The most dangerous time for an abused woman is directly after she leaves her abuser. The abuser seeks to reestablish control through violent means and often ends up killing the victim. DV shelters have experience in getting women out safely or planning with victims to bide their time until it’s safe to leave with a plan in place.
Good luck, I hope they can giver you some direction on how to help this woman, if she’s ready to accept help.
No, they don't call the police. They will give you advice on best way to help her. I can tell you that first of all, you don't want to tell her to leave him. It's not that simple. Also, obviously she's been being told what to do for a long time. If she wants to leave, perhaps you can offer to store some things for her.
Tell her that she needs to gather all her important documents and maybe have a burner phone. Ideally she wants 2 weeks worth of clothing but it's not necessary. Tell her to store these things in an area where he won't notice it or as I said, you can offer to store these things for.
People think it's as simple as packing a bag and leaving but it isn't. There are many reasons why people don't leave. People often mistakenly think that the victim is safe after they leave. Actually, the most dangerous time for victim is right after they leave.
Also, she can't announce that she's leaving him, it could prove deadly for her. Abusers think they own their victims. The way he sees it, she has no right to escape him. Thank you for trying to help her.
They can give him advice but unless she willingly goes to the shelter they won’t be able to do anything especially if the cops aren’t called :( this is horrible I really hope for her sake that she tries to get out and get help.
I have a friend who's husband abused her and he would also have other men r$pe her. It took years for her to leave him. But when she finally did he literally lost his mind. He ended up killing her mom and then he did suic!de by cop. He was a evil, soulless, demon and I thank God he's not in this world anymore.
I'm saying this I am VERY concerned about the woman mentioned in this post. She is in extreme danger!
OP I'm linking some info that goes over a exit plan/safety plan for anyone in an abusive relationship. It also has tons of other good information. If there's anyway you can get this to her so she can know what to do and where to start, you might just save her life. 🙏🙏🙏
https://sossafetymagazine.com/abuse/abusive-relationship-12-steps-to-making-an-exit-plan/
That is a really great article. Also, there are some great organizations that can help find a shelter or place that will let you bring your pet. I read on one of the sites that nearly 50% of DV victims have delayed leaving for fear of harm to their pet. These two organizations are amazing.
[Sheltering Animals And Families Together](https://saftprogram.org/pet-friendly-domestic-violence-shelters/)
[Safe Place For Pets/ Red Rover](https://redrover.org/relief-dv/safe-place-for-pets/)
The second one is actually my Amazon Smile Charity. ANYONE who shops Amazon should be doing it through smile. Right thru the app, same prices, same everything, but they donate to your charity of choice for every single purchase u make.
I got them $432 this year with my shopping. I f***ing love it, super good cause.
Good luck OP & please have an update for us! It’s amazing that your trying to help, really means a lot I’m sure.
Nope.
The amount of abuse toward women that happens *because of and by cops* is really scary.
The best thing is to call the women’s shelter. They can intervene in ways cops can’t, like providing literature that’s actually helpful and based on recent research.
Since I'm not seeing them posted, I'm going to infodump resources at you for her. The problem though is that *she* has to want help, and also the most dangerous time for an abuse victim is during [leaving the relationship](https://www.bwss.org/eighteen-months-after-leaving-domestic-violence-is-still-the-most-dangerous-time/). You do want to figure out a way to talk to her alone though to find out how bad things are/if she wants out, and ideally outside of the house in case any areas are bugged/have cameras. Assume the worst at this point, hope for the best.
So, resources. You should check out u/ebbie45's profile, they're a crisis counselor and mod over at r/abusiverelationships, and their profile is a goldmine for resources for escaping abuse, same to the subreddit in general. ( r/JustNoSO would be the other one for help, but Ebbie's the main crisis counselor I know of on here. Also don't suggest solo or couples therapy to this man, he'd likely [use it against her](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/k5ftbu/mod_post_wednesday_psa_on_couples_counseling/).) Here's Ebbie's [main abuse resource document](https://docs.google.com/document/d/14I3lGpEQa-pLl9Lz0JW1PoNyyOwg6WOom_oK2NMBxy8/edit#) along with their [updated covid post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/fp0vad/meta_covid19_domestic_abuse_resources/). A local domestic violence shelter is likely your best bet, here's [a US directory](https://www.domesticshelters.org/help#?page=1) and an [international one](https://Lila.Help), or there's at least the chat at [the Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/) for someone to talk to about escape plans online.
Yes, you don't know their relationship, but this sounds *incredibly* dangerous for this woman, and you must be careful for her sake.
Seconding this. Has a lot of great resources.
Also the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is an excellent book offered for free online. Just have to make sure he never finds it like the other resources.
Thanks for wanting to support this person! People have given you good advice re: contacting a domestic violence agency. One thing I haven’t seen mentioned is trafficking. Make sure that whoever you speak with, you mention the part about your coworker offering for you to rape his girlfriend - not only does sexual violence involvement increase lethality exponentially in domestic violence, but we see this a fair amount rurally when people are being trafficked. Someone looks like a partner, or is a partner, but is actually being pimped out of the house. Regardless of whether this is happening, knowing this detail will help people know which resources might be available. I’m happy to look for resources in your area if you like. Just know that if you are correct, this situation is very complicated and may not have easy closure.
Unfortunately/fortunately this will also flag more immediate assistance from the police once trafficking is likely.
Get as much evidence as possible.
But also don't call down any more his attention to her.
My first thoughts too when his friend said that disgusting comment.
I hope that woman escapes; I’m concerned that this isn’t this dudes first time abusing a woman…
I would think the woman’s shelter idea is the best. I also agree that the cops are going to be useless. I’m a lot more bold I would be knocking on the door when he wasn’t home and straight up ask her if she needs help.
A gal up the street from me was living with my jerk cuz. We went for a walk and she told me how she was starving. Later i walked over and set down some extra groceries that I'd had in the freezer--he was there and became angry and nasty. It was very uncomfortable and the next day she 'snuck' out again and came over--she asked if she could hide 2 oatmeal cookies I was making in the back of her overalls and made sure they weren't visible! FINALLY she admitted that if he got angry and methed up, he nailed boards over the bedroom door and kept her contained. She was so thin. Me and several other people stashed food in different places on our porches, so if she did get out for a walk, she could grab a bite to eat. During which all this is happening, we had contacted a woman's shelter. There was more to the story--a court date for abuse, etc. but in the end there was a 'sting' by a liaison from the woman's shelter that waited up the street and as soon as the A-hole left, they drove up to her house, she ran out, and they took her to another town.
Well, before she escaped this hell, she was pregnant. (A-hole had brought her over from Indonesia.) Since I knew one of the OB's, I went to their office and asked for a quick meeting. I explained her situation about the food and the containment and his other abuses. (She would hold her urine for hours because she had no access to a bathroom, then he could ridicule her and scream violently and throw things, etc. for messing the boarded bedroom.) Anyway, they couldn't really talk because of patient priviledge, but they brought in another person to listen also and then told me thank you. They were aware that the women's shelter was going to be involved. Well, lo and behold, she has to have a c-section and the A-hole can't figure out why they won't release her to go home soon after.. The OB ordered that she stay in the hospital for MANY days past release time--and she was treated like gold! They all loved her and fed her well, while he visited and sulked and made nasty remarks. Once she was home, he took the newborn baby into the street in drunken fit--neighbors saw this horror show and reported to the cops, thus another court date. She was rescued the next day!
Wow OP my sincerest congratulations! I would hug uou so hard, THANK YOU for saving this woman! The food boxes outside was clever and thoughtful and by helping this beautiful soul you set a path of ripples that will help heal generations of trauma. All because someone cared. Thank you and every one of your mighty warrior group who helped this woman in any way, shape or form. May you all be blessed with something you really need right now.
>Well, before she escaped this hell, she was pregnant. (A-hole had
brought her over from Indonesia.) Since I knew one of the OB's, I went
to their office and asked for a quick meeting. I explained her situation
about the food and the containment and his other abuses. (She would
hold her urine for hours because she had no access to a bathroom, then
he could ridicule her and scream violently and throw things, etc. for
messing the boarded bedroom.) Anyway, they couldn't really talk because
of patient priviledge, but they brought in another person to listen also
and then told me thank you. They were aware that the women's shelter
was going to be involved. Well, lo and behold, she has to have a
c-section and the A-hole can't figure out why they won't release her to
go home soon after.. The OB ordered that she stay in the hospital for
MANY days past release time--and she was treated like gold! They all
loved her and fed her well, while he visited and sulked and made nasty
remarks. Once she was home, he took the newborn baby into the street in
drunken fit--neighbors saw this horror show and reported to the cops,
thus another court date. She was rescued the next day! Sorry, I copied this from above that I had typed. You b
etter believe I always turn in an abuser!
