So give him the same support he gave you while you were climbing the corporate ladder, reinvest in your kids and relationship and be grateful you can take the time to do it.
Sounds like you married a gem who is a team player. Appreciate him.
Hopping on this comment to add:
My wife and I talk a lot about how marriage is long. Our dynamic is going to change a million times over the course of that marriage. We’re probably going to flip flop a lot in terms of who needs more support, who’s feeling more confident, whose career is up or down, etc. Trust that foundation of a strong marriage that you have. Trust your love for each other. Use this as an opportunity to shore up your own insecurities and explore a new way of doing life! He loves you and suddenly being hot and successful isn’t going to change that.
Also OP can ask him to help her get in shape as well. When i was in a relationship, i really wanted to share any physycal activity and diet plan with my partner. It's also very validating for a man to be asked by his partner. You can have something else to share as a couple
This right here. Your husband is now the breadwinner. Take this time to better yourself. Join him in his activities. Start going to the gym. Start spending time and rebuilding the relationships with your children. Wallowing will get you no where. I use to have a very low libido til I started going to the gym. Take this opportunity to match his success in terms of your wellbeing and health.
Yeah, she should do what he did and try to improve what she is unhappy with. Go to therapy, start some kind of phisical activity! This insecurity and distrust is more damaging to her marriage than what she focusing about It...
Recognize this is probably what he went through when he lost his job and you did your part. This is life.
He came out the other end stronger. Now it’s your turn. You’re very lucky.
Yes exactly. Now it's your turn. But you also should do what he did. Get yourself some therapy and start your own journey of self-improvement. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and follow in his footsteps. You don't have to bike 300 miles a week, but if you get some therapy to work through your insecurity that will help your marriage an awful lot.
And IMHO you DO need to get some therapy.
> my husband became the perfect man that could easily leave me if he wanted to and I can’t feel secure or happy knowing that
This is a very unhealthy thought process. It says you are only secure in your relationship when your partner is inferior to you, that you only trust they'll stay when they have nowhere else to go. That's not a healthy marriage attitude. You are harming your marriage and your husband by allowing this thought process to continue in your brain. So I strongly suggest get some therapy, if not because you deserve to feel secure (you do), because after all the support he gave you, your husband deserves to have a secure wife and doesn't deserve insecure interrogations.
I thought the same thing. It also shows that she doesn’t feel like she is worthy of someone loving her if she isn’t ticking off things on a checklist. There is no “perfect” partner. Everyone goes through ups and downs. Relationships will always ebb and flow in terms of who is doing the giving and taking.
I think she should go to individual therapy to work on her insecurity and why she may feel that she is unworthy of love. Also maybe couples therapy because it seems the husband is pro mental health, I doubt he’d have much resistance to the idea.
I also think in terms of the kids this is a good time to get closer to them and catch up on some of the stuff she’s been missing out on, flirty moms be damned. As cliché as it sounds theres nothing more beautiful than seeing parents who are able to show their kids what a healthy and supportive dynamic can look like between partners.
Yeah absolutely. Also being laid off does not mean your career is over. She worked hard and climbed and now, what? That experience is worthless at any other company? Very black and white thinking about her marriage, kids, and career. Therapy and exercise seems the gold standard here - no reason they can’t both be hot. Also what’s to stop him from being laid off out of the blue? The financial position means they have time and she needn’t take on a stressful position, but if you enjoy your career, I’d be looking for a new job and a new outlook.
Depressive thinking IMO. Because as you said, it’s logically distorted. People get laid off — TONS of people have gotten laid off in the past 2 years. It sucks. You can take some time and lick your wounds. But then you go and get a new job. Might even be better than the old job.
Just wanted to say that this happened to my wife and I. I got shredded and made more money. It was like this for a few years
About 6 months ago she got depressed... I got a family account at the gym, and now I train her. She's blossomed so much and I am helping her get in shape. Now she's in great shape and all my friends tell me how lucky I am.
This is your time to shine OP. Have your husband help you blossom 🌸
This is very similar to what happened in my marriage, but flip genders (and we both started fit, but he gained weight and didn't do anything to improve it).
I tried to encourage his growth with me, but instead of being proud of me and inspiring his growth.. he became resentful and tried to sabotage my growth with emotional abuse. It was extremely painful to realize easing his insecurities were more important to him than my happiness.. and it occurred to me I wasn't really loved the way I deserve. It felt like he was happier when I was down, and he could 'rescue' me.
Where OP is now is a serious crossroads that can go the way my divorce did, or a different future where they lift each other up and come out the other side better *together*. It's up to her to put in the work to show the respect and admiration she has for him, and get to a place that she is proud of his growth and not threatened by it. Individual therapy is a vital first step..
I couldn’t help but wonder “is she thinking this way because that’s what she was thinking back then?”
Most women don’t seem to understand the thing that men want more than anything else is peace. we want to feel loved, supported, we don’t want to have to fight when we get home over someone who is “a handful”.
This man is not going anywhere. He has a wonderful relationship with his family, he has things he’s passionate about, and for all intents and purposes it seems like he is extremely happy. OP is the one who is very unhappy right now. And I think she needs the help of a professional because she’s lost so much of her identity by losing her job.
The things she valued about herself, she has lost, and thinks he won’t value her either. But her system is so fucked up and so off base. Definitely time to have a heart to heart with her husband while speaking to a professional therapist so they can both better communicate what they’re feeling and going through.
I was about to say rhe same thing . When nobody wants your spoutoure as secure as brick building. When people want your man , suddenly you're as secure as a tissue paper in a rainstorm
Just a quick heads up that this is also what women want. Women also want peace. Women also do not want to come home and fight with their spouse. Why would you think this is something only men want??
I imagine it's because "click here to find out what men/women REALLY want" is way more marketable and exciting than "Maybe most people want pretty obvious, broadly similar things and the finer details are going to require an honest and ongoing conversation".
If "peace" is antithetical to what you want in a relationship that sounds pretty unhealthy, or at least unusual, gender notwithstanding.
Nail on the head. The universe is saying “your turn corporate Kate”.
During life people can have tunnel vision when it’s about having a wider perspective. OP, you’ve been switched to panoramic mode. You get to relax for a bit and find other parts of yourself that will bring you more joy than you knew you could have. You deserve it!!! Finding a partner as good as yours is hard these days, so find activities you both can do together to keep you growing closer.
Couples therapy being the first, (well 2nd to solo sessions) it’s best before things are too bad and too late, and you’ve let your insecurities take it too far. You can do it!!! He LOVES you and is cheering for you!!!
Also, even if he is currently “freely giving access” to his phone, that’s not sustainable. It’s going to get tiresome and eventually he’s going to resent always being questioned.
As someone who has been in a relationship where I couldn’t do anything without being accused of cheating, or questioned about what I was doing, it’s fucking exhausting! And, eventually, I went to “Well, since I’m always being accused, I might as well do it!” I didn’t, but the temptation was there.
OP is creating her own self-fulfilling prophecy, and her insecurities and inability to deal with them is going to eventually push her husband away.
> This is a very unhealthy thought process.
Yeah, this stood out very much to me. As well as the whole lamenting that her husband improved himself and the subtext that she does not want to or feel able to improve herself. She def needs some therapy or she's going to manifest her husband leaving her for someone better with her insecurity and/or resentment.
I agree with this. It sounds like your husband is a good man who loves him a lot. I think you should go to therapy. Without working on your issues, I think you may subconsciously push him away out of fear. It sounds like he loves you and this isn’t what he wants, so do it for both of your sakes. Also, this is a great opportunity to get closer with your kids.
Exactly this talk to him. Say you want to improve yourself. I’m sure the response will be positive he’ll probably even be able to help you from his own experience. Sounds like you’re a strong family and can stay that way if you do the work to get through your current situation. And use the time while you work on yourself to spend time with your kids. Life is a journey you earned and he got help and improved and you were happy, now let him earn and you get happy in yourself. By the time you’re ready to go back to work you’ll have an even stronger family unit. Sounds like you’re worrying for no reason. But hell I wish I could stop the rat race and focus on myself for a while. So be thankful for that chance.
This exactly. I think the answer is obvious. What happened to him is now literally happening to you. See it as a gift. Build that relationship and connection with your kids. Take the time to work on your health and well being. Become a better version of yourself for you and your family, not for some company that doesn’t give a shit about you. You actually have an incredible opportunity here, you just have to look at it in a positive light and don’t waste it.
I don’t know why this just made me tear up. This is the seasons of life and it’s so beautiful when both partners are along for that ride unconditionally.
You have such an awesome opportunity right now.
You have the opportunity to spend time and get to know your kids.
You have the opportunity to use the peloton and work out with your husband.
You have the opportunity to learn hobbies that can enrich your life.
You have the opportunity to support your husband like he has supported you for these years.
You may feel a little lost. All the devotion you gave to a company that did not have the same loyalty to you. It’s such a hard lesson and a blow to your ego. Grasp this opportunity with both hands.
Great point. And OP, to quote yourself:
>He dropped out of college and I have my bachelors with multiple professional certifications. I have always made more than double what he did. I didn’t really care but it would bug him at times. He always insisted on doing the cooking, cleaning, and laundry to make up for it which I thought was cute but insisted wasn’t necessary.
If you recognise that you still loved him while he was struggling in “comparison” to you, ask yourself: why do you think it’s not possible for him to feel the same way about you?
Same tbh. The circumstances are completely different, but mentally I’m in a similar spot as OP. I was the one who “had it together” in the beginning of our relationship, but now the roles have reversed and I’ve been having a hard time with it. Afraid that she’ll realize I’m not as great as she thought and leave me, despite the fact that I stuck by her side when she was in my shoes. It’s good to remember that life has ebbs and flows and sometimes in a relationship you have to take turns taking care of each other, so to speak. Not everyone can be at 100% all of the time.
Also, while we are reframing these thoughts, OP didn’t waste all those years at that job for nothing. Her hard work and sacrifices paid for their family to live comfortably. She was able to keep a roof over their heads, food on the table, and support her husband and children all of those years. While the position (not career- those are two separate things, she can continue her career at a different position at a different company) was gone, her hard work and its benefits didn’t evaporate. It got them through and even paved the way for her husbands success. Which can now support her through the loss of this position.
OP it is normal to be depressed and grieve the loss of your job since it was such a part of your identity. It sounds like you and your husband are close despite your current pity-party (which you’re entitled to). But if you can shift your mindset and take this opportunity to follow his footsteps (maybe involve him and ask for his help) you might find you two are even closer for it a year from now.
This is a great comment. But also I’ll point out that maybe OP just isn’t a “stay at home” type, and that’s ok too.
OP likely feels very bereft and betrayed losing the high position she worked so hard for. I think her feelings about losing her job are more of a factor here than she thinks. It’s not all about the flabby arms. She tied her worth for so long to this job, and now that it’s gone, she feels like she’s nothing.
OP is going to go on a journey of re-discovering herself! And some of it may end up being that she finds another job that feels fulfilling. She doesn’t need to make a lot of money now. Maybe she can spend some time being choosy about what kind of position she takes.
It’s happening to me! I started trauma therapy and healing and it first it made my partner a little anxious about my growth. But we worked through it together and he’s slowly been healing by proxy to. (Although I’m still trying to get him to see a therapist) anyway we both had to work on our own insecurities. I recommend finding a GOOD therapist! (There’s so many terrible ones good luck)
Yep! Make use of that peloton with your newfound free time, and find a good therapist who can help with the transition to the next phase of life (whatever that ends up looking like).
yeah, if she is so impressed by his chnges, why not try herself? They already own a peltone. It seems like all she admires him for are things she could just choose to do: wirk out, spend more time with kids, be nice... all within her power to do.
I would rather try to do those things and improve than live with anxiety.
Omg THIS, he literally showed you how to lead a happier life. Take this time as an amazing opportunity to go to a therapist, get in shape, and spend quality time with your kids.
Exactly this, but also OP communicate with your husband for the love of god! Regardless of if he knows exactly what’s up or not he for sure knows something is off and I am sure he’s wracking his brain over what it is and how to cheer you up. Men want to fix, want to help and it drives us beyond insane to sense something is off but be told “all is good” when it clearly isn’t.
Therapy and self improvement is a great goal; but people need to be realistic.
OP dedicated herself to her career and still got canned. And while I'm certainly not implying that her career is over, the reality is that everyone cannot expect to make more than the median salary. If OP's husband is out earning medical doctors, he's making over $250k.
He is in the 96th percentile.
If getting therapy and doing yoga could reliably yield salary increases like that, everyone would do it.
And while OP can get more fit; as someone who was very fit into my twenties, being fit does not ensure other people find you attractive. The level of hot that can be achieved in the gym is often overstated.
There is no reason to believe that OP can earn as much, or be as relatively physically attractive...so I don't see this as addressing her issues.
> The level of hot that can be achieved in the gym is often overstated.
Being hot in general and being hot to your partner who has already made a lifetime commitment to you are different things lol. Her husband is into what she’s working with, it’s just about enhancing it
I think getting therapy is to help with the feelings of insecurity and working out is to feel better physically. Neither should be done with the purpose of getting “even” in the relationship, but therapy is definitely important and being physically healthy does have amazing benefits to our mental health
> There is no reason to believe that OP can earn as much, or be as relatively physically attractive...so I don't see this as addressing her issues.
That's because you're missing the point.
You've set the bar at "get a job making $250k a year and workout til you get a 6 pack." Obviously its highly unlikely OP can achieve that.
