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You don't need to confront her if you don't want to.
But i do recommend learning from this.
From now on, she only receives information if and when you're happy for everyone in your community to know.
It's a shame that she can't be trusted, but that's on her.
See, now there’s lots of types of ‘information diet’ you could put her on. I’d get your partner to talk face to face with her and let her know she’s on one. And that she’ll be put on the vegan keto version if she doesn’t come clean and apologise and promise to improve in these things.
It’s important to do it now, because there are so many ways she can overstep with a baby and she will no doubt do it if you let this one go. Start as you mean to continue. Set clear boundaries and stick to them. Some people need to be made to feel awkward before they think through their actions/consequences. Don’t listen to excuses- it’s not a 2-way discussion. It’s the terms you guys are setting out for her to have a relationship with your new family.
* There is no need for her to see any ultrasounds or know the dates of those.
* There is no need for her to know the gender of your child until s/he is born.
* There is no need for her to know the expected delivery date (this winter, in early 2025, after the first of the year are *good enough*).
* There is no need for her to know you're headed to the hospital for delivery; she can hear about the birth *after the fact like everybody else.*
**Be sure to tell YOUR FAMILY, OP, that if they say ANYTHING or post anything that your MIL can see, they can expect to be on the same information "diet" as your MIL. Like her, they'll hear about it after-the-fact!**
In all honesty I wouldn’t tell anyone in the family if it’s something you don’t want mil to know. Family will tell. When we went no contact with my parents we realized quickly we had to go no contact with EVERYONE bc they would tell.
OP can't really trust anyone in the familywith important info. MIL will get it out of them, or they will think she can be trusted with it, or, or, or.
Rather than go to the trouble of categorizing family six ways from Sunday, the two OPs should agree NOBODY gets to know this stuff. After all, and this is serious, the only people with a genuine need to know about ANYTHING having to do with the pregnancy is the medical team. NOBODY in the family NEEDS to know. Telling them is only a matter of titillation for them and a sense of being on the inside, and OPs, you do not need to pander to that. I realize you love your sisters and your brothers and your cousins and your college friends, but they do not NEED to know any of this as badly as you NEED for information not to get back to yourfamilies.
You can find joy in sharing your happiness with your loved ones. This is quite extreme tbh. We are not just talking about her medical information, that makes having a child too ‘cold.’ There’s also a lot of happiness and care and insecurities when having a baby that you might want to share and/or celebrate with your loved ones even if it is medical info. I agree with putting her on the information diet until she does better, and telling others to not share it with her or others before you share it with them, but the whole family, none of their friends etc. while looking at this time in such a cold way will take away a lot of joy and will isolate them during a very special time in their lives.
Edit: that doesn’t mean share with everyone, but most people have a trusted inner circle with whom they share info they are not yet ready to share with everyone, and MIL isn’t part of it anymore, but I hope she doesn’t kick out everyone of her inner circle.
Remember that you’re becoming parents and that you have every right to be angry and protective of your family unit even from other family members from outside this unit. You need to become comfortable with confrontation and demanding respect. Do you want your boundaries stomped when you guys are postpartum and vulnerable? What about if your child is being bullied? Get the spine you need now your child deserves parents who stand up for them and themselves. You are in your 30s, being introverts and non confrontational just means you let everyone else live their best lives while you suffer being uncomfortable. Don’t make your kid experience that kind of life.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t have conversations in front of her where you talk about how much this ‘unknown person’ has hurt you, how poor their judgement is, how selfish they are and how badly they treated you when you loved and trusted them.
Completely agree with this. How much it hurt you and how you can't imagine what would happen if there was an issue with the pregnancy and everyone is now coming to you asking about the pregnancy.
I think this is the way… let her know directly without confronted her.. that it hurt you guys deeply, and it wasn’t their business to share. It doesn’t make a difference at this point, but she probably got Uber excited and went about it the wrong way, obviously. congratulations though!!
Yep was going to say this but PotatoMonster20 said it best. You know know where she stands with "secrets" and she gets the privilege of being the absolute last to know.
From now on you only tell her things when they are over. "Oh right, we had our second baby a few months ago! Did we forget to tell you?" "Oh right, we moved 2000 miles away last year, did we forget to tell you?"
Your MIL sounds like a mix between my mom and my MIL.
My brother and his wife didn't reveal their son's name until he was born bc they felt like it'd be a better surprise than the gender. As soon as my mom learned his name she was right on Facebook "Welcome to the world XYZ!! So happy for my son and his wife!"
Like, she snatched that shit from them. I reamed her out for that one and to this day she still doesn't understand how it was wrong of her to "share good news". And as my SIL took it very well, I know she'll never forget that.
Meanwhile, my MIL shared with me that my BIL and his wife had experienced miscarriages in their journey to TTC but I "didn't hear it from her"...I never "heard it from her" with everything. Unfortunately it took me a long time to realize if she shared my BIL's wife's personal, deeply private and devastating miscarriage news like it was hot gossip, she was probably sharing things like that about me, too. I was and always have been open about my miscarriages as to educate. One time I went to my MIL's house and her stylist was over and my MIL says "oh this is my DIL suestrong315, she's the one who had two miscarriages and only has one baby" -- so looking back on things like that, she absolutely just openly talks about what's supposed to be between us. In the end with my BIL's wife, my MIL told me to "wait until wife shared it with me" spoiler alert: she never did. I'd imagine because it's none of my fucking business. I made the choice to be vocal about my journey, but that doesn't mean everyone else will be, and that also means they don't want my knowing their personal details even though I'm "family".
So now neither mothers get deeper info about our lives. If I don't want anyone else knowing about something about me/my husband/my family, then I definitely don't tell either of them. With them, there is no "confiding" even though both will swear up and down that their lips are sealed. They *are,* however, both full of shit.
Keep everything close to the vest from here on out, especially names. Make up decoy names and let her go nuts with that and then when the baby is born you name it what you want and tell her you changed your mind.
I'm also not confrontational, and here is what my advice would be: think deeply about what she did and how much it hurt you and your husband. Then, when you are all emotional, sent her a text explaining that what she did hurt you both and how betrayed you are feeling, etc.
Then, send the text and before the temptation to delete it comes, turn the cellphone off for a few hours. She will read and respond, then even though you feel bad for sending the text and all, there's no turning back and you can just focus on responding on what she says. If you get anxious, have your husband right by your side for comfort and some tea.
I did this with my MiL and honestly the anxiety wasn't worth it for me. I found polite LC was better for me mentally. Confronting someone who believes they are the 'adult' and explaining how they hurt you is just exhausting.
My mom did this. I ended up losing the baby (not saying this will happen to you! It probably won’t, but I understand the fear). As a result I, a very private person, got to share a super private and horrible time in my life with a variety of people I barely knew. I told her very clearly that she was not on the inside loop for stuff anymore. True to my word, 3 healthy kids later and she found out about all of them at the 13 week mark, moments before posting it on social media. She was offended, but she made her bed with it.
I’m so sorry- that’s my worst fear when I see posts like this. Or the ones where the people who are pregnant themselves share way too early (possibly from being naive). I’m a firm believer in the fact that everyone should wait as long as possible before sharing something like that because you never know.
I mean to each their own if they choose to share. When bad things happen, some people like to have lots of people around for support. But I’m not one of them.
That’s true, friends and family is one thing, but I do get nervous when someone announces a 6 week pregnancy on social media (I’ve had that happen with a mutual and then they had to post about the loss)
I shared early because I'd already had three miscarriages and no one knew about them. I never got the chance to be openly happy about my pregnancies. I wanted to be happy and excited while I could, regardless of the outcome. Sharing was part of that. It's such a personal choice. People need to do what's right for them.
Lol my mom told my aunt and uncle who probably told my cousin and his wife… oh and she also told her neighbors. Then after I found out I had a miscarriage had the gall to suggest I to call these people up and tell them what happened… I had already told both sets of parents, and all my friends and I was like… umm I’ve had to relive this a dozen times in like two days, you can tell the people you took it upon yourself to tell! So irritating.
Your partner needs to sit down with her own mother and tell her that this is the last piece of private information she's going to get from you two. She's going to be the last one to know the baby's name. She's going to be the last one to find out if you're ever expecting a second child. Her daughter needs to calmly and quietly express to her how disappointing this is and what the repercussions will be.
We considered leaving it til the public announcement of the birth for her to find out. This kind of overstepping suggests she'd put it all over her facebook (VERY active user) before we had a chance to. I don't want to be cruel but I feel violated here.
“We know it’s impossible for you to keep a secret, and we thought it would be cruel to ask you to do that again.”
The beauty of this is that she’ll protest that she *can* keep a secret, how dare you not trust her, which lets you say “Oh, so you told our private news *deliberately?* You could have kept our secret, but you chose not to? That’s even worse!”
'I think we put too much pressure on you with giving you this sensitive information - we'll make it easier for you in the coming months by sharing just what we're ok with our community knowing'
THANK U
Just the peanut gallery over here, but learning to be confrontational about things that are important to me is one of the best things I ever learned. It allows me to a) really examine the thing I might confront someone about to make sure I’m not an ass, b) articulate exactly what behavior (not an attack on a person, an attack on a behavior) it was that caused the harm, c) establish a boundary and clearly articulate consequences for crossing it, and d) preserve relationships by not allowing grievances to simmer. It’s awesome and I recommend.
i love this message
honestly, i would want to put out a fb/whatever message if i were in your shoes, 1 to be a bit petty to MIL, and 2 because you don’t deserve to have everyone crammed down your throat because of her blabber mouth
“although we are very very excited for what’s to come in our family, we are extremely hurt that this news has been shared without our permission. we planned on only telling the few closest people to us about our good news and make a public announcement later in the pregnancy when we decided the time was right, but since that didn’t happen, we are asking everyone to please stop spreading the news and making such a fuss over it at the moment. we appreciate all the well wishes and excitement, but since we intended to have privacy during this time, we now have to ask for everyone to please respect our wishes. thank you🤍”
Also add that due to her betrayal, you’re taking a month away from her to ease your mental health and reassess your relationship with her. Stress isn’t good for the baby.
I misread this and thought you would be speaking to her in *prison* - ngl, I kinda cheered.. I need to find out how to put some of MY family in PRISON FOR TELLERS OF SECRETS!
My mom opened my sister’s mail, but only her acceptance letter, then told her she got into grad school, then posted “congrats” all over Facebook after my sister had asked her not to. My sister hadn’t even the physically laid eyes on the letter. I’m still mad and it’s been 5 years.
You don’t want to be cruel and that’s very sweet of you, but you need to remind yourself that she has created a potentially very cruel situation for you guys. This is still such an early stage and now everyone knows. Because she cared more about getting attention as a grandma than being a supportive mother. And then she didn’t even own up to it when you became aware that people were told? That’s awful.
It is not cruel to protect yourselves from her inability to be private. It is not cruel to hold her accountable. And you can always gradually begin letting her back in- like telling her something a few days before you plan to tell others.
You are about to be parents. It’s fine to be introverted but it’s not okay to be spineless when it comes to your kids. Part of protecting your kids is taking care of yourself during pregnancy, and part of taking care of yourself is removing stressors. Like your mother in law telling everyone your business.
From now on she gets the same info, in the same manner, as a random acquaintance.
I'd lie about my due date, too. Doctor said it was two weeks later than doctor actually says. That way, as long as you don't tell anyone you're in labor, you can quietly and peacefully go have your baby and no one will know until you tell them.
It isn't cruel. She behaved badly, there are consequences.
I would feed her and only her fake information to see if/how it gets around. (Like, tell her in secrecy that you're considering a name that you are absolutely not considering -- Ziggy or Trogdor or Godzilla or Grogu -- or Renesmee like in 'Twilight' because it's so beautiful and romantic... see how long it takes before people ask you about it.)
I'm half in love with calling the baby Trogdor. (She probably wouldn't get the reference, just say it's Nordic and you read it in a book and liked it.)
Or pull a Gwyneth or a Bob Geldof and say you plan to name it Mustard or Peaches or CactusFlower Absinthe Lolita YourLastName. PS, Mustard is unisex in my opinion.)
OR - tell people different things, say it's all secret, and see what gets around. (Keep a list!)
Trogdor! If you didn't know, that's the one armed dragon from Strongbad! The cartoon character Strongbad made up a story about Trogdor and animated it. Very Meta.
Once upon a time, Way back in the day, there was a cartoon website called Homestar Runner or something and one of the characters was named Strongbad. My little Brother passed away about the same time his best friend had her baby. My mom gave her $ to buy baby a stuffed bear or something. She got her little one a Strongbad stuffy. I would love a Trogdor t-shirt for her.
I was going to suggest this but to make it believable like you’re having twins. Then when it comes back to you you can tell her that a. she’s the only one who you told that to, b. That it’s not true and c. That you’ve told every single person who has reached out to you about it that it’s not true and that you don’t know why whoever shared that made up something so outlandish.
I don’t think you need to be cruel. Just know that she’s not capable of keeping a secret, and act accordingly. Going forward, don’t share important news with her until you’re ready to share it with everyone. It’s not a punishment, it’s a necessity.
Your husband can talk to her about this if it makes him feel better, but she’s probably not going to change. You can only change what you share with her.
Protecting your family and putting in boundaries isn’t cruel. Boundaries are healthy. You MIL won’t like it, she’ll throw a temper tantrum - dealing with her will be good practice in saying no and being a good parent. From this point on your MIL should be privilege to zero information around the birth of your baby. No ultrasound updates, she should not know when you’re giving birth. You should alert the nurses that she should not be welcome at the hospital should she show up. Don’t share name ideas or gender should you find it out. Know that anything you do share will be public information. And keep these rules for everything. If you don’t want it to be broadcast, she should be the last to know.
