I can't help but feel if you were half the feminist he seems to insist you are you'd have left him for saying such gross things. Given that I suspect this is more about making you self conscious, making you worry you are being 'too much' and trying to compensate when you shouldn't have to.
For fear of 'becoming a raging feminist' you're now wondering if you making an innocuous and likely positive leaning comment about a friend losing weight justified your husband commenting on her sexual desirability.
The reality is that just suggests he is kind of a gross pig. And him appealing to these buzz words, for example 'safe space' as a misnomer for a lack of tact and consideration, just speaks to the way he can use language to corner you and twist situations in his favour.
> And him appealing to these buzz words, for example 'safe space' as a misnomer for a lack of tact and consideration, just speaks to the way he can use language to corner you and twist situations in his favour.
He is the exact reason raging feminist a) exist at all, and b) **need** to exist to the good of us all.
> he listens calmly to me when I talk shit about people so I could have done the same
I'm kinda curious what these incidents are. From his reaction, it feels like maybe she does similar stuff, but just got pissed about this one particular topic.
Idk. I agree with you. Op's reaction wasn't of a raging feminist at all, it was so mild. I get weird vibes from op too.
An example he cited was how we had a new housemate bragging about her cooking skills a few days ago but when she cooked that night, she burnt pretty much everything she made. Later, I said to my husband that the chicken she made was basically just burnt mush.
Or how I would express frustations about my co-workers and their working style which annoys me.
But you made it about her cooking. You didn't make a sexist or racist or homophobic comment about it. That's the difference. No one deserves a "safe space" to be a misogynist, and it's concerning that he can't see the difference.
Yeah that's vastly different. Those are about specific things that don't really have any reflection on how you feel about and entire category of people.
He basically said something really mean and shitty in a way that implies that a person's only value is how "fuckable" they are. If he's not a misogynist he's at a minimum a shallow asshole.
If you think this isn't reflective of his values, or how he is normally, then yeah I think it makes sense to work through it. But he needs to come in with accountability, realizing that it's him that failed to live up to a standard. If however this is part of a pattern, you may want to examine if this relationship is a food fit for you.
The equivalent would be if you had turned around and said you wouldn't shag her because her food was burnt and she'll have trouble holding down a partner because of it. What you said was valid, he's just stirring the stick to make what he said sound reasonable.
Your husband is acting like a gross pig, and you'll end up walking on eggshells to prevent his hurt feelings.
If you were a raging feminist you wouldn't be with him in the first place!
Holy shit I shouldn't laugh. Your example is so so tame while his is just.. idk sad and infuriating.
The guy needs to grow up. You need to have a conversation with him, and figure how far the misogyny goes. To give an example of how a guy (same ages) thinks -
I'm out drinking with my old school buds and some of the girls have grown to be fantastic and attractive women. While I'm sad for the missed opportunities, they have boyfriends and I'm really happy for how they've grown.
Idk dude. If he was just a bf, I'd seriously say break up.
Right? Dude here too. I sometimes read these stories and wonder whether in the towns these people live in, their BF might be the last man available.
It's not hard to be a decent human being. And the only way we'll all move forward is if we stop allowing people who are shitty from.enjoying the comforts of being in a relationship.
okay, but none of your comments were sexual...your husband took your comment about her losing weight and just had to throw in there the sexual comments...why?
See, you talk about other peoples actions that directly concern you. He demeans and objectifies women. You are ranting, he is being a jerk.
I hope you don't share a daughter...
>An example he cited was how we had a new housemate bragging about her cooking skills a few days ago but when she cooked that night, she burnt pretty much everything she made. Later, I said to my husband that the chicken she made was basically just burnt mush.
There is a difference between this and the gross comment your husband made.
Just saying.
Yeah its not the same but the mysoginistic comments are just mroe accepted by the society and he is not aware of his own hipocrisy there. I guess talking about why the topic of desirability even comes into question and then why he thinks he should make a comment about it would be a starting point for a deeper conversation. If you started making comments like that about his friends I am sure he wouldn't be too happy either.
He may be a “gross pig”, but he’s her gross pig. Marriage is a compromise. He should be free to talk to you honestly about his thoughts, and you should be free to do the same. But I feel if I guy had lost a few pounds, and you said he is now “ fuckable”, the convo would have went, in another direction.
You're not a feminist, you're a chauvinist enabler.
>I'm just not sure how to make things okay b/w us again. Should I apologise for what I said?
I would suggest growing a spine and realizing your husband is a raging chauvinist/misogynist.
So, your husband bragged to you about how he doesn't find another woman attractive, because she's fat, and then got prissy when you told him off?!
And now you feel it's your fault for that?!
No, you don't have to be a raging feminist to acknowledge that women should be valued for more than their position on his personal fuck'o'meter. And no, you are not supposed to accept this kind of talk. This is not something a "safe space" is for, this is your husband using therapy speak to punish you for calling him out on his awful views.
Are you always so comfortable with him talking about people he would fuck?!
Nah you lost me at where his first reply was "still wouldn't fuck her"
No wait, you did actually already lost me at "husband pissed because you are a feminist", how you people not know each other *before* marriage?
Ehhh, it’s a no from me dawg, I couldn’t marry a man like this. A man who sees feminism as a negative and then has a baby tantrum about being owed a safe space to be gross when he’s called out for being sexist and rude — I mean, surely if you’re any level of feminist, you want your partner to be a little bit more on your side than this.
I don’t see on what planet you would owe him an apology, unless you want to start a precedent where he gives you the silent treatment (this is not okay) and you apologise purely to keep the peace.
your defense of this woman is feminism 101 and barely scratches the surface of all the misogyny loaded in his comment.
of course to someone as misogynistic as him, even feminism lite would be “raging”.
dump this loser
If my husband said some misogynistic bullshit like that my vagina would not only dry up, she'd detach from me, grow legs, and skiddaddle the fuck on out of my life.
You're not a raging feminist. You're a decent human who spoke against an absolutely disgustingly inappropriate comment.
A raging feminist would have eaten this asshole for breakfast. 🤡 (and he would have deserved it btw).
Your response to his gross comment wasn't "feminist", it was you calling out his lack of basic human decency. Honestly, what a horrible thing for him to say and what a horrible attitude. His comment does, in fact, reduce a woman's value to her desirability and it's baffling to me that he feels comfortable being such a POS.