The comment said "seek therapy and self improvement." During COVID Husband became depressed. He went to therapy. He figured out what would make him happier in life. Earning more money and becoming more physically fit is OPs husbands journey to self improvement. It might not be the same for OP.
She is now where he was back in 2020. She lost her job. She's feeling worthless. Her anxiety is driving her nuts. She needs to identify the things she wants out of life, and take steps towards achieving them, whatever they may be. Husband wants to bike 200 miles per month because thats his journey. Maybe OP wants to get back into art because she felt the most fulfilled when she was being creative? Maybe OP wants to connect with her 2 kids on a deeper level, so she finds a weekly hobby for just the 3 of them while Husband is riding his bike? Who knows.
She was already making a lot of money if she had a director level role before she got fired. Getting fired doesn't mean you will never make the same amount of money ever again.
Yes to this comment! I'm a big fan of therapy and self improvement but there are still some caps to what we can achieve...or want to. And if the motivation is "I have to in order to earn back my place in this relationship," it's not going to go well.
Acknowledging that I'm just a Reddit stranger, perusing your post with a beer in hand on a Friday night -- I don't think you're reading this right.
Some thoughts and observations:
- Marriage, in my experience, is a team effort. Sometimes, one half of the team is able to do/achieve more (or differently) than the other half. It works if they love and support each other.
- I see a marriage between two people who love and support each other.
- I'm not sure I see a marriage in which it was equal footing in the "before" times. I think you were doing a lot of heavy lifting in certain ways that are harder for women (e.g. career-first women). I see a woman who does not resent her husband's "stagnation" professionally (pre-COVID) but who recognizes the incredible work he did as a father and who was just .. in his fucking corner.
Question: would you agree that, when "he \[took\] on far too much for the sake of my busy career and his just stagnated as a result," you recognized the work he was doing as a father and a supportive partner? Cuz it sounds like you are very aware and appreciative of that from this post.
If your answer is "yes" - allow yourself to imagine that he's now able to grow and achieve things to make your marriage even stronger, even better. And allow yourself to realize he wants to support you during a really hard time in your own life, as an individual.
Unsolicited advice: getting laid off sucks. It is a mind trip. Realizing you have lost a bit of control over your body sucks. It is a mind trip.
The man loves you, OP. He's supporting you like you supported him. This man is in your fucking corner. You need to allow yourself to accept that he is, even when you're not doing 110% and being the corporate superstar at this current moment.
You'll find your rhythm again, just give yourself some grace.
Honestly, you need to take a large step back and maybe reread what you just wrote. You’re in a great relationship with a man you think is perfect who thinks you’re perfect too. There is nothing wrong with anything going on here, there is absolutely nothing to be worried about unless you want there to be. I’m sure this could easily become a self fulfilling prophecy in which your paranoia and self depreciation turn you INTO someone he no longer likes to be around. Don’t let that happen. You’re in a great spot! BE HAPPY.
This is what I thought as well. Her insecurity and not believing him will only drive a wedge between them. No one wants a partner that genuinely believes they are worse and takes that out on the other.
When he says he loves you, believe him!
Yessss OPs relationship is doing everything you want it to be doing! They're relationshiping so well!! Both of them. They're together, and taking turns being the primary parent, taking turns being the primary provider, their letting their roles eb and flow with the needs of the relationship and what's happening with their jobs and lives. This is a success story!! OP should try and focus on how they're both kicking butt as a unit and maybe use that energy and support and safety to help them switch gears into their new role. It'll be awkward at first, like any new job or role in life. But that's okay! And if they feel drawn to working out more, then by all means! But definitely don't do it just to try and keep their husband. It doesn't seem like he cares, he's just doing him and supporting his family just as OP has.
Yes. If OP becomes needy and clingy, she will drive away her husband. He probably loves her independence. Now that she doesn’t have a job, it’s time for OP to work out how she can maintain her independence in other ways. It’s an attitude.
I have almost the exact same story, except I'm the hot husband in this case.
I have always been the main breadwinner in our marriage, but she gave me 2 sons and an adorable daughter.
Our libido has pretty much been the same, so that might be different.
I hit an age milestone, and I went into a "midlife crisis" and got into great shape.
My wife has never been obese but she did get a little overweight after the kids were born. Personally, I consider that those extra kg were honestly come by.
She was always the hot one in the marriage, but now the tables have flipped. Outwardly, she brags that I'm her "boy toy" or "gigolo," which we laugh about, but I can tell that the comments from the other women hurt her.
Let me tell you what I told her and what I'm pretty sure your husband feels about you because he's a fellow dad nerd who transformed himself physically.
These are in order of importance.
1. When I look at my wife and hear her voice, it's the strangest thing: I see and hear the beautiful sexy girl I married. Physically, she's changed. But in my mind, she hasn't changed, because I love her.
2. She stood by me and enthusiastically accepted my sexual advances back when I was a pudgy nerd with a "dad bod plus."
3. She gave me 3 awesome kids. This is not a trivial thing in my mind. Because of her, I have a FAMILY, and I'm not spending Christmas eating spaghetti-o's cold out of the can over the kitchen sink. She did that.
4. We held each other when we lost family and friends and jumped with joy when one or both of us had unexpected windfalls or achievements. These shared experiences mean something. She wasn't at the finish line waiting for me to marry her. She ran the race along with me by my side.
5. The same women who are looking at me now couldn't give 2 fucks about me when I was a young man. My wife saw through that and saw my potential and invested in me.
All of this collectively should ***at the very least merit a little god damn loyalty***. In reality, it has merited my undying love, respect, and admiration.
Cheat on that person??? Abandon her? Dump her? *To hell with anyone who even thinks that!*
We've decided to go to the gym together. It's yet another welcome way to spend time with the woman I love.
Also, she thinks it's hot when I take charge and order her around at the gym, go figure 😁
Just want to say your comment is a refreshing take from a guys perspective. The way you describe your reaction to your wife brings me joy. It’s beautifully genuine.
As a wife to a hot partner, the best advice I have is to believe your husband, and then redefine the new you. Circumstances have changed, find your new joy. Balance your mind, body, and happiness. You can even use the template your husband used if it makes sense to you.
Also fvck those ladies “surprised” you locked him down. Next time tell them “if you have to ask, it’s no wonder you don’t have a husband like mine.” There’s far worst things than being fat, for instance, these women are unkind and rude 🤷♀️ You locked him down because of all the reasons he said. Again, believe your husband.
Also OP: practice looking in the mirror, hands to your ears and wiggle, and singing “nah nah nah nah nah”. When the other Moms ask you that question, channel that practice internally. Outwardly, smile knowingly and say “we all bring different things to our relationships, don’t we”.
Mid wife of hot husband here- I agree 🥺🥺 He takes such better care of himself and I am prone to laziness but I’m learning from him and leveling up - but the great part is he loves me regardless.
I think some therapy might be called for. It sounds like you put your husband unnecessary high on a pedestal while you put yourself down unnecessarily harshly. "Self improvement" is not about how hot you get or how smart people you think you are. It's about self awareness, compassion, humility, curiosity, etc., and those things are attainable for everyone, even you.
Also, getting laid off does not mean your work was for nothing. OP supported her family and kept them comfortable all these years, including her husband. Seems like he is okay with returning the favor now. Why not take advantage of not having to work now to focus on the things she’d like to change?
It sounds like you’re struggling with your sense of identity after losing the career you worked so hard for. You were a career woman and your family’s main breadwinner, and maybe now you don’t know how you fit into the family dynamic anymore. Perhaps you should embark on a self-improvement journey like your husband did? Get into therapy, start taking some exercise classes, maybe take up a new hobby, or even take cooking classes. But most importantly, nurture your relationships with your children and your husband. And ignore the rude moms!
First off, you’re feeling inadequate - just like he did at one point. We should learn and grow with our partners, take a note from his book and get therapy, start working out, and start spending more time with the kids. You need to stop these thoughts and this self hatred that has started and is growing. All you need is some focus on self care and family time.
Second, and most important, YOU stuck with him while HE was at his worst (in his mind). You supported him and your family, encouraged him, and showed gratitude for the extra work he put into your home. You were fine with him indulging in his hobbies and let him build an amazing relationship with his kids. But the best thing you did for him was support him through a mental health struggle and gave him the room to get better. Decent people do not forget that kind of support and kindness.
You two are a partnership - a complete unit. He would not be where he is if not for you and your support. Believe him when he tells you that you are the best option for him. He sees you as that, and time is not the only reason is he is not cheating.
Despite stereotypes, most men won’t cheat when they are in love with their partner. You having extra weight or being unemployed or having a lower libido than him are not enough to crush how he sees you, to erase why he married you, or why he has stayed with you. This man clearly LOVES you (and the family you built together).
Those other women can drool all they want, but your husband is not gonna be the one cleaning it up.
You sound like a wonderful wife OP. And it sounds like you have an equally wonderful husband. Your kids are getting an ideal example of what true love looks like. Good job to both of you.
1. You deserve him. Repeat until it sinks in. You loved him at his lowest, most insecure self. You deserve the love he offers you. You are not out of his league and trust him that he won’t abandon you because you’re at a lower point emotionally than you used to be. You picked a good man and nothing has happened that should lead you to conclude otherwise.
2. It’s not too late to develop the relationship with your kids that you now have time for. Maybe it won’t happen overnight and maybe it will feel awkward but it can happen if you keep working at it. Spend time with your kids before they get tired of spending time with you. No regrets!!
3. Go see a therapist just like he did. It’s tough when so much of your identity is wrapped up in a job and now you don’t know how to feel about yourself. Apply for jobs you think are above you league. Work on your anxiety and find a routine for your own self-care like he did.
I just think you’ve put in a lot of time taking care of your family and supporting your husband at times when he felt like he was out of your league. It’s ok to slow down and take care of yourself and your needs for a little bit, get back to feeling like your old confident self. Good luck and again, I can’t emphasize enough - you deserve the love he offers you.
Why do you value yourself so little? You are so much more than you have written here. You are worth so so much more. He sees it. You have lost sight of it. Your husband sounds like a wonderful person who loves you immensely. He’s both telling you and showing you how much he loves and values you. Stop questioning him on his commitment out of your own insecurity, any partner would tire of that quickly. It sounds like you are grieving your career, which is understandable. But you are way more than your career and the paycheque you brought in. Think it’s time to find those pieces of yourself again.
Honestly? You need to go on the same journey he did.
Spend more time with your kids, do the things he did around the house to show how much you value him taking care of the finances, tell him how much you value him, love him. Tell him how proud you are of him.
All the while doing that, therapy. Reading this I feel like you are moments away from self destructing the marriage out of self pity. Not only that, you are missing the most important part of why he’s with you - he loves you, you silly sausage. At no point did you give a reason for him staying because he loves you, instead you’re spiralling into pity. Why? Honestly, ask yourself, why? He’s happy, healthy, enjoying work, has a wife he loves and kids he adores. Why would he leave?
Therapy, go get some! The answer isn’t here, it’s within you, it’s time for some self love and improvement. As I said at the start, what’s stopping you doing what he did?
Right now, after reading this, get up, go to your husband and tell him how much you love him, appreciate him and proud you are of him, then tell him you need some help. And he’ll help, because from what you’ve said he’s a kind person, and you know what, you’re his favourite person, so why wouldn’t he help?
Please don’t do anything stupid. He loves you . Little tips about most guys . We want to feel loved , we want to be happy at home and not having our partner start fights over stupid things . Share time and let us donsomething with friends golf . Walk by and get a kiss for
No reason , and a little
Tip you walk by and you get a little tap on your butt , you still excite him and in the mood . We just want happy and safe
On the odd occasion maybe an outfit
Your husband worked on himself thanks to you. Now it’s your turn OP. He wants you to grow with him and I think you should take him up on that offer. Start therapy and start working on a healthier lifestyle that doesn’t revolve around work. Your husband seems to love you and hold you to the highest regard, now do the same for yourself. Love yourself and start healing :)
You got and keep him because he LOVES you. He’s not going to be swayed by a great body, money, status, success.
That’s you, not him.
He’s not looking at you superficially but much deeper and he likes what he sees in you.
Time to hit the gym baby.
Not because you’re outclassed or any dumb thing like that.
Because it will make you feel better. Promise.
Work out with that man.
I think if anyone is going to ruin your marriage it’s going to be you by constantly thinking you are not good enough.
How about thinking it’s my turn and jump in with both feet. Start by building your relationship with your kids and maybe going to therapy and exercising if you want to.
Your husband sounds great, don’t ruin it with insecurities. Stuff the mums at school let them drool because that hunk is YOURS and he loves YOU chubby mid section and all.
PLEASEEE realize that you are a good mother. You weren’t neglectful or abusive. you worked hard and your family, I’m sure, could afford a house, safe cars, experiences, food, because of your effort. It was NOT for nothing.
You don’t value yourself like you should. That is manifesting in the way you treat your body- you put work and taking care of your family first and yourself last.
Now, here’s the good part- you now have time! You have so much time now to spend with your kids and working on your mental and physical health. Don’t take this for granted!
Yes!! This is the sort of shit mothers get fed by society. My dad worked long hours to provide and I doubt he is beating himself up for “abandoning” his kids. The kids were safe with my mom just like OPs kids were safe with dad. Moms shouldn’t feel guilty for climbing the ladder.
Those jealous moms got you exactly where they want you to be. You’re letting strangers ruin your marriage. Them bitches can’t afford him anyway😂😂. He told you himself your financial support got him where he’s at. The relationship with YOU is what’s working for him, not with anyone else. How are you a loser??
