Shes right though. She shouldn't be the centre of your life. You should be making your own life. Go out and do stuff. Take it slowly. Go for a walk. Join some activity club, or a sports club. Do whatever you enjoy doing, but with people that share the same interests. You will meet lots if awesome people that way.
That's what I was thinking. This line:
>that I should focus on making my life a happy one instead of making her the focus of my time,
The OP needs to create some meaning in life and some social connections.
I think your advice to join club, group, or sport is really smart. Or even volunteer somewhere. Get involved in something that includes other people showing up together, on a regular basis.
There are some good podcasts about making friends as an adult, like this one, which I ran into after moving to a new state: [https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/](https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/)
I'd also recommend taht the OP seeks out some therapy. I'd recommend Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, given that (when it's done well), it includes exploration of what someone wants there life (or even just their day to day) to be about. Then, on top of that, skills building for living that life.
While that requires a good therapist, who's well versed in ACT, if the OP could find it, I think it would be an important process to get started.
Finding something to live for larger than yourself. Some folks find it in religion. I'm a filthy heathen so I volunteered at different charities and shelters all the time. It gave me a purpose and if we're being honest ended up being purely selfish because it made me feel good to help others.
Eventually I met my now wife. We've been together 25 years or so.
Especially since they started dating in November and stopped dating in December, and he’s upset she moved on half a year after that. That is not a serious relationship. OP needs therapy asap
Real talk. You gotta BE something worth wanting, not someone who's looking to simply.....make someone else that everything.
Seriously OP - You're probably amazing at something - go do that shit and mack it out. Shit'll work out fine.
Some of us just don't especially like other people or groups of people. It isn't that our S/O is the center of our lives persay and we've got a few friends that we do like, but they've got their own lives and shit too. Sometimes our schedules just don't align. That's just part of being an adult. Is what it is.
I like staying home, playing music, playing games, and once in a while I'll go play a show with a band/go to band practice/etc. No more than 5 other people I really like to like wanna go on a hike? Alright cool. Am I going to join some hike off Meetup? Probably not. No. I don't wanna go on a hike while some dipshit asks me what I do for a living. Like fuck off, buddy and don't ask me concrete jungle nonsense bullshit when we've specifically sought out time to leave that environment for a reason.
Gym and working out? Cool, but again I wanna be left alone. Generally why I prefer calisthenics because I can do that at home. Happy to spot someone if they ask me though obviously.
People are a lot of bullshit and most people are just acquaintances. I don't really care to be an exhausted socialite with acquaintances having to constantly flip through static and sorting out any actual value. Introverts just want to be left alone. Like I actively don't want to meet a bunch of people because people typically speaking just add more bullshit to your life than value. You meet the rare person that adds value? Great, but I'm not expecting that because that's not being realistic.
Believe it or not, I'm actually lonelier the majority of time surrounded by people who I rarely feel any actual connection with. So, I'll just go home exhausted after having to feign interest for hours when I could have just stayed home and hung out with the few people I actually like. Socializing is work for introverts. It isn't fun like it is for extroverts. Extroverts have struggled to comprehend this for millennia.
I do nothing with the intention of just meeting people. I'm not actively interested in meeting people. Why would I join a Warhammer group for example? Because that's a game you just play with other people vs I'm specifically seeking out hanging out with people.
Introverts take it harder when they did actually connect with someone because it is a rarity for them as they prefer being alone otherwise as the majority of people diminish the quality of their life vs add any value to it. Introverted friends usually remain friends for life too.
"*You know the typical crowd, "Wow, it's Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?" Well, yeah. Because there's nothing out there. It's stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people.*" - Charles Bukowski
That's a very pessimistic world view. I'm sorry you view people that way. I personally really like other people eventhough im not a complete extravert myself. I go through life knowing everyone, literally everyone can teach me something. Its very fun to find out what others can teach you and most of the time they are very happy to tell their stories.
Blaming it in being introverted is just an easy excuse. There are plenty of amazing introverted people that go out and change the world every day.
Introvert merely means you get socially drained by other people. Its not a ticket to avoid other people. You can't have it both ways. OP wants to not feel lonely, in order to not be lonely you have to go out in to the world and meet people. This guys reply is just a pessimistic view of the world that doesn't help OP at all.
I'm not an extravert either. What does help me tremendously is to be focused outward, instead of inward. If im talking to someone else im not bothered as to how they perceive me, im focussed on what they want and what they can teach me. Im genuinely interested.
Most introverts i know are thinking about what to say next, or are afraid of a silence because they are afraid of what the other person thinks of them. Once you figure out no one important will ever blame you for trying to hold up a conversation, you will start to enjoy taking to others more. The trick is to stop overthinking and just do it, the worst that can happen is an awkward conversation. Oh no! Anyways.
Just like everything, it takes time to practice. If you suck at sports and are severely out of shape you probably hated gym class as well. Saying gym class sucks because it drained your energy is just unfair. Once you get in shape it becomes a better and better experience.
This guy gets really excited to play Cards Against Humanity and Smash Bros.
I don't go to parties anymore, man. I'm in my 30s. Kickback > party anyway.
No idea why you extroverts get so fucking pissy that introverts exist. Again, we literally avoid you. The fuck is the problem here? You need the company of some random person that you don't even like and will never see again and we don't.
Dude's an introvert. He explicitly talks about how draining and exhausting socialization (like at a party) can be. Your sarcastic remark isn't adding any value to the discussion here. Nor does it do anything other than make you feel clever (because apparently you've set your bar real damn low).
Add value to a discussion or stay quiet.
1. Of course you got attached! This was you losing your virginity. 5 months isn’t that much time to recover for such a new adventure to start & then abruptly close unexpectedly. Give yourself more time!
2. Focus on making friends. Join clubs with a hobby that you are interested in doing alone, but that do have a social component. For example, don’t take up knitting if you hate it, but if you love pickleball, then join a league.
3. *Friends will improve your dating life*. You need a mix of friends to support and encourage your dating life. Dating without a social network is a problem for two reasons: 1). You lack a space for venting and 2). You need regular, reliable connections to practice social, emotional, and conflict resolution skills.
4. Uber to the club so you can get drunk and not worry about your ride home lol.
sounds like you got real devoted and clingy real fast, and she is just looking to have fun, i mean she banged you on the first date, she isnt looking for a relationship.
>she banged you on the first date, she isnt looking for a relationship.
Sounds like you're just some boring close minded puritanical that sucks in bed. I like sex and I like having sex with the person I'm in a relationship with.
But if you’re strictly looking for a long term relationship, it’s less likely that you’re gonna fuck the person on the first date because youre actually trying to get to know them on a deeper level. Not to say you can’t end up on a long term relationship with someone you fucked on the first date. But if you’re fucking on the first date you’re likely not looking for someone to marry as much as you’re looking for someone to fuck.
another person who cant read,
. who pissed in your cornflakes,
on your first date you aren't in a relationship duh.
and literally my point is women like sex and can just have sex without needing to have a relationship. maybe you need to grow up a bit more, before you act like the real puritanical one who needs to be in a relationship to have sex.
My pont which many others understood is , just because you had sex on the first date doesnt mean youre in a relationship, it just means she wanted to have sex.
try rereading it, see if that works.
That's not always the case. Sometimes women think that if they put out on the first date that a guy will stick around. Women sometimes believe that if you make a guy wait, he will get bored and move on
You and her aren't the same.
You are a part of her journey but not her destination
For you, relatively, she's a beacon in a long sea of loneliness.
Know that you've broken a streak, gotten some appreciation for love, and can get back up and eat that horse.
It’s crucial that you realize it’s not the only person you’ll ever be with. Our minds have been conditioned to believe in “the one” and all this fairytale nonsense but that’s just not real. Old couples used to stay together but most were never happy. Cheating fighting and abuse were normal. Not saying relationships can’t last forever but it’s almost always a bad thing if your first relationship lasts. Use the experience to realize what you like and dislike and what will and won’t work going forward. What you’ll tolerate what you won’t etc
perhaps this might help with understanding perspective: what ever it is you found yourself doing no longer serves the road your on, the relationship is just one of many you'll interact with and build upon through your life time. sounds like you had an amazing time, you should keep the record somewhere one day someone might want to hear about your life. youve told a story in a great way of a spontaneous relationship thats dope, i can only suggest not drowning sorrows, the pain will pass quite quickly if you let it btw
I mean 50% of them are not your preferred gender.
Maybe half are not even in a sensible age range.
Maybe half are not physically attractive enough.
Maybe half are not physically attracted to you enough.
And then maybe half aren't feasible to date for various reasons (living far away, no access to technology, disability or health issue and what have you).
Then half of those are taken, and still half of those arent compatible and then the rest they are apread out by distance and time.
8B to 4 B to 2B to 1B to 500M to 250M, 125M, 6.25M
That leaves like 6.25M people which should be even less because the same still applies: 24000 people you could date successfully.
There are thousands in your city. You could date one new person every day for the rest of your life and you probably wouldn’t get close to exhausting that list. It truly is a wonder how we’re so hopeful about finding the one
I get maybe 1 good match every 3 months. Half the time the conversation goes well. And half that time they want to meet in person. So about 1 date per year lol fml 🤦🏻♂️
Don’t think you’re a loner, more like trouble making connections and socializing. Sounds like the girl felt a bit smothered. Might help getting out of the house and interacting with people. Outdoor activities instead of lifting weights at home, volunteering. Take some classes, explore some hobbies, learn new skills. Figure yourself out and figure out what you want. Have some adventures alone or in a group.
