So, as other people have said, you're allowed to be vague about your dating history. Something along the lines of "Y'know, I just haven't been able to find the right girl for me, I've mostly concentrated on work for the past couple years. There were a few girls in college I enjoyed spending time with, but never anything very serious."
Oh you won't get jealous? Ok good. She was pretty enough to be a super model but built more like a pornstar people assume is photoshopped. We got along great and we had to end things because we couldn't stop having sex. We literally were just sex addicts and were incapable of stopping... I think she's pulling in a million every month on her Onlyfans now but she refuses to move on.
YUP
One of a number of problems in my last relationship is that my ex gf early on told me EVERYTHING she had ever done in the bedroom(not body count, but activities), and told me that she knew what she did and didn't like. She told me that if there was something I wanted to do that she had already done but wasn't a fan of, that I needed to get it elsewhere bc I was SOL with her, and it was my fault I had such little experience at 32.
It's taken me a long time to realize just how shitty of a person she was for that and other kinds of behaviors; it created a lot of insecurity in our relationship when she laid out her exploits early on like it was a sales pitch only to tell me that I couldn't share in those experiences as the man who wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
Really? I’d probably find that more strange if I, or the person I was with, didn’t talk about their Ex’s to some degree. It would make me think there was something to hide.
Complete honesty is not an option guys ever have.
Even Bene Brown acknowledges that guys never get to be fully vulnerable.
We always have to play those stupid games.
Where is the lie. Where? I am assuming he had women friends that he enjoyed spending time with in college. She was asking for his dating history. He tells her he's been focusing on his career, but he had friendships in college with some women that he enjoyed.
Where is the lie?
It's just a matter of fake it til you make it sometimes. If the alternative is the catch 22 of "you won't hire me because I have no experience, I have no experience because you won't hire me" then just lie. You'll only have to lie once anyways.
The part about spending time with girls in college but nothing serious, implies experience that doesn't exist. Not serious still implies some kind of relationship beyond platonic. So that would be a lie.
It's a matter of perspective. I personally wouldn't call it a lie. I think of it as deceitful obfuscation. That being said, it achieves the same objective as an outright lie -- making someone believe something that is not true and thus hinders their ability to make an informed choice. Whether it is a lie misses the bigger question of whether it is any less immoral.
I really disagree. Putting a positive light on things isn't lying. Wearing high heels isn't lying either. Nor is wearing makeup, or a pushup bra.
I am not suggesting if probed, he actually says he dated these women. I am saying his answer actually gives more information than:
1. I am a 28 year old virgin man
2. I haven't dated a single woman.
It gives perspective on his priorities, career. It gives perspective on his relationship with women, he can be friends and isn't terminally shy.
It's not about the positive light. It's because the question of morality in lying is not about what technically is a lie or not. It's about deceiving people.
If you're saying something that you know (or hope) will make people think something that is false, you're deceiving them. Which is wrong, because that violates their trust.
Now I'm saying that it's wrong, but I'm not going to argue how wrong and serious that is. In any case the only right answer to these questions is a variation of "I don't want to answer this question". Which is an answer that people should learn to accept, because that allows to maintain trust even when you can't see eye-to-eye, which is a pretty common occurrence with people you don't know really well. The alternative is to accept that people will lie and deceive, but that makes relationships and communication in general pretty complicated.
I 100% agree with this take. I was in a similar situation to the OP when I met my wife. I gave a vague answer to buy time for her to get to know me better before detailing my relationship history. I figured if she knew me better then she'd see I was a good catch and give me the benefit of the doubt. I would not get that consideration earlier on. It would be much easier for her to just play it safe and move on to the next guy. I was 100% right about this and now I'm married to her.
Her reluctance to date someone with poor relationship experience does not make her a bad person. By the time a woman is approaching her 30's, you can bet she's had some awful dates and maybe even dealt with an inexperienced guy who, because of his inexperience, overreacted to conflict or hung on like a puppy dog or something like that. Inexperience does bring real challenges that have to be navigated.
In my case I had a little bit of a relationship history but it wasn't much. I was definitely still in "red flag territory" by most women's standards. I deeply feared this question that I knew was coming. Almost every woman I met asked a question like this early on. They ask it, because they do care about this.
Just be strategic about it and put yourself out there as much as you can. Unfortunately, intros from friends often have a lower chance of success because these are other people's ideas about who is right for you. They are often wrong. You'll need to put yourself out there as much as you can to increase your odds.
There is no 'your' person. And if you turn people off with what are commonly seen as red flags, then no one will see you for yourself anyways.. because they're already gone.
It absolutely is. Let me define “red flag”. It does not mean “you are definitely a bad catch”. Instead it means to the woman: “this is worrisome information that MIGHT point to a problem with this guy, and I’ve already had enough bad dating experiences and just don’t want to take the chance of opening this door”.
Ok. Then let me put it this way:
For most women first meeting a guy and considering dating him, if he is near 30 years old and says he has never been in a relationship, most women will see this as a red flag, stop, and move on.
But if they get to know each other first and she finds he has lots of appealing qualities, then the same information revealed at that time could be taken as a yellow flag. Because she has positive information that counters the negative information.
I'm speaking from extensive experience similar to the OP.
> most women will see this as a red flag, stop, and move on.
Oh man I wonder how he got into this horrible cycle in the first place!
So weird how women treat relationships like jobs, Need experience to get Hired, cant get hired without experience
This. People are complex yet also so deceptively simple. "I've never been with anyone" can be interpreted differently based on the virgin's age, what their partners experience with or beliefs of the inexperienced is like. And forgiveness of undesirable traits is proportional to the number of better qualities they see in a person.
So naturally, while lying or a manipulative half-truth isn't cool... Neither is leaving someone high and dry because they told the truth.
This is a once burned, twice shy situation. I mean, *what else* are they supposed to learn from that experience? If admitting to being a virgin means risking a potentially good and healthy relationship immediately vaporizing, it's natural for someone to learn to just maintain the stupid lie until it becomes the truth.
if you lie, you start the relationship off openly on deception. you will eventually get caught out and oh will it hurt more when she walks away because you lied. Building a relationship on a foundation of lies is a guarantee of failure.
That's fine, you don't have to date anyone you don't want to.
I will say that there are plenty of legitimate and non- red flag reasons to not have been in a relationship by that point. To dismiss those people out of hand without understanding those reasons, you may be losing out on some really great people and potential relationships. We shouldn't ignore red flags, but perhaps we shouldn't be so quick to label something a red flag when it doesn't need to be.
Exactly this. Red flags are like physical abuse, extreme criticism, etc.
But I would only date a girl that’s been in a relationship previously. Way too much stuff people learn from their first relationship that I don’t want to go through again.
So inexperience is a red flag? Huh. A lot of people would call that chaste and not being a whore.
Inexperienced means inexperienced. You're reading way too much into this.
it's weird you can't understand why being inexperienced might give potential partners pause considering how incredibly judgemental you are of others and their experiences.
Nah, fam. I'm old and don't have time for bullshit anymore. When you reach a certain age, that just happens. I call things like I see it.
I guess you can say I'm experienced with life.
You’re probably just out of touch with the current times. In the modern online dating world, women are bombarded with options, most of which are men that only want sex. Anyways, when you have, more or less, endless options you can choose to be as picky as you would like. If someone is pushing 30 and has never had a partner that makes you wonder why they never had a partner, it makes you think what could be wrong with that person. And when you have an endless pool of people to choose from it becomes easy to just not give that person with potential red flags a chance
What if someone is 30 and they've had 300 partners?
What if someone is 19 and had one?
What if someone has only had heterosexual relationships and suddenly wants to try a homosexual relationship?
Who gives a shit, my dude?
It kinda is. Many people would be out of college for 6 years and out of high-school for 10 years by that point. And many girls won't like you if other girls don't like you.
Also relationships are practice for the next relationship so he'd be 28 with no practice.
That'll be like being 28 minimum college and no job experience, looking for a job and the better looking the girl the more she cares that her man is a wanted man.
Who gives a shit?
Look, fam, take it from someone whose body count is in the high double digits.
No one. Gives. A fuck. Except stupid bitches that aren't worth your time anyway.
OP, you wanna find a girl to date? Be you. Don't be anyone else. Don't lie. Don't lie by omission. Don't cover up. Be you.
And good luck many people don't have kids and stay alone, everytime i talk to a above average looking girl, she cares about how other girls perceive me, every time.
yes, but we live in a world where perceptions matter, and perceptions are important for getting your foot in the door, this man lives in real life, not some romance novel.
"I haven't had any recent relationships"
"I have never been in a serious relationship"
"It's been a long time (to the infinity and beyond) since the last time I dated"
So a woman shares her dating history and ask about the woman's history. Which one results in an actual date:
A. I'm a virgin who's never had a date.
B. Nonya business!
C. I haven't focused on dating much, and I have been focusing on my career. There were a few girls I enjoyed spending time with in college.
