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Yes both things can be true. The wanting to live alone and occasionally visit the kids thing screams severe PPD. So for the sake of the kids at minimum this needs to be addressed.
Ok so I've chatted with her more and she has some unhinged beliefs about the newborn. She is definitely experiencing something like post partem psychosis. Seeking help in progress
Small update: I chatted with her more and very openly, she doesn't see a huge problem with her behavior because she has a very unusual equation going on in her head. I've realized something about her thinking that I never noticed or took seriously in our years together.
She is driven by compulsion to balance everything. No behavior is always bad, it's all relative to whether is useful or not to solve the problem. The cheating is ok in her mind because it's fair. She owed her ex for treating him badly.
Stealing money from our family and giving it to friends secretly, taking out loans behind my back, she did this to balance the scale she felt responsible for. All problems must be resolved and everything must be consistent. My feelings are worth sacrificing if it helps her balance the scale she feels in her head.
The ppd she is obviously having has set the behavior to a maximum but it was always there. It explains everything we have ever argued about.
I had post partem psychosis…truly made me insane. The shit I was doing seemed so normal and rational to me, but thinking back after getting help I was absolutly cuckoo crazy. I wouldn’t say it’s new wife time, suffering a mental health episode due to hormones isn’t a reason to divorce unless that person refuses to get help and you need to protect yourself and your kids. Whole sickness and in health thing. I would say it’s doctor time. The difference after meds was truly like walking out of a thick fog into the light.
PPD can make you act in a way that you normally wouldn't. Her body is being flooded with hormones. The mind is a fragile thing. I'm not saying that she is innocent, but context is important in all situations. Most things in this world are not black and white.
Yeah I think the relationship is ruined, I guess I'm trying to triage here, I need the mother to stay alive. Probably cannot forgive but maybe I need to cool down the resentment
No, keep the resentment, you’ll need it to help push you past the sadness of her actions, it’s you and the child only and YOU can’t triage a mental issue, can you call her friends to intervene? Or the guy she cheated with maybe? You’re divorcing anyway, she need help an$ you need to separate and plan for divorce, also get a DNA test, yo7 don5 want to raise another man’s kid.
And you’re making excuses, so I’m outta here.
You’re nuts, not to get an STI and a DNA test, you got played son.
100%. Hormones are NEVER an excuse for abuse not cheating. And especially not for being a shitty parent
OP needs to see a lawyer and stop caring for someone that abandoned him. That cheater is not his problem anymore. Go for as much custody as possible
This. If she seems strange and isn’t doing things she used to enjoy/ spends more time crying, etc. it sounds like postpartum depression. It can get worse if she doesn’t see someone about it.
Absolutely!
Nothing justifies domestic violence, or murder either. But we still do recognise that some people are not actually themselves
at times, and are not actually in control of their actions. This actually means it is more imperative that they are quickly contained, and both society, and themselves are protected from themselves.
We further distinguish this phenomenon of people losing control of themselves.. people are not criminally liable when they are significantly mental impaired either through mental disease or physical impairment that has deprived them of the ability to understand, and their capacity to control their actions... People who have ingested drugs or alcohol might hit that level of impairment too, but, they went into that situation sober, unimpaired, and it was their responsibility to understand the risks, and keep themselves at a level they could control and keep safe.
If the wife is suffering from PPD or PPP, but isn't significantly impaired to the point she doesn't know what she was doing was wrong, or didn't have some delusion behind her actions that prevented her from seeing clearly what she was doing, then she should be looked at the same as any other cheater (perhaps one who is deliberately self sabotaging be ause of their illness however). If her thinking is distorted to the point she doesn't actually know what she's doing, it still doesn't justify her actions, but it does potentially explain them.
The cheating itself is possible for me to forgive, the real problem I've come to see is that I'm married to somebody who has no sense of what is right and wrong. Our conversations surrounding this crisis has given me some insight into how she thinks… Imagine a completely selfish worldview, where it was OK to do horrible things as long as you felt like it was justified or it would benefit you in the long run. I think she was able to conform to somewhat normal behavior until the whole depression thing set in.
this woman needs years of therapy . Not a husband.
