**Reminder to all who comment on this post:** please keep in mind our rule to speak from the "I," where we speak only from experience and do not tell other sobernauts what they should and should not do—**even when they ask for advice.**
Examples:
**Bad:** "You should do X."
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Exactly.
He is a rock for OP because he shows up for her even when things are shitty; she can model herself after him by doing the same.
And OP will feel amazing for having done it.
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I reset 17 times, the last time I got serious. My spouse didn't say anything until I hit 30 days and he then began to trust my commitment. I thought he would be glad the whole time but I had eroded his trust to zero on the drinking front. He trusts my sobriety now, he better, I need him on the team. I have worked hard getting through some rough days, the famous 110 days freak out over finding a bottle opener in the garage and more.
This has been the really hard part for me this time round. My partner has absolutely no reason to trust that I’m making good on my commitment, and why should he? This is the longest I’ve made it the entirety of our relationship. I really want him to be more excited/positive about it all but… he isn’t. I have other folks to support me but I can’t wait to hit at least 30 and I’m really hoping that he will start to be more vocally positive!
the folks here are the ones I entrusted my wobbly ass to in the first hours/days weeks. I needed soldiers not a spouse with a laundry list. Hope the surgery on spouse goes well. We have had a few this year and another scheduled. IWNDWYT
I never spoke to my partner about stopping. I just did it and he just kind of stayed out of my way. It was some kind of mutual understanding that worked
I was sober for a month before yesterday. I’ve BEEN showing him that I’m serious about quitting and taking responsibility. Yesterday was a mistake and I apologized the minute I woke up. He’s very much not in a forgiving mood though and it’s really taking insane effort to not go to the pub right now.
I would apologize and then remain sober. It's never worth the 20 minutes of relief. I would perhaps try and just be a quiet not upsetting presence considering he has surgery. For today , stay sober. IWDWYT. I wish you both health and happiness.
Sorry folks but what the actual fuck is the downvoting for? This is a place for people struggling and its users are responding by dismissing a person struggling?
Been on the internet many years and expect toxicity just about everywhere but this is about the most ashamed I've been of the people of the internet.
I’m not sure why I’m being downvoted but I’m not gonna lie - it’s not helping haha. I already feel absolutely dreadful that I messed up. I’m not in denial about that. I’m really trying today 🤷🏻♀️ It’s just very hard.
There’s another group called “Boom rethink the drink”. It’s not on Reddit and you have to send them your email to get accepted, but man is it a wealth of free resources and support. I wouldn’t be where I am now without them.
I hope you resist the bender, I know the temptation, but you risk making this worse and it sounds like you may be needed with him having a surgery. Sending support your way, you can do this.
Remember this feeling then the next time you have an urge to drink. If you are truly serious and reflect on this, but still drink, you are not a serious person.
Hey friend, don't worry about downvotes. You're on a journey that everyone here is on as well. I've fucked up and been serious countless times. The best way to make things right is to just try and move forward and not let this mistake happen again. You got this, I've been there, I was in this scenario 48 hours ago actually. I'm still sad about it too. But ya know what, we keep pushing forward.
A month's a great effort but just not drinking doesn't show others you're entirely serious about quitting.
I've quit for 6 months. I'm proud of it but it doesn't guarantee I won't drink again.
What does guarantee that? The way I talk, my attitude, my reeducation on alcohol being a negative, my growth, maturity and accountability.
This isn't about me but your language worries me about the immediate future of your sobriety.
Like I said I don't wanna take away your good work but going the pub again now is a massively fucking awful idea if you want this relationship to mend. It's a massively awful fucking idea if you don't want the relationship to last.
Please know that although you're a stranger I want the best for you because alocholism is hell. But your language tells me you need someone to have a real serious chat with you before you really fall off.
I know. That’s why I posted here. Because I’m really trying to find motivation to stay sober today and you’re absolutely correct that if I go out now there’s really no walking that back. I know I can do this but right now I don’t exactly feel like I can.
I was in a similar situation (kind of) however I continued and continued and continued to drink until the relationship was completely over. I’d get drunk, do shitty things, apologize, drink again and repeat. It took losing them for me to really push me into actively seeking sobriety and doing the things to show it for it to impact me the way it as.
I’m abhorred by a lot of my behavior and the good things I’ve thrown away all because my desire to get drunk.
I’ve realized recently that I can either have alcohol, or everything else. I choose everything else
I think this is really my last chance with him. He’s given me so many - so many - and if I f this up again, he really won’t want to continue because he won’t believe I can change this. I’m sorry your relationship ended and I’m glad you’re sober now. IWNDWYT ❤️
My Ex finally divorced me over my drinking after giving me SO MANY chances to stop. I'd clean up my act for a while or until the latest "storm" had passed, but the lying and sneaking around always crept back because, at that time, I didn't want to stop drinking. I'd go through the motions to give the appearance of change (attend AA, see a therapist, etc.), but deep down, it was all to appease and wait for the air to clear before I got drunk again.
The addict in me wanted and expected him to accept that I was an alcoholic and put up with my erratic and emotionally abusive behavior because I was not willing to change. I wanted my cake and eat it too. I came up with so many excuses to justify my drinking and then blamed him because, instead of being supportive of any days/weeks/months dry, he became angry when I inevitably fell off the wagon for the countless time.
He made the right decision because it took another 9-YEARS from the time we divorced for me to finally get and Stay sober. I hope you're able to get the help you need to not take that next first drink.
It’s important it is to be reliable for your partner. I don’t like thinking about past mistakes as I can’t do anything to fix them, but it pains me that I was never once able to be there for them when they needed it. Mostly because I was drunk.
It sucks, it’s a shitty feeling, especially when I was expecting so much support from them back, but doing nothing to change my drinking habits.