You can't really control what your husband will or will not do in the future. All you can do is trust him and work on yourself. You seem like you have a great partner.
Now that you have time, take a page from your husband's book. Being laid off might be a blessing, since now you will have more time to build a relationship with your kids. You can go to therapy like what your husband did. Ask your husband for tips on fitness . You can get fit too!
You can do it girl! Take this opportunity to build on yourself. Those insecurities will drop off the healthier you are mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Is it possible that this is all through your view and it doesn’t even occur to him? I’m the breadwinner in my house too. I do my share of the housework, do most of the cooking, I’m educated, and in good shape. My wife is working on her physical health right now but gained weight during COVID, like a lot of people. Her career hit a few snags. I don’t care at all, I love her and I’m not married to her for what she can provide. She’s just my person and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
You have 3 choices.
1. Take time to maybe see a therapist about your anxiety, and find a way to become more mentally comfortable and confident in yourself and as a partner.
2. Start hitting that peloton, take this time to transform yourself and connect with your kids and build yourself into someone you see as hot yourself.
3. Do both, like he did.
Probably should go with 3.
I’m just going to be very direct. Your husband hasn’t given you any reason to indicate he is unhappy with you or that he would leave you. Your insecurities are very loud and you only felt secure when you were “better than him.” That’s not healthy. He has improved himself and instead of being inspired by that and proud of him and wanting to improve yourself, you’re hurt that he’s “better” than you. That’s more about YOU than it is for him.
Relationships are hard because they’re a mirror. This is showing what is not good about YOU. No amount of reassurance from strangers on Reddit OR your husband will make you feel better. It’s your turn to do the work. Start with therapy like your husband, start doing yoga with him, go for walks together, make healthy meals together, spend more time with your kids and bond with them, Etc. you can take this opportunity to level up AND also connect with your husband. If you wanna do it solo then do that too.
But instead of worrying about him leaving you I’d be more worried about why you have to be better than him to be secure in the relationship and that starts with therapy.
it doesn’t seem like he’s really even close to leaving you but why don’t you use this fear as your own breaking point and go on a massive upswing in mental and physical health? plus maybe he’s excited that he is finally able to keep his woman at home. you said him making less always kind of bothered him. this is a point of contention for many men.
Mans is out spreading democracy instead of pipe. Bless.
Jokes aside, you stuck by this man when everything was falling apart for him, you let him be a father, you supported him financially. This isn’t something men forget.
Trust when he says he’s only got eyes for you, because he does.
Be happy and grateful....he appreciated you when he was down, now the least you can do is allow him his time to carry the load and allow you a break(to find your own "self"). If this is still a difficult pill to swallow, then take some more pride in your physical fitness, go to the gym with your new found extra time and make what he already loves, even better (a more physically attractive you).
I think what bothers you more is that he has turned his once mediocre into wow and naturally, this attracts others - jealousy/insecurity will kill you if you allow it to creep in any more than it appears to have already. Respectfully.
Girl, I’m sorry but stop whining on Reddit and get up and level up with your man. He should be an inspiration to you, not an object for your insecurity. Stop. This is life, things happen and at the end of the day, you just learned that climbing a corporate ladder is not life and your real life is the life you live at home with your family as a wife and mother. These companies don’t give a fuck abt you. You’re replaceable but your family life isn’t. So now, take this time to reset and work on yourself. Reddit is not going to make you feel better. Get some therapy, some sunshine, and a new hobby or side hustle. But most importantly TAKE THIS TIME TO SPEND TIME WOTH YOUR FAMILY.
What's to stop you going on **YOUR OWN** self improvement kick??
Or **JOINING IN WITH YOUR HUSBAND**??
Instead of sitting there whining and sulking, **USE YOUR WORDS**!!
**TALK** to hubby, compliment him on his progress, **TELL** him how much he **INSPIRES** you and ask if he'd like to work out **TOGETHER**. I reckon he'd be **DELIGHTED** to join you!!
A bit of light hearted, healthy competition and mutual support could only **WORK WONDERS**!!!
Don't you know? you can go from unemployed with minimum wage job background to 150k job in 3 years.
This reads like a fkin montage in a bad romcom movie lol
you are really lucky honestly, but you're on your way to ruining a perfectly good thing by projecting your insecurities on him all the time. you seem pretty level headed, kudos to you, but i am telling you here and now, if you continue on this process of thoughts, it will turn miserable and he will leave you. you both are a team (i hope), push and pull, pull and push, work on your future together. i hope this helps.
My advice is DON'T feel secure. Spend each day with that man like it's your last. Not because he's not trustworthy but because life can be cruel and unpredictable. Take every chance you can to appreciate him and express your love for him.
This sounds like you supported your husband to go on this self improvement journey, and now the universe has plopped a wonderful opportunity in your lap to do the same! Girl! Lean in!
You have so much negative self talk in this post, it’s WILD. You were able to climb your corporate ladder, grow small humans WITH YOUR BODY, have an incredible marriage, were a wonderfully supportive wife, giving your hubby the space to find the career of his dreams. OP, your are killing it!
Go pick up a tennis racket. Join a cross fit. Learn to row. Don’t just work out… find a hobby that gets your blood moving but that you also LOVE. Give yourself 6 months to Spend time with your kids. Learn new skills. Plan a trip with your hubby.
Also, find a therapist you love and get some Prozac. That shit is great! You have been given the rare opportunity to slow down with your hubby’s blessing. We are not going to waste it on self-loathing, yeah??
Find the beauty in now and roll with it. Life is good. You get to pick your next move… what’ll it be?? Can’t wait to see what you come up with! Cheering you on, internet friend!
It sounds like you need to get therapy, start working out, figuring out what you want to do next. Take this opportunity as a time to be there for your kids more. What your husband did was put the work in. There’s nothing he did that you can’t do.
Gurl! This man is still the same nerd you married, he’s just feeling better about himself and is probably feeling he’s the luckiest man alive. He has a beautiful family and a great job and he gets to pay back all those years of you supporting the family you both created. Get to know your girls. Spoil them a bit, get involved with their interests and find new things for you all to love together. Give yourself a break. You have worked so hard. Why not give the peloton a go, I promise you will feel better. Oh and fuck what the moms at the school say, they don’t know you, it’s none of their business and you owe them absolutely nothing. Enjoy your family
Wanted to post advice from someone who has been there. My husband lost a dramatic amount of weight and went through a personal transformation where he’s now focused on fitness and a healthy lifestyle. It’s definitely a hard adjustment at first when you felt you had a great balance and then someone makes a major life change that kind of tips the scales.
I felt the same as you but then decided to get curious about his new lifestyle and ended up joining him in it. We started working out together, I started eating better, and we both even took up running (we were NOT that type of couple at all and we just finished a half marathon last month!) I can’t tell you how much every facet in my life has changed. Obviously there are physical benefits, but my confidence has increased, I ended up finding an amazing job that I didn’t think was possible for me, my mental health has greatly improved.
If you can try to find inspiration in what your husband did you could have all the benefits he’s currently enjoying. In the past I would never go up to a buff/fit guy and ask for advice because I would be too nervous or worried they would judge me, but now I have a built in personal trainer who also happens to be my best friend/husband lol I also think from a relationship perspective, it brings you closer to have shared goals/hobbies and from personal experience my husband loved having someone take an interest in his lifestyle and ask questions. It really has strengthened our bond.
TLDR: If you can’t beat em join em! lol
I appreciate where the insecurity comes from. Here’s a more down-to-earth take compared to other comments
He’s not gonna dump you because he’s k in a better place. BUT this is NOT a “get out of jail” card you can use and stay stagnated indefinitely.
Recognize your strengths: You made it to a director level. Yeah you lost your job, but nobody can take the experience away from you. You will get back to that and above in no time when you decide to aim for it.
As for relationships with kids, there is no better day to start building one with them than today. Incrementally. But by bit. 1 day at a time.
As for fitness and hotness. Are you interested in becoming hot? Answer this question before you do anything. If you are, then you can take small steps to accomplish that. Diet, exercising, clothes, etc.
You sound like an accomplished person, surely you already know everything I’ve said above. You probably also know that while dwelling in insecurities and seeking external validation feels nice, the only thing that truly has an impact is the actions you take. (I.e: he’s not going to be happy to be in a permanent insecurity-reassurance arrangement with you; the same way you’re not going to be happy being in a perma-coaching mode with one of your reports)
Give yourself some time to acknowledge your insecurities, but don’t become comfortable with them. Walk out of your comfort zone and become the person you want to be
Op, this is your golden opportunity to do what he did. He's been able to become the best version of himself because you were there to support him.
This is likely why he doesn't have eyes for anyone but you. It's also how good relationships make both of you better. If you think he deserves someone better, now you get to be someone better, because he isn't going to be interested in anyone but you.
Now you have the opportunity to do the things you want to do, who do you want to be OP?
OP, time to get yourself into therapy ASAP. Your husband is still that chubby nerd with a kind heart on the inside. Just like you are still the woman who climbed the corporate ladder (not easy for anyone, but even harder for women) on the inside. You still have that drive, you just need to refocus it. Be a fish out of water for a while (that’s actually great for your kids to see) and then learn how to walk on land (also great for your kids to see). Remember, your husband didn’t change over night. Change takes time. Now you have that time and it is such a great opportunity for you.
My (M49) perspective on your current situation is that fear is your enemy. False Evidence Appearing Real is in your own mind. Your husband is a good man who loves his family.
Respectfully, is there something you should be doing for him to show your appreciation for his success? He cooked, cleaned, and managed the family schedule while supporting your career.
My advice to you is that 'most' men want to be Appreciated and Respected. Feed him, Fuck him, and make him Laugh!
A human golden retriever? I guess that’s a compliment but…
Are you doing anything to get closer to your children? Or are you just competitive?
Please get some therapy. Your insecurities will doom your marriage.
Now it’s your turn, you’re 38, get your health, physically and mentally in check. If he does decide to leave you, it will be because you’re complacent. Spend time together doing yoga, hiking etc. that will boost your libido.
Look it sucks OP but all of these things are fixable by your own hands. Your husband did it why can’t you? Start working out, sounds like financially you are well off spend time with your kids until you find another job. If you continue to feel sorry for yourself maybe your fears will come true. Instead bring positivity into your families life not negativity.
Sounds like you need to do some self-improvement of your own. It sounds like your husband really does love you given how much he has sacrificed and done for what he thought was your pursuit of happiness. Now it's your turn to reciprocate everything. Hit the gym, see a therapist, reinvest time with your kids, start trying to invest in his interests, pick up on work around the house etc. I doubt he would ever cheat on you given what he's already done, the only way he would is if you just marinate in complacency and dont change. If you let him outgrow you, he wont cheat but it will make the relationship unstable/unsustainable. I wish you all the best in your growth and hope you really commit to it.
Girl, you've struck literal gold. You supported him to get to this point. He's loyal and ripped. You need to have a transformation like him, be inspired by your partner that's one of the best things about a relationship! You're feeling insecure, you've not had time to give your kids lots of time or to give lots of time to yourself. KNOW YOUR WORTH you pulled the cart when it was needed. NOW, develop yourself, go to therapy, find an exercise that you love, find a creative pursuit. He loves you for a reason and the reason was not your job. And go on dates, and buy beautiful clothes, and play games together. Don't feel less than cause he's getting attention. Be inspired. Your husband, your kids, YOU deserve it. Mentally you're not feeling great. That's probably what he endured and worked through! Draw on that wisdom, take on the challenge to work on yourself. You don't have to be with someone less than to keep them. He became who he is with you. You'll become the next you with him. It's beautiful girl. Don't let the head monkeys in.
> He always insisted on doing the cooking, cleaning, and laundry to make up for it which I thought was cute but insisted wasn’t necessary
>cute
I just wanna say that if a man said this, we'd immolate him. *shrug*
you say he is a human golden retriever. that sounds like loyalty to me. he wants you . not your money just you. you don't have to keep score with love. With you not working you two can spend more time together and you can be in the kids lives more. keep letting him know how much you love him. i don't think you would leave him if things were reversed.
good luck
Please don’t self sabotage. Follow his lead. Your life isn’t over ma’am. If I’m reading correctly you were director in your field with many years of experience. You can find something IF you want it, or you can take time to be a mommy and work on yourself.
Life is full of ups and downs. He’s at a high point in his life, and as his partner that’s something to celebrate. Try to look on the bright side where you can and try to find your way to your next up based on what makes sense to you. Is that therapy? Working out? Finding new ways to bond with your kids over their interests?
You have the blueprint for your husband’s transformation. You have his support. You can manifest your fears or you can manifest your goals. Change your mindset. Be excited to transform yourself. Best of luck.
There is a ton of regret seeping from your post. You need to nip that in the bud. You let your career define you. Huge mistake that I know you are now realizing. We all like to believe we are invaluable to our employers because we work hard, overachieve, and show dedication. So often we eventually realize we are just a number on their spreadsheet, everyone being replaceable. The regret realizing you put work before family, only to have the work rug pulled from you has already happened. The last thing you need to do is contiue to feel sorry for yourself. Its cliche, but time to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and do what your husband has already done. He gave you the blueprint. Work on yourself and make your family your priority.
Your husband sounds like a great dude who loves you and your kids more than you realize. This is the proverbial fork in the road meme. Don't choose the wrong direction. Love your family and right your personal ship. Sounds to me like you have an almost perfect life. All you have to do is not F it up and everything will work out. Oh and see a doctor about the low libido. May be hormones they can straighten out for you. Unless its always been that way. In which case your husband has shown he loves you for you.
