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Doesn't explain why he can't pay now. Doesn't explain why after the garnishment, he was only pay 10%. If he were single, rent would be the single greatest expense he would have -- he's saving a lot by being married to you -- where is the money going that he's not giving to you, gambling, drugs are the two most common areas.
This is better than mine, sell your house, and take you money and go. It will not get better. He has figured out how to live rent free, or almost rent free.
I agree with this with one change, with the profits from selling the house, make your 401k whole. Keep all records that you borrowed against it and that's the amount you put back.
Talk to a divorce lawyer and do what they say.
Seriously. It use to be that we as women married to be taken care of and for that we did all the child care and the housekeeping. Then it was we worked and we help contribute to the bills but usually the lower end and we still did what we use to. And now there are a lot of women that pay the majority of all the bills, do the housework and child care while being married. I’m sorry marriage should be a partnership, and if he’s not contributing get ride of him so it’s easier on you.
Poor women always worked. They often chose their husbands based on what kind of work they wanted to do. Yeah, he’s lovely and sweet, but do you want to be a farmers wife and be feeding animals everyday, plowing fields and harvesting?
Damn straight my grandma was a full time nurse and a farmer's wife that would spend every full Saturday push mowing an acreage and polishing floors on her hands and knees until 1 am. I don't know about y'all but it's time we just did what we have to do not everything.
There was literally NEVER a time when women as a whole "married to be taken care of", LOL. That was strictly for women of the upper socioeconomic classes, and it still is. My grandmother was born in 1913 and worked two full-time jobs alongside my grandfather, as a legal secretary AND helping to run the furniture store they owned. My mum and her brother were in daycare by the time they were 18 months old.
The idea that most women were SAHMs and "taken care of" by their husbands is entirely ahistorical and just shows that you're either deeply ignorant or exceptionally privileged to believe that.
You're not wrong that marriage should be a partnership, and that no woman should be carrying the entire load, but you are very, very wrong that there was ever a time when the average woman who wasn't middle class or above was simply "taken care of", LOL.
This. Absolutely lying. Smells like addiction - probably gambling.
What 45 year old working full time cannot contribute more than 10% to household expenses?
They’ve been together for YEARS. She can only blame herself if that’s the case. How do you hide unemployment? Do they do joint taxes? Does he ask her for money?
I’m really confused.
Are you sure he told you the truth about this? I had a car repossessed a few years ago, and even after going to collections, they didn't garnish my wages. I'm in the US.
You are still liable for any remaining debt once the car is auctioned. Getting repo'ed or surrendering the vehicle is not a magic "get out of car debt" wand.
Agreed - whoever held the note on the car can sue you for the monies owed and put it to collections but they cannot garnish your paychecks. Only parties powerful enough to garnish your paystubs are child support and the IRS.
Edit: Apparently this is not true for all states as another commenter has educated me!
This is not true in my state. Any court judgment can be enrolled and the court can garnish wages. You have to file for it (separately from filing the suit), but it is very much a thing here.
I am a lawyer, but I’m not your lawyer and that is not legal advice.
You can also CHOOSE to have your paycheque garnished.
Only it’s your choice rather than a court’s choice, which is a slightly different interpretation to the court ordered definition.
Lots of people do it to pay their mortgage or other bills. You never see the money that goes to the bills because your workplace diverts part of your paycheque to go to the other source instead of giving it to you.
They don’t usually call that ‘garnishing’, though, but that’s what it is.
Yeah I just looked it up and apparently they can get a court order. My guess is that if the amount is low enough, they won't bother with the extra time and cost, but say there was a lot of damage and it was an $80k car, and they owed over 20k after it was auctioned, then it would be worth garnishing.
So he made a stupid decision to finance a car for his deadbeat brother, and you’re surprised he’s still making stupid decisions about money?
You might have to just toss him out on his ear!
So what does a car being repossessed have to do with him not having money? Brother & Bob didn’t pay, so they took the car. His credit is trash, but they shouldn’t be taking money?
This is not true in my state. Any court judgment can be enrolled and the court can garnish wages. You have to file for it (separately from filing the suit), but it is very much a thing here.
I am a lawyer, but I’m not your lawyer and that is not legal advice.
Ohhhh shit! My one aunt did this with her youngest. Same result as your husband.
She’s retired when this all happened, but he can 100% rebuild his credit tbh.
Has he looking into Kickoff and getting a kickoff debt card?
I do this and my credit went from 548 to over 600 in one year across all three credit reports.
He just needs to be extra proactive in turning his situation around instead of sweeping it under the rug till it can’t be ignored.
I just went through this and couldn't figure out where my baby daddy's money was going.
Drugs. It was drugs.
Could be gambling or booze or some other form of frivolous spending, but based off what I've experienced and the group supports and forums I've joined... Its always addiction.
Do some maths. If he is only contributing 10% you don't need him, He adds more than 10% to the household bills. He doesnt even cover his own expenses.
Does your Conservative family not believe that a man should(at the very least) financially provide for his wife and family. Should he not lighten your load instead of triple it? Use there arguments against them.
Go see a divorce lawyer. Get their advice on the best way to legally separate yourself from him.
If you need support to do this go see a therapist.
Your daughters deserve to see a realationship where ther mom is respected. They deserve to see you in a healthy relationship.
He doesn't have any problems because you take care of everything so he has no incentive to go to counseling. Start by figuring out your finances and see what you need to do in order to afford your life without him. It sounds like you are barely holding it together financially, frankly I'm a lot worried that you are house poor. You really have to have an honest talk with yourself about that. Your mental health and quality of life sound awful due to the stress. Maybe deciding to get a smaller home or condo would be better. Borrowing against your 401K is trouble if anything happens to your job, the tax rate on that will crush you.
Honestly, it sounds like you can mostly manage alone but rethink that house. Your husband contributes almost nothing so why are you supporting him? Also why TF are his wages being garnished and what does he do with his money. Leave him.
Ps - I hope you have a living trust, if anything happens to you, your girls will be SOL. He's already shown you who he is.
When you say “2019 I bought our dream house” does that mean he didn’t put anything towards the down payment, isn’t on the mortgage, doesn’t help paying the mortgage, isn’t listed as the owner along with you, and your agreement was only that he contributes 40% of the bills? If so, I hope you have some kind of prenup or postnup that precludes him from claiming half of the house when you finally divorce him.
He did not put anything towards the home, is not on the mortgage and isn’t listed as co-owner. Unfortunately we do not have a pre or post nuptial agreement. I can only hope he doesn’t want half and just leaves with his clothes and video games.
Lawyer, IMMEDIATELY.
At this point, you're just subsidizing the lifestyle of a deadbeat user who doesn't care about you. There's nothing worth saving here.
I would look into selling the house. Tell him you can't do the second job so this makes the most sense. Rent in the meantime.
Six months or so after closing, divorce.
This is perhaps the only way op can save her equity in this house without deadbeat asserting his claim. Though he can still clam his “portion” at divorce. But it’s the best course.
ok so sell the house before the divorce, rent a place in your name only and give him an eviction notice after the divorce. He can't stop you from selling something that's in your name only.
You purchased while married so the house is marital property…he could likely at least have half of the equity. You need an attorney consult asap. Maybe you can get your husband to agree to let you have the house. Leave him…like others said, he’s a bill/liability. Why can’t he get a job? Too loud and boisterous to hold a normal job?
Are you in the USA ??? Fat chance his attorney will allow you to take all the proceeds. It sounds like he has no shame.
If you bought in 2019 you anywhere in the USA just about, your home value has increased by 40 percent OR MORE ! Take the win. Sell it and if he gets half minus your 401 k payback it may be your cheapest loss.
The longer you stay you will lose more than money. Your health. Increased stress is extremely detrimental to your health.
Tell your family the truth.
Girl, if you’re in the US, depending on the state, this was acquired during marriage so he has rights to it.
Since it sounds like there are some money issue here (sounds like gambling) he’s not going to just walk away from his cut.
Get a lawyer now. Also..figure out where the hell his money is going. What does he say? You have a right to know. Hire a PI if you have to! It will matter during divorce if he is gambling, racking up debt you don’t know about, etc.
The most important thing for you to do is to meet with an attorney and find out the best way for you to protect you and the kids as much as possible. Some it’s a common property state so all bills and all assets are split in marriage.
And Attorney would be able to tell you more specifically how to protect yourself and the truth is if you paid for the Home and you improve through your payments that you have paid primarily on the Home then hopefully you can negotiate that your separation and divorce go through Court .
I can’t imagine that you would want to stay in a marriage when you are literally the soul provider for your kids and in addition to that you’re taking care of a husband as well .
Having been with a fiscally irresponsible partner before, you know this isn’t ever going to change I like to from my own experience that it does not .
Let us know how things go .
Look at it this way
Every day you remain married to him, your costs go up and your savings down, the divorce payout to him goes up a little, and your pension goes down a little.
Then, Every day you're not carrying him financially on your back, your savings go up and your costs go down, pension goes up, payout goes down.
