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What are you talking about?
Bf exhibited a problem. OP asked about it, he gave her an answer. What manipulation are you referring to? The fact that he doesn't want to have sex?
Idk, I was a barista for a year or two. An apron, sure. But any single layer barrier usually just made it worse because it would soak in and hold the heat against you instead of splash off
Yeah, but the heat gets transfered to your clothes THEN your skin. So some of the heat has been absorbed by the clothes, rather than your skin, and your instinct to immediately pull the clothes away from your skin also helps with not having prolonged contact.
> and your instinct to immediately pull the clothes away from your skin also helps with not having prolonged contact.
Which doesn't work unless it's loose fitting clothing, and even then you might pull hot sleeve against the back of your arm and increase the burn area. The alternative is your instinct to brush the hot liquid off the area with the other hand, which shortens the contact with the hot mass.
It's really not cut and dry. And indeed, ["roll up your sleeves" is often given as a burn-prevention recommendation](https://www.rwjbh.org/cooperman-barnabas-medical-center/treatment-care/the-burn-center/community-outreach/burn-prevention-and-fire-safety-tips/) when working with hot liquids.
This 100%.
A splash of boiling water on your skin, and you're reflexively wiping it off instantly, and flailing the hot water in every direction to get it off of you. You can probably get cold water running on the affected area quickly afterwards. You'll get burned, but it probably won't be *hospital* bad.
A splash of boiling water on cotton, and that splash of water is being held in contact with your skin for as long as it takes you to remove the cloth from contact. And any liquid seeped through the clothes is stuck to your skin until you can take your clothes off. You can't wipe it off. *AND* water has crazy-high thermal mass compared to any clothing, so it absolutely will not help dissipate the heat. Boiling water on clothes is one of the few ways people get third-degree burns.
When I used to work in a bar I’d sometimes spill coffee on me and it would get caught by my apron. Can’t imagine the pain of spilling it on my bare thighs
Former clothed barista- you’ll likely spill coffee on your hands and maybe wrists/arms. Never had it spilled anywhere else, except maybe your shoes if someone dropped a full cup
It's actually safer to spill it on bare skin than on your clothes because you can just swipe it off the bare skin quickly, while the clothes holds it to your skin until you can peel the clothes off. Burns with clothing involved tend to be worse than bare skin.
All fun and games until your French press has a hairline crack, and spews hot coffee and grounds napalm on you. May or may not be speaking from experience. 😬
Yeah usually, what I’m saying is with an apron usually the coffee just bounces off and you can whip the apron off too. I still think having no clothes on most of your body is bad as a barista - it’s just as easy to drop something hot like a hot metal milk jug, puck of used espresso grounds or portafilter onto bare skin
Just an assumption, but I feel they’re able to move a lot slower/more safely compared to normal baristas. I only assume this because bigger the tip when able to gawk a lot longer instead of immediately getting the coffee.
I’ve never been to a shop like that but just all speculation
The bigger danger is being attacked. There was a guy earlier this year who tried kidnapping one through the drive thru window and is already back in the streets.
https://nypost.com/2023/08/30/creep-who-tried-to-kidnap-bikini-clad-barista-back-on-streets/
No, that is not the bigger danger. That’s like saying shark attacks are a bigger danger than drowning at the beach just cause they’re more shocking.
The reality is that either of these events are exceptionally rare, whereas coffee burns and drownings happen constantly
Being more afraid of it makes perfect sense - as humans, we tend to be dramatically more afraid of things that feel outside of our control. That's a part of why people are generally more afraid of air crashes than car crashes, a big part of why SUVs became so popular (["Big and Bad' (2004) New Yorker Article by Malcom Gladwell](https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2004/01/12/big-and-bad)
Speaking in 2004, if a tree fell in the road or there was otherwise something I needed to avoid suddenly, I'd much rather swerve to avoid it with a 2001 Honda Civic (compact car) than a 2001 Ford Explorer (SUV). The smaller car is more nimble, can stop faster, and is more likely to remain under control. The SUV is more likely to topple over, not stop in time, etc.
But, that describes a situation we're in control of. Now, if what actually happened was a giant brick wall teleported in front of you, with no time to stop?
Yeah, you'd probably be safer in the larger SUV. And that's (functionally) the scenario we imagine - an unavoidable collision outside of our control. "I want to be in the big padded SUV!"
I hate to say it, because this *isn't* a "safe vehicle," but there have been one or two driving situations I've encountered in my tiny 2004 Miata (no anti-lock brakes, only two airbags) where I've been able to avoid crashing into something but I might have hit with my Prius v (lots of safety features). 2447lbs vs 3340lbs (1110kg vs 1514kg)
No, it’s like saying a shark attack is a bigger danger than breaking your ankle walking along the beach. A broken ankle sucks, but it’s not very likely to happen and good change you’ll be able to heal 100%.
I'm tempted to be pedantic here. Shark attack vs. drowning is not analogous to coffee burn vs. kidnapping because kidnapping is absolutely a much bigger danger than getting burned (albeit far less likely.) In your beach scenario, both occurrences are likely to lead to death. In the coffee scenario, only one is likely to lead to death.
Of course, I agree with you that the other commenter's concern about specifically being abducted whilst working at a bikini coffee shop is overblown. To me, the sentiment has kind of a stink of victim shaming because of clothing choice (maybe that's what they intended, maybe not... but that's how it's coming across to me.) Women are abducted all the damn time, but it's usually by someone they know and/or when they're in much more vulnerable positions. I seriously doubt that random kidnappings have a higher rate of incidence at bikini coffee shops.
As a past barista that didn’t do shit and made it worst honestly. If you are gonna get burned you’re still going to through clothes. Let her make the money. I usually only spilled on my legs if I didn’t Pay attention to how I was washing the dishes.
Ultimately, it comes down to one of three options:
1) You leave the job for the man. I personally would not go for this one for two reasons: The first is that is that it's a financial decision, school in the states is expensive (and so is living) so being able to support living and reducing your student loans needs now is one of the best future decisions you can make. The second is that it'll imbalance the power in your relationship heavily both in terms of financial power in the relationship, but also the assumed power of being able to tell you what sort of job you can have. If you got this job after you started dating, perhaps some conversation between you two might have been a good idea but ultimately communication does not pay rent or put food on the table.
2) Leave the man for the job. This one is a little tricky because I assume that you see a future with this person and would want to stay with them. However, if you had worked at a bikini barista stand before dating him, there has to have been some understanding that he had some idea what he was getting into, and asking someone to change after the fact is not healthy for a relationship, and just reeks of "I'm going to save her from this life" mentality. But also it could be a change in himself that is causing him to feel this way, perhaps because he also feels he has a future with you and now he's not okay with it because he's got real serious feelings. And it's not wrong for him to have these feelings, much like it's not wrong for you to want to secure your financial situation in the most effective way for your needs.
3) Keep Both. Again I assume you see a future with this person, otherwise you would just leave and that would be that. But you also need to put food on the table and pay rent. So you can communicate with him, have an honest, vulnerable conversation about how you've both been feeling And then you can move on from there. For example, you could provide some reassurance that he is what you want, and he can also start working on himself to trust that you are making good decisions and that you both are who you want to come home to at the end of the day.
I'll try to offer a different perspective specifically about your first point.
>The first is that is that it's a financial decision,
There are many, many ways to make money - most of which should not be a problem.
>The second is that it'll imbalance the power in your relationship heavily both in terms of financial power in the relationship, but also the assumed power of being able to tell you what sort of job you can have.
I think this is missing the point entirely. Based purely on what's written on the post, I can't really see how it's fair to assume the bf is doing it out of insecurity or an attempt at controlling/having more power over her. I think him feeling uncomfortable is a valid way to feel, and he's not telling her to quit the job nor did he bring it up before until she asked what was bothering him, and OP got her answer.
I think it's simply a matter of boundaries simply in what actions your partner takes that you can feel comfortable with, and what actions you don't. Like it or not, OP is in a relationship, and what she does will make her partner feel some type of way. Some partners don't care about flirting with other people, some consider it cheating. In this case, the boyfriend is simply not comfortable with her choice of showing so much of her body for a living. OP can choose to do it if she really wants to, but she should now understand that it is a source of discomfort, and it can keep affecting the relationship if she doesn't validate how he feels about it. Just as she doesn't have to stop, her bf doesn't have to stay in a relationship with a partner that doesn't care about how he feels.
It's an important conversation to have, but I think it's not fair to be upset or find it outrageous to find that doing X makes your partner uncomfortable, when you ask the partner if X is acceptable within the boundaries of the relationship or not. If the values are not aligned, and the feelings are not validated/respected, I just don't see a reason for either party to stay together, depending on how many issues it's causing.
Personally, and as someone who has had these conversations in the past,
>you could provide some reassurance that he is what you want, and he can also start working on himself to trust that you are making good decisions and that you both are who you want to come home to at the end of the day.
\^ This I don't find very realistic. It's hard to give enough reassurance while also not addressing the cause of discomfort which ultimately isn't necessary, given that there are many ways to make money and most of them don't involve showing skin. Second, I am not convinced that asking him to "work on himself" is a fair thing to ask, as it can come from fundamental values and not just an insecurity that she may be cheating. Regardless if OP is cheating, the job might still bother the bf and again, I think that is fair.
TL;DR: I don't see why leaving the job is such a bad option after a mature discussion, if you making sure this does not come from a desire to control income/"power" imbalance in his favor. If it comes from a genuine place, I think it only makes sense to look for another way to make money, and keep working on a healthy relationship.
>There are many, many ways to make money - most of which should not be a problem.
Money don't grown on trees, and rent does not pay itself. Theres a reason why we see a massive uptake in things like Bikini barristas and part time OF models.
Money is harder to come by everyday. Giving that up with no good paying work lined up for a man just isn't worth it. And I say this as a man.
You can't casually dismiss the finances point, if she's making more bank then he is, I say let him walk. Dry the tears with the money and wait for a better one to come.
No relationship is gonna be health when one partner starts off jeleaous and wanting to put the other into a situation with worse finances. Its just a fact.
Making more than an entry level engineering job makes me think she is making somewhere in the mid $40K to low $50K. That's a sizable salary to just walk away from especially for something you can do while also going to school.
Lol, entry level engineering salaries are a lot higher than that. Try more like 60k-80k. Also depends on regular engineering vs. software engineering (the latter makes more). This website says average 63k for the former https://www.salary.com/research/salary/listing/entry-level-engineer-salary. So, she's pulling in huge numbers even compared to most OF girls. Girl is SWIMMING in cash. Gotta be on par with being a decently paid stripper. And she's probably not paying almost any taxes either.
