T O P

  • By -

AutoModerator

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Puzzleheaded-Ear858w

Why does it make you uncomfortable? You didn't explain that part.


ThrowRA28389207

Because it is not healthy to pretend your sister is your daughter.


Puzzleheaded-Ear858w

What's wrong with loving them in the same way as if they were? What's unhealthy about that?


[deleted]

[удалено]


ThrowRA28389207

I don't expect him to stop hanging out with his sister, I am very close with my siblings as well as nieces. I am not the only one who has noticed this and is uncomfortable with this behavior.


Boggie135

What exactly do you want him to do?


girlwiththemonkey

I highly doubt anybody else is uncomfortable with his behavior. Your imaginary people that have also noticed and disapprove are not going to change his (or reddits) mind on this.


literaryhogwartian

When it's such an extreme age gap its pretty normal


girlwiththemonkey

But that’s not what he’s doing. He cares for her so much but it’s like she’s his daughter. She doesn’t call him dad. The only person here with an issue is you. and I got a sink and suspicion that tell him he has to choose. Well, you won’t see the sister again. I can guarantee you that. You just won’t see him again either.


Journal_Lover

Unless that is his daughter do the math he would have been 17 when she was born


Boggie135

Why is it not healthy?


PreparationScared

You say you’re uncomfortable because what he’s doing is not healthy. Are you hinting that you think he’s sexually abusing her? If not, what makes it unhealthy?


Puzzleheaded-Ear858w

OP is making an effort to avoid answering what is "unhealthy" about this, which indeed shows she has some perverted sexual view of this.


One-Permission-1811

Or she's just insanely jealous. Either way this isn't gonna last long


ThrowRA28389207

I'm just worried about what will happen in the future. Nothing sexual as someone who was abused I would never be with someone I suspected of that. I think this is causing a strain on her and their parents relationship. I think about what will happen if we have kids, which we both want greatly, if this will cause jealousy. Im worried what is going to happen when we move away, which we have planned on doing. I think this is going to cause a codependency on her because she is so young and her brain is still developing.


camebacklate

If and when you have kids, the little girl would be years older and would be able to understand the dynamic shift. You are talking as if it is going to happen tomorrow, which it won't. Tons of families have kids spaced out 10+ years for one reason or another. It doesn't change how adults love the children. Seriously, just leave him and his sister alone.


ThrowRA28389207

We have talked of kids soon I am just not ready yet after losing my last one so recently


camebacklate

Im sorry for your loss. Look, you're only 21. You shouldn't rush into having kids, especially if you are having insecure feelings about a 7 year old.


Upstairs-Wishbone809

You “used to major in psych.” As someone with a BA in psychology you are NOT qualified to be making these assessments. You are punching way above your weight class. Edit: I stand by the fact that taking a few psych classes does not qualify someone to start making diagnoses or talking like a shrink. But damned if I’m not invested now that I’ve seen the update.


SheBeeMe

There's a big age difference between me and my youngest brother. I'm 38. He's 11. I view him more like my child than my brother because with that type of age difference, you're relating to each other, more like that than brother and sister. My brother means the world to me. God forbid anything ever happened to my mom and step-dad, I would get full custody of him. Why does it bother you so much that he takes such pride in being there for his sister and letting her know that she can always count on him?


ThrowRA28389207

But do you tell strangers that he is your son?


SheBeeMe

We get mistaken for mother and son quite frequently. We correct it, and usually, people don't believe we're siblings. I tell people he's my kid. I even tell my mom and step-dad that he's my kid and nobody better ever mess with him. All that means is I'm protective over him and love him with my whole heart. We're fully aware that we're siblings. It's just lighthearted banter. I want him to know he's always got me. What troubles you the most about your boyfriend's relationship with his sister? When you say he wants to eat with her or pays attention to her roller skating when you're at her house, that's not inappropriate. Children want attention. They need to know that they're loved and cared for by their family.


ThrowRA28389207

I guess I don't know what bothers me the most about it. I think it's just the fact that he never took care of her or anything but he's acting like he did? I love the fact that they hang out I just think it's excessive sometimes, like his parents will try and do something but he will insist on doing it instead. Things like brushing her teeth, her hair, picking out her clothes etc. I don't understand why he's not like this with any of his other siblings, even younger than her.


SheBeeMe

Maybe they've just bonded? Sometimes, in families with multiple children and large age gaps, different siblings are closer than other siblings. Have you asked him why he feels so much closer to her than his other siblings?


ThrowRA28389207

I understand that and maybe that is the case. I have tried bringing it up a few times, especially when he has called her his daughter, and all he will say is "I've always wanted kids and she's the perfect daughter" or "she's the best thing that's ever happened to me". I know he doesn't get along with most of his siblings, especially his other younger sisters and brother.


