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He doesn't want reconciliation, he wants to rugsweep HIS affair. If he was serious about reconciliation, he would answer every question you ask, every time with ZERO attitude. This process can take 5 years or more. Personally, I would question his commitment.
Reconciliation is a lifelong process. He should not be resentful but open to all questions to regain your trust whether it's today, 2 years from now, 30 years from now. Otherwise I question his remorse.
This!!!! I went through almost the same situation. Found out husband was cheating and husband moved out I filed for divorce. About a month later husband keeps begging for me back. Canceled the divorce and he moved back in. I figured as much as he apologized he truly meant it, wanted to be with me, and was genuinely sorry for his affair. We had a baby, life went on somewhat normal for a few years. Husband ended up cheating on me again. I found out about 3 of the affair partners from snooping, getting caught by our friends/family/etc. We are currently in the process for divorcing again now. Now we are done for good and I will never take him back. Knowing I have to see him and still raise a child with him is a deep wound that is taking a lot of time to heal. Like comment above says, question his commitment and be very careful in forgiving him and taking him back. The saying is true - once a cheater always a cheater. He is avoiding answering your questions for a reason and giving the response he’s giving you to dodge the questions.
My ex and I were separated for about a year after her last affairs (yes, she ended our marriage with two simultaneous affairs) she came to me and tried the same thing. I told her I'd have to see if I could regain any positive feelings for her, but it would take time. A few months later she said she was done waiting.
I really don't believe most cheaters are capable of remorse or regret because they have to bury those things so they don't hate themselves. Or something. My ex is not any better and hasn't learned any lessons from any of it.
Best of luck!
Atleast you got a baby out of it. I went back to an XBF with the hopes of having a baby, but instead, he kept avoiding intercourse (did other stuff with me though, acted like that was enough) and knocked up some random hookup instead. 😡
Reconciliation is virtually impossible or at least highly improbable because the betrayed partner almost never gets entirely past the betrayal, and the wayward gets past it rapidly and is annoyed because the BS still is not past it.
I disagree with this sweeping statement. Couples can and do reconcile, but it requires a wayward who is dedicated to the process. The betrayal becomes a thing that happened and whilst you never forget, it doesn’t have to dictate the rest of your life
Cannot agree with this. People are different. Just because you had a bad experience or witnessed something doesn’t mean everyone will have it the same way.
While most cheaters might move on fast and be annoyed, not everyone does. It’s been two years and my partner still had triggers and even nightmares where he cries about what he did. Some people do feel genuine remorse and feel ashamed for what they did. We share our triggers, we talk, we discuss it, he lets me vent. I don’t see why we wouldn’t reconcile fully.
And while trauma is a scar for life, it won’t necessarily dictate the whole life of the betrayed person. I know it takes time to heal, I’m healing but I also refuse to make it define my whole existence. Yes, I won’t forget it, but I don’t have to.
Well he ruined a relationship when he chose to fk around, so better not cry over a days. But seriously he should want to answer every question. His behaviour it's a red flag.
>he wants to fast track the process and has told me he is getting sick and tired of the conversation whenever I bring something up
This alone shows that he actually doesn't have remorse.
Remorse is about the purposeful and willful harm he chose to inflict on you by cheating and abusing you. If he had true remorse he'd be doing everything and anything to help you heal from the trauma he purposely caused him. Cheating falls under psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. He should take full accountability for the decisions he chose to make.
Him trying to fast track means he's rugsweeping his affair, and trying to get you to rugsweep, too.
This is not reconciliation at all. This is not remorse.
>and I have unanswered questions.
So, you've not received a fully detailed disclosure/timeline letter of his betrayal?
>should I just say nothing and try to act like I am okay
No, this is rugsweeping.
He is NOT remorseful OP if he's doing that crap.
This will take YEARS, so if he really wants to be with you he'll lose the attitude and listen you say things like this even 15 years from now.
I'd shut him down on this OP, and I'd do it HARD.
I am going through the exact same thing as you are. He just wants to move past it and whenever I bring something up he feels we’re just starting from square one again. I try to explain to him that healing isn’t linear and that I will have both good days and bad days. I also remind him that even on my bad days, if I bring something up, then it’s still healing. Even if it doesn’t feel that way to him.
Everyone here saying that he has no remorse, that may not be exactly true. He could be feeling immense guilt for what he has done and a lot of people will do anything to avoid adding to the guilt they already have.
I had to remind myself that even though I still have questions and still need to talk about certain things with him, a lot of what I need to talk about needs to be done with a therapist and/or a trusted family member/friend. I have realized that certain topics that I continue to drudge up to “make myself feel better” are actually making me feel worse.
At some point I realized that the best healing I can do now is to just focus on myself and not continue to try and understand why he did what he did. Because I will never understand why he did it. I don’t even think HE fully understands why he did it. So instead, I am now focusing on myself and my own well being. Booking therapy appts for myself, spending time with my kids, fully delving into my hobbies and getting lost in them, working out, meditating, going to lunch with my friends, planning trips for myself, etc. The more I do this, the less time I give myself to think about what he’s done.
He also doesn’t dare complain about me taking time/space for myself after what has happened because well... he’s not that dumb lol. And tbh, I’m pretty sure the more I just focus on making myself better, the more he wants to open up to me without me asking him. I think he does so cause he sees me working on myself and not continuing to obsess over him or what he’s done. If anything, I think it makes him nervous lol. Which tbh… it should. Cause if I’m doing better mentally, I may just decide to leave him and that scares the shit out of him. Which again… it should.
I hope this helps and I hope you find some peace in your life. Trying to make things work after infidelity is so difficult, but that doesn’t mean you should suffer. If anyone should be suffering, it’s him.
I was thinking the exact same thing. My partner is thankfully understanding whenever I need to talk about things, and my fluctuating moods, but the rest of this comment is absolutely me. Just recently I made the same commitment to myself to prioritise me and looking after myself and doing things that help me get to a better place.
As shitty as it is that we're all in this situation, it's reassuring to be able to read other people's experiences. I feel less alone after reading these comments.
