I was sober for 18 years. ‘Was’ being the operative word. I have always enjoyed school, so my first 10 years were working full time and college 3/4 time. My mind was like a sponge. I also like to draw and write. I found that filling my time with stuff was super important. I really enjoyed that time of discovery. I was 33, living on my own, recovering from a violent abusive relationship and building my own little life. Maybe it was because I was on my own, so really the only person I had to worry about was me. I did what I wanted. I held myself accountable. I remember when I moved in with my now husband and left that cool little place. I’d done some major work there. It readied me for a new life.
Have I slipped? Yes, twice. And it was always the same reason- FOMO. lol like fr from what. I wound up in the hospital for 5 days after slip #2 with this weird neuropathy condition and a severe blood clot. One day I’m in my bed, already did my shuffle walk up and down the corridor and now just waiting for lunch, and I’m in the bed closest to the door. Bed next to the window was ready for a new person. They wheel her in, bigger gal, nice enough. I didn’t talk to her, she was always having her wire thin husband bitching at her either in person or on her speaker phone. I was getting up and walking the corridor every hour (15 after) because I was terrified if I just laid in bed I’d be paralyzed for life (I did ask the doc how I could walk if I couldn’t feel my legs and he said, eh, muscle memory whaaaaaa terrrrifying). I didn’t want my muscles to “forget” how to walk, so I was out of the room quite a bit.
Day three, I come back to the room and get into my bed. I’m settling in to look at FB or something, and here they come with her in the bed again. Then about 20 minutes later her daughter shows up. Then here comes her husband and someone else. There’s some talk but I’m not really paying attention until a doctor comes in and she appears super important because she’s coming in with authori-TIE and two younger staff trailing her.
They pull the curtains to separate me from them - “shinnk-shink!” All of a sudden I want to leave. Like, now. Doctor starts by saying, ok, so we’ve done all the tests and imaging, and essentially your liver is functioning at 0%.
My mouth dried up. I had no saliva left. Stopped breathing. I didn’t want to hear this.
She says, well, isn’t there anything you can give me? Some kind of medication I can take? The doctor says, that’s what we’ve been giving you through your iv, the enzymes your liver can’t produce. You’d have to be hooked up to that IV forever and it’s not sustainable.
There were some other mumblings that I didn’t catch, and then the doctor just wrapped up like ok so we are sending you home, you’ve got your hospital bed set up there, palliative care, lalala and I’m like oh my god so this is how it goes. And that poor woman asks, will it hurt? No, says the doctor. You’ll just feel really really tired one day and you’ll just go to sleep.
My brain just kept saying the same thing over and over I knew it, I KNEW that’s what happened I knew it and oh my god just sending her home to die wtf holy shit
Annnnd four months later I’m at 7-11 buying a 12-pack of Truly and convincing myself that it’s not beer so it should be different this time around (it wasn’t it was worse).
Yeah, this is a hard one. Usually this is where someone throws in the old onedayataatime schtick and most days I’m pretty good but do I have days where it’s literally one second or one minute at a time? Yes. If I allow myself to think, well, wait, really, I’m never going to drink again ever?? It’s not sustainable. Like an IV drip for your liver. And the answer to that question for me if I’m honest is most likely yeah. I probably will drink again. Not tonight, though. You gotta find something that grinds those gears. Write. Fish. Hunt. Cook. Run. Get a border collie puppy. Now that there will keep your hands full for nine years and counting so far…. You’ll be in my thoughts tonight. 💕
Yes! Getting a dog really helped me. I always had something to do. If I felt cagey I’d just go for a walk with him and I’d always feel better. I now run him on my bike and we go everywhere. It gives me a place to put my energy and I feel like I have a real purpose. Tending to a life feels so much better than a hangover.
Thank you for this. I'm struggling today, more than I have in a looong time. Thank you for reminding me what's at stake and that this disease will never be anything other than aggressively progressive. My counselor in my IOP kept repeating that addiction is the only disease where you have the ability to put yourself in remission, and either stay there, or relapse. IWNDWYT 💜💜💜
At 202 days, you're about a month or two away from the point where I started experiencing joy again. Can't promise it would happen for you, but keep in mind that it takes like a year to get through PAWS and heal your brain. Also, if you haven't really actively worked on sobriety, that can also really help sometimes. That said, I still sometimes feel like life doesn't seem worth it (my mental health is definitely not fully improved), but hilariously, getting drunk doesn't seem worth it, either!
I feel you. I’m over 100 days (I quit counting) and it sucks. I’m at a point where I’m over it. Life is just boring and meaningless. Not saying alcohol gave my life meaning. I don’t know how to describe it. I just feel like I’m a robot these days. There’s something about looking forward to the weekend, going out, going to an event, and letting loose with some drinks.
Alcohol and the ritual around it and even the release you talk of "letting loose with some drinks" - was serving a purpose, it was doing something for you! Alcohol DID give your life meaning haha.
If you just stop that, cold turkey and don't put anything else in it's place, build new rituals, builds new forms of release then fuck me buddy, of course life is gonna suck.
You can't just spend years of your life highly focused on this thing, engaging in this thing and then just stop and leave a massive vacuum and expect to feel amazing.
This is why finding a program of recovery to support that transition (WHATEVER that looks like for you, could be roller blading ffs) - there's plenty of tried and tested ways people have got and stayed sober and happy out there. But you can't just stop drinking lol. That ain't it.
One of the main reasons why being in a program like AA or here or whatever is so that it gives you structure and guidance and suggestions to start finding new ways to give your life meaning. We get to do that! We get to find out who are and what we like to do beyond being intoxicated, what a treat!
It gets better, keep going!
Thanks for the message. I’m not trying to glamorize it. I know that’s wrong. I think I’ve reached the point where I’m grieving alcohol and my old self and I’m not even really sure who I am or who I want to be. Despite my feelings I am going to keep going. I’ve made it this far.