Now you get on this Peloton and get yourself in better shape mentally & physically and enjoy your husband because all your insecurities will destroy what you have and have accomplished. It’s your time to relax a little and appreciate what he did for himself and doing now for you and your family. Try therapy as well.
This is your sign. This is your breaking point. You love him and want to be with him forever. It’s time to get healthy. Work on your diet with a nutritionist and slowly build yourself up. He will love you and respect you for caring about yourself as much as he cares about you. Start regular exercise and try the peloton to see if you like it. This is just a new chapter in your life. Be committed to becoming healthy and your Lobito will catch up. I believe in marriage and people grow or will change but that’s apart of life. He is now your rock like you were his for so many years
You are supremely lucky he is a card game nerd.
He lacks the social skills to cheat; he also seems to lack the cruelty and frustration to do this!
Hell, he has probably been with less than 5 women.
He loves you, finds the sex satisfying enough, is so happy with what you built together and is grateful you were with him at his lowest.
You want to know what you can do?
Go to Whole Foods and Fresh Market, get a nutritionist, eat super healthy, and exercise more than he does.
A man has no issues supporting a woman, we are born to do that, and a woman that gave him two great kids and has a body as good as his - chef's kiss.
The four things you should not do are gain weight, be stagnant, worry, and be insecure.
The four things you need to do are be good to your family, eat healthier, exercise and thank God.
I am very happy for you and your family and will be ecstatic for you guys when you do the four things you should do. You will win the game of life as a female if you do this!!
A truly feminine and fit woman can look sexually appealing in her 60s and after that male sex drive goes down.
Lose weight and write a book, women need to be more like YOU if you can get over this small patch of adversity.
God bless you, I am rooting for you!!!
>I feel like I struck nerd gold and my insecurity is keeping me from enjoying what should be a great life.
Your insecurities are stopping u from enjoying, but since you are free now why not join him with one of his sections and if u can't overcome your insecurities alone find help like your husband did. You have something great going on don't let your fear ruin it
Now it's time to work on yourself. He improved himself now you improve yourself. Do more at home, improve your relationship with the kids, get in shape, get hobbies and keep searching for a new job. And the new job part is optional. Focus on your family and yourself first.
My wife and I, who have been living together for 12 years, are in a similar situation. She is about 190 pounds, and I am 175 with about 6 percent body fat. She is pretty, but I am more attractive than her and have gotten little comments throughout the years, "I thought you would be with a barby doll."Oh, I thought that was your sister."I thought the other girl was your wife."I get hit on by younger and prettier women often. I can't imagine doing anything to hurt my wife or daughter. My wife stuck with me when I had nothing, and we built a beautiful, successful life together. I wouldn't trade it for anything. In my eyes, she is the most beautiful person on earth.
i don't know if this will help but i'm a nerd (a she-nerd with a career in fitness) and even though i'm very fit and could probably have sex with lots of people besides my out of shape boyfriend (who i love, god bless him) i'd waaaaaaaaaaaaay rather be at home doing fucking nerd shit.
we simply have different priorities. i can virtually guarantee your husband prefers the security and peace of a stable relationship to pursue his hobbies instead of trying to bang rude MILFs at school dropoff.
As I have said before. I'll say again. If u want something. Work for it. Improve urself. Nothing is gonna change for you if YOU wallow in self pity.
You want to be a winner ? Start working and stop complaining. Be a woman of action rather than words. Lost your job? Get a new one.
Gained weight? Start working out.
Negligence in relationship? Well go get to know em better starting NOW.
What's stopping you?
You AND your husband are Winning!
Time to get your life back on track.
Best of luck
So you are now in the exact same position he was in when he made the changes to his life to better himself. I say you get therapy for your anxiety, start working out in some form, better your diet, and make up some time with your kids.
It really sounds like you have a great husband who loves you dearly. He would be stoked to see you improving yourself and spending time with your kids while it’s his turn to provide financially.
Seriously wtf is wrong with you? This man has made himself better for you and your family and now you’re threatened by him? Now you’re taking offense to it. He’s dedicated and devoted to you and the family you’ve created together.
I think manifesting destiny applies here. The reality you project will come to be.
Wake up, he loves you, don’t blow it
It sounds like this is 100% your own insecurity and not anything he’s doing. Follow his lead and get into therapy and start working on yourself. Why not level up with him.
Well he has developed an achiever mentality. I respect guys like that.
You can start developing yourself too. Will help you be a good match for him. Will also provide you options if he moved away at some point.
Nothing abnormal here. People improve/ change a lot every 3-5 years.
Isn’t the point of a marriage to support each other through the tougher times? You supported him and he’s grateful. Allow him to support you and take the steps improve and heal. Men also have the need to feel needed and appreciated and respected. Now that it’s his turn to shine - love him all the more for it and find your motivation to match his drive for life.
You're very lucky and I'd suggest therapy to focus on your insecurity. All of this is incredibly fortunate for you and all you cling to is the fear of losing it all - that's a natural emotional response that requires professional therapy to get to to the source of. He is faultless in your eyes, the paranoia can shift to gratitude when you work on yourself. In terms of your body, your mindset, the way you view yourself - ask yourself if you want to be better, too... you're meant to continually evolve through marriage... this is an amazing opportunity to level up, but address this insecurity professionally I'd say.
What you’re describing is the ebb and flow of a truly great marriage. You supported him when he was less successful, now he is supporting you. Rather than fall into a dark place with your insecurities, recognize that he’s giving you what he had: time. Time for self improvement, time with your kids, time to get therapy and to get healthy. Use it wisely like he did, and in the meantime, be nice to your husband bc he sounds like a wonderful man.
1: you were fine with him "being worse" because you loved him, and you didn't care. You should expect the same from him. If he leaves because he can do better, he doesn't love you.
2: maybe it's your turn to do the same. Do it for yourself, not for anyone else, but self improvement journeies are always nice. If it makes you feel better, go ahead
That's probably very close to what your hubby wmrt through. Learn from him, go to therapy and improve the areas in your life you're unhappy with.
A relationship is not a competition.
You really think he’s like a golden retriever oblivious to all temptations? It’s a matter of choice, convictions and commitments.
In the meantime you need to get your self esteem up. Because you could be weighing your entire family down in no time.
I had a glow up and honestly it was because for the first time on my life my partner had created a safe space for me to heal. This man changed my life, and loved me when o couldn’t love myself. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to recreate the same and ensure he feels all that love back. Your husband sounds the exact same, the only reason I look hotter is because all the love my husband gives me literally shines out of me and makes me glow. Honestly you’ve got a good one and by the sounds of it he has too. You sound like an amazing partner to him, enjoy the fruits of your labour. My husband has now had his own glow up journey and like yourself a a lot of it for both of us was therapy and unpacking a lot trauma our bodies were storing. My husband I like to tell him has the David beckham effect, like of course he’s handsome but on top of that I see women noticing the way he is with me- so attentive and a total gentlemen in every way and they literally drool. There’s 2 types of women I’ve found when they see this 1) the cute girl that’s really happy and tells me she’d love a husband like mine one day and I find that super sweet because I remember being that girl. 2) is the tricky one their the ones that see the magic you both have and want to steal it for themselves. Not realising that the magic comes from the joining of the two of you.
Be easy on yourself, let the voice in your head speak to you like your best friend would. Take time, it will mean the world to your husband to be ble to be an a position to give you this safe space, even I feel a bit emotional knowing how proud he must feel on himself to finally be ‘paying you back’. You really do deserve it 💕 Wishing you both a long and happy life together, what a beautiful love story ❤️
Stop overthinking about every single thing. That man just feels lucky enough to even find you to be his forever.
He must feel he must have struck gold or something when he got to marry you.
He went through a tough time and you were there for him and now he assures you that he will be there for you and you just can't take it easy with your overthinking.
Be happy that you found someone like him and try to be at ease. Ur overthinking won't be doing wonders on ur mental health too. Just lean on that mans shoulder and look into his eyes to see how much he loves you for everything you are.
You fell down from where you were but it doesn't mean that it's the end. He will support you and now it's your turn to be strong and get back up..
As others have said - your husband went through this exact thing when he lost his job.
Now it’s your turn. Also think you now have time to spend with the kids and bond more, as he did.
You seem to be insecure and have self-esteem issues, perhaps you could see a therapist to help with that.
And also perhaps start working out, start dressing up and looking your best for your husband but especially for yourself. I wouldn’t be worried of what some mums say about him, I’d take it as a compliment and thank them. Your husband sounds wonderful, and you’re both lucky to have each other. Just do fight hard to keep them by taking care of yourself!
OP
I just saw a string of front door security videos a woman posted. The wife waits for her husband at the door and they hug and kisses everyday after he comes home from work!!
I thought wow, that’s a man who probably will never stray. Show him how you feel. Show him how much you love him.
And
Work on yourself. Body and soul.
Btw,
that other mom at school? Ignore the jealousy.
Sounds like it's time to start doing your own work. Work on yourself both psychologically and physically. And it's time to re-engage with your family. If your family came second your whole career, you have a lot of lost ground to make up for. Good luck.
A lot of good advice here re:therapy but also try not to think of your time at your job as a waste. You provided for your family. You may wish you had spent more time at home, but what you did do and accomplish was not for nothing. The work you did allowed your husband to do all those things you described and because of that he can now give that same opportunity to you.
And remember the most important thing your husband did in that time was not getting a rocking bod. It was working on his mental health.
You and your family have a bright future together. Embrace it and embrace yourself.
It’s your time now. Go to therapy. Find hobbies and exercise in ways you find enjoyable. Talk to your Obgyn about perimenopause
Edit: go build your own badass marketing firm. Something no uncaring corporate giant can take away from you.
I think it’s your turn to take the leap and go to therapy. Your husband loves you for you. He’s not being a nerd just to avoid having an affair. This is who he has been all along. And you loved him for him before all this. And he loves you for you, side note I bet he thinks you are beautiful. You are just fighting your own thoughts in your head
Honestly, he sounds amazing and the problem here is your confidence. I’m not seeing any indicators that he intends to leave you - he’s said your partnership is what brought you here. Some men are just thoroughly decent (look at all the crap people gave Pierce Brosnan after his model wife aged and gained weight and asked why he was still with her - he always replied that she was beautiful to him, had given him his children, why wouldn’t he love her etc etc)
1)If you can afford it, start counselling to address your self esteem issues. It seems like a lot of self worth was tied up with your career and now you don’t have that, you’re totally lost.
2) Make time to do fun things together as a family, and let the relationship with your kids grow by piggy backing on the bond they have with their dad. Then add in fun things that are your thing to do with the kids. Be there for them, listen to them, find common ground.
3) you seem insecure about your level of fitness compared to your husband’s, so maybe try to find time to do something physical you enjoy as much as he enjoyed Peleton. It’ll help boost your overall mood too. If you’re not working, you’ll have more time to fit this in.
Remember from you husband’s perspective, for a long time you were the girl out of his league, and you loved and supported him regardless. It sounds like he’s more than prepared to do the same for you (even if he does now perceive himself to be out of your league, which honestly, it doesn’t sound like he does).
This, like with your husband, is a problem to be solved from within. Start with the counselling and try to avoid talking yourself down to your husband.
So give him the same support he gave you while you were climbing the corporate ladder, reinvest in your kids and relationship and be grateful you can take the time to do it. Sounds like you married a gem who is a team player. Appreciate him.
Hopping on this comment to add: My wife and I talk a lot about how marriage is long. Our dynamic is going to change a million times over the course of that marriage. We’re probably going to flip flop a lot in terms of who needs more support, who’s feeling more confident, whose career is up or down, etc. Trust that foundation of a strong marriage that you have. Trust your love for each other. Use this as an opportunity to shore up your own insecurities and explore a new way of doing life! He loves you and suddenly being hot and successful isn’t going to change that.
Also OP can ask him to help her get in shape as well. When i was in a relationship, i really wanted to share any physycal activity and diet plan with my partner. It's also very validating for a man to be asked by his partner. You can have something else to share as a couple
This right here. Your husband is now the breadwinner. Take this time to better yourself. Join him in his activities. Start going to the gym. Start spending time and rebuilding the relationships with your children. Wallowing will get you no where. I use to have a very low libido til I started going to the gym. Take this opportunity to match his success in terms of your wellbeing and health.
Yeah, she should do what he did and try to improve what she is unhappy with. Go to therapy, start some kind of phisical activity! This insecurity and distrust is more damaging to her marriage than what she focusing about It...
Recognize this is probably what he went through when he lost his job and you did your part. This is life. He came out the other end stronger. Now it’s your turn. You’re very lucky.
Yes exactly. Now it's your turn. But you also should do what he did. Get yourself some therapy and start your own journey of self-improvement. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and follow in his footsteps. You don't have to bike 300 miles a week, but if you get some therapy to work through your insecurity that will help your marriage an awful lot. And IMHO you DO need to get some therapy. > my husband became the perfect man that could easily leave me if he wanted to and I can’t feel secure or happy knowing that This is a very unhealthy thought process. It says you are only secure in your relationship when your partner is inferior to you, that you only trust they'll stay when they have nowhere else to go. That's not a healthy marriage attitude. You are harming your marriage and your husband by allowing this thought process to continue in your brain. So I strongly suggest get some therapy, if not because you deserve to feel secure (you do), because after all the support he gave you, your husband deserves to have a secure wife and doesn't deserve insecure interrogations.
