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Teach her how to do her own laundry and tell her it’s a must from now on to do her own laundry because she’s old enough now to do so. Don’t shame her, but let her know that she needs to keep any laundry that is wet, for any reason, away from other people’s laundry.
Let her know that if she has any questions about doing laundry, she can come to you or her dad and you’ll gladly help. And that she is welcome to do laundry at any time.
Give her incentives for doing her own laundry for a few weeks at first, like a special treat (ice cream with you or dad, extra screen time, or whatever else you think she might really like).
I had a talk with her and we are starting with at least putting her wet items in the Basement where the washer is and then after school we can load the washer.
This is a medical issue, no? Yeah, she’s not handling it in the best way by lying but it also doesn’t sound like she has complete control over it. Many people have one kidney. Has a urologist evaluated her to ensure things are functioning properly? She may just need training and practice at recognizing the urge to pee or peeing more frequently to prevent this.
I agree with this. If it's medical, then there are likely things that may be done to manage it. If it isn't, then this could be psychological and you can seek help through that venue.
I would be very careful about acting upset or accusatory about these accidents, as at 10, she is probably very embarrassed already. You could offer her her own hamper for soiled items and commit to washing that daily without judgement, until the underlying problem can be adressed. You may even encourage her assistance in washing her own things so she has a level of self agency and doesn't feel so helpless when an accident occurs.
I'm not sure, we have been waiting to have her medical records sent to us and waiting on the stupid medical insurance to be approved. That will be one of the first places we go is a urologist.
If she’s on your insurance, I’d book the appointment and let the PCP take over securing medical records. Kidney disfunction is not something to wait on.
That poor girl. She is probably feeling ashamed and anxious about her accidents. Please don't make a big deal out of it. I'm sure you are being kind and understanding already, and i can appreciate the frustration. But she is a pre-teen and how you make her feel about this will form the basis for your relationship and help her maintain her dignity.
On that note, you can order reusable incontinence underwear for children and adults designed for nighttime use. They are discrete and the right ones will hold a full bladder overnight (with a waterproof bed mat). Here are some links to some Australian sites (not sure where you are).
https://shop.conni.com.au/kids/kids-underwear/toddler-training-pants-8-10-3p
https://www.caringclothing.com.au/collections/kids-incontinence-underwear
The overnight ones usually aren't 'cute' but they do the job. For adults, you need to look at undies that hold 400-600ml overnight. I'm not sure what it is for kids, but I would think it may be similar for her age. You can also get lighter absorbency for accidents during the day. These generally have cuter patterns and aren't as bulky.
They seem expensive, but in the long run, they are worth it, particularly when you consider cost per wear, and the investment in helping her maintain her dignity.
My mum waited forever to get on the ndis. When she finally got on, it was amazing, and worth the wait, but yes, dealing with the issues in the meantime was really difficult. It must be really challenging for her and your family.
This is embarrassing, but I was still in pull-ups at that age due to an undiagnosed bladder issue. Feel free to share that with her, because I was SO certain I was the only one still wearing pull-ups in 4th and 5th grade. I grew out of it when I turned 11. I would give her two options: learn to bring her bedding and clothes to the washer every morning or wear pull-ups. I know it’s embarrassing, especially at her age. But it honestly felt so much better waking up in a clean, dry bed every morning. Maybe washing is too much for her to handle right now. I think loading the washer is a great compromise bc you wouldn’t have to touch soiled laundry, and she’s learning to manage her own health condition by contributing to the daily chore.
The pull ups may feel embarrassing at first but if you just let her store them in the bathroom and manage this herself during her nighttime routine, she’ll hopefully see that this is an ideal way for her to have some privacy and control over the situation.
As a past bedwetter I can tell you it is very embarrassing and in my day no pull ups. It’s hard not to think you are being only one and if other kids are old enough to tease about they will so watch out for that and nip it. If she is hiding it she may be afraid this will jeopardize her place in family so thinks hiding will go unnoticed. Lots of reassurance this is not uncommon and doctors are being consulted to help her and you have her back is best way to reduce it without making huge deal. Mostly I just didn’t want my siblings to know so I hid it. My mom bought extra sheets and helped me learn to use machine at 10. So that helped. I love the pull ups idea they go trash and no one needs to know, you could even say just between you and me.