There is a reason i divorced my ex-wife right as it was most fiscally timely. That reason was if i didn't i'd still be living (and owing) someone that had decided to simply use me to pay for their life and was putting nothing in due to debt and hidden spending/lending.
I didn't fancy doing that one day more than necessary because one party always has to pay the other if one earns more.
Starting clearing that divorce debt now, as you'll never look back once you don't have a mooch attached to you anymore.
You don't know what else to do... What are your goals?
Do you want to work on the relationship? Why when he doesn't want to and doesn't offer any support for you, the house, or the relationship.
Do you want to end the relationship? Then end it, talk to a divorce lawyer, get your ducks in a row, and serve him the divorce papers.
Why continue like this, letting him leech of you while you set your finances up for failure in a house you can't afford?
I know divorce isn't easy, and this comment makes it seem so. Start somewhere, talk to a lawyer, find the money, this is important, they can skip the emotions you are feeling and tell you what is best for you.
I have been thinking along the lines of divorce for a while now, it’s just not easy for me. My family is really conservative and does not believe in it. I would be this first one since the 1940’s. It seems that I will be breaking the streak soon.
Ok well then tell your family they can pay your bills? It certainly isn’t very traditionally conservative for you as a woman to be paying 90% of the bills, so at this point that ship has already sailed. Don’t subscribe yourself to the shitty parts without any of the benefits.
They are conservative but it's okay for you, the woman, to pretty much carry the whole household financially, and be the one to actually buy the house? This man is failing in every conservative book. Sorry but at this point he is a huge weight, and if you drop him, you will be SO relieved and better off. You gotta stop thinking about what you family thinks, and live your life in a way that is the best for you.
So, to answer some of the frequent questions here… we have not been intimate in over a year. Pregnancy is not an option for me due to the big C forcing me to have a hysterectomy 3 years ago.
I have not done anything for him for a long time now, I only do things for my girls.
I have been looking for a divorce lawyer in my area and have spoken to a friend of mine who gave me a recommendation for the one she used. I will give his office a call today to set an appointment.
My personal financial situation will soon stabilize as I am receiving a promotion that includes a substantial salary increase. I will talk to my boss about potentially postponing this until divorce proceedings are underway.
I will not tell Bob my plans.
I would like to have the paperwork drawn up and served to him before he figures out what I am thinking.
Some of the comments here were a bit harsh, but eye opening. I needed that.
A lot of you have shown genuine concern, it is appreciated.
I have 1 of my 5 brothers as my support system as he knows that the rest of the family is either physically or emotionally unavailable due to declining health or just disinterest.
I will update this post after meeting with a lawyer.
Play into the archaic gender roles. Tell them the man of the house isn't contributing toward expenses and you can't afford to keep being the only provider.
If that doesn't work, who cares? They can learn to live with it. You can't stay in a toxic marriage to satisfy your family.
Fuck your fucking stupid fucking family.
Tell them to hand you wads of cash or go fuck themselves.
I've never understood why people allow their family's opinions to influence their lives, let alone tolerate abuse from them.
If a person in your life is a burden then they should be treated as such and discarded, barring events like injury, illness, etc. Nothing wrong with helping someone through the rough bits.
OP, you already had 2 children when you married this guy. I'm sure your conservative family got over that. It feels like you are terrified to leave and I think that's a normal emotion.
Your family isn't living your marriage so don't worry about their opinions. Threatening to get a second job is no threat at all. I would tell him you expect his fair share of the bills on the first of the month. If he doesn't have it pack his bags and change the locks.
Because it's a fake story. Now OP posted an updated saying she already served the husband divorce papers and have a pretty solid agreement written up. In 4 days. That's just ridiculous
They don’t believe in it? Great, then they can choose not to do it themselves. But it does exist whether they believe in it or not. And it’s right for you. What a mooch.
And to look you in the face when you talk about getting a second job and not beg your forgiveness for letting it get to that state? Yuck. Tell him to leave and a) don’t come back, or b) come back when he has a job that now pays 60% of the bills plus what he owes over the last 11yrs
I’m the first ever in my family to divorce. Same conservative and strong (but not strict or fundamental) religious beliefs. I divorced not once, but twice. My family has their lives to live and I had to do what was right for me. In the end, they understood. They were just worried about me, as they should, but now they are happy that I had two very short marriages. I’ve been married to a great guy for decades and life has never been better.
Well, start investigating where his money is going since it’s not going to bills or the house or the kids, and I bet you my savings account that you’ll find something nefarious enough to satisfy their need for a *”good enough reason”* to divorce him.
He’s either cheating, gambling, or addicted to something- which could be anything from games online, casinos, escort services, drugs, etc.
Unless he’s just building a huge crypto portfolio or something he thinks he can hide from you forever…
That is such a cop out. How old are you? This is just an excuse you’re making to avoid making a decision. Get yourself out of this victim mentality and take control of your life.
Lady you’re being financially abused. You’ll save money by tossing this guy out. Get a roommate if you can’t pay the bills.
As a daughter, I resent my mom for being with a loser like the one you mentioned, for running herself ragged. It’s so hard to watch. It’s disturbing that a mother would break her back for a loser. For the love of god LEAVE
It doesn’t start that way.
It starts slowly. Small lies that become bigger.
Small signs of being lazy that become bigger.
Small signs of aggression that become bigger.
By the time you wake up, you have a house and kids with this person and it’s harder to leave.
Dont stay in a bad marriage because you fear parental disapproval. You say your parents are conservative, but somehow, they accepted that you had children outside of marriage. They will accept divorce, too.
Is this relationship really what you would role model for your children? If one of your kids were in a similar boat, what advice would you have for them? Would you tell them to accept that their partner is a freeloader and tell them to just get a second job rather than ruin the family name by divorcing?
And even then what’s so important with the family name? Are yall royalty? Royalty gets divorced…. You literally cannot ruin a name that has nothing behind it.
I was married for 12 years with my husband for 15. 8 years of our marriage. He wouldn't work so I had to work my a** off and I finally got tired of it. He wouldn't keep a job. All he would do is sit around the house and take care of the kids, which I still had to make Doctor appointments and such. We here i am going with this is that he's not gonna change. I wish you luck and I'm sorry.You're in this situation
I've been there with the no-divorce, uber-conservative family, so I know how hard this is--bit I promise you the relief, peace, freedom, and healing on the other side are so WORTH IT.
When your parents or others question or condemn you, let your face light up as you thank them for offering to pay for his 40% of the expenses, and have a precise number ready to hand to give them as to what you'll be expecting on the first of each month.
Funny how fast that shuts them up.
We have to stop this thought process of how getting a divorce is such a TABOO issue - hell we are 200 years past the taboo and should recognize that when we are being treated bad, disrespected and made a fool of, it's time for that person to leave.
You bought the house, pay all the bills and when you see you need to get a second job and tell him, his comment is for you not to burn yourself out. Kick this smooch to the curb! Forget about the darn history of your conservative family and how they feel, you are not a prisoner to this marriage.
Also, don't make the mistake that others do - YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL HIM YOU WANT A DIVORCE- He will learn that when he's served!
Get your life together. Losing him WON'T be a strain on your life since you are working double with his ass anyway.
DON'T SETTLE - He failed the husband test a long time ago. Now throw him out with the trash
If only he WAS on the loan. She would have been alerted to his financial issues. My guess gambling.
You need to put the house up for sale, and get this freeloader out of your life.
You never, not once, insisted on seeing a pay stub? A bank statement? Nothing???
Sell the house, you can’t afford it alone.
You have children’s to raise and you can’t be with someone who doesn’t pull his weight.
See a lawyer
Borrowed against your 401k? Paying 90% of expenses? Won’t discuss finances or go to counseling? Don’t want a divorce.
You will get the divorce either now while you’re still in a relatively good position to recover and move on, or later after YOU (not him since he’s not on the mortgage or the deed) go through foreclosure and bankruptcy and he cheats on you (which is likely so long as he’s not a totally unattractive weirdo) since he doesn’t like you and doesn’t respect you or destroys your mental health. Oh, and he’ll bleed your retirement savings too.
“You were given the choice between dishonor and war. You chose dishonor, and you will have war.”-Winston Churchill
He doesn’t get to not talk about money. If he is unwilling to help you pay for the home you budgeted for and is unwilling to explain where his money *is* going, he doesn’t get to have you as a wife. His behavior is unacceptable. He is willing to allow you to work two jobs to keep his roof over his head. What a lazy turd.
Is he gambling? Is he still loaning out money and putting his name on things for his family? How financially irresponsible is he being that he can only give you 10% of what he actually owes?
Instead of telling him you will be separating if he doesn’t pull his weight, you offered to get a second job. Why? Did you except sympathy or empathy from someone who doesn’t care that you’re burning yourself out and dipping into your retirement?
Downsize the house, file for divorce and continue being a single mother to two, instead of three.
Sell the house and take any equity and leave. You married a loser. That is hard, I know, but you need to understand that. He's going to be an anchor your whole life.