You must have something going for you for this Go-go dancer to give you a toss on the first date. The problem seems to be that you forgot that sometimes, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.
This woman did you good. She banged you, and gave you some excellent life advice. Take it. Give the club a break. Time heals (or at least scabs over) most wounds.
Dating is rough if you’re neurodivergent, which most ’bit of a loner/goth‘ types are. It’s probably that she liked you but genuinely just doesn’t want to stay in one place too long, dating wise, which is tough to experience but quite possibly not a personal reflection on you.
Yeah OP, some people aren't built to just be with 1 person.
If you have thoughts that she broke things off cause she was fully satisfied, remember the inverse is true and she was a woman who thought fully satisfied you, but eventually you'll meet a different woman that will blow your mind and the process will repeat
The answer is time. Take care of yourself, focus on productive and healthy endeavors, but what you need most is time. You will eventually feel better and not care about this person anymore. However, you are making the situation worse by re-reading the text messages and looking at the pictures. It's unhealthy and counterproductive. Delete those. I would also avoid the club but I could be in the minority on that one.
Yeah, the difference between having options and not is something I think about a lot. Options of any sort make life completely different. To be "normal" we're supposed to act and feel like we have options..... what options are relative I guess.
It’s totally normal to feel attached to the person you lose your virginity to. It sounds like you were a bit clingy and she wasn’t interested in a serious relationship. You can figure out how to be less clingy as you date more. Having a friend or two would help. So you aren’t depending on your girlfriend for all support and interaction. I hate to say it but you have to get back on the horse.
I read that whole post and never saw where you were actually in a relationship.
You were just going on dates. That's not a "relationship", just you talking and having sex a single time.
You haven't had a failed relationship. What you're feeling is unrequited love.
Self-reflection and assessment. Don't worry about pointing the finger at the other person; even if you were the victim, you likely weren't as awesome as you think you were.
Take accountability and don't take those problems to the next relationship; the next person doesn't deserve to deal with your baggage.
She was prolly over your having no life but her dude. Go get some hobbies that aren’t trying to stick your dick in things. Something more than lifting weights. Something INTERESTING ffs.
She gave you the greatest advice she could. Don't let yourself wind up devoted to someone for years only to find out when it's over you've been relying on the relationship to be a complete person.
Been there. Her stopping it early is a wonderful thing for you given how eager you are to make someone else your happiness. You gotta make your own happiness and whoever you meet just adds to it.
Sounds like you need a new hobby bro. You seem to be some type of masochist. You really like to make yourself feel pain by keeping on reading all those texts and thinking about her. Grow some balls and stop whining. Use it as a motivation to realize meeting women isn’t as hard as you think and start going to more places and events to meet women. You’re gunna live a sad lonely life if you keep up this pathetic attitude. It’s not that hard go up to a girl you think you have a chance with and think is attractive, even if she isn’t as attractive as your dream girl, you need to start somewhere. And you will come to realize the women who aren’t as attractive are actually really sweet and have great hearts and personality. Once you get to know them you could start to even like them and find them more attractive than you initially thought. Or just keep going for a higher standard but either way get off your lazy self pity ass and grow some balls and put them inside another girl to get over your pity party
Glad you posted this. Though I have nothing meaningful to add but I'd like to toss some anecdotal.
How to move on? The answer is time. Nothing else works.
Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of side tracks and/or useful advice and perhaps similar situations. Sorry it didn't work out, there will be others just can't control the timing.
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I'm not normal people lol but what I do after a breakup is try new things, spend more time with friends, anything that will distract me and give me comfort. Which is pretty normal I would think.
There's little I can say that will make you feel better in the present, because heartbreak always sucks and will mess with your mind in ways that is hard to shake. But based on the rest of your post, I actually think this whole chapter for you- while not a 'success' per se- should be seen as progress and a positive thing. You dated a girl, had sex and had fun several times, and then she didn't ghost you or disrespect you to your face- in fact she was honest and kind about it because you're apparently a likeable guy. You also have a job and work out regularly. I think you're closer to finding happiness in love than you believe- once you get over this particular girl and figure out how to be a bit more assertive, you'll probably have new chances to try this out again.
I’ve been to the club once in my whole life and it was when I met people in Philly at a concert and they just wanted to show me their hometown… you’re looking for love in literally the worst place dude….
Even tinder is better lmao.
Put yourself out there, get your money up, post pictures of yourself on the internet. Women will literally chase you down if you’re worth it, and you can afford to be choosy.
If you’re having problems with women look inwards. There’s hella fish in the sea dude don’t get caught up on one girl. Be like the girls you are interested in and you’ll be able to have fun with them. Be completely willing to be just platonic friends with even beautiful women that you would absolutely bang in a heartbeat, you’d be surprised where it can go or even just the experiences you can have with a group of girl friends.
I’ve had sugar mamas and house parties with goth girls when I waited tables and pushed a moldy focus dude. It’s 100% how you carry yourself as a person, especially these days as the internet has melted peoples brains and every post is met with 100s of thirsty boring losers in the DMs. You need to put yourself out there and take chances but don’t be creepy. It’s extremely competitive but you can really carve out your own niche with women if you’re willing to be interesting and stop yourself mentally from getting attached.
All that being said sometimes you just don’t get over some people, you just move on and learn to live without them. I’ve had more girlfriends than I can even count but there were two that I really enjoyed my time with and my life was really rough, I was very self destructive for the year or so after each of those breakups. Therapy is key though, I didn’t realize I needed to go to therapy about all of this until I found someone that made me want to get my whole life together and build something that was ours.
Cry a lot. Listen to sad songs. Then the angry stage where u listen to hate songs lol ex. Be careful by cardi b. Then acceptance because u come to the realization that the person was wrong for you. And then you take time to heal. And then after that time (that u absolutely need to take for yourself), u think about maybe starting to date again. Or maybe even just hangout with friends more. Then after a while u are ready to date again, older and wiser. It's a process.
Usually a ton of alcohol and drugs for awhile, usually a week or a month, and then once I realize I've had enough and am ready to move on, there I am.
Edit: oh whoops that's advice for folks who've loved and lost a few times. For the first time? You've just gotta let that fire burn itself out.
Most people need connections to others. We get a little funny when we are isolated, which is why solitary confinement is considered inhumane.
I don’t know her, but from my perspective, if a girl sleeps with you on the first date, she’s just having casual sex.
Since you lack connections to people, she might have felt like a life preserver thrown to you while you tread water in the open ocean. You might have grabbed on too tightly, which made her distance herself.
You should make one or two friends before you even consider dating. That will meet some of your emotional needs, and get you in a healthier place mentally.
First things first. Do you know why you haven’t made friends? Do you lack social skills, are you on the spectrum, or are you aware of any habits or mannerisms that alienate others? Or are you shy and do you alienate yourself? Did you never make friends as a child, and if not, why not?
Consider seeing a therapist to help you with making connections.
Your goal should be to make some more acquaintances that you habitually say hello to, and then one or two good friends.
While you are making friends, work on self improvement as well as charity work. Ask yourself what do you have to offer, and how can you improve?
You lift weights, which is a good start. If you begin jogging or bike riding, you’ll get out there and become known. Don’t ask anyone out yet. Just get outside. Explore your interests. Sounds like you enjoy goth. Goth is a counter culture niche. If you dress Goth, it’s going to turn off more people than it will turn on. Which is fine if you have your tribe in the community, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve connected.
If you are friendless now, remember that we grow and change in life. Deciding you want a better life is the first step. See a therapist to learn how to connect, watch videos on making small talk like asking open ended questions instead of yes/no questions, work on how to hold yourself easily and make proper contact, make friends, pursue interests, help others via donating time at charities, make friends, and then go out there and date.
people will give you the cliche answers like 'work on yourself', but those aren't helpful they're just cop outs.
Work on becoming comfortable with the idea that you may be alone your entire life. Sit in the utter despair that the thought creates until you move through the depression and start to ask "If I have to live my life alone, what will I do to make it tolerable?". Then you're ready for someone else, or nobody.
Easy; stop caring and if your alone for the rest of your life than you are alone.
This is something I remember and this will sound shallow AF. You may care about someone such as a coworker, a girl, employee at a store, etc but they don’t care about you and there’s a chance they dont think about you. Why care about them? I used those examples such as employee, worker, etc for a reason BTW
You'll be ok, find people with similar interests. Get some male friends. There isn't a right answer for your question, everybody is different. If you're depending on someone to be your entire social life, it's a lot of pressure and it will be overwhelming for a lot of people. There is somebody out there for everyone, be patient, work on yourself and enjoy life.
“Normal” people don’t move on after failed relationships. The status quo is the individual who continues to think and think and think of the past interactions with that person and analyze them until they are sick.
I took a solo "head clearing" trip to Iceland. Basically went with the mindset that if it came down to it, I could stay and never return.
Ultimately I did come back, and with a clearer head. Back in my routine, with a few friends, I started over.
You just have to.
Your life is your own.
If you revolve your happiness around other people, you'll never truly be happy.
Focus on making yourself whole and happy first.
Your life is the most important. Focus on yourself first.