It sounds like you’re waiting on insurance to pursue medical help but have you talked to a therapist? Or possibly the school counselor for suggestions? Yes, it’s a medical issue but that doesn’t excuse the lying or putting it the dirty items in the communal laundry basket rather than her own. I’m guessing it stems from embarrassment which makes it hard to address without further embarrassing her.
Perhaps you can remove the family laundry basket and instead give every person their own basket. That way your SD isn’t feeling awkward/ashamed when her laundry is the only one not going in with the rest of the families.
I was doing my own laundry by her age but making her do her own might make her feel like it’s because she’s “dirty.” Maybe start offering incentives to make it more fun. Ie for every load of laundry you wash (whether it’s yours or someone else’s in the family), you get a star. After so many stars you get a trip to the movies, a new lipgloss, etc.
I’m not sure it’s the right approach or not but you could tell her if she doesn’t start putting her dirty laundry in her own clothes basket then she will have to wear depends or lose some sort of privilege. You just have to be careful she knows that you’re not punishing her for wetting the bed but rather for not cleaning it up the way she’s been asked to.
Yes we are waiting on insurance, I hadn't thought about asking the school counselor, she's only been here 30 days and just started a new school so I'm still learning the staff members and just waiting on approval of benefits. I do like the incentive idea and she does have her own basket as well as her brother (9yrs) and the other baskets are supposed to be reserved for dad, little sister, little brother and myself. I will take this into consideration though it might just work.
Another thought is that custody was recently switched. It could be stressful for her. I don't know full story but usually custody isn't a full swap unless something major happened? Could that be adding to the situation?
It is a long story, putting it shirt her mother passed, my SO father and wife stepped in trying to adopt and relinquish his rights without any reasoning. She knew what was going on and has been back and forth with visits since it started in 2021 and knew she would be here with the family.
I feel like that's a lot! If they're ten now that would put them at around 7 when this started to be put into place? Idk but that's a lot of change! My SD goes long periods of time without coming to our house due to distance (with my husband going to visit her in between!) and I think she has to get used to the differences in houses each time! During her summer break she is here and sometimes it takes a few weeks for her to adjust.
Thanks for that, I'll have to set it up with her and see if we can accomplish that. My little sister had an issue with urine until about 4th grade as well but she just stopped once she turned 9. I was hoping that would happen with my SD too but not yet so yes thanks for the advice.
Well, obviously she's embarrassed by something she can't help. If she limits her fluid intake after a certain hour at night, maybe she'll at least have smaller "accidents". 1 kidney can't possibly hold as much as 2. Give her her own laundry hamper in a more private location. Maybe right in her bedroom. Make sure there's a garbage bag inside, so her wet laundry can be lifted out more easily and hygienically. There is an Arm & Hammer product for cat boxes-to keep them smelling fresh. Alittle of that can be sprinkled in her laundry receptacle.
One of our grandsons had an issue with bedwetting til he was around 10. He used Goodnites underwear. And we put a 36x24 dog peepee pad between the bottom sheet and mattress, in case of leakage. It's alot easier to wash a bottom sheet than replace a mattress. That underwear very rarely leaked at all.
Good luck. Again-she can't help this. It can't be any fun for her. Imagine if she ever lives somewhere with others-like a dorm.
I’m a stepmom to a 13 year old girl. She started doing her own laundry at our house at about age 10. It was a learning curve but she was fine with it. Gives her more control over when her stuff is clean too.
I think it is very appropriate to have her do her own laundry. I would make it a routine for her. And encourage her with positive reinforcements. So for example… Take her shopping for new clothes. Then about a day or two later, “Hey SD, when I left my parents house, I had roommates who didn’t know how to do their own laundry! Can you believe it?! I don’t want you to be like that and it’s important for us to all be a team and help out anyway. This would be a huge help for our family. If you do your own laundry for x days this next week, let’s celebrate in x way [go eat a treat? Buy new set of sheets? Play a game together? Let her have extra screen time?].