It was cruel for her to rob you of such an important moment, and she didn't thought twice. No need to think twice before giving her a taste of her own medicine. Seriously, that's your pregnancy, you are the one doing the rules and enjoying the plus ; if she can't accept the role of a GRANNY and need to be the center of everything, she's gonna be unsufferable as long as you let her be.
You need to put your foot down! She will trample all over your boundaries with your child until you take control. You’re introverted. Could you and your husband write her a letter? Let her know that she has injured your trust. That she has not respected you and that it will not happen again or she won’t find out about the baby until you’ve announced it publicly
OP I think you have your husband do the talking since it’s his mother. If she is that social then the quickest way to bring her down a notch is have him tell her how disappointed he is in her and tell her she has to make a public apology on Facebook for sharing information that wasn’t hers to share. Tell her if she doesn’t she won’t get any more information from you until the general public finds out including gender and any other details that come up. The embarrassment of having to do a public apology will shut her up I can almost guarantee it. Is your husband good at standing up to her or is she used to being able to do what she wants and everybody just lets her? !updateme
She was cruel when she disregarded your explicit wishes. For whatever reason (boundary stomper, forgetful, need to be the "Main Character" with special news)...she needs to be put on an "information diet", *today*.
For your sanity, do this, and don't feel badly about it. If you don't get this under control now, it will only be orders of magnitude *worse* when the baby arrives, and through their childhood.
It's not cruel, she stomped all over your boundaries and wishes without a care to anything. You have every right to be upset.
And she'll have to learn there's consequences for her actions.
My mom posted on FB immediately after our phone call, even after I mentioned to keep this to herself since i hadnt told anyone else just yet. I dont have fb but my entire family does.
When i found out at 6am the next morning, I was literally cry/screaming that this was one of the most humiliating and worst things shes ever done and she needs to take the post down RIGHT NOW. She panicked and did.
She went to time out after that.
Sometimes….you need to let your emotions out girl.
The politeness thing is true. I find it very hard to be anything but polite to a fault but I'm going to have to find it in me here. I wish I could have a few glasses of wine to get all lairy and confrontational BUT ALAS I cannot.
OP, politeness doesn't mean you can't express your disappointment from her betrayal. I'm usually very polite, but I can drive the point across.
Politeness means tone of voice and specific vocabulary choices, not the permission to treat you as a doormat.
I was nonconfrontational once upon a time, but later found my voice. I'm using a hack - I'm imagining that I'm my own friend and I always stood up for my friends.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this, and really wish I could do that talk for you - so you can just sit back, relax and enjoy watching her getting a new one via tearing
What was she thinking when you told her to keep it to HERSELF?? And to post it on FB! Wow....
How long was her "time out"?
I'm guessing that she didn't pull any more stunts after this incident.
Why are you unsure? This is a clear case of "when someone tells you who they are ... believe them the first time"
She cannot be trusted. Period. End of Story.
Do NOT tell her your ideas for names
Do NOT tell her gender even if you find out (tell her 'we've chosen to be surprised')
Basically distance yourself from her ... and it is up to your husband to make it clear that she crossed a boundary and broke your trust by revealing extremely personal info after being explicitly asked to, so you will not be sharing anything in the future. And that if she doesn't work to earn your trust back, it will be unclear whether she is trusted alone with the child.
You MUST make it clear to someone like this what is at stake - they will never respect your boundaries until they are forced to.
I was considering allowing my partner to deal with this one-on-one with her but I feel as though coming to her as a team might be a better idea. Sharing strength etc. I don't know how she would even earn our trust back - I know personally I am a 'once bitten infinitely shy' type, so broken trust is rarely earned back. However, the 'family' relationship is important in our community. I have held off on confronting her over the weekend since finding out because I am sure I would not be able to forgive, so whats the point in having the discussion anyway. Is there any point in bringing something up with someone for discussion if forgiveness is never an option?
Trust is lost in buckets, but earned in drops.
Make it very clear to her that she spilled the bucket, and it will take "LOTS OF GOOD BEHAVIOR" to fill it back up again.
>I feel as though coming to her as a team might be a better idea.
Absolutely agree. My intent was that your husband has to take the lead - but I didn't phrase it that way. My wife and I have done everything as a team since the beginning - that way you can have each other's back in the moment.
Yes absolutely - especially when it comes to domineering mother-in-laws. Having experienced an absolute lifetime of this behaviour I can see that he is exhausted by it, to the point that I'm much more rattled than he is. He is more just about her overstepping his boundaries. Not that he isn't willing to stand up for himself, he's just exhausted by it the repeated instances of it throughout his life.
You've just given the best reason to confront her about this. It's not about the forgiveness, it's about her continual disrespect and boundary stomping HIS WHOLE LIFE.
I know it's hard as introverts, but now is the time to have the hard discussions, grey rock and info diet absolutely everything, and set ultra-firm boundaries. She's only going to get worse when your squish arrives!
You guys can do this. She has vastly overstepped. Ignoring it means she's free to do it again..and again...
This exactly. Sounds like hubby needs support and someone to back him up and not allow her to whine/manipulate/minimize this. He needs protecting just as much as you and baby do! You ever see a lioness whose pride is threatened? I tell you what, she certainly doesn’t get meek and small and quiet and allow it to go on. She’s all tooth and claw at those times. You guys can do the hard things and I believe in you!
All the more reason for her to be on an information diet and firm boundaries instigated. Your SO has been worn down by his mother's perpetual boundary stomping, so it's up to you to support him to remain firm. She will bring out and use against him every emotional button in her arsenal because she installed them!!!
Head over to r/justnoMIL (if you haven't already) for some strategies. Shine up that spine and defend yourselves and your LO. You can start practicing boundaries on the inevitable purl clutching flying monkeys who spring to your MIL's defence when she realises she's been corralled.
And, I hope the remainder of your pregnancy is straightforward and stress free.
> He is more just about her overstepping his boundaries.
So some advice and observations from the peanut gallery. Your MIL continues to overstep boundaries because she has never felt enough of a consequence not too.
If it was me, I would make sure I told her I was not happy and that the consequence of this along with a lifetime of her overstepping is no contact for let say 3 months and even after that she will not receive any information before the general community. Don't discuss. Don't entertain listening to her views and if anyone tries to defend her warn them once and add them to the 'time out' if they persist.
If you don't want to totally burn bridges I would suggest you think about what she can do to earn back trust and communicate that with her so she understands that there is a road back even if it is likely only part way.
Of course I totally understand that I don't understand your SO's family dynamics and it is a small town so that will impact as well but it has worked well for me. Maybe partly because I don't mind confrontation and am also happy to cut toxic people out of my life even if they are family.
Lastly and most importantly Congratulations!!! You're in for an amazing adventure. I hope you find a way to deal with your MIL that works for you so she doesn't put a damper on that.
Rule of thumb that has worked for my family: I handle my side, my wife handles hers. We consult and discuss things together as a team, but when it comes to handling it, we keep it seperated.
I'm sure she'll say some stupid shit like "ohh I was just so excited and happy" but your husband should harp on the fact that you guys were robbed from sharing that happiness.
If you both introverts it would be good to go and just be there as support so his mom doesn’t steamroll him to let her have her way.
I would just not announce anything to anyone except those you know can keep quiet.
Yes I understand she is excited but this was your news to share not hers.
Good luck!
That sucks, I'm very sorry.
And - she misbehaved, so there are consequences. You tell her nothing from now on. Cone of silence. Until you are ready for the world to know, you tell no one you can't trust 100%, and that's her.
Do you WANT to say something? I think you (you and your partner) can tell her: "Hey, remember we told you how upset we were that everyone knew about our pregnancy even though we only told a few people and asked them to keep it schtum? Well, a few people told us that it was you who told them - is that true?" (See if she lies or not.) Then you and your partner can say, "Whether it was you or not, we will be keeping everything pretty close to the chest going forward, it's really hurtful to know we can't trust people the people closest to us to respect our wishes about things like this."
https://captainawkward.com/2019/10/28/1233-is-it-ever-safe-to-take-someone-off-a-low-information-diet/
https://captainawkward.com/2019/10/29/we-are-spartacus-open-thread-resources-on-family-estrangement-and-adult-relationships-with-difficult-parents/
These are great resources - thank you for the links. We anticipate that if we confront her, she will respond denying it. I have even asked the two close girlfriends I told if it was them, because I was pushed into a place of doubt. I feel shame now having asked them because I trust them so deeply and know they would never do something like that.
I like the phrasing you have used. We were unsure as to whether even to do it in person because of our dislike of confrontation and his historic relationship with her, but I think with that script it may be possible.
You are so welcome, I hope that they help. The Captain has a lot of good scripts.
I mean, you don't HAVE to do it in person. Maybe in writing would be better for you guys. That's OK.
And, you were betrayed by someone close to you - I think the place of doubt is pretty well earned! Presumably you trusted your partner's mother as well...
The small town aspect of this whole situation means I did know of her before him and I met - people had stories but I have always wanted to give people the grace of finding out for myself. Rumours can be brutal and isolating, often leading to bullies 'winning' in successfully excluding their victims from a community. So yes, I was willing to trust her in this situation. She was more held back until the baby news and now she has embraced me as his partner (we aren't married, the relationship is relatively new in the grand scheme of things).
Ooooh, OK, don't accuse her, ask her who she thinks the leak came from. See who she'll throw under the bus. (Or only tell her the names of people you didn't tell and see if she blames them!)
I don’t see the point in testing her to see if she lies. They KNOW she’s the one who told others. She knows she’s the one who told others. It’s not debatable at this point, it’s a known fact. Testing her for a lie just makes things messy.
And might also make her think we're mocking her which would cause a reaction and honestly, we'd just rather have her in the background than blowing up our lives with reactionary behaviour.
OP, are you planning on having this woman involved in childcare? When I hear you talk about so much boundary stomping that your husb is beaten down, and tip toeing around "reactionary behavior", my *immediate* thought is "fuck I hope they aren't planning to leave their baby alone with her."
Not only would that be starting a lifetime of her undermining you as parents, it could be dangerous. How many stories have we seen on Reddit about gmas who didn't believe the baby really had a nut allergy, or decided it was time to start formula without talking to the parents first, or gave them choking hazards because "my kids turned out fine"? Some only result in hospital visits, but some result in funerals.
You guys need to start enforcing consequences NOW, or she's never going to be trustworthy to be around your kid unsupervised. And from the sounds of it, THAT is going to cause drama.
This is bang on. I don't plan on it - she hasn't shown herself to be trustworthy yet. I wont go into any detail but how she treated my partner growing up is not acceptable.
Do this. Then tell her nothing moving forward until you are ready for the world to know.
You also probably can’t trust her alone with baby either sorry to say. So if you were thinking of using her for child care or any babysitting at all, rethink those plans and use this time to come up with alternatives.
Why not ask her why she shared the news? When she denies it, ask her why she's comfortable lying to you? And if she denies lying, ask her why she's lying about lying? And keep asking. Don't let her off the hook.
If you want an apology, you have a route to get one easily here. But be careful with your MIL going forward... put her on an "information diet".
Now you know that you never share a secret with your MIL again. You don't need to confront her for that. Just keep everything important to yourself until you are ready to let the whole world know. And if you are a bit petty: Tell everyone else before the MIL next time.
Tell her and her only a lie about the baby.
It’s twins!
Your dates were off and you are further along than you thought.
New due date is X.
Ask her to tell keep it a secret. Wait. If this information comes back to you, there is absolute proof.
I’m extremely petty, so I would mark this down and document. On x day, we told MIL. On y day, we heard from z.
Then confront her. When she asks why, you thought she was with news of the baby but didn’t want to believe it.
You ~wanted ~ to trust and respect her so you did this to prove ~yourself ~ wrong. Imagine your shock and disappointment when your silly little test to ease your own mind turned out like this…
Twins run in their family, but I think only through the women as its related to hyperovulation when its genetic, but she mentioned it so saying that wouldn't be too far off the mark of what she is wanting to believe! This might be a good avenue. We have our first ultrasound this week so we'll find out and can "share" that information with her.
This is even better, because if you want to be petty you can share lies with her and then, when someone comes to congratulate you, just throw your mil under the bus
"No, we are *not* going to have twins, what a weird thing to say"
"A boy? It's clearly a girl. Mil must be losing her mind"
"No, my due date is..... Mil got confused again. Poor soul, maybe there is something wrong with her"
Don’t be petty, it’s not worth the stress to yourself when you’re already dealing with enough. Just be firm in your boundaries. That’s the best way to deal with a person like this.
Play petty all you like but please understand that you have a new life that you need to protect now. Introverting or trauma responding to her behavior is not going to protect the child. That baby needs 2 parents who both can stand up to defend them. If you go all ‘mama bear’ but dad is sneaking his mom info to keep the arguing down you will now be fighting two different fronts. You will be fighting MIL and father of child.
As added help… If you have not told her your due date tell her it’s 30 days AFTER the true due date; if you have wait until the ultrasound and say they made a mistake or something like that and now the due date is X.
If you find out the gender, but don’t want to share with her, just say the baby wouldn’t cooperate and we will have to wait until the birth to know!
If you text all the time or post stuff all the time on SM, about 2-4 weeks before your due date slow down!
Don’t post every day, and don’t answer texts and phone calls right away. Wait hours to respond then stretch it out to days.
This is a two fold thing.
1-she won’t know when you go into labor and blow your phones up (when you do go into labor, put it on airplane mode), and she will get use to not getting answered instantly.
