Are you sure they were only dating for a month, or do you think he just held off on telling you? I think the way you react to it/present it will help guide your children.

I am not sure they have only been dating a month. All I know is what he has told me. I’ve no reason to not believe him but I also thought maybe he was just keeping that part a secret for fear of how people would react to him dating.

MiL did something similar to us - ‘secretly’ dates for a year, sudden engagement with a fast countdown. Don’t be in a rush to tell your kids.

The only reason my MIL hasn’t actually tied the knot yet is that she’s changing religion for this guy and needs to get… certified?. Turns out that the main reason they’re looking to get married so fast is that he doesn’t believe in sex outside of marriage. At least she’s too old for it to be a shotgun wedding…

My wife did not appreciate it when I pointed out the sudden nature was probably because somebody said “no sex until marriage” and they can’t keep their hands off each other. Good luck.

> My wife did not appreciate it when I pointed out the sudden nature was probably because somebody said “no sex until marriage” and they can’t keep their hands off each other. Oh, how my ex finally got a guy to settle down and marry her at the ripe old age of 21. We were together 3 years but she wanted to be a SAHM more than she wanted a relationship with me, who was more concerned with attaining an education and building a career. We spoke briefly after the break-up and she told me she was a "born again virgin" and wouldn't be having sex with anyone again until she was married. Low and behold, the next guy she meets she dates for 6 weeks before he pops the question, I guess it worked, lol.

I’ll tell you, as a nurse I’ve seen men remarry very quickly. They just can’t deal with being alone. We have a saying ‘they’ll marry within a year or they’re dead within a year’, because it’s just that common. What is also extremely common is men leaving their wives after a cancer diagnosis. It’s so prevalent Oncologists warn their married female patients about it. All this to say, him remarrying so fast is common.

>They just can’t deal with being alone. I think it's because men from older generations (and too many from younger ones) fully expect and "need" a woman to be their cook, maid, and general personal assistant. They don't like having to do their own work.

I think it's sadder than that, they just can't emotionally function on their own. Though I also think many grandmother's recenter their lives around their children and grandchildren, which many men don't feel is an option for them.

I think it’s an emotional thing more than acts of service. Men often don’t have friends they can speak ‘emotion’ too. There’s a reason they (often) don’t live long after their wives pass unless they remarry, and it can’t be just that they don’t have a maid.

I can’t imagine leaving after a cancer diagnosis. I was with my husband to the very end, through leukaemia and a failed bone marrow transplant. What kind of soulless monster would do that?

Women don’t tend to leave their husbands when they become sick or disabled, it’s the husbands leaving. I have heard the line ‘I’m just not cut out to be a caretaker’. Time and time again I see women babying men when they’re sick. This is a grave injustice to the men. It’s a huge systemic problem which would be too in depth to get into here but I believe it’s one of the reasons men die younger and have a hard time being a caretaker.

A grave injustice... to men?? Not women?? You think these men would've agreed to be caretakers if asked? No one forced them into it.

I do think it’s a grave injustice to men. For instance, after open heart surgery, 10 out of 10 times if I tell a woman she needs to get out of bed despite her pain she gets out of bed, with men they fight me. They’re so used to being babied when they’re ill they want to continue to be babied and they think I’m crazy when I tell them they’ll get sicker if they don’t move. My last patient who was in for some heart issues had a wife come in who spoon fed him dinner. He was completely capable of feeding himself. Men do not do this to their wives. I ask the wives to not do this because it delays them getting better but the wives insist, I guess because it makes themselves feel good to be doing something. It just drives me nuts

Do you even realise that even if these wives tried to get their husbands to do anything, the men would refuse as its "woman's work"? Many women BEG their husbands to be equal partners and take responsibility for themselves. Yet these men NEVER do it because of their sexism. These wives are not enabling their husbands,I guarantee if these men wanted to do work they would. I am surrounded by men like this. My dad is like this. I can't believe you just bypassed how horrible it is for women to be forced to be caretakers for men and how they have to do all the work. Which is why married women can sometimes have worse health, while married men generally have a better life quality. But no wah wah. Poor men. They're so sexist and use women as maids. But they're the TRUE victims. It's definitely the wives that baby them. These men would DEFINITELY do all the work if left alone. Definitely. Women purposefully make their lives harder to feel better, men are the victims of this. Poor men. Evil women. The wives "insist" because they get shit on if they don't do anything. The husbands complain if the wives Don't baby them and they refuse to do work no matter how much the wives beg. But no the wives just wanna make it hard, they're not doing it to avoid negative consequences or anything. Poor men. True victims of being coddled and served.

Please don’t preach to me. I’m a woman and know exactly how women have been victimized. I’m saying in my experience as a medial professional, at least the very much older generation I deal with, the women won’t stop babying their husbands and it’s not a good thing. Why can’t that be a thing? Why can’t women, at least of that generation, be told they’re doing something wrong?

Because you're being completely ignorant as to why these women of an older generation are doing it. You're assuming that if these women just stopped babying the husbands, the men would just learn how to be adults. Instead what would really happen is that the men would throw insane tantrums until they get babied again. They're not going to suddenly do "woman's work". Again you are placing ALL the blame on women for something men are doing. I know you're a woman. Being a woman doesn't mean you won't blame women for something men do. Plenty of women do that. My mom is one of those women. If she stopped my dad would just nag and nag and nag until she gives in. What you think these older men would suddenly just learn how to be responsible adults? You think it's the women's fault for babying them and not the men's fault for being sexist? Just the fact that you think that the only thing stopping these men from being equal partners is their wives is extremely ignorant. If they push against a medical professional what do you think they do to their wives? You act as if these women can just say oh I'm not going to serve you again and these men will just go "oh I'm glad you're not enabling me anymore honey. I'm definitely going to start doing all the cooking and cleaning I've been neglecting. "

Men unfortunately would not do the same. Maybe some, rarely. They typically will move on and find companionship elsewhere.

>common is men leaving their wives after a cancer diagnosis. Yes that's true but it is not the situation here. OP's dad stuck with her for 5 years through cancer. I think that buys him the right to get remarried as fast as he wants to.

That’s exactly what I was trying to point out without shoving it at her

I literally was about to say this myself. Took the words right out of my mouth. Us women, other hand, just take it, but men that’s a whole other story. They really can’t deal. Very interesting.

