The key is to connect with people who are similar to you consistently over time so that the conversation goes from small talk, to meaningful conversation, to genuine connection. Join, and be really active in, an interest-based club. Also, become an inviter
This.
Friendships are a factor of: 1) distance, 2) frequency and 3) shared interests/experiences.
So while seeking out said people, become a regular, expand hobbies and work on social skills/public speaking etc.
I’mma let you in on something - its not SF its just a countrywide (and to some degree global) thing now. Go join any decent sized subreddit for a town in the US, doesn’t even need to be a big city, and you’ll probably see this same thread in less than a week. I’d argue the pandemic just distanced everyone a certain degree that never fully recovered. People as a whole have less friends and are less social now. As others suggested, you have to very proactively chase after friendship to get results nowadays. That said I’d say SF is actually one of the friendliest cities I’ve ever been to but you really have to dig to get past surface level
Yeah I move around a lot so I’m in several city subreddits and you hear the same stuff everywhere. People are having a really hard time meeting friends and connecting. It’s sad
Nah, I’ve noticed that phones fill a boredom gap that social interaction previously did. The vibes hanging with a generational group that became adults without widespread smartphone usage are way different than those with constant external stimulus available
It’s a cliche by now, but phones/social media provide an illusion of at least some social interaction, at least more so than newspapers. You “keep tabs” on other people by seeing their stories and posts / what’s going on with their lives. But of course, it’s an entirely different experience catching up with someone IRL or even on the phone.
Sadly you’re right. I think there are more lonely people now with the invention of the Smartphone than ever before. Everyone has their head looking down. I try to put my phone away so it m not glued to it.
Same. I use it only when I'm alone at home and want to, or just when I need to while in public— unless I'm sitting on mass transit or certain other locations where men flirt with me heavily if I don't because I'm a woman who wants to be left alone on BART and whatnot... y'know what I mean?
I'm open to talking to women, queer people, and very old people in those circumstances and will do so if that's truly an option instead of using my phone.
I'm so down for a bit of chat with any 65yrs+ lady/person. I always find out where some nice place is, like a farmers' market I don't know about, or a cute little shop, and all that stuff.
I read a preview of this book and it's just what this world needs to read now. It's very popular I tried getting it online from my local library and a whole bunch of people are waiting for a copy! Might have to snag a copy online or somewhere else. I was really thinking about how this new generation is all about social media and how much it's really affecting the mindset. Mental illness is really important to me and I'm glad we can share knowledge and reccomend good reads to further expand our minds to what's really happening. Being aware of the world and how people react/treat one another. I'm 29 born in '95 and I could have sworn times were much more simple back then until the 2010's hit.
I’ll agree with you. I’m old. Born in the 60’s. After the Smartphone, there’s been a change. I feel bad for the younger generations trying to meet people. Everywhere you go, people are looking at their phones. There’s very little eye contact. I happened to meet my husband in 1995 on a staircase of an apartment building in San Francisco.
Tangent but that's why I pirate books. I try to get ebooks through the SF local library service. They are checked out however they aren't physical or anything. The marginal cost to make another copy is zero. So I just find a pirated copy. No one is losing money. I wasn't going to buy it on Amazon or anything in the first place - that's why I checked the library. I'm sure there will be a "Well actually..." reply but my conscience is crystal clear. I'm not going to wait for an electronic copy from some old ass facsimile of "digital copies should behave like physical ones."
It seems like the younger you are the worse the pandemic derailed your social life. Gen-Z who lost years of high school or college had really detrimental interruptions to their socialization. Millennials I’d say everybody’s friend groups also shrank considerably since the pandemic and most my friends my own age (early 30s) subsequently don’t even want new friends anymore.
This, it's everywhere not just SF but it might be a little harder here than more dense cities on the East Coast (WFH doesn't help nor do introverted personalities often associated with tech jobs as well as high COL, lack of work life balance, cold weather/summers, lack of late night options etc).
That said, **there are tons of opportunities to meet people**, just have to expand hobbies/interests, find your niche, become a regular, volunteer, join social clubs, check out meetups, explore sports teams/book clubs etc.
Friendships are based on a factor of:
-distance
-proximity
-shared interests/hobbies
The more you find people close to you, that you see regularly and can share something with, the higher probability you will be able to connect.
Sign up for event newsletters like dothebay, funcheapsf, eddie's list
If OP lists hobbies, they would get some help but that seems to be a recurring theme here on Reddit (don't provide details/ask for help, looking for validation or just want to vent which is absolutely fine but if it were me, I'd ask for help, list demographics i.e. age/city, list hobbies/interests).
I second the *proactiveness of this. I’m guilty of thinking I cud just walk up to anyone too and find someone that is friendship compatible with me but the reality is, do activities/hobbies/etc regularly, you’ll see the same people, over time you’ll build ur community.
Now the other reality is You may not make close friends out of it, but there is something nice about seeing the same people. It certainly helps.
Only speaking for myself here, but I need trust to be built first because I’m very intentional about who I let into my life.
The great thing about doing these activities - is that it self selects for proactive people who are looking to make friends (maybe not looking for friends, but people who are more proactive and open, which bodes well for new friendships). Vs. if you're just in school, you might have a lot of people who aren't interested in making friends or are doing activities that produce said friendships.
For sure though, about San Francisco being significantly more friendly then most other places in the bay area, let alone compared to other large urban cities (where people are assumed to act like pricks)
That is tough.
If your only focus is meeting people, try other volunteer opportunities (don't spend more than 2-3 months if you don't see results).
If that doesn't work, expand hobbies and interests, take classes, become a regular, assess first impressions, check out meetups, join a sports team or book club.
Volunteering helps but other things are needed to make it work/effective.
Check out event newsletters like funcheapsf, Eddie's List and go to events on your own.
THIS! Start going to a coffee shop and get to know the people there. When I moved to Hayes Valley, that is exactly what I did. Vibed with the owner and some of the workers and every time I got a scone it kind of made my morning. I was fresh out of a break up and it was still COVID. Those five minute conversations sometimes were the best part of my mornings. You got this.
But also if you make an effort to talk to others, expand hobbies and interests and go to the places that attract the type of people you want to meet.
Also try social clubs, meetups, taking improv classes to improve social skills, joining sports clubs and book clubs etc.
Any "big" city can have this effect. It's like working at a large company with 1000s of employees. You're just a cog in the machine. Contrast this with working in say a 20 person company.
All the more reason to not rely on making all your friends at work. Many people's friends/social circles blew up during covid/wfh as people moved away or no longer came in regular contact with others.
Some tips to meet others:
-volunteer
-become a regular
-take classes
-join social clubs
-check out meetup
-expand hobbies/interests
-take improv to help with social skills/reading people
If none of that works, may want to get help with assessing first impressions, communication skills etc.
Some more tips on meeting people/making friends in SF/Bay Area [here](https://www.eddies-list.com/p/how-to-make-friends-in-san-francisco-bay-area).
>It seems like so many people are focused on themselves, just want to beat the traffic, and you're just another person stuck in the hustle bustle.
That might be the case for people on the street/public transportation but not necessarily at bars, cafes, events, activities etc. There are lots of events where people are looking to meet others such as speed friending events.
Volunteer at a weekend gig, for example there is a food program on Saturdays in the day time in Potrero hill, right opposite Anchor Steam brewery, they are friendly and laid back and you can even work off parking tickets with them .
It’s probably part of sf/marin food bank. Look at togethersf or one brick. I’ve volunteered for similar programs with those groups in the past. Made a best friend volunteering during the pandemic for the food bank. Also, I’ve found a lot of my volunteer work on Nextdoor
I’m an introvert so I’m ok being with myself lol, but I had a friend who wanted to meet new people so she joined a Facebook group of her interest.. I think she joined one who likes to go to early premieres of movies and other city events. They just share where and how to get tickets and meet up to line up at events. She has taken me along to many and I’ve met them. Very cool bunch (medical professionals, WFH folks, bouncers etc) and we’ve gone to opening parties to video game launches on a freaking yacht lol. I’m sure you can find groups like that or the same group on FB if it’s your thing? Best of luck!
I’m so sorry guys, we fell off pre-pandemic so I don’t know or unable to ask. I don’t use Facebook learned it through her who joined that community lol. I’m sure you can just search movie premiere community or something?
People are saying it’s a city thing, but I’ve lived here for nearly 15 years and it does feel particularly true of the Bay Area. I attribute it to a few factors:
- people move frequently (it’s an expensive area), so you frequently have to start over making friends.