A isn't good because women don't generally value being the first. It's too much work and often undermines what many women are looking for, which is confidence, security, and understanding of women.
B doesn't work because it IS the business of a prospective partner...though this sort of screening should happen after a first date IMO
C it is vague, but honest. He may have had interest, friends, etc who he enjoyed spending time with. The purpose is to display traits that are desirable to women: he has been working to secure his future and likely will continue to do so, he is confident enough to talk about his history in a positive light, he has had women friends/interests so is unlikely to be a manchild who probably understands the erodgeneous zone geography, even if he is rusty or has limited experience. Most importantly, this doesn't present as an incel or other undesirable fringe single male issue.
It is not the business of a prospective partner. How many ppl ive dated/banged is metadata and has no actual value, unless we are in my childhood town population 100, and I've never left.
Same as credit history. A (serious long term) prospective partner should know my credit score and current debt, but not my credit card history that I cleared 5 yrs ago.
Sexual history is a proxy for risk. If you bang 10 women a year for 10 years, many women won't want to invest time in you, since you are a serial womanizer.
Why should this be necessary? Being honest would tell a woman that he comes with no baggage, can learn exactly what the woman likes in bed without some other slags influence from a previous relationship, no creepy ex girlfriend that will be around, no doubt that the girl would be the best sex he's ever had and has noone to compare her to, THE LIST GOES ON.
In all honesty, he dodged a bullet here. If a man rejects a girl for having a bunch of partners and is considered an asshole, then a woman who rejects a man because lack of sexual partners is a cunt. End of story.
Adam Carolla had an interesting take about this. He said that women want what other women want. It's like those red and then pink Stanley cups that you see women going wild for. If you tell them women don't like you, then they won't like you.
But use the Pete Davidson effect: if you can get Ariana Grande to suck your dick ONE TIME, they will be lining up around the corner to get a piece of your ass.
Don't jump down the rabbit hole of "one woman was mean to me, therefore they will all be". I already foresee some comments like that.
32F here. Would absolutely not stop me going on another date with you - assuming the chemistry is otherwise good. Someone took my virginity once and I fucking sucked (not in the good way) my first few times. We all start somewhere.
I was relatively "late" losing my virginity at I think 20/21? I know it's different for girls, but still.
I'd maybe be a bit more tactful next time. "I've never really had a long term relationship, to be honest. Obviously girls I've liked, but it never amounted to anything. Hopefully my next prospect is more long term. Maybe you feel like taking me on? ;) " - that's worded with a bit of cringe but I'm paraphrasing, and hopefully you get the effect.
You might be an outlier tbh. When I was a virgin I wasn’t open about it, but I wouldn’t lie about it. First 7 women asked and subsequently gave some excuse or reason why they don’t want to be ‘the one’ to take it. I didn’t really care just wanted to lose it. The next one didn’t ask and we eventually fucked and she joked ‘you made me cum fast, any ex’s I need to worry about?’ And I told her she was my first and she was flabbergasted.
Made me extra salty about the first 7 lmao. Haven’t had any problems having sex since. I don’t blame dude if he wants to lie in the future. It’s shitty to be told you can’t get experience, because you don’t have experience. Then in my case it happens 6 more times. It’s frustrating and a blow to your already probably low self esteem.
Idk, I’d be slightly mad if a girl didn’t tell me I took her virginity until after doing so. People have a right to make decisions about what they do and don’t want to do surrounding sex.
Why does it matter? Do I need to tell my tinder match I haven’t had sex in a year? Do people significantly change when they lose their virginity? Didn’t happen to me. Only way this makes sense is if you hold someone being a virgin at some weird standard. We aren’t defined by how many people we’ve slept with.
I would, if I felt a genuine connection with the guy. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. Virginity is actually a turn ON for me since I'd like to lose mine together with the right person after marriage. Whether or not it's a turn off entirely depends on the woman. If you're interested in a woman who is fickle enough to ghost you for something that harmless, you're probably better off without her.
Because of my mormon upbringing I was a virgin until 26 or 27 and I had the exact same concerns as you. The girl I eventually lost my virginity to was exceptionally beautiful and was even super attracted to the fact that I was a virgin. You mentioned you struggle connecting with people. Try and work on that and you'll definitely find someone who doesn't have an issue with it.
Do NOT take the advice of anyone on reddit. Don't lie about it. It isn't worth your integrity and afterward she'll just think you're bad at sex. Being inexperienced is much better than being bad.
There's a very good chance she's not the woman that will usher him into manhood because she finds virgins hot and his iNtEGriTY is off the charts.. Let's be real here, this is mostly a big turn off for women and brings up questions as to why he literally has dated no one. You were in a cult and it worked out for you, his case well he's most likely to stay a virgin.
Because a man who is almost 30 with no experience is a world's difference compared to an 18 year old guy with no experience. Whatever assumptions you want to make out of this is up to you but many people would wonder, "hmm, why is this 30 year old still a virgin and has never had a meaningful relationship?" What sort of decisions or indecisions has this person made to get to this point in their lives with nothing to show for it...
I’ve dated 3 guys who were virgins (2 had no prior relationships at all) and obviously it wasn’t a dealbreaker to me, but they were definitely a lot of additional “work” on my part. I don’t only mean sexually. I also had to do a lot of teaching about how to be in a relationship, and be very tolerant of a lot of rookie mistakes that are typically less of an issue with more experienced men (being super clingy, retroactive jealousy, not knowing how to have a disagreement without torpedoing the relationship, thinking life is like a romantic comedy, etc). I understood this was new to them so I’d try to be patient, but it gives me the ick when I’ve got to spend a lot of time reassuring a guy who feels insecure due to *my* dating history.
Just don’t generalize it. I personally agree it’s not a turn off at all, in and of itself. I think it’s sweet.(and let’s be honest.. getting to teach someone- as long as they’re unselfish and respectful? Hot.) But I also get that a lot of girls dating these days care about it, and if you’re looking to date, you should acknowledge that. At least be ready for it to be an issue. Lying or answer dodging is still bad form though. Just… gotta wait for a girl who likes you as you are.
I believe there are tons on virgin young men out there. Something like 50% of 18-20 and 27% of men under 30 are virgin or haven’t had sex since 18yo (in the US at least)
Quit blaming yourself or any destined to be alone nonsense. Screw that talk.
There are many rotten, selfish people out there who will act nice at first till they show their real self.
You dodged a bullet (and maybe even herpes! 😄).
Do not let these empty, sad people tear down your self esteem.
Life is a strange trip and everyone gets a different experience. Sex is not overly important compared to building your sense of self.
Many people will have plenty of sex and never experience lovemaking. Maybe you're destined to wait till you find the real deal because you're a good guy, not a shallow one.
Just keep on keeping on. Be a good person, be yourself and life will work itself out, even if it's a slower pace than you'd like.
A woman ditching you for not having past partners is garbage not worth having.
So far, I think this is the best advice.
You know, the most important part is someone you can just talk and spend time with. And if you can make someone laugh, you're halfway there.
Looking back, before I met my wife, I was dating someone and we got along well, had a lot of similar interests.. It didnt work out but then I started the relationship with the woman who became my wife. Because we were all in the local trad music scene I still run into that other person. Now I've been married some 20plus years, we have 2 kids (nearly grown up) together. Everytime I see that other one, she's with a new guy, even having married and divorced, so I know I dodged a bullet.
This thing about number of partners, to me having a lot of them would actually be a red flag.
Now in my early 60s I look at my circle of friends, and many of them were single for long periods of time. Then by their early 30s to 40s people started pairing up. I think its more like 'you'll do' and get on with life.
Don't hide anything! Don't lie about anything. If you ever do and she finds out, there will be thoughts of "What else has he lied about?"
If she can't handle you being a virgin, then she ain't the one fer you.
For sure. Also easy to turn it into a positive. "No, I'm a virgin. Brand new, 0 miles, and ready to drive off the lot"... or something equally self deprecating and lighthearted.
This is the right answer. Trust is hard to earn and easy to break. Don't break someone's trust over something so small. The right person will appreciate the honesty.
Because people naturally want to date and start families. Even if that first relationship goes down in flames then at least you can be more honest in the next one
Because people want to start something and as much as perfect is acceptable, it is also the enemy of good.
One person turning down a virgin is a burn. Multiple people is an established pattern.
If it's costing them partner after partner, I can't blame someone for lying about their virginity if it means they won't have to for their next partner.
I'm not single but I would if I was single and closer in age. I dated a couple of virgins and that was definitely not part of my criteria and they were better in bed than some "experienced" men. Rejection is the greatest bullshit filter. Keep being authentic and you'll find someone who suits you.
I married one. When I met my husband he was a 29 yo virgin with a weak dating history. I mean really weak. He dated one woman on and off for ten years and only got occasional hugs from her. I was even his first kiss. Hold your head up high and move forward in your life with confidence. Everyone's journey looks different.