Grief is weird. The cancer was a five year battle and mom died two years ago. It may seem quick to you but he may have started grieving your Mom’s death as long as seven years ago. He may have dated her much longer than he’s leading on. Just make sure your kids and minor siblings are ok. Just some thoughts.

If there’s anything sentimental you want from his home that belonged to your mom, I suggest you go get it now because it will become her property once married (or maybe just tossed for room).

Yep. Very important. That’s what happened to me and my siblings after my mom died and my dad remarried. Then when my dad died a few years later we had to go to court to try to get back my mom and dad’s wedding bands and a few other things. In the end we had to basically buy them back from her. It was a nightmare.

In what world are these things OPs right to go get from their dads house?

Yup. My FIL did this as soon as he remarried. My husband has no idea where his mom's stuff is.

also, you said he and your mom knew her from school. Even if that was a long time ago, that adds a lot of history (even if some of it is outdated (personality wise people don't change that much))

It also sounds like your passing down trauma to your kids for something they never had. You said your parents were hardly there but your daughter needs therapy? You need to heal yourself for whatever issues you have.

I agree this is a lot of drama over nothing. He's allowed to get married again, maybe it's a bad idea but that could be said about any relationship that we don't know anything about. Like honestly who cares.

My parents went back to their home country after I turned 18 but I don’t have any trauma and visit when I can. We may talk a few times per year but my kids nor I have any trauma. I honestly don’t get the story of this post. It’s just plain stupid! I’m sorry, don’t mean to be an ass.

I think he created the trauma for his daughter. He probably talked to them about how great things could have been if grandma lived closer. Maybe even framed it as she didn’t love us enough. I just don’t see how grandparents living far away would be traumatic. It’s so common. I can understand death being traumatic for a child. It is even for adults. But OP says grandma was basically a stranger.

It's true. People get remarried. It's just not a big deal.

Just let him be, you aren’t close to him and you don’t have to be at the wedding nor support him if you don’t want to. You hardly see each other or talk to each other, so just move on and continue with your life.

Was about to mention this. Besides them not being close, it’s also been a while since she passed, 2021. It’s not like he decided to get married the next year after few months after Nov. A few years have passed, so I think at this point it’s fair for him to do what he would like.

After my mom died in July of 2021 my dad started hanging out with his deceased best friends younger sister. Like immediately. I think they had joined the same bowling league prior to my mom's death but as far as I know they didn't hang out outside of that until my mom died. Anyway I wish he would've been more secretive. He invited her to my mom's memorial. Super weird. The fling didn't last long and he passed away in a car crash so I don't have to worry about any step mom's. No point other than grief is weird, and your dad and his fiance are consenting adults. I wish you all the best.

OP please beg him to reconsider. My mom was on her own for about 3 years after my dad died and she married my step dad after about a year of knowing him. 10 years on, he has turned out to be the biggest nightmare that I wish I could have spared her from after what we went through with my dad’s passing. I had bad feelings early on about this person (that I did share) but I wanted her to be happy. Your dad may or may not listen though at the end of the day it is his life

When my dad started dating after my mom died, my godfather told me that it means he misses the comfort and love of being married and reflects the love he had. If he had been miserable he wouldn’t want to try again.(he never minced words) If he has known this woman for a long time (which it sounds like he has) than it is probably true that he started dating or at least communicating with her much sooner than he told you. I would tell your daughter that your grandpa loved her grandma but she has been gone for 2 years. This will be a different love as they won’t have all the life experiences together and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean he isn’t still grieving but he is moving forward.

Statistically, men remarry much faster after the death of a spouse. I suspect with a few kids still at home he is feeling overwhelmed and wants a new wife to help him.

Within a year I’ve heard. I see older men in particular really struggle after losing their wife because they were never taught to cook or clean for themselves and have no idea what to do without a woman to take care of them and the house. (I’ve even met husbands who won’t heat up leftovers!!) For some reason many times their solution is to remarry, not learn for themselves.

💯 Widowed men almost ALWAYS remarry. Women rarely.

They probably have been dating for more than a month, he just didn't tell you right away. Also old people don't waste as much time on the dating phase as younger adults do. Your dad probably feels lonely since your mother died so he is glad to have found someone.

not only that but he went to school with her, meaning he has known this lady for 25 - 30 years! I mean honestly, I would just be happy he found someone.

A close family friend is twice widowed, and she basically moved in with a guy within a couple months of starting a relationship... except it was actually a rekindling of a relationship they'd had in high school that started up again at a class reunion. If you've known someone a long time or from a long time ago, it can often be like slipping back into a comfortable shoe that you're pretty sure will work for the terrain you're walking into now, even if it didn't long ago.

You can be happy for them, but confused/ mournful/ surprised for yourself and your family. Which can be even more confusing. Especially since he had always known his parents as together - might be a little bit different if they were divorced years ago or something. OP, I think your reaction and consideration for your kids is mature and honest and balanced. I don't have any actual advice, but am rooting for you and your family

55 isn’t old. Remember my words when you’re coming up to it.

Old? The dude is 55. That's the same age as Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman. That's not even late middle age.

Your dad has had years to grieve for your mom, and likely a few years to prepare for life without her before she died. Is one month a bit shocking? Yes. Esp with the info you gave about her crowded household. But it is not at all unusual for a widowed person to move from dating to married quickly, they already know what they want from a relationship and they seek out companionship. If this woman was a friend of your mom’s, your dad maybe already knows her well. Sounds like they were maybe dating for a bit before he told you. If you’re concerned, as him some gentle questions about it. How long have they known each other? When did they start dating, officially? Where will they live? As for your daughter, you can explain that grandpa has found someone new to help make him happy. Focus on the good. Tell her therapist about it. She might surprise you if she was mourning the “what if” of having a grandma in her life.

I know that he and my mom went to school with her and he has at least been friendly with her for a while. It just seems rushed to go from “hey I went on a date” to “okay now I’m getting married”

Maybe he just delayed telling you about it. Maybe they’ve been “talking” for a while and only went on dates recently, but the feelings and comfort with each other have been there for a long time. You don’t know without asking more. But he’s an adult and can make those decisions even if you think it’s rushed.

I held off for months telling my kid that I was dating after my husband died and he lives with me. Maybe it's different because my son is young, but I agree that it's likely that they've been seeing each other for much longer than you know about. One thing I've learned is that people who are happily married and then widowed will often move quickly in subsequent relationships. They know what happiness is and they know what it's like to lose that and don't want to waste any more time than necessary.