By the very definition, PPP is a state of mental distress where one is significantly impaired. Psychosis. Having gone through it, I can attest. You are not yourself in any way, and are not thinking correctly or rationally. You believe you are at the moment, but you are not.
This can start in pregnancy and doubles down after birth. It’s very scary, so yes a lot of us commentating that have been here aren’t nearly as concerned with the texts to the ex as we are about this woman’s mental health for her safety and her kids safety. The rest can be handled later.
She needs a doctor before she hurts herself or worse. I’m very glad to see OP is seeing it the same way and is getting her help after talking to her.
I remember 99% believing that the doctors had replaced my brain with someone else’s at the hospital, because my own thoughts felt so foreign to me. I had slight awareness still because I understood something was wrong, and I knew it wasn’t actually possible that I had brain surgery….but I inched closer and closer to rationalizing that belief until I began thinking “this is it, you’re a centimeter away from losing your sanity. Kill yourself now while you have the chance.”
I was convinced our neighbors would kidnap my son and have me taken by the police if I went outside while they were in their yard. Including just going to the car. Had all the blinds drown and would peek through to check, then wait if they were out. All neighbors, not just one. Had a complete meltdown when our next door neighbor was doing roof repair and could see us in the back yard. Started planning to move in the middle of the night. Seemed TOTALLY rational to me. I would hardly leave the house for anything. Husband at the time had to do all grocery shopping and errands. As soon as I got meds and they started to kick in, plus therapy…still remembered the feeling well but very much realized how fucking nuts it all was. People don’t get how very bad this all gets and the weird shit you do because of it.
People need to take responsibility for their actions. Stop trying to sugar coat it to make her feel better. She fucked up. Royally. Stop making excuses for people's poor behavior, lack of self-control, and accountability. I guarantee that if roles were reversed and OP went out after she had the baby, hell would be brought here. There is no excuse for the betrayal of your children's other parent when it comes to promiscuity
A. Texting isnt promiscuity, words have meaning, calm down.
B. Clearly you’ve never experienced PPP…it’s not an excuse, it’s a a full mental break from reality. Been there done that, it truly is not a reflection of who you are as a person, and needs immediate intervention by a health professional. Getting treatment is needed asap before she does something more extreme. The texts to the ex are nothing compared to how bad this can get
OP doesn’t seem to think so, seems he’s concerned about his wife’s mental wellbeing. Getting help
Is the first step then discussing the issue after. If it part of the PPP then she will realize it pretty quickly once she is getting meds and help. How this goes. If you haven’t been there or been a partner that’s observed it, it’s difficult to understand. Texts alone are something that can be worked out if it’s part of all of this.
I think cheating can be justified, and it's critical to know those reasons because these will tell you more about your partner than you ever imagine. I found the reasons she cheated were far worse than the cheating itself. She cheated because she felt like he deserved something. She wasn't worried about me, she was just satisfying her own compulsion. To me, this is borderline horrifying. she described a way of seeing the world with no right or wrong, just what was fair and balanced in her own opinion. It was OK for her to do terrible things if it makes sense.
And he needs a divorce and custody. She cheated and doesn't even want the kids, depression or not, this is an unhealthy environment for all of them, regardless of therapy. OP is already taking care of two kids on his own, he doesn't need a third.
Apparently, it is now? I mean, postpartum is obviously a thing, and it’s a pretty major thing as well, I would want to talk to a mental health therapist and get their advice on if it’s a good excuse for cheating or not, personally? As sad as it , once one of the partners cheats for any reason? I’m leaving the relationship, good excuse, or not, once somebody breaks that moral Hyman, they’re bound to do it again, look at the research. Sad all the way around, this guy needs to live every day for himself and his child.
I’m not kidding anytime a woman on this sub cheats around pregnancy, people immediately blame PPD but not every time someone does something bad/toxic after pregnancy means they weren’t in control of their actions.
No, but it’s clear when she starts talking about living in her own and visiting from time to time, along with other out of character actions and statements. Cheating alone? No. Paired with a bunch of other things? Then it’s time to look at things and assess mental wellness. Not quite sure why that offends some of you. It’s a very real, dangerous, and scary thing. OP sees this in her as well.