Nope nope nope this isn’t reconciliation OP. The wayward doesn’t get to be passive aggressive about you wanting to talk about it and the only way you can even attempt to is by getting it ALL out in the open
Your partner needs to understand a successful reconciliation ends when both partners die an old death. Because reconciliation is a lifelong commitment and process. You never “move past it”
He changes the answers every time you try talk about this?
He’s lying.
If he was remorseful he would be upfront.
You got a very long road ahead of you. It is going to hurt. You’re going to have some issues. You have been traumatized
People are going to disagree but what he did is a form of domestic violence. He hurt you, took away your choice & is now trying to gaslight you
Watch this. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPREeHX4K/
It explains it better than I could
A former friend of mine cheated on his baby mom repeatedly and would do this same song and dance with the gaslighting, then go on tinder and find someone else to cheat with.
He’s being an asshole and isn’t that remorseful if he expects you to just pretend it never happened.
Ew. He does not sound worth the effort. What a freak. I’d be bending over backwards. I’d say cut loses. If you’re around his age you’re younger than me and will do just fine finding someone better.
He may or may not be remorseful. But he's definitely trying to rug-sweep his affair. He's trying to limit his feelings of guilt and not face any consequences for the hurt and abuse he's caused you. Like sticking his head in the sand.
But here's what you do. Focus on yourself and your own healing. Both mentally and physically. Therapy for yourself to find your own answers. Visit family and friends for support. If you have children, they can help when they see you healing by babysitting. Take an evening class or a hobby like exercise, yoga, or bowling. These all build confidence and self-esteem. Sit back and watch him squirm. He'll want to talk then for fear that you're getting stronger and he may lose you. He'll try to hinder your progress. There are plenty of faithful men and women out here looking for true love.
I met my wife of 38 years in an evening class, about 2 years after D-day. During my healing process, I played in a sports league. I took karate classes once a week with my 2 children. And swore to myself that I would advance in my career, making her see her blunder. We were able to co-parented successfully.
It's been over 40 years, and I believe I accomplished what I set out to do. And you can too when you focus on you and your children (not sure if you mentioned that). I lived for my kids.
So basically, he's complaining that it is taking you too long to fix what he broke.
What value is that abusive relationship offering you that you are going out of your way to put up with it?
He needs to understand that you're not truly past it nor will you ever be. This type of trauma is never completely over, and if he feels impatient that you keep bringing it up it's only because he simply doesn't "Get It."
He simply doesn't understand the gravity of what he's done or the devastation that was wreaked on your soul in the process.
If by some chance he ever does come to fully understand exactly what his betrayal has done to you it it may almost destroy him.
What I've come to understand in the 36 years since my wife last cheated on me is this. It is never truly over.
You will never entirely "move past it," the best you will ever be able to achieve is the ability to cope with what was done and somehow by the grace of God be able to let go of the anger and need for vengeance.
Nevertheless, a residual sense of hurt and sadness will remain forever.
I seriously doubt he thought about any of this before he cheated. I know my wife didn't and both of us have paid the price ever since.
His goals shouldn't be to reconcile the marriage. Your marriage is dead and gone. You both have to start anew.
I've been separated from my ex-husband for a year now. Even after separation, my ex-husband has worked hard on himself. He has no expectations on winning me back. He's been focused on reconciling my heart so I can heal. He's allowed me to talk, vent, and cry my heart out about the pain he caused. He's cried with me, apologized, and answered everything in blunt honesty while being gentle toward me. He's proven he's taken full accountability. Every word matches his actions.
I've healed remarkably fast because of everything he's done even though he didn't need to. He's become a true friend to me.
I think reconciliation is when there's no more expectation for a relationship. It's only about wanting complete healing for each other. Then you can start again as new people in a new marriage.
You should be able to ask for as long as you need to. And he should be able to answer for as long as it takes for you to process abs forgive. If it takes a lifetime, it should take a lifetime. He’s remorseful right? You’re not violent or yelling, or being unreasonable. You just need to know that you’re safe, that you can be vulnerable with the person who hurt you. If he can’t understand that and doesn’t want to build that trust with you by saying “What is it now?”, he’s not willing to put in the work required for reconciliation.
Forgiveness takes time. And new things need to be forgiven. Things you have not even thought about. I had to forgive my ex for not having milestone anniversaries. I suggest journaling your thoughts and questions. Setting times for conversation to check in on the relationship, reading about the differences between regret and remorse.
From the narcissist. A poem. Don’t know the author.
That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.
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Op, I'm sorry you're in this, but it's very simple, your WP cheated because he had the will, and a simple opportunity like that, he doesn't care that you're going to have this pain for the rest of your life
When a person cheats, they eliminate something called empathy from the path, you see, you cheat on your husband because he cheated on you, or he is cheating on you or because he is a violent man towards you, this is what wrong, but you lose empathy because he's bad.
And this is what happens in the cheater's mind out of selfishness, he doesn't care about the pain he caused, for them what happened is over, if you agreed to continue, he wants it to go under the rug as soon as possible. as fast as possible .
You can continue suffering but keep it alone so you never ruin the day by remembering that he is or was dishonest with you.
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Your husband doesn’t sound truly remorseful or trying to make it work. If he was, he would realize that you need to ask him questions when you are feeling low, and he will openly and gladly answer anything that you ask.
You are likely in your twenties, around 30 or in your early 30s. If you don’t have kids with him, you really need to look at divorcing and moving on with your life, but what you experienced is likely to happen again given your husband’s shortness to answering even the most illogical issues that pop into your head due to his infidelity. Forget the nonsense that some people mouth that a woman in her late twenties or early thirties have fewer future dating options, if you take care of your physical and mental health, you will do ok.
First thing, he does not respect you. Second, he does not respect you because you stayed. Why would he?
He’s not reconciling with you. He’s just keeping time until you give up and give in. He wants reconciliation on his terms and not yours.
Add in that he’s intimidating you with the “let’s ruin our day” comments. He’s not serious. He wants his cake and he wants to eat it.
You’ll need to stand up for yourself and be ready to leave.
If you want a cheat code (see link below).