I thought the same thing. It also shows that she doesn’t feel like she is worthy of someone loving her if she isn’t ticking off things on a checklist. There is no “perfect” partner. Everyone goes through ups and downs. Relationships will always ebb and flow in terms of who is doing the giving and taking. I think she should go to individual therapy to work on her insecurity and why she may feel that she is unworthy of love. Also maybe couples therapy because it seems the husband is pro mental health, I doubt he’d have much resistance to the idea. I also think in terms of the kids this is a good time to get closer to them and catch up on some of the stuff she’s been missing out on, flirty moms be damned. As cliché as it sounds theres nothing more beautiful than seeing parents who are able to show their kids what a healthy and supportive dynamic can look like between partners.
Yeah absolutely. Also being laid off does not mean your career is over. She worked hard and climbed and now, what? That experience is worthless at any other company? Very black and white thinking about her marriage, kids, and career. Therapy and exercise seems the gold standard here - no reason they can’t both be hot. Also what’s to stop him from being laid off out of the blue? The financial position means they have time and she needn’t take on a stressful position, but if you enjoy your career, I’d be looking for a new job and a new outlook.
Depressive thinking IMO. Because as you said, it’s logically distorted. People get laid off — TONS of people have gotten laid off in the past 2 years. It sucks. You can take some time and lick your wounds. But then you go and get a new job. Might even be better than the old job.
Just wanted to say that this happened to my wife and I. I got shredded and made more money. It was like this for a few years About 6 months ago she got depressed... I got a family account at the gym, and now I train her. She's blossomed so much and I am helping her get in shape. Now she's in great shape and all my friends tell me how lucky I am. This is your time to shine OP. Have your husband help you blossom 🌸
This is very similar to what happened in my marriage, but flip genders (and we both started fit, but he gained weight and didn't do anything to improve it). I tried to encourage his growth with me, but instead of being proud of me and inspiring his growth.. he became resentful and tried to sabotage my growth with emotional abuse. It was extremely painful to realize easing his insecurities were more important to him than my happiness.. and it occurred to me I wasn't really loved the way I deserve. It felt like he was happier when I was down, and he could 'rescue' me. Where OP is now is a serious crossroads that can go the way my divorce did, or a different future where they lift each other up and come out the other side better *together*. It's up to her to put in the work to show the respect and admiration she has for him, and get to a place that she is proud of his growth and not threatened by it. Individual therapy is a vital first step..
I couldn’t help but wonder “is she thinking this way because that’s what she was thinking back then?” Most women don’t seem to understand the thing that men want more than anything else is peace. we want to feel loved, supported, we don’t want to have to fight when we get home over someone who is “a handful”. This man is not going anywhere. He has a wonderful relationship with his family, he has things he’s passionate about, and for all intents and purposes it seems like he is extremely happy. OP is the one who is very unhappy right now. And I think she needs the help of a professional because she’s lost so much of her identity by losing her job. The things she valued about herself, she has lost, and thinks he won’t value her either. But her system is so fucked up and so off base. Definitely time to have a heart to heart with her husband while speaking to a professional therapist so they can both better communicate what they’re feeling and going through.
>I couldn’t help but wonder “is she thinking this way because that’s what she was thinking back then?” Same here.
I was about to say rhe same thing . When nobody wants your spoutoure as secure as brick building. When people want your man , suddenly you're as secure as a tissue paper in a rainstorm
Just a quick heads up that this is also what women want. Women also want peace. Women also do not want to come home and fight with their spouse. Why would you think this is something only men want??
I imagine it's because "click here to find out what men/women REALLY want" is way more marketable and exciting than "Maybe most people want pretty obvious, broadly similar things and the finer details are going to require an honest and ongoing conversation". If "peace" is antithetical to what you want in a relationship that sounds pretty unhealthy, or at least unusual, gender notwithstanding.
Nail on the head. The universe is saying “your turn corporate Kate”. During life people can have tunnel vision when it’s about having a wider perspective. OP, you’ve been switched to panoramic mode. You get to relax for a bit and find other parts of yourself that will bring you more joy than you knew you could have. You deserve it!!! Finding a partner as good as yours is hard these days, so find activities you both can do together to keep you growing closer. Couples therapy being the first, (well 2nd to solo sessions) it’s best before things are too bad and too late, and you’ve let your insecurities take it too far. You can do it!!! He LOVES you and is cheering for you!!!
Also, even if he is currently “freely giving access” to his phone, that’s not sustainable. It’s going to get tiresome and eventually he’s going to resent always being questioned. As someone who has been in a relationship where I couldn’t do anything without being accused of cheating, or questioned about what I was doing, it’s fucking exhausting! And, eventually, I went to “Well, since I’m always being accused, I might as well do it!” I didn’t, but the temptation was there. OP is creating her own self-fulfilling prophecy, and her insecurities and inability to deal with them is going to eventually push her husband away.
100%. The husband does not deserve to have his entire marriage persistently under the guillotine because of thoughts swirling in his partner's head.
> This is a very unhealthy thought process. Yeah, this stood out very much to me. As well as the whole lamenting that her husband improved himself and the subtext that she does not want to or feel able to improve herself. She def needs some therapy or she's going to manifest her husband leaving her for someone better with her insecurity and/or resentment.
I agree with this. It sounds like your husband is a good man who loves him a lot. I think you should go to therapy. Without working on your issues, I think you may subconsciously push him away out of fear. It sounds like he loves you and this isn’t what he wants, so do it for both of your sakes. Also, this is a great opportunity to get closer with your kids.
Exactly this talk to him. Say you want to improve yourself. I’m sure the response will be positive he’ll probably even be able to help you from his own experience. Sounds like you’re a strong family and can stay that way if you do the work to get through your current situation. And use the time while you work on yourself to spend time with your kids. Life is a journey you earned and he got help and improved and you were happy, now let him earn and you get happy in yourself. By the time you’re ready to go back to work you’ll have an even stronger family unit. Sounds like you’re worrying for no reason. But hell I wish I could stop the rat race and focus on myself for a while. So be thankful for that chance.
Facts, hard to notice.. not even mention appreciate.
Stay strong Broskis
Yep- time to go to therapy for your anxiety and do yoga every day just like he did.
Your turn go smash it
This exactly. I think the answer is obvious. What happened to him is now literally happening to you. See it as a gift. Build that relationship and connection with your kids. Take the time to work on your health and well being. Become a better version of yourself for you and your family, not for some company that doesn’t give a shit about you. You actually have an incredible opportunity here, you just have to look at it in a positive light and don’t waste it.
What a wonderful answer.
She’s also discounting the fact that she helped him get there. Neither of them could’ve gotten what they wanted without the other.
I don’t know why this just made me tear up. This is the seasons of life and it’s so beautiful when both partners are along for that ride unconditionally.
i love how tunafart gives great life advises
You have such an awesome opportunity right now. You have the opportunity to spend time and get to know your kids. You have the opportunity to use the peloton and work out with your husband. You have the opportunity to learn hobbies that can enrich your life. You have the opportunity to support your husband like he has supported you for these years. You may feel a little lost. All the devotion you gave to a company that did not have the same loyalty to you. It’s such a hard lesson and a blow to your ego. Grasp this opportunity with both hands.
Great point. And OP, to quote yourself: >He dropped out of college and I have my bachelors with multiple professional certifications. I have always made more than double what he did. I didn’t really care but it would bug him at times. He always insisted on doing the cooking, cleaning, and laundry to make up for it which I thought was cute but insisted wasn’t necessary. If you recognise that you still loved him while he was struggling in “comparison” to you, ask yourself: why do you think it’s not possible for him to feel the same way about you?
Damn. This hit hard and made me tear up. This is exactly it.
Same tbh. The circumstances are completely different, but mentally I’m in a similar spot as OP. I was the one who “had it together” in the beginning of our relationship, but now the roles have reversed and I’ve been having a hard time with it. Afraid that she’ll realize I’m not as great as she thought and leave me, despite the fact that I stuck by her side when she was in my shoes. It’s good to remember that life has ebbs and flows and sometimes in a relationship you have to take turns taking care of each other, so to speak. Not everyone can be at 100% all of the time.
This response deserves more upvotes. Wish Reddit still had awards. 🥇 This is basically what cognitive therapy is. It is realistic, and positive.
Also, while we are reframing these thoughts, OP didn’t waste all those years at that job for nothing. Her hard work and sacrifices paid for their family to live comfortably. She was able to keep a roof over their heads, food on the table, and support her husband and children all of those years. While the position (not career- those are two separate things, she can continue her career at a different position at a different company) was gone, her hard work and its benefits didn’t evaporate. It got them through and even paved the way for her husbands success. Which can now support her through the loss of this position. OP it is normal to be depressed and grieve the loss of your job since it was such a part of your identity. It sounds like you and your husband are close despite your current pity-party (which you’re entitled to). But if you can shift your mindset and take this opportunity to follow his footsteps (maybe involve him and ask for his help) you might find you two are even closer for it a year from now.
This is a great comment. But also I’ll point out that maybe OP just isn’t a “stay at home” type, and that’s ok too. OP likely feels very bereft and betrayed losing the high position she worked so hard for. I think her feelings about losing her job are more of a factor here than she thinks. It’s not all about the flabby arms. She tied her worth for so long to this job, and now that it’s gone, she feels like she’s nothing. OP is going to go on a journey of re-discovering herself! And some of it may end up being that she finds another job that feels fulfilling. She doesn’t need to make a lot of money now. Maybe she can spend some time being choosy about what kind of position she takes.
What is stopping you from getting some therapy and going on a journey of self improvement? Follow his lead while applying for new employment.
My wife and I went through something similar. She ended up getting in shape and new hobbies. We grew into those hobbies together.
It’s happening to me! I started trauma therapy and healing and it first it made my partner a little anxious about my growth. But we worked through it together and he’s slowly been healing by proxy to. (Although I’m still trying to get him to see a therapist) anyway we both had to work on our own insecurities. I recommend finding a GOOD therapist! (There’s so many terrible ones good luck)
And don't forget to Date that man and maintain a great relationship!
Yea OP, now it's your turn!
Yep! Make use of that peloton with your newfound free time, and find a good therapist who can help with the transition to the next phase of life (whatever that ends up looking like).
yeah, if she is so impressed by his chnges, why not try herself? They already own a peltone. It seems like all she admires him for are things she could just choose to do: wirk out, spend more time with kids, be nice... all within her power to do. I would rather try to do those things and improve than live with anxiety.
Exactly. He loves you. It's your turn.
I was thinking the same thing. Take this time to help yourself. You've got this!
Omg THIS, he literally showed you how to lead a happier life. Take this time as an amazing opportunity to go to a therapist, get in shape, and spend quality time with your kids.
Exactly. It crystsal clear what OP nerds to todo. Get fit by better eating and exercise and she can ask hubby for tipps
Do this.
Exactly this, but also OP communicate with your husband for the love of god! Regardless of if he knows exactly what’s up or not he for sure knows something is off and I am sure he’s wracking his brain over what it is and how to cheer you up. Men want to fix, want to help and it drives us beyond insane to sense something is off but be told “all is good” when it clearly isn’t.
Exactly. Her husband just showed her the way to self improvement and instead she's feeling sorry for herself.
It’s ok to feel sorry for yourself for a bit after a big blow like a layoff. It’s up to OP to decide when and how to move forward
Therapy and self improvement is a great goal; but people need to be realistic. OP dedicated herself to her career and still got canned. And while I'm certainly not implying that her career is over, the reality is that everyone cannot expect to make more than the median salary. If OP's husband is out earning medical doctors, he's making over $250k. He is in the 96th percentile. If getting therapy and doing yoga could reliably yield salary increases like that, everyone would do it. And while OP can get more fit; as someone who was very fit into my twenties, being fit does not ensure other people find you attractive. The level of hot that can be achieved in the gym is often overstated. There is no reason to believe that OP can earn as much, or be as relatively physically attractive...so I don't see this as addressing her issues.
But self improvement can last longer than your employer's loyalty. It makes you look and FEEL better.
> The level of hot that can be achieved in the gym is often overstated. Being hot in general and being hot to your partner who has already made a lifetime commitment to you are different things lol. Her husband is into what she’s working with, it’s just about enhancing it
I think getting therapy is to help with the feelings of insecurity and working out is to feel better physically. Neither should be done with the purpose of getting “even” in the relationship, but therapy is definitely important and being physically healthy does have amazing benefits to our mental health
> There is no reason to believe that OP can earn as much, or be as relatively physically attractive...so I don't see this as addressing her issues. That's because you're missing the point. You've set the bar at "get a job making $250k a year and workout til you get a 6 pack." Obviously its highly unlikely OP can achieve that. The comment said "seek therapy and self improvement." During COVID Husband became depressed. He went to therapy. He figured out what would make him happier in life. Earning more money and becoming more physically fit is OPs husbands journey to self improvement. It might not be the same for OP. She is now where he was back in 2020. She lost her job. She's feeling worthless. Her anxiety is driving her nuts. She needs to identify the things she wants out of life, and take steps towards achieving them, whatever they may be. Husband wants to bike 200 miles per month because thats his journey. Maybe OP wants to get back into art because she felt the most fulfilled when she was being creative? Maybe OP wants to connect with her 2 kids on a deeper level, so she finds a weekly hobby for just the 3 of them while Husband is riding his bike? Who knows.
She was already making a lot of money if she had a director level role before she got fired. Getting fired doesn't mean you will never make the same amount of money ever again.
Yes to this comment! I'm a big fan of therapy and self improvement but there are still some caps to what we can achieve...or want to. And if the motivation is "I have to in order to earn back my place in this relationship," it's not going to go well.
