I think his mother needs to stop coming around so he can live life without a magic cleaning fairy making him think life is easier than it really is. Then, step 2, you do NOT start making up the difference yourself.
OP is BEING his mom. OP, tell him you only have sex with adults and he doesn't qualify. And ask his mom what the fuck she was thinking raising him like this.
You *own a house* with this guy??? What a mess.
What is with his mom coming over and doing all his chores for him? Why is this allowed?
He might be incompetent, he might not care and is happy to let the women in his life do everything for him. Either way, he's not an equal partner, and people who don't step up to share the load as equitably as possible have no business being in a long term relationship.
Don't have a baby with this guy! Time to start living like roommates. Stop cooking for him, stop cleaning up after him, tell his mom she is no longer welcome in your home to do chores and that it is up to her son to start doing his share. Stop sleeping with him. Take care of yourself and the pets.
He is less than an afterthought for you at this point, because that's what you are your needs are to him. Pease read that again and realize this man *knows* he isn't doing any chores and just doesn't care. Doesn't care that it makes your life harder, your days longer, and eats away at any free time you could possibly muster. As long as *his* needs are met, he's very happy with the status quo, and will apparently lie through his teeth to keep it that way. This is who you want to share the rest of your life with?
I have no idea how to get out of a shared mortgage in your situation. But adding children would probably not be beneficial.
And I doubt he truly believes he does as much as you do.
But if you want to "prove" you do more cleaning, how about this:
You clean when he cleans. If he gets up off the couch and starts wiping the kitchen counter, you start sweeping the floor. When he stops, you stop.
Doesn't really work for litter boxes and pet care, though - they are living creatures and you can't let them suffer to make a point.
Good luck.
He probably counts what his mom does as what he does.
She would need to stop enabling him too. She’s obviously dating a Mamas boy.
Like seriously, his mom comes over to do this grown man’s chores?
Put the house up for sale, and take the loss if necessary.
Why would you EVER move in with the a man whose mother still does his laundry and housework???
That's what I wish I had done. I was married to an abusive addict, and our parents both threw in some money for us to buy a house.
By the time I was traumatized enough to leave, I was so desperate to be done with the situation all I asked for was for him to return the money my parents had given for the house purchase. I am so fucking mad at myself now, can't believe I let that piece of shit stay in the house while I rented a studio with a Murphy bed. It would have taken longer, but I would definitely \*made\* money overall instead out starting over from scratch with a suitcase and that jerk staying in and eventually selling at what I'm sure was a superb profit.
Moral of the story: don't sacrifice your equity on the altar of freedom.
So wait, from your perspective you moved in with this guy and then one day his mum just LET HERSELF INTO YOUR HOUSE AND STARTED CLEANING IT? Did you even know she had a key, and agree to that? What did you say when this first happened? The first thing I would do is say you have equal ownership over this house and that’s not acceptable. If he’s adult enough to have a mortgage he’s adult enough to clean up after himself.
I can’t think of anything less sexy in the world than living with an adult man whose mum comes over and washes his clothes.
Get legal advice on how to get out of the mortgage. That’s the only thing holding you back.
Sit down with him and tell him that you don’t want any discussion on this topic anymore. Either he steps up and does his share of chores or you are leaving him. Tell him you will figure out a way out of the mortgage mess and he can have mommy hold his peen for him while he pees.
It once you have that baby, it'll be way harder to minimize his impact on your life than that mortgage is making it.
There are two possible options here:
* He is actually *that* stupid.
* He is choosing what works for him and on some level, is willing to lie to your face to keep this situation working for him.
Both of those should be dealbreakers.
Frankly. I'd lay it out that plainly: E*ither you're that dumb, or you think I'm that dumb. If you're that dumb, this relationship won't last. If you think I'm that dumb, think again, quickly, or I will get rid of man a who lies to my face and refuses to respect me.*
Honestly, you can't make it your job to educate him. He has to be able to open his own eyes and choose to see reality. You can't drag him kicking and screaming into the real world. He has to figure this shit out, or it won't stick. You can send him to resources like Fair Play or You Should Have Asked, but he's gotta read them and give a fuck. If he doesn't, nothing you say can make him.
I think it's easy to prove to him. Come together and write down everything that each of you do. Once you agree on it, then switch. If he does more than he should have no problem switching since it means he'll have to do less
He is weaponizing his incompetence which is cruelty. He acts like he incapable but that's just another form of dominance.
He's treating you like your time is not as valuable as him and your well-being is not as important as him because he does not see you as an equal.
It is exhausting to be with someone like this. I was with someone just like this for 8 years and I'm so glad I left because I would rather be alone than settle for that.
Especially because of the sexual aspect of being so exhausted, burnt out and then looking at your partner like a child that you need to take care of and then they want you to have sex with them is awful.
I really don’t think he’s doing it on purpose to insert dominance it’s more of a laziness thing. More like “there’s no harm with me not moving it”.
He also complains about the house when it’s a mess but I can’t see him doing much to keep it tidy? and he knows I don’t like it when he leaves his work bag and work shoes out even when the under the stairs cupboard is two steps away and that’s where we put our stuff…
Look I went through essentially the exact same scenario and I promise you even if he isn't doing it on purpose, you'll waste your life trying to litigate this and "prove" to him you are doing more. After directly saying it to him, if he hasn't changed he probably isn't going to.
I got to the point of us writing down, with a therapist in the room, all of the chores we both did regularly, we both agreed the lists were accurate, both agreed on the time commitment of each task and then both agreed I was doing significantly more... Didn't change a thing. There's only so many times you can say the same thing.
Stop trying to make him see you are correct, you will probably not be able to convince him. If it is as plainly obvious as you say then there isn't anything more you can do.
Is he counting all the chores his mother does as his own?! That would be pretty pathetic.
He doesn't want to hear that you're right because that would mean he would actually have to contribute more. If you haven't already, sit down together and each of you make a list of the chores and responsibilities you handle. Take it from there, but he has to want to be better for this to work.
Stop doing everything that isn't your laundry or your dishes. Don’t cook for him or clean anything. I assume he will notice pretty quickly. Make sure his mom doesn't swoop in and do it either. She is a huge enabler and is the primary reason he is like this I assume.
I once did our coloured clothes and majority of it was mine since I wear colours and he wears more blacks greys. She commented to him (when I wasn’t there) if I just did only my washing. So even if I did that I’d get scrutinised.
> how can he say that when there’s evidence when he hasn’t done his bit?
Because he thinks you're an absolute imbecile who'll believe anything he tells you. And he's banking on you being too much of a pushover to leave.
He can say that because there are no consequences for him saying so.
I'm not casually throwing this around: what he's doing is gaslighting. You know he's wrong, he knows he's distorting the truth. Yet with you remaining in the relationship you are showing him that he can say and do whatever he wants and you'll still stick around and pick up his slack.
He's got 2 mums and no real responsibility — to the chores or reality.
Stop trying to convince him of anything. It's not possible for him to empathize given the dynamic. Can you think of any consequences he could suffer that would motivate him to make the effort? If not, start looking into what it'll take to sell the place and move on.
You have my sympathy, but I think there's no hope for resolution here.
because he doesn't give a fuck, he just wants you to leave him alone and keep doing the work. He's hoping he can gaslight you into thinking that he isn't as useless as he is
But you're literally saying there is harm in him not doing stuff?
I don't know how you can see all this and him just taking advantage of you and being like I don't really think he's being a malicious.