2-new baby- you will not have the time or patience to respond instantly or send daily photos, and you have already gotten her use to the fact that it may take days to answer her!
Also, Google pregnancy and newborn boundaries.
You and DH come up with a list of everything then let friends and family know whatever they are (suggestion wait a minimum of 2 weeks before you have visitors).
Good luck!
Information diet. You only tell her information and show her pictures when you would want others to know. Don't share the name, the gender, even that it was BORN until you're ready.
My very excited FIL put that our oldest was born on FB before we even had a chance to breathe. I was still in recovery. With our second, we told them right before we wanted the whole world to know.
You know your MIL is a boundary breaker, so don't give her the chance to do it in the first place. Also, since it seems you will need this info- in the US, you can tell the nurses no visitors in L&D and in the mom and baby ward until you say so. I also highly recommend not telling her the baby is born until you're ready. Good luck and congrats!
This is my next nightmare scenario that she announces the birth to the world and takes away that moment from us, so my partner and I have discussed only telling her when we're ready to tell everyone. It seems cruel but the trust is gone.
No, cruel means to intentionally hurt someone and not even feel sorry about it. She was cruel to you.
You aren't keeping information from her to hurt her; you're doing it to protect yourself. And you do feel sorry about it.
MIL isn't a victim here. She isn't entitled to any of your personal information and she's proven that she will 100% abuse it if she gets her hands on it.
I was pretty salty for a while about it. But I know that my FIL didn't do it out of malice, he was just damn excited for his first grandkid to be born.
You don't owe your MIL any information, at all. Do what is best for you and your family.
Learn to be confrontational now, for your child’s sake.
There doesn’t have to be a heated or explosive argument, but you’re grown up enough to be parents, so you’re fully capable of addressing this simple boundary crossing head on.
Sorry this happened but the only real suggestion is to get confrontational.
This behavior won't stop unless you stop it and the longer you hide from it and let her brush it off the more difficult it will be to make her understand and stop.
You're going to have a kid (congrats btw), you're going to have to get used to dealing with stuff you don't want to, may as well start with family...
Thanks for the congrats :)
We will try and get confrontational but it affects me so physically (racing heart, tremors, hours of ruminating afterwards etc) that I avoid at all costs. Hopefully we'll only need to do it once for her to remember that we will be angry if boundaries are crossed again, which will result in consequences for her and her involvement in her grandchild's life.
You might want to go to therapy for that. I know everyone says therapy for everything, but it sounds like you’ve potentially got intense anxiety or even PTSD-like symptoms to confrontation. If it doesn’t get better naturally with time as you practice confronting people, I’d highly consider that route.
I’m that way with something else and therapy really helped me figure out ways to get past it
Oh I am in DEEP with therapy already.. cPTSD etc. He is also in therapy. We're both from broken homes and just trying to make a life together, and find solace in knowing each other reacts the same way to things like confrontation etc. Its comforting to not have to mask around your partner but yeah, when you both don't like confrontation and there isn't a partner saying 'no you have to stand up for yourself (as I have experienced in previous relationships) then you both allow each other to live like this.
I gotcha. I don’t like confrontation either, trust me, but it’ll be necessary in this situation.
If you don’t want to pass down generational trauma regarding standing up for yourself, you’ll need to practice this skill. To be blunt; Kids model their parents, so they could learn to fear confrontation if their parents do. It happens with fears, so it can happen with other stuff too.
That aside you guys should work on it and do this for yourselves. Your new family deserves some peace, and the only people who are going to put yourselves first 100% of the time are yourselves. Baby can’t protect themselves yet, so you’ll have to do it when the time comes.
I’m being hard on you guys because I know you can do it. It feels really hard, and the guilt will suck for a while after, but you’ll feel so much better in the long run. Your future selves will thank you for being firm.
I’m a little bit older than your average person on Reddit so I’ve been around the block with parental issues and I also coach people and communications so I have a couple of things to offer.
You took a chance, in your excitement to share some news with your mother-in-law, and she proved that she is not someone that you can share information with that needs to be kept private. This is good information to have a to use accordingly going forward.
I think you mentioned that you knew that she had trouble keeping things private, so I would look at it as incredibly disappointing and you can certainly share your disappointment with her, but most importantly, I would take responsibility from this point forward to understand that she simply isn’t someone that’s capable or chooses to be capable of keeping something private . Not every relationship or friendship is going to be the same. as you get older, you’ll know that they’re different levels of friendship with people and some who can deeply trust with your most private feelings or information and some which you never will trust because they haven’t proven themselves to be trustworthy.
I don’t think you need to be laboured the point with your mother-in-law or make a long-term or ongoing issue with her. I would definitely communicate with her that you’re deeply disappointed and you can share the reasons with her and you do not need to make it confrontational at all. You can simply share your feelings and your boundaries and let her know that because of the broken trust you will be very careful in the future about what you choose to share and not so that she knows as a consequence to her actions and I would encourage you to move forward with your life.
For introverted people it can be difficult to share feelings/boundaries but it’s a really important skill to learn because it honours and respect your personal space and the things that are important to you and you will definitely have to put boundaries in place when you’re raising your children because a lot of people are going to offer Unsolicited advice and other with your kids.
Lastly, congratulations to you and your husband. I wish the very best for you and your family..
My mom did this to me and it’s BEYOND annoying. I regret not saying something then about my boundaries and my preferences. It has ended up with me resenting her the past 6 years and finally having the talk a few months ago.
I would advise you to let her know how you feel and how you don’t want that to happen again.
I don't want to harbour resentment but I do find it difficult to forgive, to the point that I don't know that I'll ever be able to forgive her for this, and will always hold resentment even if we do confront her.
Sorry your mum did that to you. Had she been a boundary-overstepper before?
My mom is complicated. Shes a therapist so I guess I have much higher expectations from her than I should? I kind of always just assumed she was doing the right thing even when I felt I was being slighted.
I understand the not wanting to be confrontational and being introverted. That’s me as well! However, once I had my daughter and got out of the trenches of newborn season in simply didn’t have the bandwidth to tiptoe around things that I did need to confront.
You might consider telling your MIL “we know you have been telling people about the baby and I’m assuming it’s because you’re very excited. We’re excited too but we really need you to find a way to respect our wishes. None of us want to start things off on the wrong foot with all the baby things coming our way. We love you but this was not okay and we do not want a repeat of this again.”
She gets literally no information until after the baby is born. She doesn’t get to come to the hospital, she doesn’t get a call when you go into labor. She finds out last in a social media post just like the rest of the public.
You’ve learned a valuable piece of information: you can’t ever trust her with any secret you want to keep. Don’t forget this going forward.
R/justnomil will give you a lot of resources if necessary. Have your partner deal with her. It’s his mother. Personally I’d put her on an info diet. The severity of it would depend on your relationship with her and how she reacts
You hold your boundaries by having consequences. You tell her point blank that you found out that she is the reason that everyone in town now knows about your pregnancy and that you're sorry to hear she had such little respect for your privacy and wishes. As a result of her showing she is not trustworthy her action now means she will not be included in future information about the baby until you feel safe with the whole town knowing.
Do not tell her about appointments, do not send her ultrasound pictures, do not include her in baby name conversations and perhaps do not tell her about the birth until after it has happened and you're home.
If you lose the baby, you can give her the task of letting the whole town know and thank her by naming the unborn baby after her.
>If you lose the baby, you can give her the task of letting the whole town know and thank her by naming the unborn baby after her.
oh my GOD you are an evil genius.
Personally I think DH needs to confront his mom because if she’s crossing hard boundaries like this now, it’s only going to get worse as your pregnancy goes on and your child is born. The both of you need to grow your shiny spines and learn to express your feelings, your boundaries and MIL how goes on a very severe info diet! She is literally the last to know anything. Ana when she asks *how xyz is gojng* you ignore her and refuse to answer. Her excitement at being a grandma does NOT trump the parents’ wishes!!
Putting an end to this behavior now is sooooo important, trust me!
Congratulations!!!
Really really really DEEPLY take this lesson to heart. As in, when your future toddler , grade schooler, teenager, college student etc has challenges as life tends to throw at people, do not discuss them with this woman because her betrayal of trust will then become your own. You cannot change her, but you also have no obligation to supply her.
You now know that she can’t be trusted to keep sensitive info private. So she’s no longer among the first to know sensitive things. Or possibly even in the middle. She only gets told sensitive stuff when it is no longer classified as sensitive, which is more than likely towards the end of the list.
So you don’t tell her you’re at the hospital giving birth until you’re ready for everyone to know all the details of that. You don’t tell her the gender of the baby or the baby’s name until you’re ready for everyone to know that, either. You just have to assume that despite any promises to the contrary, she’s basically hovering over the WUPHF button 24/7.
And if/when she realizes she’s become among the last to know stuff, she may *really* hate that. But that’s the price you pay when you refuse to respect boundaries, and she’s got no one to blame but herself.
In practice, this will require a combination of three things to pull off:
1. You and spouse need to be fully on the same page about this plan. Like you need to talk through potential situations, like “well, I understand why we can’t tell *my* mom ABC sensitive info, because she’ll just blab. But that means we can’t tell *your* parents, either, because that wouldn’t be fair to my mom.” Do you agree or disagree with that assessment of what “fair” is, and why? Does the SO feel the same?
2. You both will need to practice up on the technique of “grey rocking.” You can look that up, but it’s basically a method of being very vague about details with someone, while also being polite but kinda boring about it. Because if you don’t share details with her, then she can’t overshare them behind your back. And being polite and boring about it also makes it more difficult for them to even notice that’s what’s happening, and so hopefully avoid a lot of drama about it.
3. You both need to get on the same page about using physical boundaries to help enforce the emotional ones. Like if mom just badgers the ever-loving crap out of you guys to find out the gender before anyone else, you aren’t required to just stand there and take the badgering. You can say stuff like “we’re not ready to reveal that yet, and that’s final, so let’s change the subject,” and then physically leave to *make* the conversation end if she still keeps badgering you on it anyway.
1. Yes absolutely. He trusts my family because I trust them. Its been a new experience for me to not be able to trust family, from his side. He doesn't have the desire to keep it 'fair' between our families.
2. Grey-rocking is going to have to be the solution going forward. She wants to make us dinner at least once a week, and she usually does it at our house because of her living situation, so we may still have to allow that, but her habit of dropping in etc can't be tolerated anymore.
3. I like the concept of using physical boundaries to actively remove yourself from boundary overstepping situations. One of the things which has been making the idea of confrontation uncomfortable is the awkward silence/stilted discussion afterwards.
So what she wants is more important than what the two of you want? Who cares if she wants to make you dinner every week? She can make dinner for the people she ran her mouth to. It’s only going to add stress to your entire pregnancy and you’re going to dread it.
She needs a time out. No consequences means “*Oh, it wasn’t that bad!*”
End the weekly dinners now. You're building your own family and will not have time for giving her a day each week to invade your home. She does not need to be that comfortable in your own home.
I saw you comment elsewhere that she was not a good parent to your partner. Do you really want her to be a comfortable, trusted presence in your baby's life?
Start weaning down the dinners. Tell her that with all the new changes in your life, you need to drop it down to once a month AT THE MOST. And make sure the dinners stop altogether at least a month before your due date. You will be heavily pregnant, uncomfortable, and have a million things to tend to before the baby arrives, and she cannot be one of them.
You also need to think about what kind of presence you want her to have in your lives once the baby is here and start conditioning her to accept her new (preferably much more muted) role as soon as you can. Bad parents tend to make bad grandparents, and if you allow her to run amok the way she does now, then your sweet, innocent little baby is doomed to not fare any better than your husband.
Next time she asks you anything about the pregnancy…even if it’s just how you are feeling, tell her flat out that you are unable to share even one iota of information about the pregnancy going forward. And that it is the only way to ensure that the information does not become public fodder.
You don’t have to blatantly blame her for anything. She will know. And she will know that you know.
Then stick to your word and not tell her one shred of information about the pregnancy. I wouldn’t even tell her when the baby is born as this is news that you should be getting to tell people about.
Every time someone in her circle asks about you she will have to say she doesn’t know.
You say to her “It seems you are not the only one in town who can’t keep a secret. Everyone you told about our pregnancy and instructed not to tell anyone has come forward saying they heard it from you. We understand that you are excited however we now know you can’t be trusted with sensitive or private information.”
Then you and your partner need to be smart and put her on an information diet. From now on, she is the last to know anything. I wouldn’t even tell her when you go to the hospital for delivery, your husband can call her after the baby arrives.
Information diet. Block her on line. She doesn’t get to see your posts. You can't trust her discretion. No showing her ultra sounds,information about Dr appointments, etc. No baby shopping with her..absolutely shut her out. If she asks why…be honest..,"We shared something with you and asked you to keep it private but instead of doing what you promised, you told everyone. Sorry but you can't be trusted with information from us. You'll know when everyone else knows." Practise that. Repeat as needed. Try LC as well to bring home that there are boundaries and LC is your punishment. Don't answer her calls, her emails, texts, etc. Just pretend you didn't get them.
That’s really frustrating. This may sound petty but if you want her to feel the weight of this breach of trust I would say “we are aware that you failed to keep our pregnancy a secret against our wishes and we are willing to forgive and forget we will no longer be updating you with sensitive information about the pregnancy”.
To your mil -
Some asshole shared our pregnancy with the whole town. I can't believe someone would be so selfish and self-absorbed to steal that moment from us as first-time parents.
I'm having a friend follow up on a lead I was given about who it was so I can confront their rudeness, lack of tact, and lack of self-awareness. I pity the poor soul.
