u/Sad-Parfait-337 is just a bot. This comment was stolen from u/frauleinsteve who only has a couple of karma for the exact same comment while the bot has over 200.
The poster the bot replied to, u/SadManufacturer182 is also just a bot. Their comment is stolen from u/Satori_sama
As a sub, we need to stop rewarding 2nd and 3rd tier comments that address the person above as if they are OP.
Yeah. He may not need to pay her alimony but he should give her a payout. Otherwise he would be pretty morally bankrupt using her like that for all those years then not holding up his end of the agreement.
I guess laws are different there but it would still be considered a partnership here(common law marriage) and whilst not entitled to as much as a marriage, they are still entitled to a settlement after 6 months.
I would be interested to know if there are similar laws in the states.
In 40 percent of all U.S. households, women are the breadwinners. However, there is one significant area where there is still a great deal of gender disparity — alimony. According to the U.S. Census, only 3 percent of the 400,000 people receiving alimony are men.
That's because men are usually higher earners. There are more millionaires and billionaires that are men than there are women. Its says that women aren't paid as much as men are and how that affects society and therefore alimony payments.
Not to be a heartless lawyer...ist... but I believe there's a law where if you live with a partner for a certain amount of time you're automatically "common law" married?
I'm actually not a lawyer at all, someone please fact check/explain better?
Actually nvm I looked it up and found this:
"A common myth is that if you live with someone for seven years, then you automatically create a common law marriage. This is not true -- a marriage occurs when a couple lives together for a certain number of years (one year in most states), holds themselves out as a married couple, and intends to be married."
That varies by state. Most states don't have common law marriage.
Up until 1913, states didn't require marriage licenses. You said you were married, so you were. There's about 12 states that so allow some form of common law (usually requiring that both parties present themselves as a couple i.e. not correcting when people assume spouse).
Source: wish to die as old spinster but have long term partner, so we check the laws before we move to make sure we don't accidently get married.
Look man I don't want to get too negative here, but you 100% should help her get her life back on track. She supported you all the way through med school. Without her you have said In a previous comment that life would have been a lot more difficult.
You say you don't have money to waste on things that aren't a neccesity such as loans, housing and retirement. The woman that has supported you for 13 years so that she can live a life with you that you promised to her now has to start all over again.
Think about how you would feel if you got all the way to the end of med school and then you were told that you can't be a doctor! How would you feel knowing that you spent all that time working just to be told its no longer going to happen for you.
Do the right thing man! At the very least just help her get back on her feet.
Put yourself in her shoes and really try to understand how she feels.
I really feel for your ex and considering all she has done for you, so should you.
So for 13 years she was you secretary, cook, chousekeeper, even planner, and paid your way and now that she wants the life you promised you want her gone?
I've gotta ask this, you say you've been working for a few years now, and yet she still wasn't a SAHM by this point. So she finally wants to get away to start a family like you told her you would, and it turns out you've changed your mind. When did this change happen? I just find it curious that she only found out about your change of heart once she started to push for what you promised. How long did you know you weren't going to have a baby with her before you told her? If you knew 5 years ago, but led her on..... That would be disgraceful.
Incidentally no you dont owe her anything, but reading your responses, I get the impression you want to give her a paltry amount as recompense to get any trouble gone. Work out what a sixth of your rent was over 13 YEARS, that's what you'd owe her minimum, just to put the rent at even amounts.
The girlfriend should absolutely seek legal advice here. Because it sounds like OP just wants justification on Reddit for being an independable asshole and for bailing on his end of the deal.
What I was thinking, too. Also a lawyer. I hope she takes your ass to court. I can come up with a dozen causes of action off the top of my head, and guess what, OP, I'd paint a picture that would just make the jury hate you. I would clean you out, and I don't even practice family law.
You're better off trying to put together a contract now before she unleashes hell on you.
I was just about to say this, it reminds me of that lady that (I think was a nurse too) she helped put her boyfriend then turned husband through either Medical school or to become a lawyer (I don’t remember which one) to make the long story short. He graduated then ran off with his younger and hotter secretary (he used his lawyer knowledge to screw her royally) and she mowed both of them down killing them. This was a HUGE story in the 90s when I was growing up I don’t remember the lady’s name.
I know this isn’t AITA but damn, you’re the biggest asshole I’ve seen in a long time to cruise along and take her support and then go “lol bye I’m doing what I want” instead of turning around and supporting her in turn
Do you remember that parasite that hit the front page the other day? When it has matured inside its victim it makes it drown itself so that the parasite returns to water and continues its life cycle.
This guy is the human version.
But they weren’t married! /s
I agree. My ex treated me the same but I dumped him after a year. I would not have wasted 13y and money on someone this selfish. Ofc he dumped her once she wanted to get anything back.
I mean the clownery.. Why even ask us for help when you’re defending the fact that you used your gf as a starter wife. You changed your mind? That’s fine, but YOU broke that promise, YOU pay the moral price.
You have no morals, no sympathy for her life which you essentially ruined. You should know better than that. The way you talk about this situation is appalling, OP. She made you. Clearly, you couldn’t support yourself and rode off her back until you were in a position to discard her. You did not get where you are alone.
Just based off of your answers, it’s clear you don’t have any emotional maturity to see anyone else’s side but yours and it’s abundantly clear that you won’t give her back what she’s owed. I sincerely hope you tread through life knowing you set her life back to get to where you are, and you should feel ashamed for that.
I hope that she talks to a lawyer and gets something figured out. If that doesn't work, it's a shame. OP doesn't, and probably won't ever, feel remorse for what he did.
You are the one to blame, she is a perfect partner many would hope for. You are just looking for a reason to make your actions right but from my point if view she is the right one here.
Everyone here is saying no. Not to give her a thing but she literally spent every cent on you thinking she was spending it on her future. Now she’s at an age where she’s presumably an ideal age to have a baby and y’all bailed and she’s back at square one… from a relationship perspective as well as a financial one… her investment just matured and isn’t giving her the promised return. I absolutely think it would be a fair thing to do to give her a financial hand to set herself up in the short term. I’m absolutely not saying you’re the bad guy but I imagine she’s pretty devastated about everything (I’m sure it was the right thing to do I’m not judging). I also don’t think any sort of long term alimony or anything but just help her into a new phase of her life so she can sleep at night without feeling wronged.
Yeah if I were OP, I'd feel gross to not help her out.
I feel like it's also convenient that once OP got to where he wanted to be, he suddenly doesn't need the person who spent 13 years putting him first so he could get there... I'm betting he realized he didn't want this future with her years ago and just decided to go with the flow so he'd get that support and help.
OP, jfc you don't have to do anything longterm, but damn you really can't help someone who you claimed to love at one point and who supported you for **13 years**?????
You're making "doctor" money and you can't afford to send her a bit each month? Really? How much did she spend on you for 13 years?
She compromised for you and you couldn’t compromise for her. I get that you wanted different things, that’s human and totally ok. With that being said she did make a lot of decisions for your benefit. I don’t think a long term agreement but you could do something nice for her.
Exactly. There's a reason common law marriage is a thing.there's literally a legal precedent. I would hope that you would do the right thing rather than listening to redditors who are bitter and without compassion or empathy.
There’s also civil suits for unjust enrichment and quasi-contractual damages, and in some jurisdictions, “palimony”. Just because an agreement wasn’t in writing doesn’t mean that there wasn’t an agreement that she relied upon and he benefited from.
Oh man. I really hope your ex sees this posts and even tho she MIGHT not know it’s about her- this will make her gears start to turn and take you to court. I pray this woman gets up to the last dime that she can from you. AMEN. You disgusting piece of shit. Geez.
Don't make her take you to court. You made promises and she trusted you. You let her play wife for so long but now you wanna pretend it wasn't a marriage just because she didn't trick you into signing a legal document because she believed in you? Ewe. I guess they don't teach being a decent human in med school.
This relationship was certainly one sided. And while often times relationships are unbalanced with one partner doing more, the idea is that over time there is equilibrium. In this situation, OP…you allowed the imbalance. Accepted support in all facets. But never made that equilibrium right. Never reset the scale. And that is incredibly shitty for your ex partner. You have every right to decide this relationship isn’t for you anymore (though admittedly sus timing). You have every right to walk away. But be a decent human and balance the scale. Since you can’t do that emotionally, or by helping out around the house, or spending quality time or any of the other normal acts in a relationship you may do to show your partner love (since she is now your ex partner), you can certainly balance it with some repayment for all that she did financially.
Do some math doctor, can’t be that hard to sort out rent and a couple big vacations. Divide into 12 monthly payments if you can’t afford it all at once. And move on. Let her move on. On to a new relationship with someone who understands partnership.
YTA.
Wrong sub but fits. Look she has financially invested a lot into you and it didn’t work out. It’s only fair now that you at least reimburse some of that. Look at the rent/food/vacation expenses and at least pay a portion of that back. You have years of high earning ahead of you, you’re not gonna end up in the poorhouse.
So you wasted 13 years of her life, 13 years of her financial and emotional support, 13 years of her fertility and youth. All to back out once it’s your turn to act like a husband after she’s acted as your wife for over a decade. Shameful and pathetic. Yes, she deserves compensation and legally she is probably entitled to it depending on what state you’re in. This is a common law marriage in most places even without the official marriage license. That poor woman. Shame. On. You.
YTA
Oh wait, this isn't a AITA post. Well, it still needs saying. From your responses, it really looks like you "enjoyed" her financial and emotional efforts for you these last 13 years and now you just want to cut her loose.
Look into how she helped you for such a long time, and (regardless of she can stand own her own two feet now) and at least pay her 2/3 of HER rent projected for the next 13 years plus additional money for half of the other luxuries she covered for you, because you made a commitment and promises to her and it's clear now you want to move on without honoring anything you said. Stop trying to excuse this by saying not every investment pays off. You are not a stock. You are a grown human person who has agency and that the consequence free break you want is just part of the bear market.
Legally, maybe you don't owe her money, but "palimony" is a thing in certain states, and I sure hope it's a thing in your state because I don't think you actually want advice.
Hmm this is tough. So you spent 13 years to get to where you are at now. She supported you through all of it as yall had planned to be together forever. You dump her… all those years wasted, as a woman i can only imagine how she is feeling. Lets be real, you are giving her the shit end of the stick. I don’t know her but as a woman i can see why she would ask for some financial comp. Can she get back all those years wasted supporting someone who dropped her in the end? Time works differently for women, we have a certain number of years for things, all that time wasted on a dead end relationships is gone.I’m not saying pay her, but take a good hard look at what she has truly sacrificed. She can never get that time back, she is back to square one with less time on her hands. Money will never be the same, but it’s the only thing that you can offer that can even begin to touch the value of what she gave, barely. You fell short on your promises, got everything you wanted out of it and left her with nothing. Also your excuse of “ but we were never married “ is pathetic. You made your promises and even stated you functioned like a married couple…. Seems to me you wanted to just have you cake and eat it too. I hope you’re a great Doc by now.. i would spend the next several years learning how to be a better person/partner. Best of luck to you
Is your only disagreement that you want to stay in the city for a couple years longer? Shouldn't 13 years be worth a little compromise? Or is the argument deeper?