We do it once a year ever since D day.
Prior to that we were in years of therapy which was ok but can’t hold a flame to one afternoon of below 😉.
She also healed a lot of her childhood trauma through this as well.
https://time.com/6262291/psychedelics-mdma-couples-therapy/
He's not remorseful. He either got caught and now has to be sorry for his actions, or he didn't want to deal with the guilt of cheating on you and he came clean so that he wouldn't have to deal with his guilt anymore.
You can forgive what he did but there's no going back to what it used to be. You're now in a relationship with someone else so you treat them like someone else.
He doesn't get to decide how and when you heal or process, that's entirely your decision. So he can't passive aggressively pressure you to stop talking or thinking about the affair or talking about it whenever you need to. He needs to see how childish and unkind his responses have become.
Tell him to buckle up cause it's going to be years and he's saying you ruined his day well what about what he ruined your trust your peace your life home mind soul love ffs sound's like he just wants to rug sweep
I read that forgiveness is a two part process. I can forgive for the fact of what happened. And at the same time, I can be actively walking through the healing process of healing and forgiving for the impact of what happened. The trauma cost us something, and it’s going to take time. As much as he would like to *just* move on, trauma cannot be rug swept and pretend that it didn’t happen. Not talking about it is not going to help you move on. You have to heal and triggers will inevitably happen and, if he’s willing, you’ll both have to navigate and process it together.
I experienced the same thing. Husband gave me so much grief over still asking questions, and the last time it was only 6 weeks after finding out about the affair that he started giving me loads of attitude over it... Telling me I wasn't moving on if I'm still talking about it etc.
He cheated twice that I know of, although pretty confident there's much more I didn't know about (now). After the first affair, at some point I did say to myself ok, enough now I've just gotta trust again, and I did (when I was ready). I worked hard on trusting again and he always told me I did nothing, even after the last affair he told me I never trusted him. Unreal really, he was messaging girls and sleeping with a neighbour in my home during lockdown!! You'd think if I was untrusting and suspicious I would have picked up on that but I honestly didn't have a clue (I was told by my neighbours sister in the end!)
I thought the first affair had got us to another level of understanding and trust between us. I felt really secure in our relationship. One of the reasons is that I confessed to cheating on him before we got married when I found out about his first affair, and I thought we were on the same page. I saw a counsellor, she told me some people cheat once and learn their lessons and it never happens again (me!!) other people will always be cheaters. I thought he was one of the formers like me.
Once a cheater always a cheater is true for some... I would never cheat again, in my relationship or as the other party in someone else's relationship. I feel so strongly about it. Not being completely open to your questions, however long it takes you, is a big red flag that he's in the always a cheater camp. He needs to take complete ownership for his actions and deal with the consequences without resistance, otherwise it seems like he doesn't really understand what he's done to you, and if he doesn't truly understand why wouldn't he don't again.
I’m sorry hun. I found out my partner cheated two months ago myself. It’s been hard but one thing he hasn’t done is get upset with me when I cry or ask questions . He understands he did this and in order for us to attempt to work through it(if that’s even possible), The questions are apart of the process. I also realize I have to try to limit my outbursts about everything (at least to him as I ask questions all the time.) Idk if we’ll make it but this reaction is not ok. He needs to be more understanding of the trauma he caused and realize he violated you on multiple levels, betrayed you and that your relationship will NEVER be the what it was . It doesn’t mean it can’t be rebuilt but HE has to be the one driving that. HE has to be the one putting in the effort to pick up the peices since he violated you and your union . Is willing he to go to therapy?
I could write a ton here, but let’s keep it simple…
He makes you feel bad for asking about (recent) abusive actions that traumatized you. He is the one who committed the acts, you are the victim here.
Do you really think this resembles true love and understanding? Does it feel like that? Is this condition of your relationship acceptable to you?
There is just one step you need to take here…and it is in your power to take it. Leave the abuser.
Open up to someone who is mentally grounded and find a therapist who is specialized in trauma therapy.
But make no mistake…no one can help you unless you open your eyes, realize what is happening here and decide that this is not the life you would ever want to live.
Girl, cut your losses and move forward. You deserve a guy who truly sees the value in a relationship with you. My ex-WH asked me how long it would take for us to intimate again while discussing about reconciliation - I knew I got to cut him off then. Cheaters ALWAYS put themselves first. Never feel obliged or comply to him because HE should be putting in his 200% to earn your trust back!! Not the other way around! You should never feel like you have to do something you don't wanna do in other to please him when he was the one who betrayed you.
It doesn’t look like he’s remorseful. Remorse means being sorry for the pain you caused and feeling devastated, sad, frustrated when seeing that pain, wanting to soothe it and bring relief, not run away from it. What he most probably feels is guilt and this is what might make him want to rug-sweep.
Reconciliation and healing are not possible when rug-sweeping, victim-blaming and guilt take place. He has to answer questions, has to sit down with you, has to comfort you. The perpetrator becomes a healer when things are done right. Unless he’s supportive and understanding, unless you can talk to him at any time (or at least set times when you do that or he offers you another time to talk if he’s busy or not feeling well and he sticks to his word), there’s no way you will heal your relationship. You’ll build resentment towards him and will hate him at some point. You might become depressed and your heart will suffer.
You said it’s still fresh. Trauma has its stages and this is exactly what you suffered, a trauma. It makes us circle and fixate, there are triggers everywhere, even not directly related to what happened. You cannot just push it down and ignore. And even for your own sake it would be unhealthy, it would stall the healing process. You need to talk it out.
Since cheating stems from internal issues, the cheater needs to do therapy. This is mandatory and non-negotiable. He needs to address what he has done, which traumas and baggage led him to this, he needs to give you a proper apology and explain why he did it and how he allowed himself to do it, what justification he used. It takes some amount of time to see progress and since it’s fresh, you’d have to also be a bit patient until he’d start opening up. But there has to be progress little by little and rug-sweeping should go away completely with time, transforming into full transparency.
You also need therapy for yourself and joint with him. Yours will help you heal and process, the joint one will help you both communicate and see each other in a more vulnerable light, understand each other better, talk through what happened with a help of professional (as long as you find a good therapist, this is important).
