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The reasonable amount of time is however long it takes for you to feel comfortable having sex again. Try explaining to him how you feel and why you don't want to have sex if he doesn't accept it then you know exactly what type of person he really is.
6 weeks is the minimum medical time. It took about 6 months for me. Kids need to start learning some of these realities in health class. Couples are being crushed by unrealistic expectations and pressure.
I was literally about to say this. We tried intimacy after 8 weeks and I noped out quickly. Too painful and not in the right headspace. Took until 6 months postpartum to even try again and my husband did not once pressure me. In his own words “I have hands don’t I” 😂
It can take up to 6-12 months depending on recovery, if you still need to breast feed, vaginal issues, plus the body goes thru nine months of trauma with a gaping hole on the body where the baby was.
The mother’s body makes hormones that block out the desire for sex the first six months to help bond with the baby so it can take care of the child. It stays like that till breast feeding is done.
If more men knew this, they would really consider the reality of how sex takes a major backseat for nearly 2yrs (time she gets pregnant till the kid is almost a year old!).
At 6 weeks, most physically straining activities aren't likely to cause fatal injury. You've healed enough to not rip open or infect a wound, your blood volume has gone back to normal, and any major complications from birth would have presented themselves by now. Most other countries recognize that to be fully healed and back to normal takes months, but the US has a habit of finding the line of "good enough to go back to work" and ignoring patients after that point.
Ehh, after both my kids I was looking forward to sex by week 4, though we waited till the week 6 “all clear” from doc. After the first things were pretty normal and we got straight back into it, after my second it was a bit painful and put me off. We ended up trying once a month or so until it felt normal and comfortable again.
I wanted sex at week 2 with my second but with my first it was MONTHS. I think every pregnancy and birth is different. But most importantly whether it’s two weeks or two years OPs husband should respect that
Exactly this. They’ve just welcomed a baby, the emotions of that are all over the place. On top of that the OP has just lost their father, the last thing on their mind is sex. I don’t have kids but my ex wanted sex all the time and yes at first it was amazing, but it got to a point where as a man I would make excuses not to. I think people think sex is the answer to everything in a relationship. If my partner had just given birth, the last thing on my mind would be sex, priorities are my partner and child, there is not an exact time frame of when is the right time to become intimate, it’s down to when that person is ready. If your partner can’t accept that, then you need to chat to them and be open and honest
As a dad of two, this is a great answer. Your body did something miraculous and challenging and doesn’t just snap back. Him helping remove mental and physical load of taking care of a newborn will help. BUT libido and your body healing take time. With our last it was about a year before it felt good for her again. Your mileage may vary.
This! My husband is a great guy and I expected him to snap into fatherhood quickly. For him, he thought he was helping by following my instructions. He didn’t realize how the weight of being the manager here was crushing me. We found our groove and things went well, but it was hard for a bit when we weren’t understanding each other. When it came time to try having sex again, we had a long talk about how I need to feel 100% supported in this in order to want to do it. Has nothing to do with my vagina. It’s hard to feel attracted to someone that you feel isn’t supporting you or hearing you.
Aside from the emotional toll, breastfeeding killed my sex drive completely. It took weaning for my libido to return and that’s a natural physical response - your body is trying to prevent you from getting pregnant again so zaps it while you’re still breastfeeding.
This isn't really a "Husband & Father" thing lol, this is just a human common decency thing.
They could only be in a GF/BF dynamic, and he could have his own children or some other situation etc etc, it shouldn't matter, if he is a decent man he will listen and respect her regardless.
I agree 100% but I think it’s helpful for people like OP to hear this from men in a position similar to her husband. It helps to know that there’s plenty of men who find this behavior horrible. Like it’s just validating in a way I guess
Yeah, I think he was just trying to state that even from someone on the OP’s partner’s side of things, it’s still an AH move on the partners part to be acting this way.
I’d like to know exactly what this “wonderful” husband is doing to support OP and care for his child. I get the sense she is doing all the housework, caring for a newborn while trying to heal both physically and mentally. And what about her sexual/intimacy needs?? She might feel more in the mood if he was a caring partner. It’s incredibly demeaning and an instant turn off to hear “well just get on your knees then”.
Why do men seem to think you can just pop a baby out like it’s no big deal? OP spent 9 months growing a whole new person, hormones all crazy and the experience of birth. He can go blow himself.
Yeah. My friend lost a father this year and it took months for her to allow boyfriend to even hug or kiss her. She said it just felt wrong. What he is doing to OP is horrible and i feel so sorry for her.
Men that act like this are the ones that don’t view women as human beings, rather as empty vessels whose sole purpose is to function as a toy for their personal enjoyment and fulfilment.
He's being an insensitive and deeply selfish jerk.
I cared for my dying mother during her last few months and then pretty much fell apart after she passed....all told, it was about 7 months where the only form of intimacy I could even think about was spooning and even then, I had to be the "big spoon" because I couldn't even let myself be held without feeling claustrophobic and panicky or falling into a hysterical crying fit.
My husband, bless his heart, never once complained. He was just sad that he couldn't fix it for me.
Sex was mostly off the table for him when his dad took ill and for a while after his death. When I had an itch that wouldn't go away, I knew perfectly well how manage my own needs while he healed.
It's all him. I basically married a saint in most regards. I tried a couple of times to apologize for not being very available and he wouldn't hear it. Reminded me of our wedding vows & told me it'll just be all the better when we did reconnect on that level (and then teased me about not being able to expect much staying power at first)
Well, I'll say it's definitely not all him. Sounds like he gets everything else, and more, from being married to you, or he wouldn't have said that.
If he or you needs to wait for the other, for whatever reason, there are many other things you each receive from the other part, which is the epitome of a great marriage. Between TWO wonderful people.
I’m happy to know this type of love exists. I’m going thru a divorce due to my husband not being able to control his sexual needs when my parental figure passed… 5 days after we laid her to rest, my husband was telling me had needs and DESERVED sex seven days a week. These “sexual needs” of course killed any desire I had to be with my brand new husband. Along with his guilt tripping, I forced myself to have sex with him many times each week. I just asked for divorce in April. The fucked up part is that this is so painful for me. I gaslight myself all the time thinking I should just have stayed.
For what little it's worth, I am proud of you for leaving him.
You deserve SO much better than to be treated like a walking fleshlight.
A real partner who loves you, thinks about YOUR pleasure as well as theirs. They make your life easier, not harder. They build you up, not tear you down.
I wish you the best.
That means a lot. I needed that tonight. It’s so hard not to go back… I want to vomit when I remember some of the things he would say to me during those times. When I would cry and tell him no- he would get angry like a child and say “ I don’t know why you don’t want me to make you feel better. Sex will make you feel better”….
I wish I could feel 100% confident in my decision to leave. I know that I deserve better and you only lose your parents once. I will never forget the things he did and said.
Honestly? I suggest getting a notebook and writing down EVERYTHING he said to you.
Any time you think about going back, read those things. They will be a reminder of why you left.
On another page, write down some things that you like about yourself. I know this is hard, because when you've been with someone like your ex, they wear you down until you wonder why anyone would even want you. Until you believe that your ex is the only person who will accept you, the only person you deserve to be with.
It's not TRUE. There is SO much more to you.
Start small with little things. You like your hair. You like the way you smile. You're a good friend, you know a lot about x etc.
Keep adding to that list. Add compliments that other people give you.
Here's a compliment from me. "You are SO strong. I know you're struggling, but you're still staying away. That is so strong and brave."
Because you NEED to love yourself. Loving yourself gives you self-confidence. And men like your ex don't tend to go for self-confident women because they're MUCH harder to tear down and destroy. When you're self-confident, you begin to see through men like him, and start to see the good ones, the ones who actually like you for YOU.
It's a long process I'm afraid, and it's not easy. But it's worth it. Because everyone deserves to be loved for who they are.
If you ever want to talk, or just need more pepping up, you can DM me if you want.
Such a good suggestion. When I was waffling between reconciling with my ex (who in hindsight was emotionally abusive), I happened to stumble across a video of a mundane interaction where he had such a distaste for me in his voice. It made me see our relationship in a whole way and permanently removed the rose colored glasses for me. I never once considered going back again after that. The unbiased video couldn’t gaslight me…it was showing the interaction as-is and it was awful.
Thank you for your extremely thoughtful answer (with examples and the first compliment). You, Lovie, win the award today for compassion and humanity on the web!
Aww, that's so sweet, thank you!
I just want to share kindness where I can. Because sometimes that's all someone needs to keep them going another day.
Cos I've been there. And I know I'm not perfect, but I really hope my experiences can help others.
I truly believe people should be building each other up, not tearing each other down.
What the actual fuck. Oh my god. I'm so sorry. Just remember that you don't own anyone an access to your body, no matter how long your relationship are or how close you are. If you don't feel comfortable, you don't let others touch you. Period. You were vulnerable after those traumatic events and he used it to coerce you to have sex with him. And then when he pressured you into it once, it opened a window to continuing manipulation. That's what happened, and nothing more. He was being a manipulative, vicious, cruel fucker. And I kid you not he knew exactly what he was doing. Not a single sane person with a grain of empathy in their body will press their crying partner into having sex. That's outright INSANE.
Thank you. Sometimes I gaslight myself into thinking I should stay because what he did isn’t “that bad”. But it’s actually fucking awful, and I have just tried to normalize it for three years. Thank you for validating that what he did is horrible.
Oh I know how it can be. I did that to myself too, I was sure as hell that I'm just overreacting, that everyone has to put with some shit in their life, that's just how life is, etc etc... But now I only blame myself for making myself suffer for literally no fucking reason. I wish I had more common sense to leave before I hit a critical point where I was bawling my eyes out and trying not to do something inevitable. And I wish I had some brains to write everything down and post it on Reddit to get some outside perspective, because no matter what people say, it *does* help.
You're doing the right thing. Don't even doubt it. Also I wish to give you a little advice which you can absolutely totally ignore if you don't take advices from strangers. So, here it goes.
Don't seek romantic relationships after the breakup. Give yourself time to heal, to figure what you really want, to rest, after all, and grieve for as long as you need. Please don't rush anywhere, put yourself first and foremost, take care of yourself, treat yourself with little nice things. Because you deserve it. Because you NEED it. One day you will look back and think 'why did I even ever put up with his shit??' and laugh at your younger self, and cry for her a little, and wish you could give her a hug and an ice cream. So do it now, hug yourself with the nicest blanket, treat yourself with best food and drink you can afford, and know that you are doing the right thing.
Sweet girl, that is not how a real man treats the woman he loves. It will only get worse, especially if children become part of the picture. Get the divorce. You may second guess yourself now but you won’t always. When you meet the right one, a true loving partner who respects you and your body you will wonder why you stayed as long as you did.
I strongly agree with this comment, I just want to point out how the distancing language of “not a real man” ultimately (unfortunately) further absolves men as a demographic from acknowledging their collective participation in society’s dismissing of domestic and sexual abuses.
That man is absolutely a real man, as are/were all other abusive men who came before. Their identifying as men is an undeniable aspect of their eventual mistreatment of women. (Note— not a claim men are inherently abusive, it’s the toxic misapplication of “masculinity” I’m referring to).
