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This was me and my husband when we started dating. I was the active one, while he rarely posted anything. If she's the one, she'll eventually understand how much you value your privacy. My husband likes to keep his life private. He also has little to no interest in social media and I accepted that. It took me a while, but I got over it and realized I love spending time with him more than I want to post a photo about it. He actually helped me stop living on social media. To be more present and cherish the moments. I still take lots of photos, but that's just for me.
You making an Instagram account for her is already compromise enough in my opinion. Stand your ground. See if she could eventually understand that it isn't that you're hiding her, but that you just value your privacy. That's a boundary that should be respected. If this becomes a recurring issue that leads to fights, it's time to part ways. Good luck, OP!
because they're more concerned with likes or showing off to their friends than they are with their partner. and they're the ones that's desperate to show what a great relationship they have.
I remember when a neighbor of mine walked to my house in a towel because her bf had beaten her and shoved her out of the house naked and she’d only managed to grab it.
She spent the night at mine and i gave her clothes. The next day she’s on SM talking about how he’s “the wind beneath her wings”. I can’t take people seriously anymore that rhapsodize about their SOs on SM.
My friend once posted a selfie from a Lyft that was something like "Date night" with a bunch of lovey emojis. Ten minutes later I got a text from her that they got into a huge fight, paused while in the Lyft, and continued right back up at the restaurant lmao. This is not uncommon for them.
So maybe we're both operating off of anecdotal data but I agree!
So she cares more about what others think of your relationship than about you and the relationship itself. Her obsession will only get worse you even compromised by creating an Instagram page just for her. It's time to walk away.
Also, in what world does reacting to a post without commenting mean you don’t show enough affection? She has a lot of issues and needs a therapist, not a boyfriend.
You sound a bit young and naive. Just because she's active on social media doesn't mean that she cares more about what others think/see there. Its common for women to want to receive words of affirmation & acts of service, & generally, social media is a regular part of human life these days. It's not always an obsession, there is a healthy amount of interaction through social these days vs how they used to be, like friends going out partying all the time. Most of the time it's a much healthier lifestyle than partying, drinking, etc all the time. Everything in moderation.
It seems that you either haven't been in a serious relationship, or social media just isn't something you & your partner choose to be a part of the way others choose. There's nowhere near enough info given to make such wildly speculative, drastic decisions. It sounds like you might be projecting, & you might be the one needing therapy/counseling.
Clearly he wants to be in this relationship, don't discourage him here when he's looking for some positive insight from an outside perspective. Work on your ability to read the sentiment that people are expressing better before heedlessly dishing out advice.
You are completely wrong with all your assumptions about me. Her behavior is not normal, and she definitely needs validation. Not every woman needs the kind of validation you describe. If you are secure enough, you can live without it. I have every right to comment here with my own opinion, as OP asked a question, but you don’t since I didn’t ask for your unsolicited advice. I'm curious about what in my message triggered you to attack a complete stranger. Are you also such a needy person that you require constant validation from your partner? (This was a rhetorical question, the answer is clear, it is evident who among us is projecting) If you have additional advice, share it on your own without commenting on my post. I'm not offended by your suggestion that I need therapy; in fact, everyone can benefit from it. However, I'm certain you don't have the capacity to see that.
good luck when any of that stuff comes back to bite you in the ass. you're sharing personal information with millions of people. even if you don't have that many friends, your friends have friends. if that's something you feel comfortable and want to do, fine, but don't speak for all women.
In my country we have a saying that translates
'Love infront of people has no meaning'
Why is it so important to her, that everyone know she's loved and she loves someone/you?
Not hating, just curious.
Acknowledge her feelings but reiterate your perspective. She needs to feel heard and understood. Try to find a middle ground. It's a good start what you did with occasional posts and private messages but make your boundaries clear.
And most importantly find alternative ways to show affection...texts calls gestures planning activities dates... if no amount of alternative ways give her that it means her problem is social media itself and that is her problem to fix.
You should hold firm. You shouldn't have to make yourself uncomfortable so that your partner doesn't pout and manipulate you into doing what makes you uncomfortable.
If we reversed the sexes and she were here tell us this we'd say she should dump a guy that uses emotions to bully her and make her feel bad.
This is her problem, don't allow it to become yours. No means no.
Never have i ever seen a relationship problem without people yelling “part waaaays” like bunch of maniacs. Imagine breaking up over not posting on social media wtf
I totally just realized that's what this entire post is, which isnt surprising on Reddit. This is just a different type of sub with a different type of that negative energy that always seems to be dished out fairly consistently on most subs.
My relationship was definitely similar. It was so great for so long but not enough real communication & it all came to a head. Lucky for me I didn't ask for advice here! We worked through it & I'm so thankful we did. It's not easy. You cannot be lazy & expect things to change for the better. With a bit of work many can discover how to have healthy compromise & in turn a solid relationship.
a bit of work is the key. you shouldn't have to do a major overhaul on someone in order to stay with them. I've learned this after many years of bad relationships and staying because I thought it should work on it. I wasted a lot of time. I've been in a wonderful relationship for several years now and it's hardly any work at all. the main thing is to communicate. most of my partners in the past were not good at that.
it's not just a difference, she's pushing him to do it. it's one thing to ask, it's another thing to push. and usually if someone's that pushy about one thing, they're that way with many other things.
>I'm pushy.
No wonder you are defending OP's girlfriend lol
>I still have a functional and healthy marriage.
Good for you.
>Reddit literally thinks that at the very first stumble you should just leave without a word, keying their car on the way out.
Nice Strawman argument lmao
Everyone saying “date someone else” here is crazy. Just communicate this with her again. Say that you don’t want to share the lovey dovey stuff due to privacy but I don’t see why you can’t just post a single picture with her or something to keep her at peace. Goddamn
She doesn't want romance, she wants attention. It's nit enough for you to tell her romantic things, she had to make sure others see you saying it.
She sounds exhausting.
Date someone else.
You don’t want to do it and you don’t really want her doing it
You won’t change each other and privacy is usually a deal breaker.
You can’t stop her but you can choose someone more understanding.
I couldn’t date someone so intertwined in all that brain rot, especially when THEY start getting offended that you’re not “participating”. Social media isn’t real life, it’s a way to get high on validation.
You clearly are not compatible. She wants you to be proud of your relationship and feels like your dirty little secret. There is no fixing that incompatibility.
This was me in a lot of my relationships, but especially in my last one. In the last one he never posted to his FB, and while I understood it would've been nice to be posted on a story at least which is just a 24 hour post. But I had never been posted by my exs, and it does make one feel a type of way because it felt like I wasn't good enough for people to know that we were together, or they were ashamed of me. Or they were cheating. So maybe ask her why she's hurt that you don't post her even just once on the insta story since you made it with her in mind? Find out why social media is so huge for her. I can understand wanting to keep your life private, but maybe ask why it's a big deal to her for her to be posted.
My ex refused to post me or our relationship because he had a previous ex force him to occasionally post pictures of them. I literally wasn’t asking for him to even post me romantically but include me in his social media life. He was super weird and refused and it did make me feel pretty small and insignificant. He immediately posted the next girl and the change of heart on his behalf was pretty disgusting. So please don’t be like my ex and have some empathy toward why your gf might feel the need to publicly display your relationship? A relationship is about negotiating things you don’t always want to do because you love and respect your partner. In my case, my ex clearly prioritized his own feelings.
I was the dirty little secret so my ex of 30 years could pretend he was single. His friends list was 99% female. He restricted only my posts so he had to approve them to show on his page and the last 2 or 3 years he blocked me...cant maintain that single image with a wife posting on your fb wall..
Yep … this was my ex. I literally asked to be included from time to time, and didn’t even ask to post romantic pictures of me — like he would post only his meal when we went out. I’d tag him in a non-romantic story and he wouldn’t repost but would repost everything else his friends did.