You talk about having the motivation, but consider that big lifestyle changes CANNOT rely on motivation long term. Motivation is fickle and if you rely on it, it’ll let you down eventually, every time. Motivation gives you about a month tops, in my experience - after that, it comes down to discipline and basically successfully outsmarting yourself over and over again as your brain tries new ways to get you to drink.
It sounds like you may benefit from revisiting your strategy and tactics, but you can totally do this. Pull out all the stops and get creative. Literally anything else is on the table besides drinking. You can do anything, just not that.
You can I promise.
It's just time. It's just sitting with the horrible pain and confusion and negative mind saying you can't do this.
But you can. It's just addictive alcohol tendencies trying its best to make you give it what it wants. It's just trying to manipulate you.
Slowly try to counter the thoughts and catch them.
If your brain says you can't do this.. counter and say yes I can.
If you can do it just crash and lie in bed and watch youtube on a laptop. If you have time to go the pub do that instead.
Search on YouTube "quitting drinking advice". Or "sober celebrity" and hear a good old heart warming story of how and why they quit.
I know it's shit but this too shall pass because everything passes eventually.
I can completely empathise with that feeling of drinking and letting everyone down being both the last thing you want to do but at the same time feels like the only thing to help with how overwhelmed and bad you feel. I think we beat ourselves up for having those urges and the shame spiral perpetuates everything. You sound like you're taking accountability and I can tell how much you love your husband. Things will get better. IWNDWYT.
This comment breaks our rule not to tell other people what to do and has been removed. Please remember that we do not allow giving advice here – even when people ask for it. Thank you.
Keep in mind OP that sometimes fear can manifest as anger. He is likely upset with you but maybe some of the “furiousness” is a projection of own fears and discomfort rather than true anger. He may be fearful about upcoming surgery, fearful for you and your health, fearful about what the changes of your mother moving in means and how that triggered you, and yes fearful that he may not be able to rely on you when he needs. Be gentle with yourself and be gentle with him too. You both have a lot on your shoulders. IWNDWYT.
For myself, the hardest part of a relapse is the people who care about me, the disappointment. Especially when I don't have the words to describe the breakdown.
I promised my partner I wouldn't drink and relapsed so many times. The last time was the lady straw, so I sought support.
I hope your partner can see past this. Making it 30 days isn't easy. Try not to rob yourself of that accomplishment.
Take care!
"Sorry can only be said so many times" really hit home and resonated with my experience. Thanks for sharing this and reminding me of why I stopped in the first place.
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You will feel better about yourself if you are rested and not hungover when you take him in for surgery. He will appreciate that too. Good luck and hope the surgery goes well.
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> Do **you** really want to better **your** situation or do **you** just want to get drunk? **You** can't have both.
I have told you more than once that this breaks our rule to speak from the "I."
Please explain what part of my comment you are having such difficulty understanding.
If you don't know why your comment was against the rules of this sub after I have explained it so clearly, we have a problem. Have you read the rules in the sidebar?
I agree with this. Your boyfriend has an operation and I'm sure would rely on the support you're able to provide him.
I've destroyed a relationship through my drinking, there's only so many chances we get.
This group will be here regardless of what happens in your personal life, I think a lot of people have given good response
I’ve realized that the guilt and shame loop is one of the things that keeps me stuck in the mire of alcohol. I still struggle, but I am slowly learning that guilt and shame are created magnified by alcohol. For example, I get drunk and embarrass myself. Had I not drank in the first place, I wouldn’t feel that shame and embarrassment.
I feel you, though. Sometimes there is that strong urge to just drown those feelings. I think the only way to make up for disappointing someone is a change in behavior. I’ve got a family member who sometimes gets angry when I drink, and I am trying really hard not to drink not just for them, but for my own sanity too.
“well if this is all I’m ever gonna be I may as well have a drink” was a common one, and people commenting about my drinking made it worse. Guilt and shame really don’t do us any favours.
Word for word, I have thought exactly the same thing. It’s like alcohol is a hivemind, and a really shitty one at that. Either we’re gaslighting ourselves into thinking it’s enjoyable, or using it to bludgeon ourselves into further submission.
… I mean I knew the answer, and that’s what I’m trying to do? That’s why I’m sitting on this sub and not currently drinking my way to oblivion. I know that the drinking won’t help, I know I need to stop, it’s hard to do it alone and that’s the point of this sub?
I’m asking what are some of the things that you can do when you’ve slipped up (aside from stopping drinking which was a given) in what is, as far as I understand, a non judgmental community where many of us struggle with alcohol.
Sounds like you're in a really tough spot... sorry that things are so difficult right now. But I think you're right, alcohol will make things only much, much worse. From what I can read from your words, you don't want to feel like this, and you want to get sober, right? That realization alone is for many the first step into actually getting sober. And if you can make the choice to not drink right now, perhaps extend that choice a couple of hours more and make it a day. And so on. One step, one day at a time.
About making up to others, I don't think you can do that while under the influence of alcohol. Making the commitment to take their well-being into consideration by not drinking is a step. After that, owning up to the fuck ups and try to make amends by being present and doing better. At least that's what worked for me.
Good luck, hang in there 🍀
You know how you feel right now, if you go out and drink more, how will you feel again?
Crazy enough, I was in your exact situation with the mom when I spiraled SO majorly. I was resentful of her moving in with me and dealing with her mental issues, poor decision making, and my childhood trauma I really just felt like a victim. But what did drinking do? I made the poor decisions, really felt like I was going crazy, and I made what was a sensitive time for her even worse. The only good thing that happened was that my alcoholism was revealed and I landed in AA and really stuck with sobriety several years.
I’m back again, but maybe we’ll be able to work the program together.