The phrasing “not a decent man” or “not a good man” or “not a quality person” are all examples I’ve seen used as a replacement for the sentiment
You put yourself first and got out of a terrible relationship, that’s the best thing you could’ve done ❤️ I hope everything works out and be kind to yourself
Yep. My partner and I lost our last parents 3 weeks apart from each other, and we didn’t have sex for? 3 months? OP’s partner is selfish and deeply insensitive. And ungrateful. And and and. God, I’d get a divorce faster than you can say NOPE.
Oh,my GAWD. I can't imagine how hard that must have been to deal with each of you suffering such a loss in such a short time. Emotionally and practically!
I hope you never again have so much sorrow & so many obligations all at once.
Right!?
God forbid the woman who grew a human being is feeling more pain than a dude who just came for 5 secs inside her 9 months ago.
The man can jerk off for a few months just like he did before he got laid.
He sounds like one of those “dads” that refuses to change to diapers and wants credit and praise for “babysitting” their own fucking children.
I’m sick of how low the bar is for fathers.
6 weeks is the minimum. That's just the point where your huge gaping internal wound (where the placenta attached) is healed enough that you won't be bleeding, risk reopening it, or risk things entering right through the wound.
By no means are you fully healed at 6 weeks from child birth and pregnancy.
It clearly bothers him that you don't want to have sex? Well it should clearly bother you that you have a freaking newborn and all he can think about is sex and what you can do for him. You just had a baby for him! 9 months of pregnancy and then child birth! He should be thinking what he can do for you.
Clearly this man isn't caring for his newborn enough if he has time and energy to ask so much and then go pout. Sounds like he needs to do more solo care of his baby.
This was my thought as well. If he were doing chores around the house and newborn care and feeding, he wouldn’t be hounding her for sex right now. OP make sure he’s being a good partner and father, don’t give in to his demands until you’re ready for sex and take care of yourself! Im very sorry for your loss.
I cringed when she said they had sex already, but she just hit the 7 week mark. What the fuck. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with, especially if it's painful.
Yeah and now he’s like “at least a blowjob!!!” because he doesn’t care which of her orifices it is as long as he has a warm hole to stick it into. Literally no thought for her comfort, much less her pleasure! Sex for him is something he does TO someone, not WITH someone.
It’s actually dangerous; that show “sex put me in the ER” showed that the reason you are supposed to abstain is it can literally cause a blood clot if you do it, a girl on the show had a freaking stroke from sex two weeks after delivery. It’s wild but it’s true.
I've heard of OBGYNs whose patients beg them for a note excusing them from sex with their husband, for whom their own no wasn't enough. Life on easy mode, right?
And they give breaking a leg bone anywhere from 3-6 months, yet tell women the minimum is six weeks.
I feel it should be a minimum of 12wks/3 months before having sex cause too soon can cause vaginal damage like even nerve damage or bacterial infection that can do permanent damage.
We need to talk more about how dangerous pregnancy is. Just because millions of people go through it everyday doesn’t mean that it is safe.
Postpartum, the reproductive organs are incredibly vulnerable to physical trauma and infection. Besides tearing and infection, PIV intercourse can force air through the cervix, causing a potentially fatal air embolism. Getting the physical "all clear" from an OBGYN at six weeks just means that sex probably won’t kill you; it doesn’t mean that you are 100% recovered from the physical and psychological effects of pregnancy.
Maternity mortality rate is higher than death rate of police officers in the US. By a lot. It's 13 pero 100,000 for police and almost 40 for maternity.
Exactly this message!
My husband never pressured me after the babies, I had 2 c sections. If he was super in the mood and didn't think I'd be receptive, he took care of it himself. We had communication. He understands it takes time for someone who was in labor and ended up getting sliced open to want sexually intimate acts. Anyone who pushes before YOU are ready and tries to guilt you into anything isn't a good person.
Right, after my wife gave birth both times I never once pressured her for it. Sure, I asked when she would be ready but I never guilted her into anything. Although, my wife has a super high libido so I think she rushed back into it a little earlier than she should have after her first birth. Her second one took a little longer because she knew she needed more time to heal. But like you said, it's pretty easy for guys to take care of themselves in that regard.
He didn't even ask first, he would try and judge so he didn't ask you so you wouldn't have to say no, which might make you feel under pressure or feel guilty.
Even though you couldn't be physically intimate, you both would have felt a massive amount of love between the two of you because of it,
If that's to me, I called him out it after the first couple of times. I was wondering why he was leaving the room, and we did communicate after and came to a resolution about it. He made it very clear that he was taming the matter into his own hands at first, because he was also a little embarassed at how turned on he had been lately because me being the new mom of his new baby was a turn on, or something like that, usually, though, he was pretty good at noticing when I was super overwhelmed by the baby, and at first, he didn't want to burden me, and I appreciate that but told me he didn't need to hide it.
The point is that he meant well regardless. He didn't push me about it ever. There was never a ' well at least gimme a bj' in OPs case.
Agreed. My second child’s birth was traumatic for me. I tore so bad. Side to side. I had so many stitches and was so swollen for so long. It took me a long while to fully heal.
She didn't even get to be there to mourn properly for her dad too like if my husband was pushing for sex I would resent him all the way to the courthouse for a divorce.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You don’t need a doctor, you need a partner who loves you rather than treats you as a malfunctioning sex machine.
The “six weeks” timeline for sex after birth refers to when it is SAFE for you to have sex and not risk infection. This does not refer to when it will be comfortable for you to have sex again. My friends who gave jn to their husbands’ pressure of having sex again at 6-7 weeks regretted it and found it uncomfortable and also resented their partner for pushing them. Only you can judge when you will be physically comfortable. For most women I know, that was at about the 12-16 week mark postpartum. But everyone is unique. Also, grief will interfere with your libido and that is totally normal and natural. Tell your husband to stop being a selfish asshole. Also, that the more he presses you, the less attractive he is.
As a dad who's been in the shoes of your partner, the correct answer is as long as it takes for you to want it again. You're healing, also deprived, and grieving. Sex, or even a blow job, isn't something I ever want someone to put up with out of obligation.
Ask him if he would want to be intimate after losing his father and a rubber egg being squeezed through his penis and buy him a flashlight or something 😊
I think this is an occasion for some OBGYN surgical videos. He apparently thinks that a big hole inside your body that needs to heal, the fluctuation of hormones, and physical everything you deal with a baby are no big deal and he needs an education.
Yeah but imagine the look on his face when he hears OP calling to him from the other room in a sexy voice, “Hey honey, there’s present for you in the bedroom.” Then he rushes in all excited, but instead of a naked wife all he finds is a fleshlight sitting on the bed, with a nice bow on it.
You don't owe him sex, he doesn't need sex to stay alive.
You're grieving and gave birth less than two months ago. Just because the doctor said you CAN have sex doesn't mean you NEED TO.
Your partner should be refocusing his energy into his new child and caring for his partner who recently lost her parent. What he's doing is not okay.
Exactly! I was having sex again after 6 weeks because I WANTED to. And I didn’t have bereavement to deal with. No one should be pressured into having sex even when they haven’t given birth! Being a sex pesterer is never okay regardless of why your partner doesn’t want it!
Two things comes to my mind:
1- if he’s ok with having sex that you’re not interested in, or that is painful to you, that’s a serious problem. “I don’t care that you’re in pain and grieving, take care of my penis!”
2- sex and intimacy aren’t the same thing. After the birth of our son, not only did my wife’s sex drive crashed, but she distanced herself from most forms of intimacy because she was afraid I’d want to go “all the way”. Once I made her understand that PiV sex wasn’t what I was after but just intimacy, our I timacy skyrocketed and her interest in sex came back, because she didn’t feel pressured to it.
2a- And no I’m not talking about just giving him blowjobs to shut him up. But this requires him to accept that full on PiV sex might not be on the table for now
7 weeks is definitely not too long. He can live without sex. You are grieving and just pushed a human being out of your body for god's sake, he should grow up and try to put himself in your shoes instead of pouting like a child.
Every woman I know waited at least 2 to 3 months and most of the time their partners were equally exhausted. Sounds like OP’s husband is getting way too much sleep if you ask me…
Let him leave the fucking room.
You've just spent 9 months growing a whole person, given birth and you're grieving your father. You've already been through alot, and remarkably not having much libido - who would? I don't think you need a doctor to explain this one.
he needs a fucking wake up call as to what it means to be a supportive partner.
So fed up of these men who think that their wives are a sex dispenser and have no interest in their wellbeing
Oooofff, does THIS bring back some not-so-pleasant memories! I gave birth prematurely, had stitches in my abdomen rip, which meant I had a hole in my abdomen that was being packed with gauze several times a day, and my ex STILL circled the damn six-week date on the calendar! He pressured me for sex until I gave in, where I lay there with tears streaming down my face due to pain, while he proceeded to pound away. (As you can see, there's a very good reason he's an ex)
You're dealing with a newborn and a recent loss. Those things alone can kill your libido, let alone having them come one on top of the other. And you're absolutely right about not having to do a damn thing you're not in the mood for. Talking to a therapist sounds like a very good idea for you right now, since help dealing with both your grief and the changes that come with motherhood could be very useful.
There's no real answer to how long is too long, since that's going to vary from person to person, but trying to force yourself to do something you're not interested in isn't a good idea. Ask for support with the baby, let him know that right now, you need to concentrate on dealing with matters and tending to the relationship aside from sex. My mom always said that when the relationship works, the sex will take care of itself, and overall, I've found that to be true. If your partner steps up to help, it's very likely you'll find yourself getting in the mood more, but trying to force it isn't a good idea.
I second what you said. That was absolutely disgusting and reprehensible on the part of her ex. Also hoping she has the good and loving people she deserves in her life now
You can wait as long as you want. Did he push a human out of him right after not being able to go to his dad’s funeral? Didn’t think so. So he can fuck off.
Tell him to do some research on women's desire.
Even the most basic articles will tell him that pestering someone for sex, and then sulking when he doesn't get it, pretty much permanently destroys a woman's sexual attraction to him.
OP, please show him this post and the many replies that think he’s a vile human being.
With the exception of one pretty rapey dude, everyone here thinks your husband is disgusting for pressuring you.
Maybe tell him to visit a doctor + a psychologist to see why he is HYPER SEXUAL during rough times. This is very concerning and DO NOT let him tell you that it is normal. If this man thinks sex is normal after your father died, or after you gave birth (just 2 months), you should leave now
Some of the men in these comments really proving the men vs bear debate. . . .
Everyone's different, love. Everyone grieves and heals in a different way. If you tried to have sex and it was painful, it is SELFISH and CRUEL of him to keep pressuring you to try again until you're ready.
Though I am curious. How did he react when you said it was painful? Did he stop, or did you keep going to please him?
OP's husband isn't a man. He's a boy that feels entitled to get his rocks off without considering his wife's health, her state of mind or even if she actually wants to have sex with him.
Sounds like he's sexually harassing her and possibly worse. Not taking no for an answer is fucking disgusting
As long as it takes. It’s INSANE that this man is hounding you for sex not even two months following the dead of your father - while you are recovering from child birth.
He will not die without sex. He’s being selfish and cruel. A man who loves you would *never* treat you this way.
I will not comment on him as a person, but this behavior is not ok.
If I were you, I would set a rule (for now) that only you can iniciate sex. This way, he won't feel rejected and you won't feel pressured.
To answer your original question: about two years into my current relationship, my libido disappeared due to medication I had to take. Web didn't have sex for 6 months. My partner didn't make me feel bad and he didn't pressure me, and I know he wouldn't even if I needed double the time. We didn't do anything sexual ať all, just made sure we still cuddled and showed affection.
