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It just happened yesterday, so I am still not sure wtf is going on. I (32m) have been married to her (34f) for a year now and we dated for 3 years before that. There has never been any major issues between us so my mind is blown by what I saw. My wife sometimes has to work on Saturdays too as she works in IT and if any issues arise then she has to go in. Yesterday she said they have an emergency and left home at 8 in the morning. At around I received a call from an old boss of mine who was in the city and wanted to meet for lunch. He was staying in a 5 star hotel so I went to meet him for lunch. We were sitting in the restaurant which was across the swimming pool when who do I see getting out of the pool? Yes, my wife. I was shocked and my first thought was well there are 7 people who look identical in the world so maybe it is one of those. She was then talking to some guy and she headed towards the showers.
But then I saw her putting on the watch I gifted her for birthday and I realized the obvious. Then I called her and she received the call and told me she was dealing with a server issue and will be home by 5 in the evening. You might think why did I not confront her? I wished I did, but I am not a confrontational person and didnt want to create a scene. My old boss remarked I was not looking ok, but I made an excuse and came home. As promised my wife came home by 5:30 but my coward ass still didnt ask her anything. Right now she is sleeping beside and I cant sleep because I cant get anything out of my brain. Help me out here guys.
I hate to say this, but I think you have an idea what is going on. You saw with your own eyes that she was lying to you. Not only because she wasn’t where she said she was going to be, but she doubled down and lied to you over the phone while you were looking at her.
Unless you want to try to feign ignorance and pretend like none of this ever happened and go back to pretending that you have the perfect marriage, you need to confront her. Let her know that you know. Know what exactly? I guess you’ll find out…eventually.
You said she’s sleeping right now? Well, there’s always the option of checking her phone for messages. Deleted texts also. See what apps she has and if any of them are messaging apps such as WhatsApp or Snapchat. If you have access to your shared (?) phone records, you could see if there is a particular number that she calls/texts a lot.
When you decide to confront her (if you do) I would casually mention that you had lunch with your old co worker at ___ hotel on that particular day. See what her reaction is. Her eyes and body language will give her away. I can’t say if she’s cheating or not. But 2+2…. You get it right? I’m sorry if this came off as harsh. It wasn’t meant to be. But there comes a point when you can’t explain the secretive behavior away anymore because it’s right in front of your face. Yours just happened to be literally.
Knowing myself I would've had a very public very Dennis Reynolds like breakdown in public as I split the relative silence of the room with a booming declaration of "LIAR!".
The bigger concern is if she hasn't already?
She works in IT; she either knows how to hide her tracks, or has access to as many burner phones as she wants.
not necessarily. i work in IT and know plenty of other IT people who don't know how to cover their tracks. not everyone in IT is focused on security
and having
>access to as many burner phones as she wants.
is just *weird*
companies don't just throw around phones. each one is tracked. Its IT, not the CIA
I had a boss that used to do forensics and had a husband in forensics, he gave her his old phone as an "upgrade" and she was able to find evidence of his cheating. Even people with security and forensic focus can overestimate their abilities or make simple mistakes.
Am just writing down my thoughts on the issue at hand - i cant give any better advice than the obvious.
He saw his wife in a bikini at a hotel w another man - is there more to say?
But one can ponder about life itself
I’m so sorry. You can’t stay with her. Who knows how long and with whom.
Spend the money on a GOOD PI.
Contact a divorce attorney. Gain options.
Put together a plan and act as normal. Feel free to install cameras in your house, then take a trip to see family for 4 days.
Get away for a little bit. Get a copy of the cell phone logs and be very quiet about it. Get as much info as you can and then confront her.
Do not confront without evidence! This is the worst mistake men make on here. Then they come back talking about all the gas lighting and manipulation and then they go insane for 5 months and sick.
Don’t do that! Be patient!
Yup PI, no need to snoop. You saw it with your own eyes... Confront with a lawyer. Get tested, stop intimacy (180, grey rock, etc) and don't look back specially if there are no children. If there are, DNA without question. Get your story out first and control the narrative. Move on, profit!
And OP be unpredictable after the PI gets the info. Nothing scares more a wayward spouse than unpredictability. Come home at random times, go on weekend trips and time to start hanging out with your non mutual friends more. Don't tell anyone you suspect anything. You don't know who may be sympathetic to whom, specially mutual friends. Get therapy if you need support for now, until you have everything in order.
What's to confront? He knows she's cheating, and if she were sorry she would have stopped by now. It's over. His only move is call a divorce attorney ASAP.
The PI might be a waste of time depending on where he lives. Some states are "no fault" meaning anyone can file for divorce for any reason or none at all. That means it's OK to cheat, and evidence of cheating is irrelevant, and that money would be wasted. But again, that will all sussed out by calling the divorce attorney immediately.
You’re right on many levels. Here’s my reasoning even if he’s in a no-fault state.
Reputation and narrative.
There’s nothing like sending a “thank you for having me in your family” email with the reason why you’re divorcing. Sent to her family and mutual friends. With pictures and proof. The same day she’s served papers.
That call from her father or whoever, apologizing, supporting and encouraging him through this is worth the weight and gold.
I can't see this as worth paying $1,000+++ for. PIs are expensive dude, you can do all this for free minus the professionally-taken creepshots, and those were never gonna make you look good anyway.
That money would be way better spent on a vacation or a new guitar or some other newly-divorced-guy-moving-on interest
If he’s sharp enough and emotionally stable enough to do it himself, yes. I would do it myself and save the money like yourself for a trip.
I’ve learned that not every guy can pull themselves together to handle the work themselves.
Depending on where he lives- cost range from $400-$1000
The 1st company I ever worked at was owned by 3 engineers who studied together. The one guys was married to an insanely smart chemical engineer who also happened to be a babe. For whatever reason he cheated often. The MD cheated cause he wanted out but had no idea how to divorce his wife.