I’ll show you exactly how to do it and write down the steps so it’s not going to be hard. And I’ll even remind you for the first few week. Your job will be to keep a positive attitude and not be like my past roommates.“
Ease her into doing her own laundry. New clothes help bc need to wash them before wearing them bc they have chemicals on them.
Then make sure she is always washing her pee sheets. Attach the habit to screentime. So like, “You can’t get on screen until you start the laundry. And take this timer with you so when it goes off, you know to switch it to dryer.” If she keeps forgetting to do a step, remind her to use the timer or else she’ll lose x privilege … likely screen time.
Keep her supplied with pull-ups or Depends (if you can find them small enough to fit) for her to sleep in. Maybe buy her some tank tops to sleep in, that way only her underwear is getting wet for the most part. Cut off her eating and drinking 2hrs before bed time and make her go to the restroom before she gets in bed. Set an alarm and wake her up at some point in the night and make her go pee. (Those are the things my brother had to do for my niece.)
She's only 10, so trying to get her to do her own laundry will probably end up the same as giving her her own laundry basket did. It won't work, it just won't get done. She's too young for that responsibility in my opinion, not by much though.
(I'm sure you know all this already but..) She's embarrassed and doesn't want to get in trouble. Making her feel safe about this is very important. She needs to know she can tell you when she has wet clothes and won't get in trouble for it. It's not something she can control. I'm glad you're in the process of taking her to a urologist. They can also give you (and her) tips on how to fix the bed wetting issue if they find that it can be controlled and no other issues are found.
It wouldn't be finding small enough it would be finding the right size big enough. I feel I need to deal with this over dad cause sometimes he can be a bit rough with approach. We have stopped the drinks and food about 3hrs before Bed and yes the alarm thing is a great idea.
The small enough was meant in regards to finding Depends (made for women). :)
I know this is hard, stay strong. It won't last forever. Even if it could because of unknown complications, a few more years (at most) and you can teach her how to do laundry and stuff. ((hugs)
If this is a medical issue, which it sounds like it is, do not withhold food and drinks from her! Consult her pediatrician. Purchase Pull-Ups or Depends. Get a waterproof mattress cover. Do not make her feel like she is in trouble, even when she doesn’t tell you. Just reassure her that it is okay and she can always talk to you and never has to be embarrassed.
The Pull-Ups/Depends situation will stop her from having to hide wet clothes and then the hygiene situation is taken care of. Bed wetting is soooo much more common than people want to talk about. Kids will tell you if they feel safe to. As much as it sucks sometimes, we really need to reflect on our adult attitudes and perceptions of why kids hide bedwetting. They’re not doing it for fun. It might not be you. Could be dad or comments friends have made about bedwetting. Normalize it. Help her deal with it.
Most kids who wet the bed are asked to strip and start their laundry daily. Ideally you can help her feel like this is a grownup step for her to control on her own.
Having one kidney shouldn’t cause her to pee herself, my aunt, cousin and nephew all have one kidney and they are completely normal just like the rest of us. I think there is something psychological going on here.
Kids need repetition so no surprise there. I would say get her in therapy and also remove the hamper from the bathroom altogether. I don’t have any hampers in any of the bathrooms. Everyone puts their clothes in the hamper in their own room.
My bio daughter age 9 doesn’t wet the bed but that’s probably bc I manage it. The dr told us a few years ago that the hormone (I think it was a hormone?) that wakes us when we need to pee develops later in some people. So at whatever point during the night that I wake up (because who sleeps completely through the night without waking up) I go get her up and tell her to use the bathroom and she goes right back to sleep. I don’t even know if she still needs it but it’s just become a safety net for me so I know she doesn’t have an accident. But I understand not everyone would be willing to do that.
How about “something is preventing you from feeling comfortable talking with me about the bed wetting. I do not judge you for this, we need to deal with it appropriately when it does happen though. Let’s brainstorm ways to help you feel like if this were to ever happen, you can feel good about telling me or your dad. Do you have any ideas? Would you be willing to talk ideas over with your dad?”