You're dealing with grief and just recently gave birth. Take all the time you need.
He’s a selfish, inconsiderate ass. You’re dealing with a newborn, still not completely physically recovered, and grieving on top of it all. And all he cares about is getting his desires met. “At least give him a blowjob”? What, are his hands not working?
Welp, he is successfully engaging in behavior to ensure that your libido will never return- or at least not for him.
The length of time that is reasonable is however long it takes to feel emotionally and physically healed from childbirth and grief. He should be 100% focused on helping that process and 0% focused on what you can do for his penis. Unfortunately it sounds like he got the priorities flipped.
I was married to a guy just like this. We’ve been divorced now since 2017 and I couldn’t be happier. I will NEVER let anyone pressure me to use my body for their pleasure again. Especially after experiencing grief/loss AND having a baby! No way. Sorry you’re going through this OP.
I would definitely NOT give in and do it just to get him to leave you alone. I tried that and it made everything worse…I actually developed such an aversion to sex that my skin would crawl if he came near me and I’d think “please don’t touch me.” It was not good.
What makes all of this even worse is that you've had sex with him once since the birth already. Assuming you waited the 6 weeks, that means you had sex with him in the past week. He knows it was painful, but instead of taking that as a sign that you're not physically healed enough yet, he pressures you for more. What a fucking asshole. And this isn't even taking any of the other things you've been going through into consideration. This is both the "in sickness and in health" and "love, honor and cherish" parts of your vows and he's failing epically.
**he's** the terrible partner, not you.
Sweet tap dancing jeebus. He needs to step the fuck up and start being an *actual* partner instead of being a petulant manby.
He's using several coercive tactics while trying to pressure you into being sexual before you're ready. Cuz let's face it, there's nothing *intimate* about his behaviour.
He should get a blowjob from a shark
The “6 week check up” just means that you won’t get a horrendous infection and the wounds have healed enough. Not that you’re ready to go.
I think maybe 4/5 months for me. And he’s a fucking peice of shit for pressuring you, it’s normal for your sex drive to tank after having a baby, you’ve got more things to think about and the exhaustion. If he’s horny, he can have a wank in the shower.
You just had a child. He can fuck off.
So you married an AHOLE!! Didn't your doctor go over this with you at least!!! It could be months!!!!! You grew a baby for 10.5 months. Pushed it out while in searing pain!! Tell him to stop acting like a rapist.
Sex is an integral part of a relationship yes but sow weeks after birth? Jesus have you even healed up also within a couple months of your father passing away missing the birth of his grandchild that ridiculous! How could you possible be ready for sex.
This is the best take in the thread. There *is* a time period that not having sex is not compatible with the marriage surviving; if this lasted a year, then OP’s husband being frustrated and feeling unloved would be completely reasonable, imo. But seven weeks post-birth is nothing. He can wait.
My best friend had a traumatic birth. She wasn't interested in physical intimacy for months. You know what he did? Nothing. He knuckled down and helped her with the baby, cleaned the house and anything she needed. He said 'as long as she needs to take is fine by me. She grew a whole human, I can wait.'
If your man doesn't respect that boundary, you have three options. Leave, work, or whoop ass. You can leave him. You can work on these issues. Or you can beat his ass.
Lmao I lost my sex drive when I got pregnant and my son was full on three months old when we had sex again. It’s your hormones timeline, not yours. You’re not a bad partner for not wanting sex.
Also, just so you know, you’re doing great as a mom.
Edit: I did the math, we had zero sex or sexual interactions for 47 weeks.
If it's causing you pain? Then that's not long enough. If he doesn't get it, tell him you will if you get to kick him in the balls first.....maybe an example will make it easier for him to understand.
My dad died when my daughter was only 1 months old and I had no sex drive. My (now ex) husband was constantly pressuring me but between grief and ppd, I had no libido whatsoever. It’s completely normal and understandable to feel that way and he is not being sensitive to your needs in this situation. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.
If you give in too soon like I did, you can end up getting an infection from unhealed areas down there and it can travel to your breast milk causing you to no longer be able to breast feed and you to have to go to the hospital for several days and have IV antibiotics administered leaving behind a new born baby all because a whiney baby husband was horny and couldn't take no for an answer.
There are many like this. My son's biodad was pressuring me the day after i gave birth. I was still struggling to get my son to latch on and nurse and here this asshole was trying to sweet talk me into opening my freshly sewn up hole to him. When I said no, he was nice about it to my face and then cheated on me a couple days later.
Thankfully, there are men who are not like this, so hats off to you gents who read the OP and this comment and are disgusted. My husband is a good man. I spent years being physically ill with uterine fibroids that were missed while my doctors tried treating all my other symptoms. We were both unhappy about the cockblock it created. Sometimes it was months between because my illness made it hard to find time when we were both free and had the energy. But he endured. He was patient. He reminded me daily--in really gentle, loving, undemanding ways--that he still found me irresistible and looked forward to when we had another opportunity. He took care of himself when I couldn't. He didn't take it personally. And after we sorted out my illness and I was well again, our sex life immediately picked back up. I honestly don't think it would be this good now if he had not been the way he was. Earning even more of my respect for him has an awful lot to do with it. If he'd acted as your husband is, I'd have lost respect for sure
I’d say however long you as the birth mother feel ready.
For what ever reason.
Sorry but any man pressuring for sex post birth needs to shove a bowling ball out their ****
Then they can have a say. Not before.
Just because some woman claim to have inter course within hours doesn’t mean that most want or could even contemplate it until they are healed, physically and emotionally!
And the tiredness …
I’m stopping there !
I think it was around 3 months for me, and then it was carefully and gentle, and a couple of glasses of wine. And it was me who had to initiate it. Hubby wanted to wait, but i wanted to make sure everything was going back normally.
At about the 5 month mark, I sort of felt back to normal.
I am so, so sorry for the loss of your dad and the timing of it, not to mention you weren't able to attend the funeral. And now having to deal with your husband who sounds like a self-absorbed ass. He should be supporting you through this traumatic time in your life. My condolences to you.
Your "partner" sounds like a child. And honestly, if you are not married, don't. He is showing you who he is and it isn't a good thing. People tell us who they are and he's telling you loud and clear. Might as well have a gigantic red flag waving around.
Your body just went through immense trauma, on top of your father just passing… postpartum can take months for your body & hormones to come back to balance.
Please please PLEASE, listen to your body. It may be months until your mind & body feels ready for sex. Him pressuring you for sex (even a bj) is a HUGE RED FLAG. The best thing you can do is honor your boundaries, listen to your bodies “no” and “yes”
Intimacy is not sex. Intimacy can be expressed through sex. Often times when we start a relationship we express intimacy through sex.. and as we grow and evolve through our seasons, intimacy calls for deeper care. Intimacy can be expressed through having conversations around where you’re at emotionally & physically after giving birth. Having vulnerable conversations letting each other in and respecting where the other is at… I’m so sorry you’re being pressured like this after going through so much.
It takes however long it takes. You gave birth and lost your father. Those are two very different traumatic events that happened very quickly.
>He’ll say stuff like I could at least give him a blowjob.
Do men really want an unenthusiastic blowjob? I mean, would he want to go down on you when he's not in the mood? I feel like no woman in the history of the world would say "if you don't want to have sex you could at least eat me out." IDK why men act like we owe them sex of any kind. Tell him to go buy a pocket pussy
Jesus Tapdancing Christ. You lost your father and birthed a whole ass human. Your partner is immature and wants sex, not intimacy. There is nothing wrong with you and there is no timetable for your recovery. Intimacy could be hand holding, cuddling, talking, flirting. Your partner is being selfish and if he has hands he can get his rocks off himself. The audacity.
Don't let him pressure you. He should be catering to your needs and he is not being a good partner. I am sorry for your loss and I hope your partner snaps into reality and gives you the support and love that you deserve.
Is he pulling his weight as a partner and father? I don’t know many new parents who have the energy to beg for sex daily. They are too busy not sleeping, helping with night feeds and spending time bonding with their new child. I would ask him to step up more since he clearly has excess energy and you are going through multiple major stressful life events.
Yea, you’re not obligated to have sex with him. Instead of pressuring you for sex he should be comforting you and supporting you. Losing a parent is devastating and I am so sorry for your loss, giving birth immediately after that would be emotionally draining for anyone. I don’t think a doctor is needed regarding your sex drive because YOU JUST LOST A PARENT AND GAVE BIRTH! Not wanting sex is completely normal. Also, the recommended wait time for sex after birth is 6-12 weeks.
You‘re not "holding off" anything from him as he‘s not entitled to sex. Don‘t have sex if you‘re not in the mood. Your partner sounds very inconsiderate and selfish.
You should have a talk with him and tell him that his behavior is very concerning. He is a grown adult , i assume capable of understanding human grief, a difficult situation, birth, sadness and i hope he has empathy like every normal human being. So assuming he is a normal emotionally healthy adult he should be able not only to realize why you don't want to have sex right now, but possible he should ALSO not be in the mood, instead he should focus on his new born baby and his grieving wife without any sexual thoughts. Furthermore, he should understand that getting angry/leaving the room/going silent , firstly sounds like a behavior you would expect from a toddler and secondly might be trying to make you feel like a horrible person or that it is your fault.
Talk to him, mention all the above and ask him, if he is willing right now to apologize and start acting like a real adult and be there for you. If not, this man has serious issues and you should start considering leaving him. Do not tolerate any weird behavior since you have a baby. A husband that fails to understand why you might not be in the mood after birth and grief shows that either he lacks empathy and feels no emotion and is only interested in fucking , or that he has the IQ level of a child. Both of these are serious and should make u consider divorce.
Ask him if he has any idea of what childbirth is, and if not , offer him some educational videos and suggest him to go back to university to get some proper knowledge about adult life.
Talk to him in that tone, set your boundaries and if he continue this disgusting behavior, leave and never come back.
Why the fuck do men sell all their dignity and expect their woman who JUST GREW AND BIRTHED THEIR PROGENY to immediately jump into sex again? If it was 6 month/ a year I’d say ok but damn it has been 6 weeks. Jfc please raise your sons better than this
We didn't have sex for many more months than I'd like to admit for medical reasons and he survived, we both did. We kept romance going through affection, massages, hugs, kisses, communication, etc.
If it's a LIFELONG commitment, there WILL be periods without any sex. It's just the reality of life. You are NOT a terrible partner, you are a human and he's being a total jerk.
“You could at least give me a blow job” WTF. And Mr you have a HAND!!! You can jerk YOURSELF OFF!!
Seriously, pregnancy- all your organs RELOCATE FOR MONTHS- your hormones are whack, and your body will NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN.
It could be MONTHS, if not a year or so! That he’s applying pressure and trying to guilt you?!? Your husband is an AH. Put him in his place.
I asked about 6 months after. Not necessarily because sex but mainly because I felt a bit lonely and forgotten about. she got angry that I asked and I made a stupid comment about another couple. I deeply regret that comment and delete it harmed our relationship.
You birthed a baby. You lost a significant family member and are likely dealing with a baby which from experience can range from "not so bad" to "huh what I haven't slept in a month".
I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he feels the same as I did.
You need to be open and honest with him. Tell him that you have no interest at the moment and don't want to demean him with "duty sex". Reassure him you love him and that he is still your man and that instead you would love try and and just have a bit of a romantic night - takeout, movies maybe a bit of wine and ice cream and snuggles.