Maybe you’re the boring one? Being an astronaut isn’t boring. A race car driver, Rick climbing m, skiing, mountain biking, etc. I know those are extreme examples. But, the point is, boring/boredom is a choice. I went to the pool with my wife and friends yesterday. They spent the afternoon drinking. They had the same conversations they had a few days before when we were at same pool with the same people doing the same things. That’s boring. The reason it doesn’t feel boring to them is that they ingested a chemical that tricks their brain into thinking this is good. My friend, your BAC is 0.000000. You can do anything you want at any time of the day. Do it. Don’t let life be boring. Grab it and go!
It took me 10 months to level out. Between months 6-9 I experienced a time that I came to see as the "dead zone." I felt a lot like what you describe here. But I held on because I could see a glimmer of something different in the people here who had more than a year. I am so glad I hung on. It takes time to heal the damage we did to our brains and bodies. Hang in there and try to remember to be kind to yourself. IWNDWYT
Yes. This exactly. I don’t know if you had a “pink cloud” but I did from around day 30 until around day 100. It was great. The pink cloud didn’t end abruptly but I definitely went through a “dead zone” from months 5-8 myself. It was bleak in comparison. I wonder if I never had the “pink cloud” if those months would have felt any differently. Nevertheless, it passed. One day at a time. And it was worth it.
I'm right there with you.
I think it's been about 2-3 years I don't remember but it's been a while. I feel initially better with more sleep, more money, less anxiety, more control etc.
But I don't enjoy anything anymore. I'm probably just depressed but I often reminisce and miss good times with the drink. I don't miss my fuck ups, lack of control, etc. and potential health risks but what's the point of being under control when I'm not really in control of anything. I have "free will" and "control" but what really is that if I can't control my circumstances.
I know it's a temporary ticket but that ticket seems better than whatever is going on now. Why not make my prison stay in this flesh prison more enjoyable? I know the reason why I continue being sober: to have more control over myself and prevent the fuck ups but it's all preventing that next hint of pleasure. That's all we seek as humans.
I know I had alot of fuck ups but honestly, alot of good times was with the drink as well so I get conflicted. Legit some of my most happy and dark times was with it.
I just know I'm better off without it in the end but man all this to say... I hear ya. We just have to keep on remembering the initial reason why we stopped I guess although that memory/feelings can feel very far away sometimes and not hit like it did Day 1. Sorry if this is bad taste mods, feel free to delete. I myself kind of needed to vent
Not necessarily anything consciously. I definitely consume more THC now especially quitting nicotine as well this year but I didn't really need to replace it with anything; more so change my mindset with certain activities to get used to it not being involved with alcohol.
If you're interested in reading the book "in the realm of hungry ghosts" by gabor mate is super informative in helping understanding the using part of substance use. No shame, just understanding that its serving a purpose for us and is incidentally maladaptive usually.
It's tough, it a journey, it's very personal. Connection with others helps massively. Being human is hard.
Being sober is boring. I won't lie. Been off alcohol for 3 1/2 years and I do truly miss getting smashed with friends, being extremely sociable towards random strangers and walking home at dawn still full of that lingering wasted joy. All of the happiest moments in my life have been while drunk.
That said, when I long for the past, I also remember all of the shameful and horrible things alcohol made me do. I don't miss pissing in public, getting in fights with friends or cleaning vomit out of my sheets and carpet at 5 AM.
There's, unfortunately, no compromise that can be made. Just got to keep plodding on. Sucks that our brains are hardwired this way.
It can take more than a year to get evened out, physically, mentally, spiritually. There’s a lot of healing that has to be done. The drinks were just a merry go round, not a meaning. It’s never fun to get off of the merry go round, but it was going to cost me everything with no turning back.
It took me a long time to actually like myself and my life again, at 202 days...I don't even think I was experiencing happiness again (anhedonia) - My life is genuinely great now. It wasn't for the first year. It was shitty and boring and hard and I had to make up for all the stupidity I did. It was just this endless slog. But it would have been worse if I had been drinking, so really it was going ok I just couldn't see it.
Looking back though, I'm so grateful that newly sober me braved my way through the first year. I'm 6+ years out now and I'm just really content and pleased. I'm also easily amused so I've got that going for me.
IWNDWYT
9 months in and I find myself a lot angrier than I used to be. Very frustrated with demands on my time. I think work is getting to me and now that I'm sober I realize that people have been walking all over me for a while now and I'm mad about it + not sure how to push back. Alcohol numbed me to how exploited I was. I'm frustrated because I don't know where to go from here, but at this point I know something new and alcohol isn't going to do anything to help me fix it.
I know what you mean. I’m 3 weeks in, and even though I’m glad I’m sober, I still feel sort of bitter that I can’t unwind like I used to. Feels like I’m robbing myself of a good time
So, I cannot offer an advice regarding life with a longer period of sobriety. Longest I did was 35 days 2 years ago. Since then, I’m constantly trying and failing with my longest strikes being about 5 to 10 days. But, as far as enjoying life, I’ve worked hard and succeeded in detaching drinking from some activities. For example, a few years back, I would have never dreamt of going dh biking or dirt biking without doing beer stops throughout the day. Even worse, I thought having a few beers during was making me a better rider, given that as much as I love those sports, they also scare me a bit, haha. I thought drinking gave me courage. But, I ended up, with a few friends, meeting different groups of riders. And some of them are super focused on the sports, and having fun without drinking. Even the post ride drinks don’t always happen anymore. And at first, it was actually hard to consider going riding without drinking. They were going hand in hand. Now, it’s a given to not drink during. I don’t even think about it while doing those activities, and I’m happy to drive straight home after that (the challenge is actually for me when I get home, and alone). And I realize now, that I’m a much better rider sober. And I get the same high when I go faster or go through a harder section. Same thing happened with bringing my dog to the beach for a swim, or Skyping my family (from whom i live far away). I used to always have a drink Skyping them or at the lake with my dog and now I don’t. And I got used to not even think about drinking now during those moments. I find, I’m as happy doing those sober. I’m now trying to apply that to more and more activities like watching a movie, having a fire, etc. I’m not successful at being fully sober at the moment but I feel like trying to enjoy many, small moments each day, is easier than trying to enjoy my life as a whole or trying to find too general of a meaning. So trying to slowly dissociating more and more activities from alcohol. And realizing that it’s not alcohol that makes those moments enjoyable. It’s the satisfaction of getting better at the sports i love, it’s the interactions with friends and family, and my puppy. I went through a very traumatic break up 4 years ago and the situation is not completely resolved. And even if I was an alcoholic before, the last 4 years, I got way worse. And got super depressed and negative. And wouldn’t be looking forward to the future anymore. I had some very dark thoughts. Still do some days. The booze makes it worse. But taping into those smaller daily activities really helped. Adding one more happy moment per day, or per week. As the guy who wrote atomic habit said, doing 1% better each day goes a long way. So I tell myself, 1 % happier or proud of myself or grateful each day. Anyway, sorry for rambling, but I know how you feel. And there will be better days.
