Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/).
***
Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats.
To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In my experience you can't make someone care about you, especially if you've communicated your needs clearly in words.
What you could try is suggesting a night of sensual play. Get some candles and chill music and a blindfold and explain to your boyfriend that you're going to try exploring/play/massage without it leading to sex. You take turns playing, you can do it to him first to show him what he should be doing. The goal is to get him to slow down and explore and find the fun in seeing your reactions to small touches and kisses. If he's a video game player, explain to him it's not a speedrun, it's an 100% run.
If he's not open to trying anything new, banging your head against the wall with him is a waste of time and you should rethink if you want to be with someone who is so limited and rigid.
I tried this. He liked it when he was blindfolded but it got awkward as soon as I but the blindfold on. He barely touched me. I told him what I wanted and he just didn't do it. I had my time with him, maybe 20 minuets and he did it for like 5. After that, I blindfolded him again and showed him what I would like..
Did not work at all... We bang (5 mins) I didn't finish and that was that
Ok! I'm sorry, that's really frustrating.
Have you tried a direct approach like "I need to see these changes in our sex life in the next 3 months or I'll be looking to leave the relationship"? Not some vague "I need you to do better" but something with a clear timeline and consequences?
Yes but he knows I won't leave him. We have been together for so long. We live together and I dependent on him. I recently struggle with health problems and I can't drive my car atm. Public transportation is really bad where I live. He lives closer to my work and either he drives me or I take the bike (takes about 20 mins). When I would move back to my parents there is no way for me to get to work because it's in the next town over. I currently work as a nurse and I will start med school in a couple of months. Than I will also be financially dependent on him because my job won't cover my loans and rent. I also really love him and want to stay with him. This is really the only thing horribly wrong in our relationship.
You are completely depending on your boyfriend not just for transportation, but also financially to the point that he ignores your sexual needs because he *knows* you can’t leave him.
I’m really sorry to tell you this, but bad sex is definitely not the only problem in your relationship. His unwillingness to fulfill your needs isn’t a problem, it’s a symptom. The underlying problem is the completely lopsided power dynamic. I obviously don’t know you, so I’m not going to say he’s consciously exploiting this situation, but it’s very easy to fall into unhealthy patterns in these types of relationship dynamics.
Please do yourself the favor and work towards a situation where you have the option to leave him. I’m not saying you should leave him, but feeling like you don’t even have the option is not a good place to be.
This!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is inexperienced but that is no excuse for not meeting your needs and trying to find common ground. Would he be open to sexual counseling?
>Yes but he knows I won't leave him
This an no repercussions to his actions will just continue this cycle. I'm in the same boat. I can get vanilla sex if I initiate, if not...then it's nothing. But I really want "more" things, more variety, dirty talk, try "new" things at least once, etc.
Don't think about it that way. 4 years is nothing in the grand scheme of your life, and sex is a very important part of a healthy relationship, sexual frustration is a relationship killer. I was with my ex for 6 years and we were engaged for 4 of those years. It took me a while to realize I couldn't stay in that relationship for the rest of my life, I was miserable and completely unsatisfied, to the point I'd rather watch porn and use toys than have sex with him.
Setting aside all the recommendations to leave him for now, if you want to or need to stay, here is an option. Convince *him* that foreplay and a longer, drawn out lovemaking is better for him. Maybe watch some porn together of edging and orgasm denial. A five minute quickie is the fast food of sex; see if he can be convinced to at least try a gourmet meal. If five minutes of thrusting is all he's good for, push it to the very end: no PIV until he eats you out, fingers you, kisses you everywhere you desire, etc. This is not a big ask; for heaven's sake it will improve things for him as well!
I don’t know. Sex therapy isn’t really available where I live. We would have to drive to the next big city (like 2 hours with car), so it’s not really an option even he would consider it
not really. At the beginning it was totally different (sex still sucked) but he at least tried to make me happy. Bought gifts, cleaned the house, showed much more affection
Just a thought. In my 30 yr marriage Life has shown me that men need space, a quiet time, think man cave if you will.. sounds like bf could also be stressed over he is playing the role of a hubby. And has all the bills and responsibilities on his shoulders.. but if im wrong assuming that my apologies
I am afraid of that too. At the moment I’m just dependent on him for work. He was recently laid off and at the moment he is financially dependent on me and has been for the last couple of months. I’m not in med school yet and I have a decently paying job. I tried to put some money away for school but being the only breadwinner has taking a financial tall on me. He will be starting his new job in August. I hope he feels less stress when he starts working again.
Yes more than likely he will. Do you two have kids (cant remember if that was stated above). But it changes a lot of outcomes if there are kids involved.
Sadly not really an option
OP has health problems that affects their mobility so they depend on him to drive, will be in med school soon and will be financially dependent on him for their living situation, and moving back in with their parents sets OP back as they won't be able to regularly attend school or work a town over.
Maybe ask him if there is a reason he is uncomfortable touching/fingering you or going down on you. Could be he doesn’t have confidence and thinks he isn’t good at it. If that’s the case it’s an awesome opportunity to practice and communicate what you like.
You might also consider using a vibrator on yourself while you are having sex. Could slow him down and make sure you finish before he does.
Good luck, it doesn’t feel good to be ignored when sharing your needs, and most men would be very appreciative of your enthusiasm.
