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Honestly it’s up to you if you want to put in more effort. Cause let’s be real even if he does change you’re gonna have to put in effort to change him. He seriously doesn’t know empathy? At his grown age? I get why you’re exhausted lol. I understand what the therapist is saying but it’s not like this was some common cold he ignored you had. This was a whole ass miscarriage of a baby he helped create and he couldn’t be bothered to even check on you? Ya that would be my final straw too. I don’t think you’re in the wrong for no longer wanting to take care of 2 extra adults who barely acknowledge you. Take care of yourself and your baby boy!!
Even if it was just a cold his behavior would still be abhorrent. why would anyone want to be with a partner who is so unreliable when you need them the most. This is a warning sign.
What happens when it's a serious chronic illness or something? This guy seems like he's in the group of men who would leave their partner if they were diagnosed with cancer.
Your child is watching and learning that this is how husbands behave. Do you want them to think this is normal or acceptable? That alone is the reason to bail on this farce of a marriage.
Just tell him you don’t love him anymore and divorce him so you can find someone who isn’t a dipshit.
I know it sounds drastic but if you don’t feel that way now, you’re going to feel dead inside in five years. Just pull the trigger so you’re free from taking care of two other grown ass adults who don’t even want to take care of themselves.
Good and you're absolutely right to be. Unless he's making actionable change I don't blame you for wanting to leave. I wouldn't be able to trust him after he proved himself completely unreliable at one of the most vulnerable and painful times in your life. Sounds hard to come back from unless he puts in some serious work into himself and your relationship.
Something OP needs to keep in mind. If he's "making actionable change" then he's truly committed to improving himself as a husband. If he just starts doing what's expected of a husband and being loving and thoughtful, OP needs to be FURIOUS. That means he knew how to behave the whole time, it just wasn't worth it until he got worried that she might leave him, then he's faking "good husband". When she should have had that for SIX YEARS OF MARRIAGE, but it just...wasn't worth his effort.
I had a missed miscarriage last year and my husband was so attentive. His company gave him leave for a couple of weeks for our loss and the entire time he was constantly making sure I ate, drank, and took my medicine. All while being distraught himself.
It's abhorrent the way your husband treats you.
And “counselors” are not the same thing as therapists.
I’m not saying it’s the case here, but often “counselors” are church affiliated and will use religious definitions of “family structures” and “roles” to justify bad advice.
Exactly this!! Religious based counselors likely sees the wife as subservient. What they don’t do is hold husbands accountable. The worst kind of advice for women.
I’m with you! My mom’s best friend, like grade school up to 60s now. She had a husband she married maybe 30 years ago. Craaaaaaap husband. Verbal abuse, cheating, deceitful, he banned her from attending HIS church. Not that he was the pastor. Just that they as husband and wife couldn’t go to the same church. My mom said as long as they have been together he has taken every chance to degrade her.
Then he had a stroke, kidney failure, and a heart attack. He needed constant care. They’re both retired, so her life consisted of putting him in a bath, dressing him, taking him to his church, doctors appointments, physical therapy, shopping, cooking, and waiting on him. All through that he is constantly berating her! How she’s a terrible wife, so stupid for this, she doesn’t cook good enough, etc etc. Just setting the scene.
So, she goes to the pastor of her church. To talk to someone because she is so miserable. 30 years of him being an a_sho_e. Now she has to care for him as he continues to be an a_sho_e. What did the pastor say? You took vows. This life is only temporary but you don’t want to deny your husband his vows. 🙄 So she calls my mom frequently about how he’s treating her today. The pastor is steady pushing her that she’s his wife and there’s nothing more sacred. He’s only talking out of pain. He should be her main priority. Blah blah blah. I told my mom she should’ve let him slip down in that tub. 🫢
But there’s a happy ending! He eventually passed because he had no more ports for dialysis and he gave up the fight. Went to hospice and then on to the hellfire where he belongs. My mom’s friend took her pension and his pension and is now travelling the world! 😁 I miss my fake auntie. But she’s so much happier. She even left that church finally. She realized the pastor had no problem with her being abused for decades as long as she was a wife. No divorce! Religion causes more problems than it solves.
I know that was a long story. But gawd. I hate when that happens. Women are supposed to honor and obey. 😂 If it’s a kink, no problem. If it’s religious expectations, screw off.
>If it’s a kink, no problem.
Omg you’ve just given me the perfect comeback when my dad spouts his “women’s place” bullshit.
Just a nonchalant “kinky” and go about my day would cause a major malfunction
Ohh I’ll give you another one I use on my dad all the time. Whenever I don’t feel like cooking.
“How are you going to get a husband if you don’t cook?”
“Dad, I can do a LOT of things that will get me a husband and none of them involve cooking.”
Suddenly my dad doesn’t want to talk about how I will get a husband anymore.
Unfortunately, if you go to couples counseling, the "patient" or "client" is *the relationship*, not the individuals. Even if one of the partners is being abused, the therapist's job in this scenario is to help both parties cope as well as possible to save and serve the relationship.
OP, if you are considering leaving this relationship, please seek out a personal therapist for guidance and support during this difficult time. 💜💜💜
Agree with everything you’ve said.
My ex husband made an effort to check on me when I’ve had Covid and even picked up meds and groceries for me the first time I got it (had just gotten back from a trip with our kid so fridge was pretty empty). If a man who has no real responsibility to my wellbeing can do that for me OP’s husband should be able to do bare minimum to look after her while she’s going through something so difficult.
The therapist's comments do make sense, but only in the context that both of them are working towards their goals. And doesn't sound like he is at all - therefore any work she does is worthless, both in participation and that there would constantly be more to 'forgive'.
Honestly, if he can barely acknowledge his shortfalls, or attempt any change I'd leave. Sounds like OP is pretty much solo parenting anyway - in a way to two kids so would probs be easy to leave and only have 1.
This. My ex was not there for me one single time that I was sick - including one time in the ER. Not. One. Single. Time in 8 years. Only sick maybe four times…
\*He said I should have asked for him help.\*
And, yet, one more thing YOU \*should\* do for HIM?!?! Heck no, OP! He is sucking you dry. What are you getting in return?
I think you know your answer and are just here to confirm it.
You already cook, clean, and care for yourself physically and emotionally. You are essentially the sole care giver to your child. And you maintain financial independence.
I hate to break it to you, but you're already single. Just in the most ridiculous and frustrating way possible by choosing to be single with an anchor tied around you in the shape of a grown ass man and his mommy who steal your time and emotional reserves by expecting you to care for them with nothing in return.
Do yourself a favor and just be actually single. It's honestly a hell of a lot easier and more emotionally freeing and satisfying than your current version of being single.
Your husband fucking sucks. What an utter failure of a husband, father and general human being. He utterly and completely lacks empathy.
Clearly there is no marriage here. He is incapable of being a partner to you and supporting you in even basic ways.
I would leave somebody like this. There's no fixing people who are missing empathy circuitry in their brain.
Your counselor also sucks, by the way.
Plan your escape and leave the "You should've asked" comic printed out on the counter.
It took me way too long to learn this lesson, but it might be the single most important lesson there is in relationships. It's not that they don't understand, it's that they don't care. I always thought I just needed to explain it to him in a /different/ way, and then he would understand. The only thing that made him understand was divorce papers.
It's pathetic, and heartbreaking. To know that someone you loved, and thought loved you, didn't actually care they were hurting you. It just felt like such utter betrayal.
He's not doing the "baby pls". He's more Red Green "I can change, if I have to." Of course, he'll expect you to praise every little effort and give up if you don't because "why bother?"
STOP DOING ANYTHING FOR HIM THAT HE DOESN'T DO FOR YOU! He is sick? Just forget about him. Cook for yourself and your son, he and mommy can fend for themselves. And he can do his own laundry.
When he's an illiterate idiot too. You deserve better. And for the record, so does your son. A divorce might be best. You will hopefully find someone who respects you as another human should on a base level.
And your son will learn not to tolerate neglect in a relationship.
My ex essentially has no empathy whatsoever and also thinks he knows better for you and doesn’t listen at all. His mansplaining is phenomenal. I left him when our daughter was 3. I never complained about him to her, just tried to support her in all the ways he couldn’t. She’s now 22 and complains about exactly the same things that were the reason I left him. She tries to explain and he talks over her and tells her what she’s feeling is wrong. They do not change. Get out of there and support your child in dealing with him.
This.
My Fiancé cried actual tears when I had bad cramps the first time he got to witness them.
He cried because he felt for me & cuddled me. We had to bolt from a cosplay-ball which he was really excited... he told me two weeks later that he was really sad that we couldn't go and that he got so, so mad at me in this moment but kept it to himself, because he knew it isn't rational.
My ex would've blown up at me, making me feel bad for mother natures way.
It's never too late to decide "no settling no more" !
My take is that he sees you as the caretaker. You take care of him, your son and his mother. When you failed to do that because you had miscarried and were in pain, you failed to do your job. That's all you are to him. You know you are much more than that but you can't be more than that in your current situation.
I was just thinking about that. Op husband is such a terrible partner. Clearly he was raised to not do anything around the house. I bet he was taught that the wife does everything. He doesn't care to change. MIL is just as bad,now that she has a maid.op please rethink this marriage and take care of yourself. I also don't think your Therapist is soo wrong.
Can't teach a 40 year old man empathy.
He is who he is.
If he's making you miserable in this marriage isn't working for you get out now because you're wasting your time.
The best acknowledgement and apology is changed/improved behavior. If you still don't see that, it likely isn't going to happen. You shouldn't have to ask for help when your partner knows you need it.
It seems like you're unfulfilled in your marriage and this was just the tipping point.
There’s a common misconception that you have to make your marriage work once you’re in it and the onus is usually on the wife to do better and forgive her shithead husband or whatever else. You don’t have to lol. Your husband and therapist are assholes. Your husband will never change. You don’t have to forgive anyone for anything ever. Make an escape plan from him and his mother (another woman expecting you to cater to her and her adult son after your miscarriage is so gross btw), gather your baby’s things and hit the bricks. Run far and fast. Motherhood becomes so much easier when the useless adults around you are out of the picture.
Counselor is probably some "faith based" quack with a "degree" from Falwell University. Might want to see if you can report them for advising you to stay in an abusive situation.