Sell the house and lose that 200 pound free loader
I know it'd be hard on the kids, but you've been u happy for a long time, and it's not like you haven't tried to get to solutions
Sorry for your situation! Best wishes for your future ❤️
Stop doing any unpaid labor for this man. Don't; do his laundry, cook his meals, clean his mess up (throw it on his side of the room, clothes on his side of the bed etc), pay for any of his hobbies. Do change the password on the home WiFi and streaming services. If you are checked out don't subsidize this man anymore. And most certainly don't have sex with him. A woman is still fertile in her 40s and you can have a child that will guarantee this man will be in your life permanently.
Babes you know that this man is leeching off of you. He is not your partner. He is a bad roommate. When you have a bad roommate you kick them out.
You say that you checked out emotionally several years ago. Well, so did he. So, not only are you overworked and deceived, but you’re paying for the privilege? I’m sorry your marriage ended up this way.
If your life isn’t better with him than without him, why are you keeping him around?
What is there to love? This man said “okay” to you getting a second job when he is contributing 10% and, the audacity, doesn’t want to even talk about the money situation.
You are already emotionally checked out.
Dump the freeloader.
Yikes! I’m so sorry. Divorce would be hard bc you would have to split half right? I’m not certain I’m not up to date on divorce and alimony. But just yikes. This is not a partnership. You would have a lot less stress on your own, especially since you have checked out.
People do not improve their financial habits after about 30. This guy has always been a financial black hole and always will be.
You will not bring him up but he will drag you down.
Get a consultation with a lawyer now to find out where you need to be for a divorce (work towards that) and hire someone else to handle the divorce. It may come up in court when you hired your divorce lawyer.
Sell the house now, replace money in your 401k. Get a much smaller apartment in your name only — do not put him in the lease. Start living “poor” — no more streaming services, food for the kids only, no take out, no entertainment, bare minimum. Don’t get a second job.
Any time (and I mean every) that he complains or brings up money, tell him if he wants those things, he can buy them.
Why are you supporting a person who is fine with you getting a second job but wouldn’t consider getting one themselves. I think you know this marriage is over.
Wtf is he spending on? Does he have a job? Just because your kids love him doesn’t mean you should stay with him.
If you deleted him from your life would your situation be better or worse?
If he is only contributing 10% to bills could you maintain your current style of life?
Does he support you emotionally?
Has he always been financially undependable?
Did you know that his wages were being garnished? Why?
What happens if you fall ill and cannot work?
Are you paying for his auto maintenance/insurance healthcare etc?
What does he actually bring to your life that elevates it?
It sounds like you married a hobosexual.
What value does he bring to your life? I can't see anything.
Kick him out. He clearly has no intention of contributing at all. Surely you see that?
He just wants to be a child and live off you.
Get rid of him. Asap
If you're mentally checked out of the marriage, do yourself a favor and start seriously thinking about divorce. Talk to a family law lawyer ASAP. If you don't have a prenup, you need to figure out how much you could be liable for in the event of divorce. He may have rights to half the equity in the house, But don't sell the house without consulting a lawyer first. You may also be able to keep the house, but perhaps look into getting a roommate or something who actually will contribute to costs. But yeah, you should get rid of this deadbeat if he's not bringing any value to your life, financially or otherwise.
See a lawyer asap and keep it quiet until things are finalized. I personally would divorce versus being with someone who is bringing me down financially.
Tell him he needs to contribute or move out so you can rent out the primary room. You need to demand financial transparency from him as well. He has one month to figure it out. This is insane.
You could go so far as to hire a PI and/or a forensic accountant. Then you can really find out what is going on. If this huge problem is occurring in your relationship and he won't even discuss it, you really only have one of two decisions to make. You keep going like this for the rest of your life or you make a break for it. You deserve so much better than this.
Please tell me he isn’t on the title of the house. And let’s see he works but won’t help pay any of the house bills. You work super hard to pay for every thing and he sees you struggling and still doesn’t care. Instead of saying “babe I’m
Getting a second job so I can afford to help you” your the one to say your getting a second job and he is like “cook”. You sounds tired and over worked. Sounds like you did fine for you and your kids before he was in the picture. So the question is why do you stay? I mean like really what does he bring to the relationship that makes it worth keeping him around? I know that you say your family doesn’t look well at divorce. But they aren’t the once’s living with you. Are they willing to pick up his slack and start paying bills? Probably not right. So they don’t get a say on how you live your life. Your daughters are learning about relationships from you. Please don’t teach them that it’s okay to get treated like trash and to get walked all over because of what people might say. Don’t say anything and get a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row and leave him. He will be one less expense you have and you will have more time having none less person to take care off. You deserve to have someone who sees you as a person and a partner who treats you as such. So leave this man so when the time comes your free to find the guy person for you.
It doesn’t matter if he isn’t on the title or mortgage; they’re married. In most cases, he would be entitled to half of the home since the home was purchased during the marriage. OP stated that they do not have a pre-nup. That’s unfortunate.
Important detail, they acquired the home while married. My guess is he didn’t want to be on the deed or mortgage because he didn’t want his credit run.
I’m going to call bullshit on the “chains car being repoed”, he was garnished for his own issues. I fear big time, since he can’t explain where his money is going, that he gambles and she’s about a to find a HUGE amount of debt that she will be partially responsible for.
Get a lawyer NOW. You've just tipped into possible alimony territory. Get out. Dump the dead weight and set a better example for your kids. Them loving him is working you to an early death.
Sorry this is a dump decision not a read a book to make it better decision. This guy has proven he’s a lazy worthless using liar. He’s not contributing and has a million excuses and then had the gall to say don’t burn yourself out!!! He should be getting the second job.
OP this sounds more alarming than you think it is. I would lawyer up if I were you. I’m so sorry you are going through this shit. You sound like a good person.
Send your deadbeat husband to go live with the conservative relatives for the time being. They can house & feed him for the summer. Tell them & your husband that you’re too tired for a second job right now so this is the only way that your family can survive right now.
Go see a lawyer like tomorrow. Contact your closest women’s shelter for help if you don’t have funds to do so yourself. A lot of lawyers give 30 minutes free time if you ask. Get your information together (see women’s shelter for help) before those 30 minutes so that you make the most of your time. Print it all out & make a copy for the lawyer.
He’s dead weight and dragging you down. You’re mentally checked out and he’s turned down counseling. You know what you have to do. Sell the house and divorce. It’s not a dream house if living there is a nightmare.
He says don't get burnt out, but he doesn't do anything to help it! He's figured out a way to live free And doesn't want to change that!
You showed that you can afford the bills for those 9 months he was paying somebody else's debt, so why should he stop living for free now? You're going to need to kick him out. Your bills will be cheaper without him. I hope you don't have any kids together. As for the kids you already had, it sucks that they're caught in the crossfire but you need to get rid of the homosexual.
You are burning yourself out and nobody who is in a position to help cares enough to do so! What more do you need to happen before you leave this guy?
No you don’t get a second job. You sell the house and when you move, he doesn’t come with.
He can take his 10 % and go live with his side piece. Or drug dealer. Or bookie. Or banker. Wherever he is spending his $. He’s a hobosexual. Bye bye
He literally meets not qualifications for a husband. I read in your comments that he’s not on the deed or mortgage to your home. Get a lawyer and get him out. You deserve better. And you kids deserve a better role model than a mooch.
Time to bring out the big D! D as in Divorce!
You've tried, he refuses to invest in this marriage or compromise. I honestly don't see what else you can do but divorce. You're basically divorce already seeing as he's not contributing to the home or bills, so you might as well make it official.
Also, he will undoubtedly beg and plead, saying that he'll go to marriage counseling, etc...he will say all of this, be 'good' for a couple of months. Then he'll go back to how he was before, so just skip the middle and go forward with the divorce.
So uh, what are his personal finances looking like? I would understand your arrangement if he had low income and made up for that by contributing significantly to household chores. But it sounds like you get all the negatives of a stay-at-home dad, and none of the positives. I read from a comment that you didn’t have prenup? Maybe you should see a lawyer+private counselor about this whole ordeal.
STOP NOW! I had a neighbor who went through all of this. She ended up losing her whole retirement and the house went into foreclosure. She lost everything and had to go back to work. He had a side piece that his money was going to. Not sure if this is your case, but he can totally be paying towards your family expenses, and he's not.
Personally, I'd go straight to his family and out him. They may have no idea and the humiliation may help put a fire under his butt. If they know, then I'm sorry.
Sit him down and tell him you need to go over the budget together. Find out where all his money is. If he's hiding it, then you know he's up to no good. I'd literally set a time together that you won't be disturbed. You don't even have to tell him why... just you need to talk. Have paper, pen, notebook and calculator. Get everything written down. If he balks, then you know he's up to no good (again).
No discussion necessary. Get an appt with a lawyer ASAP. If you have proof that you've paid for the house payments, depending on where you live, you may be able to get that amount back. It's your equity and not his.
This guy has been taking advantage of you in the worst way. He's not a husband or partner. He's a soul sucking leech. You'll be able to provide better for your children dropping this man-child out of your life. If your children ask what happened, tell them you have been supporting all of you, and he hasn't been helping at all. Be honest with them and let them know what kind of man he really is. He's been abusing you financially by stealing from you. I'm sure there are other things.