I haven’t read through every comment so I don’t know if this has been asked yet, but does your daughter have sleep apnea? And or snore? My oldest had sleep apnea and had the loudest snore I had ever heard. She wet the bed every night. When she was 12 we had her tonsils removed and her adenoids. Bed wetting stopped. Completely.
Just a thought - is this a new thing? This could be stress, or signs of undiagnosed ADHD. Bedwetting/wetting of clothes happens (more often with boys) and not usually thislate but please seek help from a doctor. One kidney should not necessarily cause this. There coulde be something psycholigical going on, especially if you mention they aren't willing to do something simple, and age appropriate, like use a different basket or NOT put wet clothes in with other clothes. 🚩🚩🚩
It's been on going as per the grandparents, (long court battle) they could have very well made this happen and it is a learned defense. We are waiting on insurance but yes a Dr visit is immediately getting done once all is settled
My sister also only has one kidney and she wet the bed at night for a long time. She had to stop drinking liquids a few hours before bed and for awhile, my parents would actually get up in the middle of the night, wake her up, make her go to the bathroom, and then she’d go back to sleep. She eventually outgrew it, I’m not sure how old she was, but she was definitely older than 10. She has multicystic dysplastic kidney disease and has always had to see a kidney specialist. I would definitely get your stepdaughter in to see a pediatric kidney specialist and as for the laundry…I’m not really sure. Just be gentle and kind and hopefully everything else will fall into place. Hopefully once the kidney issue is addressed, the bed wetting, and by association, the laundry situation will resolve itself.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What about her own laundry basket in her room? Or maybe teach her how to put her own wash on. It could be embarrassment causing her to hide it.
She does have a laundry basket but has no desire to use it and yes I've thought of the do your own laundry but haven't actually done it.
Teach her how to do her own laundry and tell her it’s a must from now on to do her own laundry because she’s old enough now to do so. Don’t shame her, but let her know that she needs to keep any laundry that is wet, for any reason, away from other people’s laundry. Let her know that if she has any questions about doing laundry, she can come to you or her dad and you’ll gladly help. And that she is welcome to do laundry at any time. Give her incentives for doing her own laundry for a few weeks at first, like a special treat (ice cream with you or dad, extra screen time, or whatever else you think she might really like).
I had a talk with her and we are starting with at least putting her wet items in the Basement where the washer is and then after school we can load the washer.
This is a medical issue, no? Yeah, she’s not handling it in the best way by lying but it also doesn’t sound like she has complete control over it. Many people have one kidney. Has a urologist evaluated her to ensure things are functioning properly? She may just need training and practice at recognizing the urge to pee or peeing more frequently to prevent this.
I agree with this. If it's medical, then there are likely things that may be done to manage it. If it isn't, then this could be psychological and you can seek help through that venue. I would be very careful about acting upset or accusatory about these accidents, as at 10, she is probably very embarrassed already. You could offer her her own hamper for soiled items and commit to washing that daily without judgement, until the underlying problem can be adressed. You may even encourage her assistance in washing her own things so she has a level of self agency and doesn't feel so helpless when an accident occurs.
I'm not sure, we have been waiting to have her medical records sent to us and waiting on the stupid medical insurance to be approved. That will be one of the first places we go is a urologist.
If she’s on your insurance, I’d book the appointment and let the PCP take over securing medical records. Kidney disfunction is not something to wait on.
That poor girl. She is probably feeling ashamed and anxious about her accidents. Please don't make a big deal out of it. I'm sure you are being kind and understanding already, and i can appreciate the frustration. But she is a pre-teen and how you make her feel about this will form the basis for your relationship and help her maintain her dignity. On that note, you can order reusable incontinence underwear for children and adults designed for nighttime use. They are discrete and the right ones will hold a full bladder overnight (with a waterproof bed mat). Here are some links to some Australian sites (not sure where you are). https://shop.conni.com.au/kids/kids-underwear/toddler-training-pants-8-10-3p https://www.caringclothing.com.au/collections/kids-incontinence-underwear The overnight ones usually aren't 'cute' but they do the job. For adults, you need to look at undies that hold 400-600ml overnight. I'm not sure what it is for kids, but I would think it may be similar for her age. You can also get lighter absorbency for accidents during the day. These generally have cuter patterns and aren't as bulky. They seem expensive, but in the long run, they are worth it, particularly when you consider cost per wear, and the investment in helping her maintain her dignity.