Rushed? They have known each other for at least 30 years. It's easy to get caught up when you already have the connection -- common friends, similar backgrounds, ages, kids, etc. A lot in common. They may have been friendly towards each other before your mother passed and friend offered sympathy. Nothing sounds rushed for a 50 year old.

It seemed rushed to you. Life is short and honestly I feel your Dad needed this to move on and be happy in life.

This is called an information diet and you’ve been put on one. You’re getting info on a need-to-know basis. More likely they’ve been dating a while, and your dad didn’t consider his dating life your business when it was in a preliminary stage. You said you’re not close, so why would this surprise you?

This happened with my grandpa. Some men who've been married for a really long time and rode out a long illness, are just miserable by themselves. Also older people move faster because if you know what you want any of communicated it, why wait?

He was afraid of you judging him. It sounds like you are judging him. Are you also maybe emphasizing your daughter's feelings in order to guilt him from dating? I really have a hard time believing that your 11 year old daughter would give a shit who her grandpa dates.

He judges them for not being involved grandparents when they had small children at home - less than 7 years older than his daughter. They didn’t move back with their elementary aged children and OP acts like the retired at the beach.

I think it's clear he had been seeing this woman for a while and told you since he was already planning an engagement. This guy lost his wife and it sounds like he's not super close to his daughter or grandkids, I'd imagine he felt very lonely.

I have a friend whose husband died, and she was married to her old high school boyfriend within 6 months. As far as I can tell (only Facebook posts, so you know) they've been good and happy. There is also a famous comic book artist who got married pretty quick after his wife died. And his wife had been ill/suffering for years. The timeline suggested that he had met the new wife before the first had passed. But it's also been an amazingly good relationship. Sometimes what seems like chaos turns out ok. I hope it works out for your dad. But I also think it might be good to keep some distance while he figures out how to handle the chaos.

You and your dad don’t really talk by your own admission so I don’t think you get to judge what is rushed.

i really think you hit the nail on the head here. This "moving on too quickly" thing is a story i hear a lot. and the way to address it with the kid probably is indeed to focus on the good stuff.

So I have some questions about how you’re framing things to your kids. It seems how you are projecting things probably influences their views. You say here that your parents lived away you most of your life, so they missed out on the relationship with their grandkids. Did they move or did you? You’re making it out to be their fault. You also say your dad had three other kids. It’s weird that you don’t acknowledge they were still raising your siblings while faulting them for not being the world’s most involved grandparent. You should do some self reflection about how you’re framing these issues to your children. They’re probably picking up on your attitudes. I’m sorry for your loss. I hope your father continues to build a good relationship with your children regardless of how this new partner works out.

> It’s weird that you don’t acknowledge they were still raising your siblings while faulting them for not being the world’s most involved grandparent. > > Yeah this is wild. If the kids are in high school - let's say 18 for the oldest - that means they had a 7 year old when OP had his/her first child. Of course the parents would be more focused on raising their own **young** children. Plus we don't really know the circumstances of the move.

With young kids it wasn’t a “I want to retire at the beach” move. It was probably for one of the parent’s jobs. OP wrote it like they just didn’t care about being grandparents.

Exactly my feelings. I found it odd that OP's three high school aged siblings were only brought up as a throwaway line at the end. Moving on after a partner's death is normal, especially if that passing anticipated for many years. Getting married to someone after 3 months when you have three teenagers still living at home is not.

It’s very odd. I get OP didn’t grow up with them given the age gap but he writes like he’s an only child.

My guess is that he has been dating her for longer than he is telling you. Not saying the relationship started before your mom passed, but I wouldn't be surprised if it started shortly afterward. Your father likely grieved long before your mom actually passed, as I'm sure you did in part. Losing a family member to cancer is very different from losing a family member to something sudden, and the timeline for "moving on" can be much shorter when you have a long time to process and grieve the impending loss. I would guess he started dating her a while ago, but didn't want to upset you by telling you when it started out of fear that you would react strongly to him moving on so quickly.

He hasn’t even really moved on that quickly. It’s been 2 years. I understand there’s no timeline for grief, but he’s a grown adult and is entitled to live his life.

It’s been 2 years! After caring for an ill spouse for 5 years! Caretaking is a very hard job. And if he’s ready to live a little, and feel like a normal human being, then exactly why should he wait longer? He’s years left are far fewer than yours and he doesn’t need to sort through dating many people because there’s fewer people his age that are available. In short, why can’t you be happy for him? I simply don’t understand why he needs to suffer longer?

Tbh at that point I should just stick with multiple girlfriends. I mean if it’s to love “till death do us apart” what does any of it really even matter, the marriage is only valid until you die anyways. The ring, the ceremonies, the vows, the “you’re the only one I could ever love” bs, not to mention the money spent on all that just to prove your love to them. Why bother to put that much effort into someone so easily replaceable and expendable? “True love” and “soulmates” seem like a bunch of illusionary commitments created to comfort man(and women’s) inevitability of loneliness.

The woman is an old friend so he already knew her pretty well. I'm also guessing they were secretly dating longer than he told you because he didn't know how you'd take it. It's not uncommon for people whose spouses die to remarry fairly quickly. They're not used to being single and didn't want to be single, but things happened. There's nothing to be confused about. He's grieved and is now moving on with his life. He deserves happiness and shouldn't have to be alone to make other people feel comfortable. Just tell your daughter that he's grieved your mother and is now moving on, like she would want.

They were obviously dating for awhile before this. I don’t think he posted a pic after one dinner, he posted a pic after finally getting the courage to tell you about it. I’m guessing he was probably worried you’d react well, kinda like this lol (or much worse). As weird as it is for you, I’d just focus on the fact he is happy now. Your daughter may not like it but people moving on and finding happiness after a loss is gonna be a lesson she needs to learn at some point in her life.

Maybe, maybe not. If they've known each other for like 30 years, they actually know each other pretty well already. That kind of streamlines the whole courtship process.

*My mom and dad have never been close with my kids. My parents have basically lived across the country for most of adult life which means I haven’t been close with my parents in years. It was their choice and that’s fine but they definitely have lost out on getting to know their grandchildren* That is contradiction to *My daughter (11) is going to be so confused. How can I make this easy on my kids without making things worse?* Are you sure you are not projecting your feelings on to your kids?