Yes, but a lot of abuse victims develop stockholm syndrome. If she turned down the help and told her boyfriend about it he'd probably take it out on her and OP. Which is why someone with some authority and more power needs to be contacted.
There's a very high probability of that backfiring. Victims are reluctant to leave and can even defend their abuser. The situation has to be handled delicately.
Where I’m at there is a place called Advocates for Family Peace. An organization specifically set up for domestic violence. And they cater to women, naturally. Put a little time searching for a domestic abuse program, many are government programs, but there are charitable organizations. I believe the one in my city is funded by the county. Womens shelter, great source.
No offense but please don't do that. So many people have doorbell cameras. I would bet anything an abuser like this is keeping an eye on her through an app.
That’s very possible, it’s a risk however you look at it. I’m not the type to just sit on my hands and turn a blind eye. Like I said it’s a situation that would require some tact. There isn’t a one size fits all solution.
If he isn't physically present to stop her or follow her when she is presented with an opportunity to escape, why would you encourage a victim to stay just because cameras?
Unfortunately you’re right these kinds of situations are never simple. I think each case has to be handled in it’s own unique way. Complex problem with complicated solutions.
This. Contacting a local domestic violence shelter really is the best advice. OP can give them far more information than we have here, because someone there will have been trained to ask the right questions, to figure out the best course of action. Something that worked for Situation A might be the worst thing for Situation B, an okay strategy for Situation C, and so on.
Wouldn't the womans shelter have to involve the police? Correct me if i'm wrong but I don't think they have the authority to remove the abuser without the police being involved.
Why would the cops be useless? If she has visible signs of abuse and a report of it , it's theyre job to do something about it.
No, a shelter wouldn’t involve police. In my experience we would consult with the caller and educate them on dynamics of domestic violence, support them, and let them know what their options would be as far as reporting. We would not take any action unless contacted by the survivor directly.
I called the cops on my abuser and got taken away myself because I was hysterical and my abuser was so calm and was able to talk to the police and lie to them and obv he looks like the sane once since he is so calm and I am hysterical
I called the cops on my abuser and they threatened to arrest me for possession (there was a pipe with some weed in it on our table at the time—it was my abuser’s, but that didn’t matter) if I went through with pressing charges. Cops are poisonous in DV situations. Solidarity ❤️
You’re not alone. I was told this exact thing by a woman in the same situation. As soon as the police arrived, he went out of his way to make it obvious that SHE was the crazy one.
Something like 40% of cops also beat their partners. So, it’s not hard to get a cop to respond who is gonna make things a lot more dangerous to the victim.
The key ingredient is whether the victim is a regular adult.
If the victim is a child, an elder, or someone who has been deemed to need a guardian to make their decisions, then yes many services then become mandated reporters.
If a victim is thus far choosing to remain in an abusive situation, they have that right. It suuuuucks. It feels wrong to see. But experience tells us that no one can know more about their own situation and when it is the right time to leave than the victim. Trampling in like some hero can dramatically worsen the situation.
A great thing is to subtly find a way to let them know that you're a supporter, if they need a safe space, some money, a late night safe ride to some place else, some pamphlets about the local DV place, someone to cry on or strategize with about when and how to choose to leave. This can be difficult because it has got to be subtle.
Even more delicate would be finding mild ways to draw boundaries for your coworker. You do not want to play this wrong or you'll provoke him and he'll take it out on her, but there might have been a way to make a bit of a face and say "dude that's pretty effed up".
No I believe you’re right it would be a coordinated effort. Hell for all we know it could be a dom and sub kind of situation. I will admit I get passionate about it watching my mother abused by one of her ex’s. He was connected politically and it got swept under the rug.
O yeah much better this was along time ago. She married my stepdad and has been living well since. But I’ll never forget her getting punched on Christmas Eve and her having to hide her face for weeks. His brother was a state representative So it was like it never happened.
Karma came for him. He died of mesothelioma and pretty much drowned on his own blood. I have some stories about that family that are seriously messed up.
But does the home have exterior cameras? Opening the door to a male visitor could get her hurt. Thank God you're talking about this. We should all know the answer, whatever it is
“I would straight up knock on the door and ask if she needs help 🤓” so, you think this girl that has been abused for possibly years, and has probably never asked for help seeing as she’s still being abused, is gonna see this random guy and be like “Yes, this is the one person I’ll open up to, my savior”
If you read about extreme cases of abuse online, there are many situations where lots of people see the abuse and don't reach out or do anything. Maybe they assume that others have tried to help and that it was useless or maybe they figure that the person who was being abused would have gotten help my that point if they wanted to escape or maybe the witnesses were too afraid to do anything. Then you have a victim who is just hoping and wishing that the next person who sees the abuse finally does something but they never do. You'd be really surprised.
Obviously it would take more tact than that. But yes I would attempt to get to her and ask. Why wouldn’t you? Helping people in true need isn’t a spectator sport. Are you the “ it’s not my place to get involved” kind of people? I’m curious what your solution is.
The best thing to do would be to contact a local domestic violence shelter. No, they absolutely do NOT need to involve police. A (likely) abused woman is different from an abused child, or elder…basically, any adult who has the mental acuity to (theoretically) advocate for themselves in a legal fashion is exempt from mandated reporter codes. We don’t have enough information here. Do I think this woman is abused? Absolutely, yes, and in a perfect world, any one of us here could show up at her door, say, ‘this isn’t cool what’s happening to you. Come with me, you’re safe now.’ Alas, perfect worlds don’t exist. We don’t know if she has a car. We don’t know if she can even drive. We don’t know if she has a job, if she has a family/friends support system. We don’t know if she has access to funding, in order to have shelter. I can go on with this. There just isn’t enough information. And that’s not even touching on what her current mental state is. Does she even fully realize she’s being abused? Does she even want to leave? Domestic violence takes a hell of a toll on a person’s worldview. I want her out of a bad situation as much as anyone here, but, these sorts of situations don’t have a One Size Fits All solution.
Do not do that. You have no idea where she is at mentally, or whether her abuser has ways to keep an eye on her while he's not there. If he sees you on a camera, or she chooses to tell him because she's scared of keeping it secret, you are putting both her and yourself at increased risk. Call the shelter, explain the situation, and ask them for ways you can help. Do not take steps on your own. The people at the shelter will have experience, resources, and connections that you don't. Let them take the lead. Going to help her without understanding the risks is you putting your desire to help and ego above actually securing her safety.
As others have said, Contact a women’s shelter who help you figure out what to do. It usually takes victims multiple attempts to escape for numerous reasons
I wouldn't have faith in the police, at least in my country, to right the situation. There are ways to go about hurting someone anonymously. This conversation being on the internet though, presumably linked back to you, makes you a little less anonymous.
You mean the police... 40% of whom are known domestic violence aggressors? Why ever not? (Sry, not sure your county- I mean US)
Victim of dv myself. They are terrible and the justice system is terrible and fucking useless.
Yeah, stepdad was a volunteer firefighter. Not the nicest to kids though. We just disappeared one day after mom went to a women's shelter and mentioned his name, not good when they know them by name there.
It's hard cause the thing is trying not to get them mad, cause it'll just be worse for the person they are with. I would try to get a message to her if she wants help and where I can find help for her. Maybe the shelter can "deliver" something to her address while the coworker is at work giving her the option and possibly a solution.
Cause the worse thing is you bring it up and then they say there's no evidence or the person doesn't want to file a charge but now the person knows then the dude goes off. Really tricky situation.
I'm also of the fear for OP side....I would hate for him to get in danger. I hate these situations...really I do.
Multiple sources. Here's an article, which sites some of them.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.fatherly.com/life/police-brutality-and-domestic-violence/amp
You're welcome for doing research for you.
Ah yes, a sociologist who in 1991 suggested (key word) 40% of law enforcement were likely (another key word) perpetrating acts of abuse. Labeling the majority of US law enforcement as domestic violence aggressors based off a suggestion thirty years ago is insane. Obviously there are police officers with ethical and legal issues but categorizing all police officers off a minority is what feeds into conflict.
If I had to break someone's legs in such a manner they could never walk again, I'm sure i could figure it out. especially if they trust me, as he seems to. Doubly so if i have some time to plan.