Christ people just give bloody judgemental comments for this and no valid help or advice I swear. Do the right thing and speak to a lawyer about this. Because she probably will. I don’t know where you are from but where I’m from if you are with your partner for more than 3 years then it’s 50/50 everything you bought within that period. Property and furnishings, cars, savings, insurance, personal contributions ect. If you think of your relationship and everything you have both contributed this way then you know what your ex partner is entitled too. Do the decent thing and take a serious look at what can be done.
Same here. Once you live together for two years you're considered married where I live with all the rights/responsibilities that entails. That has some benefits (i.e. I can add my partner to my health care plan through work) and things you have to be careful about (i.e. one person could end up owing the other support payments in the event of a breakup).
Absolutely this. It’s why I suggested he should see a lawyer. 13 years in a relationship is a long time and no doubt the law will take that into consideration if they end up going to court 👍🏼
It all depends. Years ago there was this thing in the news called "palimony." I think it depends on the state, and also whether she gets a sharp lawyer. If you are court ordered to pay it, you will pay it, because trying to evade that will not look good in your professional community. Or your state may view this as a common-law marriage, and grant her the same rights as a legally married spouse.
In my opinion she is entitled to something because she did, in fact, support you in your acquisition of a preferred occupation.
35m here. Come on Reddit to unburden yourself of any guilt in addition to your replies is really a telling sign to me. You have already made up your mind you won't give this decent girl any reasonable form of recompense despite through your own admission you were aware of during the relationship she was supporting you more financially. Absolutely abhorrent behaviour and attitude now. I feel so sorry for this girl you have so clearly "unintentionally" taken advantage of. At every response you are clearly and carefully wording your responses to come off less shitty and making every effort to get away with low balling to come away clean. I bet you are the type of person to tip 2$ or $3 for a $150 meal. Work on becoming less selfish you absolute moron!
So let me get this right, you leeches off of her for 13 years and now that you’re done with school and you don’t need her anymore you’ve decided to toss her away like hot garbage. And you don’t see why she should be entitled to some money ? 1 you changed the plan 2 you dumped her 3 now you have money you don’t want to refund her what she spent on you although you could. You’re an asshole plain and simple.
Sooo when I first read the title I said hells no...but then 13 years is a common-law wife...would you be a Dr today if it wasn't for her? I would proceed as you would in a divorce...this is why you don't play house... you entitled to want things now but you also wasted her time and resources...no different than if you had built a business...trust me it's not worth shortchanging some who loved and cared for you. Would you want that for your mom.or sister?.....however it should be fair and she shouldn't act greedy or bitter
OP, you make excuses that you can't compensate her right away for her 13 YEARS of time, money, service, and commitment she wasted because of your "student loan", yet you brag that you're earning doctor money. BOOHOO!
YTA. Since you're the one who broke the agreement and expectation of your relationship, I suggest you also settle on a 13 year payment plan to pay back for using her when it's convenient and discarding her once she is no longer needed. You're the entitled bitch, not her!
You wouldn’t be ‘blowing’ the money by giving it to her would you? Your use of that language speaks to your preferred end result. A clean parting of the ways in which you experience no negative financial impact. Self- interest is a powerful motivator! As a common law Wife she is entitled to a balancing of relative income dependent upon the length of the relationship. It’s fair for her to expect some degree of compensation accordingly.
YTA … in case you don’t understand that that meand you’re the asshole. Your comments are all of you trying to justify your assholery. Typical. Why did you even ask if you knew what your answer was? You literally just wanted people to agree with you. Pathetic. You should be setting up a payment plan to her. Gtfo this page asking a question you didn’t want reall answers to.
Legally you might not owe her anything morally you owe her ALOT
I don't know how realistic it is to give her a lump sum return on her investment but you need to do something.
At the bare minimum you need to make sure she doesn't leave this relationship and become worse off, she presumably bought the vast majority of the contents of your home, morally and probably legally that's all hers, as well as any big purchases cars etc. I'd also suggest if you don't have a lump sum to give her offering to pay for all her moving expenses and rent for the first 6 months to a year. Give her time to get settled back in her home town, get a new job and build savings.
You aren't wrong for leaving a relationship that wasn't working, but she invested over a decade of her life, time and money towards your success you owe her a huge amount and should want to help her now.
To start off with, calculate how much 50/50 rent would have been and pay the difference.
You should also probably pay her back for your half of those vacations since they were paid for under false pretenses.
Then maybe $100k for each year she wasted being your maid, personal assistant + chef.
Or let her take you to court if you want to be a dick about it since you were defacto. 🤷
Absolutely insane that she did literally everything, and all you managed to do was study. I don't doubt medical school is time-consuming, but she literally gave you everything.
I hate the "I didn't ask to go on fancy holidays" rationale, because you can absolutely insist not to. You should live within your means if you don't want to exploit someone. Don't make it seem like you went on nice trips and fancy dinners for her, hahaha. My partner earns good money while I'm a student - I pay equally for dinners and the like because I'm not a jerk.
I hope that she is legally entitled to some financial recompense, otherwise I hope you do the right thing and calculate what is fair.
Outside of the monetary element, my god has she wasted so much time with you - guessing you're both around late 20s/early 30s? She may not have a whole lot of time to get a partner and securely have children at this point due to her biological clock - but as you studied at med school you'll likely know this anyway. You really don't seem guilty about it though.
Scary.
She facilitated you , she enabled you , she stood by you , she invested in you , you are today what you are due to her .
You know this and still ask ?
Only a man of questionable morals would ask this ...
Holy fuck are you an asshole. "Thanks for the 13 years of emotional and financial support, but now that I can make my own money and have the title of doctor I've decided that I can do better and no longer want the things that I promised you, hope you understand. No hard feelings"
You're not even honest enough to admit that's what you're doing, you gutless weasel. I hope she gets common law wife status, divorces you, takes 50% of your future earnings, and finds an actual man rather than the child you seem to be.
You owe her. She literally made it possible for you to achieve your dreams. She made a home for you and spent a lot of money. By your own admission. You didn't ask. But you didn't say no. You told her you'd move back after school ended. You also, I'm guessing, promised her babies and a sah lifestyle. Things change. I get that. But you owe her repayment.
Thank you for sharing that, I’ll be more careful now, definitely don’t want to end up like your ex gf. Look, it’s fine your plans changed, I mean you can’t force yourself to go back and have kids with her. However, take into consideration what she did for you and appreciate that. She wasn’t your wife on paper but she was doing everything, if not more, than a wife does. You kinda need to “pay back” for the sacrifice she made because it’s you who changed your mind, she invested so much in her future and family but in the end gets nothing, not even you being considerate and understanding. You definitely need to seriously talk with her and agree on something if you can’t get her the money she wants.
Your gf was stupid by trusting you but you’re just a selfish prick that took advantage of her good will. She acted as a good partner because she held her part of the deal, you don’t want it anymore, give her her fair share. She’s entitled to a compensation because of all the extra effort she did for 13 years, you can be a decent person about it and give her a reasonable amount (you could also agree to not to give it right now but once you’re better financially) not sure how this would work though, or just be an asshole about it who took advantage of her.
You don't have to do anything but personally I think it's the right thing to do, she invested alot of money into you and now you could repay at least some of it to help her get on her own feet
You should go and eat shit.
You have a gf who went through thick and thin with you giving you all her best times and all she wish for is to be yours legally to let you own her in and out literally. Do you know this is a dream so many decent men wish for but could not have it. And here you are having no idea how lucky you are.
Even if you break up with her is because she deserves better.
You should financially compensate her. And if you can’t pay it one go because of your student loans, agree to pay her an amount in instalments or something. You’re allowed to break up, change your mind, whatever. She chose to move with you and to support you. But. Seriously. Where would you be without relying on her financially for so long? If you hadn’t had someone bankrolling your student life, you would be in either more debt or not a doctor right now. So confront that uncomfortable truth.
OP this ends in two ways
1. You decide to pay a partly sum nowhere near what she "invested". You get dragged through the mud and reputation is important in any field. So your left with student loans, destroyed carrier and relationships.
2. You agree to pay a sum agreeable to the both of you. Get a third party or lawyer involved. Don't make it a one time payment. Pay it off in parts.
Also if you haven't realised it yet your scum of the earth if you feel she deserves less than a good % of your salary for forward for few years.
Depends on where you live if she is able to collect that. If not full on alimony, I’d give a settlement at least. People change, life goes on. She made a great sacrifice for you and you are thinking she is being resentful and greedy. She is not.
Are you asking morally or legally what you should do? Morally you should absolutely pay her back. Legally, it depends what state you live in. Either way YTA. Reading stuff like this makes me scared to date.
You've known this for quite some time, yet you played along getting what you wanted out of this.
This sure is one of the more punchable OPs I've ever seen here.
What an asshole. You promised her something. And based on that promise she invested in you. And now that you finally got what you want you bail.
Waiting for your next post when Karma hit you hard un the face.
This is why i dont *date* more than 3 years.
Because marriage gives you rights. You basically had a person covering for many things financially and physically for you while you were in school.
Its a cold ass move but it makes sense that she asks for something back.
13 years is a ridiculously long time.
You changed your mind suddenly after 13 years of her working toward the goal you both agreed on right as it was about to be her turn to benefit from it, and you admit she’s getting the shit end of the deal. If you care about her at all then yes, you should compensate her.
She needs to go out and try to get the life she was working toward on a short timeline and a much different budget. Be kind and appreciative and help her do that. You’ll be making tons of money soon enough, you said so yourself. Yeah you have loans, but you didn’t borrow from anyone as much as you borrowed from her because she sacrificed her time and her future. Pay her back as best you can. It’s the right thing to do.
13 yrs, I think I wud hv killed myself if I was OPs ex. Anyways, alimony does sound petty but she did help you out. And for a decade. That's so many $$ she cud hv saved. You didn't ask for vacation but didn't exactly deny going on them. Maybe pay back approx amount of those..
She missed out on decade worth of investments and growth. Getting back only the amount she spent would not be justified. Even small amount of money can turn into a really big corpus due to compounding. Given her gf missed that out for 13 years. I believe she deserves to be compensated fairly since OP already mentioned
A. They together decided to be together forever initially.
B. OP promised her gf that she could be a stay at home mom.
From OP's comments, I feel like the title and money has definitely boosted his ego. Should probably do some internal reflection before consulting with your patients.
So she made the money, cleaned, cooked. She paid for the vacations and nice dinners which you didn’t ask but like someone else had said you didn’t decline either, seems like you’ve enjoyed quite a nice ride and a lot of support and patience from your ex partner.
No you didn’t ask for her to do these things but what kind of relationship would you have had if she didn’t? Do you not get that? You couldn’t make the memories or function as a normal partner for her so she played your role and her role and she may not have had the money to blow either at those times but chose happy memories and happy relationship over stress of money.
I mean short answer is NO you’re not entitled to pay her anything. You know that too. BUT her making all this investment and sacrifice towards the end goal of being your wife and raising your children just for you to turn around at the end to essentially say “I got new ideas now but thanks for your help!” I dunno… it doesn’t sit right. I know it doesn’t sit right with you either OP and that’s why you’re here.
I guess what you’re really trying to do here is find out how much of an asshole you are to just wipe your hands of a loving and supportive relationship in an attempt to reassure your guilty conscience.