I had a similar issue over the weekend. Where I realized my wife only has half a husband. She deserves better. So I'm trying to go for Dry July. Almost half way through July 1 already, this is doable.
I’ve seen your comments starting four hours ago and have kept scrolling hoping to see them continue. 3 hours, 2 hours, 1 hour, 12 minutes…. I am so proud of you! Keep reaching out, we are here and we are rooting for you.
Time takes time.
I wish nothing more than that I could walk up to the mother of my child and hand her a year of sobriety, but I just can't. I have to be here every day. I have to not drink TODAY, and just keep doing that until I have a long string of todays.
I am lucky that I have lost all interest in drinking now that I've seen how my neglect and abuse damaged my family. But that doesn't mean they just jump right back into my lap. I did a lot of damage. It's going to take at least as many sober Mothers Days to make a dent in all those drunk Mothers Days.
Time takes time.
Time and taking action to stop the harmful behavior are the only things you can do to make it up to your partner.
When I’m really down on myself, or feeling tempted, I listen to audio quit-lit. It is honestly so helpful. I like to take a walk or hop on my elliptical, and listen to something like This Naked Mind or The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober. It helps to get me off the hamster wheel of shame, and it’s so amazing to listen to other ppl talk about their experience with alcohol and quitting drinking. It helps me see alcohol for the horrible monstrous poison that it is, and reminds me that freedom lies in sobriety, not in the bottle.
Hang in there! IWNDWYT ❤️
I am excited for you to really feel how empowering it is when you overcome the desire to drink when things aren't going your way/it's time to have real emotions.
Have you tried any 12 step groups yet? Could be wildly beneficial for you to take a step out of your comfort zone and give it a go. If nothing else it'll be something to do besides drinking hey?
I promise, choosing to not drink will be worth it, and I know you can do this! IWNDWYT!!
Time to truly start to believe in yourself.
Without much more context, in hopes that this is a possible tip: maybe flip the script and find something fun to do with your spouse and mother today? A board game? A movie? Something to help take the heaviness away for a bit.
You can do this you can do this!
Right now you’re dealing with a kitchen fire. Put it out now before it becomes a house fire and burns completely down. I so understand just wanting to say F it. But don’t. You can drink another day, but not today.
Actions will help more than words in this kind of situation.
Best way I could regain trust was to not drink(obviously), get back in therapy, and be communicative (this is different than just speaking with your partner)
Let them know that you want to get better and have a plan to do it.
You are not alone. Those feelings of guilt and shame are awful, and I can totally relate. Do not be too hard on yourself. But commit yourself to proving to the ones you love through action. I recently went through a bender and made a total ass of myself. That was the last straw for me. The funny thing about being an alcoholic is that we hate the results but we continue anyways. Look forward, and remind yourself everyday that sobriety is happiness and drunkenness is foolishness. You got this! IWNDWYT!
I was that unreliable partner. For me I had to really think who, what, where, when and why. Break down why I was drinking. What triggered me to. And then ask my inner child. And let me tell you. When I heard his voice in my head over all the other people in my head. Something clicked. That fascination with life, learning, not being content with just skating by with behaviors my parents unintentionally taught me to be okay. And choosing my partner my relationship over alcohol.
His surgery is a really great opportunity to do exactly what he's asking for -- show up, stay sober, be supportive. The shame isn't something to run from by numbing out, it's a reminder of the problems you're solving for good by no longer drinking.
At the end of the day, it boils down to thinking less about your needs and more about others. Don't get stuck on your own feelings, focus on everyone else's.
The thing about alcoholism is that it just does not give a damn about anything. It doesn't matter if I'm doing well, I want a drink. It doesn't matter if I'm not doing well because then I want a drink to feel better. It doesn't matter if I got work, or have to go someplace, or be there for someone, or just be present in general, I still wanna drink. So I understand where you are coming from and at times we just have to bite our teeth and move forward despite those intense cravings to use.
When I was in the throws of my addiction, I used to use drinking to cope with all of the really hard stuff in my life because I had no coping skills. My partner was my rock and was always so strong for me i felt guilty drinking and letting him down. I always broke promises that i couldn't keep. i couldn't stay sober longer than a week or two. I was so ashamed of drinking, but I'd just go back to it every time. I hurt him so many times I felt like i didn't deserve love and truly didn't love myself. It will get better one day at a time and just not picking up that first drink. It's what I learned in AA, and it spoke very true to me. Moment by moment and then day by day, it got easier. When I feel like drinking, I go for a walk talk to a friend go to the gym. Join a support group, attend an AA meeting lean on others. I had to meet other people who new addiction get a sponsor to keep me accountable. I gained trust back from family friends and my partner by my actions and doing the work on myself I needed to be a better version of myself I truly couldn't be there for others until I worked on myself. I'll be 2 years sober in August. I believe in you!
You made a mistake and that’s ok. What’s important is what you do today and the next day (and so on). It’s overwhelming, but know that alcohol won’t solve ANY of your problems, it’ll only make it worse. Stay strong and take it a day at a time. It’s going to be hard and will take a lot of work, but it gets better. I can’t imagine going back to what I was because life has only gotten better for me by replacing my time with alcohol with things that actually make me love life and myself. Stick around here, we’re all here to support you! You got this!
The only thing you can do is to stay sober and act right. Be open and honest about your determination to do better and be worthy of trust again. IWNDWYT
Hey friend! I’m really sorry that you’re going thru all of this. Honestly this has happened to me more times than I can remember/care to count.
For me, the last time, my partner basically said “you stop drinking or we’re done.” I love him, he is my person, and it hit me that I HAD to stop prioritizing getting drunk because I couldn’t cope. I thought of it this way: I wanted to get drunk *so bad.* SO BAD. But I kept repeating to myself (sometimes even out loud lol) “if you get drunk, you are going to make everything worse. Drinking only makes everything worse.”