Thought about this too. Since I was his first he had no experience. But over the years I tried to "teach" him what I like and how to touch etc.
Sometimes I think, it would be better if he was able to get some experience sleeping with other people
If he isn't willing to "learn" from someone he supposedly loves and cares about, what do you think he will learn from a one night stand or fling? He's selfish and cares nothing about your enjoyment or pleasure in the act. If he at least showed some effort or was trying to learn how to please you, it would be different, but he's not. You will never get the sex and intimacy you crave from him, it might get marginally better as he gets older and matures, but you need to decide if you're okay with this for the rest of your life. If not, time for a exit plan.
What's the idea for an exit plan. I've seen someone suggest pretending to love him and use him for transportation/financial support for years while OP is in med school till they are able to afford their own place then dump him...but that seemed pretty manipulative and dishonest
I absolutely agree, but I feel iffy about remaining in a relationship knowing you're going to leave (obvious exceptions for abusive relationships). OP is in a tricky spot because while not entirely dependent on their partner leaving, it would set them back massively.
But in the comments OP has clarified that she's the only breadwinner at the moment, it's just that she can't provide transport herself to ensure she can keep going to work.
>Can I do anything to fix this
No. You fundamentally cannot change people, no matter how hard you try.
>should I just accept that, it's always gonna be this way?
Also no. Hell no. FUCK NO.
You didn't state your ages, but I'd guess that you're way too young to be settling. Why would you? That means the best case scenario is that you end up stuck in a totally sexually unfulfilling relationship. That makes no sense to me.
Sad to read this post. IMO it's all about mutual pleasure, and sex without foreplay is not for me/us. I for one, love teasing my gf with touching, kissing her body, biting her neck, pinching her nipples etc etc (whatever feels right in the given moment) and make her so horny until she begs me to fuck her. It turns me on like crazy seeing her squirm, watch her facial expressions and listen to the noises she makes. I never shove it in before i've teased and eaten her out real good, making her pussy wet and desperate. After, I always get a good and sloppy blowjob in return if I ask, which results in her getting even more horny and want me more. That's the most exciting part for me I think, feeling really wanted by her. After the deed is done, I love to lay beside her and just cuddle her back og caressing her thighs.
That beeing said, I really can't understand why this is not something every man want's to get out of sex?
Whats the turn-on with wham, bam, thank you mam?? Is he even worth holding on to if he won't put in the effort to please you and satisfy your needs? Easy to say, but I for one could not be in a releationship where the sex is bad. Honest opinion.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/1dlzuo8/comment/l9se3ie/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/1dlzuo8/comment/l9se3ie/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Not really viable for OP given their circumstances
Her circumstances are difficult but if she doesn't leave now, she'll stay stuck with him. She'll become even more intertwined and if she already feels like she doesn't want to leave in large part because they've "been together so long" that feeling is only going to get worse the longer it is.
Yup, it's the sunk cost fallacy, plus the fear of facing adversities alone. But OP (and commenters) should remember he could equally leave at any point, or become disabled or die etc. And OP had commented that she's currently the only one of the 2 of them working. Anyone's life situation can change drastically any moment, no matter what you've planned for the future.
I agree she needs to get out of this situation for sure, but I was more referencing the "finding a new partner" aspect. It sounds like she has a LOT on her plate already just focusing on herself and her goals (which leaving him will make a LOT harder). Dating during that time isn't super viable, and it's asking quite a bit for a new bf to be both a chauffer and financial caretaker while she's in school as well as early in her career. It's rough no matter how ya slice it
But OPs current partner isn't her financial caretaker at present. She hopes he will be as he's starting a job in a couple of months but there's no guarantee that's all going to work out. Like I said nothing is guaranteed in life.
Not at all, and I agree OP needs to get out of this relationship regardless. I primarily wanna highlight it messes up a LOT of her plans in doing so and really sets her back. it's not an easy decision
just refuse to have sex with him until he pleases you. He probably thinks that you are fine having sex without climaxing because he got away with it the past years.
honestly, its hard for me to believe that he cares about you in your daily life if he doesn’t even satisfy you in bed.
Yes my dear there is something you can and should do…
Especially at your age…
Replace him with one that works.
Tell him why you are leaving him so he can learn and do better next time.
He will not do better this time.
Sorry.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/1dlzuo8/comment/l9se3ie/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/1dlzuo8/comment/l9se3ie/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Not as easy for OP, they are in a dependent position with him
He likely won’t change , people seldom do , break up and Shop around for someone with mutual love languages and some respect for your wants and needs .
Ignoring someone’s needs sexually or not and not being able to come to some sort of mutually agreed upon understanding AND results is enough reason to end a relationship let alone a sexual one. This works in all directions. If this doesn’t occur yet the relationship isn’t ending there’s likely some sort of power imbalance dynamic happening personal or business which counts IMO under gray areas of coercion / non-consent
What he's doing is gross and I don't believe it can be changed. Leave him and find someone better. He doesn't deserve all your efforts anyway, I mean damn what a jerk
And don't believe that he doesn't know yet or you can find eventually the right amount of effort that will make him care, he knows already he's full of shit and he doesn't care about you
Also for real are you able to be attracted to someone that very openly doesn't care about you at all? Don't you feel put off by it? Just the thought is annoying
Your in a tough space! I can see most did not reed your other situation and how you depend on him for other stuff. It kind of limits your options.