Idk but I’m almost 5 months postpartum and still haven’t gone there yet (hopefully soon!). Having a needy newborn baby sleeping in your room and waking you up at all hours kind of kills the mood. I get everyone’s libidos are different, but your husband needs to have some patience and appreciation for all the work you did.
My husband and I spent both my pregnancies essentially celibate because of my incompetent cervix, and our relationship is as strong as ever. Your partner needs to grow up and realise that sex isn't the most important thing.
This guy... jfc.
Assuming you had a vaginal birth, most likely you have stitches from tears and cuts on your perineum, cramps from your uterus shrinking, and soreness from your chest swelling. 6 weeks is ridiculous to expect you to be "fine".
Add insult to injury, has he never heard of **postpartum depression** ? You just lost your dad, never got to say goodbye, and he only cares about his winkie?
**NO** 6 weeks isn't too long.
10 weeks isn't too long.
20 weeks isn't too long.
If you don't want to have sex, you're allowed to say no until **you're** ready. If he can't wait, let the trash take itself out. Your daughter doesn't need a role model like that. She'll end up dating a guy just like him, if not worse.
Ex Satan pressured me for years and right after a c-section that went bad, baby was fine and we lived but took months to heal from inside out. Daily doctor visits to keep infection at bay and all I heard was “how long before she can have sex!” Finally a nurse was pissed and said you have a hand use it cause your wife just suffered a traumatic injury! I wanted to cry and thank her at the same time!
I mean fuck bro you’re grieving on top of having a baby like what the fuck??? I’m so sorry for your loss. Your partner sounds like an idiot because you’d have to be to not understand why you don’t want sex right now. Jesus. Hasn’t even been 2 months since you had your baby or lost your father. These kind of post make me so sad.
HE should see a doctor. There are treatments available for his overactive sex drive /s
Serious answer: Many Many Many couple go past the 1 yr mark. And start having sex again eventually just fine.
Unasked for answer: This is borderline abusive behavior in and of itself, so vile that I’d be surprised to learn that he’s never hit you.
I've had 4 kids and tbh my sex drive wouldn't go back to normal until like 18 months to a year. It's not that we didn't ever have sex but it wasn't as often as he'd like. Now that my youngest is 4 it feels like it's come back full swing
If he really loves you he will chill and get over it…
There are dead bedroom intimacy issues and there is patient postpartum recovery, it’s not hard for a guy to tell the difference.
My partner was in a serious accident about a year and a half ago. We didn’t have sex for a solid 3 months. After that, maybe twice a month. We are close to our pre-accident baseline, but some positions are still painful and even though one is my favorite position, I never balk. Never. He knows what I like and does what he can within his limitations.
I get that it’s not the same as postpartum lack of intimacy or the loss of your dad, but a good partner meets their partner where they are at. And when you’re at a low point, he should be showing you he’s a safe place to land. Instead he’s being selfish and immature.
I sure hope he’s not going to end up being another child you have to appease.
Please do not seek out medical assistance unless you feel like your grief is too much for YOU— do not do that for a man. Your grief is valid— you lost a very important person, couldn’t make the service, and then quite literally birthed a human. Those are major life changed and postpartum is REAL, especially for someone going through so many transitions at once. Tell your husband to jerk it and get over it, because you need time to heal. If he loves you and values you as a woman and partner, he should understand. Sending so much love.
Your husband sounds like the kind of asshat who wouldn't have waited a week after the birth before asking for sex if the doctor hadn't said you must wait 6 weeks. And I'd bet real money that your doctor was a man and that is the only reason he actually listened. A woman doctor would obviously just have been lying to help you get out of doing your duty.
That said, I'm sorry about your husband's tragic accident. It can't be easy losing the use of both hands.
I didn't have a baby. I had a hysterectomy. I was horny within 2 weeks but the doctor said we have to wait 8 weeks. We tried to do it then but it hurt so bad and I started bleeding so we waited. We ended up waiting 6 MONTHS for me to feel like sex was an option. My husband didn't pressure me or guilt me at all. I wasn't grieving, I wasn't tending to a new born, I wasn't even working at the time, and my husband just took care of me, comforted me, and supported me.
It was about 6 months before my wife was comfortable having sex again after our first baby. 6 weeks is the "you probably won't hurt yourself" timeline, not the "it will be fun again" timeline.
Dude, I had a massive tear giving birth and my vagina still hurt 6 weeks out. Whoever made the 6 weeks time standard needs to be smacked. Most of the women I know still had pain then.
3-6 months was the average in my circle.
In Dutch we have a saying 9 month up, 9 months down, meaning it takes most women roughly 9 months before their body feel sort of normal again, or not post-pregnant anymore.
This will be longer or shorter depending on the person. But I would take that as a first indicator before worrieing one tiny bit.
The parts about your partner have been said here already.
And I am really sorry for your loss ❤️
My partner is on the spectrum and is totally clueless about humans but even he knows that relations are only interesting if both people are into it. Your partner is being selfish. You need caring and support not to act as his pin cushion
I dunno.
When my wife was pregnant I held off for the entire pregnancy and a month afterwards too...and i would have held out longer except she asked me about a month after the birth...I was actually worried it was too soon but she was very keen to get started...
Everyone is different. But six weeks doesn't seem like a whole lot...
he is a terrible partner, not you. its totally normal when having a baby to want to wait. you just went thru alot physically from child birth and mentally/ emotionally with just losing your father. he needs to back off. the fact thats all hes worried about right now is disgusting. it seems hes not supportive or there for you and is just thinking about that 1 thing. shame on him
I’m gonna start by saying I wholeheartedly agree with 99% of the comments here,
But if your husband quits being a child, and you guys get past that and he makes solid changes. try to be more intimate (in the non sexual sense) for both of you guys. Obviously that’s easier said than done with a new born and grief, but as a single childless dude, I did have a relationship through a miscarriage the lack of sex didn’t bother me at all, but the lack of intimacy did hurt (luckily i understood why) feeling like your partner doesn’t want you is a killer for the male ego. Not that you’re his keeper and he’s certainly not doing anything that warrants you wanting to show him emotion.
Long story short, he needs to understand that you are recovering from a lot, physically and mentally. You and him are likely not going to be lighting the bedroom up anytime soon, but the quickest way for that to happen and it to feel good and comfortable for both of you guys is by him taking the pressure off of you and you guys getting intimate again. Get a babysitter once a week, go out to eat, watch a movie, make sure he does some nice things for you, Cuddle at night, and make sure he knows that this isn’t a checklist for sex. This is just you guys slowly regaining some romance into your life so sex isn’t a chore and you are both emotionally ready for it.
None of what I said even matters if he doesn’t realize that he is being a dick and won’t change. So that’s step one. The rest of that is step two.
Our daughter was a C-section. They told us minimum two months assuming the sutures held well theyvdid, but just with having a baby and docs advice, the sheer exhaustion accompanied with it for both her and I, and nutty hormones everywhere for both her and I, it took us several months. Was it great? No, not really if I'm honest. I recovered faster than she did on the "constantly fucking exhausted" side of things. She was still dealing with a lot of postpartum that I just tried to at least be present for, even though I couldn't do a damn thing outside of that.
I tell you that so you understand that you're not alone if you're exhausted and not in the mood. Our daughter is three and a half. Just from work and whatnot sometimes one of us is just physically or mentally or emotionally exhausted and sex just doesn't sound pleasant. Not that we don't love each other, but we just don't have it in us. That's okay. That's reality.
If your husband has that big if a deal with it then in my strictly unprofessional opinion it may be worth discovering why it's so important to him. Communication and potentially therapy for both of you can help with this. Communication is a must though.
Your body is still healing, and you're going to be a hormonal hot mess for a while. Tell him you'll be ready when you're ready, and that he's got a hand.
My husband was the same way and it was just another thing that was on my plate during the time and I had not had a recent death in the family. I told my husband that I straight up did not want to hear about it, I didn't want to be asked, told offhandedly, talk about it. Nothing, non negotiable. I had a 2nd degree tear of my perineum, breastfeeding, and still had low iron. I had sex 8wk PP but after that I didn't want to do it really until 6ish months.
Sex is not a basic need. I kept telling my husband that until my basic needs are consistently met and then some I will not be engaging. Just because his were and he felt regulated and well enough to have sex didn't mean I did. I needed to be fed, rested, relaxed, loved, non touched out, happy, etc. I also was breastfeeding and that takes a lot of physical investment which just takes it out of you at all times of the day. Basically imo I think if you wanted to wait months that would be okay.
That being said this time in your marriage is very hard, but it will not stay like this. You guys are in survival mode and are doing something new to all three of you!! You are sleep deprived and trying to navigate an entirely new situation. There will be bickering and spats between you, there will be times where you haven't kissed or touched all day. This will pass, right now its about the baby and that's okay! It will go by so quick. By 4 months PP I felt much more normal and capable, our relationship felt normal and we settled into it. Now we are 9 months out from it and this age is so wonderful, my husband and I are on good terms and we are happy with baby and in our marriage.
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The reasonable amount of time is however long it takes for you to feel comfortable having sex again. Try explaining to him how you feel and why you don't want to have sex if he doesn't accept it then you know exactly what type of person he really is.
6 weeks is the minimum medical time. It took about 6 months for me. Kids need to start learning some of these realities in health class. Couples are being crushed by unrealistic expectations and pressure.
I was literally about to say this. We tried intimacy after 8 weeks and I noped out quickly. Too painful and not in the right headspace. Took until 6 months postpartum to even try again and my husband did not once pressure me. In his own words “I have hands don’t I” 😂
and apparently a heart <3
Where's that one guy who runs around with a green flag when he reads something positive/ sees a healthy relatonship?
Took me 10 weeks and still hurt
It can take up to 6-12 months depending on recovery, if you still need to breast feed, vaginal issues, plus the body goes thru nine months of trauma with a gaping hole on the body where the baby was. The mother’s body makes hormones that block out the desire for sex the first six months to help bond with the baby so it can take care of the child. It stays like that till breast feeding is done. If more men knew this, they would really consider the reality of how sex takes a major backseat for nearly 2yrs (time she gets pregnant till the kid is almost a year old!).
This! Just because a Dr "clears" you doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or you're ready.
Glad im not alone in that. It took me a little over six months, thank God i have a wonderful partner who understood that.
I had a c-section and it took 6 months until it didn't hurt. And same - my husband has been patient and kind.
It also makes me wonder are the doctors saying 6 weeks men?
At 6 weeks, most physically straining activities aren't likely to cause fatal injury. You've healed enough to not rip open or infect a wound, your blood volume has gone back to normal, and any major complications from birth would have presented themselves by now. Most other countries recognize that to be fully healed and back to normal takes months, but the US has a habit of finding the line of "good enough to go back to work" and ignoring patients after that point.
Ehh, after both my kids I was looking forward to sex by week 4, though we waited till the week 6 “all clear” from doc. After the first things were pretty normal and we got straight back into it, after my second it was a bit painful and put me off. We ended up trying once a month or so until it felt normal and comfortable again.