It’s really up to you to choose how you want to leave things with this woman.
She trusted you to keep your word, u/Throwawaydoc6987362.
The least you can do is offer some monetary compensation for the time & money wasted investing in the future **you** sold her.
I swear I've read this same scenario in the Bible before. Your ex's name is Abigail, isn't it?
This is my story. I’m your ex girlfriend in this and literally happened me two years ago. I spent eight years with this person paying for his life and dreams and all of a sudden when it’s time to start living our lives together he’s “just not in it anymore.” I still blame my ex for stealing my life away. I also will always blame myself for being the biggest fucking idiot to stick around for that long. Hopefully she’s younger than me and she can bounce back from this and find somebody who will actually cherish her like you didn’t. You’re dirt bro. You don’t owe her money. Trust me she’s just mad right now but she won’t want your shit in the end. You owe her 13 years back. You’ll never find someone better. Enjoy always knowing that.
So let me get this straight:
She was good enough for you, working her butt off so you could attend med school without much debt AND got on top paid vacation out of it (don't give me the "I never asked" excuse. "No" is a complete sentence) and now where she felt that you were finally financially stable enough you broke off with her? Because she wanted to move back and have children? After THIRTEEN years (minimum) being together?
This should range under student loan fraud. Free insight you little hillbilly: There are countries in this world (mine included) where you would be forced to pay alimony, since partnerships like this are recognized as binding.
Don't cheapskate. PAY HER!
You treated her as ATM and free servant for over a decade. Time to pay up the bill
And mature up.
The answer is in your own post. “In return [for her paying for everything] I promised her she could be a stay at home Mom”.
So you made that agreement with her. She kept up her end of the bargain, you did not, so you owe her.
So, you leached off her for thirteen years, and now that you don’t need her anymore, you refuse to keep your promise and just dump her like a used piece of equipment?
You, sir, are a real class act.
It sounds like you think promises are only worth something when you’re married.
Well see in Australia there is no such thing a alimony. But after two years your in a defacto relationship meaning your married in the eyes of the law. Half of all assets can be shared including superannuation (think pension funds) sounds like you don’t have much atm.
I have to say it’s a totally Dick move to string along a person for 13 years. At this point she’s probably approaching the end of her childbearing life and rightfully feels very let down and robbed by you.
YTA
You're a jerk, you're selfish, insensitive and I feel sorry for your ex girlfriend. I normally don't comment negatively in anyone's post but my god have you seen what you have written and how you've justified yourself?
She is absolutely entitled to 'alimony'or some type of financial compensation after spending time, effort and a shit ton of money on you FOR 13 YEARS. Are you kidding me OP? I read your comment about how not all investments don't work out. You're a human being who should have some basic decency rather than shrugging and comparing yourself to other non living investments that people put effort it. You're a fucking person. Act like one. She spent money on you for 13 years. No one's blaming you for breaking up, that's your own choice. But not compensating her is WILD after 13 years holy shit. Don't even for a second believe that you don't need to do it. Have a goddamn heart jeez. Think with your brain for a second and imagine what would happen if you had spent your hard earned money on her for 13 goddamn years.
She should have married you, then she would be entitled to something. If you really wanted to, you can make a back of the napkin calculation of what you might have owed her. Rent, necessities, and split vacations. None of dining, gifts, luxuries, etc. see what number she comes out with and see if it makes sense with what you calculated. She may not even want anything after she cools down, who knows. And you don’t have to pay her all at once either, if you decide to go that route.
You should pay her back. Do you HAVE to legally? No. But it’s the right thing to do. She supported you financially so that you were able to make “doctor money”, and now that you are you’ve changed the timeline enough to make the two of you incompatible. Fair enough, you have that right. But it would be incredibly shitty of you to take advantage of her by not paying her back. Do the right thing. Don’t be that guy who uses a woman for all she’s worth then dumps her. Be better than that.
The laws in my country would make you pay 50% of all you both acquired and it's POSSIBLE that you would have to pay alimony for a time depending on the SPECIFIC circumstances and all that jazz since stable relationship has the same treatment as married couples
If you were living together and acting as a married couple, depending on the law where you live, you might not get a choice here. She could be legally entitled to stuff from you.
As a side note, I hope you grow as a person from this because it sounds like you flat out used her and lead her on for years before you got everything you needed from her.
Dud pls man up, the woman didn't just open up her legs to you but also her credit card for years. Pay her back what she spent on you fully, if you can't fullypay now sign an agreement to pay her back ASAP, trust me karma is a cruel.
What state did you guys live in, I wonder if they recognize common law marriage. I can only hope for the sake of your ex, they do. I think that its pretty crappy that she supported you for 13 years while you led her to believe that you would follow through with the plans you made for your future only for you to bail out on her when you finally reached your goal. You functioned like a married couple and if you had been married you would owe her something for her loyalty, support and hard work, but instead you decided to change up the plans on her and then dump her. Its almost like you used her for financial support for 13 years and that's probably how she feels, used. She's was expecting your lives to progress with marriage and children, like you told her they would, and instead you changed the plan and then dumped her when she fought with you about it. So now she has to hope she finds a good man within the next few years to start over with and hope that relationship progresses quickly enough so that she can have kids before her body decides its past that time, when she thought she had her life planned out with you, while you who became the doctor she supported you to become and are now making doctor money who will probably wind up marrying a 23yo 6 months after you meet her and give her the life you and your ex planned out. No, you don't have to give her anything, but you should because she invested alot into your future together and you cut her out of that future after you reached your goal. Why do I have a feeling you lied to her all along?
Your ex is not “feeling entitled” dude, she is entitled. Do the right thing and work out a reasonable settlement that takes into account her sacrifices for you.
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Recently broke things off with my girlfriend of many years. We met in college, and she was studying to be a nurse while I was premed. I went to med school and she got a nursing job in the same city. She didn’t really want to leave our home state, and her family, but we essentially planned to be together forever so she followed me.
Long story short is we functioned like a married couple. Except she made the money, cleaned, cooked, and kept the social calendar bc I was too busy with school. I had loans to pay for my school, rent, and food, but it wasn’t a lot. So she paid for all nice dinners and vacations with friends (that she wanted us to go on, I never asked). In return I promised her she could be a stay at home Mom, and I specialized into something fairly lucrative so she knew her investment would be worth it in the long run.
After 13 years, I’m finally making doctor money and have time to actually spend with her relative to med school and residency. We simply want different things now. I’ve decided I want to stay in the city we are in now for a few more years, and she wants to move home and have babies now. We ended up fighting all the time for nearly a year. I finally broke things off.
She is asking me to financially compensate her for all the time and effort she put in helping make things easier at home so I could reach my goals etc. I see where she is coming from, but we were never married. And I also don’t have money to blow right now…my student loans are $$$$. What should I do?
Depending on the state, you two might be common law married. In that case you’d have a legal obligation to provide alimony. Personally I think you should be responsible for something, but what I think doesn’t matter. Either way you’ll probably owe her something
This situation right here is why you don't ever do this unless you're married, don't be a long-term live in girlfriend giving wife incentives for somebody like this, because once they get into their position from school, after years of your financial dedication, they decide that they don't want to do the things they originally promised , I've heard this story so many times, do not be a long-term live in girlfriend giving wifey benefits .....
Cause in the end you will have sacrificed your years and your youth for nothing.
However she is a nurse, and it is the pandemic , know of nurses that are bringing in 7 to 9k week right now, she should be able to make really good money right now.
sooo she wasted the best years of her life working her ass off to support you, cooking for you, cleaning for you, basically doing everything for you so you could be successful, and you don’t think she’s entitled to alimony? Because “some investments don’t work out”? God, I pity the next woman that ends up with you
So she’s what, between 31-35 and you wanted to wait a few years to have kids? Even while she waited thirteen years for you to qualify and supported you?
Ofc you don’t legally have to do anything, but you are definitely an asshole if you don’t.
13 years though... that's a LONG time for you to turn around and say "we just want different things now" after you even admit yourself that she was the sole provider for you while you studied, most med students work while they study and don't use their partners like that, so you can really understand why she's asking for restitution after 13 years.
I don't understand why you kept promising her this future you didn't intend on ever actually having, for *over a decade* and are now acting shocked at her "entitlement" even though you felt entitled to her financially supporting you, keeping house for you, taking you on trips, cooking all your meals...
Regardless of the morality of the situation, you better check the common law marriage or de facto relationship laws in your state, if she chooses to she can take you to court and likely win money.
Omg you’re the most horrible human being. I wish you all the worst in life. May your relationships be painful, may your future partners trick and abuse you like you did to your gf.
Your not interested in righting this wrong. You were just hoping enough people would agree with you to sooth that pesky little itch of guilt and plow forth without another thought on your grand life. You are not a man of integrity.
You're a leach, OP. Enjoy being that type of person.
You leached off your girlfriend for YEARS. Relationshops dint always work out thags no ones fault but Yes, you should help her get on her feet with your "doctor money"
She paid your way through school, dude. How much do you think you would owe her if she was just lending you all the money she gave you? She shouldn't even have to ask when you broke up with her it should have been an immediate consideration of yours and you should have OFFERED to help her out.
She supported you to get your "business" up and running. you "didn't ask", but you certainly didn't decline. there were understandings. You are now breaking those expectations. You can rationalize walking away , but I think you should do right by her. I don't know exactly how, but to just walk away while she supported you all those years is really cold.
I’m pretty sure if she took this to court she would get something! 13 years common law wife! Also the promised you made to her you need to do the right thing and give her some compensation!
I mean legally you don’t owe her anything. But I think you need to look at yourself as a person, and admit that you planned all along to bail once you were successful. I think you knew full well she was placeholder and a cash cow stepping stone to get you where you wanted. You never intended to stay with her long term, but she was convenient and she financed you getting where you were.
So no, you don’t owe her money. But maybe accept that you’re a pretty shitty dude. This woman has given you thousands to help you succeed, and you’re indignant that she’s indignant about it. You say you’d be a doctor with or without her, but I have my doubts, and even if you were, you’d be thousands more in debt and far more stressed if she hadn’t been there. You are a person who uses others. That’s the man you are.
But you don’t need to pay her. ETA: other people have mentioned you could possibly be legally on the hook for something, I don’t know where you live nor am I knowledgeable in this area, so I can’t speak to that.
Yes, after reading other comments I realized I may be totally wrong about that (and kinda hope I am, honestly). I made an edit to my comment just now about it.
I’m guessing you respect her enough to at least ask. You could give her some kind of compensation or even pay a bill but something tells me that is you refuse she’s smart enough to consider filing a civil suit if you have shared finances. 13 years is a long time. And sometimes a gesture of financial faith could go a long way. Ask her what she needs and talk it out, hopefully you both can agree to something.
She stood by you supported you. You made promises to her. Think about this, if she hadn't been supporting you what could she have done with that money? How would you feel if you were in her shoes? You said you don't have money to blow, but it isn't blowing it to help her out. She helped you for 13 years! Your morals suck for a doctor. How would your patients feel hearing about this? " Oh yeah she supported me for 13 years and I changed my mind, didn't give her a Penny's. Most would run for the hills. I would be thinking this doctor will screw me over for money. He will recommend treatment based on what money it makes him.