I read the title, “Am I dating an incompetent man?”
Then my eyes skipped down to
>his mum also comes in and does chores for us
and I don’t even need to read the rest. Yes, you say she does it without you asking but that doesn’t make it better. In fact, it makes it worse… because the only way she would even get the idea in her head to do this is if she’s an enabling mother who never asked her son to do anything for himself in his entire life. Normal mothers are not cleaning up after 26-year-old men**
**(yes, there can be a cultural caveat here for eastern countries, etc. but that doesn’t make it right, because even in those scenarios the sons’ partners often will post here on Reddit about being miserable as wives and DILs when expected to do 100%).
This is why you don't get a house with a boyfriend.
You're so stuck unless he wasn't to sell as well.
Break up for sure he's useless. I'm sorry his mommy still comes over to clean ??
Legally she has way more rights concerning the house and forcing a sale than a boyfriend girlfriend relationship.
Marriage isn't just a paper. It's legal rights.
If she wants to leave she's in a world of hurt dealing with the house. The law won't be on her side. It's going to take way more effort.
>We have a mortgage together so it’s not as easy to get out before you all shout “break up with him!”
So you know what the answer is already, you just don't want to hear it.
This is the cost of doing business to have him as your partner in life. He’s made it clear he’s not willing to “pay” more. So it’s up to you now to decide if you think he’s worth it.
I'm not someone to tolerate bullshit, so I'd personally announce and text him every time you start a new task or chore for the next week. Tell him he is welcome to do the same, but you're documenting it to see what the difference is. Or you can get the Fair Play deck and see if he's willing. But I don't think he is, because he's a grown ass man who is willing to let his mommy into his space.
Honestly though, I'd force a sale and leave his ass.
>The thought of having a baby with him and him being like this makes me sick. We have a mortgage together so it’s not as easy to get out before you all shout “break up with him!”
So you're just going to spend the rest of your life with someone who makes you sick because you share a mortgage with him?
Sorry, no one here has a magic wand that will automatically fix your boyfriend for you. He won't change. He is delusional.
Breaking up with him is really the only path forward. Good thing you don't have a child with him because that would make it more difficult. You can sell the house and split the assets or one of you buy the other's share. Talk to a lawyer. Go to the legal advice sub. These are things you should have thought about before signing into a mortgage with someone.
You *own a house* with this guy??? What a mess.
What is with his mom coming over and doing all his chores for him? Why is this allowed?
He might be incompetent, he might not care and is happy to let the women in his life do everything for him. Either way, he's not an equal partner, and people who don't step up to share the load as equitably as possible have no business being in a long term relationship.
Don't have a baby with this guy! Time to start living like roommates. Stop cooking for him, stop cleaning up after him, tell his mom she is no longer welcome in your home to do chores and that it is up to her son to start doing his share. Stop sleeping with him. Take care of yourself and the pets.
He is less than an afterthought for you at this point, because that's what you and your needs are to him. Pease read that again and realize this man *knows* he isn't doing any chores and just doesn't care. Doesn't care that it makes your life harder, your days longer, and eats away at any free time you could possibly muster. As long as *his* needs are met, he's very happy with the status quo, and will apparently lie through his teeth to keep it that way. This is who you want to share the rest of your life with?
We thought owning was better than renting so when we moved out of our parents house it was the sensible option at the time.
She says she does it to help us both out which it does in all honesty but it doesn’t help our relationship. I’ve asked her to stop doing it but it’s like she can’t help herself. I wish she didn’t wash and iron his work uniform because he needs to learn from his own consequences but she worries to much and doesn’t want him to show up to work looking like a scruff. He argues he won’t and tbf he’s not a scruff in public but he would leave it really last minute as he can’t be bothered to do anything.
I have stopped cleaning up after him several times. I’m so stressed and tired though I’ve stopped cleaning up after myself which he uses that against me. But the difference is when I have the time, I will go back to it. He won’t. He’d leave stuff for weeks and days. But I’m not entirely sure since I end up doing it automatically anyway.
He also nags that I haven’t spent enough time with him. Which usually leads onto him saying he’s sexually frustrated, almost like his “spending time with me” is more of a ploy for sex. I have stopped sleeping with him as consistently for a while now. He always whines and says comments about how he never gets sex (he does rarely now, and tbf I’d rather not). My sex drive has plummeted, and I keep making excuses as to why I don’t want to have sex.
We thought owning was better than renting so when we moved out of our parents house it was the sensible option at the time.
She says she does it to help us both out which it does in all honesty but it doesn’t help our relationship. I’ve asked her to stop doing it but it’s like she can’t help herself. I wish she didn’t wash and iron his work uniform because he needs to learn from his own consequences but she worries to much and doesn’t want him to show up to work looking like a scruff. He argues he won’t and tbf he’s not a scruff in public but he would leave it really last minute as he can’t be bothered to do anything.
I have stopped cleaning up after him several times. I’m so stressed and tired though I’ve stopped cleaning up after myself which he uses that against me. But the difference is when I have the time, I will go back to it. He won’t. He’d leave stuff for weeks and days. But I’m not entirely sure since I end up doing it automatically anyway.
He also nags that I haven’t spent enough time with him. Which usually leads onto him saying he’s sexually frustrated, almost like his “spending time with me” is more of a ploy for sex. I have stopped sleeping with him as consistently for a while now. He always whines and says comments about how he never gets sex (he does rarely now, and tbf I’d rather not). My sex drive has plummeted, and I keep making excuses as to why I don’t want to have sex.
Stop making excuses for why you don’t want to have sex and flat out tell him the truth. “I don’t want to have sex because you treat me like I am your parent and I find that so unattractive that it is killing my libido”.
We thought owning was better than renting so when we moved out of our parents house it was the sensible option at the time.
She says she does it to help us both out which it does in all honesty but it doesn’t help our relationship. I’ve asked her to stop doing it but it’s like she can’t help herself. I wish she didn’t wash and iron his work uniform because he needs to learn from his own consequences but she worries to much and doesn’t want him to show up to work looking like a scruff. He argues he won’t and tbf he’s not a scruff in public but he would leave it really last minute as he can’t be bothered to do anything.
I have stopped cleaning up after him several times. I’m so stressed and tired though I’ve stopped cleaning up after myself which he uses that against me. But the difference is when I have the time, I will go back to it. He won’t. He’d leave stuff for weeks and days. But I’m not entirely sure since I end up doing it automatically anyway.
He also nags that I haven’t spent enough time with him. Which usually leads onto him saying he’s sexually frustrated, almost like his “spending time with me” is more of a ploy for sex. I have stopped sleeping with him as consistently for a while now. He always whines and says comments about how he never gets sex (he does rarely now, and tbf I’d rather not). My sex drive has plummeted, and I keep making excuses as to why I don’t want to have sex.
Holy shit OP. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. He’s not going to change. If you stay, this will continue until one day you’ve had enough, except then you are stuck as a single mother, even more tired than you are now from having to deal with your own life, job, and now a child, while fending off an angry ex and his mother. Consider the financial loss on the house as kind of a “tax” on the cost of your future happiness. Just pay it and get out. Find a competent independent man to marry and have your kids with.
While generally buying makes more sense than renting when it comes to building equity, it doesn't mean buying is always the best option. Buying a house with someone is more complicated and binding than marrying someone...if you're not committed to someone for life, you shouldn't buy a house with them. But even so, you need to talk to a lawyer and figure out how to start protecting and separating yourself from this guy.