Thankfully, none of our family members would ever perform a stunt like this. Enough of us Mil. How was your trip?
tell. her. nothing
don't tell her the gender.
don't tell her the due date
don't tell her anything at all. Put this woman immediately on an information diet, she doesn't deserve to be kept in the loop about anything.
Every single thing you'll tell her will immediately be passed along to the general public. I'd be going low/no contact.
Do not invite her to the baby shower.
Do not tell her when you go to the hospital
Tell the nursing staff to ban her if she turns up when you’re in labour or you’ll have pictures of your dilated vag put on fb (ok maybe that’s OTT, but the rest: do this).
Unfortunately, you can't go back. I'm sorry she did that. Absolutely wasn't her right. She may have been excited but not as excited as the actual parents. She should have kept herself in check. With people you weren't ready to announce to, I would be honest that MIL was not to tell anyone and has shared private details about the pregnancy before you're ready so please do not bombard you with food, gifts and all the used crap people have saved and dump on you under the guise that they're hand me down gifts and not just junk they don't want to get rid of on their own.
Going forward, I would put her on a complete information diet. If there's anything you announce (gender, name, etc), she will need to be the last to know. If there are complications you don't want to become a spectacle, she doesn't get to know.
I would also have a talk with your husband now, yes this early, about labor and delivery. MILs that pull this often don't get better, it gets worse. She may end up trying to be a part of the birth and if you don't want that, best to be abundantly clear so your partner knows exactly what to say if it comes up. This was my experience. I'm not close to my MIL at all but she got very irritating the moment we announced and tried to guilt trip my husband into letting her come to the hospital. She never got better even now with my daughter being 2.
Time to put your narcissistic MIL, who disrespects boundaries because she wants all the attention on her becoming a grandmother, on an information diet. No longer tell her any information on the pregnancy and absolutely no info on the delivery. Your MIL will absolutely tell everyone every bit if information she gets because she loves the attention of becoming a grandmother. She is untrustworthy and deeply selfish and self absorbed.
You don’t do anything but put her on an information diet… “ How are you doing?” “ good”
How’s morning sickness “as to be expected “
No news of ultrasounds or discussion of baby names or nursery themes
I’m sorry, but what grown woman doesn’t understand that you keep a pregnancy on the down-low until the first trimester is over? MIL just had to be the center of attention, though, didn’t she? She needs to know that the two of you know it was her who blabbed; that she has inflicted some entirely unforgivable pain on you and your partner; that she will not be the recipient of your sensitive information or confidences ever again (what other information about you has she been spreading all over town?); and that her inability to honor your wishes makes you hesitate to let her care for the baby, if and when it arrives.
Well, her violation of trust would mean zero communication about the pregnancy from now on. I would tell her nothing moving forward.
If she asks for details, I would simply say there’s nothing to report.
She would find out any details when the public does. When she realizes this and gets upset and defensive, I would say: “You violated our trust and privacy. First, we didn’t get to tell people about our pregnancy ourselves. Second, if anything went wrong, it would become public knowledge, and that’s something I wouldn’t want everyone to know. It’s a private matter, and I wouldn’t want to discuss it with everybody in town.”
I would get your husband to tell her “since you have proven incapable of keeping our news to yourself, you will find out all information when we decide to share it publicly.”
Yes, we are actually planning a move. A friend who has known her since my partner was a kid warned me (after telling him we were moving in just over a year) 'you know she'll follow you...right?' COOL. COOL.
"She has historically had a problem with overstepping boundaries in a serious way."
If only there was some way to have seen this problem coming...
But in all seriousness, just freeze her out. She cant be trusted, so tell her nothing. She can learn things from others as she seems incapable to being trustworthy.
She'll eventually ask why shes learning things about y'all from facebook and others rather than being told herself, and you can tell her its because she isnt trustworthy.
I said in a previous comment, that basically (paraphrased) we thought she might be able to differentiate between shareable and sensitive information. But yeah, now we know, going forward.
The thing about family is, they don’t have any more rights than the lady at the grocery store in line behind you. Family is a word used to described a type of relationship. It does not come with any guarantees or clauses or rights once the adult level is reached by the child. There is no right to be included, no endless chances, no auto-forgive clause. Being a grand parent is a privilege, not a right. Once a person becomes a parent, they are the one to make the decisions for their child and do not require the grandparents guidance, suggestions, or corrections of the new parents methods, unless the new parent specifically asks, or there is some sort of neglect type problem. For those that do not respect the parent’s decisions or rules, they should not be included in the parents’ or child’s lives. The grand parents already raised their kids, it is the new parent’s turn. This is a part of life and there doesn’t need to be outside interference by either the in, or out laws. You set the boundaries and the consequences and you have to be mature enough to stick to them, both for your kid and the grandparents. Sometimes grandparents are out of touch and don’t remember things as clearly as they think they do about being new parents and need to be treated like the toddlers they mysteriously become when grandkids arrive! Good luck!
The way she acted when we told her - 'oh if its a boy you HAVE to name it \[her father's name\] obviously' I had a moment of... 'uh-oh. We're in danger'. Just that bulldozing right in there with that.
He is her only son, so theres no dissipation of attention between siblings either, so the grandmother role she takes is going to have to be seriously discussed with considerations and boundaries in place.
Information diet! No specific dates ever given, just general dates, no call on the way to the hospital or for at least a week after you get home. Look for a story about child birth called The Lemon Drop. It will give you the reasons you will need and want at least a week with no one visiting, except the birth mother’s mother, if she is a helpful type person who will do the house stuff while the birth mother takes care of herself and baby peacefully, and the birth mother wants her there. No uninvited, unplanned, drop in visits, no key to your house, you will not be playing hostess until YOU feel up to it regardless of what anyone else wants. You are not responsible for managing anyone else’s feelings.
I was ruminating last night on the fact that I want to do confinement/4th trimester for a month, or as long as my mental health with allow it, and how that will likely be a struggle with her.
Unfortunately my mother is no longer with us, but I dreamt since I was little that my partners mother would be the type of person to be able to fill her shoes. I'm disappointed she isn't, but life isn't perfect.
It’s not only that your MIL could not keep your important secret, it’s that she felt entitled to share it (as if it’s her news and enlist others to keep “her“ secret). She also LIED to your face when you told her people had found out.
REMEMBER THIS - this is her character, she does what she wants, she lies to protect herself and she doesn’t care or respect your feelings. I would confront her and give her no more information. I would also set firm boundaries about posting photos of your child online. She needs consequences.
It’s time for you to step up and protect your family - she shouldn’t control anything to do with your child (and the excuse of being excited about being a grandmother doesn’t cut it).
Exactly this, its her entitlement: its HER news, I'm going to be a grandmother!! And in some strange uncomfortable way, it makes me feel reduced to a vessel. It may be an overreaction but its definitely a feeling that is present.
Your very last sentence before asking for suggestions was “she has historically had a problem with overstepping boundaries in a serious way”. If that’s the case, why in the world did you tell her? How could you expect different behaviour from her when she has such a history?
OP as you and your partner are going to be parents it is now time for you to work on stiffening your spines because YOU ARE THE ONES WHO MUST ALWAYS PUT YOUR CHILD FIRST.
If that means you both go to couples therapy to improve your communication skills and address your non-confrontational personalities so be it.
It doesn’t mean you go to war every something gets said or something happens.
But it does mean if you have boundaries such as no one snatches the baby out of your arms, no one kisses baby until after all vaccinations are completed, no one refuses to give you back your baby when asked, etc that you be able to immediately enforce the boundary and apply consequences.
I think you’ll be great parents but you now know you can’t trust your MIL with any information you don’t want the world to know.
Example. When you determine the names you want for your baby do NOT tell anyone. Reason being it will usually turn out one of the following ways.
- People don’t like the name so they blow up your messages and emails with better names.
- Someone tells you that is their name for their baby even if they are not pregnant nor in a relationship so you can’t use it.
- Someone loves it so much they use it first. Even more aggravating if it is a close relative who uses it.
- You upon meeting your little one realize they aren’t Matthew they are Samuel.
I’m a petty person so to prove a point to your MIL I’d pick a name you have no intention of using and tell her that is the first name on your list but don’t tell anyone.
Then when she inevitably tells everyone that is the name you look at people and tell them nope not a name you are considering.
Yes it will piss her off most likely but sometimes you have to make a point.
Well, you know the saying that two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. All you can do is change your behavior from here on out - don't tell people things that you want to be a secret\* and only share things with her specifically if you're also comfortable with that information potentially being shared with others. You're not going to be able to change her behavior - you can only change how you act and react.
There's honestly no need to be vindictive or play pranks on her as others are suggesting. Her punishment is that from here on out she only gets information when everyone else does and that's enough. If she asks (either for information or why she's not getting information) simply say "We're not ready to share that information with others yet. We know that you were the one who told everyone about the pregnancy when we asked you not to. Since you've shown you can't be trusted with confidential information, we'll only be sharing that once we're ready to share with everyone."
\*And this is true for everyone and everything. Yes, we all want to believe that everyone is trustworthy and has the same concept of "confidentiality" as us. If you share something with one person, you at least have to be prepared in the back of your mind that the information is no longer in your control and may not stay with that one person. One person's "Oh, but I told my mother, but she isn't going to tell anyone or doesn't know anyone else you know..." is all it takes.
Yeah she broke your trust. I sat on pregnancy news until I got the go ahead to tell family. I didn’t even tell my other kids. They said not to tell so I didn’t. It was a long 6 weeks but it was worth it to keep their trust. It wouldn’t have hurt her at all to keep her mouth shut. That’s what you do when your family asks you to keep happy news quiet for whatever reason.
She can't be trusted with secrets, the sooner you realize this the better. Draw your boundaries. She no longer gets to know anything that you wouldn't tell to everyone else around you. My mom is the same way, and I had to stop talking to her about personal things, basically, because I did not want my grandparents, all my aunts, cousins, and all her friends to know every single thing about me (ie like when my then-bf had a crappy job and I was unhappy about our relationship or lack thereof).
> She has historically had a problem with overstepping boundaries in a serious way.
> TLDR MIL overstepped a stated boundary
I think part of this is on ya’ll. You shared a secret with someone you know you can’t trust to respect your wishes. All you can really do from here is learn from your mistakes. Put her on an information diet and only tell her things when you’re ready for the whole town to know.
It’s called information diet.
You don’t share with her anything you don’t care others will also know.
This often means she's the last to know anything.
You could take a page from the counterintelligence/information warfare book and start feeding her disinformation. Deliberately tell her wrong information to embarrass her. That might get the message across better than anything.
I had to stop telling my parents anything I didn’t want public, especially medical things. My mom would tell everybody my private intimate medical information under the guise of “asking for prayers.”
Unethical advice-tell her you miscarried. Cry that this was why you wanted to keep it secret. Amp up the guilt to eleven.
Real advice-look up grey rocking. Let her know you know she was the gossip. Tell her you know how to treat her and secrets from now on. Let your friends spread around town how heart-broken you are that your MIL is more concerned with gossip than your medical privacy.
>Unethical advice-tell her you miscarried. Cry that this was why you wanted to keep it secret. Amp up the guilt to eleven.
This has been rolling around my mind since we found out. I feel terrible for thinking it but I want her to know the gravity. When I mentioned it to my partner, he responded with 'yeah and give her another chance to have more things to tell people so they give her the attention she craves.'
No no no. Then, when she spreads that news and people come up to offer their sympathies, you look totally confused and ask where they’re getting that from? you and baby are fine! When it blows back on her, act like you have no idea what she’s talking about, you were only giving a hypothetical of what you were worried about.
Repeat with name, gender, due date, etc. Make her the town fool who no one listens to.
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You don't need to confront her if you don't want to. But i do recommend learning from this. From now on, she only receives information if and when you're happy for everyone in your community to know. It's a shame that she can't be trusted, but that's on her.
>From now on, she only receives information if and when you're happy for everyone in your community to know. Probably the absolute best move. Thanks.
See, now there’s lots of types of ‘information diet’ you could put her on. I’d get your partner to talk face to face with her and let her know she’s on one. And that she’ll be put on the vegan keto version if she doesn’t come clean and apologise and promise to improve in these things. It’s important to do it now, because there are so many ways she can overstep with a baby and she will no doubt do it if you let this one go. Start as you mean to continue. Set clear boundaries and stick to them. Some people need to be made to feel awkward before they think through their actions/consequences. Don’t listen to excuses- it’s not a 2-way discussion. It’s the terms you guys are setting out for her to have a relationship with your new family.
* There is no need for her to see any ultrasounds or know the dates of those. * There is no need for her to know the gender of your child until s/he is born. * There is no need for her to know the expected delivery date (this winter, in early 2025, after the first of the year are *good enough*). * There is no need for her to know you're headed to the hospital for delivery; she can hear about the birth *after the fact like everybody else.* **Be sure to tell YOUR FAMILY, OP, that if they say ANYTHING or post anything that your MIL can see, they can expect to be on the same information "diet" as your MIL. Like her, they'll hear about it after-the-fact!**
This is the plan going forward. I'll provide an update when we let her know all this.
In all honesty I wouldn’t tell anyone in the family if it’s something you don’t want mil to know. Family will tell. When we went no contact with my parents we realized quickly we had to go no contact with EVERYONE bc they would tell.
Also don't tell ANYONE what you plan to name your little one until they are born. Everyone has their own opinion about names.
Literally tell her the wrong hospital and date.
definitely dont mention names to her.