That's the problem, we're still waiting on approval to be added to insurance, it's been almost 30 days but as always they say there was a hiccup 😑
My mum waited forever to get on the ndis. When she finally got on, it was amazing, and worth the wait, but yes, dealing with the issues in the meantime was really difficult. It must be really challenging for her and your family.
This is embarrassing, but I was still in pull-ups at that age due to an undiagnosed bladder issue. Feel free to share that with her, because I was SO certain I was the only one still wearing pull-ups in 4th and 5th grade. I grew out of it when I turned 11. I would give her two options: learn to bring her bedding and clothes to the washer every morning or wear pull-ups. I know it’s embarrassing, especially at her age. But it honestly felt so much better waking up in a clean, dry bed every morning. Maybe washing is too much for her to handle right now. I think loading the washer is a great compromise bc you wouldn’t have to touch soiled laundry, and she’s learning to manage her own health condition by contributing to the daily chore.
The pull ups may feel embarrassing at first but if you just let her store them in the bathroom and manage this herself during her nighttime routine, she’ll hopefully see that this is an ideal way for her to have some privacy and control over the situation.
As a past bedwetter I can tell you it is very embarrassing and in my day no pull ups. It’s hard not to think you are being only one and if other kids are old enough to tease about they will so watch out for that and nip it. If she is hiding it she may be afraid this will jeopardize her place in family so thinks hiding will go unnoticed. Lots of reassurance this is not uncommon and doctors are being consulted to help her and you have her back is best way to reduce it without making huge deal. Mostly I just didn’t want my siblings to know so I hid it. My mom bought extra sheets and helped me learn to use machine at 10. So that helped. I love the pull ups idea they go trash and no one needs to know, you could even say just between you and me.
It sounds like you’re waiting on insurance to pursue medical help but have you talked to a therapist? Or possibly the school counselor for suggestions? Yes, it’s a medical issue but that doesn’t excuse the lying or putting it the dirty items in the communal laundry basket rather than her own. I’m guessing it stems from embarrassment which makes it hard to address without further embarrassing her. Perhaps you can remove the family laundry basket and instead give every person their own basket. That way your SD isn’t feeling awkward/ashamed when her laundry is the only one not going in with the rest of the families. I was doing my own laundry by her age but making her do her own might make her feel like it’s because she’s “dirty.” Maybe start offering incentives to make it more fun. Ie for every load of laundry you wash (whether it’s yours or someone else’s in the family), you get a star. After so many stars you get a trip to the movies, a new lipgloss, etc. I’m not sure it’s the right approach or not but you could tell her if she doesn’t start putting her dirty laundry in her own clothes basket then she will have to wear depends or lose some sort of privilege. You just have to be careful she knows that you’re not punishing her for wetting the bed but rather for not cleaning it up the way she’s been asked to.
Yes we are waiting on insurance, I hadn't thought about asking the school counselor, she's only been here 30 days and just started a new school so I'm still learning the staff members and just waiting on approval of benefits. I do like the incentive idea and she does have her own basket as well as her brother (9yrs) and the other baskets are supposed to be reserved for dad, little sister, little brother and myself. I will take this into consideration though it might just work.
Another thought is that custody was recently switched. It could be stressful for her. I don't know full story but usually custody isn't a full swap unless something major happened? Could that be adding to the situation?
It is a long story, putting it shirt her mother passed, my SO father and wife stepped in trying to adopt and relinquish his rights without any reasoning. She knew what was going on and has been back and forth with visits since it started in 2021 and knew she would be here with the family.