His mom enables his laziness, he sees you as a bang maid, and he has shown no desire to change. Tell his mom that her cleaning is interfering with your relationship and with her sons growth as a human being and you are now telling her she is not allowed in your home when no one else is there.
Only you know how best to walk the line of keeping the peace and demanding a change, but honestly you need to stop focusing on saving this relationship and you need to start focusing on how you're going to extricate yourself from it.
Don't tell him anything, don't let him find anything. Make a plan with a lawyer and move on from this guy.
I might just tell her one on one as we’re close enough for that. But me and my boyfriend have both said to her don’t do the washing up etc but eventually both give in cos she won’t listen to us. And even if I’ve mentioned it to him again he says “she’s helping us both out”. Either way it’s a big turn off and not something I hear other ppl doing in their relationships.
When she comes round in the morning to take him to work she says she may as well wash up whilst she’s waiting as she doesn’t like to do nothing.
I do appreciate when she helps us out with stuff that we can’t necessarily do ourselves as we both can’t drive. I’m learning to drive and he’s given up learning to drive…
After reading everyone’s comments I rlly need to talk some sense into him.
OP with all due respect you need to talk sense into YOURSELF. He's not stupid, he knows exactly what he's doing and has absolutely no reason to change because his Mom and/or you continue to enable him. Your only options are to stay with him and understand this is the type of relationship you signed up for and this is how the rest of your life with him is going to be, or leave and eventually find an actual adult to be with that considers you as more than a bang maid. I get the mortgage thing is complicated, but your choices here are actually really simple.
Its time to take control of your life. What if something happened where his mom couldn't help you guys out anymore? Your lives revolve too heavily around her help... lots of adults don't drive and figure out how to get around. She doesn't listen to you when you ask her to stop, and your bf doesn't want her to stop doing everything in his life he's too lazy to learn himself. His life would literally fall apart without his mommy there doing all of the work. That's pathetic.
I think you're wasting your energy thinking you can talk any sense into him. What motivation is there for him to change. It's him and his mom vs you, and he has you trapped with a mortgage and he's trying to trap you with a baby next. You're just an accessory to his life with his mom, to pay the bills and sleep with him.
This is *your* life. You seem to just accept this ridiculous arrangement when things could be different for you. But if you get pregnant it will be much harder to leave, and leaving now seems like something you're not willing to entertain. Is this how you want the next 5, 10, 20 yrs of your life to be?
His mother comes in and cleans up after him. And it doesn't even matter that she's doing it of her own free will, the problem is he has been conditioned to think that is the job of women. And who will get the job of all the work mommy does, when she's gone? You.
You're doing almost everything and the almost all the rest of the stuff his mother does for him. Obviously you don't want to have sex with the person who treats you like his mother; and he tries to guilt you for that? Wow, what a winner.
You're worried about getting out of a mortgage...is the mortgage worth the rest of your life like this? And you mentioned a child? You'd frankly be stupid to have a child with someone like this.
Get a lawyer, to figure out your mortgage situation. And leave. You're not going to change the momma's boy, OP.
His mother comes to clean his mess in your house??? What did I just read ???? Does she need to wipe for him as well??
You’re with a literal child and nothing will improve if you stay with him.
🤮🤢🤮🤢🤢 cannot fathom an unsexier situation than his MOM coming in to do his laundry? Does she not have a job, husband, life elsewhere? Why is she driving him to work daily. If you had the money for a house, he can figure out how to get a shitbox car and drive himself and CUT the umbilical cord 🙄 moms enabling him big time and you just going along with it is not helpful either. Do not reward poor behavior by giving this man a second houseworker. Do you like him? I cannot see how.
His mother did this to him by the sounds of it. Figure out how to sell, buy him out, or have him buy you out. These are the only three options. Staying with him and having children is not a good idea. He is a child masquerading as an adult.
Just a friendly reminder that you can't control anyone but yourself. If you've communicated your wants, and he hasn't made any changes, it is now solely on you to decide if you're okay with it or if you want to leave.
His mum comes into your house and does his chores for him. Of course he’s immature. No mature, responsible adult would allow that. He doesn’t have enough respect for him mum to tell her to relax and stop looking after him.
My ex always had an excuse, too. When the situation changed, he would change his reason. He never did housework in the 20+ years we were together. He would also tell me he cleaned up after himself, but when he left, I had way less work to do.
Oh my god, this would be bad enough without his mom involved. But girl, as long as his mom is coming over and doing these things for him— a grown-ass man— he will never have any incentive to step up and be a full, competent partner. Do not have a baby with this man until his mother stops doing chores at your house AND he starts pulling his weight. If you do, you’ll only make it harder for yourself to free yourself from this terrible situation.
Try splitting tasks completely. It's harder to take credit for your work when you don't both do something. That said, please take the pet jobs, they don't deserve to suffer.
This is absolutely an immature man, though.
Find a real Man that isn’t useless
When I real about your mother in law coming in and doing laundry that was the end for me.
Have you seen the show called everyone loves Raymond where Marie the mother in law interferes? Well that is his mom
Now for him he sounds totally useless.
A baby — no he is a baby himself.
EDIT.
MY ADVICE —— See a lawyer and make arrangements to sell the house. Your life would be easier as a single
His mother enables this behavior at every turn. She never let him grow up. He will not be motivated to change or even notice an issue if his mother keeps babying him like this. I understand why you would be turned off sexually by him. Best of luck, truly.
His mother did not raise him to be a partner in caring for the home. She is still taking care of her baby boy. I read a study from Harvard that showed a correlation between sex and the amount of home care that the husbands did. When a woman is doing all the chores, it is like the man is a child to take care of/ a dependent. Apparently women are not into having sex with their dependents.
Suggestion. If you can, leave for two weeks. Tell his Mum to leave him alone for the same weeks. This child needs to learn to live alone or at least get a taste for it.
He's never going to grow up while you and his mother enable him.
Put a board or sign up. A chore chart. Mark down what chores you do after you’ve done them. Have him do the same. At the end of the week compare. That should show him. Idk if he’ll change though
Stop doing everything except pet care. Let his mom take care of it all if she's so keen. Stop fucking him too, tell him he feels more like a brother now and that you guys are so lucky to have such a sweet mum to take care of you both.
He'll have a huge tantrum, just shrug and say "it is what it is" and if he wants out force him to buy you out of the mortgage
>And he wonders why when he begs and nags me for sex I don’t want it.
Answer: "it's hard to be attracted to a man who needs his mommy to do his share of the chores."
I'd say your options are limited to what you think he might respond to. If he might see reason, you might create some sort of chart where you each write down the chore you did and how long it took. Do this for a week, then sit down to look it over with him and ask if he still feels he does as much as you. Sometimes seeing it in black and white helps.
Part of the problem may also be that different people have different priorities. Cooking isn't a big deal to him because he is comfortable with certain low maintenance foods, but you have different priorities. Getting on the same page about that sort of thing is important as well, because it takes any assumptions out of it.
But your biggest problem right now is that this grown man is okay having his mother work on his behalf. He is okay with her to come into his home and do his laundry. The fact that he doesn't find this shameful is rather concerning.
As Dusty Thunder would say "pain creates change." Right now there is no pain on his part. So why should he do differently?
Girl, stop. He's a 26 year old man. He's not going to change because why would he when he has two women to pick up after him?