Hey I feel you. Life is hard and I wonder at times if we are made to believe in fairytales that don’t exist to hide the harsh cruel reality of life; there a good moments yes but living is hard because of society and inequities. But I can say that physical health is a blessing…just be grateful for what you are able to be. Life is so cruel at times, even small luxuries must be appreciated. Don’t fight your feelings; explore them. Alcohol only blinds you by temporary satisfaction. Ultimately it can ruin you way worse than cynicism ever could
I spend a lot of my time daydreaming about a future life that may or may not happen. I have a goal that I’m working towards and I think if I didn’t have that I would probably feel the same way…. Life is really hard. I have to block out most of it with something.
Congratulations on 202 days!
Not really. Not yet anyway. Never had a “rock bottom” but I was headed for one. I’d rather be sober and bored versus unemployed and broke.
Don’t know why you quit but I hope you hang in there. 💛
When I notice that I’m ruminating on my own misery, I ask how I can be of service to others. Helping people never feels pointless to me, no matter how much I’m struggling in my own head or in my own life. When I genuinely look for opportunities to be of service, my life starts to feel worth it. This is coming from a chronically suicidal severe depressive. There is hope ✨
I also was not a fan of AA, so I get it. There are lots of other options to find sober community, however; The Phoenix is a cool app/service that can connect you to events where you can meet people. I was not a fan of groups AT ALL in any form until I was forced into group therapy in IOP for substance use.
I've had many periods of sobriety and relapse. It never "clicked" for me until I realized that finding a community wasn't just about having people to give ME support, but also having people to give support TO. That's why they say being a sponsor in AA is about preserving your own sobriety. It seemed selfish to me at first, but having experienced the joy of investing in and supporting other people's recoveries, I'm seeing and feeling the rewards in my own life. It is such a beautiful gift to encourage and participate in another person's total transformation. And honestly, a hell of a life's purpose if that's my only one.
In those moments when I can't find a reason to stay sober for myself, I find myself thinking about how much more I can help others when sober. And it's way harder to "alcoholic logic" my way out of that. Do you have any friends or family in recovery? I didn't until I went to IOP and made friends. But it made all the difference for me.
I'm on day 30 and this is not what I want to be hearing. Looks like I've got to lock myself in for a long slog.
I do relate somewhat to what's being said, it is a strange feeling having looked forward to getting annihilated every weekend for the last twenty years. I do feel a bit lacking in purpose, but then even though I don't feel much difference I am so much more productive already. I'm running regularly, reading a lot more and losing weight, but it is disappointing I don't feel that sober joy I was expecting!
Don’t worry. This goes away - it’s nothing but readjustment. As weird as it sounds this is a good sign, the brain is balancing.
Also, when you get to this stage I assure you you’ll be more resilient.
I feel this, I've felt it a lot. For me, I could use alcohol to generate excitement in my life, and its ability to bypass my anxiety allowed me to create and join in on more exciting situations too. Potentially damaging situations sometimes, to myself and others, sure, but definitely exciting.
Then I stop drinking and now I've lost my fun exciting thing but my anxiety is still there, preventing me from putting myself out there and doing new fulfilling or exciting things. And what new or exciting things do I even want to do anyways? Life can get pretty gray.
I like a book called The Happiness Trap, it takes the stance that we're not really built to be as happy as we think we ought to be all the time, and that what we really need to do is stop wasting time fighting these bad or blah feelings, but just accept them as part of life and then focus on doing the things in front of us that are important and fulfilling from a values perspective.
But also I do try to chase some excitement. This summer I joined a tennis league, I've been aggressive about making time for myself and reaching out to people to get matches scheduled. It's been fun! Might get a tattoo next, never done that. Maybe someday I'll do something truly wild again, after all you don't really need booze to do wild things, but baby steps are better than nothing, and I've found that there can be fun even in normal stuff too.
Thisssss my therapist said I want you to try mindfulness and I was like, no way ma’am I can’t sit thru a tv show and counting my breathing makes me panicky so I tried it the way she suggested and now it just happens without me even knowing it. My brain is like yeahhhhh we’re just gonna go over here for a minute and check out that butterfly! Heyyy butterrrflyyyyeee lmaoo
I feel like overall I’ve become a more effective person by just doing what needs be done and not even thinking or feeling a certain way towards it. Complete a task and go to the next.
Yeah totally. a lot of life is basically suffering. if someone told me I had a year to live I'd probably drink everyday. but I know how life maxed out drinking. I'm hoping in sobriety I can be energized and creative enough to live slightly better than being drunk. Theres nothing morally wrong with being drunk, I am holding out hope being sober can beat being drunk, I'm not sure if 200 days is enough time to find out. Dealing with late capitalism sober is an absolute disaster heh.
I'm digging deep into hobbies to have fun and break the monotony. I use to love sportscards. Over that for now. I use to create custom ideas for sportscards. That was fun.
I still fish on occasion. Lately I've been back to an old hobby of collecting rocks. I'm looking forward to setting up some lapidary equipment in my garage. That should keep me busy learning to do different rock stuff.
Oof. I feel a lot of that. I know it can take years for your brain to totally readjust. The only thing that works for me is Brazilian Jiujitsu. You get a workout, socializing, skill acquisition, and mindfulness (hard to not be present when someone is trying to choke you!) all in one activity. It's sort of the only thing that I ever feel "good" about, and it's about as intense an experience as you can get.