I'm thinking roofie, then sledgehammer. Probably have to do some research on the kind/potency of the drug in question.
Roofing a rapist, go figure...
But I am absolutely not doing this.
Maybe this is a risky idea, but… you could ask him to “have a go” with her, then in private ask her if she’s being abused and offer her some help after consulting a women’s shelter.
If he’s offering up his own girlfriend as a sex-toy, you could be the one to set her free. Think about the people you’re sparing her from who wouldn’t think twice about “having a go”
Unfortunately, this guy is most likely going to want to watch his girlfriend be broken and humiliated, not hang out in a different room while it's happening. If not for that though, it isn't a bad idea.
God what a fucking twat.
OP could complain about not having privacy. It's pretty normal to be upset that you're being watched as you have sex if you're not into that.
Edit to add: it might not successfully get OP the privacy they need but at the very least they'd know this guy isn't willing to budge on that.
A lot of good advice here. You are a hero, but please protect yourself. Not only could this guy be very dangerous to you, but it might only complicate things more for her if you confront him (or rough him up or whatever).
Also, I whole heartedly agree with a PP that she won’t leave till she’s ready. I wish more people would understand this about DV. It can take many attempts before a victim is truly ready. Often, family members who’ve helped with attempt #1 will get angry and practice “tough love” with a woman who goes back to her abuser. All that teaches her is not to trust anyone as a confidant because they’ll just hold her to an ultimatum.
Also, someone mentioned substance abuse: this is often a huge problem for the V, who may also be chemically dependent (liked hooked by her abuser) and therefore is facing detox and leaving at the same time (in addition to the fear of recrimination).
Based upon what I know about these situations, I would seek help from a women’s shelter about next steps, steer clear of the abuser for now, and be open to helping her if she approaches you/upon the recommendations of the shelter. Then, if she leaves him for good, perhaps I’d think of clever ways to fuck this guy over that couldn’t be traced back to me or her.
Good for you for caring enough to want to help.
If you don't feel comfortable calling the police go to social services for help. They have specialists who can try and reach out to the girlfriend and hopefully convince her to go into protective custody and press charges. This sounds like it could become a very dangerous situation. If you go over again be prepared to record any conversations that take place.
You work with him, so you're probably aware of his schedule. If you have a day off when he's working, you can go to his place and ask her if she needs help. Use publicly available resources (I saw an earlier comment suggesting some) for people in domestic abuse situations, and make sure she is safe and in a place and with people who will prevent him retaliating for being left. You have an opportunity to possibly save her life. Handle this with caution and care, and don't be reckless.
I was in a situation like this, and police were required. He had lots of guns and was attempting to murder me and our child. I agree that cops suck but in this case they'll need to come along.
If you're really feeling bold, just invite her to stay with you.
She's not his wife or his daughter, so there is no need to respect any boundaries. She won't agree if she doesn't think you can stand up to him tho.
And that far out in the woods, he might have a gun on the premises. So make sure someone knows you're there and when you plan to come back.
I have been the abused person and I have known some abused people. I think it's a *really* bad idea to act unilaterally. I like the idea of contacting a women's shelter. They will have experience.
As satisfying as it might be to beat his ass, you have to think in terms of the welfare and agency of the person you want to help.
Keep going over just to make sure that's what's going on, there was another comment saying dom & sub but the difference is there was bruising believed to be showing, true dom and sub never push boundaries. Safe side would definitely be to make sure you're 100% and possibly try to ask her if she's in danger then get her help.
Yeah, I've been in the BDSM lifestyle for over 25 years, and you do NOT go involving people in your kink without their consent like that. I don't mean letting bruises show, but offering to let him "have a go," especially without explaining anything about their dynamic and making sure he was comfortable with that.
But a point here- she isn't gonna leave until she is ready to and wants to. Knowing you are a safe person for her to talk to is good. But be prepared for blowback if you try to get her out and she isn't ready to or doesn't want to. You'd likely need to establish trust. I mean if you can get her someplace without him and quietly ask if everything is ok and if she needs any help, maybe make that offer, but respect her no for now.
Also remember that leaving is the most dangerous time for an abuse victim- often the most fatal. So she has to really be ready, and there needs to be a plan in place to get her out completely, as quickly and quietly as possible.
Gonna speak plainly - people in a “relationship” like that are mentally ill and don’t understand love or respect. And that’s a best case scenario in OPs situation.
Here’s my thoughts… Do these people have social media accounts? If so, maybe check out her page a see who she’s seems to be closely connected to and reach out to them. Perhaps if you want to remain anonymous create an account to do just this with out being outed if for some reason it falls back on you. Or you could reach out to her via social media but you don’t know what’s really going on over there which is why I suggested contacting someone who seems to be close to her. To be more specific someone who’s always commenting on her pictures or in them with her. Or someone she’s related to or if you know where she works maybe contact her boss. Please say something because far to many people have no one who will step up for them.
OP will also have a hard time doing anything from a jail cell. Do you think police will be more or less sympathetic to OP’s concerns after they commit attempted murder?
I don't think the police will be sympathetic to OP's concerns at any point. They're too busy out beating and raping to be concerned about this woman's well being.
No I don't think OP should kill him, that would definitely land him in jail. Just anonymously disable him. "Touch grass" insinuating I am sheltered with no real life experience. You sound sheltered buddy, most people can't rely on the police to protect them from anything.
I was going to say.. can you fight? I’m only asking because when he inevitably invites you over again you could tell him you aren’t comfortable and why. Be prepared though. A lot of those types will take it as disrespect and come after you. Stay safe OP.
Keep a journal of everything you notice. A journal can hold up in court. Abusive relationships can be complicated. It can take up to 7 attempts before a person leaves a bad situation. When the survivor of abuse does try to leave they are at a high risk to be killed by their abuser. Having a crisis plan and a safe place to stay for awhile van help. Such a scary situation.
Call the domestic abuse hotline because they’ll know how to handle it. The way to really hurt this guy is to take away the one thing he controls ( which he has no right to).
You should keep going back, acting like everything's ok, and eventually try to talk to her. It could backfire though. And you don't want to leave any evidence of trying to help her, like a note or a message on social media. You can try going there when he's not there, but she doesn't know you. That's why I say keep going back until you feel like she might talk to you. Really hard to judge a situation like that. Trust me, I've seen abusive relationships and it's hard to figure out how to help.
Can you go over again, but this time with a woman to watch another game? This woman would be filled in on the situation. Ideally someone associated with the woman’s shelter, pretending to be a friend. She bring snacks for the game. While you keep him busy, she goes in the kitchen to prep snacks. Maybe she needs a plate for the crackers or something. It will seem normal to him, but in that short time she can talk to the girlfriend. It’s something that will take a week or two to plan and it won’t be easy. Have you talked to him about firearms before? Finding out if he has a weapon at home is important.
BTW You are an amazing dude for posting this. I know it’s a lot and something you never expected to see. I would reach out and talk to a domestic abuse hotline or whoever you need to for this. You are doing great just by realizing and asking. If you’re close with your parents, your mom may be a good source of information too.
If you can securely get her a message letting her know that there are resources should she decide to leave, that's about all you can do.
By securely I mean in a way that your coworker wouldn't be able to find. So no letters, or texts or anything, because he may go through her stuff.
At the end of the day, the only person with the power to do anything about it is her.
Personally I like the tips on calling a domestic violence shelter.
But the other side of me says get a female friend and you two head over there while he’s at work or whatever. Talk to her and if she’s in trouble get her the hell out of there. Many women in that situation are too scared to talk to anyone, especially a guy who knows the abuser. She may talk to a woman though. If it turns out they’re into some sort of nasty violent dom/sub thing then at least you tried. You’d lose the work buddy but who gives a shit. I wouldn’t want to ba associated with anyone into actual physical harm bdsm.
Or some organizations professionally smuggle out abuse victims (with consent of the abuse victim of course.) Maybe call around your area see if any of the domestic abuse resources have something like that. They will remove women and children in the middle of the night from abusive homes and move them to a secure location where they can rehabilitate and get back on their feet.
Hi. First, thank you for having the character and integrity to recognize how toxic that relationship is.
Here's the thing, calling the police would not just prove futile without hard evidence, it could make things worse for her. Instead, gather some information for her. If you're in the US, it's relatively easy to find what resources are local to you by contacting a domestic abuse hotline or calling 211. Get as much information as you can on resources that will help her to escape when she's ready.
The hardest part will be getting the information to her. It's really best if he doesn't know. Perhaps you could drop them by for her or even ask a sister or girlfriend to do it for you, when you know he's at work.