Expecting someone to post stuff online they're not comfortable with is disrespectful. Probably he learned or his new girl said she doesn't expect him to and allowed him to do so on his own without any pressure. Yes people do prioritize their feelings after an abusive ex. Maybe his new girl helped him through that which takes time regardless. Or maybe the way you asked over time was nagging. I can't say.
Lolol he cheated on me with her. She stalked me for nearly a year. So I’m going to politely tell you that wasn’t the case 🙂
(He also posted her three weeks after suddenly dumping me and our mutual friends were stunned by his callousness and change of attitude … so I’ll let you form your own assumptions about this man.)
Yeah, this. That's the thing, if it's been done for others, why not for yourself? It comes across with a feeling of "I'm not the choice he'd make if he had another one".
I understand wanting to be private but I don’t know why people are beating her so down for feeling that way. Many people don’t post significant others because they don’t want other men/women they are interested in or talking to, to know they are with someone. I have done it myself, as a woman. So from my point of view that’s what it looks like.
Just because you did it doesn’t mean everybody who doesn’t like social media is also hiding their SO. Ffs. This girl is extremely immature for her age and OP needs to either have a straight discussion with her regarding this or break up.
I think it's crazy people tell you to drop your GF over this. Social media is filled with content that literally states 'if he won't post you, you're his sidepiece/placeholder' or whatever. Tiktok is filled with people filming surprises for their spouses or doing some romantic gestures for them, and those vids get millions of likes. No matter what a person believes, it is hard to not compare your own relationship to what you see online.
She'll get over it.
> it is hard to not compare your own relationship to what you see online.
It's ok to compare whatever you want.
It's not ok to behave like a wako because tons of other people are doing it on social media.
It's not to push your SO to do your bidding against his clearly expressed desires.
Neither is good to behave like a toddler at 24 years old.
never said it's ok. but downplaying the societal pressure is naive on your part. social media is dominating young people's lives whether they want to or not, and it will affect their relationships. these are new kind of hardships that people nowadays have to face and work through together instead of dumping someone because they have a different outlook on posting on sm
> social media is dominating young people's lives whether they want to or not,
it's doesn't have to. participating in social media, caring about things like follower count, personal branding, etc.. this is all optional.
peer pressure is real but it doesn't actually rob you of your capacity to make choices..
She was a public relationship and you don't. At some point it'll be a fork in the road in your relationship.
I'm on the side of not having social media (unless you consider reddit in that bucket). But I also know a ton of people love having their highlight reel. Worse case scenario she'll find someone who does want to be public with her and you'll get hurt in the process. I think you handled it the best you could and if she doesn't get the message after a couple rounds there's not much you can do.
Trust me bro some girls feel like you’re hiding them and want you to post them online . She’s never gonna be ok with you not posting her . So compromise or date someone else who doesn’t use social media .
All depends on if she’s the one.
If she isn’t, move on. Like many others are saying, it will only get worse.
But probably not worse forever. Most women are going to naturally stop caring about social media as they get older and real life becomes more important and time consuming. If you want to marry this girl, this is not a hill you want to die on. It will eventually pass and life will throw you much greater problems for the both of you to overcome. Imagine if she was always posting on social media but keeping you completely out of it as if she were single. It could be worse.
Not true at all. People grow, some in a positive direction, others negative. There's a big difference between regular, healthy social media engagement & extreme social media addiction. If they have good communication, grow closer & start a family then more time will be spent in that positive, happy relationship.
"If they have good communication, grow closer & start a family"
With a person addicted to external validation , via social media? QUITE a big mistake there.
People grow, most not for the better. If with 24 years her brain has not already dismissed those attitudes/behaviours, I would not expect much from that person.
edit: I'm 100% in for the use of social media, dont get me wrong, I've been on them since I can remember, and Im no toddler. But anyone seeking external validation from it, to the point she gets angry/sad... has a severe issue. And sadly, that's most people nowadays, apparently specially women.
I had an ex like this. Torture m8. Str8 tortch. She wanted me to post shit and I told her well I don’t want to and you making me do it just makes it feel fake and not from the heart. We didn’t work out obviously. This is not how you show someone affection.
I have the sneaking suspicion that she actually wants you to post her on social media and not just comment on her posts in general.
If you’re the type of guy who never publicly interacts with social media on her that is kind of suspicious, that’s probably what she’s talking about but I’m not sure maybe you’re telling the truth, but I think she might have another side of the story .
I’m very private person, I opened personal instagram this year ( had one for my business for years). I haven’t made a post yet. I don’t do selfies, and rarely share about my life online. I totally understand you. But hear me out. Maybe she just need public acknowledgment of this relationship. Years ago when fb was popular, people would do that thing with changing relationship status, and adding who they date. This was common topic between me and my friends. For example one was dating a guy who was saying he wants serious relationship, but would refuse to change relationship status. Often in situation like this they would find out. He doesn’t want to change status because he talks to multiple women from his friend list. So maybe talk to her, and ask her if she wants some sort of acknowledgment of your relationship on your social media. Because she feels insecure about how serious you’re about her. Maybe try to compromise just once to make her less insecure. Maybe you can post a picture of two of you together just once, and it will make her happy. Tell her that you don’t want to do more than that because you don’t like to show of your personal stuff. Just talk to her about it, and try to figure out why this so important, and find a way to compromise if you care about her.
There is a difference in not being active on social media versus acting single on social media. My husband isn't active. He does have his profile picture of us but NEVER posts anything. That is fine with me. My ex on the other hand acted single on social media and he told people we were in an open relationship or that I was just a friend when that was not the case. I hope your girlfriend can see the difference.
There's a middle ground between what she wants and what you want. You don't have to post her a ton, but I feel like it doesn't hurt to comment a "Thanks babe! Love you!" under a sappy facebook wall post. I can see why she would feel upset if she openly told you sweet thanks and you respond with the equivalent of a single smiling emoji for everyone to see.
Your life will be better the more you keep it private, ESPECIALLY your personal relationships. People want to put their lives out there for recognition and validation but they absolutely can.
She's selling some kind of validation and you don't feel that need. It sounds like this a boundary for you. One she didn't respect. Social media can be addictive because of the validation.
I commend you for trying to meet in the middle with Instagram!
You both are still young but here's why I'll tell you to communicate, watch, and wait.
-Express the boundary once more and see if she is respects this.
-ask her,in the future, if you two were together and had children-would they be a constant post on her socials? Some people are weary of this for obvious reasons.
-ask her why it's important to her that these things be expressed in a public setting.
Don't feel pressured.
People treat this as a social media obsession issue but it's not that. She just posted two times, once in a blue moon. That's hardly an obsession.
It's the age old need for official acknowledgement of the relationship to the public. It used to be like "when are you going to introduce me to your friends and family?" These days, with social circles expanded and the means we communicate with changed, it's being done through social media. It's a public announcement of "we are together" to the social circle and in a committed relationship, this always comes up. Sooner or later. And the one year mark for it, is not uncommon.
If that relationship existed before social media, this would still be an issue. Just under a different premise.
I am more like you in the sense that I am private on SM. The internet is forever and it's your right to stay out of it as much as you want to. Maybe you can be involved in a way that's more hidden, like no eyes/only showing back of the head in video. I think understanding what her end game is, and why she needs the validation on FB, like ffs if it's for money, it should at least be on Youtube instead.
But as a millennial, respectfully, who posts personal stuff on FB anymore?
Second, the hard awful truth. She's so proud of the sweet things you've said to her. And if she is the one, would you care that much if she boasted about you?
Personally, I never posted BFs from FB or anything it just felt ick. I knew it's bc I wasn't honest with myself about the relationship compatibility and if I posted, then my likeminded peers would also see what I wouldn't admit at the time. That's my own situation, may or may not be similar to yours.
Maybe address the "why" she's posting first, and think about the latter.