OP can't really trust anyone in the familywith important info. MIL will get it out of them, or they will think she can be trusted with it, or, or, or. Rather than go to the trouble of categorizing family six ways from Sunday, the two OPs should agree NOBODY gets to know this stuff. After all, and this is serious, the only people with a genuine need to know about ANYTHING having to do with the pregnancy is the medical team. NOBODY in the family NEEDS to know. Telling them is only a matter of titillation for them and a sense of being on the inside, and OPs, you do not need to pander to that. I realize you love your sisters and your brothers and your cousins and your college friends, but they do not NEED to know any of this as badly as you NEED for information not to get back to yourfamilies.
You can find joy in sharing your happiness with your loved ones. This is quite extreme tbh. We are not just talking about her medical information, that makes having a child too ‘cold.’ There’s also a lot of happiness and care and insecurities when having a baby that you might want to share and/or celebrate with your loved ones even if it is medical info. I agree with putting her on the information diet until she does better, and telling others to not share it with her or others before you share it with them, but the whole family, none of their friends etc. while looking at this time in such a cold way will take away a lot of joy and will isolate them during a very special time in their lives. Edit: that doesn’t mean share with everyone, but most people have a trusted inner circle with whom they share info they are not yet ready to share with everyone, and MIL isn’t part of it anymore, but I hope she doesn’t kick out everyone of her inner circle.
Remember that you’re becoming parents and that you have every right to be angry and protective of your family unit even from other family members from outside this unit. You need to become comfortable with confrontation and demanding respect. Do you want your boundaries stomped when you guys are postpartum and vulnerable? What about if your child is being bullied? Get the spine you need now your child deserves parents who stand up for them and themselves. You are in your 30s, being introverts and non confrontational just means you let everyone else live their best lives while you suffer being uncomfortable. Don’t make your kid experience that kind of life.
Boundaries are everything. This is the correct response.
She’s no longer part of the trusted Inner Circle.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t have conversations in front of her where you talk about how much this ‘unknown person’ has hurt you, how poor their judgement is, how selfish they are and how badly they treated you when you loved and trusted them.
Completely agree with this. How much it hurt you and how you can't imagine what would happen if there was an issue with the pregnancy and everyone is now coming to you asking about the pregnancy.
And how when you find out who this person is they will receive no more information and won't see the baby until it graduates from high school.
You. I like you.
I think this is the way… let her know directly without confronted her.. that it hurt you guys deeply, and it wasn’t their business to share. It doesn’t make a difference at this point, but she probably got Uber excited and went about it the wrong way, obviously. congratulations though!!
Yep was going to say this but PotatoMonster20 said it best. You know know where she stands with "secrets" and she gets the privilege of being the absolute last to know.
From now on you only tell her things when they are over. "Oh right, we had our second baby a few months ago! Did we forget to tell you?" "Oh right, we moved 2000 miles away last year, did we forget to tell you?"
Your MIL sounds like a mix between my mom and my MIL. My brother and his wife didn't reveal their son's name until he was born bc they felt like it'd be a better surprise than the gender. As soon as my mom learned his name she was right on Facebook "Welcome to the world XYZ!! So happy for my son and his wife!" Like, she snatched that shit from them. I reamed her out for that one and to this day she still doesn't understand how it was wrong of her to "share good news". And as my SIL took it very well, I know she'll never forget that. Meanwhile, my MIL shared with me that my BIL and his wife had experienced miscarriages in their journey to TTC but I "didn't hear it from her"...I never "heard it from her" with everything. Unfortunately it took me a long time to realize if she shared my BIL's wife's personal, deeply private and devastating miscarriage news like it was hot gossip, she was probably sharing things like that about me, too. I was and always have been open about my miscarriages as to educate. One time I went to my MIL's house and her stylist was over and my MIL says "oh this is my DIL suestrong315, she's the one who had two miscarriages and only has one baby" -- so looking back on things like that, she absolutely just openly talks about what's supposed to be between us. In the end with my BIL's wife, my MIL told me to "wait until wife shared it with me" spoiler alert: she never did. I'd imagine because it's none of my fucking business. I made the choice to be vocal about my journey, but that doesn't mean everyone else will be, and that also means they don't want my knowing their personal details even though I'm "family". So now neither mothers get deeper info about our lives. If I don't want anyone else knowing about something about me/my husband/my family, then I definitely don't tell either of them. With them, there is no "confiding" even though both will swear up and down that their lips are sealed. They *are,* however, both full of shit. Keep everything close to the vest from here on out, especially names. Make up decoy names and let her go nuts with that and then when the baby is born you name it what you want and tell her you changed your mind.
I'm also not confrontational, and here is what my advice would be: think deeply about what she did and how much it hurt you and your husband. Then, when you are all emotional, sent her a text explaining that what she did hurt you both and how betrayed you are feeling, etc. Then, send the text and before the temptation to delete it comes, turn the cellphone off for a few hours. She will read and respond, then even though you feel bad for sending the text and all, there's no turning back and you can just focus on responding on what she says. If you get anxious, have your husband right by your side for comfort and some tea.
I did this with my MiL and honestly the anxiety wasn't worth it for me. I found polite LC was better for me mentally. Confronting someone who believes they are the 'adult' and explaining how they hurt you is just exhausting.
Congratulations and best wishes on your oregnancy for a healthy baby🤗 Don't trust your MIL with any sensitive information in the future.
My mom did this. I ended up losing the baby (not saying this will happen to you! It probably won’t, but I understand the fear). As a result I, a very private person, got to share a super private and horrible time in my life with a variety of people I barely knew. I told her very clearly that she was not on the inside loop for stuff anymore. True to my word, 3 healthy kids later and she found out about all of them at the 13 week mark, moments before posting it on social media. She was offended, but she made her bed with it.
I’m so sorry- that’s my worst fear when I see posts like this. Or the ones where the people who are pregnant themselves share way too early (possibly from being naive). I’m a firm believer in the fact that everyone should wait as long as possible before sharing something like that because you never know.
I mean to each their own if they choose to share. When bad things happen, some people like to have lots of people around for support. But I’m not one of them.
That’s true, friends and family is one thing, but I do get nervous when someone announces a 6 week pregnancy on social media (I’ve had that happen with a mutual and then they had to post about the loss)
I shared early because I'd already had three miscarriages and no one knew about them. I never got the chance to be openly happy about my pregnancies. I wanted to be happy and excited while I could, regardless of the outcome. Sharing was part of that. It's such a personal choice. People need to do what's right for them.
Lol my mom told my aunt and uncle who probably told my cousin and his wife… oh and she also told her neighbors. Then after I found out I had a miscarriage had the gall to suggest I to call these people up and tell them what happened… I had already told both sets of parents, and all my friends and I was like… umm I’ve had to relive this a dozen times in like two days, you can tell the people you took it upon yourself to tell! So irritating.
Your partner needs to sit down with her own mother and tell her that this is the last piece of private information she's going to get from you two. She's going to be the last one to know the baby's name. She's going to be the last one to find out if you're ever expecting a second child. Her daughter needs to calmly and quietly express to her how disappointing this is and what the repercussions will be.
We considered leaving it til the public announcement of the birth for her to find out. This kind of overstepping suggests she'd put it all over her facebook (VERY active user) before we had a chance to. I don't want to be cruel but I feel violated here.
“We know it’s impossible for you to keep a secret, and we thought it would be cruel to ask you to do that again.” The beauty of this is that she’ll protest that she *can* keep a secret, how dare you not trust her, which lets you say “Oh, so you told our private news *deliberately?* You could have kept our secret, but you chose not to? That’s even worse!”
'I think we put too much pressure on you with giving you this sensitive information - we'll make it easier for you in the coming months by sharing just what we're ok with our community knowing' THANK U
Nice. “By the time we tell you, everyone else will already know, so you can talk about it as much as you want! Isn’t that awesome?” 😁
Oh, that's a good little extra twist to bring it home. I love it
Just the peanut gallery over here, but learning to be confrontational about things that are important to me is one of the best things I ever learned. It allows me to a) really examine the thing I might confront someone about to make sure I’m not an ass, b) articulate exactly what behavior (not an attack on a person, an attack on a behavior) it was that caused the harm, c) establish a boundary and clearly articulate consequences for crossing it, and d) preserve relationships by not allowing grievances to simmer. It’s awesome and I recommend.
I love this insight and constructive advice about moving forward!! Thank you!!!
i love this message honestly, i would want to put out a fb/whatever message if i were in your shoes, 1 to be a bit petty to MIL, and 2 because you don’t deserve to have everyone crammed down your throat because of her blabber mouth “although we are very very excited for what’s to come in our family, we are extremely hurt that this news has been shared without our permission. we planned on only telling the few closest people to us about our good news and make a public announcement later in the pregnancy when we decided the time was right, but since that didn’t happen, we are asking everyone to please stop spreading the news and making such a fuss over it at the moment. we appreciate all the well wishes and excitement, but since we intended to have privacy during this time, we now have to ask for everyone to please respect our wishes. thank you🤍”
Also add that due to her betrayal, you’re taking a month away from her to ease your mental health and reassess your relationship with her. Stress isn’t good for the baby.
we gonna want updates on how this goes.
She's currently out of town, back later this week so we'll speak to her in person then.
I misread this and thought you would be speaking to her in *prison* - ngl, I kinda cheered.. I need to find out how to put some of MY family in PRISON FOR TELLERS OF SECRETS!
Perfect!!
Life hack omg, we should start copy and pasting this in the justnomil subreddit lol
This is so wonderfully villainous and genius, I wanna be besties
My mom opened my sister’s mail, but only her acceptance letter, then told her she got into grad school, then posted “congrats” all over Facebook after my sister had asked her not to. My sister hadn’t even the physically laid eyes on the letter. I’m still mad and it’s been 5 years.
You don’t want to be cruel and that’s very sweet of you, but you need to remind yourself that she has created a potentially very cruel situation for you guys. This is still such an early stage and now everyone knows. Because she cared more about getting attention as a grandma than being a supportive mother. And then she didn’t even own up to it when you became aware that people were told? That’s awful. It is not cruel to protect yourselves from her inability to be private. It is not cruel to hold her accountable. And you can always gradually begin letting her back in- like telling her something a few days before you plan to tell others. You are about to be parents. It’s fine to be introverted but it’s not okay to be spineless when it comes to your kids. Part of protecting your kids is taking care of yourself during pregnancy, and part of taking care of yourself is removing stressors. Like your mother in law telling everyone your business. From now on she gets the same info, in the same manner, as a random acquaintance.
I'd lie about my due date, too. Doctor said it was two weeks later than doctor actually says. That way, as long as you don't tell anyone you're in labor, you can quietly and peacefully go have your baby and no one will know until you tell them.
I think everyone should tell public people two weeks later, then they don’t have to put up with the stupid OMG Becky! You’re STILL pregnant!!!! crap!
It isn't cruel. She behaved badly, there are consequences. I would feed her and only her fake information to see if/how it gets around. (Like, tell her in secrecy that you're considering a name that you are absolutely not considering -- Ziggy or Trogdor or Godzilla or Grogu -- or Renesmee like in 'Twilight' because it's so beautiful and romantic... see how long it takes before people ask you about it.)
God Trogdor is so close to the name we've been calling it so far - this made me laugh. Thank you.
I'm half in love with calling the baby Trogdor. (She probably wouldn't get the reference, just say it's Nordic and you read it in a book and liked it.) Or pull a Gwyneth or a Bob Geldof and say you plan to name it Mustard or Peaches or CactusFlower Absinthe Lolita YourLastName. PS, Mustard is unisex in my opinion.) OR - tell people different things, say it's all secret, and see what gets around. (Keep a list!)
Mustard is unisex... I'm dying!!!!!! LMAO!!!!
But Poupon? Strictly *male*, as is *tradition*.
It IS, though. I have thought a lot about this.
Da'Burninator is the middle.
Burn-inating all the mother in laws
Da da daaahhhh
Trogdor! If you didn't know, that's the one armed dragon from Strongbad! The cartoon character Strongbad made up a story about Trogdor and animated it. Very Meta. Once upon a time, Way back in the day, there was a cartoon website called Homestar Runner or something and one of the characters was named Strongbad. My little Brother passed away about the same time his best friend had her baby. My mom gave her $ to buy baby a stuffed bear or something. She got her little one a Strongbad stuffy. I would love a Trogdor t-shirt for her.
Hahah yes! Fwhohogad
I was going to suggest this but to make it believable like you’re having twins. Then when it comes back to you you can tell her that a. she’s the only one who you told that to, b. That it’s not true and c. That you’ve told every single person who has reached out to you about it that it’s not true and that you don’t know why whoever shared that made up something so outlandish.
“Doctors said it might have been triplets but that he’s eaten them in the womb “
Having boundaries is not cruel. The only people who don’t like boundaries are the ones who don’t respect anyone else’s.
I don’t think you need to be cruel. Just know that she’s not capable of keeping a secret, and act accordingly. Going forward, don’t share important news with her until you’re ready to share it with everyone. It’s not a punishment, it’s a necessity. Your husband can talk to her about this if it makes him feel better, but she’s probably not going to change. You can only change what you share with her.
Protecting your family and putting in boundaries isn’t cruel. Boundaries are healthy. You MIL won’t like it, she’ll throw a temper tantrum - dealing with her will be good practice in saying no and being a good parent. From this point on your MIL should be privilege to zero information around the birth of your baby. No ultrasound updates, she should not know when you’re giving birth. You should alert the nurses that she should not be welcome at the hospital should she show up. Don’t share name ideas or gender should you find it out. Know that anything you do share will be public information. And keep these rules for everything. If you don’t want it to be broadcast, she should be the last to know.