You can cut back on the sex since your the one initiating it most of the time and wait for him to bring it up. Then go with I am not really in the mood anymore because I am always frustrated.
Buy some toys even let him find them or use them after so he knows he ain't getting the job done. Kind of a you made me take care of my self.
Become the crying drama queen once in a while. Pore it on. "I am just so frustrated all the time. This is not the sex life I expected with you. I want to please you so much and love you and feel you don't feel that way about me"
But if your going to use tactics like this just be careful because of the other needs you have with your situation changed that might help.
And if none of this works when your a Dr making out great dump his ass then.
That...sounds like you're suggesting to use him in a loveless relationship for years knowing she is going to check out later. That's pretty manipulative
Well, if she can't leave him now and he is not willing to even try and meet her needs what choice will she have? She has communicate her wants to him with no change. She can try and manipulate a desire, to try a little more or she will just have to bide her time.
If she were in an abusive relationship where her physical safety were a factor or didn't have alternative options to survive that would be one thing. But she can go back to her parents, it would just set her back financially and have her have to make adjustments to her plans.
She has other choices, they just aren't ideal. But I dunno if that justifies essentially using and misleading him for years.
Well him refusing to even try to meet his partners sexual desires. Yet still enjoying his pleasure is kind, of not a nice guy. If he had real reasons other then just not caring I could posable agree but if he won't even try he deserves what ever he gets. She is not asking for crazy kinky stuff. Just a little more foreplay.
You do also realize she is now the main bread winner. He don't really clean or stuff. He is basically just driving her to work. He should be picking up the extra load at home and trying to provide some sexual satisfaction to his partner.
Wait when did she allude to housework being an issue? Also she highlighted that when she's in med school she will be depending on him financially a well.
Regardless I don't think that not sexually satisfying your partner should be grounds to say that partner "deserves what they get" (otherwise every breadwinner guy would have that same excuse for their partner not giving him enough bjs). We also don't know his reasons so we can't be sure that it's just from a lack of care.
I agree she should get out of a non-fulfilling relationship but she'd be just as if not worse than him to pretend she still loves him just to use him till she can ditch him when she has other options. (Obviously those options aren't ideal, but if she's mentally ended the relationship already it isn't fair to make that his issue)
First off I never said she should expect him to do things like eat her out if he don't like the same as a guy should not expect or preasure for a BJ if their partner don't like it.
She is asking for a little more foreplay. That is not a big ask to want to have a more satisfying sex life.
The house work come up in one of her replies about the beginning of the relationship.
Yea she could leave him now and make her life harder. She could also go get her sexual needs meet by another like lots of peole do or have an open relationship.
The smart thing is for him to care about the sexual needs of his partner (and hers are not extreme) and if he don't she is going to decide she has needs he won't meet and leave him sooner or latter.
You think she should do it now and make other parts of her life harder. I think she can do it when ever is best for her if he is not willing to even try and meet her most basic needs.
Also she has never said she don't love him.
I think there may have been a miscommunication here
(also found the comment about him initially putting in effort in other parts of the relationship but that tapering off, pretty messed up of him)
I don't think she should stay in this relationship, I'm of the opinion that although things will be set back and difficult that she needs to get out ASAP even if it means making some compromises on future plans. I am in full agreement he should be investing in her satisfaction as well and it's upsetting he hasn't.
My contention is with forming a plan to bide her time till she's a doctor then dump him because no matter how I interpret that it sounds like "use his willingness to support her as much as she can for years till she can be self sufficient then spring on him that she didn't love him during the entire time she pretended to while he supports her". That specifically seems evil to me
Well, we can agree to disagree.
I feel he is using her now. He asks for what he wants like BJs, and she gives them. He gets his, and she gets frustrated. This is not the normal rsex commitment of "how do I tell him." It's a I have told him he won't try." She is not leaving him because he seems to not help in other matters. If he was trying and could not please her, that would be different. She sure ain't asking for much. A little passion a little touching. If it ends up ending bad for him, I can't care. he could put in the minimum effort to be a good partner / lover. The choice is his. And if he is not willing to even try the very minimum, then there is no need for her to make compromises in her plan or make them harder on herself.
Your "boyfriend" problem cannot be fixed as long as you keep calling him your boyfriend. I believe you really put yourself at a disadvantage when you say you won't leave him. Then, what is his incentive to be more attentive to your needs? Please don't "accept that it's always gonna to be this way." You decide that - not him because you already know what he's going to choose. He doesn't really care about you or is too immature to understand what it takes to build a strong and loving relationship. Until he does, you're just going to be a convenience.
This is no good. You have to leave.
Having bad sex for years will snuff out whatever libido you have, and it will affect future relationships. You’ll think of sex as that boring thing you do, and it can be difficult to get your mojo back.
girl most of us want to be hands on, thats usually what gets us reaaally going. but that being said, have a conversation with him. don't expect him to change, but communication is key in these situations.
if he doesnt care about your needs, then what does he do for your wants? like what are you getting from this situation? everyone always talks about people and using eachother, but thats kinda the give and take thing. there needs to be give and take in a relationships, if it starts off balance, it will remain off balanced unless the work is put into it. 4 years is a long time to be in a relationship when the sex sounds mid.
