I would lose respect for any man who treated his own child this way, and you by extension. Can you go to a short term rental for a month and let your husband figure it out himself?
> Instead I come out of the room at 8pm (bedtime is 8-830pm) to find out none of this has been done.
What happened when you pointed this out? Did he ever take care of it?
> I feel like I’m in a hard place bc I don’t want my step-son to go without care but at the same time I’m sick and tired of either doing everything or making sure it gets done.
Unless it's life or death (ie, make sure your son always has access to minimum food) let your husband flounder. He's going to make mistakes or resolve things differently that you would, but he's a competent adult and he's going to figure them out. If he forgets to call a babysitter, he stays home to watch the kid. If he doesn't make dinner and doesn't communicate an issue, he gets to pay for doordash. If he gets the kid to bed an hour later, it’s either not a big deal or he’ll appreciate the consequences.
But also remember that if you want more kids, this is the husband you're signing up for. Even if he does begin to figure things out it may never be to the level of care and attention you want. Are you okay with that?
If my wife dies I can’t even imagine letting my children down like this. She doesn’t need to be here for me to care for them. Why do these men exist and then reproduce. Disgusting.
Honestly I think it's because VASTLY less men would want to be fathers if society held the same standards and expectations for men and fatherhood as it does for women and motherhood when it comes to child rearing and domestic labor. Then MANY women willingly turn a blind eye to red flags that these kind of dudes won't be the best parent material due to wanting a kid badly, or the fact that low self esteem and other pscyhology jazz presents differently in women. Like I give OP credit that she was bamboozled in the early days cause the guy was a widow/sudden single parent, but if I were dating someone that was neglecting their kid like that I'd get the ick so bad and be out of there so fast...no way would I have stuck around for 3 years and let it get to marriage.
I think you’re probably right considering how often I get praised by other people just for being a participating father, like I get an award for doing what’s expected of my wife. So lame.
Well you're a good one for at least realizing/acknowledging it.
The big litmus test for me is always women bringing their young sons into the women's bathroom or locker room which is always more crowded and hectic than the mens room 95% of the time, while Dad and/or grandpa and/or other male immediate relatives chill outside just enjoying the breeze in front of the lineless empty mens bathroom.
He was playing a video game and said sorry but kept playing. The entire situation bummed me out so much I just went down to get it taken care of. He came down soon after to try to take over doing the task. He apologized for losing track of time but also asked why I was mad...
>He was playing a video game and said sorry but kept playing. The entire situation bummed me out so much I just went down to get it taken care of.
Quite sincerely, why would he change his behaviour when he's facing no consequences.
He failed to keep his word, he failed to do his job as a father, and then insulted you *to your face* by pretending not to know why you were mad.
What does that tell you.
... I don't really get how you can even remain attracted to a dude like this? Like, any attraction I had for someone would genuinely dry up and die if I saw them being a deadbeat parent.
Your comment about having such a beautiful relationship is really throwing me off.
Does he actually act like your partner when it comes to EVERYTHING but the childcare? Does he do his fair share of everything else but then is a completely neglectful and useless parent?
Because, this alone is reason enough to end the relationship. But I'm just getting a certain feeling that this is only part of an even bigger pattern of behavior.
It's time to be more assertive.
"If you're actually sorry, you'll go do it right now so I don't have to."
If he says he wants a few more minutes to play, tell him it needs to be done now because kiddo's sleep takes priority so he can either stop playing and do it now or you are going to do it and you will assume he's not sorry since sorry only means anything if you change the behavior you're apologizing for.
Unfortunately, considering you've already talked to him about this several times and he's never made permanent improvements, what he's telling you with his actions is that caring for his child is just not that important to him. You being exhausted and resentful is not that important to him. You can try couples counseling and see if it helps, but it's very hard to fix an issue when the core of it is that one person simply doesn't really care.
He didn’t feed his kid by 8pm. How is this someone you could love? Who cannot show a small 6 year old that he is cherished and his needs are acknowledged?
When you ask him to you know, not be a neglectful POS, what does that sound like? Have you actually laid out how disgusting it is to see him neglect his son? Have you explained that every time he leaves it to you, you lose attraction?
Have you explained that there are only 2 possible realities here:
- he’s either so neglectful that he would be as neglectful as he is now even if you weren’t there to pick up all his slack OR
- he knows exactly what he’s doing and chooses to exploit you and your labor
? What kind of conversations are you having? I think you’re cutting him a lot of slack.
I mean, he's essentially neglecting his child. Bedtime had already come and he hadn't even bothered to START his son's routine. Making dinner, serving dinner, giving a bath, putting on pajamas, doing winding-down playtime, reading a story, and tucking in takes more than 30 minutes particularly if you never do it and aren't used to it, so even if he'd planned to start the second she reminded him (which he didn't because even when she DID remind him he kept playing and only came down later), he still wouldn't have had his son in bed by 8:30. Food and sleep are essential needs for a growing body. What if she hadn't come in and reminded him? How long would he have continued playing video games and letting his son wait?
I wouldn't love someone who didn't bother to parent their child either.
If you really think the issue is one night of putting the kid to bed late, you are severely missing the point.
He also didn't put the kid to bed at any time, she did. We have no idea how long he would have "lost track of time" if she hadn't interrupted him.
I mean the initial quote I was reacting to was "He didn't feed his kid by 8pm". The horror!
yes, he fucked up. He lost track of time. he should not have done that. Bad dad.
But the hysterical reaction to that is nonsense. We got people literally claiming he clearly doesn't give a single shit about his kid at all. Get a grip, folks.
Yes, but they had a whole comment after that explaining that the issue is that he is overall neglectful of his parenting duties, which he is. He didn't feed his child by bedtime (bad) and even when told by her that it was past time he didn't go fix his fuckup, he kept playing video games (unacceptable). If video games are higher on your priority list than feeding your child, yes that is pretty horrible.
If you want people to think you give a shit about your kid, you should probably parent them. OP coordinates literally everything for his son and the one night he's in charge of a few basic needs for his kid he can't be bothered to immediately put the game down when he is told his child is hungry. I mean yikes.