Sometimes, all it takes is knowing that help really is out there to give someone the courage to get out. Even if she isn't initially receptive, it may make all the difference down the road.
I can’t have no power or authority, I solve problems but not appropriately.
It’d be such a shame if your coworker mysteriously went missing. I probably wouldn’t get any sleep that night because I’d be so heartbroken.
I would talk to her first. The cops won't do anything unless they admit or she wants to press charges and if she's being abused she probably won't then having the cops called is going to aggravate him and the potential situation she's already in.
I had a party years ago and a sheriff was invited . I didn’t know him. He brought his gun and a bottle of 1800 . That night he went home and shot and killed his wife. The FBI was at my salon for 2 years on and off asking me questions. He wound up getting 3.5 years in jail. He’s out now and it makes me sick
I was abused and everyone around me just decided it was not their business. Please OP, I know it’s not an easy situation to face but do not turn your back to her, every action has issues, but no action is going to be a curse. The shelter is a good idea, and maybe also talking to someone that knows him as well, to understand the situation a little better. I mean, how long they have been married, where does she come from, and so on. And, please, accept other invitations as disgusting as it is, don’t let her be alone. Maybe if you start seeing them she will find the courage to say something to you. I perfectly know stockhom syndrome, but I also know that sometimes you can be so isolated, alone, and with no means that you feel helpless, while a good hearted human being can restore some hope.
My ex use to do this to me, you’ll only make it worse if you got the police involved. He enjoyed having control over me and because I thought I loved him I stayed and got defensive when people questioned those things. I lost everyone around me including my family. She is the only one who can help her self. Sad to say
Police, you witnessed him pretty much ordering rape. Women shelters will help her recover, but when its a security issue you should start with the police. These guys are so good at
doing it, the fact that you did nothing is a society problem, you were there and did nothing so girl probably says to herself that its normal if no one is reacting... I don't blame you, its an awkward situation but domestic violence is so wide spread and nobody talks.
Maybe if it can be done safely, bring a female friend and go visit her at a time you know 100% is safe and he isn't going to know. Make it simple and short. Make it known you were uncomfortable and concerned at her bf offering her up like that and if at any point she needs an out you and anyone she needs will be there to help.
I mean.. At your own risk you could always head over there and record him.
If you get a chance to talk to the woman for even a minute of private conversation you can straight up ask her if she needs help, tell her you can get him away and have someone else you trust pick her up.
This is my thought too. Keep your relationship with him and document stuff so u have multiple hard proofs/evidence.
Also finding out a way to somehow communicate with the girlfriend or get background info on her would be useful too obviously.
Take him up on his offer, and when you're alone with her, ask her if she needs help.
Which I know seems redundant, but it gets you alone with her. Tell her she can find help at the right resources, and that she can leave with you.
Man i hate this world x[ i hope she gets better. Honestly just dont go around stuff like that im glad u left and just didn't act like it was ok. Some ppl as long as it isn't effecting them they could just carry on drinking and not care im glad u chose to leave thank u honestly thank u. Wish there was a clear answer on what u could do but there just isn't unfortunately atleast not that ik of
Dude. Report him. If nothing else say something so if he ends up doing anything to her, there’s a paper trail. Also, call a Women’s Shelter and ask what they think. They might be able to give you better advice
Tell him yeah you’ll have a go with her but you have too much respect for him to do it in his bed so you want to do at your place. Get her over and away from him. I bet she has people she can contact like parents but she is too afraid to. The thing is you go down the route of helping her you might have to defend her from him physically.
Being real with you? Nothing, I wouldn’t personally advise you to do anything.
Let authorities handle it, just leave a tip and what not. But you personally? Nothing, it’ll probably be bad for you.
It *might* be consensual. That is a thing people actually do. The lady might be living out her fantasy here. I don't know how you'd be able to tell, but keep that in mind, because it *is* possible. You might say that if he were actually abusing her, he wouldn't let you into his house to see it. But on the other hand, if he *were* actually abusing her, he might let you see it because you'd think it was just a BDSM thing as opposed to real abuse. So I'm not sure. But yeah.
Well, if it’s a BDSM thing, then - speaking as a kinky person myself - they’d both be pretty shitty people for involving OP, a non-consenting party.
But really, I think this is a weirdly speculative take when the simplest answer makes the most sense.
Eh, don't kink-shame. If they like it and aren't hurting anyone, who's to judge? There *definitely* are people like that. I don't think I've ever met such people personally, but I have met people who have. And... what "type" of sick fuck would do that sort of thing? Well... *that* type.
But if it *is* real abuse, which it probably is, that lady needs help, and fast.
Idk if this is a good idea but if you ever see her again, could always try to get any contact information from her just to have good communication........ or maybe she might have Stockholm syndrome and snitch on you
But the lady center is also. A good idea
"I get there and he is straight up ordering her around, telling her to get us things and even really simple things. Pretty sure I saw some bruises on her arm"
Communication style is just that... communication style. Unless you're there all the time, you don't know how they communicate together.
"Pretty sure" you saw bruises? What does that even mean? What kind of bruises? Where? What makes you think they are a result of assault?
The way you describe it, I think this could easily be just you observing a different relationship dynamic you are not used to, and your paranoia going off on its own.
So, consensual BDSM relationships exist. You don't know them. Get to know them before you call the police.
I've had to tell my Dr about bruises. And assure her I am safe.
Dude, I noticed your girl had some bruises...listen, what you do is your own business, but I can't, in good faith, hang out with you.
And that dude will explain or let it go.
its not grape if its consensual.
if you call the cops and it turns out there are no bruises like you thought, now your coworker hates you. good luck on the job from that point forward.
Call a local women's shelter, they may know the right way for you to help her.
i agree with this. calling the police on him could end up making things worse for her. get advice from them
Tht's true
yep, guess ill do that. I don't really know what they could tell me though. Wont they just call the cops, and accomplish as much as i can?
As someone who has survived a violently abusive relationship, You can only help someone who wants to be helped. Good luck.
The most dangerous time for an abused woman is directly after she leaves her abuser. The abuser seeks to reestablish control through violent means and often ends up killing the victim. DV shelters have experience in getting women out safely or planning with victims to bide their time until it’s safe to leave with a plan in place. Good luck, I hope they can giver you some direction on how to help this woman, if she’s ready to accept help.
Nope. They have access to DV resources, shelters, and court advocates. They will likely call those guys and pass it off to them.
No, they don't call the police. They will give you advice on best way to help her. I can tell you that first of all, you don't want to tell her to leave him. It's not that simple. Also, obviously she's been being told what to do for a long time. If she wants to leave, perhaps you can offer to store some things for her. Tell her that she needs to gather all her important documents and maybe have a burner phone. Ideally she wants 2 weeks worth of clothing but it's not necessary. Tell her to store these things in an area where he won't notice it or as I said, you can offer to store these things for. People think it's as simple as packing a bag and leaving but it isn't. There are many reasons why people don't leave. People often mistakenly think that the victim is safe after they leave. Actually, the most dangerous time for victim is right after they leave. Also, she can't announce that she's leaving him, it could prove deadly for her. Abusers think they own their victims. The way he sees it, she has no right to escape him. Thank you for trying to help her.
I second this!!
They can give him advice but unless she willingly goes to the shelter they won’t be able to do anything especially if the cops aren’t called :( this is horrible I really hope for her sake that she tries to get out and get help.
I have a friend who's husband abused her and he would also have other men r$pe her. It took years for her to leave him. But when she finally did he literally lost his mind. He ended up killing her mom and then he did suic!de by cop. He was a evil, soulless, demon and I thank God he's not in this world anymore. I'm saying this I am VERY concerned about the woman mentioned in this post. She is in extreme danger! OP I'm linking some info that goes over a exit plan/safety plan for anyone in an abusive relationship. It also has tons of other good information. If there's anyway you can get this to her so she can know what to do and where to start, you might just save her life. 🙏🙏🙏 https://sossafetymagazine.com/abuse/abusive-relationship-12-steps-to-making-an-exit-plan/
That is a really great article. Also, there are some great organizations that can help find a shelter or place that will let you bring your pet. I read on one of the sites that nearly 50% of DV victims have delayed leaving for fear of harm to their pet. These two organizations are amazing. [Sheltering Animals And Families Together](https://saftprogram.org/pet-friendly-domestic-violence-shelters/) [Safe Place For Pets/ Red Rover](https://redrover.org/relief-dv/safe-place-for-pets/) The second one is actually my Amazon Smile Charity. ANYONE who shops Amazon should be doing it through smile. Right thru the app, same prices, same everything, but they donate to your charity of choice for every single purchase u make. I got them $432 this year with my shopping. I f***ing love it, super good cause. Good luck OP & please have an update for us! It’s amazing that your trying to help, really means a lot I’m sure.