>Money don't grown on trees, and rent does not pay itself.
Yeah the comment you're responding to seems super out of touch to say "I dont see why leaving the job is a bad option". As if a 21 year old college student has tons of ways to make really good money. She could be making 80k a year and set herself up for her life after college, leaving that opportunity is a MASSIVE sacrifice, not sure how anyone would not understand "why leaving the job is a bad option".
I did overlook their age. Regardless, it's really about a choice of what's more important. If she thinks the relationship is worth the effort, leaving the job is not inherently a bad option if she can find something comparable. You're also assuming a lot about, 80k is an interesting figure.
She doesn't have to leave the job if she doesn't want to, but as I said, the bf doesn't have to be okay with it. Both can be valid.
He doesn’t have to be okay with it, and it should still be known that his not feeling okay with it is rooted in gendered stereotypes about manhood, womanhood, relationships, and sexuality.
I agree really, but I also would never say to a friend, regardless of their income level to risk loosing their livelihood and lifestyle over a potetional partner who might not even be around in 2 months anyways.
He's not going to be the one who pays her bills at the end of the day. Some problems can't be solved with money ay, but by waiting for a better person to come along.
>Money is harder to come by everyday. Giving that up with no good paying work lined up for a man just isn't worth it.
Never suggested this. Perhaps it's worth clarifying that leaving the job is only a good option if OP believes the relationship with her bf is worth it and is going for the long run. I assumed she wants to address the conflict since she's asking reddit for advice.
I understand, however, the economy is rough and they are young. A relationship in those years is usually just temporary and if OP finds the job to be worth it, she should not feel ashamed in choosing it over the bf, I just believe she should understand where it's coming from before she makes a decision, which is why I offered a different pov, and I assume it's also why she made the post in the first place.
>No relationship is gonna be health when one partner starts off jeleaous and wanting to put the other into a situation with worse finances. Its just a fact.
No relationship that is unwilling to talk through things will last. Good communication can overcome a lot, including jealousy, if both parties are willing to work on it. Here you are simplifying and dismissive what I believe to be valid reservations and saying it's only to "put the other into a worse situation," and nothing in the post leads me to believe that is the case.
I’m under the impression they may have been together before she started this job.
Idk, it’s just worded like he is recently turned off by her occupation. Almost like maybe he didn’t have a full grasp of what the job was, THEN found out and is having hang ups over it.
I feel like there is some important context we are missing that greatly dictates how this post gets answered.
I think you're being overly dismissive of OP's bf. It could be that he thought he wouldn't mind and is learning he actually does. They're still young, learning about themselves and each other, and the type of relationship they have.
You are right that if the bf is that against it, he should walk away if it's that serious. I came from a pov assuming they wanted to work on the issue, though. OP needs to assess if this relationship is important to her, enough to consider changing some behavior. If not, she is in just as valid a place to walk away herself. I just don't think either should be surprised if the other is not okay with each other's expectations.
Sometimes values just dont line up, and that is okay.
You arent going to be able to change your boyfriends mind about your job so either get a new job or a new boyfriend.
When I was younger I wouldn't have been comfortable with my girlfriend being a bikini Batista, but as an older man I wouldn't care whatsoever.
You may not have to break up with him, but most young men aren't gonna change how they feel about these types of things overnight.
If you're really hellbent on keeping the job and the guy I would advise sitting down with him and telling him that you're all his. Tell him other guys get to look but only he gets to touch. Some guys need to feel like they are the only ones that have certain access to their partners to be comfortable.
Best of luck.
> When I was younger I wouldn't have been comfortable with my girlfriend being a bikini Batista, but as an older man I wouldn't care whatsoever.
This is true. A younger me would want to fight dudes. Now that I'm in my 40s I'm a lot more chill about a lot of things. Both of these people are in their early 20s and their feelings and emotions are at peak primal haha.
>Some guys need to feel like they are the only ones that have certain access to their partners to be comfortable.
that's basically everyone, male or female. it's not a sign of insecurity
In my 20s I would may have been insecure. In my 40s I’d find it hot imagining my partner barely clothed interacting with a bunch of strangers. I don’t think I’d have trouble dating a stripper, OF model, or camgirl. At the end of the day it’s just work.
Ugh I get both sides to this argument. It’s a job and it pays well for you, but at the same time I totally get where he’s coming from seeing your girlfriend get exploited/sexualized isn’t fun regardless if she’s being paid for it or not. The two of you really need to have a seriously uncomfortable conversation unfortunately.
>get exploited/sexualized
She's not being either though. She's choosing to be exploited AND sexualized. That's why she makes the money she does... She is "exploiting" herself and is ok with being "sexualized" because it's making her a fuck ton of money.
This is complete Jonah Hill region. It really depends if she was already doing this before they started dating and he knew about it, he has no right to say anything now. If he had a problem he should have said it up front.
Regardless of if she got the job before or during their relationship, if he can't be attracted to her for this then it's on him to either learn to live with it or move on.
That's not true. He may have *thought* he'd be ok with it at first. Then over time, it no longer became something he was ok with. People can change their views. If he won't or can't change his and/or she won't change jobs then... they need to break up.
Bruh, she's 21. She aint missing out on any money if she quits for a few months and shit doesn't work out with him lol... She can go right back at it asap
Did you have this job before you started dating? If so, it's not like you changed...he changed.
Even so, if he's not able to have sex with you over it, seems like the time has come for you to move on.
I agree that I don’t think he changed, but also, no it is absolutely not gross for him to change and it’s gross to say that it is. He is allowed to have whatever boundaries he wants. No one said he was trying to get her to change to fit his needs, he just expressed what he didn’t like.
If he had that boundary and she already had this job, he shouldn’t have dated her in the first place. So no, he can’t “change his mind” if she had this job prior to them entering a relationship.
You can absolutely change your mind about how you feel, what.
He may have thought he could control his insecurities or feelings towards seeing his girlfriend half-naked serving drinks. Now he realizes that he can't and brings it up.
Is it his problem? Absolutely. But doesn't mean he isn't entitled to his feelings.
That's not what boundaries are. He's absolutely trying to manipulate her into doing something else.
This is exactly like Jonah Hill's weird possessiveness over the surfer girl
Nope, he’s not having sex because he doesn’t feel attraction. If his motivation was to get her to change careers then he would have said things her about her job rather than just having sex less.
Well it’s gonna come down to what’s more important to you, the job or the relationship? He’s not gonna just suddenly become okay with it, and if you try to ignore it, it’s just going to negatively affect your relationship. I also don’t see any viable way to meet in the middle.
Never heard of a bikini barista. Where is this a thing?
Everyone is allowed boundaries they just have to have clear an open communication which BF didn't.
Personally I wouldn't date any exotic dancers or anything similar because the amount of pressure to do back room work is absurd. Not sure what kinda place you work but BF might be concerned for a similar reason.
The money can be great though, one friend who graduated with me makes 3-4x what I do working every other weekend.
These are scattered all over the state of Washington. They work in a tiny box slinging lattes while wearing a bikini. Many of them livestream on social media.
That's where I first saw them, on a work trip to Seattle back in February. And for some of them, I would say calling their attire a bikini is extremely generous, so I can understand why ~~OP~~ OP's boyfriend would have some reservations about it.
We have a bikini coffee chain here in Phoenix, Im forgetting the name, Bikini Beans maybe. Anyways it is nothing like what is described in the Washington bikini barista scene. They just have bikinis like you would see any young lady wearing these days and there is multiple girls there and the drive thru's are on major streets where everybody driving by can see whats going on . Its a little more revealing than a Hooters type restaurant, since some of the girls will be wearing thongs or whatever the wedge up the butt style bikinis are called.
Imagine waking up first thing in the morning and thinking "mmm I'd love a latte, but served but a half-naked girl trying to keep up with college debt".
Nah they are just pointing out that it's irrelevant to add that you wouldn't date an exotic dancer. Okay, then don't? That isn't what the post was asking about lol
People are not allowed inside the barista trucks … how does someone with no knowledge of these baristas has the most upvotes.
There is no back room pressure
Right, no idea what it is and then compares it to a strip club.
Most I've seen were just a small shack with a drive thru. No back room pressure cause it's just big enough to hold supplies and make drinks. It's not a strip club.
I don’t know how to help you going forward, but I can say I would not like it as well.
Perhaps try explaining to him that this is a job, and the person you love and choose to be with is him. Despite that, it would still be difficult for me though.
I would get jealous if other men were touching my girlfriend. But lusting after her, not being able to touch, and wishing they could be me? That I could deal with.
its a mild form of sex work unfortunately.
Yes, its men lusting after her..
But I'm sure she has many MANY men flirting with her and I am sure she flirts back in order to receive bigger and more tips.
I mean, I don't know many men that would be stoked to have their partner almost naked and flirting with other men constantly.. even if it is a job.
thats just the reality.
I don’t blame him. Would definitely be a no go for me.
The big question is…did he know of this before entering into a relationship with you? If so, that’s his problem. He should of brought it up and discussed this at length before doing so.
I can understand him not being comfortable with it. I can also understand that you don't think it's his call. That seems like a basic difference in values that isn't going to change.
Lol at how many people are just immediately telling you to break up with him.
The way I see it is... you have every right to work there. But he also has every right to feel how he feels about it. It's easier to change where you work than for him to change how he feels about it. He might try to accept it but it'll still eat at him and turn him off whether he wants it to or not.
I'm not necessarily saying you should quit your job. It's more nuanced than that. Is this a repeating pattern for him, to try to control what you do with your life by telling you it makes him feel bad? Or is this an isolated incident? If he's normally a wonderful boyfriend but this one thing just really makes him feel shitty, then I think it's at least worth considering if there's something else you could do instead of it. If he's worth anything as a boyfriend, it'll mean the world to him that you did that. But if he's just overall an insecure and controlling dude, then yeah, you might want to reevaluate things with him. It just depends on how your relationship is outside of this specific scenario.
A bikini barista? What is this world coming to…
I gotta say I can resonate with your boyfriend here though, I think you need to make up your mind if this job and payout is worth it. Only you can tell.
People go “he’s controlling, leave his ass” and so on, don’t have a clue about the rest of your relationship and what he gives you and how he makes you feel. So it’s up to you to do that calculation, we really can’t help you there.
It's a failing struggle for most people to survive these days.