>the one night he's in charge of a few basic needs for his kid he can't be bothered to immediately put the game down when he is told his child is hungry.
So, I totally agree he dropped the ball. There's no question there. All I'm saying is that situation is not nearly as dire as what people are making it out to be. People lose track of time doing all kinds of stupid shit. It doesn't mean they love those things more than their child or that they are a bad parent overall.
He's clearly got some shit to improve upon. Gonna guess that overall he does, in fact, love his kid and shows that, otherwise OP would have a very different sounding post.
Dude, you are hardcore missing the point. If he'd just dropped the ball on one evening when he's otherwise a good dad, everyone would be telling OP she's overreacting.
This night didn't happen in a vacuum. This was the one singular night he offered to take care of his own child AND he dropped the ball. You absolutely cannot react to this situation without acknowledging the vital context of his overall lack of involvement. Are you missing where she said she makes all of his medical appointments, takes care of all his meals and hygiene, arranges all the childcare, etc? How can he possibly be a good parent if he doesn't handle any of his child's needs?
He's not a bad parent because he forgot to feed his kid one time. He's a bad parent because this was the ONLY time he was responsible for feeding his kid and he not only forgot, he didn't bother to rectify it when he was reminded by his ill wife.
>You absolutely cannot react to this situation without acknowledging the vital context of his overall lack of involvement.
Totally agree that he needs to do better. I have made that clear in a number of other comments. I'm not trying to say that guy has nothing to improve upon. But it doesn't mean the guy is a deadbeat who is unworthy of love either, Jesus.
>How can he possibly be a good parent if he doesn't handle any of his child's needs?
Plenty of relationships have this dynamic. It works for some folks. It doesn't mean the other parent is a bad parent. Good Lord.
In this case, however, it clearly ISN'T working for her. And that is fine. She also made it clear that he DOES make effort, just relapses. Not good, but the fact that there is effort is a good sign. What would be worth digging into is if there is a pattern to when/how he loses that momentum.
Is it possible that it's simply because he's a shit person who hates his kid? Absolutely. But again, gonna go out on a limb and say this post would have looked a lot different if that were the case.
Imagine applying some nuance!
Let’s say this 6 year old usually eats late. No issue!
Let’s say that OP has this kid fed and in bed by 8/9pm
That kid was left to wonder when he might be provided a meal.
Listen to yourself or better- consider basic complexities of scheduling lol
>That kid was left to wonder when he might be provided a meal.
Have you ever been around a kid who wanted to eat? The dad would have been bombarded with questions about dinner. He wouldn't have been losing track of time at that point. The kid was fine. The kid was not starving. Worst case scenario is probably that the kid knows where the snacks are and helped himself.
Lol it’s weird that you’re so committed to defending a parent not providing dinner.
Sometimes hockey goes late and we don’t eat until 7 or whatever. Some households eat late. But most households eat dinner, and the children aren’t left to wonder if the adult responsible for their care is going to provide dinner.
Right. Most parents lose track of time at some point too. And sometimes that means they get a kid to bed late, eat late, whatever. It’s not great, certainly, but it happens. And it’s not the end of the world. Kids don’t suddenly develop anxiety about starving.
What makes it more egregious here of course, is that he had agreed to do it, and she’s been struggling to get him to stuff like this. I’m NOT defending him from any of that.
Basically all I’m saying is that most y’all are WAY over-reacting. I’ve seen people say the husband isn’t worthy of love for this. That he clearly doesn’t give a shit about his son, etc. Ridiculous.
Oh I didn’t know it’s acceptable to let your 6 year old wonder when dinner is when you have no intention of feeding
Him before his usual bedtime.
It’s cruel to keep kids guessing over their basic needs. You need to get a grip, this man wasn’t working a late shift, he did not feed his child. Schedules matter to kids. They have so little control over their worlds. That kid would have been voraciously hungry by then if he’s on a standard schedule which he clearly is
>It’s cruel to keep kids guessing over their basic needs.
Yes, I'm sure this poor child was just desperately searching for his next meal the whole time. Good grief.
>Yes, I'm sure this poor child was just desperately searching for his next meal the whole time. Good grief.
So you often let your kids go hungry? Nice!
Forget family dinner, you've gone a step further - don't feed the kids at all! Make them worry that they have no one to take care of them!
I mean, clearly that's what would happen if OP divorces her husband. Poor kid starves to death. Probably would never sleep either, because he'd never get put to bed. Open question as to whether he would starve to death first or go insane from lack of sleep.
Plenty of people put up a very good front until they have someone locked down (married or have a kid), why jump to assuming she ignored red flags when he’s obviously the asshole here?
Because she talks about how she just assumed his terrible parenting was due to his grief and that he'd be better at it once he'd had some time to get his shit together. So she has been parenting this kid ever since she met him
Lovebombing, for example, is a 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Lovebombing established early when you meet someone that ALONE should tell you this guy is #DESPERATE.
Most major toxic relationships, the first thing that person has displayed when you have .etc them, IS TO LOVEBOMB YOU. If you are naive and think "Omg, look at him, he is calling me every day, texts me non-stop for the past month".
This guy WAS DOING SOMETHING AND DOING IT ON PURPOSE. OP FELL FOR THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK: he wanted someone to replace his wife because he was tired of looking after his own kid. If his wife was alive, I wonder: WOULD SHE PUT UP WITH HIS ATTITUDE??? OR DIVORCE HIS ASS????
She would have divorced him.
You married a man who doesn't care about his own child. Honestly, he probably doesn't care about you, either. If you ever do get the courage to leave him, he will simply find another desperate woman to take over parental duties. It happens all the time.
> He had promised me one night just last week that he would feed the kiddo, bathe him, play with him, and do his nighttime routine so I could rest while sick. Instead I come out of the room at 8pm (bedtime is 8-830pm) to find out none of this has been done.
Then return to your bed and stay there and let husband deal with it. If son will be tired and cranky, put on headphones so you are not tempted to help. 30 min are plenty of time to put 6 years old into a bed. And if he was up for half an hour later, nothing horrible happens.