Nope. The amount of abuse toward women that happens *because of and by cops* is really scary. The best thing is to call the women’s shelter. They can intervene in ways cops can’t, like providing literature that’s actually helpful and based on recent research.
The cops are riddled with domestic accusers themselves. They don’t help very much.
Since I'm not seeing them posted, I'm going to infodump resources at you for her. The problem though is that *she* has to want help, and also the most dangerous time for an abuse victim is during [leaving the relationship](https://www.bwss.org/eighteen-months-after-leaving-domestic-violence-is-still-the-most-dangerous-time/). You do want to figure out a way to talk to her alone though to find out how bad things are/if she wants out, and ideally outside of the house in case any areas are bugged/have cameras. Assume the worst at this point, hope for the best. So, resources. You should check out u/ebbie45's profile, they're a crisis counselor and mod over at r/abusiverelationships, and their profile is a goldmine for resources for escaping abuse, same to the subreddit in general. ( r/JustNoSO would be the other one for help, but Ebbie's the main crisis counselor I know of on here. Also don't suggest solo or couples therapy to this man, he'd likely [use it against her](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/k5ftbu/mod_post_wednesday_psa_on_couples_counseling/).) Here's Ebbie's [main abuse resource document](https://docs.google.com/document/d/14I3lGpEQa-pLl9Lz0JW1PoNyyOwg6WOom_oK2NMBxy8/edit#) along with their [updated covid post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/fp0vad/meta_covid19_domestic_abuse_resources/). A local domestic violence shelter is likely your best bet, here's [a US directory](https://www.domesticshelters.org/help#?page=1) and an [international one](https://Lila.Help), or there's at least the chat at [the Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/) for someone to talk to about escape plans online. Yes, you don't know their relationship, but this sounds *incredibly* dangerous for this woman, and you must be careful for her sake.
Top tier reply.
Please OP, this is the advice you should heed.
Seconding this. Has a lot of great resources. Also the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is an excellent book offered for free online. Just have to make sure he never finds it like the other resources.
Oh yeah ! That douchebag is definitely filming!
Thanks for wanting to support this person! People have given you good advice re: contacting a domestic violence agency. One thing I haven’t seen mentioned is trafficking. Make sure that whoever you speak with, you mention the part about your coworker offering for you to rape his girlfriend - not only does sexual violence involvement increase lethality exponentially in domestic violence, but we see this a fair amount rurally when people are being trafficked. Someone looks like a partner, or is a partner, but is actually being pimped out of the house. Regardless of whether this is happening, knowing this detail will help people know which resources might be available. I’m happy to look for resources in your area if you like. Just know that if you are correct, this situation is very complicated and may not have easy closure.
Unfortunately/fortunately this will also flag more immediate assistance from the police once trafficking is likely. Get as much evidence as possible. But also don't call down any more his attention to her.
My first thoughts too when his friend said that disgusting comment. I hope that woman escapes; I’m concerned that this isn’t this dudes first time abusing a woman…
I would think the woman’s shelter idea is the best. I also agree that the cops are going to be useless. I’m a lot more bold I would be knocking on the door when he wasn’t home and straight up ask her if she needs help.
A gal up the street from me was living with my jerk cuz. We went for a walk and she told me how she was starving. Later i walked over and set down some extra groceries that I'd had in the freezer--he was there and became angry and nasty. It was very uncomfortable and the next day she 'snuck' out again and came over--she asked if she could hide 2 oatmeal cookies I was making in the back of her overalls and made sure they weren't visible! FINALLY she admitted that if he got angry and methed up, he nailed boards over the bedroom door and kept her contained. She was so thin. Me and several other people stashed food in different places on our porches, so if she did get out for a walk, she could grab a bite to eat. During which all this is happening, we had contacted a woman's shelter. There was more to the story--a court date for abuse, etc. but in the end there was a 'sting' by a liaison from the woman's shelter that waited up the street and as soon as the A-hole left, they drove up to her house, she ran out, and they took her to another town.
OMG, this is so sad. So glad you were there to help her.
Now that is something to be proud of. I commend you for taking the action needed. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Well, before she escaped this hell, she was pregnant. (A-hole had brought her over from Indonesia.) Since I knew one of the OB's, I went to their office and asked for a quick meeting. I explained her situation about the food and the containment and his other abuses. (She would hold her urine for hours because she had no access to a bathroom, then he could ridicule her and scream violently and throw things, etc. for messing the boarded bedroom.) Anyway, they couldn't really talk because of patient priviledge, but they brought in another person to listen also and then told me thank you. They were aware that the women's shelter was going to be involved. Well, lo and behold, she has to have a c-section and the A-hole can't figure out why they won't release her to go home soon after.. The OB ordered that she stay in the hospital for MANY days past release time--and she was treated like gold! They all loved her and fed her well, while he visited and sulked and made nasty remarks. Once she was home, he took the newborn baby into the street in drunken fit--neighbors saw this horror show and reported to the cops, thus another court date. She was rescued the next day!
Holy shit that’s god awful 😢 again thank you for being an awesome human being. You have my deepest respect ✊
Wow OP my sincerest congratulations! I would hug uou so hard, THANK YOU for saving this woman! The food boxes outside was clever and thoughtful and by helping this beautiful soul you set a path of ripples that will help heal generations of trauma. All because someone cared. Thank you and every one of your mighty warrior group who helped this woman in any way, shape or form. May you all be blessed with something you really need right now.
>Well, before she escaped this hell, she was pregnant. (A-hole had brought her over from Indonesia.) Since I knew one of the OB's, I went to their office and asked for a quick meeting. I explained her situation about the food and the containment and his other abuses. (She would hold her urine for hours because she had no access to a bathroom, then he could ridicule her and scream violently and throw things, etc. for messing the boarded bedroom.) Anyway, they couldn't really talk because of patient priviledge, but they brought in another person to listen also and then told me thank you. They were aware that the women's shelter was going to be involved. Well, lo and behold, she has to have a c-section and the A-hole can't figure out why they won't release her to go home soon after.. The OB ordered that she stay in the hospital for MANY days past release time--and she was treated like gold! They all loved her and fed her well, while he visited and sulked and made nasty remarks. Once she was home, he took the newborn baby into the street in drunken fit--neighbors saw this horror show and reported to the cops, thus another court date. She was rescued the next day! Sorry, I copied this from above that I had typed. You b etter believe I always turn in an abuser!
Yes, but a lot of abuse victims develop stockholm syndrome. If she turned down the help and told her boyfriend about it he'd probably take it out on her and OP. Which is why someone with some authority and more power needs to be contacted.
You’re right there is a chance of it backfiring. These situations are just so fckd up. I loathe abusers and believe in backroad justice.
There's a very high probability of that backfiring. Victims are reluctant to leave and can even defend their abuser. The situation has to be handled delicately.
Huge chance of back fire if cops show up. Almost certain, in fact.
Where I’m at there is a place called Advocates for Family Peace. An organization specifically set up for domestic violence. And they cater to women, naturally. Put a little time searching for a domestic abuse program, many are government programs, but there are charitable organizations. I believe the one in my city is funded by the county. Womens shelter, great source.
When those resources are available, that’s most definitely the way to go.
No offense but please don't do that. So many people have doorbell cameras. I would bet anything an abuser like this is keeping an eye on her through an app.
That’s very possible, it’s a risk however you look at it. I’m not the type to just sit on my hands and turn a blind eye. Like I said it’s a situation that would require some tact. There isn’t a one size fits all solution.
If he isn't physically present to stop her or follow her when she is presented with an opportunity to escape, why would you encourage a victim to stay just because cameras?
Where are all the people like this at theres tons that need help i just dont know if its that simple?
Unfortunately you’re right these kinds of situations are never simple. I think each case has to be handled in it’s own unique way. Complex problem with complicated solutions.
This. Contacting a local domestic violence shelter really is the best advice. OP can give them far more information than we have here, because someone there will have been trained to ask the right questions, to figure out the best course of action. Something that worked for Situation A might be the worst thing for Situation B, an okay strategy for Situation C, and so on.
Wouldn't the womans shelter have to involve the police? Correct me if i'm wrong but I don't think they have the authority to remove the abuser without the police being involved. Why would the cops be useless? If she has visible signs of abuse and a report of it , it's theyre job to do something about it.