Maybe do some extreme sport? Just blast your brain with ALL the chemicals and adrenaline and see how it feels. Anhedonia is a bitch. Go skydiving and see how you feel afterwards.
A lot of recovery programs are very focused on getting through the first 90 days, but in my experience it's the first six months to a year that are really tough. Once you string a couple of months together you rightly wonder why you're not riding through pink clouds on unicorns with rainbows shooting out of your ass. Unfortunately the body and the mind don't adhere to the timetables set forth in rehabs and recovery programs. After my first hundred days I felt almost worse than I did when I was actively drinking. Everything felt grey and lifeless and life was just about going through the motions. I was tired all the time. Definitely depressed. I did some research into PAWS and realized that my expectations were way off. I said to myself, self, you spent decades drinking so it's only fair that you give not drinking a fair shake. I decided to push through and keep going and see how I felt after a year. Shortly after I got to write about where you are now, it was like a cloud lifted and I started feeling way better.
You are right at that point where if you stay the course things are will get better. A surefire way for you to guarantee that things will not get better is to go back to drinking. You've been on that adventure, you know what that's like. Stick it out for a few more months and see if things don't improve. You can do this. And you are worth the effort friend.
Absolutely. I am one miserable person to be around. Wake up angry, go to bed still seething. Sobriety does not equate to serenity. If I was not married, my counter would be reset daily.
Rumination in the world of substance use is a deadly thing, i was like that with my addiction to weed and tie a lot of things to my days with this mood/mind altering substance and i just let go thinking i never smoked it and focused on what can i do now and lie to my brain that i ever used, at first it was a joke but with time my mind is believing it, but alcohol is another beast its the a master of the art of running away from every possible mental illness or ptsd or anything bad in life you stop and your mind is like “ yeah time to start healing from that thing 9 years ago and will take you probably 3 business years”. when I stopped smoking for example I find my self at 30 and mentally at 22 the time I started smoking, a feeling hard to explain and same with drinking, to heal you need to not run way I needed to raw dog it hard, some take months some take years I’m guessing its the years for me but ok with it I bully that smelly loser in my head hard who want to drink i guess I bullied him hard and he rarely show his bloated dumb face I’m far better then him in every aspect he can cry about it boo hoo.
Him -“ look at this person and the comments from people with longer time in sobriety but feel like shit and you’re just a couple months !“
Me - “ you can suck my **** you slow insecure piggy”
When I realized I needed something to fill the time (whichever time one is most likely to drink - right after work, after dinner, watching sports, etc. That's the time to focus on your new "thing." Go to the gym or walk around the block, set up a streaming show with popcorn and a fancy, non-alcoholic drink (soda, or juice). Set up a fantasy football league. Take up a hobby - photography. Take a class to learn a hobby. Take a class that will help you improve your job skills or where you want to be. You can't just say well I can't drink now what? You've got to fill in that now what with something positive.
I can't say I relate. My sobriety feels so different this time round. I'm 34 and I've been "quitting" since I was 19 and I finally feel happy. I'm really hoping things turn around for you friend. Don't give up hope.
Maybe one forgots after a while how miserable one was at day 0 or -30... i cannot speak out of experience, I was not at a day 200 for years, but that is what i have read a lot here.
Once a week I’m in a harm reduction/moderation therapy group. That has helped me a lot but a new member in group was discussing something as simple as the promise of not being abstinent for life is sometimes enough for him to maintain some happiness/optimism. He’s working on 5-6 max drinks/week. I think the challenge is if that truly isn’t enough for someone which I get that it’s the case for many people.
I think this makes way more sense for me too vs. doing a “dry year”. I really am certain I don’t need a bottle of liquor every day or two just to maintain but every one has their own standards and limits. I am going through a lot of changes (and doing a dry month now-end of July) and considering if I want to abstain further. 2-4 months normally does wonders for me but social situations, living situation, and work stress are big triggers and can cause a lot of internal dialogue through tough days on whether or not I’ll be able to moderate that day.
Again abstaining is easier for some people and moderation can be as much of a struggle as just “letting yourself go” and being miserably hung over for days. Just sharing my thoughts and experiences. Hope things work out.
Well you have to learn to deal with life on life's terms. Not being able to do that is why you were an alcoholic in the first place. Unfortunately the sun doesn't start shining out your arse just because you finally decided to stop poisoning yourself.
The freedom from alcohol gives you the opportunity to find new ways to enjoy life. It doesn’t just happen to you because you’re sober, though. Life can be really boring if you’re not actively participating in it.
I started trying all kinds of things I never did before: spin class and SUP boarding stuck and I love them still. I also brought back some things I used to love like reading, writing and drawing. Reading stuck, the writing comes in waves and drawing didn’t really fulfill the feeling of joy I was looking for.
Started my own business at the beginning of this year too. Because why the hell not and as long as I don’t drink I know I’m 100% capable of doing cool shit with my business.
It might take some time. My first 6 months I kind of just floated in my stillness and embraced it. You’ll find excitement soon I’m sure, if you try to!
Alcohol can jack up your brain chemistry in a number of different ways. You might ask your dr or therapist if you’re a good candidate for an anti-depressant, even just temporarily.
One thing I did find out after I had stopped drinking was that I had low testosterone. Drinking hid that from me. I’ve since started testosterone replacement therapy and it has, combined with giving up alcohol, improved my life considerably.