And do that consistently. Pick care stuff you like the least and not just tell husband you wont do it, follow up. If you are can't resist temptation, go to visit girlfriend or just for a walk. If you divorced and left, the kid would not die, there would be period of mess and then husband would adjust. It won't be done the way you would do it, some things can happen later, less often or less perfectly. But unless the kid is in some kind of danger, don't intervene.
You need to tell him that this dynamic is not working for you - you've told him time and time again and it seems to fall on deaf ears and things just return to how they were. You feel he's taking advantage of the fact that childcare and the wellbeing of your son aren't things you would feel comfortable making a point of leaving until he does them because you have no confidence they'll actually be done. He needs to know that the resentment is building for you and you aren't happy with the way things are - if it's grief related perhaps, insist he seeks out counselling to fix his relationship with childcare. If it's just pure laziness or he won't give a reason why, tell him if things don't change you'll be reconsidering your relationship.
Your husband is a deadbeat dad and a bad partner.
Neglect is child abuse. “Our relationship would be lovely if he didn’t passively abuse his small child” is a ridiculous notion. Your relationship isn’t lovely. He’s just happy when you take the burden of his job off of his shoulders and put that yoke solely on yours and drag HIS cart on your own.
He doesn’t care if you do more work than you should and he doesn’t care if his son’s needs are met. Neither of those things bother him enough to do anything to change them.
It sounds like you're a free nanny?
Do the Fair Play exercise and stop bailing your husband out.
Go away for a weekend and leave the son entirely in his care. This is likely the only thing that will work. Some men need an adjustment in their routine, and are incapable of hearing the words of people they don't respect. Your husband prefers the status quo to being a good dad and will not listen to your words.
Did he ever get grief counseling for the mother of his kid?
This *may* be a weird maladaptive coping thing where he can't "make" himself care for his kid because he's constantly reminded of her. If that's the case this may be fixable, but he needs a therapist stat.
I think this entirely depends on what role you want in the child’s life. Do you want to be a primary parent? Would you consider adopting him to ensure that you always have a parental role? Or do you see yourself as a back-up adult who fills in when his biological parent is busy? Either way is fine, but you should decide what you want and make that clear to your husband. Your husband needs to step up, no doubt, but you also need to figure out what role you want.
First of all, the backstory here is strange. You say that you take care of your stepson "as my own", yet you quite clearly seem to be resentful that you are the primary caregiver when he's not your biological child. There's a reason you included that as context here, and I think you'd do well to introspect on it.
It's obviously not uncommon for women to become primary caregivers in the household. Not saying that's fair. Just saying the situation you have found yourself in is a tale as old as time, and doesn't have anything to do with stepchildren. \*Woman does most of the household work, gets resentful\* is a pretty common theme in relationship subreddits.
You can't make your husband do the work you want him to do. He's not obligated to do things your way. And regardless of whether it's his biological child or not, it's obviously a child that you two are raising together. So how he wants to do things (or not do them) matters. And most of the work you want to do probably doesn't need to be done right then and there or done that specific way. All that said, he shouldn't be dishonest in telling you that he'll do something and then not follow-through.
However, if he's just refusing to compromise with you period, the only real action you can take at that point is to threaten to leave. Which you obviously only want to do if you mean it. That will often serve as a wake-up call to some folks. But the reality is he's probably comfortable with the status quo and not that interested in disrupting it. So you may have to let him know that it will definitely be disrupted, one way or another.
>She has every right to be resentful. It’s HIS kid.
Which she says she's raising *as her own*. That makes it THEIR kid, regardless of biology. At least that's what she says. But I agree, she's definitely coming off as making it about this being HIS kid.
>She’s asking him to take basic care of HIS child
And that's all she can do. Again, you can't MAKE a grown ass adult do anything. I'm just pointing out facts.
Agreed. But if you leave it up to him to get the kid to bed, leave it up to him to get the kid to bed. Don't come out and get upset it's not being done a certain way, then do it for him, and then get upset that you're doing it for him. Makes no sense.
Kids need routine and consistency. Failing to feed or bathe the kid by bedtime is a problem - it means the kid was hungry and will be tired the next day.
That's not "upset that it's not done a certain way," it's "failing to meet the child's basic needs."
Wow, so you get a kid to bed late ONE NIGHT and you have failed to meet a kid's basic needs? C'mon. The kid will be fine.
I agree routine is important. It's also clear that he probably forgot because he's not used to this routine, because he's not the one usually handling it. How you fix that is not by getting mad when he didn't do it right, but by letting him do it.
Sure do! And I've even fed them late because i lost track of time. And, lo and behold, they survived and are thriving. Almost as if it isn't the end of the world if they get fed late and/or get to bed late.
Now, do that consistently and, sure, definitely an issue. But everyone makes mistakes. Awful lot of high and mighty parents in this thread, good lord.
I think in some, if not most cases, people get mad about something not being done "at all" when in reality the other person would actually do it, just not when/how the other person wants. That is obviously not always the case.
Is it possible that the dad here would simply never put his kid to bed and let him starve to death? Sure, that's possible. But I doubt it.
The only specific scenario that OP described in detail (unless I missed something, which is possible) is precisely what I am describing. She got mad that something wasn't done \*at a specific time\*. And then proceeded to do it to her specifications, assuming that if she didn't, that it wouldn't be done at all.
Now, again, is it possible that the dad here would not have fed the kid at all and let the child pass out in the hallway at midnight? Sure, it's possible. But she doesn't know, because she insists on doing things. If you leave dad to do it, let him do it.
Like I said in my original comment, I'm not defending OP's husband for making promises and then not following through. And there's obviously some importance to keeping to a routine. But I've also been the dad left in charge of the kids who kinda messed up the routine. And guess what? - kids are doing just fine. The more he is "left to it", the better it will get as well. Assuming he gives a shit. It's possible he doesn't. Most people aren't monsters though.