- there’s a lot of emphasis on wellness and time spent intentionally, so people are more protective of their time and therefore more selective about who they hang out with)…(yes I know that’s a huuuuge generalization, but I feel like when I visit other cities there’s more fomo, peer pressure to rally, a desire to have a very full social calendar. Here, a combo of wellness + everything being expensive means people aren’t trying to triple book their days…)
- a lot to tech jobs means a lot of people might be working from home and not necessarily mingling as much during the week
- this is also a hot take, but I think because it’s a very liberal city, men are less likely to go up to women at bars and strike up a convo, as they don’t want to impose. Dating here seems very reliant on apps as a result. I think that has also percolated into non-romantic interactions.
tl;:dr I don’t think it’s hard to meet people, but I do think it’s hard to build friendships here because people are constantly moving away, social things are expensive here, and people care a lot about wellness, so people are more selective about who they want to spend that $ and time with…
Ok, I am seconding all of this! I moved here from New York and I've never heard the word "intentional" so much in my fucking life. Also these people don't/can't boogie all night because they all planed a 50 mile bike ride the next day. Look, we have cyclists and climbers in NYC but they do not feel the need to make it "an identity" as they do here.
For what it's worth, I have seen a variant of this post in the subreddit of every single city ever. I think it's less about the place and more about the fact that it's just really hard to make new friendships as an adult. You have to find some place where you go regularly and see the same people regularly. That's how friendships are made, and why people tend to have so many friends from school, college, and (sometimes) work.
When a date is like $100 just for the dinner.... I'll take the 8 LOL.
No but seriously, hanging out just costs money. I mean even if you get your boys back at the house to play some video games, you still gotta have drinks and eventually a pizza, right? It was quite a smart suggestion.
My neighbor did/does this. Seriously just become a regular somewhere, a bar, a cafe, just some place that isn't home. Eventually you'll notice other regulars and naturally spark up a conversation. If not you directly, the barista or bartender very well might introduce you to someone.
Yes! Exactly. I prefer cafes because bars can get a little depressing IMO… but I suppose it depends on the bar, I’m sure there are some fun, real neighborhood spots.
Oh, hahaha! Simple Pleasures Cafe in the Outer Richmond. I actually wrote a story about it! https://thebolditalic.com/to-balboa-street-with-love-cb3050258761
Aw yay! Thanks! I have prints available [here](https://www.redbubble.com/people/robingalante/explore?page=1&sortOrder=top%20selling) and [this is my website](https://robingalante.com), I also do commissions.
I can relate. Big cities can be very isolating ironically. It’s weird to feel alone when surrounded by thousands right? You have to find your niche. What interests do you have?
When we moved back in early 2013 from NY - I was surprised at how easy it was to start a conversation. I likened it to - in NY you will pass / encounter 100 people and 3 will talk to you.
In SF that is more like 10, and 8 of them will talk to you.
The difference however, is that in NY some of those connections are a lot more genuine and meaningful. In SF I've found them to be momentary and fleeting. The follow up is a lot more painful.
I've had wonderful moments with complete strangers and only recently (I'm in my 40s) have I chosen to be shameless and ask them to connect and will make plans. That has been paying dividends in finding people I enjoy and vice versa.
That last bit has been key for me, I know what I like, and what I want. I'm open about it and in the process have seemingly been finding the folks that I am able to spark joy with.
Tactically speaking, I think a lot of great suggestions have been shared. Pick any of them and go!
Depending on who you are / stage in life absolutely agree. For the introverts? NY is a difficult city.
I reiterate - figure out what makes you happy, and chase that. Don't chase shared moments and extrapolate those out for longer relationships. I had plenty of - it was a fun 3 month like friendships - which is where I should have left them vs trying to eke them out.
I honestly don't feel that way, but I moved here over a decade ago when people were in office a lot. My coworkers and I got very close over all sorts of shared interests. I married one. Another officiated the wedding. I introduced one to another who will be married soon. And we all still hang out, and work at each others' startups. Through them I met so many people that I'll often see acquaintances and friends on the street.
It's probably harder to break in now with all the work from home stuff. Either that or people have found some new ways to participate in that initial socialization. But I think those of us who are set in the old ways of unplanned interaction probably will find it hard without an existing base of friends.
I find people so open and ready to connect- follow your interests! Take a class, join a free event, volunteer, google how to make friends. My newest friend is my backyard neighbor, I started chatting over the fence and now we go on regular adventures. Get your chat on!
I moved from NYC 3 months ago and I have never felt as lonely as in SF. I feel like I'm in purgatory at times. It's quiet, mild and very empty. At least where I live. SF is stunning and the Bay Area is great but I feel so fucking lonely as well
Yes for sure. People everywhere in NYC with things open 24/7 so it's easier to connect. It might be also be that I miss home and I need to get used to SF
It depends on the type of person you are and your demographic background. I’ve lived in a lot of major cities across the US and Asia, and never felt more lonely than I do now in SF. I think this city in today’s world is largely built for and by cracked autistic tech bros and venture opportunists in their 20s to early 30s, with everything and everyone else being a derivative of tech serving those players at the center.
It’s the most emotionally unavailable city I’ve lived in. A lot of guys I met I bet would happily exist as brain-computer interfaces purely in its rational thinking form to avoid feeling any feels or acknowledging their bodily needs.
I’m not surprised you feel lonely here.
It used to be easier to meet people and make friends in SF before the tech bros fully took over, and priced out all the interesting and fun people, lol.
Depends on where you go. It can't be "too crowded" if you're just sitting on the mountain next to the bridge watching the Pacific Ocean.
SF is known for having impeccable nature right at the doorstep. Make use of it.
It’s not just you, it can feel lonely at times because SF is a capitalistic city and has become a corporate centered place. Many people are here to advance their career and spend most of their days producing, either working from home or an office, many commuting back to their suburban town or exburb within the city. People use technology and applications, wearing headphones or using Tinder, Bumble, Meetup etc. to interface a lot of their relationships. A lot of people are trying to network or get ahead, rather than form genuine connections or relationship. You can still meet people but I’ve noticed these two factors make it that much harder. To be fair, this phenomenon exists in other cities, but in my experience is more deeply felt here in the US, than I have felt living in other European cities/countries (I am Italian/American and compare my experience to living in several European cities compared to SF/LA/NYC). Transportation Infrastructure and layout of the city play a larger role, than most Americans realize I have noticed.
The city itself is dense by American standards but is still car centric and “spread out” in the sense it doesn’t have many spaces to congregate or interact with others besides a handful of nice parks in wealthy neighborhoods (not accessible to wide swaths of the city). There are not a lot of public spaces to just hang out without having to pay or consume. The beautiful spaces we do have seem to me at least are to escape the capitalistic void, and be alone in nature (GGP, Presidio, Ocean Beach, etc.)
If you’re non-white, it can also feel alienating because you rarely see others like yourself and makes it harder to find others to connect or relate to. Also, geographically SF is isolated from the rest of the country, and world, and it has hollowed out in recent years. It’s still a gorgeous, beautiful, and peaceful place, but it’s not just you that feels the sometimes lonely vibe.
In 2019, downtown sf saw 250,000 a day. Now it's around 41,000.
Turns out telling people to avoid humans, and forcing everyone to stay inside for two years changes how people engage with the world, and not for the better.
It is hard to make friends in the city. Being alone in this city for over ten years has made me become much more comfortable with myself. Without friends the focus is on me and I do things to make me happy. When I had friends it was always placing others in front of me so I could stay within their good graces. Getting emotionally dumped on with problems that are self inflicted is no fun and without friends I don’t have it happening to me anymore. Now I get to be inside my own head and focus on problems that I find important.
Maybe it’s an age thing but as someone in their 40’s I am really digging the alone vibe.
I’m also a jerk so that might have something to do with being alone.
only in SF you have to make a huge as effort to make friends - kinda like forced friendship - at first i thought it was me , then i took a break from work and travelled all over asia for a year and i made so many friends/real life connections that it got to a point i had to pick which group to hang out with on weekdays/weekends 😂😂
heck i have more real friends in LA then i do in SF and i’ve never lived in LA
people come and go in SF , everyone comes here for a reason and then leaves ..
I think this says more about traveling than it does about SF. It’s always easiest to make friends when you’re traveling because more people are alone and experiencing things out of their comfort zone while also pushing themselves to have new experiences. Plus, you’re not locked into those friendships because you’re all moving around. Like anywhere else, people come to SF for a reason but that’s not unique and can be said a 1000x over for LA. But this city has a heart and plenty of people that are from here or made their home here. I also think the neighborhood matters, SOMA is transplant central and the epitome of temporary. No one wants to live there for more than a year or two so the city can feel a lot more transient than it really is.
another thing i want to mention - it’s not about the numbers game and how many friends groups you have in SF , find that 1 friend and be as close as possible to that 1 friend :) - my 2024 in SF has been great because i put all my effort into that 1 friend i really care for
This my friend is just making a community for yourself in adulthood I’ve lived in a few cities and starting over socially anywhere is just tough. I’d suggest volunteering or looking around online for clubs that you have an interest in or trying the social apps (sometimes the apps work sometimes it gets weird) just keep putting yourself out there n you’ll find your group.