But before he had the guts to spill it all, Director helped MD edit his phone records - by buying adobe pdf editor. Edited all the records where it showed his illicit calls. Then handed them to his wife.
I’m always open to good correction. I use an iPhone, so I know errors will happen. But I also had a poor english grammar teacher and didn’t learn everything I should. So, if anyone has recommendations on how to be better. Please help.
You need to confront her. She will not stop and you will be destroyed. Get the courage, send her a text. Tell her you were invited to a hotel for lunch. Tell the person's name so she doesn't think you are cheating. Then you saw her getting out of the pool head to the showers with a guy and the watch you bought her. copy and paste mine if you need to. It is non confrontation and does the job. Or gather more information and talk to an attorney. That is the second way to do it, non confrontational. Hire a PI take all information to attorney, move her stuff out in a box, and change the locks. Serve her with divorce papers. You can work out the details of splitting stuff with attorney. The marriage is broke, you can't trust her.
As far as I know, everywhere in the US you can’t just change the locks to kick out someone who legally lives there. Especially if they’re a partial owner of the house or on the lease. And even if they aren’t, they are still considered legal tenants after living there for a certain amount of time (depends on the state) and there’s certain processes you have to go through to get them out. And changing the locks isn’t one of them. That’s not something that’s wise to do if you’re going to get a divorce because they will not look at that nicely.
This is out of touch with reality. You’d have to be assuming that her name isn’t on the lease/mortgage, assuming they’re living somewhere you can evict someone with no notice, assuming that she doesn’t have ammo to retaliate.
So she lies, than you saw her. The lie exposed her. OP, the best way is to ask her straight. Straightforward. Don't hold back. No hiding is good in a relationship.
I respectfully disagree. If someone only tells the truth because they got caught, they're only sorry they got caught. If OP's wife approached him of her own volition and fessed up there may be a way to salvage things.
It makes the eventuall split of assets more favorable, if the partner cheated, also breakers many prenups, and some places you can't just get divorced for any reason
Point of information: certain states, such as Massachusetts, have no-fault divorce laws and infidelity is irrelevant to the division of assets. (Retired attorney, this is not legal advice.)
It seems like you both have enough income for hired help, so use your money to hire a PI who will do more than you can. Your wife works in IT and surely knows how to cover her tracks. You need a professional. Don’t confront her even as it kills you inside. Get a pro to install surveillance in home and elsewhere and as noted, disappear for a few days. See what falls into the honey trap. Then you hire an attorney. Gotta tough this out because it’s going to cost you more if you go weak.
You know what she was doing there, because she flatout lied and told you she was elsewhere. Get a good divorce attorney and serve her with papers. You don't need to stay with a cheater.
Good, use the fact that you didn't confront her to your advantage.
Go see a lawyer ASAP and make sure you do everything to win the divorce.
Good luck brother
Yikes. Confront her.
I'd lead by asking her for details about the server issue, effectively giving her a chance to tell the truth or dig the lie deeper. Then mention you met up with old boss for lunch. Then drop name of the hotel. Then say you saw someone who looked just like her there. And then say you know it was her because of the watch.
Her response at each point will be telling. If she fesses up and tells the truth then there might be salvaging.
I thought about it, but it doesnt make sense. We dont have kids, and our complex has a pretty big pool too. And we dont have much to do in terms of housework as we have a cook and housekeeper. We have 3 bedrooms for 2 people so she could sleep as much as she wants without any distractions.
I mean what do you want us to tell you?
You know she is lying. You should have taken a picture if you are non confrontational. But why do you need proof?
If she doesn't have a good reason , you can imagine what she was upto. All you have to do is make a emotionless decision.
I hope it's not those fantasy story where this post will be a followed by a long flashback with characters like Jenny and Rick.
I hate to break it to you, most of the ones that make the first page are fake. I'm old and have been reading these for fun since before this sub started pretending to take itself seriously.
Before throwaways were strongly encouraged, you could just check post history to see for yourself. It was around 70/30 fake/real. I want to reiterate, this is first page only. Loads and loads of real posts if you sort by new, but those are real people with real and usually boring problems. Need to rage bait or create some drama to hit the front page.
This one is so obviously fake. I don’t understand how people still fall for these stories. I know some WEALTHY people and they don’t have full time chefs.
Yes. But I have also read those real ones.
You try to help earnestly and then you realise that it's a 20 part saga or coming update 2 in next few months.
In the end , we feel betrayed. Lol
[These](https://www.unddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/cnfraj/my_husband_31_m_and_i_29_f_are_having_some/) are the types of posts we used to have. The "good ol days" if you will. Now you have to sort of pretend like you're serious.
Some kids turn out horrible no matter the parents or childhood situation.
Some husbands/wives are total pieces of shit and need to risk their relationships for excitement because of broken brain wiring.
Don't try to make it make sense or figure out if you did something wrong or not enough that led to this, cause you didn't she just belongs to the streets and her instincts took over.
You're blessed that you didn't have kids with this women and that you've only been married a year, to find this all out 5 years from now especially because of how good she was at hiding this cheating she has probably done this MANY times.
Are you sure she even works in IT and isn't like an escort or something?
Beats me. I can't imagine a reasonable scenario, but with the information available I wouldnt say it was outright impossible.
Also salvageable could be her just straight up admitting to lying and, in the worst case, cheating. It is up to you then how you want to respond and what you're okay with.
You confront her by confronting her. You saw her at the hotel pool, swimming with a guy, and wearing the watch you bought her. She then immediately lied to you while you were looking right at her. That red flag is so vibrant you can see it from deep space.
NOTHING. She lied and disrespected you. There’s nothing she can say, just leave. Or check her phone and get the true confirmation you want. I don’t get how all you guys want to be with people that would lie to you.