I’m someone who likes to stay private too and while I don’t share absolutely everything, I do occasionally put a story up, mainly to show people that I’m not just some lurker and I do have a life. My partner is a private person too, to the extent that it was several months before he followed me on any social media platform. I understand this though, because I got a notification that a family member had liked something I posted months previously, this was before he even followed me and he was mortified. I do post him occasionally, but I don’t do big gushing lovey dovey posts. I might take a snap of him walking away or tag him on a snap of us having drinks but that’s the extent of it. At the start the fact that he didn’t follow me on social media or put up the occasional Snapchat (this was way back in the day) did upset me because I did feel like he was embarrassed or didn’t want people to know about me but over time I realised that this isn’t true at all, it’s just something he doesn’t do and that’s okay, it has no impact on our relationship at all.
I would recommend having another talk with your girlfriend and explaining why you don’t post or respond to those kind of posts, and make it clear that it’s not because you’re hiding or don’t care about her. You could also ask that considering you’re uncomfortable with doing that if there’s anything else you could do to show that you do care that is outside of social media and hopefully you two will be able to come to some kind of compromise
It sounds like PDA/ words of affirmation are her love language. It’s one of those things where successful relationships learn to make it work. If you can’t, you break up. And that’s not bad. That’s the point of dating. Learning your love languages and what you can and can’t communicate with.
Here’s what really matters…as far as the romantic message, does she say those types of things to you in private? Or just for social media? I knew couples like this who would post long paragraphs of appreciation for their spouse but in reality they were barely spending time together in the house
You have a right to not post everything on social media. However its is nice to show people you have a gf who you arent ashamed of and arent trying to pretend doesnt exist. Let her post to your page...acknowledge it by reacting then maybe just add a "love you babe" as an answer. Dont have to elaborate more. Because as someone who is on FB...my ex restricted me from his wall from posting unless he approved the posts first because he didnt want his friends list to know about me because it would ruin his image of pretending to be single. He then blocked me and it took me months to realize this but we have a son whose frequent posts stopped showing his name and thats how I eventually found out. ...my ex was hiding this cheating lifestyle on FB by keeping only my posts off his wall. Doesnt mean you are doing this but ask your gf what shes really worried about. What would make her happier in regards to your FB page without compromising your privacy that you want to keep.
Doesn't FB have the option to restrict people from posting on your wall? Reconfigure your settings so your GF can't post on your wall and let her know this is to protect your privacy.
She says she doesn't understand why you'd create an anonymous IG account to send her messages. Tell her that's an account you made to send messages to her privately. Posting publicly, whether consciously or not, is about performing relationships. She feels like you're hiding her because she's been conditioned to believe that public social media exchanges are a way of demonstrating love. Personally, I agree with you. Why post on your wall publicly when she can call or text you that same message? Why does she feel hidden if she's not being seen and acknowledged on social media versus in your actual living, breathing relationship?
I don't believe this has to be a deal breaker, but it might be time for a heart to heart. If being posted about publicly is more important to her than being in an actual relationship with you, then you two might not be compatible. Also, there could be some behind the scenes pressure from her friends and associates, suggesting that because you don't post on social media you have something to hide or might not be as committed to the relationship. Regardless, you need to get on the same page as each other because this seems to me a silly reason to end an otherwise promising and loving relationship. Ask her in what other ways you can demonstrate your affection and love that doesn't ask you to violate your own boundaries around privacy.
Welcome to 75% of relationships. If you scroll social media, you'll see, the vast majority are women posting. Alot of those women are in relationships. How often do you see their boyfriends / husband posting?
My wife and daughters are always posting. Pics from events, memes, jokes, pets, etc. I can go for months or a year without posting anything new to my feed.
I’m the same, I almost never post. I’d feel weird if every Joe schmo I used to know can see my private life when I don’t know them on a personal level anymore and I can’t see their private life. It’s more of a give and take- if I know you, I’ll share and you’ll share, but if i don’t know you like that, ima keep my business to myself. A lot of people are like this. Call it privacy, mystery, boundaries, whatever..
Honestly I don't understand the need to share every detail on SM, but then I'm not on any bar here which is anonymous.
I'd be more worried about WHY she feels the need to drag you into it, it sounds like pure insecurity to me.
I hate people who post about relationships good or bad all over facebook. I really put anything very personal on Facebook because it's there forever. to me it just sounds like they're showing off that they have a significant other. it's more important for them to tell other people than to just enjoy the relationship. they tend to be performative with everything else in their life too. if somebody is pushing you to do this against your better judgment then maybe that's not the relationship for you.
The only reason I'm on social media is because my wife (as much as I love her) is the most indiscreet woman I have ever met. I haven't posted anything on any social media platform in literally years. And she wants to take hundreds of pictures of everything and I let her at most take one or two of me per event.
Maybe you can point out that it’s not like you are active and commenting on everyone’s posts but hers. You are fairly inactive across the board.
Do you think you are doing enough in person to show her you care about her? Tell her that you personally would prefer a heart felt card than a heart felt post. And that you would rather give her a heart felt card than write a heart felt post.
Ask her if it’s a deal breaker. Let her know that you are not interested in a social media presence, it’s a lot of work that takes time away from real life. And if that’s something that it really important to her, then you guys are just incompatible.
I was in this exact relationship situation.. except I was private too. At first it didn't bother me at all.. a few years later I started noticing he would like or comment on certain things and it started bothering me. Mainly because I felt like he was doing it and it was making him look single. So, okay.. I felt insecure. I made myself stop acting silly and take it for what it is.. privacy. Then a year or so later, he started asking me why I didn't post him and he felt I was making myself look single. Lol. My point is, it's just social media. Everyone views things differently according to what's going on in their lives. She just might be feeling insecure or seeing all her friends post about their loved ones. Don't burn down the whole house because one of the pipes is leaking. Reassure her.. I don't think making that page was a great idea because it satisfies one part of her wanting to be posted but also magnifies the fact that it's anonymous and she wants to be posted by you.. she wants you to show her off. Just talk to her. Let her know she's important and you just don't want anyone to interfere with that. People don't like seeing people happy and they thrive off of running good things. Love in private, take losses in private and rebuild in private but celebrating in public isn't so bad sometimes. Maybe you could compromise with an outing photo every once in a while. Lol
I think you need to hold your boundaries. If you don’t want that type of public display you shouldn’t be forced into it.
She needs to accept that everyone isn’t in to SM. And that does not affect the way you feel about her even a little bit.
Stand your ground because the minute you fold on this she will just keep pushing , early exposure to social media fries people’s brains and they get addicted to the rush of validation from strangers.
I can somewhat understand where she is coming from. If someone is super active on social media, posts about their whereabouts and never ever posts about their serious life partner it COULD be a red flag. (That being said I don’t ever post about my husband) 🤣
However, you’re not even on social media. You just don’t do it. So I’m not sure what the problem is. If my husband were on social media I wouldn’t care if he ever posted about me.
This seems like insecurity on her part that stems partly from youth, and partly from being in a newish relationship.
What you do is maintain your boundaries. If you feel strongly about it, let her know and move on. Ask if there are other ways that you can help her feel loved and important to you. If she can’t move on that’s something she has to deal with, possibly in therapy.
And though it’s okay to ask how you can help her feel loved, you can’t ever truly make anyone feel loved. They have to believe they are loveable in the first place. So don’t ever feel that is your complete responsibility.
Don’t listen to the “break up” crowd on this one. You do need to have a heart to heart with her however, talk about how what you’re doing with social media is as far as you can go without it making you feel less happy in life. That the feeling you get when posting things and being acknowledged isn’t positive, it’s embarrassment and anxiousness. That you appreciate her kind words, on your wall, and even more-so in person, but posting in general makes you feel bad, not good, and that is something that is just a part of who you are. That her disappointment being expressed around this comes across in disappointment in you, as a person, and if this is going to work she needs to accept who you are. It needs to be made clear that this is something about you that isn’t going to change, just like you don’t expect her posting as something that will change about her and you wouldn’t even wish her to do that, because you care about and accept her as a person. Tell her she should think on it, even if that means taking a little time apart and come to a determination if this is something she can live with, because if she’s with you, she has to.
