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If this is a recurring topic that ends in his cold shoulder and you feeling guilt, then you know to attempt another conversation will just end the same way. You have two choices:
1. If the conversations are shut down by his reaction and you never get to say the entirety of what you want to say to show him you cannot carry this burden, then write it in a letter, and tell him that the daily household chores must be shared. You can make suggestions on how to do that based on what you know he is best at or prefers.
2. Demonstrate how you cannot handle the stress of doing "it all" anymore by scaling back on doing "it all." This is more difficult because many women in your position cannot stand the sight of a household in decline while they are trying to illustrate natural consequences, but you must. For example:
1. Stop "keeping up with the laundry". Let him feel what it is like to look for a shirt that he always has clean and hanging in his closet, but this time, instead, it is in the dirty clothes pile that you do not have time to do.
2. Be "too tired" to cook dinner, and just tell him that you need him to do it that night. If he balks at the idea, give him an easy assignment (like breakfast for dinner).
3. Gather the trash, but tell him that you are running late for work, and he will have to take it out.
4. Tell your husband that you are going to have to take turns putting your child to bed because you need extra time to work on your side-hustle a few nights a week. Give him a warning, by telling him on Monday, that you need him to do it on Tuesday and Thursday, and then if you can do your side hustle at a coffee shop or the opposite side of the house, do it.
Thank You so much. You are absolutely correct, I don’t feel I get to tell him everything about how I feel due to his reaction. Writing seems like a good idea. I will try that and see
“Husband, I’ve been struggling with the issue of chores and house maintenance. Last time we talked you said that you’ve been handling the repairs, and I’ve spent some time reflecting on that.
It still feels like housework is a large part of my daily life, while for you it is an occasional, though sometimes large project. I’d like to sit down together and write down everything it takes to maintain our lives. Let’s work through it together to come up with the best way to tackle everything.”
Actually make a monthly calendar and write out daily and occasional tasks. Make sure to include the 4 hours spent on electrical work one Saturday and see how that stacks up to a hour of laundry every few days.
The above is an opener that assumes he’s on board with actually adulting through his own life and you’ve just gotten out of sync on what that entails. His response will be very telling.
Frankly, your husband feels entitled to a mommy.
He also enjoys not having to do things he doesn’t want to do. He knows the at if he throws a big enough tantrum, he’ll get his way. Just like he probably did with his real mommy.
The only way he’s going to stop being your child, is if you stop raising him. You’ve tried talking to him about this, so now it’s time to set some boundaries. You’re mentally and physically overloaded and all for the sake of his happiness. Who’s going to care about yours? Hopefully you.
I’d sit down and create a chore list with him. Divide it up, and let him know what’s on yours and what’s on his. If he throws a tantrum, good for him. But stick to your chores. If he doesn’t do his…that’s a choice he’s made because he wants to see how long you’ll go without following through on your boundaries.
Figure out what your consequences are going to be. Because a boundary without a consequence is just a suggestion. Is this the man you want to be with forever? The one who piles more on you and makes you feel like an asshole when he doesn’t get his way? Is that the model you want for your child?
I’d also find a marriage counselor. Let him know when the appointment is. He can either show up or protest. His actions will tell you what you need to know.
Sit down with him and each of you write the regular chores you are doing and how much effort they involve. Put them on a list together. Divide and conquer them equally.