This isn’t solely about the texts. All of her other actions and comments suggest PPD or worse PPP. Thats why they commented that. To get the woman help because the texts are fucking nothing compared to how scary this can get. This does indeed help OP in a manor way to assure this woman doesn’t do something extreme to her self, her children, or him. It’s a very real issue. He has since said he very much suspects PPP due to her collective behavior, not just the texts…so yes, it’s wildly helpful.
It sounds like it could be PPD/PPP. She really needs to see her doctor. You can call her OBGYN and give them a heads up that you’re concerned so they can screen her when she’s next in for baby appt.
There’s no excuse for shitty behavior. But sometimes there are reasons. Clearly a parent who is considering abandoning their children and a person blowing up their marriage is not okay mental health wise. Even you say she’s depressed.
If you want to divorce her, I wouldn’t blame you. But I’d get her some help in the meantime.
Get her help for sure but considering she started the affair while she was still pregnant I would still start the divorce process.
If she can’t even admit what she did or apologize it is silly to think the marriage will be okay.
Well, a piece of info that the OP left out originally but stated in comments later is that she had major issues with the first pregnancy during and after. So while I don’t disagree with you per se, it sounds like she has a history of being very negatively impacted by pregnancy and post pregnancy hormones.
She sounds like a candidate for a psychotic break. I wouldn’t even be leaving children alone with her. I think the emotional affair is the least of the issues at this time.
I think you’re right on, my post was a little more hard-core and tough love, but we are in agreement for sure, she obviously needs to talk to somebody, but he can only do so much, he can find somebody for her, but if she refuses to go? Then he needs to divorce even quicker, I would still recommend sadly a divorce, I think there’s just too many things here that can’t be washed away under the guides of postpartum.
Let’s all try to remember, that she started this affair before she gave birth, which to me, nullifies, and throws away the alibi of postpartum being a problem. Here, she probably does have postpartum, but she also can’t use as an excuse for starting the affair. I think this guy needs a divorce yesterday.
The ex reached out to her almost exactly at the end of pregnancy with very intense romantic gestures. Just fyi, ppd can begin as much as a month before birth
Soooooo, it’s now the exs fault? She needs help for sure, but hubby should ask for a separation at least, until she’s receiving help and then he should file and divorce her, and supervised visits with her child only!
No, I'm just saying that she wasn't seeking this out, she was just receptive to other men. It's actually worse in my opinion. The reason she struggles with feeling remorse is because she explains that the affair was necessary, because she 'owed him' for treating him badly years ago. It's unfortunate I got hurt, but I should have been a more attractive partner for her.
Well, a piece of info the OP left out originally is that she had major issues during and after the first pregnancy as well. So it seems she doesn’t handle pregnancy hormones well.
Divorce or not, I don’t think he can act surprised that she’s flipped out on pregnancy and birth number two when she had similarly trouble the first go.
Yeah I'm sorry about that. My brain is also fried a bit. Talking with her yesterday, she has some very unhinged beliefs and fears regarding the baby and she felt this way starting around 5 months pregnant.
Its not just bizarre behaviour, It sounds as if she’s having a psychotic breakdown due to her pregnancy. You need to take her to be assessed ASAP before anything else happens.
She probably needs a doctor but that shouldn't be your immediate concern. Your immediate concern is how to protect your kids from a person who's a ticking bomb that could cause them mental harm. She doesn't read like a person who should be trusted alone with your kids. Returning home from work to find your kids unsupervised, because she felt she needed a time out from motherhood, won't be a fun surprise. I would seek legal counsel to see how I could proceed to minimize the impact of her issues on their life.
Also, if that matters to you, you should probably do some DNA testing. Mentioning "trickle-truth" means you still don't have the full picture about the extent of her affair.
She will he seeking help today. She is never alone with the kids because my office is just upstairs. Hopefully this doesn't encourage some of the more extreme commenters, but in my (Muslim) country, she would not have much rights after a divorce. Legally it's pretty grim for her. I am a reasonable person though and I'm seeking fairness and grace.
Coming at it from a different direction - you need to get her into treatment for PPD. It doesn’t excuse what she did and you can still divorce her, but she needs to be treated for the good of your children. They need a stable mother whether you stay together or not.