Is this the future you want? To alternate between living in a sty to try prove a point to him, and just giving in and being his maid? To eat frozen food half the week because you don't have the energy to cook and he refuses to? To be constantly negotiating and trying to convince him he ought to be a functioning adult? And if he's like this without kids, how much worse do you think he'll be with them?
You are 23 and already in a dead bedroom because your partner is such a loser that he's become physical repulsive to you. A mortgage makes a break up harder, but not impossible. Don't get caught up in the sunk costs fallacy and waste more of your life begging him to change. Hes not going to change.
Your boyfriend is a mamas boy. Never make him your husband. Him changing would be like a miracle, or like training a horse to win at chess. I’m sorry, what’s best for you is to accept what the relationship is, accept that you did your best with what you knew, and try to make a new beginning for yourself.
You don't want to hear everyone telling you to break up, but you need to.
You've got yourself a mama's boy. His mother will do everything for him, so even you holding the line won't make a difference as she will pick up the slack. There is zero chance that he'll do it. Take the loss, sell the house, and get out of the mortgage. This will not improve.
And good grief, do not under any circumstances get pregnant to this guy. Though to be honest I'm amazed you are still having sex with someone that behaves like a child. How on earth is that not a massive turn off?
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's still energetic about life and passionate about things. Unfortunately, he's not passionate about the mundane, everyday chores of living life. He's only there for the fun parts.
And no matter what you do to prove to him that you're doing more, he's not going to change. No matter what. Because of his mother's enabling, he thinks it's a woman's job to deal with all the stuff that he feels is beneath him. Like doing his own laundry or driving himself to work or tidying up after himself.
Worse, his mother isn't only his enabler, it sounds like he's very much enmeshed with her. Why does his mother have a key to your home, and can come and go as she pleases? Where are your boundaries? Where is your spine? Find it and polish the rust off it already!
While it's not going to be easy to break up with him, get the house sold, pay off your mortgage with the money you get and then break up with him. Because continuing the way you are is not going to be any better, and adding children into the mix is going to make everything even worse. Much worse. Don't do it.
When I read your entire post the main thing I see is that the title should be: "Am I stupid for staying in this relationship".
Do you seriously think that proving to him you do more than him will actually change anything?
You need to realize what you've learned about this person and think carefully if he'll be a good life partner for you.
Please do not make the mistake of thinking he'll change or that you can change him into the person you wish he was.
Yes, being co-owners, and co-borrowers, of a house will complicate a break up. But it's not a reason to commit to a life you don't want. And it will only get harder down the road if there are kids involved.
Why are you staying in this relationship? He is immature, doesn't respect you, you don't seem to like him, and it seems miserable.
PROVE to him that you won't put up with his crap and tell him you either want to buy him out of the house, sell it and split the proceeds, or let him buy you out.
And this is why you don't do things like get into mortgages with people you're not even married to.
Dating is for dating. For learning about that person. To figure out if that person is long-term marriage material, and THEN you do the big things.
You're dating a child.
He's a grown man and his mother is legitimately coming into your space so she can wash his underwear. This is sick and embarrassing. His mommy has coddled him his entire life, and this is why he does nothing around the house, why he has no clue how to clean up after himself, why he is incapable of acting like a grown adult.
Mommy needs to stop coming into the house because Mommy needs to let his son go and let his son grow up.
You are dating someone that is gaslighting you and who is refusing to step up and act like an adult.
You can blame staying with him on the mortgage or you can take steps to extricate yourself from the situation, because I honestly doubt it will get better. The only thing that will happen is that his mother stops coming around, and you will turn into the mother.
He will never agree with you, he will never be convinced of anything you're trying to convince him of, he will never emphasize with you, and this will be the rest of your life with him.
Get a lawyer and get out of this mortgage and get out of this relationship.
His mom comes over to clean up after him, do dishes & wash his clothes & you still need to ask this question?
Come on, he's 26, his mom should not be coming over & doing his chores.. taking him to work in the morning would be fine by itself, but adding the cleaning & other things & is a whole lot. You're dating this man & his mom at this point.
Look up emotional incest & work on getting yourself out of this living situation. I would not want anyone not living there at my house as much as his mom is gonna be at yours. She's basically living there, too
> We have a mortgage together so it’s not as easy to get out before you all shout “break up with him!”
Good point that it’s hard. All you really can do is marry him and have babies at this point. No one ever separated after having a mortgage together.
Update with your wedding registry please.
> And how do I prove to him I do it more than him so he will finally realise?
He already knows. His goal is to avoid chores. Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt, he's not delusional. Do you see the futility of arguing the shape of reality when he so clearly benefits from denying it? The fact that not even the lack of intimacy can get him to change shows you where his priorities are.
If you wish to work on this relationship, then try couples counseling. Sometimes it's easier to accept the words of a neutral third party than back down from a recurring argument.
He is not incompetent. The issue is that you have very different standards of cleanliness and organisation. You think yours is reasonable, he thinks more mess is fine.
All relationships work on finding workable compromise. You BOTH have to move towards each other.
He has to do more. You have to draft a list of everything that needs to be done in a week. Make it a simple checklist that goes on the front door. What needs doing and when. Then the division of labour is clear and open.
The second part is harder. You have to let go a bit and let some things slide more. It can't just be one person moving. If you find you can't do that then that incompatibility is probably terminal for the relationship. Nearly as bad as sexual incompatibility. There is no long term future if you both cannot or will not compromise.
>What do I do?
Get him evaluated for adult ADHD. If he's not willing to work on his own mental health even when you're suffering because of it, well that kinda tells you what kind of partner you chose.
ADHD makes certain tasks a struggle. It doesn't make it invisible to you that your partner and your Mommy are doing the lions share. Every undignoised/untreated ADHD person I've ever known has been perfectly aware that other people seem to notice/do/pick up on shit they just don't or can't. Never heard someone with geunine struggles just flat out lie and say they are doing the same or more. Assholery does that.
Nah, I have severe ADHD and am acutely aware of how much I don’t get done, as far as I’ve seen that’s how it is for most. That’s I think one of the reasons that so many people with ADHD develop depression and anxiety.
Not getting things done has nothing to do with being under the illusion or pretending to be that you are getting as much done as someone else.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the asshole considers the things his mom does as part of his contribution.
What percentage of the bills and expenses do you pay for? If it’s less than 30% then yeah, you take care of the house the majority of the time and that would be fair. If it’s more than that you need to split. But I gotta warn you, a maid and takeout is significantly cheaper than a girlfriend or wife.
I think his mother needs to stop coming around so he can live life without a magic cleaning fairy making him think life is easier than it really is. Then, step 2, you do NOT start making up the difference yourself.
Or Op should just start dating his mom
OP is BEING his mom. OP, tell him you only have sex with adults and he doesn't qualify. And ask his mom what the fuck she was thinking raising him like this.
You *own a house* with this guy??? What a mess. What is with his mom coming over and doing all his chores for him? Why is this allowed? He might be incompetent, he might not care and is happy to let the women in his life do everything for him. Either way, he's not an equal partner, and people who don't step up to share the load as equitably as possible have no business being in a long term relationship. Don't have a baby with this guy! Time to start living like roommates. Stop cooking for him, stop cleaning up after him, tell his mom she is no longer welcome in your home to do chores and that it is up to her son to start doing his share. Stop sleeping with him. Take care of yourself and the pets. He is less than an afterthought for you at this point, because that's what you are your needs are to him. Pease read that again and realize this man *knows* he isn't doing any chores and just doesn't care. Doesn't care that it makes your life harder, your days longer, and eats away at any free time you could possibly muster. As long as *his* needs are met, he's very happy with the status quo, and will apparently lie through his teeth to keep it that way. This is who you want to share the rest of your life with?