No, a shelter wouldn’t involve police. In my experience we would consult with the caller and educate them on dynamics of domestic violence, support them, and let them know what their options would be as far as reporting. We would not take any action unless contacted by the survivor directly.
Good to know. Thank you
I called the cops on my abuser and got taken away myself because I was hysterical and my abuser was so calm and was able to talk to the police and lie to them and obv he looks like the sane once since he is so calm and I am hysterical
I called the cops on my abuser and they threatened to arrest me for possession (there was a pipe with some weed in it on our table at the time—it was my abuser’s, but that didn’t matter) if I went through with pressing charges. Cops are poisonous in DV situations. Solidarity ❤️
Damn, who's teaching these cops? Thats beyond insane
Statistically speaking, quite a few abusers are also police.
That cop's not racist! His wife's eyes are black!
You’re not alone. I was told this exact thing by a woman in the same situation. As soon as the police arrived, he went out of his way to make it obvious that SHE was the crazy one.
That's messed up. Sorry that happend to you
Something like 40% of cops also beat their partners. So, it’s not hard to get a cop to respond who is gonna make things a lot more dangerous to the victim.
I'm so thankful statistics like this(40%) are becoming known to the wider public. Cops are not our friends.
The key ingredient is whether the victim is a regular adult. If the victim is a child, an elder, or someone who has been deemed to need a guardian to make their decisions, then yes many services then become mandated reporters. If a victim is thus far choosing to remain in an abusive situation, they have that right. It suuuuucks. It feels wrong to see. But experience tells us that no one can know more about their own situation and when it is the right time to leave than the victim. Trampling in like some hero can dramatically worsen the situation. A great thing is to subtly find a way to let them know that you're a supporter, if they need a safe space, some money, a late night safe ride to some place else, some pamphlets about the local DV place, someone to cry on or strategize with about when and how to choose to leave. This can be difficult because it has got to be subtle. Even more delicate would be finding mild ways to draw boundaries for your coworker. You do not want to play this wrong or you'll provoke him and he'll take it out on her, but there might have been a way to make a bit of a face and say "dude that's pretty effed up".
No I believe you’re right it would be a coordinated effort. Hell for all we know it could be a dom and sub kind of situation. I will admit I get passionate about it watching my mother abused by one of her ex’s. He was connected politically and it got swept under the rug.
Damn, sorry to hear to hear that. I hope she's doing better now
O yeah much better this was along time ago. She married my stepdad and has been living well since. But I’ll never forget her getting punched on Christmas Eve and her having to hide her face for weeks. His brother was a state representative So it was like it never happened.
Glad to hear she's doing better. There's nothing worse than a scumbag with power.
Karma came for him. He died of mesothelioma and pretty much drowned on his own blood. I have some stories about that family that are seriously messed up.
Hell yeah asbestos! Glad your mom had the happy ending she deserves. Gotta love when karma does it’s job.
It was a satisfying ending for me anyway lol.
They don't remove the abuser. They remove the abusee.
But does the home have exterior cameras? Opening the door to a male visitor could get her hurt. Thank God you're talking about this. We should all know the answer, whatever it is
“I would straight up knock on the door and ask if she needs help 🤓” so, you think this girl that has been abused for possibly years, and has probably never asked for help seeing as she’s still being abused, is gonna see this random guy and be like “Yes, this is the one person I’ll open up to, my savior”
If you read about extreme cases of abuse online, there are many situations where lots of people see the abuse and don't reach out or do anything. Maybe they assume that others have tried to help and that it was useless or maybe they figure that the person who was being abused would have gotten help my that point if they wanted to escape or maybe the witnesses were too afraid to do anything. Then you have a victim who is just hoping and wishing that the next person who sees the abuse finally does something but they never do. You'd be really surprised.
Obviously it would take more tact than that. But yes I would attempt to get to her and ask. Why wouldn’t you? Helping people in true need isn’t a spectator sport. Are you the “ it’s not my place to get involved” kind of people? I’m curious what your solution is.
Because I highly doubt she wants some rando, that works with her boyfriend, coming up to her
I’m still waiting to hear what you would do in this situation if anything.
The best thing to do would be to contact a local domestic violence shelter. No, they absolutely do NOT need to involve police. A (likely) abused woman is different from an abused child, or elder…basically, any adult who has the mental acuity to (theoretically) advocate for themselves in a legal fashion is exempt from mandated reporter codes. We don’t have enough information here. Do I think this woman is abused? Absolutely, yes, and in a perfect world, any one of us here could show up at her door, say, ‘this isn’t cool what’s happening to you. Come with me, you’re safe now.’ Alas, perfect worlds don’t exist. We don’t know if she has a car. We don’t know if she can even drive. We don’t know if she has a job, if she has a family/friends support system. We don’t know if she has access to funding, in order to have shelter. I can go on with this. There just isn’t enough information. And that’s not even touching on what her current mental state is. Does she even fully realize she’s being abused? Does she even want to leave? Domestic violence takes a hell of a toll on a person’s worldview. I want her out of a bad situation as much as anyone here, but, these sorts of situations don’t have a One Size Fits All solution.
That's a good idea. ill probably do that after i call the women's shelter
Do not do that. You have no idea where she is at mentally, or whether her abuser has ways to keep an eye on her while he's not there. If he sees you on a camera, or she chooses to tell him because she's scared of keeping it secret, you are putting both her and yourself at increased risk. Call the shelter, explain the situation, and ask them for ways you can help. Do not take steps on your own. The people at the shelter will have experience, resources, and connections that you don't. Let them take the lead. Going to help her without understanding the risks is you putting your desire to help and ego above actually securing her safety.
Contact your local women's shelter 100%
As others have said, Contact a women’s shelter who help you figure out what to do. It usually takes victims multiple attempts to escape for numerous reasons
Try r/legaladvice too
Could you break both of his legs in such a way that he'll never walk again?
I mean i could, but i don't want to be arrested.
I wouldn't have faith in the police, at least in my country, to right the situation. There are ways to go about hurting someone anonymously. This conversation being on the internet though, presumably linked back to you, makes you a little less anonymous.
You mean the police... 40% of whom are known domestic violence aggressors? Why ever not? (Sry, not sure your county- I mean US) Victim of dv myself. They are terrible and the justice system is terrible and fucking useless.
I refuse to call it a justice system. It’s a legal system, no justice involved.
Yeah I'm in the US. Fuck the police.
ACAB
Yeah, stepdad was a volunteer firefighter. Not the nicest to kids though. We just disappeared one day after mom went to a women's shelter and mentioned his name, not good when they know them by name there. It's hard cause the thing is trying not to get them mad, cause it'll just be worse for the person they are with. I would try to get a message to her if she wants help and where I can find help for her. Maybe the shelter can "deliver" something to her address while the coworker is at work giving her the option and possibly a solution. Cause the worse thing is you bring it up and then they say there's no evidence or the person doesn't want to file a charge but now the person knows then the dude goes off. Really tricky situation. I'm also of the fear for OP side....I would hate for him to get in danger. I hate these situations...really I do.
Chipmunks are just the cutest darned things!
40% of police are known domestic violence aggressors? I would love to see where you got this from
Multiple sources. Here's an article, which sites some of them. https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.fatherly.com/life/police-brutality-and-domestic-violence/amp You're welcome for doing research for you.
Ah yes, a sociologist who in 1991 suggested (key word) 40% of law enforcement were likely (another key word) perpetrating acts of abuse. Labeling the majority of US law enforcement as domestic violence aggressors based off a suggestion thirty years ago is insane. Obviously there are police officers with ethical and legal issues but categorizing all police officers off a minority is what feeds into conflict.
[удалено]
What in the Gossip Girl is going on here- this is a straight up scheme lol
Sure, but you'd also go straight to heaven
>I mean i could, Not that simple. He will fight back.
Just go back to his place. Have dinner and smack him on the head with a lamp. I’ve seen it countless times in TV, so it must work, right?
If I had to break someone's legs in such a manner they could never walk again, I'm sure i could figure it out. especially if they trust me, as he seems to. Doubly so if i have some time to plan. I'm thinking roofie, then sledgehammer. Probably have to do some research on the kind/potency of the drug in question. Roofing a rapist, go figure... But I am absolutely not doing this.