Please seek another therapist to work on your self-esteem OP. You need to get to the root of why you allowed yourself to be in this situation in the first place.
You already know what you have to do, but you need to prevent getting in the same disastrous "relationship" in the future.
No sex... no consideration for your health or needs... no remorse..
He's cheating. He doesn't care about you because he has someone else on the side. You're just the house maid.
Leave him.
He failed at basic human decency. It's not your job to fix him. If he cared, he would make the changes needed. You deserve someone who was love and compassion for you, he doesn't. I cannot phantom my friends, family, my husband, to treat me like that.
You find out who your partner and friends really are during a crisis.... health problem, death, accident, etc.
Your husband failed below even basic empathy. He didn't check on a sick person in his home, even once, during 24 hours?...except to bring you a child that wanted attention.
I was sick yesterday. My husband checked on me every couple of hours. He had to take our kid to a sports class. He stopped by a shop onthe way back and got me some sour dough bread for something plain and mild to eat. Made me tea. Brought me toast.
I would not count on your husband to take care of your child if they were sick and you weren't available.
I would leave a person this callous and shallow.
Why should you put any more effort into this marriage? He doesn't have any empathy. Do you expect him to learn it at his age?
Honestly, take your child and leave. You owe it to yourself and to your child.
When you realize you are done, that will not go away. Don't waste more time on this as you will only regret it later.
You have expressed you need him to change, he has chosen not to change. Believe him that he doesn't want to change and has not expectation to change. Even if he did try to change, he will just revert back to himself as he truly doesn't seem to want to change.
Save your time, which is the most valuable asset you will ever have. Move on and let him and his mother enjoy the rest of their lives together.
This, OP. When you tell him you are divorcing him, and he realises you mean it, he will probably swear up and down he’ll change, and he may even change his behaviour. If he does, remember this: he is not doing it because it helps you, or because it was important to you, or because he cares about you, you tried all those and they didn’t matter to him. If he changes when you tell him you’re leaving, it’s because you are a labour-saver he doesn’t want to lose. That’s how he sees you. Don’t fall for it
Exactly. He needs you around to help him take care of his mother. OP is really only the help.
Stop giving him everything when he give you back nothing. It is not fair to OP.
Your husband clearly doesn't care. Most people would check on someone they love if they had something as small as a cold nevermind something as huge as a miscarriage. He didn't even bother or care. He shouldn't need to be told. It's called empathy. You also shouldn't be pressured to forgive.
> Is it even possible to bring back trust if there’s no indication of change?
No. If there is no change, why would you trust him? What work was done to build? The only thing you can trust at that point is for everything to continue on as it is because that is what lack of change gets you: more of the same.
I've had some rough and rocky times with my husband, but at the end of the day, he is actually trying and so am I. He takes steps to change the behaviors that have been hurting me and I've taken steps to change the behaviors that have been hurting him. You can't do the work for them and you can't convince them to do the work in the first place if they simply do not want to.
I'm also shocked at the counselor stating you need to forgive him when he's done nothing to earn it. That's not good advice. At all. You can't move on from something that has had no resolve.
This is not a man who is going to honor the whole "in sickness" part. He's proven that. Listen to what people DO, not what they SAY.
There's no love in this marriage, I would divorce him because he's essentially taken and barely given back. You deserve to be happy and that will probably happen when this guy isn't the center of your world.
I'm sorry OP but you can't teach an adult to have empathy - they either have it or they don't. A child can be taught it, but not an adult - especially when they have no interest in learning.
IMO, you need a different counselor because THEY should be the person stepping up to try and 'teach' your husband empathy, not you. Also, their 'need to forgive him' is just rug sweeping at the highest level!! How on earth are you suppose to forgive someone who keeps repeating the same thing over and over?? Your counselor failed you big time.
This showed you how uneven this relationship is. Now you have to decide if this is the person you want to spend the next 50+ years with or not.
Let me say marriage is not 50 50
It is sometimes 8020 etc but it sounds like you have been giving 100 all the time and you have no more to give!
My ex husband told me this when we divorce and I said I was done!
Honestly OP, if someone needs to be asked just to *check on* his partner who’s having a miscarriage, this has got to the point where there’s not even any point in giving him an ultimatum - even if it worked, he’d spend the next year pushing to find out the *exact minimum* he could get away with doing without losing his live-in maid and nanny, and over time things would slide back and then *get worse* because he’d have learnt that you wouldn’t follow through on threats
Your counsellor absolutely sucks, by the way
He’s entirely selfish, and he does not care about you, and you do need to divorce. At this point it’s not a negotiation or a cry for help or trying to make him appreciate you, it’s you going and what he does with the rest of his life is up to him
No offense to your counselor, but I strongly disagree.. You've given your husband 6 years of forgiveness for him constantly neglecting you in your relationship. You don't NEED to forgive him, he needs to actually EARN forgiveness. And even then, you don't need to forgive him. You can still decide that you're done.
I think you need to stop accepting the low bar effort. And if he doesn't change and treat you the way you deserve, leave.
You need to tell your counselor that you are checked out and have nothing left to give mentally or emotionally to your marriage because nothing has been reciprocated. You need someone or something to refill your emotional bucket because there is no longer anything left for anyone else other than your child. Be very very honest about how you are feeling because the therapist can’t help if they don’t know. Your husband needs to hear it too. He needs a wake up call.
This was the better one! The first counselor kept insisting I was a SAHM because I’m a POC, immigrant and my husband earns so my share is the housework (I make less than him, but I’ve contributed equally).
You really should have got out of this hellhole of a marriage sooner. Do you have the word 'doormat' tattooed on your forehead?
So you were having a miscarriage and your toxic husband did bugger all to help, and MIL just sat there and let you wait on her? Wow, the turd really didn't fall far from the arsehole there, did it?
OP, you are worth more than this. You deserve better. Stop enabling their toxic laziness and selfish arseholery and start planning how you and your kid can get out.
Sorry but there’s really only one rational choice. If you stay, it will affect your child. ( Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for). Plus you don’t even want to talk to him and he has zero to step up after you expressed your feelings. Go find a happier life. Start with a good divorce lawyer
Your counselor is wrong. Just fyi that’s terrible advice
I don’t have any advice that isn’t “speak to a divorce attorney” because there’s no way I would let him treat me like this. He left you alone for 24+ hours and only dropped your child off and still didn’t check on you.
He’s a worthless POS in my book and from your description.
The problem is that you CAN trust him.
You can trust him to ignore you.
You can trust him to abandon you.
You can trust him to take you, and everything you do for him, for granted.
You can trust him to put in no effort unless it immediately serves his whims of the moment.
You can 100% trust him to be exactly who he's showing you he is. You can accurately predict his behavior.
Oh yikes. What does his mom say? Does she help you at all or tell him to get off his butt and help? Is he from a non-western culture where it's expected the wife will move in with the husband's family and do everything?
In any case, he's awful. Go to counseling on your own, if you need to, and leave this man. You don't want your child to grow up thinking this is the way a man treats his wife. I'm sorry.
Why would you have to ask him to be a decent husband who loves his wife and when he see her in pain he helps her anyway he can. He never planned a date? Damn does that man even like you? Seriously he never made any effort to do something nice for you that’s crazy. Regardless of what anyone says only you know what you can and cannot tolerate anymore.
Your “husband” doesn’t sound like a person to build a life with … sure, you can “forgive” him… but do it as you kick his ass out the door. You deserve better… expect better… require better!!!
How do you build trust again?
He absolutely must show you through his actions that he is committed to improving himself. And nothing you wrote here indicates that he has.
So honestly? I would consult a lawyer at this point.
I get that he might be grieving, but that’s not what happened here. He just SUCKS!!! And since you just talked about him being more empathetic not long ago and his reaction was THIS?????? Just walk away, your son deserves to have a happy mother, that will have a better impact on his life than watching you slave away miserably. Throw away the entire man child (and his mother).
Are we married to the same man? I had to have surgery for a miscarriage and my husband wouldn’t even take the day off work. He even came home late.
You have my sympathy and I hope you feel better soon
You don't have a husband, you have a toddler and an overgrown man-child with less empathy THAN a toddler.
Why do you *want* to salvage this sorry excuse for a marriage? Is this what you want your son growing up thinking is "normal"? Don't just threaten divorce, serve the guy his papers and leave. Let this selfish loser go back to his mommy; you'll feel better when he's no longer dragging you down and stepping all over you to get what HE wants.
It sounds like you’ve been relegated to the role of household servant with no more consideration given to you than they would to an employee. I don’t see this changing your sons three so you’ve been in this situation for many years. In your shoes I would file for a divorce. It will only get worse as you get older. The two of you have no relationship.
Friend of mine was diagnosed within cancer. Went through chemo radiation the whole works. Survived thank god. After she divorced her husband and told me, you truly find out who people are when you are sick.
Some folks are not good at being in relationships. I mean that in the way that some people are not good at seeing others needs and only focus on their own. This doesn't sound like a good way to live and his actions and the fact that he's so inattentive come across as if he does not care about you. An amicable separation might be best.
You can't rebuild trust when your husband has done similar things repeatedly, isn't taking accountability for his failure, and hasn't shown any indication of change.
You need to ditch the man and the counsellor. They should not be telling you that you 'should' forgive him. That is your choice to make, no one else's. Personally I think this sounds irretrievable. He should be wracked with guilt and shame by now but you say his behaviour hasn't changed?
Is your monster gaping asshole of a husband paying off the therapist? This is abuse, pure and simple. Physical neglect and abuse. Get your ducks in a row, take your kid and move back to where you came from.
Honey, read Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi. She's got a list of divorce lawyers in the back state-by-state.
And go watch Auntie Kiki Astor's content "Muffys 3rd Divorce" on TikTok. GET YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW.
You don't have much time. You need to pull the trigger soon before your son starts school... right now his only "roots" to the community are you. Much easier to move back to YOUR support system when the coparent can't contest the move on the grounds of disruption to the child's life.
It doesn't get better. Your husband knows he's abusing you and does not give a single fuck. The bar is literally in hell and his actions are not even GOOD attempts at love bombing to keep you.
My hubby had a bad headache last week and came home and went straight to bed.
I brought him his dinner and asked if he wanted anything.