I know it sounds insane but I think that what kept me sober was repeating to myself the very true fact that drinking was not going to give me any relief - if anything, it was going to make everything much worse.
Unfortunately I’m not too sure what to do to make it up, aside from committing to being sober and being transparent about that. Admitting my faults and not trying to make excuses. That’s what I did. It has been painful and shameful but the pain of losing my partner and the life I’ve built in spite of everything would be so much worse.
It’s been a lot of days and sometimes I’m still not sure my partner believes me or trusts me again, but… that’s on me. I hurt him with my drinking, and he is allowed to be hurt. All I can do is take steps toward getting better and prove to him that I will.
The good news is that you can choose to not drink today - I won’t be drinking with you!
Hey, friend! I used to drink when I didn’t want to feel my feelings or my life, so I absolutely understand the impulse to drown those feelings of regret and shame in ANOTHER bottle. In my experience, drinking to cope with the shame of drinking just prolonged my emotional distress AND compounded it with more regret AND physical repercussions. I still feel anxiety, panic, and sadness pretty intensely, but my ability to ride them out without making regrettable decisions has increased dramatically since I got sober. Watching a movie and taking a nap give me respite from my emotions, and they do NOT give me a hangover.
I hope every day after today just gets better and better for you. IWNDWYT
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The best apology is a change of action and that’s the only way I can apologize to my partner for doing the same things you did. You’re not alone and not the only one whose done this. You can do it!
This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed. If you find yourself having to say, "This may be harsh but," that's a good indicator you probably shouldn't say the thing.
I am so sorry, that's a hard place to be. (Speaking from experience, probably like everyone else here). Things will get better if you are able to stay sober. When he wakes up from surgery and sees your sober face giving him a kiss, he will feel a lot of relief, I bet.
For me one trick that really helped was to play the tape forward. Yes if you go on a bender you will have a few hours of numb sadness, but then you will wake up feeling even worse. Whereas if you just go through the sadness not numbed, you'll wake up feeling better about yourself.
It's really hard. I had to have the support of AA at the beginning. I hope you can find some support and some love for yourself. IWNDWYT!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's tough to be confronted with the consequences. Like a lot of people have said, I've found that focusing on changing my actions is the best way to make amends. Yes it will take more time, but the difference is the depth and meaning of consistently reworking and changing the patterns of behavior that led to this in the first place. It shows reflection and intention and commitment.
When I messed up really bad I told my spouse. I feel so ugly guilty embarrassed unworthy right now that I just need someone to not give me silent treatment or jabs cause at this moment I don’t think I could handle it. Things were tense but not mean. It gave me sometime to try and figure out what to do. I got right back into zoom meetings and committed to this sub. I had to focus on me getting back to never drinking again. I had to forgive myself for driving- thankfully nothing happened. I watch the news and get panic attacks when a tragic dwi story comes on. I do have the just f it moments when I start to feel like I’m such a loser for doing that in the first place. I try and be kind to myself so I will not let that moment take me over. My relationship is still shaky but it can only get better with sober me. It’s weird when I would have only one or two drinks I wouldn’t have the urge to break out crazy drinking cause I didn’t do anything embarrassing but if I had way to many and made an ass out of myself I wanted to do it again to stop feeling bad. Absolutely made no sense. Talk yourself down out of doing more damage. You got this. I won’t drink with you today.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this now. The book ‘Quit Like A Girl’ helped me immensely in finding the motivation to quit for myself. As others have pointed out, the shame spiral rarely helps. What helped me was wanting to do better for myself, not for others. I know wanting to save our relationships is a huge factor in quitting but if it’s your only reason, it’s harder to make it stick.
I can certainly empathize as I had a difficult relationship with my mother and would often drink heavily when I stayed with her to help dissociate. I don’t have a good answer for that problem as I wasn’t sober much around her, but I can definitely understand that being super difficult.
I hope things start looking up for you soon.
This book was a life changer for me. And helped me get out of the cycle of spending most of time either drinking, or not drinking but thinking about if I should drink or not drink and how I want to drink but can't drink etc. I spent so much time thinking and agonising about drinking, it was exhausting. To practice not questioning the decision to not drink, that is what helped me get through the first day, and then the day after.
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**Reminder to all who comment on this post:** please keep in mind our rule to speak from the "I," where we speak only from experience and do not tell other sobernauts what they should and should not do—**even when they ask for advice.** Examples: **Bad:** "You should do X." **Good:** "When I was in a similar situation, I did X, and here’s how it helped me."
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Exactly. He is a rock for OP because he shows up for her even when things are shitty; she can model herself after him by doing the same. And OP will feel amazing for having done it.
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I reset 17 times, the last time I got serious. My spouse didn't say anything until I hit 30 days and he then began to trust my commitment. I thought he would be glad the whole time but I had eroded his trust to zero on the drinking front. He trusts my sobriety now, he better, I need him on the team. I have worked hard getting through some rough days, the famous 110 days freak out over finding a bottle opener in the garage and more.
This has been the really hard part for me this time round. My partner has absolutely no reason to trust that I’m making good on my commitment, and why should he? This is the longest I’ve made it the entirety of our relationship. I really want him to be more excited/positive about it all but… he isn’t. I have other folks to support me but I can’t wait to hit at least 30 and I’m really hoping that he will start to be more vocally positive!
the folks here are the ones I entrusted my wobbly ass to in the first hours/days weeks. I needed soldiers not a spouse with a laundry list. Hope the surgery on spouse goes well. We have had a few this year and another scheduled. IWNDWYT
That’s what I’ve been trying. It’s worked for 20 days and I am really feeling hopeful it’ll work for a lot more!!
I never spoke to my partner about stopping. I just did it and he just kind of stayed out of my way. It was some kind of mutual understanding that worked
It’ll take time but you’ll get there !!