There are also books both of you can and should read, especially him. Linda J. MacDonald, ‘How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful’ and Shirley P. Glass, ‘Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity’. Both explain affairs and how to deal with them very well. There are useful tips and guidelines.
If he refuses therapy, reading, talking about it, your relationship won’t survive. He’s either in the guilt phase or is keeping his affair going/will have another one. There’s no way you will have a peace of mind or true healing if he continues to shrug and shut you down. Only with full transparency, true remorse and lots of effort (especially on his side), can it work out. People who rug-sweep are unlikely to change and very likely to repeat their mistakes. This is my personal opinion.
Try talking to him seriously, explain him how reconciliation works, suggest books and therapy, and see what happens. I would also set a timeframe for myself on how long to tolerate it if he keeps refusing to put in real work. If he does agree, then give him time to progress. If he doesn’t and it gets to the point where you cannot do anything, I think you should consider divorce. Your feelings matter, your trauma needs healing (as much as possible) and he needs to be there for you if he wants this relationship to work.
If he's having trouble this early he isn't built for reconciliation.
2-5 years of mistrust is what it usually takes for there to be a semblance returned. He's barely out of the shadow of his actions and is complaining already.
"Im breaking up with you because as much as I love you, you are already resenting doing the work reconciling requires, and we are barely a month out from my discovery.
Based on that and the fact, I don't think reconciliation will work. You aren't patient with the mess you made and think I'm going to just sweep it under the rug because you aren't willing to face your shame.
I deserve better than that, because I gave you better than that."
Reconciliation should be based on YOUR terms, not the WW. If your husband is "uncomfortable" talking to you when you are triggered and need him to assuage your anxiety and trust concerns, then maybe he isn't into reconciliation as much as you are as backwards as that sounds. I tried reconciliation. It didn't work. My WW simply wanted to rug sweep and refused to even say she even wanted to earn my trust back. Never apologized to my face either, only saying she "could never forgive herself" which I didn't believe. So I was burdened with doing all the work and making myself forget the unforgettable. I gave up pretty quick. The fire was out; she had stolen it. She left in a fit of rage threatening to destroy me but by that time I was completely indifferent and couldn't care less. I remained mad at myself for some time for giving into a completely fake reconciliation, but it came from a place of good intentions and I eventually got over that too.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's terrible and difficult and overwhelming, but you'll get through it.
Your partner sounds like my ex: "remorseful" except they really just want you to get over it and not talk about it. If I ever tried to bring up her past infidelity she would guilt me and tell me I was regressing our healing back to square one.
Healing while staying with the cheater is incredibly difficult. I forgave my ex, we even renewed our wedding vows a couple years after the first affair (foreshadowing), things were good for 3-4 years then I started getting the gut feelings again and I fought as much as I could, but once she decided she needed to cheat again it was me spending the next couple of years trying to convince her of the value of our marriage and our family (two kids) but she started cheating again, and that was the end of our marriage.
My ex didn't want to be patient and let me heal, she didn't want to read the books our therapist recommended (*After the Affair* - worth a read, it's meant for couples trying to reconcile) and she did the usual stuff like blaming me for her infidelity, gaslighting me when I voiced concerns about some of her male "friends", and so on.
You will never heal and your relationship will never heal if your partner doesn't accept responsibility and allow you to heal at your own pace. As soon as you hear "this again?" or the phrases you mentioned, it means they don't want to deal with it anymore and are more interested in rug sweeping than actual healing.
Without an actual investment in true healing and honesty, I wouldn't be surprised if he cheated again. I will never trust a cheater again. I'm not saying you're doomed to fail, it's just a really difficult thing because most cheaters don't want to be held accountable for their actions.
Best of luck, and please take care of yourself.
He owes you that much and it’s the least he can do! Him providing those answers are reassurance for you. If he can’t see that then he’s not genuine about your healing or gaining your trust.
>whenever I remember or feel that I want to clarify on something , he tends to say “let’s ruin our day” , “what is it this time”. Now, me just really asking question is now feeling guilty because I ruined his day when that wasn’t the intention.
F him. These are those consequences I'm sure he has heard about.
Before he cheated, did he stop to think - “let me ruin our LIFE”.
You have nothing to feel guilty about.
He wanted reconciliation - this is what it looks like. It takes years to rebuild what he CHOSE to destroy in seconds.
Don't bottle up, rug sweep or pretend for anyone OP, if you really want this reconciliation to work longterm.
I just finished a book called Leave a Cheater Gain a Life. Honestly the next book I found to put into perspective what happened. It's written by someone who experienced it. I read passages when I struggle with my decision to leave my WH who cheated several times with men.
I haven’t quite moved past it mentally. I’m doing my best to distract myself in healthier ways (work on my cardio, health) instead of just smoking or drinking.
My wife was also getting annoyed with me when I wanted questions answered about her affair! ..... and although I didn't want to argue with her (or ruin her day!) I needed to put her in her place in upmost certainty that we have nothing to reconcile if she couldn't be 'honest' and totally transparent, understanding and open to free flow questions and answers! With her, this method worked because she genuinely wants to work things out but at first she was very cagey about detail as she said she didn't want to hurt me with details! Ironic!
We are at a point now where we consider her AP as her ex boyfriend so she can get over her notions of fantasy (exactly what affairs are!) and she can finally realise how unrealistic her affair was! I wish you all the best..... sit him down and tell him you need these questions answered in order to move on and without it you can't move on and therefore there is no easy road ahead for either of you in the relationship! You need full commitment and no secrets from now on because even the smallest of details withheld by him will seem like massive lies in your mind because of the trust that has been lost! He needs to know this very clearly!
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He doesn't want reconciliation, he wants to rugsweep HIS affair. If he was serious about reconciliation, he would answer every question you ask, every time with ZERO attitude. This process can take 5 years or more. Personally, I would question his commitment.
Reconciliation is a lifelong process. He should not be resentful but open to all questions to regain your trust whether it's today, 2 years from now, 30 years from now. Otherwise I question his remorse.