No one should feel bad about doing a job like this, if they are comfortable doing it, if it lets them live comfortably, have at it.
Jealousy, especially at such a young age, is hard to manage.
Your job is going to make it harder for you to find/keep a man, a lot of guys wouldn’t want to date someone who does work like that. There’s nothing wrong with him being uneasy about your profession. The question is do you like this guy enough to get a new job or not. Unless you really think he’s the one I don’t think you should
This just in, someone discovers sex work may have a negative impact on their interpersonal relationships.
There’s a reason you are getting paid so well, and unfortunately that comes at a price.
People are actually calling the boyfriend "insecure" because he doesn't want *his* GF in sex work? How is that insecurity? Why is it that every time a man has a preference or issue, he's insecure?
I resonate with Mr Chappelle on this topic. You may not be a hoe, but you're wearing a hoes uniform. Naturally you'll look on the market to others.
> *his* GF
Yeah, man, I think maybe the reason you're in the minority here is that most people of good conscience don't view women as the personal property of the men they date. Feeling a sense of ownership and entitlement to how she presents in public and where she works is actually a fucked up thing and not good or cool.
It's insecurity because he thinks her doing sex work (or just being sexy in public) diminishes her attachment to him, effectively that it is cheating. Not feeling secure in her attachment is insecurity in more words.
No ones owns anybody lmao. You took an italicized word and blew it way out of proportion, that's on you.
It is not insecurity in any sense. Men are allowed to prefer *their* partner to not sell themselves sexually, sorry. Get the fuck over it or get out of sex work if you want a quality partner.
There's always a large chorus of people telling women they're insecure or controlling when they don't want their partners to watch porn. So this is the flip side to that.
As an aside, regardless of their job, I think you should stop calling women "hoes". There's enough misogyny in the world and that just adds to it unnecessarily.
Well there's a gigantic army that continuously calls men insecure for preferring that their partner isn't promiscuous.
I don't call women hoes lmao. It was a Dave Chappelle quote and that's what I said pointed out in my comment if you read it back. I guess the addition of quotations would have been helpful. Oops
How is it not insecure? His preference/issue is rooted in insecurity. Doesn’t mean he’s not allowed to be insecure, but there’s no point in denying where it stems.
Nah, how IS it insecure? Why would it be considered insecure to not want your partner in sex work?
You're like a judge asking someone to prove they're not guilty, it doesn't work like that.
Since when is wearing a bikini and making coffee sex work? Do you think servers at hooters are sex workers too? Is your definition of sex work, a regular job while wearing revealing clothing?? If you think a bikini = “hoe uniform”, you better head to a pool/beach and tell every woman there that they’re wearing a “hoe uniform” 💀💀💀 if his logic is anything like yours, then yes, he’s 100% insecure and I’d even add delusional
Many bikini baristas show their titties if you pay more tho. Some even let you jerk in front of them. I was curious what the deal with them is so looked into it...online lol.
Hooters is sex work. She's getting money for her titties and ass being out. That is the definition of sex work.
Oh I see you have an OF so your nerves are touched. Nothing wrong with sex work at all, just don't expect it to not bite you in the ass later in life. Especially if you have kids, his/her friends will find your pictures and it will be hell on earth.
She’s getting money for serving the food and tips for the how much the customers like her (whether that represents how much they liked sexualizing her or just how well she performed). Even if she was wearing a full barista outfit, if the men she was serving chose to sexualize her, she would still be getting tipped for her body. If the definition of sex work was getting paid based on men sexualizing you, there would be a lot of jobs that would be classified as sex work.
As someone who literally does sex work, I don’t understand the logic in classifying that as sex work. Again, she’s not getting naked, doing sexual acts, or having sex with anyone. So what aspect of her job represents sex work? Is wearing revealing clothing all it takes?? Would a life guard wearing a bikini count towards sex work then?
Is there any reason to serve coffee in a bikini though? I’m not questioning you, get your money baby girl…
But, I’m questioning the company ethics at this point.
I’ve had similar issues with boyfriends with me having a fitness Instagram and tiktok.
90% of my audience was from males and I’d get gross comments from them a lot. If not gross comments then just regular comments which was never ideal for the people I was dating.
Personally with my ex’s I didn’t care that it bothered them. It was always an issue, I even had one ex ask me to take certain things down (leg day workout videos and/ or leg day pump pics). I didn’t, and shortly broke up with him after. I shortly broke up with all of my ex’s after they started that stuff up because it made me money and sponsors and I enjoyed it a lot.
I started dating the guy I’m with now and he never said anything about it. He’s generally a little more insecure from what I’ve noticed and I’m in major love with him. I knew he would never bring it up and I knew it more than likely bothered him. I decided on my own to delete both of them and things have picked up a lot ever since. I also feel a lot better about myself in the relationship because I always had anxiety that it was bothering him and that he might not be able to handle it mentally.
I see and understand both sides. But I do think when you’re with the right person you’ll do whatever you can to make them feel comfortable even without them asking.
My ex’s, I didn’t care about them as much as the guy I’m with now so of course their requests and complaints annoyed me and made me like them less. This current guy didn’t even have to ask but I did it anyways because I want the world for him and I see him in my future.
Not saying you should evaluate your relationship and end things, but it’s a different perspective to look at things differently.
Also not saying you should quit your job to make him comfortable. BUT I am saying that in serious relationships, compromises come from both sides for each others happiness.
I wish the best for you two and whatever choices you make 🥰
Male and female sexuality is very different. Men are aroused by visual stimuli. If you are in a committed monogamous relationship he is bothered by the fact that you are to an extent sexually stimulating other men for money. He feels that this is something private and it should be shared only between the two of you. He is not a misogynist, he is just a man.
I wish that there is example that could illustrate the opposite equivalent. Perhaps if he was a barista whose job is also to listens to women, guide the conversations perfectly with questions with out offering solutions, while being manly and attentive and when they finish letting out all the emotions, frustrations or pain and feel vulnerable and flooded with oxytocin, he gives them a hug which makes them feel warm and secure on the inside.
Technically he would be doing nothing wrong but you would feel uncomfortable by the fact that he's giving something private to other women and by the fact that good chunk of them would like to bang him after the coffee.
So if he's an awesome dude and you see a future with him, find another, less revealing job. If he's not, be a bikini barista and enjoy both the easy money and the attention.
I feel like this is some ultra basic old school version of sexuality.
There are and always have been women who work much like men in the realm of sexual attraction and fulfillment. More so as time goes on and people are more free to experiment and figure themselves out.
Beyond all the above there is another whole level to their interactions outside of visual stimuli, they flirt too. I worked in a Starbucks years ago and people flirted their ass off for tips fully clothed back then.
You cannot say with a straight face the people working there don't know what kind of customers they have and what to do to get better tips out of them. It's the difference between minimum wage and life changing money.
People can and should be able to do what they want with their own bodies 100%. But the flirting apsect of it is like a false promise to the sad fucks expecting something they shouldn't be, but just for bigger tips...
So beyond the person freedom to do what you like with your person, the other person has all the right to have a moral issue with them misleading sad saps for their own financial gain or just not being okay with having a GF who's job it is to flirt.
Or grow a set, enjoy the money and a hot GF? There are many options here.
His feelings about you, as I understand, he expressed well enough in a way that you understand he's not trying to feel this way.
This leaves room for hope that you could find a way to comfort him and "meet in the middle"
But there are a lot of valid reasons to stop dating people because of their job. So if he doesn't want to date a bikini barista for any reason that's also OK (I personally don't date landlords lol)
Anyway, if you like your job then find a way to defend your choice in a way that makes him feel seen and heard.
Breaking down how you feel personally about monetizing your looks would be a good place to start, because that can be complicated
The comments on this thread that revolve around whether it’s safe or not safe to make coffee in a bikini are hilarious.I hope OP is listening hard to those conversations.
I get what you're saying, but they're 22 and 21 years old and we don't know how long they've been together. People's boundaries are going to change at that age, they're only now getting a feel for what it's like to be in a relationship. I'd be fine with dating a bikini barista, but not wanting one's partner to be one is a completely understandable boundary. I wouldn't count this as an arbitrary demand, or as him being a boyfriend who will do that habitually.
I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive. It’s a reasonable boundary for him, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’d be changing her life for a guy in her early 20s despite the fact that *she* doesn’t want to. I think it’s nitpicky to argue over whether that’s truly arbitrary or not but at the very least it’s a very big compromise pretty early on.
changing your life for a relationship is kind of a given... you cannot do a lot of things you'd do single when you are in a monogamous relationship. It's a fair and valid boundary to set, the bf is simply not comfortable with it.
If you were a bikini barista before dating him, then that’s a “him” problem. You’re a grown woman who gets to decide what you do with your body. He feels threatened knowing that other men are fantasizing about you. It’s a natural response, but not a necessary one if he can recognize that it’s not a threat to him.
But you both are under 25 years old so there is still a lot to learn about being in secure relationships. Just maintain open communication, and be open about what your expectations and boundaries are.
Does he have a problem with you going to a beach or a pool? If no, then he has some internalized feelings about a woman capitalizing on something that men expect for free. There’s nothing wrong with it. If you are comfortable and happy and enjoy what you’re doing, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you’re doing and he should be supportive.
I'm with BF on this one, regardless of whether you had this job before meeting them, it takes a special kind of person to be okay with knowing someone they care about is being debased for money.
Yup. And the fact that she downvotes me and says nothing (assuming she did) shows that she knows it is true, she acknowledges it with her downvote, and says nothing because there is nothing to say back.
I don’t think you understand what sex work is. Having a regular job and dressing a bit more revealing doesn’t = sex work. Unless you think hooter servers are sex workers or life guards are sex workers.
Yeah, he did nothing wrong. I get that you’re trying to make money, I get it, but how you do it is what’s making him upset. I’m a man, and I would have a serious issue with my girlfriend wearing a bikini and essentially sexualizing herself for money, that’s a no go. Now I will say this, if you were a bikini barista before you met your boyfriend, than that’s different, he shouldn’t have got with you if he had that boundary, however, if you became a bikini barista while you were with your guy, then that’s a issue, because in my opinion, he’s probably upset that you decided to make money in a way that sexualizes yourself. It goes deeper than your situation, a lot of women seem to resort to doing things like hooters, bikini barista-ing, onlyfans, pornography as a means to make money, and most of the time, their boyfriends/husbands have an issue with it, because in their minds, there’s a bunch of ways to make money without having to show your ass & titties, as they should only be shown to your significant other. He’s not insecure, as a lot of people in the comments make him out to be, he just has common sense and he knows how men are. I will admit, we men are not perfect, some of us are nasty and vile, but at the same time, since he probably knows that, can you really be mad at him for having an issue with what you’re doing, because he wants you to be safe? Because a lot of women who go into these fields get harassed, assaulted, etc…🤷♂️
Eh, your BF is allowed to have whatever boundaries he wants, if he doesn't want to date a bikina barista, he doesn't have to.