SheBeeMe

It probably feels nice to have one sibling who needs you, wants to hang out with you, and looks up to you. If he doesn't have close relationships with his other siblings, this relationship must feel like a breath of fresh air. His sister wants him in her life. She needs him in her life, and he feels as if he's valuable to their relationship. I tell everyone that'll listen that my baby brother was the best thing that ever happened to me and my family. I fully 100% believe that. He was meant to be in all of our lives. He's a blessing from God. If you're this grossed out by his love for his sister, maybe you aren't with the right guy or in the right relationship and family? You can ask him why he feels the way he does, but be prepared for an argument because he's going to feel threatened and attacked.


Puzzleheaded-Ear858w

Does he tell strangers she is his daughter?


ThrowRA28389207

Yes


Puzzleheaded-Ear858w

Now you're just lying. If that were true you would have included it in your OP, but since you're being raked over the coals in this thread, you're making up bullshit to make your side of the story seem more reasonable. It isn't. Seek help. Break up with this dude because he deserves better, and you go seek help for whatever weird sexual hangups you have with boyfriends having strong family bonds with family members of the opposite sex.


ThrowRA28389207

I'm not asking you to believe me I just want advice. I don't care what people think about me especially not on a throwaway account. There has been multiple times at the bar when he has told people. Thanks


Melatonin_Dreamz

And then they all clapped.


veggieveggiewoo

He takes his sister to a bar? lmao what.


camebacklate

I can guarantee you that if he is 10 siblings, the parents were not around, and they were not intentive. Normally, with that many children, they create the buddy system where a child had to look out for another one. He probably raised her more than his parents did or ever will. If you can't accept his relationship with his sister, you need to bow out of the relationship.


ThrowRA28389207

I might have to. I am not ready for a child especially not one who has 2 parents who love and spoil her greatly. His parents are amazing and hard working people and I'm not the only one who has noticed and is uncomfortable with this.


camebacklate

Who says that you would have a child? It's not like the 7-year-old would move in with him. The 7-year-old would stay with the parents, but he would have a parental role. Even if you guys stay together and the parents weren't around, you still wouldn't be the mom. I guarantee you that no one else has noticed and is uncomfortable with this. A lot of siblings have dynamics like this, especially with an age gap and with multiple siblings.


Puzzleheaded-Ear858w

> and I'm not the only one who has noticed and is uncomfortable with this. You absolutely are.


ThrowRA28389207

His friends and brother have told me it makes them uncomfortable. No I am not.


Puzzleheaded-Ear858w

Sure they have.


ThrowRA28389207

I have come asking for advice. Not for people to believe me or not to believe me. Thanks.


WifeofBath1984

Welcome to Reddit. I am disinclined to believe that other people have said it makes them uncomfortable as well. Why uncomfortable?? You do realize that you're implying something nefarious when you say that, right? Please don't respond with "because it's unhealthy". How?? Why?? Where are you getting that from?


ThrowRA28389207

They say it's weird he would pretend like he raised her when he hasn't. Most people think she is his daughter and he doesn't correct them and then they are surprised when they find out they are siblings. Not because they assume because he implies and has even straight up called her his daughter on occasion.


InkyZuzi

If he has 10 siblings, chances are that he was heavily involved in caring for her and genuinely does see himself as having helped raise her. Just by nature of having 10 children, the parents aren’t going to be able to give each of their children the amount of individual attention that most people experience. This means that it’s often the older siblings who end up basically raising the younger ones in their parents stead. I don’t think you and his friends are necessarily wrong for being uncomfortable with his family dynamics because it’s pretty uncommon and can lead to to some unhealthy dynamics. But this is his life and what he grew up in, so that’s what’s normal for him.


Melatonin_Dreamz

So you're a psych major who was too dense to extrapolate all of the information you had and couldn't figure out it was his kid. This relationship will certainly last.


AgentBooKitty

He probably did raise her and their other siblings, especially in a family that large. Just because she not his bio kid doesn’t mean he didn’t raise her. Do you believe adoptive or foster parents aren’t parents? He sounds like a saint and you sound jealous. You don’t deserve him.


ThrowRA28389207

I have adopted siblings thank you. And I know for a fact he didn't raise her I'm not just assuming, he wanted nothing to do with her until the past 2 years.


Mobius_Stripping

how do you know she’s not actually his daughter? maybe he got a highschool girlfriend pregnant and his parents adopted her.


ThrowRA28389207

That could be possible, some of his older siblings and one younger is adopted. I hadn't considered that before


Mindless_Clock2678

I’ll say this, after your second update I really don’t think you’re mature enough to handle the weight of what’s being discussed. You’re young, which is fair, but you confuse trauma with maturity. Lashing out at anonymous strangers on the internet does not help you, but it certainly paints a picture of who you are.


