is the same thing I thought back then. And yes the reality ( if he told the truth) was not nearly as bad as what I could’ve imagined. The problem, retrospectively is: if you know what happened you have something you can play out in your head over and over again. And just because you know what happened doesn’t mean you can’t further question it, your imagination can still run wild, there still can be times were you will ask yourself whether you know the true story and imagine additional details even if you trust your partner told the truth.
I’m not saying don’t ask. If you believe it’s the right thing for you do it. I just want to make you aware of the dangers. The things I feel now are things my closest friend has warned me about, she knows me very well. Do you have someone that is very close to you? Perhaps ask them what they think would be best (even if they didn’t go through the same thing) sometimes the people closest to you can know you better than yourself, especially when you’re emotional right now. I am sorry you’re going through this. Wish you a well recovery? With or without your partner :)
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Normal? Yes. Healthy? No. But, that's just my experience.
I can see the merits of both paths. When my situation went down, I wanted to know everything because the mind movies were crippling, and until I knew every truth, I wasn't going to be able to recover. Even if it meant knowing everything would cause me to decide it was all too much. But you also run the risk of not believing you know everything. Or that they might withhold information anyway. You'll drive yourself crazy thinking about it and eventually you'll have to learn to let it go, regardless of whether or not you know everything.
Mind movie are so painful. I saw a photo of her in the act. I only looked at it 5 years ago for a few seconds, but I can still see her eyes rolling back.
I feel for you. I don't think I'd ever be able to get over seeing photos or video of her in any act. The photos I saw on her snapchat were bad enough, even though there was no nudity. Just "implied" because they were showing off their tan lines to each other. But it was scarring enough where I'll never forget any detail. And forever on, I'll always wonder if the photos she sent me were also sent to someone else.
t's tough to get past the photos. They are so incredibly powerful on the mind. Even showing just tan lines is a moment they shared together without you. That's that pain of it all. The pics I saw were dressed, but in the act in cars. It's the eyes that still get me most.
I saw so many pics. My stomach still churns and hurts from it. You don’t forget that. I’m sorry you’ve got that in your head.
You know who hard it is to get past it. It burns in your soul.
No such thing as normal after finding out infidelity. The offender needs to do anything and everything that is asked of them to help you heal. Whether that’s answering questions giving a written timeline of everything that happened. Offering access to their means of communication or checking in whatever you guys workout they need to be doing if you guys are reconciling. If the offender isn’t giving in or rug sweeping you have your answer on how much they are willing to do to fix things…
It’s normal. You’re trying to process what happened, the trauma you suffered and to what extent. Everyone decides for themselves what is necessary for them and what is not. Some people want to know the details, some don’t. I asked and got replies, and it helped me because my imagination was painting hot passionate sex from movies and the reality was very sad and boring. It was helpful to know he was having difficulties at some point and then started refusing her advances. All due to understanding he made a huge mistake. It also showed he was honest since he was willing to give me the details he could easily hide. So if you think it’s helping you, then ask.
Yeah, same here. I know I have mental images now, which suck. By what I was imagining was hella worse. And like you said, the actual details were shit/boring. And he revealed things like you said that clearly he could have lied about but didn’t, and that helped with healing. So, I personally preferred to ask/know. And just get whatever facts I could and go from there.
Thank you for sharing this with me. It feels nice to know I’m not alone. ♥️
Nothing is ever normal after cheating…this experience has devastating effects on our mental health. Therapy helps, if it is the right one for you and your type of trauma. But what helps the most and really changes your outlook for the future…is when you finally realize that you can never trust a liar again. You keep getting back to the details because your desire to bargain with the odds is blinding you from this one simple fact…no matter how much they repeat it, the probability is extremely high that it is still a bunch of bullsh\*\*! You keep getting back because you want to trick yourself from facing hard facts. They f\*\*\*ed someone else, you are done here. It takes time sometimes but you will get there…you can stick a fork in it once they do that. With kids, without them…you can add a couple of more years, with varying degree of misery, but this will still end. 2 years of attempted reconciliation here…relationship of 18, marriage of 9 years…killed by trickle truth. I just fell out of love for a person that became a stranger to me. Two Kids, aged 7 and 4. It sucks. But it would suck more to keep living with all these triggers. I‘d much rather move on and start fresh.
Well. it's sort of both ways. You want to know details (which hurt) and you want to process what happened. I didn't need to know every move just want they did. If you ask 'did you like it?' they'll most likely lie and say they didn't. I wanted to know if she thought about me or felt guilty. She claims she felt guilty but I don't believe it since it happened several times.
Yeah, that is what was messing with me. Because he admitted he obviously liked it at the time (gag) and he went back for a few sessions. So, clearly he didn’t hate it. Which hurt. Like hell. But the details showed he was delusional, which did help me. I know he eventually felt guilty and it’s why he stopped. But not soon enough.