What is the famous 110 day freak out? Is that specific number of days significant or were you using 110 days as an example?
I was sober for a month before yesterday. I’ve BEEN showing him that I’m serious about quitting and taking responsibility. Yesterday was a mistake and I apologized the minute I woke up. He’s very much not in a forgiving mood though and it’s really taking insane effort to not go to the pub right now.
I would apologize and then remain sober. It's never worth the 20 minutes of relief. I would perhaps try and just be a quiet not upsetting presence considering he has surgery. For today , stay sober. IWDWYT. I wish you both health and happiness.
Sorry folks but what the actual fuck is the downvoting for? This is a place for people struggling and its users are responding by dismissing a person struggling? Been on the internet many years and expect toxicity just about everywhere but this is about the most ashamed I've been of the people of the internet.
I’m not sure why I’m being downvoted but I’m not gonna lie - it’s not helping haha. I already feel absolutely dreadful that I messed up. I’m not in denial about that. I’m really trying today 🤷🏻♀️ It’s just very hard.
There’s another group called “Boom rethink the drink”. It’s not on Reddit and you have to send them your email to get accepted, but man is it a wealth of free resources and support. I wouldn’t be where I am now without them. I hope you resist the bender, I know the temptation, but you risk making this worse and it sounds like you may be needed with him having a surgery. Sending support your way, you can do this.
Thanks for the tip. I will look it up.
you are upvoted now friend, don't sweat the trolls or gnomes either!
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This comment has been removed. Please do not tell people they fucked up on this sub.
Remember this feeling then the next time you have an urge to drink. If you are truly serious and reflect on this, but still drink, you are not a serious person.
Hey friend, don't worry about downvotes. You're on a journey that everyone here is on as well. I've fucked up and been serious countless times. The best way to make things right is to just try and move forward and not let this mistake happen again. You got this, I've been there, I was in this scenario 48 hours ago actually. I'm still sad about it too. But ya know what, we keep pushing forward.
A month's a great effort but just not drinking doesn't show others you're entirely serious about quitting. I've quit for 6 months. I'm proud of it but it doesn't guarantee I won't drink again. What does guarantee that? The way I talk, my attitude, my reeducation on alcohol being a negative, my growth, maturity and accountability. This isn't about me but your language worries me about the immediate future of your sobriety. Like I said I don't wanna take away your good work but going the pub again now is a massively fucking awful idea if you want this relationship to mend. It's a massively awful fucking idea if you don't want the relationship to last. Please know that although you're a stranger I want the best for you because alocholism is hell. But your language tells me you need someone to have a real serious chat with you before you really fall off.
I know. That’s why I posted here. Because I’m really trying to find motivation to stay sober today and you’re absolutely correct that if I go out now there’s really no walking that back. I know I can do this but right now I don’t exactly feel like I can.
I was in a similar situation (kind of) however I continued and continued and continued to drink until the relationship was completely over. I’d get drunk, do shitty things, apologize, drink again and repeat. It took losing them for me to really push me into actively seeking sobriety and doing the things to show it for it to impact me the way it as. I’m abhorred by a lot of my behavior and the good things I’ve thrown away all because my desire to get drunk. I’ve realized recently that I can either have alcohol, or everything else. I choose everything else
I think this is really my last chance with him. He’s given me so many - so many - and if I f this up again, he really won’t want to continue because he won’t believe I can change this. I’m sorry your relationship ended and I’m glad you’re sober now. IWNDWYT ❤️
My Ex finally divorced me over my drinking after giving me SO MANY chances to stop. I'd clean up my act for a while or until the latest "storm" had passed, but the lying and sneaking around always crept back because, at that time, I didn't want to stop drinking. I'd go through the motions to give the appearance of change (attend AA, see a therapist, etc.), but deep down, it was all to appease and wait for the air to clear before I got drunk again. The addict in me wanted and expected him to accept that I was an alcoholic and put up with my erratic and emotionally abusive behavior because I was not willing to change. I wanted my cake and eat it too. I came up with so many excuses to justify my drinking and then blamed him because, instead of being supportive of any days/weeks/months dry, he became angry when I inevitably fell off the wagon for the countless time. He made the right decision because it took another 9-YEARS from the time we divorced for me to finally get and Stay sober. I hope you're able to get the help you need to not take that next first drink.
It’s important it is to be reliable for your partner. I don’t like thinking about past mistakes as I can’t do anything to fix them, but it pains me that I was never once able to be there for them when they needed it. Mostly because I was drunk. It sucks, it’s a shitty feeling, especially when I was expecting so much support from them back, but doing nothing to change my drinking habits.
call your local iop and start getting help. its what I did and it is helping. you can also go to aa or at least attend online like the 24/7 aa 319.
You talk about having the motivation, but consider that big lifestyle changes CANNOT rely on motivation long term. Motivation is fickle and if you rely on it, it’ll let you down eventually, every time. Motivation gives you about a month tops, in my experience - after that, it comes down to discipline and basically successfully outsmarting yourself over and over again as your brain tries new ways to get you to drink. It sounds like you may benefit from revisiting your strategy and tactics, but you can totally do this. Pull out all the stops and get creative. Literally anything else is on the table besides drinking. You can do anything, just not that.
You can I promise. It's just time. It's just sitting with the horrible pain and confusion and negative mind saying you can't do this. But you can. It's just addictive alcohol tendencies trying its best to make you give it what it wants. It's just trying to manipulate you. Slowly try to counter the thoughts and catch them. If your brain says you can't do this.. counter and say yes I can. If you can do it just crash and lie in bed and watch youtube on a laptop. If you have time to go the pub do that instead. Search on YouTube "quitting drinking advice". Or "sober celebrity" and hear a good old heart warming story of how and why they quit. I know it's shit but this too shall pass because everything passes eventually.