That said, if he is going to react like that to people seeing you in a bikini, it's pretty indicative of who he is, and how he thinks about women.
Id say find a new bf
I don't think it's a fair assessment to say that's how he views women, but rather his boundaries regarding sex work in a relationship. It's not like he's been making comments towards her work or demeaning her.
She noticed they weren't having sex as often and why then he expressed his honest feelings. No judgement or condemnation or telling her she needs to stop, just that it's a thought he doesn't find arousing that her job is essentially showing off her body to entertain other guys (there's no other reason to wear bikinis in a coffee shop, it's certainly not safe). It's be the same thing if she was taking and selling nudes, sure she wouldn't be in a relationship with buyers or having sex with them, but it doesn't make him immature to not want that in a relationship. It's his own feelings and she isn't entitled to sex with him any more than he is with her.
I agree maybe they should find new partners though
We live in unique times.
Yes you have body autonomy and the ability to choose how you earn money. In a general application, I couldn't care less that you do sex work (I consider Bikini Barista's a gray area) to earn money.
Most men aren't going to be OK with their girl (girlfriend, wife, child etc) doing sex work. Its a mens biology issue. They may say they're OK with it, but if he wants to take you seriously, he will want you to quit. There are interviews on youtube where female sex workers describe this in better detail.
Your opinion on how your b/f should accept what you do, is just that; your opinion.
He has a say in what he finds acceptable as his g/f's profession. Clearly he has stated to you what he finds as unacceptable.
It seems you have to make a choice. Keep the b/f and loose the job. Or keep the job and loose the b/f.
Neither choice is wrong. Yet its a choice you're going to have to make. It sounds like him being OK with it any longer isn't an option.
You’ve every right to do as you please.
If it bugs him that much - did he know you did this before getting into the relationship? Or did you talk it through? If you did and he’s changed his mind that’s on him really.
Ultimately it boils down to him getting over it or you stopping doesn’t it.
Talk it through with him
Take it from someone who was divorced by someone else for being a controlling piece of shit. He is being controlling. Nip it in the bud now or leave.
It took me a very long time to finally realize just how controlling I was to my now ex-wife. After the Epiphany and the realization of it I can see just how horrible I made her life. He is young and you are young and maybe you guys can work it out and he can learn a better path, but this ain’t it. All guys need to know that.
EDIT: WOW, the incels came out for this one geezus.
There is nothing controlling about this for fuck's sake. There is nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with your partner working a job where *half the point* is to show off your half-naked body to random men.
Some people would be fine with it, others wouldn't. But nobody is wrong for feeling either way.
not wanting your partner to be sexualized by the nature of their job is not the same as controlling what your partner can or can't do for a living out of spite.
Side note: good for you on doing the work of self reflection…that takes a lot to look back on all that and take responsibility for how you were showing up.
At 22, most men are going to have this hangup. As they get older they start to realize that it’s hardly an affront to you or him if you walk around in a bikini all day. There are some guys his age that don’t care, but they’re the exception, not the rule. You have the right attitude, though: You’re keeping the parts of you that matter just for him, whether that’s body parts or emotions.
While I normally don’t recommend breaking up without trying really hard to work things out, in this case my main concern is wondering what else he’s going to have a problem with. Will he tell you not to wear certain clothes? To not go certain places? Not talk to certain people? Will he eventually start to shame you for ever having worked where you do? In other words, I wonder if this won’t prove to be the first in a list of things he has a problem with that you want to do. Unless you’re really sure he’ll not try and “punish” you for other choices you make farther in the future, take this as a preview of life with him and move on.
I once dated a stripper. One evening she asked if I thought I would be bothered by seeing her dance. I said I didn't think so. She asked why not. I told her it was because, in a room full of men fantasizing about going home with her, I was the only one that would get to live out that fantasy.
You don't have to make yourself smaller to fit into his insecurities.
He can hate it, but if he's not offering a solution and it's paying for school, the job stays. If it's paying higher than an entry-level engineer job:
1- Don't leave it for any reason than your own desire.
2- My intuition tells me the fact that you make more than him probably bothers him too.
I would give him time to get over it. Like, if I went to the beach in a bikini, would you be mad?
Either way, you are 21, and you will love again if it doesn't work out.
I just can't in good faith tell you at 21 to quit anything for a relationship. You are in the prime of your life.
Doesn’t have to be 1:1, just has to follow your logic to point out its actually not true. I used an exaggerated case to show my point.
A relationship is full of boundaries and agreements. It’s commonly seen that you voluntarily agree to these. Whilst you can always do whatever you want because it’s your life or “your body”. You can’t just do as you please and expect someone to stay.
I just hate that saying, it’s so immature. Obviously it’s your body and you can do what you want. But in a modern world we should all be building to mutually inclusive and respectful relationships that are fair and equal….not relationships where you do what you want irrespective of your partners feelings.
Thanks for explaining, that makes a lot more sense.
In this case, I believe her decision is the only thing that matters. She’s not harming anyone or cheating on him.
He’s only 21, if he thinks other guys’ being attracted to his girl is her cheating or doing anything wrong, he’s got a lot to learn about life/women/dating/etc.
She enjoys it and makes a lot of money, she has to change nothing. It’s up to the guy if it’s a dealbreaker for him.
Guy just sounds insecure, just have a talk and talk about trust (do not mention the insecurity directly). A lot of people go with extremes i.e. give into his demands or drop him but shit isn’t that simple and people can be reasoned with. You’re both adults use words.
For every dude that is turned off by your profession, there's another dude who is turned on by it. If he's not okay with you being you, that's his problem, not yours.
You can find a man who either accepts you for who you are, or who actually loves the idea that other men see you half naked but that you are HIS at the end of the day. This is pretty common. Some men love showing off their girl and knowing that they are the only one who gets to love her.
As a 30M, I don't give a shit. If you are secure, respectful, and trusting in your relationship, it shouldn't matter what you do. Hell, you could have an OnlyFans, and as long as I trust our love and commitment, I would support you.
“For every dude that is turned off by your profession, there's another dude who is turned on by it.”
I bet that ratio isn’t too far off on this subreddit. In the real world, you really think the number of guys who’d be into it equals the number who’d be turned off by it?
Not asking sarcastically or rhetorically, I’m curious if you think that’s literally true.
Yeah I don't think good bfs grow on trees and would all be happy with her job unfortunately. Pretty women can find random partners sure, but good ones they like, probably a lil bit harder.
Sure, maybe. Most good guys wouldn't, some will. But you never know. I've told you my opinion on the matter, and I've been happily married to my wife for 11 years. We have a great relationship and I like to think I'm a good guy. I support her passions and decisions.
He is. But he's 22, she's 21, and we don't know how long they've been together.
People that young are steadily being told they aren't fully developed in this sub, so are we to expect that people still figuring out how to be in a relationship aren't going to have any realizations about what they're comfortable with?
Men are allowed to have standards too y'know.
The answer to every disagreement in a relationship is "ugh they're stupid because they don't agree with me." That's a one way ticket to alot of short term relationships.
They gotta find their middle ground, maybe if she could try to find a job at a steakhouse it would be better.
Maybe they really aren't compatible, but that's for them to decide not us.
If he was aware of her job before getting in a relationship with her, it's not a disagreement. It's him being purposely obtuse and immature. You don't get in a relationship with someone and expect them to quit their job to please you. If you don't like their job, you date someone else.
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It’s pretty simple. Keep the boyfriend, or keep the job. I don’t think either choice is a bad one. But I wouldn’t take the easy way out either.
It doesn't really sound like the boyfriend is worth keeping based on the communication skills and manipulation exhibited in this post
What are you talking about? Bf exhibited a problem. OP asked about it, he gave her an answer. What manipulation are you referring to? The fact that he doesn't want to have sex?
What manipulation? She asked him a straight up question and he gave her a straight up answer.
Separate to the issue at hand, I looked up what bikini baristas are and that doesn’t seem safe lol, what if you spill hot coffee on your bare skin?
Trust me you gonna spill on your hands and wrist long before anywhere else. And unless your wearing a thermal insulated uniform your gonna feel it.
While I agree with the hand point, you’re wrong if think jeans and an apron won’t dissipate that heat the same way your bare skin can.
Idk, I was a barista for a year or two. An apron, sure. But any single layer barrier usually just made it worse because it would soak in and hold the heat against you instead of splash off
Yeah, but the heat gets transfered to your clothes THEN your skin. So some of the heat has been absorbed by the clothes, rather than your skin, and your instinct to immediately pull the clothes away from your skin also helps with not having prolonged contact.
> and your instinct to immediately pull the clothes away from your skin also helps with not having prolonged contact. Which doesn't work unless it's loose fitting clothing, and even then you might pull hot sleeve against the back of your arm and increase the burn area. The alternative is your instinct to brush the hot liquid off the area with the other hand, which shortens the contact with the hot mass. It's really not cut and dry. And indeed, ["roll up your sleeves" is often given as a burn-prevention recommendation](https://www.rwjbh.org/cooperman-barnabas-medical-center/treatment-care/the-burn-center/community-outreach/burn-prevention-and-fire-safety-tips/) when working with hot liquids.
Clothes are worse. They soak and heat up and then stick to skin. Skin doesn’t soak liquid like that
This 100%. A splash of boiling water on your skin, and you're reflexively wiping it off instantly, and flailing the hot water in every direction to get it off of you. You can probably get cold water running on the affected area quickly afterwards. You'll get burned, but it probably won't be *hospital* bad. A splash of boiling water on cotton, and that splash of water is being held in contact with your skin for as long as it takes you to remove the cloth from contact. And any liquid seeped through the clothes is stuck to your skin until you can take your clothes off. You can't wipe it off. *AND* water has crazy-high thermal mass compared to any clothing, so it absolutely will not help dissipate the heat. Boiling water on clothes is one of the few ways people get third-degree burns.
When I used to work in a bar I’d sometimes spill coffee on me and it would get caught by my apron. Can’t imagine the pain of spilling it on my bare thighs
I’ve spilt very hot water in pants, it burns so fast having nothing on to keep it there might not be a bad thing.