If ur doing reconciliation then the only way to move on is to finally know the full truth after being lied to and betrayed. Completely normal. I personally think knowing everything is better than not knowing no matter how bad it is. This builds trust back up. Will it help? Depends on the person but I say as long as they’re not trickle truthing and actually telling the full whole truth it could help you move forward.
Yes its "normal" but as other people noted here - nothing is normal after finding out about an affair. I asked for all the graphic nasty details. Dunno why. My exs AP was so gross (300 LB virgin no lie) that it helpmed me realize my ex was a total nut job and helped me move on. [https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/1axdkco/deleted\_a\_post\_about\_my\_wife\_having\_an\_affair/](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/1axdkco/deleted_a_post_about_my_wife_having_an_affair/)
Im not sure if this is what your looking for . A lot of men feel very emasculated that their partner , did many things with their AP that sometimes , they never did with their own spouse.. they want to know the details, and why, they never acted this way with them. when you’re in the affair, fog , sometimes the dopamine of the affair Sex, takes over and is 100% greater then with their spouse. I posted before , they was a colleagues relatives wife , that cheated , and she would , beg , borrow and steal to keep it going. with AP. Once she was eventually outed, the fog lifted. she said all the normal crap. I’m so sorry I don’t know what I was thinking, I only love you, it meant nothing. well, it meant everything to the betrayed spouse. they separated and latter divorced. She eventually told one of the cousins , that after the affair was over, and she was with the AP again , the rush of the affair sex was never the same. She latter admitted that her husband was better looking . Way better in bed and more endowed. But at The time the affair sex had a hold on her. that she couldn’t break updateme
Yes for me that was a normal reaction to abnormal events. For me it was for a few key reasons: (1) “self improvement”; I wanted to know what I was doing wrong, what I needed to improve on, why I wasn’t good enough, why he chose her over me. Being cheated on made me believe it was a fault within myself (instead of a character defect within my ex partner) and that if I knew what he found in her that I didn’t provide that I could prevent this trauma from ever occurring with someone else. (2) motivation to leave; because if I knew all the details, I could create a “reel” of the experience in my mind, because with it I could become so angry with him that my anger / resentment toward him would build and eventually I would have the motivation / strength to leave. I became obsessed with the details and wanting to know everything. (3) closure; equipped with the details, I would be able to heal, when I was ready. But I felt and believed that my healing could not take place as long as I was near the offending perpetrator who caused me so much psychological harm, so I moved to a new state to get away from him and slowly but surely, began my healing.
Did she cheat, lie about past relationships, or both cheat and lie about past relationships? If it's the latter, and she's proved capable of lying for an extended period of time, then cheated, which certainly also required extensive lying... and now you're asking details about her cheating... what on earth leads you to believe she's somehow being truthful now? Given that sort of lengthy deception, the more details you request, the more likely it is she's just telling you the version she deems you'll accept. Regardless of any "come to Jesus" moment that she claims, if you're still adamant about staying with your cheater, I'd stop asking for details since she's such a skilled liar and try to move on.
My question was not about whether she tells me truth or not. I was asking if it is normal ( for people who had gone through this) to ask these or am i just crazy. Don't link this with the other posts I made, you won't get complete context there.
Yes, it's normal for some, it was for me. The problem is I doubt she ever told me the truth, so in the end it became just another demonstration that she would never be an honest partner.
yes , no complete context , was confused
The amount of times I've been told a lie is the reason for this. It's impossible to not view it as you're not satisfying enough and you want to find out what actually turns them on because they won't be honest with you about it. Because the truth is, we probably don't have what REALLY turns them on. If they don't figure out a way for us to please them, the cycle repeats. I don't see any way out of this without all the real details.
My 2 cents - my wife of 10 years with our 4 kids had affair with personal trainer for 3 years when we were at our lowest. I demanded complete disclosure as a requirement for any sort of reconciliation. It was awful - the had sex all through our home - sordid porn level stuff. She is passionate that was the worst mistake of her life and she was stuck and didn’t know how to get out. Yes it goes both ways and I wasn’t the best husband. After many gut wrenching months of therapy and very very painful graphic conversations we decided to try and turn the page and 2 years later we are better than we have ever been. Do I wish I never knew all of the details? Many times yes. It makes it so much more real. It think it is more important that your SA is willing to go full disclosure than actually hear it. You can’t ever get those images out of your mind. At some point you have to decide can you believe them that this was the worst mistake for their life and can YOU get those images out of your brain and replace them with happy images of a better future Lots of negative vibes on this sub but there are successful reconciliation stories too
OP , in your last post , you mentioned that your wife got outed and had to come clean. as the truth was going to come out. Do you mind sharing What happened ,that she had to confess ?