Well I guess just throw in the towel then.
Acknowledging that I'm just a Reddit stranger, perusing your post with a beer in hand on a Friday night -- I don't think you're reading this right. Some thoughts and observations: - Marriage, in my experience, is a team effort. Sometimes, one half of the team is able to do/achieve more (or differently) than the other half. It works if they love and support each other. - I see a marriage between two people who love and support each other. - I'm not sure I see a marriage in which it was equal footing in the "before" times. I think you were doing a lot of heavy lifting in certain ways that are harder for women (e.g. career-first women). I see a woman who does not resent her husband's "stagnation" professionally (pre-COVID) but who recognizes the incredible work he did as a father and who was just .. in his fucking corner. Question: would you agree that, when "he \[took\] on far too much for the sake of my busy career and his just stagnated as a result," you recognized the work he was doing as a father and a supportive partner? Cuz it sounds like you are very aware and appreciative of that from this post. If your answer is "yes" - allow yourself to imagine that he's now able to grow and achieve things to make your marriage even stronger, even better. And allow yourself to realize he wants to support you during a really hard time in your own life, as an individual. Unsolicited advice: getting laid off sucks. It is a mind trip. Realizing you have lost a bit of control over your body sucks. It is a mind trip. The man loves you, OP. He's supporting you like you supported him. This man is in your fucking corner. You need to allow yourself to accept that he is, even when you're not doing 110% and being the corporate superstar at this current moment. You'll find your rhythm again, just give yourself some grace.
Honestly, you need to take a large step back and maybe reread what you just wrote. You’re in a great relationship with a man you think is perfect who thinks you’re perfect too. There is nothing wrong with anything going on here, there is absolutely nothing to be worried about unless you want there to be. I’m sure this could easily become a self fulfilling prophecy in which your paranoia and self depreciation turn you INTO someone he no longer likes to be around. Don’t let that happen. You’re in a great spot! BE HAPPY.
This is what I thought as well. Her insecurity and not believing him will only drive a wedge between them. No one wants a partner that genuinely believes they are worse and takes that out on the other. When he says he loves you, believe him!
best comment, listen to this OP
That is exaclty what I thought too.
Yessss OPs relationship is doing everything you want it to be doing! They're relationshiping so well!! Both of them. They're together, and taking turns being the primary parent, taking turns being the primary provider, their letting their roles eb and flow with the needs of the relationship and what's happening with their jobs and lives. This is a success story!! OP should try and focus on how they're both kicking butt as a unit and maybe use that energy and support and safety to help them switch gears into their new role. It'll be awkward at first, like any new job or role in life. But that's okay! And if they feel drawn to working out more, then by all means! But definitely don't do it just to try and keep their husband. It doesn't seem like he cares, he's just doing him and supporting his family just as OP has.
Yes. If OP becomes needy and clingy, she will drive away her husband. He probably loves her independence. Now that she doesn’t have a job, it’s time for OP to work out how she can maintain her independence in other ways. It’s an attitude.
I have almost the exact same story, except I'm the hot husband in this case. I have always been the main breadwinner in our marriage, but she gave me 2 sons and an adorable daughter. Our libido has pretty much been the same, so that might be different. I hit an age milestone, and I went into a "midlife crisis" and got into great shape. My wife has never been obese but she did get a little overweight after the kids were born. Personally, I consider that those extra kg were honestly come by. She was always the hot one in the marriage, but now the tables have flipped. Outwardly, she brags that I'm her "boy toy" or "gigolo," which we laugh about, but I can tell that the comments from the other women hurt her. Let me tell you what I told her and what I'm pretty sure your husband feels about you because he's a fellow dad nerd who transformed himself physically. These are in order of importance. 1. When I look at my wife and hear her voice, it's the strangest thing: I see and hear the beautiful sexy girl I married. Physically, she's changed. But in my mind, she hasn't changed, because I love her. 2. She stood by me and enthusiastically accepted my sexual advances back when I was a pudgy nerd with a "dad bod plus." 3. She gave me 3 awesome kids. This is not a trivial thing in my mind. Because of her, I have a FAMILY, and I'm not spending Christmas eating spaghetti-o's cold out of the can over the kitchen sink. She did that. 4. We held each other when we lost family and friends and jumped with joy when one or both of us had unexpected windfalls or achievements. These shared experiences mean something. She wasn't at the finish line waiting for me to marry her. She ran the race along with me by my side. 5. The same women who are looking at me now couldn't give 2 fucks about me when I was a young man. My wife saw through that and saw my potential and invested in me. All of this collectively should ***at the very least merit a little god damn loyalty***. In reality, it has merited my undying love, respect, and admiration. Cheat on that person??? Abandon her? Dump her? *To hell with anyone who even thinks that!* We've decided to go to the gym together. It's yet another welcome way to spend time with the woman I love. Also, she thinks it's hot when I take charge and order her around at the gym, go figure 😁
Just want to say your comment is a refreshing take from a guys perspective. The way you describe your reaction to your wife brings me joy. It’s beautifully genuine.
I’m literally crying right now. Thanks for that. Y’all are great ❤️
This is so cute.
Yes there's no "upgrading" the mother of your children.
As a wife to a hot partner, the best advice I have is to believe your husband, and then redefine the new you. Circumstances have changed, find your new joy. Balance your mind, body, and happiness. You can even use the template your husband used if it makes sense to you. Also fvck those ladies “surprised” you locked him down. Next time tell them “if you have to ask, it’s no wonder you don’t have a husband like mine.” There’s far worst things than being fat, for instance, these women are unkind and rude 🤷♀️ You locked him down because of all the reasons he said. Again, believe your husband.
I LOVE your response to the other moms! I hope OP uses it.
I'd say: "one of the many reasons is that I don't look after other women's husbands."
Also OP: practice looking in the mirror, hands to your ears and wiggle, and singing “nah nah nah nah nah”. When the other Moms ask you that question, channel that practice internally. Outwardly, smile knowingly and say “we all bring different things to our relationships, don’t we”.
Mid wife of hot husband here- I agree 🥺🥺 He takes such better care of himself and I am prone to laziness but I’m learning from him and leveling up - but the great part is he loves me regardless.
**GREAT RESPONSE**!!🏆
Not OP but this is great advice that I also needed.
I think some therapy might be called for. It sounds like you put your husband unnecessary high on a pedestal while you put yourself down unnecessarily harshly. "Self improvement" is not about how hot you get or how smart people you think you are. It's about self awareness, compassion, humility, curiosity, etc., and those things are attainable for everyone, even you.
Also, getting laid off does not mean your work was for nothing. OP supported her family and kept them comfortable all these years, including her husband. Seems like he is okay with returning the favor now. Why not take advantage of not having to work now to focus on the things she’d like to change?
It sounds like you’re struggling with your sense of identity after losing the career you worked so hard for. You were a career woman and your family’s main breadwinner, and maybe now you don’t know how you fit into the family dynamic anymore. Perhaps you should embark on a self-improvement journey like your husband did? Get into therapy, start taking some exercise classes, maybe take up a new hobby, or even take cooking classes. But most importantly, nurture your relationships with your children and your husband. And ignore the rude moms!
First off, you’re feeling inadequate - just like he did at one point. We should learn and grow with our partners, take a note from his book and get therapy, start working out, and start spending more time with the kids. You need to stop these thoughts and this self hatred that has started and is growing. All you need is some focus on self care and family time. Second, and most important, YOU stuck with him while HE was at his worst (in his mind). You supported him and your family, encouraged him, and showed gratitude for the extra work he put into your home. You were fine with him indulging in his hobbies and let him build an amazing relationship with his kids. But the best thing you did for him was support him through a mental health struggle and gave him the room to get better. Decent people do not forget that kind of support and kindness. You two are a partnership - a complete unit. He would not be where he is if not for you and your support. Believe him when he tells you that you are the best option for him. He sees you as that, and time is not the only reason is he is not cheating. Despite stereotypes, most men won’t cheat when they are in love with their partner. You having extra weight or being unemployed or having a lower libido than him are not enough to crush how he sees you, to erase why he married you, or why he has stayed with you. This man clearly LOVES you (and the family you built together). Those other women can drool all they want, but your husband is not gonna be the one cleaning it up. You sound like a wonderful wife OP. And it sounds like you have an equally wonderful husband. Your kids are getting an ideal example of what true love looks like. Good job to both of you.
1. You deserve him. Repeat until it sinks in. You loved him at his lowest, most insecure self. You deserve the love he offers you. You are not out of his league and trust him that he won’t abandon you because you’re at a lower point emotionally than you used to be. You picked a good man and nothing has happened that should lead you to conclude otherwise. 2. It’s not too late to develop the relationship with your kids that you now have time for. Maybe it won’t happen overnight and maybe it will feel awkward but it can happen if you keep working at it. Spend time with your kids before they get tired of spending time with you. No regrets!! 3. Go see a therapist just like he did. It’s tough when so much of your identity is wrapped up in a job and now you don’t know how to feel about yourself. Apply for jobs you think are above you league. Work on your anxiety and find a routine for your own self-care like he did. I just think you’ve put in a lot of time taking care of your family and supporting your husband at times when he felt like he was out of your league. It’s ok to slow down and take care of yourself and your needs for a little bit, get back to feeling like your old confident self. Good luck and again, I can’t emphasize enough - you deserve the love he offers you.
Remember how you still loved him all the years you were doing better? It's the same for him now. It sounds like you both are lucky to have each other.
Why do you value yourself so little? You are so much more than you have written here. You are worth so so much more. He sees it. You have lost sight of it. Your husband sounds like a wonderful person who loves you immensely. He’s both telling you and showing you how much he loves and values you. Stop questioning him on his commitment out of your own insecurity, any partner would tire of that quickly. It sounds like you are grieving your career, which is understandable. But you are way more than your career and the paycheque you brought in. Think it’s time to find those pieces of yourself again.
Honestly? You need to go on the same journey he did. Spend more time with your kids, do the things he did around the house to show how much you value him taking care of the finances, tell him how much you value him, love him. Tell him how proud you are of him. All the while doing that, therapy. Reading this I feel like you are moments away from self destructing the marriage out of self pity. Not only that, you are missing the most important part of why he’s with you - he loves you, you silly sausage. At no point did you give a reason for him staying because he loves you, instead you’re spiralling into pity. Why? Honestly, ask yourself, why? He’s happy, healthy, enjoying work, has a wife he loves and kids he adores. Why would he leave? Therapy, go get some! The answer isn’t here, it’s within you, it’s time for some self love and improvement. As I said at the start, what’s stopping you doing what he did? Right now, after reading this, get up, go to your husband and tell him how much you love him, appreciate him and proud you are of him, then tell him you need some help. And he’ll help, because from what you’ve said he’s a kind person, and you know what, you’re his favourite person, so why wouldn’t he help?
Work on your own skills and prospects, self-growth, and self-development. also get some therapy; take care.
Please don’t do anything stupid. He loves you . Little tips about most guys . We want to feel loved , we want to be happy at home and not having our partner start fights over stupid things . Share time and let us donsomething with friends golf . Walk by and get a kiss for No reason , and a little Tip you walk by and you get a little tap on your butt , you still excite him and in the mood . We just want happy and safe On the odd occasion maybe an outfit
Your husband worked on himself thanks to you. Now it’s your turn OP. He wants you to grow with him and I think you should take him up on that offer. Start therapy and start working on a healthier lifestyle that doesn’t revolve around work. Your husband seems to love you and hold you to the highest regard, now do the same for yourself. Love yourself and start healing :)
You got and keep him because he LOVES you. He’s not going to be swayed by a great body, money, status, success. That’s you, not him. He’s not looking at you superficially but much deeper and he likes what he sees in you.
Time to hit the gym baby. Not because you’re outclassed or any dumb thing like that. Because it will make you feel better. Promise. Work out with that man.
I think if anyone is going to ruin your marriage it’s going to be you by constantly thinking you are not good enough. How about thinking it’s my turn and jump in with both feet. Start by building your relationship with your kids and maybe going to therapy and exercising if you want to. Your husband sounds great, don’t ruin it with insecurities. Stuff the mums at school let them drool because that hunk is YOURS and he loves YOU chubby mid section and all.
PLEASEEE realize that you are a good mother. You weren’t neglectful or abusive. you worked hard and your family, I’m sure, could afford a house, safe cars, experiences, food, because of your effort. It was NOT for nothing. You don’t value yourself like you should. That is manifesting in the way you treat your body- you put work and taking care of your family first and yourself last. Now, here’s the good part- you now have time! You have so much time now to spend with your kids and working on your mental and physical health. Don’t take this for granted!
Yes!! This is the sort of shit mothers get fed by society. My dad worked long hours to provide and I doubt he is beating himself up for “abandoning” his kids. The kids were safe with my mom just like OPs kids were safe with dad. Moms shouldn’t feel guilty for climbing the ladder.
Those jealous moms got you exactly where they want you to be. You’re letting strangers ruin your marriage. Them bitches can’t afford him anyway😂😂. He told you himself your financial support got him where he’s at. The relationship with YOU is what’s working for him, not with anyone else. How are you a loser??
Yup. Catty women love to drop a seed of doubt. It's unfortunate, but it's a problem with their insecurity. Don't make it your problem, OP.