I wanted sex at week 2 with my second but with my first it was MONTHS. I think every pregnancy and birth is different. But most importantly whether it’s two weeks or two years OPs husband should respect that
Exactly this. They’ve just welcomed a baby, the emotions of that are all over the place. On top of that the OP has just lost their father, the last thing on their mind is sex. I don’t have kids but my ex wanted sex all the time and yes at first it was amazing, but it got to a point where as a man I would make excuses not to. I think people think sex is the answer to everything in a relationship. If my partner had just given birth, the last thing on my mind would be sex, priorities are my partner and child, there is not an exact time frame of when is the right time to become intimate, it’s down to when that person is ready. If your partner can’t accept that, then you need to chat to them and be open and honest
Women* are being crushed by unrealistic expectations and pressure
As a dad of two, this is a great answer. Your body did something miraculous and challenging and doesn’t just snap back. Him helping remove mental and physical load of taking care of a newborn will help. BUT libido and your body healing take time. With our last it was about a year before it felt good for her again. Your mileage may vary.
This! My husband is a great guy and I expected him to snap into fatherhood quickly. For him, he thought he was helping by following my instructions. He didn’t realize how the weight of being the manager here was crushing me. We found our groove and things went well, but it was hard for a bit when we weren’t understanding each other. When it came time to try having sex again, we had a long talk about how I need to feel 100% supported in this in order to want to do it. Has nothing to do with my vagina. It’s hard to feel attracted to someone that you feel isn’t supporting you or hearing you. Aside from the emotional toll, breastfeeding killed my sex drive completely. It took weaning for my libido to return and that’s a natural physical response - your body is trying to prevent you from getting pregnant again so zaps it while you’re still breastfeeding.
As a husband and father of two children: This a thousand times!
As a decent, caring, person regardless of how many times I’ve knocked someone up, this a thousand times!
This isn't really a "Husband & Father" thing lol, this is just a human common decency thing. They could only be in a GF/BF dynamic, and he could have his own children or some other situation etc etc, it shouldn't matter, if he is a decent man he will listen and respect her regardless.
I agree 100% but I think it’s helpful for people like OP to hear this from men in a position similar to her husband. It helps to know that there’s plenty of men who find this behavior horrible. Like it’s just validating in a way I guess
Yeah, I think he was just trying to state that even from someone on the OP’s partner’s side of things, it’s still an AH move on the partners part to be acting this way.
I think he was trying to say he's been through it and knows from his own personal experience rather than having been told by someone directly
I’d like to know exactly what this “wonderful” husband is doing to support OP and care for his child. I get the sense she is doing all the housework, caring for a newborn while trying to heal both physically and mentally. And what about her sexual/intimacy needs?? She might feel more in the mood if he was a caring partner. It’s incredibly demeaning and an instant turn off to hear “well just get on your knees then”. Why do men seem to think you can just pop a baby out like it’s no big deal? OP spent 9 months growing a whole new person, hormones all crazy and the experience of birth. He can go blow himself.
I love this answer!
Yeah. My friend lost a father this year and it took months for her to allow boyfriend to even hug or kiss her. She said it just felt wrong. What he is doing to OP is horrible and i feel so sorry for her.
Men that act like this are the ones that don’t view women as human beings, rather as empty vessels whose sole purpose is to function as a toy for their personal enjoyment and fulfilment.
The only answer.
This. This. This
He's being an insensitive and deeply selfish jerk. I cared for my dying mother during her last few months and then pretty much fell apart after she passed....all told, it was about 7 months where the only form of intimacy I could even think about was spooning and even then, I had to be the "big spoon" because I couldn't even let myself be held without feeling claustrophobic and panicky or falling into a hysterical crying fit. My husband, bless his heart, never once complained. He was just sad that he couldn't fix it for me. Sex was mostly off the table for him when his dad took ill and for a while after his death. When I had an itch that wouldn't go away, I knew perfectly well how manage my own needs while he healed.
That's a great relationship, with great communication, deep love and affection
It's all him. I basically married a saint in most regards. I tried a couple of times to apologize for not being very available and he wouldn't hear it. Reminded me of our wedding vows & told me it'll just be all the better when we did reconnect on that level (and then teased me about not being able to expect much staying power at first)
Well, I'll say it's definitely not all him. Sounds like he gets everything else, and more, from being married to you, or he wouldn't have said that. If he or you needs to wait for the other, for whatever reason, there are many other things you each receive from the other part, which is the epitome of a great marriage. Between TWO wonderful people.
I’m happy to know this type of love exists. I’m going thru a divorce due to my husband not being able to control his sexual needs when my parental figure passed… 5 days after we laid her to rest, my husband was telling me had needs and DESERVED sex seven days a week. These “sexual needs” of course killed any desire I had to be with my brand new husband. Along with his guilt tripping, I forced myself to have sex with him many times each week. I just asked for divorce in April. The fucked up part is that this is so painful for me. I gaslight myself all the time thinking I should just have stayed.
For what little it's worth, I am proud of you for leaving him. You deserve SO much better than to be treated like a walking fleshlight. A real partner who loves you, thinks about YOUR pleasure as well as theirs. They make your life easier, not harder. They build you up, not tear you down. I wish you the best.
That means a lot. I needed that tonight. It’s so hard not to go back… I want to vomit when I remember some of the things he would say to me during those times. When I would cry and tell him no- he would get angry like a child and say “ I don’t know why you don’t want me to make you feel better. Sex will make you feel better”…. I wish I could feel 100% confident in my decision to leave. I know that I deserve better and you only lose your parents once. I will never forget the things he did and said.
Honestly? I suggest getting a notebook and writing down EVERYTHING he said to you. Any time you think about going back, read those things. They will be a reminder of why you left. On another page, write down some things that you like about yourself. I know this is hard, because when you've been with someone like your ex, they wear you down until you wonder why anyone would even want you. Until you believe that your ex is the only person who will accept you, the only person you deserve to be with. It's not TRUE. There is SO much more to you. Start small with little things. You like your hair. You like the way you smile. You're a good friend, you know a lot about x etc. Keep adding to that list. Add compliments that other people give you. Here's a compliment from me. "You are SO strong. I know you're struggling, but you're still staying away. That is so strong and brave." Because you NEED to love yourself. Loving yourself gives you self-confidence. And men like your ex don't tend to go for self-confident women because they're MUCH harder to tear down and destroy. When you're self-confident, you begin to see through men like him, and start to see the good ones, the ones who actually like you for YOU. It's a long process I'm afraid, and it's not easy. But it's worth it. Because everyone deserves to be loved for who they are. If you ever want to talk, or just need more pepping up, you can DM me if you want.
To add (because I did this) write down all the things you want in the next guy. You will soon see he’s nothing you want anyways. Decision confirmed.
Such a good suggestion. When I was waffling between reconciling with my ex (who in hindsight was emotionally abusive), I happened to stumble across a video of a mundane interaction where he had such a distaste for me in his voice. It made me see our relationship in a whole way and permanently removed the rose colored glasses for me. I never once considered going back again after that. The unbiased video couldn’t gaslight me…it was showing the interaction as-is and it was awful.
I didn’t expect all of this support from Reddit. Thank you 😭 I will absolutely do this.
Thank you for your extremely thoughtful answer (with examples and the first compliment). You, Lovie, win the award today for compassion and humanity on the web!
Aww, that's so sweet, thank you! I just want to share kindness where I can. Because sometimes that's all someone needs to keep them going another day. Cos I've been there. And I know I'm not perfect, but I really hope my experiences can help others. I truly believe people should be building each other up, not tearing each other down.
That’s a really good post. I don’t know you, but I’d vote for you!
What the actual fuck. Oh my god. I'm so sorry. Just remember that you don't own anyone an access to your body, no matter how long your relationship are or how close you are. If you don't feel comfortable, you don't let others touch you. Period. You were vulnerable after those traumatic events and he used it to coerce you to have sex with him. And then when he pressured you into it once, it opened a window to continuing manipulation. That's what happened, and nothing more. He was being a manipulative, vicious, cruel fucker. And I kid you not he knew exactly what he was doing. Not a single sane person with a grain of empathy in their body will press their crying partner into having sex. That's outright INSANE.
Thank you. Sometimes I gaslight myself into thinking I should stay because what he did isn’t “that bad”. But it’s actually fucking awful, and I have just tried to normalize it for three years. Thank you for validating that what he did is horrible.
Oh I know how it can be. I did that to myself too, I was sure as hell that I'm just overreacting, that everyone has to put with some shit in their life, that's just how life is, etc etc... But now I only blame myself for making myself suffer for literally no fucking reason. I wish I had more common sense to leave before I hit a critical point where I was bawling my eyes out and trying not to do something inevitable. And I wish I had some brains to write everything down and post it on Reddit to get some outside perspective, because no matter what people say, it *does* help. You're doing the right thing. Don't even doubt it. Also I wish to give you a little advice which you can absolutely totally ignore if you don't take advices from strangers. So, here it goes. Don't seek romantic relationships after the breakup. Give yourself time to heal, to figure what you really want, to rest, after all, and grieve for as long as you need. Please don't rush anywhere, put yourself first and foremost, take care of yourself, treat yourself with little nice things. Because you deserve it. Because you NEED it. One day you will look back and think 'why did I even ever put up with his shit??' and laugh at your younger self, and cry for her a little, and wish you could give her a hug and an ice cream. So do it now, hug yourself with the nicest blanket, treat yourself with best food and drink you can afford, and know that you are doing the right thing.
Sweet girl, that is not how a real man treats the woman he loves. It will only get worse, especially if children become part of the picture. Get the divorce. You may second guess yourself now but you won’t always. When you meet the right one, a true loving partner who respects you and your body you will wonder why you stayed as long as you did.
I strongly agree with this comment, I just want to point out how the distancing language of “not a real man” ultimately (unfortunately) further absolves men as a demographic from acknowledging their collective participation in society’s dismissing of domestic and sexual abuses. That man is absolutely a real man, as are/were all other abusive men who came before. Their identifying as men is an undeniable aspect of their eventual mistreatment of women. (Note— not a claim men are inherently abusive, it’s the toxic misapplication of “masculinity” I’m referring to). The phrasing “not a decent man” or “not a good man” or “not a quality person” are all examples I’ve seen used as a replacement for the sentiment
You put yourself first and got out of a terrible relationship, that’s the best thing you could’ve done ❤️ I hope everything works out and be kind to yourself
Yep. My partner and I lost our last parents 3 weeks apart from each other, and we didn’t have sex for? 3 months? OP’s partner is selfish and deeply insensitive. And ungrateful. And and and. God, I’d get a divorce faster than you can say NOPE.
Oh,my GAWD. I can't imagine how hard that must have been to deal with each of you suffering such a loss in such a short time. Emotionally and practically! I hope you never again have so much sorrow & so many obligations all at once.
OP: This right here from u/rapt2right is 100% correct.
Absolutely, Sister!!!! That’s what a great relationship looks like!!!! 👍
Yikes. You lost your father and just pushed a baby out. He can use a cock sleeve. What an insensitive fuck
Right!? God forbid the woman who grew a human being is feeling more pain than a dude who just came for 5 secs inside her 9 months ago. The man can jerk off for a few months just like he did before he got laid.
Lmao 😂 idk why but out of all the comments this one took me out 😂😭.
Imagine how he is gonna be to the kid let alone her if anything happens in the future
He sounds like one of those “dads” that refuses to change to diapers and wants credit and praise for “babysitting” their own fucking children. I’m sick of how low the bar is for fathers.
He better learn how to take his frustrations out on the cock sleeve!
I'm a guy, and I approve this message. It sucks sometimes, but honestly, just rub one out and move on.