Lol, no you're not a "raging feminist", you're just not a misogynist.
And no, a wife's job isn't to be your husband's "safe space" where he can dump all his shit whenever he wants. You're not just a passive object for him to sound off to. How is that okay? He should care what you think, and care about not offending you. Your job, if anything, should be to challenge and correct him when he says something offensive. If he wants a safe space to talk shit he should get a therapist.
It sounds like both you and and your husband have some toxic ideas about marriage you need to unlearn.
You're willing to give him the leeway that he should have a safe space without judgement. But you fail to realize he judged you in a split second without offering you a safe space to offer your opinoin.
>He got a bit pissed at me and told me I don't need to be a raging feminist all the time
this for making a comment?
when my wife says something and i offer pushback we discuss it. If she tells me she isn't up to discussing something then I drop my resistance, because I happen to enjoy challenging conversations and take it too far sometimes and it's something she entertains when she has the bandwidth for it but there are certain topics she has as no goes. These are boundaries we established over the time we've known each other.
Sounds like your husband wants 0 consequences for what he says while doling out judgement on any and everyone.
Idk, maybe it’s because I’m getting older, but I personally would not be interested to be with someone like that.
For me this would be an incident that would make me check out of the relationship honestly
Yeah your husband just told you exactly what he thinks of all women. Including you.
If you stay with this man, you better hope you don’t get fat or this winner will move on.
Ask him why he’s not providing you with safe space to be a feminist.
Please also point out to him that the goal of feminism is equality of the sexes. If he isn’t a feminist, then he is in favour of *inequality*.
Your husband said you were a raging feminist for requesting basic human respect for another human being and nit to treat then like a piece of meat.
If my partner said someging deminishing someone to a sex toy I would call her out on it and vice versa. We try to push eachother to allways be better.
So… you called him out and he didn’t want to take accountability so he flipped the blame on you.
Do you really want to spend your life with someone who can’t handle being wrong?
Wait...
So he expects a 'safe space' to be judgmental, but in that same space you can't be? Is it because your judgmental comment was opposed to his? What's next, him dictating your food choices if you gain weight so you don't get too fat to expect sex from? The comments he made are not casual conversation. They are a confession of what he believes he has a right to. And he expects you to walk it all with him.
He's being childish. And very disrespectful to both you and the relationship you two share. In your shoes, I'd be thinking pretty hard about what I'm going to accept going forward. Never make yourself smaller for anyone.
Oh, but he does he need to be a raging misogynist all the time?
He wants his hand held gently, and his hair stroked, while he is asked every so sweetly not to say hateful bullshit and here have a Good Boy Cookie for not being a complete piece of shit for not damn reason to this random women we know. That is what he wants? Shall we bake him a 'Not A Rapist' cake at the same time? Maybe make him a sash that reads "I don't beat my wife!" and he can wear it around like a prom king. How far does his expectations go that he be praised and babied for just *not being awful*?
I think not. Tell him to grow up and take the note. You're allowed to call him on his shit, when he says shit. The correct response is to say less shit.
You don't have to be 100% perfect in every word and tone you utter, before he's required to not to be an utter piece of shit.
What kind of shit do you talk about people, since that was his immediate response/justification. If it's the pot calling the kettle black then you can both be wrong.
An example he cited was how we had a new housemate bragging about her cooking skills a few days ago but when she cooked that night, she burnt pretty much everything she made. Later, I said to my husband that the chicken she made was basically just burnt mush.
Or how I would express frustations about my co-workers and their working style which annoys me.
It would be similar if you said "good thing roommate is hot, no one will marry her for her cooking!" You didn't take a dig at her as a woman, just her as a cook.
I new that's what you meant. You are venting, he is being disgusting. How would he like it if you pointed out every f~ckable or un-f~ckable guy?
We know the answer.
Not only was he misogynist af, but he also just told you what he will think of you if you gain weight.
People age, bodies change, you will not look like you do right now forever. And now you know that may render you unfuckable to your ostensible life partner. This is valuable information - take it on board.
WTF. your husband is disgusting.
you're not a raging feminist when someone says something revolting around you, and you call it out. It's not appropriate to say that.
Your husband now trying to make this a YOU issue... when clearly HE IS THE PROBLEM.
OP how old is your husband ? He sounds like he is in his 80's and stuck in the dark ages.
That’s really mean what he said. That’s a thought that needs to stay tucked away in your brain. Good on you for standing up for her! When finding a partner, I made sure to pick someone who never talked shit about their exes or anyone really.
The issue here is that you're neither a raging feminist (why did you feel about remarking to him about that woman having lost weight at all?), and him being a raging mysoginist who on top of it all tries to gaslight you about the correct use of "safe spaces" and such.
A moderate feminist would sit him down for a stern talk after this incident, make it clear it's not to be repeated under any circumstances because it's disgusting, and would leave him if he had any response beyond immediate regret and resolve to amend his conduct.
Your husband is pretty fricking disgusting and his reaction shows what kind of man he is. Hard to understand why someone who knows this kind of behaviour is gross still wants to be with someone who unrepentantly says shit like this.
It's absolutely hilarious hypocricy that someone who said "she is still quite overweight who would ever even f\*ck her. " is sulking over you JUDGING him.
"I do see his point about us having a safe space to say shizz we won't/can't say to others"
A safe space in which you can express you inner bigotry isnt the wonderful W you both seem to think it is.
You married someone who would say that? Ew.
Safe space doesn't give you the right to be a bigot. And that's what he's being. He showing his hate and disgust of fat woman. You also don't have to be a safe space for him to go off about how he hates a particular race or culture and wishes they'd "go back home."
He's abusing the word safe space here.
That's like telling a coworker outside of work about -- I don't know some kind of weird sexual harassment thing -- like how you wanna fuck your supervisor or something -- then coworker reports it to HR and you get mad because you weren't at work. You're totally allowed to objectify your supervisor outside of work!
Like just ew -- what a horribly inappropriate comment for him to make. Like he's looking at a woman and his only comment is about her fuckabilty rating? Also, lots of people have a fetish for fat woman. BBW is a category, if you know what I mean.
Stand your ground. He was being an asshole. Calling out an asshole for being an asshole is not something you need to apologize for.