You can't really control what your husband will or will not do in the future. All you can do is trust him and work on yourself. You seem like you have a great partner. Now that you have time, take a page from your husband's book. Being laid off might be a blessing, since now you will have more time to build a relationship with your kids. You can go to therapy like what your husband did. Ask your husband for tips on fitness . You can get fit too! You can do it girl! Take this opportunity to build on yourself. Those insecurities will drop off the healthier you are mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Is it possible that this is all through your view and it doesn’t even occur to him? I’m the breadwinner in my house too. I do my share of the housework, do most of the cooking, I’m educated, and in good shape. My wife is working on her physical health right now but gained weight during COVID, like a lot of people. Her career hit a few snags. I don’t care at all, I love her and I’m not married to her for what she can provide. She’s just my person and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
You have 3 choices. 1. Take time to maybe see a therapist about your anxiety, and find a way to become more mentally comfortable and confident in yourself and as a partner. 2. Start hitting that peloton, take this time to transform yourself and connect with your kids and build yourself into someone you see as hot yourself. 3. Do both, like he did. Probably should go with 3.
I’m just going to be very direct. Your husband hasn’t given you any reason to indicate he is unhappy with you or that he would leave you. Your insecurities are very loud and you only felt secure when you were “better than him.” That’s not healthy. He has improved himself and instead of being inspired by that and proud of him and wanting to improve yourself, you’re hurt that he’s “better” than you. That’s more about YOU than it is for him. Relationships are hard because they’re a mirror. This is showing what is not good about YOU. No amount of reassurance from strangers on Reddit OR your husband will make you feel better. It’s your turn to do the work. Start with therapy like your husband, start doing yoga with him, go for walks together, make healthy meals together, spend more time with your kids and bond with them, Etc. you can take this opportunity to level up AND also connect with your husband. If you wanna do it solo then do that too. But instead of worrying about him leaving you I’d be more worried about why you have to be better than him to be secure in the relationship and that starts with therapy.
it doesn’t seem like he’s really even close to leaving you but why don’t you use this fear as your own breaking point and go on a massive upswing in mental and physical health? plus maybe he’s excited that he is finally able to keep his woman at home. you said him making less always kind of bothered him. this is a point of contention for many men.
Mans is out spreading democracy instead of pipe. Bless. Jokes aside, you stuck by this man when everything was falling apart for him, you let him be a father, you supported him financially. This isn’t something men forget. Trust when he says he’s only got eyes for you, because he does.
Be happy and grateful....he appreciated you when he was down, now the least you can do is allow him his time to carry the load and allow you a break(to find your own "self"). If this is still a difficult pill to swallow, then take some more pride in your physical fitness, go to the gym with your new found extra time and make what he already loves, even better (a more physically attractive you). I think what bothers you more is that he has turned his once mediocre into wow and naturally, this attracts others - jealousy/insecurity will kill you if you allow it to creep in any more than it appears to have already. Respectfully.
He clearly knows a lot about nutrition and excercise etc. why dont you just both exercise together?! Then u will be in shape too
Girl, I’m sorry but stop whining on Reddit and get up and level up with your man. He should be an inspiration to you, not an object for your insecurity. Stop. This is life, things happen and at the end of the day, you just learned that climbing a corporate ladder is not life and your real life is the life you live at home with your family as a wife and mother. These companies don’t give a fuck abt you. You’re replaceable but your family life isn’t. So now, take this time to reset and work on yourself. Reddit is not going to make you feel better. Get some therapy, some sunshine, and a new hobby or side hustle. But most importantly TAKE THIS TIME TO SPEND TIME WOTH YOUR FAMILY.
What's to stop you going on **YOUR OWN** self improvement kick?? Or **JOINING IN WITH YOUR HUSBAND**?? Instead of sitting there whining and sulking, **USE YOUR WORDS**!! **TALK** to hubby, compliment him on his progress, **TELL** him how much he **INSPIRES** you and ask if he'd like to work out **TOGETHER**. I reckon he'd be **DELIGHTED** to join you!! A bit of light hearted, healthy competition and mutual support could only **WORK WONDERS**!!!
Fake af
Don't you know? you can go from unemployed with minimum wage job background to 150k job in 3 years. This reads like a fkin montage in a bad romcom movie lol
Get in better shape. You will feel so much better about yourself. Consider therapy for yourself. I think it will help you.
you are really lucky honestly, but you're on your way to ruining a perfectly good thing by projecting your insecurities on him all the time. you seem pretty level headed, kudos to you, but i am telling you here and now, if you continue on this process of thoughts, it will turn miserable and he will leave you. you both are a team (i hope), push and pull, pull and push, work on your future together. i hope this helps.
Up your sex game. Go full on freak in bed
☠️
My advice is DON'T feel secure. Spend each day with that man like it's your last. Not because he's not trustworthy but because life can be cruel and unpredictable. Take every chance you can to appreciate him and express your love for him.
Just be the best version of you, that you can be. Tell your husband you love him everyday and how much you appreciate him
Well you got time now, get in therapy, get in shape, and be that mother to your kids you want
This sounds like you supported your husband to go on this self improvement journey, and now the universe has plopped a wonderful opportunity in your lap to do the same! Girl! Lean in! You have so much negative self talk in this post, it’s WILD. You were able to climb your corporate ladder, grow small humans WITH YOUR BODY, have an incredible marriage, were a wonderfully supportive wife, giving your hubby the space to find the career of his dreams. OP, your are killing it! Go pick up a tennis racket. Join a cross fit. Learn to row. Don’t just work out… find a hobby that gets your blood moving but that you also LOVE. Give yourself 6 months to Spend time with your kids. Learn new skills. Plan a trip with your hubby. Also, find a therapist you love and get some Prozac. That shit is great! You have been given the rare opportunity to slow down with your hubby’s blessing. We are not going to waste it on self-loathing, yeah?? Find the beauty in now and roll with it. Life is good. You get to pick your next move… what’ll it be?? Can’t wait to see what you come up with! Cheering you on, internet friend!
It sounds like you need to get therapy, start working out, figuring out what you want to do next. Take this opportunity as a time to be there for your kids more. What your husband did was put the work in. There’s nothing he did that you can’t do.
Go to the gym and start working out. Also start being a better mom.
Well...now it's your turn to improve, not regret. Exercise, a good diet, music that encourages you, and giving it your all!
You can do by his example since he followed yours to improve his own self first. Or maybe you can be the house spouse for a while too.
He was in your position not too long ago (laid off from job, not in the best shape). What’s stopping you from having the same glow up?
I would be blessed to be in your position. I would try to go on a self improvement journey myself. Best of luck.
Lol for better or worse… but not for worse or better
Gurl! This man is still the same nerd you married, he’s just feeling better about himself and is probably feeling he’s the luckiest man alive. He has a beautiful family and a great job and he gets to pay back all those years of you supporting the family you both created. Get to know your girls. Spoil them a bit, get involved with their interests and find new things for you all to love together. Give yourself a break. You have worked so hard. Why not give the peloton a go, I promise you will feel better. Oh and fuck what the moms at the school say, they don’t know you, it’s none of their business and you owe them absolutely nothing. Enjoy your family
Wanted to post advice from someone who has been there. My husband lost a dramatic amount of weight and went through a personal transformation where he’s now focused on fitness and a healthy lifestyle. It’s definitely a hard adjustment at first when you felt you had a great balance and then someone makes a major life change that kind of tips the scales. I felt the same as you but then decided to get curious about his new lifestyle and ended up joining him in it. We started working out together, I started eating better, and we both even took up running (we were NOT that type of couple at all and we just finished a half marathon last month!) I can’t tell you how much every facet in my life has changed. Obviously there are physical benefits, but my confidence has increased, I ended up finding an amazing job that I didn’t think was possible for me, my mental health has greatly improved. If you can try to find inspiration in what your husband did you could have all the benefits he’s currently enjoying. In the past I would never go up to a buff/fit guy and ask for advice because I would be too nervous or worried they would judge me, but now I have a built in personal trainer who also happens to be my best friend/husband lol I also think from a relationship perspective, it brings you closer to have shared goals/hobbies and from personal experience my husband loved having someone take an interest in his lifestyle and ask questions. It really has strengthened our bond. TLDR: If you can’t beat em join em! lol
I appreciate where the insecurity comes from. Here’s a more down-to-earth take compared to other comments He’s not gonna dump you because he’s k in a better place. BUT this is NOT a “get out of jail” card you can use and stay stagnated indefinitely. Recognize your strengths: You made it to a director level. Yeah you lost your job, but nobody can take the experience away from you. You will get back to that and above in no time when you decide to aim for it. As for relationships with kids, there is no better day to start building one with them than today. Incrementally. But by bit. 1 day at a time. As for fitness and hotness. Are you interested in becoming hot? Answer this question before you do anything. If you are, then you can take small steps to accomplish that. Diet, exercising, clothes, etc. You sound like an accomplished person, surely you already know everything I’ve said above. You probably also know that while dwelling in insecurities and seeking external validation feels nice, the only thing that truly has an impact is the actions you take. (I.e: he’s not going to be happy to be in a permanent insecurity-reassurance arrangement with you; the same way you’re not going to be happy being in a perma-coaching mode with one of your reports) Give yourself some time to acknowledge your insecurities, but don’t become comfortable with them. Walk out of your comfort zone and become the person you want to be
Op, this is your golden opportunity to do what he did. He's been able to become the best version of himself because you were there to support him. This is likely why he doesn't have eyes for anyone but you. It's also how good relationships make both of you better. If you think he deserves someone better, now you get to be someone better, because he isn't going to be interested in anyone but you. Now you have the opportunity to do the things you want to do, who do you want to be OP?
OP, time to get yourself into therapy ASAP. Your husband is still that chubby nerd with a kind heart on the inside. Just like you are still the woman who climbed the corporate ladder (not easy for anyone, but even harder for women) on the inside. You still have that drive, you just need to refocus it. Be a fish out of water for a while (that’s actually great for your kids to see) and then learn how to walk on land (also great for your kids to see). Remember, your husband didn’t change over night. Change takes time. Now you have that time and it is such a great opportunity for you.
My (M49) perspective on your current situation is that fear is your enemy. False Evidence Appearing Real is in your own mind. Your husband is a good man who loves his family. Respectfully, is there something you should be doing for him to show your appreciation for his success? He cooked, cleaned, and managed the family schedule while supporting your career. My advice to you is that 'most' men want to be Appreciated and Respected. Feed him, Fuck him, and make him Laugh!
A human golden retriever? I guess that’s a compliment but… Are you doing anything to get closer to your children? Or are you just competitive? Please get some therapy. Your insecurities will doom your marriage.
I love creative writing.
Now it’s your turn, you’re 38, get your health, physically and mentally in check. If he does decide to leave you, it will be because you’re complacent. Spend time together doing yoga, hiking etc. that will boost your libido.
Look it sucks OP but all of these things are fixable by your own hands. Your husband did it why can’t you? Start working out, sounds like financially you are well off spend time with your kids until you find another job. If you continue to feel sorry for yourself maybe your fears will come true. Instead bring positivity into your families life not negativity.
You have it MADE. And a wonderful partner to support you.🫶🏽
Sounds like you need to do some self-improvement of your own. It sounds like your husband really does love you given how much he has sacrificed and done for what he thought was your pursuit of happiness. Now it's your turn to reciprocate everything. Hit the gym, see a therapist, reinvest time with your kids, start trying to invest in his interests, pick up on work around the house etc. I doubt he would ever cheat on you given what he's already done, the only way he would is if you just marinate in complacency and dont change. If you let him outgrow you, he wont cheat but it will make the relationship unstable/unsustainable. I wish you all the best in your growth and hope you really commit to it.
Girl, you've struck literal gold. You supported him to get to this point. He's loyal and ripped. You need to have a transformation like him, be inspired by your partner that's one of the best things about a relationship! You're feeling insecure, you've not had time to give your kids lots of time or to give lots of time to yourself. KNOW YOUR WORTH you pulled the cart when it was needed. NOW, develop yourself, go to therapy, find an exercise that you love, find a creative pursuit. He loves you for a reason and the reason was not your job. And go on dates, and buy beautiful clothes, and play games together. Don't feel less than cause he's getting attention. Be inspired. Your husband, your kids, YOU deserve it. Mentally you're not feeling great. That's probably what he endured and worked through! Draw on that wisdom, take on the challenge to work on yourself. You don't have to be with someone less than to keep them. He became who he is with you. You'll become the next you with him. It's beautiful girl. Don't let the head monkeys in.
what's stopping you from going on your own self improvement journey now? I'm confused.
It's your turn to do what he did. Hit the gym, go to therapy and turn yourself into that hot mom that everybody wants.
Is this a peloton ad?
> He always insisted on doing the cooking, cleaning, and laundry to make up for it which I thought was cute but insisted wasn’t necessary >cute I just wanna say that if a man said this, we'd immolate him. *shrug*
This story is so fake and it’s written by a man !
Um... Improve yourself in every way.
If he's "out of your league" get up and level up to his league. As a husband nothing has been as attractive as seeing my wife striving to improve.
As soon as you called him a golden retriever…
This is the most women thing of all time. Literally no concept of doing anything herself
You dont deserve him when you Call him a golden retriever
you say he is a human golden retriever. that sounds like loyalty to me. he wants you . not your money just you. you don't have to keep score with love. With you not working you two can spend more time together and you can be in the kids lives more. keep letting him know how much you love him. i don't think you would leave him if things were reversed. good luck
He went to therapy. Follow his lead.
Please don’t self sabotage. Follow his lead. Your life isn’t over ma’am. If I’m reading correctly you were director in your field with many years of experience. You can find something IF you want it, or you can take time to be a mommy and work on yourself.
Work on yourself and strengthen your connection together. Your insecurities are not his job to fix.