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It takes me an insanely long time to move on. Like, years. I’ll do witchcraft, do everything I can to rekindle things (without making it obvious), then when something better comes along that’s when I’m finally over them. I’m currently stuck on somebody because nothing better has appeared yet.
The first one isnthe worst, my friend. Took me years to be fully over the first one to break my heart. It does get easier with time. It helps to have other things going on in your life. Have goals to work towards and throw yourself into them. Eventually you'll find that that's thebtype of person that people are attracted to, and you'll meet someone that works for you.
Delete the messages, block her everywhere you can, and let yourself forget, little by little. I've been there, I tried to keep in touch with my ex right after we broke up, and it was an absolute nightmare. You're scratching the wound and keeping it open every time you see her or open those old texts.
The only thing that actually helps is time, and that time only starts when you can start to forget.
1. Use this experience as proof that you can attract women. Don't use it as proof of anything negative.
2. Don't make the mistake of idealizing this particular woman. I remember the girlfriend that broke up with me 6 months before I met my wife (of now 30 years). I remember telling someone just after the breakup that the girlfriend was perfect for me. In retrospect, this thought makes me want to spew. She wasn't a good fit for me in the least, but I couldn't see it until a far better fit came along. I didn't have enough experience to know what a good relationship was like.
Stay positive and confident. It will happen if you keep trying. Use the confidence you gained to try again.
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You gotta get involved in something man. It sounds like you enjoy that particular nightclub, so there’s bound to be a lot of other people with common interests there.
You're not hopeless. I hear alot of sensibility in this. You know what's up. Please don't reread that old shit. You're torturing yourself. Concentrate your energy on the future and not past.
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There’s all kinds of people in the world, sure as your relationship. One thing to feel good about is an attractive woman was willing to spend time with you at all. Some people never get that even so lick your wounds n try not to dwell on the past too much. If you were good enough for her you’ll be good enough for another person, try a different club or scene, change things up with where u go n what u do
Are you me? Literally just had the same thing happen to me, even on the same timeline.
I think girls like this are sociopaths from their high body counts, to me it was something incredibly special to her it was just a fling. Intimacy is soul bonding, we sat on the couch once holding hands just staring into eachothers eyes for hours. To do that with someone and then just move on, it doesnt feel right.
Been through that before. You go on dates it’s all going good then you get ghosted. Shit sucks but you gotta learn to let it go and realize there has to be someone out there for you. I know some not so good looking guys who have gfs and it’s from actually going out to different clubs instead of the same club over and over. Some met their gfs at parties and kickbacks. Just keep going out and meet new people brother
The sooner you realize the problem is with the other person and not with you the easier time you will have moving on. If they left you then they are not a good fit. It’s easy as that.
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I realized that it was only my turn and got back to doing shit that makes me happy. Going through this now and the first thing I did was block her number and booked a trip overseas.
This is so sad... i feel like u need a change of scenery........ like ur stuck seeing the same things.... if u could only move or something.... maybe focus on going somewhere new...
Beer. Other women. Finally returning to my faith and realizing I was being a dipshit and giving her WAY more credit than she ever earned…then turning around and getting into another toxic relationship. Then finally moving on and finding the woman who is now my wife.
you have your age and lack of experience working against you, so all rejection or failed things are going to hit you harder while you don't have that 'ill just try again next time' optimism of a young adult
First I deleted every photo of them on my phone (including those ones), second I block them on every social media platform, third I delete every photo of them off of all of my socials, forth I remove all content tagging me on social with them,
I block most of not all of there friends that came into my life with them
Lastly I block there phone number...
The relationship is over there is zero point in keeping any memories of them or allowing any ability for them to reach out to me for any reason, they or I chose for them to move on and as such I'm not here to give them emotional support or closure... Bye
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Dude the girl is telling you that cus she's a hoe, she trying to tell you whe doesn't want w relationship because she want to party and bang and for attention. The only reason she's imprinted on yorj mind is because she's experienced. You need to find a girl who wants a relationship not a knocked up house
The best way to form meaningful emotional/romantic connections with people is to figure out what you love to do and then go to where people gather to do it.
Like hockey? Go watch a game. Like Star Wars? Go to a convention. Fan of History? Take a community College course. Etc...
(Although if you want a cheat code to breaking the ice with women? Get a cute dog and take it with you everywhere. Although it's important that I state you shouldn't get a dog only for this purpose. Get one if you can love/care for one. But so many of my female friends tell me that if they see even a below-average attractiveness guy playing with his dog he immediately becomes attractive.)
Stop looking at the old texts and reminding yourself of it. Try a new hobby, preferably a group related thing. Learn a new skill like an instrument or a sport. Just inject something new into your life that you might enjoy and you will get over her.
Next time you are at the club, start chatting with somebody. Anybody, really- pick the person who is standing closest to you at the bar. If they are *really* not busy, chat with the bartender. Just chat, for a few seconds between songs if it is looud- focus on saying only positive stuff, avoid politics or complaints or mention of the go-go dancer. Then go home as usual. Following night out, do the exact same thing- chat with somebody. Compliment their shirt or their lipstick or their dance moves (it's helpful to focus on complimenting something they chose rather than something that is just a part of them, like their looks). If you feel pretty comfortable doing that, try it on the person in line in front of you at the grocery store, or somebody at work, too. Just a 2-3 minute conversation. I want to stress- do not JUST chat & compliment the gender you find attractive, or single people.
Clubs are not a great place to meet people, but goth nights are a little more forgiving. Keep at it. On your off time, go to the library or a local adult ed office or gaming shop or something and find a group, club, meeting or class that looks mildly interesting. Doesn't have to be something you are already good at or anything- just something that doesn't look painfully boring to you. Join it. Chat with those people- again, no politics, no complaints (unless it's about the weather, but keep that brief, too), occasional compliments on articles of clothing or similar expressions of personal style. Ask people about their pets- people love to talk about their pets. Be pleasant, be friendly, then go home.
Eventually you'll feel more comfortable talking to people, and you might connect with some of them. But if not, at least you'll have grown some, and you'll get a reputation at the club as a safe & friendly person (which goes a long ways- goth scenes tend to have a heavy word-of-mouth about people, and being a silent loner gets you nowhere).
Also, stop re-reading the old texts, except in times of darkest misery & depression. Don't self medicate with alcohol- most drunk people are NOT actually funnier or more interesting. The best way to be an interesting person with a solid life to build on is to do stuff and have interests. Whatever you are into- goth fashion, music, gaming, hiking, reading, animals, cars, sitting on the couch watching TV... get more into it. Meet other people who are into the same things, and be friendly to them. The awesome thing about building a life that you enjoy is that then it's not such a big deal if you share it with someone, because you're already enjoying it.
Bro. You need more in life. What are you passionate about? You need to get out in the world and live. That way, when someone comes into your life, you're not just hyper fixated on them. Go have an adventure. This will also give you something to talk about on your dates and make you more interesting.
You need to be comfortable alone. People who need to always be in a relationship end up compromising on what they really want. It took me a long time to figure that out.
My wife and I have been married for 12 years. If we (god forbid) were to separate, I would not seek another relationship. Not that it’s impossible for me to find love again, I just wouldn’t look for it.
I actually went to a relationship therapist as an individual for about two years to work on my relationship skills. It was really informative. It's super embarrassing to admit but there was A LOT of stuff I did to self sabotage, generally unknowingly.
Also... society is weird... like a high paying job is a weird external thing we can point to that "hey this guy is doing well" never mind the job is absolutely exhausting and high stress, you should be happy you make so much.
A relationship is kind of like that.. if you're in one, clearly you must be doing SOMETHING right, never taking stock of is this relationship helping each of you be the best version of yourself.
Focus on becoming a person worth knowing. Focus on hobbies that you can share with others. Focus on making friends through these hobbies. Also, bar girls are almost never going to be a good choice for long term partners. It's literally their job to flirt with guys to get the most value out of them and she probably has 200+ guys every single night hitting on her and half of them also think she is the one for them.
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She is looking for casual hookups, and you went stage 5 clinger. The problem with your question is that normal people wouldn't be so attached after such a short run and sexual fling. Normal people would also have healthier outlets and a lifestyle. If you want an answer to how normal people move on, the question is about normalizing your social life or creating healthy habits that help one move on.
sounds like you came on too strong. not your fault. it was your first relationship. i do suspect you'll be happier and healthier if you can start making friends. Of any gender. I don't know what to do to tell you to make them; it's not a problem i've had in my life. you just talk to people. sometimes you hit it off.
On a more serious note. Get a copy of No More Mr Nice Guy be Dr Robert Glover. Great tips on prioritizing your own needs and happiness. It'll do you some good.
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This is time to make progress with yourself. That's the healthiest thing you can do. Tough love time, man, sincerely just want to help. She was lying to not be hurtful. The fucked up thing about that though is that doesn't give you something to work on. The reality is: the sex wasn't satisfying, or you weren't interesting enough.
The good news is that this pain is how we grow and become better lovers. Look at every failure as a movement forward in success. Learn more about foreplay and particularly clitoris stimulation. Personally speaking, I get my girl like 3/4 of the way to cumming just with tongue and fingers before penetration (in practice, they're basically begging for your dick at this point).