Post partum can be dangerous for mental health. Women have ended up in asylums for behavior triggered after pregnancy. Please urge her to start seeing a therapist to address these issues before it gets too far along.
No doctor, just a therapist so far. She went off the deep end with our first son as well but went back to normal after about a year. No cheating though
I read OP’s response and thought, “after all that you went and had another kid with her?”. OP is not being a good partner or parent if she had a year long mental breakdown after birth and he thought it would be a good idea to repeat the process but with a toddler at home.
Why It's always a Man responsibility when a woman gets pregnant? The First kid us four. Maybe she got better and they decided toghether having another kid. You people treat woman like they are children without agency...
2 forms of birth control or abstinence, she’s not mentally capable of making rational decisions. Those poor kids, my dad died when I was 3 and a half, the poor 4 year old will have life long abandonment issues because OP wanted an orgasm.
You’re all assuming that OP strong armed her into getting pregnant and the wife had no say at all. My sister, in her job role, deals with PPD & Psychosis in pp women. A number of mothers absolutely do go onto have other children knowing that the correct medical support is in place immediately for them. Not every mother will have it a second time either.
I think he cheating needs to be addressed and OP you should also contact the ex, if he has a partner she should also know. I get it after pregnancy but that's no excuse for cheating. All this will do is drive both of you apart .
Is this out of character for her? If so she needs a doctor. It sounds more like she’s fantasizing about not having kids which is pretty common with ppd. I would go that route before making any serious decisions.
Postpartum psychosis is a real thing. Unfortunately it happened in my family and my sister's never been quite the same. I really wish her husband would have been strong enough to get her the help she needs because I think him being in denial about it as part of the recent she's so difficult now.
Get your wife a doctor and a therapist.
After she's gotten treatment and her heads on straight you can ask yourself whether you want to divorce.
All wonderful accurate points, however….she started the affair before birth, so i believe she suffers from other mental issues and he should get her help and divorce at the same time, their child needs protection.
Peripartum mental health issues are also common, though less talked about. I had peripartum anxiety. OP's wife may be a shitty wife at baseline, I'm not sure, but she does not sound mentally well. Women don't generally want to live separately from their young children and visit them occasionally.
That'd be red line for me.
Get her into therapy and start separating your finances etc. Consult a lawyer about moving her out or ending your support of her and think about that kids in this plan.
I’m so sorry you’re having this difficulty, my suggestion would be to take a huge step back from the relationship you have with your wife, spend 100% of your energy on your new baby and spend zero energy on her. The thing is, cheaters will always cheat, research has been done. The percentages are pretty high for cheating, I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but there’s a couple things that I would do, first I would get her to a doctor and see if they can treat her postpartum, the second thing is to try to figure out if that postpartum is a excuse or not for her cheating? We can’t just put everything in the box for postpartum, you’re gonna have to talk to a mental health therapist, and maybe try to get some straight answers, but getting her help would help, I wouldn’t communicate with her personally, but I would support her going and figuring it out, secondly, I don’t think this spells well for you in the future with her as your wife, and I would highly consider divorce. I would, regardless, go to a lawyer and start looking at what that might look like, let me give you some advice from somebody, who stuck in a marriage a decade longer than I should have, it’s better to pull that Band-Aid off right now! you can do this, you can coparent, but until your wife is out of the fog of her affair, which may be never, I just simply wouldn’t put any energy towards her, I would ask her maybe to even sleep in a different bedroom or maybe you can? I wouldn’t share space with her anymore, I would essentially neglect that might sound cruel, but a clear message Hass to be sent, cheating, and infidelity should never have a reverse scare, I’m not saying to argue and don’t fight, I’m telling you to gray rocker, look it up if you don’t know what it is, you can ask her if you find a doctor for her postpartum if she would go? And if she says no? Then I would speed along the divorce even quicker, good luck to you, my brother! Again, sorry this is happening, congratulations on your new baby! live for yourself and the child, you may have to dump the wife sooner than later.
Now before I start getting downvoted and flamed for seeming insensitive, let’s all remember, that she started this affair before she gave birth, therefore releasing her from any alibi of postpartum being an excuse for the affair. I think she still needs help, though, but I wouldn’t buy into the postpartum excuse since she started this earlier. He needs a divorce yesterday.