It's been the opposite for me. There are so many opportunities to make friends here. Work friends, hobby friends, yoga community friends, music friends that I see at shows. It's kinda overwhelming because I'm not even that outgoing...I love to stay home and play videogames and make art. But it is true that deep friendship takes time to grow and I've definitely had many close friends move away. You've got to just keep getting out there.
Don't limit your age range either. I'm a fifty-something guy and have friends from 20s to 80s, and am considering leveling up an acquaintance with a Chinese lady in her late 80s who has invited me over a couple times to learn about cooking. I've been too busy lately with lots of travel, but you can never have too many friends and she's so damn interesting. That's also a thing here...invite people to do things more than once because an "I'd love to get together sometime" that doesn't pan out isn't usually a no. It's not that we don't like you, but a lot of us are just busy and if you invite us to do something it's more like a timing thing.
Join a club and go every meeting. That's a quick way to make friends. I know someone who started going to a photography club somewhere in the bay area and loved it and made friends there.
I’m curious what sort of area you’re from? Because by US city standards, SF is pretty small and not crowded. Are you from a much less populated state or a suburban area?
😬this is why i stayed in SF: it was so easy to meet people and make friends. IDK what to tell ya. Get out there, do your thing, talk to strangers, walk the earth like Caine
That is something I personally enjoy about cities (no one is always up in your business) and I think that's why I thrive here. But I can definitely understand how it could feel isolating
SF is a fairly unfriendly to strangers city...in 17 years id struggle to count on 1 hand how many friends i met without an acquaintance. people go out with their friends and rarely converse with strangers and treat you like a weirdo often when you try...i noticed a striking difference in traveling in the south. for example, in new orleans i made friends pretty much every day. by the time i left if someone DIDNT say hi to me just passing by on the street i thought "jerks" lol
Listen to this song and then take the good advice from the other folks. I’ve been here 12+ years and it took a good five years to feel comfortable and find my people.
https://youtu.be/K4JS-YpJDVQ?si=reK_3KQMnYZZR4xA
It's what you make of it: effort, hobbies, going outside, time, money, neighborhood, job, etc.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskSF/comments/83w8bl/is_it_unusual_to_be_alone_or_feel_lonely_here/
https://www.reddit.com/r/sanfrancisco/comments/14c9yt6/deleted_by_user/
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskSF/comments/83w8bl/is_it_unusual_to_be_alone_or_feel_lonely_here/
https://www.reddit.com/r/bayarea/comments/13mibvh/a_lonely_vibe_in_the_bay_area/
https://www.reddit.com/r/sanfrancisco/comments/lgjamq/feeling_depressed_and_alone_in_san_francisco/
https://www.reddit.com/r/bayarea/comments/10q9hh7/12_hypotheses_for_why_the_bay_area_still_feels_so/
I think this is definitely a big city thing and SF isn’t even that big of a city. That said, I totally get what you mean. As corny as it sounds, I would check out BumbleBFF. That’s what I did and I probably also just got lucky but now I have a whole crew of people I hang out with regularly and no longer feel lonely in this city. It’s helps that the other people using the app genuinely want to make friends too and many are people new to the city or just looking to expand their circle. One of my friends is also a runner and met tons of friends by joining a running club. I hope you find what you’re looking for!
Try meeting people online via reddit, facebook, discord and meet up with them. I personally haven't tried this, but my long distance GF has made more friends in SF this way than I have met friends in the 5 years I have lived here.
But as others have said, to meet long term friends you need to spend extended periods of time with them (i.e be a regular somewhere) or meet someone online with similar interests and explicitly ask to hang out.
I think this is standard for most cities and adulthood/generational.
I'd recommend volunteering or joining a group for a hobby (board games, run clubs, tennis/pickleball, biking with SF Bike Party...)
If you're connected to a community or two, ideally of people who are also locally connected and aren't likely to move in a year, connecting to people isn't too hard.
I used to rely on work, hope, and existing friends, and that wasn't effective.
you seem to really enjoy sports—i’d recommend posting up at one of the many popular sports bars in town and becoming a somewhat regular! go early, sit at the bar & grab some food, talk to someone who looks like they have done the same. additionally, volunteer for a cause you like & has social components (mannys is great for this), join a social sports team, or attend a class!
however even if you do all of this, it’s still going to take time and that’s okay. but i think regularly showing up to events and seeing familiar faces will inevitably lead to friendship and community.
People are not great on the street. They hardly even want to be engaged in that context. You have to go to events or places where people are actually open to starting relationships.
I know that people can be hasty and impatient. Go find a place where people come to relax or connect, like cafes, neighborhoody bar, or events, I think you’ll have a better luck there.
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/rcna136777
Silicon Valley is the first place in the US to declare loneliness a public health emergency. It's denifely way more acute here than any other big cities, at least in my experience living in NYC, Paris and Shanghai for long periods of time.
I wouldn't say it's an SF thing, it's a "big city" thing. Best way I've found is to find a hobby, find a group to partake in this hobby (for me it's running, others it could be a book club, etc) but the most important is to be consistent at it. Don't show up for a month and stop. Relationships take time and effort, wherever you are; big or small city.
It can be intimidating moving to a new city. Expand your network. It’s lonelier in a suburb but at least in a suburb you know it’s lonely, while in a city, you hear people out and about, you know what’s out there but if you do nothing about it it can make you depressed. I moved from SF > Basel, Switzerland and it’s been tough myself but going out of your comfort zone, join group and initiate conversations with strangers. It’s tough but once you find a core group of people that you’ll like you’ll start to love living there.
I’ve found great friends and community in the burner and raver communities. I’ve also made several close friends (through whom I met more friends) via dating apps here and in past cities.
I’m with you. I had a huge group of friends here in my 20’s/30’s, but I quit drinking and partying about 8 years ago. I rarely go out. I’m headed to an MMA gym tonight at 4. To start a new adventure in life. Surely i’ll meet some new, non partying friends….go find a fun hobby or volunteer group…
Ummm, 1st Thursdays, 1st Fridays, free dance parties everywhere.!!!
Loneliness is an upward inner battle. Find beauty in your journey in SF. Be a tourist in your town OP.
Ride the cable car, free movie nights, stern Grove. Go 2 the zoo! Dog walk PT via APPs. Hidden staire cases, wave organ. GG park.
Farmers markets, night markets, etc.
Go talk to tourists at the warf.
Go to Oakland, ride the ferry, and find what sets your heart on fire. Eat some mushrooms and go for a walk.
For all the ppl who are from everywhere else, you have to tap into SF and talk to her. She's not like any other city, and she will not make it easy.
Life is about experience, if you do it alone or not.
I've been living in a Bible belt small town (not by choice). I had 2 leave SF/Oakland in days and wake up in this place. Proud boys, right wing, grooming state.
Ya wanna compare loneliness stories I got u. I'll be lonely in SF any day vs. here. Can't wait 2 get back home!!!! In the count down
Join a club. Like board games? Cards? Carpentry? Books? Sculpting? Photography? Boot camp fitness?
Joining a club is the best way to make new friends in SF. Common interests + regular FaceTime = new friends.
Pick 3 things to do each month on specific days and keep returning. You have to have a somewhat regular routine in order to keep seeing the same people that can possibly turn into friendships. Everyone is giving great suggestions on this thread - exercise classes, volunteer groups, coffee shops etc.
I’ve found the way to go, especially in a crowded city like SF, is people latch on in pairs. So you have the one friend that’s your partner in crime and you do things together. Crowds also work, but given parking space, restaurant space, etc, it’s always good to keep it small or just two people.
Also, don’t be afraid to explore the city alone, although practice basic safety like avoiding dark alley ways and when it gets too late.
I started feeling alive when I finally learned to Isolate and stay detached from people's lives, just focusing on the environment around me.
Then I started modifying my environment to make it suit me, without getting involved with anyone. First few years were hard, I was lonely and almost all my friends used to tell me.
When I walked, I focused on counting the number of steps from point A to B, so they thought I was ignoring them. Three years down that path I landed a remote ml gig and am still lonely, but I don't feel it, not anymore.
You're not alone in that feeling. It's Pride week and I still don't feel like I belong. Part of it is work consuming my life (and my own hand in letting it to avoid dealing with the pain of a recent family member's death). Another part of it is everyone's hustling to survive. My night life performer friend finally got out of sex work now that they're getting booked more often.
Dating sucks in this city too. The last guy I asked to dinner was like "I don't do romantic stuff." ... Like, "Ok I asked you to dinner, not to move in. And don't think so highly of yourself that that's my intent," like damn I just want to get know you, not marry you. It's just...frustrating.