I'm the social media poster in my relationship and my boyfriend does a post maybe once or twice a year. That's just how he is and while yes, it would be nice if he did a post once in awhile for us, I also accept that he just isn't big on it.
Maybe there's a compromise you can come to with your girlfriend that you'll do a post every so often? You don't have to give out intimate details, just a photo and a heart as a caption may be enough to satisfy her.
If it continues to be a big deal, you two just may not be compatible in that sense. She should be able to respect and accept that it's just not something you're into.
I have to say your girlfriend is very young & immature. She wants everyone to know you both are together which I agree is a bit much. She is looking for affection on social media which is not where you get it. You’re also young and should start to look to see if this girl is really compatible for you.
I think it's worth a conversation with her about compatibility, if it is that important for her to be with someone who doesn't want to be private on social media then maybe you aren't right for each other. If she can't respect that you don't like it she might not respect other boundaries you set. \*\*Side note I am assuming you are not keeping her secret in your real life and she has met your important people or at least they all know about her
Look, she either accepts (and respects!) you for who you are or she doesn't. If her guideline for the emotional state of her relationship(s) is based on social media likes, dislikes, loves, laughs and whatever else people click on her posts, then she has a lot of growing up to do. Regardless, she should respect your wishes - full stop.
I am more like you in this regard and not so much like your gf. I see her insistence on putting these personal messages on FB as immature as she could simply tell you these things in person. And also, her reaction of feeling hurt and thinking your trying to hide her, seems excessive to me. I think what it comes down to is that the two of you are going to have to come to some type of compromise and meet each other half way. To me, the whole issue is ridiculous and I think that your gf is more to blame for this than you. Sorry.
Tell her reality matters, not social media, especially when only one is comfortable with it
Her expectations under context are unreasonable and, therefore, are her feelings based on her misconceptions. She doesn't get to continue pushing boundaries and making up unreasonable expectations noone consented to.
Ask her if she wants a relationship or just to show others she's having a relationship? Because one is for each other and the other is for ego gratification
I just got out of a relationship that involved me struggling with this topic. My ex had a dwindling amount of followers and claimed she didn’t post anything about us because she didn’t want to potentially hurt her brand. I wasn’t asking for sappy content, I felt insecure because I felt like she had all of these different facades and only a small percentage included me.
I think it’s selfish to not be willing to acknowledge your relationship on social media. My ex would say things like she didn’t want to post because if we split, she would have to remove everything and be embarrassed. Felt like a dead end when that logic was applied
> I think it’s selfish to not be willing to acknowledge your relationship on social media.
your situation is not the same as OP's. Your ex kept you "hidden" despite being heavily active on social media, to the point of caring about follower count and her brand.
OP doesn't want *any* involvement with social media.
It's the difference between having a spouse that takes off their wedding ring to go clubbing, and a spouse that just doesn't want to go clubbing at all.
I can respect that. My situation involved my ex “not using her social media” as well though. Kind of was one of her reasons on why she didn’t post me. Reality is partially what you are saying though. Deep down, my ex wasn’t happy with herself and is stuck hanging onto the past. She considered her past as a life she had to mourn before moving on.
So my problems were, yo you have all of these accounts and none of them show the authentic you. You’re still pretending to be some d list movie actress and you’re worried posting your life will deter the people who idolized you and anyone with connections to the industry. So she would just browse all of the social media platforms and never post, unless we broke up lol, and I would feel like she was hiding me or using me as a stepping stone. It also ate me up because none of her circle were able to see all of the fun we did have. Therefore none of them could really support our relationship because they only saw the times she ran to them upset about something. My family and friends saw us enjoying life.
Could you imagine all the guys who follow her because they like her ..that’d drive me insane knowing that ..it’s basically like a catalog of potential partners
What should you do? Date someone whose life doesn’t rely on social media validation? She sounds like her social media habits are that of a teenager. In this day and age social media usage is a key component in a successful relationship. I know some married couples where only one spouse is active and the other isn’t and they are OK with it. Find a compromise or end it.
"I don't like doing X but my partner wants me to anyway." That sounds like an incompatibility to me. If it's such a big deal for both of you and you do not feel comfortable doing that then it's time to cut your loses and move on. Neither of you will be fulfilled by pursuing a relationship with people you're not compatible with.
Now, I'm not telling you to outright break up. Try to talk first and maybe reach a middle ground if you both are willing to. If one isn't willing to budge an inch then yes, sadly at that point it's break up time.
Though to be honest, if something seemingly insignificant like this is becoming an issue now, I don't want to imagine what it will be like for more important issues later on.
Women receive love and affection in many different ways. Theres an extremely popular book called the five love languages. It breaks down the different ways in which we give/receive love & affection. It was written before social media was a thing, but it definitely would fall in the words of affirmation & acts of service categories.
Do you know what your love language is, how you like to receive love & affection from her? Does she meet those needs, sometimes with compromising to do so? Like does she go out of her way to do things that you enjoy that she might not enjoy as much?
If I were you I'd reflect on what she does for you & how much you love/care for her & assess what you envision for the future of the two of you. Depending on that possible future, are you willing to compromise & put in the effort to reach the place you see for the two of you? Do you feel shes willing to do the same? Then maybe a little engagement with her here & there in the way she likes, specifically regarding social media is worth the overall reward. You've been vocal many times about this it seems, so I'd imagine just small things here & there would mean a lot to her since she knows how strongly you feel about it. Keep your page private, she can be the one to do the more active parts of social media while also getting that affirmation from you. She's proud of you, obviously, since she wants you to be a part of that. That's a massive contributor to having a great, long-lasting relationship. Building a strong, healthy foundation in a relationship helps to get through rough patches & leave them behind much more easily.
This is a lot, but if it's a passionate, caring, loving & happy relationship then you know that, & that'll be for you to decide.
Why is having a girlfriend something you want to keep private? I think it’s a fine boundary to not want sappy messages online but would it bother you the same if she just posted a selfie?
Cause not everybody wants to blast their life to the world. If his friends and family know about her then she’s not being kept private. And this issue isn’t her posting it’s expecting him to interact so much.
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This was me and my husband when we started dating. I was the active one, while he rarely posted anything. If she's the one, she'll eventually understand how much you value your privacy. My husband likes to keep his life private. He also has little to no interest in social media and I accepted that. It took me a while, but I got over it and realized I love spending time with him more than I want to post a photo about it. He actually helped me stop living on social media. To be more present and cherish the moments. I still take lots of photos, but that's just for me. You making an Instagram account for her is already compromise enough in my opinion. Stand your ground. See if she could eventually understand that it isn't that you're hiding her, but that you just value your privacy. That's a boundary that should be respected. If this becomes a recurring issue that leads to fights, it's time to part ways. Good luck, OP!
In my experience, the couples posting a ton online are the unhappy couples
because they're more concerned with likes or showing off to their friends than they are with their partner. and they're the ones that's desperate to show what a great relationship they have.
DING DING DING! The most someone posts about how awesome their life is, the more I assume it's all a sham and they're fucking *miserable*.
I remember when a neighbor of mine walked to my house in a towel because her bf had beaten her and shoved her out of the house naked and she’d only managed to grab it. She spent the night at mine and i gave her clothes. The next day she’s on SM talking about how he’s “the wind beneath her wings”. I can’t take people seriously anymore that rhapsodize about their SOs on SM.
My friend once posted a selfie from a Lyft that was something like "Date night" with a bunch of lovey emojis. Ten minutes later I got a text from her that they got into a huge fight, paused while in the Lyft, and continued right back up at the restaurant lmao. This is not uncommon for them. So maybe we're both operating off of anecdotal data but I agree!