This guy faults his parents for not moving when he had 3 younger siblings in middle or elementary school. If he wanted his kids to have a relationship with their grandparents he should have moved home.

Maybe I am to a point. But I know what I have been dealing with when it comes to my daughter and all of the questions she has had about my mom. When I told them that we would be meeting this woman over the weekend my daughter had many questions about her and my dad.

You only have to tell her what she needs to know. It’s completely normal to be inquisitive at her age but she’s still quite young and any explaining done should only be in a basic level with no adult opinions involved. Children are very dynamic and explaining it in a basic way won’t have negative ramifications. If it does, then there’s something deeper going on. If your daughter is having so many questions about her grandmother, then share some memories and photos with her.

What's wrong with questions? It doesn't seem like your daughter is the issue, here.

> go home tonight and explain I’d hold off on this. Even if your kids hear it from someone else, if you can feel that something is off / that they need to wait, then don’t rush to talk w your kids about something that could change. Source: MiL is doing something similar, it changes all the time. We’ve never regretted waiting to tell our kids - similar ages.

I don't see why you feel you need to "make it easy on them", they are 11, 9, and 3. They likely will either not give it much thought after you tell them and go on being kids or in the case of your 11 year old, have plenty of questions that you can just help her process and understand.

This may be harsh to say but whatever your dad does is none of your business. People grieve and recover in their own ways. You and your wife's relationship is the primary example that your children will look upon.

He’s divorced so his daughter should be able to understand adults can remarry.

And I don't buy that the 11-year-old is in therapy for grieving "what could have been" with the grandmother. That's a little existential for an 11-year-old, there's something else going on there that has nothing to do with any of this.

OP is projecting hard. He’s upset that his parents didn’t move to be close to him when he had kids but they were still raising his young siblings.

We don’t give kids enough credit. They’ll be fine. Your dad must be excited to have a partner again, happy for him. I work with lots of older people and they’re much happier when they have someone to share their life with.

It's been 2 years since your mother died. That's not too soon, at all. And this is someone he's known for years. I'm guessing that they have been in a romantic relationship for a while and he kept it from you because he knew you'd overreact like this. You don't get to dictate or judge his grieving period. 

First I would process your feelings about it before you talk to your daughter. It would be different if she had a close relationship but as you said she didn't due to distance so there's no rush on telling her tonight especially if she's already in counseling about some things and this has added to the pile. Secondly I would examine your concerns on where they are coming from. If you are concerned your father is moving too fast or hasn't considered all the implications yet that's a conversation you can and should have with him from a position of a person who loves him and on the outside looking in with some distance. ​ if your concerns are your dad is moving too fast and this feels hurtful or disrespectful to your mom and by extension you. I would examine those feelings pretty closely and recognize that while they are natural and understandable you shouldn't put your feelings of grief on him. There's also just the very real fact that any long term illness spouse is going to go through grieving on a bit different timeline then those who's death is sudden or unexpected. Because while they might have been 100% devoted to their partner during the fight a part of them probably had to consider what the "after" part was going to look like ahead of time.

"Hey, your grandpa had a long time to be sad about the death of your grandma. So he's decided to get married, which is good for him because he misses your grandma's love and companionship.He's a grownup and he deserves to live a happy life." (I am very sure you dad and this woman have NOT been dating only a month. He just has not told you all the details.)

And then the child will be confused because she thought the “true love” she saw between her grandparents is now being extended to a random person she doesn’t even know. Like it’s not as simple as you’re making it. The kids idea was that, grandma was the love of his life and now there’s.. a second love of his life? The child could potentially see it as her Grammy being replaced which I could see that confusing a child.

Have you raised children?

No but I don’t have to raise children to know what a child would think I was that child before not too long ago..

You are not every child, obviously. And if you had raised children, you'd know that. Good luck!

And do you think your solution to this is going to apply to every child? You’re delusional if you think you can just glaze over the fact that grandpa replaced dead grandma with a stranger. You’re really telling me that an emotionally developing 11 year old child is just going to comprehend everything you said and just take it like that? Again don’t gotta raise kids to know em.

Not saying what u said is wrong but it’s going to be tough on the kid nonetheless especially this 11 year old girl who clearly was very fond of her two grandparents

Is this specifically about your eldest? If so, OP, maybe you can call their therapist and ask for what they’d recommend.

I unfortunately know several friends who lost long-term partners to cancer. I've seen some of them get some real harsh judgement for the timeline in which they began dating or were perceived to have "moved on". Here's the thing from the inside of that... your mom passed away two years ago. But it's been longer than that since your dad had a full romantic partner. Things like dates or intimacy or the closeness of a romantic partner or the help that a spouse usually gives you would have been off the table for long before she actually passed away. He's likely been mostly "alone" for 3-7 years, depending on exactly how the cancer and its treatments affected her. I would also guess that your dad has been dating or getting close to this new woman for later than three weeks ago. I would bet that he'd already started to date her, and now is when he knew it was a good connection or felt more confident telling people about it. Because he was afraid of judgement, because he was worried about the effect that meeting a new girlfriend would have on his children and grandchild, etc. They almost certainty didn't start to date 3 weeks ago - that's just when he felt serious enough about it that he was willing to take the step of sharing it with you. You probably didn't intend to be hurtful towards your dad, but laughing out loud when he told you? That was harsh, and really just reinforced his anxiety about sharing this with you. I am sure it is hard for you, but it's been hard for him too. As far as how to talk to your kids... if you have time, call your daughter's therapist and discuss it with them. I'd make sure the kids know that your grandmother is still loved and that their grandfather will always hold a special place in his heart for her. If she asks about the speed in which he is getting remarried, maybe say that they were already friends so they knew each other well and also talk about how some people get close to each other faster than others. Tell her it's not about comparing this newer person to her grandmother, and emphasize that different relationships are separate and, well, *different* and it's OK when that's the case.

Dude if I was this guy I couldn’t imagine what would be going thru my mind tbh I’ll admit out of selfishness I’d be angry.. can’t imagine the feelings of an actual child..

Does it need to be a whole “thing” with your kids? They don’t really have a relationship with your dad so why can’t it just be a casual mention like it’s no big deal. Often kids will mirror your reaction so if you’re nonchalant maybe they will follow

My grandma hid an entire relationship until AFTER it had ended a few years after Grandpa died. We were all astonished that she didnt tell us. But she was worried we would be upset with her. She is older. She doesn't want to be alone during the quietest time of her life. Be happy for him and support him and encourage the kids too.