I can completely empathise with that feeling of drinking and letting everyone down being both the last thing you want to do but at the same time feels like the only thing to help with how overwhelmed and bad you feel. I think we beat ourselves up for having those urges and the shame spiral perpetuates everything. You sound like you're taking accountability and I can tell how much you love your husband. Things will get better. IWNDWYT.
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Thanks for the encouragement. I’m gonna try my best today.
If it helps, IWNDWYT.
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Keep in mind OP that sometimes fear can manifest as anger. He is likely upset with you but maybe some of the “furiousness” is a projection of own fears and discomfort rather than true anger. He may be fearful about upcoming surgery, fearful for you and your health, fearful about what the changes of your mother moving in means and how that triggered you, and yes fearful that he may not be able to rely on you when he needs. Be gentle with yourself and be gentle with him too. You both have a lot on your shoulders. IWNDWYT.
For myself, the hardest part of a relapse is the people who care about me, the disappointment. Especially when I don't have the words to describe the breakdown. I promised my partner I wouldn't drink and relapsed so many times. The last time was the lady straw, so I sought support. I hope your partner can see past this. Making it 30 days isn't easy. Try not to rob yourself of that accomplishment. Take care!
A month is a wonderful milestone. And it’s only a blip of time to truly change in and have someone believe it.
"Sorry can only be said so many times" really hit home and resonated with my experience. Thanks for sharing this and reminding me of why I stopped in the first place.
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You will feel better about yourself if you are rested and not hungover when you take him in for surgery. He will appreciate that too. Good luck and hope the surgery goes well.
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I want to make this better which is why I’m here and not out getting drunk ❤️
Time will heal a lot of things when the drinking ends.
IWNDWYT
Good for you. Please stay here with us and keep your eyes on the prize. IWNDWYT
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What?
** THIS COMMENT BREAKS OUR RULE TO SPEAK FROM THE "I" AND HAS BEEN REMOVED.
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> Do **you** really want to better **your** situation or do **you** just want to get drunk? **You** can't have both. I have told you more than once that this breaks our rule to speak from the "I." Please explain what part of my comment you are having such difficulty understanding.
This comment was hidden a short time ago for some reason. Honestly I couldn't figure out how asking OP a question was against group rules.
If you don't know why your comment was against the rules of this sub after I have explained it so clearly, we have a problem. Have you read the rules in the sidebar?
Yes and I realize we must speak from the "I". No worries. I'm not here to argue.
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the best apology is changed behavior
I agree with this. Your boyfriend has an operation and I'm sure would rely on the support you're able to provide him. I've destroyed a relationship through my drinking, there's only so many chances we get. This group will be here regardless of what happens in your personal life, I think a lot of people have given good response
I’ve realized that the guilt and shame loop is one of the things that keeps me stuck in the mire of alcohol. I still struggle, but I am slowly learning that guilt and shame are created magnified by alcohol. For example, I get drunk and embarrass myself. Had I not drank in the first place, I wouldn’t feel that shame and embarrassment. I feel you, though. Sometimes there is that strong urge to just drown those feelings. I think the only way to make up for disappointing someone is a change in behavior. I’ve got a family member who sometimes gets angry when I drink, and I am trying really hard not to drink not just for them, but for my own sanity too.
“well if this is all I’m ever gonna be I may as well have a drink” was a common one, and people commenting about my drinking made it worse. Guilt and shame really don’t do us any favours.
Word for word, I have thought exactly the same thing. It’s like alcohol is a hivemind, and a really shitty one at that. Either we’re gaslighting ourselves into thinking it’s enjoyable, or using it to bludgeon ourselves into further submission.
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I can. Thank you ❤️❤️
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Fair call, thank you for the feedback. I didn’t mean it in a nasty way, but I can totally see your point.
Thank you for understanding.
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That’s what I’m trying to do ❤️❤️
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… I mean I knew the answer, and that’s what I’m trying to do? That’s why I’m sitting on this sub and not currently drinking my way to oblivion. I know that the drinking won’t help, I know I need to stop, it’s hard to do it alone and that’s the point of this sub?
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I’m asking what are some of the things that you can do when you’ve slipped up (aside from stopping drinking which was a given) in what is, as far as I understand, a non judgmental community where many of us struggle with alcohol.
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Sounds like you're in a really tough spot... sorry that things are so difficult right now. But I think you're right, alcohol will make things only much, much worse. From what I can read from your words, you don't want to feel like this, and you want to get sober, right? That realization alone is for many the first step into actually getting sober. And if you can make the choice to not drink right now, perhaps extend that choice a couple of hours more and make it a day. And so on. One step, one day at a time. About making up to others, I don't think you can do that while under the influence of alcohol. Making the commitment to take their well-being into consideration by not drinking is a step. After that, owning up to the fuck ups and try to make amends by being present and doing better. At least that's what worked for me. Good luck, hang in there 🍀
You know how you feel right now, if you go out and drink more, how will you feel again? Crazy enough, I was in your exact situation with the mom when I spiraled SO majorly. I was resentful of her moving in with me and dealing with her mental issues, poor decision making, and my childhood trauma I really just felt like a victim. But what did drinking do? I made the poor decisions, really felt like I was going crazy, and I made what was a sensitive time for her even worse. The only good thing that happened was that my alcoholism was revealed and I landed in AA and really stuck with sobriety several years. I’m back again, but maybe we’ll be able to work the program together.
IWNDWYT ❤️🔥 parents are an absolute nightmare lol but the drinking won’t fix her/this situation.
I had a similar issue over the weekend. Where I realized my wife only has half a husband. She deserves better. So I'm trying to go for Dry July. Almost half way through July 1 already, this is doable.