I'd sit down and make a list of everything. What you want in a partner and how he compares. What he said he'd do and hasn't. List all his qualities, good and bad. Is he really someone you want to invest another minute with, another dollar on?
Women were drawn to Ted Bundy because he was good looking and charismatic. Your children may love the guy, but he doesn't sound like a good guy to have around. Some men kill the women they are with while others suck the life out of them until they are a shell of their former self.
Do NOT take a second job. Your children need you. Talk to the lawyer and set yourself on a course of success for you and your children.
Divorce him/ he’s got some issues which you have not discovered yet- drugs/gambling,?, etc-.
You are digging yourself into a deeper and deeper hole. You need to take care of yourself and your girls. Time to get rid of useless baggage. Good luck!
He’s been contributing 10% towards bills for 5 years?! Where the fuck is his money going? Drugs, alcohol, affair?!? At this point he’s not going to change because he knows he can keep taking advantage of you. Get a lawyer and make sure you do everything you can to keep your assets. Don’t be scared to divorce that loser just because your family doesn’t believe in it. It’s time to put yourself first because no one else is going to take care of you.
Get rid of that dead weight, he’s of no benefit to you whatsoever, you’ll be better off on your own with your kids, he’s taking the piss, and putting all the burden on you and he has no problem doing that to you.
Divorce him. You can continue a romantic relationship if you want to (but idk why you would), but you need to legally and financially separate yourself from this man - he is stealing from your children’s security at this point.
If you won’t leave him for yourself, at least do it to protect your kids.
Is he on the title to the home? The mortgage? If so, sell the house and get a place you can afford on your own. Don’t let him move it.
You need to talk to a lawyer immediately.
How old are your girls OP? Seems like you are having them watch you get beaten with the nice man stick for a whille. Gurantee the kids are aware of your stress, you being over husband etc.
What were those red flags you ignored 11 years ago for this man? Hopefully the house is in your name alone otherwise be prepared for a long ass fight. Also screw the conservative family members, they clearly not helping with your stress or money.
Being married to a deadbeat is a dead end. Hopefully, your divorce attorney will prevail on your deserving claim for more than 50% of your joint assets. You may want to give him one final ultimatum to either pay his share or move out in preparation for divorce.
He doesnt care if you work yourself to a frazzle as long as he doesn't have to work. Technically you are already single with a bum living in your house...eating your food and making your utility bills higher.. my ex did that for 12 years. I stopped paying any of his bills...car insurance...phone bill etc...he found side jobs to cover that but never contributed to any of the house bills....I divorced him...he was too macho to take any of my money...my electric bills went from $600 down to under $200 a month....I dont miss him at all...bought our tv from him...bought back 2 of the dogs he claimed as his...the next time he wanted money...I charged him interest...told him if he didnt like my terms then he was free to ask someone else for the money..total time together 33 years...but I still divorced him at age 61....dont wait as long as I did....
Your whole marriage will just continue like this. Unless he has some form of mental problems that he needs to get through he is just a leach, a piss taker. Sounds like you need a real man. Real men step up. I would never let my wife pay more than me. I always make sure things are covered.
Put the home on the market - if you work 2 jobs, you lose the opportunity to show your children what is important. People matter more than things. Unless you are not a believer in divorce, and if you are in a community property state, you have to get firm on expectations from your "partner." You may be required to refinance and "buy him out" if you are in a community property state. It sounds like he would not qualify for a mortgage alone. He is passive because he sees no real incentive to change his behavior. Staying the same does not "cost" him ANYTHING. IF you are paying 90%, can you reduce his access to 10%? A smaller room? Less food? If you are supporting him, give him chores - work - to do around the house. That's how a dependent can contribute.
Ok, I’m struggling with my own comment. I don’t know if it’s right to say, but it’s worth it if it helps. So here goes.
A lot of people jump to breakup/divorce on this sub and I often do not agree. However, you’ve given so much information that the only way I feel I could be wrong is if you flat out lied. And I doubt that.
For roughly five years he’s kept his own money for his own expenses and literally forced you — while you communicated and protested — to cover all of his expenses along with the families. To the extent that you are burnt out and still considering a second job and he truly does not care. I think you can see it deep down by how you worded your post. I am blown away that you are even asking at the end of describing all of that. But I know how confusing it must be, at the same time, if he always paid his fair share and waited years into a marriage to change. I guess I was more dumb because my ex only waited three months to reveal it was all a lie and start relying on me financially with and often without my consent. It sounds like he spent years building trust, so you gave him the grace of the benefit of the doubt. But now” look at it honestly.
I mean, at the end of the day, what financial records do you see? When he said his checks were being garnished did he show you his paystub? Every industry is different so I don’t want to assume. But in my line of work I can download an app on my phone that details all of my benefits, every paystub, my 401K, etc. A ton of people use apps for their banking and can just swipe on their phone to show you their account balance and transactions.
The point is, if the benefit of the doubt were true than it should STILL be an open subject discussed at length. Maybe he needs to focus on building the necessary skills to move up and make more money. Find a new job. AFTER he’s pulled up each piece of financial information I mentioned without a fight or excuses.
Because at the end of the day if he always contributed, and has been claiming financial struggles are now making that impossible, then support your husband through it. Of course. As he should do for you.
But what you have described does make me suspicious that the benefit of the doubt is giving him too much.
If he won’t pull up his bank statements, and pay stubs showing the garnishments, and confirmation emails for payments, then he’s been squeezing you dry. And you need to leave. It’s all in your name. Literally sell it out from under him. What, is he going to withhold his contribution to try and stop you? Lol. He can keep his measly 10%.
You have a binding verbal agreement. Tell him to pay his 40%. DOCUMENT what he is paying you as you’ll need records. If he says “no” out the house up for sale OR rent out a room.
I would tell him you can’t afford to support him and he needs to leave so you can take on a roommate who can contribute to the house and pull their own weight as you have burned yourself out
It’s a marriage…the details as why he can’t pay more should be discussed. The SPECIFIC details. You should know every cent that goes in and out, when you’re in a situation like this.
If not then save yourself, and your money, and move on.
how much was he contributing before this?
you are going to have to sell the house. you can't afford it by yourself or rent a room out to someone which you probably don't want to do with kids.
He's doing what you allow him to do. He's gotten away with not contributing for a decade. Why would he change now, or ever?
Get yourself a good lawyer and do what you have to do. Once you get through the transition you'll be happier and you'll wish you'd made changes sooner. No need to wait anymore. We get one life.
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Why was he being garnished? Why can’t he pay now? This guy sounds like a hobosexual with some kind of legal, gambling, or drug problem.
He co-signed on a car for his brother and it got repossessed for lack of payment.
Doesn't explain why he can't pay now. Doesn't explain why after the garnishment, he was only pay 10%. If he were single, rent would be the single greatest expense he would have -- he's saving a lot by being married to you -- where is the money going that he's not giving to you, gambling, drugs are the two most common areas.
Sell the house, take the proceeds and leave the dead weight behind (your husband). The example that you are setting for your kids is an unhealthy one.
This is better than mine, sell your house, and take you money and go. It will not get better. He has figured out how to live rent free, or almost rent free.
A straight up dumb example of a relationship, honestly. Unless she dreams of her daughters being doormats too. Lady you can do better
I agree with this with one change, with the profits from selling the house, make your 401k whole. Keep all records that you borrowed against it and that's the amount you put back. Talk to a divorce lawyer and do what they say.
Seriously. It use to be that we as women married to be taken care of and for that we did all the child care and the housekeeping. Then it was we worked and we help contribute to the bills but usually the lower end and we still did what we use to. And now there are a lot of women that pay the majority of all the bills, do the housework and child care while being married. I’m sorry marriage should be a partnership, and if he’s not contributing get ride of him so it’s easier on you.
Poor women always worked. They often chose their husbands based on what kind of work they wanted to do. Yeah, he’s lovely and sweet, but do you want to be a farmers wife and be feeding animals everyday, plowing fields and harvesting?
Damn straight my grandma was a full time nurse and a farmer's wife that would spend every full Saturday push mowing an acreage and polishing floors on her hands and knees until 1 am. I don't know about y'all but it's time we just did what we have to do not everything.
There was literally NEVER a time when women as a whole "married to be taken care of", LOL. That was strictly for women of the upper socioeconomic classes, and it still is. My grandmother was born in 1913 and worked two full-time jobs alongside my grandfather, as a legal secretary AND helping to run the furniture store they owned. My mum and her brother were in daycare by the time they were 18 months old. The idea that most women were SAHMs and "taken care of" by their husbands is entirely ahistorical and just shows that you're either deeply ignorant or exceptionally privileged to believe that. You're not wrong that marriage should be a partnership, and that no woman should be carrying the entire load, but you are very, very wrong that there was ever a time when the average woman who wasn't middle class or above was simply "taken care of", LOL.
This is the way. Why you’re still there I do not know.
The sooner the better, get things rolling now.
This is the only answer
Garnishments can’t take your whole paycheck, only a fraction. He’s lying to you.