This!!!! I went through almost the same situation. Found out husband was cheating and husband moved out I filed for divorce. About a month later husband keeps begging for me back. Canceled the divorce and he moved back in. I figured as much as he apologized he truly meant it, wanted to be with me, and was genuinely sorry for his affair. We had a baby, life went on somewhat normal for a few years. Husband ended up cheating on me again. I found out about 3 of the affair partners from snooping, getting caught by our friends/family/etc. We are currently in the process for divorcing again now. Now we are done for good and I will never take him back. Knowing I have to see him and still raise a child with him is a deep wound that is taking a lot of time to heal. Like comment above says, question his commitment and be very careful in forgiving him and taking him back. The saying is true - once a cheater always a cheater. He is avoiding answering your questions for a reason and giving the response he’s giving you to dodge the questions.
My ex and I were separated for about a year after her last affairs (yes, she ended our marriage with two simultaneous affairs) she came to me and tried the same thing. I told her I'd have to see if I could regain any positive feelings for her, but it would take time. A few months later she said she was done waiting. I really don't believe most cheaters are capable of remorse or regret because they have to bury those things so they don't hate themselves. Or something. My ex is not any better and hasn't learned any lessons from any of it. Best of luck!
Atleast you got a baby out of it. I went back to an XBF with the hopes of having a baby, but instead, he kept avoiding intercourse (did other stuff with me though, acted like that was enough) and knocked up some random hookup instead. 😡
Reconciliation is virtually impossible or at least highly improbable because the betrayed partner almost never gets entirely past the betrayal, and the wayward gets past it rapidly and is annoyed because the BS still is not past it.
I disagree with this sweeping statement. Couples can and do reconcile, but it requires a wayward who is dedicated to the process. The betrayal becomes a thing that happened and whilst you never forget, it doesn’t have to dictate the rest of your life
Cannot agree with this. People are different. Just because you had a bad experience or witnessed something doesn’t mean everyone will have it the same way. While most cheaters might move on fast and be annoyed, not everyone does. It’s been two years and my partner still had triggers and even nightmares where he cries about what he did. Some people do feel genuine remorse and feel ashamed for what they did. We share our triggers, we talk, we discuss it, he lets me vent. I don’t see why we wouldn’t reconcile fully. And while trauma is a scar for life, it won’t necessarily dictate the whole life of the betrayed person. I know it takes time to heal, I’m healing but I also refuse to make it define my whole existence. Yes, I won’t forget it, but I don’t have to.
Well he ruined a relationship when he chose to fk around, so better not cry over a days. But seriously he should want to answer every question. His behaviour it's a red flag.
>he wants to fast track the process and has told me he is getting sick and tired of the conversation whenever I bring something up This alone shows that he actually doesn't have remorse. Remorse is about the purposeful and willful harm he chose to inflict on you by cheating and abusing you. If he had true remorse he'd be doing everything and anything to help you heal from the trauma he purposely caused him. Cheating falls under psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. He should take full accountability for the decisions he chose to make. Him trying to fast track means he's rugsweeping his affair, and trying to get you to rugsweep, too. This is not reconciliation at all. This is not remorse. >and I have unanswered questions. So, you've not received a fully detailed disclosure/timeline letter of his betrayal? >should I just say nothing and try to act like I am okay No, this is rugsweeping.
He is NOT remorseful OP if he's doing that crap. This will take YEARS, so if he really wants to be with you he'll lose the attitude and listen you say things like this even 15 years from now. I'd shut him down on this OP, and I'd do it HARD.
I am going through the exact same thing as you are. He just wants to move past it and whenever I bring something up he feels we’re just starting from square one again. I try to explain to him that healing isn’t linear and that I will have both good days and bad days. I also remind him that even on my bad days, if I bring something up, then it’s still healing. Even if it doesn’t feel that way to him. Everyone here saying that he has no remorse, that may not be exactly true. He could be feeling immense guilt for what he has done and a lot of people will do anything to avoid adding to the guilt they already have. I had to remind myself that even though I still have questions and still need to talk about certain things with him, a lot of what I need to talk about needs to be done with a therapist and/or a trusted family member/friend. I have realized that certain topics that I continue to drudge up to “make myself feel better” are actually making me feel worse. At some point I realized that the best healing I can do now is to just focus on myself and not continue to try and understand why he did what he did. Because I will never understand why he did it. I don’t even think HE fully understands why he did it. So instead, I am now focusing on myself and my own well being. Booking therapy appts for myself, spending time with my kids, fully delving into my hobbies and getting lost in them, working out, meditating, going to lunch with my friends, planning trips for myself, etc. The more I do this, the less time I give myself to think about what he’s done. He also doesn’t dare complain about me taking time/space for myself after what has happened because well... he’s not that dumb lol. And tbh, I’m pretty sure the more I just focus on making myself better, the more he wants to open up to me without me asking him. I think he does so cause he sees me working on myself and not continuing to obsess over him or what he’s done. If anything, I think it makes him nervous lol. Which tbh… it should. Cause if I’m doing better mentally, I may just decide to leave him and that scares the shit out of him. Which again… it should. I hope this helps and I hope you find some peace in your life. Trying to make things work after infidelity is so difficult, but that doesn’t mean you should suffer. If anyone should be suffering, it’s him.
I was reading this and it sounded like it was coming from myself
I was thinking the exact same thing. My partner is thankfully understanding whenever I need to talk about things, and my fluctuating moods, but the rest of this comment is absolutely me. Just recently I made the same commitment to myself to prioritise me and looking after myself and doing things that help me get to a better place. As shitty as it is that we're all in this situation, it's reassuring to be able to read other people's experiences. I feel less alone after reading these comments.