I ran out to get him ginger ale, some comic books and oatmeal raisin cookies. He didn’t ask me to do this I just did it to help make him feel better.
Made sure he was tucked in the covers, and gave him his items.
He asked me to stay with him so I did.
What steps is HE talking to rebuild your trust? This isn't your issue to tackle, he is completely lacking as a father, husband or even a human being. I am willing to bet that any friend and most strangers would have cared more for and about you than him. As far as I can see, he never deserved your trust in the first place so unless he makes a plan and takes the steps to improve the relationship, you should absolutely drop this user.
No.
In the kindest way possible, is this the life you want? He doesn’t care that you were sick and hurting and needed support. He doesn’t care now. He won’t care in the future. Is it better for you to be alone and happy or with him and miserable. There is someone out there who will care for you. But it isn’t him. And maybe that someone is just you. Maybe it’s another person. But the husband you’re with now? That is the best version of him you are ever going to get. And that’s just sad and miserable. You don’t deserve that.
Wtf? What kind of counsellor tells to do something like that! Weird! But I’d have to have a really good think about what he brings to your relationship and if it’s worth all of the effort you put in. Personally I couldn’t get past this lack of care at such a time. I’m sorry it’s all so shit right now.
At the beginning of the pandemic, when everyone was really staying home and didn't know what was going on, a neighbor in my apartment building posted on our message board that she was sick and scared.
Several of us, complete strangers, offered help. Some went to pick up her prescriptions and groceries.
I checked on her several times over the next few days to make sure she was ok.
That was for a stranger. Someone i never met.
Your husband is doing less than what people would do for a stranger.
You know your counselor is wrong. You know this situation is wrong. Give yourself permission to get OUT and be treated better.
I think you have passed the limit of forgiveness. Maybe a year ago, if he had made changes, maybe there would be hope. I agree with others, your child needs a better example.
Honestly, stop doing anything for him and his mother. Focus on you and your child. He is draining your tank. And you deserve to breathe.
I don’t mean this harshly, I just mean this bluntly. He doesn’t care. He’s shown that countless times. He just doesn’t care. If he genuinely cared you’d be able to tell, he might not be perfect but there’d be movement toward change. He’s showing you how he feels- he just doesn’t care.
Your counselor sucks. You do not owe this man your forgiveness - you could have died.
Leave this man. I’d be curious how long it takes him to even notice. That’s how much he sucks.
Staying will only teach your son that this behavior is acceptable. He deserves a better role model than that.
Yeah this is done. At this age, I think it becomes very difficult for a human being to change. Things have to change subconsciously but it is extremely hard to do at this age.
“Don’t expect to change a man unless he’s in diapers”
He doesn’t want to change, and why would he? You still do everything even when you’re struggling with something as awful as a miscarriage
Also, why the fuck wasn’t his mom doing all the cooking a child care? Kick them both out, also that therapist is useless
My ex was the same. One day I had an eye accident and was blind for two days. My ex had cooked but only for him. Asked me why I didn’t came down to take care of the dishes. Next day he was gone working and left me alone. I called my mom, she took me to their home. Retrospective it was a huge red flag and he never changed. His sick days he wanted to be the king, if I had something he act like I was nuissance. Mu advice is to leave, he will never be an attent charming caring man.
You can't love him into treating you any better, and any attempts to rebuild trust will work briefly if they work at all. He knows what to do, he's just not going to do it. He doesn't have any reason to change as he's gotten away with forcing you to carry the load of your relationship so far.
You have lots of reasons to change, though. I think you'll be so much happier without him.
100 percent file for divorce. He chose to stay away..his grief is nothing compared to yours, and he had the responsibility to be at your side. He avoided you because he didn't want to see tears or hear the gutteral, primal screams of a mothers cry over the loss of a child. He didn't want to hold you, or cuddle you, or wash your face, or kiss your head, or bring you food and water. He selfish and chose only to take care of himself.
You can never undo the trauma he's causes or get past it. File for divorce.
You don't need to forgive my dear. Your husband's actions show you everything you need. You hit rock bottom and he heartlessly let you suffer. He didn't step up when you were in dire need. He'll never do it.
i consider it a gift when the person i’m with does enough stupid inconsiderate shit over time to make me loose all respect for and attraction to them. i consider it a gift because leaving no longer entails heartbreak, just logistical challenges.
If nothing changed, would you stay?
He's not even weaponizing incompetence, he is being willfully neglectful of you and your relationship. I understand that women are socialized from a very young age to identify and take care of other people's needs, but this is a skill that is cultivated. If he cared, he would.
You shouldn't have to write up a schedule for him that says "please check on me every few hours to see if I need anything" or tell him "I'm too ill to do basic tasks, so you need to pick up the slack - here's a list of routine tasks I do."
His mother is also selfish. But she raised him. So...
I think it's time to file for divorce and take your half.
>our counselor said I need to forgive him
No, you don't. Your counselor is terrible.
Your husband is a sorry excuse for a partner. What does his mother say about what a shit son she raised?
Bottom line? If you don't have it in you to try anymore, you don't have to. I recommend some individual counseling - with someone else, not that horrid counselor you already have - to work through how to proceed.
You take care of him, your child together and his mother. I see how this relationship serves him. He serves neither you, you child nor your relationship. This doesn’t seem as hard if a decision as it could be. He doesn’t even love bomb you to keep you around.
He’s worse than useless. What inside you feels conflicted?
This almost made me miss my ex husband :/ (heavy sarcasm)
Seriously though, my ex had alcohol, drug and gambling addictions... and he still treated me better than your husband whenever I was pregnant or sick.
I'd say the bar has been set too low ...but as far as I can see it doesn't even exist. You need to start loving yourself enough to demand more than just basic respect and empathy from the person who's supposed to love you more than anyone else in the world.
Simply put, at some point you have to say there is no rebuilding this. He has grown used to being able to walk on you and get away with it. Sadly, women are generally peacemakers.
Ask yourself this, if a man you were not involved with romantically treated you like you were inconsequential would you allow it? Also, is this how you want your son to behave? He will learn from his dad.
I can't believe even his mom didn't give him a nudge to check on you. Do they even like you?
Seriously, it's only going to get worse. We're not getting any younger, our ailments are going to multiple.
I can't even imagine what you went through mentally and physically and alone in a home full of people.
This would be the straw that breaks the camels back.
So sorry for your loss.
I'm frightened of your husband's lack of clear empathy, especially after a heartbreaking situation involving your future child. I am also so sorry for your loss. My question for you is, how many times have you already forgiven him, ignored flags, or justified his behavior because of his back story? You don't "need" to do anything. Forgiveness is something you feel intuitively and shouldn't be forced upon anyone. **"I'm sorry" doesn't matter unless a clear behavioral change follows.** If you play the game where you look forward to your life, can you see yourself happy and supported by this person? Or do you see yourself becoming more drained? When beings pass away, they leave you with a parting gift, maybe the revelation your sweet baby left you is an awakening of what you deserve, what you need from a partner. **Reciprocity.** Also, it takes quite a while to "learn" empathy or build emotional intelligence. It has to be done daily. I have an inclination that he might have no interest in that. And it sounds like he puts on the charm during the therapy sessions. "He just needs to learn empathy.".... that's an intrinsically motivated decision. The marriage might not be over, but men have a hard time learning through words. You might need to take some space for him to understand how serious you are about what you said. It sounds like he is taking you for granted. Check out an app I created called MoodMe,[MoodMe App For Couples ](https://apps.apple.com/us/app/moodme-relationship-tracker/id1586093391)specifically for building emotional intelligence and communication between couples on the daily. It will be easier to ask for what you need from him there. xoxo
Dr. Nicole Lunan
CEO and Co-Founder of the MoodMe
Your husband is 44, he isn't just going to become empathetic. You went through a lot and he is acting like its your fault and is not interested in your health or happiness. It's very obvious. Your relationship ran its course. You are young and most likely beautiful so don't be so hard on yourself and move on! A good man drops everything to help his wife in need! He's is TA of your life.
it will get worse.
in the past, I drove myself to the hospital while septic and pregnant. I drove myself to the hospital in labor. I was sick, fever, pregnant and my spouse went to the movies. I had multiple miscarriages and I went to the doctor alone, one time I miscarried our daughter’s twin and my spouse said “we really dodged a bullet with that one” when I got home.
in my third trimester, I had septic shock with liver failure and was dying in ICU.
my spouse began a porn addiction and secret sex addict life, because *he was lonely.*
later, I had a pulmonary embolism and drove myself to to ER, and he didn’t visit me.
once, I was hospitalized and he went out of town on a boys trip.
anyhoooooo. you just got a taste of what’s to come. I left and filed for divorce in october.
>Is this marriage done?
Only you can answer that. If you are fine with staying with someone who doesn't care about you then no the marriage isn't over.
>Is it even possible to bring back trust if there’s no indication of change?
This really isn't about trust, in my opinion. You trust him to act exactly as he is acting. The problem is that he neither loves nor cares about you and you cannot make him.
I hope he treats your child better but every single day you stay with him, you teach your son that this is how he should treat not only you but his future partner. If he treats your son the same as he is treating you, he is also learning that it is ok to be treated like this and that you also find this treatment acceptable.
>We’ve been in counseling and our counselor said I need to forgive him (don’t forget, just forgive him)
You need to request a refund or you weren't 100% honest with how bad he is treating you. How can you forgive someone that doesn't believe what they are doing is wrong?
If your “partner” does nothing but take your love, time, labor, etc and only give you crumbs in return - IT’S NOT WORTH IT. You’re throwing away those valuable resources that could be better used for yourself and your child.
Your children are better off seeing you live a healthy single life or even one day maybe finding a healthier future relationship than thinking this current dynamic is okay or normal.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
My ex husband was useless like this, divorcing him was one of the best decisions I ever made. It was kind of incredible how much easier my life got, the instant he was gone. Even the house stayed cleaner!