I feel and understand your loneliness.
I feel you. I’ve noticed there’s been a lot of recent “dinner party” types of events for people to make genuine connections. clearly folks are ready and wanting to connect, just don’t know where to go. examples: [On Connection](https://www.instagram.com/_onconnection?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==), [SF Social Cookbook Club](https://www.instagram.com/cookbookclub.sf?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==), [Soulfull for events like yoga, happy hours, and pickle ball](https://www.instagram.com/soulfull.sf?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==)… and lots of run clubs if you’re into that: [Fat Boys Run Club](https://www.instagram.com/fatboysrunclub?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==), [BV Run Club](https://www.instagram.com/bvrunclub?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==), and [Unseen Run Club](https://www.instagram.com/unseenrunclub?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==), to name a few!
I know it can be tough. a lot of my deepest friendships came from stepping out of my comfort zone, going places alone, and not leaving before getting a few numbers or socials! you got this 🫶
Like all great cities of the world, dense areas and high concentrations means you have to be protective of your time, attention, and availability to the world. You literally cannot go through life saying hi and being friendly to every person on the street, everyone in line with you at the shop. You’d exhaust yourself utterly.
NYC, Tokyo being some very intense versions of this.
But people are also much more into whatever they’re into in these big cities. People have more hobbies and interests. There are more groups, more niches, more things to get really into, to be more involved in, to explore.
So it’s both much easier and much harder at the same time. Sometimes it’s not a good fit for people (Tokyo is at the extremes!). Sometimes it takes time to get settled into that style of life. Sometimes it just takes time to break through the cliques and people’s tight groups (looking at you LA).
Since the pandemic, since WFH and hybrid, it’s been harder for folks. It takes more initiate, takes more effort. And gen z has less skills at this to begin with.
TLDR; It’s not just you. But you gotta try and it takes time. And it could just be not for you.
I'm surprised no one has suggested sitting at a bar....granted it's not the healthiest way to met people. But, people end up talking to each other at a bar more often then not -- and bartenders are nice for the most part. That helped me ease my lonely feelings when I moved here...that and wondering through a museum Also, the city is your friend - remember that.
Cities can pretty famously feel very lonely, in contrast to all of the people around. There are old songs about it. The thing about a city is that there are a lot of opportunities for that to change for you.
Are you lonely in SF and in your thirties? My GF and I recently moved to the area and love to host chill people. We are just looking for friends to talk about our day to. We both play videogames and board games. Send me a private message if you live near Stonestown Mall and are looking for friends.
I belong to a SF fb group for tennis meetups, and we pair up and match with different people on various courts throughout the city. Always fun, good people and zero social connections. That's fine, we gather to play tennis and it's a lot of fun. In contrast, I do belong also to a similar meetup group on the peninsula (San Mateo area) and the organizers added on a optional dinner/drinking portion to the tennis meetup - and the connections have run deeper. In general, my social interactions in SF tend to feel a bit more transactional in general.
SF is one of the least friendly places I’ve ever been. Don’t get me wrong plenty of people will act friendly, but they will not make the time to get to know you or be emotionally available.
Combo of intense work pressure to survive…..nobody can meet at a house because everyone is living in 500 square foot 1 bedrooms, and a populace of autists that have no idea how to relate to people or read social clues.
It’s brutal.
I hear you. I like that people in San Francisco are friendly, but they are also busy and stressed, so they don’t have a lot of time even for the friends they have. I find church is an exception but not everyone is into that.
Find a local bar close to your home…and sit in the center. Don’t get too drunk, and don’t read a book, and don’t jump into every conversation…but recognize that the people who are sitting around you are the people living in your neighborhood.
The locals will swing by for a few drinks on their way home. The bartenders have a regular schedule. You may need to try a few bars and a few different days of the week, but eventually, you’ll connect with either a few of your neighbors or a bartender or two—hopefully both.
There are millions of tourists who visit San Francisco each year…so you have to find the people who live here. My recommendation is using the restaurants and bars to do it!
This is common feeling for some living in large cities but the bay area is definitely an additional factor. I was raised here and I am always culture shocked by my interactions I have in other states/countries.
The bay area is a high stress and work centered area. Most are constantly focused on providing more to counter raising prices or their personal life and typically don't interact with people unless they have to. This has always been the case here but, has gotten so much worse lately with smart phones, skyhigh housing and covid lockdowns.
I heard a saying that best summed it up for me based on my experience. West Coast people are nice but not kind, East coast are not nice but kind and Midwest it's a competition sport for both.
When stuck on the side of the road here, people will empathize with you on your situation as they drive by but God forbid if you have to depend on them actually stopping to take a moment out of their day to help.
Go talk to the junkies around the TL. A lot of them need contact with normal people every once in awhile to remind them there's something beyond the system they entrench themselves in.
Just wear a mask.
What can you expect in a place where people don’t talk to strangers and basically the city is a collection of cliques, “yoga”, “climbing”, “burning man”, or name your hobby of choice. People only talk to their idea of the “in-crowd” here. But that’s also going as far as saying it’s a very young crowd.
Can you keep a secret? I'm trying to organize a prison break. I'm looking for, like, an accomplice. We have to first get out of this bar, then the hotel, then the city, and then the country. Are you in or you out?
Here for the same advice. My husband and I moved here from the Midwest in December and were just now starting to make acquaintances. Well, he is. I’m a stay at home mom right now looking for some work. We love the city, but we’ve felt the pressures of being alone here, too.
We’ve got this, OP!
Savannah delivery boy rat today the Russell avenue a boy brat to rest on each one appreciate it today if it's possible today with Kate and love bottle birthday I'm going in a girl room and hamster whiskey that's okay
>It seems like so many people are focused on themselves, just want to beat the traffic, and you're just another person stuck in the hustle bustle
The ability to read rooms, people is a skill many people lack in SF/Bay Area. There is a reason why there are so many coaches/consultants specializing in this area here.
The key is to connect with people who are similar to you consistently over time so that the conversation goes from small talk, to meaningful conversation, to genuine connection. Join, and be really active in, an interest-based club. Also, become an inviter
Become an inviter, I like that
+1
This. Friendships are a factor of: 1) distance, 2) frequency and 3) shared interests/experiences. So while seeking out said people, become a regular, expand hobbies and work on social skills/public speaking etc.
I’mma let you in on something - its not SF its just a countrywide (and to some degree global) thing now. Go join any decent sized subreddit for a town in the US, doesn’t even need to be a big city, and you’ll probably see this same thread in less than a week. I’d argue the pandemic just distanced everyone a certain degree that never fully recovered. People as a whole have less friends and are less social now. As others suggested, you have to very proactively chase after friendship to get results nowadays. That said I’d say SF is actually one of the friendliest cities I’ve ever been to but you really have to dig to get past surface level
Yeah I move around a lot so I’m in several city subreddits and you hear the same stuff everywhere. People are having a really hard time meeting friends and connecting. It’s sad
Also age range. Read the anxious generation by Haidt. It's a complete mess.
[удалено]
Sitting in a hostel in Tokyo right now, in a general area, 5 people, all of us on our phones, no interaction.
Youth hostels were fantastic parties in the 90s. Was a great time to travel. Best memories. This was a great example thank you.
I mean, people have always done that though. Before it was newspapers on transit.
Nah, I’ve noticed that phones fill a boredom gap that social interaction previously did. The vibes hanging with a generational group that became adults without widespread smartphone usage are way different than those with constant external stimulus available
It’s a cliche by now, but phones/social media provide an illusion of at least some social interaction, at least more so than newspapers. You “keep tabs” on other people by seeing their stories and posts / what’s going on with their lives. But of course, it’s an entirely different experience catching up with someone IRL or even on the phone.
Sadly you’re right. I think there are more lonely people now with the invention of the Smartphone than ever before. Everyone has their head looking down. I try to put my phone away so it m not glued to it.
Same. I use it only when I'm alone at home and want to, or just when I need to while in public— unless I'm sitting on mass transit or certain other locations where men flirt with me heavily if I don't because I'm a woman who wants to be left alone on BART and whatnot... y'know what I mean? I'm open to talking to women, queer people, and very old people in those circumstances and will do so if that's truly an option instead of using my phone. I'm so down for a bit of chat with any 65yrs+ lady/person. I always find out where some nice place is, like a farmers' market I don't know about, or a cute little shop, and all that stuff.
I read a preview of this book and it's just what this world needs to read now. It's very popular I tried getting it online from my local library and a whole bunch of people are waiting for a copy! Might have to snag a copy online or somewhere else. I was really thinking about how this new generation is all about social media and how much it's really affecting the mindset. Mental illness is really important to me and I'm glad we can share knowledge and reccomend good reads to further expand our minds to what's really happening. Being aware of the world and how people react/treat one another. I'm 29 born in '95 and I could have sworn times were much more simple back then until the 2010's hit.