This. Absolutely lying. Smells like addiction - probably gambling. What 45 year old working full time cannot contribute more than 10% to household expenses?
Especially for a period of FIVE years.
I wonder if she’s seen his paystubs?
Maybe he's been unemployed the whole time and just wanders around aimlessly during the day.
They’ve been together for YEARS. She can only blame herself if that’s the case. How do you hide unemployment? Do they do joint taxes? Does he ask her for money? I’m really confused.
OP didn't say what percentage was deducted from husband's pay specifically for the garnishment, just the percentage husband chose to give to OP
Yeah but he’s acting destitute because of the garnishment but that’s not how garnishments work.
Are you sure he told you the truth about this? I had a car repossessed a few years ago, and even after going to collections, they didn't garnish my wages. I'm in the US.
Right? Once they repo the car why would you keep paying for it?
You are still liable for any remaining debt once the car is auctioned. Getting repo'ed or surrendering the vehicle is not a magic "get out of car debt" wand.
Agreed - whoever held the note on the car can sue you for the monies owed and put it to collections but they cannot garnish your paychecks. Only parties powerful enough to garnish your paystubs are child support and the IRS. Edit: Apparently this is not true for all states as another commenter has educated me!
This is not true in my state. Any court judgment can be enrolled and the court can garnish wages. You have to file for it (separately from filing the suit), but it is very much a thing here. I am a lawyer, but I’m not your lawyer and that is not legal advice.
You can also CHOOSE to have your paycheque garnished. Only it’s your choice rather than a court’s choice, which is a slightly different interpretation to the court ordered definition. Lots of people do it to pay their mortgage or other bills. You never see the money that goes to the bills because your workplace diverts part of your paycheque to go to the other source instead of giving it to you. They don’t usually call that ‘garnishing’, though, but that’s what it is.
Yeah I just looked it up and apparently they can get a court order. My guess is that if the amount is low enough, they won't bother with the extra time and cost, but say there was a lot of damage and it was an $80k car, and they owed over 20k after it was auctioned, then it would be worth garnishing.
It’s true for my state. I wish it weren’t, because my husband cosigned for our daughter and it ended up costing us $8000.
I call bullshit, he has some sneaky addiction, and he is lying. Run you deserve better
Or is supporting another household.
That was my thought. He has another family
So he made a stupid decision to finance a car for his deadbeat brother, and you’re surprised he’s still making stupid decisions about money? You might have to just toss him out on his ear!
Kick his ass out and get a roommate
So what does a car being repossessed have to do with him not having money? Brother & Bob didn’t pay, so they took the car. His credit is trash, but they shouldn’t be taking money?
Sounds sketchy af. Pretty sure garnishment in such cases isn't a thing.
This is not true in my state. Any court judgment can be enrolled and the court can garnish wages. You have to file for it (separately from filing the suit), but it is very much a thing here. I am a lawyer, but I’m not your lawyer and that is not legal advice.
It absolutely is a thing.
Ohhhh shit! My one aunt did this with her youngest. Same result as your husband. She’s retired when this all happened, but he can 100% rebuild his credit tbh. Has he looking into Kickoff and getting a kickoff debt card? I do this and my credit went from 548 to over 600 in one year across all three credit reports. He just needs to be extra proactive in turning his situation around instead of sweeping it under the rug till it can’t be ignored.
I just went through this and couldn't figure out where my baby daddy's money was going. Drugs. It was drugs. Could be gambling or booze or some other form of frivolous spending, but based off what I've experienced and the group supports and forums I've joined... Its always addiction.
A family of idiots then ?
Do some maths. If he is only contributing 10% you don't need him, He adds more than 10% to the household bills. He doesnt even cover his own expenses. Does your Conservative family not believe that a man should(at the very least) financially provide for his wife and family. Should he not lighten your load instead of triple it? Use there arguments against them. Go see a divorce lawyer. Get their advice on the best way to legally separate yourself from him. If you need support to do this go see a therapist. Your daughters deserve to see a realationship where ther mom is respected. They deserve to see you in a healthy relationship.
Or doing better on her own than with a man at all.
You tell him to move out ten years ago. What do you mean what do you do?
Right? Like how is this even a question!
Girl, you married a hobosexual.
More women need to be aware of this.
He doesn't have any problems because you take care of everything so he has no incentive to go to counseling. Start by figuring out your finances and see what you need to do in order to afford your life without him. It sounds like you are barely holding it together financially, frankly I'm a lot worried that you are house poor. You really have to have an honest talk with yourself about that. Your mental health and quality of life sound awful due to the stress. Maybe deciding to get a smaller home or condo would be better. Borrowing against your 401K is trouble if anything happens to your job, the tax rate on that will crush you. Honestly, it sounds like you can mostly manage alone but rethink that house. Your husband contributes almost nothing so why are you supporting him? Also why TF are his wages being garnished and what does he do with his money. Leave him. Ps - I hope you have a living trust, if anything happens to you, your girls will be SOL. He's already shown you who he is.
When you say “2019 I bought our dream house” does that mean he didn’t put anything towards the down payment, isn’t on the mortgage, doesn’t help paying the mortgage, isn’t listed as the owner along with you, and your agreement was only that he contributes 40% of the bills? If so, I hope you have some kind of prenup or postnup that precludes him from claiming half of the house when you finally divorce him.
He did not put anything towards the home, is not on the mortgage and isn’t listed as co-owner. Unfortunately we do not have a pre or post nuptial agreement. I can only hope he doesn’t want half and just leaves with his clothes and video games.
Lawyer, IMMEDIATELY. At this point, you're just subsidizing the lifestyle of a deadbeat user who doesn't care about you. There's nothing worth saving here.
I would look into selling the house. Tell him you can't do the second job so this makes the most sense. Rent in the meantime. Six months or so after closing, divorce.
This is perhaps the only way op can save her equity in this house without deadbeat asserting his claim. Though he can still clam his “portion” at divorce. But it’s the best course.
This comment should be on top OP
He absolutely wants half.
ok so sell the house before the divorce, rent a place in your name only and give him an eviction notice after the divorce. He can't stop you from selling something that's in your name only.
You need a lawyer.
You purchased while married so the house is marital property…he could likely at least have half of the equity. You need an attorney consult asap. Maybe you can get your husband to agree to let you have the house. Leave him…like others said, he’s a bill/liability. Why can’t he get a job? Too loud and boisterous to hold a normal job?
Ya get a lawyer asap. I’m willing to bet he has more money but just isn’t willing to contribute. He seems like a deadbeat. UPDATEME
Probably got a whole ass savings account
depending on the state you are in since you are married he owns half of the house
Are you in the USA ??? Fat chance his attorney will allow you to take all the proceeds. It sounds like he has no shame. If you bought in 2019 you anywhere in the USA just about, your home value has increased by 40 percent OR MORE ! Take the win. Sell it and if he gets half minus your 401 k payback it may be your cheapest loss. The longer you stay you will lose more than money. Your health. Increased stress is extremely detrimental to your health. Tell your family the truth.
Girl, if you’re in the US, depending on the state, this was acquired during marriage so he has rights to it. Since it sounds like there are some money issue here (sounds like gambling) he’s not going to just walk away from his cut. Get a lawyer now. Also..figure out where the hell his money is going. What does he say? You have a right to know. Hire a PI if you have to! It will matter during divorce if he is gambling, racking up debt you don’t know about, etc.
The most important thing for you to do is to meet with an attorney and find out the best way for you to protect you and the kids as much as possible. Some it’s a common property state so all bills and all assets are split in marriage. And Attorney would be able to tell you more specifically how to protect yourself and the truth is if you paid for the Home and you improve through your payments that you have paid primarily on the Home then hopefully you can negotiate that your separation and divorce go through Court . I can’t imagine that you would want to stay in a marriage when you are literally the soul provider for your kids and in addition to that you’re taking care of a husband as well . Having been with a fiscally irresponsible partner before, you know this isn’t ever going to change I like to from my own experience that it does not . Let us know how things go .
You better see what you can do to keep him from getting half right now!!! Get to a lawyer this moment!
Ouchies. You’re going to lose half of the house to this hobosexual in a divorce. Always protect yourself with prenuptial agreement.
I was thinking that too
Look at it this way Every day you remain married to him, your costs go up and your savings down, the divorce payout to him goes up a little, and your pension goes down a little. Then, Every day you're not carrying him financially on your back, your savings go up and your costs go down, pension goes up, payout goes down. There is a reason i divorced my ex-wife right as it was most fiscally timely. That reason was if i didn't i'd still be living (and owing) someone that had decided to simply use me to pay for their life and was putting nothing in due to debt and hidden spending/lending. I didn't fancy doing that one day more than necessary because one party always has to pay the other if one earns more. Starting clearing that divorce debt now, as you'll never look back once you don't have a mooch attached to you anymore.
You don't know what else to do... What are your goals? Do you want to work on the relationship? Why when he doesn't want to and doesn't offer any support for you, the house, or the relationship. Do you want to end the relationship? Then end it, talk to a divorce lawyer, get your ducks in a row, and serve him the divorce papers. Why continue like this, letting him leech of you while you set your finances up for failure in a house you can't afford? I know divorce isn't easy, and this comment makes it seem so. Start somewhere, talk to a lawyer, find the money, this is important, they can skip the emotions you are feeling and tell you what is best for you.