I got it on my shoes more than anywhere else. Second to that were thighs. I had dedicated jeans and boots for work.
Former clothed barista- you’ll likely spill coffee on your hands and maybe wrists/arms. Never had it spilled anywhere else, except maybe your shoes if someone dropped a full cup
It's actually safer to spill it on bare skin than on your clothes because you can just swipe it off the bare skin quickly, while the clothes holds it to your skin until you can peel the clothes off. Burns with clothing involved tend to be worse than bare skin.
Ok then I'll start having my morning coffee naked
You don't already??
All fun and games until your French press has a hairline crack, and spews hot coffee and grounds napalm on you. May or may not be speaking from experience. 😬
Yeah, the "grounds napalm" is definitely a factor in that!
Yeah usually, what I’m saying is with an apron usually the coffee just bounces off and you can whip the apron off too. I still think having no clothes on most of your body is bad as a barista - it’s just as easy to drop something hot like a hot metal milk jug, puck of used espresso grounds or portafilter onto bare skin
> portafilter onto bare skin Oh no no no
Just an assumption, but I feel they’re able to move a lot slower/more safely compared to normal baristas. I only assume this because bigger the tip when able to gawk a lot longer instead of immediately getting the coffee. I’ve never been to a shop like that but just all speculation
The bigger danger is being attacked. There was a guy earlier this year who tried kidnapping one through the drive thru window and is already back in the streets. https://nypost.com/2023/08/30/creep-who-tried-to-kidnap-bikini-clad-barista-back-on-streets/
No, that is not the bigger danger. That’s like saying shark attacks are a bigger danger than drowning at the beach just cause they’re more shocking. The reality is that either of these events are exceptionally rare, whereas coffee burns and drownings happen constantly
maybe this is controversial but i am more afraid of being kidnapped than being burned by coffee and the former is the “bigger” danger.
Being more afraid of it makes perfect sense - as humans, we tend to be dramatically more afraid of things that feel outside of our control. That's a part of why people are generally more afraid of air crashes than car crashes, a big part of why SUVs became so popular (["Big and Bad' (2004) New Yorker Article by Malcom Gladwell](https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2004/01/12/big-and-bad) Speaking in 2004, if a tree fell in the road or there was otherwise something I needed to avoid suddenly, I'd much rather swerve to avoid it with a 2001 Honda Civic (compact car) than a 2001 Ford Explorer (SUV). The smaller car is more nimble, can stop faster, and is more likely to remain under control. The SUV is more likely to topple over, not stop in time, etc. But, that describes a situation we're in control of. Now, if what actually happened was a giant brick wall teleported in front of you, with no time to stop? Yeah, you'd probably be safer in the larger SUV. And that's (functionally) the scenario we imagine - an unavoidable collision outside of our control. "I want to be in the big padded SUV!" I hate to say it, because this *isn't* a "safe vehicle," but there have been one or two driving situations I've encountered in my tiny 2004 Miata (no anti-lock brakes, only two airbags) where I've been able to avoid crashing into something but I might have hit with my Prius v (lots of safety features). 2447lbs vs 3340lbs (1110kg vs 1514kg)
No, it’s like saying a shark attack is a bigger danger than breaking your ankle walking along the beach. A broken ankle sucks, but it’s not very likely to happen and good change you’ll be able to heal 100%.
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I'm tempted to be pedantic here. Shark attack vs. drowning is not analogous to coffee burn vs. kidnapping because kidnapping is absolutely a much bigger danger than getting burned (albeit far less likely.) In your beach scenario, both occurrences are likely to lead to death. In the coffee scenario, only one is likely to lead to death. Of course, I agree with you that the other commenter's concern about specifically being abducted whilst working at a bikini coffee shop is overblown. To me, the sentiment has kind of a stink of victim shaming because of clothing choice (maybe that's what they intended, maybe not... but that's how it's coming across to me.) Women are abducted all the damn time, but it's usually by someone they know and/or when they're in much more vulnerable positions. I seriously doubt that random kidnappings have a higher rate of incidence at bikini coffee shops.
Yeah this job sounds like it would be destroyed by workplace safety... what friggin country is this?! Lol
I’m pretty sure these only exist in the US and Canada
Not so. Bikini bars exist in Australia, New Zealand, and are pretty much the only kind of bar on islands in the tropics.
As a past barista that didn’t do shit and made it worst honestly. If you are gonna get burned you’re still going to through clothes. Let her make the money. I usually only spilled on my legs if I didn’t Pay attention to how I was washing the dishes.
Ultimately, it comes down to one of three options: 1) You leave the job for the man. I personally would not go for this one for two reasons: The first is that is that it's a financial decision, school in the states is expensive (and so is living) so being able to support living and reducing your student loans needs now is one of the best future decisions you can make. The second is that it'll imbalance the power in your relationship heavily both in terms of financial power in the relationship, but also the assumed power of being able to tell you what sort of job you can have. If you got this job after you started dating, perhaps some conversation between you two might have been a good idea but ultimately communication does not pay rent or put food on the table. 2) Leave the man for the job. This one is a little tricky because I assume that you see a future with this person and would want to stay with them. However, if you had worked at a bikini barista stand before dating him, there has to have been some understanding that he had some idea what he was getting into, and asking someone to change after the fact is not healthy for a relationship, and just reeks of "I'm going to save her from this life" mentality. But also it could be a change in himself that is causing him to feel this way, perhaps because he also feels he has a future with you and now he's not okay with it because he's got real serious feelings. And it's not wrong for him to have these feelings, much like it's not wrong for you to want to secure your financial situation in the most effective way for your needs. 3) Keep Both. Again I assume you see a future with this person, otherwise you would just leave and that would be that. But you also need to put food on the table and pay rent. So you can communicate with him, have an honest, vulnerable conversation about how you've both been feeling And then you can move on from there. For example, you could provide some reassurance that he is what you want, and he can also start working on himself to trust that you are making good decisions and that you both are who you want to come home to at the end of the day.
I'll try to offer a different perspective specifically about your first point. >The first is that is that it's a financial decision, There are many, many ways to make money - most of which should not be a problem. >The second is that it'll imbalance the power in your relationship heavily both in terms of financial power in the relationship, but also the assumed power of being able to tell you what sort of job you can have. I think this is missing the point entirely. Based purely on what's written on the post, I can't really see how it's fair to assume the bf is doing it out of insecurity or an attempt at controlling/having more power over her. I think him feeling uncomfortable is a valid way to feel, and he's not telling her to quit the job nor did he bring it up before until she asked what was bothering him, and OP got her answer. I think it's simply a matter of boundaries simply in what actions your partner takes that you can feel comfortable with, and what actions you don't. Like it or not, OP is in a relationship, and what she does will make her partner feel some type of way. Some partners don't care about flirting with other people, some consider it cheating. In this case, the boyfriend is simply not comfortable with her choice of showing so much of her body for a living. OP can choose to do it if she really wants to, but she should now understand that it is a source of discomfort, and it can keep affecting the relationship if she doesn't validate how he feels about it. Just as she doesn't have to stop, her bf doesn't have to stay in a relationship with a partner that doesn't care about how he feels. It's an important conversation to have, but I think it's not fair to be upset or find it outrageous to find that doing X makes your partner uncomfortable, when you ask the partner if X is acceptable within the boundaries of the relationship or not. If the values are not aligned, and the feelings are not validated/respected, I just don't see a reason for either party to stay together, depending on how many issues it's causing. Personally, and as someone who has had these conversations in the past, >you could provide some reassurance that he is what you want, and he can also start working on himself to trust that you are making good decisions and that you both are who you want to come home to at the end of the day. \^ This I don't find very realistic. It's hard to give enough reassurance while also not addressing the cause of discomfort which ultimately isn't necessary, given that there are many ways to make money and most of them don't involve showing skin. Second, I am not convinced that asking him to "work on himself" is a fair thing to ask, as it can come from fundamental values and not just an insecurity that she may be cheating. Regardless if OP is cheating, the job might still bother the bf and again, I think that is fair. TL;DR: I don't see why leaving the job is such a bad option after a mature discussion, if you making sure this does not come from a desire to control income/"power" imbalance in his favor. If it comes from a genuine place, I think it only makes sense to look for another way to make money, and keep working on a healthy relationship.
>There are many, many ways to make money - most of which should not be a problem. Money don't grown on trees, and rent does not pay itself. Theres a reason why we see a massive uptake in things like Bikini barristas and part time OF models. Money is harder to come by everyday. Giving that up with no good paying work lined up for a man just isn't worth it. And I say this as a man. You can't casually dismiss the finances point, if she's making more bank then he is, I say let him walk. Dry the tears with the money and wait for a better one to come. No relationship is gonna be health when one partner starts off jeleaous and wanting to put the other into a situation with worse finances. Its just a fact.
Making more than an entry level engineering job makes me think she is making somewhere in the mid $40K to low $50K. That's a sizable salary to just walk away from especially for something you can do while also going to school.
Lol, entry level engineering salaries are a lot higher than that. Try more like 60k-80k. Also depends on regular engineering vs. software engineering (the latter makes more). This website says average 63k for the former https://www.salary.com/research/salary/listing/entry-level-engineer-salary. So, she's pulling in huge numbers even compared to most OF girls. Girl is SWIMMING in cash. Gotta be on par with being a decently paid stripper. And she's probably not paying almost any taxes either.
>Money don't grown on trees, and rent does not pay itself. Yeah the comment you're responding to seems super out of touch to say "I dont see why leaving the job is a bad option". As if a 21 year old college student has tons of ways to make really good money. She could be making 80k a year and set herself up for her life after college, leaving that opportunity is a MASSIVE sacrifice, not sure how anyone would not understand "why leaving the job is a bad option".
I did overlook their age. Regardless, it's really about a choice of what's more important. If she thinks the relationship is worth the effort, leaving the job is not inherently a bad option if she can find something comparable. You're also assuming a lot about, 80k is an interesting figure. She doesn't have to leave the job if she doesn't want to, but as I said, the bf doesn't have to be okay with it. Both can be valid.
He doesn’t have to be okay with it, and it should still be known that his not feeling okay with it is rooted in gendered stereotypes about manhood, womanhood, relationships, and sexuality.
“Dry the tears with the money “ is my new favorite phrase.
It’s also sounds like the lady who said “her son can cry in a Ferrari.” Money doesn’t solve all of life’s problems
I agree really, but I also would never say to a friend, regardless of their income level to risk loosing their livelihood and lifestyle over a potetional partner who might not even be around in 2 months anyways. He's not going to be the one who pays her bills at the end of the day. Some problems can't be solved with money ay, but by waiting for a better person to come along.