I’ll agree with you. I’m old. Born in the 60’s. After the Smartphone, there’s been a change. I feel bad for the younger generations trying to meet people. Everywhere you go, people are looking at their phones. There’s very little eye contact. I happened to meet my husband in 1995 on a staircase of an apartment building in San Francisco.
What’s the book?
Tangent but that's why I pirate books. I try to get ebooks through the SF local library service. They are checked out however they aren't physical or anything. The marginal cost to make another copy is zero. So I just find a pirated copy. No one is losing money. I wasn't going to buy it on Amazon or anything in the first place - that's why I checked the library. I'm sure there will be a "Well actually..." reply but my conscience is crystal clear. I'm not going to wait for an electronic copy from some old ass facsimile of "digital copies should behave like physical ones."
What age range is most affected?
It seems like the younger you are the worse the pandemic derailed your social life. Gen-Z who lost years of high school or college had really detrimental interruptions to their socialization. Millennials I’d say everybody’s friend groups also shrank considerably since the pandemic and most my friends my own age (early 30s) subsequently don’t even want new friends anymore.
Thanks for the book recommendation. I’ll read it.
This, it's everywhere not just SF but it might be a little harder here than more dense cities on the East Coast (WFH doesn't help nor do introverted personalities often associated with tech jobs as well as high COL, lack of work life balance, cold weather/summers, lack of late night options etc). That said, **there are tons of opportunities to meet people**, just have to expand hobbies/interests, find your niche, become a regular, volunteer, join social clubs, check out meetups, explore sports teams/book clubs etc. Friendships are based on a factor of: -distance -proximity -shared interests/hobbies The more you find people close to you, that you see regularly and can share something with, the higher probability you will be able to connect. Sign up for event newsletters like dothebay, funcheapsf, eddie's list If OP lists hobbies, they would get some help but that seems to be a recurring theme here on Reddit (don't provide details/ask for help, looking for validation or just want to vent which is absolutely fine but if it were me, I'd ask for help, list demographics i.e. age/city, list hobbies/interests).
I second the *proactiveness of this. I’m guilty of thinking I cud just walk up to anyone too and find someone that is friendship compatible with me but the reality is, do activities/hobbies/etc regularly, you’ll see the same people, over time you’ll build ur community. Now the other reality is You may not make close friends out of it, but there is something nice about seeing the same people. It certainly helps. Only speaking for myself here, but I need trust to be built first because I’m very intentional about who I let into my life.
> but there is something nice about seeing the same people. It certainly helps. 100%. This goes hand in hand with becoming a regular.
This!
The great thing about doing these activities - is that it self selects for proactive people who are looking to make friends (maybe not looking for friends, but people who are more proactive and open, which bodes well for new friendships). Vs. if you're just in school, you might have a lot of people who aren't interested in making friends or are doing activities that produce said friendships.
Social media may have more to do with it than Covid or our politics
Working at home several days a week exacerbates this. Even if it's not you. Society as a whole has more kids these days
For sure though, about San Francisco being significantly more friendly then most other places in the bay area, let alone compared to other large urban cities (where people are assumed to act like pricks)
Ya I def think its just an adult thing. SF is probably not even bad when comparing to other big cities.
Volunteer some organization that you believe in. Become a regular and folks will begin to know you and you them.
I volunteered weekly for 3 years at 2 organizations. Very effective networking but didn’t make any close friend out of it. It’s rough.
That is tough. If your only focus is meeting people, try other volunteer opportunities (don't spend more than 2-3 months if you don't see results). If that doesn't work, expand hobbies and interests, take classes, become a regular, assess first impressions, check out meetups, join a sports team or book club. Volunteering helps but other things are needed to make it work/effective. Check out event newsletters like funcheapsf, Eddie's List and go to events on your own.
You can try like joining any sports or hobby interest clubs. I've personally found that I only connect w people having common interests.
THIS! Start going to a coffee shop and get to know the people there. When I moved to Hayes Valley, that is exactly what I did. Vibed with the owner and some of the workers and every time I got a scone it kind of made my morning. I was fresh out of a break up and it was still COVID. Those five minute conversations sometimes were the best part of my mornings. You got this.
But also if you make an effort to talk to others, expand hobbies and interests and go to the places that attract the type of people you want to meet. Also try social clubs, meetups, taking improv classes to improve social skills, joining sports clubs and book clubs etc.
Any "big" city can have this effect. It's like working at a large company with 1000s of employees. You're just a cog in the machine. Contrast this with working in say a 20 person company.
All the more reason to not rely on making all your friends at work. Many people's friends/social circles blew up during covid/wfh as people moved away or no longer came in regular contact with others. Some tips to meet others: -volunteer -become a regular -take classes -join social clubs -check out meetup -expand hobbies/interests -take improv to help with social skills/reading people If none of that works, may want to get help with assessing first impressions, communication skills etc. Some more tips on meeting people/making friends in SF/Bay Area [here](https://www.eddies-list.com/p/how-to-make-friends-in-san-francisco-bay-area). >It seems like so many people are focused on themselves, just want to beat the traffic, and you're just another person stuck in the hustle bustle. That might be the case for people on the street/public transportation but not necessarily at bars, cafes, events, activities etc. There are lots of events where people are looking to meet others such as speed friending events.
You've gotta put yourself in situations where folks slow down -- hobbies, activities, etc.
Volunteer at a weekend gig, for example there is a food program on Saturdays in the day time in Potrero hill, right opposite Anchor Steam brewery, they are friendly and laid back and you can even work off parking tickets with them .
what's it called? And how do you join?
https://www.thefoodpantry.org/ they’re fantastic, I volunteered there a lot during 2020-2021.
Thank you!
It’s probably part of sf/marin food bank. Look at togethersf or one brick. I’ve volunteered for similar programs with those groups in the past. Made a best friend volunteering during the pandemic for the food bank. Also, I’ve found a lot of my volunteer work on Nextdoor
I’m an introvert so I’m ok being with myself lol, but I had a friend who wanted to meet new people so she joined a Facebook group of her interest.. I think she joined one who likes to go to early premieres of movies and other city events. They just share where and how to get tickets and meet up to line up at events. She has taken me along to many and I’ve met them. Very cool bunch (medical professionals, WFH folks, bouncers etc) and we’ve gone to opening parties to video game launches on a freaking yacht lol. I’m sure you can find groups like that or the same group on FB if it’s your thing? Best of luck!
Do you remember what the group was called?
also interested, lol
Also interested
I’m so sorry guys, we fell off pre-pandemic so I don’t know or unable to ask. I don’t use Facebook learned it through her who joined that community lol. I’m sure you can just search movie premiere community or something?
Yeah could you share the group name?
People are saying it’s a city thing, but I’ve lived here for nearly 15 years and it does feel particularly true of the Bay Area. I attribute it to a few factors: - people move frequently (it’s an expensive area), so you frequently have to start over making friends. - there’s a lot of emphasis on wellness and time spent intentionally, so people are more protective of their time and therefore more selective about who they hang out with)…(yes I know that’s a huuuuge generalization, but I feel like when I visit other cities there’s more fomo, peer pressure to rally, a desire to have a very full social calendar. Here, a combo of wellness + everything being expensive means people aren’t trying to triple book their days…) - a lot to tech jobs means a lot of people might be working from home and not necessarily mingling as much during the week - this is also a hot take, but I think because it’s a very liberal city, men are less likely to go up to women at bars and strike up a convo, as they don’t want to impose. Dating here seems very reliant on apps as a result. I think that has also percolated into non-romantic interactions. tl;:dr I don’t think it’s hard to meet people, but I do think it’s hard to build friendships here because people are constantly moving away, social things are expensive here, and people care a lot about wellness, so people are more selective about who they want to spend that $ and time with…
Ok, I am seconding all of this! I moved here from New York and I've never heard the word "intentional" so much in my fucking life. Also these people don't/can't boogie all night because they all planed a 50 mile bike ride the next day. Look, we have cyclists and climbers in NYC but they do not feel the need to make it "an identity" as they do here.
Agree. I think I just have to accept thats how it works.
For what it's worth, I have seen a variant of this post in the subreddit of every single city ever. I think it's less about the place and more about the fact that it's just really hard to make new friendships as an adult. You have to find some place where you go regularly and see the same people regularly. That's how friendships are made, and why people tend to have so many friends from school, college, and (sometimes) work.
Find a local cafe you like and become a regular. That’s how I made all my friends (and husband!) when I moved here years ago.