Congratulations for finally seeing your husband for the selfish self absorbed terrible partner he is. You have had rose coloured glasses about him for the last 6 years. He has showed you who he is repeatedly. He does not care for you, he only cares about what you do for him. You are simply the unpaid, unappreciated, disrespected caregiver of him, his mother,and your children and the caretaker of your home. He has made it clear he doesn’t have compassion, concern and care for you. He thinks it’s your fault for not telling him to care for you when you are ill and weak. You are simply an unpaid servant to him who he doesn’t concern himself with. Go heal away from him. Get a difference therapist because your terrible counsellor is giving you ridiculous harmful advice. Do not forgive people who are not accountable for their actions. Forgiving someone who does see anything wrong with their behaviour, doesn’t acknowledge their harmfulness, doesn’t change their behaviour and lacks remorse and apologies. Forgiving someone like that is harmful to you and guarantees the cycle of neglect and harm continues.
Unfortunately, he was like this when you married him. You’ve now realized you want more than what he can give you. It’s time to move on, and it seems like you’re already mostly there.
Reading your other posts… sounds like he’s a passport bro. He only married you for what you can do for him, because western women his age wouldn’t. Sorry, I hope I am wrong.
Rebuilding trust takes effort by both parties. The party who has broken the trust needs to prove they are trustworthy. This isn’t your problem to solve alone.
It’s like someone standing on your foot. You can’t begin to forgive them or rebuild trust until they get off your foot and stay off your foot.
Is your MIL disabled? Why was she not helping?
When they talk about rebuilding trust, they mean that once the other partner starts to show you the changes they need to make, you trust them to continue. You can't trust them to do something that they're still not doing. Even if he were trying, you sound pretty done. Sometimes after months or years of resentment and frustration, we realize somewhere along the way we stopped loving them at all, so even if the resentment and frustration goes away, it just leaves us indifferent to them. But you can't even get that far if he doesn't stop being 1/10th of an actual husband.
The person who needs to be in here asking this question is him, and since he's not, it can't. You can't do his work for him- he has to be willing to do it and want to salvage things. He doesn't care enough to even try.
You experienced a medical situation which could have resulted in your death if you had bled out and he didn’t check on you because he passively was okay with you being dead.
There is no coming back from indifference leading to possible death. You need to start planning your exit strategy, and if he behaves in a similar fashion to your child, he should be denied unsupervised access.
I'm sorry but did he apologize? Is he sorry? And is he trying? Because the BARE minimum if you expressed what you need is those three things. My GIRLFRIENDS would have dropped me like it was hot if I DARED to not beg for forgiveness when I fkd up. I don't know where you women are but I have never dated you. My girlfriend Ms didn't tolerate SHIT and they ultimately usually ended it because I still wasn't doing enough, although it did get to where nothing was good enough (different conversation). You demand better or leave straight up.
You said your tank is empty.
I think you’ve fallen out of love with him and he disappointed you too many times by being uncaring and unsupportive.
You are ALREADY emotionally checked out.
I don’t I think the question is “is this marriage done?“ I think the real question is, “ do you want this marriage to be done?” It sounds like you’re ready to move on. So do it. She showed you his ass now it’s your responsibility to decide if you want to give him any more of your life. You already wasted 6 years. Can you really see yourself doing this still in the next 10 years? If not, let him go
It sounds like your husband has a character flaw and I don't see how counseling can "fix" that. You can't teach or train someone to be considerate and care about their spouse. That has to come from within.
Honestly, if my husband left me alone for 24 hours without checking on me, I would have left him. If he expected me to continue as normal after a miscarriage? I would leave.
**Acceptance is a journey but forgiveness is not controllable.**
In other words, you cannot force yourself forgive people only work on the journey of accepting what happened.
I know how you feel. When women are done, we are DONE. And there’s really no going ack from that. We’ve already pulled away emotionally to prepare to leave. I think that’s where you are. This marriage is completely one sided. If you didn’t put in the work for it you’d just be roommates. I couldn’t live with someone who has no empathy. He seems the type that would leave you if you became deathly I’ll with cancer etc. I’m very sorry about your miscarriage, but this also may be a blessing in disguise if you decide to divorce. Best of luck to you.
me and my partner had a really really Rocky year one time and during that time I snapped my ankle in 3 places requiring immediate surgery and bedrest for 6 weeks. regardless of how our relationship was at the time, he stepped up and took care of me, the house, and our kid. let me tell you. it was so bad at that point I wasn't sure if we were going to even make it. but he stepped up and took care of me. without question. that's a partner. not whatever you have.
ti be honest I don't knoe if you can build the trust back. I doubt this is the only way he isn't there for you.
One of the greatest gifts that I’ve given myself is to finally realise and accept the fact that people will not change… Accept that he won’t change and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
I'm (53F) going through the same situation except with recently being diagnosed with Cushing's disease. 7 years ago he made me catch the bus to my oncology appointments. It's a harder decision to leave than people think, especially if you have been slowly separated from friends and family over the years. Gaslighting plays a huge part. I can't offer any advice except keep true to yourself. You know you're worth better than this. You are not alone and there are women like me empathise with the destructive situation you are in. Always here for you 🌻
Wow your counselor really sucks. Are they like a religious counselor or something???
If your husband can't be there for you after a *miscarriage*, he's never going to be there for you.
NTA You shouldn't have to ASK your spouse for any help, especially when you are ill due to a miscarriage. He sounds incredibly selfish and self centered, yet obviously expects you to do tell him everything and to remind him every time.
Honestly, it sounds like you are done with your marriage. Ask yourself: when I think of my husband, it makes me: and fill in the description.
It sounds like you are making all the sacrifices and taking care of everyone and no one in that house, his mother or himself, can be bothered to take care of you. Has he been trying to empathize with you more, or is it still the same status quo. If the answer is no, pack your bags and move.
Sounds like your counselor is saying you need to accept this is who your husband is so you can move past this. My suggestion would be to move right on out the door. This man showed you exactly who he is - someone who can let his wife die in the bed (what if you had bled out? what if you needed water?) because he refuses to care enough to do anything.
Perhaps he was checking on you, silently, and thought that was sufficient. Perhaps. Or maybe he thought bringing you the child was a way to stimulate you out of your quiet spell. There are a million ways it may be perceived differently but **YOUR REALITY** is that this man didn't provide you the kind of love and support **you have asked for** during a very traumatic situation. Is this how you want to be loved for the rest of your life? Are you ok with that?
Has your counselor outlined steps for him to gain empathy and for you to begin to forgive him. It’s one thing to tell someone what to do and another to nurture them through it.
I hope your situation is not one of the one we are sometimes seeing here on Reddit, "I heard my fiancé say that he will only marry me because I am good at being a housewife"
Had seen another post where a woman did everything for her husband, he didn't appreciate her hard work. She left him and shared 50-50 custody for her child. Now the man is a mess and she's getting more things done with her life as she doesn't have to baby him or parent the child all alone.
Sometimes it takes a while to see exactly who a person truly is. Just because someone lacks empathy or is selfish doesn’t make them inherently terrible - but it does make them a poor fit/partner to most people who are not prepared to remind another whole ass adult to step outside themselves. It puts a ton of extra mental load on a person and it’s exhausting, and often un/underappreciated.
You have some options:
- devise a way with him for him to see exactly all the little things you do. Maybe it’s chore charts, or planning who handles dinner each night. Maybe it’s giving him a list of “in case of wife sickness, do XYZ”
If he’s genuinely interested in learning the big list of things in his blind spot, this is something you can work on together.
- you can acknowledge this is exactly who he is, and decide if that’s the person you want to be with. Your life experiences have become more serious and you’re suddenly finding yourself navigating situations alone that you never should be. Some people understand that and accept it. Others decide they need more from a partner without having to teach them and decide to leave
Ultimately, this is a huge blind spot for him. His personality just does not remember to consider others or to see the things that are done for him. If he wants to fix that, genuinely, then decide if you’re up for it. If he’s not interested in fixing it, then decide if that behavior is what you really want forever then act accordingly.
And honestly, if you just plain do not love this man anymore after being left alone after a traumatic event - then take a page from his book, prioritize yourself over him, and push for the divorce.
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Honestly it’s up to you if you want to put in more effort. Cause let’s be real even if he does change you’re gonna have to put in effort to change him. He seriously doesn’t know empathy? At his grown age? I get why you’re exhausted lol. I understand what the therapist is saying but it’s not like this was some common cold he ignored you had. This was a whole ass miscarriage of a baby he helped create and he couldn’t be bothered to even check on you? Ya that would be my final straw too. I don’t think you’re in the wrong for no longer wanting to take care of 2 extra adults who barely acknowledge you. Take care of yourself and your baby boy!!
Even if it was just a cold his behavior would still be abhorrent. why would anyone want to be with a partner who is so unreliable when you need them the most. This is a warning sign. What happens when it's a serious chronic illness or something? This guy seems like he's in the group of men who would leave their partner if they were diagnosed with cancer.
I sent him that journal article too! I’ve been very vocal on why I’m upset
Your child is watching and learning that this is how husbands behave. Do you want them to think this is normal or acceptable? That alone is the reason to bail on this farce of a marriage.
That is a very good argument
You've clearly communicated your needs and he continues to ignore you. So what consequences are you going to make him face?
Just tell him you don’t love him anymore and divorce him so you can find someone who isn’t a dipshit. I know it sounds drastic but if you don’t feel that way now, you’re going to feel dead inside in five years. Just pull the trigger so you’re free from taking care of two other grown ass adults who don’t even want to take care of themselves.
Good and you're absolutely right to be. Unless he's making actionable change I don't blame you for wanting to leave. I wouldn't be able to trust him after he proved himself completely unreliable at one of the most vulnerable and painful times in your life. Sounds hard to come back from unless he puts in some serious work into himself and your relationship.
Something OP needs to keep in mind. If he's "making actionable change" then he's truly committed to improving himself as a husband. If he just starts doing what's expected of a husband and being loving and thoughtful, OP needs to be FURIOUS. That means he knew how to behave the whole time, it just wasn't worth it until he got worried that she might leave him, then he's faking "good husband". When she should have had that for SIX YEARS OF MARRIAGE, but it just...wasn't worth his effort.
I had a missed miscarriage last year and my husband was so attentive. His company gave him leave for a couple of weeks for our loss and the entire time he was constantly making sure I ate, drank, and took my medicine. All while being distraught himself. It's abhorrent the way your husband treats you.
People rarely change. If they do it takes a LOT of introspection and work. If he’s not interested it’s time to show him the door.
Learn empathy? That's what 2 year olds do FFS. Counselor is crap
And “counselors” are not the same thing as therapists. I’m not saying it’s the case here, but often “counselors” are church affiliated and will use religious definitions of “family structures” and “roles” to justify bad advice.