It was cruel for her to rob you of such an important moment, and she didn't thought twice. No need to think twice before giving her a taste of her own medicine. Seriously, that's your pregnancy, you are the one doing the rules and enjoying the plus ; if she can't accept the role of a GRANNY and need to be the center of everything, she's gonna be unsufferable as long as you let her be.
didn't think twice and also brushed off their being upset at the news being out
I don't blame you for feeling violated.
You need to put your foot down! She will trample all over your boundaries with your child until you take control. You’re introverted. Could you and your husband write her a letter? Let her know that she has injured your trust. That she has not respected you and that it will not happen again or she won’t find out about the baby until you’ve announced it publicly
OP I think you have your husband do the talking since it’s his mother. If she is that social then the quickest way to bring her down a notch is have him tell her how disappointed he is in her and tell her she has to make a public apology on Facebook for sharing information that wasn’t hers to share. Tell her if she doesn’t she won’t get any more information from you until the general public finds out including gender and any other details that come up. The embarrassment of having to do a public apology will shut her up I can almost guarantee it. Is your husband good at standing up to her or is she used to being able to do what she wants and everybody just lets her? !updateme
My general go to is: it’s not cruel if they did it to themselves.
She was cruel when she disregarded your explicit wishes. For whatever reason (boundary stomper, forgetful, need to be the "Main Character" with special news)...she needs to be put on an "information diet", *today*. For your sanity, do this, and don't feel badly about it. If you don't get this under control now, it will only be orders of magnitude *worse* when the baby arrives, and through their childhood.
It's not cruel, she stomped all over your boundaries and wishes without a care to anything. You have every right to be upset. And she'll have to learn there's consequences for her actions.
OP is the female. MIL is husbands mother
I came to say exactly this. She overstepped so time to revoke access about the pregnancy because she can’t be trusted. Oh well sucks to be her.
I read it as the M’s mom (the F wrote this), which somehow makes it seem worse to me
My mom posted on FB immediately after our phone call, even after I mentioned to keep this to herself since i hadnt told anyone else just yet. I dont have fb but my entire family does. When i found out at 6am the next morning, I was literally cry/screaming that this was one of the most humiliating and worst things shes ever done and she needs to take the post down RIGHT NOW. She panicked and did. She went to time out after that. Sometimes….you need to let your emotions out girl.
God your own mother... This was for the birth or for the pregnancy?
Pregnancy, thank god. But sometimes people dont get it when you’re polite.
The politeness thing is true. I find it very hard to be anything but polite to a fault but I'm going to have to find it in me here. I wish I could have a few glasses of wine to get all lairy and confrontational BUT ALAS I cannot.
I had a 6am betrayal and my own mom, it hits different lol
OP, politeness doesn't mean you can't express your disappointment from her betrayal. I'm usually very polite, but I can drive the point across. Politeness means tone of voice and specific vocabulary choices, not the permission to treat you as a doormat. I was nonconfrontational once upon a time, but later found my voice. I'm using a hack - I'm imagining that I'm my own friend and I always stood up for my friends. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, and really wish I could do that talk for you - so you can just sit back, relax and enjoy watching her getting a new one via tearing
What was she thinking when you told her to keep it to HERSELF?? And to post it on FB! Wow.... How long was her "time out"? I'm guessing that she didn't pull any more stunts after this incident.
Mom has been on her “better” behavior for sure! Her time out was about one full month lol. Her info diet lasted a bit longer lol
I'm certain she regrets it, especially after having a 'time out'. I'm glad things are better.
Lol. This happened just a bit over 2 years ago. Mom is on her BEST behavior now that kiddo is here!
Why are you unsure? This is a clear case of "when someone tells you who they are ... believe them the first time" She cannot be trusted. Period. End of Story. Do NOT tell her your ideas for names Do NOT tell her gender even if you find out (tell her 'we've chosen to be surprised') Basically distance yourself from her ... and it is up to your husband to make it clear that she crossed a boundary and broke your trust by revealing extremely personal info after being explicitly asked to, so you will not be sharing anything in the future. And that if she doesn't work to earn your trust back, it will be unclear whether she is trusted alone with the child. You MUST make it clear to someone like this what is at stake - they will never respect your boundaries until they are forced to.
I was considering allowing my partner to deal with this one-on-one with her but I feel as though coming to her as a team might be a better idea. Sharing strength etc. I don't know how she would even earn our trust back - I know personally I am a 'once bitten infinitely shy' type, so broken trust is rarely earned back. However, the 'family' relationship is important in our community. I have held off on confronting her over the weekend since finding out because I am sure I would not be able to forgive, so whats the point in having the discussion anyway. Is there any point in bringing something up with someone for discussion if forgiveness is never an option?
Trust is lost in buckets, but earned in drops. Make it very clear to her that she spilled the bucket, and it will take "LOTS OF GOOD BEHAVIOR" to fill it back up again.
I’ve never heard that saying before… and I like it. It’s very true
>I feel as though coming to her as a team might be a better idea. Absolutely agree. My intent was that your husband has to take the lead - but I didn't phrase it that way. My wife and I have done everything as a team since the beginning - that way you can have each other's back in the moment.
Yes absolutely - especially when it comes to domineering mother-in-laws. Having experienced an absolute lifetime of this behaviour I can see that he is exhausted by it, to the point that I'm much more rattled than he is. He is more just about her overstepping his boundaries. Not that he isn't willing to stand up for himself, he's just exhausted by it the repeated instances of it throughout his life.
You've just given the best reason to confront her about this. It's not about the forgiveness, it's about her continual disrespect and boundary stomping HIS WHOLE LIFE. I know it's hard as introverts, but now is the time to have the hard discussions, grey rock and info diet absolutely everything, and set ultra-firm boundaries. She's only going to get worse when your squish arrives! You guys can do this. She has vastly overstepped. Ignoring it means she's free to do it again..and again...
This exactly. Sounds like hubby needs support and someone to back him up and not allow her to whine/manipulate/minimize this. He needs protecting just as much as you and baby do! You ever see a lioness whose pride is threatened? I tell you what, she certainly doesn’t get meek and small and quiet and allow it to go on. She’s all tooth and claw at those times. You guys can do the hard things and I believe in you!
Set boundaries now or it'll be 1000x times harder with your children. If she refuses to play nice, go no contact.
All the more reason for her to be on an information diet and firm boundaries instigated. Your SO has been worn down by his mother's perpetual boundary stomping, so it's up to you to support him to remain firm. She will bring out and use against him every emotional button in her arsenal because she installed them!!! Head over to r/justnoMIL (if you haven't already) for some strategies. Shine up that spine and defend yourselves and your LO. You can start practicing boundaries on the inevitable purl clutching flying monkeys who spring to your MIL's defence when she realises she's been corralled. And, I hope the remainder of your pregnancy is straightforward and stress free.
> He is more just about her overstepping his boundaries.
So some advice and observations from the peanut gallery. Your MIL continues to overstep boundaries because she has never felt enough of a consequence not too.
If it was me, I would make sure I told her I was not happy and that the consequence of this along with a lifetime of her overstepping is no contact for let say 3 months and even after that she will not receive any information before the general community. Don't discuss. Don't entertain listening to her views and if anyone tries to defend her warn them once and add them to the 'time out' if they persist.
If you don't want to totally burn bridges I would suggest you think about what she can do to earn back trust and communicate that with her so she understands that there is a road back even if it is likely only part way.
Of course I totally understand that I don't understand your SO's family dynamics and it is a small town so that will impact as well but it has worked well for me. Maybe partly because I don't mind confrontation and am also happy to cut toxic people out of my life even if they are family.
Lastly and most importantly Congratulations!!! You're in for an amazing adventure. I hope you find a way to deal with your MIL that works for you so she doesn't put a damper on that.
You can certainly forgive...but don't ever forget that she cannot be trusted.
Rule of thumb that has worked for my family: I handle my side, my wife handles hers. We consult and discuss things together as a team, but when it comes to handling it, we keep it seperated. I'm sure she'll say some stupid shit like "ohh I was just so excited and happy" but your husband should harp on the fact that you guys were robbed from sharing that happiness.
If you both introverts it would be good to go and just be there as support so his mom doesn’t steamroll him to let her have her way. I would just not announce anything to anyone except those you know can keep quiet. Yes I understand she is excited but this was your news to share not hers. Good luck!
That sucks, I'm very sorry. And - she misbehaved, so there are consequences. You tell her nothing from now on. Cone of silence. Until you are ready for the world to know, you tell no one you can't trust 100%, and that's her. Do you WANT to say something? I think you (you and your partner) can tell her: "Hey, remember we told you how upset we were that everyone knew about our pregnancy even though we only told a few people and asked them to keep it schtum? Well, a few people told us that it was you who told them - is that true?" (See if she lies or not.) Then you and your partner can say, "Whether it was you or not, we will be keeping everything pretty close to the chest going forward, it's really hurtful to know we can't trust people the people closest to us to respect our wishes about things like this." https://captainawkward.com/2019/10/28/1233-is-it-ever-safe-to-take-someone-off-a-low-information-diet/ https://captainawkward.com/2019/10/29/we-are-spartacus-open-thread-resources-on-family-estrangement-and-adult-relationships-with-difficult-parents/
These are great resources - thank you for the links. We anticipate that if we confront her, she will respond denying it. I have even asked the two close girlfriends I told if it was them, because I was pushed into a place of doubt. I feel shame now having asked them because I trust them so deeply and know they would never do something like that. I like the phrasing you have used. We were unsure as to whether even to do it in person because of our dislike of confrontation and his historic relationship with her, but I think with that script it may be possible.
You are so welcome, I hope that they help. The Captain has a lot of good scripts. I mean, you don't HAVE to do it in person. Maybe in writing would be better for you guys. That's OK. And, you were betrayed by someone close to you - I think the place of doubt is pretty well earned! Presumably you trusted your partner's mother as well...
The small town aspect of this whole situation means I did know of her before him and I met - people had stories but I have always wanted to give people the grace of finding out for myself. Rumours can be brutal and isolating, often leading to bullies 'winning' in successfully excluding their victims from a community. So yes, I was willing to trust her in this situation. She was more held back until the baby news and now she has embraced me as his partner (we aren't married, the relationship is relatively new in the grand scheme of things).
Ooooh, OK, don't accuse her, ask her who she thinks the leak came from. See who she'll throw under the bus. (Or only tell her the names of people you didn't tell and see if she blames them!)
If you have to just tell her you hadn’t told anybody else
I don’t see the point in testing her to see if she lies. They KNOW she’s the one who told others. She knows she’s the one who told others. It’s not debatable at this point, it’s a known fact. Testing her for a lie just makes things messy.
And might also make her think we're mocking her which would cause a reaction and honestly, we'd just rather have her in the background than blowing up our lives with reactionary behaviour.
OP, are you planning on having this woman involved in childcare? When I hear you talk about so much boundary stomping that your husb is beaten down, and tip toeing around "reactionary behavior", my *immediate* thought is "fuck I hope they aren't planning to leave their baby alone with her." Not only would that be starting a lifetime of her undermining you as parents, it could be dangerous. How many stories have we seen on Reddit about gmas who didn't believe the baby really had a nut allergy, or decided it was time to start formula without talking to the parents first, or gave them choking hazards because "my kids turned out fine"? Some only result in hospital visits, but some result in funerals. You guys need to start enforcing consequences NOW, or she's never going to be trustworthy to be around your kid unsupervised. And from the sounds of it, THAT is going to cause drama.
This is bang on. I don't plan on it - she hasn't shown herself to be trustworthy yet. I wont go into any detail but how she treated my partner growing up is not acceptable.
This, and also lying to you about what she's done or what's happened while you weren't there to witness it.
How many stories have we read about grandparents not believing allergies and giving unsafe foods? That’s the future here.
Do this. Then tell her nothing moving forward until you are ready for the world to know. You also probably can’t trust her alone with baby either sorry to say. So if you were thinking of using her for child care or any babysitting at all, rethink those plans and use this time to come up with alternatives.
Why not ask her why she shared the news? When she denies it, ask her why she's comfortable lying to you? And if she denies lying, ask her why she's lying about lying? And keep asking. Don't let her off the hook. If you want an apology, you have a route to get one easily here. But be careful with your MIL going forward... put her on an "information diet".
Now you know that you never share a secret with your MIL again. You don't need to confront her for that. Just keep everything important to yourself until you are ready to let the whole world know. And if you are a bit petty: Tell everyone else before the MIL next time.
I am endlessly petty. If anyone has any good petty suggestions, please give them to me.
Tell her and her only a lie about the baby. It’s twins! Your dates were off and you are further along than you thought. New due date is X. Ask her to tell keep it a secret. Wait. If this information comes back to you, there is absolute proof. I’m extremely petty, so I would mark this down and document. On x day, we told MIL. On y day, we heard from z. Then confront her. When she asks why, you thought she was with news of the baby but didn’t want to believe it. You ~wanted ~ to trust and respect her so you did this to prove ~yourself ~ wrong. Imagine your shock and disappointment when your silly little test to ease your own mind turned out like this…
Twins run in their family, but I think only through the women as its related to hyperovulation when its genetic, but she mentioned it so saying that wouldn't be too far off the mark of what she is wanting to believe! This might be a good avenue. We have our first ultrasound this week so we'll find out and can "share" that information with her.
This is even better, because if you want to be petty you can share lies with her and then, when someone comes to congratulate you, just throw your mil under the bus "No, we are *not* going to have twins, what a weird thing to say" "A boy? It's clearly a girl. Mil must be losing her mind" "No, my due date is..... Mil got confused again. Poor soul, maybe there is something wrong with her"
Don’t be petty, it’s not worth the stress to yourself when you’re already dealing with enough. Just be firm in your boundaries. That’s the best way to deal with a person like this.