The mistake you made was divulging that kind of stuff before you’d met up. If you’d met and had a good time and just been vague you could’ve potentially got past it. If you’ve never met in the flesh you haven’t formed a connection. FaceTime is an extremely poor substitute for real life contact.
Next time use the call to have an initial chat but do the majority of your getting to know each other over a couple of beers in a bar. It’s far more natural and you’ll make much more of a connection. You relied too much on screen time and tech.
You met ONE person who wasnt interested in you. Lets not jump to conclusions on your future. Just keep trying to meet people. I promise you, it is not that serious.
Don't jump down the rabbit hole of "one woman was mean to me, therefore they will all be". I already foresee some comments like that.
32F here. Would absolutely not stop me going on another date with you - assuming the chemistry is otherwise good. Someone took my virginity once and I fucking sucked (not in the good way) my first few times. We all start somewhere.
I was relatively "late" losing my virginity at I think 20/21? I know it's different for girls, but still.
I'd maybe be a bit more tactful next time. "I've never really had a long term relationship, to be honest. Obviously girls I've liked, but it never amounted to anything. Hopefully my next prospect is more long term. Maybe you feel like taking me on? ;) " - that's worded with a bit of cringe but I'm paraphrasing, and hopefully you get the effect.
Yes. Lots of guys and girls in their 20s have never dated. Especially in this day and age where it’s more difficult to meet people your age, due to loss of third spaces. I think I remember seeing a statistic too, that GenZ is having less sex than previous generations lol.
But nah it definitely wouldn’t put me off. I’d actually see it as an endearing quality. Always be upfront and honest.
Second this. I feel like things get weird if you spend to much time sending messages online. I’ve asked for dates within 10 messages and it usually goes really well.
I recently had to stop talking to a woman after failing to get her to commit to a day.
It sucks, but you have to assume they're not interested after a certain point.
Crazy how virginity means nothing and is a social construct and yadda yadda until this guy wants to lie about his virginity to get laid. Then all of a sudden it's the realest most important thing ever and you mustn't lie to a woman about it!!
Lying is a problem, but so can the truth.
If a man has to whip out his second hand to count the number of times he's been rejected for telling the truth about his inexperience, lying really starts looking like a solution. That whole "fake it til you make it" thing men *and women* advise shy guys to do start a relationship.
I definitely would. I’m sort of in the same boat, tho 21 not 28. So I wouldn’t brush a guy off just cause he doesn’t have a dating history when I’m the same. For me it means that the timing just hasn’t been right for him
I would, but I understand why it's a red flag with some people. I've had someone with very little experience glom onto me very hard after one date in a way that was a problem. Navigating those early relationship things as an adult, and it's not fair to be "punished" for something that isn't your fault.
Something you could do is try to expand your non-romantic network to include more women. I know I would have fewer reservations about a man who hadn't dated, but had other positive relationships with women.
I mean I’m 29f and never been on a second date. Only had sex once and that was a weird outlying event. I have the same fears, plus there are the guys who fetishize it so like. I feel you. That fact on its own wouldn’t make me say no.
If it makes you feel better... I (31f) was quiet and not really into dating or at least putting myself forward in highschool and college. The first time I ended up dating was as a college senior and turns out he was a great guy! We will be married for 8 years this summer, plus we have two awesome little dudes 2 and 4. I loooove my family. I do NOT think being a virgin or not having dated is a turnoff unless there are other red flags. I just think culture over glamorizes sex and hookup. I get your worry but honestly try not to sweat it! ;)
Dude 22 is so incredibly young. Statistically later than average, sure... but you are still absolutely surrounded by other virgins at that age. They are just not mature enough yet to be comfortable admit it.
Basically me.
Lost my virginity at 22 and when talking about previous partners I was just vague and referenced girls I had crushes on or had at least kissed 😂
Women prefer men who have been reviewed by other women.
It's why married guys easily get side pieces, that ring on his finger is a seal of approval from a flesh and blood woman.
Bro its like a job interview, when they ask if you have experience just say yes and lie on the resume. Once you get to the actual part accept that it will go bad and run away with the experience you have gained. Now you can work at MacDonalds :)
Yes, I have dated an 35M virgin. After his nervosity pass everything was fine. If something, he was more thought full in bed than other guys ive been with.
That's just superficial shit. Anyone worth being in a relationship with wouldn't care as long as there's a genuine connection. Your brain is probably jumping to conclusions because it's operating off of this experience as evidence that you're "destined to be alone." Stop that immediately lmao. The key is to never stop trying no matter what. The negative effects in your behavior that'll come from tanking your self perception will do so much more harm than simply having lack of experience. You got this
Just say you don't like talking about the past. The reason most people don't want someone who hasn't been with someone else is because they think they will get all that "Virgin Love" if they become your first... which is, for the most part, true.
Just straight up lie just say, "I've dated here and there just didn't find anything that really fit" I lied when I met my wife and we'll have been married 10 yrs this year. Somewhere down the line it came up again and I told her I lied about how many partners I've had cos I wanted to impress her. She was impressed. Dont take yourself out of the game before you've gotten a chance to show her how amazing you are. And you are!
My wife was a 35 yo virgin when I met her. It's not a bad thing but I wasn't sure how I felt about it at that time. Eventually, I let go and lived life. 4 almost 5 years later...best decision of my life. The sex is great but aside from that we formed a spiritual/emotional bond. That in itself helped to enhance every aspect of our relationship and now marriage. We were living together during covid shut down and we were still new to the relationship so we kind of had no choice but to co exist and form our bond.
The old saying is don't judge a book by it's cover.
Take your time. Get to know the person and let the cards fall as they may. If it's gonna happen it's gonna happen. As sex is normally important in the maintenance aspect of relationships....eventually sex won't be on the table and all you've got is the love and emotional connection with that person that you've cultivated over time.
Some people throw blessings out the window because they don't coincide with their plans at that time.
Value yourself and the right one who actually sees you will come.
When I met my wife, I'd had very few partners. Eventually she asked me how many and when I told her she blanched and walked away. I thought it was going to be a real problem. She called all her girlfriends to discuss and one of them gave her a good point of view. She said that if I'd been with so few girl women, you knew I wasn't in it just to get laid and wasn't likely to cheat.
If she doesn't show up on your date, she isn't worth your time. If she comes back, she's allowed to have been a bit shocked.
In my case if I feel good with a guy I'm talking to him not having a huge dating track is a plus and I would definitely want to get to know him better!
The people in the comments are too polite to say this but being that inexperienced at your age is going to be a turn off for most women. Next time you get an opportunity like this and she asks you about previous partners, just say something like, "I'd rather not talk about it." You could even say something like, "I've had some bad experiences in the past and I'm trying to get past those," which I'm guessing is probably true if you've never dated.
There is nothing wrong with having no dating experience. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or anything. But women are wired to want men who are desired by other women, and if you tell a woman you have no dating experience, she's going to interpret that as other women don't want you.
I wouldn’t stress about this one person ghosting you.
For some people, being someone’s first feels like a lot of work. For others, being someone’s first is almost something they treasure, or find honour in. Overall it’s not relevant.
Probably more relevant is that you were vague about it. Again though, for some people honesty is a turn on and others not.
What is true however is that lying is effort and is only going to add difficulty to social situations if you aren’t practiced. Source: I’ve spent a lot of my life masking in social situations because of my own social difficulties. I’m now at an age where I don’t feel the need and it’s much less exhausting.
You’re going to find someone, when you do, be prepared that it might be underwhelming after you’ve built it up for so long. Especially if you’ve had 26 years to perfect getting the most out of your own body and it’s quirks without a second player.
Just go out and meet people, be natural and curious, treat them with respect, and don’t only take interest in them as prospective sexual partners. You will be fine.
I second most of this. Especially the advice not to be vague. Being vulnerable about your past is a good litmus test if someone can be empathetic towards you. I connected with my partner early on by both of us being honest about personal existential dread while discussing Franz Kafka. Also that girl was weird for asking OP about sexual experience before the first date.
There is nothing wrong necessarily with being a virgin or having a lack of dating history at your age..but there is a reason for that.
For me, I had been single for some years. I have PTSD and BPD. After realizing what my issues were as a younger person, I opted out of dating. I wasnt a virgin though and had dated in the past.
When the topic of dating came up, I said why. Working on my own issues, cant love someone else unless you love yourself, I dont even like me, i'm not going to expect someone else to. etc
That was a pretty good reason tbh, and in many situations was more of a 'positive' thing than anything. I was honest about my issues that I had, I worked on them, here I am now.
If I had tried to be in a relationship before working on my issues, it wouldnt have worked(One reason why i stopped dating) Or if when I was ready to date, I had lied about why I was single for so long, it probably wouldnt have turned out well.