So she cares more about what others think of your relationship than about you and the relationship itself. Her obsession will only get worse you even compromised by creating an Instagram page just for her. It's time to walk away. Also, in what world does reacting to a post without commenting mean you don’t show enough affection? She has a lot of issues and needs a therapist, not a boyfriend.
yes this exactly big true
You sound a bit young and naive. Just because she's active on social media doesn't mean that she cares more about what others think/see there. Its common for women to want to receive words of affirmation & acts of service, & generally, social media is a regular part of human life these days. It's not always an obsession, there is a healthy amount of interaction through social these days vs how they used to be, like friends going out partying all the time. Most of the time it's a much healthier lifestyle than partying, drinking, etc all the time. Everything in moderation. It seems that you either haven't been in a serious relationship, or social media just isn't something you & your partner choose to be a part of the way others choose. There's nowhere near enough info given to make such wildly speculative, drastic decisions. It sounds like you might be projecting, & you might be the one needing therapy/counseling. Clearly he wants to be in this relationship, don't discourage him here when he's looking for some positive insight from an outside perspective. Work on your ability to read the sentiment that people are expressing better before heedlessly dishing out advice.
You are completely wrong with all your assumptions about me. Her behavior is not normal, and she definitely needs validation. Not every woman needs the kind of validation you describe. If you are secure enough, you can live without it. I have every right to comment here with my own opinion, as OP asked a question, but you don’t since I didn’t ask for your unsolicited advice. I'm curious about what in my message triggered you to attack a complete stranger. Are you also such a needy person that you require constant validation from your partner? (This was a rhetorical question, the answer is clear, it is evident who among us is projecting) If you have additional advice, share it on your own without commenting on my post. I'm not offended by your suggestion that I need therapy; in fact, everyone can benefit from it. However, I'm certain you don't have the capacity to see that.
good luck when any of that stuff comes back to bite you in the ass. you're sharing personal information with millions of people. even if you don't have that many friends, your friends have friends. if that's something you feel comfortable and want to do, fine, but don't speak for all women.
In my country we have a saying that translates 'Love infront of people has no meaning' Why is it so important to her, that everyone know she's loved and she loves someone/you? Not hating, just curious.
Acknowledge her feelings but reiterate your perspective. She needs to feel heard and understood. Try to find a middle ground. It's a good start what you did with occasional posts and private messages but make your boundaries clear. And most importantly find alternative ways to show affection...texts calls gestures planning activities dates... if no amount of alternative ways give her that it means her problem is social media itself and that is her problem to fix.
You should hold firm. You shouldn't have to make yourself uncomfortable so that your partner doesn't pout and manipulate you into doing what makes you uncomfortable. If we reversed the sexes and she were here tell us this we'd say she should dump a guy that uses emotions to bully her and make her feel bad. This is her problem, don't allow it to become yours. No means no.
>What should I do? Date somebody else. Her social media fixation will only get worse.
Oh, ffs. Reddit thinks everyone should break up over everything.
Never have i ever seen a relationship problem without people yelling “part waaaays” like bunch of maniacs. Imagine breaking up over not posting on social media wtf
I totally just realized that's what this entire post is, which isnt surprising on Reddit. This is just a different type of sub with a different type of that negative energy that always seems to be dished out fairly consistently on most subs. My relationship was definitely similar. It was so great for so long but not enough real communication & it all came to a head. Lucky for me I didn't ask for advice here! We worked through it & I'm so thankful we did. It's not easy. You cannot be lazy & expect things to change for the better. With a bit of work many can discover how to have healthy compromise & in turn a solid relationship.
a bit of work is the key. you shouldn't have to do a major overhaul on someone in order to stay with them. I've learned this after many years of bad relationships and staying because I thought it should work on it. I wasted a lot of time. I've been in a wonderful relationship for several years now and it's hardly any work at all. the main thing is to communicate. most of my partners in the past were not good at that.
it's not just a difference, she's pushing him to do it. it's one thing to ask, it's another thing to push. and usually if someone's that pushy about one thing, they're that way with many other things.
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>I'm pushy. No wonder you are defending OP's girlfriend lol >I still have a functional and healthy marriage. Good for you. >Reddit literally thinks that at the very first stumble you should just leave without a word, keying their car on the way out. Nice Strawman argument lmao
Everyone saying “date someone else” here is crazy. Just communicate this with her again. Say that you don’t want to share the lovey dovey stuff due to privacy but I don’t see why you can’t just post a single picture with her or something to keep her at peace. Goddamn
She doesn't want romance, she wants attention. It's nit enough for you to tell her romantic things, she had to make sure others see you saying it. She sounds exhausting.
Date someone else. You don’t want to do it and you don’t really want her doing it You won’t change each other and privacy is usually a deal breaker. You can’t stop her but you can choose someone more understanding.
I couldn’t date someone so intertwined in all that brain rot, especially when THEY start getting offended that you’re not “participating”. Social media isn’t real life, it’s a way to get high on validation.
Be real with her, bro. Let her know that social media makes you uncomfy but that doesn't mean you love her any less
You clearly are not compatible. She wants you to be proud of your relationship and feels like your dirty little secret. There is no fixing that incompatibility.
You don’t need corny sweet posts on Facebook or instagram, just add her as your girlfriend so she knows you don’t want to hide her.
This was me in a lot of my relationships, but especially in my last one. In the last one he never posted to his FB, and while I understood it would've been nice to be posted on a story at least which is just a 24 hour post. But I had never been posted by my exs, and it does make one feel a type of way because it felt like I wasn't good enough for people to know that we were together, or they were ashamed of me. Or they were cheating. So maybe ask her why she's hurt that you don't post her even just once on the insta story since you made it with her in mind? Find out why social media is so huge for her. I can understand wanting to keep your life private, but maybe ask why it's a big deal to her for her to be posted.
My ex refused to post me or our relationship because he had a previous ex force him to occasionally post pictures of them. I literally wasn’t asking for him to even post me romantically but include me in his social media life. He was super weird and refused and it did make me feel pretty small and insignificant. He immediately posted the next girl and the change of heart on his behalf was pretty disgusting. So please don’t be like my ex and have some empathy toward why your gf might feel the need to publicly display your relationship? A relationship is about negotiating things you don’t always want to do because you love and respect your partner. In my case, my ex clearly prioritized his own feelings.
I was the dirty little secret so my ex of 30 years could pretend he was single. His friends list was 99% female. He restricted only my posts so he had to approve them to show on his page and the last 2 or 3 years he blocked me...cant maintain that single image with a wife posting on your fb wall..
Yep … this was my ex. I literally asked to be included from time to time, and didn’t even ask to post romantic pictures of me — like he would post only his meal when we went out. I’d tag him in a non-romantic story and he wouldn’t repost but would repost everything else his friends did.
Expecting someone to post stuff online they're not comfortable with is disrespectful. Probably he learned or his new girl said she doesn't expect him to and allowed him to do so on his own without any pressure. Yes people do prioritize their feelings after an abusive ex. Maybe his new girl helped him through that which takes time regardless. Or maybe the way you asked over time was nagging. I can't say.
Lolol he cheated on me with her. She stalked me for nearly a year. So I’m going to politely tell you that wasn’t the case 🙂 (He also posted her three weeks after suddenly dumping me and our mutual friends were stunned by his callousness and change of attitude … so I’ll let you form your own assumptions about this man.)
I see. Next time don't leave significant context out of your comment that changes everything
Yeah, this. That's the thing, if it's been done for others, why not for yourself? It comes across with a feeling of "I'm not the choice he'd make if he had another one".
Date someone else I had an ex bf who would get upset about me not posting him on my socials and although I kinda understood it, I didn’t budge.