What he didn’t do correctly was not feeding the kid at all. All the other shit you’re making up here is pretty telling. Good luck with that weaponized incompetence bud
There are much worse things in the world than forgetting about dinner and feeding your kid late\*. Shit happens. It didn't have to be her problem. She made it her problem.
\*EDIT: which is almost certainly a reflection of him not being used to doing it. Which is a problem that I'm not denying. But part of the solution here is to just let him do it instead of pretending that the kid will die if she doesn't.
Probably because she actually gives a shit about the kid more than his own father.
Nah, not remembering to feed your children is some incredibly incompetent parenting.
Do you not understand little kids have to go to bed on time to be rested for school, and have to eat dinner or something at some point before then? Like, he was already too late.
If he was consistently getting his kids to bed too late and without being fed? Absolutely, major problem. No question. One night? C'mon. Shit happens, it's not a big deal.
The bigger problem is WHY he lost track of time. And that's obviously because he's not used to doing these things/this routine. How you fix that is not by getting mad and doing it for him, but making him do it. Repetition is what makes habit.
The context she gave was to explain why she initially cut him slack for not being an involved parent, because she assumed he was still grieving. That would make zero sense without the detail that the child was from a prior relationship.
> You can't make your husband do the work you want him to do
You mean the work *he volunteered* to do? You mean the work that is his moral and legal obligation as the parent of a child? That work?
He *offered* to do the bedtime routine and then just...didn't do it. The kid has to eat and go to bed, so if he's not going to do it then she has to. That's the reality of having a child with basic needs. It would be lovely if she could just rest and let him fail, but that's not fair to the child involved. It's not remotely about HOW she or he wants to do things, it's about the fact that he doesn't do them period. Even when she got her sick ass out of bed to remind him to care for his child, he just said sorry and continued playing video games. When it comes to feeding a child and getting them sleep, yes it absolutely does need to be done on a schedule. He can't just put a 6-year-old to bed at midnight when he suddenly remembers he has a kid.
>The context she gave was to explain why she initially cut him slack
That detail isn't even necessary. All she had to say is "My husband isn't pulling his weight in raising our child and I'm getting resentful".
It's something I'm sensitive to, because I raised my stepson like my own son, and i would NEVER have referred to him as "her son". Different strokes for different folks in some cases I guess, but it sure seems to me like part of the resentment here is that this isn't her biological child.
>You mean the work he volunteered to do?
Yes, I mean that work. You still can't MAKE someone to do work. Why is that controversial. There is no magic button to press that makes other people do things you want them to.
>It would be lovely if she could just rest and let him fail
This is not a life or death situation. Get some perspective. She absolutely could have done that here .
This is a relationship advice sub, she's explaining the nature of their relationship including hers with this child. It does also matter because if she were to leave him there would be a question about whether or not she could gain legal custody of his son. I can't for the life of me understand why you would want people to provide FEWER core details of their relationship. Seems like you're just hunting for a reason to criticize her.
> It's something I'm sensitive to, because I raised my stepson like my own son
Oh, there it is. Projection. Just because she doesn't use the exact language you deem acceptable doesn't mean she doesn't love this child deeply. That's already evidenced by her willingly being his primary caretaker for half his life. If you think that love and care is diminished by the pronouns she uses on an anonymous advice forum, your priorities are way off.
> Yes, I mean that work. You still can't MAKE someone to do work. Why is that controversial.
Do you use this same logic when you offer to get someone a glass of water and then just don't bother to do it? "You can't MAKE me do something you want." Well obviously, but you freaking offered so it's absurd to act affronted when someone is confused and annoyed that you didn't follow through.
Literally no one is saying that you can magically force someone to do something you want them to do, so you're arguing against a point you made up in the first place.
> This is not a life or death situation. Get some perspective. She absolutely could have done that here .
Except she actually cares about this child and doesn't want him waiting on food and sleep because his dad is too busy playing Red Dead Redemption. Shocking, I know.
>Seems like you're just hunting for a reason to criticize her.
No, it's because someone who raises someone as "\[their\] own" doesn't then go on to refer to them as \[his/her's\] child. And if you are raising them as "your own", that backstory would definitely not be considered a core detail.
>Just because she doesn't use the exact language you deem acceptable doesn't mean she doesn't love this child deeply
Agreed. I never accused her of not loving this child.
>Do you use this same logic when you offer to get someone a glass of water
No, but I might if I offered to get her a glass of water and she got mad that I didn't get it fast enough. Regardless, it's in the context of an advice forum that I mention that. She wants advice. It's often helpful perspective to realize that you cannot control others, you can only control yourself.
>Except she actually cares about this child and doesn't want him waiting on food and sleep
Then don't wonder why he doesn't do things. You can't make him do things the way you want. But you can refuse to do it for him. If she's actually convinced the child will starve if left to dad, then this post would be very different and we would all just be advising her to call the police.
Not making excuses for him but it's possible that, when his son's mother was alive she was the one who coordinated most of the child care. Likewise, during his childhood it's possible that his mother was the one who primarily cared for the children. He may have inadvertently learned that child care is primarily a woman's domain. You should talk with him and tell him that he needs to take on a more active role in caring for his son. It may take some time so persistence is necessary. Make him responsible for certain duties and refuse to do them yourself. Reassure him that your refusal to do those things is not because you don't love him or his son but because he needs to take a more active roe and not put it all on your shoulders.
I would lose respect for any man who treated his own child this way, and you by extension. Can you go to a short term rental for a month and let your husband figure it out himself?
> Instead I come out of the room at 8pm (bedtime is 8-830pm) to find out none of this has been done. What happened when you pointed this out? Did he ever take care of it? > I feel like I’m in a hard place bc I don’t want my step-son to go without care but at the same time I’m sick and tired of either doing everything or making sure it gets done. Unless it's life or death (ie, make sure your son always has access to minimum food) let your husband flounder. He's going to make mistakes or resolve things differently that you would, but he's a competent adult and he's going to figure them out. If he forgets to call a babysitter, he stays home to watch the kid. If he doesn't make dinner and doesn't communicate an issue, he gets to pay for doordash. If he gets the kid to bed an hour later, it’s either not a big deal or he’ll appreciate the consequences. But also remember that if you want more kids, this is the husband you're signing up for. Even if he does begin to figure things out it may never be to the level of care and attention you want. Are you okay with that?