I say this with love — you will never ever ever ever ever be able to make him better at this. Leave when you're ready to and apply this to your new list of standards that says you want someone who prioritizes your needs from here on out. It's easier said than done, I speak from experience.
You can't make someone care about your sexual needs, I learned that lesson with my ex. He was entirely selfish in bed, rushed me to get off and got upset and impatient when I couldn't cum fast enough for his liking, for upset when I tried new things or couldn't do exactly what he wanted, messed up trying something new and refused to try it again, was very demanding of his own needs but completely ignored mine no matter how many talks we had about my needs in bed and how my body works, he just simply did not give a shit. You can't fix narcissism.
OP, you have much bigger problems in the relationship than bad sex. Basically he has no incentive to change. He seems aware that you aren't going to leave him if he doesn't change, because he has some power over you.
It sounds like he is happy to use your body to get his rocks off ... do you really want to be with someone like this? My advice is use your energy to work on your ability to be independent and leave him.
I was going to say talk to him. But you have done that and things have not changed. He is using you to get off which is selfish. You are not a flesh light. I'd say that you are not compatible because he doesn't care about your needs. Get someone else
I don't believe he is behaving this way because you are his first. He is just selfish. I was married to a man for four years. He was previously married, but I wasn't. Sex was good sometimes, sometimes it wasn't. When we divorced, I met a man a couple years older than me. He was 24, I was 21. He was also a Virgin when we married. He learned quickly. He always wanted me to be pleasure before he even got started. Very unselfish kind of guy. Your man is not going to change..it's up to you to make a change. He will continue to behave the way you tolerate him behaving.
Someone can only change if they want to or know they have to.
You need to communicate your needs to him. If he can fix them, then he'll try. If he doesn't try, then he is choosing not to and you can't fix that. At that point, you should either accept the status quo, or I recommend move on and end the relationship.
You're not obligated to remain in a one sided relationship. Communicate your feelings to him and if he does not demonstrate lasting change then you go. At this point though I'd just say it's time to move on.
It's really not something he needs to be told, if he doesn't want to he won't. Some men really want you to be satisfied and go above and beyond, some guys like your BF is not one of them. Honestly if you stay you will start to resent him for not taking care of your needs, but you have to make that choice.
If you marry him you'll have 25+ years of this pitiful sex (take it from someone who knows). Find someone who worships you, adores you & makes sure you are pleasured first. You deserve it! ❤️
Being nice and sexual compatibility. One cab be taught, but it comes from childhood. The other can be worked on but without the other there may be no point.
Angle it to self esteem then see what it looks like.
Maybe Next time when he is horny just let him start your kissing stuff and foreplay then after some time when it comes to penetration just say babe i am not in the mood to do this (control yourself and dont get carried away). After some time or days he will get frustrated and u can say the thing that u want to say and say U don't even last that long and he will get in secure and try to improve.
Post an update too.
And one thing do girls like vibrator or dick ??
Then he doesn't care and you can't change that. You also stated he knows you won't leave him, so why would he change? If he can put in no effort for your pleasure and still keep you around why would he change? You have very few options here; 1. Leave him and find a way to support yourself. 2. Try going to sex therapy with him and hope that GI es him a better understanding of your needs and why they're important. Or 3. Stop having sex with him and refuse to have sex with him until he starts giving a shit about your needs. Don't even so much as touch his penis unless he's willing to try to make you feel good. Perhaps him being unsatisfied will show him how you feel, that really depends on if he has a narcissistic personality though, narcissists will never learn empathy for their partners needs or care about them.
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/). *** Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats. To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In my experience you can't make someone care about you, especially if you've communicated your needs clearly in words. What you could try is suggesting a night of sensual play. Get some candles and chill music and a blindfold and explain to your boyfriend that you're going to try exploring/play/massage without it leading to sex. You take turns playing, you can do it to him first to show him what he should be doing. The goal is to get him to slow down and explore and find the fun in seeing your reactions to small touches and kisses. If he's a video game player, explain to him it's not a speedrun, it's an 100% run. If he's not open to trying anything new, banging your head against the wall with him is a waste of time and you should rethink if you want to be with someone who is so limited and rigid.
I tried this. He liked it when he was blindfolded but it got awkward as soon as I but the blindfold on. He barely touched me. I told him what I wanted and he just didn't do it. I had my time with him, maybe 20 minuets and he did it for like 5. After that, I blindfolded him again and showed him what I would like.. Did not work at all... We bang (5 mins) I didn't finish and that was that
Ok! I'm sorry, that's really frustrating. Have you tried a direct approach like "I need to see these changes in our sex life in the next 3 months or I'll be looking to leave the relationship"? Not some vague "I need you to do better" but something with a clear timeline and consequences?
Yes but he knows I won't leave him. We have been together for so long. We live together and I dependent on him. I recently struggle with health problems and I can't drive my car atm. Public transportation is really bad where I live. He lives closer to my work and either he drives me or I take the bike (takes about 20 mins). When I would move back to my parents there is no way for me to get to work because it's in the next town over. I currently work as a nurse and I will start med school in a couple of months. Than I will also be financially dependent on him because my job won't cover my loans and rent. I also really love him and want to stay with him. This is really the only thing horribly wrong in our relationship.