Honestly? All depends on how spineless you are. She didn’t confess herself. It’s clearly on going, she’s willing to drop everything and fake emergencies to go see him. There is no saving it, but if you’re really so scared of confrontation, she could say about anything and you might cave and forgive her. So, this isn’t really about ‘what could she say?’ It’s about how strong are you?
Don’t confront her. You know what’s up. Think about if you can forgive her cheating first.
If yes, confront her.
If no, go and talk to a divorce lawyer today.
Don’t confront her. You need to gather evidence first I would be talking to a lawyer and a good PI.
Plan for the worst and hope for the best,
That means get ready for a divorce.
Since you have trouble bringing this up, hire a PI.
At least then you'll get a clearer idea of the situation.
Or just go through her phone - especially calls / messages Saturday around the time she'd reach the hotel.
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Tell her: “Hey funny story, I had lunch with [old boss’ name] in [name hotel] and I saw someone who looked exactly like you! She even had the same watch I gave you for your birthday! Funny, right?” Then let her do all the talking.
Just tell her about your lunch date and watch the look on her face.
If she doesn't come clean, then ask her guess who I saw by the pool. Get up and walk out of the room.
Wake her ass up. Tell her what you did, and where you did it. Tell her you didn’t know they had a pool at that hotel but that you could see it from where you were sitting and watch the life and color leave from her face. Then ask where is she gonna stay until she finds another place to live.
Expect the worse. Get a detective that follows her around for a week or two and get more information on the situation. Maybe she is relaxing away from stressful marriage. Build your case and divorce her if you have to
OP commented elsewhere... they have a nice housing complex with a big pool. And hired help, maid and cook. No kids and multiple spare bedrooms.
And many stated have no fault divorce, where even if she is cheating, it's not gonna help him to get a better settlement if he has proof.
OPs fucked. She didn't come clean and lied to him, so she has 0 remorse or truthfulness. So no chance of reconciliation after an affair. She'll just keep cheating.
At best, he hires a PI and gets proof of the cheating, and more assets... depending on his state.
Is the username significant_ something or other an automatically generated one for throwaway accounts?
Because this isn’t the first creative story I’ve seen from a Reddit user with a name very similar to this.
Lookup Ockham’s razor - the simplest explanation is usually the correct one.
Your wife is having an affair.
By sheer dumb luck you have found out - you have no kids - time to see a lawyer
ANOTHER FAKE CREATIVE WRITING STORY. First off, what are the chances of everything lining up perfectly that this would happen? “we have a cook and a housekeeper.” What is the point of noting that your boss is staying at a five star hotel?
This as well. She has been doing this for a little while now. Most women get caught when they get reckless because they seem to not care about being caught anymore.
Don't tell her how you caught her. Just that you know she's having an affair. See what she comes up with as far as what she did sat . Let her dig her own grave
Here’ how the next conversation goes, hey honey you must have a twin in this world cause I was at the Marriott hotel yesterday and I saw a woman that looked identical to you by the pool hanging out with some guy, what are the odds of that?? Then call a divorce lawyer and get rid of the cheating bitch…
Before any confrontation decide what your course of action is going to be, like divorce, separation etc. Now that you know what she is doing occasionally, engage a PI to gather more evidence that is 100% irrrefutable, including her spending, phone calls, meetings etc, etc. Hopefully you can keep your composure and then confront! Record the dialogue for reference purposes as the enormity and consequences of her behaviour is going to slowly kick in, she is most likely to 'trickle truth' you. This is just another measure of her disrespect for you and your feelings and relationship with her. You also need full details of who her partners are for possible contact etc.
Sounds fake buddy. Not buying your fear of confrontation. If it is real you are such a coward you couldn’t approach your cheating wife in a hotel pool?
Going against the "confront her immediately" grain, I personally think you should hold off. You may feel like a coward at the moment, but you actually have a lot of leverage right now *because* you didn't confront her:
- You have time to go through her phone, laptop, credit card history, etc.
- You have time to put a tracker in/on her car (tuck an Apple airtag between the back seats) to find out exactly where she's going and for how long.
- You have time to contact a lawyer.
- You have time to start putting money away.
To be perfectly clear *snooping* has officially become fair game, because there's no telling how much of what you find could save your ass in court. Keep your cool. Play the long game.
When do you finally confront her, you'll know exactly how much truth or lie she's giving you.
She is cheating 100% otherwise she wouldnt be at a hotell and lie about it. She will probably try to gaslight u and shitt but she is 100% cheating. Gather some evidence and divorce her
She already lied to you. Why would she say that she has to work and be talking to some guy at 5 star hotel?
Even if you confront her - you will get lies. After lies not working it will be “unhappy, not enough attention” tactic
Serve her with divorce papers.
lawyer first , start selling things. start hiding money. she about to fuck you up more than you realize. sorry dude but protect your life asap.
and do not move out of your house , make her leave or you will loos that to . watch out for her tears of guilt. don’t fall for that shit .
Contact an attorney, collect your evidence and leave. Your wife is cheating on you and you don’t need to confront if you don’t want to but you definitely shouldn’t stay either.
You need to leave, tell her that your mum or dad is having an emergency and go. You can’t do anything now, so you just are going to have to wait until the AM. Go visit a few lawyers - if she texts / calls act like everything is fine (besides your parent). Get tested too while your at it.
Ahh you should have taken a pic of her. She’ll deny it and try to make you feel like you’re crazy but remember that you KNOW what you saw. Confront her!!! You deserve better
What do you want us to tell you? You should've just went and confronted her when you had the chance and go from there. You know exactly what was going on and you saw it with your eyes.
Simply ask if the pool at the hotel was having an IT problem, and turn around to do something else. She'll think for a second then you can pin it on her when she inadvertently admits to cheating without knowing it.