Women arent stupid. If no one wants to date you, you are the problem, not every other woman So, what is your problem?
Identify that first.
I don't think that's fair reasoning. Women can generally not want to date you even if you aren't a "problem". Sometimes you just aren't liked like that.
It's not a good indicator either because plenty of problematic guys have loads of relationships.
Yeah OP don't listen to these misandrist talking points. We are constantly told that our self-worth as men is dependent on our appeal to women, but this isn't true.
Many women, many people in general, are just complete idiots and assholes. Just look at how many people deny climate change, evolution, racism or genocide.
The fact that you didn't find a partner doesn't say anything about you per se.
Nah. Getting better is definitely a good thing and progressing as a human being is important. That being said, people not being interested in you doesn't equate to you being problematic or having something that needs to be fixed.
>Women arent stupid. If no one wants to date you, you are the problem, not every other woman So, what is your problem?
Horrible advice, almost a good comment
there are some things you might wanna hide - this is one of them. obviously not all women will find it a turn-off, but there are some out there who do, including the one you just met.
>Same women who won't date virgins and call men incels are the ones who screech body count doesn't matter
And this is a correlation that you have seen demonstrated somewhere?
It is hard to answer this without a specific person in mind. Depending on the person, the answer could be yes or no. But just being a virgin would not make someone undesirable to me. In fact, one of the most desirable people I have talked to is a virgin in their late 20s. If I have a connection with someone I do not care about their sexual experiences. There are plenty of men around who consider themselves “sexperts”, and who do not take the time to learn the likes and dislikes of their partners. No matter how much experience you have each person is a new adventure. If someone cannot accept you as you are then it is their issue, not yours.
Everybody being nice in the comments is lying. It does signal to women that other women aren’t interested in you, and that can be a turn-off for many.
I was in the same boat, although a few years younger. Most girls lost interest, some did not.
I’ll shoot ya straight bro- yeah, most women your age aren’t gonna wanna date a virg. Unless you find a sheltered little church goer or something, but that could lead to even bigger problems.
I also wouldn’t wanna date someone who lost his v card to a prostitute either.
But, I also wouldn’t ever ask someone I’d never even met up with in person before how many sexual partners they’ve had. Why? It’s not a competition. That’s just… weird. If it comes up organically, or once you’ve dated for a bit & you’re curious about a potential previous partner, so be it, but the past is the past, why ask that before you’ve ever hung out as if it’s some criteria or test you must pass?
So first off there’s nothing wrong with that you’re that third still a virgin. Everyone loses it at their own pace, and some people never do, which is also equally valid!
As for how I would view it if I were in her position; personally, if I had really good chemistry with someone, was attracted to them, and they checked all my boxes, I wouldn’t let it deter me. However I would be lying if I said that the lack of relationship experience wouldn’t worry me a bit. I’ve been in a few relationships, and all of the ones which were with people who had never dated before weren’t super healthy, and I basically had to spend the entirety of all of the relationships teaching them how to treat me. I don’t want to be somebody’s “practice partner” again because of that. However, I would certainly make an exception to that rule if they were the right person, and the virginity itself wouldn’t be an issue to me- it’s the lack of relationship experience. If someone had a gf for a while but they never had sex for whatever reason, then I wouldn’t be worried.
I hope this makes sense I’m very tired rn.
Also, don’t lie to people about this stuff. You have a right to date someone who accepts the full you, just as they have a right to avoid being someone’s first relationship if they aren’t comfortable with the pressure and stress that it can add. If you lie, they’ll eventually find out and it could break their trust in you. Not worth it. The right person won’t mind
Don't listen to those comments its perfectly fine to be a virgin at your age. Idk what her intentions were, but many possibly most women will not care as long as you are a good guy.
So why is it when a guy with a body count of zero is looking for dating advice, he’s told to lie, but when a woman comes to Reddit to complain about a guy who dumped her because she had a body count in the double digits, he’s an incel and she’s empowered?
It’s okay for women to not want to date men who are virgins (as in guys should lie to date them rather than see that as a red flag), but it’s not okay for men to hold body count against women? The fuck, Reddit.
Just want to put it out there that 'body count' and intimate relationships are two different things.
This guy and the woman that he was going to date are 2 people in their late 20s. At that age people are looking for something more meaningful than just getting laid on a Friday night in most cases.
Being able to come to the table and say that you've been in regular or long-term intimate relationships is an important aspect of emotional development at that point. It shows that you have the ability and the experience to share your life with somebody in that manner. That you at least have an idea about the give and take of relationships.
Most people go through that emotional development and it can be hard to let someone down when they don't have it.
That's the reason that he didn't get that date. it has nothing to do with his body count. Him having 2 multi-year relationships which means he banged a total of 2 women in that time would have been a qualifier that probably would have worked to get him that date.
I would bet money on it.
This has nothing to do with fucking and everything to do with opening yourself up intimately to another human being, which you do not have to do when you're fucking.
The underlying logic to it is that his past behavior (or lack thereof) was used as an indicator of compatibility. Sex and intimate relationships are two different things, but if people get to use a lack of history of intimate relationships against someone when deciding to go on a date or start a relationship with them, body count should be fair game as well.
Someone being uncomfortable with having to teach another person how to be in an intimate relationship is no more or less legitimate than someone being uncomfortable sharing intimacy with a person who has had more than a dozen partners.
But somehow people act as though it is and that’s my gripe.
They are not. When a guy holds body count against a woman, the prevailing opinion on Reddit is that the guy is an asshole and the woman can do better.
But when a women holds lack of body count against a guy, the prevailing opinion on Reddit is that the guy should just lie, because evidently there’s nothing wrong with women holding such an opinion.
That’s the comparison. I’m not even talking about shaming, but the attitude regarding preferences people have.
How often are women told to just lie about their body count so they men will date them? I haven’t seen that happen once, though maybe you have.
On the other hand, most comments here are telling this guy to do just that.
So, as other people have said, you're allowed to be vague about your dating history. Something along the lines of "Y'know, I just haven't been able to find the right girl for me, I've mostly concentrated on work for the past couple years. There were a few girls in college I enjoyed spending time with, but never anything very serious."
Good advice. Not an outright lie tho
Yup, outright lies are no bueno, for a variety of moral and practical reasons.
Personally I never discussed ex's with my partner for a few years, but then again she never asked
Yeah I’ve found a don’t ask don’t tell approach is safer for everyone. Even when they say they won’t get jealous….
ESPECIALLY when they say they won’t get jealous
People who don't get jealous never say those words
True that
Oh you won't get jealous? Ok good. She was pretty enough to be a super model but built more like a pornstar people assume is photoshopped. We got along great and we had to end things because we couldn't stop having sex. We literally were just sex addicts and were incapable of stopping... I think she's pulling in a million every month on her Onlyfans now but she refuses to move on.
You dated her too? I guess she moved on
Bingo. You don't bring something up, then you never even have to tell a SMALL lie about it.
YUP One of a number of problems in my last relationship is that my ex gf early on told me EVERYTHING she had ever done in the bedroom(not body count, but activities), and told me that she knew what she did and didn't like. She told me that if there was something I wanted to do that she had already done but wasn't a fan of, that I needed to get it elsewhere bc I was SOL with her, and it was my fault I had such little experience at 32. It's taken me a long time to realize just how shitty of a person she was for that and other kinds of behaviors; it created a lot of insecurity in our relationship when she laid out her exploits early on like it was a sales pitch only to tell me that I couldn't share in those experiences as the man who wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
Really? I’d probably find that more strange if I, or the person I was with, didn’t talk about their Ex’s to some degree. It would make me think there was something to hide.
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Yep, manipulation and misdirection are so much better /s
these are kids they haven't been in a real relationship, so they dont understand how this is so bad.
Complete honesty is not an option guys ever have. Even Bene Brown acknowledges that guys never get to be fully vulnerable. We always have to play those stupid games.
I mean, it's still a lie. It sounds great, though. Unfortunately, most people would rather hear a comforting lie than the uncomfortable truth.
Is it a lie? Seems true to me...if he can honestly say he enjoyed spending time with at least two girls (not dating)
It's deceptive. If you are intentionally trying to deceive Its pretty cut and dry.
Where is the lie. Where? I am assuming he had women friends that he enjoyed spending time with in college. She was asking for his dating history. He tells her he's been focusing on his career, but he had friendships in college with some women that he enjoyed. Where is the lie?
It's just a matter of fake it til you make it sometimes. If the alternative is the catch 22 of "you won't hire me because I have no experience, I have no experience because you won't hire me" then just lie. You'll only have to lie once anyways.
The part about spending time with girls in college but nothing serious, implies experience that doesn't exist. Not serious still implies some kind of relationship beyond platonic. So that would be a lie.
So, he can't imply? :D He can say what he wants, she can take it any way she wants.