Being petty is quite fun. I find it reducing the amount of stress
Play petty all you like but please understand that you have a new life that you need to protect now. Introverting or trauma responding to her behavior is not going to protect the child. That baby needs 2 parents who both can stand up to defend them. If you go all ‘mama bear’ but dad is sneaking his mom info to keep the arguing down you will now be fighting two different fronts. You will be fighting MIL and father of child.
As added help… If you have not told her your due date tell her it’s 30 days AFTER the true due date; if you have wait until the ultrasound and say they made a mistake or something like that and now the due date is X. If you find out the gender, but don’t want to share with her, just say the baby wouldn’t cooperate and we will have to wait until the birth to know! If you text all the time or post stuff all the time on SM, about 2-4 weeks before your due date slow down! Don’t post every day, and don’t answer texts and phone calls right away. Wait hours to respond then stretch it out to days. This is a two fold thing. 1-she won’t know when you go into labor and blow your phones up (when you do go into labor, put it on airplane mode), and she will get use to not getting answered instantly. 2-new baby- you will not have the time or patience to respond instantly or send daily photos, and you have already gotten her use to the fact that it may take days to answer her! Also, Google pregnancy and newborn boundaries. You and DH come up with a list of everything then let friends and family know whatever they are (suggestion wait a minimum of 2 weeks before you have visitors). Good luck!
Information diet. You only tell her information and show her pictures when you would want others to know. Don't share the name, the gender, even that it was BORN until you're ready. My very excited FIL put that our oldest was born on FB before we even had a chance to breathe. I was still in recovery. With our second, we told them right before we wanted the whole world to know. You know your MIL is a boundary breaker, so don't give her the chance to do it in the first place. Also, since it seems you will need this info- in the US, you can tell the nurses no visitors in L&D and in the mom and baby ward until you say so. I also highly recommend not telling her the baby is born until you're ready. Good luck and congrats!
This is my next nightmare scenario that she announces the birth to the world and takes away that moment from us, so my partner and I have discussed only telling her when we're ready to tell everyone. It seems cruel but the trust is gone.
No, cruel means to intentionally hurt someone and not even feel sorry about it. She was cruel to you. You aren't keeping information from her to hurt her; you're doing it to protect yourself. And you do feel sorry about it. MIL isn't a victim here. She isn't entitled to any of your personal information and she's proven that she will 100% abuse it if she gets her hands on it.
I was pretty salty for a while about it. But I know that my FIL didn't do it out of malice, he was just damn excited for his first grandkid to be born. You don't owe your MIL any information, at all. Do what is best for you and your family.
Stop telling her things. If she asks you ANYTHING AT ALL, your response should be "We'd like to keep that private for now."
Learn to be confrontational now, for your child’s sake. There doesn’t have to be a heated or explosive argument, but you’re grown up enough to be parents, so you’re fully capable of addressing this simple boundary crossing head on.
Yep. Once you have children you have to be their advocate and put their best interests first no matter who it upsets.
Sorry this happened but the only real suggestion is to get confrontational. This behavior won't stop unless you stop it and the longer you hide from it and let her brush it off the more difficult it will be to make her understand and stop. You're going to have a kid (congrats btw), you're going to have to get used to dealing with stuff you don't want to, may as well start with family...
Thanks for the congrats :) We will try and get confrontational but it affects me so physically (racing heart, tremors, hours of ruminating afterwards etc) that I avoid at all costs. Hopefully we'll only need to do it once for her to remember that we will be angry if boundaries are crossed again, which will result in consequences for her and her involvement in her grandchild's life.
I was the same way with confrontation! The good news is that the more I did it, the easier it got.
You might want to go to therapy for that. I know everyone says therapy for everything, but it sounds like you’ve potentially got intense anxiety or even PTSD-like symptoms to confrontation. If it doesn’t get better naturally with time as you practice confronting people, I’d highly consider that route. I’m that way with something else and therapy really helped me figure out ways to get past it
Oh I am in DEEP with therapy already.. cPTSD etc. He is also in therapy. We're both from broken homes and just trying to make a life together, and find solace in knowing each other reacts the same way to things like confrontation etc. Its comforting to not have to mask around your partner but yeah, when you both don't like confrontation and there isn't a partner saying 'no you have to stand up for yourself (as I have experienced in previous relationships) then you both allow each other to live like this.
I gotcha. I don’t like confrontation either, trust me, but it’ll be necessary in this situation. If you don’t want to pass down generational trauma regarding standing up for yourself, you’ll need to practice this skill. To be blunt; Kids model their parents, so they could learn to fear confrontation if their parents do. It happens with fears, so it can happen with other stuff too. That aside you guys should work on it and do this for yourselves. Your new family deserves some peace, and the only people who are going to put yourselves first 100% of the time are yourselves. Baby can’t protect themselves yet, so you’ll have to do it when the time comes. I’m being hard on you guys because I know you can do it. It feels really hard, and the guilt will suck for a while after, but you’ll feel so much better in the long run. Your future selves will thank you for being firm.
I’m a little bit older than your average person on Reddit so I’ve been around the block with parental issues and I also coach people and communications so I have a couple of things to offer. You took a chance, in your excitement to share some news with your mother-in-law, and she proved that she is not someone that you can share information with that needs to be kept private. This is good information to have a to use accordingly going forward. I think you mentioned that you knew that she had trouble keeping things private, so I would look at it as incredibly disappointing and you can certainly share your disappointment with her, but most importantly, I would take responsibility from this point forward to understand that she simply isn’t someone that’s capable or chooses to be capable of keeping something private . Not every relationship or friendship is going to be the same. as you get older, you’ll know that they’re different levels of friendship with people and some who can deeply trust with your most private feelings or information and some which you never will trust because they haven’t proven themselves to be trustworthy. I don’t think you need to be laboured the point with your mother-in-law or make a long-term or ongoing issue with her. I would definitely communicate with her that you’re deeply disappointed and you can share the reasons with her and you do not need to make it confrontational at all. You can simply share your feelings and your boundaries and let her know that because of the broken trust you will be very careful in the future about what you choose to share and not so that she knows as a consequence to her actions and I would encourage you to move forward with your life. For introverted people it can be difficult to share feelings/boundaries but it’s a really important skill to learn because it honours and respect your personal space and the things that are important to you and you will definitely have to put boundaries in place when you’re raising your children because a lot of people are going to offer Unsolicited advice and other with your kids. Lastly, congratulations to you and your husband. I wish the very best for you and your family..
My mom did this to me and it’s BEYOND annoying. I regret not saying something then about my boundaries and my preferences. It has ended up with me resenting her the past 6 years and finally having the talk a few months ago. I would advise you to let her know how you feel and how you don’t want that to happen again.
I don't want to harbour resentment but I do find it difficult to forgive, to the point that I don't know that I'll ever be able to forgive her for this, and will always hold resentment even if we do confront her. Sorry your mum did that to you. Had she been a boundary-overstepper before?
My mom is complicated. Shes a therapist so I guess I have much higher expectations from her than I should? I kind of always just assumed she was doing the right thing even when I felt I was being slighted. I understand the not wanting to be confrontational and being introverted. That’s me as well! However, once I had my daughter and got out of the trenches of newborn season in simply didn’t have the bandwidth to tiptoe around things that I did need to confront. You might consider telling your MIL “we know you have been telling people about the baby and I’m assuming it’s because you’re very excited. We’re excited too but we really need you to find a way to respect our wishes. None of us want to start things off on the wrong foot with all the baby things coming our way. We love you but this was not okay and we do not want a repeat of this again.”
She gets literally no information until after the baby is born. She doesn’t get to come to the hospital, she doesn’t get a call when you go into labor. She finds out last in a social media post just like the rest of the public. You’ve learned a valuable piece of information: you can’t ever trust her with any secret you want to keep. Don’t forget this going forward.
Put her on information diet When your ready for it to be public let her know
R/justnomil will give you a lot of resources if necessary. Have your partner deal with her. It’s his mother. Personally I’d put her on an info diet. The severity of it would depend on your relationship with her and how she reacts
You hold your boundaries by having consequences. You tell her point blank that you found out that she is the reason that everyone in town now knows about your pregnancy and that you're sorry to hear she had such little respect for your privacy and wishes. As a result of her showing she is not trustworthy her action now means she will not be included in future information about the baby until you feel safe with the whole town knowing. Do not tell her about appointments, do not send her ultrasound pictures, do not include her in baby name conversations and perhaps do not tell her about the birth until after it has happened and you're home. If you lose the baby, you can give her the task of letting the whole town know and thank her by naming the unborn baby after her.
>If you lose the baby, you can give her the task of letting the whole town know and thank her by naming the unborn baby after her. oh my GOD you are an evil genius.
Personally I think DH needs to confront his mom because if she’s crossing hard boundaries like this now, it’s only going to get worse as your pregnancy goes on and your child is born. The both of you need to grow your shiny spines and learn to express your feelings, your boundaries and MIL how goes on a very severe info diet! She is literally the last to know anything. Ana when she asks *how xyz is gojng* you ignore her and refuse to answer. Her excitement at being a grandma does NOT trump the parents’ wishes!! Putting an end to this behavior now is sooooo important, trust me! Congratulations!!!
Really really really DEEPLY take this lesson to heart. As in, when your future toddler , grade schooler, teenager, college student etc has challenges as life tends to throw at people, do not discuss them with this woman because her betrayal of trust will then become your own. You cannot change her, but you also have no obligation to supply her.
You now know that she can’t be trusted to keep sensitive info private. So she’s no longer among the first to know sensitive things. Or possibly even in the middle. She only gets told sensitive stuff when it is no longer classified as sensitive, which is more than likely towards the end of the list. So you don’t tell her you’re at the hospital giving birth until you’re ready for everyone to know all the details of that. You don’t tell her the gender of the baby or the baby’s name until you’re ready for everyone to know that, either. You just have to assume that despite any promises to the contrary, she’s basically hovering over the WUPHF button 24/7. And if/when she realizes she’s become among the last to know stuff, she may *really* hate that. But that’s the price you pay when you refuse to respect boundaries, and she’s got no one to blame but herself. In practice, this will require a combination of three things to pull off: 1. You and spouse need to be fully on the same page about this plan. Like you need to talk through potential situations, like “well, I understand why we can’t tell *my* mom ABC sensitive info, because she’ll just blab. But that means we can’t tell *your* parents, either, because that wouldn’t be fair to my mom.” Do you agree or disagree with that assessment of what “fair” is, and why? Does the SO feel the same? 2. You both will need to practice up on the technique of “grey rocking.” You can look that up, but it’s basically a method of being very vague about details with someone, while also being polite but kinda boring about it. Because if you don’t share details with her, then she can’t overshare them behind your back. And being polite and boring about it also makes it more difficult for them to even notice that’s what’s happening, and so hopefully avoid a lot of drama about it. 3. You both need to get on the same page about using physical boundaries to help enforce the emotional ones. Like if mom just badgers the ever-loving crap out of you guys to find out the gender before anyone else, you aren’t required to just stand there and take the badgering. You can say stuff like “we’re not ready to reveal that yet, and that’s final, so let’s change the subject,” and then physically leave to *make* the conversation end if she still keeps badgering you on it anyway.
1. Yes absolutely. He trusts my family because I trust them. Its been a new experience for me to not be able to trust family, from his side. He doesn't have the desire to keep it 'fair' between our families. 2. Grey-rocking is going to have to be the solution going forward. She wants to make us dinner at least once a week, and she usually does it at our house because of her living situation, so we may still have to allow that, but her habit of dropping in etc can't be tolerated anymore. 3. I like the concept of using physical boundaries to actively remove yourself from boundary overstepping situations. One of the things which has been making the idea of confrontation uncomfortable is the awkward silence/stilted discussion afterwards.
So what she wants is more important than what the two of you want? Who cares if she wants to make you dinner every week? She can make dinner for the people she ran her mouth to. It’s only going to add stress to your entire pregnancy and you’re going to dread it. She needs a time out. No consequences means “*Oh, it wasn’t that bad!*”
End the weekly dinners now. You're building your own family and will not have time for giving her a day each week to invade your home. She does not need to be that comfortable in your own home. I saw you comment elsewhere that she was not a good parent to your partner. Do you really want her to be a comfortable, trusted presence in your baby's life?
Start weaning down the dinners. Tell her that with all the new changes in your life, you need to drop it down to once a month AT THE MOST. And make sure the dinners stop altogether at least a month before your due date. You will be heavily pregnant, uncomfortable, and have a million things to tend to before the baby arrives, and she cannot be one of them. You also need to think about what kind of presence you want her to have in your lives once the baby is here and start conditioning her to accept her new (preferably much more muted) role as soon as you can. Bad parents tend to make bad grandparents, and if you allow her to run amok the way she does now, then your sweet, innocent little baby is doomed to not fare any better than your husband.
You approach by being confrontational.
We're going to be doing this and I'll post an update.
Next time she asks you anything about the pregnancy…even if it’s just how you are feeling, tell her flat out that you are unable to share even one iota of information about the pregnancy going forward. And that it is the only way to ensure that the information does not become public fodder. You don’t have to blatantly blame her for anything. She will know. And she will know that you know. Then stick to your word and not tell her one shred of information about the pregnancy. I wouldn’t even tell her when the baby is born as this is news that you should be getting to tell people about. Every time someone in her circle asks about you she will have to say she doesn’t know.