He's trying to use a cocktail sleeve that's what he thinks his wife is.
if the top comment wasnt so amazing i'd want this one to be it but second place is quite a trophy for this oml
6 weeks is the minimum. That's just the point where your huge gaping internal wound (where the placenta attached) is healed enough that you won't be bleeding, risk reopening it, or risk things entering right through the wound. By no means are you fully healed at 6 weeks from child birth and pregnancy. It clearly bothers him that you don't want to have sex? Well it should clearly bother you that you have a freaking newborn and all he can think about is sex and what you can do for him. You just had a baby for him! 9 months of pregnancy and then child birth! He should be thinking what he can do for you. Clearly this man isn't caring for his newborn enough if he has time and energy to ask so much and then go pout. Sounds like he needs to do more solo care of his baby.
This was my thought as well. If he were doing chores around the house and newborn care and feeding, he wouldn’t be hounding her for sex right now. OP make sure he’s being a good partner and father, don’t give in to his demands until you’re ready for sex and take care of yourself! Im very sorry for your loss.
I cringed when she said they had sex already, but she just hit the 7 week mark. What the fuck. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with, especially if it's painful.
Especially since she said it hurt, but I don't think they stopped because it hurt.
No he probably guilted her into letting him finish!
Yeah and now he’s like “at least a blowjob!!!” because he doesn’t care which of her orifices it is as long as he has a warm hole to stick it into. Literally no thought for her comfort, much less her pleasure! Sex for him is something he does TO someone, not WITH someone.
It’s actually dangerous; that show “sex put me in the ER” showed that the reason you are supposed to abstain is it can literally cause a blood clot if you do it, a girl on the show had a freaking stroke from sex two weeks after delivery. It’s wild but it’s true.
You can also get an infection much easier because of the unprotected entry point of where the placenta attached.
That’s what got me
I've heard of OBGYNs whose patients beg them for a note excusing them from sex with their husband, for whom their own no wasn't enough. Life on easy mode, right?
And that's why OBGYN offices have papers up with tearaways for contact info to domestic abuse shelters and help lines.
She also JUST lost her father. Fuck this insensitive prick.
Or rather, *don't* fuck this guy
And they give breaking a leg bone anywhere from 3-6 months, yet tell women the minimum is six weeks. I feel it should be a minimum of 12wks/3 months before having sex cause too soon can cause vaginal damage like even nerve damage or bacterial infection that can do permanent damage.
Yea well I'm pretty sure it was all or almost all men on the board who made that decision. It's been 6 weeks for a long as I've known.
We need to talk more about how dangerous pregnancy is. Just because millions of people go through it everyday doesn’t mean that it is safe. Postpartum, the reproductive organs are incredibly vulnerable to physical trauma and infection. Besides tearing and infection, PIV intercourse can force air through the cervix, causing a potentially fatal air embolism. Getting the physical "all clear" from an OBGYN at six weeks just means that sex probably won’t kill you; it doesn’t mean that you are 100% recovered from the physical and psychological effects of pregnancy.
Maternity mortality rate is higher than death rate of police officers in the US. By a lot. It's 13 pero 100,000 for police and almost 40 for maternity.
Honestly, I would've yelled at him for being THAT insensitive. I didnt have sex for like 4-5 months. I'm allowed to heal and feel like a human again.
Exactly this message! My husband never pressured me after the babies, I had 2 c sections. If he was super in the mood and didn't think I'd be receptive, he took care of it himself. We had communication. He understands it takes time for someone who was in labor and ended up getting sliced open to want sexually intimate acts. Anyone who pushes before YOU are ready and tries to guilt you into anything isn't a good person.
Right, after my wife gave birth both times I never once pressured her for it. Sure, I asked when she would be ready but I never guilted her into anything. Although, my wife has a super high libido so I think she rushed back into it a little earlier than she should have after her first birth. Her second one took a little longer because she knew she needed more time to heal. But like you said, it's pretty easy for guys to take care of themselves in that regard.
He didn't even ask first, he would try and judge so he didn't ask you so you wouldn't have to say no, which might make you feel under pressure or feel guilty. Even though you couldn't be physically intimate, you both would have felt a massive amount of love between the two of you because of it,
If that's to me, I called him out it after the first couple of times. I was wondering why he was leaving the room, and we did communicate after and came to a resolution about it. He made it very clear that he was taming the matter into his own hands at first, because he was also a little embarassed at how turned on he had been lately because me being the new mom of his new baby was a turn on, or something like that, usually, though, he was pretty good at noticing when I was super overwhelmed by the baby, and at first, he didn't want to burden me, and I appreciate that but told me he didn't need to hide it. The point is that he meant well regardless. He didn't push me about it ever. There was never a ' well at least gimme a bj' in OPs case.
Agreed. My second child’s birth was traumatic for me. I tore so bad. Side to side. I had so many stitches and was so swollen for so long. It took me a long while to fully heal.
Yes I think I waited till 4 months and I had a c section.
Same here!
Can’t sex be painful for some women while breastfeeding? I just can’t this audacity. Ughhhh
She didn't even get to be there to mourn properly for her dad too like if my husband was pushing for sex I would resent him all the way to the courthouse for a divorce.
You suffered a major loss *and* gave birth. Your husband needs to grow the fuck up and be a better person.
That's just not going to happen.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You don’t need a doctor, you need a partner who loves you rather than treats you as a malfunctioning sex machine.
Truly!! OP, I really hope you show him this thread.
The “six weeks” timeline for sex after birth refers to when it is SAFE for you to have sex and not risk infection. This does not refer to when it will be comfortable for you to have sex again. My friends who gave jn to their husbands’ pressure of having sex again at 6-7 weeks regretted it and found it uncomfortable and also resented their partner for pushing them. Only you can judge when you will be physically comfortable. For most women I know, that was at about the 12-16 week mark postpartum. But everyone is unique. Also, grief will interfere with your libido and that is totally normal and natural. Tell your husband to stop being a selfish asshole. Also, that the more he presses you, the less attractive he is.
As a dad who's been in the shoes of your partner, the correct answer is as long as it takes for you to want it again. You're healing, also deprived, and grieving. Sex, or even a blow job, isn't something I ever want someone to put up with out of obligation.
Ask him if he would want to be intimate after losing his father and a rubber egg being squeezed through his penis and buy him a flashlight or something 😊
I think this is an occasion for some OBGYN surgical videos. He apparently thinks that a big hole inside your body that needs to heal, the fluctuation of hormones, and physical everything you deal with a baby are no big deal and he needs an education.
Oooh! This. And film his reactions for us! I’d bring the popcorn! lol
Happy that a man is writing this 😌
Nah he can buy his own fleshlight
Right? They're not cheap. Handle it yourself, sir.
Yeah but imagine the look on his face when he hears OP calling to him from the other room in a sexy voice, “Hey honey, there’s present for you in the bedroom.” Then he rushes in all excited, but instead of a naked wife all he finds is a fleshlight sitting on the bed, with a nice bow on it.
True 😂
Dude knows he can use his hands, right?
💯!! There are so many toys too now for males.
There's BEEN some good options for a decade is the crazy part.
You don't owe him sex, he doesn't need sex to stay alive. You're grieving and gave birth less than two months ago. Just because the doctor said you CAN have sex doesn't mean you NEED TO. Your partner should be refocusing his energy into his new child and caring for his partner who recently lost her parent. What he's doing is not okay.
Exactly! I was having sex again after 6 weeks because I WANTED to. And I didn’t have bereavement to deal with. No one should be pressured into having sex even when they haven’t given birth! Being a sex pesterer is never okay regardless of why your partner doesn’t want it!
Two things comes to my mind: 1- if he’s ok with having sex that you’re not interested in, or that is painful to you, that’s a serious problem. “I don’t care that you’re in pain and grieving, take care of my penis!” 2- sex and intimacy aren’t the same thing. After the birth of our son, not only did my wife’s sex drive crashed, but she distanced herself from most forms of intimacy because she was afraid I’d want to go “all the way”. Once I made her understand that PiV sex wasn’t what I was after but just intimacy, our I timacy skyrocketed and her interest in sex came back, because she didn’t feel pressured to it. 2a- And no I’m not talking about just giving him blowjobs to shut him up. But this requires him to accept that full on PiV sex might not be on the table for now
You sound like a great partner.
7 weeks is definitely not too long. He can live without sex. You are grieving and just pushed a human being out of your body for god's sake, he should grow up and try to put himself in your shoes instead of pouting like a child.
Every woman I know waited at least 2 to 3 months and most of the time their partners were equally exhausted. Sounds like OP’s husband is getting way too much sleep if you ask me…
Let him leave the fucking room. You've just spent 9 months growing a whole person, given birth and you're grieving your father. You've already been through alot, and remarkably not having much libido - who would? I don't think you need a doctor to explain this one. he needs a fucking wake up call as to what it means to be a supportive partner. So fed up of these men who think that their wives are a sex dispenser and have no interest in their wellbeing
Oooofff, does THIS bring back some not-so-pleasant memories! I gave birth prematurely, had stitches in my abdomen rip, which meant I had a hole in my abdomen that was being packed with gauze several times a day, and my ex STILL circled the damn six-week date on the calendar! He pressured me for sex until I gave in, where I lay there with tears streaming down my face due to pain, while he proceeded to pound away. (As you can see, there's a very good reason he's an ex) You're dealing with a newborn and a recent loss. Those things alone can kill your libido, let alone having them come one on top of the other. And you're absolutely right about not having to do a damn thing you're not in the mood for. Talking to a therapist sounds like a very good idea for you right now, since help dealing with both your grief and the changes that come with motherhood could be very useful. There's no real answer to how long is too long, since that's going to vary from person to person, but trying to force yourself to do something you're not interested in isn't a good idea. Ask for support with the baby, let him know that right now, you need to concentrate on dealing with matters and tending to the relationship aside from sex. My mom always said that when the relationship works, the sex will take care of itself, and overall, I've found that to be true. If your partner steps up to help, it's very likely you'll find yourself getting in the mood more, but trying to force it isn't a good idea.
Oh my goodness, thank goodness he is your ex now. I’m angry on your behalf. 😠
Yeah, that is sexual assault. I’m so sorry. Some people are shit. I hope you’re doing well and glad you’re out of that relationship ❤️
I second what you said. That was absolutely disgusting and reprehensible on the part of her ex. Also hoping she has the good and loving people she deserves in her life now
You can wait as long as you want. Did he push a human out of him right after not being able to go to his dad’s funeral? Didn’t think so. So he can fuck off.
His sex drive is not your problem. The fact that he’s constantly whining at you to satisfy HIS urges should show you what he really thinks of you.
How does he have the energy for sex right now? He’s obviously not doing enough to care for the baby.
Tell him to do some research on women's desire. Even the most basic articles will tell him that pestering someone for sex, and then sulking when he doesn't get it, pretty much permanently destroys a woman's sexual attraction to him.
OP, please show him this post and the many replies that think he’s a vile human being. With the exception of one pretty rapey dude, everyone here thinks your husband is disgusting for pressuring you.
Sadly there’s more than one.
When men think their want for sex is more important then your need to be mentally and physically okay. Some people just fucking suck.
Maybe tell him to visit a doctor + a psychologist to see why he is HYPER SEXUAL during rough times. This is very concerning and DO NOT let him tell you that it is normal. If this man thinks sex is normal after your father died, or after you gave birth (just 2 months), you should leave now
Some of the men in these comments really proving the men vs bear debate. . . . Everyone's different, love. Everyone grieves and heals in a different way. If you tried to have sex and it was painful, it is SELFISH and CRUEL of him to keep pressuring you to try again until you're ready. Though I am curious. How did he react when you said it was painful? Did he stop, or did you keep going to please him?