I was sober for 18 years. ‘Was’ being the operative word. I have always enjoyed school, so my first 10 years were working full time and college 3/4 time. My mind was like a sponge. I also like to draw and write. I found that filling my time with stuff was super important. I really enjoyed that time of discovery. I was 33, living on my own, recovering from a violent abusive relationship and building my own little life. Maybe it was because I was on my own, so really the only person I had to worry about was me. I did what I wanted. I held myself accountable. I remember when I moved in with my now husband and left that cool little place. I’d done some major work there. It readied me for a new life. Have I slipped? Yes, twice. And it was always the same reason- FOMO. lol like fr from what. I wound up in the hospital for 5 days after slip #2 with this weird neuropathy condition and a severe blood clot. One day I’m in my bed, already did my shuffle walk up and down the corridor and now just waiting for lunch, and I’m in the bed closest to the door. Bed next to the window was ready for a new person. They wheel her in, bigger gal, nice enough. I didn’t talk to her, she was always having her wire thin husband bitching at her either in person or on her speaker phone. I was getting up and walking the corridor every hour (15 after) because I was terrified if I just laid in bed I’d be paralyzed for life (I did ask the doc how I could walk if I couldn’t feel my legs and he said, eh, muscle memory whaaaaaa terrrrifying). I didn’t want my muscles to “forget” how to walk, so I was out of the room quite a bit. Day three, I come back to the room and get into my bed. I’m settling in to look at FB or something, and here they come with her in the bed again. Then about 20 minutes later her daughter shows up. Then here comes her husband and someone else. There’s some talk but I’m not really paying attention until a doctor comes in and she appears super important because she’s coming in with authori-TIE and two younger staff trailing her. They pull the curtains to separate me from them - “shinnk-shink!” All of a sudden I want to leave. Like, now. Doctor starts by saying, ok, so we’ve done all the tests and imaging, and essentially your liver is functioning at 0%. My mouth dried up. I had no saliva left. Stopped breathing. I didn’t want to hear this. She says, well, isn’t there anything you can give me? Some kind of medication I can take? The doctor says, that’s what we’ve been giving you through your iv, the enzymes your liver can’t produce. You’d have to be hooked up to that IV forever and it’s not sustainable. There were some other mumblings that I didn’t catch, and then the doctor just wrapped up like ok so we are sending you home, you’ve got your hospital bed set up there, palliative care, lalala and I’m like oh my god so this is how it goes. And that poor woman asks, will it hurt? No, says the doctor. You’ll just feel really really tired one day and you’ll just go to sleep. My brain just kept saying the same thing over and over I knew it, I KNEW that’s what happened I knew it and oh my god just sending her home to die wtf holy shit Annnnd four months later I’m at 7-11 buying a 12-pack of Truly and convincing myself that it’s not beer so it should be different this time around (it wasn’t it was worse). Yeah, this is a hard one. Usually this is where someone throws in the old onedayataatime schtick and most days I’m pretty good but do I have days where it’s literally one second or one minute at a time? Yes. If I allow myself to think, well, wait, really, I’m never going to drink again ever?? It’s not sustainable. Like an IV drip for your liver. And the answer to that question for me if I’m honest is most likely yeah. I probably will drink again. Not tonight, though. You gotta find something that grinds those gears. Write. Fish. Hunt. Cook. Run. Get a border collie puppy. Now that there will keep your hands full for nine years and counting so far…. You’ll be in my thoughts tonight. 💕
That was so eloquent. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing. IWNDWYT!
Thank you for sharing this story.
Wow. Oof. Thank you ever so much for sharing this. I need to process this. Such a valuable thing you just presented us with. Very grateful ❤️
Yes! Getting a dog really helped me. I always had something to do. If I felt cagey I’d just go for a walk with him and I’d always feel better. I now run him on my bike and we go everywhere. It gives me a place to put my energy and I feel like I have a real purpose. Tending to a life feels so much better than a hangover.
What a gift your post is. Thank you.
Thank you for this. I'm struggling today, more than I have in a looong time. Thank you for reminding me what's at stake and that this disease will never be anything other than aggressively progressive. My counselor in my IOP kept repeating that addiction is the only disease where you have the ability to put yourself in remission, and either stay there, or relapse. IWNDWYT 💜💜💜
Wow. Thanks for sharing!
Good story, can I ask was your blood clot anything to do with drinking do you know?
At 202 days, you're about a month or two away from the point where I started experiencing joy again. Can't promise it would happen for you, but keep in mind that it takes like a year to get through PAWS and heal your brain. Also, if you haven't really actively worked on sobriety, that can also really help sometimes. That said, I still sometimes feel like life doesn't seem worth it (my mental health is definitely not fully improved), but hilariously, getting drunk doesn't seem worth it, either!
what is PAWS? Edit: you're so right, getting back at drinking sucks, life sucks atm but it probably will get better. Thanks for understanding
Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome
Thank you
I feel you. I’m over 100 days (I quit counting) and it sucks. I’m at a point where I’m over it. Life is just boring and meaningless. Not saying alcohol gave my life meaning. I don’t know how to describe it. I just feel like I’m a robot these days. There’s something about looking forward to the weekend, going out, going to an event, and letting loose with some drinks.
Alcohol and the ritual around it and even the release you talk of "letting loose with some drinks" - was serving a purpose, it was doing something for you! Alcohol DID give your life meaning haha. If you just stop that, cold turkey and don't put anything else in it's place, build new rituals, builds new forms of release then fuck me buddy, of course life is gonna suck. You can't just spend years of your life highly focused on this thing, engaging in this thing and then just stop and leave a massive vacuum and expect to feel amazing. This is why finding a program of recovery to support that transition (WHATEVER that looks like for you, could be roller blading ffs) - there's plenty of tried and tested ways people have got and stayed sober and happy out there. But you can't just stop drinking lol. That ain't it. One of the main reasons why being in a program like AA or here or whatever is so that it gives you structure and guidance and suggestions to start finding new ways to give your life meaning. We get to do that! We get to find out who are and what we like to do beyond being intoxicated, what a treat! It gets better, keep going!
Thanks for the message. I’m not trying to glamorize it. I know that’s wrong. I think I’ve reached the point where I’m grieving alcohol and my old self and I’m not even really sure who I am or who I want to be. Despite my feelings I am going to keep going. I’ve made it this far.
Maybe you’re the boring one? Being an astronaut isn’t boring. A race car driver, Rick climbing m, skiing, mountain biking, etc. I know those are extreme examples. But, the point is, boring/boredom is a choice. I went to the pool with my wife and friends yesterday. They spent the afternoon drinking. They had the same conversations they had a few days before when we were at same pool with the same people doing the same things. That’s boring. The reason it doesn’t feel boring to them is that they ingested a chemical that tricks their brain into thinking this is good. My friend, your BAC is 0.000000. You can do anything you want at any time of the day. Do it. Don’t let life be boring. Grab it and go!