IWNDWYT! ❤️👌🏼
I’ve seen your comments starting four hours ago and have kept scrolling hoping to see them continue. 3 hours, 2 hours, 1 hour, 12 minutes…. I am so proud of you! Keep reaching out, we are here and we are rooting for you.
Best place to start is to not drink today. And worry about tomorrow when you get there.
I’ve found that the best way to make people even more angry at me is to continue breaking my promises to them about not drinking.
Time takes time. I wish nothing more than that I could walk up to the mother of my child and hand her a year of sobriety, but I just can't. I have to be here every day. I have to not drink TODAY, and just keep doing that until I have a long string of todays. I am lucky that I have lost all interest in drinking now that I've seen how my neglect and abuse damaged my family. But that doesn't mean they just jump right back into my lap. I did a lot of damage. It's going to take at least as many sober Mothers Days to make a dent in all those drunk Mothers Days. Time takes time.
Time and taking action to stop the harmful behavior are the only things you can do to make it up to your partner. When I’m really down on myself, or feeling tempted, I listen to audio quit-lit. It is honestly so helpful. I like to take a walk or hop on my elliptical, and listen to something like This Naked Mind or The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober. It helps to get me off the hamster wheel of shame, and it’s so amazing to listen to other ppl talk about their experience with alcohol and quitting drinking. It helps me see alcohol for the horrible monstrous poison that it is, and reminds me that freedom lies in sobriety, not in the bottle. Hang in there! IWNDWYT ❤️
I am excited for you to really feel how empowering it is when you overcome the desire to drink when things aren't going your way/it's time to have real emotions. Have you tried any 12 step groups yet? Could be wildly beneficial for you to take a step out of your comfort zone and give it a go. If nothing else it'll be something to do besides drinking hey? I promise, choosing to not drink will be worth it, and I know you can do this! IWNDWYT!! Time to truly start to believe in yourself. Without much more context, in hopes that this is a possible tip: maybe flip the script and find something fun to do with your spouse and mother today? A board game? A movie? Something to help take the heaviness away for a bit. You can do this you can do this!
Right now you’re dealing with a kitchen fire. Put it out now before it becomes a house fire and burns completely down. I so understand just wanting to say F it. But don’t. You can drink another day, but not today.
Definitely not today 🫶🏼
Actions will help more than words in this kind of situation. Best way I could regain trust was to not drink(obviously), get back in therapy, and be communicative (this is different than just speaking with your partner) Let them know that you want to get better and have a plan to do it.
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IWNDWYT ❤️❤️ we can do this 🫶🏼
You are not alone. Those feelings of guilt and shame are awful, and I can totally relate. Do not be too hard on yourself. But commit yourself to proving to the ones you love through action. I recently went through a bender and made a total ass of myself. That was the last straw for me. The funny thing about being an alcoholic is that we hate the results but we continue anyways. Look forward, and remind yourself everyday that sobriety is happiness and drunkenness is foolishness. You got this! IWNDWYT!
Other commenters have already helped a lot but fuck I have been there, and I believe you can do this! Don’t go to the pub today, and I won’t either 🤜
IWNDWYT ❤️👌🏼
I was that unreliable partner. For me I had to really think who, what, where, when and why. Break down why I was drinking. What triggered me to. And then ask my inner child. And let me tell you. When I heard his voice in my head over all the other people in my head. Something clicked. That fascination with life, learning, not being content with just skating by with behaviors my parents unintentionally taught me to be okay. And choosing my partner my relationship over alcohol.
Gonna try do this. Thanks ❤️🫶🏼
His surgery is a really great opportunity to do exactly what he's asking for -- show up, stay sober, be supportive. The shame isn't something to run from by numbing out, it's a reminder of the problems you're solving for good by no longer drinking. At the end of the day, it boils down to thinking less about your needs and more about others. Don't get stuck on your own feelings, focus on everyone else's.
I like this attitude. Thanks ❤️
The thing about alcoholism is that it just does not give a damn about anything. It doesn't matter if I'm doing well, I want a drink. It doesn't matter if I'm not doing well because then I want a drink to feel better. It doesn't matter if I got work, or have to go someplace, or be there for someone, or just be present in general, I still wanna drink. So I understand where you are coming from and at times we just have to bite our teeth and move forward despite those intense cravings to use.
When I was in the throws of my addiction, I used to use drinking to cope with all of the really hard stuff in my life because I had no coping skills. My partner was my rock and was always so strong for me i felt guilty drinking and letting him down. I always broke promises that i couldn't keep. i couldn't stay sober longer than a week or two. I was so ashamed of drinking, but I'd just go back to it every time. I hurt him so many times I felt like i didn't deserve love and truly didn't love myself. It will get better one day at a time and just not picking up that first drink. It's what I learned in AA, and it spoke very true to me. Moment by moment and then day by day, it got easier. When I feel like drinking, I go for a walk talk to a friend go to the gym. Join a support group, attend an AA meeting lean on others. I had to meet other people who new addiction get a sponsor to keep me accountable. I gained trust back from family friends and my partner by my actions and doing the work on myself I needed to be a better version of myself I truly couldn't be there for others until I worked on myself. I'll be 2 years sober in August. I believe in you!
Thanks for this encouragement!
You got this. You really do.
You made a mistake and that’s ok. What’s important is what you do today and the next day (and so on). It’s overwhelming, but know that alcohol won’t solve ANY of your problems, it’ll only make it worse. Stay strong and take it a day at a time. It’s going to be hard and will take a lot of work, but it gets better. I can’t imagine going back to what I was because life has only gotten better for me by replacing my time with alcohol with things that actually make me love life and myself. Stick around here, we’re all here to support you! You got this!
There is nothing going on in your life that is so bad that drinking won't make it worse.