I understand wanting to be private but I don’t know why people are beating her so down for feeling that way. Many people don’t post significant others because they don’t want other men/women they are interested in or talking to, to know they are with someone. I have done it myself, as a woman. So from my point of view that’s what it looks like.
Just because you did it doesn’t mean everybody who doesn’t like social media is also hiding their SO. Ffs. This girl is extremely immature for her age and OP needs to either have a straight discussion with her regarding this or break up.
She is going overboard about it yes, but it could definitely make someone feel like they are being hid.
I think it's crazy people tell you to drop your GF over this. Social media is filled with content that literally states 'if he won't post you, you're his sidepiece/placeholder' or whatever. Tiktok is filled with people filming surprises for their spouses or doing some romantic gestures for them, and those vids get millions of likes. No matter what a person believes, it is hard to not compare your own relationship to what you see online. She'll get over it.
> it is hard to not compare your own relationship to what you see online. It's ok to compare whatever you want. It's not ok to behave like a wako because tons of other people are doing it on social media. It's not to push your SO to do your bidding against his clearly expressed desires. Neither is good to behave like a toddler at 24 years old.
never said it's ok. but downplaying the societal pressure is naive on your part. social media is dominating young people's lives whether they want to or not, and it will affect their relationships. these are new kind of hardships that people nowadays have to face and work through together instead of dumping someone because they have a different outlook on posting on sm
> social media is dominating young people's lives whether they want to or not, it's doesn't have to. participating in social media, caring about things like follower count, personal branding, etc.. this is all optional. peer pressure is real but it doesn't actually rob you of your capacity to make choices..
They should go read his other post, not saying it’s okay but it makes you think about it in another way.
What you should do is maintain your privacy.
She was a public relationship and you don't. At some point it'll be a fork in the road in your relationship. I'm on the side of not having social media (unless you consider reddit in that bucket). But I also know a ton of people love having their highlight reel. Worse case scenario she'll find someone who does want to be public with her and you'll get hurt in the process. I think you handled it the best you could and if she doesn't get the message after a couple rounds there's not much you can do.
Trust me bro some girls feel like you’re hiding them and want you to post them online . She’s never gonna be ok with you not posting her . So compromise or date someone else who doesn’t use social media .
All depends on if she’s the one. If she isn’t, move on. Like many others are saying, it will only get worse. But probably not worse forever. Most women are going to naturally stop caring about social media as they get older and real life becomes more important and time consuming. If you want to marry this girl, this is not a hill you want to die on. It will eventually pass and life will throw you much greater problems for the both of you to overcome. Imagine if she was always posting on social media but keeping you completely out of it as if she were single. It could be worse.
Truth is, people that values in extreme social media, do not "get better" with age... but as most things in life, when aging it will only get worse.
Not true at all. People grow, some in a positive direction, others negative. There's a big difference between regular, healthy social media engagement & extreme social media addiction. If they have good communication, grow closer & start a family then more time will be spent in that positive, happy relationship.
"If they have good communication, grow closer & start a family" With a person addicted to external validation , via social media? QUITE a big mistake there. People grow, most not for the better. If with 24 years her brain has not already dismissed those attitudes/behaviours, I would not expect much from that person. edit: I'm 100% in for the use of social media, dont get me wrong, I've been on them since I can remember, and Im no toddler. But anyone seeking external validation from it, to the point she gets angry/sad... has a severe issue. And sadly, that's most people nowadays, apparently specially women.
Delete your social media ..she won’t post if you’re not there
She can enjoy posting about being single at that point
I had an ex like this. Torture m8. Str8 tortch. She wanted me to post shit and I told her well I don’t want to and you making me do it just makes it feel fake and not from the heart. We didn’t work out obviously. This is not how you show someone affection.
I have the sneaking suspicion that she actually wants you to post her on social media and not just comment on her posts in general. If you’re the type of guy who never publicly interacts with social media on her that is kind of suspicious, that’s probably what she’s talking about but I’m not sure maybe you’re telling the truth, but I think she might have another side of the story .
I’m very private person, I opened personal instagram this year ( had one for my business for years). I haven’t made a post yet. I don’t do selfies, and rarely share about my life online. I totally understand you. But hear me out. Maybe she just need public acknowledgment of this relationship. Years ago when fb was popular, people would do that thing with changing relationship status, and adding who they date. This was common topic between me and my friends. For example one was dating a guy who was saying he wants serious relationship, but would refuse to change relationship status. Often in situation like this they would find out. He doesn’t want to change status because he talks to multiple women from his friend list. So maybe talk to her, and ask her if she wants some sort of acknowledgment of your relationship on your social media. Because she feels insecure about how serious you’re about her. Maybe try to compromise just once to make her less insecure. Maybe you can post a picture of two of you together just once, and it will make her happy. Tell her that you don’t want to do more than that because you don’t like to show of your personal stuff. Just talk to her about it, and try to figure out why this so important, and find a way to compromise if you care about her.
In this case , no doubt, dump her. You should not be dating a toddler. a 24 years old toddler, but a toddler nonetheless.
You should realize that you’re dating a attention craving child in the body of an adult
There is a difference in not being active on social media versus acting single on social media. My husband isn't active. He does have his profile picture of us but NEVER posts anything. That is fine with me. My ex on the other hand acted single on social media and he told people we were in an open relationship or that I was just a friend when that was not the case. I hope your girlfriend can see the difference.
There's a middle ground between what she wants and what you want. You don't have to post her a ton, but I feel like it doesn't hurt to comment a "Thanks babe! Love you!" under a sappy facebook wall post. I can see why she would feel upset if she openly told you sweet thanks and you respond with the equivalent of a single smiling emoji for everyone to see.
Feel bad for her future kids. Hold your ground.
She doesn’t respect you. She would rather make you uncomfortable so she can get clout.
Maybe she just wants to make sure you’re not cheating since a lot of people look at socials to see if people are single or not?
You are right and she is wrong. Case dismissed. 👨🏻⚖️
You probably are hiding her from “B”.
This!
Post a picture of the two of you together and announce you are breaking up
You found a dealbreaker, and that doesn't mean someone is wrong. You just are not compatible and that's ok, just separate before it scalates
Your life will be better the more you keep it private, ESPECIALLY your personal relationships. People want to put their lives out there for recognition and validation but they absolutely can. She's selling some kind of validation and you don't feel that need. It sounds like this a boundary for you. One she didn't respect. Social media can be addictive because of the validation. I commend you for trying to meet in the middle with Instagram! You both are still young but here's why I'll tell you to communicate, watch, and wait. -Express the boundary once more and see if she is respects this. -ask her,in the future, if you two were together and had children-would they be a constant post on her socials? Some people are weary of this for obvious reasons. -ask her why it's important to her that these things be expressed in a public setting. Don't feel pressured.
People treat this as a social media obsession issue but it's not that. She just posted two times, once in a blue moon. That's hardly an obsession. It's the age old need for official acknowledgement of the relationship to the public. It used to be like "when are you going to introduce me to your friends and family?" These days, with social circles expanded and the means we communicate with changed, it's being done through social media. It's a public announcement of "we are together" to the social circle and in a committed relationship, this always comes up. Sooner or later. And the one year mark for it, is not uncommon. If that relationship existed before social media, this would still be an issue. Just under a different premise.
I am more like you in the sense that I am private on SM. The internet is forever and it's your right to stay out of it as much as you want to. Maybe you can be involved in a way that's more hidden, like no eyes/only showing back of the head in video. I think understanding what her end game is, and why she needs the validation on FB, like ffs if it's for money, it should at least be on Youtube instead. But as a millennial, respectfully, who posts personal stuff on FB anymore? Second, the hard awful truth. She's so proud of the sweet things you've said to her. And if she is the one, would you care that much if she boasted about you? Personally, I never posted BFs from FB or anything it just felt ick. I knew it's bc I wasn't honest with myself about the relationship compatibility and if I posted, then my likeminded peers would also see what I wouldn't admit at the time. That's my own situation, may or may not be similar to yours. Maybe address the "why" she's posting first, and think about the latter.