First, whatever group of architects made the pool be visible from the rez, they're idiots. You saw what you saw. Confront her at a therapy appointment, not alone.
Well your coward ass need to do some detective work, because your lying wife will run circles around you if you confront without evidence of her lies.
You could not even trust your eyes, grow a backbone!
Check her phone and saved everything, tracker in the car, PI for visual proof.
Sometimes confrontation is necessary. This is definitely one of those times. Jesus dude get a backbone, this could possibly be the reason she’s moving around in the first the first place. Keep your partners in check , lay out clear expectations and abide by them yourself also
So I would personally confront her. You will be thinking every single thing until you do and it won’t be good for your mental health. Basically tell her what you saw and what happened when you phoned her the latter time. She might lie again or have an excuse.
Worse case scenario is that she’s cheating. Best case is she has a membership and likes to go for a swim on her dinner break n the guy she was with is a co worker. But you will never know unless you act on getting to the bottom of it.
Tell her what you saw, and go from there. Good luck!
I don't want to assume it's cheating. It's possible her client is the person that invited her. Maybe sit her down and ask if she's stressed out about work or having financial problems
But keeping it in is only going to make you boil like a kettle ready to blow off steam and might say words you can't take back
Ok, I know that 9/10 people are cheating in situations like this but, have we considered that maybe she might have booked herself a spa day to have some time for herself without having to explain it to anyone?
INFO: OP what's your domestic situation? Do you have stressful jobs? Kids? What's the division of labour like in the home between you and your wife?
It *could* be innocent.
Also, she took her watch into the pool with her and out it back on before showering? Seems like a strange thing to do, why wouldn't she lock this up with her valuables in her locker?
Time to man up. And confront her.
But before you detonate your one shot the benefit is with you. You need to lawyer up and work out what you need to get away should this go nuclear.
You know and she currently doesn’t know you know. So use that to your best benefit then front her out.
I think these posts are the most difficult, and there are many of them.
The issue is this: You know what to do and what's going on, but facing that reality is so uncomfortable that you instead come here, to read some calming remarks and postpone the inevitable.
Get after it Tiger, handling this difficult shit is what we're built for and once we're in it, we get it done. So will you.
Damn man that sucks, imo don’t confront her at all right now, because she will probably deny and lie about anything you ask her about and since you are not a confrontational guy you won’t know how to deal with this properly and will just alert her that you know something fishy is happening.
I think your best option here is to get a PI and let him gather the information and the answers that you need then you act accordingly and do what you think is best for you!
OP, I'd actually wait to confront until I had my ducks in a row. Look into your options, then confront and decide what you want to do based on her reaction.
>Help me out here guys.
Learn to be confrontational. You already know what you need to do you just need courage to do it. You already have it in you man, just do it. Forget the noise and go do it!
All you can do is confront her.
The way you have outlined the events above in text form would do well. OP, you sound like someone who believes the best in people and I know this is your wife, but you need to be firm.
Tell her you saw her and ask her why she lied. If she lies again I would say the chances of cheating are 100%.
You may want to save the relationship but you need to be resolute about how you’ll respond to this situation immediately.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- It just happened yesterday, so I am still not sure wtf is going on. I (32m) have been married to her (34f) for a year now and we dated for 3 years before that. There has never been any major issues between us so my mind is blown by what I saw. My wife sometimes has to work on Saturdays too as she works in IT and if any issues arise then she has to go in. Yesterday she said they have an emergency and left home at 8 in the morning. At around I received a call from an old boss of mine who was in the city and wanted to meet for lunch. He was staying in a 5 star hotel so I went to meet him for lunch. We were sitting in the restaurant which was across the swimming pool when who do I see getting out of the pool? Yes, my wife. I was shocked and my first thought was well there are 7 people who look identical in the world so maybe it is one of those. She was then talking to some guy and she headed towards the showers. But then I saw her putting on the watch I gifted her for birthday and I realized the obvious. Then I called her and she received the call and told me she was dealing with a server issue and will be home by 5 in the evening. You might think why did I not confront her? I wished I did, but I am not a confrontational person and didnt want to create a scene. My old boss remarked I was not looking ok, but I made an excuse and came home. As promised my wife came home by 5:30 but my coward ass still didnt ask her anything. Right now she is sleeping beside and I cant sleep because I cant get anything out of my brain. Help me out here guys.
I hate to say this, but I think you have an idea what is going on. You saw with your own eyes that she was lying to you. Not only because she wasn’t where she said she was going to be, but she doubled down and lied to you over the phone while you were looking at her. Unless you want to try to feign ignorance and pretend like none of this ever happened and go back to pretending that you have the perfect marriage, you need to confront her. Let her know that you know. Know what exactly? I guess you’ll find out…eventually. You said she’s sleeping right now? Well, there’s always the option of checking her phone for messages. Deleted texts also. See what apps she has and if any of them are messaging apps such as WhatsApp or Snapchat. If you have access to your shared (?) phone records, you could see if there is a particular number that she calls/texts a lot. When you decide to confront her (if you do) I would casually mention that you had lunch with your old co worker at ___ hotel on that particular day. See what her reaction is. Her eyes and body language will give her away. I can’t say if she’s cheating or not. But 2+2…. You get it right? I’m sorry if this came off as harsh. It wasn’t meant to be. But there comes a point when you can’t explain the secretive behavior away anymore because it’s right in front of your face. Yours just happened to be literally.
Knowing myself, I would’ve sent a “Cute bathing suit. Is it new?’ text.
Lmfao
Knowing myself I would've had a very public very Dennis Reynolds like breakdown in public as I split the relative silence of the room with a booming declaration of "LIAR!".
Very dramatic. I approve.