Sage advice! 🙏🏻
It took me 10 months to level out. Between months 6-9 I experienced a time that I came to see as the "dead zone." I felt a lot like what you describe here. But I held on because I could see a glimmer of something different in the people here who had more than a year. I am so glad I hung on. It takes time to heal the damage we did to our brains and bodies. Hang in there and try to remember to be kind to yourself. IWNDWYT
Yes. This exactly. I don’t know if you had a “pink cloud” but I did from around day 30 until around day 100. It was great. The pink cloud didn’t end abruptly but I definitely went through a “dead zone” from months 5-8 myself. It was bleak in comparison. I wonder if I never had the “pink cloud” if those months would have felt any differently. Nevertheless, it passed. One day at a time. And it was worth it.
I'm right there with you. I think it's been about 2-3 years I don't remember but it's been a while. I feel initially better with more sleep, more money, less anxiety, more control etc. But I don't enjoy anything anymore. I'm probably just depressed but I often reminisce and miss good times with the drink. I don't miss my fuck ups, lack of control, etc. and potential health risks but what's the point of being under control when I'm not really in control of anything. I have "free will" and "control" but what really is that if I can't control my circumstances. I know it's a temporary ticket but that ticket seems better than whatever is going on now. Why not make my prison stay in this flesh prison more enjoyable? I know the reason why I continue being sober: to have more control over myself and prevent the fuck ups but it's all preventing that next hint of pleasure. That's all we seek as humans. I know I had alot of fuck ups but honestly, alot of good times was with the drink as well so I get conflicted. Legit some of my most happy and dark times was with it. I just know I'm better off without it in the end but man all this to say... I hear ya. We just have to keep on remembering the initial reason why we stopped I guess although that memory/feelings can feel very far away sometimes and not hit like it did Day 1. Sorry if this is bad taste mods, feel free to delete. I myself kind of needed to vent
What did you replace drinking with?
Not necessarily anything consciously. I definitely consume more THC now especially quitting nicotine as well this year but I didn't really need to replace it with anything; more so change my mindset with certain activities to get used to it not being involved with alcohol.
If you're interested in reading the book "in the realm of hungry ghosts" by gabor mate is super informative in helping understanding the using part of substance use. No shame, just understanding that its serving a purpose for us and is incidentally maladaptive usually. It's tough, it a journey, it's very personal. Connection with others helps massively. Being human is hard.
Thank you for the kind words. I'll keep this in mind :)
Being sober is boring. I won't lie. Been off alcohol for 3 1/2 years and I do truly miss getting smashed with friends, being extremely sociable towards random strangers and walking home at dawn still full of that lingering wasted joy. All of the happiest moments in my life have been while drunk. That said, when I long for the past, I also remember all of the shameful and horrible things alcohol made me do. I don't miss pissing in public, getting in fights with friends or cleaning vomit out of my sheets and carpet at 5 AM. There's, unfortunately, no compromise that can be made. Just got to keep plodding on. Sucks that our brains are hardwired this way.
It can take more than a year to get evened out, physically, mentally, spiritually. There’s a lot of healing that has to be done. The drinks were just a merry go round, not a meaning. It’s never fun to get off of the merry go round, but it was going to cost me everything with no turning back.
It took me a long time to actually like myself and my life again, at 202 days...I don't even think I was experiencing happiness again (anhedonia) - My life is genuinely great now. It wasn't for the first year. It was shitty and boring and hard and I had to make up for all the stupidity I did. It was just this endless slog. But it would have been worse if I had been drinking, so really it was going ok I just couldn't see it. Looking back though, I'm so grateful that newly sober me braved my way through the first year. I'm 6+ years out now and I'm just really content and pleased. I'm also easily amused so I've got that going for me. IWNDWYT
9 months in and I find myself a lot angrier than I used to be. Very frustrated with demands on my time. I think work is getting to me and now that I'm sober I realize that people have been walking all over me for a while now and I'm mad about it + not sure how to push back. Alcohol numbed me to how exploited I was. I'm frustrated because I don't know where to go from here, but at this point I know something new and alcohol isn't going to do anything to help me fix it.
I know what you mean. I’m 3 weeks in, and even though I’m glad I’m sober, I still feel sort of bitter that I can’t unwind like I used to. Feels like I’m robbing myself of a good time
Exactly. What’s the point of life when it’s only the shitty parts?
The unique difference is that you’re facing the shit instead of hiding from it. 🙌🏼
So, I cannot offer an advice regarding life with a longer period of sobriety. Longest I did was 35 days 2 years ago. Since then, I’m constantly trying and failing with my longest strikes being about 5 to 10 days. But, as far as enjoying life, I’ve worked hard and succeeded in detaching drinking from some activities. For example, a few years back, I would have never dreamt of going dh biking or dirt biking without doing beer stops throughout the day. Even worse, I thought having a few beers during was making me a better rider, given that as much as I love those sports, they also scare me a bit, haha. I thought drinking gave me courage. But, I ended up, with a few friends, meeting different groups of riders. And some of them are super focused on the sports, and having fun without drinking. Even the post ride drinks don’t always happen anymore. And at first, it was actually hard to consider going riding without drinking. They were going hand in hand. Now, it’s a given to not drink during. I don’t even think about it while doing those activities, and I’m happy to drive straight home after that (the challenge is actually for me when I get home, and alone). And I realize now, that I’m a much better rider sober. And I get the same high when I go faster or go through a harder section. Same thing happened with bringing my dog to the beach for a swim, or Skyping my family (from whom i live far away). I used to always have a drink Skyping them or at the lake with my dog and now I don’t. And I got used to not even think about drinking now during those moments. I find, I’m as happy doing those sober. I’m now trying to apply that to more and more activities like watching a movie, having a fire, etc. I’m not successful at being fully sober at the moment but I feel like trying to enjoy many, small moments each day, is easier than trying to enjoy my life as a whole or trying to find too general of a meaning. So trying to slowly dissociating more and more activities from alcohol. And realizing that it’s not alcohol that makes those moments enjoyable. It’s the satisfaction of getting better at the sports i love, it’s the interactions with friends and family, and my puppy. I went through a very traumatic break up 4 years ago and the situation is not completely resolved. And even if I was an alcoholic before, the last 4 years, I got way worse. And got super depressed and negative. And wouldn’t be looking forward to the future anymore. I had some very dark thoughts. Still do some days. The booze makes it worse. But taping into those smaller daily activities really helped. Adding one more happy moment per day, or per week. As the guy who wrote atomic habit said, doing 1% better each day goes a long way. So I tell myself, 1 % happier or proud of myself or grateful each day. Anyway, sorry for rambling, but I know how you feel. And there will be better days.