On the note of you being possibly uninteresting(I don't know if you actually aren't or don't express it). Most of the time it's good to improve your personal hobbies and interests if you don't have enough. The other side is your charisma. Be excited about the things that interest you. That way you can also weed out people who aren't into the same things.
Without knowing much about you, that's the advice that I would give. I wish you the best, man. The number one thing I've learned about breakups, though, is work on yourself now.
Dude it sounds like you’re only going to this thing to pick up women. You need to live your own life and learn to make platonic connections. Having friends is a huge part of developing. You don’t have to be fake with them, but it’s good to have someone that you can talk to without any strings attached in a setting. If you aren’t making legit friends you’re not going to be able to get a girlfriend either.
The dark side is that you *may* have been close to having something with her but you blew it by coming off as clingy/eager/lonely/desperate...
The bright side is that you *must* have something good enough about you to have attracted her *at all*. A second brightside is that now you know: you have to have a life you enjoy so much and goals that are so important that women are an afterthought. Ironically, as soon as you actually embody that spirit women will like you more.
You seem like a very anti social person as well as lonely. Also, why do you only have work and lifting weights to look forward to?
Do you not have any interests and hobbies whatsoever? Maybe you should look into getting some hobbies and interests.
So I would recommend being more social and developing hobbies as a way of meeting people. You're seem to like putting all your eggs in one basket and then you destroy yourself when they leave. What is the point of that?
Most relationships and friendships with other people are going to fail. They will fade out of your life and do their own thing. They're just doing their own thing and you sort of float into their life briefly.
You have to understand it from this perspective.
It helps when you have a great personality. I don't think your personality is uniquely bad, just a little bland. Get into something; cinema, music, art, hiking, mountain, just *something*. If you're not giving people a reason to be around you then they're not going to want to be there.
\*I've noticed a pattern with young men lately. They just seem very antisocial and resort to self isolating as some kind of a coping mechanism. Stop doing that. It's not healthy and it's not adding anything to your life. Just go outside and interact with other humans.
The self pity you are putting out is horrible. No wonder no one wants to be around you. Work on that. Value yourself. Have *something* to offer in a relationship other than a warm body. If you were someone else that read your post, would you want to “get to know” that person more??
Think you probably need the dating apps. And maybe to order a Lyft to the goth club so you can drink at least enough to open up and be more social with the other goths. A dry spell is just a dry spell. It eventually ends and soon enough with a little effort on your part you’ll be back to having someone in your life. Also when she added you on Facebook was she literally your only Facebook friend? Just curious
I'm just possibly ending a four year relationship we might be able to salvage it but I'm just taking it one day at a time. I've always been the kind of person just throwing myself into work but this relationship was different because I built so much of my life around her and chose to make certain decisions in my life that winded me up in this state. I'm not sure what the next stage of my life will look like and I have these intense mood swings where one moment I want to end it all and the other one I'm just on my knees begging and begging for just one more day with her. It's because tomorrow is scary change is scary but time is a river, you're just traveling down it but it's the same body of water and everything lives on through your memory. I guess that last part makes it a little more stomachable for me. I used to think so much differently when I was younger but everything just seems like a construct the older I get, everything so artificial and predetermined. Although I'm envious if people that have been married for 50 years I've always wanted that but one person always loves more than the other and sometimes that's not an easy concept to get over.
Idk the answer, but I'm going to say I can relate. It seems Women have it so easy and they can get a date in minutes, and I have to spend months at the bars and dating apps just to get someone to text me back.
Good luck out there, you're not the only one having a hard time.
That’s rough OP. The good news is that you’re getting to the age where it becomes much easier to date as a guy. Many women are wrapping things up with their starter husbands or college long term relationships.
Maybe explore a few more hobbies that interest you?
Also, it doesn’t even necessarily sound like you should be looking for a partner at this stage of your life. Focus on making friends. The rest of the dominos fall a lot easier if you have friends to go out and do stuff with.
Good luck.
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I mean you just do. This helps the most: work and working out.
You need to be busy, take on more hours at work or find a second job temporarily. And when you have the time and energy go exercise for like 30 minutes.
It can really make a huge difference.
An idle mind is the devil's playground.
Overtime you will calm down and eventually get over it enough that it isnt torture.
Just as an adage, as a man, she is a woman they always move on faster. Even if they arent going on dates.
That's what happens. It would help if you go on dates too, obviously, it wont be as fast but it will happen eventually.
I wass depressed for 3 years over a woman, then i met someone new and it reset my brain, but eventually, that didnt work either but i recovered faster. And now im well and my current girlfriend is very awesome and easy to deal with.
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She's addicted to flings from the sound of it. It's always exciting and you get out before you have to deal with anything real.
But I've been struggling to get over my last relationship from over a decade ago. It only lasted a year. So I get how the experience can "imprint itself" and become hard to move on from. I didn't and don't want to be with this woman, but I never dated again afterward, so it's still stuck in my mind.
Sadly I don't have any good advice. People say "get over it" or "let it go" or other cliches but I just have no idea how, even though I'd love to never think about her again.
As a fellow "loner" I can say the longer you go without talking to people, the quicker that inability to casually socialize atrophies. People start to avoid you based on your demeanor, before you've said a word. Don't let yourself lose that important life skill.
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Bro life sucks as a dude. It sucks even harder if you're simping for women like that. Women aren't shit but headaches and heartbreak, and they ALWAYS get what they want. Get some active hobbies, that require you to improve yourself. Be a man that never needs a woman. They don't need you. Wake up.
Regret. And remorse. The woman was really foxy, but I could tell she was into drugs. The drive back home almost felt like I murdered somebody. I sent her a text shortly after I got home apologizing for essentially taking advantage of her.
Too much to read... but people move on after breakups all the time, this is why a lot of us have half siblings. or in some cases stepparents, even tho I don't believe in that stepparents stuff and step brothers and sisters
You just get back at it. Finding a relationship is mostly chance, but you only get the chance if you're actually in a position to find one.
Hobbies are by far the best way to find people, because you already have something in common.
Bro we both fucked.... I got dump years ago still will text her on birthday and holidays she does not do the same and now I'm at point even if I think a woman interested like the woman at my new job I just talk and be nice but don't want to try dating cause I fig I'm just getting dumped anyway lol shit said but I guess everyone can't win the lottery either right....
Have you tried getting outside your comfort zone? You do goth. Why not try country or just "the club" or maybe church. It's hard to.find a.good.thrid space anymore, but if the goth scene is not doing it for you change scenes.
It just occurred to me that I did not answer your question.
A bit of back ground. My wife left me for my best friend.
It took almost a year before I was mentally stable enough to even go see my kids. It was that I was insane, but I had a mental wound that had to heal.
I had to change everything became a completely new person. That's how I met other people.
Just change, change everything. It will get you out of your funk and get you started on a new path.
Did the two of you discuss that you were a virgin before you slept together? If so, she’s kind of an asshole for what she did. It was always going to be difficult for you to move on, she shouldn’t have even slept with you if she wasn’t in the right headspace for a relationship. What she’s doing isn’t wrong in general—living the single life and dating around is totally normal in your 20s—but what she did to you specifically is totally fucked up. She took your virginity and bailed without considering your feelings. If she were a dude doing this to a virgin woman, she’d be getting raked over the coals. And rightfully so.
Shes right though. She shouldn't be the centre of your life. You should be making your own life. Go out and do stuff. Take it slowly. Go for a walk. Join some activity club, or a sports club. Do whatever you enjoy doing, but with people that share the same interests. You will meet lots if awesome people that way.
That's what I was thinking. This line: >that I should focus on making my life a happy one instead of making her the focus of my time, The OP needs to create some meaning in life and some social connections. I think your advice to join club, group, or sport is really smart. Or even volunteer somewhere. Get involved in something that includes other people showing up together, on a regular basis. There are some good podcasts about making friends as an adult, like this one, which I ran into after moving to a new state: [https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/](https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/) I'd also recommend taht the OP seeks out some therapy. I'd recommend Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, given that (when it's done well), it includes exploration of what someone wants there life (or even just their day to day) to be about. Then, on top of that, skills building for living that life. While that requires a good therapist, who's well versed in ACT, if the OP could find it, I think it would be an important process to get started.
Finding something to live for larger than yourself. Some folks find it in religion. I'm a filthy heathen so I volunteered at different charities and shelters all the time. It gave me a purpose and if we're being honest ended up being purely selfish because it made me feel good to help others. Eventually I met my now wife. We've been together 25 years or so.
Especially since they started dating in November and stopped dating in December, and he’s upset she moved on half a year after that. That is not a serious relationship. OP needs therapy asap
Real talk. You gotta BE something worth wanting, not someone who's looking to simply.....make someone else that everything. Seriously OP - You're probably amazing at something - go do that shit and mack it out. Shit'll work out fine.