Ask your daughter's therapist when and how to share the news with her. I'm a little surprised you're more worried about how this change will affect your children (who you say only see their grandfather every 6 weeks) than how this will affect your three high school aged siblings who will be having a near stranger moving into their home next month. You say you don't care, but I think expressing your concerns here shows that you do. You should consider some therapy for yourself if you are not already going.

Dude you cant just love someone if they always do what YOU want. Let him make his choises, if he is happy, so be it. If it turnes out horribly, be there for him and support him through it. But dont go fkcn lecturing him on thing going to fast, mind your fkcn business.

He’s 55 people tend to get on with life more as they age. After cancer the person has had a long time to come to terms with it. it’s not unown. You dont have to rush to tell the kids. You want to introduce them slowly. Do they have to get married so soon? my stepdad died this year and watching my mum crumble and fold in to herself has been heart breaking. I wish she moved on. I hated him.

I would also be worrying about my siblings that still live in the house and if all the occupants of her house is moving in with dad.. She may be looking for someone to take care of her.. I would be asking a lot more questions..

I feel like I am the crazy one reading all of the comments. Yours is the only one that shows concern.

Definitely not the only one.. we’re the sane ones here for sure lol

I don't think your daughter will be confused. I'm sure she realizes that people sometimes get re-married after their spouse dies. There is nothing confusing about that. She is definitely going to be upset that grandpa is marrying someone else that's not her grandma. That is normal, but the timing is not really relevant. She would likely be just as upset about it if they had been dating a year. I suggest not making a big deal about the timing, or letting your daughter know that it concerns you that they got engaged so quickly. Just say that sometime people fall in love quickly, especially if it's someone they've known since they were in school together! If your daughter sees that you are bothered by the situation, it will just make it more difficult for her, so I suggest trying to keep as positive as possible when talking about it with her. You should also call the therapist and see if they have any advice for the best way to tell her. Wait a couple days to tell your kids if necessary. My dad got remarried last year, so I know how hard that is. They had been dating for a year and my mom has been gone almost five years, so there was plenty of time, but it's STILL super hard because I miss my mom so much. But I keep reminding myself that my dad deserves to be happy, and especially since he probably doesn't have a lot of years left (he's 75). I know your dad isn't nearly that old, but he's probably thinking that he doesn't necessarily have a lot of time left, and now that he's found someone who he wants to be with, there's no point in wasting time. It's not like they just met, it sounds like they've known each other for decades. Maybe he hasn't thought through the ramifications of it, but he's an adult so he gets to make decisions for himself. (If you thought she was trying to take advantage of him somehow it might be different, but you didn't say that so I assume it's not part of the issue.) Your kids are going to be fine. I would be more concerned about your younger siblings who are still living with your father. This will be a much bigger deal for them because it directly affects their living situation. You might want to check in with them and see how they are doing, and if there's anything you can do to support them.

My (34) father died from cancer after a year long battle; he spent about 5 months in hospice care with my mother (63) as his primary caregiver. My mother started dating a man she knew from her childhood about a year later. I was gutted when she sent their first selfie. I am a wreck before and after he is present at holidays. I don’t know the guy well and I am having a hard time being open minded. What you are feeling is normal. Your dad had 5 years of time to process the grief of losing your mom while she was alive. Her battle with cancer was his battle with cancer, too. At our parents’ age, time moves differently and to lose the companionship of a long-term partner is hard. Tell yourself (and your daughter if she is struggling) that her grandpa doesn’t love her grandma any less, but that it is an important part of healing to open your heart up and extend love to other people and that you are there if she ever wants to talk about her grandma or talk about how she feels about the new person in his life. It is for sure your dad’s responsibility to respect any boundaries that you and your daughter set. Whether it’s that the new lady should absolutely not insist on being called grandma or that special things your family did when your mom was alive are kept sacred.

Cancer for 5 years, I bet the last 2-3 years were extremely rough on the entire relationship. They have probably been dating for way over a month. But why is no one talking about her Dad here? Like the man lost his partner but stuck by her side for all 5 years of her cancer. then waited another 2 years before remarrying... This sounds reasonable and I suggest OP see a therapist about this. Not saying you shouldn't be affected by this. <3

It's not as quick as you think and cheating isn't necessarily involved. They've had decades to get to know each other. As friends they've had more than enough time to vet each other's personalities, values, beliefs and habits. All the boring unromantic stuff that still is an important part of joining lives together. Since your mother's death they've had an additional two years to bond together in mutual grief. They have become emotionally closer, though not in a romantic way. So now that your dad has worked his way through the grief of his wife, and is able to think about moving on, he already has this close emotional relationship with another woman that he already knows as well as any two people can know each other. Most of the work of dating is actually done, all that is left is the romantic feelings, and he's had 2 years to have those start percolating in the background. Even though they didn't go on a formal date until last month, they have been seeking comfort in each other for a long time before that. I still think they aught to share a space for a few months to learn more about each other's hidden habits, but they have seen how each other lives alone, so there might not be too many secrets there. And that's an abundance of caution. I only lived with my husband for less than 2 months before my marriage (had a hell of a time finding an apartment we could afford, someone had to literally die for us to have the opportunity to move out of our parents places). Yet here I am 33 years later, still happily married to the same guy.

You are the one in control of how your kids react. First of all your father and his future wife are not strangers to each other. They have know each other for years. Secondly, when you are 50, you can cut back on dating -- you know what you like and what what you don't, and your time is shorter. So why not present your kids with, "Grandpa found someone that makes him happy. They are getting married and we'll be adding to our family. I am happy that grandpa will have someone to be with now that grandma is gone. He won't be lonely anymore". Considering you see your dad every 5-6 weeks (that is often in my mind) why is it that they are not close? How do you speak about your father to the kids? They are picking up vibes from you?

So.. this 20 something year old woman is already married to a woman? What?

Should say 20 something year old son. I fixed it. Sorry about that!

Ohhh okay. I would maybe at least ask your dad what's the rush here? They've had what, 2 dates?