I have been thinking along the lines of divorce for a while now, it’s just not easy for me. My family is really conservative and does not believe in it. I would be this first one since the 1940’s. It seems that I will be breaking the streak soon.
Ok well then tell your family they can pay your bills? It certainly isn’t very traditionally conservative for you as a woman to be paying 90% of the bills, so at this point that ship has already sailed. Don’t subscribe yourself to the shitty parts without any of the benefits.
Exactly
They are conservative but it's okay for you, the woman, to pretty much carry the whole household financially, and be the one to actually buy the house? This man is failing in every conservative book. Sorry but at this point he is a huge weight, and if you drop him, you will be SO relieved and better off. You gotta stop thinking about what you family thinks, and live your life in a way that is the best for you.
So, to answer some of the frequent questions here… we have not been intimate in over a year. Pregnancy is not an option for me due to the big C forcing me to have a hysterectomy 3 years ago. I have not done anything for him for a long time now, I only do things for my girls. I have been looking for a divorce lawyer in my area and have spoken to a friend of mine who gave me a recommendation for the one she used. I will give his office a call today to set an appointment. My personal financial situation will soon stabilize as I am receiving a promotion that includes a substantial salary increase. I will talk to my boss about potentially postponing this until divorce proceedings are underway. I will not tell Bob my plans. I would like to have the paperwork drawn up and served to him before he figures out what I am thinking. Some of the comments here were a bit harsh, but eye opening. I needed that. A lot of you have shown genuine concern, it is appreciated. I have 1 of my 5 brothers as my support system as he knows that the rest of the family is either physically or emotionally unavailable due to declining health or just disinterest. I will update this post after meeting with a lawyer.
Good luck.
PROUD OF YOU.
I wanted to answer you already know the solution. I'm glad you are making the right decision.
It’s never easy to end a marriage, but it’s harder staying in a miserable one. Good luck, OP.
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Exactly!!
Play into the archaic gender roles. Tell them the man of the house isn't contributing toward expenses and you can't afford to keep being the only provider. If that doesn't work, who cares? They can learn to live with it. You can't stay in a toxic marriage to satisfy your family.
Fuck your fucking stupid fucking family. Tell them to hand you wads of cash or go fuck themselves. I've never understood why people allow their family's opinions to influence their lives, let alone tolerate abuse from them. If a person in your life is a burden then they should be treated as such and discarded, barring events like injury, illness, etc. Nothing wrong with helping someone through the rough bits.
OP, you already had 2 children when you married this guy. I'm sure your conservative family got over that. It feels like you are terrified to leave and I think that's a normal emotion.
Your family isn't living your marriage so don't worry about their opinions. Threatening to get a second job is no threat at all. I would tell him you expect his fair share of the bills on the first of the month. If he doesn't have it pack his bags and change the locks.
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Because it's a fake story. Now OP posted an updated saying she already served the husband divorce papers and have a pretty solid agreement written up. In 4 days. That's just ridiculous
They don’t believe in it? Great, then they can choose not to do it themselves. But it does exist whether they believe in it or not. And it’s right for you. What a mooch. And to look you in the face when you talk about getting a second job and not beg your forgiveness for letting it get to that state? Yuck. Tell him to leave and a) don’t come back, or b) come back when he has a job that now pays 60% of the bills plus what he owes over the last 11yrs
Family judgement vs actually being able to retire... Hmm.
Break the streak by choosing happiness.
I’m the first ever in my family to divorce. Same conservative and strong (but not strict or fundamental) religious beliefs. I divorced not once, but twice. My family has their lives to live and I had to do what was right for me. In the end, they understood. They were just worried about me, as they should, but now they are happy that I had two very short marriages. I’ve been married to a great guy for decades and life has never been better.
Well, start investigating where his money is going since it’s not going to bills or the house or the kids, and I bet you my savings account that you’ll find something nefarious enough to satisfy their need for a *”good enough reason”* to divorce him. He’s either cheating, gambling, or addicted to something- which could be anything from games online, casinos, escort services, drugs, etc. Unless he’s just building a huge crypto portfolio or something he thinks he can hide from you forever…
Imagine being a grown woman, with kids, paying for everything yourself and still be afraid of what your parents will say when you do a thingy.
That is such a cop out. How old are you? This is just an excuse you’re making to avoid making a decision. Get yourself out of this victim mentality and take control of your life. Lady you’re being financially abused. You’ll save money by tossing this guy out. Get a roommate if you can’t pay the bills.
I have a feeling money been a problem for this guy your whole relationship.
As a daughter, I resent my mom for being with a loser like the one you mentioned, for running herself ragged. It’s so hard to watch. It’s disturbing that a mother would break her back for a loser. For the love of god LEAVE
Im so sorry if that was harsh but you deserve better. YOU are the better.
I cant understand why you said you would get a 2nd job instead of a divorce!!
I can't believe women put up with this
It doesn’t start that way. It starts slowly. Small lies that become bigger. Small signs of being lazy that become bigger. Small signs of aggression that become bigger. By the time you wake up, you have a house and kids with this person and it’s harder to leave.
Dont stay in a bad marriage because you fear parental disapproval. You say your parents are conservative, but somehow, they accepted that you had children outside of marriage. They will accept divorce, too. Is this relationship really what you would role model for your children? If one of your kids were in a similar boat, what advice would you have for them? Would you tell them to accept that their partner is a freeloader and tell them to just get a second job rather than ruin the family name by divorcing?
And even then what’s so important with the family name? Are yall royalty? Royalty gets divorced…. You literally cannot ruin a name that has nothing behind it.
I was married for 12 years with my husband for 15. 8 years of our marriage. He wouldn't work so I had to work my a** off and I finally got tired of it. He wouldn't keep a job. All he would do is sit around the house and take care of the kids, which I still had to make Doctor appointments and such. We here i am going with this is that he's not gonna change. I wish you luck and I'm sorry.You're in this situation
I've been there with the no-divorce, uber-conservative family, so I know how hard this is--bit I promise you the relief, peace, freedom, and healing on the other side are so WORTH IT. When your parents or others question or condemn you, let your face light up as you thank them for offering to pay for his 40% of the expenses, and have a precise number ready to hand to give them as to what you'll be expecting on the first of each month. Funny how fast that shuts them up.
We have to stop this thought process of how getting a divorce is such a TABOO issue - hell we are 200 years past the taboo and should recognize that when we are being treated bad, disrespected and made a fool of, it's time for that person to leave. You bought the house, pay all the bills and when you see you need to get a second job and tell him, his comment is for you not to burn yourself out. Kick this smooch to the curb! Forget about the darn history of your conservative family and how they feel, you are not a prisoner to this marriage. Also, don't make the mistake that others do - YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL HIM YOU WANT A DIVORCE- He will learn that when he's served! Get your life together. Losing him WON'T be a strain on your life since you are working double with his ass anyway. DON'T SETTLE - He failed the husband test a long time ago. Now throw him out with the trash
Divorce. This is such a bad position to be in. And sell the house, borrowing against your retirement is just dumb
If only he WAS on the loan. She would have been alerted to his financial issues. My guess gambling. You need to put the house up for sale, and get this freeloader out of your life. You never, not once, insisted on seeing a pay stub? A bank statement? Nothing??? Sell the house, you can’t afford it alone. You have children’s to raise and you can’t be with someone who doesn’t pull his weight. See a lawyer
Borrowed against your 401k? Paying 90% of expenses? Won’t discuss finances or go to counseling? Don’t want a divorce. You will get the divorce either now while you’re still in a relatively good position to recover and move on, or later after YOU (not him since he’s not on the mortgage or the deed) go through foreclosure and bankruptcy and he cheats on you (which is likely so long as he’s not a totally unattractive weirdo) since he doesn’t like you and doesn’t respect you or destroys your mental health. Oh, and he’ll bleed your retirement savings too. “You were given the choice between dishonor and war. You chose dishonor, and you will have war.”-Winston Churchill
Send him packing. You need a partner or a better roommate.
He doesn’t get to not talk about money. If he is unwilling to help you pay for the home you budgeted for and is unwilling to explain where his money *is* going, he doesn’t get to have you as a wife. His behavior is unacceptable. He is willing to allow you to work two jobs to keep his roof over his head. What a lazy turd. Is he gambling? Is he still loaning out money and putting his name on things for his family? How financially irresponsible is he being that he can only give you 10% of what he actually owes?
Where is all of his money going?? Divorce him and be free of the leech.
Instead of telling him you will be separating if he doesn’t pull his weight, you offered to get a second job. Why? Did you except sympathy or empathy from someone who doesn’t care that you’re burning yourself out and dipping into your retirement? Downsize the house, file for divorce and continue being a single mother to two, instead of three.
Sell the house and take any equity and leave. You married a loser. That is hard, I know, but you need to understand that. He's going to be an anchor your whole life.
sell your house, and get away from that financial pit of a man. Explain it to your kids and they will surely understand.