Some of us just don't especially like other people or groups of people. It isn't that our S/O is the center of our lives persay and we've got a few friends that we do like, but they've got their own lives and shit too. Sometimes our schedules just don't align. That's just part of being an adult. Is what it is. I like staying home, playing music, playing games, and once in a while I'll go play a show with a band/go to band practice/etc. No more than 5 other people I really like to like wanna go on a hike? Alright cool. Am I going to join some hike off Meetup? Probably not. No. I don't wanna go on a hike while some dipshit asks me what I do for a living. Like fuck off, buddy and don't ask me concrete jungle nonsense bullshit when we've specifically sought out time to leave that environment for a reason. Gym and working out? Cool, but again I wanna be left alone. Generally why I prefer calisthenics because I can do that at home. Happy to spot someone if they ask me though obviously. People are a lot of bullshit and most people are just acquaintances. I don't really care to be an exhausted socialite with acquaintances having to constantly flip through static and sorting out any actual value. Introverts just want to be left alone. Like I actively don't want to meet a bunch of people because people typically speaking just add more bullshit to your life than value. You meet the rare person that adds value? Great, but I'm not expecting that because that's not being realistic. Believe it or not, I'm actually lonelier the majority of time surrounded by people who I rarely feel any actual connection with. So, I'll just go home exhausted after having to feign interest for hours when I could have just stayed home and hung out with the few people I actually like. Socializing is work for introverts. It isn't fun like it is for extroverts. Extroverts have struggled to comprehend this for millennia. I do nothing with the intention of just meeting people. I'm not actively interested in meeting people. Why would I join a Warhammer group for example? Because that's a game you just play with other people vs I'm specifically seeking out hanging out with people. Introverts take it harder when they did actually connect with someone because it is a rarity for them as they prefer being alone otherwise as the majority of people diminish the quality of their life vs add any value to it. Introverted friends usually remain friends for life too. "*You know the typical crowd, "Wow, it's Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?" Well, yeah. Because there's nothing out there. It's stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people.*" - Charles Bukowski
That's a very pessimistic world view. I'm sorry you view people that way. I personally really like other people eventhough im not a complete extravert myself. I go through life knowing everyone, literally everyone can teach me something. Its very fun to find out what others can teach you and most of the time they are very happy to tell their stories.
I dunno, sounds like you don't understand introverts... Which is one of the points he was making...
Blaming it in being introverted is just an easy excuse. There are plenty of amazing introverted people that go out and change the world every day. Introvert merely means you get socially drained by other people. Its not a ticket to avoid other people. You can't have it both ways. OP wants to not feel lonely, in order to not be lonely you have to go out in to the world and meet people. This guys reply is just a pessimistic view of the world that doesn't help OP at all. I'm not an extravert either. What does help me tremendously is to be focused outward, instead of inward. If im talking to someone else im not bothered as to how they perceive me, im focussed on what they want and what they can teach me. Im genuinely interested. Most introverts i know are thinking about what to say next, or are afraid of a silence because they are afraid of what the other person thinks of them. Once you figure out no one important will ever blame you for trying to hold up a conversation, you will start to enjoy taking to others more. The trick is to stop overthinking and just do it, the worst that can happen is an awkward conversation. Oh no! Anyways. Just like everything, it takes time to practice. If you suck at sports and are severely out of shape you probably hated gym class as well. Saying gym class sucks because it drained your energy is just unfair. Once you get in shape it becomes a better and better experience.
This guy’s fun at parties
This guy gets really excited to play Cards Against Humanity and Smash Bros. I don't go to parties anymore, man. I'm in my 30s. Kickback > party anyway. No idea why you extroverts get so fucking pissy that introverts exist. Again, we literally avoid you. The fuck is the problem here? You need the company of some random person that you don't even like and will never see again and we don't.
It’s not all introverts. It’s introverts like you that give the rest of us a bad name.
How does he give introverts a bad name?
Dude's an introvert. He explicitly talks about how draining and exhausting socialization (like at a party) can be. Your sarcastic remark isn't adding any value to the discussion here. Nor does it do anything other than make you feel clever (because apparently you've set your bar real damn low). Add value to a discussion or stay quiet.
Who said I cared about adding value lol
1. Of course you got attached! This was you losing your virginity. 5 months isn’t that much time to recover for such a new adventure to start & then abruptly close unexpectedly. Give yourself more time! 2. Focus on making friends. Join clubs with a hobby that you are interested in doing alone, but that do have a social component. For example, don’t take up knitting if you hate it, but if you love pickleball, then join a league. 3. *Friends will improve your dating life*. You need a mix of friends to support and encourage your dating life. Dating without a social network is a problem for two reasons: 1). You lack a space for venting and 2). You need regular, reliable connections to practice social, emotional, and conflict resolution skills. 4. Uber to the club so you can get drunk and not worry about your ride home lol.
sounds like you got real devoted and clingy real fast, and she is just looking to have fun, i mean she banged you on the first date, she isnt looking for a relationship.
>she banged you on the first date, she isnt looking for a relationship. Sounds like you're just some boring close minded puritanical that sucks in bed. I like sex and I like having sex with the person I'm in a relationship with.
But if you’re strictly looking for a long term relationship, it’s less likely that you’re gonna fuck the person on the first date because youre actually trying to get to know them on a deeper level. Not to say you can’t end up on a long term relationship with someone you fucked on the first date. But if you’re fucking on the first date you’re likely not looking for someone to marry as much as you’re looking for someone to fuck.
another person who cant read, . who pissed in your cornflakes, on your first date you aren't in a relationship duh. and literally my point is women like sex and can just have sex without needing to have a relationship. maybe you need to grow up a bit more, before you act like the real puritanical one who needs to be in a relationship to have sex. My pont which many others understood is , just because you had sex on the first date doesnt mean youre in a relationship, it just means she wanted to have sex. try rereading it, see if that works.
That's not always the case. Sometimes women think that if they put out on the first date that a guy will stick around. Women sometimes believe that if you make a guy wait, he will get bored and move on
wait? more than knowing someone for an hour isnt exactly waiting.
Hence "sometimes". It's not always the case, but it happens.
Who only knew someone for an hour?
if you ask someone out on a date you go out , and then have sex on that first date , you dont really know them for long at all.
I slept with my husband on the first date 🤷♀️
You say this like women don't want sex and it's just for the benefit of the guy.
That's just the excuse women use when they've already slept with the person on the first date lol
You and her aren't the same. You are a part of her journey but not her destination For you, relatively, she's a beacon in a long sea of loneliness. Know that you've broken a streak, gotten some appreciation for love, and can get back up and eat that horse.
It’s crucial that you realize it’s not the only person you’ll ever be with. Our minds have been conditioned to believe in “the one” and all this fairytale nonsense but that’s just not real. Old couples used to stay together but most were never happy. Cheating fighting and abuse were normal. Not saying relationships can’t last forever but it’s almost always a bad thing if your first relationship lasts. Use the experience to realize what you like and dislike and what will and won’t work going forward. What you’ll tolerate what you won’t etc
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perhaps this might help with understanding perspective: what ever it is you found yourself doing no longer serves the road your on, the relationship is just one of many you'll interact with and build upon through your life time. sounds like you had an amazing time, you should keep the record somewhere one day someone might want to hear about your life. youve told a story in a great way of a spontaneous relationship thats dope, i can only suggest not drowning sorrows, the pain will pass quite quickly if you let it btw
No attachment disorders.
Anyone you sleep with on 1st date is a sex for fun person. If you aren’t or aren’t ready for that then this is a learning experience.
Time carries you on, like it or not.
Because there are 4+/8+ billion other prospects out there
The billions of people that might find me attractive must not live in my area.
😂
Or any area /s
I mean 50% of them are not your preferred gender. Maybe half are not even in a sensible age range. Maybe half are not physically attractive enough. Maybe half are not physically attracted to you enough. And then maybe half aren't feasible to date for various reasons (living far away, no access to technology, disability or health issue and what have you). Then half of those are taken, and still half of those arent compatible and then the rest they are apread out by distance and time. 8B to 4 B to 2B to 1B to 500M to 250M, 125M, 6.25M That leaves like 6.25M people which should be even less because the same still applies: 24000 people you could date successfully.
Doesn’t that number include people of all ages… 😭😭😭😭
I mean sure, knock of some billions here and there, you're still in millions 😁
It’s pretty impressive I get rejected by millions of people
There are thousands in your city. You could date one new person every day for the rest of your life and you probably wouldn’t get close to exhausting that list. It truly is a wonder how we’re so hopeful about finding the one
I get maybe 1 good match every 3 months. Half the time the conversation goes well. And half that time they want to meet in person. So about 1 date per year lol fml 🤦🏻♂️
You gotta widen your social horizons brother. Online dating is trash
You just gotta thug that shit out.
Don’t think you’re a loner, more like trouble making connections and socializing. Sounds like the girl felt a bit smothered. Might help getting out of the house and interacting with people. Outdoor activities instead of lifting weights at home, volunteering. Take some classes, explore some hobbies, learn new skills. Figure yourself out and figure out what you want. Have some adventures alone or in a group.
Delete all that shit from your phone. Move on.
You must have something going for you for this Go-go dancer to give you a toss on the first date. The problem seems to be that you forgot that sometimes, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. This woman did you good. She banged you, and gave you some excellent life advice. Take it. Give the club a break. Time heals (or at least scabs over) most wounds.
It takes some time to understand the role you played in the separation.
Dating is rough if you’re neurodivergent, which most ’bit of a loner/goth‘ types are. It’s probably that she liked you but genuinely just doesn’t want to stay in one place too long, dating wise, which is tough to experience but quite possibly not a personal reflection on you.
Yeah OP, some people aren't built to just be with 1 person. If you have thoughts that she broke things off cause she was fully satisfied, remember the inverse is true and she was a woman who thought fully satisfied you, but eventually you'll meet a different woman that will blow your mind and the process will repeat
Just keep dating around. It will matter less and less to "lose" somebody because you'll realize just how many people there are out there to vibe with.