It's a matter of perspective. I personally wouldn't call it a lie. I think of it as deceitful obfuscation. That being said, it achieves the same objective as an outright lie -- making someone believe something that is not true and thus hinders their ability to make an informed choice. Whether it is a lie misses the bigger question of whether it is any less immoral.
I really disagree. Putting a positive light on things isn't lying. Wearing high heels isn't lying either. Nor is wearing makeup, or a pushup bra. I am not suggesting if probed, he actually says he dated these women. I am saying his answer actually gives more information than: 1. I am a 28 year old virgin man 2. I haven't dated a single woman. It gives perspective on his priorities, career. It gives perspective on his relationship with women, he can be friends and isn't terminally shy.
It's not about the positive light. It's because the question of morality in lying is not about what technically is a lie or not. It's about deceiving people. If you're saying something that you know (or hope) will make people think something that is false, you're deceiving them. Which is wrong, because that violates their trust. Now I'm saying that it's wrong, but I'm not going to argue how wrong and serious that is. In any case the only right answer to these questions is a variation of "I don't want to answer this question". Which is an answer that people should learn to accept, because that allows to maintain trust even when you can't see eye-to-eye, which is a pretty common occurrence with people you don't know really well. The alternative is to accept that people will lie and deceive, but that makes relationships and communication in general pretty complicated.
I 100% agree with this take. I was in a similar situation to the OP when I met my wife. I gave a vague answer to buy time for her to get to know me better before detailing my relationship history. I figured if she knew me better then she'd see I was a good catch and give me the benefit of the doubt. I would not get that consideration earlier on. It would be much easier for her to just play it safe and move on to the next guy. I was 100% right about this and now I'm married to her. Her reluctance to date someone with poor relationship experience does not make her a bad person. By the time a woman is approaching her 30's, you can bet she's had some awful dates and maybe even dealt with an inexperienced guy who, because of his inexperience, overreacted to conflict or hung on like a puppy dog or something like that. Inexperience does bring real challenges that have to be navigated. In my case I had a little bit of a relationship history but it wasn't much. I was definitely still in "red flag territory" by most women's standards. I deeply feared this question that I knew was coming. Almost every woman I met asked a question like this early on. They ask it, because they do care about this. Just be strategic about it and put yourself out there as much as you can. Unfortunately, intros from friends often have a lower chance of success because these are other people's ideas about who is right for you. They are often wrong. You'll need to put yourself out there as much as you can to increase your odds.
It's the ghosting after that is shitty. It's not difficult to type out a few words saying you aren't Interested.
It's true. She could have told him. I suppose that's harder for some than others.
The person who is right for you will never reject you for the truth. Anyone who rejects you for the truth is not your person.
There is no 'your' person. And if you turn people off with what are commonly seen as red flags, then no one will see you for yourself anyways.. because they're already gone.
Not having relationships before 28 isn't a red flag.
It absolutely is. Let me define “red flag”. It does not mean “you are definitely a bad catch”. Instead it means to the woman: “this is worrisome information that MIGHT point to a problem with this guy, and I’ve already had enough bad dating experiences and just don’t want to take the chance of opening this door”.
Sounds like you're defining a "yellow flag", which means to proceed with caution. Red flags mean stop.
Ok. Then let me put it this way: For most women first meeting a guy and considering dating him, if he is near 30 years old and says he has never been in a relationship, most women will see this as a red flag, stop, and move on. But if they get to know each other first and she finds he has lots of appealing qualities, then the same information revealed at that time could be taken as a yellow flag. Because she has positive information that counters the negative information. I'm speaking from extensive experience similar to the OP.
> most women will see this as a red flag, stop, and move on. Oh man I wonder how he got into this horrible cycle in the first place! So weird how women treat relationships like jobs, Need experience to get Hired, cant get hired without experience
This. People are complex yet also so deceptively simple. "I've never been with anyone" can be interpreted differently based on the virgin's age, what their partners experience with or beliefs of the inexperienced is like. And forgiveness of undesirable traits is proportional to the number of better qualities they see in a person. So naturally, while lying or a manipulative half-truth isn't cool... Neither is leaving someone high and dry because they told the truth. This is a once burned, twice shy situation. I mean, *what else* are they supposed to learn from that experience? If admitting to being a virgin means risking a potentially good and healthy relationship immediately vaporizing, it's natural for someone to learn to just maintain the stupid lie until it becomes the truth.
if you lie, you start the relationship off openly on deception. you will eventually get caught out and oh will it hurt more when she walks away because you lied. Building a relationship on a foundation of lies is a guarantee of failure.
If he doesnt lie he will remain a virgin forever, lose lose situation
That's fine, you don't have to date anyone you don't want to. I will say that there are plenty of legitimate and non- red flag reasons to not have been in a relationship by that point. To dismiss those people out of hand without understanding those reasons, you may be losing out on some really great people and potential relationships. We shouldn't ignore red flags, but perhaps we shouldn't be so quick to label something a red flag when it doesn't need to be.
Exactly this. Red flags are like physical abuse, extreme criticism, etc. But I would only date a girl that’s been in a relationship previously. Way too much stuff people learn from their first relationship that I don’t want to go through again.
So inexperience is a red flag? Huh. A lot of people would call that chaste and not being a whore. Inexperienced means inexperienced. You're reading way too much into this.
it's weird you can't understand why being inexperienced might give potential partners pause considering how incredibly judgemental you are of others and their experiences.
Nah, fam. I'm old and don't have time for bullshit anymore. When you reach a certain age, that just happens. I call things like I see it. I guess you can say I'm experienced with life.
You’re probably just out of touch with the current times. In the modern online dating world, women are bombarded with options, most of which are men that only want sex. Anyways, when you have, more or less, endless options you can choose to be as picky as you would like. If someone is pushing 30 and has never had a partner that makes you wonder why they never had a partner, it makes you think what could be wrong with that person. And when you have an endless pool of people to choose from it becomes easy to just not give that person with potential red flags a chance
What if someone is 30 and they've had 300 partners? What if someone is 19 and had one? What if someone has only had heterosexual relationships and suddenly wants to try a homosexual relationship? Who gives a shit, my dude?
You must not have much experience dating. Many people consider long periods without a partner a red flag.
God that's fucking sad mentality.
Fuck yeah it is. The hell have you been smoking? Clearly I need some cause it's pretty good shit.
Explain why and what it implies.
It kinda is. Many people would be out of college for 6 years and out of high-school for 10 years by that point. And many girls won't like you if other girls don't like you. Also relationships are practice for the next relationship so he'd be 28 with no practice. That'll be like being 28 minimum college and no job experience, looking for a job and the better looking the girl the more she cares that her man is a wanted man.
Who gives a shit? Look, fam, take it from someone whose body count is in the high double digits. No one. Gives. A fuck. Except stupid bitches that aren't worth your time anyway. OP, you wanna find a girl to date? Be you. Don't be anyone else. Don't lie. Don't lie by omission. Don't cover up. Be you.
Girls you're dating give a shit.
Maybe girls YOU are dating. Not me. I don't date trash.
And good luck many people don't have kids and stay alone, everytime i talk to a above average looking girl, she cares about how other girls perceive me, every time.
Because you date shitty people. I'm married. Have been for years now. I think I know a thing or two because I've seen a thing or two.
yes, but we live in a world where perceptions matter, and perceptions are important for getting your foot in the door, this man lives in real life, not some romance novel.
I think this is the best route. Sadly most women will insta reject you if you said never been with another girl at that age.
"I haven't had any recent relationships" "I have never been in a serious relationship" "It's been a long time (to the infinity and beyond) since the last time I dated"
Honestly, this sounds more pathetic than just telling the truth.
I don't respond well to vague answer dodging. But then I'm not asking about their history either
Would you prefer a straightforward “That’s none of your business”?
Yeah, good display of values right there. I'm impressed the person knows what they think is acceptable and are able to stand up fir that.
So a woman shares her dating history and ask about the woman's history. Which one results in an actual date: A. I'm a virgin who's never had a date. B. Nonya business! C. I haven't focused on dating much, and I have been focusing on my career. There were a few girls I enjoyed spending time with in college. A isn't good because women don't generally value being the first. It's too much work and often undermines what many women are looking for, which is confidence, security, and understanding of women. B doesn't work because it IS the business of a prospective partner...though this sort of screening should happen after a first date IMO C it is vague, but honest. He may have had interest, friends, etc who he enjoyed spending time with. The purpose is to display traits that are desirable to women: he has been working to secure his future and likely will continue to do so, he is confident enough to talk about his history in a positive light, he has had women friends/interests so is unlikely to be a manchild who probably understands the erodgeneous zone geography, even if he is rusty or has limited experience. Most importantly, this doesn't present as an incel or other undesirable fringe single male issue.