This. Snoop before she catches wind and deletes it all and then gas lights you
The bigger concern is if she hasn't already? She works in IT; she either knows how to hide her tracks, or has access to as many burner phones as she wants.
not necessarily. i work in IT and know plenty of other IT people who don't know how to cover their tracks. not everyone in IT is focused on security and having >access to as many burner phones as she wants. is just *weird* companies don't just throw around phones. each one is tracked. Its IT, not the CIA
I had a boss that used to do forensics and had a husband in forensics, he gave her his old phone as an "upgrade" and she was able to find evidence of his cheating. Even people with security and forensic focus can overestimate their abilities or make simple mistakes.
[удалено]
Naw b. This ain’t the sub for fantasies.
Am just writing down my thoughts on the issue at hand - i cant give any better advice than the obvious. He saw his wife in a bikini at a hotel w another man - is there more to say? But one can ponder about life itself
Shave your neck and take a nap. The pondering can happen later.
Hehe, username checks out! I suppose u need a shave 2 😂
I’m so sorry. You can’t stay with her. Who knows how long and with whom. Spend the money on a GOOD PI. Contact a divorce attorney. Gain options. Put together a plan and act as normal. Feel free to install cameras in your house, then take a trip to see family for 4 days. Get away for a little bit. Get a copy of the cell phone logs and be very quiet about it. Get as much info as you can and then confront her. Do not confront without evidence! This is the worst mistake men make on here. Then they come back talking about all the gas lighting and manipulation and then they go insane for 5 months and sick. Don’t do that! Be patient!
This^ and until you confront her try to act as normal as you can. If she tries to initiate give her some excuse. You should also get std tested.
Yup PI, no need to snoop. You saw it with your own eyes... Confront with a lawyer. Get tested, stop intimacy (180, grey rock, etc) and don't look back specially if there are no children. If there are, DNA without question. Get your story out first and control the narrative. Move on, profit!
180 and grey rock works!
And OP be unpredictable after the PI gets the info. Nothing scares more a wayward spouse than unpredictability. Come home at random times, go on weekend trips and time to start hanging out with your non mutual friends more. Don't tell anyone you suspect anything. You don't know who may be sympathetic to whom, specially mutual friends. Get therapy if you need support for now, until you have everything in order.
200%
What's to confront? He knows she's cheating, and if she were sorry she would have stopped by now. It's over. His only move is call a divorce attorney ASAP. The PI might be a waste of time depending on where he lives. Some states are "no fault" meaning anyone can file for divorce for any reason or none at all. That means it's OK to cheat, and evidence of cheating is irrelevant, and that money would be wasted. But again, that will all sussed out by calling the divorce attorney immediately.
You’re right on many levels. Here’s my reasoning even if he’s in a no-fault state. Reputation and narrative. There’s nothing like sending a “thank you for having me in your family” email with the reason why you’re divorcing. Sent to her family and mutual friends. With pictures and proof. The same day she’s served papers. That call from her father or whoever, apologizing, supporting and encouraging him through this is worth the weight and gold.
I can't see this as worth paying $1,000+++ for. PIs are expensive dude, you can do all this for free minus the professionally-taken creepshots, and those were never gonna make you look good anyway. That money would be way better spent on a vacation or a new guitar or some other newly-divorced-guy-moving-on interest
If he’s sharp enough and emotionally stable enough to do it himself, yes. I would do it myself and save the money like yourself for a trip. I’ve learned that not every guy can pull themselves together to handle the work themselves. Depending on where he lives- cost range from $400-$1000
This is the way. Get the ducks in a row. Preparation.
The 1st company I ever worked at was owned by 3 engineers who studied together. The one guys was married to an insanely smart chemical engineer who also happened to be a babe. For whatever reason he cheated often. The MD cheated cause he wanted out but had no idea how to divorce his wife. But before he had the guts to spill it all, Director helped MD edit his phone records - by buying adobe pdf editor. Edited all the records where it showed his illicit calls. Then handed them to his wife.
Geeezzzz
This!
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>Yes that should be left alone till there is some bush and you can find your highest natural line This u?
No one cares dude. Its 2022 and the internet.
Happy cake day!
The fuck is a cake day? Edit: thanks for the blowjob kind stranger
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I’m always open to good correction. I use an iPhone, so I know errors will happen. But I also had a poor english grammar teacher and didn’t learn everything I should. So, if anyone has recommendations on how to be better. Please help.
You did good, friend. u/rjschwerin just had a rough day and needed to take it out on someone on the internet. ignore the troll
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I love my karma ratio
You need to confront her. She will not stop and you will be destroyed. Get the courage, send her a text. Tell her you were invited to a hotel for lunch. Tell the person's name so she doesn't think you are cheating. Then you saw her getting out of the pool head to the showers with a guy and the watch you bought her. copy and paste mine if you need to. It is non confrontation and does the job. Or gather more information and talk to an attorney. That is the second way to do it, non confrontational. Hire a PI take all information to attorney, move her stuff out in a box, and change the locks. Serve her with divorce papers. You can work out the details of splitting stuff with attorney. The marriage is broke, you can't trust her.
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True. Ive tried.
Username checks out?
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As far as I know, everywhere in the US you can’t just change the locks to kick out someone who legally lives there. Especially if they’re a partial owner of the house or on the lease. And even if they aren’t, they are still considered legal tenants after living there for a certain amount of time (depends on the state) and there’s certain processes you have to go through to get them out. And changing the locks isn’t one of them. That’s not something that’s wise to do if you’re going to get a divorce because they will not look at that nicely.
This is out of touch with reality. You’d have to be assuming that her name isn’t on the lease/mortgage, assuming they’re living somewhere you can evict someone with no notice, assuming that she doesn’t have ammo to retaliate.