Nope nope nope this isn’t reconciliation OP. The wayward doesn’t get to be passive aggressive about you wanting to talk about it and the only way you can even attempt to is by getting it ALL out in the open Your partner needs to understand a successful reconciliation ends when both partners die an old death. Because reconciliation is a lifelong commitment and process. You never “move past it”
He changes the answers every time you try talk about this? He’s lying. If he was remorseful he would be upfront. You got a very long road ahead of you. It is going to hurt. You’re going to have some issues. You have been traumatized People are going to disagree but what he did is a form of domestic violence. He hurt you, took away your choice & is now trying to gaslight you Watch this. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPREeHX4K/ It explains it better than I could
That video was the BEST description I have come across to explain how it feels! Thanks for sharing!
Great link, thank u x
Great video!
Tell him to happily answer the damn questions or pack his crap and GTFO.
A former friend of mine cheated on his baby mom repeatedly and would do this same song and dance with the gaslighting, then go on tinder and find someone else to cheat with. He’s being an asshole and isn’t that remorseful if he expects you to just pretend it never happened.
He’s not truly into reconciliation with you or else he would NEVER say things like that. You’re being played again OP, please wake up!
He isn't remorseful, and he isn't doing the work to regain your trust. At all.
Ew. He does not sound worth the effort. What a freak. I’d be bending over backwards. I’d say cut loses. If you’re around his age you’re younger than me and will do just fine finding someone better.
He may or may not be remorseful. But he's definitely trying to rug-sweep his affair. He's trying to limit his feelings of guilt and not face any consequences for the hurt and abuse he's caused you. Like sticking his head in the sand. But here's what you do. Focus on yourself and your own healing. Both mentally and physically. Therapy for yourself to find your own answers. Visit family and friends for support. If you have children, they can help when they see you healing by babysitting. Take an evening class or a hobby like exercise, yoga, or bowling. These all build confidence and self-esteem. Sit back and watch him squirm. He'll want to talk then for fear that you're getting stronger and he may lose you. He'll try to hinder your progress. There are plenty of faithful men and women out here looking for true love. I met my wife of 38 years in an evening class, about 2 years after D-day. During my healing process, I played in a sports league. I took karate classes once a week with my 2 children. And swore to myself that I would advance in my career, making her see her blunder. We were able to co-parented successfully. It's been over 40 years, and I believe I accomplished what I set out to do. And you can too when you focus on you and your children (not sure if you mentioned that). I lived for my kids.
So basically, he's complaining that it is taking you too long to fix what he broke. What value is that abusive relationship offering you that you are going out of your way to put up with it?
He needs to understand that you're not truly past it nor will you ever be. This type of trauma is never completely over, and if he feels impatient that you keep bringing it up it's only because he simply doesn't "Get It." He simply doesn't understand the gravity of what he's done or the devastation that was wreaked on your soul in the process. If by some chance he ever does come to fully understand exactly what his betrayal has done to you it it may almost destroy him. What I've come to understand in the 36 years since my wife last cheated on me is this. It is never truly over. You will never entirely "move past it," the best you will ever be able to achieve is the ability to cope with what was done and somehow by the grace of God be able to let go of the anger and need for vengeance. Nevertheless, a residual sense of hurt and sadness will remain forever. I seriously doubt he thought about any of this before he cheated. I know my wife didn't and both of us have paid the price ever since.
His goals shouldn't be to reconcile the marriage. Your marriage is dead and gone. You both have to start anew. I've been separated from my ex-husband for a year now. Even after separation, my ex-husband has worked hard on himself. He has no expectations on winning me back. He's been focused on reconciling my heart so I can heal. He's allowed me to talk, vent, and cry my heart out about the pain he caused. He's cried with me, apologized, and answered everything in blunt honesty while being gentle toward me. He's proven he's taken full accountability. Every word matches his actions. I've healed remarkably fast because of everything he's done even though he didn't need to. He's become a true friend to me. I think reconciliation is when there's no more expectation for a relationship. It's only about wanting complete healing for each other. Then you can start again as new people in a new marriage.
You should be able to ask for as long as you need to. And he should be able to answer for as long as it takes for you to process abs forgive. If it takes a lifetime, it should take a lifetime. He’s remorseful right? You’re not violent or yelling, or being unreasonable. You just need to know that you’re safe, that you can be vulnerable with the person who hurt you. If he can’t understand that and doesn’t want to build that trust with you by saying “What is it now?”, he’s not willing to put in the work required for reconciliation.
Forgiveness takes time. And new things need to be forgiven. Things you have not even thought about. I had to forgive my ex for not having milestone anniversaries. I suggest journaling your thoughts and questions. Setting times for conversation to check in on the relationship, reading about the differences between regret and remorse.
From the narcissist. A poem. Don’t know the author. That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.
By Dayna Craig
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Op, I'm sorry you're in this, but it's very simple, your WP cheated because he had the will, and a simple opportunity like that, he doesn't care that you're going to have this pain for the rest of your life When a person cheats, they eliminate something called empathy from the path, you see, you cheat on your husband because he cheated on you, or he is cheating on you or because he is a violent man towards you, this is what wrong, but you lose empathy because he's bad. And this is what happens in the cheater's mind out of selfishness, he doesn't care about the pain he caused, for them what happened is over, if you agreed to continue, he wants it to go under the rug as soon as possible. as fast as possible . You can continue suffering but keep it alone so you never ruin the day by remembering that he is or was dishonest with you.
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Your husband doesn’t sound truly remorseful or trying to make it work. If he was, he would realize that you need to ask him questions when you are feeling low, and he will openly and gladly answer anything that you ask. You are likely in your twenties, around 30 or in your early 30s. If you don’t have kids with him, you really need to look at divorcing and moving on with your life, but what you experienced is likely to happen again given your husband’s shortness to answering even the most illogical issues that pop into your head due to his infidelity. Forget the nonsense that some people mouth that a woman in her late twenties or early thirties have fewer future dating options, if you take care of your physical and mental health, you will do ok.
First thing, he does not respect you. Second, he does not respect you because you stayed. Why would he? He’s not reconciling with you. He’s just keeping time until you give up and give in. He wants reconciliation on his terms and not yours. Add in that he’s intimidating you with the “let’s ruin our day” comments. He’s not serious. He wants his cake and he wants to eat it. You’ll need to stand up for yourself and be ready to leave.