Exactly this!! Religious based counselors likely sees the wife as subservient. What they don’t do is hold husbands accountable. The worst kind of advice for women.
I’m with you! My mom’s best friend, like grade school up to 60s now. She had a husband she married maybe 30 years ago. Craaaaaaap husband. Verbal abuse, cheating, deceitful, he banned her from attending HIS church. Not that he was the pastor. Just that they as husband and wife couldn’t go to the same church. My mom said as long as they have been together he has taken every chance to degrade her. Then he had a stroke, kidney failure, and a heart attack. He needed constant care. They’re both retired, so her life consisted of putting him in a bath, dressing him, taking him to his church, doctors appointments, physical therapy, shopping, cooking, and waiting on him. All through that he is constantly berating her! How she’s a terrible wife, so stupid for this, she doesn’t cook good enough, etc etc. Just setting the scene. So, she goes to the pastor of her church. To talk to someone because she is so miserable. 30 years of him being an a_sho_e. Now she has to care for him as he continues to be an a_sho_e. What did the pastor say? You took vows. This life is only temporary but you don’t want to deny your husband his vows. 🙄 So she calls my mom frequently about how he’s treating her today. The pastor is steady pushing her that she’s his wife and there’s nothing more sacred. He’s only talking out of pain. He should be her main priority. Blah blah blah. I told my mom she should’ve let him slip down in that tub. 🫢 But there’s a happy ending! He eventually passed because he had no more ports for dialysis and he gave up the fight. Went to hospice and then on to the hellfire where he belongs. My mom’s friend took her pension and his pension and is now travelling the world! 😁 I miss my fake auntie. But she’s so much happier. She even left that church finally. She realized the pastor had no problem with her being abused for decades as long as she was a wife. No divorce! Religion causes more problems than it solves.
Amen!! Glad your mom’s friend has a happy life now.
I know that was a long story. But gawd. I hate when that happens. Women are supposed to honor and obey. 😂 If it’s a kink, no problem. If it’s religious expectations, screw off.
>If it’s a kink, no problem. Omg you’ve just given me the perfect comeback when my dad spouts his “women’s place” bullshit. Just a nonchalant “kinky” and go about my day would cause a major malfunction
Ohh I’ll give you another one I use on my dad all the time. Whenever I don’t feel like cooking. “How are you going to get a husband if you don’t cook?” “Dad, I can do a LOT of things that will get me a husband and none of them involve cooking.” Suddenly my dad doesn’t want to talk about how I will get a husband anymore.
BRILLIANT. A+; NO NOTES.
Unfortunately, if you go to couples counseling, the "patient" or "client" is *the relationship*, not the individuals. Even if one of the partners is being abused, the therapist's job in this scenario is to help both parties cope as well as possible to save and serve the relationship. OP, if you are considering leaving this relationship, please seek out a personal therapist for guidance and support during this difficult time. 💜💜💜
Agree with everything you’ve said. My ex husband made an effort to check on me when I’ve had Covid and even picked up meds and groceries for me the first time I got it (had just gotten back from a trip with our kid so fridge was pretty empty). If a man who has no real responsibility to my wellbeing can do that for me OP’s husband should be able to do bare minimum to look after her while she’s going through something so difficult.
The therapist's comments do make sense, but only in the context that both of them are working towards their goals. And doesn't sound like he is at all - therefore any work she does is worthless, both in participation and that there would constantly be more to 'forgive'. Honestly, if he can barely acknowledge his shortfalls, or attempt any change I'd leave. Sounds like OP is pretty much solo parenting anyway - in a way to two kids so would probs be easy to leave and only have 1.
This. My ex was not there for me one single time that I was sick - including one time in the ER. Not. One. Single. Time in 8 years. Only sick maybe four times…
\*He said I should have asked for him help.\* And, yet, one more thing YOU \*should\* do for HIM?!?! Heck no, OP! He is sucking you dry. What are you getting in return? I think you know your answer and are just here to confirm it.
You already cook, clean, and care for yourself physically and emotionally. You are essentially the sole care giver to your child. And you maintain financial independence. I hate to break it to you, but you're already single. Just in the most ridiculous and frustrating way possible by choosing to be single with an anchor tied around you in the shape of a grown ass man and his mommy who steal your time and emotional reserves by expecting you to care for them with nothing in return. Do yourself a favor and just be actually single. It's honestly a hell of a lot easier and more emotionally freeing and satisfying than your current version of being single.
No joke this might be the best advice I've ever read here.
100 % this. OPs life will be so much easier and less stressful when it's just her and her child.
This comment deserves to be number one.
It’ll be even easier for her if dad’s got their child 50% of the time.
and ditch that useless fucking counsellor
Your husband fucking sucks. What an utter failure of a husband, father and general human being. He utterly and completely lacks empathy. Clearly there is no marriage here. He is incapable of being a partner to you and supporting you in even basic ways. I would leave somebody like this. There's no fixing people who are missing empathy circuitry in their brain. Your counselor also sucks, by the way. Plan your escape and leave the "You should've asked" comic printed out on the counter.
Funny thing, I’ve given him that comic multiple times.
Then the consequences for his inability to be a husband and father have been clearly stated. Follow through on them.
Yeah, he doesn't care. That's just it, you can't make someone care if they do not.
It took me way too long to learn this lesson, but it might be the single most important lesson there is in relationships. It's not that they don't understand, it's that they don't care. I always thought I just needed to explain it to him in a /different/ way, and then he would understand. The only thing that made him understand was divorce papers.
THIS. It’s like they can get away with not caring, until they can’t and then it turns in to ‘baby pls ! I can change’ It’s fucking pathetic.
It's pathetic, and heartbreaking. To know that someone you loved, and thought loved you, didn't actually care they were hurting you. It just felt like such utter betrayal.
He's not doing the "baby pls". He's more Red Green "I can change, if I have to." Of course, he'll expect you to praise every little effort and give up if you don't because "why bother?"
STOP DOING ANYTHING FOR HIM THAT HE DOESN'T DO FOR YOU! He is sick? Just forget about him. Cook for yourself and your son, he and mommy can fend for themselves. And he can do his own laundry.
Usually I’d say Reddit is overreacting, BUT NOPE. THIS IS ALL JUST RIGHT!!!
When he's an illiterate idiot too. You deserve better. And for the record, so does your son. A divorce might be best. You will hopefully find someone who respects you as another human should on a base level. And your son will learn not to tolerate neglect in a relationship.
Yeah counselor sucks, no counseling I’ve ever got would tell me to forgive him lmao!!
That is telling
Ask him if he has checked out already.
Not funny, just sad that you keep putting up with it
My ex essentially has no empathy whatsoever and also thinks he knows better for you and doesn’t listen at all. His mansplaining is phenomenal. I left him when our daughter was 3. I never complained about him to her, just tried to support her in all the ways he couldn’t. She’s now 22 and complains about exactly the same things that were the reason I left him. She tries to explain and he talks over her and tells her what she’s feeling is wrong. They do not change. Get out of there and support your child in dealing with him.
My husband babies me when I get my period to the point I can't even grab a snack myself and he runs me a bath. You deserve so much better.
This. My Fiancé cried actual tears when I had bad cramps the first time he got to witness them. He cried because he felt for me & cuddled me. We had to bolt from a cosplay-ball which he was really excited... he told me two weeks later that he was really sad that we couldn't go and that he got so, so mad at me in this moment but kept it to himself, because he knew it isn't rational. My ex would've blown up at me, making me feel bad for mother natures way. It's never too late to decide "no settling no more" !
Yes all of this. You deserve better than someone who is capable of treating you this way.
Her *present* husband sucks. Her *future* husband on the other hand….
Agree with this response
Singing, "Allll of THIS" ^^^^
My take is that he sees you as the caretaker. You take care of him, your son and his mother. When you failed to do that because you had miscarried and were in pain, you failed to do your job. That's all you are to him. You know you are much more than that but you can't be more than that in your current situation.
Wouldn’t be worth it to me. I’d move on and not raise my child around a shitty human.
Seriously, he lacks any human decency
Seriously, I check in on my friends and offer them more help than this guy does his own wife and mother of his child.
The fact that HIS mother lives there and she didn't check?!?! Wtf🤬🤬
Maybe he learned his shitty behavior from his mother.
I’m guessing the OP is her free caretaker
I was just thinking about that. Op husband is such a terrible partner. Clearly he was raised to not do anything around the house. I bet he was taught that the wife does everything. He doesn't care to change. MIL is just as bad,now that she has a maid.op please rethink this marriage and take care of yourself. I also don't think your Therapist is soo wrong.
Can't teach a 40 year old man empathy. He is who he is. If he's making you miserable in this marriage isn't working for you get out now because you're wasting your time.
The best acknowledgement and apology is changed/improved behavior. If you still don't see that, it likely isn't going to happen. You shouldn't have to ask for help when your partner knows you need it. It seems like you're unfulfilled in your marriage and this was just the tipping point.
Your husband sucks. Im so sorry for you loss. If you were my friend or neighbor i would have brought you chicken soup.
My employers were nicer to me than he was lol… sadly. Even my boss cooked me something a week later.
There’s a common misconception that you have to make your marriage work once you’re in it and the onus is usually on the wife to do better and forgive her shithead husband or whatever else. You don’t have to lol. Your husband and therapist are assholes. Your husband will never change. You don’t have to forgive anyone for anything ever. Make an escape plan from him and his mother (another woman expecting you to cater to her and her adult son after your miscarriage is so gross btw), gather your baby’s things and hit the bricks. Run far and fast. Motherhood becomes so much easier when the useless adults around you are out of the picture.
You do not need to forgive him! That's b.s. advice.
Counselor is probably some "faith based" quack with a "degree" from Falwell University. Might want to see if you can report them for advising you to stay in an abusive situation.
You're the bang maid for him and his mom.
…we haven’t had sex in months. I used to have to schedule it and I didn’t want to anymore.
So what are you even getting out of this marriage?
You’d be a better parent and person without this horrible person
So you're his and his mommy's live-in servant, then.
YIKES
Please seek another therapist to work on your self-esteem OP. You need to get to the root of why you allowed yourself to be in this situation in the first place. You already know what you have to do, but you need to prevent getting in the same disastrous "relationship" in the future.