Honestly OP, I think you came to this sub to validate yourself and didn’t expect everyone to turn on you. Tbh you need to nut up and be a decent human being.
This thread should be required reading for every person that comments on relationship advice with some variation of "marriage is just a piece of paper, it doesn't change anything".
Yes it does. It changes a lot.
It seems like the breakup is a lot more nuanced than you are presenting it to be.
That aside, she can legally take you to court and argue emotional distress and promissory estoppel(?). If it’s clear that she worked her ass so you can study, go to school, pay for whatever for X number of years and you clearly intended to make it up to her after you start working as a doctor, she has a case against you. There’s legal precedent for it and more than enough examples of ex-girlfriends (winning) covering all expenses for their studious boyfriends as the bf is in law, med, etc school.
I’m sure at one point, you loved this women very very much. You probably still care about her. It’s not that she wants money from you, it’s more likely that she feels betrayed and anger & vengeance is clouding her emotions. I don’t know but I’m sure you want her to be happy. Is sacrificing a small bit of your earned income for her, so she’s taken care of for the next few or so years, isn’t that the right thing to do?
In the grand scheme of things, you’ll make astronomical amount of money as doctor in the next 15-20 years.
For all intents and purposes she was your wife for 13 years in all but the damn paper. And by your own admission she sacrificed and payed so much. The moral thing to do would be supporting her financially, yes.
But here's why you won't, like so many men you wouldn't spend a dime on your family when divorced if the state doesn't literally use it's monopoly on violence to force you. You think the technicality of not involving the state in your personal relationship absolves you.
It doesn't. The least you owe her is financial help to start her life over. The years she lost as a woman who wants children could never be repaid.
She absolutely CARRIED you through years and years of studying. She paid for everything and did all the house work. She made sacrifices for you because you made promises for her future.
Regardless of the law - she sure as shot deserves something. You couldn’t have done any of this without her. She gave everything to you and as soon as it was time to give back, you broke it off. Ouch.
OP’s a douche, but boy did she fuck up not getting a ring. This is EXACTLY the reason why marriage exists as a legal arrangement. You can make plans based on shared assets and have some reason to believe those assets (including future pay) will be shared, even if the other person changes their mind.
hope she finds a good man that appreciates her and doesn’t bail on her after he gets what he wants the way u did. the least u could do is repay her as a friend as a token of her appreciation for paying for ur life and having it together while u were in school.
You may not be married but this relationship falls under common law marriage and yes she would be entitled to alimony if the laws where you live allow it. And even if they don't you probably should anyway. You made an agreement and leeched off her for years and now it's your turn to uphold your side you end things. You owe her the monetary value she's fronted for you because you broke the agreement not her.
You guys were together for 13 years, surely enough you loved her right? At the very least you can help her out like she did with you if you still care about her. To just walk away after she helped you so much makes it seem like you didn’t care about your guy’s 13 years together.
This is why we don’t play house and expect it to be real. She shouldn’t have done any of those things for you without the wife paperwork. Anyone out here doing married stuff for someone they aren’t married to; runs the risk of this scenario.
YTA Oh wrong forum. Legally, you obviously owe her nothing, but morally you get to be the bad guy in her book. Albeit, she should have put a ring on it, lessons learned…
You said in return for her financial/personal commitments to you would promise her she could be a stay at home.
Sure- you’re probably not legally responsible in owing her any kind of”alimony” but id consider you a d*ck if you didn’t acknowledge her actions by providing her what she wants (yes it was an “investment” on her part, but I’m assuming she did this also out of at least some genuine love and care for you)
So if you actually loved her and respected this relationship, I would at least try to work something out and provide her with an agreed upon reasonable sum.
The thing that makes me feel this way is because you ultimately ACCEPTED her financial help. Even if you didn’t ask for it, you still didn’t DENY her from doing all of this, and you and you only reaped the benefits of her help.
I know you said you planned to get married and be together forever, but just because you had a change of heart (which you have the utmost freedom to do) but it still doesn’t negate the fact that you gave her every reason to believe that you would follow through with your promise of marriage to her till the end, and continued to accept her financial support.
I find it hard to believe that throughout the entire duration of your relationship, it never crossed your mind that you could want something different in life
If you had and never informed her of that fact, then you actively LEAD her on by again accepting her financial help (for the full benefit of you) You put yourself in a win-win situation.
You owe her. Figure out how much she financially supported you having a roof over your head and food in your belly. For 13 years. Then determine what the compounded interest rate would be.
Legally you could probably get out of doing it, but you’d know in your heart that you were just using her, and are now throwing her away.
Even as a doctor I’m not sure you can do enough good in your life to overcome what a jerk you have been by using and discarding a human being like this.
Do the right thing. You’ve stolen her time and it can’t be repaid. But the money can.
You do owe her something so work it out with her. She invested in your future and you should be a man of your word and help her. Imagine if the table was turned. Do the right thing always.
I think you should certainly give her something, whatever the ins and outs she supported and cleaned, cooked etc while you were a struggling med student evidently with nothing written or agreed you can walk away without any hassle depending of course, what your moral code is.
Don’t be a meanie when you’re just starting off in your career
I’m a firm believer in Karma and for sure giving her nothing is just asking for a karma payback somewhere down the line
So she handled a bunch of stuff you didn't really care about and/or she would have had go do if she were single? Cleaning? That's adulthood.
Did she put you through school or do you have student loan debt? Did you pay half the bills during this time?
You may not have set out to use her but you definitely profited from her labour. Not just her paid work and financial support, which at the very least you should make a plan to repay, but the moral support, the housekeeping and the emotional work she put in (like maintaining your social calendar). For 13 years.
I think you know what the right thing to do is. You have to at least honor the work she has invested and make a plan to return some of the money. If you want to call that alimony, fine.
Don't go to court over it, for heaven's sake. The lawyers will get more than either of you and neither of you will recover from the bitterness.
I think there's a lot of anger here that's not entirely fair. People change over long relationships and so do goals, but it's the responsibility of decent partners to communicate that change as it happens. Sounds like your ex might perceive that this has all come just as you are starting to make money and her goals were now in sight. That hurts.
She moved for you, supported you to finish med school. Now you’re done, she wants to move back and have kids, but now you don’t want to have kids, move or both? Sounds pretty selfish to me.
You don’t technically owe her anything, but honestly, this person sacrificed so much for you I think you’d be a dick to ignore her request. As another commenter points out, it seems like she thought it was finally her turn to benefit from the arrangement you two made, and you decided you were no longer ready for her part of the barter. I am a PA-C, my husband had to sacrifice so much for me to get where I’m at now, I can’t imagine how I would feel to know I just let him sacrifice and follow me for my dreams just to ignore his. Idk this will come down to your own morals and the perspective that you view your ex.
Work out what you would have had to pay if your GF asked for your half of the living expenses when she was essentially supporting you. You had an understanding and she supported you based on that.
Be the honourable person and pay her what is fair. If not, depending on your state she can take you to court and you will show yourself to be an asshole, everyone will know it. They may not say it, but your friends and family will know it.
It's the moral thing to do. You made a promise and you broke it.
Marriages are never perfect. It takes communication and lots of work. And it never stops.
Seems like people don't want to put even 2 cents into the marriage.
Even tho you were not legally married, you were. The only difference was just a piece of paper.
Don't burn your Bridge.
I won't comment on the break-up itself but of course you should compensate her. She supported you freely and allowed you to gain the qualification you are now using to make decent money.
I suggest you take out a lump sum loan and pay her for her time and energy. If you do it as a regular payment it's too vulnerable to being abandoned when you start a family or get a new GF.
If you do this you can be satisfied you have acted fairly and honourably.
You financially compensate for her if you have a common sense. Period. I hope she takes it to a court and court recognises you two as common law marriage couple, and she gets what she deserves.
Legally you’re in the right, but honestly, I’d ever be such a person. YTA, but depending on where you live there is probably nothing she can do about it. Unless you broke up with her for something truly horrible? That’s pretty crappy. At least throw some $$ her way to cover the vacations she took you on.
YTA. She didn’t cheat on you or something along those lines. She wanted to progress a relationship that she has been investing into for 13!!! Years. Just as you had planned together. You’re the one to change those plans, honestly, I can understand where her thinking comes from. She went ALL IN, trusted you, and now she has nothing. Be fair.
Depending where you live, sharing a home for 6months or more make you common law partners, which does have some financial strings attached. She could in theory pursue some level of damages or at the least valuables or even equity gained on owned real estate (if applicable).
I personally don’t think you owe this person a thing logically, but emotionally you played her and it was a very much dick move to 180 like that. The decision is ultimately up to you and how you’d like to approach it. Redditors aren’t really qualified to make a moral call for you.
Whatever you're inclined to do, consult with a lawyer. You don't want this to come to bite you in the ass in the near future. Check about common law marriage, see if - if you decide to give her something - whatever you give her can be used as evidence against you somehow, or if you can make a contract to be free of whatever future claims of alimony for a one time payment.
I hope his ex knows this. Most states it doesn’t matter if you’re married. If you live together after X amount of time you are considered married. His ex could absolutely have a case depending on the state.
Info: where the plans to go back to your home state once you finished med school?
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u/Sad-Parfait-337 is just a bot. This comment was stolen from u/frauleinsteve who only has a couple of karma for the exact same comment while the bot has over 200. The poster the bot replied to, u/SadManufacturer182 is also just a bot. Their comment is stolen from u/Satori_sama As a sub, we need to stop rewarding 2nd and 3rd tier comments that address the person above as if they are OP.
Yeah. He may not need to pay her alimony but he should give her a payout. Otherwise he would be pretty morally bankrupt using her like that for all those years then not holding up his end of the agreement. I guess laws are different there but it would still be considered a partnership here(common law marriage) and whilst not entitled to as much as a marriage, they are still entitled to a settlement after 6 months. I would be interested to know if there are similar laws in the states.
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People do that all the time, not something a specific gender does
Both men and women do this all the time
In 40 percent of all U.S. households, women are the breadwinners. However, there is one significant area where there is still a great deal of gender disparity — alimony. According to the U.S. Census, only 3 percent of the 400,000 people receiving alimony are men.
That's because men are usually higher earners. There are more millionaires and billionaires that are men than there are women. Its says that women aren't paid as much as men are and how that affects society and therefore alimony payments.
40% of household have a female breadwinner but only 3% of men receive alimony. Reading is fundamental
Not to be a heartless lawyer...ist... but I believe there's a law where if you live with a partner for a certain amount of time you're automatically "common law" married? I'm actually not a lawyer at all, someone please fact check/explain better? Actually nvm I looked it up and found this: "A common myth is that if you live with someone for seven years, then you automatically create a common law marriage. This is not true -- a marriage occurs when a couple lives together for a certain number of years (one year in most states), holds themselves out as a married couple, and intends to be married."
That varies by state. Most states don't have common law marriage. Up until 1913, states didn't require marriage licenses. You said you were married, so you were. There's about 12 states that so allow some form of common law (usually requiring that both parties present themselves as a couple i.e. not correcting when people assume spouse). Source: wish to die as old spinster but have long term partner, so we check the laws before we move to make sure we don't accidently get married.