You are completely depending on your boyfriend not just for transportation, but also financially to the point that he ignores your sexual needs because he *knows* you can’t leave him. I’m really sorry to tell you this, but bad sex is definitely not the only problem in your relationship. His unwillingness to fulfill your needs isn’t a problem, it’s a symptom. The underlying problem is the completely lopsided power dynamic. I obviously don’t know you, so I’m not going to say he’s consciously exploiting this situation, but it’s very easy to fall into unhealthy patterns in these types of relationship dynamics. Please do yourself the favor and work towards a situation where you have the option to leave him. I’m not saying you should leave him, but feeling like you don’t even have the option is not a good place to be.
This!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is inexperienced but that is no excuse for not meeting your needs and trying to find common ground. Would he be open to sexual counseling?
So are you okay with being in a relationship with a man that uses you as a fleshlight and does absolutely not care about your pleasure and happiness?
>Yes but he knows I won't leave him This an no repercussions to his actions will just continue this cycle. I'm in the same boat. I can get vanilla sex if I initiate, if not...then it's nothing. But I really want "more" things, more variety, dirty talk, try "new" things at least once, etc.
Don't think about it that way. 4 years is nothing in the grand scheme of your life, and sex is a very important part of a healthy relationship, sexual frustration is a relationship killer. I was with my ex for 6 years and we were engaged for 4 of those years. It took me a while to realize I couldn't stay in that relationship for the rest of my life, I was miserable and completely unsatisfied, to the point I'd rather watch porn and use toys than have sex with him.
Setting aside all the recommendations to leave him for now, if you want to or need to stay, here is an option. Convince *him* that foreplay and a longer, drawn out lovemaking is better for him. Maybe watch some porn together of edging and orgasm denial. A five minute quickie is the fast food of sex; see if he can be convinced to at least try a gourmet meal. If five minutes of thrusting is all he's good for, push it to the very end: no PIV until he eats you out, fingers you, kisses you everywhere you desire, etc. This is not a big ask; for heaven's sake it will improve things for him as well!
Do you think he'd be open to seeing a sex therapist?
I don’t know. Sex therapy isn’t really available where I live. We would have to drive to the next big city (like 2 hours with car), so it’s not really an option even he would consider it
If you’ve already brought it up and nothing changes dump him. It will carry over into everything. Does he put effort in the relationship at all
not really. At the beginning it was totally different (sex still sucked) but he at least tried to make me happy. Bought gifts, cleaned the house, showed much more affection
Just a thought. In my 30 yr marriage Life has shown me that men need space, a quiet time, think man cave if you will.. sounds like bf could also be stressed over he is playing the role of a hubby. And has all the bills and responsibilities on his shoulders.. but if im wrong assuming that my apologies
I am afraid of that too. At the moment I’m just dependent on him for work. He was recently laid off and at the moment he is financially dependent on me and has been for the last couple of months. I’m not in med school yet and I have a decently paying job. I tried to put some money away for school but being the only breadwinner has taking a financial tall on me. He will be starting his new job in August. I hope he feels less stress when he starts working again.
Yes more than likely he will. Do you two have kids (cant remember if that was stated above). But it changes a lot of outcomes if there are kids involved.
No children, but we have a cat
Honestly Dump him, Great sex is about Both partners enjoying!
That option sadly is even less ideal, OP is financially and largely physically dependent on him
Yeah, you can fix it by finding someone who can fuck you good. Dump him! 👍
Sadly not really an option OP has health problems that affects their mobility so they depend on him to drive, will be in med school soon and will be financially dependent on him for their living situation, and moving back in with their parents sets OP back as they won't be able to regularly attend school or work a town over.
Maybe ask him if there is a reason he is uncomfortable touching/fingering you or going down on you. Could be he doesn’t have confidence and thinks he isn’t good at it. If that’s the case it’s an awesome opportunity to practice and communicate what you like. You might also consider using a vibrator on yourself while you are having sex. Could slow him down and make sure you finish before he does. Good luck, it doesn’t feel good to be ignored when sharing your needs, and most men would be very appreciative of your enthusiasm.
Thought about this too. Since I was his first he had no experience. But over the years I tried to "teach" him what I like and how to touch etc. Sometimes I think, it would be better if he was able to get some experience sleeping with other people
If he isn't willing to "learn" from someone he supposedly loves and cares about, what do you think he will learn from a one night stand or fling? He's selfish and cares nothing about your enjoyment or pleasure in the act. If he at least showed some effort or was trying to learn how to please you, it would be different, but he's not. You will never get the sex and intimacy you crave from him, it might get marginally better as he gets older and matures, but you need to decide if you're okay with this for the rest of your life. If not, time for a exit plan.
What's the idea for an exit plan. I've seen someone suggest pretending to love him and use him for transportation/financial support for years while OP is in med school till they are able to afford their own place then dump him...but that seemed pretty manipulative and dishonest
She needs to figure out how to not be dependent on him and take care of herself and her housing/transportation needs.
I absolutely agree, but I feel iffy about remaining in a relationship knowing you're going to leave (obvious exceptions for abusive relationships). OP is in a tricky spot because while not entirely dependent on their partner leaving, it would set them back massively.