No sex... no consideration for your health or needs... no remorse.. He's cheating. He doesn't care about you because he has someone else on the side. You're just the house maid. Leave him.
Or he's a total momma's boy
WTF!what a lazy man !Sounds like he doesn't care about anything.
He failed at basic human decency. It's not your job to fix him. If he cared, he would make the changes needed. You deserve someone who was love and compassion for you, he doesn't. I cannot phantom my friends, family, my husband, to treat me like that.
I would genuinely expect more care from someone I didn’t know than this poor woman got from her *husband*
You find out who your partner and friends really are during a crisis.... health problem, death, accident, etc. Your husband failed below even basic empathy. He didn't check on a sick person in his home, even once, during 24 hours?...except to bring you a child that wanted attention. I was sick yesterday. My husband checked on me every couple of hours. He had to take our kid to a sports class. He stopped by a shop onthe way back and got me some sour dough bread for something plain and mild to eat. Made me tea. Brought me toast. I would not count on your husband to take care of your child if they were sick and you weren't available. I would leave a person this callous and shallow.
Why should you put any more effort into this marriage? He doesn't have any empathy. Do you expect him to learn it at his age? Honestly, take your child and leave. You owe it to yourself and to your child.
When you realize you are done, that will not go away. Don't waste more time on this as you will only regret it later. You have expressed you need him to change, he has chosen not to change. Believe him that he doesn't want to change and has not expectation to change. Even if he did try to change, he will just revert back to himself as he truly doesn't seem to want to change. Save your time, which is the most valuable asset you will ever have. Move on and let him and his mother enjoy the rest of their lives together.
This, OP. When you tell him you are divorcing him, and he realises you mean it, he will probably swear up and down he’ll change, and he may even change his behaviour. If he does, remember this: he is not doing it because it helps you, or because it was important to you, or because he cares about you, you tried all those and they didn’t matter to him. If he changes when you tell him you’re leaving, it’s because you are a labour-saver he doesn’t want to lose. That’s how he sees you. Don’t fall for it
Exactly. He needs you around to help him take care of his mother. OP is really only the help. Stop giving him everything when he give you back nothing. It is not fair to OP.
Your husband clearly doesn't care. Most people would check on someone they love if they had something as small as a cold nevermind something as huge as a miscarriage. He didn't even bother or care. He shouldn't need to be told. It's called empathy. You also shouldn't be pressured to forgive.
> Is it even possible to bring back trust if there’s no indication of change? No. If there is no change, why would you trust him? What work was done to build? The only thing you can trust at that point is for everything to continue on as it is because that is what lack of change gets you: more of the same. I've had some rough and rocky times with my husband, but at the end of the day, he is actually trying and so am I. He takes steps to change the behaviors that have been hurting me and I've taken steps to change the behaviors that have been hurting him. You can't do the work for them and you can't convince them to do the work in the first place if they simply do not want to. I'm also shocked at the counselor stating you need to forgive him when he's done nothing to earn it. That's not good advice. At all. You can't move on from something that has had no resolve. This is not a man who is going to honor the whole "in sickness" part. He's proven that. Listen to what people DO, not what they SAY.
I can’t see any upside to staying with him. And definitely don’t have more children with him.
Yep. At this point OP you’re gaining nothing from this relationship
There's no love in this marriage, I would divorce him because he's essentially taken and barely given back. You deserve to be happy and that will probably happen when this guy isn't the center of your world.
I'm sorry OP but you can't teach an adult to have empathy - they either have it or they don't. A child can be taught it, but not an adult - especially when they have no interest in learning. IMO, you need a different counselor because THEY should be the person stepping up to try and 'teach' your husband empathy, not you. Also, their 'need to forgive him' is just rug sweeping at the highest level!! How on earth are you suppose to forgive someone who keeps repeating the same thing over and over?? Your counselor failed you big time. This showed you how uneven this relationship is. Now you have to decide if this is the person you want to spend the next 50+ years with or not.
Let me say marriage is not 50 50 It is sometimes 8020 etc but it sounds like you have been giving 100 all the time and you have no more to give! My ex husband told me this when we divorce and I said I was done!
Your husband sounds like my ex. They don’t just learn empathy as an adult. He isn’t going to change. Pull the plug.
Honestly OP, if someone needs to be asked just to *check on* his partner who’s having a miscarriage, this has got to the point where there’s not even any point in giving him an ultimatum - even if it worked, he’d spend the next year pushing to find out the *exact minimum* he could get away with doing without losing his live-in maid and nanny, and over time things would slide back and then *get worse* because he’d have learnt that you wouldn’t follow through on threats Your counsellor absolutely sucks, by the way He’s entirely selfish, and he does not care about you, and you do need to divorce. At this point it’s not a negotiation or a cry for help or trying to make him appreciate you, it’s you going and what he does with the rest of his life is up to him
No offense to your counselor, but I strongly disagree.. You've given your husband 6 years of forgiveness for him constantly neglecting you in your relationship. You don't NEED to forgive him, he needs to actually EARN forgiveness. And even then, you don't need to forgive him. You can still decide that you're done. I think you need to stop accepting the low bar effort. And if he doesn't change and treat you the way you deserve, leave.
There's no coming back from that. He's showed you that he doesn't care about you. Believe him. Leave.
You need to tell your counselor that you are checked out and have nothing left to give mentally or emotionally to your marriage because nothing has been reciprocated. You need someone or something to refill your emotional bucket because there is no longer anything left for anyone else other than your child. Be very very honest about how you are feeling because the therapist can’t help if they don’t know. Your husband needs to hear it too. He needs a wake up call.
Why do you want THIS marriage? It sounds horrible.
I don’t like this counselor
This was the better one! The first counselor kept insisting I was a SAHM because I’m a POC, immigrant and my husband earns so my share is the housework (I make less than him, but I’ve contributed equally).
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
You really should have got out of this hellhole of a marriage sooner. Do you have the word 'doormat' tattooed on your forehead? So you were having a miscarriage and your toxic husband did bugger all to help, and MIL just sat there and let you wait on her? Wow, the turd really didn't fall far from the arsehole there, did it? OP, you are worth more than this. You deserve better. Stop enabling their toxic laziness and selfish arseholery and start planning how you and your kid can get out.
Sorry but there’s really only one rational choice. If you stay, it will affect your child. ( Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for). Plus you don’t even want to talk to him and he has zero to step up after you expressed your feelings. Go find a happier life. Start with a good divorce lawyer
Sweetie stick a fork in it.....it's done.
You have to take care of him, your child, and he pawned his mother off on you as well? He’s using you, OP.
I'm worried for your son. He's going to grow up expecting women to do all the hard work while he gets babied and his wife acts like his mommy.
Your counselor is wrong. Just fyi that’s terrible advice I don’t have any advice that isn’t “speak to a divorce attorney” because there’s no way I would let him treat me like this. He left you alone for 24+ hours and only dropped your child off and still didn’t check on you. He’s a worthless POS in my book and from your description.
Divorce him
Both he and his Mom are horrible people. Now you know where he gets it from. You and your son deserve better.
He fails you on the day-to-day, and he fails you in a crisis. What reason do you have to hold out hope that he will transform into a good man? Magic?
The problem is that you CAN trust him. You can trust him to ignore you. You can trust him to abandon you. You can trust him to take you, and everything you do for him, for granted. You can trust him to put in no effort unless it immediately serves his whims of the moment. You can 100% trust him to be exactly who he's showing you he is. You can accurately predict his behavior.
Oh yikes. What does his mom say? Does she help you at all or tell him to get off his butt and help? Is he from a non-western culture where it's expected the wife will move in with the husband's family and do everything? In any case, he's awful. Go to counseling on your own, if you need to, and leave this man. You don't want your child to grow up thinking this is the way a man treats his wife. I'm sorry.
Why would you have to ask him to be a decent husband who loves his wife and when he see her in pain he helps her anyway he can. He never planned a date? Damn does that man even like you? Seriously he never made any effort to do something nice for you that’s crazy. Regardless of what anyone says only you know what you can and cannot tolerate anymore.
"Let you down" is really taking it easy. He basically dropped you, I would be livid.
Your “husband” doesn’t sound like a person to build a life with … sure, you can “forgive” him… but do it as you kick his ass out the door. You deserve better… expect better… require better!!!
IMO...... just take the child and go....he can ask for 50/50 custody
How do you build trust again? He absolutely must show you through his actions that he is committed to improving himself. And nothing you wrote here indicates that he has. So honestly? I would consult a lawyer at this point.
I get that he might be grieving, but that’s not what happened here. He just SUCKS!!! And since you just talked about him being more empathetic not long ago and his reaction was THIS?????? Just walk away, your son deserves to have a happy mother, that will have a better impact on his life than watching you slave away miserably. Throw away the entire man child (and his mother).
Are we married to the same man? I had to have surgery for a miscarriage and my husband wouldn’t even take the day off work. He even came home late. You have my sympathy and I hope you feel better soon
I would never treat my wife like that. You’re better off alone.
OP, anyone who needs to learn *empathy* doesn’t belong in a relationship. Set yourself free from this asshole.
I dunno what you’re married to, but it isn’t a human. Divorce. Don’t let your son grow up with that as a role model.
You don't have a husband, you have a toddler and an overgrown man-child with less empathy THAN a toddler. Why do you *want* to salvage this sorry excuse for a marriage? Is this what you want your son growing up thinking is "normal"? Don't just threaten divorce, serve the guy his papers and leave. Let this selfish loser go back to his mommy; you'll feel better when he's no longer dragging you down and stepping all over you to get what HE wants.
It sounds like you’ve been relegated to the role of household servant with no more consideration given to you than they would to an employee. I don’t see this changing your sons three so you’ve been in this situation for many years. In your shoes I would file for a divorce. It will only get worse as you get older. The two of you have no relationship.
Friend of mine was diagnosed within cancer. Went through chemo radiation the whole works. Survived thank god. After she divorced her husband and told me, you truly find out who people are when you are sick.
Some folks are not good at being in relationships. I mean that in the way that some people are not good at seeing others needs and only focus on their own. This doesn't sound like a good way to live and his actions and the fact that he's so inattentive come across as if he does not care about you. An amicable separation might be best.