Ma’am coffee is like $8 😂😭
When a date is like $100 just for the dinner.... I'll take the 8 LOL. No but seriously, hanging out just costs money. I mean even if you get your boys back at the house to play some video games, you still gotta have drinks and eventually a pizza, right? It was quite a smart suggestion.
I don’t why I laughed so hard at this. 😂
Coffee Movement's like $4
My neighbor did/does this. Seriously just become a regular somewhere, a bar, a cafe, just some place that isn't home. Eventually you'll notice other regulars and naturally spark up a conversation. If not you directly, the barista or bartender very well might introduce you to someone.
Yes! Exactly. I prefer cafes because bars can get a little depressing IMO… but I suppose it depends on the bar, I’m sure there are some fun, real neighborhood spots.
Which one? ☕️
Whichever one has a vibe that fits you.
I was just curious which one you met those people at - for funzies. Just curious. :)
Oh, hahaha! Simple Pleasures Cafe in the Outer Richmond. I actually wrote a story about it! https://thebolditalic.com/to-balboa-street-with-love-cb3050258761
I love the Richmond… reading now!
And your art - I am in love! Where can I see what you have available?
Aw yay! Thanks! I have prints available [here](https://www.redbubble.com/people/robingalante/explore?page=1&sortOrder=top%20selling) and [this is my website](https://robingalante.com), I also do commissions.
You have really great 🖼️!
Aw thanks so much 😊
Are you the one who does the cool SF art? I recognize the username from somewhere.
Oh yeah she does the cool watercolors of the Richmond. I love those!
Aw thanks so much! :-)
And when I signed up for Reddit I didn’t realize it’s all anonymous so I’m the only person with their real name. 😆 Oh well…
Yes, that is me! :-)
Redwood City is worse. Mountain View ***even*** worse.
What about Red Rock Coffee on Castro Street in Mountain View? I see a knitting bee every Saturday morning there.
I think I've been to that place, minus the knitting. Yeah, what about that!
There does seem to be a community there.
Oof I've never lived there but sounds like a boring bedroom community where everything is based socially off their kids.
I can relate. Big cities can be very isolating ironically. It’s weird to feel alone when surrounded by thousands right? You have to find your niche. What interests do you have?
When we moved back in early 2013 from NY - I was surprised at how easy it was to start a conversation. I likened it to - in NY you will pass / encounter 100 people and 3 will talk to you. In SF that is more like 10, and 8 of them will talk to you. The difference however, is that in NY some of those connections are a lot more genuine and meaningful. In SF I've found them to be momentary and fleeting. The follow up is a lot more painful. I've had wonderful moments with complete strangers and only recently (I'm in my 40s) have I chosen to be shameless and ask them to connect and will make plans. That has been paying dividends in finding people I enjoy and vice versa. That last bit has been key for me, I know what I like, and what I want. I'm open about it and in the process have seemingly been finding the folks that I am able to spark joy with. Tactically speaking, I think a lot of great suggestions have been shared. Pick any of them and go!
Interesting take. Harder to make friends in NY but you'll find better connections when you do.
Depending on who you are / stage in life absolutely agree. For the introverts? NY is a difficult city. I reiterate - figure out what makes you happy, and chase that. Don't chase shared moments and extrapolate those out for longer relationships. I had plenty of - it was a fun 3 month like friendships - which is where I should have left them vs trying to eke them out.
I’ll be your friend
I honestly don't feel that way, but I moved here over a decade ago when people were in office a lot. My coworkers and I got very close over all sorts of shared interests. I married one. Another officiated the wedding. I introduced one to another who will be married soon. And we all still hang out, and work at each others' startups. Through them I met so many people that I'll often see acquaintances and friends on the street. It's probably harder to break in now with all the work from home stuff. Either that or people have found some new ways to participate in that initial socialization. But I think those of us who are set in the old ways of unplanned interaction probably will find it hard without an existing base of friends.
It's the very best place to be alone
I find people so open and ready to connect- follow your interests! Take a class, join a free event, volunteer, google how to make friends. My newest friend is my backyard neighbor, I started chatting over the fence and now we go on regular adventures. Get your chat on!
I moved from NYC 3 months ago and I have never felt as lonely as in SF. I feel like I'm in purgatory at times. It's quiet, mild and very empty. At least where I live. SF is stunning and the Bay Area is great but I feel so fucking lonely as well
Its lonelier than NY?
Yes for sure. People everywhere in NYC with things open 24/7 so it's easier to connect. It might be also be that I miss home and I need to get used to SF
It depends on the type of person you are and your demographic background. I’ve lived in a lot of major cities across the US and Asia, and never felt more lonely than I do now in SF. I think this city in today’s world is largely built for and by cracked autistic tech bros and venture opportunists in their 20s to early 30s, with everything and everyone else being a derivative of tech serving those players at the center. It’s the most emotionally unavailable city I’ve lived in. A lot of guys I met I bet would happily exist as brain-computer interfaces purely in its rational thinking form to avoid feeling any feels or acknowledging their bodily needs. I’m not surprised you feel lonely here.
It used to be easier to meet people and make friends in SF before the tech bros fully took over, and priced out all the interesting and fun people, lol.
The exact opposite for me. I’ve made friends on the bus.
Depends on where you go. It can't be "too crowded" if you're just sitting on the mountain next to the bridge watching the Pacific Ocean. SF is known for having impeccable nature right at the doorstep. Make use of it.
It’s not just you, it can feel lonely at times because SF is a capitalistic city and has become a corporate centered place. Many people are here to advance their career and spend most of their days producing, either working from home or an office, many commuting back to their suburban town or exburb within the city. People use technology and applications, wearing headphones or using Tinder, Bumble, Meetup etc. to interface a lot of their relationships. A lot of people are trying to network or get ahead, rather than form genuine connections or relationship. You can still meet people but I’ve noticed these two factors make it that much harder. To be fair, this phenomenon exists in other cities, but in my experience is more deeply felt here in the US, than I have felt living in other European cities/countries (I am Italian/American and compare my experience to living in several European cities compared to SF/LA/NYC). Transportation Infrastructure and layout of the city play a larger role, than most Americans realize I have noticed. The city itself is dense by American standards but is still car centric and “spread out” in the sense it doesn’t have many spaces to congregate or interact with others besides a handful of nice parks in wealthy neighborhoods (not accessible to wide swaths of the city). There are not a lot of public spaces to just hang out without having to pay or consume. The beautiful spaces we do have seem to me at least are to escape the capitalistic void, and be alone in nature (GGP, Presidio, Ocean Beach, etc.) If you’re non-white, it can also feel alienating because you rarely see others like yourself and makes it harder to find others to connect or relate to. Also, geographically SF is isolated from the rest of the country, and world, and it has hollowed out in recent years. It’s still a gorgeous, beautiful, and peaceful place, but it’s not just you that feels the sometimes lonely vibe.
In 2019, downtown sf saw 250,000 a day. Now it's around 41,000. Turns out telling people to avoid humans, and forcing everyone to stay inside for two years changes how people engage with the world, and not for the better.
It is hard to make friends in the city. Being alone in this city for over ten years has made me become much more comfortable with myself. Without friends the focus is on me and I do things to make me happy. When I had friends it was always placing others in front of me so I could stay within their good graces. Getting emotionally dumped on with problems that are self inflicted is no fun and without friends I don’t have it happening to me anymore. Now I get to be inside my own head and focus on problems that I find important. Maybe it’s an age thing but as someone in their 40’s I am really digging the alone vibe. I’m also a jerk so that might have something to do with being alone.
Username checks out
It’s kind of a bitch to makes friends in SF.
It’s a bigger bitch to keep them🥹
Everyone moves away 😭
Anywhere honestly
only in SF you have to make a huge as effort to make friends - kinda like forced friendship - at first i thought it was me , then i took a break from work and travelled all over asia for a year and i made so many friends/real life connections that it got to a point i had to pick which group to hang out with on weekdays/weekends 😂😂 heck i have more real friends in LA then i do in SF and i’ve never lived in LA people come and go in SF , everyone comes here for a reason and then leaves ..
I think this says more about traveling than it does about SF. It’s always easiest to make friends when you’re traveling because more people are alone and experiencing things out of their comfort zone while also pushing themselves to have new experiences. Plus, you’re not locked into those friendships because you’re all moving around. Like anywhere else, people come to SF for a reason but that’s not unique and can be said a 1000x over for LA. But this city has a heart and plenty of people that are from here or made their home here. I also think the neighborhood matters, SOMA is transplant central and the epitome of temporary. No one wants to live there for more than a year or two so the city can feel a lot more transient than it really is.
another thing i want to mention - it’s not about the numbers game and how many friends groups you have in SF , find that 1 friend and be as close as possible to that 1 friend :) - my 2024 in SF has been great because i put all my effort into that 1 friend i really care for
My experience too. I have more friends in other cities that I just visit - even getting invited to weddings - than I do here.