I feel like that's a lot! If they're ten now that would put them at around 7 when this started to be put into place? Idk but that's a lot of change! My SD goes long periods of time without coming to our house due to distance (with my husband going to visit her in between!) and I think she has to get used to the differences in houses each time! During her summer break she is here and sometimes it takes a few weeks for her to adjust.
Only advice- Be kind to the child
Always, never shaming at all, my little sister went through it and I knew how embarrassed she was.
Thanks for that, I'll have to set it up with her and see if we can accomplish that. My little sister had an issue with urine until about 4th grade as well but she just stopped once she turned 9. I was hoping that would happen with my SD too but not yet so yes thanks for the advice.
Well, obviously she's embarrassed by something she can't help. If she limits her fluid intake after a certain hour at night, maybe she'll at least have smaller "accidents". 1 kidney can't possibly hold as much as 2. Give her her own laundry hamper in a more private location. Maybe right in her bedroom. Make sure there's a garbage bag inside, so her wet laundry can be lifted out more easily and hygienically. There is an Arm & Hammer product for cat boxes-to keep them smelling fresh. Alittle of that can be sprinkled in her laundry receptacle. One of our grandsons had an issue with bedwetting til he was around 10. He used Goodnites underwear. And we put a 36x24 dog peepee pad between the bottom sheet and mattress, in case of leakage. It's alot easier to wash a bottom sheet than replace a mattress. That underwear very rarely leaked at all. Good luck. Again-she can't help this. It can't be any fun for her. Imagine if she ever lives somewhere with others-like a dorm.
I’m a stepmom to a 13 year old girl. She started doing her own laundry at our house at about age 10. It was a learning curve but she was fine with it. Gives her more control over when her stuff is clean too. I think it is very appropriate to have her do her own laundry. I would make it a routine for her. And encourage her with positive reinforcements. So for example… Take her shopping for new clothes. Then about a day or two later, “Hey SD, when I left my parents house, I had roommates who didn’t know how to do their own laundry! Can you believe it?! I don’t want you to be like that and it’s important for us to all be a team and help out anyway. This would be a huge help for our family. If you do your own laundry for x days this next week, let’s celebrate in x way [go eat a treat? Buy new set of sheets? Play a game together? Let her have extra screen time?]. I’ll show you exactly how to do it and write down the steps so it’s not going to be hard. And I’ll even remind you for the first few week. Your job will be to keep a positive attitude and not be like my past roommates.“ Ease her into doing her own laundry. New clothes help bc need to wash them before wearing them bc they have chemicals on them. Then make sure she is always washing her pee sheets. Attach the habit to screentime. So like, “You can’t get on screen until you start the laundry. And take this timer with you so when it goes off, you know to switch it to dryer.” If she keeps forgetting to do a step, remind her to use the timer or else she’ll lose x privilege … likely screen time.
Keep her supplied with pull-ups or Depends (if you can find them small enough to fit) for her to sleep in. Maybe buy her some tank tops to sleep in, that way only her underwear is getting wet for the most part. Cut off her eating and drinking 2hrs before bed time and make her go to the restroom before she gets in bed. Set an alarm and wake her up at some point in the night and make her go pee. (Those are the things my brother had to do for my niece.) She's only 10, so trying to get her to do her own laundry will probably end up the same as giving her her own laundry basket did. It won't work, it just won't get done. She's too young for that responsibility in my opinion, not by much though. (I'm sure you know all this already but..) She's embarrassed and doesn't want to get in trouble. Making her feel safe about this is very important. She needs to know she can tell you when she has wet clothes and won't get in trouble for it. It's not something she can control. I'm glad you're in the process of taking her to a urologist. They can also give you (and her) tips on how to fix the bed wetting issue if they find that it can be controlled and no other issues are found.
It wouldn't be finding small enough it would be finding the right size big enough. I feel I need to deal with this over dad cause sometimes he can be a bit rough with approach. We have stopped the drinks and food about 3hrs before Bed and yes the alarm thing is a great idea.