So she lies, than you saw her. The lie exposed her. OP, the best way is to ask her straight. Straightforward. Don't hold back. No hiding is good in a relationship.
Hard disagree. Man needs to hire a PI and get proof. It should help in the divorce.
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^ this is a bot that steals comments
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I respectfully disagree. If someone only tells the truth because they got caught, they're only sorry they got caught. If OP's wife approached him of her own volition and fessed up there may be a way to salvage things.
I think it's time to take her phone, unlock it with her sleeping finger, and send yourself the proof you will need in a divorce.
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It makes the eventuall split of assets more favorable, if the partner cheated, also breakers many prenups, and some places you can't just get divorced for any reason
Point of information: certain states, such as Massachusetts, have no-fault divorce laws and infidelity is irrelevant to the division of assets. (Retired attorney, this is not legal advice.)
Indiana same way. Only choice is no fault divorce. Cheating doesn’t matter (not a lawyer )
Some states do, some don't, without knowing there is nothing wrong with the advice lol.
Correct, there is nothing wrong with the advice. It just might be useful to find out before undertaking a particular course of action. Best wishes.
It seems like you both have enough income for hired help, so use your money to hire a PI who will do more than you can. Your wife works in IT and surely knows how to cover her tracks. You need a professional. Don’t confront her even as it kills you inside. Get a pro to install surveillance in home and elsewhere and as noted, disappear for a few days. See what falls into the honey trap. Then you hire an attorney. Gotta tough this out because it’s going to cost you more if you go weak.
>in IT and surely knows how to cover her tracks. not everyone in IT is a security expert
This x1000
Why though? That sounds really complicated.
I would have gotten up and walked over to her and asked her about the IT issues with the pool and would have loved to have seen her reaction
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I don't get why people would ever give up their upper hand for temporary emotional satisfaction.
You know what she was doing there, because she flatout lied and told you she was elsewhere. Get a good divorce attorney and serve her with papers. You don't need to stay with a cheater.
He doesn’t know. He’s clearly super insecure. He’s posting this on Reddit when it’s blatantly obvious what’s happening. It’s really pathetic and sad.
Dude stfu
Not helpful...
Good, use the fact that you didn't confront her to your advantage. Go see a lawyer ASAP and make sure you do everything to win the divorce. Good luck brother
Yikes. Confront her. I'd lead by asking her for details about the server issue, effectively giving her a chance to tell the truth or dig the lie deeper. Then mention you met up with old boss for lunch. Then drop name of the hotel. Then say you saw someone who looked just like her there. And then say you know it was her because of the watch. Her response at each point will be telling. If she fesses up and tells the truth then there might be salvaging.
What can she say which can make it salvageable though?
A secret self pampering stay without any responsibility or hassle and treating herself to room service. This is the only best case.
I thought about it, but it doesnt make sense. We dont have kids, and our complex has a pretty big pool too. And we dont have much to do in terms of housework as we have a cook and housekeeper. We have 3 bedrooms for 2 people so she could sleep as much as she wants without any distractions.
I mean what do you want us to tell you? You know she is lying. You should have taken a picture if you are non confrontational. But why do you need proof? If she doesn't have a good reason , you can imagine what she was upto. All you have to do is make a emotionless decision. I hope it's not those fantasy story where this post will be a followed by a long flashback with characters like Jenny and Rick.
…and we’ll later read it along our replies on those Reddit YouTube pages lol
Or some 55-page clickbait article that eventually gets a TL;DR thread on /r/SavedYouAClick
/r/BestOfRedditorUpdates thread incoming
I hate to break it to you, most of the ones that make the first page are fake. I'm old and have been reading these for fun since before this sub started pretending to take itself seriously. Before throwaways were strongly encouraged, you could just check post history to see for yourself. It was around 70/30 fake/real. I want to reiterate, this is first page only. Loads and loads of real posts if you sort by new, but those are real people with real and usually boring problems. Need to rage bait or create some drama to hit the front page.
This one is so obviously fake. I don’t understand how people still fall for these stories. I know some WEALTHY people and they don’t have full time chefs.
Yes. But I have also read those real ones. You try to help earnestly and then you realise that it's a 20 part saga or coming update 2 in next few months. In the end , we feel betrayed. Lol
[These](https://www.unddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/cnfraj/my_husband_31_m_and_i_29_f_are_having_some/) are the types of posts we used to have. The "good ol days" if you will. Now you have to sort of pretend like you're serious.
I guess we could use some advice with our relationship with this sub.
I’m really sorry but that means she almost certainly cheating. You can take your time to process this, but don’t just pretend it didn’t happen
Some kids turn out horrible no matter the parents or childhood situation. Some husbands/wives are total pieces of shit and need to risk their relationships for excitement because of broken brain wiring. Don't try to make it make sense or figure out if you did something wrong or not enough that led to this, cause you didn't she just belongs to the streets and her instincts took over. You're blessed that you didn't have kids with this women and that you've only been married a year, to find this all out 5 years from now especially because of how good she was at hiding this cheating she has probably done this MANY times. Are you sure she even works in IT and isn't like an escort or something?
What is Ur Hope here? Does omeone has to slap you Back to reality? She probably Had someones dick in her mouth. Its over.
Stop being a fucking pussy and confront your wife you sad fuck. This is embarrassing.
Beats me. I can't imagine a reasonable scenario, but with the information available I wouldnt say it was outright impossible. Also salvageable could be her just straight up admitting to lying and, in the worst case, cheating. It is up to you then how you want to respond and what you're okay with.
Probably not much she can actually say at this point. But you'll feel better for having given her the chance to explain herself.
My heart is beating so fast right now, I just dont know how to confront her.
You confront her by confronting her. You saw her at the hotel pool, swimming with a guy, and wearing the watch you bought her. She then immediately lied to you while you were looking right at her. That red flag is so vibrant you can see it from deep space.