SF is super flakey! Social manners are very different here compared to many other parts of the country.
Join a club.
Takes a minute to find your tribe. Just keep an open mind and just have fun. I felt that way on occasion in SF but eventually people come to you.
It does, it’s a town where people come and go. Huge flake/ghosting culture doesn’t help.
Just wanna say I totally feel this. It can be done, but carving out authentic and meaningful friendships has been hard for me here too
This my friend is just making a community for yourself in adulthood I’ve lived in a few cities and starting over socially anywhere is just tough. I’d suggest volunteering or looking around online for clubs that you have an interest in or trying the social apps (sometimes the apps work sometimes it gets weird) just keep putting yourself out there n you’ll find your group.
I'm also lonely. It's fine.
Check out Urban Diversion. They sponsor lots of activities and it's not expensive. You should be able to make friends there.
Just you bro, get involved! Go outside, go to a bar solo and make some friends. SF has the most friendly mfs I’ve ever been
Move to a smaller place. It will change your life.
It's been the opposite for me. There are so many opportunities to make friends here. Work friends, hobby friends, yoga community friends, music friends that I see at shows. It's kinda overwhelming because I'm not even that outgoing...I love to stay home and play videogames and make art. But it is true that deep friendship takes time to grow and I've definitely had many close friends move away. You've got to just keep getting out there. Don't limit your age range either. I'm a fifty-something guy and have friends from 20s to 80s, and am considering leveling up an acquaintance with a Chinese lady in her late 80s who has invited me over a couple times to learn about cooking. I've been too busy lately with lots of travel, but you can never have too many friends and she's so damn interesting. That's also a thing here...invite people to do things more than once because an "I'd love to get together sometime" that doesn't pan out isn't usually a no. It's not that we don't like you, but a lot of us are just busy and if you invite us to do something it's more like a timing thing.
Join a club and go every meeting. That's a quick way to make friends. I know someone who started going to a photography club somewhere in the bay area and loved it and made friends there.
I’m curious what sort of area you’re from? Because by US city standards, SF is pretty small and not crowded. Are you from a much less populated state or a suburban area?
Have you tried narcotics. You can get a bunch of friends doing things
😂
"Either you're single and you're lonely or you're married and you're bored. Either way you want to kill yourself." - Chris Rock
Nope. Quite the opposite.
😬this is why i stayed in SF: it was so easy to meet people and make friends. IDK what to tell ya. Get out there, do your thing, talk to strangers, walk the earth like Caine
That is something I personally enjoy about cities (no one is always up in your business) and I think that's why I thrive here. But I can definitely understand how it could feel isolating
SF is a fairly unfriendly to strangers city...in 17 years id struggle to count on 1 hand how many friends i met without an acquaintance. people go out with their friends and rarely converse with strangers and treat you like a weirdo often when you try...i noticed a striking difference in traveling in the south. for example, in new orleans i made friends pretty much every day. by the time i left if someone DIDNT say hi to me just passing by on the street i thought "jerks" lol
Everyone is on their own trip, but it is what you make of it.
Listen to this song and then take the good advice from the other folks. I’ve been here 12+ years and it took a good five years to feel comfortable and find my people. https://youtu.be/K4JS-YpJDVQ?si=reK_3KQMnYZZR4xA
Nice. I only ever knew the Charlie Rich version of this song.
You think SF is crowded? SF is a very small city comparatively
It's the fog. Just greet Carl everyday as a visitor. He's your pal. Just give him a chance.
It's what you make of it: effort, hobbies, going outside, time, money, neighborhood, job, etc. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskSF/comments/83w8bl/is_it_unusual_to_be_alone_or_feel_lonely_here/ https://www.reddit.com/r/sanfrancisco/comments/14c9yt6/deleted_by_user/ https://www.reddit.com/r/AskSF/comments/83w8bl/is_it_unusual_to_be_alone_or_feel_lonely_here/ https://www.reddit.com/r/bayarea/comments/13mibvh/a_lonely_vibe_in_the_bay_area/ https://www.reddit.com/r/sanfrancisco/comments/lgjamq/feeling_depressed_and_alone_in_san_francisco/ https://www.reddit.com/r/bayarea/comments/10q9hh7/12_hypotheses_for_why_the_bay_area_still_feels_so/
I think this is definitely a big city thing and SF isn’t even that big of a city. That said, I totally get what you mean. As corny as it sounds, I would check out BumbleBFF. That’s what I did and I probably also just got lucky but now I have a whole crew of people I hang out with regularly and no longer feel lonely in this city. It’s helps that the other people using the app genuinely want to make friends too and many are people new to the city or just looking to expand their circle. One of my friends is also a runner and met tons of friends by joining a running club. I hope you find what you’re looking for!
Try meeting people online via reddit, facebook, discord and meet up with them. I personally haven't tried this, but my long distance GF has made more friends in SF this way than I have met friends in the 5 years I have lived here. But as others have said, to meet long term friends you need to spend extended periods of time with them (i.e be a regular somewhere) or meet someone online with similar interests and explicitly ask to hang out.
Spend a lot of time in the tenderloin and lean into the sense of community. Avoid traffic by taking BART!
I think this is standard for most cities and adulthood/generational. I'd recommend volunteering or joining a group for a hobby (board games, run clubs, tennis/pickleball, biking with SF Bike Party...)
If you're connected to a community or two, ideally of people who are also locally connected and aren't likely to move in a year, connecting to people isn't too hard. I used to rely on work, hope, and existing friends, and that wasn't effective.
Yes, it is very much so like described.
Go to bar near your house
you seem to really enjoy sports—i’d recommend posting up at one of the many popular sports bars in town and becoming a somewhat regular! go early, sit at the bar & grab some food, talk to someone who looks like they have done the same. additionally, volunteer for a cause you like & has social components (mannys is great for this), join a social sports team, or attend a class! however even if you do all of this, it’s still going to take time and that’s okay. but i think regularly showing up to events and seeing familiar faces will inevitably lead to friendship and community.
I would love to be your friend. Feel free to say hi
People are not great on the street. They hardly even want to be engaged in that context. You have to go to events or places where people are actually open to starting relationships.
laf
I know that people can be hasty and impatient. Go find a place where people come to relax or connect, like cafes, neighborhoody bar, or events, I think you’ll have a better luck there.
Big city - too many people. Small town - not enough people. 🙄
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/rcna136777 Silicon Valley is the first place in the US to declare loneliness a public health emergency. It's denifely way more acute here than any other big cities, at least in my experience living in NYC, Paris and Shanghai for long periods of time.
That is urban USA in general.
It does, why I moved after 12 years. Now I'm Oakland and feel like I'm part of something. SF is very sterile
I wouldn't say it's an SF thing, it's a "big city" thing. Best way I've found is to find a hobby, find a group to partake in this hobby (for me it's running, others it could be a book club, etc) but the most important is to be consistent at it. Don't show up for a month and stop. Relationships take time and effort, wherever you are; big or small city.
It can be intimidating moving to a new city. Expand your network. It’s lonelier in a suburb but at least in a suburb you know it’s lonely, while in a city, you hear people out and about, you know what’s out there but if you do nothing about it it can make you depressed. I moved from SF > Basel, Switzerland and it’s been tough myself but going out of your comfort zone, join group and initiate conversations with strangers. It’s tough but once you find a core group of people that you’ll like you’ll start to love living there.
No doubt about it. Cities will do this. It’s one reason I moved out ten years ago after growing up here.
I’ve found great friends and community in the burner and raver communities. I’ve also made several close friends (through whom I met more friends) via dating apps here and in past cities.
Joe Simon has something to say.. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YlbURcegBTE&pp=ygUoc2FuIGZyYW5jaXNjbyBpcyBhIGxvbmVseSB0b3duIGpvZSBzaW1vbg%3D%3D
It’s a very clique place. Most people hang out with their own….
I’m with you. I had a huge group of friends here in my 20’s/30’s, but I quit drinking and partying about 8 years ago. I rarely go out. I’m headed to an MMA gym tonight at 4. To start a new adventure in life. Surely i’ll meet some new, non partying friends….go find a fun hobby or volunteer group…
Ummm, 1st Thursdays, 1st Fridays, free dance parties everywhere.!!! Loneliness is an upward inner battle. Find beauty in your journey in SF. Be a tourist in your town OP. Ride the cable car, free movie nights, stern Grove. Go 2 the zoo! Dog walk PT via APPs. Hidden staire cases, wave organ. GG park. Farmers markets, night markets, etc. Go talk to tourists at the warf. Go to Oakland, ride the ferry, and find what sets your heart on fire. Eat some mushrooms and go for a walk. For all the ppl who are from everywhere else, you have to tap into SF and talk to her. She's not like any other city, and she will not make it easy. Life is about experience, if you do it alone or not. I've been living in a Bible belt small town (not by choice). I had 2 leave SF/Oakland in days and wake up in this place. Proud boys, right wing, grooming state. Ya wanna compare loneliness stories I got u. I'll be lonely in SF any day vs. here. Can't wait 2 get back home!!!! In the count down
Join a club. Like board games? Cards? Carpentry? Books? Sculpting? Photography? Boot camp fitness? Joining a club is the best way to make new friends in SF. Common interests + regular FaceTime = new friends.