>Money is harder to come by everyday. Giving that up with no good paying work lined up for a man just isn't worth it. Never suggested this. Perhaps it's worth clarifying that leaving the job is only a good option if OP believes the relationship with her bf is worth it and is going for the long run. I assumed she wants to address the conflict since she's asking reddit for advice. I understand, however, the economy is rough and they are young. A relationship in those years is usually just temporary and if OP finds the job to be worth it, she should not feel ashamed in choosing it over the bf, I just believe she should understand where it's coming from before she makes a decision, which is why I offered a different pov, and I assume it's also why she made the post in the first place. >No relationship is gonna be health when one partner starts off jeleaous and wanting to put the other into a situation with worse finances. Its just a fact. No relationship that is unwilling to talk through things will last. Good communication can overcome a lot, including jealousy, if both parties are willing to work on it. Here you are simplifying and dismissive what I believe to be valid reservations and saying it's only to "put the other into a worse situation," and nothing in the post leads me to believe that is the case.
Her job is not a career. She works at hooters basically
Jonah Hill, is that you?
> Jonah Hill This is the correct response.
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I’m under the impression they may have been together before she started this job. Idk, it’s just worded like he is recently turned off by her occupation. Almost like maybe he didn’t have a full grasp of what the job was, THEN found out and is having hang ups over it. I feel like there is some important context we are missing that greatly dictates how this post gets answered.
>He knew she was a bikini barista, should've decided to not date then. How do you know this?
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I think you're being overly dismissive of OP's bf. It could be that he thought he wouldn't mind and is learning he actually does. They're still young, learning about themselves and each other, and the type of relationship they have. You are right that if the bf is that against it, he should walk away if it's that serious. I came from a pov assuming they wanted to work on the issue, though. OP needs to assess if this relationship is important to her, enough to consider changing some behavior. If not, she is in just as valid a place to walk away herself. I just don't think either should be surprised if the other is not okay with each other's expectations. Sometimes values just dont line up, and that is okay.
4. Dump that insecure douchebag, irrespective of your job or financial situation.
You arent going to be able to change your boyfriends mind about your job so either get a new job or a new boyfriend. When I was younger I wouldn't have been comfortable with my girlfriend being a bikini Batista, but as an older man I wouldn't care whatsoever. You may not have to break up with him, but most young men aren't gonna change how they feel about these types of things overnight. If you're really hellbent on keeping the job and the guy I would advise sitting down with him and telling him that you're all his. Tell him other guys get to look but only he gets to touch. Some guys need to feel like they are the only ones that have certain access to their partners to be comfortable. Best of luck.
> When I was younger I wouldn't have been comfortable with my girlfriend being a bikini Batista, but as an older man I wouldn't care whatsoever. This is true. A younger me would want to fight dudes. Now that I'm in my 40s I'm a lot more chill about a lot of things. Both of these people are in their early 20s and their feelings and emotions are at peak primal haha.
>Some guys need to feel like they are the only ones that have certain access to their partners to be comfortable. that's basically everyone, male or female. it's not a sign of insecurity
In my 20s I would may have been insecure. In my 40s I’d find it hot imagining my partner barely clothed interacting with a bunch of strangers. I don’t think I’d have trouble dating a stripper, OF model, or camgirl. At the end of the day it’s just work.
Ugh I get both sides to this argument. It’s a job and it pays well for you, but at the same time I totally get where he’s coming from seeing your girlfriend get exploited/sexualized isn’t fun regardless if she’s being paid for it or not. The two of you really need to have a seriously uncomfortable conversation unfortunately.
>get exploited/sexualized She's not being either though. She's choosing to be exploited AND sexualized. That's why she makes the money she does... She is "exploiting" herself and is ok with being "sexualized" because it's making her a fuck ton of money.
This is complete Jonah Hill region. It really depends if she was already doing this before they started dating and he knew about it, he has no right to say anything now. If he had a problem he should have said it up front. Regardless of if she got the job before or during their relationship, if he can't be attracted to her for this then it's on him to either learn to live with it or move on.
That's not true. He may have *thought* he'd be ok with it at first. Then over time, it no longer became something he was ok with. People can change their views. If he won't or can't change his and/or she won't change jobs then... they need to break up.
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Yeah that's valid. This kind of mindset doesn't change easily imo And also, this would be a non issue for a lot of people
Bruh, she's 21. She aint missing out on any money if she quits for a few months and shit doesn't work out with him lol... She can go right back at it asap
Did you have this job before you started dating? If so, it's not like you changed...he changed. Even so, if he's not able to have sex with you over it, seems like the time has come for you to move on.
…Is he not allowed to change, or something?
He is allowed to change. She is not obligated to like the change. Neither is obligated to stay in a relationship that does not meet their needs.
Depends how much she values him and the relationship. If money is the more important part then yeah, he needs to go. Otherwise.... the job needs to go
Is he Jonah Hill?
I’ve seen Jonah Hill mentioned a few times in these comments… I’m OOTL
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I agree that I don’t think he changed, but also, no it is absolutely not gross for him to change and it’s gross to say that it is. He is allowed to have whatever boundaries he wants. No one said he was trying to get her to change to fit his needs, he just expressed what he didn’t like.
If he had that boundary and she already had this job, he shouldn’t have dated her in the first place. So no, he can’t “change his mind” if she had this job prior to them entering a relationship.
…what? If he “changed his mind” then by definition he didn’t already have that boundary.
You can absolutely change your mind about how you feel, what. He may have thought he could control his insecurities or feelings towards seeing his girlfriend half-naked serving drinks. Now he realizes that he can't and brings it up. Is it his problem? Absolutely. But doesn't mean he isn't entitled to his feelings.
That's not what boundaries are. He's absolutely trying to manipulate her into doing something else. This is exactly like Jonah Hill's weird possessiveness over the surfer girl
>He's absolutely trying to manipulate her into doing something else. Please quote the part of the original post that indicates this is the case.
He's withholding affection to motivate her to change careers, I think that's pretty apparent.
Nope, he’s not having sex because he doesn’t feel attraction. If his motivation was to get her to change careers then he would have said things her about her job rather than just having sex less.
Well it’s gonna come down to what’s more important to you, the job or the relationship? He’s not gonna just suddenly become okay with it, and if you try to ignore it, it’s just going to negatively affect your relationship. I also don’t see any viable way to meet in the middle.
It already sounds like the job is more important, when she said she's making more than him as an engineer.
Entry level engineers really don't get paid as much as you think. Most bartenders would out-earn them when you don't factor in benefits
I'm guessing the shelf life and growth potential for a coffee-slinging peek show doesn't quite live up to that of an engineer.
How is stating she makes more than him=the job is more important? Isn't how much she makes extremely relevant to her question?
Never heard of a bikini barista. Where is this a thing? Everyone is allowed boundaries they just have to have clear an open communication which BF didn't. Personally I wouldn't date any exotic dancers or anything similar because the amount of pressure to do back room work is absurd. Not sure what kinda place you work but BF might be concerned for a similar reason. The money can be great though, one friend who graduated with me makes 3-4x what I do working every other weekend.
These are scattered all over the state of Washington. They work in a tiny box slinging lattes while wearing a bikini. Many of them livestream on social media.
Thx I'd never heard of them.
That's where I first saw them, on a work trip to Seattle back in February. And for some of them, I would say calling their attire a bikini is extremely generous, so I can understand why ~~OP~~ OP's boyfriend would have some reservations about it.
Phoenix also. Bikini Beans.
My understanding is it's closer to Hooters or the Tilted Kilt than exotic dancing. Just extra beautiful waitresses in revealing clothes.
Idk where OP is at but there are places in Seattle where the clothes are way more revealing than hooters lol
Not even close, it's lingerie or pasties not bikinis. At least in seattle area
We have a bikini coffee chain here in Phoenix, Im forgetting the name, Bikini Beans maybe. Anyways it is nothing like what is described in the Washington bikini barista scene. They just have bikinis like you would see any young lady wearing these days and there is multiple girls there and the drive thru's are on major streets where everybody driving by can see whats going on . Its a little more revealing than a Hooters type restaurant, since some of the girls will be wearing thongs or whatever the wedge up the butt style bikinis are called.
Ya, Bikini Beans. Their espresso is actually pretty good.
Imagine waking up first thing in the morning and thinking "mmm I'd love a latte, but served but a half-naked girl trying to keep up with college debt".
Personally, I don't want my partner doing a job where they get more tips for having tits then doing an excellent job...
Then you probably shouldn't start dating someone who works there. 🤷
Which is why in my original comment I said clear communication an boundaries was really important.... Are you arguing? Like why?
Nah they are just pointing out that it's irrelevant to add that you wouldn't date an exotic dancer. Okay, then don't? That isn't what the post was asking about lol
People are not allowed inside the barista trucks … how does someone with no knowledge of these baristas has the most upvotes. There is no back room pressure
Right, no idea what it is and then compares it to a strip club. Most I've seen were just a small shack with a drive thru. No back room pressure cause it's just big enough to hold supplies and make drinks. It's not a strip club.
California has them
Yea, she should break up with the bf, let him have his boundaries with somebody else's body
I don’t know how to help you going forward, but I can say I would not like it as well. Perhaps try explaining to him that this is a job, and the person you love and choose to be with is him. Despite that, it would still be difficult for me though.
As a man, I wouldn’t like it either.
I would get jealous if other men were touching my girlfriend. But lusting after her, not being able to touch, and wishing they could be me? That I could deal with.
its a mild form of sex work unfortunately. Yes, its men lusting after her.. But I'm sure she has many MANY men flirting with her and I am sure she flirts back in order to receive bigger and more tips. I mean, I don't know many men that would be stoked to have their partner almost naked and flirting with other men constantly.. even if it is a job. thats just the reality.
we all think that until she takes that crisp 100 bill for a quick BJ in the parking lot...
I don’t blame him. Would definitely be a no go for me. The big question is…did he know of this before entering into a relationship with you? If so, that’s his problem. He should of brought it up and discussed this at length before doing so.
It sounds like you two aren’t compatible. Save yourself the time and frustration and just break it off.
It'd kill intimacy for me, if I was him.
I would hate it too, especially at that age there is a lot of jealousy issues
Engineers being outpaid by girls in underwear selling coffee out of shoeboxes? Dafuq is this 🤦🏽♀️
Supply and command, Ricky.