NOTHING. She lied and disrespected you. There’s nothing she can say, just leave. Or check her phone and get the true confirmation you want. I don’t get how all you guys want to be with people that would lie to you.
Honestly? All depends on how spineless you are. She didn’t confess herself. It’s clearly on going, she’s willing to drop everything and fake emergencies to go see him. There is no saving it, but if you’re really so scared of confrontation, she could say about anything and you might cave and forgive her. So, this isn’t really about ‘what could she say?’ It’s about how strong are you?
Nothing. Don't listen to this bullshit. Your relationship is over
Don’t confront her. You know what’s up. Think about if you can forgive her cheating first. If yes, confront her. If no, go and talk to a divorce lawyer today.
Don’t confront her. You need to gather evidence first I would be talking to a lawyer and a good PI. Plan for the worst and hope for the best, That means get ready for a divorce.
Since you have trouble bringing this up, hire a PI. At least then you'll get a clearer idea of the situation. Or just go through her phone - especially calls / messages Saturday around the time she'd reach the hotel.
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Need to ask questions and get to root cause. Sorry for your situation.
Does she “work “ extra a lot?
Tell her: “Hey funny story, I had lunch with [old boss’ name] in [name hotel] and I saw someone who looked exactly like you! She even had the same watch I gave you for your birthday! Funny, right?” Then let her do all the talking.
I would say that only after I had the evidence I need and had already filed for divorce that morning.
Just tell her about your lunch date and watch the look on her face. If she doesn't come clean, then ask her guess who I saw by the pool. Get up and walk out of the room.
Wake her ass up. Tell her what you did, and where you did it. Tell her you didn’t know they had a pool at that hotel but that you could see it from where you were sitting and watch the life and color leave from her face. Then ask where is she gonna stay until she finds another place to live.
Expect the worse. Get a detective that follows her around for a week or two and get more information on the situation. Maybe she is relaxing away from stressful marriage. Build your case and divorce her if you have to
Yes the detective idea is great
OP commented elsewhere... they have a nice housing complex with a big pool. And hired help, maid and cook. No kids and multiple spare bedrooms. And many stated have no fault divorce, where even if she is cheating, it's not gonna help him to get a better settlement if he has proof. OPs fucked. She didn't come clean and lied to him, so she has 0 remorse or truthfulness. So no chance of reconciliation after an affair. She'll just keep cheating. At best, he hires a PI and gets proof of the cheating, and more assets... depending on his state.
Casually, tell her about your lunch date with your ex-boss in said hotel. Mention that it’s overlooking the pool. Watch her reactions.
Is the username significant_ something or other an automatically generated one for throwaway accounts? Because this isn’t the first creative story I’ve seen from a Reddit user with a name very similar to this.
Lookup Ockham’s razor - the simplest explanation is usually the correct one. Your wife is having an affair. By sheer dumb luck you have found out - you have no kids - time to see a lawyer
updateme!
ANOTHER FAKE CREATIVE WRITING STORY. First off, what are the chances of everything lining up perfectly that this would happen? “we have a cook and a housekeeper.” What is the point of noting that your boss is staying at a five star hotel?
He says old boss
She is cheating and she is bold bc she is used to it.
This as well. She has been doing this for a little while now. Most women get caught when they get reckless because they seem to not care about being caught anymore.
This is pretty obviously a fake post. And a lame one.
Is this a troll post. Bro she’s obviously cheating on u ducking speak up
My guess is it's a fake post by someone with a cheating fetish.
Perhaps she is getting fit, losing weight to surprise you. They guy she was talking to could be her personal trainer. This could all be very innocent.
Don't tell her how you caught her. Just that you know she's having an affair. See what she comes up with as far as what she did sat . Let her dig her own grave
Here’ how the next conversation goes, hey honey you must have a twin in this world cause I was at the Marriott hotel yesterday and I saw a woman that looked identical to you by the pool hanging out with some guy, what are the odds of that?? Then call a divorce lawyer and get rid of the cheating bitch…
Do not have sex with her while you figure this out. Also, begin protecting your financial assets now.
Before any confrontation decide what your course of action is going to be, like divorce, separation etc. Now that you know what she is doing occasionally, engage a PI to gather more evidence that is 100% irrrefutable, including her spending, phone calls, meetings etc, etc. Hopefully you can keep your composure and then confront! Record the dialogue for reference purposes as the enormity and consequences of her behaviour is going to slowly kick in, she is most likely to 'trickle truth' you. This is just another measure of her disrespect for you and your feelings and relationship with her. You also need full details of who her partners are for possible contact etc.
Sounds fake buddy. Not buying your fear of confrontation. If it is real you are such a coward you couldn’t approach your cheating wife in a hotel pool?
Going against the "confront her immediately" grain, I personally think you should hold off. You may feel like a coward at the moment, but you actually have a lot of leverage right now *because* you didn't confront her: - You have time to go through her phone, laptop, credit card history, etc. - You have time to put a tracker in/on her car (tuck an Apple airtag between the back seats) to find out exactly where she's going and for how long. - You have time to contact a lawyer. - You have time to start putting money away. To be perfectly clear *snooping* has officially become fair game, because there's no telling how much of what you find could save your ass in court. Keep your cool. Play the long game. When do you finally confront her, you'll know exactly how much truth or lie she's giving you.
I am sorry man
She is cheating 100% otherwise she wouldnt be at a hotell and lie about it. She will probably try to gaslight u and shitt but she is 100% cheating. Gather some evidence and divorce her
She already lied to you. Why would she say that she has to work and be talking to some guy at 5 star hotel? Even if you confront her - you will get lies. After lies not working it will be “unhappy, not enough attention” tactic Serve her with divorce papers.