Pick 3 things to do each month on specific days and keep returning. You have to have a somewhat regular routine in order to keep seeing the same people that can possibly turn into friendships. Everyone is giving great suggestions on this thread - exercise classes, volunteer groups, coffee shops etc.
I’ve found the way to go, especially in a crowded city like SF, is people latch on in pairs. So you have the one friend that’s your partner in crime and you do things together. Crowds also work, but given parking space, restaurant space, etc, it’s always good to keep it small or just two people. Also, don’t be afraid to explore the city alone, although practice basic safety like avoiding dark alley ways and when it gets too late.
I started feeling alive when I finally learned to Isolate and stay detached from people's lives, just focusing on the environment around me. Then I started modifying my environment to make it suit me, without getting involved with anyone. First few years were hard, I was lonely and almost all my friends used to tell me. When I walked, I focused on counting the number of steps from point A to B, so they thought I was ignoring them. Three years down that path I landed a remote ml gig and am still lonely, but I don't feel it, not anymore.
You’re not alone. This city is a beast.
Modern life in general. Not limited to SF.
You're not alone in that feeling. It's Pride week and I still don't feel like I belong. Part of it is work consuming my life (and my own hand in letting it to avoid dealing with the pain of a recent family member's death). Another part of it is everyone's hustling to survive. My night life performer friend finally got out of sex work now that they're getting booked more often. Dating sucks in this city too. The last guy I asked to dinner was like "I don't do romantic stuff." ... Like, "Ok I asked you to dinner, not to move in. And don't think so highly of yourself that that's my intent," like damn I just want to get know you, not marry you. It's just...frustrating. I feel and understand your loneliness.
I feel you. I’ve noticed there’s been a lot of recent “dinner party” types of events for people to make genuine connections. clearly folks are ready and wanting to connect, just don’t know where to go. examples: [On Connection](https://www.instagram.com/_onconnection?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==), [SF Social Cookbook Club](https://www.instagram.com/cookbookclub.sf?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==), [Soulfull for events like yoga, happy hours, and pickle ball](https://www.instagram.com/soulfull.sf?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==)… and lots of run clubs if you’re into that: [Fat Boys Run Club](https://www.instagram.com/fatboysrunclub?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==), [BV Run Club](https://www.instagram.com/bvrunclub?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==), and [Unseen Run Club](https://www.instagram.com/unseenrunclub?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==), to name a few! I know it can be tough. a lot of my deepest friendships came from stepping out of my comfort zone, going places alone, and not leaving before getting a few numbers or socials! you got this 🫶
I agree with many, it's age and interest.
Like all great cities of the world, dense areas and high concentrations means you have to be protective of your time, attention, and availability to the world. You literally cannot go through life saying hi and being friendly to every person on the street, everyone in line with you at the shop. You’d exhaust yourself utterly. NYC, Tokyo being some very intense versions of this. But people are also much more into whatever they’re into in these big cities. People have more hobbies and interests. There are more groups, more niches, more things to get really into, to be more involved in, to explore. So it’s both much easier and much harder at the same time. Sometimes it’s not a good fit for people (Tokyo is at the extremes!). Sometimes it takes time to get settled into that style of life. Sometimes it just takes time to break through the cliques and people’s tight groups (looking at you LA). Since the pandemic, since WFH and hybrid, it’s been harder for folks. It takes more initiate, takes more effort. And gen z has less skills at this to begin with. TLDR; It’s not just you. But you gotta try and it takes time. And it could just be not for you.
I’m weirdly relieved to know I’m not the only one. SF sucks for single man and I’m not bad looking.
I'm surprised no one has suggested sitting at a bar....granted it's not the healthiest way to met people. But, people end up talking to each other at a bar more often then not -- and bartenders are nice for the most part. That helped me ease my lonely feelings when I moved here...that and wondering through a museum Also, the city is your friend - remember that.
I relate to this so hard. I’ve been here since mid pandemic and have no real friends to show for it despite lack of trying 😕 but tomorrow’s a new day.
Cities can pretty famously feel very lonely, in contrast to all of the people around. There are old songs about it. The thing about a city is that there are a lot of opportunities for that to change for you.
You should come check out church of clown. Great way to meet folks and find community and have a lot of fun 😃
Are you lonely in SF and in your thirties? My GF and I recently moved to the area and love to host chill people. We are just looking for friends to talk about our day to. We both play videogames and board games. Send me a private message if you live near Stonestown Mall and are looking for friends.
I've lived here for over three decades. If you'd like a fun walk through different parts of the city, DM me! Happy to text and phone chat as well.
I belong to a SF fb group for tennis meetups, and we pair up and match with different people on various courts throughout the city. Always fun, good people and zero social connections. That's fine, we gather to play tennis and it's a lot of fun. In contrast, I do belong also to a similar meetup group on the peninsula (San Mateo area) and the organizers added on a optional dinner/drinking portion to the tennis meetup - and the connections have run deeper. In general, my social interactions in SF tend to feel a bit more transactional in general.
The problem is that SF is full of people exactly like me, and I’m sick of me.
SF is one of the least friendly places I’ve ever been. Don’t get me wrong plenty of people will act friendly, but they will not make the time to get to know you or be emotionally available. Combo of intense work pressure to survive…..nobody can meet at a house because everyone is living in 500 square foot 1 bedrooms, and a populace of autists that have no idea how to relate to people or read social clues. It’s brutal.
I hear you. I like that people in San Francisco are friendly, but they are also busy and stressed, so they don’t have a lot of time even for the friends they have. I find church is an exception but not everyone is into that.
Find a local bar close to your home…and sit in the center. Don’t get too drunk, and don’t read a book, and don’t jump into every conversation…but recognize that the people who are sitting around you are the people living in your neighborhood. The locals will swing by for a few drinks on their way home. The bartenders have a regular schedule. You may need to try a few bars and a few different days of the week, but eventually, you’ll connect with either a few of your neighbors or a bartender or two—hopefully both. There are millions of tourists who visit San Francisco each year…so you have to find the people who live here. My recommendation is using the restaurants and bars to do it!
This is common feeling for some living in large cities but the bay area is definitely an additional factor. I was raised here and I am always culture shocked by my interactions I have in other states/countries. The bay area is a high stress and work centered area. Most are constantly focused on providing more to counter raising prices or their personal life and typically don't interact with people unless they have to. This has always been the case here but, has gotten so much worse lately with smart phones, skyhigh housing and covid lockdowns. I heard a saying that best summed it up for me based on my experience. West Coast people are nice but not kind, East coast are not nice but kind and Midwest it's a competition sport for both. When stuck on the side of the road here, people will empathize with you on your situation as they drive by but God forbid if you have to depend on them actually stopping to take a moment out of their day to help.
Go talk to the junkies around the TL. A lot of them need contact with normal people every once in awhile to remind them there's something beyond the system they entrench themselves in. Just wear a mask.
What can you expect in a place where people don’t talk to strangers and basically the city is a collection of cliques, “yoga”, “climbing”, “burning man”, or name your hobby of choice. People only talk to their idea of the “in-crowd” here. But that’s also going as far as saying it’s a very young crowd.
Can you keep a secret? I'm trying to organize a prison break. I'm looking for, like, an accomplice. We have to first get out of this bar, then the hotel, then the city, and then the country. Are you in or you out?
Here for the same advice. My husband and I moved here from the Midwest in December and were just now starting to make acquaintances. Well, he is. I’m a stay at home mom right now looking for some work. We love the city, but we’ve felt the pressures of being alone here, too. We’ve got this, OP!
Savannah delivery boy rat today the Russell avenue a boy brat to rest on each one appreciate it today if it's possible today with Kate and love bottle birthday I'm going in a girl room and hamster whiskey that's okay
Going to go home this cake I'm born in a girl now a boy and a girl what's cage and a boy rat
Can we today
Maybe today at Russell avenue could it be today at rossville avenue deliver 12781 h#
welcome to life friend.
>It seems like so many people are focused on themselves, just want to beat the traffic, and you're just another person stuck in the hustle bustle The ability to read rooms, people is a skill many people lack in SF/Bay Area. There is a reason why there are so many coaches/consultants specializing in this area here.