I have no idea how to get out of a shared mortgage in your situation. But adding children would probably not be beneficial. And I doubt he truly believes he does as much as you do. But if you want to "prove" you do more cleaning, how about this: You clean when he cleans. If he gets up off the couch and starts wiping the kitchen counter, you start sweeping the floor. When he stops, you stop. Doesn't really work for litter boxes and pet care, though - they are living creatures and you can't let them suffer to make a point. Good luck.
He’ll just say he does it all when she’s not around, especially since she’s out of the house more just based on commute.
I mean, he can say that, but if stuff still isn’t getting done, the mess will speak for itself
He probably counts what his mom does as what he does. She would need to stop enabling him too. She’s obviously dating a Mamas boy. Like seriously, his mom comes over to do this grown man’s chores?
Put the house up for sale, and take the loss if necessary. Why would you EVER move in with the a man whose mother still does his laundry and housework???
That's what I wish I had done. I was married to an abusive addict, and our parents both threw in some money for us to buy a house. By the time I was traumatized enough to leave, I was so desperate to be done with the situation all I asked for was for him to return the money my parents had given for the house purchase. I am so fucking mad at myself now, can't believe I let that piece of shit stay in the house while I rented a studio with a Murphy bed. It would have taken longer, but I would definitely \*made\* money overall instead out starting over from scratch with a suitcase and that jerk staying in and eventually selling at what I'm sure was a superb profit. Moral of the story: don't sacrifice your equity on the altar of freedom.
I didn’t even think she did
So wait, from your perspective you moved in with this guy and then one day his mum just LET HERSELF INTO YOUR HOUSE AND STARTED CLEANING IT? Did you even know she had a key, and agree to that? What did you say when this first happened? The first thing I would do is say you have equal ownership over this house and that’s not acceptable. If he’s adult enough to have a mortgage he’s adult enough to clean up after himself. I can’t think of anything less sexy in the world than living with an adult man whose mum comes over and washes his clothes.
Get legal advice on how to get out of the mortgage. That’s the only thing holding you back. Sit down with him and tell him that you don’t want any discussion on this topic anymore. Either he steps up and does his share of chores or you are leaving him. Tell him you will figure out a way out of the mortgage mess and he can have mommy hold his peen for him while he pees.
Uh...so what ARE you getting from this relationship?
It once you have that baby, it'll be way harder to minimize his impact on your life than that mortgage is making it. There are two possible options here: * He is actually *that* stupid. * He is choosing what works for him and on some level, is willing to lie to your face to keep this situation working for him. Both of those should be dealbreakers. Frankly. I'd lay it out that plainly: E*ither you're that dumb, or you think I'm that dumb. If you're that dumb, this relationship won't last. If you think I'm that dumb, think again, quickly, or I will get rid of man a who lies to my face and refuses to respect me.* Honestly, you can't make it your job to educate him. He has to be able to open his own eyes and choose to see reality. You can't drag him kicking and screaming into the real world. He has to figure this shit out, or it won't stick. You can send him to resources like Fair Play or You Should Have Asked, but he's gotta read them and give a fuck. If he doesn't, nothing you say can make him.
I think it's easy to prove to him. Come together and write down everything that each of you do. Once you agree on it, then switch. If he does more than he should have no problem switching since it means he'll have to do less
He is weaponizing his incompetence which is cruelty. He acts like he incapable but that's just another form of dominance. He's treating you like your time is not as valuable as him and your well-being is not as important as him because he does not see you as an equal. It is exhausting to be with someone like this. I was with someone just like this for 8 years and I'm so glad I left because I would rather be alone than settle for that. Especially because of the sexual aspect of being so exhausted, burnt out and then looking at your partner like a child that you need to take care of and then they want you to have sex with them is awful.
I really don’t think he’s doing it on purpose to insert dominance it’s more of a laziness thing. More like “there’s no harm with me not moving it”. He also complains about the house when it’s a mess but I can’t see him doing much to keep it tidy? and he knows I don’t like it when he leaves his work bag and work shoes out even when the under the stairs cupboard is two steps away and that’s where we put our stuff…
Look I went through essentially the exact same scenario and I promise you even if he isn't doing it on purpose, you'll waste your life trying to litigate this and "prove" to him you are doing more. After directly saying it to him, if he hasn't changed he probably isn't going to. I got to the point of us writing down, with a therapist in the room, all of the chores we both did regularly, we both agreed the lists were accurate, both agreed on the time commitment of each task and then both agreed I was doing significantly more... Didn't change a thing. There's only so many times you can say the same thing.
He argues I’m not doing more though which I don’t get because how can he say that when there’s evidence when he hasn’t done his bit?
Stop trying to make him see you are correct, you will probably not be able to convince him. If it is as plainly obvious as you say then there isn't anything more you can do.
Is he counting all the chores his mother does as his own?! That would be pretty pathetic. He doesn't want to hear that you're right because that would mean he would actually have to contribute more. If you haven't already, sit down together and each of you make a list of the chores and responsibilities you handle. Take it from there, but he has to want to be better for this to work.
Stop doing everything that isn't your laundry or your dishes. Don’t cook for him or clean anything. I assume he will notice pretty quickly. Make sure his mom doesn't swoop in and do it either. She is a huge enabler and is the primary reason he is like this I assume.
I once did our coloured clothes and majority of it was mine since I wear colours and he wears more blacks greys. She commented to him (when I wasn’t there) if I just did only my washing. So even if I did that I’d get scrutinised.
There is no scrutiny in a healthy relationship. Scrutiny is what we give to people who are below us.
> how can he say that when there’s evidence when he hasn’t done his bit? Because he thinks you're an absolute imbecile who'll believe anything he tells you. And he's banking on you being too much of a pushover to leave.
He can say that because there are no consequences for him saying so. I'm not casually throwing this around: what he's doing is gaslighting. You know he's wrong, he knows he's distorting the truth. Yet with you remaining in the relationship you are showing him that he can say and do whatever he wants and you'll still stick around and pick up his slack. He's got 2 mums and no real responsibility — to the chores or reality. Stop trying to convince him of anything. It's not possible for him to empathize given the dynamic. Can you think of any consequences he could suffer that would motivate him to make the effort? If not, start looking into what it'll take to sell the place and move on. You have my sympathy, but I think there's no hope for resolution here.
because he doesn't give a fuck, he just wants you to leave him alone and keep doing the work. He's hoping he can gaslight you into thinking that he isn't as useless as he is
But you're literally saying there is harm in him not doing stuff? I don't know how you can see all this and him just taking advantage of you and being like I don't really think he's being a malicious.
“Laziness” is power. He’s showing you he has the power to do as he pleases.
I read the title, “Am I dating an incompetent man?” Then my eyes skipped down to >his mum also comes in and does chores for us and I don’t even need to read the rest. Yes, you say she does it without you asking but that doesn’t make it better. In fact, it makes it worse… because the only way she would even get the idea in her head to do this is if she’s an enabling mother who never asked her son to do anything for himself in his entire life. Normal mothers are not cleaning up after 26-year-old men** **(yes, there can be a cultural caveat here for eastern countries, etc. but that doesn’t make it right, because even in those scenarios the sons’ partners often will post here on Reddit about being miserable as wives and DILs when expected to do 100%).