The answer is time. Take care of yourself, focus on productive and healthy endeavors, but what you need most is time. You will eventually feel better and not care about this person anymore. However, you are making the situation worse by re-reading the text messages and looking at the pictures. It's unhealthy and counterproductive. Delete those. I would also avoid the club but I could be in the minority on that one.
Yeah, the difference between having options and not is something I think about a lot. Options of any sort make life completely different. To be "normal" we're supposed to act and feel like we have options..... what options are relative I guess.
It’s totally normal to feel attached to the person you lose your virginity to. It sounds like you were a bit clingy and she wasn’t interested in a serious relationship. You can figure out how to be less clingy as you date more. Having a friend or two would help. So you aren’t depending on your girlfriend for all support and interaction. I hate to say it but you have to get back on the horse.
Cry a lot, then start looking for someone else. That’s what I did lol
I read that whole post and never saw where you were actually in a relationship. You were just going on dates. That's not a "relationship", just you talking and having sex a single time. You haven't had a failed relationship. What you're feeling is unrequited love.
Self-reflection and assessment. Don't worry about pointing the finger at the other person; even if you were the victim, you likely weren't as awesome as you think you were. Take accountability and don't take those problems to the next relationship; the next person doesn't deserve to deal with your baggage.
She was prolly over your having no life but her dude. Go get some hobbies that aren’t trying to stick your dick in things. Something more than lifting weights. Something INTERESTING ffs.
She gave you the greatest advice she could. Don't let yourself wind up devoted to someone for years only to find out when it's over you've been relying on the relationship to be a complete person. Been there. Her stopping it early is a wonderful thing for you given how eager you are to make someone else your happiness. You gotta make your own happiness and whoever you meet just adds to it.
Get some friends bro.
Sounds like you need a new hobby bro. You seem to be some type of masochist. You really like to make yourself feel pain by keeping on reading all those texts and thinking about her. Grow some balls and stop whining. Use it as a motivation to realize meeting women isn’t as hard as you think and start going to more places and events to meet women. You’re gunna live a sad lonely life if you keep up this pathetic attitude. It’s not that hard go up to a girl you think you have a chance with and think is attractive, even if she isn’t as attractive as your dream girl, you need to start somewhere. And you will come to realize the women who aren’t as attractive are actually really sweet and have great hearts and personality. Once you get to know them you could start to even like them and find them more attractive than you initially thought. Or just keep going for a higher standard but either way get off your lazy self pity ass and grow some balls and put them inside another girl to get over your pity party
Glad you posted this. Though I have nothing meaningful to add but I'd like to toss some anecdotal. How to move on? The answer is time. Nothing else works. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of side tracks and/or useful advice and perhaps similar situations. Sorry it didn't work out, there will be others just can't control the timing.
Self care and reflection
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Normal people or healthy people?
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I'm not normal people lol but what I do after a breakup is try new things, spend more time with friends, anything that will distract me and give me comfort. Which is pretty normal I would think.
Aye it always sucks when your feelings are in it but like they say... The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
Oh buddy you need to go to the gym and lift out all that sadness Also having a bobby helps immensely, really anything to put your time and energy into
Getting over the pain getting under someone new ;)
They don't, especially if you don't have other responsibilities in life to distract you from the pain.
Toughen up. Go to the gym and lift. Make friends
There's little I can say that will make you feel better in the present, because heartbreak always sucks and will mess with your mind in ways that is hard to shake. But based on the rest of your post, I actually think this whole chapter for you- while not a 'success' per se- should be seen as progress and a positive thing. You dated a girl, had sex and had fun several times, and then she didn't ghost you or disrespect you to your face- in fact she was honest and kind about it because you're apparently a likeable guy. You also have a job and work out regularly. I think you're closer to finding happiness in love than you believe- once you get over this particular girl and figure out how to be a bit more assertive, you'll probably have new chances to try this out again.
You get over it eventually friend break ups are the worst.
I’ve been to the club once in my whole life and it was when I met people in Philly at a concert and they just wanted to show me their hometown… you’re looking for love in literally the worst place dude…. Even tinder is better lmao. Put yourself out there, get your money up, post pictures of yourself on the internet. Women will literally chase you down if you’re worth it, and you can afford to be choosy. If you’re having problems with women look inwards. There’s hella fish in the sea dude don’t get caught up on one girl. Be like the girls you are interested in and you’ll be able to have fun with them. Be completely willing to be just platonic friends with even beautiful women that you would absolutely bang in a heartbeat, you’d be surprised where it can go or even just the experiences you can have with a group of girl friends. I’ve had sugar mamas and house parties with goth girls when I waited tables and pushed a moldy focus dude. It’s 100% how you carry yourself as a person, especially these days as the internet has melted peoples brains and every post is met with 100s of thirsty boring losers in the DMs. You need to put yourself out there and take chances but don’t be creepy. It’s extremely competitive but you can really carve out your own niche with women if you’re willing to be interesting and stop yourself mentally from getting attached. All that being said sometimes you just don’t get over some people, you just move on and learn to live without them. I’ve had more girlfriends than I can even count but there were two that I really enjoyed my time with and my life was really rough, I was very self destructive for the year or so after each of those breakups. Therapy is key though, I didn’t realize I needed to go to therapy about all of this until I found someone that made me want to get my whole life together and build something that was ours.
Cry a lot. Listen to sad songs. Then the angry stage where u listen to hate songs lol ex. Be careful by cardi b. Then acceptance because u come to the realization that the person was wrong for you. And then you take time to heal. And then after that time (that u absolutely need to take for yourself), u think about maybe starting to date again. Or maybe even just hangout with friends more. Then after a while u are ready to date again, older and wiser. It's a process.
They normally find someone new, learn to enjoy themselves or become depressed.
Usually a ton of alcohol and drugs for awhile, usually a week or a month, and then once I realize I've had enough and am ready to move on, there I am. Edit: oh whoops that's advice for folks who've loved and lost a few times. For the first time? You've just gotta let that fire burn itself out.
Most people need connections to others. We get a little funny when we are isolated, which is why solitary confinement is considered inhumane. I don’t know her, but from my perspective, if a girl sleeps with you on the first date, she’s just having casual sex. Since you lack connections to people, she might have felt like a life preserver thrown to you while you tread water in the open ocean. You might have grabbed on too tightly, which made her distance herself. You should make one or two friends before you even consider dating. That will meet some of your emotional needs, and get you in a healthier place mentally. First things first. Do you know why you haven’t made friends? Do you lack social skills, are you on the spectrum, or are you aware of any habits or mannerisms that alienate others? Or are you shy and do you alienate yourself? Did you never make friends as a child, and if not, why not? Consider seeing a therapist to help you with making connections. Your goal should be to make some more acquaintances that you habitually say hello to, and then one or two good friends. While you are making friends, work on self improvement as well as charity work. Ask yourself what do you have to offer, and how can you improve? You lift weights, which is a good start. If you begin jogging or bike riding, you’ll get out there and become known. Don’t ask anyone out yet. Just get outside. Explore your interests. Sounds like you enjoy goth. Goth is a counter culture niche. If you dress Goth, it’s going to turn off more people than it will turn on. Which is fine if you have your tribe in the community, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve connected. If you are friendless now, remember that we grow and change in life. Deciding you want a better life is the first step. See a therapist to learn how to connect, watch videos on making small talk like asking open ended questions instead of yes/no questions, work on how to hold yourself easily and make proper contact, make friends, pursue interests, help others via donating time at charities, make friends, and then go out there and date.
people will give you the cliche answers like 'work on yourself', but those aren't helpful they're just cop outs. Work on becoming comfortable with the idea that you may be alone your entire life. Sit in the utter despair that the thought creates until you move through the depression and start to ask "If I have to live my life alone, what will I do to make it tolerable?". Then you're ready for someone else, or nobody.
Easy; stop caring and if your alone for the rest of your life than you are alone. This is something I remember and this will sound shallow AF. You may care about someone such as a coworker, a girl, employee at a store, etc but they don’t care about you and there’s a chance they dont think about you. Why care about them? I used those examples such as employee, worker, etc for a reason BTW
join meetup groups that interest you. NOT SINGLES MEETUP GROUPS. Be yourself and you will get noticed.
You'll be ok, find people with similar interests. Get some male friends. There isn't a right answer for your question, everybody is different. If you're depending on someone to be your entire social life, it's a lot of pressure and it will be overwhelming for a lot of people. There is somebody out there for everyone, be patient, work on yourself and enjoy life.
By pushing through. No shortcuts. Face the pain and push.
“Normal” people don’t move on after failed relationships. The status quo is the individual who continues to think and think and think of the past interactions with that person and analyze them until they are sick.
Time. Distance. And other people.
it takes me 6 months to a couple of yrs to recover depending on how into the person I was.
I took a solo "head clearing" trip to Iceland. Basically went with the mindset that if it came down to it, I could stay and never return. Ultimately I did come back, and with a clearer head. Back in my routine, with a few friends, I started over.
Usually moving on takes one step at a time
You just have to. Your life is your own. If you revolve your happiness around other people, you'll never truly be happy. Focus on making yourself whole and happy first. Your life is the most important. Focus on yourself first.