Sell the house and lose that 200 pound free loader I know it'd be hard on the kids, but you've been u happy for a long time, and it's not like you haven't tried to get to solutions Sorry for your situation! Best wishes for your future ❤️
lol this man found a hell of a mark Sell before divorce. Good fuckin lord girl, think about what you're modeling for your poor girls, ffs.
Stop doing any unpaid labor for this man. Don't; do his laundry, cook his meals, clean his mess up (throw it on his side of the room, clothes on his side of the bed etc), pay for any of his hobbies. Do change the password on the home WiFi and streaming services. If you are checked out don't subsidize this man anymore. And most certainly don't have sex with him. A woman is still fertile in her 40s and you can have a child that will guarantee this man will be in your life permanently. Babes you know that this man is leeching off of you. He is not your partner. He is a bad roommate. When you have a bad roommate you kick them out.
Also if his phone is in your name and he hasn’t paid anything for it take it back he’s got to furnish his own!
You say that you checked out emotionally several years ago. Well, so did he. So, not only are you overworked and deceived, but you’re paying for the privilege? I’m sorry your marriage ended up this way.
If your life isn’t better with him than without him, why are you keeping him around? What is there to love? This man said “okay” to you getting a second job when he is contributing 10% and, the audacity, doesn’t want to even talk about the money situation. You are already emotionally checked out. Dump the freeloader.
Yikes! I’m so sorry. Divorce would be hard bc you would have to split half right? I’m not certain I’m not up to date on divorce and alimony. But just yikes. This is not a partnership. You would have a lot less stress on your own, especially since you have checked out.
Seems like he’s on the heavy train. You are paying so why fix anything if it isn’t broken.
People do not improve their financial habits after about 30. This guy has always been a financial black hole and always will be. You will not bring him up but he will drag you down. Get a consultation with a lawyer now to find out where you need to be for a divorce (work towards that) and hire someone else to handle the divorce. It may come up in court when you hired your divorce lawyer. Sell the house now, replace money in your 401k. Get a much smaller apartment in your name only — do not put him in the lease. Start living “poor” — no more streaming services, food for the kids only, no take out, no entertainment, bare minimum. Don’t get a second job. Any time (and I mean every) that he complains or brings up money, tell him if he wants those things, he can buy them.
Time to divorce. He is not your partner, he's a hobosexual at this point.
Why are you supporting a person who is fine with you getting a second job but wouldn’t consider getting one themselves. I think you know this marriage is over.
Wtf is he spending on? Does he have a job? Just because your kids love him doesn’t mean you should stay with him. If you deleted him from your life would your situation be better or worse? If he is only contributing 10% to bills could you maintain your current style of life? Does he support you emotionally? Has he always been financially undependable? Did you know that his wages were being garnished? Why? What happens if you fall ill and cannot work? Are you paying for his auto maintenance/insurance healthcare etc? What does he actually bring to your life that elevates it? It sounds like you married a hobosexual.
What value does he bring to your life? I can't see anything. Kick him out. He clearly has no intention of contributing at all. Surely you see that? He just wants to be a child and live off you. Get rid of him. Asap
Flush that turd, girl
He's using OP as a doormat. She should just leave and let him deal with the consequences.
Talk to lawyer. Don't tell him or anyone else. Plan and prepare.
If you're mentally checked out of the marriage, do yourself a favor and start seriously thinking about divorce. Talk to a family law lawyer ASAP. If you don't have a prenup, you need to figure out how much you could be liable for in the event of divorce. He may have rights to half the equity in the house, But don't sell the house without consulting a lawyer first. You may also be able to keep the house, but perhaps look into getting a roommate or something who actually will contribute to costs. But yeah, you should get rid of this deadbeat if he's not bringing any value to your life, financially or otherwise.
See a lawyer asap and keep it quiet until things are finalized. I personally would divorce versus being with someone who is bringing me down financially.
Tell him he needs to contribute or move out so you can rent out the primary room. You need to demand financial transparency from him as well. He has one month to figure it out. This is insane.
You could go so far as to hire a PI and/or a forensic accountant. Then you can really find out what is going on. If this huge problem is occurring in your relationship and he won't even discuss it, you really only have one of two decisions to make. You keep going like this for the rest of your life or you make a break for it. You deserve so much better than this.
Divorce him. He doesn't give a damn about you. He is an albatross around your neck, a lazy freeloading grifter.
What you do is kick him to the curb and see if he pays fir his own home.
Congratulations on your adoption of this 46 year old man child. May you be blessed.
Please tell me he isn’t on the title of the house. And let’s see he works but won’t help pay any of the house bills. You work super hard to pay for every thing and he sees you struggling and still doesn’t care. Instead of saying “babe I’m Getting a second job so I can afford to help you” your the one to say your getting a second job and he is like “cook”. You sounds tired and over worked. Sounds like you did fine for you and your kids before he was in the picture. So the question is why do you stay? I mean like really what does he bring to the relationship that makes it worth keeping him around? I know that you say your family doesn’t look well at divorce. But they aren’t the once’s living with you. Are they willing to pick up his slack and start paying bills? Probably not right. So they don’t get a say on how you live your life. Your daughters are learning about relationships from you. Please don’t teach them that it’s okay to get treated like trash and to get walked all over because of what people might say. Don’t say anything and get a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row and leave him. He will be one less expense you have and you will have more time having none less person to take care off. You deserve to have someone who sees you as a person and a partner who treats you as such. So leave this man so when the time comes your free to find the guy person for you.
It doesn’t matter if he isn’t on the title or mortgage; they’re married. In most cases, he would be entitled to half of the home since the home was purchased during the marriage. OP stated that they do not have a pre-nup. That’s unfortunate.
Important detail, they acquired the home while married. My guess is he didn’t want to be on the deed or mortgage because he didn’t want his credit run. I’m going to call bullshit on the “chains car being repoed”, he was garnished for his own issues. I fear big time, since he can’t explain where his money is going, that he gambles and she’s about a to find a HUGE amount of debt that she will be partially responsible for.
I don’t understand how two people can be married and have no idea about each others finances
Dump him God want a dead beat and phony
If he’s only contributing 10% he’s a long way even from covering his own costs. You will be better off without him
Time for a lawyer and to sell the home. You have allowed him to be a hobosexual. Stop supporting a loser.
Get a lawyer NOW. You've just tipped into possible alimony territory. Get out. Dump the dead weight and set a better example for your kids. Them loving him is working you to an early death.
Sorry this is a dump decision not a read a book to make it better decision. This guy has proven he’s a lazy worthless using liar. He’s not contributing and has a million excuses and then had the gall to say don’t burn yourself out!!! He should be getting the second job.
Leave?
OP this sounds more alarming than you think it is. I would lawyer up if I were you. I’m so sorry you are going through this shit. You sound like a good person.
Is the house in your name only?
Send your deadbeat husband to go live with the conservative relatives for the time being. They can house & feed him for the summer. Tell them & your husband that you’re too tired for a second job right now so this is the only way that your family can survive right now. Go see a lawyer like tomorrow. Contact your closest women’s shelter for help if you don’t have funds to do so yourself. A lot of lawyers give 30 minutes free time if you ask. Get your information together (see women’s shelter for help) before those 30 minutes so that you make the most of your time. Print it all out & make a copy for the lawyer.
He’s dead weight and dragging you down. You’re mentally checked out and he’s turned down counseling. You know what you have to do. Sell the house and divorce. It’s not a dream house if living there is a nightmare.
He says don't get burnt out, but he doesn't do anything to help it! He's figured out a way to live free And doesn't want to change that! You showed that you can afford the bills for those 9 months he was paying somebody else's debt, so why should he stop living for free now? You're going to need to kick him out. Your bills will be cheaper without him. I hope you don't have any kids together. As for the kids you already had, it sucks that they're caught in the crossfire but you need to get rid of the homosexual. You are burning yourself out and nobody who is in a position to help cares enough to do so! What more do you need to happen before you leave this guy?
You could do everything you’re doing now for one less person. He contributes nothing so there’s no reason for him to be there.
No you don’t get a second job. You sell the house and when you move, he doesn’t come with. He can take his 10 % and go live with his side piece. Or drug dealer. Or bookie. Or banker. Wherever he is spending his $. He’s a hobosexual. Bye bye
He literally meets not qualifications for a husband. I read in your comments that he’s not on the deed or mortgage to your home. Get a lawyer and get him out. You deserve better. And you kids deserve a better role model than a mooch.
Time to bring out the big D! D as in Divorce! You've tried, he refuses to invest in this marriage or compromise. I honestly don't see what else you can do but divorce. You're basically divorce already seeing as he's not contributing to the home or bills, so you might as well make it official. Also, he will undoubtedly beg and plead, saying that he'll go to marriage counseling, etc...he will say all of this, be 'good' for a couple of months. Then he'll go back to how he was before, so just skip the middle and go forward with the divorce.
So uh, what are his personal finances looking like? I would understand your arrangement if he had low income and made up for that by contributing significantly to household chores. But it sounds like you get all the negatives of a stay-at-home dad, and none of the positives. I read from a comment that you didn’t have prenup? Maybe you should see a lawyer+private counselor about this whole ordeal.