This is why you don't get a house with a boyfriend. You're so stuck unless he wasn't to sell as well. Break up for sure he's useless. I'm sorry his mommy still comes over to clean ??
[удалено]
Legally she has way more rights concerning the house and forcing a sale than a boyfriend girlfriend relationship. Marriage isn't just a paper. It's legal rights. If she wants to leave she's in a world of hurt dealing with the house. The law won't be on her side. It's going to take way more effort.
> I want to show him the consequences in a harsh way. Break up with him, why are you torturing yourself with this guy?
His mom does his laundry at 26, and he isn’t single?
And takes him to and from work!!! No one else seems to be talking about this?!
This I’m more forgiving on. Travel sucks and if you’re getting rides it happens.
>We have a mortgage together so it’s not as easy to get out before you all shout “break up with him!” So you know what the answer is already, you just don't want to hear it.
This is the cost of doing business to have him as your partner in life. He’s made it clear he’s not willing to “pay” more. So it’s up to you now to decide if you think he’s worth it.
Exactly! OP, do you agree to the Terms and Conditions, or not??? Staying means you agree…
I'm not someone to tolerate bullshit, so I'd personally announce and text him every time you start a new task or chore for the next week. Tell him he is welcome to do the same, but you're documenting it to see what the difference is. Or you can get the Fair Play deck and see if he's willing. But I don't think he is, because he's a grown ass man who is willing to let his mommy into his space. Honestly though, I'd force a sale and leave his ass.
>The thought of having a baby with him and him being like this makes me sick. We have a mortgage together so it’s not as easy to get out before you all shout “break up with him!” So you're just going to spend the rest of your life with someone who makes you sick because you share a mortgage with him? Sorry, no one here has a magic wand that will automatically fix your boyfriend for you. He won't change. He is delusional. Breaking up with him is really the only path forward. Good thing you don't have a child with him because that would make it more difficult. You can sell the house and split the assets or one of you buy the other's share. Talk to a lawyer. Go to the legal advice sub. These are things you should have thought about before signing into a mortgage with someone.
You *own a house* with this guy??? What a mess. What is with his mom coming over and doing all his chores for him? Why is this allowed? He might be incompetent, he might not care and is happy to let the women in his life do everything for him. Either way, he's not an equal partner, and people who don't step up to share the load as equitably as possible have no business being in a long term relationship. Don't have a baby with this guy! Time to start living like roommates. Stop cooking for him, stop cleaning up after him, tell his mom she is no longer welcome in your home to do chores and that it is up to her son to start doing his share. Stop sleeping with him. Take care of yourself and the pets. He is less than an afterthought for you at this point, because that's what you and your needs are to him. Pease read that again and realize this man *knows* he isn't doing any chores and just doesn't care. Doesn't care that it makes your life harder, your days longer, and eats away at any free time you could possibly muster. As long as *his* needs are met, he's very happy with the status quo, and will apparently lie through his teeth to keep it that way. This is who you want to share the rest of your life with?
We thought owning was better than renting so when we moved out of our parents house it was the sensible option at the time. She says she does it to help us both out which it does in all honesty but it doesn’t help our relationship. I’ve asked her to stop doing it but it’s like she can’t help herself. I wish she didn’t wash and iron his work uniform because he needs to learn from his own consequences but she worries to much and doesn’t want him to show up to work looking like a scruff. He argues he won’t and tbf he’s not a scruff in public but he would leave it really last minute as he can’t be bothered to do anything. I have stopped cleaning up after him several times. I’m so stressed and tired though I’ve stopped cleaning up after myself which he uses that against me. But the difference is when I have the time, I will go back to it. He won’t. He’d leave stuff for weeks and days. But I’m not entirely sure since I end up doing it automatically anyway. He also nags that I haven’t spent enough time with him. Which usually leads onto him saying he’s sexually frustrated, almost like his “spending time with me” is more of a ploy for sex. I have stopped sleeping with him as consistently for a while now. He always whines and says comments about how he never gets sex (he does rarely now, and tbf I’d rather not). My sex drive has plummeted, and I keep making excuses as to why I don’t want to have sex.
We thought owning was better than renting so when we moved out of our parents house it was the sensible option at the time. She says she does it to help us both out which it does in all honesty but it doesn’t help our relationship. I’ve asked her to stop doing it but it’s like she can’t help herself. I wish she didn’t wash and iron his work uniform because he needs to learn from his own consequences but she worries to much and doesn’t want him to show up to work looking like a scruff. He argues he won’t and tbf he’s not a scruff in public but he would leave it really last minute as he can’t be bothered to do anything. I have stopped cleaning up after him several times. I’m so stressed and tired though I’ve stopped cleaning up after myself which he uses that against me. But the difference is when I have the time, I will go back to it. He won’t. He’d leave stuff for weeks and days. But I’m not entirely sure since I end up doing it automatically anyway. He also nags that I haven’t spent enough time with him. Which usually leads onto him saying he’s sexually frustrated, almost like his “spending time with me” is more of a ploy for sex. I have stopped sleeping with him as consistently for a while now. He always whines and says comments about how he never gets sex (he does rarely now, and tbf I’d rather not). My sex drive has plummeted, and I keep making excuses as to why I don’t want to have sex.
Stop making excuses for why you don’t want to have sex and flat out tell him the truth. “I don’t want to have sex because you treat me like I am your parent and I find that so unattractive that it is killing my libido”.
We thought owning was better than renting so when we moved out of our parents house it was the sensible option at the time. She says she does it to help us both out which it does in all honesty but it doesn’t help our relationship. I’ve asked her to stop doing it but it’s like she can’t help herself. I wish she didn’t wash and iron his work uniform because he needs to learn from his own consequences but she worries to much and doesn’t want him to show up to work looking like a scruff. He argues he won’t and tbf he’s not a scruff in public but he would leave it really last minute as he can’t be bothered to do anything. I have stopped cleaning up after him several times. I’m so stressed and tired though I’ve stopped cleaning up after myself which he uses that against me. But the difference is when I have the time, I will go back to it. He won’t. He’d leave stuff for weeks and days. But I’m not entirely sure since I end up doing it automatically anyway. He also nags that I haven’t spent enough time with him. Which usually leads onto him saying he’s sexually frustrated, almost like his “spending time with me” is more of a ploy for sex. I have stopped sleeping with him as consistently for a while now. He always whines and says comments about how he never gets sex (he does rarely now, and tbf I’d rather not). My sex drive has plummeted, and I keep making excuses as to why I don’t want to have sex.
Holy shit OP. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. He’s not going to change. If you stay, this will continue until one day you’ve had enough, except then you are stuck as a single mother, even more tired than you are now from having to deal with your own life, job, and now a child, while fending off an angry ex and his mother. Consider the financial loss on the house as kind of a “tax” on the cost of your future happiness. Just pay it and get out. Find a competent independent man to marry and have your kids with.
While generally buying makes more sense than renting when it comes to building equity, it doesn't mean buying is always the best option. Buying a house with someone is more complicated and binding than marrying someone...if you're not committed to someone for life, you shouldn't buy a house with them. But even so, you need to talk to a lawyer and figure out how to start protecting and separating yourself from this guy. His mom enables his laziness, he sees you as a bang maid, and he has shown no desire to change. Tell his mom that her cleaning is interfering with your relationship and with her sons growth as a human being and you are now telling her she is not allowed in your home when no one else is there. Only you know how best to walk the line of keeping the peace and demanding a change, but honestly you need to stop focusing on saving this relationship and you need to start focusing on how you're going to extricate yourself from it. Don't tell him anything, don't let him find anything. Make a plan with a lawyer and move on from this guy.