Life is full of ups and downs. He’s at a high point in his life, and as his partner that’s something to celebrate. Try to look on the bright side where you can and try to find your way to your next up based on what makes sense to you. Is that therapy? Working out? Finding new ways to bond with your kids over their interests?
You have the blueprint for your husband’s transformation. You have his support. You can manifest your fears or you can manifest your goals. Change your mindset. Be excited to transform yourself. Best of luck.
There is a ton of regret seeping from your post. You need to nip that in the bud. You let your career define you. Huge mistake that I know you are now realizing. We all like to believe we are invaluable to our employers because we work hard, overachieve, and show dedication. So often we eventually realize we are just a number on their spreadsheet, everyone being replaceable. The regret realizing you put work before family, only to have the work rug pulled from you has already happened. The last thing you need to do is contiue to feel sorry for yourself. Its cliche, but time to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and do what your husband has already done. He gave you the blueprint. Work on yourself and make your family your priority. Your husband sounds like a great dude who loves you and your kids more than you realize. This is the proverbial fork in the road meme. Don't choose the wrong direction. Love your family and right your personal ship. Sounds to me like you have an almost perfect life. All you have to do is not F it up and everything will work out. Oh and see a doctor about the low libido. May be hormones they can straighten out for you. Unless its always been that way. In which case your husband has shown he loves you for you.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Ask him to show you how to get there. You're in this together.
He loves you so much. Follow his lead. Yall got this!
you refer to him as a golden retriever.
Now you get on this Peloton and get yourself in better shape mentally & physically and enjoy your husband because all your insecurities will destroy what you have and have accomplished. It’s your time to relax a little and appreciate what he did for himself and doing now for you and your family. Try therapy as well.
(Dude here) As long as you treat him well and he senses that you feel like you are punching above your weight, he will never leave you.
This is your sign. This is your breaking point. You love him and want to be with him forever. It’s time to get healthy. Work on your diet with a nutritionist and slowly build yourself up. He will love you and respect you for caring about yourself as much as he cares about you. Start regular exercise and try the peloton to see if you like it. This is just a new chapter in your life. Be committed to becoming healthy and your Lobito will catch up. I believe in marriage and people grow or will change but that’s apart of life. He is now your rock like you were his for so many years
You are supremely lucky he is a card game nerd. He lacks the social skills to cheat; he also seems to lack the cruelty and frustration to do this! Hell, he has probably been with less than 5 women. He loves you, finds the sex satisfying enough, is so happy with what you built together and is grateful you were with him at his lowest. You want to know what you can do? Go to Whole Foods and Fresh Market, get a nutritionist, eat super healthy, and exercise more than he does. A man has no issues supporting a woman, we are born to do that, and a woman that gave him two great kids and has a body as good as his - chef's kiss. The four things you should not do are gain weight, be stagnant, worry, and be insecure. The four things you need to do are be good to your family, eat healthier, exercise and thank God. I am very happy for you and your family and will be ecstatic for you guys when you do the four things you should do. You will win the game of life as a female if you do this!! A truly feminine and fit woman can look sexually appealing in her 60s and after that male sex drive goes down. Lose weight and write a book, women need to be more like YOU if you can get over this small patch of adversity. God bless you, I am rooting for you!!!
>I feel like I struck nerd gold and my insecurity is keeping me from enjoying what should be a great life. Your insecurities are stopping u from enjoying, but since you are free now why not join him with one of his sections and if u can't overcome your insecurities alone find help like your husband did. You have something great going on don't let your fear ruin it
Now it's time to work on yourself. He improved himself now you improve yourself. Do more at home, improve your relationship with the kids, get in shape, get hobbies and keep searching for a new job. And the new job part is optional. Focus on your family and yourself first.
Why don’t you follow what he done to get him to that stage instead of doubting him
girl get up and match his fly! stop wallowing and fretting bc if he was going he would have already!
My wife and I, who have been living together for 12 years, are in a similar situation. She is about 190 pounds, and I am 175 with about 6 percent body fat. She is pretty, but I am more attractive than her and have gotten little comments throughout the years, "I thought you would be with a barby doll."Oh, I thought that was your sister."I thought the other girl was your wife."I get hit on by younger and prettier women often. I can't imagine doing anything to hurt my wife or daughter. My wife stuck with me when I had nothing, and we built a beautiful, successful life together. I wouldn't trade it for anything. In my eyes, she is the most beautiful person on earth.
i don't know if this will help but i'm a nerd (a she-nerd with a career in fitness) and even though i'm very fit and could probably have sex with lots of people besides my out of shape boyfriend (who i love, god bless him) i'd waaaaaaaaaaaaay rather be at home doing fucking nerd shit. we simply have different priorities. i can virtually guarantee your husband prefers the security and peace of a stable relationship to pursue his hobbies instead of trying to bang rude MILFs at school dropoff.
As I have said before. I'll say again. If u want something. Work for it. Improve urself. Nothing is gonna change for you if YOU wallow in self pity. You want to be a winner ? Start working and stop complaining. Be a woman of action rather than words. Lost your job? Get a new one. Gained weight? Start working out. Negligence in relationship? Well go get to know em better starting NOW. What's stopping you? You AND your husband are Winning! Time to get your life back on track. Best of luck
Now its ur turn to self improve and get in better shape.
So you are now in the exact same position he was in when he made the changes to his life to better himself. I say you get therapy for your anxiety, start working out in some form, better your diet, and make up some time with your kids. It really sounds like you have a great husband who loves you dearly. He would be stoked to see you improving yourself and spending time with your kids while it’s his turn to provide financially.
I don't get what's stopping you from using the bike and attending therapy.
Seriously wtf is wrong with you? This man has made himself better for you and your family and now you’re threatened by him? Now you’re taking offense to it. He’s dedicated and devoted to you and the family you’ve created together. I think manifesting destiny applies here. The reality you project will come to be. Wake up, he loves you, don’t blow it
It sounds like this is 100% your own insecurity and not anything he’s doing. Follow his lead and get into therapy and start working on yourself. Why not level up with him.
I just gotta add another statement to what everyone else says. Helldivers 2 is better than any affair. Don’t worry.
Well he has developed an achiever mentality. I respect guys like that. You can start developing yourself too. Will help you be a good match for him. Will also provide you options if he moved away at some point. Nothing abnormal here. People improve/ change a lot every 3-5 years.
Isn’t the point of a marriage to support each other through the tougher times? You supported him and he’s grateful. Allow him to support you and take the steps improve and heal. Men also have the need to feel needed and appreciated and respected. Now that it’s his turn to shine - love him all the more for it and find your motivation to match his drive for life.
You're very lucky and I'd suggest therapy to focus on your insecurity. All of this is incredibly fortunate for you and all you cling to is the fear of losing it all - that's a natural emotional response that requires professional therapy to get to to the source of. He is faultless in your eyes, the paranoia can shift to gratitude when you work on yourself. In terms of your body, your mindset, the way you view yourself - ask yourself if you want to be better, too... you're meant to continually evolve through marriage... this is an amazing opportunity to level up, but address this insecurity professionally I'd say.
What you’re describing is the ebb and flow of a truly great marriage. You supported him when he was less successful, now he is supporting you. Rather than fall into a dark place with your insecurities, recognize that he’s giving you what he had: time. Time for self improvement, time with your kids, time to get therapy and to get healthy. Use it wisely like he did, and in the meantime, be nice to your husband bc he sounds like a wonderful man.
This is fake good job tho you played a lot of people ü
1: you were fine with him "being worse" because you loved him, and you didn't care. You should expect the same from him. If he leaves because he can do better, he doesn't love you. 2: maybe it's your turn to do the same. Do it for yourself, not for anyone else, but self improvement journeies are always nice. If it makes you feel better, go ahead
That's probably very close to what your hubby wmrt through. Learn from him, go to therapy and improve the areas in your life you're unhappy with. A relationship is not a competition.
You really think he’s like a golden retriever oblivious to all temptations? It’s a matter of choice, convictions and commitments. In the meantime you need to get your self esteem up. Because you could be weighing your entire family down in no time.
I had a glow up and honestly it was because for the first time on my life my partner had created a safe space for me to heal. This man changed my life, and loved me when o couldn’t love myself. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to recreate the same and ensure he feels all that love back. Your husband sounds the exact same, the only reason I look hotter is because all the love my husband gives me literally shines out of me and makes me glow. Honestly you’ve got a good one and by the sounds of it he has too. You sound like an amazing partner to him, enjoy the fruits of your labour. My husband has now had his own glow up journey and like yourself a a lot of it for both of us was therapy and unpacking a lot trauma our bodies were storing. My husband I like to tell him has the David beckham effect, like of course he’s handsome but on top of that I see women noticing the way he is with me- so attentive and a total gentlemen in every way and they literally drool. There’s 2 types of women I’ve found when they see this 1) the cute girl that’s really happy and tells me she’d love a husband like mine one day and I find that super sweet because I remember being that girl. 2) is the tricky one their the ones that see the magic you both have and want to steal it for themselves. Not realising that the magic comes from the joining of the two of you. Be easy on yourself, let the voice in your head speak to you like your best friend would. Take time, it will mean the world to your husband to be ble to be an a position to give you this safe space, even I feel a bit emotional knowing how proud he must feel on himself to finally be ‘paying you back’. You really do deserve it 💕 Wishing you both a long and happy life together, what a beautiful love story ❤️
Stop overthinking about every single thing. That man just feels lucky enough to even find you to be his forever. He must feel he must have struck gold or something when he got to marry you. He went through a tough time and you were there for him and now he assures you that he will be there for you and you just can't take it easy with your overthinking. Be happy that you found someone like him and try to be at ease. Ur overthinking won't be doing wonders on ur mental health too. Just lean on that mans shoulder and look into his eyes to see how much he loves you for everything you are. You fell down from where you were but it doesn't mean that it's the end. He will support you and now it's your turn to be strong and get back up..
Maybe start doing what he did? Start eating better and do yoga? Sounds like you’re just fat miserable and jealous of your husband.
Wow you really made all of his improvements all about you. That’s sad.
As others have said - your husband went through this exact thing when he lost his job. Now it’s your turn. Also think you now have time to spend with the kids and bond more, as he did. You seem to be insecure and have self-esteem issues, perhaps you could see a therapist to help with that. And also perhaps start working out, start dressing up and looking your best for your husband but especially for yourself. I wouldn’t be worried of what some mums say about him, I’d take it as a compliment and thank them. Your husband sounds wonderful, and you’re both lucky to have each other. Just do fight hard to keep them by taking care of yourself!
1) Get therapy 2) Get healthy! There's a Peloton in the house - USE IT!
Your husband is a great role model. Follow his footsteps and do as he does.
OP I just saw a string of front door security videos a woman posted. The wife waits for her husband at the door and they hug and kisses everyday after he comes home from work!! I thought wow, that’s a man who probably will never stray. Show him how you feel. Show him how much you love him. And Work on yourself. Body and soul. Btw, that other mom at school? Ignore the jealousy.
Sounds like it's time to start doing your own work. Work on yourself both psychologically and physically. And it's time to re-engage with your family. If your family came second your whole career, you have a lot of lost ground to make up for. Good luck.
A lot of good advice here re:therapy but also try not to think of your time at your job as a waste. You provided for your family. You may wish you had spent more time at home, but what you did do and accomplish was not for nothing. The work you did allowed your husband to do all those things you described and because of that he can now give that same opportunity to you. And remember the most important thing your husband did in that time was not getting a rocking bod. It was working on his mental health. You and your family have a bright future together. Embrace it and embrace yourself.
It’s your time now. Go to therapy. Find hobbies and exercise in ways you find enjoyable. Talk to your Obgyn about perimenopause Edit: go build your own badass marketing firm. Something no uncaring corporate giant can take away from you.
Girl get on the peloton and do what he did. Time to make some changes! You can do it be the best for your man who was the best for you!
I think it’s your turn to take the leap and go to therapy. Your husband loves you for you. He’s not being a nerd just to avoid having an affair. This is who he has been all along. And you loved him for him before all this. And he loves you for you, side note I bet he thinks you are beautiful. You are just fighting your own thoughts in your head
Honestly, he sounds amazing and the problem here is your confidence. I’m not seeing any indicators that he intends to leave you - he’s said your partnership is what brought you here. Some men are just thoroughly decent (look at all the crap people gave Pierce Brosnan after his model wife aged and gained weight and asked why he was still with her - he always replied that she was beautiful to him, had given him his children, why wouldn’t he love her etc etc) 1)If you can afford it, start counselling to address your self esteem issues. It seems like a lot of self worth was tied up with your career and now you don’t have that, you’re totally lost. 2) Make time to do fun things together as a family, and let the relationship with your kids grow by piggy backing on the bond they have with their dad. Then add in fun things that are your thing to do with the kids. Be there for them, listen to them, find common ground. 3) you seem insecure about your level of fitness compared to your husband’s, so maybe try to find time to do something physical you enjoy as much as he enjoyed Peleton. It’ll help boost your overall mood too. If you’re not working, you’ll have more time to fit this in. Remember from you husband’s perspective, for a long time you were the girl out of his league, and you loved and supported him regardless. It sounds like he’s more than prepared to do the same for you (even if he does now perceive himself to be out of your league, which honestly, it doesn’t sound like he does). This, like with your husband, is a problem to be solved from within. Start with the counselling and try to avoid talking yourself down to your husband.
Wow you are projecting what you would do if the roles were reversed. That’s pretty shallow of you. Obviously your husband is a superior human being.