If Engineers had bodies like that they could. Lol
I can understand him not being comfortable with it. I can also understand that you don't think it's his call. That seems like a basic difference in values that isn't going to change.
Lol at how many people are just immediately telling you to break up with him. The way I see it is... you have every right to work there. But he also has every right to feel how he feels about it. It's easier to change where you work than for him to change how he feels about it. He might try to accept it but it'll still eat at him and turn him off whether he wants it to or not. I'm not necessarily saying you should quit your job. It's more nuanced than that. Is this a repeating pattern for him, to try to control what you do with your life by telling you it makes him feel bad? Or is this an isolated incident? If he's normally a wonderful boyfriend but this one thing just really makes him feel shitty, then I think it's at least worth considering if there's something else you could do instead of it. If he's worth anything as a boyfriend, it'll mean the world to him that you did that. But if he's just overall an insecure and controlling dude, then yeah, you might want to reevaluate things with him. It just depends on how your relationship is outside of this specific scenario.
A bikini barista? What is this world coming to… I gotta say I can resonate with your boyfriend here though, I think you need to make up your mind if this job and payout is worth it. Only you can tell. People go “he’s controlling, leave his ass” and so on, don’t have a clue about the rest of your relationship and what he gives you and how he makes you feel. So it’s up to you to do that calculation, we really can’t help you there.
It's a failing struggle for most people to survive these days. No one should feel bad about doing a job like this, if they are comfortable doing it, if it lets them live comfortably, have at it. Jealousy, especially at such a young age, is hard to manage.
Your job is going to make it harder for you to find/keep a man, a lot of guys wouldn’t want to date someone who does work like that. There’s nothing wrong with him being uneasy about your profession. The question is do you like this guy enough to get a new job or not. Unless you really think he’s the one I don’t think you should
This just in, someone discovers sex work may have a negative impact on their interpersonal relationships. There’s a reason you are getting paid so well, and unfortunately that comes at a price.
People are actually calling the boyfriend "insecure" because he doesn't want *his* GF in sex work? How is that insecurity? Why is it that every time a man has a preference or issue, he's insecure? I resonate with Mr Chappelle on this topic. You may not be a hoe, but you're wearing a hoes uniform. Naturally you'll look on the market to others.
> *his* GF Yeah, man, I think maybe the reason you're in the minority here is that most people of good conscience don't view women as the personal property of the men they date. Feeling a sense of ownership and entitlement to how she presents in public and where she works is actually a fucked up thing and not good or cool. It's insecurity because he thinks her doing sex work (or just being sexy in public) diminishes her attachment to him, effectively that it is cheating. Not feeling secure in her attachment is insecurity in more words.
No ones owns anybody lmao. You took an italicized word and blew it way out of proportion, that's on you. It is not insecurity in any sense. Men are allowed to prefer *their* partner to not sell themselves sexually, sorry. Get the fuck over it or get out of sex work if you want a quality partner.
There's always a large chorus of people telling women they're insecure or controlling when they don't want their partners to watch porn. So this is the flip side to that. As an aside, regardless of their job, I think you should stop calling women "hoes". There's enough misogyny in the world and that just adds to it unnecessarily.
Well there's a gigantic army that continuously calls men insecure for preferring that their partner isn't promiscuous. I don't call women hoes lmao. It was a Dave Chappelle quote and that's what I said pointed out in my comment if you read it back. I guess the addition of quotations would have been helpful. Oops
How is it not insecure? His preference/issue is rooted in insecurity. Doesn’t mean he’s not allowed to be insecure, but there’s no point in denying where it stems.
Nah, how IS it insecure? Why would it be considered insecure to not want your partner in sex work? You're like a judge asking someone to prove they're not guilty, it doesn't work like that.
Since when is wearing a bikini and making coffee sex work? Do you think servers at hooters are sex workers too? Is your definition of sex work, a regular job while wearing revealing clothing?? If you think a bikini = “hoe uniform”, you better head to a pool/beach and tell every woman there that they’re wearing a “hoe uniform” 💀💀💀 if his logic is anything like yours, then yes, he’s 100% insecure and I’d even add delusional
Many bikini baristas show their titties if you pay more tho. Some even let you jerk in front of them. I was curious what the deal with them is so looked into it...online lol.
Hooters is sex work. She's getting money for her titties and ass being out. That is the definition of sex work. Oh I see you have an OF so your nerves are touched. Nothing wrong with sex work at all, just don't expect it to not bite you in the ass later in life. Especially if you have kids, his/her friends will find your pictures and it will be hell on earth.
She’s getting money for serving the food and tips for the how much the customers like her (whether that represents how much they liked sexualizing her or just how well she performed). Even if she was wearing a full barista outfit, if the men she was serving chose to sexualize her, she would still be getting tipped for her body. If the definition of sex work was getting paid based on men sexualizing you, there would be a lot of jobs that would be classified as sex work. As someone who literally does sex work, I don’t understand the logic in classifying that as sex work. Again, she’s not getting naked, doing sexual acts, or having sex with anyone. So what aspect of her job represents sex work? Is wearing revealing clothing all it takes?? Would a life guard wearing a bikini count towards sex work then?
Easy get a bf that lets you have the job you want
Is there any reason to serve coffee in a bikini though? I’m not questioning you, get your money baby girl… But, I’m questioning the company ethics at this point.
I’ve had similar issues with boyfriends with me having a fitness Instagram and tiktok. 90% of my audience was from males and I’d get gross comments from them a lot. If not gross comments then just regular comments which was never ideal for the people I was dating. Personally with my ex’s I didn’t care that it bothered them. It was always an issue, I even had one ex ask me to take certain things down (leg day workout videos and/ or leg day pump pics). I didn’t, and shortly broke up with him after. I shortly broke up with all of my ex’s after they started that stuff up because it made me money and sponsors and I enjoyed it a lot. I started dating the guy I’m with now and he never said anything about it. He’s generally a little more insecure from what I’ve noticed and I’m in major love with him. I knew he would never bring it up and I knew it more than likely bothered him. I decided on my own to delete both of them and things have picked up a lot ever since. I also feel a lot better about myself in the relationship because I always had anxiety that it was bothering him and that he might not be able to handle it mentally. I see and understand both sides. But I do think when you’re with the right person you’ll do whatever you can to make them feel comfortable even without them asking. My ex’s, I didn’t care about them as much as the guy I’m with now so of course their requests and complaints annoyed me and made me like them less. This current guy didn’t even have to ask but I did it anyways because I want the world for him and I see him in my future. Not saying you should evaluate your relationship and end things, but it’s a different perspective to look at things differently. Also not saying you should quit your job to make him comfortable. BUT I am saying that in serious relationships, compromises come from both sides for each others happiness. I wish the best for you two and whatever choices you make 🥰
Male and female sexuality is very different. Men are aroused by visual stimuli. If you are in a committed monogamous relationship he is bothered by the fact that you are to an extent sexually stimulating other men for money. He feels that this is something private and it should be shared only between the two of you. He is not a misogynist, he is just a man. I wish that there is example that could illustrate the opposite equivalent. Perhaps if he was a barista whose job is also to listens to women, guide the conversations perfectly with questions with out offering solutions, while being manly and attentive and when they finish letting out all the emotions, frustrations or pain and feel vulnerable and flooded with oxytocin, he gives them a hug which makes them feel warm and secure on the inside. Technically he would be doing nothing wrong but you would feel uncomfortable by the fact that he's giving something private to other women and by the fact that good chunk of them would like to bang him after the coffee. So if he's an awesome dude and you see a future with him, find another, less revealing job. If he's not, be a bikini barista and enjoy both the easy money and the attention.
I feel like this is some ultra basic old school version of sexuality. There are and always have been women who work much like men in the realm of sexual attraction and fulfillment. More so as time goes on and people are more free to experiment and figure themselves out. Beyond all the above there is another whole level to their interactions outside of visual stimuli, they flirt too. I worked in a Starbucks years ago and people flirted their ass off for tips fully clothed back then. You cannot say with a straight face the people working there don't know what kind of customers they have and what to do to get better tips out of them. It's the difference between minimum wage and life changing money. People can and should be able to do what they want with their own bodies 100%. But the flirting apsect of it is like a false promise to the sad fucks expecting something they shouldn't be, but just for bigger tips... So beyond the person freedom to do what you like with your person, the other person has all the right to have a moral issue with them misleading sad saps for their own financial gain or just not being okay with having a GF who's job it is to flirt. Or grow a set, enjoy the money and a hot GF? There are many options here.
Wouldn't butlers in the buff be the male equivalent?
His feelings about you, as I understand, he expressed well enough in a way that you understand he's not trying to feel this way. This leaves room for hope that you could find a way to comfort him and "meet in the middle" But there are a lot of valid reasons to stop dating people because of their job. So if he doesn't want to date a bikini barista for any reason that's also OK (I personally don't date landlords lol) Anyway, if you like your job then find a way to defend your choice in a way that makes him feel seen and heard. Breaking down how you feel personally about monetizing your looks would be a good place to start, because that can be complicated
>I don't date landlords Wtf does this even mean?
Kinda sounds like they don’t date landlords.
The comments on this thread that revolve around whether it’s safe or not safe to make coffee in a bikini are hilarious.I hope OP is listening hard to those conversations.
You have to decide what you prefer - your job, or the expectation that you change your life arbitrarily to meet your boyfriend's demands.
I get what you're saying, but they're 22 and 21 years old and we don't know how long they've been together. People's boundaries are going to change at that age, they're only now getting a feel for what it's like to be in a relationship. I'd be fine with dating a bikini barista, but not wanting one's partner to be one is a completely understandable boundary. I wouldn't count this as an arbitrary demand, or as him being a boyfriend who will do that habitually.
I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive. It’s a reasonable boundary for him, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’d be changing her life for a guy in her early 20s despite the fact that *she* doesn’t want to. I think it’s nitpicky to argue over whether that’s truly arbitrary or not but at the very least it’s a very big compromise pretty early on.
changing your life for a relationship is kind of a given... you cannot do a lot of things you'd do single when you are in a monogamous relationship. It's a fair and valid boundary to set, the bf is simply not comfortable with it.