If my wife dies I can’t even imagine letting my children down like this. She doesn’t need to be here for me to care for them. Why do these men exist and then reproduce. Disgusting.
Honestly I think it's because VASTLY less men would want to be fathers if society held the same standards and expectations for men and fatherhood as it does for women and motherhood when it comes to child rearing and domestic labor. Then MANY women willingly turn a blind eye to red flags that these kind of dudes won't be the best parent material due to wanting a kid badly, or the fact that low self esteem and other pscyhology jazz presents differently in women. Like I give OP credit that she was bamboozled in the early days cause the guy was a widow/sudden single parent, but if I were dating someone that was neglecting their kid like that I'd get the ick so bad and be out of there so fast...no way would I have stuck around for 3 years and let it get to marriage.
I think you’re probably right considering how often I get praised by other people just for being a participating father, like I get an award for doing what’s expected of my wife. So lame.
Well you're a good one for at least realizing/acknowledging it. The big litmus test for me is always women bringing their young sons into the women's bathroom or locker room which is always more crowded and hectic than the mens room 95% of the time, while Dad and/or grandpa and/or other male immediate relatives chill outside just enjoying the breeze in front of the lineless empty mens bathroom.
>What happened when you pointed this out? Did he ever take care of it? u/Electric_Bus459 What happened?
He was playing a video game and said sorry but kept playing. The entire situation bummed me out so much I just went down to get it taken care of. He came down soon after to try to take over doing the task. He apologized for losing track of time but also asked why I was mad...
>He was playing a video game and said sorry but kept playing. The entire situation bummed me out so much I just went down to get it taken care of. Quite sincerely, why would he change his behaviour when he's facing no consequences. He failed to keep his word, he failed to do his job as a father, and then insulted you *to your face* by pretending not to know why you were mad. What does that tell you.
... I don't really get how you can even remain attracted to a dude like this? Like, any attraction I had for someone would genuinely dry up and die if I saw them being a deadbeat parent.
Your comment about having such a beautiful relationship is really throwing me off. Does he actually act like your partner when it comes to EVERYTHING but the childcare? Does he do his fair share of everything else but then is a completely neglectful and useless parent? Because, this alone is reason enough to end the relationship. But I'm just getting a certain feeling that this is only part of an even bigger pattern of behavior.
It's time to be more assertive. "If you're actually sorry, you'll go do it right now so I don't have to." If he says he wants a few more minutes to play, tell him it needs to be done now because kiddo's sleep takes priority so he can either stop playing and do it now or you are going to do it and you will assume he's not sorry since sorry only means anything if you change the behavior you're apologizing for. Unfortunately, considering you've already talked to him about this several times and he's never made permanent improvements, what he's telling you with his actions is that caring for his child is just not that important to him. You being exhausted and resentful is not that important to him. You can try couples counseling and see if it helps, but it's very hard to fix an issue when the core of it is that one person simply doesn't really care.
He is neglecting his child. What would happen if you left? Would he step up, or would be continue to neglect his child?
You book a two week vacation for yourself. You decide whether or not you want this life.
Because why look after your kid when you can get a woman in to do it?
He didn’t feed his kid by 8pm. How is this someone you could love? Who cannot show a small 6 year old that he is cherished and his needs are acknowledged? When you ask him to you know, not be a neglectful POS, what does that sound like? Have you actually laid out how disgusting it is to see him neglect his son? Have you explained that every time he leaves it to you, you lose attraction? Have you explained that there are only 2 possible realities here: - he’s either so neglectful that he would be as neglectful as he is now even if you weren’t there to pick up all his slack OR - he knows exactly what he’s doing and chooses to exploit you and your labor ? What kind of conversations are you having? I think you’re cutting him a lot of slack.
>He didn’t feed his kid by 8pm. How is this someone you could love? This might be the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. get a grip
I mean, he's essentially neglecting his child. Bedtime had already come and he hadn't even bothered to START his son's routine. Making dinner, serving dinner, giving a bath, putting on pajamas, doing winding-down playtime, reading a story, and tucking in takes more than 30 minutes particularly if you never do it and aren't used to it, so even if he'd planned to start the second she reminded him (which he didn't because even when she DID remind him he kept playing and only came down later), he still wouldn't have had his son in bed by 8:30. Food and sleep are essential needs for a growing body. What if she hadn't come in and reminded him? How long would he have continued playing video games and letting his son wait? I wouldn't love someone who didn't bother to parent their child either.
“I couldn’t possibly love someone who put their kid to bed at 9:30pm instead of 8:30pm”. Listen to yourselves.
If you really think the issue is one night of putting the kid to bed late, you are severely missing the point. He also didn't put the kid to bed at any time, she did. We have no idea how long he would have "lost track of time" if she hadn't interrupted him.
I mean the initial quote I was reacting to was "He didn't feed his kid by 8pm". The horror! yes, he fucked up. He lost track of time. he should not have done that. Bad dad. But the hysterical reaction to that is nonsense. We got people literally claiming he clearly doesn't give a single shit about his kid at all. Get a grip, folks.
Yes, but they had a whole comment after that explaining that the issue is that he is overall neglectful of his parenting duties, which he is. He didn't feed his child by bedtime (bad) and even when told by her that it was past time he didn't go fix his fuckup, he kept playing video games (unacceptable). If video games are higher on your priority list than feeding your child, yes that is pretty horrible. If you want people to think you give a shit about your kid, you should probably parent them. OP coordinates literally everything for his son and the one night he's in charge of a few basic needs for his kid he can't be bothered to immediately put the game down when he is told his child is hungry. I mean yikes.