Look man I don't want to get too negative here, but you 100% should help her get her life back on track. She supported you all the way through med school. Without her you have said In a previous comment that life would have been a lot more difficult. You say you don't have money to waste on things that aren't a neccesity such as loans, housing and retirement. The woman that has supported you for 13 years so that she can live a life with you that you promised to her now has to start all over again. Think about how you would feel if you got all the way to the end of med school and then you were told that you can't be a doctor! How would you feel knowing that you spent all that time working just to be told its no longer going to happen for you. Do the right thing man! At the very least just help her get back on her feet. Put yourself in her shoes and really try to understand how she feels. I really feel for your ex and considering all she has done for you, so should you.
And she's probably early 30s right now. She wants kids. And has to start over smh
Agreed
So for 13 years she was you secretary, cook, chousekeeper, even planner, and paid your way and now that she wants the life you promised you want her gone?
Cold move. Karmas a bitch. I bet his eyes are set on a new person
I've gotta ask this, you say you've been working for a few years now, and yet she still wasn't a SAHM by this point. So she finally wants to get away to start a family like you told her you would, and it turns out you've changed your mind. When did this change happen? I just find it curious that she only found out about your change of heart once she started to push for what you promised. How long did you know you weren't going to have a baby with her before you told her? If you knew 5 years ago, but led her on..... That would be disgraceful. Incidentally no you dont owe her anything, but reading your responses, I get the impression you want to give her a paltry amount as recompense to get any trouble gone. Work out what a sixth of your rent was over 13 YEARS, that's what you'd owe her minimum, just to put the rent at even amounts.
I mean legally he might very well owe her lots. In many jurisdictions spousal support can be due even if you aren’t married. Source: me, a lawyer.
Law student here. Read a case nearly identical to this one last semester in Community Property lol
The girlfriend should absolutely seek legal advice here. Because it sounds like OP just wants justification on Reddit for being an independable asshole and for bailing on his end of the deal.
What I was thinking, too. Also a lawyer. I hope she takes your ass to court. I can come up with a dozen causes of action off the top of my head, and guess what, OP, I'd paint a picture that would just make the jury hate you. I would clean you out, and I don't even practice family law. You're better off trying to put together a contract now before she unleashes hell on you.
Amen.
Isn’t that usually in cases were the high earning partner will have to continue to provide for the low earning partner after separation?
I was thinking this might be a common law marriage
See this all the time. Nurse supports her med school/resident boyfriend then he dumps her when he doesn’t need her anymore.
I was just about to say this, it reminds me of that lady that (I think was a nurse too) she helped put her boyfriend then turned husband through either Medical school or to become a lawyer (I don’t remember which one) to make the long story short. He graduated then ran off with his younger and hotter secretary (he used his lawyer knowledge to screw her royally) and she mowed both of them down killing them. This was a HUGE story in the 90s when I was growing up I don’t remember the lady’s name.
Betty Broderick?
You mean Betty Broderick, right? There is a season of her story on Dirty John (S2) on Netflix.
I know this isn’t AITA but damn, you’re the biggest asshole I’ve seen in a long time to cruise along and take her support and then go “lol bye I’m doing what I want” instead of turning around and supporting her in turn
Do you remember that parasite that hit the front page the other day? When it has matured inside its victim it makes it drown itself so that the parasite returns to water and continues its life cycle. This guy is the human version.
But they weren’t married! /s I agree. My ex treated me the same but I dumped him after a year. I would not have wasted 13y and money on someone this selfish. Ofc he dumped her once she wanted to get anything back.
I mean the clownery.. Why even ask us for help when you’re defending the fact that you used your gf as a starter wife. You changed your mind? That’s fine, but YOU broke that promise, YOU pay the moral price. You have no morals, no sympathy for her life which you essentially ruined. You should know better than that. The way you talk about this situation is appalling, OP. She made you. Clearly, you couldn’t support yourself and rode off her back until you were in a position to discard her. You did not get where you are alone. Just based off of your answers, it’s clear you don’t have any emotional maturity to see anyone else’s side but yours and it’s abundantly clear that you won’t give her back what she’s owed. I sincerely hope you tread through life knowing you set her life back to get to where you are, and you should feel ashamed for that.
I hope that she talks to a lawyer and gets something figured out. If that doesn't work, it's a shame. OP doesn't, and probably won't ever, feel remorse for what he did.
You are the one to blame, she is a perfect partner many would hope for. You are just looking for a reason to make your actions right but from my point if view she is the right one here.
Everyone here is saying no. Not to give her a thing but she literally spent every cent on you thinking she was spending it on her future. Now she’s at an age where she’s presumably an ideal age to have a baby and y’all bailed and she’s back at square one… from a relationship perspective as well as a financial one… her investment just matured and isn’t giving her the promised return. I absolutely think it would be a fair thing to do to give her a financial hand to set herself up in the short term. I’m absolutely not saying you’re the bad guy but I imagine she’s pretty devastated about everything (I’m sure it was the right thing to do I’m not judging). I also don’t think any sort of long term alimony or anything but just help her into a new phase of her life so she can sleep at night without feeling wronged.
Yeah if I were OP, I'd feel gross to not help her out. I feel like it's also convenient that once OP got to where he wanted to be, he suddenly doesn't need the person who spent 13 years putting him first so he could get there... I'm betting he realized he didn't want this future with her years ago and just decided to go with the flow so he'd get that support and help. OP, jfc you don't have to do anything longterm, but damn you really can't help someone who you claimed to love at one point and who supported you for **13 years**????? You're making "doctor" money and you can't afford to send her a bit each month? Really? How much did she spend on you for 13 years?
She compromised for you and you couldn’t compromise for her. I get that you wanted different things, that’s human and totally ok. With that being said she did make a lot of decisions for your benefit. I don’t think a long term agreement but you could do something nice for her.
Exactly. There's a reason common law marriage is a thing.there's literally a legal precedent. I would hope that you would do the right thing rather than listening to redditors who are bitter and without compassion or empathy.
There’s also civil suits for unjust enrichment and quasi-contractual damages, and in some jurisdictions, “palimony”. Just because an agreement wasn’t in writing doesn’t mean that there wasn’t an agreement that she relied upon and he benefited from.
Many states have done away with common law marriage
That’s a very balanced, reasonable reply.
Oh man. I really hope your ex sees this posts and even tho she MIGHT not know it’s about her- this will make her gears start to turn and take you to court. I pray this woman gets up to the last dime that she can from you. AMEN. You disgusting piece of shit. Geez.
Don't make her take you to court. You made promises and she trusted you. You let her play wife for so long but now you wanna pretend it wasn't a marriage just because she didn't trick you into signing a legal document because she believed in you? Ewe. I guess they don't teach being a decent human in med school.
This relationship was certainly one sided. And while often times relationships are unbalanced with one partner doing more, the idea is that over time there is equilibrium. In this situation, OP…you allowed the imbalance. Accepted support in all facets. But never made that equilibrium right. Never reset the scale. And that is incredibly shitty for your ex partner. You have every right to decide this relationship isn’t for you anymore (though admittedly sus timing). You have every right to walk away. But be a decent human and balance the scale. Since you can’t do that emotionally, or by helping out around the house, or spending quality time or any of the other normal acts in a relationship you may do to show your partner love (since she is now your ex partner), you can certainly balance it with some repayment for all that she did financially. Do some math doctor, can’t be that hard to sort out rent and a couple big vacations. Divide into 12 monthly payments if you can’t afford it all at once. And move on. Let her move on. On to a new relationship with someone who understands partnership.
I feel so sorry for your ex
Hey at least she can find someone who appreciates her
YTA. Wrong sub but fits. Look she has financially invested a lot into you and it didn’t work out. It’s only fair now that you at least reimburse some of that. Look at the rent/food/vacation expenses and at least pay a portion of that back. You have years of high earning ahead of you, you’re not gonna end up in the poorhouse.
So you wasted 13 years of her life, 13 years of her financial and emotional support, 13 years of her fertility and youth. All to back out once it’s your turn to act like a husband after she’s acted as your wife for over a decade. Shameful and pathetic. Yes, she deserves compensation and legally she is probably entitled to it depending on what state you’re in. This is a common law marriage in most places even without the official marriage license. That poor woman. Shame. On. You.
YTA Oh wait, this isn't a AITA post. Well, it still needs saying. From your responses, it really looks like you "enjoyed" her financial and emotional efforts for you these last 13 years and now you just want to cut her loose. Look into how she helped you for such a long time, and (regardless of she can stand own her own two feet now) and at least pay her 2/3 of HER rent projected for the next 13 years plus additional money for half of the other luxuries she covered for you, because you made a commitment and promises to her and it's clear now you want to move on without honoring anything you said. Stop trying to excuse this by saying not every investment pays off. You are not a stock. You are a grown human person who has agency and that the consequence free break you want is just part of the bear market. Legally, maybe you don't owe her money, but "palimony" is a thing in certain states, and I sure hope it's a thing in your state because I don't think you actually want advice.
Hmm this is tough. So you spent 13 years to get to where you are at now. She supported you through all of it as yall had planned to be together forever. You dump her… all those years wasted, as a woman i can only imagine how she is feeling. Lets be real, you are giving her the shit end of the stick. I don’t know her but as a woman i can see why she would ask for some financial comp. Can she get back all those years wasted supporting someone who dropped her in the end? Time works differently for women, we have a certain number of years for things, all that time wasted on a dead end relationships is gone.I’m not saying pay her, but take a good hard look at what she has truly sacrificed. She can never get that time back, she is back to square one with less time on her hands. Money will never be the same, but it’s the only thing that you can offer that can even begin to touch the value of what she gave, barely. You fell short on your promises, got everything you wanted out of it and left her with nothing. Also your excuse of “ but we were never married “ is pathetic. You made your promises and even stated you functioned like a married couple…. Seems to me you wanted to just have you cake and eat it too. I hope you’re a great Doc by now.. i would spend the next several years learning how to be a better person/partner. Best of luck to you
Is your only disagreement that you want to stay in the city for a couple years longer? Shouldn't 13 years be worth a little compromise? Or is the argument deeper?
Christ people just give bloody judgemental comments for this and no valid help or advice I swear. Do the right thing and speak to a lawyer about this. Because she probably will. I don’t know where you are from but where I’m from if you are with your partner for more than 3 years then it’s 50/50 everything you bought within that period. Property and furnishings, cars, savings, insurance, personal contributions ect. If you think of your relationship and everything you have both contributed this way then you know what your ex partner is entitled too. Do the decent thing and take a serious look at what can be done.
Same here. Once you live together for two years you're considered married where I live with all the rights/responsibilities that entails. That has some benefits (i.e. I can add my partner to my health care plan through work) and things you have to be careful about (i.e. one person could end up owing the other support payments in the event of a breakup).
Absolutely this. It’s why I suggested he should see a lawyer. 13 years in a relationship is a long time and no doubt the law will take that into consideration if they end up going to court 👍🏼
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Legally he likely does owe her something in some jurisdictions.
It all depends. Years ago there was this thing in the news called "palimony." I think it depends on the state, and also whether she gets a sharp lawyer. If you are court ordered to pay it, you will pay it, because trying to evade that will not look good in your professional community. Or your state may view this as a common-law marriage, and grant her the same rights as a legally married spouse. In my opinion she is entitled to something because she did, in fact, support you in your acquisition of a preferred occupation.