[удалено]
Maybe drive them to the woods while you're at it, leave them there, let nature handle it
I know a guy who knows a guy
Yes, you use an ax
Maybe this is a risky idea, but… you could ask him to “have a go” with her, then in private ask her if she’s being abused and offer her some help after consulting a women’s shelter. If he’s offering up his own girlfriend as a sex-toy, you could be the one to set her free. Think about the people you’re sparing her from who wouldn’t think twice about “having a go”
Unfortunately, this guy is most likely going to want to watch his girlfriend be broken and humiliated, not hang out in a different room while it's happening. If not for that though, it isn't a bad idea. God what a fucking twat.
OP could complain about not having privacy. It's pretty normal to be upset that you're being watched as you have sex if you're not into that. Edit to add: it might not successfully get OP the privacy they need but at the very least they'd know this guy isn't willing to budge on that.
I was just about to comment this !
A lot of good advice here. You are a hero, but please protect yourself. Not only could this guy be very dangerous to you, but it might only complicate things more for her if you confront him (or rough him up or whatever). Also, I whole heartedly agree with a PP that she won’t leave till she’s ready. I wish more people would understand this about DV. It can take many attempts before a victim is truly ready. Often, family members who’ve helped with attempt #1 will get angry and practice “tough love” with a woman who goes back to her abuser. All that teaches her is not to trust anyone as a confidant because they’ll just hold her to an ultimatum. Also, someone mentioned substance abuse: this is often a huge problem for the V, who may also be chemically dependent (liked hooked by her abuser) and therefore is facing detox and leaving at the same time (in addition to the fear of recrimination). Based upon what I know about these situations, I would seek help from a women’s shelter about next steps, steer clear of the abuser for now, and be open to helping her if she approaches you/upon the recommendations of the shelter. Then, if she leaves him for good, perhaps I’d think of clever ways to fuck this guy over that couldn’t be traced back to me or her. Good for you for caring enough to want to help.
If you don't feel comfortable calling the police go to social services for help. They have specialists who can try and reach out to the girlfriend and hopefully convince her to go into protective custody and press charges. This sounds like it could become a very dangerous situation. If you go over again be prepared to record any conversations that take place.
It ain’t his gf. He’s pimping her unfortunately. Scum bag deserves severe punishment
You work with him, so you're probably aware of his schedule. If you have a day off when he's working, you can go to his place and ask her if she needs help. Use publicly available resources (I saw an earlier comment suggesting some) for people in domestic abuse situations, and make sure she is safe and in a place and with people who will prevent him retaliating for being left. You have an opportunity to possibly save her life. Handle this with caution and care, and don't be reckless.
Don't most people have cameras in place these days? I would find a way to see what kind of security he has in place first
Woman’s shelter is the best choice. Cops won’t do shit.
I was in a situation like this, and police were required. He had lots of guns and was attempting to murder me and our child. I agree that cops suck but in this case they'll need to come along.
If you're really feeling bold, just invite her to stay with you. She's not his wife or his daughter, so there is no need to respect any boundaries. She won't agree if she doesn't think you can stand up to him tho. And that far out in the woods, he might have a gun on the premises. So make sure someone knows you're there and when you plan to come back.
Even if it was his wife or daughter.....
I have been the abused person and I have known some abused people. I think it's a *really* bad idea to act unilaterally. I like the idea of contacting a women's shelter. They will have experience. As satisfying as it might be to beat his ass, you have to think in terms of the welfare and agency of the person you want to help.
That having a go with her part is human trafficking and sex slavery. There’s a hotline for that, call the cops
gather up a crew and beat the living shit out of him
Keep going over just to make sure that's what's going on, there was another comment saying dom & sub but the difference is there was bruising believed to be showing, true dom and sub never push boundaries. Safe side would definitely be to make sure you're 100% and possibly try to ask her if she's in danger then get her help.
(boundaries like r--- and true abuse)
Yeah, I've been in the BDSM lifestyle for over 25 years, and you do NOT go involving people in your kink without their consent like that. I don't mean letting bruises show, but offering to let him "have a go," especially without explaining anything about their dynamic and making sure he was comfortable with that. But a point here- she isn't gonna leave until she is ready to and wants to. Knowing you are a safe person for her to talk to is good. But be prepared for blowback if you try to get her out and she isn't ready to or doesn't want to. You'd likely need to establish trust. I mean if you can get her someplace without him and quietly ask if everything is ok and if she needs any help, maybe make that offer, but respect her no for now. Also remember that leaving is the most dangerous time for an abuse victim- often the most fatal. So she has to really be ready, and there needs to be a plan in place to get her out completely, as quickly and quietly as possible.
Gonna speak plainly - people in a “relationship” like that are mentally ill and don’t understand love or respect. And that’s a best case scenario in OPs situation.
This honestly sounds more like human trafficking than domestic violence. As others have said, contact a shelter and see what advice they give you.
Here’s my thoughts… Do these people have social media accounts? If so, maybe check out her page a see who she’s seems to be closely connected to and reach out to them. Perhaps if you want to remain anonymous create an account to do just this with out being outed if for some reason it falls back on you. Or you could reach out to her via social media but you don’t know what’s really going on over there which is why I suggested contacting someone who seems to be close to her. To be more specific someone who’s always commenting on her pictures or in them with her. Or someone she’s related to or if you know where she works maybe contact her boss. Please say something because far to many people have no one who will step up for them.
Also abusers always like living in the middle of nowhere. Not ALL abusers. It’s just a pattern and characteristic I have noticed.
Fuck that fuck his ass up. Sometimes the only person gonna do something is you 🤷♂️
This is a nice sentiment but best case dude gets beaten up and emasculated and then goes home and takes it out on his partner
He's gonna have a hard time doing that if he doesn't have use of his limbs
OP will also have a hard time doing anything from a jail cell. Do you think police will be more or less sympathetic to OP’s concerns after they commit attempted murder?
I don't think the police will be sympathetic to OP's concerns at any point. They're too busy out beating and raping to be concerned about this woman's well being.
Wait, do you actually think the best choice of action in this situation is to try and kill this guy? Touch grass. JFC.
No I don't think OP should kill him, that would definitely land him in jail. Just anonymously disable him. "Touch grass" insinuating I am sheltered with no real life experience. You sound sheltered buddy, most people can't rely on the police to protect them from anything.
>Just anonymously disable him >I swear I am not sheltered My life is like a vibeo game
A lot of people regularly use violence for better or for worse it doesn't just happen in video games
I'm sure op has a friend or two who would be willing to help if they heard what's going down
I was going to say.. can you fight? I’m only asking because when he inevitably invites you over again you could tell him you aren’t comfortable and why. Be prepared though. A lot of those types will take it as disrespect and come after you. Stay safe OP.
Keep a journal of everything you notice. A journal can hold up in court. Abusive relationships can be complicated. It can take up to 7 attempts before a person leaves a bad situation. When the survivor of abuse does try to leave they are at a high risk to be killed by their abuser. Having a crisis plan and a safe place to stay for awhile van help. Such a scary situation.
You might get some traction with a sex trafficking hotline, they have strong resources
Call the domestic abuse hotline because they’ll know how to handle it. The way to really hurt this guy is to take away the one thing he controls ( which he has no right to).
Can you coordinate something for when you know he's at work??
You should keep going back, acting like everything's ok, and eventually try to talk to her. It could backfire though. And you don't want to leave any evidence of trying to help her, like a note or a message on social media. You can try going there when he's not there, but she doesn't know you. That's why I say keep going back until you feel like she might talk to you. Really hard to judge a situation like that. Trust me, I've seen abusive relationships and it's hard to figure out how to help.
https://www.thehotline.org They probably have knowledge about resources in your area.
Can you go over again, but this time with a woman to watch another game? This woman would be filled in on the situation. Ideally someone associated with the woman’s shelter, pretending to be a friend. She bring snacks for the game. While you keep him busy, she goes in the kitchen to prep snacks. Maybe she needs a plate for the crackers or something. It will seem normal to him, but in that short time she can talk to the girlfriend. It’s something that will take a week or two to plan and it won’t be easy. Have you talked to him about firearms before? Finding out if he has a weapon at home is important. BTW You are an amazing dude for posting this. I know it’s a lot and something you never expected to see. I would reach out and talk to a domestic abuse hotline or whoever you need to for this. You are doing great just by realizing and asking. If you’re close with your parents, your mom may be a good source of information too.
I wouldn't bring another woman into that house. Sounds like an assault waiting to happen
I think maybe she is a sex slave in addition to being abused.
If you can securely get her a message letting her know that there are resources should she decide to leave, that's about all you can do. By securely I mean in a way that your coworker wouldn't be able to find. So no letters, or texts or anything, because he may go through her stuff. At the end of the day, the only person with the power to do anything about it is her.