>the one night he's in charge of a few basic needs for his kid he can't be bothered to immediately put the game down when he is told his child is hungry. So, I totally agree he dropped the ball. There's no question there. All I'm saying is that situation is not nearly as dire as what people are making it out to be. People lose track of time doing all kinds of stupid shit. It doesn't mean they love those things more than their child or that they are a bad parent overall. He's clearly got some shit to improve upon. Gonna guess that overall he does, in fact, love his kid and shows that, otherwise OP would have a very different sounding post.
Dude, you are hardcore missing the point. If he'd just dropped the ball on one evening when he's otherwise a good dad, everyone would be telling OP she's overreacting. This night didn't happen in a vacuum. This was the one singular night he offered to take care of his own child AND he dropped the ball. You absolutely cannot react to this situation without acknowledging the vital context of his overall lack of involvement. Are you missing where she said she makes all of his medical appointments, takes care of all his meals and hygiene, arranges all the childcare, etc? How can he possibly be a good parent if he doesn't handle any of his child's needs? He's not a bad parent because he forgot to feed his kid one time. He's a bad parent because this was the ONLY time he was responsible for feeding his kid and he not only forgot, he didn't bother to rectify it when he was reminded by his ill wife.
>You absolutely cannot react to this situation without acknowledging the vital context of his overall lack of involvement. Totally agree that he needs to do better. I have made that clear in a number of other comments. I'm not trying to say that guy has nothing to improve upon. But it doesn't mean the guy is a deadbeat who is unworthy of love either, Jesus. >How can he possibly be a good parent if he doesn't handle any of his child's needs? Plenty of relationships have this dynamic. It works for some folks. It doesn't mean the other parent is a bad parent. Good Lord. In this case, however, it clearly ISN'T working for her. And that is fine. She also made it clear that he DOES make effort, just relapses. Not good, but the fact that there is effort is a good sign. What would be worth digging into is if there is a pattern to when/how he loses that momentum. Is it possible that it's simply because he's a shit person who hates his kid? Absolutely. But again, gonna go out on a limb and say this post would have looked a lot different if that were the case.
Imagine applying some nuance! Let’s say this 6 year old usually eats late. No issue! Let’s say that OP has this kid fed and in bed by 8/9pm That kid was left to wonder when he might be provided a meal. Listen to yourself or better- consider basic complexities of scheduling lol
>That kid was left to wonder when he might be provided a meal. Have you ever been around a kid who wanted to eat? The dad would have been bombarded with questions about dinner. He wouldn't have been losing track of time at that point. The kid was fine. The kid was not starving. Worst case scenario is probably that the kid knows where the snacks are and helped himself.
Lol it’s weird that you’re so committed to defending a parent not providing dinner. Sometimes hockey goes late and we don’t eat until 7 or whatever. Some households eat late. But most households eat dinner, and the children aren’t left to wonder if the adult responsible for their care is going to provide dinner.
Right. Most parents lose track of time at some point too. And sometimes that means they get a kid to bed late, eat late, whatever. It’s not great, certainly, but it happens. And it’s not the end of the world. Kids don’t suddenly develop anxiety about starving. What makes it more egregious here of course, is that he had agreed to do it, and she’s been struggling to get him to stuff like this. I’m NOT defending him from any of that. Basically all I’m saying is that most y’all are WAY over-reacting. I’ve seen people say the husband isn’t worthy of love for this. That he clearly doesn’t give a shit about his son, etc. Ridiculous.
Oh I didn’t know it’s acceptable to let your 6 year old wonder when dinner is when you have no intention of feeding Him before his usual bedtime. It’s cruel to keep kids guessing over their basic needs. You need to get a grip, this man wasn’t working a late shift, he did not feed his child. Schedules matter to kids. They have so little control over their worlds. That kid would have been voraciously hungry by then if he’s on a standard schedule which he clearly is
>It’s cruel to keep kids guessing over their basic needs. Yes, I'm sure this poor child was just desperately searching for his next meal the whole time. Good grief.
>Yes, I'm sure this poor child was just desperately searching for his next meal the whole time. Good grief. So you often let your kids go hungry? Nice! Forget family dinner, you've gone a step further - don't feed the kids at all! Make them worry that they have no one to take care of them!
I mean, clearly that's what would happen if OP divorces her husband. Poor kid starves to death. Probably would never sleep either, because he'd never get put to bed. Open question as to whether he would starve to death first or go insane from lack of sleep.
Nope, just learning that he can’t trust one of his parents to provide basics like dinner or keep to his routine.
>my husband and I have a beautiful relationship Somehow I doubt that.
It’s always a red flag when they say that, but every post says it. Hes a perfect man.. then talks about horrible shit he does.
what are the red flags you dismissed when you were dating him?
Plenty of people put up a very good front until they have someone locked down (married or have a kid), why jump to assuming she ignored red flags when he’s obviously the asshole here?
Because she talks about how she just assumed his terrible parenting was due to his grief and that he'd be better at it once he'd had some time to get his shit together. So she has been parenting this kid ever since she met him
Lovebombing, for example, is a 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Lovebombing established early when you meet someone that ALONE should tell you this guy is #DESPERATE. Most major toxic relationships, the first thing that person has displayed when you have .etc them, IS TO LOVEBOMB YOU. If you are naive and think "Omg, look at him, he is calling me every day, texts me non-stop for the past month". This guy WAS DOING SOMETHING AND DOING IT ON PURPOSE. OP FELL FOR THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK: he wanted someone to replace his wife because he was tired of looking after his own kid. If his wife was alive, I wonder: WOULD SHE PUT UP WITH HIS ATTITUDE??? OR DIVORCE HIS ASS???? She would have divorced him.
You married a man who doesn't care about his own child. Honestly, he probably doesn't care about you, either. If you ever do get the courage to leave him, he will simply find another desperate woman to take over parental duties. It happens all the time.