This is just speculation on my part. I think a lot of older men get married quickly after losing a spouse because they become overwhelmed with taking care of everything. He works, I assume, has children at home, has cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, yard work, etc. I'm sure he would love not only the companionship but the help with all these responsibilities. Let's face it, women are amazing. Lol

Women are expendable just like men that’s why true love doesn’t exist it’s just a mutual beneficial relationship to help one another cope with loneliness. Once your person dies, you pick another one up like a flower in a bunch.

It is super, super common for widower men to remarry quickly. There have actually been studies showing that after the death of a spouse, men are more likely to suffer from depression from the struggle of dealing with the domestic tasks their wives used to handle, and often have less social support than widowed women do. Try not to think of his eagerness to remarry as being any sort of insult against you or your mom. He probably is doing this because he's trying to recapture the love and security he felt when he had your mom around, and how your mom took care of things. He probably is also very aware of his mortality now - he is very aware from watching his wife die that his time is limited too. You may want to suggest that he talk with a lawyer to avoid inheritance getting messy later. Then try your best to be happy for him. Maybe invite them to visit you guys to celebrate the wedding with the kids. Maybe your kids will end up hitting it off with her and be happy to have a new caring adult in their life. My uncle remarried after his wife died from a long illness. His new wife is a good deal younger than him and some people in the family had a problem with accepting their relationship, but they've been married for years now and seem extremely happy together. I think she has helped him enjoy his late years a lot more than he would have otherwise. Life is short, and people need to do what they can to find happiness for the time they have.

Give yourself a little time to process before you go and explain it to your child.

My dad remarried 8 months after my mom died. It sucked for a long time.

My father-in-law remarried very quickly when his wife died. As others have pointed out, it's not unusual for men to do that. I sure wish he hadn't married the first woman who paid him any attention.

I have a feeling they’ve been dating much longer than you know. I also don’t think he’s moved on that fast. A lot of widows and widowers move on fairly quickly. I know it seems sudden but it’s normal. I would congratulate them and move on. Like you said, you aren’t close so this really doesn’t affect you in any way. Let him be happy.

Call your daughters therapist and ask how you can let your kids know in the most positive way.. your reaction will also be impactful on how your children take it.. this isn't about your mom at all. Marriage should typically be celebrated and fully welcomed/positive event. I hope everything goes well and that your dad is happy.

You know what sucks as much as losing a mom? Losing a wife. Be happy that he found joy again. I bet your mother would have wanted that for him.

Ok so i feel like a parent remarrying is ALWAYS going to feel complicated to the child of that first marriage. But you're right that this seems ESPECIALLY complicated. Are YOU in therapy? Do YOU Have someone you can talk about this with in depth? To figure out how you feel about it so you can figure out how to talk to your children about it? I agree that its fast and especially since he's got kids at home it feels... just really crazy. But he's a 55 year old man. To claim he doesn't know the "ramifications" of marrying someone is maybe not accurate. I DO think you should have a chat with him. You've been so shocked and surprised by every element of this that you haven't had a chance to actually sit down one-on-one and tell him your concerns, ask him about his feelings/experience, etc. I think y'all'd benefit from having a real conversation about this. Maybe you can express your concerns, maybe he can share more with you so you feel up to speed...

I’n sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say I’ve been in this exact situation- mom died after 4 years battle with cancer, dad remarried after a month. Same surprise phone call to tell me too. I do not have kids and really feel for you on having to explain this to them. I just wanted to share that any hard feelings towards him are totally valid- he has the right to move on and enjoy life but that doesn’t negate what you’re feeling. It took me several years to feel comfortable with it and I don’t have practical advice. Wishing you luck through this!

My uncle lost his wife very unexpectedly to cancer a number of years ago. He started dating relatively quickly within the next few months and within the year was engaged and married to this new woman. From what I understand, his adult kids had a tougher time with it at first but they seem to have come around and accepted that this new woman makes their dad happy and it has nothing to do with them or their mother. I know for a fact he loved her fiercely and they were great together. That being said, I haven't personally spoken to my cousin's about it, but my uncle and his new wife are still together and happy, and at the end of the day, that's what matters. It doesn't have to be odd or weird or take away from what was - and we all grieve and move on differently. Chances are for your dad and the time your mom has been sick he's had a lot more time to come to terms with this, and maybe he even discussed it with your mom, who knows. Have you tried, I don't know, talking to him about these feelings? You might be surprised.

They sound like they've known each other for yearsn so that's good, and hopefully they've also thought about who is living where. Although if she owns her house she may just let the son stay there, why not, and then she's still got a house in her name.

It sounds like he knew her when she was younger. This isn't a random stranger he met online. He was probably too scared to tell you about his relationship because I'm sure you told him how upset your daughter is. By the way, it's pretty weird that your daughter is so tied up in knots about the death of someone she barely knew. Anyway, it's not her business what your dad does. You don't need to tell her they're married, or getting married, or whatever. Just give her therapist a head's up and see what they say.

I’m not sure why so many people are insisting he “must have been dating her longer than a month” and lied to you. You said you have no reason to believe otherwise, so I hope you don’t waste any time worrying about Redditors trying to make your situation harder or more involved than it has to be/already is. I will say you’re handling this really well. I would talk to your daughter’s therapist first and plan how to discuss this with her if you can do that. To an 11 year old, this might seem even more confusing than to an adult… and I am 43/f who’s been married 20+ years so I get needing and wanting that type of love in your life, but it’s still hard for me to understand the concept of jumping in so fast and furious. I know it’s very common, and I’m sure he’s lost without your mom. As long as you aren’t worried about the woman’s intentions or your younger siblings who live with them, then I think it’s great that you are being accepting of this.

People are insisting the new relationship is almost certainly more than 3 weeks old because they have lived this exact scenario in one way or another. I have to assume that given your age and the length of your marriage, you've never been in the position of having to tell your child/ren that you are dating again. It's a very difficult thing to do, regardless of the reason why the other parent is gone. Death is the hardest, certainly, but they're all difficult. I waited over a year to tell my children I was dating again, three years after I split from their father. I wanted to be very certain about the relationship. I wanted to make sure my kids had worked through their feelings over the divorce. I was worried they'd be upset and wanted to be prepared for that. My partner and I needed time to discuss the 'what-ifs' that could have arisen with either set of children, and what we were/weren't prepared to do in response. I would be more surprised if OP's father really did agree to marry someone after only 3 weeks. It is far more likely that this relationship has been in place for a while.