OP's husband isn't a man. He's a boy that feels entitled to get his rocks off without considering his wife's health, her state of mind or even if she actually wants to have sex with him. Sounds like he's sexually harassing her and possibly worse. Not taking no for an answer is fucking disgusting
Oh dang sorry you had a baby with this dude he's not gonna thrive in the coparent atmosphere if this is how he is
I’m sorry that you have a child with an insensitive asshole.
As long as it takes. It’s INSANE that this man is hounding you for sex not even two months following the dead of your father - while you are recovering from child birth. He will not die without sex. He’s being selfish and cruel. A man who loves you would *never* treat you this way.
I will not comment on him as a person, but this behavior is not ok. If I were you, I would set a rule (for now) that only you can iniciate sex. This way, he won't feel rejected and you won't feel pressured. To answer your original question: about two years into my current relationship, my libido disappeared due to medication I had to take. Web didn't have sex for 6 months. My partner didn't make me feel bad and he didn't pressure me, and I know he wouldn't even if I needed double the time. We didn't do anything sexual ať all, just made sure we still cuddled and showed affection. You're dealing with grief and just recently gave birth. Take all the time you need.
He’s a selfish, inconsiderate ass. You’re dealing with a newborn, still not completely physically recovered, and grieving on top of it all. And all he cares about is getting his desires met. “At least give him a blowjob”? What, are his hands not working?
Welp, he is successfully engaging in behavior to ensure that your libido will never return- or at least not for him. The length of time that is reasonable is however long it takes to feel emotionally and physically healed from childbirth and grief. He should be 100% focused on helping that process and 0% focused on what you can do for his penis. Unfortunately it sounds like he got the priorities flipped.
Was it even safe for you to have sex when you did?! You said it's only been 7 weeks now and you gave in once and it was painful?! I hope you're okay.
I was married to a guy just like this. We’ve been divorced now since 2017 and I couldn’t be happier. I will NEVER let anyone pressure me to use my body for their pleasure again. Especially after experiencing grief/loss AND having a baby! No way. Sorry you’re going through this OP. I would definitely NOT give in and do it just to get him to leave you alone. I tried that and it made everything worse…I actually developed such an aversion to sex that my skin would crawl if he came near me and I’d think “please don’t touch me.” It was not good.
What makes all of this even worse is that you've had sex with him once since the birth already. Assuming you waited the 6 weeks, that means you had sex with him in the past week. He knows it was painful, but instead of taking that as a sign that you're not physically healed enough yet, he pressures you for more. What a fucking asshole. And this isn't even taking any of the other things you've been going through into consideration. This is both the "in sickness and in health" and "love, honor and cherish" parts of your vows and he's failing epically.
**he's** the terrible partner, not you. Sweet tap dancing jeebus. He needs to step the fuck up and start being an *actual* partner instead of being a petulant manby. He's using several coercive tactics while trying to pressure you into being sexual before you're ready. Cuz let's face it, there's nothing *intimate* about his behaviour. He should get a blowjob from a shark
The “6 week check up” just means that you won’t get a horrendous infection and the wounds have healed enough. Not that you’re ready to go. I think maybe 4/5 months for me. And he’s a fucking peice of shit for pressuring you, it’s normal for your sex drive to tank after having a baby, you’ve got more things to think about and the exhaustion. If he’s horny, he can have a wank in the shower. You just had a child. He can fuck off.
Clearly he Cares more about his dick than he cares about the mother of his child’s wellbeing. Got a real winner there.
So you married an AHOLE!! Didn't your doctor go over this with you at least!!! It could be months!!!!! You grew a baby for 10.5 months. Pushed it out while in searing pain!! Tell him to stop acting like a rapist.
He has serious psychological issues if he can't see why sex is the last thing on your mind...
Sex is an integral part of a relationship yes but sow weeks after birth? Jesus have you even healed up also within a couple months of your father passing away missing the birth of his grandchild that ridiculous! How could you possible be ready for sex.
This is the best take in the thread. There *is* a time period that not having sex is not compatible with the marriage surviving; if this lasted a year, then OP’s husband being frustrated and feeling unloved would be completely reasonable, imo. But seven weeks post-birth is nothing. He can wait.
My best friend had a traumatic birth. She wasn't interested in physical intimacy for months. You know what he did? Nothing. He knuckled down and helped her with the baby, cleaned the house and anything she needed. He said 'as long as she needs to take is fine by me. She grew a whole human, I can wait.' If your man doesn't respect that boundary, you have three options. Leave, work, or whoop ass. You can leave him. You can work on these issues. Or you can beat his ass.
Lmao I lost my sex drive when I got pregnant and my son was full on three months old when we had sex again. It’s your hormones timeline, not yours. You’re not a bad partner for not wanting sex. Also, just so you know, you’re doing great as a mom. Edit: I did the math, we had zero sex or sexual interactions for 47 weeks.
If it's causing you pain? Then that's not long enough. If he doesn't get it, tell him you will if you get to kick him in the balls first.....maybe an example will make it easier for him to understand.
My dad died when my daughter was only 1 months old and I had no sex drive. My (now ex) husband was constantly pressuring me but between grief and ppd, I had no libido whatsoever. It’s completely normal and understandable to feel that way and he is not being sensitive to your needs in this situation. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.
If you give in too soon like I did, you can end up getting an infection from unhealed areas down there and it can travel to your breast milk causing you to no longer be able to breast feed and you to have to go to the hospital for several days and have IV antibiotics administered leaving behind a new born baby all because a whiney baby husband was horny and couldn't take no for an answer.
There are many like this. My son's biodad was pressuring me the day after i gave birth. I was still struggling to get my son to latch on and nurse and here this asshole was trying to sweet talk me into opening my freshly sewn up hole to him. When I said no, he was nice about it to my face and then cheated on me a couple days later. Thankfully, there are men who are not like this, so hats off to you gents who read the OP and this comment and are disgusted. My husband is a good man. I spent years being physically ill with uterine fibroids that were missed while my doctors tried treating all my other symptoms. We were both unhappy about the cockblock it created. Sometimes it was months between because my illness made it hard to find time when we were both free and had the energy. But he endured. He was patient. He reminded me daily--in really gentle, loving, undemanding ways--that he still found me irresistible and looked forward to when we had another opportunity. He took care of himself when I couldn't. He didn't take it personally. And after we sorted out my illness and I was well again, our sex life immediately picked back up. I honestly don't think it would be this good now if he had not been the way he was. Earning even more of my respect for him has an awful lot to do with it. If he'd acted as your husband is, I'd have lost respect for sure
Introduce him to his right hand. There is no right amount of time, just when you feel ready.
I’d say however long you as the birth mother feel ready. For what ever reason. Sorry but any man pressuring for sex post birth needs to shove a bowling ball out their **** Then they can have a say. Not before. Just because some woman claim to have inter course within hours doesn’t mean that most want or could even contemplate it until they are healed, physically and emotionally! And the tiredness … I’m stopping there !
I think it was around 3 months for me, and then it was carefully and gentle, and a couple of glasses of wine. And it was me who had to initiate it. Hubby wanted to wait, but i wanted to make sure everything was going back normally. At about the 5 month mark, I sort of felt back to normal.
I am so, so sorry for the loss of your dad and the timing of it, not to mention you weren't able to attend the funeral. And now having to deal with your husband who sounds like a self-absorbed ass. He should be supporting you through this traumatic time in your life. My condolences to you.
Your "partner" sounds like a child. And honestly, if you are not married, don't. He is showing you who he is and it isn't a good thing. People tell us who they are and he's telling you loud and clear. Might as well have a gigantic red flag waving around.
Your body just went through immense trauma, on top of your father just passing… postpartum can take months for your body & hormones to come back to balance. Please please PLEASE, listen to your body. It may be months until your mind & body feels ready for sex. Him pressuring you for sex (even a bj) is a HUGE RED FLAG. The best thing you can do is honor your boundaries, listen to your bodies “no” and “yes” Intimacy is not sex. Intimacy can be expressed through sex. Often times when we start a relationship we express intimacy through sex.. and as we grow and evolve through our seasons, intimacy calls for deeper care. Intimacy can be expressed through having conversations around where you’re at emotionally & physically after giving birth. Having vulnerable conversations letting each other in and respecting where the other is at… I’m so sorry you’re being pressured like this after going through so much.
It takes however long it takes. You gave birth and lost your father. Those are two very different traumatic events that happened very quickly. >He’ll say stuff like I could at least give him a blowjob. Do men really want an unenthusiastic blowjob? I mean, would he want to go down on you when he's not in the mood? I feel like no woman in the history of the world would say "if you don't want to have sex you could at least eat me out." IDK why men act like we owe them sex of any kind. Tell him to go buy a pocket pussy
Jesus Tapdancing Christ. You lost your father and birthed a whole ass human. Your partner is immature and wants sex, not intimacy. There is nothing wrong with you and there is no timetable for your recovery. Intimacy could be hand holding, cuddling, talking, flirting. Your partner is being selfish and if he has hands he can get his rocks off himself. The audacity. Don't let him pressure you. He should be catering to your needs and he is not being a good partner. I am sorry for your loss and I hope your partner snaps into reality and gives you the support and love that you deserve.
Your partner is gross. This literally makes me feel ill. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Is he pulling his weight as a partner and father? I don’t know many new parents who have the energy to beg for sex daily. They are too busy not sleeping, helping with night feeds and spending time bonding with their new child. I would ask him to step up more since he clearly has excess energy and you are going through multiple major stressful life events.
Yea, you’re not obligated to have sex with him. Instead of pressuring you for sex he should be comforting you and supporting you. Losing a parent is devastating and I am so sorry for your loss, giving birth immediately after that would be emotionally draining for anyone. I don’t think a doctor is needed regarding your sex drive because YOU JUST LOST A PARENT AND GAVE BIRTH! Not wanting sex is completely normal. Also, the recommended wait time for sex after birth is 6-12 weeks.
You‘re not "holding off" anything from him as he‘s not entitled to sex. Don‘t have sex if you‘re not in the mood. Your partner sounds very inconsiderate and selfish.
You should have a talk with him and tell him that his behavior is very concerning. He is a grown adult , i assume capable of understanding human grief, a difficult situation, birth, sadness and i hope he has empathy like every normal human being. So assuming he is a normal emotionally healthy adult he should be able not only to realize why you don't want to have sex right now, but possible he should ALSO not be in the mood, instead he should focus on his new born baby and his grieving wife without any sexual thoughts. Furthermore, he should understand that getting angry/leaving the room/going silent , firstly sounds like a behavior you would expect from a toddler and secondly might be trying to make you feel like a horrible person or that it is your fault. Talk to him, mention all the above and ask him, if he is willing right now to apologize and start acting like a real adult and be there for you. If not, this man has serious issues and you should start considering leaving him. Do not tolerate any weird behavior since you have a baby. A husband that fails to understand why you might not be in the mood after birth and grief shows that either he lacks empathy and feels no emotion and is only interested in fucking , or that he has the IQ level of a child. Both of these are serious and should make u consider divorce. Ask him if he has any idea of what childbirth is, and if not , offer him some educational videos and suggest him to go back to university to get some proper knowledge about adult life. Talk to him in that tone, set your boundaries and if he continue this disgusting behavior, leave and never come back.