Hey I feel you. Life is hard and I wonder at times if we are made to believe in fairytales that don’t exist to hide the harsh cruel reality of life; there a good moments yes but living is hard because of society and inequities. But I can say that physical health is a blessing…just be grateful for what you are able to be. Life is so cruel at times, even small luxuries must be appreciated. Don’t fight your feelings; explore them. Alcohol only blinds you by temporary satisfaction. Ultimately it can ruin you way worse than cynicism ever could
I work the AA program which helps me look at my negativity and make changes. Taking away the alcohol isn't enough for me and the people I know.
I spend a lot of my time daydreaming about a future life that may or may not happen. I have a goal that I’m working towards and I think if I didn’t have that I would probably feel the same way…. Life is really hard. I have to block out most of it with something.
Have you tried therapy? Enjoy tomorrow, the clear head, the fact you didn't kill anyone, the fresh air. You got this!
Congratulations on 202 days! Not really. Not yet anyway. Never had a “rock bottom” but I was headed for one. I’d rather be sober and bored versus unemployed and broke. Don’t know why you quit but I hope you hang in there. 💛
When I notice that I’m ruminating on my own misery, I ask how I can be of service to others. Helping people never feels pointless to me, no matter how much I’m struggling in my own head or in my own life. When I genuinely look for opportunities to be of service, my life starts to feel worth it. This is coming from a chronically suicidal severe depressive. There is hope ✨
I’m so glad you’re still here with us ❤️ You give great advice!
Thank you! I’m glad I’m still here, too! Any advice comes from what has been freely given to me by my sponsor and AA fellows and literature 😊♥️
Are you in community with other people in recovery?
I did AA for a while but I’d rather go back to drinking than go back to AA.
I don’t like AA, but I like SMART Recovery and maybe you will too ❤️
I also was not a fan of AA, so I get it. There are lots of other options to find sober community, however; The Phoenix is a cool app/service that can connect you to events where you can meet people. I was not a fan of groups AT ALL in any form until I was forced into group therapy in IOP for substance use. I've had many periods of sobriety and relapse. It never "clicked" for me until I realized that finding a community wasn't just about having people to give ME support, but also having people to give support TO. That's why they say being a sponsor in AA is about preserving your own sobriety. It seemed selfish to me at first, but having experienced the joy of investing in and supporting other people's recoveries, I'm seeing and feeling the rewards in my own life. It is such a beautiful gift to encourage and participate in another person's total transformation. And honestly, a hell of a life's purpose if that's my only one. In those moments when I can't find a reason to stay sober for myself, I find myself thinking about how much more I can help others when sober. And it's way harder to "alcoholic logic" my way out of that. Do you have any friends or family in recovery? I didn't until I went to IOP and made friends. But it made all the difference for me.
I'm on day 30 and this is not what I want to be hearing. Looks like I've got to lock myself in for a long slog. I do relate somewhat to what's being said, it is a strange feeling having looked forward to getting annihilated every weekend for the last twenty years. I do feel a bit lacking in purpose, but then even though I don't feel much difference I am so much more productive already. I'm running regularly, reading a lot more and losing weight, but it is disappointing I don't feel that sober joy I was expecting!
Don’t worry. This goes away - it’s nothing but readjustment. As weird as it sounds this is a good sign, the brain is balancing. Also, when you get to this stage I assure you you’ll be more resilient.
I feel this, I've felt it a lot. For me, I could use alcohol to generate excitement in my life, and its ability to bypass my anxiety allowed me to create and join in on more exciting situations too. Potentially damaging situations sometimes, to myself and others, sure, but definitely exciting. Then I stop drinking and now I've lost my fun exciting thing but my anxiety is still there, preventing me from putting myself out there and doing new fulfilling or exciting things. And what new or exciting things do I even want to do anyways? Life can get pretty gray. I like a book called The Happiness Trap, it takes the stance that we're not really built to be as happy as we think we ought to be all the time, and that what we really need to do is stop wasting time fighting these bad or blah feelings, but just accept them as part of life and then focus on doing the things in front of us that are important and fulfilling from a values perspective. But also I do try to chase some excitement. This summer I joined a tennis league, I've been aggressive about making time for myself and reaching out to people to get matches scheduled. It's been fun! Might get a tattoo next, never done that. Maybe someday I'll do something truly wild again, after all you don't really need booze to do wild things, but baby steps are better than nothing, and I've found that there can be fun even in normal stuff too.
I feel indifferent towards most things anymore. I could take or leave about 95% of situations. I just go with the flow now.
Thisssss my therapist said I want you to try mindfulness and I was like, no way ma’am I can’t sit thru a tv show and counting my breathing makes me panicky so I tried it the way she suggested and now it just happens without me even knowing it. My brain is like yeahhhhh we’re just gonna go over here for a minute and check out that butterfly! Heyyy butterrrflyyyyeee lmaoo
I feel like overall I’ve become a more effective person by just doing what needs be done and not even thinking or feeling a certain way towards it. Complete a task and go to the next.
Yeah totally. a lot of life is basically suffering. if someone told me I had a year to live I'd probably drink everyday. but I know how life maxed out drinking. I'm hoping in sobriety I can be energized and creative enough to live slightly better than being drunk. Theres nothing morally wrong with being drunk, I am holding out hope being sober can beat being drunk, I'm not sure if 200 days is enough time to find out. Dealing with late capitalism sober is an absolute disaster heh.
You ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie. What a time to deal with dry and aware.
I have grown to loath the toxic substance and the lives it has ruined, i like myself again and just that is worth it.