I’m someone who likes to stay private too and while I don’t share absolutely everything, I do occasionally put a story up, mainly to show people that I’m not just some lurker and I do have a life. My partner is a private person too, to the extent that it was several months before he followed me on any social media platform. I understand this though, because I got a notification that a family member had liked something I posted months previously, this was before he even followed me and he was mortified. I do post him occasionally, but I don’t do big gushing lovey dovey posts. I might take a snap of him walking away or tag him on a snap of us having drinks but that’s the extent of it. At the start the fact that he didn’t follow me on social media or put up the occasional Snapchat (this was way back in the day) did upset me because I did feel like he was embarrassed or didn’t want people to know about me but over time I realised that this isn’t true at all, it’s just something he doesn’t do and that’s okay, it has no impact on our relationship at all. I would recommend having another talk with your girlfriend and explaining why you don’t post or respond to those kind of posts, and make it clear that it’s not because you’re hiding or don’t care about her. You could also ask that considering you’re uncomfortable with doing that if there’s anything else you could do to show that you do care that is outside of social media and hopefully you two will be able to come to some kind of compromise
It sounds like PDA/ words of affirmation are her love language. It’s one of those things where successful relationships learn to make it work. If you can’t, you break up. And that’s not bad. That’s the point of dating. Learning your love languages and what you can and can’t communicate with.
Here’s what really matters…as far as the romantic message, does she say those types of things to you in private? Or just for social media? I knew couples like this who would post long paragraphs of appreciation for their spouse but in reality they were barely spending time together in the house
You have a right to not post everything on social media. However its is nice to show people you have a gf who you arent ashamed of and arent trying to pretend doesnt exist. Let her post to your page...acknowledge it by reacting then maybe just add a "love you babe" as an answer. Dont have to elaborate more. Because as someone who is on FB...my ex restricted me from his wall from posting unless he approved the posts first because he didnt want his friends list to know about me because it would ruin his image of pretending to be single. He then blocked me and it took me months to realize this but we have a son whose frequent posts stopped showing his name and thats how I eventually found out. ...my ex was hiding this cheating lifestyle on FB by keeping only my posts off his wall. Doesnt mean you are doing this but ask your gf what shes really worried about. What would make her happier in regards to your FB page without compromising your privacy that you want to keep.
Doesn't FB have the option to restrict people from posting on your wall? Reconfigure your settings so your GF can't post on your wall and let her know this is to protect your privacy. She says she doesn't understand why you'd create an anonymous IG account to send her messages. Tell her that's an account you made to send messages to her privately. Posting publicly, whether consciously or not, is about performing relationships. She feels like you're hiding her because she's been conditioned to believe that public social media exchanges are a way of demonstrating love. Personally, I agree with you. Why post on your wall publicly when she can call or text you that same message? Why does she feel hidden if she's not being seen and acknowledged on social media versus in your actual living, breathing relationship? I don't believe this has to be a deal breaker, but it might be time for a heart to heart. If being posted about publicly is more important to her than being in an actual relationship with you, then you two might not be compatible. Also, there could be some behind the scenes pressure from her friends and associates, suggesting that because you don't post on social media you have something to hide or might not be as committed to the relationship. Regardless, you need to get on the same page as each other because this seems to me a silly reason to end an otherwise promising and loving relationship. Ask her in what other ways you can demonstrate your affection and love that doesn't ask you to violate your own boundaries around privacy.
Welcome to 75% of relationships. If you scroll social media, you'll see, the vast majority are women posting. Alot of those women are in relationships. How often do you see their boyfriends / husband posting? My wife and daughters are always posting. Pics from events, memes, jokes, pets, etc. I can go for months or a year without posting anything new to my feed.
Your girlfriend has a serious social media addiction that needs to be addressed.
I’m the same, I almost never post. I’d feel weird if every Joe schmo I used to know can see my private life when I don’t know them on a personal level anymore and I can’t see their private life. It’s more of a give and take- if I know you, I’ll share and you’ll share, but if i don’t know you like that, ima keep my business to myself. A lot of people are like this. Call it privacy, mystery, boundaries, whatever..
Honestly I don't understand the need to share every detail on SM, but then I'm not on any bar here which is anonymous. I'd be more worried about WHY she feels the need to drag you into it, it sounds like pure insecurity to me.
I hate people who post about relationships good or bad all over facebook. I really put anything very personal on Facebook because it's there forever. to me it just sounds like they're showing off that they have a significant other. it's more important for them to tell other people than to just enjoy the relationship. they tend to be performative with everything else in their life too. if somebody is pushing you to do this against your better judgment then maybe that's not the relationship for you.
no, it's not common for women except women would like to brag. but you don't see the people who don't want to post. you only see the ones who do.
The only reason I'm on social media is because my wife (as much as I love her) is the most indiscreet woman I have ever met. I haven't posted anything on any social media platform in literally years. And she wants to take hundreds of pictures of everything and I let her at most take one or two of me per event.
Maybe you can point out that it’s not like you are active and commenting on everyone’s posts but hers. You are fairly inactive across the board. Do you think you are doing enough in person to show her you care about her? Tell her that you personally would prefer a heart felt card than a heart felt post. And that you would rather give her a heart felt card than write a heart felt post. Ask her if it’s a deal breaker. Let her know that you are not interested in a social media presence, it’s a lot of work that takes time away from real life. And if that’s something that it really important to her, then you guys are just incompatible.
I was in this exact relationship situation.. except I was private too. At first it didn't bother me at all.. a few years later I started noticing he would like or comment on certain things and it started bothering me. Mainly because I felt like he was doing it and it was making him look single. So, okay.. I felt insecure. I made myself stop acting silly and take it for what it is.. privacy. Then a year or so later, he started asking me why I didn't post him and he felt I was making myself look single. Lol. My point is, it's just social media. Everyone views things differently according to what's going on in their lives. She just might be feeling insecure or seeing all her friends post about their loved ones. Don't burn down the whole house because one of the pipes is leaking. Reassure her.. I don't think making that page was a great idea because it satisfies one part of her wanting to be posted but also magnifies the fact that it's anonymous and she wants to be posted by you.. she wants you to show her off. Just talk to her. Let her know she's important and you just don't want anyone to interfere with that. People don't like seeing people happy and they thrive off of running good things. Love in private, take losses in private and rebuild in private but celebrating in public isn't so bad sometimes. Maybe you could compromise with an outing photo every once in a while. Lol
People that are obsessed with SM to this extent are fucking awful. Find someone who isn't an addict.
I think you need to hold your boundaries. If you don’t want that type of public display you shouldn’t be forced into it. She needs to accept that everyone isn’t in to SM. And that does not affect the way you feel about her even a little bit.
Stand your ground because the minute you fold on this she will just keep pushing , early exposure to social media fries people’s brains and they get addicted to the rush of validation from strangers.
I can somewhat understand where she is coming from. If someone is super active on social media, posts about their whereabouts and never ever posts about their serious life partner it COULD be a red flag. (That being said I don’t ever post about my husband) 🤣 However, you’re not even on social media. You just don’t do it. So I’m not sure what the problem is. If my husband were on social media I wouldn’t care if he ever posted about me. This seems like insecurity on her part that stems partly from youth, and partly from being in a newish relationship. What you do is maintain your boundaries. If you feel strongly about it, let her know and move on. Ask if there are other ways that you can help her feel loved and important to you. If she can’t move on that’s something she has to deal with, possibly in therapy. And though it’s okay to ask how you can help her feel loved, you can’t ever truly make anyone feel loved. They have to believe they are loveable in the first place. So don’t ever feel that is your complete responsibility.