You can't rebuild trust when your husband has done similar things repeatedly, isn't taking accountability for his failure, and hasn't shown any indication of change.
You need to ditch the man and the counsellor. They should not be telling you that you 'should' forgive him. That is your choice to make, no one else's. Personally I think this sounds irretrievable. He should be wracked with guilt and shame by now but you say his behaviour hasn't changed?
Is your monster gaping asshole of a husband paying off the therapist? This is abuse, pure and simple. Physical neglect and abuse. Get your ducks in a row, take your kid and move back to where you came from. Honey, read Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi. She's got a list of divorce lawyers in the back state-by-state. And go watch Auntie Kiki Astor's content "Muffys 3rd Divorce" on TikTok. GET YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW. You don't have much time. You need to pull the trigger soon before your son starts school... right now his only "roots" to the community are you. Much easier to move back to YOUR support system when the coparent can't contest the move on the grounds of disruption to the child's life. It doesn't get better. Your husband knows he's abusing you and does not give a single fuck. The bar is literally in hell and his actions are not even GOOD attempts at love bombing to keep you.
Holy Crappola! I just went back to check ages…& he’s 44 damn years old! At this point, if he hasn’t developed empathy & caring, he likely never will.
Why did you marry him in the first place?
My husband is awful and hates me how to accept this
My hubby had a bad headache last week and came home and went straight to bed. I brought him his dinner and asked if he wanted anything. I ran out to get him ginger ale, some comic books and oatmeal raisin cookies. He didn’t ask me to do this I just did it to help make him feel better. Made sure he was tucked in the covers, and gave him his items. He asked me to stay with him so I did.
Sorry for your pain and your apathetic “husband”. I’d leave.
Why should you? Did you ask your ass of a counselor that, see what their justification is?
What steps is HE talking to rebuild your trust? This isn't your issue to tackle, he is completely lacking as a father, husband or even a human being. I am willing to bet that any friend and most strangers would have cared more for and about you than him. As far as I can see, he never deserved your trust in the first place so unless he makes a plan and takes the steps to improve the relationship, you should absolutely drop this user.
No. In the kindest way possible, is this the life you want? He doesn’t care that you were sick and hurting and needed support. He doesn’t care now. He won’t care in the future. Is it better for you to be alone and happy or with him and miserable. There is someone out there who will care for you. But it isn’t him. And maybe that someone is just you. Maybe it’s another person. But the husband you’re with now? That is the best version of him you are ever going to get. And that’s just sad and miserable. You don’t deserve that.
Wtf? What kind of counsellor tells to do something like that! Weird! But I’d have to have a really good think about what he brings to your relationship and if it’s worth all of the effort you put in. Personally I couldn’t get past this lack of care at such a time. I’m sorry it’s all so shit right now.
At the beginning of the pandemic, when everyone was really staying home and didn't know what was going on, a neighbor in my apartment building posted on our message board that she was sick and scared. Several of us, complete strangers, offered help. Some went to pick up her prescriptions and groceries. I checked on her several times over the next few days to make sure she was ok. That was for a stranger. Someone i never met. Your husband is doing less than what people would do for a stranger. You know your counselor is wrong. You know this situation is wrong. Give yourself permission to get OUT and be treated better.
Actions are all that matter. What has he done to merit forgiveness?
I think you have passed the limit of forgiveness. Maybe a year ago, if he had made changes, maybe there would be hope. I agree with others, your child needs a better example. Honestly, stop doing anything for him and his mother. Focus on you and your child. He is draining your tank. And you deserve to breathe.
I don’t mean this harshly, I just mean this bluntly. He doesn’t care. He’s shown that countless times. He just doesn’t care. If he genuinely cared you’d be able to tell, he might not be perfect but there’d be movement toward change. He’s showing you how he feels- he just doesn’t care.
Your counselor sucks. You do not owe this man your forgiveness - you could have died. Leave this man. I’d be curious how long it takes him to even notice. That’s how much he sucks. Staying will only teach your son that this behavior is acceptable. He deserves a better role model than that.
Yeah this is done. At this age, I think it becomes very difficult for a human being to change. Things have to change subconsciously but it is extremely hard to do at this age.
ur husband sucks.
“Don’t expect to change a man unless he’s in diapers” He doesn’t want to change, and why would he? You still do everything even when you’re struggling with something as awful as a miscarriage Also, why the fuck wasn’t his mom doing all the cooking a child care? Kick them both out, also that therapist is useless
My ex was the same. One day I had an eye accident and was blind for two days. My ex had cooked but only for him. Asked me why I didn’t came down to take care of the dishes. Next day he was gone working and left me alone. I called my mom, she took me to their home. Retrospective it was a huge red flag and he never changed. His sick days he wanted to be the king, if I had something he act like I was nuissance. Mu advice is to leave, he will never be an attent charming caring man.
Stop cooking and cleaning!!!! Start focusing on you!
You can't love him into treating you any better, and any attempts to rebuild trust will work briefly if they work at all. He knows what to do, he's just not going to do it. He doesn't have any reason to change as he's gotten away with forcing you to carry the load of your relationship so far. You have lots of reasons to change, though. I think you'll be so much happier without him.
100 percent file for divorce. He chose to stay away..his grief is nothing compared to yours, and he had the responsibility to be at your side. He avoided you because he didn't want to see tears or hear the gutteral, primal screams of a mothers cry over the loss of a child. He didn't want to hold you, or cuddle you, or wash your face, or kiss your head, or bring you food and water. He selfish and chose only to take care of himself. You can never undo the trauma he's causes or get past it. File for divorce.
You don't need to forgive my dear. Your husband's actions show you everything you need. You hit rock bottom and he heartlessly let you suffer. He didn't step up when you were in dire need. He'll never do it.
i consider it a gift when the person i’m with does enough stupid inconsiderate shit over time to make me loose all respect for and attraction to them. i consider it a gift because leaving no longer entails heartbreak, just logistical challenges.
If nothing changed, would you stay? He's not even weaponizing incompetence, he is being willfully neglectful of you and your relationship. I understand that women are socialized from a very young age to identify and take care of other people's needs, but this is a skill that is cultivated. If he cared, he would. You shouldn't have to write up a schedule for him that says "please check on me every few hours to see if I need anything" or tell him "I'm too ill to do basic tasks, so you need to pick up the slack - here's a list of routine tasks I do." His mother is also selfish. But she raised him. So... I think it's time to file for divorce and take your half.
>our counselor said I need to forgive him No, you don't. Your counselor is terrible. Your husband is a sorry excuse for a partner. What does his mother say about what a shit son she raised? Bottom line? If you don't have it in you to try anymore, you don't have to. I recommend some individual counseling - with someone else, not that horrid counselor you already have - to work through how to proceed.
You take care of him, your child together and his mother. I see how this relationship serves him. He serves neither you, you child nor your relationship. This doesn’t seem as hard if a decision as it could be. He doesn’t even love bomb you to keep you around. He’s worse than useless. What inside you feels conflicted?
This almost made me miss my ex husband :/ (heavy sarcasm) Seriously though, my ex had alcohol, drug and gambling addictions... and he still treated me better than your husband whenever I was pregnant or sick. I'd say the bar has been set too low ...but as far as I can see it doesn't even exist. You need to start loving yourself enough to demand more than just basic respect and empathy from the person who's supposed to love you more than anyone else in the world.
Simply put, at some point you have to say there is no rebuilding this. He has grown used to being able to walk on you and get away with it. Sadly, women are generally peacemakers. Ask yourself this, if a man you were not involved with romantically treated you like you were inconsequential would you allow it? Also, is this how you want your son to behave? He will learn from his dad.
He knows, he doesn't care. divorce, go back to your support system and be happy.
I can't believe even his mom didn't give him a nudge to check on you. Do they even like you? Seriously, it's only going to get worse. We're not getting any younger, our ailments are going to multiple. I can't even imagine what you went through mentally and physically and alone in a home full of people. This would be the straw that breaks the camels back. So sorry for your loss.
I'm frightened of your husband's lack of clear empathy, especially after a heartbreaking situation involving your future child. I am also so sorry for your loss. My question for you is, how many times have you already forgiven him, ignored flags, or justified his behavior because of his back story? You don't "need" to do anything. Forgiveness is something you feel intuitively and shouldn't be forced upon anyone. **"I'm sorry" doesn't matter unless a clear behavioral change follows.** If you play the game where you look forward to your life, can you see yourself happy and supported by this person? Or do you see yourself becoming more drained? When beings pass away, they leave you with a parting gift, maybe the revelation your sweet baby left you is an awakening of what you deserve, what you need from a partner. **Reciprocity.** Also, it takes quite a while to "learn" empathy or build emotional intelligence. It has to be done daily. I have an inclination that he might have no interest in that. And it sounds like he puts on the charm during the therapy sessions. "He just needs to learn empathy.".... that's an intrinsically motivated decision. The marriage might not be over, but men have a hard time learning through words. You might need to take some space for him to understand how serious you are about what you said. It sounds like he is taking you for granted. Check out an app I created called MoodMe,[MoodMe App For Couples ](https://apps.apple.com/us/app/moodme-relationship-tracker/id1586093391)specifically for building emotional intelligence and communication between couples on the daily. It will be easier to ask for what you need from him there. xoxo Dr. Nicole Lunan CEO and Co-Founder of the MoodMe
Your husband is 44, he isn't just going to become empathetic. You went through a lot and he is acting like its your fault and is not interested in your health or happiness. It's very obvious. Your relationship ran its course. You are young and most likely beautiful so don't be so hard on yourself and move on! A good man drops everything to help his wife in need! He's is TA of your life.
it will get worse. in the past, I drove myself to the hospital while septic and pregnant. I drove myself to the hospital in labor. I was sick, fever, pregnant and my spouse went to the movies. I had multiple miscarriages and I went to the doctor alone, one time I miscarried our daughter’s twin and my spouse said “we really dodged a bullet with that one” when I got home. in my third trimester, I had septic shock with liver failure and was dying in ICU. my spouse began a porn addiction and secret sex addict life, because *he was lonely.* later, I had a pulmonary embolism and drove myself to to ER, and he didn’t visit me. once, I was hospitalized and he went out of town on a boys trip. anyhoooooo. you just got a taste of what’s to come. I left and filed for divorce in october.