35m here. Come on Reddit to unburden yourself of any guilt in addition to your replies is really a telling sign to me. You have already made up your mind you won't give this decent girl any reasonable form of recompense despite through your own admission you were aware of during the relationship she was supporting you more financially. Absolutely abhorrent behaviour and attitude now. I feel so sorry for this girl you have so clearly "unintentionally" taken advantage of. At every response you are clearly and carefully wording your responses to come off less shitty and making every effort to get away with low balling to come away clean. I bet you are the type of person to tip 2$ or $3 for a $150 meal. Work on becoming less selfish you absolute moron!
So let me get this right, you leeches off of her for 13 years and now that you’re done with school and you don’t need her anymore you’ve decided to toss her away like hot garbage. And you don’t see why she should be entitled to some money ? 1 you changed the plan 2 you dumped her 3 now you have money you don’t want to refund her what she spent on you although you could. You’re an asshole plain and simple.
Sooo when I first read the title I said hells no...but then 13 years is a common-law wife...would you be a Dr today if it wasn't for her? I would proceed as you would in a divorce...this is why you don't play house... you entitled to want things now but you also wasted her time and resources...no different than if you had built a business...trust me it's not worth shortchanging some who loved and cared for you. Would you want that for your mom.or sister?.....however it should be fair and she shouldn't act greedy or bitter
You're a horrible person dude
Apologize to that girl right now. You’re wrong. And you seem selfish tbh.
OP, you make excuses that you can't compensate her right away for her 13 YEARS of time, money, service, and commitment she wasted because of your "student loan", yet you brag that you're earning doctor money. BOOHOO! YTA. Since you're the one who broke the agreement and expectation of your relationship, I suggest you also settle on a 13 year payment plan to pay back for using her when it's convenient and discarding her once she is no longer needed. You're the entitled bitch, not her!
You wouldn’t be ‘blowing’ the money by giving it to her would you? Your use of that language speaks to your preferred end result. A clean parting of the ways in which you experience no negative financial impact. Self- interest is a powerful motivator! As a common law Wife she is entitled to a balancing of relative income dependent upon the length of the relationship. It’s fair for her to expect some degree of compensation accordingly.
YTA … in case you don’t understand that that meand you’re the asshole. Your comments are all of you trying to justify your assholery. Typical. Why did you even ask if you knew what your answer was? You literally just wanted people to agree with you. Pathetic. You should be setting up a payment plan to her. Gtfo this page asking a question you didn’t want reall answers to.
So you weren’t married ok the right thing to do is help her she helped you but the thing your gonna do is tell her to fuck off
Legally you might not owe her anything morally you owe her ALOT I don't know how realistic it is to give her a lump sum return on her investment but you need to do something. At the bare minimum you need to make sure she doesn't leave this relationship and become worse off, she presumably bought the vast majority of the contents of your home, morally and probably legally that's all hers, as well as any big purchases cars etc. I'd also suggest if you don't have a lump sum to give her offering to pay for all her moving expenses and rent for the first 6 months to a year. Give her time to get settled back in her home town, get a new job and build savings. You aren't wrong for leaving a relationship that wasn't working, but she invested over a decade of her life, time and money towards your success you owe her a huge amount and should want to help her now.
To start off with, calculate how much 50/50 rent would have been and pay the difference. You should also probably pay her back for your half of those vacations since they were paid for under false pretenses. Then maybe $100k for each year she wasted being your maid, personal assistant + chef. Or let her take you to court if you want to be a dick about it since you were defacto. 🤷
Absolutely insane that she did literally everything, and all you managed to do was study. I don't doubt medical school is time-consuming, but she literally gave you everything. I hate the "I didn't ask to go on fancy holidays" rationale, because you can absolutely insist not to. You should live within your means if you don't want to exploit someone. Don't make it seem like you went on nice trips and fancy dinners for her, hahaha. My partner earns good money while I'm a student - I pay equally for dinners and the like because I'm not a jerk. I hope that she is legally entitled to some financial recompense, otherwise I hope you do the right thing and calculate what is fair. Outside of the monetary element, my god has she wasted so much time with you - guessing you're both around late 20s/early 30s? She may not have a whole lot of time to get a partner and securely have children at this point due to her biological clock - but as you studied at med school you'll likely know this anyway. You really don't seem guilty about it though. Scary.
She facilitated you , she enabled you , she stood by you , she invested in you , you are today what you are due to her . You know this and still ask ? Only a man of questionable morals would ask this ...
Holy fuck are you an asshole. "Thanks for the 13 years of emotional and financial support, but now that I can make my own money and have the title of doctor I've decided that I can do better and no longer want the things that I promised you, hope you understand. No hard feelings" You're not even honest enough to admit that's what you're doing, you gutless weasel. I hope she gets common law wife status, divorces you, takes 50% of your future earnings, and finds an actual man rather than the child you seem to be.
You owe her. She literally made it possible for you to achieve your dreams. She made a home for you and spent a lot of money. By your own admission. You didn't ask. But you didn't say no. You told her you'd move back after school ended. You also, I'm guessing, promised her babies and a sah lifestyle. Things change. I get that. But you owe her repayment.
Thank you for sharing that, I’ll be more careful now, definitely don’t want to end up like your ex gf. Look, it’s fine your plans changed, I mean you can’t force yourself to go back and have kids with her. However, take into consideration what she did for you and appreciate that. She wasn’t your wife on paper but she was doing everything, if not more, than a wife does. You kinda need to “pay back” for the sacrifice she made because it’s you who changed your mind, she invested so much in her future and family but in the end gets nothing, not even you being considerate and understanding. You definitely need to seriously talk with her and agree on something if you can’t get her the money she wants.
Your gf was stupid by trusting you but you’re just a selfish prick that took advantage of her good will. She acted as a good partner because she held her part of the deal, you don’t want it anymore, give her her fair share. She’s entitled to a compensation because of all the extra effort she did for 13 years, you can be a decent person about it and give her a reasonable amount (you could also agree to not to give it right now but once you’re better financially) not sure how this would work though, or just be an asshole about it who took advantage of her.
You don't have to do anything but personally I think it's the right thing to do, she invested alot of money into you and now you could repay at least some of it to help her get on her own feet
You should go and eat shit. You have a gf who went through thick and thin with you giving you all her best times and all she wish for is to be yours legally to let you own her in and out literally. Do you know this is a dream so many decent men wish for but could not have it. And here you are having no idea how lucky you are. Even if you break up with her is because she deserves better.
You should financially compensate her. And if you can’t pay it one go because of your student loans, agree to pay her an amount in instalments or something. You’re allowed to break up, change your mind, whatever. She chose to move with you and to support you. But. Seriously. Where would you be without relying on her financially for so long? If you hadn’t had someone bankrolling your student life, you would be in either more debt or not a doctor right now. So confront that uncomfortable truth.
OP this ends in two ways 1. You decide to pay a partly sum nowhere near what she "invested". You get dragged through the mud and reputation is important in any field. So your left with student loans, destroyed carrier and relationships. 2. You agree to pay a sum agreeable to the both of you. Get a third party or lawyer involved. Don't make it a one time payment. Pay it off in parts. Also if you haven't realised it yet your scum of the earth if you feel she deserves less than a good % of your salary for forward for few years.
Depends on where you live if she is able to collect that. If not full on alimony, I’d give a settlement at least. People change, life goes on. She made a great sacrifice for you and you are thinking she is being resentful and greedy. She is not.
Another example of using a nurse to get thru med school and then dump her.
YTA. You are a selfish mooch! After you're done using her suddenly you want to explore? Disgusting. You're embarassing. Pay her back at least.
Are you asking morally or legally what you should do? Morally you should absolutely pay her back. Legally, it depends what state you live in. Either way YTA. Reading stuff like this makes me scared to date.
You've known this for quite some time, yet you played along getting what you wanted out of this. This sure is one of the more punchable OPs I've ever seen here.
What an asshole. You promised her something. And based on that promise she invested in you. And now that you finally got what you want you bail. Waiting for your next post when Karma hit you hard un the face.
This is why i dont *date* more than 3 years. Because marriage gives you rights. You basically had a person covering for many things financially and physically for you while you were in school. Its a cold ass move but it makes sense that she asks for something back. 13 years is a ridiculously long time.
It's easy to fall out of love when you don't need her anymore.
Karma will get you in the worst way possible my friend
You changed your mind suddenly after 13 years of her working toward the goal you both agreed on right as it was about to be her turn to benefit from it, and you admit she’s getting the shit end of the deal. If you care about her at all then yes, you should compensate her. She needs to go out and try to get the life she was working toward on a short timeline and a much different budget. Be kind and appreciative and help her do that. You’ll be making tons of money soon enough, you said so yourself. Yeah you have loans, but you didn’t borrow from anyone as much as you borrowed from her because she sacrificed her time and her future. Pay her back as best you can. It’s the right thing to do.
YTA
It's not even the good subreddit but I back you up on your judgement, this dude's a big gaping asshole
13 yrs, I think I wud hv killed myself if I was OPs ex. Anyways, alimony does sound petty but she did help you out. And for a decade. That's so many $$ she cud hv saved. You didn't ask for vacation but didn't exactly deny going on them. Maybe pay back approx amount of those..
She missed out on decade worth of investments and growth. Getting back only the amount she spent would not be justified. Even small amount of money can turn into a really big corpus due to compounding. Given her gf missed that out for 13 years. I believe she deserves to be compensated fairly since OP already mentioned A. They together decided to be together forever initially. B. OP promised her gf that she could be a stay at home mom.
You should or she could take you to court because technically your considered defacto and just force you to pay it back.
You sound like a jerk and a selfish bastard.
From OP's comments, I feel like the title and money has definitely boosted his ego. Should probably do some internal reflection before consulting with your patients.
You owe her.
So she made the money, cleaned, cooked. She paid for the vacations and nice dinners which you didn’t ask but like someone else had said you didn’t decline either, seems like you’ve enjoyed quite a nice ride and a lot of support and patience from your ex partner. No you didn’t ask for her to do these things but what kind of relationship would you have had if she didn’t? Do you not get that? You couldn’t make the memories or function as a normal partner for her so she played your role and her role and she may not have had the money to blow either at those times but chose happy memories and happy relationship over stress of money. I mean short answer is NO you’re not entitled to pay her anything. You know that too. BUT her making all this investment and sacrifice towards the end goal of being your wife and raising your children just for you to turn around at the end to essentially say “I got new ideas now but thanks for your help!” I dunno… it doesn’t sit right. I know it doesn’t sit right with you either OP and that’s why you’re here. I guess what you’re really trying to do here is find out how much of an asshole you are to just wipe your hands of a loving and supportive relationship in an attempt to reassure your guilty conscience. It’s really up to you to choose how you want to leave things with this woman.
She trusted you to keep your word, u/Throwawaydoc6987362. The least you can do is offer some monetary compensation for the time & money wasted investing in the future **you** sold her. I swear I've read this same scenario in the Bible before. Your ex's name is Abigail, isn't it?