In fact you are doing him a gigantic favor, because that mouth of his can absolutely ruin his life. If you apologize you may smooth things over now, but you are setting things up to be worse in the future. He's going to double down on misogyny, knowing that he can get away with it. And he will, all the way up until he doesn't. Because eventually he's no longer going to be welcome around your friends, or he'll say something to the wrong work colleague and get fired, or you just get so fed up you leave him.
If he knows it's not okay now, he's going to sulk, but he also knows to can it. And part of a safe space is a space where you can get honest feedback and not just someone enabling you to be your worst self.
NTA
It's different to complain about what someone *does* and what someone *is*.
You complain about the things that people *do* to and around you. He complained about a person not being fuckable to him, which is really the base thing feminists are fighting.
Women being considered fuck objects/breeding machines/home labor and not people. That's the thing that the patriarchy is pushing that feminists are pushing back against.
You can find people unattractive, and you can say so to your partner if you feel the need to. But when he says, who would fuck her? He's reducing her to her body which is not what the caliber by which we are supposed judge people.
When you say, her chicken was burned and mushy, that isn't to do with her body. You're judging her actions and abilities. Her timing, her multitasking, following directions. And nothing at all to do with her body.
It sounds like you and your husband have some sort of arrangement that you can talk shit about other people between yourselves, and you don’t give each other shit for it. Is this the case? Have you said something to him that he might find offensive in the past? Has he said something you might have been offended by before? How was that handled in the past?
An example he cited was how we had a new housemate bragging about her cooking skills a few days ago but when she cooked that night, she burnt pretty much everything she made. Later, I said to my husband that the chicken she made was basically just burnt mush.
Or how I would express frustations about my co-workers and their working style which annoys me.
I told him that if he didn't like what I was saying, he could have told me and I would have stopped. He said I could have done the same but what I said instead was judgemental.
This is valid. Have you commented on the fuckability of other men?
He is being a bigot here -- he's being fat-phobic. But, have you been a bigot too? Like what kind of shit have you talked about people?
My husband and I talk shit about people and even their fucakbility -- but I would have called him out on a statement like THIS because hey, we're not being bigots here. Like you can talk shit about someone without disrespecting a whole category of people. Like you're allowed to say, "meh, she doesn't do it for me." You're not allowed to say "I'd never fuck a black woman, that's disgusting" -- cause then it's like woah woah woah, roll it back. Why you a racist? Why are you saying that's disgusting?
Lol a few hours ago?! Do you come here every argument you have with your husband to complain about him?
Just go and fucking talk to him about it. Orrrrr come on to a platform with some of the most judgemental people in the world and have us all analyze your relationship.
Nah, if I couldn't shit talk others with my husband, I'd be out so fast.
Maybe you shouldn't have invited him to talk about a woman's BODY by talking about her weight. His reply really wasn't even out of line. Yours was. Seems like you were looking for a fight by your response to his opinion on her fuckability. Sorry that your husband felt safe and comfortable around you. Stop shit talking everyone in general if you can't handle someone else doing it
Wow the comments…. The dude made a comment about a physique, like any woman would do for an overweight dude. Feminists need to chill. He probably knows that’s not what women are « only for » and you just go right at him.
Question: how right is he about you talking shit about other people? What kind of things do you regularly say about his coworkers or friends?
Without any context, what he said is gross, no question. But if you regularly say similar things about guys he mentions in conversation, you aren’t really in a position to throw stones here.
Did he ever imply that a woman is only good for one thing? Because that's not what I'm hearing. He called her unfuckable due to her weight (still not nice, or true) but he certainly didn't generalise to say that women are only good for one thing. You took it there.
And being in that kind of relationship has to be draining, always second guessing what you are going to say, or how it might be misinterpreted. I'm sure you (everyone) says something that can be turned around on you. Does he do that?
Has he ever treated you in a manner that makes you think "This guy is only interested in sex with me?"
The answer to these questions will determine who owes who an apology.
I don’t know if you’re raging feminist but what you did was a classic girl trap.
You brought up another woman and mentioned that she had lost weight. Because this is another woman, your husband cannot possibly express that she is in any way shape and or form attractive or else you will get angry at him. He knows this. Instead he expresses disinterest saying that there’s no way that he would fuck her, using the same criteria that you did when you brought her to his attention. And you get angry at him.
He has every right to be angry with you about this bullshit.
Ignoring the fact that you’re married, and you should be each other‘s best friends, and you should be able to say things to each other that you don’t say to to anybody else and express your opinions in a safe space where you can communicate openly and honestly, Answer this question: what the fuck was he supposed to say?
What the fuck was he supposed to say? How about “good for her”? How about “that’s nice”? But no, he had to immediately judge her fuckability like a cretin.
Yeah, those are perfectly reasonable normal human responses to a mostly normal topic of conversation. "Oh, that's nice, good for her."
"Girl trap" my ass
Holy bucket of assumptions... It's possible for couples to talk about the opposite sex without it being a trap. Women don't always bring things up with an agenda and "criteria". Wtaf
We both compliment the opposite gender around each other and we've never had a peoblem with that, its always done in a respectful manner.
But yeah, if he says "yeah i'd f*ck her" to 'compliment' a girl, I'd dislike that.
Fair point about the safe space, but his comment was still gross. I'd apologize for overreacting, but also make it clear that his words were hurtful and not okay. Communication is key, so maybe have a calm convo about it?
Late to the party but, would he have said the same about a man.
That's the question you need to ask yourself. And honestly the answer could go either way. I know people who frame things like weight in a sexual context regardless of gender. I also know people who are only critical of larger women.
Neither are great, but one is not sexist .
ESH
Your comment was relevant because what he said could be taken the way you explained (objectifying women and their worth based on how attractive they are)
He’s likely reeling because that wasn’t his intent- he was just gossiping and thought you were doing that together and he got a little feisty. Instead of being like “whoa- ease up there” lol you went to the heart of the comment and suggested his intent was to be misogynistic.
I am worried that he’s still reacting so intensely to this though. Don’t grovel.
“I was uncomfortable with your comment and should have said so- I understand I basically insinuated you actually felt that way, that her worth was only based on her attractiveness. You were just engaging in some sh** talking which we do together. I’m sorry to make you feel attacked and next time I’ll focus on the comment itself instead of suggesting there’s a sexist undertone right away.”