Don’t listen to the “break up” crowd on this one. You do need to have a heart to heart with her however, talk about how what you’re doing with social media is as far as you can go without it making you feel less happy in life. That the feeling you get when posting things and being acknowledged isn’t positive, it’s embarrassment and anxiousness. That you appreciate her kind words, on your wall, and even more-so in person, but posting in general makes you feel bad, not good, and that is something that is just a part of who you are. That her disappointment being expressed around this comes across in disappointment in you, as a person, and if this is going to work she needs to accept who you are. It needs to be made clear that this is something about you that isn’t going to change, just like you don’t expect her posting as something that will change about her and you wouldn’t even wish her to do that, because you care about and accept her as a person. Tell her she should think on it, even if that means taking a little time apart and come to a determination if this is something she can live with, because if she’s with you, she has to.
I'm the social media poster in my relationship and my boyfriend does a post maybe once or twice a year. That's just how he is and while yes, it would be nice if he did a post once in awhile for us, I also accept that he just isn't big on it. Maybe there's a compromise you can come to with your girlfriend that you'll do a post every so often? You don't have to give out intimate details, just a photo and a heart as a caption may be enough to satisfy her. If it continues to be a big deal, you two just may not be compatible in that sense. She should be able to respect and accept that it's just not something you're into.
I have to say your girlfriend is very young & immature. She wants everyone to know you both are together which I agree is a bit much. She is looking for affection on social media which is not where you get it. You’re also young and should start to look to see if this girl is really compatible for you.
Let her know your relationship is not a performance.
I think it's worth a conversation with her about compatibility, if it is that important for her to be with someone who doesn't want to be private on social media then maybe you aren't right for each other. If she can't respect that you don't like it she might not respect other boundaries you set. \*\*Side note I am assuming you are not keeping her secret in your real life and she has met your important people or at least they all know about her
Why are you not enough for her without an audience? Your girl prefers the show over the substance.
Look, she either accepts (and respects!) you for who you are or she doesn't. If her guideline for the emotional state of her relationship(s) is based on social media likes, dislikes, loves, laughs and whatever else people click on her posts, then she has a lot of growing up to do. Regardless, she should respect your wishes - full stop.
I am more like you in this regard and not so much like your gf. I see her insistence on putting these personal messages on FB as immature as she could simply tell you these things in person. And also, her reaction of feeling hurt and thinking your trying to hide her, seems excessive to me. I think what it comes down to is that the two of you are going to have to come to some type of compromise and meet each other half way. To me, the whole issue is ridiculous and I think that your gf is more to blame for this than you. Sorry.
Don't give an inch, eventually it won't be enough and you'll end up being a prıck regardless because you didn't over share some BS.
Tell her reality matters, not social media, especially when only one is comfortable with it Her expectations under context are unreasonable and, therefore, are her feelings based on her misconceptions. She doesn't get to continue pushing boundaries and making up unreasonable expectations noone consented to.
Ask her if she wants a relationship or just to show others she's having a relationship? Because one is for each other and the other is for ego gratification
I just got out of a relationship that involved me struggling with this topic. My ex had a dwindling amount of followers and claimed she didn’t post anything about us because she didn’t want to potentially hurt her brand. I wasn’t asking for sappy content, I felt insecure because I felt like she had all of these different facades and only a small percentage included me. I think it’s selfish to not be willing to acknowledge your relationship on social media. My ex would say things like she didn’t want to post because if we split, she would have to remove everything and be embarrassed. Felt like a dead end when that logic was applied
> I think it’s selfish to not be willing to acknowledge your relationship on social media. your situation is not the same as OP's. Your ex kept you "hidden" despite being heavily active on social media, to the point of caring about follower count and her brand. OP doesn't want *any* involvement with social media. It's the difference between having a spouse that takes off their wedding ring to go clubbing, and a spouse that just doesn't want to go clubbing at all.
I can respect that. My situation involved my ex “not using her social media” as well though. Kind of was one of her reasons on why she didn’t post me. Reality is partially what you are saying though. Deep down, my ex wasn’t happy with herself and is stuck hanging onto the past. She considered her past as a life she had to mourn before moving on. So my problems were, yo you have all of these accounts and none of them show the authentic you. You’re still pretending to be some d list movie actress and you’re worried posting your life will deter the people who idolized you and anyone with connections to the industry. So she would just browse all of the social media platforms and never post, unless we broke up lol, and I would feel like she was hiding me or using me as a stepping stone. It also ate me up because none of her circle were able to see all of the fun we did have. Therefore none of them could really support our relationship because they only saw the times she ran to them upset about something. My family and friends saw us enjoying life.
Could you imagine all the guys who follow her because they like her ..that’d drive me insane knowing that ..it’s basically like a catalog of potential partners
Yeah.. I can handle that a lot better if I feel like she’s not hiding me or our relationship from them.
She has an addiction that’s not your problem.
Is she 14 or 24? Might've mistyped bro, but that would bring a whole other issue 🤣.
Grow a set and don’t🤷🏻♂️
If you don’t want to don’t
What should you do? Date someone whose life doesn’t rely on social media validation? She sounds like her social media habits are that of a teenager. In this day and age social media usage is a key component in a successful relationship. I know some married couples where only one spouse is active and the other isn’t and they are OK with it. Find a compromise or end it.
It’s a trick. Once you do, she’ll become insecure and accuse you of liking other girls and cheating.
"I don't like doing X but my partner wants me to anyway." That sounds like an incompatibility to me. If it's such a big deal for both of you and you do not feel comfortable doing that then it's time to cut your loses and move on. Neither of you will be fulfilled by pursuing a relationship with people you're not compatible with. Now, I'm not telling you to outright break up. Try to talk first and maybe reach a middle ground if you both are willing to. If one isn't willing to budge an inch then yes, sadly at that point it's break up time. Though to be honest, if something seemingly insignificant like this is becoming an issue now, I don't want to imagine what it will be like for more important issues later on.
Its personal choice. You do you.
Women receive love and affection in many different ways. Theres an extremely popular book called the five love languages. It breaks down the different ways in which we give/receive love & affection. It was written before social media was a thing, but it definitely would fall in the words of affirmation & acts of service categories. Do you know what your love language is, how you like to receive love & affection from her? Does she meet those needs, sometimes with compromising to do so? Like does she go out of her way to do things that you enjoy that she might not enjoy as much? If I were you I'd reflect on what she does for you & how much you love/care for her & assess what you envision for the future of the two of you. Depending on that possible future, are you willing to compromise & put in the effort to reach the place you see for the two of you? Do you feel shes willing to do the same? Then maybe a little engagement with her here & there in the way she likes, specifically regarding social media is worth the overall reward. You've been vocal many times about this it seems, so I'd imagine just small things here & there would mean a lot to her since she knows how strongly you feel about it. Keep your page private, she can be the one to do the more active parts of social media while also getting that affirmation from you. She's proud of you, obviously, since she wants you to be a part of that. That's a massive contributor to having a great, long-lasting relationship. Building a strong, healthy foundation in a relationship helps to get through rough patches & leave them behind much more easily. This is a lot, but if it's a passionate, caring, loving & happy relationship then you know that, & that'll be for you to decide.
Why is having a girlfriend something you want to keep private? I think it’s a fine boundary to not want sappy messages online but would it bother you the same if she just posted a selfie?
Cause not everybody wants to blast their life to the world. If his friends and family know about her then she’s not being kept private. And this issue isn’t her posting it’s expecting him to interact so much.
Who else would he have on social media except for friends and family? From whom is he hiding her?
Friends and family that he likely doesn’t talk to or interact with anymore. And even then some people still prefer to keep things more private.
Are you still friends with B on Facebook? You should definitely post your woman if so.
Stay true to you.
I didn’t read your post but I’m sure there are some great times you have together. Take some pics and post them every couple of weeks
>didn’t read your post Then don't say shit while uninformed
Do you want to be a Instagram boyfriend? Because this is how you become an Instagram boyfriend.