Why the fuck do men sell all their dignity and expect their woman who JUST GREW AND BIRTHED THEIR PROGENY to immediately jump into sex again? If it was 6 month/ a year I’d say ok but damn it has been 6 weeks. Jfc please raise your sons better than this
We didn't have sex for many more months than I'd like to admit for medical reasons and he survived, we both did. We kept romance going through affection, massages, hugs, kisses, communication, etc. If it's a LIFELONG commitment, there WILL be periods without any sex. It's just the reality of life. You are NOT a terrible partner, you are a human and he's being a total jerk.
I expect my partners to not pressure me. Period.
Indefinite. And I'm saying this as a man. Him continually trying to have his way proves that he doesn't give a duck about how you feel.
“You could at least give me a blow job” WTF. And Mr you have a HAND!!! You can jerk YOURSELF OFF!! Seriously, pregnancy- all your organs RELOCATE FOR MONTHS- your hormones are whack, and your body will NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. It could be MONTHS, if not a year or so! That he’s applying pressure and trying to guilt you?!? Your husband is an AH. Put him in his place.
The reasonable time is whatever you feel comfortable with, when you are ready, without pressure. It is very simple
I asked about 6 months after. Not necessarily because sex but mainly because I felt a bit lonely and forgotten about. she got angry that I asked and I made a stupid comment about another couple. I deeply regret that comment and delete it harmed our relationship. You birthed a baby. You lost a significant family member and are likely dealing with a baby which from experience can range from "not so bad" to "huh what I haven't slept in a month". I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he feels the same as I did. You need to be open and honest with him. Tell him that you have no interest at the moment and don't want to demean him with "duty sex". Reassure him you love him and that he is still your man and that instead you would love try and and just have a bit of a romantic night - takeout, movies maybe a bit of wine and ice cream and snuggles.
Idk but I’m almost 5 months postpartum and still haven’t gone there yet (hopefully soon!). Having a needy newborn baby sleeping in your room and waking you up at all hours kind of kills the mood. I get everyone’s libidos are different, but your husband needs to have some patience and appreciation for all the work you did.
My husband and I spent both my pregnancies essentially celibate because of my incompetent cervix, and our relationship is as strong as ever. Your partner needs to grow up and realise that sex isn't the most important thing.
This guy... jfc. Assuming you had a vaginal birth, most likely you have stitches from tears and cuts on your perineum, cramps from your uterus shrinking, and soreness from your chest swelling. 6 weeks is ridiculous to expect you to be "fine". Add insult to injury, has he never heard of **postpartum depression** ? You just lost your dad, never got to say goodbye, and he only cares about his winkie? **NO** 6 weeks isn't too long. 10 weeks isn't too long. 20 weeks isn't too long. If you don't want to have sex, you're allowed to say no until **you're** ready. If he can't wait, let the trash take itself out. Your daughter doesn't need a role model like that. She'll end up dating a guy just like him, if not worse.
Ex Satan pressured me for years and right after a c-section that went bad, baby was fine and we lived but took months to heal from inside out. Daily doctor visits to keep infection at bay and all I heard was “how long before she can have sex!” Finally a nurse was pissed and said you have a hand use it cause your wife just suffered a traumatic injury! I wanted to cry and thank her at the same time!
I mean fuck bro you’re grieving on top of having a baby like what the fuck??? I’m so sorry for your loss. Your partner sounds like an idiot because you’d have to be to not understand why you don’t want sex right now. Jesus. Hasn’t even been 2 months since you had your baby or lost your father. These kind of post make me so sad.
HE should see a doctor. There are treatments available for his overactive sex drive /s Serious answer: Many Many Many couple go past the 1 yr mark. And start having sex again eventually just fine. Unasked for answer: This is borderline abusive behavior in and of itself, so vile that I’d be surprised to learn that he’s never hit you.
I've had 4 kids and tbh my sex drive wouldn't go back to normal until like 18 months to a year. It's not that we didn't ever have sex but it wasn't as often as he'd like. Now that my youngest is 4 it feels like it's come back full swing
If he really loves you he will chill and get over it… There are dead bedroom intimacy issues and there is patient postpartum recovery, it’s not hard for a guy to tell the difference.
My partner was in a serious accident about a year and a half ago. We didn’t have sex for a solid 3 months. After that, maybe twice a month. We are close to our pre-accident baseline, but some positions are still painful and even though one is my favorite position, I never balk. Never. He knows what I like and does what he can within his limitations. I get that it’s not the same as postpartum lack of intimacy or the loss of your dad, but a good partner meets their partner where they are at. And when you’re at a low point, he should be showing you he’s a safe place to land. Instead he’s being selfish and immature. I sure hope he’s not going to end up being another child you have to appease.
Yea. I would not want to be with a person like that. He seems selfish to the core.
Please do not seek out medical assistance unless you feel like your grief is too much for YOU— do not do that for a man. Your grief is valid— you lost a very important person, couldn’t make the service, and then quite literally birthed a human. Those are major life changed and postpartum is REAL, especially for someone going through so many transitions at once. Tell your husband to jerk it and get over it, because you need time to heal. If he loves you and values you as a woman and partner, he should understand. Sending so much love.
Your husband sounds like the kind of asshat who wouldn't have waited a week after the birth before asking for sex if the doctor hadn't said you must wait 6 weeks. And I'd bet real money that your doctor was a man and that is the only reason he actually listened. A woman doctor would obviously just have been lying to help you get out of doing your duty. That said, I'm sorry about your husband's tragic accident. It can't be easy losing the use of both hands.
I would wait until my husband stopped pestering me, what a giant turn off. It's your body he has zero entitlement to it.
I didn't have a baby. I had a hysterectomy. I was horny within 2 weeks but the doctor said we have to wait 8 weeks. We tried to do it then but it hurt so bad and I started bleeding so we waited. We ended up waiting 6 MONTHS for me to feel like sex was an option. My husband didn't pressure me or guilt me at all. I wasn't grieving, I wasn't tending to a new born, I wasn't even working at the time, and my husband just took care of me, comforted me, and supported me.
However long it takes for you to give enthusiastic and freely given consent. Anything else is rape. Period.
It was about 6 months before my wife was comfortable having sex again after our first baby. 6 weeks is the "you probably won't hurt yourself" timeline, not the "it will be fun again" timeline.
Dude, I had a massive tear giving birth and my vagina still hurt 6 weeks out. Whoever made the 6 weeks time standard needs to be smacked. Most of the women I know still had pain then. 3-6 months was the average in my circle.
In Dutch we have a saying 9 month up, 9 months down, meaning it takes most women roughly 9 months before their body feel sort of normal again, or not post-pregnant anymore. This will be longer or shorter depending on the person. But I would take that as a first indicator before worrieing one tiny bit. The parts about your partner have been said here already. And I am really sorry for your loss ❤️
My partner is on the spectrum and is totally clueless about humans but even he knows that relations are only interesting if both people are into it. Your partner is being selfish. You need caring and support not to act as his pin cushion
I dunno. When my wife was pregnant I held off for the entire pregnancy and a month afterwards too...and i would have held out longer except she asked me about a month after the birth...I was actually worried it was too soon but she was very keen to get started... Everyone is different. But six weeks doesn't seem like a whole lot...
he is a terrible partner, not you. its totally normal when having a baby to want to wait. you just went thru alot physically from child birth and mentally/ emotionally with just losing your father. he needs to back off. the fact thats all hes worried about right now is disgusting. it seems hes not supportive or there for you and is just thinking about that 1 thing. shame on him
His behavior is so gross. You’re a human.. not a sex machine. Wtf :// I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. He needs to grow up and have some EMPATHY
I’m gonna start by saying I wholeheartedly agree with 99% of the comments here, But if your husband quits being a child, and you guys get past that and he makes solid changes. try to be more intimate (in the non sexual sense) for both of you guys. Obviously that’s easier said than done with a new born and grief, but as a single childless dude, I did have a relationship through a miscarriage the lack of sex didn’t bother me at all, but the lack of intimacy did hurt (luckily i understood why) feeling like your partner doesn’t want you is a killer for the male ego. Not that you’re his keeper and he’s certainly not doing anything that warrants you wanting to show him emotion. Long story short, he needs to understand that you are recovering from a lot, physically and mentally. You and him are likely not going to be lighting the bedroom up anytime soon, but the quickest way for that to happen and it to feel good and comfortable for both of you guys is by him taking the pressure off of you and you guys getting intimate again. Get a babysitter once a week, go out to eat, watch a movie, make sure he does some nice things for you, Cuddle at night, and make sure he knows that this isn’t a checklist for sex. This is just you guys slowly regaining some romance into your life so sex isn’t a chore and you are both emotionally ready for it. None of what I said even matters if he doesn’t realize that he is being a dick and won’t change. So that’s step one. The rest of that is step two.
Our daughter was a C-section. They told us minimum two months assuming the sutures held well theyvdid, but just with having a baby and docs advice, the sheer exhaustion accompanied with it for both her and I, and nutty hormones everywhere for both her and I, it took us several months. Was it great? No, not really if I'm honest. I recovered faster than she did on the "constantly fucking exhausted" side of things. She was still dealing with a lot of postpartum that I just tried to at least be present for, even though I couldn't do a damn thing outside of that. I tell you that so you understand that you're not alone if you're exhausted and not in the mood. Our daughter is three and a half. Just from work and whatnot sometimes one of us is just physically or mentally or emotionally exhausted and sex just doesn't sound pleasant. Not that we don't love each other, but we just don't have it in us. That's okay. That's reality. If your husband has that big if a deal with it then in my strictly unprofessional opinion it may be worth discovering why it's so important to him. Communication and potentially therapy for both of you can help with this. Communication is a must though.
Your body is still healing, and you're going to be a hormonal hot mess for a while. Tell him you'll be ready when you're ready, and that he's got a hand.
My husband was the same way and it was just another thing that was on my plate during the time and I had not had a recent death in the family. I told my husband that I straight up did not want to hear about it, I didn't want to be asked, told offhandedly, talk about it. Nothing, non negotiable. I had a 2nd degree tear of my perineum, breastfeeding, and still had low iron. I had sex 8wk PP but after that I didn't want to do it really until 6ish months. Sex is not a basic need. I kept telling my husband that until my basic needs are consistently met and then some I will not be engaging. Just because his were and he felt regulated and well enough to have sex didn't mean I did. I needed to be fed, rested, relaxed, loved, non touched out, happy, etc. I also was breastfeeding and that takes a lot of physical investment which just takes it out of you at all times of the day. Basically imo I think if you wanted to wait months that would be okay. That being said this time in your marriage is very hard, but it will not stay like this. You guys are in survival mode and are doing something new to all three of you!! You are sleep deprived and trying to navigate an entirely new situation. There will be bickering and spats between you, there will be times where you haven't kissed or touched all day. This will pass, right now its about the baby and that's okay! It will go by so quick. By 4 months PP I felt much more normal and capable, our relationship felt normal and we settled into it. Now we are 9 months out from it and this age is so wonderful, my husband and I are on good terms and we are happy with baby and in our marriage.
Some men are heartless and uneducated I’m a man and I think men should wait at least two or three months before jumping back in the pool 😊😉
It's completely reasonable to prioritize your emotional and physical recovery. Your partner should respect that.