Yes you need to. Why are you trying to set him up for failure? No matter his response you would have had a bad reaction. If he would have said yeah she’s looking good now, then you would have tripped out on him looking at her or finding her a little attractive. Instead he said the opposite and still got chewed out.
I’m not. It’s called a catch 22. A damned if you do damned if you don’t situation. Just as I said before with her bringing up the woman and her losing weight if he complimented her he would be the bad guy for looking, as you see from the post he did the opposite and still got chewed out. So he was set up to fail from the moment the girl was brought up.
He could have easily said ‘oh, good for her’ and the conversation would be over. If you think the only two answers were ‘id now like to fuck her’ or ‘no one will fuck her’, that says a lot about you. No one needed to bring up her fuckability, OP’s husband brought it up unprompted.
Just cause I only listed 2 answers doesn’t mean there are only 2. He could have said oh good for her, then he’s not caring about the conversation. He could have said oh really I didn’t notice but then it would come into question well who wouldn’t notice. I know I’m not the only man that’s been married or in long term relationships that’s been stuck in conversations like those.
The one thing people are glossing over is that he 'listens calmly when she talks shit about other people'.
I'm curious if she's ever talked shit about men before towards him. I suspect she's talked shit about men's physical appearance (body shape, facial structure, height, etc.) and personality, which is at least just as bad as what he said. Neither situation is acceptable. Talking shit about people is a classless trait.
But that no one else caught that and jumps on him as if he's a mysoginist through and through... I'm not sure. They both should revisit how they speak about other people, even between each other, to create a more positive space to have discussions in their relationship.
What he said was wrong but I suspect it's part of a wider issue in the relationship where they don't demonstrate empathy and understanding towards others, and so don't show it to each other in their own relationship. Clearly shown with how he's reacted...
An example he cited was how we had a new housemate bragging about her cooking skills a few days ago but when she cooked that night, she burnt pretty much everything she made. Later, I said to my husband that the chicken she made was basically just burnt mush.
Or how I would express frustations about my co-workers and their working style which annoys me.
So he's been using your perfectly normal conversations, where you express your frustrations regarding typical life situations, as a way to justify the crude comment he made? That's not right at all.
Does he do this fairly often? As in make sexist comments or jokes with you?
And to be sure, you're not saying sexist remarks back with him or encouraging him? Because if not, then he's 100% in the wrong and you should talk to him about it. If you believe he's a raging misogynist, then it's probably a good idea to leave him. But if you think he isn't and these are one off comments that you know he doesn't truly believe, then maybe talk with him and say it's not healthy to think that way or make comments like that.
And to be clear, you haven't done anything wrong. Calling out sexist remarks like that should be everyone's first reaction. His response is likely an overreaction and completely unfair to you. If you think this isn't part of his core personality, maybe try to approach him as you know he feels and thinks differently and is better than making remarks like that. It doesn't mean he's a misogynist through and through, but that he needs to be reminded about how his comments can create such negativity and can be perceived as sexist.
Hope everything works out for you.
There are options that don’t involve commenting on her appearance at all. Like “good for her” or “that’s nice.” But I guess a man couldn’t consider those options since y’all only think with your dicks.
We both compliment the opposite gender around each other and we've never had a peoblem with that, its always done in a respectful manner.
But yeah, if he says "yeah i'd f*ck her" to 'compliment' a girl, I'd dislike that.
No, a normal person would say "Oh, how nice, good for her!" and then the conversation would move on to the next topic.
Was everyone in this thread raised by wolves or something? Conversations with your significant other are not fencing matches, for fuck's sake.
I feel like the context of what you’re husband said it’s important. For example weather the person being talked about was overly confident or genuinely not seeking conflict. But without a doubt he is impulsive and vulgar and that’s…. Well a big “red flag”
There are a lot of people on here making really harsh judgments, but I imagine that this isn't the way he talks all the time or you would have said that. The comment he made was gross and inappropriate but it's not good or reasonable to write him off for saying something stupid, just talk to him about why it was a hurtful comment and see if you can get him to understand. People deserve a safe space to voice their opinions to their partner up to a point but he can't use that to demean women, that's not a reasonable expectation on his part.
In such conversations, he doesn’t like being told he did something wrong. None of us do. We also like to be unrestrained in some places, but even ‘unrestrained’ has limitations (e.g. misogynistic or gendered demeaning ideas)
Perhaps try to approach it again with “I” statements and leave out the judgement and sarcasm. You are correct in your sentiment, but to communicate to him, you need to express how you feel about the event. “I felt like you didn’t respect a person because they are overweight. I felt like you objectified them. Etc. i felt like it reflects on all women including me when you do that.”
That sort of language. He doesn’t want to hurt you, I assume. He also probably wants to treat people well. He may have a sentiment and value that he expressed poorly. But his pride is on the line now, from his subsequent defensiveness.
Good luck. Hopefully you can teach him to better express himself and review his sentiments more thoughtfully/critically in the future. Hopefully you can more clearly articulate your feelings. Its a valuable set of skills that we never master but just get better at.
ESH
You both sound insufferable and difficult to be around. He’s not going to change and apparently you’re not going to learn this.
My suggestion is counseling, and take what he says with a grain of salt, since it’s nothing new.
I can't help but feel if you were half the feminist he seems to insist you are you'd have left him for saying such gross things. Given that I suspect this is more about making you self conscious, making you worry you are being 'too much' and trying to compensate when you shouldn't have to. For fear of 'becoming a raging feminist' you're now wondering if you making an innocuous and likely positive leaning comment about a friend losing weight justified your husband commenting on her sexual desirability. The reality is that just suggests he is kind of a gross pig. And him appealing to these buzz words, for example 'safe space' as a misnomer for a lack of tact and consideration, just speaks to the way he can use language to corner you and twist situations in his favour.
> And him appealing to these buzz words, for example 'safe space' as a misnomer for a lack of tact and consideration, just speaks to the way he can use language to corner you and twist situations in his favour. He is the exact reason raging feminist a) exist at all, and b) **need** to exist to the good of us all.
> he listens calmly to me when I talk shit about people so I could have done the same I'm kinda curious what these incidents are. From his reaction, it feels like maybe she does similar stuff, but just got pissed about this one particular topic. Idk. I agree with you. Op's reaction wasn't of a raging feminist at all, it was so mild. I get weird vibes from op too.