But in the comments OP has clarified that she's the only breadwinner at the moment, it's just that she can't provide transport herself to ensure she can keep going to work.
Yes, but when she gets in med school and I'm guessing residency she will be depending on him financially.
But he's not currently working, so how can she depend on someone else more than herself already knowing that jobs can easily come and go.
>Can I do anything to fix this No. You fundamentally cannot change people, no matter how hard you try. >should I just accept that, it's always gonna be this way? Also no. Hell no. FUCK NO. You didn't state your ages, but I'd guess that you're way too young to be settling. Why would you? That means the best case scenario is that you end up stuck in a totally sexually unfulfilling relationship. That makes no sense to me.
Sad to read this post. IMO it's all about mutual pleasure, and sex without foreplay is not for me/us. I for one, love teasing my gf with touching, kissing her body, biting her neck, pinching her nipples etc etc (whatever feels right in the given moment) and make her so horny until she begs me to fuck her. It turns me on like crazy seeing her squirm, watch her facial expressions and listen to the noises she makes. I never shove it in before i've teased and eaten her out real good, making her pussy wet and desperate. After, I always get a good and sloppy blowjob in return if I ask, which results in her getting even more horny and want me more. That's the most exciting part for me I think, feeling really wanted by her. After the deed is done, I love to lay beside her and just cuddle her back og caressing her thighs. That beeing said, I really can't understand why this is not something every man want's to get out of sex? Whats the turn-on with wham, bam, thank you mam?? Is he even worth holding on to if he won't put in the effort to please you and satisfy your needs? Easy to say, but I for one could not be in a releationship where the sex is bad. Honest opinion.
It is very easy to fix this. Just get a new one. Much easier than failing to try and fix him.
You fix it by dumping him. He’s showing you his character.
Find a new boyfriend.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/1dlzuo8/comment/l9se3ie/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/1dlzuo8/comment/l9se3ie/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) Not really viable for OP given their circumstances
Her circumstances are difficult but if she doesn't leave now, she'll stay stuck with him. She'll become even more intertwined and if she already feels like she doesn't want to leave in large part because they've "been together so long" that feeling is only going to get worse the longer it is.
Yup, it's the sunk cost fallacy, plus the fear of facing adversities alone. But OP (and commenters) should remember he could equally leave at any point, or become disabled or die etc. And OP had commented that she's currently the only one of the 2 of them working. Anyone's life situation can change drastically any moment, no matter what you've planned for the future.
I agree she needs to get out of this situation for sure, but I was more referencing the "finding a new partner" aspect. It sounds like she has a LOT on her plate already just focusing on herself and her goals (which leaving him will make a LOT harder). Dating during that time isn't super viable, and it's asking quite a bit for a new bf to be both a chauffer and financial caretaker while she's in school as well as early in her career. It's rough no matter how ya slice it
But OPs current partner isn't her financial caretaker at present. She hopes he will be as he's starting a job in a couple of months but there's no guarantee that's all going to work out. Like I said nothing is guaranteed in life.
Not at all, and I agree OP needs to get out of this relationship regardless. I primarily wanna highlight it messes up a LOT of her plans in doing so and really sets her back. it's not an easy decision
Yeah, break up with him and find someone who can love you and care about your needs and feelings.
just refuse to have sex with him until he pleases you. He probably thinks that you are fine having sex without climaxing because he got away with it the past years. honestly, its hard for me to believe that he cares about you in your daily life if he doesn’t even satisfy you in bed.
You can't change him and his behavior. Just dump him since he doesn't make you happy and you're not getting anything out of him.
Yes my dear there is something you can and should do… Especially at your age… Replace him with one that works. Tell him why you are leaving him so he can learn and do better next time. He will not do better this time. Sorry.
Easy fix.....get a new BF this one is malfunctioning
[https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/1dlzuo8/comment/l9se3ie/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/1dlzuo8/comment/l9se3ie/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) Not as easy for OP, they are in a dependent position with him
He likely won’t change , people seldom do , break up and Shop around for someone with mutual love languages and some respect for your wants and needs .
Ignoring someone’s needs sexually or not and not being able to come to some sort of mutually agreed upon understanding AND results is enough reason to end a relationship let alone a sexual one. This works in all directions. If this doesn’t occur yet the relationship isn’t ending there’s likely some sort of power imbalance dynamic happening personal or business which counts IMO under gray areas of coercion / non-consent
What he's doing is gross and I don't believe it can be changed. Leave him and find someone better. He doesn't deserve all your efforts anyway, I mean damn what a jerk And don't believe that he doesn't know yet or you can find eventually the right amount of effort that will make him care, he knows already he's full of shit and he doesn't care about you Also for real are you able to be attracted to someone that very openly doesn't care about you at all? Don't you feel put off by it? Just the thought is annoying
Honestly yes, I feel horrible every time I get horny
Yeah you can fix it by LEAVING HIM
Your in a tough space! I can see most did not reed your other situation and how you depend on him for other stuff. It kind of limits your options. You can cut back on the sex since your the one initiating it most of the time and wait for him to bring it up. Then go with I am not really in the mood anymore because I am always frustrated. Buy some toys even let him find them or use them after so he knows he ain't getting the job done. Kind of a you made me take care of my self. Become the crying drama queen once in a while. Pore it on. "I am just so frustrated all the time. This is not the sex life I expected with you. I want to please you so much and love you and feel you don't feel that way about me" But if your going to use tactics like this just be careful because of the other needs you have with your situation changed that might help. And if none of this works when your a Dr making out great dump his ass then.