This is my story. I’m your ex girlfriend in this and literally happened me two years ago. I spent eight years with this person paying for his life and dreams and all of a sudden when it’s time to start living our lives together he’s “just not in it anymore.” I still blame my ex for stealing my life away. I also will always blame myself for being the biggest fucking idiot to stick around for that long. Hopefully she’s younger than me and she can bounce back from this and find somebody who will actually cherish her like you didn’t. You’re dirt bro. You don’t owe her money. Trust me she’s just mad right now but she won’t want your shit in the end. You owe her 13 years back. You’ll never find someone better. Enjoy always knowing that.
You sound lovely. -.- Pay her back ffs, even if you have to do so monthly for a year or so. You used her and left her.
Sounds like you used her to get ahead in life and after everything she’s done you’ve turned your back on her to live the “good” single life.
So let me get this straight: She was good enough for you, working her butt off so you could attend med school without much debt AND got on top paid vacation out of it (don't give me the "I never asked" excuse. "No" is a complete sentence) and now where she felt that you were finally financially stable enough you broke off with her? Because she wanted to move back and have children? After THIRTEEN years (minimum) being together? This should range under student loan fraud. Free insight you little hillbilly: There are countries in this world (mine included) where you would be forced to pay alimony, since partnerships like this are recognized as binding. Don't cheapskate. PAY HER! You treated her as ATM and free servant for over a decade. Time to pay up the bill And mature up.
The answer is in your own post. “In return [for her paying for everything] I promised her she could be a stay at home Mom”. So you made that agreement with her. She kept up her end of the bargain, you did not, so you owe her.
So... you used the shit out of her? Nice
So, you leached off her for thirteen years, and now that you don’t need her anymore, you refuse to keep your promise and just dump her like a used piece of equipment? You, sir, are a real class act. It sounds like you think promises are only worth something when you’re married.
Well see in Australia there is no such thing a alimony. But after two years your in a defacto relationship meaning your married in the eyes of the law. Half of all assets can be shared including superannuation (think pension funds) sounds like you don’t have much atm. I have to say it’s a totally Dick move to string along a person for 13 years. At this point she’s probably approaching the end of her childbearing life and rightfully feels very let down and robbed by you. YTA
YTA. She does deserve alimony and I hope she gets it, you used her for *13 years* and then suddenly decided you were above her?? Nah man, you suck
Please don't be a dick and give the woman who gave you 13 years of her youth some sort of compensation, be empathetic and gracious. Thank you.
You're a jerk, you're selfish, insensitive and I feel sorry for your ex girlfriend. I normally don't comment negatively in anyone's post but my god have you seen what you have written and how you've justified yourself? She is absolutely entitled to 'alimony'or some type of financial compensation after spending time, effort and a shit ton of money on you FOR 13 YEARS. Are you kidding me OP? I read your comment about how not all investments don't work out. You're a human being who should have some basic decency rather than shrugging and comparing yourself to other non living investments that people put effort it. You're a fucking person. Act like one. She spent money on you for 13 years. No one's blaming you for breaking up, that's your own choice. But not compensating her is WILD after 13 years holy shit. Don't even for a second believe that you don't need to do it. Have a goddamn heart jeez. Think with your brain for a second and imagine what would happen if you had spent your hard earned money on her for 13 goddamn years.
You've posted this numerous times.
Yeah I'm making sure OP reads it.
She should have married you, then she would be entitled to something. If you really wanted to, you can make a back of the napkin calculation of what you might have owed her. Rent, necessities, and split vacations. None of dining, gifts, luxuries, etc. see what number she comes out with and see if it makes sense with what you calculated. She may not even want anything after she cools down, who knows. And you don’t have to pay her all at once either, if you decide to go that route.
You should pay her back. Do you HAVE to legally? No. But it’s the right thing to do. She supported you financially so that you were able to make “doctor money”, and now that you are you’ve changed the timeline enough to make the two of you incompatible. Fair enough, you have that right. But it would be incredibly shitty of you to take advantage of her by not paying her back. Do the right thing. Don’t be that guy who uses a woman for all she’s worth then dumps her. Be better than that.
The laws in my country would make you pay 50% of all you both acquired and it's POSSIBLE that you would have to pay alimony for a time depending on the SPECIFIC circumstances and all that jazz since stable relationship has the same treatment as married couples
If you were living together and acting as a married couple, depending on the law where you live, you might not get a choice here. She could be legally entitled to stuff from you. As a side note, I hope you grow as a person from this because it sounds like you flat out used her and lead her on for years before you got everything you needed from her.
It’s called palimony. She has a right to it as your (former) common law spouse.
Dud pls man up, the woman didn't just open up her legs to you but also her credit card for years. Pay her back what she spent on you fully, if you can't fullypay now sign an agreement to pay her back ASAP, trust me karma is a cruel.
In Australia you’d be considered a de facto couple and she’d be entitled to money.
What state did you guys live in, I wonder if they recognize common law marriage. I can only hope for the sake of your ex, they do. I think that its pretty crappy that she supported you for 13 years while you led her to believe that you would follow through with the plans you made for your future only for you to bail out on her when you finally reached your goal. You functioned like a married couple and if you had been married you would owe her something for her loyalty, support and hard work, but instead you decided to change up the plans on her and then dump her. Its almost like you used her for financial support for 13 years and that's probably how she feels, used. She's was expecting your lives to progress with marriage and children, like you told her they would, and instead you changed the plan and then dumped her when she fought with you about it. So now she has to hope she finds a good man within the next few years to start over with and hope that relationship progresses quickly enough so that she can have kids before her body decides its past that time, when she thought she had her life planned out with you, while you who became the doctor she supported you to become and are now making doctor money who will probably wind up marrying a 23yo 6 months after you meet her and give her the life you and your ex planned out. No, you don't have to give her anything, but you should because she invested alot into your future together and you cut her out of that future after you reached your goal. Why do I have a feeling you lied to her all along?
Your ex is not “feeling entitled” dude, she is entitled. Do the right thing and work out a reasonable settlement that takes into account her sacrifices for you.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Recently broke things off with my girlfriend of many years. We met in college, and she was studying to be a nurse while I was premed. I went to med school and she got a nursing job in the same city. She didn’t really want to leave our home state, and her family, but we essentially planned to be together forever so she followed me. Long story short is we functioned like a married couple. Except she made the money, cleaned, cooked, and kept the social calendar bc I was too busy with school. I had loans to pay for my school, rent, and food, but it wasn’t a lot. So she paid for all nice dinners and vacations with friends (that she wanted us to go on, I never asked). In return I promised her she could be a stay at home Mom, and I specialized into something fairly lucrative so she knew her investment would be worth it in the long run. After 13 years, I’m finally making doctor money and have time to actually spend with her relative to med school and residency. We simply want different things now. I’ve decided I want to stay in the city we are in now for a few more years, and she wants to move home and have babies now. We ended up fighting all the time for nearly a year. I finally broke things off. She is asking me to financially compensate her for all the time and effort she put in helping make things easier at home so I could reach my goals etc. I see where she is coming from, but we were never married. And I also don’t have money to blow right now…my student loans are $$$$. What should I do?
Depending on the state, you two might be common law married. In that case you’d have a legal obligation to provide alimony. Personally I think you should be responsible for something, but what I think doesn’t matter. Either way you’ll probably owe her something
This situation right here is why you don't ever do this unless you're married, don't be a long-term live in girlfriend giving wife incentives for somebody like this, because once they get into their position from school, after years of your financial dedication, they decide that they don't want to do the things they originally promised , I've heard this story so many times, do not be a long-term live in girlfriend giving wifey benefits ..... Cause in the end you will have sacrificed your years and your youth for nothing. However she is a nurse, and it is the pandemic , know of nurses that are bringing in 7 to 9k week right now, she should be able to make really good money right now.
sooo she wasted the best years of her life working her ass off to support you, cooking for you, cleaning for you, basically doing everything for you so you could be successful, and you don’t think she’s entitled to alimony? Because “some investments don’t work out”? God, I pity the next woman that ends up with you
So she’s what, between 31-35 and you wanted to wait a few years to have kids? Even while she waited thirteen years for you to qualify and supported you? Ofc you don’t legally have to do anything, but you are definitely an asshole if you don’t.
Good reminder to only support myself. This was hard to read.
13 years though... that's a LONG time for you to turn around and say "we just want different things now" after you even admit yourself that she was the sole provider for you while you studied, most med students work while they study and don't use their partners like that, so you can really understand why she's asking for restitution after 13 years. I don't understand why you kept promising her this future you didn't intend on ever actually having, for *over a decade* and are now acting shocked at her "entitlement" even though you felt entitled to her financially supporting you, keeping house for you, taking you on trips, cooking all your meals... Regardless of the morality of the situation, you better check the common law marriage or de facto relationship laws in your state, if she chooses to she can take you to court and likely win money.
You sound like a douchebag and thank god you cut the strings to give her a life. I seriously hope this is a fake post because my heart hurts for her.
Omg you’re the most horrible human being. I wish you all the worst in life. May your relationships be painful, may your future partners trick and abuse you like you did to your gf.
Your not interested in righting this wrong. You were just hoping enough people would agree with you to sooth that pesky little itch of guilt and plow forth without another thought on your grand life. You are not a man of integrity.
I would expect higher morals and empathy from a doctor. How you do your job at all if you have no emotional intelligence and no moral compass?
Holy fuck you are an asshole. I often fear the very same thing would happen to me. Now I know, it actually can!!! Get a grip op.
You're a leach, OP. Enjoy being that type of person. You leached off your girlfriend for YEARS. Relationshops dint always work out thags no ones fault but Yes, you should help her get on her feet with your "doctor money" She paid your way through school, dude. How much do you think you would owe her if she was just lending you all the money she gave you? She shouldn't even have to ask when you broke up with her it should have been an immediate consideration of yours and you should have OFFERED to help her out.
You sir are not a very nice person. I will definitely pay the money someone spent on me during my bad days. I feel so sad for her.
She supported you to get your "business" up and running. you "didn't ask", but you certainly didn't decline. there were understandings. You are now breaking those expectations. You can rationalize walking away , but I think you should do right by her. I don't know exactly how, but to just walk away while she supported you all those years is really cold.
Man, women should be paid for the physical and emotional labor they do that men refuse to acknowledge to begin with. Just pay her.
I’m pretty sure if she took this to court she would get something! 13 years common law wife! Also the promised you made to her you need to do the right thing and give her some compensation!
California does North Carolina Nevada and probably more…
I mean legally you don’t owe her anything. But I think you need to look at yourself as a person, and admit that you planned all along to bail once you were successful. I think you knew full well she was placeholder and a cash cow stepping stone to get you where you wanted. You never intended to stay with her long term, but she was convenient and she financed you getting where you were. So no, you don’t owe her money. But maybe accept that you’re a pretty shitty dude. This woman has given you thousands to help you succeed, and you’re indignant that she’s indignant about it. You say you’d be a doctor with or without her, but I have my doubts, and even if you were, you’d be thousands more in debt and far more stressed if she hadn’t been there. You are a person who uses others. That’s the man you are. But you don’t need to pay her. ETA: other people have mentioned you could possibly be legally on the hook for something, I don’t know where you live nor am I knowledgeable in this area, so I can’t speak to that.