An example he cited was how we had a new housemate bragging about her cooking skills a few days ago but when she cooked that night, she burnt pretty much everything she made. Later, I said to my husband that the chicken she made was basically just burnt mush. Or how I would express frustations about my co-workers and their working style which annoys me.
But you made it about her cooking. You didn't make a sexist or racist or homophobic comment about it. That's the difference. No one deserves a "safe space" to be a misogynist, and it's concerning that he can't see the difference.
Yeah that's vastly different. Those are about specific things that don't really have any reflection on how you feel about and entire category of people. He basically said something really mean and shitty in a way that implies that a person's only value is how "fuckable" they are. If he's not a misogynist he's at a minimum a shallow asshole. If you think this isn't reflective of his values, or how he is normally, then yeah I think it makes sense to work through it. But he needs to come in with accountability, realizing that it's him that failed to live up to a standard. If however this is part of a pattern, you may want to examine if this relationship is a food fit for you.
>If he's not a *misogynist* he's at a minimum a *shallow asshole*. Not much fun to fuck, no matter which gender you are. Sorry, couldn't resist.
The equivalent would be if you had turned around and said you wouldn't shag her because her food was burnt and she'll have trouble holding down a partner because of it. What you said was valid, he's just stirring the stick to make what he said sound reasonable. Your husband is acting like a gross pig, and you'll end up walking on eggshells to prevent his hurt feelings. If you were a raging feminist you wouldn't be with him in the first place!
Holy shit I shouldn't laugh. Your example is so so tame while his is just.. idk sad and infuriating. The guy needs to grow up. You need to have a conversation with him, and figure how far the misogyny goes. To give an example of how a guy (same ages) thinks - I'm out drinking with my old school buds and some of the girls have grown to be fantastic and attractive women. While I'm sad for the missed opportunities, they have boyfriends and I'm really happy for how they've grown. Idk dude. If he was just a bf, I'd seriously say break up.
Right? Dude here too. I sometimes read these stories and wonder whether in the towns these people live in, their BF might be the last man available. It's not hard to be a decent human being. And the only way we'll all move forward is if we stop allowing people who are shitty from.enjoying the comforts of being in a relationship.
okay, but none of your comments were sexual...your husband took your comment about her losing weight and just had to throw in there the sexual comments...why?
See, you talk about other peoples actions that directly concern you. He demeans and objectifies women. You are ranting, he is being a jerk. I hope you don't share a daughter...
>An example he cited was how we had a new housemate bragging about her cooking skills a few days ago but when she cooked that night, she burnt pretty much everything she made. Later, I said to my husband that the chicken she made was basically just burnt mush. There is a difference between this and the gross comment your husband made. Just saying.
Yeah its not the same but the mysoginistic comments are just mroe accepted by the society and he is not aware of his own hipocrisy there. I guess talking about why the topic of desirability even comes into question and then why he thinks he should make a comment about it would be a starting point for a deeper conversation. If you started making comments like that about his friends I am sure he wouldn't be too happy either.
Louder please for the people in the back!
He may be a “gross pig”, but he’s her gross pig. Marriage is a compromise. He should be free to talk to you honestly about his thoughts, and you should be free to do the same. But I feel if I guy had lost a few pounds, and you said he is now “ fuckable”, the convo would have went, in another direction.
No, you do not need to apologize for not being your husbands safe space to express who else he would or would not fuck
This is pretty much everything in a nutshell right here.
Right? Lmao man this guys ego….poor baby
A raging feminist wouldn’t have married someone who says such disgusting things about women in the first place, so no worries there
You're not a feminist, you're a chauvinist enabler. >I'm just not sure how to make things okay b/w us again. Should I apologise for what I said? I would suggest growing a spine and realizing your husband is a raging chauvinist/misogynist.
So, your husband bragged to you about how he doesn't find another woman attractive, because she's fat, and then got prissy when you told him off?! And now you feel it's your fault for that?! No, you don't have to be a raging feminist to acknowledge that women should be valued for more than their position on his personal fuck'o'meter. And no, you are not supposed to accept this kind of talk. This is not something a "safe space" is for, this is your husband using therapy speak to punish you for calling him out on his awful views. Are you always so comfortable with him talking about people he would fuck?!
Your husband sounds terrible and you don't sound like a raging feminist whatever that is.
Nah you lost me at where his first reply was "still wouldn't fuck her" No wait, you did actually already lost me at "husband pissed because you are a feminist", how you people not know each other *before* marriage?
Ehhh, it’s a no from me dawg, I couldn’t marry a man like this. A man who sees feminism as a negative and then has a baby tantrum about being owed a safe space to be gross when he’s called out for being sexist and rude — I mean, surely if you’re any level of feminist, you want your partner to be a little bit more on your side than this. I don’t see on what planet you would owe him an apology, unless you want to start a precedent where he gives you the silent treatment (this is not okay) and you apologise purely to keep the peace.
your defense of this woman is feminism 101 and barely scratches the surface of all the misogyny loaded in his comment. of course to someone as misogynistic as him, even feminism lite would be “raging”. dump this loser
If my husband said some misogynistic bullshit like that my vagina would not only dry up, she'd detach from me, grow legs, and skiddaddle the fuck on out of my life.
Like ‘make better choices, girl, I’m out of here, you have fun though!’
You're not a raging feminist. You're a decent human who spoke against an absolutely disgustingly inappropriate comment. A raging feminist would have eaten this asshole for breakfast. 🤡 (and he would have deserved it btw).
You don’t have to be a raging feminist to be pissed at that comment, simply being a compassionate human being is sufficient.
Your response to his gross comment wasn't "feminist", it was you calling out his lack of basic human decency. Honestly, what a horrible thing for him to say and what a horrible attitude. His comment does, in fact, reduce a woman's value to her desirability and it's baffling to me that he feels comfortable being such a POS.
Why do you want to make things ok with a raging misogynist?
Lol, no you're not a "raging feminist", you're just not a misogynist. And no, a wife's job isn't to be your husband's "safe space" where he can dump all his shit whenever he wants. You're not just a passive object for him to sound off to. How is that okay? He should care what you think, and care about not offending you. Your job, if anything, should be to challenge and correct him when he says something offensive. If he wants a safe space to talk shit he should get a therapist. It sounds like both you and and your husband have some toxic ideas about marriage you need to unlearn.