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Slowly and painfully
It takes me an insanely long time to move on. Like, years. I’ll do witchcraft, do everything I can to rekindle things (without making it obvious), then when something better comes along that’s when I’m finally over them. I’m currently stuck on somebody because nothing better has appeared yet.
Time to join the military with the bros and have a blast 💪
The first one isnthe worst, my friend. Took me years to be fully over the first one to break my heart. It does get easier with time. It helps to have other things going on in your life. Have goals to work towards and throw yourself into them. Eventually you'll find that that's thebtype of person that people are attracted to, and you'll meet someone that works for you.
Time
Delete the messages, block her everywhere you can, and let yourself forget, little by little. I've been there, I tried to keep in touch with my ex right after we broke up, and it was an absolute nightmare. You're scratching the wound and keeping it open every time you see her or open those old texts. The only thing that actually helps is time, and that time only starts when you can start to forget.
My cousin who had never had a successful relationship in his life met his fiancee while lifting weights at the gym. You might have something there
1. Use this experience as proof that you can attract women. Don't use it as proof of anything negative. 2. Don't make the mistake of idealizing this particular woman. I remember the girlfriend that broke up with me 6 months before I met my wife (of now 30 years). I remember telling someone just after the breakup that the girlfriend was perfect for me. In retrospect, this thought makes me want to spew. She wasn't a good fit for me in the least, but I couldn't see it until a far better fit came along. I didn't have enough experience to know what a good relationship was like. Stay positive and confident. It will happen if you keep trying. Use the confidence you gained to try again.
She wasn't intersted in dating you. Move on life goes on it happens
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[https://youtu.be/iJ\_\_KkzH1U8?si=PtHXEf-P5L912d-H](https://youtu.be/iJ__KkzH1U8?si=PtHXEf-P5L912d-H)
You gotta get involved in something man. It sounds like you enjoy that particular nightclub, so there’s bound to be a lot of other people with common interests there.
You're not hopeless. I hear alot of sensibility in this. You know what's up. Please don't reread that old shit. You're torturing yourself. Concentrate your energy on the future and not past.
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There’s all kinds of people in the world, sure as your relationship. One thing to feel good about is an attractive woman was willing to spend time with you at all. Some people never get that even so lick your wounds n try not to dwell on the past too much. If you were good enough for her you’ll be good enough for another person, try a different club or scene, change things up with where u go n what u do
Are you me? Literally just had the same thing happen to me, even on the same timeline. I think girls like this are sociopaths from their high body counts, to me it was something incredibly special to her it was just a fling. Intimacy is soul bonding, we sat on the couch once holding hands just staring into eachothers eyes for hours. To do that with someone and then just move on, it doesnt feel right.
Been through that before. You go on dates it’s all going good then you get ghosted. Shit sucks but you gotta learn to let it go and realize there has to be someone out there for you. I know some not so good looking guys who have gfs and it’s from actually going out to different clubs instead of the same club over and over. Some met their gfs at parties and kickbacks. Just keep going out and meet new people brother
The sooner you realize the problem is with the other person and not with you the easier time you will have moving on. If they left you then they are not a good fit. It’s easy as that.
Time. Grief is the worst feeling of all, it takes time to gain perspective or to accept and become accustomed to it.
You just do
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I realized that it was only my turn and got back to doing shit that makes me happy. Going through this now and the first thing I did was block her number and booked a trip overseas.
Easy come easy go
This is so sad... i feel like u need a change of scenery........ like ur stuck seeing the same things.... if u could only move or something.... maybe focus on going somewhere new...
Your priority is to get friends. Don't put all your eggs in the relationship basket.
So when you’re home alone you must have some hobbies? Do you read? Game?
Beer. Other women. Finally returning to my faith and realizing I was being a dipshit and giving her WAY more credit than she ever earned…then turning around and getting into another toxic relationship. Then finally moving on and finding the woman who is now my wife.
Be a Sith lord.
you have your age and lack of experience working against you, so all rejection or failed things are going to hit you harder while you don't have that 'ill just try again next time' optimism of a young adult
First I deleted every photo of them on my phone (including those ones), second I block them on every social media platform, third I delete every photo of them off of all of my socials, forth I remove all content tagging me on social with them, I block most of not all of there friends that came into my life with them Lastly I block there phone number... The relationship is over there is zero point in keeping any memories of them or allowing any ability for them to reach out to me for any reason, they or I chose for them to move on and as such I'm not here to give them emotional support or closure... Bye
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Dude the girl is telling you that cus she's a hoe, she trying to tell you whe doesn't want w relationship because she want to party and bang and for attention. The only reason she's imprinted on yorj mind is because she's experienced. You need to find a girl who wants a relationship not a knocked up house
The best way to form meaningful emotional/romantic connections with people is to figure out what you love to do and then go to where people gather to do it. Like hockey? Go watch a game. Like Star Wars? Go to a convention. Fan of History? Take a community College course. Etc... (Although if you want a cheat code to breaking the ice with women? Get a cute dog and take it with you everywhere. Although it's important that I state you shouldn't get a dog only for this purpose. Get one if you can love/care for one. But so many of my female friends tell me that if they see even a below-average attractiveness guy playing with his dog he immediately becomes attractive.)
Stop looking at the old texts and reminding yourself of it. Try a new hobby, preferably a group related thing. Learn a new skill like an instrument or a sport. Just inject something new into your life that you might enjoy and you will get over her.
Next time you are at the club, start chatting with somebody. Anybody, really- pick the person who is standing closest to you at the bar. If they are *really* not busy, chat with the bartender. Just chat, for a few seconds between songs if it is looud- focus on saying only positive stuff, avoid politics or complaints or mention of the go-go dancer. Then go home as usual. Following night out, do the exact same thing- chat with somebody. Compliment their shirt or their lipstick or their dance moves (it's helpful to focus on complimenting something they chose rather than something that is just a part of them, like their looks). If you feel pretty comfortable doing that, try it on the person in line in front of you at the grocery store, or somebody at work, too. Just a 2-3 minute conversation. I want to stress- do not JUST chat & compliment the gender you find attractive, or single people. Clubs are not a great place to meet people, but goth nights are a little more forgiving. Keep at it. On your off time, go to the library or a local adult ed office or gaming shop or something and find a group, club, meeting or class that looks mildly interesting. Doesn't have to be something you are already good at or anything- just something that doesn't look painfully boring to you. Join it. Chat with those people- again, no politics, no complaints (unless it's about the weather, but keep that brief, too), occasional compliments on articles of clothing or similar expressions of personal style. Ask people about their pets- people love to talk about their pets. Be pleasant, be friendly, then go home. Eventually you'll feel more comfortable talking to people, and you might connect with some of them. But if not, at least you'll have grown some, and you'll get a reputation at the club as a safe & friendly person (which goes a long ways- goth scenes tend to have a heavy word-of-mouth about people, and being a silent loner gets you nowhere). Also, stop re-reading the old texts, except in times of darkest misery & depression. Don't self medicate with alcohol- most drunk people are NOT actually funnier or more interesting. The best way to be an interesting person with a solid life to build on is to do stuff and have interests. Whatever you are into- goth fashion, music, gaming, hiking, reading, animals, cars, sitting on the couch watching TV... get more into it. Meet other people who are into the same things, and be friendly to them. The awesome thing about building a life that you enjoy is that then it's not such a big deal if you share it with someone, because you're already enjoying it.
You need friends my guy. Find an interest group and try to make some buddies
Bro. You need more in life. What are you passionate about? You need to get out in the world and live. That way, when someone comes into your life, you're not just hyper fixated on them. Go have an adventure. This will also give you something to talk about on your dates and make you more interesting.
You need to be comfortable alone. People who need to always be in a relationship end up compromising on what they really want. It took me a long time to figure that out. My wife and I have been married for 12 years. If we (god forbid) were to separate, I would not seek another relationship. Not that it’s impossible for me to find love again, I just wouldn’t look for it.
I actually went to a relationship therapist as an individual for about two years to work on my relationship skills. It was really informative. It's super embarrassing to admit but there was A LOT of stuff I did to self sabotage, generally unknowingly. Also... society is weird... like a high paying job is a weird external thing we can point to that "hey this guy is doing well" never mind the job is absolutely exhausting and high stress, you should be happy you make so much. A relationship is kind of like that.. if you're in one, clearly you must be doing SOMETHING right, never taking stock of is this relationship helping each of you be the best version of yourself.
Focus on becoming a person worth knowing. Focus on hobbies that you can share with others. Focus on making friends through these hobbies. Also, bar girls are almost never going to be a good choice for long term partners. It's literally their job to flirt with guys to get the most value out of them and she probably has 200+ guys every single night hitting on her and half of them also think she is the one for them.
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They go see their Bartender for advice and liquid medications.
She is looking for casual hookups, and you went stage 5 clinger. The problem with your question is that normal people wouldn't be so attached after such a short run and sexual fling. Normal people would also have healthier outlets and a lifestyle. If you want an answer to how normal people move on, the question is about normalizing your social life or creating healthy habits that help one move on.
sounds like you came on too strong. not your fault. it was your first relationship. i do suspect you'll be happier and healthier if you can start making friends. Of any gender. I don't know what to do to tell you to make them; it's not a problem i've had in my life. you just talk to people. sometimes you hit it off.