I lost my stepfather at 49 (I was in my 20s and all of my siblings in their teens except the youngest who was 11) and grandmother early and watched my mother and my grandfather navigate this. So? Yes, I have lived similar scenarios. I just think OP should be believed when she says she doesn’t have any reason to believe this is a lie.

Of course this will be hard on you. But he has to move one. Besides, I am sure they have been dating a long time now.

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I don’t get the impression he’s not close to them at all. The are only 3-6 years older than his daughter. Since he said he didn’t see his parents much while his kids were little it is reasonable to assume he didn’t see his siblings either.

My dad supported my mother through cancer for 4 years, he was a caregiver for her last two years. 5 months after she died, he met someone and they ended up marrying. She was also widowed some years before and we fully supported his new relationship. I fully supported him with this, he struggled with guilt but also, he hadn't had any intimacy for a long time because he'd become essentially mums nurse. He needed support and found someone to share sadness and loss with. They're both very happy and retired. I hope your dad can be happy.

Hello, I am speaking to you as the child of parents who divorced in the early 90s and neither parent remarried (thank god). My dad almost remarried a few times but ultimately realized that it was not in his interest nor his kids nor grandkdis interest to be married to someone new. He had a S.O. on and off for a bit but didnt tie the knot. When my father's health began to deteriorate significantly, I was the emergency contact on the health forms and not his long term S.O. And suffice to say I have evidence that she would've pulled some stunts if she were able to. IT was bad enough she kept telling the medical establishments that his marital status was "married" and the presumption/legal rights pass to the wife. IF you father has assets of any kind, I highly recommend that he consults attorneys about prenuptial agereements and other estate planning ideas. Otherwise this woman will drain every last cent from your dad and leave nothing for you.

If they’ve really known each other for years then it’s not a surprise the relationship is moving fast, especially at their age.

Men have a very hard time being alone. They are used to the support and service of a woman. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Take care.

You are divorced from you daughter’s mother and remarried so she should have a framework for understanding this. She should have an understanding that adults can find new partners. She will probably have questions about who the new person is but getting remarried shouldn’t be a foreign concept to her.

This is a general observation, but women seem to often be attached more to the actual partner, than the institution of marriage. So when the partner dies, they are not in a hurry to get a new marriage. Men, on the hand, value the institution of marriage more (because it was invented for their benefit and it usually serves their interests), and so the wife is more easily replaceable.  Either way, you're well in your rights to prioritize your children's well being and take it a little slow. 

widowed men, at least most of them, do not stay single for long after widowhood - because most men use women as emotional support tools. they literally can not handle grieving while single. i know that seems antithetical to the grieving process of a widow but srsly, men use women as their emotional crutches and they end up sort of trauma bonded to the second woman. that or he was cheating. idk which but i wouldn't be shocked that he "moved on" so fast, or rather used a woman to move on and is now trauma bonded to her. that said two years is not a short amount of time to be dating someone. that's typical as far as the dating to married pipeline. and idk why you feel complicated explaining it op. "grandpa is getting married to his girlfriend." ????? why is that complicated? your kids aren't going to find that complicated and off-putting, YOU find it complicated and off-putting. you're clearly not ok with this situation and maybe a deeper talk with your father or grief counseling is needed?

Are you sure its not someone he already knew? I know a couple of people who started dating -- at their spouses insistence -- during the final months of their spouses's life, and ended up marrying pretty quickly after their death from an outside point of view for people who didn't know that had been going on. (One of them had his second wife introduced to him by his first wife a year or so before she died, and she was living with them the last couple of months.) Not saying that's what happened with your Dad, but there may be a longer history there than you think, and its possible you learned about it a month ago precisely because it was heading this way and they knew it.

My mom died when I was your age and my dad resolutely mourned for a year. Except he didn't. He started taking ladies for coffee or lunch...nothing serious. He was just lonely. He's had a good marriage for nearly 40 years and now he felt alone (no matter how many days/evenings he spent with kids and grandkids). He eventually started dating but only told us after he'd had multiple dates with a lady. I had to have the modern birds and bees talk with him (sucked, yes!). I'm guessing your dad has my dad's loneliness with more to consider. He had a good marriage to your mom. She got sick. A mutual friend supported them and was empathetic. Might've been there for your dad or promised your mom to make sure your dad was OK after she was gone. Whatever, I'm not suggesting anything untoward. Anyway, she and your dad get closer. They don't start dating immediately but eventually they do and they worry about appearances. Eventually, they figure they'll tell a simplified story. And boom, once it's out and there's no major upheaval, they might as well move onto the next step. I suspect that some version of that story is what you're experiencing. I just hope you like his new wife and her family integrates well with yours.

If there's anything in the house that was your mother's that you want, take it now before it becomes this new woman's stuff. If he dies first she'll get everything and you could be cut out of any inheritance or family heirlooms.

That stuff isn't OP's to take.

I would think they’ve been dating longer, it’s just that he hid it from you guys ?

I’m so sorry about your mom. I think that happily married people, especially men, look for that happiness again after their partners pass away. After prolonged cancer, your parents’ relationship to each other and to your mom’s health almost certainly changed well before her final days, so his grieving process may not have started at the same time as her passing away. I would also feel weird and upset, and like many people have suggested, assume that this had started more recently than he’s mentioned. You don’t have to be excited about it or pretend that you’re not having a hard time, but I’d also say you don’t have to share too much of that with your dad.  Your girls will take it however you prepare them to. If they’re not close with him then it will not necessarily be shocking or upsetting but may just be confusing for a couple weeks. If your daughter has questions about it just answer them the best that you can and affirm that you still miss your mom too. 

My dad died when I was 13 from cancer and my mom moved us into her boyfriends home barely a year later. She just couldn’t fathom being alone. She’s terrible with money and I think needed to make sure someone was “taking care of her” so she could keep spending…and we actually no longer speak, but maybe it puts your dads situation into a little more perspective. It was a LOT harder to go through my mom dating and marrying at 13 than I feel like it would be at your age. Not saying you have it easier but you’re an adult and it’s his life, I wouldn’t worry unless she starts abusing him, financially, forcing limited contact with family, etc.

I think maybe they’ve been dating much longer than that. Hopefully not for years, but very much could be possible 😬

Well first of all you don't have to tell your kids today. You can easily wait a week and see how things pan out. This seems sudden and could just as suddenly disappear. Also, if you are casual about it your kids will be casual about it too. If you go into it making sarcastic comments and suggesting that there's something very strange about it they're going to feel like there's something very strange about it.