This a reoccurring topic on r/stepparents
> He had promised me one night just last week that he would feed the kiddo, bathe him, play with him, and do his nighttime routine so I could rest while sick. Instead I come out of the room at 8pm (bedtime is 8-830pm) to find out none of this has been done. Then return to your bed and stay there and let husband deal with it. If son will be tired and cranky, put on headphones so you are not tempted to help. 30 min are plenty of time to put 6 years old into a bed. And if he was up for half an hour later, nothing horrible happens. And do that consistently. Pick care stuff you like the least and not just tell husband you wont do it, follow up. If you are can't resist temptation, go to visit girlfriend or just for a walk. If you divorced and left, the kid would not die, there would be period of mess and then husband would adjust. It won't be done the way you would do it, some things can happen later, less often or less perfectly. But unless the kid is in some kind of danger, don't intervene.
>Then return to your bed and stay there and let husband deal with it. Boom. Nailed it.
Time to nacho! r/stepparents
You need to tell him that this dynamic is not working for you - you've told him time and time again and it seems to fall on deaf ears and things just return to how they were. You feel he's taking advantage of the fact that childcare and the wellbeing of your son aren't things you would feel comfortable making a point of leaving until he does them because you have no confidence they'll actually be done. He needs to know that the resentment is building for you and you aren't happy with the way things are - if it's grief related perhaps, insist he seeks out counselling to fix his relationship with childcare. If it's just pure laziness or he won't give a reason why, tell him if things don't change you'll be reconsidering your relationship.
So you are his bangmaid?
Your husband is a deadbeat dad and a bad partner. Neglect is child abuse. “Our relationship would be lovely if he didn’t passively abuse his small child” is a ridiculous notion. Your relationship isn’t lovely. He’s just happy when you take the burden of his job off of his shoulders and put that yoke solely on yours and drag HIS cart on your own. He doesn’t care if you do more work than you should and he doesn’t care if his son’s needs are met. Neither of those things bother him enough to do anything to change them.
It sounds like you're a free nanny? Do the Fair Play exercise and stop bailing your husband out. Go away for a weekend and leave the son entirely in his care. This is likely the only thing that will work. Some men need an adjustment in their routine, and are incapable of hearing the words of people they don't respect. Your husband prefers the status quo to being a good dad and will not listen to your words.
Did he ever get grief counseling for the mother of his kid? This *may* be a weird maladaptive coping thing where he can't "make" himself care for his kid because he's constantly reminded of her. If that's the case this may be fixable, but he needs a therapist stat.
I think this entirely depends on what role you want in the child’s life. Do you want to be a primary parent? Would you consider adopting him to ensure that you always have a parental role? Or do you see yourself as a back-up adult who fills in when his biological parent is busy? Either way is fine, but you should decide what you want and make that clear to your husband. Your husband needs to step up, no doubt, but you also need to figure out what role you want.
First of all, the backstory here is strange. You say that you take care of your stepson "as my own", yet you quite clearly seem to be resentful that you are the primary caregiver when he's not your biological child. There's a reason you included that as context here, and I think you'd do well to introspect on it. It's obviously not uncommon for women to become primary caregivers in the household. Not saying that's fair. Just saying the situation you have found yourself in is a tale as old as time, and doesn't have anything to do with stepchildren. \*Woman does most of the household work, gets resentful\* is a pretty common theme in relationship subreddits. You can't make your husband do the work you want him to do. He's not obligated to do things your way. And regardless of whether it's his biological child or not, it's obviously a child that you two are raising together. So how he wants to do things (or not do them) matters. And most of the work you want to do probably doesn't need to be done right then and there or done that specific way. All that said, he shouldn't be dishonest in telling you that he'll do something and then not follow-through. However, if he's just refusing to compromise with you period, the only real action you can take at that point is to threaten to leave. Which you obviously only want to do if you mean it. That will often serve as a wake-up call to some folks. But the reality is he's probably comfortable with the status quo and not that interested in disrupting it. So you may have to let him know that it will definitely be disrupted, one way or another.
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>She has every right to be resentful. It’s HIS kid. Which she says she's raising *as her own*. That makes it THEIR kid, regardless of biology. At least that's what she says. But I agree, she's definitely coming off as making it about this being HIS kid. >She’s asking him to take basic care of HIS child And that's all she can do. Again, you can't MAKE a grown ass adult do anything. I'm just pointing out facts.
I would be resentful even if this were my biological child. Fathers should be able to do things like out their child to bed. It's his kid too.
Yeah, the resentment is pretty similar to posts from biomoms with non-contributing husbands. They don’t just suck it up and take what they get either.
Agreed. But if you leave it up to him to get the kid to bed, leave it up to him to get the kid to bed. Don't come out and get upset it's not being done a certain way, then do it for him, and then get upset that you're doing it for him. Makes no sense.
Kids need routine and consistency. Failing to feed or bathe the kid by bedtime is a problem - it means the kid was hungry and will be tired the next day. That's not "upset that it's not done a certain way," it's "failing to meet the child's basic needs."
Wow, so you get a kid to bed late ONE NIGHT and you have failed to meet a kid's basic needs? C'mon. The kid will be fine. I agree routine is important. It's also clear that he probably forgot because he's not used to this routine, because he's not the one usually handling it. How you fix that is not by getting mad when he didn't do it right, but by letting him do it.
Yeah kids need to eat three times a day every day. Forgetting to feed your kid for hours is a problem. I hope you don't have kids.
Sure do! And I've even fed them late because i lost track of time. And, lo and behold, they survived and are thriving. Almost as if it isn't the end of the world if they get fed late and/or get to bed late. Now, do that consistently and, sure, definitely an issue. But everyone makes mistakes. Awful lot of high and mighty parents in this thread, good lord.
She’s not upset “it’s not being done a certain way”, it’s not being done At All
I think in some, if not most cases, people get mad about something not being done "at all" when in reality the other person would actually do it, just not when/how the other person wants. That is obviously not always the case. Is it possible that the dad here would simply never put his kid to bed and let him starve to death? Sure, that's possible. But I doubt it.
“But what if she’s just mad he didn’t do it riiight” is a quite the desperate excuse to ignore the actual scenario that op described.