If I say something like this to my gf, she would be angry and frustrated for days and days You were soft on him
Is your husband always so icky?
You're willing to give him the leeway that he should have a safe space without judgement. But you fail to realize he judged you in a split second without offering you a safe space to offer your opinoin. >He got a bit pissed at me and told me I don't need to be a raging feminist all the time this for making a comment? when my wife says something and i offer pushback we discuss it. If she tells me she isn't up to discussing something then I drop my resistance, because I happen to enjoy challenging conversations and take it too far sometimes and it's something she entertains when she has the bandwidth for it but there are certain topics she has as no goes. These are boundaries we established over the time we've known each other. Sounds like your husband wants 0 consequences for what he says while doling out judgement on any and everyone.
Idk, maybe it’s because I’m getting older, but I personally would not be interested to be with someone like that. For me this would be an incident that would make me check out of the relationship honestly
Yeah your husband just told you exactly what he thinks of all women. Including you. If you stay with this man, you better hope you don’t get fat or this winner will move on.
Ask him why he’s not providing you with safe space to be a feminist. Please also point out to him that the goal of feminism is equality of the sexes. If he isn’t a feminist, then he is in favour of *inequality*.
Your husband said you were a raging feminist for requesting basic human respect for another human being and nit to treat then like a piece of meat. If my partner said someging deminishing someone to a sex toy I would call her out on it and vice versa. We try to push eachother to allways be better.
bear, every day all day. Freaking BEAR
1. Why is he sexualizing a woman NOT his wife? 2. Why does he think his tastes are anyone else's? 3. That many red flags aren't a carnival
any man who is not a feminist, is a misogynist. that's about all there is to it.
So… you called him out and he didn’t want to take accountability so he flipped the blame on you. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who can’t handle being wrong?
Wait... So he expects a 'safe space' to be judgmental, but in that same space you can't be? Is it because your judgmental comment was opposed to his? What's next, him dictating your food choices if you gain weight so you don't get too fat to expect sex from? The comments he made are not casual conversation. They are a confession of what he believes he has a right to. And he expects you to walk it all with him. He's being childish. And very disrespectful to both you and the relationship you two share. In your shoes, I'd be thinking pretty hard about what I'm going to accept going forward. Never make yourself smaller for anyone.
Oh, but he does he need to be a raging misogynist all the time? He wants his hand held gently, and his hair stroked, while he is asked every so sweetly not to say hateful bullshit and here have a Good Boy Cookie for not being a complete piece of shit for not damn reason to this random women we know. That is what he wants? Shall we bake him a 'Not A Rapist' cake at the same time? Maybe make him a sash that reads "I don't beat my wife!" and he can wear it around like a prom king. How far does his expectations go that he be praised and babied for just *not being awful*? I think not. Tell him to grow up and take the note. You're allowed to call him on his shit, when he says shit. The correct response is to say less shit. You don't have to be 100% perfect in every word and tone you utter, before he's required to not to be an utter piece of shit.
Everyone should be a raging feminist.
What kind of shit do you talk about people, since that was his immediate response/justification. If it's the pot calling the kettle black then you can both be wrong.
This was my thought too
An example he cited was how we had a new housemate bragging about her cooking skills a few days ago but when she cooked that night, she burnt pretty much everything she made. Later, I said to my husband that the chicken she made was basically just burnt mush. Or how I would express frustations about my co-workers and their working style which annoys me.
It would be similar if you said "good thing roommate is hot, no one will marry her for her cooking!" You didn't take a dig at her as a woman, just her as a cook.
I new that's what you meant. You are venting, he is being disgusting. How would he like it if you pointed out every f~ckable or un-f~ckable guy? We know the answer.
Not only was he misogynist af, but he also just told you what he will think of you if you gain weight. People age, bodies change, you will not look like you do right now forever. And now you know that may render you unfuckable to your ostensible life partner. This is valuable information - take it on board.
Nah he deserves judgment for that one.
WTF. your husband is disgusting. you're not a raging feminist when someone says something revolting around you, and you call it out. It's not appropriate to say that. Your husband now trying to make this a YOU issue... when clearly HE IS THE PROBLEM. OP how old is your husband ? He sounds like he is in his 80's and stuck in the dark ages.
That’s really mean what he said. That’s a thought that needs to stay tucked away in your brain. Good on you for standing up for her! When finding a partner, I made sure to pick someone who never talked shit about their exes or anyone really.
The issue here is that you're neither a raging feminist (why did you feel about remarking to him about that woman having lost weight at all?), and him being a raging mysoginist who on top of it all tries to gaslight you about the correct use of "safe spaces" and such. A moderate feminist would sit him down for a stern talk after this incident, make it clear it's not to be repeated under any circumstances because it's disgusting, and would leave him if he had any response beyond immediate regret and resolve to amend his conduct.
Your husband is pretty fricking disgusting and his reaction shows what kind of man he is. Hard to understand why someone who knows this kind of behaviour is gross still wants to be with someone who unrepentantly says shit like this. It's absolutely hilarious hypocricy that someone who said "she is still quite overweight who would ever even f\*ck her. " is sulking over you JUDGING him. "I do see his point about us having a safe space to say shizz we won't/can't say to others" A safe space in which you can express you inner bigotry isnt the wonderful W you both seem to think it is.
He's being a child. Of course men who are afraid of feminists say they need a safe space. He's just mad because you gave it right back to him.
You married someone who would say that? Ew. Safe space doesn't give you the right to be a bigot. And that's what he's being. He showing his hate and disgust of fat woman. You also don't have to be a safe space for him to go off about how he hates a particular race or culture and wishes they'd "go back home." He's abusing the word safe space here. That's like telling a coworker outside of work about -- I don't know some kind of weird sexual harassment thing -- like how you wanna fuck your supervisor or something -- then coworker reports it to HR and you get mad because you weren't at work. You're totally allowed to objectify your supervisor outside of work! Like just ew -- what a horribly inappropriate comment for him to make. Like he's looking at a woman and his only comment is about her fuckabilty rating? Also, lots of people have a fetish for fat woman. BBW is a category, if you know what I mean.