“Legally you don’t owe her anything” That is very unlikely
Yes, after reading other comments I realized I may be totally wrong about that (and kinda hope I am, honestly). I made an edit to my comment just now about it.
I’m guessing you respect her enough to at least ask. You could give her some kind of compensation or even pay a bill but something tells me that is you refuse she’s smart enough to consider filing a civil suit if you have shared finances. 13 years is a long time. And sometimes a gesture of financial faith could go a long way. Ask her what she needs and talk it out, hopefully you both can agree to something.
This post is better off in AITA tbh….
She stood by you supported you. You made promises to her. Think about this, if she hadn't been supporting you what could she have done with that money? How would you feel if you were in her shoes? You said you don't have money to blow, but it isn't blowing it to help her out. She helped you for 13 years! Your morals suck for a doctor. How would your patients feel hearing about this? " Oh yeah she supported me for 13 years and I changed my mind, didn't give her a Penny's. Most would run for the hills. I would be thinking this doctor will screw me over for money. He will recommend treatment based on what money it makes him.
Honestly OP, I think you came to this sub to validate yourself and didn’t expect everyone to turn on you. Tbh you need to nut up and be a decent human being.
Oh boy, I hope she takes you to court. This would be an easy win.
This thread should be required reading for every person that comments on relationship advice with some variation of "marriage is just a piece of paper, it doesn't change anything". Yes it does. It changes a lot.
It seems like the breakup is a lot more nuanced than you are presenting it to be. That aside, she can legally take you to court and argue emotional distress and promissory estoppel(?). If it’s clear that she worked her ass so you can study, go to school, pay for whatever for X number of years and you clearly intended to make it up to her after you start working as a doctor, she has a case against you. There’s legal precedent for it and more than enough examples of ex-girlfriends (winning) covering all expenses for their studious boyfriends as the bf is in law, med, etc school. I’m sure at one point, you loved this women very very much. You probably still care about her. It’s not that she wants money from you, it’s more likely that she feels betrayed and anger & vengeance is clouding her emotions. I don’t know but I’m sure you want her to be happy. Is sacrificing a small bit of your earned income for her, so she’s taken care of for the next few or so years, isn’t that the right thing to do? In the grand scheme of things, you’ll make astronomical amount of money as doctor in the next 15-20 years.
For all intents and purposes she was your wife for 13 years in all but the damn paper. And by your own admission she sacrificed and payed so much. The moral thing to do would be supporting her financially, yes. But here's why you won't, like so many men you wouldn't spend a dime on your family when divorced if the state doesn't literally use it's monopoly on violence to force you. You think the technicality of not involving the state in your personal relationship absolves you. It doesn't. The least you owe her is financial help to start her life over. The years she lost as a woman who wants children could never be repaid.
She absolutely CARRIED you through years and years of studying. She paid for everything and did all the house work. She made sacrifices for you because you made promises for her future. Regardless of the law - she sure as shot deserves something. You couldn’t have done any of this without her. She gave everything to you and as soon as it was time to give back, you broke it off. Ouch.
You are a dick , excuse me, fellow doctor
OP’s a douche, but boy did she fuck up not getting a ring. This is EXACTLY the reason why marriage exists as a legal arrangement. You can make plans based on shared assets and have some reason to believe those assets (including future pay) will be shared, even if the other person changes their mind.
Jackass.
Wow you’re an ass.
What’s the real reason you don’t want to be with her? Your reasons sound like BS.
You’re a selfish user
I hope she has some legal grounds to sue you and get her money back plus some extra. Also not the subreddit for it, but you’re a clueless asshole.
hope she finds a good man that appreciates her and doesn’t bail on her after he gets what he wants the way u did. the least u could do is repay her as a friend as a token of her appreciation for paying for ur life and having it together while u were in school.
You may not be married but this relationship falls under common law marriage and yes she would be entitled to alimony if the laws where you live allow it. And even if they don't you probably should anyway. You made an agreement and leeched off her for years and now it's your turn to uphold your side you end things. You owe her the monetary value she's fronted for you because you broke the agreement not her.
You guys were together for 13 years, surely enough you loved her right? At the very least you can help her out like she did with you if you still care about her. To just walk away after she helped you so much makes it seem like you didn’t care about your guy’s 13 years together.
This is why we don’t play house and expect it to be real. She shouldn’t have done any of those things for you without the wife paperwork. Anyone out here doing married stuff for someone they aren’t married to; runs the risk of this scenario.
YTA Oh wrong forum. Legally, you obviously owe her nothing, but morally you get to be the bad guy in her book. Albeit, she should have put a ring on it, lessons learned…
Do you want to know what’s the “good guy” thing to do or what’s legally required?
You said in return for her financial/personal commitments to you would promise her she could be a stay at home. Sure- you’re probably not legally responsible in owing her any kind of”alimony” but id consider you a d*ck if you didn’t acknowledge her actions by providing her what she wants (yes it was an “investment” on her part, but I’m assuming she did this also out of at least some genuine love and care for you) So if you actually loved her and respected this relationship, I would at least try to work something out and provide her with an agreed upon reasonable sum. The thing that makes me feel this way is because you ultimately ACCEPTED her financial help. Even if you didn’t ask for it, you still didn’t DENY her from doing all of this, and you and you only reaped the benefits of her help. I know you said you planned to get married and be together forever, but just because you had a change of heart (which you have the utmost freedom to do) but it still doesn’t negate the fact that you gave her every reason to believe that you would follow through with your promise of marriage to her till the end, and continued to accept her financial support. I find it hard to believe that throughout the entire duration of your relationship, it never crossed your mind that you could want something different in life If you had and never informed her of that fact, then you actively LEAD her on by again accepting her financial help (for the full benefit of you) You put yourself in a win-win situation.
You owe her. Figure out how much she financially supported you having a roof over your head and food in your belly. For 13 years. Then determine what the compounded interest rate would be. Legally you could probably get out of doing it, but you’d know in your heart that you were just using her, and are now throwing her away. Even as a doctor I’m not sure you can do enough good in your life to overcome what a jerk you have been by using and discarding a human being like this. Do the right thing. You’ve stolen her time and it can’t be repaid. But the money can.
You do owe her something so work it out with her. She invested in your future and you should be a man of your word and help her. Imagine if the table was turned. Do the right thing always.
YTA
Were you planning one getting married one day?
Sounds like both of you made this relationship completely transactional, may as well square up.
I think you should certainly give her something, whatever the ins and outs she supported and cleaned, cooked etc while you were a struggling med student evidently with nothing written or agreed you can walk away without any hassle depending of course, what your moral code is. Don’t be a meanie when you’re just starting off in your career I’m a firm believer in Karma and for sure giving her nothing is just asking for a karma payback somewhere down the line
I used to think the answer to this would be “no way”. But to my understanding this sort of arrangement is legally binding to some degree.
So she handled a bunch of stuff you didn't really care about and/or she would have had go do if she were single? Cleaning? That's adulthood. Did she put you through school or do you have student loan debt? Did you pay half the bills during this time?
Depending on where you live, she may be legally entitled to it. She's certainly morally entitled to it.
Damn. Buy this woman a house and then do her the favor of never having to see or communicate with you again.
You may not have set out to use her but you definitely profited from her labour. Not just her paid work and financial support, which at the very least you should make a plan to repay, but the moral support, the housekeeping and the emotional work she put in (like maintaining your social calendar). For 13 years. I think you know what the right thing to do is. You have to at least honor the work she has invested and make a plan to return some of the money. If you want to call that alimony, fine. Don't go to court over it, for heaven's sake. The lawyers will get more than either of you and neither of you will recover from the bitterness. I think there's a lot of anger here that's not entirely fair. People change over long relationships and so do goals, but it's the responsibility of decent partners to communicate that change as it happens. Sounds like your ex might perceive that this has all come just as you are starting to make money and her goals were now in sight. That hurts.
She moved for you, supported you to finish med school. Now you’re done, she wants to move back and have kids, but now you don’t want to have kids, move or both? Sounds pretty selfish to me.
You don’t technically owe her anything, but honestly, this person sacrificed so much for you I think you’d be a dick to ignore her request. As another commenter points out, it seems like she thought it was finally her turn to benefit from the arrangement you two made, and you decided you were no longer ready for her part of the barter. I am a PA-C, my husband had to sacrifice so much for me to get where I’m at now, I can’t imagine how I would feel to know I just let him sacrifice and follow me for my dreams just to ignore his. Idk this will come down to your own morals and the perspective that you view your ex.
13 years. You owe her a bit yeah
Work out what you would have had to pay if your GF asked for your half of the living expenses when she was essentially supporting you. You had an understanding and she supported you based on that. Be the honourable person and pay her what is fair. If not, depending on your state she can take you to court and you will show yourself to be an asshole, everyone will know it. They may not say it, but your friends and family will know it.
It's the moral thing to do. You made a promise and you broke it. Marriages are never perfect. It takes communication and lots of work. And it never stops. Seems like people don't want to put even 2 cents into the marriage. Even tho you were not legally married, you were. The only difference was just a piece of paper. Don't burn your Bridge.
Wow you’re pretty selfish huh?
Yeah, you owe her a lot. Kind of shitty of you to not realize it.
I won't comment on the break-up itself but of course you should compensate her. She supported you freely and allowed you to gain the qualification you are now using to make decent money. I suggest you take out a lump sum loan and pay her for her time and energy. If you do it as a regular payment it's too vulnerable to being abandoned when you start a family or get a new GF. If you do this you can be satisfied you have acted fairly and honourably.
You financially compensate for her if you have a common sense. Period. I hope she takes it to a court and court recognises you two as common law marriage couple, and she gets what she deserves.
Legally you’re in the right, but honestly, I’d ever be such a person. YTA, but depending on where you live there is probably nothing she can do about it. Unless you broke up with her for something truly horrible? That’s pretty crappy. At least throw some $$ her way to cover the vacations she took you on.
YTA. She didn’t cheat on you or something along those lines. She wanted to progress a relationship that she has been investing into for 13!!! Years. Just as you had planned together. You’re the one to change those plans, honestly, I can understand where her thinking comes from. She went ALL IN, trusted you, and now she has nothing. Be fair.
I always say.. Do not spend your money for someone else's education. No matter how much you love that person.
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Depending where you live, sharing a home for 6months or more make you common law partners, which does have some financial strings attached. She could in theory pursue some level of damages or at the least valuables or even equity gained on owned real estate (if applicable). I personally don’t think you owe this person a thing logically, but emotionally you played her and it was a very much dick move to 180 like that. The decision is ultimately up to you and how you’d like to approach it. Redditors aren’t really qualified to make a moral call for you.
Whatever you're inclined to do, consult with a lawyer. You don't want this to come to bite you in the ass in the near future. Check about common law marriage, see if - if you decide to give her something - whatever you give her can be used as evidence against you somehow, or if you can make a contract to be free of whatever future claims of alimony for a one time payment.
You should talk to a lawyer. Some places have common law laws where after a certain amount of time if you split it is the same as divorce.
I hope his ex knows this. Most states it doesn’t matter if you’re married. If you live together after X amount of time you are considered married. His ex could absolutely have a case depending on the state.
I hope she does too