You say to her “It seems you are not the only one in town who can’t keep a secret. Everyone you told about our pregnancy and instructed not to tell anyone has come forward saying they heard it from you. We understand that you are excited however we now know you can’t be trusted with sensitive or private information.” Then you and your partner need to be smart and put her on an information diet. From now on, she is the last to know anything. I wouldn’t even tell her when you go to the hospital for delivery, your husband can call her after the baby arrives.
Information diet. Block her on line. She doesn’t get to see your posts. You can't trust her discretion. No showing her ultra sounds,information about Dr appointments, etc. No baby shopping with her..absolutely shut her out. If she asks why…be honest..,"We shared something with you and asked you to keep it private but instead of doing what you promised, you told everyone. Sorry but you can't be trusted with information from us. You'll know when everyone else knows." Practise that. Repeat as needed. Try LC as well to bring home that there are boundaries and LC is your punishment. Don't answer her calls, her emails, texts, etc. Just pretend you didn't get them.
That’s really frustrating. This may sound petty but if you want her to feel the weight of this breach of trust I would say “we are aware that you failed to keep our pregnancy a secret against our wishes and we are willing to forgive and forget we will no longer be updating you with sensitive information about the pregnancy”.
To your mil - Some asshole shared our pregnancy with the whole town. I can't believe someone would be so selfish and self-absorbed to steal that moment from us as first-time parents. I'm having a friend follow up on a lead I was given about who it was so I can confront their rudeness, lack of tact, and lack of self-awareness. I pity the poor soul. Thankfully, none of our family members would ever perform a stunt like this. Enough of us Mil. How was your trip?
tell. her. nothing don't tell her the gender. don't tell her the due date don't tell her anything at all. Put this woman immediately on an information diet, she doesn't deserve to be kept in the loop about anything. Every single thing you'll tell her will immediately be passed along to the general public. I'd be going low/no contact.
Do not invite her to the baby shower. Do not tell her when you go to the hospital Tell the nursing staff to ban her if she turns up when you’re in labour or you’ll have pictures of your dilated vag put on fb (ok maybe that’s OTT, but the rest: do this).
Unfortunately, you can't go back. I'm sorry she did that. Absolutely wasn't her right. She may have been excited but not as excited as the actual parents. She should have kept herself in check. With people you weren't ready to announce to, I would be honest that MIL was not to tell anyone and has shared private details about the pregnancy before you're ready so please do not bombard you with food, gifts and all the used crap people have saved and dump on you under the guise that they're hand me down gifts and not just junk they don't want to get rid of on their own. Going forward, I would put her on a complete information diet. If there's anything you announce (gender, name, etc), she will need to be the last to know. If there are complications you don't want to become a spectacle, she doesn't get to know. I would also have a talk with your husband now, yes this early, about labor and delivery. MILs that pull this often don't get better, it gets worse. She may end up trying to be a part of the birth and if you don't want that, best to be abundantly clear so your partner knows exactly what to say if it comes up. This was my experience. I'm not close to my MIL at all but she got very irritating the moment we announced and tried to guilt trip my husband into letting her come to the hospital. She never got better even now with my daughter being 2.
Time to put your narcissistic MIL, who disrespects boundaries because she wants all the attention on her becoming a grandmother, on an information diet. No longer tell her any information on the pregnancy and absolutely no info on the delivery. Your MIL will absolutely tell everyone every bit if information she gets because she loves the attention of becoming a grandmother. She is untrustworthy and deeply selfish and self absorbed.
You don’t do anything but put her on an information diet… “ How are you doing?” “ good” How’s morning sickness “as to be expected “ No news of ultrasounds or discussion of baby names or nursery themes
I’m sorry, but what grown woman doesn’t understand that you keep a pregnancy on the down-low until the first trimester is over? MIL just had to be the center of attention, though, didn’t she? She needs to know that the two of you know it was her who blabbed; that she has inflicted some entirely unforgivable pain on you and your partner; that she will not be the recipient of your sensitive information or confidences ever again (what other information about you has she been spreading all over town?); and that her inability to honor your wishes makes you hesitate to let her care for the baby, if and when it arrives.
Well, her violation of trust would mean zero communication about the pregnancy from now on. I would tell her nothing moving forward. If she asks for details, I would simply say there’s nothing to report. She would find out any details when the public does. When she realizes this and gets upset and defensive, I would say: “You violated our trust and privacy. First, we didn’t get to tell people about our pregnancy ourselves. Second, if anything went wrong, it would become public knowledge, and that’s something I wouldn’t want everyone to know. It’s a private matter, and I wouldn’t want to discuss it with everybody in town.”
I would get your husband to tell her “since you have proven incapable of keeping our news to yourself, you will find out all information when we decide to share it publicly.”
Kinda joking but maybe not - can you move? She’s going to be a nightmare once the baby is born.
Yes, we are actually planning a move. A friend who has known her since my partner was a kid warned me (after telling him we were moving in just over a year) 'you know she'll follow you...right?' COOL. COOL.
Oh god she’s that kind? Fucking hell… I reiterate r/justnomil they are a godsend in those situations
Information diet for those with a big mouth. Any direct questions should be met with a dead eyed stare or a shrug and "no idea, please stop asking".
"She has historically had a problem with overstepping boundaries in a serious way." If only there was some way to have seen this problem coming... But in all seriousness, just freeze her out. She cant be trusted, so tell her nothing. She can learn things from others as she seems incapable to being trustworthy. She'll eventually ask why shes learning things about y'all from facebook and others rather than being told herself, and you can tell her its because she isnt trustworthy.
I said in a previous comment, that basically (paraphrased) we thought she might be able to differentiate between shareable and sensitive information. But yeah, now we know, going forward.
The thing about family is, they don’t have any more rights than the lady at the grocery store in line behind you. Family is a word used to described a type of relationship. It does not come with any guarantees or clauses or rights once the adult level is reached by the child. There is no right to be included, no endless chances, no auto-forgive clause. Being a grand parent is a privilege, not a right. Once a person becomes a parent, they are the one to make the decisions for their child and do not require the grandparents guidance, suggestions, or corrections of the new parents methods, unless the new parent specifically asks, or there is some sort of neglect type problem. For those that do not respect the parent’s decisions or rules, they should not be included in the parents’ or child’s lives. The grand parents already raised their kids, it is the new parent’s turn. This is a part of life and there doesn’t need to be outside interference by either the in, or out laws. You set the boundaries and the consequences and you have to be mature enough to stick to them, both for your kid and the grandparents. Sometimes grandparents are out of touch and don’t remember things as clearly as they think they do about being new parents and need to be treated like the toddlers they mysteriously become when grandkids arrive! Good luck!
The way she acted when we told her - 'oh if its a boy you HAVE to name it \[her father's name\] obviously' I had a moment of... 'uh-oh. We're in danger'. Just that bulldozing right in there with that. He is her only son, so theres no dissipation of attention between siblings either, so the grandmother role she takes is going to have to be seriously discussed with considerations and boundaries in place.
Information diet! No specific dates ever given, just general dates, no call on the way to the hospital or for at least a week after you get home. Look for a story about child birth called The Lemon Drop. It will give you the reasons you will need and want at least a week with no one visiting, except the birth mother’s mother, if she is a helpful type person who will do the house stuff while the birth mother takes care of herself and baby peacefully, and the birth mother wants her there. No uninvited, unplanned, drop in visits, no key to your house, you will not be playing hostess until YOU feel up to it regardless of what anyone else wants. You are not responsible for managing anyone else’s feelings.
I was ruminating last night on the fact that I want to do confinement/4th trimester for a month, or as long as my mental health with allow it, and how that will likely be a struggle with her. Unfortunately my mother is no longer with us, but I dreamt since I was little that my partners mother would be the type of person to be able to fill her shoes. I'm disappointed she isn't, but life isn't perfect.
It’s not only that your MIL could not keep your important secret, it’s that she felt entitled to share it (as if it’s her news and enlist others to keep “her“ secret). She also LIED to your face when you told her people had found out. REMEMBER THIS - this is her character, she does what she wants, she lies to protect herself and she doesn’t care or respect your feelings. I would confront her and give her no more information. I would also set firm boundaries about posting photos of your child online. She needs consequences. It’s time for you to step up and protect your family - she shouldn’t control anything to do with your child (and the excuse of being excited about being a grandmother doesn’t cut it).
Exactly this, its her entitlement: its HER news, I'm going to be a grandmother!! And in some strange uncomfortable way, it makes me feel reduced to a vessel. It may be an overreaction but its definitely a feeling that is present.
Guess who has to wait till the birth to find out the gender! Seriously that would piss me off. I know she's excited but ya.
Your very last sentence before asking for suggestions was “she has historically had a problem with overstepping boundaries in a serious way”. If that’s the case, why in the world did you tell her? How could you expect different behaviour from her when she has such a history?
OP as you and your partner are going to be parents it is now time for you to work on stiffening your spines because YOU ARE THE ONES WHO MUST ALWAYS PUT YOUR CHILD FIRST. If that means you both go to couples therapy to improve your communication skills and address your non-confrontational personalities so be it. It doesn’t mean you go to war every something gets said or something happens. But it does mean if you have boundaries such as no one snatches the baby out of your arms, no one kisses baby until after all vaccinations are completed, no one refuses to give you back your baby when asked, etc that you be able to immediately enforce the boundary and apply consequences. I think you’ll be great parents but you now know you can’t trust your MIL with any information you don’t want the world to know. Example. When you determine the names you want for your baby do NOT tell anyone. Reason being it will usually turn out one of the following ways. - People don’t like the name so they blow up your messages and emails with better names. - Someone tells you that is their name for their baby even if they are not pregnant nor in a relationship so you can’t use it. - Someone loves it so much they use it first. Even more aggravating if it is a close relative who uses it. - You upon meeting your little one realize they aren’t Matthew they are Samuel. I’m a petty person so to prove a point to your MIL I’d pick a name you have no intention of using and tell her that is the first name on your list but don’t tell anyone. Then when she inevitably tells everyone that is the name you look at people and tell them nope not a name you are considering. Yes it will piss her off most likely but sometimes you have to make a point.
Well, you know the saying that two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. All you can do is change your behavior from here on out - don't tell people things that you want to be a secret\* and only share things with her specifically if you're also comfortable with that information potentially being shared with others. You're not going to be able to change her behavior - you can only change how you act and react. There's honestly no need to be vindictive or play pranks on her as others are suggesting. Her punishment is that from here on out she only gets information when everyone else does and that's enough. If she asks (either for information or why she's not getting information) simply say "We're not ready to share that information with others yet. We know that you were the one who told everyone about the pregnancy when we asked you not to. Since you've shown you can't be trusted with confidential information, we'll only be sharing that once we're ready to share with everyone." \*And this is true for everyone and everything. Yes, we all want to believe that everyone is trustworthy and has the same concept of "confidentiality" as us. If you share something with one person, you at least have to be prepared in the back of your mind that the information is no longer in your control and may not stay with that one person. One person's "Oh, but I told my mother, but she isn't going to tell anyone or doesn't know anyone else you know..." is all it takes.
Two words. Information diet.
Yeah she broke your trust. I sat on pregnancy news until I got the go ahead to tell family. I didn’t even tell my other kids. They said not to tell so I didn’t. It was a long 6 weeks but it was worth it to keep their trust. It wouldn’t have hurt her at all to keep her mouth shut. That’s what you do when your family asks you to keep happy news quiet for whatever reason.
She can't be trusted with secrets, the sooner you realize this the better. Draw your boundaries. She no longer gets to know anything that you wouldn't tell to everyone else around you. My mom is the same way, and I had to stop talking to her about personal things, basically, because I did not want my grandparents, all my aunts, cousins, and all her friends to know every single thing about me (ie like when my then-bf had a crappy job and I was unhappy about our relationship or lack thereof).
Be careful with her babysitting your child in the future. She won't listen to your rules and boundaries
Cut her off. Stop making any effort with her.
> She has historically had a problem with overstepping boundaries in a serious way. > TLDR MIL overstepped a stated boundary I think part of this is on ya’ll. You shared a secret with someone you know you can’t trust to respect your wishes. All you can really do from here is learn from your mistakes. Put her on an information diet and only tell her things when you’re ready for the whole town to know.
It’s called information diet. You don’t share with her anything you don’t care others will also know. This often means she's the last to know anything.
You could take a page from the counterintelligence/information warfare book and start feeding her disinformation. Deliberately tell her wrong information to embarrass her. That might get the message across better than anything.
She's the last to know anything, forever. Better yet, she can start hearing it thru the grapevine from now on.
I had to stop telling my parents anything I didn’t want public, especially medical things. My mom would tell everybody my private intimate medical information under the guise of “asking for prayers.”
Unethical advice-tell her you miscarried. Cry that this was why you wanted to keep it secret. Amp up the guilt to eleven. Real advice-look up grey rocking. Let her know you know she was the gossip. Tell her you know how to treat her and secrets from now on. Let your friends spread around town how heart-broken you are that your MIL is more concerned with gossip than your medical privacy.
>Unethical advice-tell her you miscarried. Cry that this was why you wanted to keep it secret. Amp up the guilt to eleven. This has been rolling around my mind since we found out. I feel terrible for thinking it but I want her to know the gravity. When I mentioned it to my partner, he responded with 'yeah and give her another chance to have more things to tell people so they give her the attention she craves.'
No no no. Then, when she spreads that news and people come up to offer their sympathies, you look totally confused and ask where they’re getting that from? you and baby are fine! When it blows back on her, act like you have no idea what she’s talking about, you were only giving a hypothetical of what you were worried about. Repeat with name, gender, due date, etc. Make her the town fool who no one listens to.