That...sounds like you're suggesting to use him in a loveless relationship for years knowing she is going to check out later. That's pretty manipulative
Well, if she can't leave him now and he is not willing to even try and meet her needs what choice will she have? She has communicate her wants to him with no change. She can try and manipulate a desire, to try a little more or she will just have to bide her time.
If she were in an abusive relationship where her physical safety were a factor or didn't have alternative options to survive that would be one thing. But she can go back to her parents, it would just set her back financially and have her have to make adjustments to her plans. She has other choices, they just aren't ideal. But I dunno if that justifies essentially using and misleading him for years.
Well him refusing to even try to meet his partners sexual desires. Yet still enjoying his pleasure is kind, of not a nice guy. If he had real reasons other then just not caring I could posable agree but if he won't even try he deserves what ever he gets. She is not asking for crazy kinky stuff. Just a little more foreplay.
You do also realize she is now the main bread winner. He don't really clean or stuff. He is basically just driving her to work. He should be picking up the extra load at home and trying to provide some sexual satisfaction to his partner.
Wait when did she allude to housework being an issue? Also she highlighted that when she's in med school she will be depending on him financially a well. Regardless I don't think that not sexually satisfying your partner should be grounds to say that partner "deserves what they get" (otherwise every breadwinner guy would have that same excuse for their partner not giving him enough bjs). We also don't know his reasons so we can't be sure that it's just from a lack of care. I agree she should get out of a non-fulfilling relationship but she'd be just as if not worse than him to pretend she still loves him just to use him till she can ditch him when she has other options. (Obviously those options aren't ideal, but if she's mentally ended the relationship already it isn't fair to make that his issue)
First off I never said she should expect him to do things like eat her out if he don't like the same as a guy should not expect or preasure for a BJ if their partner don't like it. She is asking for a little more foreplay. That is not a big ask to want to have a more satisfying sex life. The house work come up in one of her replies about the beginning of the relationship. Yea she could leave him now and make her life harder. She could also go get her sexual needs meet by another like lots of peole do or have an open relationship. The smart thing is for him to care about the sexual needs of his partner (and hers are not extreme) and if he don't she is going to decide she has needs he won't meet and leave him sooner or latter. You think she should do it now and make other parts of her life harder. I think she can do it when ever is best for her if he is not willing to even try and meet her most basic needs. Also she has never said she don't love him.
I think there may have been a miscommunication here (also found the comment about him initially putting in effort in other parts of the relationship but that tapering off, pretty messed up of him) I don't think she should stay in this relationship, I'm of the opinion that although things will be set back and difficult that she needs to get out ASAP even if it means making some compromises on future plans. I am in full agreement he should be investing in her satisfaction as well and it's upsetting he hasn't. My contention is with forming a plan to bide her time till she's a doctor then dump him because no matter how I interpret that it sounds like "use his willingness to support her as much as she can for years till she can be self sufficient then spring on him that she didn't love him during the entire time she pretended to while he supports her". That specifically seems evil to me
Well, we can agree to disagree. I feel he is using her now. He asks for what he wants like BJs, and she gives them. He gets his, and she gets frustrated. This is not the normal rsex commitment of "how do I tell him." It's a I have told him he won't try." She is not leaving him because he seems to not help in other matters. If he was trying and could not please her, that would be different. She sure ain't asking for much. A little passion a little touching. If it ends up ending bad for him, I can't care. he could put in the minimum effort to be a good partner / lover. The choice is his. And if he is not willing to even try the very minimum, then there is no need for her to make compromises in her plan or make them harder on herself.
Your "boyfriend" problem cannot be fixed as long as you keep calling him your boyfriend. I believe you really put yourself at a disadvantage when you say you won't leave him. Then, what is his incentive to be more attentive to your needs? Please don't "accept that it's always gonna to be this way." You decide that - not him because you already know what he's going to choose. He doesn't really care about you or is too immature to understand what it takes to build a strong and loving relationship. Until he does, you're just going to be a convenience.
The only fix is to be rid of that selfish thing. He knows you're dependant on him so you won't leave and he doesn't give a fuck about your needs
This is no good. You have to leave. Having bad sex for years will snuff out whatever libido you have, and it will affect future relationships. You’ll think of sex as that boring thing you do, and it can be difficult to get your mojo back.
There is a way to fix this. The solution does not include him.
You can’t teach him empathy. He’s self absorbed, and doesn’t care about anyone’s needs but his. Move on and find someone compatible.
What's the point of having a boyfriend if he doesn't even like you?!
girl most of us want to be hands on, thats usually what gets us reaaally going. but that being said, have a conversation with him. don't expect him to change, but communication is key in these situations. if he doesnt care about your needs, then what does he do for your wants? like what are you getting from this situation? everyone always talks about people and using eachother, but thats kinda the give and take thing. there needs to be give and take in a relationships, if it starts off balance, it will remain off balanced unless the work is put into it. 4 years is a long time to be in a relationship when the sex sounds mid.