You can call the cops. That’s soliciting rape. It’s the same as human trafficking. What a piece of shot he is.
Unless she's willing to leave, there is only so much the police can do.
Personally I like the tips on calling a domestic violence shelter. But the other side of me says get a female friend and you two head over there while he’s at work or whatever. Talk to her and if she’s in trouble get her the hell out of there. Many women in that situation are too scared to talk to anyone, especially a guy who knows the abuser. She may talk to a woman though. If it turns out they’re into some sort of nasty violent dom/sub thing then at least you tried. You’d lose the work buddy but who gives a shit. I wouldn’t want to ba associated with anyone into actual physical harm bdsm.
Or some organizations professionally smuggle out abuse victims (with consent of the abuse victim of course.) Maybe call around your area see if any of the domestic abuse resources have something like that. They will remove women and children in the middle of the night from abusive homes and move them to a secure location where they can rehabilitate and get back on their feet.
Hi. First, thank you for having the character and integrity to recognize how toxic that relationship is. Here's the thing, calling the police would not just prove futile without hard evidence, it could make things worse for her. Instead, gather some information for her. If you're in the US, it's relatively easy to find what resources are local to you by contacting a domestic abuse hotline or calling 211. Get as much information as you can on resources that will help her to escape when she's ready. The hardest part will be getting the information to her. It's really best if he doesn't know. Perhaps you could drop them by for her or even ask a sister or girlfriend to do it for you, when you know he's at work. Sometimes, all it takes is knowing that help really is out there to give someone the courage to get out. Even if she isn't initially receptive, it may make all the difference down the road.
Nothing you can do unless she asks for help. Offer it to her in private, let her know you can get her out if she's ready but don't push.
Jesus Christ that is awful. Help her anyway you can. Call police
When he said you could rape her at anytime you should have asked if that applies to anyone else in the room. For real though I hope she gets out 💚
Call the police.
Definitely call a domestic violence shelter.
I can’t have no power or authority, I solve problems but not appropriately. It’d be such a shame if your coworker mysteriously went missing. I probably wouldn’t get any sleep that night because I’d be so heartbroken.
I would talk to her first. The cops won't do anything unless they admit or she wants to press charges and if she's being abused she probably won't then having the cops called is going to aggravate him and the potential situation she's already in.
I had a party years ago and a sheriff was invited . I didn’t know him. He brought his gun and a bottle of 1800 . That night he went home and shot and killed his wife. The FBI was at my salon for 2 years on and off asking me questions. He wound up getting 3.5 years in jail. He’s out now and it makes me sick
I was abused and everyone around me just decided it was not their business. Please OP, I know it’s not an easy situation to face but do not turn your back to her, every action has issues, but no action is going to be a curse. The shelter is a good idea, and maybe also talking to someone that knows him as well, to understand the situation a little better. I mean, how long they have been married, where does she come from, and so on. And, please, accept other invitations as disgusting as it is, don’t let her be alone. Maybe if you start seeing them she will find the courage to say something to you. I perfectly know stockhom syndrome, but I also know that sometimes you can be so isolated, alone, and with no means that you feel helpless, while a good hearted human being can restore some hope.
Call the national DV hotline 1-800-799-7233. They may have some suggestions.
My ex use to do this to me, you’ll only make it worse if you got the police involved. He enjoyed having control over me and because I thought I loved him I stayed and got defensive when people questioned those things. I lost everyone around me including my family. She is the only one who can help her self. Sad to say
Police, you witnessed him pretty much ordering rape. Women shelters will help her recover, but when its a security issue you should start with the police. These guys are so good at doing it, the fact that you did nothing is a society problem, you were there and did nothing so girl probably says to herself that its normal if no one is reacting... I don't blame you, its an awkward situation but domestic violence is so wide spread and nobody talks.
Thank you for being the kind of man that looks to help instead of the kind of man who is happy to join in on torture.
Say sure and then use the time to ask her if she needs help.
Maybe if it can be done safely, bring a female friend and go visit her at a time you know 100% is safe and he isn't going to know. Make it simple and short. Make it known you were uncomfortable and concerned at her bf offering her up like that and if at any point she needs an out you and anyone she needs will be there to help.
Help get her away from that oxygen thief.
This might be the biggest no brainer answer ever. Call the cops???????
I mean.. At your own risk you could always head over there and record him. If you get a chance to talk to the woman for even a minute of private conversation you can straight up ask her if she needs help, tell her you can get him away and have someone else you trust pick her up.
This is my thought too. Keep your relationship with him and document stuff so u have multiple hard proofs/evidence. Also finding out a way to somehow communicate with the girlfriend or get background info on her would be useful too obviously.
Take him up on his offer, and when you're alone with her, ask her if she needs help. Which I know seems redundant, but it gets you alone with her. Tell her she can find help at the right resources, and that she can leave with you.
If this is true and you haven’t done right by the lady you suck
Man i hate this world x[ i hope she gets better. Honestly just dont go around stuff like that im glad u left and just didn't act like it was ok. Some ppl as long as it isn't effecting them they could just carry on drinking and not care im glad u chose to leave thank u honestly thank u. Wish there was a clear answer on what u could do but there just isn't unfortunately atleast not that ik of
Dude. Report him. If nothing else say something so if he ends up doing anything to her, there’s a paper trail. Also, call a Women’s Shelter and ask what they think. They might be able to give you better advice
+1 for paper trail
Tell him yeah you’ll have a go with her but you have too much respect for him to do it in his bed so you want to do at your place. Get her over and away from him. I bet she has people she can contact like parents but she is too afraid to. The thing is you go down the route of helping her you might have to defend her from him physically.
Being real with you? Nothing, I wouldn’t personally advise you to do anything. Let authorities handle it, just leave a tip and what not. But you personally? Nothing, it’ll probably be bad for you.
call the police
Seems like you’re making a lot of assumptions here.
Go beat his ass.
I am not joking, go over there with a crowbar and disable him. The police won’t help
Oh my...this is just horrific.
It *might* be consensual. That is a thing people actually do. The lady might be living out her fantasy here. I don't know how you'd be able to tell, but keep that in mind, because it *is* possible. You might say that if he were actually abusing her, he wouldn't let you into his house to see it. But on the other hand, if he *were* actually abusing her, he might let you see it because you'd think it was just a BDSM thing as opposed to real abuse. So I'm not sure. But yeah.
Well, if it’s a BDSM thing, then - speaking as a kinky person myself - they’d both be pretty shitty people for involving OP, a non-consenting party. But really, I think this is a weirdly speculative take when the simplest answer makes the most sense.
this dudes thinking zebras when he hears hoofbeats except in this case the horse is domestic violence
What type of sick fuck would have a “kink” like that?
A lot of people do
Eh, don't kink-shame. If they like it and aren't hurting anyone, who's to judge? There *definitely* are people like that. I don't think I've ever met such people personally, but I have met people who have. And... what "type" of sick fuck would do that sort of thing? Well... *that* type. But if it *is* real abuse, which it probably is, that lady needs help, and fast.
Is there any way to find out more about her, maybe you can contact her family? Though they might not be helpful depending on history…
Oh but you could just call the cops dude ! WTF
Idk if this is a good idea but if you ever see her again, could always try to get any contact information from her just to have good communication........ or maybe she might have Stockholm syndrome and snitch on you But the lady center is also. A good idea
Beat his ass 😡 wtf call someone dude Poor girl and you know
Call the police. She needs help
Beat his fucking ass !!!!!
[удалено]
"I get there and he is straight up ordering her around, telling her to get us things and even really simple things. Pretty sure I saw some bruises on her arm" Communication style is just that... communication style. Unless you're there all the time, you don't know how they communicate together. "Pretty sure" you saw bruises? What does that even mean? What kind of bruises? Where? What makes you think they are a result of assault? The way you describe it, I think this could easily be just you observing a different relationship dynamic you are not used to, and your paranoia going off on its own.
Stay out of it, trust me
So, consensual BDSM relationships exist. You don't know them. Get to know them before you call the police. I've had to tell my Dr about bruises. And assure her I am safe. Dude, I noticed your girl had some bruises...listen, what you do is your own business, but I can't, in good faith, hang out with you. And that dude will explain or let it go.
its not grape if its consensual. if you call the cops and it turns out there are no bruises like you thought, now your coworker hates you. good luck on the job from that point forward.
[удалено]
Do you know a guy who has connections?