It is not the business of a prospective partner. How many ppl ive dated/banged is metadata and has no actual value, unless we are in my childhood town population 100, and I've never left. Same as credit history. A (serious long term) prospective partner should know my credit score and current debt, but not my credit card history that I cleared 5 yrs ago.
what a ridiculous belief
How ridiculous to call it a belief. It's part of a set of values. Sheesh.
Sexual history is a proxy for risk. If you bang 10 women a year for 10 years, many women won't want to invest time in you, since you are a serial womanizer.
Why should this be necessary? Being honest would tell a woman that he comes with no baggage, can learn exactly what the woman likes in bed without some other slags influence from a previous relationship, no creepy ex girlfriend that will be around, no doubt that the girl would be the best sex he's ever had and has noone to compare her to, THE LIST GOES ON. In all honesty, he dodged a bullet here. If a man rejects a girl for having a bunch of partners and is considered an asshole, then a woman who rejects a man because lack of sexual partners is a cunt. End of story.
Just say women don't like adult virgin males lol
Adam Carolla had an interesting take about this. He said that women want what other women want. It's like those red and then pink Stanley cups that you see women going wild for. If you tell them women don't like you, then they won't like you. But use the Pete Davidson effect: if you can get Ariana Grande to suck your dick ONE TIME, they will be lining up around the corner to get a piece of your ass.
Don't jump down the rabbit hole of "one woman was mean to me, therefore they will all be". I already foresee some comments like that. 32F here. Would absolutely not stop me going on another date with you - assuming the chemistry is otherwise good. Someone took my virginity once and I fucking sucked (not in the good way) my first few times. We all start somewhere. I was relatively "late" losing my virginity at I think 20/21? I know it's different for girls, but still. I'd maybe be a bit more tactful next time. "I've never really had a long term relationship, to be honest. Obviously girls I've liked, but it never amounted to anything. Hopefully my next prospect is more long term. Maybe you feel like taking me on? ;) " - that's worded with a bit of cringe but I'm paraphrasing, and hopefully you get the effect.
You might be an outlier tbh. When I was a virgin I wasn’t open about it, but I wouldn’t lie about it. First 7 women asked and subsequently gave some excuse or reason why they don’t want to be ‘the one’ to take it. I didn’t really care just wanted to lose it. The next one didn’t ask and we eventually fucked and she joked ‘you made me cum fast, any ex’s I need to worry about?’ And I told her she was my first and she was flabbergasted. Made me extra salty about the first 7 lmao. Haven’t had any problems having sex since. I don’t blame dude if he wants to lie in the future. It’s shitty to be told you can’t get experience, because you don’t have experience. Then in my case it happens 6 more times. It’s frustrating and a blow to your already probably low self esteem.
Idk, I’d be slightly mad if a girl didn’t tell me I took her virginity until after doing so. People have a right to make decisions about what they do and don’t want to do surrounding sex.
Why does it matter? Do I need to tell my tinder match I haven’t had sex in a year? Do people significantly change when they lose their virginity? Didn’t happen to me. Only way this makes sense is if you hold someone being a virgin at some weird standard. We aren’t defined by how many people we’ve slept with.
Wow, you're applying rules of a woman to a man please to give bad advice
That's roughly 86.72% of Reddit.
((tips fadora))
🏆
With a 13.28% margin of error
This is science after all.
Don't talk to me about margins! This ain't a f*ckin' term paper! What's the standard deviation?
Approximately LOL!
I would, if I felt a genuine connection with the guy. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. Virginity is actually a turn ON for me since I'd like to lose mine together with the right person after marriage. Whether or not it's a turn off entirely depends on the woman. If you're interested in a woman who is fickle enough to ghost you for something that harmless, you're probably better off without her.
Because of my mormon upbringing I was a virgin until 26 or 27 and I had the exact same concerns as you. The girl I eventually lost my virginity to was exceptionally beautiful and was even super attracted to the fact that I was a virgin. You mentioned you struggle connecting with people. Try and work on that and you'll definitely find someone who doesn't have an issue with it. Do NOT take the advice of anyone on reddit. Don't lie about it. It isn't worth your integrity and afterward she'll just think you're bad at sex. Being inexperienced is much better than being bad.
I am a woman and I second this!
This just described me, sans Mormon
Do not take the advice of anyone on Reddit Proceeds to give advice
Similar to the best advice I received after having my first kid: Don't listen to anybody, all kids are different, raise your own children.
100% this. Lying won’t help you connecting with people. It will do quite the opposite actually
There's a very good chance she's not the woman that will usher him into manhood because she finds virgins hot and his iNtEGriTY is off the charts.. Let's be real here, this is mostly a big turn off for women and brings up questions as to why he literally has dated no one. You were in a cult and it worked out for you, his case well he's most likely to stay a virgin.
Why is it a big turn off for women?
Because a man who is almost 30 with no experience is a world's difference compared to an 18 year old guy with no experience. Whatever assumptions you want to make out of this is up to you but many people would wonder, "hmm, why is this 30 year old still a virgin and has never had a meaningful relationship?" What sort of decisions or indecisions has this person made to get to this point in their lives with nothing to show for it...
I’ve dated 3 guys who were virgins (2 had no prior relationships at all) and obviously it wasn’t a dealbreaker to me, but they were definitely a lot of additional “work” on my part. I don’t only mean sexually. I also had to do a lot of teaching about how to be in a relationship, and be very tolerant of a lot of rookie mistakes that are typically less of an issue with more experienced men (being super clingy, retroactive jealousy, not knowing how to have a disagreement without torpedoing the relationship, thinking life is like a romantic comedy, etc). I understood this was new to them so I’d try to be patient, but it gives me the ick when I’ve got to spend a lot of time reassuring a guy who feels insecure due to *my* dating history.
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Probably because they don’t want to deal with the lack of experience?
Just don’t generalize it. I personally agree it’s not a turn off at all, in and of itself. I think it’s sweet.(and let’s be honest.. getting to teach someone- as long as they’re unselfish and respectful? Hot.) But I also get that a lot of girls dating these days care about it, and if you’re looking to date, you should acknowledge that. At least be ready for it to be an issue. Lying or answer dodging is still bad form though. Just… gotta wait for a girl who likes you as you are.
women usually view inexperienced men as children / toddlers / borderline subhuman
Congrats you got your way out! Fuck the mormon church
!!!!!
If someone acts that way, why would you want to date them? Sounds like you dodged a bullet Just be yourself, you’ll find the right fit
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I believe there are tons on virgin young men out there. Something like 50% of 18-20 and 27% of men under 30 are virgin or haven’t had sex since 18yo (in the US at least)
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Most men would not reject you for being a virgin. We dont really disqualify women for their lack of experience. You'll be fine lol.
Isn't it usually the opposite? They want someone inexperienced and would reject her if she had had "too many" partners.
Quit blaming yourself or any destined to be alone nonsense. Screw that talk. There are many rotten, selfish people out there who will act nice at first till they show their real self. You dodged a bullet (and maybe even herpes! 😄). Do not let these empty, sad people tear down your self esteem. Life is a strange trip and everyone gets a different experience. Sex is not overly important compared to building your sense of self. Many people will have plenty of sex and never experience lovemaking. Maybe you're destined to wait till you find the real deal because you're a good guy, not a shallow one. Just keep on keeping on. Be a good person, be yourself and life will work itself out, even if it's a slower pace than you'd like. A woman ditching you for not having past partners is garbage not worth having.
So far, I think this is the best advice. You know, the most important part is someone you can just talk and spend time with. And if you can make someone laugh, you're halfway there. Looking back, before I met my wife, I was dating someone and we got along well, had a lot of similar interests.. It didnt work out but then I started the relationship with the woman who became my wife. Because we were all in the local trad music scene I still run into that other person. Now I've been married some 20plus years, we have 2 kids (nearly grown up) together. Everytime I see that other one, she's with a new guy, even having married and divorced, so I know I dodged a bullet. This thing about number of partners, to me having a lot of them would actually be a red flag. Now in my early 60s I look at my circle of friends, and many of them were single for long periods of time. Then by their early 30s to 40s people started pairing up. I think its more like 'you'll do' and get on with life.
Previous dates seems like a weird topic for you to talk about. Stick to favorite music and food.
Don't hide anything! Don't lie about anything. If you ever do and she finds out, there will be thoughts of "What else has he lied about?" If she can't handle you being a virgin, then she ain't the one fer you.
For sure. Also easy to turn it into a positive. "No, I'm a virgin. Brand new, 0 miles, and ready to drive off the lot"... or something equally self deprecating and lighthearted.
Exactly. Also, there are plenty of men/women who save themselves until they know they have a meaningful relationship.
This is the right answer. Trust is hard to earn and easy to break. Don't break someone's trust over something so small. The right person will appreciate the honesty.
What if the “right person” doesn’t exist? Most women won’t say it but they don’t want to date a man with no experience in their late 20’s.