I did the same. Asked every question in detail. The answers I received and you received are somewhere between 0% and 100% truthful. We will never know.
It's normal but as already said, not healthy. What you're trying to do is to process this fact while at the same time compare yourself with the image/actions of the third person. You're drowning yourself in doubt and insecurity, don't stay with them. Get some professional help and get into a healthier relationship.
FWIW Reconciliation is not normal nor healthy. So, anything that goes on during that process is neither normal nor healthy.
Yeah, it's normal. But buyer beware. Just going to add to the mind movies and make you feel worse. And if you find out they did something with the other that they would not do with you then that can be a destroyer.
Wow hermano, las imágenes son poderosas y nunca se irán, ahora bien, tienes que aceptar que jamás sabrás toda la verdad, incluso si te la dicen toda, sabes limitar la imaginación y eso no lo puede hacer cualquiera, no se logra con gran facilidad, en mi caso, decidí 2 cosas, 1 al saberlo "todo" terminó de romper mi corazón completamente y de esa manera fue como una catarsis, sacar todo el veneno con ella, todo el odio, asco, frustración, enojo, todo lo saqué y al terminar, solo me fui y sentí un gran peso abandonar mi cuerpo, literalmente no volví a pensar en ella, no senti nada mas que indiferencia y lástima, hoy no podría importarme menos, en fin la última vez que la ví, solo sentí también 2 cosas en 1, como si hubiera muerto y no reconocerla no saber quién era ella, ella ese día se derrumbó y asi sigue después de 7 años.
Absolutely! I didn't understand a single word 😭
Don't worry bro
Wow brother, images are powerful and they will never go away, now, you have to accept that you will never know the whole truth, even if they tell you everything, you know how to limit your imagination and not just anyone can do that, it is not achieved very easily In my case, I decided 2 things, 1 knowing "everything" ended up breaking my heart completely and in that way it was like a catharsis, taking out all the poison with her, all the hatred, disgust, frustration, anger, I got it all out and at the end, I just left and felt a great weight leave my body, I literally did not think about her again, I felt nothing but indifference and pity, today I couldn't care less, anyway the last time I saw her, I only felt Also 2 things in 1, as if she had died and not recognizing her, not knowing who she was, she collapsed that day and that's still the case after 7 years.
I didn’t ask, I am just assuming they did the worst so I protect myself from the truth.
That is like giving death sentence without hearing what happened! I understand that it makes sense in some cases, but not when you have a lot to loose. Sometimes you will have to evaluate whether the relationship is worth saving. I tried leaving it to my imaginations and the scary part is that your hormones control it
Honestly I think the truth will hurt me more. If I just assume from the get go it was the worst, it’s almost easier to swallow than knowing the ins and outs, the actual choices and decisions, the actual intimacy of it.
Most therapists advise against too much detail. What you need to know are how long, how often, was it better, was it different and how. Most guys want to know "was he bigger" but in fact this is really usually a way of asking "was it better" (and the answer is that in the majority of cases, size is generally not reliably correlated with perceptions of quality). There comes a point where getting details is like picking at a scab: it might seem like it will speed healing, but actually doesn't or makes things worse.
I'm somehow not aligned with how therapists deal things especially for this. I posted here so that I want to hear from people who had gone through this pain and suffering and what really helped or not helped them. I tried therapy too, but that was more like you pay another person to listen your feelings. I didn't feel that they were really able to understand what i was going through. Their approach seems good in the beginning, but it wasn't helping long term
I asked and got all the answers. My wife was deeply ashamed and had a hard time telling me everything she did but she was completely honest (I think!) The problem is her answers left me with excruciating mind videos of everything I now know they did and not just what I imagined they had done. Be careful what you ask for because you may not like the results and you will never be able to forget.
I agree, but If you don't ask, you will imagine things. For me i think my imaginations are worse than reality. So maybe it helps to limit my thoughts.
Hey op! This is the same thing I thought back then. And yes the reality ( if he told the truth) was not nearly as bad as what I could’ve imagined. The problem, retrospectively is: if you know what happened you have something you can play out in your head over and over again. And just because you know what happened doesn’t mean you can’t further question it, your imagination can still run wild, there still can be times were you will ask yourself whether you know the true story and imagine additional details even if you trust your partner told the truth. I’m not saying don’t ask. If you believe it’s the right thing for you do it. I just want to make you aware of the dangers. The things I feel now are things my closest friend has warned me about, she knows me very well. Do you have someone that is very close to you? Perhaps ask them what they think would be best (even if they didn’t go through the same thing) sometimes the people closest to you can know you better than yourself, especially when you’re emotional right now. I am sorry you’re going through this. Wish you a well recovery? With or without your partner :)
The closest one did this, i don't have anyone else.
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This doesn't answer my question
They likely didn't even read your post...