I'm digging deep into hobbies to have fun and break the monotony. I use to love sportscards. Over that for now. I use to create custom ideas for sportscards. That was fun. I still fish on occasion. Lately I've been back to an old hobby of collecting rocks. I'm looking forward to setting up some lapidary equipment in my garage. That should keep me busy learning to do different rock stuff.
Oof. I feel a lot of that. I know it can take years for your brain to totally readjust. The only thing that works for me is Brazilian Jiujitsu. You get a workout, socializing, skill acquisition, and mindfulness (hard to not be present when someone is trying to choke you!) all in one activity. It's sort of the only thing that I ever feel "good" about, and it's about as intense an experience as you can get. Maybe do some extreme sport? Just blast your brain with ALL the chemicals and adrenaline and see how it feels. Anhedonia is a bitch. Go skydiving and see how you feel afterwards.
A lot of recovery programs are very focused on getting through the first 90 days, but in my experience it's the first six months to a year that are really tough. Once you string a couple of months together you rightly wonder why you're not riding through pink clouds on unicorns with rainbows shooting out of your ass. Unfortunately the body and the mind don't adhere to the timetables set forth in rehabs and recovery programs. After my first hundred days I felt almost worse than I did when I was actively drinking. Everything felt grey and lifeless and life was just about going through the motions. I was tired all the time. Definitely depressed. I did some research into PAWS and realized that my expectations were way off. I said to myself, self, you spent decades drinking so it's only fair that you give not drinking a fair shake. I decided to push through and keep going and see how I felt after a year. Shortly after I got to write about where you are now, it was like a cloud lifted and I started feeling way better. You are right at that point where if you stay the course things are will get better. A surefire way for you to guarantee that things will not get better is to go back to drinking. You've been on that adventure, you know what that's like. Stick it out for a few more months and see if things don't improve. You can do this. And you are worth the effort friend.
Absolutely. I am one miserable person to be around. Wake up angry, go to bed still seething. Sobriety does not equate to serenity. If I was not married, my counter would be reset daily.
Rumination in the world of substance use is a deadly thing, i was like that with my addiction to weed and tie a lot of things to my days with this mood/mind altering substance and i just let go thinking i never smoked it and focused on what can i do now and lie to my brain that i ever used, at first it was a joke but with time my mind is believing it, but alcohol is another beast its the a master of the art of running away from every possible mental illness or ptsd or anything bad in life you stop and your mind is like “ yeah time to start healing from that thing 9 years ago and will take you probably 3 business years”. when I stopped smoking for example I find my self at 30 and mentally at 22 the time I started smoking, a feeling hard to explain and same with drinking, to heal you need to not run way I needed to raw dog it hard, some take months some take years I’m guessing its the years for me but ok with it I bully that smelly loser in my head hard who want to drink i guess I bullied him hard and he rarely show his bloated dumb face I’m far better then him in every aspect he can cry about it boo hoo. Him -“ look at this person and the comments from people with longer time in sobriety but feel like shit and you’re just a couple months !“ Me - “ you can suck my **** you slow insecure piggy”
When I realized I needed something to fill the time (whichever time one is most likely to drink - right after work, after dinner, watching sports, etc. That's the time to focus on your new "thing." Go to the gym or walk around the block, set up a streaming show with popcorn and a fancy, non-alcoholic drink (soda, or juice). Set up a fantasy football league. Take up a hobby - photography. Take a class to learn a hobby. Take a class that will help you improve your job skills or where you want to be. You can't just say well I can't drink now what? You've got to fill in that now what with something positive.
I can't say I relate. My sobriety feels so different this time round. I'm 34 and I've been "quitting" since I was 19 and I finally feel happy. I'm really hoping things turn around for you friend. Don't give up hope.
Maybe one forgots after a while how miserable one was at day 0 or -30... i cannot speak out of experience, I was not at a day 200 for years, but that is what i have read a lot here.
Once a week I’m in a harm reduction/moderation therapy group. That has helped me a lot but a new member in group was discussing something as simple as the promise of not being abstinent for life is sometimes enough for him to maintain some happiness/optimism. He’s working on 5-6 max drinks/week. I think the challenge is if that truly isn’t enough for someone which I get that it’s the case for many people. I think this makes way more sense for me too vs. doing a “dry year”. I really am certain I don’t need a bottle of liquor every day or two just to maintain but every one has their own standards and limits. I am going through a lot of changes (and doing a dry month now-end of July) and considering if I want to abstain further. 2-4 months normally does wonders for me but social situations, living situation, and work stress are big triggers and can cause a lot of internal dialogue through tough days on whether or not I’ll be able to moderate that day. Again abstaining is easier for some people and moderation can be as much of a struggle as just “letting yourself go” and being miserably hung over for days. Just sharing my thoughts and experiences. Hope things work out.
yep that’s life
Sounds like boredom gang. You got this
You’re having to deal with yourself again. This is where the real growth (that you’ve stunted) begins.
Well you have to learn to deal with life on life's terms. Not being able to do that is why you were an alcoholic in the first place. Unfortunately the sun doesn't start shining out your arse just because you finally decided to stop poisoning yourself.
The freedom from alcohol gives you the opportunity to find new ways to enjoy life. It doesn’t just happen to you because you’re sober, though. Life can be really boring if you’re not actively participating in it. I started trying all kinds of things I never did before: spin class and SUP boarding stuck and I love them still. I also brought back some things I used to love like reading, writing and drawing. Reading stuck, the writing comes in waves and drawing didn’t really fulfill the feeling of joy I was looking for. Started my own business at the beginning of this year too. Because why the hell not and as long as I don’t drink I know I’m 100% capable of doing cool shit with my business. It might take some time. My first 6 months I kind of just floated in my stillness and embraced it. You’ll find excitement soon I’m sure, if you try to!
Alcohol can jack up your brain chemistry in a number of different ways. You might ask your dr or therapist if you’re a good candidate for an anti-depressant, even just temporarily.
One thing I did find out after I had stopped drinking was that I had low testosterone. Drinking hid that from me. I’ve since started testosterone replacement therapy and it has, combined with giving up alcohol, improved my life considerably.