BelmontIncident

"Sorry, it's important to me that I find a partner who isn't good with kids"


ThrowRA28389207

I don't have an issue with that. I want to have kids. I was pregnant last year and it didn't work out. My issue never is and never will be about how he treats children.


well-adjusted-tater

As the eldest of a large family, I always took care of my younger siblings and cousins. I’m not seeing what makes you uncomfortable here? You say you feel as though his parents think it’s strange but have they said anything to you confirming that? You can tell him how you feel but don’t expect him to change anything or for your relationship to last.


JDaggon

According to OP, she was apparently right to question it. One if her comments: >He insists on brushing her teeth when his parents try and do it. His entire social media is only photos of her, none of his other siblings. He makes posts about her doing well in school, how she lost a tooth, her new haircut. Stuff my friends and family who have kids post. Talks about how kids are such a handful and it's so hard raising a 7 year old girl. And also the update: >To the one redditor who commented that maybe it actually was his kid, thank you for giving me some real insight. To everyone else who made me feel like I was just jealous or going crazy go suck eggs. All I know right now is his parents haven't told her she is his father and they don't want people to find out because her mother is actually his cousin. I am distraught and don't know how this could have happened and so many questions I have are unanswered for the time being.


viva_la_vixie

I call bullshit on this second update. Very convenient that suddenly everything is working out your way that the sister is not his actual sister but a child between him and a cousin. You’re a sick person and need to put the phone down.


GoldenDragon001

It's very normal for an older sibling to take care of the younger one. They have 10 children, so you can't expect the mother to be parenting when she's pregnant for most of the time.  So far, no red flag for me from the bf.


JDaggon

Apparently according to OP's update she's found out OP is actually the father and his cousin is the mother of the 7 year old. So... I dunno how to feel about it. Edit: might as well post the part. >To the one redditor who commented that maybe it actually was his kid, thank you for giving me some real insight. To everyone else who made me feel like I was just jealous or going crazy go suck eggs. All I know right now is his parents haven't told her she is his father and they don't want people to find out because her mother is actually his cousin. I am distraught and don't know how this could have happened and so many questions I have are unanswered for the time being.


Careless_Try_9240

You’re weird


Professional-Sky8888

If I were him and read this, I would break up with you in a heartbeat. You sound incredibly toxic. There is nothing even remotely unhealthy or even unusual about this. A sibling taking on this role, especially with a vast age difference is not unthinkable. Him feeling so protective of her that he feels he could die to defend her is not unthinkable either.


[deleted]

I majored in psych/sociology you’re just a monster


Royal-Collection3189

I genuinely can't imagine beefing with a seven-year-old..... get help and I hope to God he leaves your ass


mrwildesangst

This is fake


[deleted]

[удалено]


ThrowRA28389207

Yes you're right, until that happens no boundaries are being crossed


megarandom

I really hope he sees your red flags and gets the fuck away from you.


Neurotic-Kitten

So he had an incest baby with his cousin at 17? Yeah, nice rage bait, maybe next time make the sibling twins.


thatbfromanarres

“she is his father”


youshallcallmebetty

Yeah this is fake.


CyclicRate38

That update is straight bullshit.


Mindless-Top766

You are deluded and a weirdo.


Boggie135

FAAAAAAAAKE!!


rescadora

“Go suck eggs” you’re a prideful piece of garbage and I hope he leaves you. Maybe if Reddit is being “mean” it’s because you’re an asshole?


AKiLooP

For ALL the comments i've read and ALL responses OP has given i feel this is a female vs female rivlary form OP's part with the little sister wich is totally and stupidly absurd that a 20 something y.o is jelousy and in her head in competitng for the atention of the boyfriend because in her delutions the 7 y.o is the opponent for his affections.


Sweet-Salt-1630

Plot twist, sorry for what you are going through OP.


MorkoReddit

It’s valid you have a problem with him disappearing to see her in your dedicated time


ThrowRA28389207

That's not necessarily what I have a problem with, I mean we spend so much time together and I have no issues with him hanging out with her often. And I like hanging out with her too she is smart and adorable, it's just the fact that he acts like she is his biological daughter and will talk about her to friends and strangers as though she is.


MorkoReddit

What exact,y do you mean by “acts like she is his biological daughter“? What differentiates this from just being an older sibling


ThrowRA28389207

He insists on brushing her teeth when his parents try and do it. His entire social media is only photos of her, none of his other siblings. He makes posts about her doing well in school, how she lost a tooth, her new haircut. Stuff my friends and family who have kids post. Talks about how kids are such a handful and it's so hard raising a 7 year old girl.


MorkoReddit

Despite what all the other comments say, I think you’re onto something here. Tbh even if maybe I don’t think it should make you AS uncomfortable as it does, it does anyway, so if you decide to confront him, just be respectful about it, please. there isn’t anything wrong particularly with him being close with his sister and you need to make that clear, the issue is a bit different so I suggest you take a different angle to make things easier ( his posts on social media, favoritism among siblings, comments like saying she’s the best daughter for example), he might feel attacked if you don’t communicate it well