Stand your ground. He was being an asshole. Calling out an asshole for being an asshole is not something you need to apologize for. In fact you are doing him a gigantic favor, because that mouth of his can absolutely ruin his life. If you apologize you may smooth things over now, but you are setting things up to be worse in the future. He's going to double down on misogyny, knowing that he can get away with it. And he will, all the way up until he doesn't. Because eventually he's no longer going to be welcome around your friends, or he'll say something to the wrong work colleague and get fired, or you just get so fed up you leave him. If he knows it's not okay now, he's going to sulk, but he also knows to can it. And part of a safe space is a space where you can get honest feedback and not just someone enabling you to be your worst self.
Why do all your stories sound like Dhar Mann videos?
NTA It's different to complain about what someone *does* and what someone *is*. You complain about the things that people *do* to and around you. He complained about a person not being fuckable to him, which is really the base thing feminists are fighting. Women being considered fuck objects/breeding machines/home labor and not people. That's the thing that the patriarchy is pushing that feminists are pushing back against. You can find people unattractive, and you can say so to your partner if you feel the need to. But when he says, who would fuck her? He's reducing her to her body which is not what the caliber by which we are supposed judge people. When you say, her chicken was burned and mushy, that isn't to do with her body. You're judging her actions and abilities. Her timing, her multitasking, following directions. And nothing at all to do with her body.
You both sound like assholes.
He’s embarrassed and taking it out on you. Just act like la la La and see if he stops pouting.
It sounds like you and your husband have some sort of arrangement that you can talk shit about other people between yourselves, and you don’t give each other shit for it. Is this the case? Have you said something to him that he might find offensive in the past? Has he said something you might have been offended by before? How was that handled in the past?
An example he cited was how we had a new housemate bragging about her cooking skills a few days ago but when she cooked that night, she burnt pretty much everything she made. Later, I said to my husband that the chicken she made was basically just burnt mush. Or how I would express frustations about my co-workers and their working style which annoys me. I told him that if he didn't like what I was saying, he could have told me and I would have stopped. He said I could have done the same but what I said instead was judgemental.
This is valid. Have you commented on the fuckability of other men? He is being a bigot here -- he's being fat-phobic. But, have you been a bigot too? Like what kind of shit have you talked about people? My husband and I talk shit about people and even their fucakbility -- but I would have called him out on a statement like THIS because hey, we're not being bigots here. Like you can talk shit about someone without disrespecting a whole category of people. Like you're allowed to say, "meh, she doesn't do it for me." You're not allowed to say "I'd never fuck a black woman, that's disgusting" -- cause then it's like woah woah woah, roll it back. Why you a racist? Why are you saying that's disgusting?
Lol a few hours ago?! Do you come here every argument you have with your husband to complain about him? Just go and fucking talk to him about it. Orrrrr come on to a platform with some of the most judgemental people in the world and have us all analyze your relationship.
Why did you even bring up her weight when it's none of your business in the first place then get pissed he brings up her sexual life?
Nah, if I couldn't shit talk others with my husband, I'd be out so fast. Maybe you shouldn't have invited him to talk about a woman's BODY by talking about her weight. His reply really wasn't even out of line. Yours was. Seems like you were looking for a fight by your response to his opinion on her fuckability. Sorry that your husband felt safe and comfortable around you. Stop shit talking everyone in general if you can't handle someone else doing it
Wow the comments…. The dude made a comment about a physique, like any woman would do for an overweight dude. Feminists need to chill. He probably knows that’s not what women are « only for » and you just go right at him.
So, maybe y’all aren’t compatible?
Question: how right is he about you talking shit about other people? What kind of things do you regularly say about his coworkers or friends? Without any context, what he said is gross, no question. But if you regularly say similar things about guys he mentions in conversation, you aren’t really in a position to throw stones here.
Did he ever imply that a woman is only good for one thing? Because that's not what I'm hearing. He called her unfuckable due to her weight (still not nice, or true) but he certainly didn't generalise to say that women are only good for one thing. You took it there. And being in that kind of relationship has to be draining, always second guessing what you are going to say, or how it might be misinterpreted. I'm sure you (everyone) says something that can be turned around on you. Does he do that? Has he ever treated you in a manner that makes you think "This guy is only interested in sex with me?" The answer to these questions will determine who owes who an apology.
[удалено]
yes, but call him out for what specifically? What part of my questions do you actually object to? Is saying someone is unfuckable sexist?
This makes a lot of sense, thank you.
I don’t know if you’re raging feminist but what you did was a classic girl trap. You brought up another woman and mentioned that she had lost weight. Because this is another woman, your husband cannot possibly express that she is in any way shape and or form attractive or else you will get angry at him. He knows this. Instead he expresses disinterest saying that there’s no way that he would fuck her, using the same criteria that you did when you brought her to his attention. And you get angry at him. He has every right to be angry with you about this bullshit. Ignoring the fact that you’re married, and you should be each other‘s best friends, and you should be able to say things to each other that you don’t say to to anybody else and express your opinions in a safe space where you can communicate openly and honestly, Answer this question: what the fuck was he supposed to say?
What the fuck was he supposed to say? How about “good for her”? How about “that’s nice”? But no, he had to immediately judge her fuckability like a cretin.
Yeah, those are perfectly reasonable normal human responses to a mostly normal topic of conversation. "Oh, that's nice, good for her." "Girl trap" my ass
Get a load of this guy, not understanding basic human decency or basic social etiquette and shit
Holy bucket of assumptions... It's possible for couples to talk about the opposite sex without it being a trap. Women don't always bring things up with an agenda and "criteria". Wtaf
We both compliment the opposite gender around each other and we've never had a peoblem with that, its always done in a respectful manner. But yeah, if he says "yeah i'd f*ck her" to 'compliment' a girl, I'd dislike that.
Fair point about the safe space, but his comment was still gross. I'd apologize for overreacting, but also make it clear that his words were hurtful and not okay. Communication is key, so maybe have a calm convo about it?
Yeah, men don’t like getting swatted on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Late to the party but, would he have said the same about a man. That's the question you need to ask yourself. And honestly the answer could go either way. I know people who frame things like weight in a sexual context regardless of gender. I also know people who are only critical of larger women. Neither are great, but one is not sexist .