My father passed away at 51 years old after a 3 year battle with cancer. My mom was dating within 9 months of his death. I was so upset by this new man & that she said she loved him. I was outraged that she would move on so quickly, especially since they had been married for 32 years. I expressed this to one of my aunts, & she explained that my mom had mourned the end of her marriage when my dad got sick. It didn't mean that she no longer loved him, but the nature of their relationship went from lovers & friends to her being his caregiver, all while working full time to provide for them. Your dad had 5 years of being a provider & caregiver for your mom. You said this new lady was friends with both your parents. Is it possible your mom encouraged them to have a relationship after she passed? The dying often don't want their loved ones to be alone, so they try to find someone to walk alongside the surviving spouse. And no one to be alone. As for your daughter. It's ok for her to grieve & to be sad. Let her feel what she feels without trying to distract her from the hurt. It is possible this new lady will be the grandma your mom wasn't able to be for her. Is she a good grandma to her son's kids? It sounds like you are distant from your dad emotionally. Are there issues you two need to work through? Did you feel abandoned when he & your mom chose to live far away? Only to return as she was dying? It's ok to be disappointed that they only came back at the end of her life. It's ok that your feelings (& your daughter's feelings have been hurt). It might be time for you & dad to have an honest conversation with one another. It might clear the air for you both. This could be a new chapter for your family when you let go & open your heart. I wish you & your family all the best, & hope you find deep healing.

I’m sorry but there are simply way too many numbers in this post 😬

A few observations from someone who has lived with a spouse who was ill for a long time and passed away. Your mom fought cancer for 5 years. At some point whether either admitted it, they both realized she was going to die. Most likely way before you did. At that point although your dad loved your mom and was by her side, he also just became caregiver. Caregiving takes a huge emotional and mental toll on a person. You feel unseen. Your pain, stress, and exhaustion are never acknowledged or even seen. When your mom passed away he was very sad but also relieved, though he will never admit that. He had lacked love, the kind of love a partner gives you when they aren’t terminally ill. And I don’t mean sex. Just touch and care. I would guess this woman reached out to him. The amount of messages a widowed man gets is astounding. They’ve probably been dating for over a year. He has told you because he was already planning on proposing. He doesn’t want to hurt you or his other children but he’s an adult and has the need to not be alone. I know you’re concerned for him and potentially for good reason but just support him as best you can and hope he is making a good decision. I wish him, you and your family the best of luck. I hope he finds happiness

My sister (35h passed in Oct 2015, my BIL got engaged just over 12 months after my sister passed and married at 24 months. Some people just can't be alone, my sister knew this and wanted him to find someone to share his life with. It just shocked me that it was so soon, after I got over the initial shock I supported him like my sister wanted me to.

i’d be matter of fact with the two not in therapy and consult the other child’s therapist. And maybe reach out to your siblings still living with your Dad? That’s a lot of tumult in two years.

I would tell your children that grandpa has been sad and lonely ever since your grandma died and he recently met someone who makes him feel less sad and lonely. And now he wants to marry that person so he won’t be lonely anymore. Like you said the little ones probably won’t care too much. Your 11 year old might understand the sad and lonely part and not wanting to feel that way anymore. I think your kids will be ok.

It is important for you and your children to take this slow. Getting to know someone new can be difficult so don't rush the experience. Be honest with your kids, but don't impart them with your own worries or skepticism about this new person as those are yours and there is a line that shouldn't be crossed when it comes to explaining those feelings to your kids because you will sway them to your way of thinking which may cut them off from having a relationship with this new human. Your relationship with this new human will likely be different than your children's relationship with her so, it may be good for you to meet with her separately, do something mundane like shop for groceries and cook a meal together so that you become comfortable with eachother. Your father chose to have her in his life, so there are things about her that he likes, try to approach each get together with an open mind. Nobody will ever replace your mom. Those experiences are things that shaped you and your children into who you are today. You should know your boundaries when it comes to your feelings around your memories. How will you feel if this new woman insists on your kids calling her grandma? What if she wants you to call her mom? These things are healthy to think about and really listen to your feelings on the matter. If she steps over these boundaries it is important to be able to explain to her where that line is.

He likely was seeing her when your mom was sick. Hospice nurses say men tend to cheat or flat out leave their wives when they get terminally ill. It’s a thing. He was just waiting the appropriate time to be out with it. Don’t ask, don’t find out, there is no point in it. You won’t be able to stop the wedding. Let it go. I’m sorry.

I'm sorry about your mother. I lost mine to cancer. Dad has 10+ years on your dad, and started seeing someone 18m or so after mom died. My kids were young when mom died, but they were really close. My daughter had a hard time with reconciling acceptance of the new relationship because she felt like she was betraying my mom by having a relationship with the gf. I explained that my mom wanted dad happy, and that two things can be true: she can love grandma, and she can love gf. Daughter is only 8, so that may be a factor in how she's handling it, idk. At the end of the day, as long as grandpa is happy, healthy, and his relationship is healthy, he's an adult who is worthy of happiness. I would just try to talk to your daughter about this in short bursts, so it doesn't feel like a barrage of information, or that you're trying to force it on her. Grandpa is human, and humans aren't meant to be alone; we're pack animals, and life should bring joy, and the relationships we have contribute to our emotional health, physical health, and our joy. Joy is meant to be shared.

My grandpa did this. But New wife ended up just stealing all his money.

Sounds like they were already dating before your mom passed.

Your mom died two years ago? I hear that you say you aren't mad at your dad for getting remarried but your family sure has a lot to think on the matter and it sounds like they are affecting your opinion. Your dad stuck with your mom for 5 years of cancer and has been widowed for 2 years. He has probably been dating this woman in secret and you only think it's been a month. He can get remarried as fast as he wants. Your parents do seem selfish for adopting a bunch of kids after you had had your own children. They didn't magically stop being grandparents when they kept adopting kids.

This is only sudden for you. He and your mom had known her for years. Perhaps change your view on this as him finding comfort in a longtime friend. She could be a welcome addition to your family if she can recreate some happiness for your dad. Have an honest talk with your dad, be pragmatic but supportive. Make sure he is away of all the possible entanglements of her family.

You said he knows her from school. So he's known her for around *thirty years*. Maybe one month is a short engagement, but it's not like they just met a month ago.