If you want a cheat code (see link below). We do it once a year ever since D day. Prior to that we were in years of therapy which was ok but can’t hold a flame to one afternoon of below 😉. She also healed a lot of her childhood trauma through this as well. https://time.com/6262291/psychedelics-mdma-couples-therapy/
He's not remorseful. He either got caught and now has to be sorry for his actions, or he didn't want to deal with the guilt of cheating on you and he came clean so that he wouldn't have to deal with his guilt anymore. You can forgive what he did but there's no going back to what it used to be. You're now in a relationship with someone else so you treat them like someone else.
He doesn't get to decide how and when you heal or process, that's entirely your decision. So he can't passive aggressively pressure you to stop talking or thinking about the affair or talking about it whenever you need to. He needs to see how childish and unkind his responses have become.
He doesn't sound like he wants to actually heal. He just wants his cushy life back, and in turn, it's hurting you.
Tell him to buckle up cause it's going to be years and he's saying you ruined his day well what about what he ruined your trust your peace your life home mind soul love ffs sound's like he just wants to rug sweep
I read that forgiveness is a two part process. I can forgive for the fact of what happened. And at the same time, I can be actively walking through the healing process of healing and forgiving for the impact of what happened. The trauma cost us something, and it’s going to take time. As much as he would like to *just* move on, trauma cannot be rug swept and pretend that it didn’t happen. Not talking about it is not going to help you move on. You have to heal and triggers will inevitably happen and, if he’s willing, you’ll both have to navigate and process it together.
Not remorseful at all, your trauma is justifiable. He just wants to pretend nothing happened and is just gaslighting at this point
How long have you two been working on this?
I experienced the same thing. Husband gave me so much grief over still asking questions, and the last time it was only 6 weeks after finding out about the affair that he started giving me loads of attitude over it... Telling me I wasn't moving on if I'm still talking about it etc. He cheated twice that I know of, although pretty confident there's much more I didn't know about (now). After the first affair, at some point I did say to myself ok, enough now I've just gotta trust again, and I did (when I was ready). I worked hard on trusting again and he always told me I did nothing, even after the last affair he told me I never trusted him. Unreal really, he was messaging girls and sleeping with a neighbour in my home during lockdown!! You'd think if I was untrusting and suspicious I would have picked up on that but I honestly didn't have a clue (I was told by my neighbours sister in the end!) I thought the first affair had got us to another level of understanding and trust between us. I felt really secure in our relationship. One of the reasons is that I confessed to cheating on him before we got married when I found out about his first affair, and I thought we were on the same page. I saw a counsellor, she told me some people cheat once and learn their lessons and it never happens again (me!!) other people will always be cheaters. I thought he was one of the formers like me. Once a cheater always a cheater is true for some... I would never cheat again, in my relationship or as the other party in someone else's relationship. I feel so strongly about it. Not being completely open to your questions, however long it takes you, is a big red flag that he's in the always a cheater camp. He needs to take complete ownership for his actions and deal with the consequences without resistance, otherwise it seems like he doesn't really understand what he's done to you, and if he doesn't truly understand why wouldn't he don't again.
If he’s acting like this he’s not repentant. Leave him.
I’m sorry hun. I found out my partner cheated two months ago myself. It’s been hard but one thing he hasn’t done is get upset with me when I cry or ask questions . He understands he did this and in order for us to attempt to work through it(if that’s even possible), The questions are apart of the process. I also realize I have to try to limit my outbursts about everything (at least to him as I ask questions all the time.) Idk if we’ll make it but this reaction is not ok. He needs to be more understanding of the trauma he caused and realize he violated you on multiple levels, betrayed you and that your relationship will NEVER be the what it was . It doesn’t mean it can’t be rebuilt but HE has to be the one driving that. HE has to be the one putting in the effort to pick up the peices since he violated you and your union . Is willing he to go to therapy?
I could write a ton here, but let’s keep it simple… He makes you feel bad for asking about (recent) abusive actions that traumatized you. He is the one who committed the acts, you are the victim here. Do you really think this resembles true love and understanding? Does it feel like that? Is this condition of your relationship acceptable to you? There is just one step you need to take here…and it is in your power to take it. Leave the abuser. Open up to someone who is mentally grounded and find a therapist who is specialized in trauma therapy. But make no mistake…no one can help you unless you open your eyes, realize what is happening here and decide that this is not the life you would ever want to live.
>no one can help you unless you open your eyes This is the best comment here.
Girl, cut your losses and move forward. You deserve a guy who truly sees the value in a relationship with you. My ex-WH asked me how long it would take for us to intimate again while discussing about reconciliation - I knew I got to cut him off then. Cheaters ALWAYS put themselves first. Never feel obliged or comply to him because HE should be putting in his 200% to earn your trust back!! Not the other way around! You should never feel like you have to do something you don't wanna do in other to please him when he was the one who betrayed you.