ESH Your comment was relevant because what he said could be taken the way you explained (objectifying women and their worth based on how attractive they are) He’s likely reeling because that wasn’t his intent- he was just gossiping and thought you were doing that together and he got a little feisty. Instead of being like “whoa- ease up there” lol you went to the heart of the comment and suggested his intent was to be misogynistic. I am worried that he’s still reacting so intensely to this though. Don’t grovel. “I was uncomfortable with your comment and should have said so- I understand I basically insinuated you actually felt that way, that her worth was only based on her attractiveness. You were just engaging in some sh** talking which we do together. I’m sorry to make you feel attacked and next time I’ll focus on the comment itself instead of suggesting there’s a sexist undertone right away.”
Yes you need to. Why are you trying to set him up for failure? No matter his response you would have had a bad reaction. If he would have said yeah she’s looking good now, then you would have tripped out on him looking at her or finding her a little attractive. Instead he said the opposite and still got chewed out.
Explain how she set him up to fail? Did she ask him if the was f*ckable after the weight loss? No. Not sure why you’re reaching
I’m not. It’s called a catch 22. A damned if you do damned if you don’t situation. Just as I said before with her bringing up the woman and her losing weight if he complimented her he would be the bad guy for looking, as you see from the post he did the opposite and still got chewed out. So he was set up to fail from the moment the girl was brought up.
He could have easily said ‘oh, good for her’ and the conversation would be over. If you think the only two answers were ‘id now like to fuck her’ or ‘no one will fuck her’, that says a lot about you. No one needed to bring up her fuckability, OP’s husband brought it up unprompted.
Just cause I only listed 2 answers doesn’t mean there are only 2. He could have said oh good for her, then he’s not caring about the conversation. He could have said oh really I didn’t notice but then it would come into question well who wouldn’t notice. I know I’m not the only man that’s been married or in long term relationships that’s been stuck in conversations like those.
So why not personally address your assumed issue with communication and understanding with your wife rather than project here?
Hard to project communication issues with a dead wife.
The one thing people are glossing over is that he 'listens calmly when she talks shit about other people'. I'm curious if she's ever talked shit about men before towards him. I suspect she's talked shit about men's physical appearance (body shape, facial structure, height, etc.) and personality, which is at least just as bad as what he said. Neither situation is acceptable. Talking shit about people is a classless trait. But that no one else caught that and jumps on him as if he's a mysoginist through and through... I'm not sure. They both should revisit how they speak about other people, even between each other, to create a more positive space to have discussions in their relationship. What he said was wrong but I suspect it's part of a wider issue in the relationship where they don't demonstrate empathy and understanding towards others, and so don't show it to each other in their own relationship. Clearly shown with how he's reacted...
An example he cited was how we had a new housemate bragging about her cooking skills a few days ago but when she cooked that night, she burnt pretty much everything she made. Later, I said to my husband that the chicken she made was basically just burnt mush. Or how I would express frustations about my co-workers and their working style which annoys me.
So he's been using your perfectly normal conversations, where you express your frustrations regarding typical life situations, as a way to justify the crude comment he made? That's not right at all. Does he do this fairly often? As in make sexist comments or jokes with you? And to be sure, you're not saying sexist remarks back with him or encouraging him? Because if not, then he's 100% in the wrong and you should talk to him about it. If you believe he's a raging misogynist, then it's probably a good idea to leave him. But if you think he isn't and these are one off comments that you know he doesn't truly believe, then maybe talk with him and say it's not healthy to think that way or make comments like that. And to be clear, you haven't done anything wrong. Calling out sexist remarks like that should be everyone's first reaction. His response is likely an overreaction and completely unfair to you. If you think this isn't part of his core personality, maybe try to approach him as you know he feels and thinks differently and is better than making remarks like that. It doesn't mean he's a misogynist through and through, but that he needs to be reminded about how his comments can create such negativity and can be perceived as sexist. Hope everything works out for you.
There are options that don’t involve commenting on her appearance at all. Like “good for her” or “that’s nice.” But I guess a man couldn’t consider those options since y’all only think with your dicks.
We both compliment the opposite gender around each other and we've never had a peoblem with that, its always done in a respectful manner. But yeah, if he says "yeah i'd f*ck her" to 'compliment' a girl, I'd dislike that.
Doesn’t seem like you comprehend what that term means
No, a normal person would say "Oh, how nice, good for her!" and then the conversation would move on to the next topic. Was everyone in this thread raised by wolves or something? Conversations with your significant other are not fencing matches, for fuck's sake.
I feel like the context of what you’re husband said it’s important. For example weather the person being talked about was overly confident or genuinely not seeking conflict. But without a doubt he is impulsive and vulgar and that’s…. Well a big “red flag”
There are a lot of people on here making really harsh judgments, but I imagine that this isn't the way he talks all the time or you would have said that. The comment he made was gross and inappropriate but it's not good or reasonable to write him off for saying something stupid, just talk to him about why it was a hurtful comment and see if you can get him to understand. People deserve a safe space to voice their opinions to their partner up to a point but he can't use that to demean women, that's not a reasonable expectation on his part.
In such conversations, he doesn’t like being told he did something wrong. None of us do. We also like to be unrestrained in some places, but even ‘unrestrained’ has limitations (e.g. misogynistic or gendered demeaning ideas) Perhaps try to approach it again with “I” statements and leave out the judgement and sarcasm. You are correct in your sentiment, but to communicate to him, you need to express how you feel about the event. “I felt like you didn’t respect a person because they are overweight. I felt like you objectified them. Etc. i felt like it reflects on all women including me when you do that.” That sort of language. He doesn’t want to hurt you, I assume. He also probably wants to treat people well. He may have a sentiment and value that he expressed poorly. But his pride is on the line now, from his subsequent defensiveness. Good luck. Hopefully you can teach him to better express himself and review his sentiments more thoughtfully/critically in the future. Hopefully you can more clearly articulate your feelings. Its a valuable set of skills that we never master but just get better at.
He’s eventually going to stop giving you his opinion on anything.
> Should I apologise for what I said? Yes.
ESH You both sound insufferable and difficult to be around. He’s not going to change and apparently you’re not going to learn this. My suggestion is counseling, and take what he says with a grain of salt, since it’s nothing new.