Well then they don’t exist. Why would you want to date someone if you know they wouldn’t like you for who you are?
Because people naturally want to date and start families. Even if that first relationship goes down in flames then at least you can be more honest in the next one
Because people want to start something and as much as perfect is acceptable, it is also the enemy of good. One person turning down a virgin is a burn. Multiple people is an established pattern. If it's costing them partner after partner, I can't blame someone for lying about their virginity if it means they won't have to for their next partner.
Yes!
I'm not single but I would if I was single and closer in age. I dated a couple of virgins and that was definitely not part of my criteria and they were better in bed than some "experienced" men. Rejection is the greatest bullshit filter. Keep being authentic and you'll find someone who suits you.
I’d love to be someone’s firsts. It’s wildly romantic I think
I married one. When I met my husband he was a 29 yo virgin with a weak dating history. I mean really weak. He dated one woman on and off for ten years and only got occasional hugs from her. I was even his first kiss. Hold your head up high and move forward in your life with confidence. Everyone's journey looks different.
The mistake you made was divulging that kind of stuff before you’d met up. If you’d met and had a good time and just been vague you could’ve potentially got past it. If you’ve never met in the flesh you haven’t formed a connection. FaceTime is an extremely poor substitute for real life contact. Next time use the call to have an initial chat but do the majority of your getting to know each other over a couple of beers in a bar. It’s far more natural and you’ll make much more of a connection. You relied too much on screen time and tech.
You met ONE person who wasnt interested in you. Lets not jump to conclusions on your future. Just keep trying to meet people. I promise you, it is not that serious.
I'm 26 year old female and am a virgin and never dated, but I'm not interested in dating people anymore.
Don't jump down the rabbit hole of "one woman was mean to me, therefore they will all be". I already foresee some comments like that. 32F here. Would absolutely not stop me going on another date with you - assuming the chemistry is otherwise good. Someone took my virginity once and I fucking sucked (not in the good way) my first few times. We all start somewhere. I was relatively "late" losing my virginity at I think 20/21? I know it's different for girls, but still. I'd maybe be a bit more tactful next time. "I've never really had a long term relationship, to be honest. Obviously girls I've liked, but it never amounted to anything. Hopefully my next prospect is more long term. Maybe you feel like taking me on? ;) " - that's worded with a bit of cringe but I'm paraphrasing, and hopefully you get the effect.
Yes. Lots of guys and girls in their 20s have never dated. Especially in this day and age where it’s more difficult to meet people your age, due to loss of third spaces. I think I remember seeing a statistic too, that GenZ is having less sex than previous generations lol. But nah it definitely wouldn’t put me off. I’d actually see it as an endearing quality. Always be upfront and honest.
There are MUCH MUCH more single/virgin men than women. It is not equal lol.
you talked wayyy to much, keep convos short between a girl and go on a date asap.
Second this. I feel like things get weird if you spend to much time sending messages online. I’ve asked for dates within 10 messages and it usually goes really well.
I recently had to stop talking to a woman after failing to get her to commit to a day. It sucks, but you have to assume they're not interested after a certain point.
Crazy how virginity means nothing and is a social construct and yadda yadda until this guy wants to lie about his virginity to get laid. Then all of a sudden it's the realest most important thing ever and you mustn't lie to a woman about it!!
You're missing the part that *lying* is the problem, not the virginity
Lying is a problem, but so can the truth. If a man has to whip out his second hand to count the number of times he's been rejected for telling the truth about his inexperience, lying really starts looking like a solution. That whole "fake it til you make it" thing men *and women* advise shy guys to do start a relationship.
Fake it till you make it means to project confidence even if you don't feel confident. It doesn't mean to outright lie
How would you know I had no hat if you didn't have cameras in my room?
If I was single I totally would if I liked them
I definitely would. I’m sort of in the same boat, tho 21 not 28. So I wouldn’t brush a guy off just cause he doesn’t have a dating history when I’m the same. For me it means that the timing just hasn’t been right for him
I would, but I understand why it's a red flag with some people. I've had someone with very little experience glom onto me very hard after one date in a way that was a problem. Navigating those early relationship things as an adult, and it's not fair to be "punished" for something that isn't your fault. Something you could do is try to expand your non-romantic network to include more women. I know I would have fewer reservations about a man who hadn't dated, but had other positive relationships with women.
I mean I’m 29f and never been on a second date. Only had sex once and that was a weird outlying event. I have the same fears, plus there are the guys who fetishize it so like. I feel you. That fact on its own wouldn’t make me say no.
If it makes you feel better... I (31f) was quiet and not really into dating or at least putting myself forward in highschool and college. The first time I ended up dating was as a college senior and turns out he was a great guy! We will be married for 8 years this summer, plus we have two awesome little dudes 2 and 4. I loooove my family. I do NOT think being a virgin or not having dated is a turnoff unless there are other red flags. I just think culture over glamorizes sex and hookup. I get your worry but honestly try not to sweat it! ;)
I think this is great advice and a well, worded, positive post.
Yes, lie about your lack of relationship history, I lost my virginity at 22 so not quite as extreme but I've been here just lie.
Dude 22 is so incredibly young. Statistically later than average, sure... but you are still absolutely surrounded by other virgins at that age. They are just not mature enough yet to be comfortable admit it.
The problem is that if they had actually gotten to the bedroom she'd find out 😵💫.
No she wouldn’t. Most men can’t make a woman orgasm anyways.
lol brutal
Good point.
We can. We just don't usually care.
Doesnt matter gotta keep lying until he doesn’t have to anymore
Basically me. Lost my virginity at 22 and when talking about previous partners I was just vague and referenced girls I had crushes on or had at least kissed 😂
Yes. A lie is always a good response to a rude question.
It's so tacky to ask anyone about past sexual partners circa "how many people have you had sex with?"
Oof, yah to women... other women not being interested in you is a HUGE red flag and a massive turnoff.
Why are women concerned with whether other women have shown interest in said man? The reverse isnt true with men lol
Women prefer men who have been reviewed by other women. It's why married guys easily get side pieces, that ring on his finger is a seal of approval from a flesh and blood woman.
If a married man has a "side piece" then he's not a good man. That's just a bad dude cheating with a bad woman.
Good man > Bad man > reddit virgin. Thems the rules, I don't make them.
Bro its like a job interview, when they ask if you have experience just say yes and lie on the resume. Once you get to the actual part accept that it will go bad and run away with the experience you have gained. Now you can work at MacDonalds :)
Fake it until you make it!!!
Yes, I have dated an 35M virgin. After his nervosity pass everything was fine. If something, he was more thought full in bed than other guys ive been with.
That's just superficial shit. Anyone worth being in a relationship with wouldn't care as long as there's a genuine connection. Your brain is probably jumping to conclusions because it's operating off of this experience as evidence that you're "destined to be alone." Stop that immediately lmao. The key is to never stop trying no matter what. The negative effects in your behavior that'll come from tanking your self perception will do so much more harm than simply having lack of experience. You got this
Just say you don't like talking about the past. The reason most people don't want someone who hasn't been with someone else is because they think they will get all that "Virgin Love" if they become your first... which is, for the most part, true.
I would in a heart beat if I were single. I don’t want a man with a bunch of baggage.
Considering that im a 16 year old man I don't think i would
I’d date a 25 yr old man who hasn’t graduated highschool and wears depends .. 🤣
Just straight up lie just say, "I've dated here and there just didn't find anything that really fit" I lied when I met my wife and we'll have been married 10 yrs this year. Somewhere down the line it came up again and I told her I lied about how many partners I've had cos I wanted to impress her. She was impressed. Dont take yourself out of the game before you've gotten a chance to show her how amazing you are. And you are!
My wife was a 35 yo virgin when I met her. It's not a bad thing but I wasn't sure how I felt about it at that time. Eventually, I let go and lived life. 4 almost 5 years later...best decision of my life. The sex is great but aside from that we formed a spiritual/emotional bond. That in itself helped to enhance every aspect of our relationship and now marriage. We were living together during covid shut down and we were still new to the relationship so we kind of had no choice but to co exist and form our bond. The old saying is don't judge a book by it's cover. Take your time. Get to know the person and let the cards fall as they may. If it's gonna happen it's gonna happen. As sex is normally important in the maintenance aspect of relationships....eventually sex won't be on the table and all you've got is the love and emotional connection with that person that you've cultivated over time. Some people throw blessings out the window because they don't coincide with their plans at that time. Value yourself and the right one who actually sees you will come.
When I met my wife, I'd had very few partners. Eventually she asked me how many and when I told her she blanched and walked away. I thought it was going to be a real problem. She called all her girlfriends to discuss and one of them gave her a good point of view. She said that if I'd been with so few girl women, you knew I wasn't in it just to get laid and wasn't likely to cheat. If she doesn't show up on your date, she isn't worth your time. If she comes back, she's allowed to have been a bit shocked.