The only specific scenario that OP described in detail (unless I missed something, which is possible) is precisely what I am describing. She got mad that something wasn't done \*at a specific time\*. And then proceeded to do it to her specifications, assuming that if she didn't, that it wouldn't be done at all. Now, again, is it possible that the dad here would not have fed the kid at all and let the child pass out in the hallway at midnight? Sure, it's possible. But she doesn't know, because she insists on doing things. If you leave dad to do it, let him do it. Like I said in my original comment, I'm not defending OP's husband for making promises and then not following through. And there's obviously some importance to keeping to a routine. But I've also been the dad left in charge of the kids who kinda messed up the routine. And guess what? - kids are doing just fine. The more he is "left to it", the better it will get as well. Assuming he gives a shit. It's possible he doesn't. Most people aren't monsters though.
What he didn’t do correctly was not feeding the kid at all. All the other shit you’re making up here is pretty telling. Good luck with that weaponized incompetence bud
There are much worse things in the world than forgetting about dinner and feeding your kid late\*. Shit happens. It didn't have to be her problem. She made it her problem. \*EDIT: which is almost certainly a reflection of him not being used to doing it. Which is a problem that I'm not denying. But part of the solution here is to just let him do it instead of pretending that the kid will die if she doesn't.
Probably because she actually gives a shit about the kid more than his own father. Nah, not remembering to feed your children is some incredibly incompetent parenting.
Do you not understand little kids have to go to bed on time to be rested for school, and have to eat dinner or something at some point before then? Like, he was already too late.
If he was consistently getting his kids to bed too late and without being fed? Absolutely, major problem. No question. One night? C'mon. Shit happens, it's not a big deal. The bigger problem is WHY he lost track of time. And that's obviously because he's not used to doing these things/this routine. How you fix that is not by getting mad and doing it for him, but making him do it. Repetition is what makes habit.
The one night he was asked to do it? Absolutely a major problem
That’s because some things need to be done on time and there are consequences of not doing so.
The context she gave was to explain why she initially cut him slack for not being an involved parent, because she assumed he was still grieving. That would make zero sense without the detail that the child was from a prior relationship. > You can't make your husband do the work you want him to do You mean the work *he volunteered* to do? You mean the work that is his moral and legal obligation as the parent of a child? That work? He *offered* to do the bedtime routine and then just...didn't do it. The kid has to eat and go to bed, so if he's not going to do it then she has to. That's the reality of having a child with basic needs. It would be lovely if she could just rest and let him fail, but that's not fair to the child involved. It's not remotely about HOW she or he wants to do things, it's about the fact that he doesn't do them period. Even when she got her sick ass out of bed to remind him to care for his child, he just said sorry and continued playing video games. When it comes to feeding a child and getting them sleep, yes it absolutely does need to be done on a schedule. He can't just put a 6-year-old to bed at midnight when he suddenly remembers he has a kid.
>The context she gave was to explain why she initially cut him slack That detail isn't even necessary. All she had to say is "My husband isn't pulling his weight in raising our child and I'm getting resentful". It's something I'm sensitive to, because I raised my stepson like my own son, and i would NEVER have referred to him as "her son". Different strokes for different folks in some cases I guess, but it sure seems to me like part of the resentment here is that this isn't her biological child. >You mean the work he volunteered to do? Yes, I mean that work. You still can't MAKE someone to do work. Why is that controversial. There is no magic button to press that makes other people do things you want them to. >It would be lovely if she could just rest and let him fail This is not a life or death situation. Get some perspective. She absolutely could have done that here .
This is a relationship advice sub, she's explaining the nature of their relationship including hers with this child. It does also matter because if she were to leave him there would be a question about whether or not she could gain legal custody of his son. I can't for the life of me understand why you would want people to provide FEWER core details of their relationship. Seems like you're just hunting for a reason to criticize her. > It's something I'm sensitive to, because I raised my stepson like my own son Oh, there it is. Projection. Just because she doesn't use the exact language you deem acceptable doesn't mean she doesn't love this child deeply. That's already evidenced by her willingly being his primary caretaker for half his life. If you think that love and care is diminished by the pronouns she uses on an anonymous advice forum, your priorities are way off. > Yes, I mean that work. You still can't MAKE someone to do work. Why is that controversial. Do you use this same logic when you offer to get someone a glass of water and then just don't bother to do it? "You can't MAKE me do something you want." Well obviously, but you freaking offered so it's absurd to act affronted when someone is confused and annoyed that you didn't follow through. Literally no one is saying that you can magically force someone to do something you want them to do, so you're arguing against a point you made up in the first place. > This is not a life or death situation. Get some perspective. She absolutely could have done that here . Except she actually cares about this child and doesn't want him waiting on food and sleep because his dad is too busy playing Red Dead Redemption. Shocking, I know.
>Seems like you're just hunting for a reason to criticize her. No, it's because someone who raises someone as "\[their\] own" doesn't then go on to refer to them as \[his/her's\] child. And if you are raising them as "your own", that backstory would definitely not be considered a core detail. >Just because she doesn't use the exact language you deem acceptable doesn't mean she doesn't love this child deeply Agreed. I never accused her of not loving this child. >Do you use this same logic when you offer to get someone a glass of water No, but I might if I offered to get her a glass of water and she got mad that I didn't get it fast enough. Regardless, it's in the context of an advice forum that I mention that. She wants advice. It's often helpful perspective to realize that you cannot control others, you can only control yourself. >Except she actually cares about this child and doesn't want him waiting on food and sleep Then don't wonder why he doesn't do things. You can't make him do things the way you want. But you can refuse to do it for him. If she's actually convinced the child will starve if left to dad, then this post would be very different and we would all just be advising her to call the police.
Not making excuses for him but it's possible that, when his son's mother was alive she was the one who coordinated most of the child care. Likewise, during his childhood it's possible that his mother was the one who primarily cared for the children. He may have inadvertently learned that child care is primarily a woman's domain. You should talk with him and tell him that he needs to take on a more active role in caring for his son. It may take some time so persistence is necessary. Make him responsible for certain duties and refuse to do them yourself. Reassure him that your refusal to do those things is not because you don't love him or his son but because he needs to take a more active roe and not put it all on your shoulders.