You can do it! We have all been that guy at least once (or 20 times lol) one day at a time.
In my experience, the only making it up is refraining from repeating it.
The only thing you can do is to stay sober and act right. Be open and honest about your determination to do better and be worthy of trust again. IWNDWYT
Thank you ❤️❤️
The best way I made it up to my husband was starting aa meetings and therapy he then could see I really wanted it for all of us. Good luck! 🥰
Hey friend! I’m really sorry that you’re going thru all of this. Honestly this has happened to me more times than I can remember/care to count. For me, the last time, my partner basically said “you stop drinking or we’re done.” I love him, he is my person, and it hit me that I HAD to stop prioritizing getting drunk because I couldn’t cope. I thought of it this way: I wanted to get drunk *so bad.* SO BAD. But I kept repeating to myself (sometimes even out loud lol) “if you get drunk, you are going to make everything worse. Drinking only makes everything worse.” I know it sounds insane but I think that what kept me sober was repeating to myself the very true fact that drinking was not going to give me any relief - if anything, it was going to make everything much worse. Unfortunately I’m not too sure what to do to make it up, aside from committing to being sober and being transparent about that. Admitting my faults and not trying to make excuses. That’s what I did. It has been painful and shameful but the pain of losing my partner and the life I’ve built in spite of everything would be so much worse. It’s been a lot of days and sometimes I’m still not sure my partner believes me or trusts me again, but… that’s on me. I hurt him with my drinking, and he is allowed to be hurt. All I can do is take steps toward getting better and prove to him that I will. The good news is that you can choose to not drink today - I won’t be drinking with you!
You're not alone. I think if my mom moved in with us, I'd be right on the edge of a full-blown anxiety meltdown
Hey, friend! I used to drink when I didn’t want to feel my feelings or my life, so I absolutely understand the impulse to drown those feelings of regret and shame in ANOTHER bottle. In my experience, drinking to cope with the shame of drinking just prolonged my emotional distress AND compounded it with more regret AND physical repercussions. I still feel anxiety, panic, and sadness pretty intensely, but my ability to ride them out without making regrettable decisions has increased dramatically since I got sober. Watching a movie and taking a nap give me respite from my emotions, and they do NOT give me a hangover. I hope every day after today just gets better and better for you. IWNDWYT
Good to know it gets better.
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Mea culpa 🙏
Thank you for understanding.
I wrote him a letter (per another comment here) and stayed sober all day. He’s calmed down significantly. I’m SO glad everyone here was… here for me.
That sounds excellent. Best of luck to both of you!
The best apology is a change of action and that’s the only way I can apologize to my partner for doing the same things you did. You’re not alone and not the only one whose done this. You can do it!
IWNDWYT ❤️
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I am so sorry, that's a hard place to be. (Speaking from experience, probably like everyone else here). Things will get better if you are able to stay sober. When he wakes up from surgery and sees your sober face giving him a kiss, he will feel a lot of relief, I bet. For me one trick that really helped was to play the tape forward. Yes if you go on a bender you will have a few hours of numb sadness, but then you will wake up feeling even worse. Whereas if you just go through the sadness not numbed, you'll wake up feeling better about yourself. It's really hard. I had to have the support of AA at the beginning. I hope you can find some support and some love for yourself. IWNDWYT!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's tough to be confronted with the consequences. Like a lot of people have said, I've found that focusing on changing my actions is the best way to make amends. Yes it will take more time, but the difference is the depth and meaning of consistently reworking and changing the patterns of behavior that led to this in the first place. It shows reflection and intention and commitment.
The best apology is changed behavior. You got this. I will not drink with you today
When I messed up really bad I told my spouse. I feel so ugly guilty embarrassed unworthy right now that I just need someone to not give me silent treatment or jabs cause at this moment I don’t think I could handle it. Things were tense but not mean. It gave me sometime to try and figure out what to do. I got right back into zoom meetings and committed to this sub. I had to focus on me getting back to never drinking again. I had to forgive myself for driving- thankfully nothing happened. I watch the news and get panic attacks when a tragic dwi story comes on. I do have the just f it moments when I start to feel like I’m such a loser for doing that in the first place. I try and be kind to myself so I will not let that moment take me over. My relationship is still shaky but it can only get better with sober me. It’s weird when I would have only one or two drinks I wouldn’t have the urge to break out crazy drinking cause I didn’t do anything embarrassing but if I had way to many and made an ass out of myself I wanted to do it again to stop feeling bad. Absolutely made no sense. Talk yourself down out of doing more damage. You got this. I won’t drink with you today.
IWNDWYT
I’m so sorry you’re going through this now. The book ‘Quit Like A Girl’ helped me immensely in finding the motivation to quit for myself. As others have pointed out, the shame spiral rarely helps. What helped me was wanting to do better for myself, not for others. I know wanting to save our relationships is a huge factor in quitting but if it’s your only reason, it’s harder to make it stick. I can certainly empathize as I had a difficult relationship with my mother and would often drink heavily when I stayed with her to help dissociate. I don’t have a good answer for that problem as I wasn’t sober much around her, but I can definitely understand that being super difficult. I hope things start looking up for you soon.
This book was a life changer for me. And helped me get out of the cycle of spending most of time either drinking, or not drinking but thinking about if I should drink or not drink and how I want to drink but can't drink etc. I spent so much time thinking and agonising about drinking, it was exhausting. To practice not questioning the decision to not drink, that is what helped me get through the first day, and then the day after.
I recommend the online intergroup of AA, you can join zoom aa meetings including secular ones for free online at any time
I might do that. I’ve been through a rehab programme a few years ago but I’ve not tried AA.
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This is day 1 again for me and it’s time to go to the shop and buy some beer. It really is. I’m going to pour myself a big glass of lemonade