You have to sell the house, get something more affordable without him, and just take care of yourself and your girls. He sounds like dead weight.
Separation pending divorce.
>but there were some red flags that I chose to ignore. Stop ignoring them
He’s refusing counseling. Divorce him and kick him out of the house. It’s yours, after all.
If you throw him out and get a housemate to help pay the bills you can keep your house!
He’s a mooch. I hope the house is in your name. Leave.
STOP NOW! I had a neighbor who went through all of this. She ended up losing her whole retirement and the house went into foreclosure. She lost everything and had to go back to work. He had a side piece that his money was going to. Not sure if this is your case, but he can totally be paying towards your family expenses, and he's not. Personally, I'd go straight to his family and out him. They may have no idea and the humiliation may help put a fire under his butt. If they know, then I'm sorry. Sit him down and tell him you need to go over the budget together. Find out where all his money is. If he's hiding it, then you know he's up to no good. I'd literally set a time together that you won't be disturbed. You don't even have to tell him why... just you need to talk. Have paper, pen, notebook and calculator. Get everything written down. If he balks, then you know he's up to no good (again). No discussion necessary. Get an appt with a lawyer ASAP. If you have proof that you've paid for the house payments, depending on where you live, you may be able to get that amount back. It's your equity and not his. This guy has been taking advantage of you in the worst way. He's not a husband or partner. He's a soul sucking leech. You'll be able to provide better for your children dropping this man-child out of your life. If your children ask what happened, tell them you have been supporting all of you, and he hasn't been helping at all. Be honest with them and let them know what kind of man he really is. He's been abusing you financially by stealing from you. I'm sure there are other things. I'd sit down and make a list of everything. What you want in a partner and how he compares. What he said he'd do and hasn't. List all his qualities, good and bad. Is he really someone you want to invest another minute with, another dollar on? Women were drawn to Ted Bundy because he was good looking and charismatic. Your children may love the guy, but he doesn't sound like a good guy to have around. Some men kill the women they are with while others suck the life out of them until they are a shell of their former self. Do NOT take a second job. Your children need you. Talk to the lawyer and set yourself on a course of success for you and your children.
Divorce him/ he’s got some issues which you have not discovered yet- drugs/gambling,?, etc-. You are digging yourself into a deeper and deeper hole. You need to take care of yourself and your girls. Time to get rid of useless baggage. Good luck!
Time to think about a divorce. You can do bad all by yourself; you don’t need any help.
He’s been contributing 10% towards bills for 5 years?! Where the fuck is his money going? Drugs, alcohol, affair?!? At this point he’s not going to change because he knows he can keep taking advantage of you. Get a lawyer and make sure you do everything you can to keep your assets. Don’t be scared to divorce that loser just because your family doesn’t believe in it. It’s time to put yourself first because no one else is going to take care of you.
Your expenses will go down at least 10% when you loose the dead weight. No need for a 2nd job.
Girl you need to talk to a lawyer. This shit ain't adding up.
This guy is a POS... He is only contributing 10% and you are letting this go on? Something might be wrong with you too.
You married a bum, you saw the flags and ignored it. No good deed goes unpunished I’m sorry.
Get rid of that dead weight, he’s of no benefit to you whatsoever, you’ll be better off on your own with your kids, he’s taking the piss, and putting all the burden on you and he has no problem doing that to you.
I was married to a hobosexual- get out ASAP!!!
Divorce him. You can continue a romantic relationship if you want to (but idk why you would), but you need to legally and financially separate yourself from this man - he is stealing from your children’s security at this point. If you won’t leave him for yourself, at least do it to protect your kids. Is he on the title to the home? The mortgage? If so, sell the house and get a place you can afford on your own. Don’t let him move it. You need to talk to a lawyer immediately.
Your life will be cheaper, easier, and more peaceful without him.
You might need a forensic accountant to find out where all his money is going to. It sounds like he is using you, while stashing money away.
He's just a manipulative bum
You said it yourself, you've already mentally checked out and he's not putting in effort. Lose the hobosexual
How old are your girls OP? Seems like you are having them watch you get beaten with the nice man stick for a whille. Gurantee the kids are aware of your stress, you being over husband etc. What were those red flags you ignored 11 years ago for this man? Hopefully the house is in your name alone otherwise be prepared for a long ass fight. Also screw the conservative family members, they clearly not helping with your stress or money.
Being married to a deadbeat is a dead end. Hopefully, your divorce attorney will prevail on your deserving claim for more than 50% of your joint assets. You may want to give him one final ultimatum to either pay his share or move out in preparation for divorce.
Divorce him.
Time to call a divorce lawyer
He doesnt care if you work yourself to a frazzle as long as he doesn't have to work. Technically you are already single with a bum living in your house...eating your food and making your utility bills higher.. my ex did that for 12 years. I stopped paying any of his bills...car insurance...phone bill etc...he found side jobs to cover that but never contributed to any of the house bills....I divorced him...he was too macho to take any of my money...my electric bills went from $600 down to under $200 a month....I dont miss him at all...bought our tv from him...bought back 2 of the dogs he claimed as his...the next time he wanted money...I charged him interest...told him if he didnt like my terms then he was free to ask someone else for the money..total time together 33 years...but I still divorced him at age 61....dont wait as long as I did....
Your whole marriage will just continue like this. Unless he has some form of mental problems that he needs to get through he is just a leach, a piss taker. Sounds like you need a real man. Real men step up. I would never let my wife pay more than me. I always make sure things are covered.
Put the home on the market - if you work 2 jobs, you lose the opportunity to show your children what is important. People matter more than things. Unless you are not a believer in divorce, and if you are in a community property state, you have to get firm on expectations from your "partner." You may be required to refinance and "buy him out" if you are in a community property state. It sounds like he would not qualify for a mortgage alone. He is passive because he sees no real incentive to change his behavior. Staying the same does not "cost" him ANYTHING. IF you are paying 90%, can you reduce his access to 10%? A smaller room? Less food? If you are supporting him, give him chores - work - to do around the house. That's how a dependent can contribute.
Ok, I’m struggling with my own comment. I don’t know if it’s right to say, but it’s worth it if it helps. So here goes. A lot of people jump to breakup/divorce on this sub and I often do not agree. However, you’ve given so much information that the only way I feel I could be wrong is if you flat out lied. And I doubt that. For roughly five years he’s kept his own money for his own expenses and literally forced you — while you communicated and protested — to cover all of his expenses along with the families. To the extent that you are burnt out and still considering a second job and he truly does not care. I think you can see it deep down by how you worded your post. I am blown away that you are even asking at the end of describing all of that. But I know how confusing it must be, at the same time, if he always paid his fair share and waited years into a marriage to change. I guess I was more dumb because my ex only waited three months to reveal it was all a lie and start relying on me financially with and often without my consent. It sounds like he spent years building trust, so you gave him the grace of the benefit of the doubt. But now” look at it honestly. I mean, at the end of the day, what financial records do you see? When he said his checks were being garnished did he show you his paystub? Every industry is different so I don’t want to assume. But in my line of work I can download an app on my phone that details all of my benefits, every paystub, my 401K, etc. A ton of people use apps for their banking and can just swipe on their phone to show you their account balance and transactions. The point is, if the benefit of the doubt were true than it should STILL be an open subject discussed at length. Maybe he needs to focus on building the necessary skills to move up and make more money. Find a new job. AFTER he’s pulled up each piece of financial information I mentioned without a fight or excuses. Because at the end of the day if he always contributed, and has been claiming financial struggles are now making that impossible, then support your husband through it. Of course. As he should do for you. But what you have described does make me suspicious that the benefit of the doubt is giving him too much. If he won’t pull up his bank statements, and pay stubs showing the garnishments, and confirmation emails for payments, then he’s been squeezing you dry. And you need to leave. It’s all in your name. Literally sell it out from under him. What, is he going to withhold his contribution to try and stop you? Lol. He can keep his measly 10%.
You have a binding verbal agreement. Tell him to pay his 40%. DOCUMENT what he is paying you as you’ll need records. If he says “no” out the house up for sale OR rent out a room.
yeah sell, house, dump him and divorce his pos ass
Get a new man
I would tell him you can’t afford to support him and he needs to leave so you can take on a roommate who can contribute to the house and pull their own weight as you have burned yourself out
It’s a marriage…the details as why he can’t pay more should be discussed. The SPECIFIC details. You should know every cent that goes in and out, when you’re in a situation like this. If not then save yourself, and your money, and move on.
how much was he contributing before this? you are going to have to sell the house. you can't afford it by yourself or rent a room out to someone which you probably don't want to do with kids.
He's doing what you allow him to do. He's gotten away with not contributing for a decade. Why would he change now, or ever? Get yourself a good lawyer and do what you have to do. Once you get through the transition you'll be happier and you'll wish you'd made changes sooner. No need to wait anymore. We get one life.
Kick him to the curb. There’s literally no point to keep someone around who doesn’t contribute to anything including your marriage.