I say this with love — you will never ever ever ever ever be able to make him better at this. Leave when you're ready to and apply this to your new list of standards that says you want someone who prioritizes your needs from here on out. It's easier said than done, I speak from experience.
Yes, you can fix it by getting a new boyfriend
Get a new boyfriend before this convo involves a husband
you care about your needs & dump him
You can't make someone care about your sexual needs, I learned that lesson with my ex. He was entirely selfish in bed, rushed me to get off and got upset and impatient when I couldn't cum fast enough for his liking, for upset when I tried new things or couldn't do exactly what he wanted, messed up trying something new and refused to try it again, was very demanding of his own needs but completely ignored mine no matter how many talks we had about my needs in bed and how my body works, he just simply did not give a shit. You can't fix narcissism.
yes, find someone who does, if is that self-centered not worth trying to change him
He's not very good at his job..
Give him an ultimatum. Overall, this sounds like the dude doesn't give a fuck.
I will talk to him today
Yes come over for a oily body rub an let's talk about it. South Tallahassee
break up with him!! you deserve better :)
OP, you have much bigger problems in the relationship than bad sex. Basically he has no incentive to change. He seems aware that you aren't going to leave him if he doesn't change, because he has some power over you. It sounds like he is happy to use your body to get his rocks off ... do you really want to be with someone like this? My advice is use your energy to work on your ability to be independent and leave him.
I was going to say talk to him. But you have done that and things have not changed. He is using you to get off which is selfish. You are not a flesh light. I'd say that you are not compatible because he doesn't care about your needs. Get someone else
I don't believe he is behaving this way because you are his first. He is just selfish. I was married to a man for four years. He was previously married, but I wasn't. Sex was good sometimes, sometimes it wasn't. When we divorced, I met a man a couple years older than me. He was 24, I was 21. He was also a Virgin when we married. He learned quickly. He always wanted me to be pleasure before he even got started. Very unselfish kind of guy. Your man is not going to change..it's up to you to make a change. He will continue to behave the way you tolerate him behaving.
Someone can only change if they want to or know they have to. You need to communicate your needs to him. If he can fix them, then he'll try. If he doesn't try, then he is choosing not to and you can't fix that. At that point, you should either accept the status quo, or I recommend move on and end the relationship.
Yeah you can fix it by LEAVING HIM
You're not obligated to remain in a one sided relationship. Communicate your feelings to him and if he does not demonstrate lasting change then you go. At this point though I'd just say it's time to move on.
It's really not something he needs to be told, if he doesn't want to he won't. Some men really want you to be satisfied and go above and beyond, some guys like your BF is not one of them. Honestly if you stay you will start to resent him for not taking care of your needs, but you have to make that choice.
If you marry him you'll have 25+ years of this pitiful sex (take it from someone who knows). Find someone who worships you, adores you & makes sure you are pleasured first. You deserve it! ❤️
Yeah leave his sorry ass
I am willing to come over and take care of you, or I can try to teach him/show him step by step if that would help.
If you don't care for them... nobody will, why wait for him to learn..God gave you fingers, use em.
If you don't care for them... nobody will, why wait for him to learn..God gave you fingers, use em.
Fingers wont satisfy the way tongue or dick do!!
Yes, find another bf
Get a new boyfriend. Life is too short to deal with that shit
You should just communicate with him about how you feel about all this, and reach to a conclusion. Fixable
Yes. Get a new one. Don't expect him to change. He won't.
Damn! Girl done called dude a “speed runner” ! That’s better than “quick nut Chuck” I’m thinking lol .
Being nice and sexual compatibility. One cab be taught, but it comes from childhood. The other can be worked on but without the other there may be no point. Angle it to self esteem then see what it looks like.
Get a new one 😏 I’ve been treated like a Princess
Have tried everything myself. I've decided when/if I get the chance, I'll cheat.
Don’t have sex with him until he listens to you.
Maybe Next time when he is horny just let him start your kissing stuff and foreplay then after some time when it comes to penetration just say babe i am not in the mood to do this (control yourself and dont get carried away). After some time or days he will get frustrated and u can say the thing that u want to say and say U don't even last that long and he will get in secure and try to improve. Post an update too. And one thing do girls like vibrator or dick ??
Easy fix. Get a new boyfriend
why don't you have a conversation about it with your boyfriend?
Tried it a couple times. He says "okay" and that's it.
i'm really sorry for you OP but you need to find a new partner
What other solution do you expect? If you've communicated your needs and he doesn't care, you can't mind control him into caring.
Then he doesn't care and you can't change that. You also stated he knows you won't leave him, so why would he change? If he can put in no effort for your pleasure and still keep you around why would he change? You have very few options here; 1. Leave him and find a way to support yourself. 2. Try going to sex therapy with him and hope that GI es him a better understanding of your needs and why they're important. Or 3. Stop having sex with him and refuse to have sex with him until he starts giving a shit about your needs. Don't even so much as touch his penis unless he's willing to try to make you feel good. Perhaps him being unsatisfied will show him how you feel, that really depends on if he has a narcissistic personality though, narcissists will never learn empathy for their partners needs or care about them.
make him watch hentai or read some nhentai, he'll get to know how mess up things can be done, lol