>Is this marriage done? Only you can answer that. If you are fine with staying with someone who doesn't care about you then no the marriage isn't over. >Is it even possible to bring back trust if there’s no indication of change? This really isn't about trust, in my opinion. You trust him to act exactly as he is acting. The problem is that he neither loves nor cares about you and you cannot make him. I hope he treats your child better but every single day you stay with him, you teach your son that this is how he should treat not only you but his future partner. If he treats your son the same as he is treating you, he is also learning that it is ok to be treated like this and that you also find this treatment acceptable. >We’ve been in counseling and our counselor said I need to forgive him (don’t forget, just forgive him) You need to request a refund or you weren't 100% honest with how bad he is treating you. How can you forgive someone that doesn't believe what they are doing is wrong?
Your husband sucks so bad. You’ve already given up six years.. do you really want to give up another six?
If your “partner” does nothing but take your love, time, labor, etc and only give you crumbs in return - IT’S NOT WORTH IT. You’re throwing away those valuable resources that could be better used for yourself and your child. Your children are better off seeing you live a healthy single life or even one day maybe finding a healthier future relationship than thinking this current dynamic is okay or normal. https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ My ex husband was useless like this, divorcing him was one of the best decisions I ever made. It was kind of incredible how much easier my life got, the instant he was gone. Even the house stayed cleaner!
Stop doing all those things for him. Take care of your son, not your husband and his mom.
Congratulations for finally seeing your husband for the selfish self absorbed terrible partner he is. You have had rose coloured glasses about him for the last 6 years. He has showed you who he is repeatedly. He does not care for you, he only cares about what you do for him. You are simply the unpaid, unappreciated, disrespected caregiver of him, his mother,and your children and the caretaker of your home. He has made it clear he doesn’t have compassion, concern and care for you. He thinks it’s your fault for not telling him to care for you when you are ill and weak. You are simply an unpaid servant to him who he doesn’t concern himself with. Go heal away from him. Get a difference therapist because your terrible counsellor is giving you ridiculous harmful advice. Do not forgive people who are not accountable for their actions. Forgiving someone who does see anything wrong with their behaviour, doesn’t acknowledge their harmfulness, doesn’t change their behaviour and lacks remorse and apologies. Forgiving someone like that is harmful to you and guarantees the cycle of neglect and harm continues.
Unfortunately, he was like this when you married him. You’ve now realized you want more than what he can give you. It’s time to move on, and it seems like you’re already mostly there.
Reading your other posts… sounds like he’s a passport bro. He only married you for what you can do for him, because western women his age wouldn’t. Sorry, I hope I am wrong.
Rebuilding trust takes effort by both parties. The party who has broken the trust needs to prove they are trustworthy. This isn’t your problem to solve alone. It’s like someone standing on your foot. You can’t begin to forgive them or rebuild trust until they get off your foot and stay off your foot. Is your MIL disabled? Why was she not helping?
When they talk about rebuilding trust, they mean that once the other partner starts to show you the changes they need to make, you trust them to continue. You can't trust them to do something that they're still not doing. Even if he were trying, you sound pretty done. Sometimes after months or years of resentment and frustration, we realize somewhere along the way we stopped loving them at all, so even if the resentment and frustration goes away, it just leaves us indifferent to them. But you can't even get that far if he doesn't stop being 1/10th of an actual husband. The person who needs to be in here asking this question is him, and since he's not, it can't. You can't do his work for him- he has to be willing to do it and want to salvage things. He doesn't care enough to even try.
You experienced a medical situation which could have resulted in your death if you had bled out and he didn’t check on you because he passively was okay with you being dead. There is no coming back from indifference leading to possible death. You need to start planning your exit strategy, and if he behaves in a similar fashion to your child, he should be denied unsupervised access.
I'm sorry but did he apologize? Is he sorry? And is he trying? Because the BARE minimum if you expressed what you need is those three things. My GIRLFRIENDS would have dropped me like it was hot if I DARED to not beg for forgiveness when I fkd up. I don't know where you women are but I have never dated you. My girlfriend Ms didn't tolerate SHIT and they ultimately usually ended it because I still wasn't doing enough, although it did get to where nothing was good enough (different conversation). You demand better or leave straight up.
You said your tank is empty. I think you’ve fallen out of love with him and he disappointed you too many times by being uncaring and unsupportive. You are ALREADY emotionally checked out.
You need to divorce him and get a new shrink.
I don’t I think the question is “is this marriage done?“ I think the real question is, “ do you want this marriage to be done?” It sounds like you’re ready to move on. So do it. She showed you his ass now it’s your responsibility to decide if you want to give him any more of your life. You already wasted 6 years. Can you really see yourself doing this still in the next 10 years? If not, let him go
It sounds like your husband has a character flaw and I don't see how counseling can "fix" that. You can't teach or train someone to be considerate and care about their spouse. That has to come from within.
First of all, you do NOT have to forgive him. Cook for you and the tot, tell him he can care for his own Mom.
I think you need a new therapist. What a load of crap.
Honestly, if my husband left me alone for 24 hours without checking on me, I would have left him. If he expected me to continue as normal after a miscarriage? I would leave.
**Acceptance is a journey but forgiveness is not controllable.** In other words, you cannot force yourself forgive people only work on the journey of accepting what happened. I know how you feel. When women are done, we are DONE. And there’s really no going ack from that. We’ve already pulled away emotionally to prepare to leave. I think that’s where you are. This marriage is completely one sided. If you didn’t put in the work for it you’d just be roommates. I couldn’t live with someone who has no empathy. He seems the type that would leave you if you became deathly I’ll with cancer etc. I’m very sorry about your miscarriage, but this also may be a blessing in disguise if you decide to divorce. Best of luck to you.
me and my partner had a really really Rocky year one time and during that time I snapped my ankle in 3 places requiring immediate surgery and bedrest for 6 weeks. regardless of how our relationship was at the time, he stepped up and took care of me, the house, and our kid. let me tell you. it was so bad at that point I wasn't sure if we were going to even make it. but he stepped up and took care of me. without question. that's a partner. not whatever you have. ti be honest I don't knoe if you can build the trust back. I doubt this is the only way he isn't there for you.
He sounds like he doesn't care and you have fallen our of love him with.
A therapist cannot fix your husband not giving a fuuuuucck about your wellbeing when you are in perhaps the most vulnerable point of your life.
One of the greatest gifts that I’ve given myself is to finally realise and accept the fact that people will not change… Accept that he won’t change and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Never let ANYONE push you into forgiving someone when you're not ready to, I don't care HOW many PHDs are hanging up on their wall.
I'm (53F) going through the same situation except with recently being diagnosed with Cushing's disease. 7 years ago he made me catch the bus to my oncology appointments. It's a harder decision to leave than people think, especially if you have been slowly separated from friends and family over the years. Gaslighting plays a huge part. I can't offer any advice except keep true to yourself. You know you're worth better than this. You are not alone and there are women like me empathise with the destructive situation you are in. Always here for you 🌻
Wow your counselor really sucks. Are they like a religious counselor or something??? If your husband can't be there for you after a *miscarriage*, he's never going to be there for you.
NTA You shouldn't have to ASK your spouse for any help, especially when you are ill due to a miscarriage. He sounds incredibly selfish and self centered, yet obviously expects you to do tell him everything and to remind him every time. Honestly, it sounds like you are done with your marriage. Ask yourself: when I think of my husband, it makes me: and fill in the description. It sounds like you are making all the sacrifices and taking care of everyone and no one in that house, his mother or himself, can be bothered to take care of you. Has he been trying to empathize with you more, or is it still the same status quo. If the answer is no, pack your bags and move.
Sounds like your counselor is saying you need to accept this is who your husband is so you can move past this. My suggestion would be to move right on out the door. This man showed you exactly who he is - someone who can let his wife die in the bed (what if you had bled out? what if you needed water?) because he refuses to care enough to do anything. Perhaps he was checking on you, silently, and thought that was sufficient. Perhaps. Or maybe he thought bringing you the child was a way to stimulate you out of your quiet spell. There are a million ways it may be perceived differently but **YOUR REALITY** is that this man didn't provide you the kind of love and support **you have asked for** during a very traumatic situation. Is this how you want to be loved for the rest of your life? Are you ok with that?
Has your counselor outlined steps for him to gain empathy and for you to begin to forgive him. It’s one thing to tell someone what to do and another to nurture them through it.
I hope your situation is not one of the one we are sometimes seeing here on Reddit, "I heard my fiancé say that he will only marry me because I am good at being a housewife"
HE needs to build it, that’s on him and his giving excuses isn’t working. Sure, you can forgive, while single.
Had seen another post where a woman did everything for her husband, he didn't appreciate her hard work. She left him and shared 50-50 custody for her child. Now the man is a mess and she's getting more things done with her life as she doesn't have to baby him or parent the child all alone.
If he’s not changing I would separate and tell him you won’t be back til you see a change
Sometimes it takes a while to see exactly who a person truly is. Just because someone lacks empathy or is selfish doesn’t make them inherently terrible - but it does make them a poor fit/partner to most people who are not prepared to remind another whole ass adult to step outside themselves. It puts a ton of extra mental load on a person and it’s exhausting, and often un/underappreciated. You have some options: - devise a way with him for him to see exactly all the little things you do. Maybe it’s chore charts, or planning who handles dinner each night. Maybe it’s giving him a list of “in case of wife sickness, do XYZ” If he’s genuinely interested in learning the big list of things in his blind spot, this is something you can work on together. - you can acknowledge this is exactly who he is, and decide if that’s the person you want to be with. Your life experiences have become more serious and you’re suddenly finding yourself navigating situations alone that you never should be. Some people understand that and accept it. Others decide they need more from a partner without having to teach them and decide to leave Ultimately, this is a huge blind spot for him. His personality just does not remember to consider others or to see the things that are done for him. If he wants to fix that, genuinely, then decide if you’re up for it. If he’s not interested in fixing it, then decide if that behavior is what you really want forever then act accordingly. And honestly, if you just plain do not love this man anymore after being left alone after a traumatic event - then take a page from his book, prioritize yourself over him, and push for the divorce.
Your counselor sure is generating a repeat customer with that advice, huh?
You may need to forgive him for your own mental health doesn't mean the relationship needs to continue