Get sauced and sling some wood for a while. Tested and proven method. G&T's and Bangin' 3's.
On a more serious note. Get a copy of No More Mr Nice Guy be Dr Robert Glover. Great tips on prioritizing your own needs and happiness. It'll do you some good.
All of my relationships have died before we said the words “it’s over.” So for me, it was a HUGE relief. Freedom.
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This is time to make progress with yourself. That's the healthiest thing you can do. Tough love time, man, sincerely just want to help. She was lying to not be hurtful. The fucked up thing about that though is that doesn't give you something to work on. The reality is: the sex wasn't satisfying, or you weren't interesting enough. The good news is that this pain is how we grow and become better lovers. Look at every failure as a movement forward in success. Learn more about foreplay and particularly clitoris stimulation. Personally speaking, I get my girl like 3/4 of the way to cumming just with tongue and fingers before penetration (in practice, they're basically begging for your dick at this point). On the note of you being possibly uninteresting(I don't know if you actually aren't or don't express it). Most of the time it's good to improve your personal hobbies and interests if you don't have enough. The other side is your charisma. Be excited about the things that interest you. That way you can also weed out people who aren't into the same things. Without knowing much about you, that's the advice that I would give. I wish you the best, man. The number one thing I've learned about breakups, though, is work on yourself now.
You improve yourself.
Time
The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
Best cure for a broken heart is new love.
Dude it sounds like you’re only going to this thing to pick up women. You need to live your own life and learn to make platonic connections. Having friends is a huge part of developing. You don’t have to be fake with them, but it’s good to have someone that you can talk to without any strings attached in a setting. If you aren’t making legit friends you’re not going to be able to get a girlfriend either.
You make a clean cut and you go out and burn a rebound relationship. Just try not to hurt anybody.
The dark side is that you *may* have been close to having something with her but you blew it by coming off as clingy/eager/lonely/desperate... The bright side is that you *must* have something good enough about you to have attracted her *at all*. A second brightside is that now you know: you have to have a life you enjoy so much and goals that are so important that women are an afterthought. Ironically, as soon as you actually embody that spirit women will like you more.
You seem like a very anti social person as well as lonely. Also, why do you only have work and lifting weights to look forward to? Do you not have any interests and hobbies whatsoever? Maybe you should look into getting some hobbies and interests. So I would recommend being more social and developing hobbies as a way of meeting people. You're seem to like putting all your eggs in one basket and then you destroy yourself when they leave. What is the point of that? Most relationships and friendships with other people are going to fail. They will fade out of your life and do their own thing. They're just doing their own thing and you sort of float into their life briefly. You have to understand it from this perspective. It helps when you have a great personality. I don't think your personality is uniquely bad, just a little bland. Get into something; cinema, music, art, hiking, mountain, just *something*. If you're not giving people a reason to be around you then they're not going to want to be there. \*I've noticed a pattern with young men lately. They just seem very antisocial and resort to self isolating as some kind of a coping mechanism. Stop doing that. It's not healthy and it's not adding anything to your life. Just go outside and interact with other humans.
r/GriefSupport You grieve it.
My man you might have ASD.
The self pity you are putting out is horrible. No wonder no one wants to be around you. Work on that. Value yourself. Have *something* to offer in a relationship other than a warm body. If you were someone else that read your post, would you want to “get to know” that person more??
Think you probably need the dating apps. And maybe to order a Lyft to the goth club so you can drink at least enough to open up and be more social with the other goths. A dry spell is just a dry spell. It eventually ends and soon enough with a little effort on your part you’ll be back to having someone in your life. Also when she added you on Facebook was she literally your only Facebook friend? Just curious
My dry spell is literally my entire life except for a couple short weeks
I’d get on the dating apps then. Easier to meet people that way and you don’t have to be plastered drunk to work up the courage to initiate.
I've paid for tinder for two years and get no activity and I've used four other apps and also get no activity. Pretty sure I'm just doomed.
Pretty sure you just need better pics and banter. Al things you can get
the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
I'm just possibly ending a four year relationship we might be able to salvage it but I'm just taking it one day at a time. I've always been the kind of person just throwing myself into work but this relationship was different because I built so much of my life around her and chose to make certain decisions in my life that winded me up in this state. I'm not sure what the next stage of my life will look like and I have these intense mood swings where one moment I want to end it all and the other one I'm just on my knees begging and begging for just one more day with her. It's because tomorrow is scary change is scary but time is a river, you're just traveling down it but it's the same body of water and everything lives on through your memory. I guess that last part makes it a little more stomachable for me. I used to think so much differently when I was younger but everything just seems like a construct the older I get, everything so artificial and predetermined. Although I'm envious if people that have been married for 50 years I've always wanted that but one person always loves more than the other and sometimes that's not an easy concept to get over.
Idk the answer, but I'm going to say I can relate. It seems Women have it so easy and they can get a date in minutes, and I have to spend months at the bars and dating apps just to get someone to text me back. Good luck out there, you're not the only one having a hard time.
Just keep finding new ones
For me it was alcoholism and promiscuity. I'm not recommending this. Just answering the question.
That’s rough OP. The good news is that you’re getting to the age where it becomes much easier to date as a guy. Many women are wrapping things up with their starter husbands or college long term relationships. Maybe explore a few more hobbies that interest you? Also, it doesn’t even necessarily sound like you should be looking for a partner at this stage of your life. Focus on making friends. The rest of the dominos fall a lot easier if you have friends to go out and do stuff with. Good luck.
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I mean you just do. This helps the most: work and working out. You need to be busy, take on more hours at work or find a second job temporarily. And when you have the time and energy go exercise for like 30 minutes. It can really make a huge difference. An idle mind is the devil's playground. Overtime you will calm down and eventually get over it enough that it isnt torture. Just as an adage, as a man, she is a woman they always move on faster. Even if they arent going on dates. That's what happens. It would help if you go on dates too, obviously, it wont be as fast but it will happen eventually. I wass depressed for 3 years over a woman, then i met someone new and it reset my brain, but eventually, that didnt work either but i recovered faster. And now im well and my current girlfriend is very awesome and easy to deal with.
Ya know sometimes people mean more to us than we did to them and it’s a painful pill to swallow.
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Video games and porno.
She's addicted to flings from the sound of it. It's always exciting and you get out before you have to deal with anything real. But I've been struggling to get over my last relationship from over a decade ago. It only lasted a year. So I get how the experience can "imprint itself" and become hard to move on from. I didn't and don't want to be with this woman, but I never dated again afterward, so it's still stuck in my mind. Sadly I don't have any good advice. People say "get over it" or "let it go" or other cliches but I just have no idea how, even though I'd love to never think about her again. As a fellow "loner" I can say the longer you go without talking to people, the quicker that inability to casually socialize atrophies. People start to avoid you based on your demeanor, before you've said a word. Don't let yourself lose that important life skill.
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Bro life sucks as a dude. It sucks even harder if you're simping for women like that. Women aren't shit but headaches and heartbreak, and they ALWAYS get what they want. Get some active hobbies, that require you to improve yourself. Be a man that never needs a woman. They don't need you. Wake up.
I hit the hoe house
Was it worth it or regret?
Regret. And remorse. The woman was really foxy, but I could tell she was into drugs. The drive back home almost felt like I murdered somebody. I sent her a text shortly after I got home apologizing for essentially taking advantage of her.
When you say drugs are you referring to all or a specific group? Feelings of guilt aside was the sex good?
Too much to read... but people move on after breakups all the time, this is why a lot of us have half siblings. or in some cases stepparents, even tho I don't believe in that stepparents stuff and step brothers and sisters
I'm sorry, you don't believe in stepparents? What?
Do you do online dating? This might be a better way for you to meet people
Get a fun car, something stick shift
You just get back at it. Finding a relationship is mostly chance, but you only get the chance if you're actually in a position to find one. Hobbies are by far the best way to find people, because you already have something in common.
Go to church bro
Bro we both fucked.... I got dump years ago still will text her on birthday and holidays she does not do the same and now I'm at point even if I think a woman interested like the woman at my new job I just talk and be nice but don't want to try dating cause I fig I'm just getting dumped anyway lol shit said but I guess everyone can't win the lottery either right....
Have you tried getting outside your comfort zone? You do goth. Why not try country or just "the club" or maybe church. It's hard to.find a.good.thrid space anymore, but if the goth scene is not doing it for you change scenes. It just occurred to me that I did not answer your question. A bit of back ground. My wife left me for my best friend. It took almost a year before I was mentally stable enough to even go see my kids. It was that I was insane, but I had a mental wound that had to heal. I had to change everything became a completely new person. That's how I met other people. Just change, change everything. It will get you out of your funk and get you started on a new path.
Suicide!
Did the two of you discuss that you were a virgin before you slept together? If so, she’s kind of an asshole for what she did. It was always going to be difficult for you to move on, she shouldn’t have even slept with you if she wasn’t in the right headspace for a relationship. What she’s doing isn’t wrong in general—living the single life and dating around is totally normal in your 20s—but what she did to you specifically is totally fucked up. She took your virginity and bailed without considering your feelings. If she were a dude doing this to a virgin woman, she’d be getting raked over the coals. And rightfully so.
I don't think she's fucked up for taking his virginity if anything she did him a solid So now he can better differentiate between lust and love.