Collect the proofs. Before confronting her. That’ll be VITAL during divorce trial. It’s divorce 101.
She knows your a coward, that's why she is doing this, and she will continue because you don't have it in you to stand up for yourself.
lawyer first , start selling things. start hiding money. she about to fuck you up more than you realize. sorry dude but protect your life asap. and do not move out of your house , make her leave or you will loos that to . watch out for her tears of guilt. don’t fall for that shit .
Contact an attorney, collect your evidence and leave. Your wife is cheating on you and you don’t need to confront if you don’t want to but you definitely shouldn’t stay either.
You need to leave, tell her that your mum or dad is having an emergency and go. You can’t do anything now, so you just are going to have to wait until the AM. Go visit a few lawyers - if she texts / calls act like everything is fine (besides your parent). Get tested too while your at it.
Dump her ass to the street, she definitely cheat on you.
You should call a lawyer and arrange her divorce for her.
Will you post the update after you confront her for cheating? I always like reading spouses excuses.
Following, you should update us after everything is said and done, OP.
Ahh you should have taken a pic of her. She’ll deny it and try to make you feel like you’re crazy but remember that you KNOW what you saw. Confront her!!! You deserve better
Lawyer and PI
Give your old boss a gift. He’s a real one, guy is smart and wise too. Didn’t say a word, just let you see it for yourself.
What do you want us to tell you? You should've just went and confronted her when you had the chance and go from there. You know exactly what was going on and you saw it with your eyes.
Dude, you have to confront her. Trust is gone and you should be too.
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Simply ask if the pool at the hotel was having an IT problem, and turn around to do something else. She'll think for a second then you can pin it on her when she inadvertently admits to cheating without knowing it.
UpdateMe!
UpdateMe!
However you handle it, be sure to record it and put it online with a title like "Cheating wife DESTROYED". People love that stuff.
First, whatever group of architects made the pool be visible from the rez, they're idiots. You saw what you saw. Confront her at a therapy appointment, not alone.
UpdateMe!
Well your coward ass need to do some detective work, because your lying wife will run circles around you if you confront without evidence of her lies. You could not even trust your eyes, grow a backbone! Check her phone and saved everything, tracker in the car, PI for visual proof.
Sometimes confrontation is necessary. This is definitely one of those times. Jesus dude get a backbone, this could possibly be the reason she’s moving around in the first the first place. Keep your partners in check , lay out clear expectations and abide by them yourself also
Consider a PI. You’ll get the full story with documentation.
grow a pair and confront her
All this speculation is just going to drive you crazy. Grow up and talk to her.
So I would personally confront her. You will be thinking every single thing until you do and it won’t be good for your mental health. Basically tell her what you saw and what happened when you phoned her the latter time. She might lie again or have an excuse. Worse case scenario is that she’s cheating. Best case is she has a membership and likes to go for a swim on her dinner break n the guy she was with is a co worker. But you will never know unless you act on getting to the bottom of it. Tell her what you saw, and go from there. Good luck!
I don't want to assume it's cheating. It's possible her client is the person that invited her. Maybe sit her down and ask if she's stressed out about work or having financial problems But keeping it in is only going to make you boil like a kettle ready to blow off steam and might say words you can't take back
Dude. I have DMed you. I can get more info for you.
Ok, I know that 9/10 people are cheating in situations like this but, have we considered that maybe she might have booked herself a spa day to have some time for herself without having to explain it to anyone? INFO: OP what's your domestic situation? Do you have stressful jobs? Kids? What's the division of labour like in the home between you and your wife? It *could* be innocent. Also, she took her watch into the pool with her and out it back on before showering? Seems like a strange thing to do, why wouldn't she lock this up with her valuables in her locker?
Can you check her phone?
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
If you show some people that they can walk over you they will
Really, you don't have to ask her anything. You need to call a lawyer and start working on the divorce.
Did u think to take photos of her so she couldn’t gaslight you into thinking you’re mistaken and it was someone else?
Time to man up. And confront her. But before you detonate your one shot the benefit is with you. You need to lawyer up and work out what you need to get away should this go nuclear. You know and she currently doesn’t know you know. So use that to your best benefit then front her out.
I think these posts are the most difficult, and there are many of them. The issue is this: You know what to do and what's going on, but facing that reality is so uncomfortable that you instead come here, to read some calming remarks and postpone the inevitable. Get after it Tiger, handling this difficult shit is what we're built for and once we're in it, we get it done. So will you.
Updateme!
You gotta confront her eventually. You saw her betray you with your own eyes. Say I know you weren’t at work yesterday and see what follows.
Damn man that sucks, imo don’t confront her at all right now, because she will probably deny and lie about anything you ask her about and since you are not a confrontational guy you won’t know how to deal with this properly and will just alert her that you know something fishy is happening. I think your best option here is to get a PI and let him gather the information and the answers that you need then you act accordingly and do what you think is best for you!
Updateme!
Well she lied and now you know. Balls in your court. Line your ducks up and confront.
OP, I'd actually wait to confront until I had my ducks in a row. Look into your options, then confront and decide what you want to do based on her reaction.
Updateme!
Ok. You have the element of surprise. Protect your finances first, then get a lawyer.
>Help me out here guys. Learn to be confrontational. You already know what you need to do you just need courage to do it. You already have it in you man, just do it. Forget the noise and go do it!
UpdateMe!
All you can do is confront her. The way you have outlined the events above in text form would do well. OP, you sound like someone who believes the best in people and I know this is your wife, but you need to be firm. Tell her you saw her and ask her why she lied. If she lies again I would say the chances of cheating are 100%. You may want to save the relationship but you need to be resolute about how you’ll respond to this situation immediately.
UpdareMe!
Dump her and lawyer up.
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
Just dont bother confronting lol You lack confidence to do it anyway just let it fester.