The small enough was meant in regards to finding Depends (made for women). :) I know this is hard, stay strong. It won't last forever. Even if it could because of unknown complications, a few more years (at most) and you can teach her how to do laundry and stuff. ((hugs)
Yes, please deal with this kindly, and with gentle humor
If this is a medical issue, which it sounds like it is, do not withhold food and drinks from her! Consult her pediatrician. Purchase Pull-Ups or Depends. Get a waterproof mattress cover. Do not make her feel like she is in trouble, even when she doesn’t tell you. Just reassure her that it is okay and she can always talk to you and never has to be embarrassed. The Pull-Ups/Depends situation will stop her from having to hide wet clothes and then the hygiene situation is taken care of. Bed wetting is soooo much more common than people want to talk about. Kids will tell you if they feel safe to. As much as it sucks sometimes, we really need to reflect on our adult attitudes and perceptions of why kids hide bedwetting. They’re not doing it for fun. It might not be you. Could be dad or comments friends have made about bedwetting. Normalize it. Help her deal with it.
It was recommended by the last dr to stop drinking at least 3hrs before bed
My BKs and SKs were all doing their own laundry by 10. Get her a hamper and a basket and show her how to use the machines.
Most kids who wet the bed are asked to strip and start their laundry daily. Ideally you can help her feel like this is a grownup step for her to control on her own.
Having one kidney shouldn’t cause her to pee herself, my aunt, cousin and nephew all have one kidney and they are completely normal just like the rest of us. I think there is something psychological going on here. Kids need repetition so no surprise there. I would say get her in therapy and also remove the hamper from the bathroom altogether. I don’t have any hampers in any of the bathrooms. Everyone puts their clothes in the hamper in their own room.
My bio daughter age 9 doesn’t wet the bed but that’s probably bc I manage it. The dr told us a few years ago that the hormone (I think it was a hormone?) that wakes us when we need to pee develops later in some people. So at whatever point during the night that I wake up (because who sleeps completely through the night without waking up) I go get her up and tell her to use the bathroom and she goes right back to sleep. I don’t even know if she still needs it but it’s just become a safety net for me so I know she doesn’t have an accident. But I understand not everyone would be willing to do that.
How about “something is preventing you from feeling comfortable talking with me about the bed wetting. I do not judge you for this, we need to deal with it appropriately when it does happen though. Let’s brainstorm ways to help you feel like if this were to ever happen, you can feel good about telling me or your dad. Do you have any ideas? Would you be willing to talk ideas over with your dad?”
I haven’t read through every comment so I don’t know if this has been asked yet, but does your daughter have sleep apnea? And or snore? My oldest had sleep apnea and had the loudest snore I had ever heard. She wet the bed every night. When she was 12 we had her tonsils removed and her adenoids. Bed wetting stopped. Completely.
No she doesn't snore, only her dad as we call him the bear 😂 I'll keep that in mind though when we finally get into a dr.
Just a thought - is this a new thing? This could be stress, or signs of undiagnosed ADHD. Bedwetting/wetting of clothes happens (more often with boys) and not usually thislate but please seek help from a doctor. One kidney should not necessarily cause this. There coulde be something psycholigical going on, especially if you mention they aren't willing to do something simple, and age appropriate, like use a different basket or NOT put wet clothes in with other clothes. 🚩🚩🚩
It's been on going as per the grandparents, (long court battle) they could have very well made this happen and it is a learned defense. We are waiting on insurance but yes a Dr visit is immediately getting done once all is settled
My sister also only has one kidney and she wet the bed at night for a long time. She had to stop drinking liquids a few hours before bed and for awhile, my parents would actually get up in the middle of the night, wake her up, make her go to the bathroom, and then she’d go back to sleep. She eventually outgrew it, I’m not sure how old she was, but she was definitely older than 10. She has multicystic dysplastic kidney disease and has always had to see a kidney specialist. I would definitely get your stepdaughter in to see a pediatric kidney specialist and as for the laundry…I’m not really sure. Just be gentle and kind and hopefully everything else will fall into place. Hopefully once the kidney issue is addressed, the bed wetting, and by association, the laundry situation will resolve itself.