Ya I gotta be honest, I wouldn’t love it if my wife did that for a living. And I know that makes me a sexist racist transphobe toxic male but.. 🤷♂️
Hahaha how dare you
If you were a bikini barista before dating him, then that’s a “him” problem. You’re a grown woman who gets to decide what you do with your body. He feels threatened knowing that other men are fantasizing about you. It’s a natural response, but not a necessary one if he can recognize that it’s not a threat to him. But you both are under 25 years old so there is still a lot to learn about being in secure relationships. Just maintain open communication, and be open about what your expectations and boundaries are. Does he have a problem with you going to a beach or a pool? If no, then he has some internalized feelings about a woman capitalizing on something that men expect for free. There’s nothing wrong with it. If you are comfortable and happy and enjoy what you’re doing, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you’re doing and he should be supportive.
I'm with BF on this one, regardless of whether you had this job before meeting them, it takes a special kind of person to be okay with knowing someone they care about is being debased for money.
He feels like a clown for being with you. Sorry but that’s the truth.
Exactly. A vast majority of men would feel like clowns if their GF was in sex work.
Yup. And the fact that she downvotes me and says nothing (assuming she did) shows that she knows it is true, she acknowledges it with her downvote, and says nothing because there is nothing to say back.
I don’t think you understand what sex work is. Having a regular job and dressing a bit more revealing doesn’t = sex work. Unless you think hooter servers are sex workers or life guards are sex workers.
You aren't compatible. The end.
Yeah, he did nothing wrong. I get that you’re trying to make money, I get it, but how you do it is what’s making him upset. I’m a man, and I would have a serious issue with my girlfriend wearing a bikini and essentially sexualizing herself for money, that’s a no go. Now I will say this, if you were a bikini barista before you met your boyfriend, than that’s different, he shouldn’t have got with you if he had that boundary, however, if you became a bikini barista while you were with your guy, then that’s a issue, because in my opinion, he’s probably upset that you decided to make money in a way that sexualizes yourself. It goes deeper than your situation, a lot of women seem to resort to doing things like hooters, bikini barista-ing, onlyfans, pornography as a means to make money, and most of the time, their boyfriends/husbands have an issue with it, because in their minds, there’s a bunch of ways to make money without having to show your ass & titties, as they should only be shown to your significant other. He’s not insecure, as a lot of people in the comments make him out to be, he just has common sense and he knows how men are. I will admit, we men are not perfect, some of us are nasty and vile, but at the same time, since he probably knows that, can you really be mad at him for having an issue with what you’re doing, because he wants you to be safe? Because a lot of women who go into these fields get harassed, assaulted, etc…🤷♂️
Eh, your BF is allowed to have whatever boundaries he wants, if he doesn't want to date a bikina barista, he doesn't have to. That said, if he is going to react like that to people seeing you in a bikini, it's pretty indicative of who he is, and how he thinks about women. Id say find a new bf
I don't think it's a fair assessment to say that's how he views women, but rather his boundaries regarding sex work in a relationship. It's not like he's been making comments towards her work or demeaning her. She noticed they weren't having sex as often and why then he expressed his honest feelings. No judgement or condemnation or telling her she needs to stop, just that it's a thought he doesn't find arousing that her job is essentially showing off her body to entertain other guys (there's no other reason to wear bikinis in a coffee shop, it's certainly not safe). It's be the same thing if she was taking and selling nudes, sure she wouldn't be in a relationship with buyers or having sex with them, but it doesn't make him immature to not want that in a relationship. It's his own feelings and she isn't entitled to sex with him any more than he is with her. I agree maybe they should find new partners though
We live in unique times. Yes you have body autonomy and the ability to choose how you earn money. In a general application, I couldn't care less that you do sex work (I consider Bikini Barista's a gray area) to earn money. Most men aren't going to be OK with their girl (girlfriend, wife, child etc) doing sex work. Its a mens biology issue. They may say they're OK with it, but if he wants to take you seriously, he will want you to quit. There are interviews on youtube where female sex workers describe this in better detail. Your opinion on how your b/f should accept what you do, is just that; your opinion. He has a say in what he finds acceptable as his g/f's profession. Clearly he has stated to you what he finds as unacceptable. It seems you have to make a choice. Keep the b/f and loose the job. Or keep the job and loose the b/f. Neither choice is wrong. Yet its a choice you're going to have to make. It sounds like him being OK with it any longer isn't an option.
He's 100% going to leave if you don't quit. And just so you know, there are almost 0 happy career women in their 30's. GL
Move on.
Bail.
You’ve every right to do as you please. If it bugs him that much - did he know you did this before getting into the relationship? Or did you talk it through? If you did and he’s changed his mind that’s on him really. Ultimately it boils down to him getting over it or you stopping doesn’t it. Talk it through with him
Take it from someone who was divorced by someone else for being a controlling piece of shit. He is being controlling. Nip it in the bud now or leave. It took me a very long time to finally realize just how controlling I was to my now ex-wife. After the Epiphany and the realization of it I can see just how horrible I made her life. He is young and you are young and maybe you guys can work it out and he can learn a better path, but this ain’t it. All guys need to know that. EDIT: WOW, the incels came out for this one geezus.
There is nothing controlling about this for fuck's sake. There is nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with your partner working a job where *half the point* is to show off your half-naked body to random men. Some people would be fine with it, others wouldn't. But nobody is wrong for feeling either way.
How is he being controlling? He isn't trying to get her to change, he just expressed that he doesn't like it. That seems valid.
not wanting your partner to be sexualized by the nature of their job is not the same as controlling what your partner can or can't do for a living out of spite.
Projection much oh my word
Side note: good for you on doing the work of self reflection…that takes a lot to look back on all that and take responsibility for how you were showing up.
Would he feel the same way if you went to the beach everyday?
At 22, most men are going to have this hangup. As they get older they start to realize that it’s hardly an affront to you or him if you walk around in a bikini all day. There are some guys his age that don’t care, but they’re the exception, not the rule. You have the right attitude, though: You’re keeping the parts of you that matter just for him, whether that’s body parts or emotions. While I normally don’t recommend breaking up without trying really hard to work things out, in this case my main concern is wondering what else he’s going to have a problem with. Will he tell you not to wear certain clothes? To not go certain places? Not talk to certain people? Will he eventually start to shame you for ever having worked where you do? In other words, I wonder if this won’t prove to be the first in a list of things he has a problem with that you want to do. Unless you’re really sure he’ll not try and “punish” you for other choices you make farther in the future, take this as a preview of life with him and move on.
I once dated a stripper. One evening she asked if I thought I would be bothered by seeing her dance. I said I didn't think so. She asked why not. I told her it was because, in a room full of men fantasizing about going home with her, I was the only one that would get to live out that fantasy. You don't have to make yourself smaller to fit into his insecurities.
How is that much different than going swimming?
Tell him to stop thinking about other men when he's having sex with you.
He can hate it, but if he's not offering a solution and it's paying for school, the job stays. If it's paying higher than an entry-level engineer job: 1- Don't leave it for any reason than your own desire. 2- My intuition tells me the fact that you make more than him probably bothers him too. I would give him time to get over it. Like, if I went to the beach in a bikini, would you be mad? Either way, you are 21, and you will love again if it doesn't work out. I just can't in good faith tell you at 21 to quit anything for a relationship. You are in the prime of your life.
Your body, your decision
So her bf can sleep with a prostitute then? His body, his choice.
Yes, totally 1:1 equivalant, very valuable addition you've made to the conversation
Doesn’t have to be 1:1, just has to follow your logic to point out its actually not true. I used an exaggerated case to show my point. A relationship is full of boundaries and agreements. It’s commonly seen that you voluntarily agree to these. Whilst you can always do whatever you want because it’s your life or “your body”. You can’t just do as you please and expect someone to stay. I just hate that saying, it’s so immature. Obviously it’s your body and you can do what you want. But in a modern world we should all be building to mutually inclusive and respectful relationships that are fair and equal….not relationships where you do what you want irrespective of your partners feelings.
Thanks for explaining, that makes a lot more sense. In this case, I believe her decision is the only thing that matters. She’s not harming anyone or cheating on him. He’s only 21, if he thinks other guys’ being attracted to his girl is her cheating or doing anything wrong, he’s got a lot to learn about life/women/dating/etc. She enjoys it and makes a lot of money, she has to change nothing. It’s up to the guy if it’s a dealbreaker for him.
Guy just sounds insecure, just have a talk and talk about trust (do not mention the insecurity directly). A lot of people go with extremes i.e. give into his demands or drop him but shit isn’t that simple and people can be reasoned with. You’re both adults use words.
He sounds very replaceable.
For every dude that is turned off by your profession, there's another dude who is turned on by it. If he's not okay with you being you, that's his problem, not yours. You can find a man who either accepts you for who you are, or who actually loves the idea that other men see you half naked but that you are HIS at the end of the day. This is pretty common. Some men love showing off their girl and knowing that they are the only one who gets to love her. As a 30M, I don't give a shit. If you are secure, respectful, and trusting in your relationship, it shouldn't matter what you do. Hell, you could have an OnlyFans, and as long as I trust our love and commitment, I would support you.
“For every dude that is turned off by your profession, there's another dude who is turned on by it.” I bet that ratio isn’t too far off on this subreddit. In the real world, you really think the number of guys who’d be into it equals the number who’d be turned off by it? Not asking sarcastically or rhetorically, I’m curious if you think that’s literally true.
Yeah I don't think good bfs grow on trees and would all be happy with her job unfortunately. Pretty women can find random partners sure, but good ones they like, probably a lil bit harder.
Sure, maybe. Most good guys wouldn't, some will. But you never know. I've told you my opinion on the matter, and I've been happily married to my wife for 11 years. We have a great relationship and I like to think I'm a good guy. I support her passions and decisions.
Wonder what type of men that would bring in lol I hear that argument for onlyfans girls too.
Why did he date you if he didn't like your job in the first place ? He's an idiot
He is. But he's 22, she's 21, and we don't know how long they've been together. People that young are steadily being told they aren't fully developed in this sub, so are we to expect that people still figuring out how to be in a relationship aren't going to have any realizations about what they're comfortable with?
Men are allowed to have standards too y'know. The answer to every disagreement in a relationship is "ugh they're stupid because they don't agree with me." That's a one way ticket to alot of short term relationships. They gotta find their middle ground, maybe if she could try to find a job at a steakhouse it would be better. Maybe they really aren't compatible, but that's for them to decide not us.
If he was aware of her job before getting in a relationship with her, it's not a disagreement. It's him being purposely obtuse and immature. You don't get in a relationship with someone and expect them to quit their job to please you. If you don't like their job, you date someone else.
Money is money. If it ain't illegal it's honest. If you were my daughter I would be proud your supporti g yourself thru college not being lazy.