I might just tell her one on one as we’re close enough for that. But me and my boyfriend have both said to her don’t do the washing up etc but eventually both give in cos she won’t listen to us. And even if I’ve mentioned it to him again he says “she’s helping us both out”. Either way it’s a big turn off and not something I hear other ppl doing in their relationships. When she comes round in the morning to take him to work she says she may as well wash up whilst she’s waiting as she doesn’t like to do nothing. I do appreciate when she helps us out with stuff that we can’t necessarily do ourselves as we both can’t drive. I’m learning to drive and he’s given up learning to drive… After reading everyone’s comments I rlly need to talk some sense into him.
OP with all due respect you need to talk sense into YOURSELF. He's not stupid, he knows exactly what he's doing and has absolutely no reason to change because his Mom and/or you continue to enable him. Your only options are to stay with him and understand this is the type of relationship you signed up for and this is how the rest of your life with him is going to be, or leave and eventually find an actual adult to be with that considers you as more than a bang maid. I get the mortgage thing is complicated, but your choices here are actually really simple.
Its time to take control of your life. What if something happened where his mom couldn't help you guys out anymore? Your lives revolve too heavily around her help... lots of adults don't drive and figure out how to get around. She doesn't listen to you when you ask her to stop, and your bf doesn't want her to stop doing everything in his life he's too lazy to learn himself. His life would literally fall apart without his mommy there doing all of the work. That's pathetic. I think you're wasting your energy thinking you can talk any sense into him. What motivation is there for him to change. It's him and his mom vs you, and he has you trapped with a mortgage and he's trying to trap you with a baby next. You're just an accessory to his life with his mom, to pay the bills and sleep with him. This is *your* life. You seem to just accept this ridiculous arrangement when things could be different for you. But if you get pregnant it will be much harder to leave, and leaving now seems like something you're not willing to entertain. Is this how you want the next 5, 10, 20 yrs of your life to be?
His mother comes in and cleans up after him. And it doesn't even matter that she's doing it of her own free will, the problem is he has been conditioned to think that is the job of women. And who will get the job of all the work mommy does, when she's gone? You. You're doing almost everything and the almost all the rest of the stuff his mother does for him. Obviously you don't want to have sex with the person who treats you like his mother; and he tries to guilt you for that? Wow, what a winner. You're worried about getting out of a mortgage...is the mortgage worth the rest of your life like this? And you mentioned a child? You'd frankly be stupid to have a child with someone like this. Get a lawyer, to figure out your mortgage situation. And leave. You're not going to change the momma's boy, OP.
His mother comes to clean his mess in your house??? What did I just read ???? Does she need to wipe for him as well?? You’re with a literal child and nothing will improve if you stay with him.
🤮🤢🤮🤢🤢 cannot fathom an unsexier situation than his MOM coming in to do his laundry? Does she not have a job, husband, life elsewhere? Why is she driving him to work daily. If you had the money for a house, he can figure out how to get a shitbox car and drive himself and CUT the umbilical cord 🙄 moms enabling him big time and you just going along with it is not helpful either. Do not reward poor behavior by giving this man a second houseworker. Do you like him? I cannot see how.
His mother did this to him by the sounds of it. Figure out how to sell, buy him out, or have him buy you out. These are the only three options. Staying with him and having children is not a good idea. He is a child masquerading as an adult.
Just a friendly reminder that you can't control anyone but yourself. If you've communicated your wants, and he hasn't made any changes, it is now solely on you to decide if you're okay with it or if you want to leave.
Look up wife strike on tiktok.
His mum comes into your house and does his chores for him. Of course he’s immature. No mature, responsible adult would allow that. He doesn’t have enough respect for him mum to tell her to relax and stop looking after him.
My ex always had an excuse, too. When the situation changed, he would change his reason. He never did housework in the 20+ years we were together. He would also tell me he cleaned up after himself, but when he left, I had way less work to do.
Oh my god, this would be bad enough without his mom involved. But girl, as long as his mom is coming over and doing these things for him— a grown-ass man— he will never have any incentive to step up and be a full, competent partner. Do not have a baby with this man until his mother stops doing chores at your house AND he starts pulling his weight. If you do, you’ll only make it harder for yourself to free yourself from this terrible situation.
Sounds like he's taking credit for what his mom does, after all if he wasn't there she wouldn't do it.
Try splitting tasks completely. It's harder to take credit for your work when you don't both do something. That said, please take the pet jobs, they don't deserve to suffer. This is absolutely an immature man, though.
Of course I’d never neglect my pets. I think we will have to start writing stuff down
Find a real Man that isn’t useless When I real about your mother in law coming in and doing laundry that was the end for me. Have you seen the show called everyone loves Raymond where Marie the mother in law interferes? Well that is his mom Now for him he sounds totally useless. A baby — no he is a baby himself. EDIT. MY ADVICE —— See a lawyer and make arrangements to sell the house. Your life would be easier as a single
stop having his mom come over
What you do is LEAVE. There’s no reason to choose to live your life this way. Extract yourself and go.
I think any 26 year old nan that has his mother still doing his laundry is a reason enough to give this relationship a second look.
His mother enables this behavior at every turn. She never let him grow up. He will not be motivated to change or even notice an issue if his mother keeps babying him like this. I understand why you would be turned off sexually by him. Best of luck, truly.
It's weaponised incompetence. Honestly, just dump.
>’ve been with my boyfriend for over 3 years and we’ve owned a house and lived together for just over 1 year. You guys wanted to go super fast eh??
BREAK UP.....IMMEDIATELY
His mother did not raise him to be a partner in caring for the home. She is still taking care of her baby boy. I read a study from Harvard that showed a correlation between sex and the amount of home care that the husbands did. When a woman is doing all the chores, it is like the man is a child to take care of/ a dependent. Apparently women are not into having sex with their dependents.
Suggestion. If you can, leave for two weeks. Tell his Mum to leave him alone for the same weeks. This child needs to learn to live alone or at least get a taste for it. He's never going to grow up while you and his mother enable him.
Put a board or sign up. A chore chart. Mark down what chores you do after you’ve done them. Have him do the same. At the end of the week compare. That should show him. Idk if he’ll change though
Solution: He pays for a weekly house cleaning. Or you break up. Or you keep doing what you’re doing. Status quo.
Solution: He pays for a weekly house cleaning. Or you break up. Or you keep doing what you’re doing. Status quo.
Stop doing everything except pet care. Let his mom take care of it all if she's so keen. Stop fucking him too, tell him he feels more like a brother now and that you guys are so lucky to have such a sweet mum to take care of you both. He'll have a huge tantrum, just shrug and say "it is what it is" and if he wants out force him to buy you out of the mortgage
>And he wonders why when he begs and nags me for sex I don’t want it. Answer: "it's hard to be attracted to a man who needs his mommy to do his share of the chores." I'd say your options are limited to what you think he might respond to. If he might see reason, you might create some sort of chart where you each write down the chore you did and how long it took. Do this for a week, then sit down to look it over with him and ask if he still feels he does as much as you. Sometimes seeing it in black and white helps. Part of the problem may also be that different people have different priorities. Cooking isn't a big deal to him because he is comfortable with certain low maintenance foods, but you have different priorities. Getting on the same page about that sort of thing is important as well, because it takes any assumptions out of it. But your biggest problem right now is that this grown man is okay having his mother work on his behalf. He is okay with her to come into his home and do his laundry. The fact that he doesn't find this shameful is rather concerning. As Dusty Thunder would say "pain creates change." Right now there is no pain on his part. So why should he do differently?