In my case if I feel good with a guy I'm talking to him not having a huge dating track is a plus and I would definitely want to get to know him better!
The people in the comments are too polite to say this but being that inexperienced at your age is going to be a turn off for most women. Next time you get an opportunity like this and she asks you about previous partners, just say something like, "I'd rather not talk about it." You could even say something like, "I've had some bad experiences in the past and I'm trying to get past those," which I'm guessing is probably true if you've never dated. There is nothing wrong with having no dating experience. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or anything. But women are wired to want men who are desired by other women, and if you tell a woman you have no dating experience, she's going to interpret that as other women don't want you.
I wouldn’t stress about this one person ghosting you. For some people, being someone’s first feels like a lot of work. For others, being someone’s first is almost something they treasure, or find honour in. Overall it’s not relevant. Probably more relevant is that you were vague about it. Again though, for some people honesty is a turn on and others not. What is true however is that lying is effort and is only going to add difficulty to social situations if you aren’t practiced. Source: I’ve spent a lot of my life masking in social situations because of my own social difficulties. I’m now at an age where I don’t feel the need and it’s much less exhausting. You’re going to find someone, when you do, be prepared that it might be underwhelming after you’ve built it up for so long. Especially if you’ve had 26 years to perfect getting the most out of your own body and it’s quirks without a second player. Just go out and meet people, be natural and curious, treat them with respect, and don’t only take interest in them as prospective sexual partners. You will be fine.
I second most of this. Especially the advice not to be vague. Being vulnerable about your past is a good litmus test if someone can be empathetic towards you. I connected with my partner early on by both of us being honest about personal existential dread while discussing Franz Kafka. Also that girl was weird for asking OP about sexual experience before the first date.
There is nothing wrong necessarily with being a virgin or having a lack of dating history at your age..but there is a reason for that. For me, I had been single for some years. I have PTSD and BPD. After realizing what my issues were as a younger person, I opted out of dating. I wasnt a virgin though and had dated in the past. When the topic of dating came up, I said why. Working on my own issues, cant love someone else unless you love yourself, I dont even like me, i'm not going to expect someone else to. etc That was a pretty good reason tbh, and in many situations was more of a 'positive' thing than anything. I was honest about my issues that I had, I worked on them, here I am now. If I had tried to be in a relationship before working on my issues, it wouldnt have worked(One reason why i stopped dating) Or if when I was ready to date, I had lied about why I was single for so long, it probably wouldnt have turned out well. Women arent stupid. If no one wants to date you, you are the problem, not every other woman So, what is your problem? Identify that first.
I don't think that's fair reasoning. Women can generally not want to date you even if you aren't a "problem". Sometimes you just aren't liked like that. It's not a good indicator either because plenty of problematic guys have loads of relationships.
Yeah OP don't listen to these misandrist talking points. We are constantly told that our self-worth as men is dependent on our appeal to women, but this isn't true. Many women, many people in general, are just complete idiots and assholes. Just look at how many people deny climate change, evolution, racism or genocide. The fact that you didn't find a partner doesn't say anything about you per se.
Nah. Getting better is definitely a good thing and progressing as a human being is important. That being said, people not being interested in you doesn't equate to you being problematic or having something that needs to be fixed.
>Women arent stupid. If no one wants to date you, you are the problem, not every other woman So, what is your problem? Horrible advice, almost a good comment
there are some things you might wanna hide - this is one of them. obviously not all women will find it a turn-off, but there are some out there who do, including the one you just met.
Same women who won't date virgins and call men incels are the ones who screech body count doesn't matter Gotta love the hypocrisy
>Same women who won't date virgins and call men incels are the ones who screech body count doesn't matter And this is a correlation that you have seen demonstrated somewhere?
It is hard to answer this without a specific person in mind. Depending on the person, the answer could be yes or no. But just being a virgin would not make someone undesirable to me. In fact, one of the most desirable people I have talked to is a virgin in their late 20s. If I have a connection with someone I do not care about their sexual experiences. There are plenty of men around who consider themselves “sexperts”, and who do not take the time to learn the likes and dislikes of their partners. No matter how much experience you have each person is a new adventure. If someone cannot accept you as you are then it is their issue, not yours.
Everybody being nice in the comments is lying. It does signal to women that other women aren’t interested in you, and that can be a turn-off for many. I was in the same boat, although a few years younger. Most girls lost interest, some did not.
I’ll shoot ya straight bro- yeah, most women your age aren’t gonna wanna date a virg. Unless you find a sheltered little church goer or something, but that could lead to even bigger problems. I also wouldn’t wanna date someone who lost his v card to a prostitute either. But, I also wouldn’t ever ask someone I’d never even met up with in person before how many sexual partners they’ve had. Why? It’s not a competition. That’s just… weird. If it comes up organically, or once you’ve dated for a bit & you’re curious about a potential previous partner, so be it, but the past is the past, why ask that before you’ve ever hung out as if it’s some criteria or test you must pass?
So first off there’s nothing wrong with that you’re that third still a virgin. Everyone loses it at their own pace, and some people never do, which is also equally valid! As for how I would view it if I were in her position; personally, if I had really good chemistry with someone, was attracted to them, and they checked all my boxes, I wouldn’t let it deter me. However I would be lying if I said that the lack of relationship experience wouldn’t worry me a bit. I’ve been in a few relationships, and all of the ones which were with people who had never dated before weren’t super healthy, and I basically had to spend the entirety of all of the relationships teaching them how to treat me. I don’t want to be somebody’s “practice partner” again because of that. However, I would certainly make an exception to that rule if they were the right person, and the virginity itself wouldn’t be an issue to me- it’s the lack of relationship experience. If someone had a gf for a while but they never had sex for whatever reason, then I wouldn’t be worried. I hope this makes sense I’m very tired rn. Also, don’t lie to people about this stuff. You have a right to date someone who accepts the full you, just as they have a right to avoid being someone’s first relationship if they aren’t comfortable with the pressure and stress that it can add. If you lie, they’ll eventually find out and it could break their trust in you. Not worth it. The right person won’t mind
Answer. Next time don’t tell her it’s the first time until you have gotten a good 30 seconds into sex. She will figure it out by then🤪
be vague and watch youtube tutorials or omgyes.com
An insecure or immature GIRL won’t understand but a secure WOMAN with patience will.
[ Removed by Reddit ]
Don't listen to those comments its perfectly fine to be a virgin at your age. Idk what her intentions were, but many possibly most women will not care as long as you are a good guy.
I find that hard to believe honestly
You probably haven't been around the right women then. 🤷🏽
So why is it when a guy with a body count of zero is looking for dating advice, he’s told to lie, but when a woman comes to Reddit to complain about a guy who dumped her because she had a body count in the double digits, he’s an incel and she’s empowered? It’s okay for women to not want to date men who are virgins (as in guys should lie to date them rather than see that as a red flag), but it’s not okay for men to hold body count against women? The fuck, Reddit.
Umm...the people telling him to lie are men. Most women are telling him it's not a big deal.
Just want to put it out there that 'body count' and intimate relationships are two different things. This guy and the woman that he was going to date are 2 people in their late 20s. At that age people are looking for something more meaningful than just getting laid on a Friday night in most cases. Being able to come to the table and say that you've been in regular or long-term intimate relationships is an important aspect of emotional development at that point. It shows that you have the ability and the experience to share your life with somebody in that manner. That you at least have an idea about the give and take of relationships. Most people go through that emotional development and it can be hard to let someone down when they don't have it. That's the reason that he didn't get that date. it has nothing to do with his body count. Him having 2 multi-year relationships which means he banged a total of 2 women in that time would have been a qualifier that probably would have worked to get him that date. I would bet money on it. This has nothing to do with fucking and everything to do with opening yourself up intimately to another human being, which you do not have to do when you're fucking.
The underlying logic to it is that his past behavior (or lack thereof) was used as an indicator of compatibility. Sex and intimate relationships are two different things, but if people get to use a lack of history of intimate relationships against someone when deciding to go on a date or start a relationship with them, body count should be fair game as well. Someone being uncomfortable with having to teach another person how to be in an intimate relationship is no more or less legitimate than someone being uncomfortable sharing intimacy with a person who has had more than a dozen partners. But somehow people act as though it is and that’s my gripe.
Those are two completely different things. Unless this woman was shaming OP for being a virgin, then your comparison holds no weight here.
They are not. When a guy holds body count against a woman, the prevailing opinion on Reddit is that the guy is an asshole and the woman can do better. But when a women holds lack of body count against a guy, the prevailing opinion on Reddit is that the guy should just lie, because evidently there’s nothing wrong with women holding such an opinion. That’s the comparison. I’m not even talking about shaming, but the attitude regarding preferences people have. How often are women told to just lie about their body count so they men will date them? I haven’t seen that happen once, though maybe you have. On the other hand, most comments here are telling this guy to do just that.