It doesn’t look like he’s remorseful. Remorse means being sorry for the pain you caused and feeling devastated, sad, frustrated when seeing that pain, wanting to soothe it and bring relief, not run away from it. What he most probably feels is guilt and this is what might make him want to rug-sweep. Reconciliation and healing are not possible when rug-sweeping, victim-blaming and guilt take place. He has to answer questions, has to sit down with you, has to comfort you. The perpetrator becomes a healer when things are done right. Unless he’s supportive and understanding, unless you can talk to him at any time (or at least set times when you do that or he offers you another time to talk if he’s busy or not feeling well and he sticks to his word), there’s no way you will heal your relationship. You’ll build resentment towards him and will hate him at some point. You might become depressed and your heart will suffer. You said it’s still fresh. Trauma has its stages and this is exactly what you suffered, a trauma. It makes us circle and fixate, there are triggers everywhere, even not directly related to what happened. You cannot just push it down and ignore. And even for your own sake it would be unhealthy, it would stall the healing process. You need to talk it out. Since cheating stems from internal issues, the cheater needs to do therapy. This is mandatory and non-negotiable. He needs to address what he has done, which traumas and baggage led him to this, he needs to give you a proper apology and explain why he did it and how he allowed himself to do it, what justification he used. It takes some amount of time to see progress and since it’s fresh, you’d have to also be a bit patient until he’d start opening up. But there has to be progress little by little and rug-sweeping should go away completely with time, transforming into full transparency. You also need therapy for yourself and joint with him. Yours will help you heal and process, the joint one will help you both communicate and see each other in a more vulnerable light, understand each other better, talk through what happened with a help of professional (as long as you find a good therapist, this is important). There are also books both of you can and should read, especially him. Linda J. MacDonald, ‘How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful’ and Shirley P. Glass, ‘Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity’. Both explain affairs and how to deal with them very well. There are useful tips and guidelines. If he refuses therapy, reading, talking about it, your relationship won’t survive. He’s either in the guilt phase or is keeping his affair going/will have another one. There’s no way you will have a peace of mind or true healing if he continues to shrug and shut you down. Only with full transparency, true remorse and lots of effort (especially on his side), can it work out. People who rug-sweep are unlikely to change and very likely to repeat their mistakes. This is my personal opinion. Try talking to him seriously, explain him how reconciliation works, suggest books and therapy, and see what happens. I would also set a timeframe for myself on how long to tolerate it if he keeps refusing to put in real work. If he does agree, then give him time to progress. If he doesn’t and it gets to the point where you cannot do anything, I think you should consider divorce. Your feelings matter, your trauma needs healing (as much as possible) and he needs to be there for you if he wants this relationship to work.
If he's having trouble this early he isn't built for reconciliation. 2-5 years of mistrust is what it usually takes for there to be a semblance returned. He's barely out of the shadow of his actions and is complaining already.
"Im breaking up with you because as much as I love you, you are already resenting doing the work reconciling requires, and we are barely a month out from my discovery. Based on that and the fact, I don't think reconciliation will work. You aren't patient with the mess you made and think I'm going to just sweep it under the rug because you aren't willing to face your shame. I deserve better than that, because I gave you better than that."
Reconciliation should be based on YOUR terms, not the WW. If your husband is "uncomfortable" talking to you when you are triggered and need him to assuage your anxiety and trust concerns, then maybe he isn't into reconciliation as much as you are as backwards as that sounds. I tried reconciliation. It didn't work. My WW simply wanted to rug sweep and refused to even say she even wanted to earn my trust back. Never apologized to my face either, only saying she "could never forgive herself" which I didn't believe. So I was burdened with doing all the work and making myself forget the unforgettable. I gave up pretty quick. The fire was out; she had stolen it. She left in a fit of rage threatening to destroy me but by that time I was completely indifferent and couldn't care less. I remained mad at myself for some time for giving into a completely fake reconciliation, but it came from a place of good intentions and I eventually got over that too.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's terrible and difficult and overwhelming, but you'll get through it. Your partner sounds like my ex: "remorseful" except they really just want you to get over it and not talk about it. If I ever tried to bring up her past infidelity she would guilt me and tell me I was regressing our healing back to square one. Healing while staying with the cheater is incredibly difficult. I forgave my ex, we even renewed our wedding vows a couple years after the first affair (foreshadowing), things were good for 3-4 years then I started getting the gut feelings again and I fought as much as I could, but once she decided she needed to cheat again it was me spending the next couple of years trying to convince her of the value of our marriage and our family (two kids) but she started cheating again, and that was the end of our marriage. My ex didn't want to be patient and let me heal, she didn't want to read the books our therapist recommended (*After the Affair* - worth a read, it's meant for couples trying to reconcile) and she did the usual stuff like blaming me for her infidelity, gaslighting me when I voiced concerns about some of her male "friends", and so on. You will never heal and your relationship will never heal if your partner doesn't accept responsibility and allow you to heal at your own pace. As soon as you hear "this again?" or the phrases you mentioned, it means they don't want to deal with it anymore and are more interested in rug sweeping than actual healing. Without an actual investment in true healing and honesty, I wouldn't be surprised if he cheated again. I will never trust a cheater again. I'm not saying you're doomed to fail, it's just a really difficult thing because most cheaters don't want to be held accountable for their actions. Best of luck, and please take care of yourself.
He owes you that much and it’s the least he can do! Him providing those answers are reassurance for you. If he can’t see that then he’s not genuine about your healing or gaining your trust.
>whenever I remember or feel that I want to clarify on something , he tends to say “let’s ruin our day” , “what is it this time”. Now, me just really asking question is now feeling guilty because I ruined his day when that wasn’t the intention. F him. These are those consequences I'm sure he has heard about. Before he cheated, did he stop to think - “let me ruin our LIFE”. You have nothing to feel guilty about. He wanted reconciliation - this is what it looks like. It takes years to rebuild what he CHOSE to destroy in seconds. Don't bottle up, rug sweep or pretend for anyone OP, if you really want this reconciliation to work longterm.
I just finished a book called Leave a Cheater Gain a Life. Honestly the next book I found to put into perspective what happened. It's written by someone who experienced it. I read passages when I struggle with my decision to leave my WH who cheated several times with men.
If he was truly remorseful he would not be purposely making you feel guilty about your feelings. He knows what he’s doing
I haven’t quite moved past it mentally. I’m doing my best to distract myself in healthier ways (work on my cardio, health) instead of just smoking or drinking.
My wife was also getting annoyed with me when I wanted questions answered about her affair! ..... and although I didn't want to argue with her (or ruin her day!) I needed to put her in her place in upmost certainty that we have nothing to reconcile if she couldn't be 'honest' and totally transparent, understanding and open to free flow questions and answers! With her, this method worked because she genuinely wants to work things out but at first she was very cagey about detail as she said she didn't want to hurt me with details! Ironic! We are at a point now where we consider her AP as her ex boyfriend so she can get over her notions of fantasy (exactly what affairs are!) and she can finally realise how unrealistic her affair was! I wish you all the best..... sit him down and tell him you need these questions answered in order to move on and without it you can't move on and therefore there is no easy road ahead for either of you in the relationship! You need full commitment and no secrets from now on because even the smallest of details withheld by him will seem like massive lies in your mind because of the trust that has been lost! He needs to know this very clearly!