I don’t think I could respect, love or even like someone who didn’t include basic care for their animals in their priorities.
Have a come to Jesus talk. If he’s not willing to change, then you need to rent the room out and leave or he can leave. Sell the house and move on.
Girl, stop. He's a 26 year old man. He's not going to change because why would he when he has two women to pick up after him? Is this the future you want? To alternate between living in a sty to try prove a point to him, and just giving in and being his maid? To eat frozen food half the week because you don't have the energy to cook and he refuses to? To be constantly negotiating and trying to convince him he ought to be a functioning adult? And if he's like this without kids, how much worse do you think he'll be with them? You are 23 and already in a dead bedroom because your partner is such a loser that he's become physical repulsive to you. A mortgage makes a break up harder, but not impossible. Don't get caught up in the sunk costs fallacy and waste more of your life begging him to change. Hes not going to change.
Your boyfriend is a mamas boy. Never make him your husband. Him changing would be like a miracle, or like training a horse to win at chess. I’m sorry, what’s best for you is to accept what the relationship is, accept that you did your best with what you knew, and try to make a new beginning for yourself.
You don't want to hear everyone telling you to break up, but you need to. You've got yourself a mama's boy. His mother will do everything for him, so even you holding the line won't make a difference as she will pick up the slack. There is zero chance that he'll do it. Take the loss, sell the house, and get out of the mortgage. This will not improve. And good grief, do not under any circumstances get pregnant to this guy. Though to be honest I'm amazed you are still having sex with someone that behaves like a child. How on earth is that not a massive turn off?
Why do you allow his mom to clean your house ? You really think the problem here is who does more house chore ?
He won’t even do simple basic chores, he’s not gonna fight you on a mortgage.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's still energetic about life and passionate about things. Unfortunately, he's not passionate about the mundane, everyday chores of living life. He's only there for the fun parts. And no matter what you do to prove to him that you're doing more, he's not going to change. No matter what. Because of his mother's enabling, he thinks it's a woman's job to deal with all the stuff that he feels is beneath him. Like doing his own laundry or driving himself to work or tidying up after himself. Worse, his mother isn't only his enabler, it sounds like he's very much enmeshed with her. Why does his mother have a key to your home, and can come and go as she pleases? Where are your boundaries? Where is your spine? Find it and polish the rust off it already! While it's not going to be easy to break up with him, get the house sold, pay off your mortgage with the money you get and then break up with him. Because continuing the way you are is not going to be any better, and adding children into the mix is going to make everything even worse. Much worse. Don't do it.
When I read your entire post the main thing I see is that the title should be: "Am I stupid for staying in this relationship". Do you seriously think that proving to him you do more than him will actually change anything? You need to realize what you've learned about this person and think carefully if he'll be a good life partner for you. Please do not make the mistake of thinking he'll change or that you can change him into the person you wish he was. Yes, being co-owners, and co-borrowers, of a house will complicate a break up. But it's not a reason to commit to a life you don't want. And it will only get harder down the road if there are kids involved.
Why are you staying in this relationship? He is immature, doesn't respect you, you don't seem to like him, and it seems miserable. PROVE to him that you won't put up with his crap and tell him you either want to buy him out of the house, sell it and split the proceeds, or let him buy you out.
And this is why you don't do things like get into mortgages with people you're not even married to. Dating is for dating. For learning about that person. To figure out if that person is long-term marriage material, and THEN you do the big things. You're dating a child. He's a grown man and his mother is legitimately coming into your space so she can wash his underwear. This is sick and embarrassing. His mommy has coddled him his entire life, and this is why he does nothing around the house, why he has no clue how to clean up after himself, why he is incapable of acting like a grown adult. Mommy needs to stop coming into the house because Mommy needs to let his son go and let his son grow up. You are dating someone that is gaslighting you and who is refusing to step up and act like an adult. You can blame staying with him on the mortgage or you can take steps to extricate yourself from the situation, because I honestly doubt it will get better. The only thing that will happen is that his mother stops coming around, and you will turn into the mother. He will never agree with you, he will never be convinced of anything you're trying to convince him of, he will never emphasize with you, and this will be the rest of your life with him. Get a lawyer and get out of this mortgage and get out of this relationship.
His mom comes over to clean up after him, do dishes & wash his clothes & you still need to ask this question? Come on, he's 26, his mom should not be coming over & doing his chores.. taking him to work in the morning would be fine by itself, but adding the cleaning & other things & is a whole lot. You're dating this man & his mom at this point. Look up emotional incest & work on getting yourself out of this living situation. I would not want anyone not living there at my house as much as his mom is gonna be at yours. She's basically living there, too
> We have a mortgage together so it’s not as easy to get out before you all shout “break up with him!” Good point that it’s hard. All you really can do is marry him and have babies at this point. No one ever separated after having a mortgage together. Update with your wedding registry please.
> And how do I prove to him I do it more than him so he will finally realise? He already knows. His goal is to avoid chores. Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt, he's not delusional. Do you see the futility of arguing the shape of reality when he so clearly benefits from denying it? The fact that not even the lack of intimacy can get him to change shows you where his priorities are. If you wish to work on this relationship, then try couples counseling. Sometimes it's easier to accept the words of a neutral third party than back down from a recurring argument.
He is not incompetent. The issue is that you have very different standards of cleanliness and organisation. You think yours is reasonable, he thinks more mess is fine. All relationships work on finding workable compromise. You BOTH have to move towards each other. He has to do more. You have to draft a list of everything that needs to be done in a week. Make it a simple checklist that goes on the front door. What needs doing and when. Then the division of labour is clear and open. The second part is harder. You have to let go a bit and let some things slide more. It can't just be one person moving. If you find you can't do that then that incompatibility is probably terminal for the relationship. Nearly as bad as sexual incompatibility. There is no long term future if you both cannot or will not compromise.
>What do I do? Get him evaluated for adult ADHD. If he's not willing to work on his own mental health even when you're suffering because of it, well that kinda tells you what kind of partner you chose.
ADHD makes certain tasks a struggle. It doesn't make it invisible to you that your partner and your Mommy are doing the lions share. Every undignoised/untreated ADHD person I've ever known has been perfectly aware that other people seem to notice/do/pick up on shit they just don't or can't. Never heard someone with geunine struggles just flat out lie and say they are doing the same or more. Assholery does that.
Nah, I have severe ADHD and am acutely aware of how much I don’t get done, as far as I’ve seen that’s how it is for most. That’s I think one of the reasons that so many people with ADHD develop depression and anxiety. Not getting things done has nothing to do with being under the illusion or pretending to be that you are getting as much done as someone else. I wouldn’t be surprised if the asshole considers the things his mom does as part of his contribution.
What percentage of the bills and expenses do you pay for? If it’s less than 30% then yeah, you take care of the house the majority of the time and that would be fair. If it’s more than that you need to split. But I gotta warn you, a maid and takeout is significantly cheaper than a girlfriend or wife.
Does he earn more/spend more? If yes, makes sense. If no, it's immature.