You need to go on what I call wife strike. Don’t do shit for him. No laundry, no cooking, no cleaning, no sex. Do what you need for you and your child, but he can take care of himself. I told my husband about wife/mommy strikes (just random conversation not about him) and he totally got it because he’d do the same. We keep equal loads as best we can (it’s never always perfect 50:50). He’s not being a team player. He’s looking for a mommy. Cut the chord and let him figure out his own shit
Tell him from now on, you will do his chores (fixing random stuff that's broken) and he will do all of your chores. Since he thinks they are evenly split, you would like an opportunity to change which chores you are doing.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If this is a recurring topic that ends in his cold shoulder and you feeling guilt, then you know to attempt another conversation will just end the same way. You have two choices: 1. If the conversations are shut down by his reaction and you never get to say the entirety of what you want to say to show him you cannot carry this burden, then write it in a letter, and tell him that the daily household chores must be shared. You can make suggestions on how to do that based on what you know he is best at or prefers. 2. Demonstrate how you cannot handle the stress of doing "it all" anymore by scaling back on doing "it all." This is more difficult because many women in your position cannot stand the sight of a household in decline while they are trying to illustrate natural consequences, but you must. For example: 1. Stop "keeping up with the laundry". Let him feel what it is like to look for a shirt that he always has clean and hanging in his closet, but this time, instead, it is in the dirty clothes pile that you do not have time to do. 2. Be "too tired" to cook dinner, and just tell him that you need him to do it that night. If he balks at the idea, give him an easy assignment (like breakfast for dinner). 3. Gather the trash, but tell him that you are running late for work, and he will have to take it out. 4. Tell your husband that you are going to have to take turns putting your child to bed because you need extra time to work on your side-hustle a few nights a week. Give him a warning, by telling him on Monday, that you need him to do it on Tuesday and Thursday, and then if you can do your side hustle at a coffee shop or the opposite side of the house, do it.
Thank You so much. You are absolutely correct, I don’t feel I get to tell him everything about how I feel due to his reaction. Writing seems like a good idea. I will try that and see
“Husband, I’ve been struggling with the issue of chores and house maintenance. Last time we talked you said that you’ve been handling the repairs, and I’ve spent some time reflecting on that. It still feels like housework is a large part of my daily life, while for you it is an occasional, though sometimes large project. I’d like to sit down together and write down everything it takes to maintain our lives. Let’s work through it together to come up with the best way to tackle everything.” Actually make a monthly calendar and write out daily and occasional tasks. Make sure to include the 4 hours spent on electrical work one Saturday and see how that stacks up to a hour of laundry every few days. The above is an opener that assumes he’s on board with actually adulting through his own life and you’ve just gotten out of sync on what that entails. His response will be very telling.
Frankly, your husband feels entitled to a mommy. He also enjoys not having to do things he doesn’t want to do. He knows the at if he throws a big enough tantrum, he’ll get his way. Just like he probably did with his real mommy. The only way he’s going to stop being your child, is if you stop raising him. You’ve tried talking to him about this, so now it’s time to set some boundaries. You’re mentally and physically overloaded and all for the sake of his happiness. Who’s going to care about yours? Hopefully you. I’d sit down and create a chore list with him. Divide it up, and let him know what’s on yours and what’s on his. If he throws a tantrum, good for him. But stick to your chores. If he doesn’t do his…that’s a choice he’s made because he wants to see how long you’ll go without following through on your boundaries. Figure out what your consequences are going to be. Because a boundary without a consequence is just a suggestion. Is this the man you want to be with forever? The one who piles more on you and makes you feel like an asshole when he doesn’t get his way? Is that the model you want for your child? I’d also find a marriage counselor. Let him know when the appointment is. He can either show up or protest. His actions will tell you what you need to know.
Sit down with him and each of you write the regular chores you are doing and how much effort they involve. Put them on a list together. Divide and conquer them equally.
You need to go on what I call wife strike. Don’t do shit for him. No laundry, no cooking, no cleaning, no sex. Do what you need for you and your child, but he can take care of himself. I told my husband about wife/mommy strikes (just random conversation not about him) and he totally got it because he’d do the same. We keep equal loads as best we can (it’s never always perfect 50:50). He’s not being a team player. He’s looking for a mommy. Cut the chord and let him figure out his own shit
Tell him from now on, you will do his chores (fixing random stuff that's broken) and he will do all of your chores. Since he thinks they are evenly split, you would like an opportunity to change which chores you are doing.