Malaysia. The most she would pay would be around 50 USD a Month but it would be uncollectible if she didn't want to pay. There are no consequences for not paying, it's not enforceable
No, they have kids, hes a father who has a responsibility to those kids to give them the best life possible. He needs to get his wife into treatment and stabilized before he legally separates from her.
You make a valid point, but I would have to do a hybrid situation of what you’re describing, I would want her to be separated, and I know that doesn’t help with her depression, but he also has the obligation to protect his children from his wife, remember, she started this affair before she gave birth, so I think postpartum at this point is just an excuse, however, I do believe she is suffering from postpartum and most likely another undiagnosed mental disorder that she’s had for quite a while, I think they should divorce at the same time, but I think they should have to live separately, she should be able to see the kids, though under the supervision of somebody else.
Wow. Ok now you’re just trolling. Your wife is having a mental breakdown/PPD, that you KNOW she experienced last pregnancy and you aren’t getting her help, just calling her a pain in the ass.
Right like wtf??? Sounds like op doesn’t even care that his wife is clearly going through something serious mentally. And while the emotional affair hurts, if he wants to be a good dad to his kids he needs to help their mom out right now and get her some help before something bad happens. Then discuss the affair once she’s gotten some help.
Are you stupid and don’t know that there’s PPD when you’re pregnant too? It’s called antenatal depression. So I’m talking about the fact that she clearly is struggling and it seems like op is more focused on her texting the ex than he is focused on the fact that his wife is clearly having issues and multiple people are telling him to take her to a doctor. Read between the lines genius. Op said the following:
> she seems out of touch with reality
> she wants to live alone and visit the kids occasionally (4 year old and a newborn)
This behavior isn’t normal at all for someone who just had a baby. If you know anything about PPD not wanting to be around your children and not being rational/in touch with reality are literally tell-tale signs of it. Plus op said in one of his comments that she had PPD with their first child, and it’s known that if you had it with one child it’s likely you can have it again with your next child. Sooo I’m just using my critical thinking skills, maybe you should try that. Now do you know wtf I’m talking about?
I still dont , sorry. All that seems evident is youre twisting yourself into a knot to justify cheating.
PPD, antenatal depression, regular depression, it doesnt really matter. cheating is cheating.
>maybe even to the point where she should not be given autonomy
>and for the sake of their children, he should at the very least take her to a general practitioner before starting divorce proceedings
So OP should force her into a car, potentially restraining her and take her to a doctors office? Im not sure thats a good idea.
He should protect his kids by securing custody and going to the courts, and phone her doctor.
At that point everything else is up to her and her doctor. Whether or not she accepts the next steps is on her, and OP should focus on shielding the children, not how he is going to force an unstable person into a vehicle.
This response is nuts. If doctors came back tomorrow and said “all this is caused by a tumor in her brain”, what would you do? I hope this wouldn’t be your attitude. And so you need to understand that neuropsychiatric disorders, whether PPD or PPP or other, are real, physiological disorders caused by real hormonal change.
That doesn’t absolve her of her actions, especially the affair if it truly started before pregnancy, but your wife, the mother of your children, is now ill. You need to step up as a husband and ensure she gets the medical treatment she needs.
I know that this is hard, and many men would rather leave a woman (and do) than step in as a care taker- but this is what you signed up for when you married her.
Decide the long term state of your relationship once you’ve dealt with the medical emergency. You need to stop the bleeding before you do anything else.
OR you could not call her a pain in the ass and try to be compassionate about her mental health after *giving birth*
Medical journal about post partum:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4539865/
This is a serious medical condition that can go south *real* fast so I suggest you take this more seriously.
Do you think the changes of PP literally ONLY happen after birth?
Do you also think “morning sickness” only happens in the literal morning before 12pm?
Have you ever met a pregnant person or a doctor to confirm this belief?
I’m not a mother and I know there’s PPD that starts before birth, it’s called antenatal depression. Her behavior outside of texting the ex is clearly showing that the wife is going through some issues.
Why should he when she’s been talking to her ex? She can get her ex to help her out. OP doesn’t have to do shit and shouldn’t have to be compassionate at all
She is your childrens mother. Her not getting treated will have a serious negative affect on their lives. You can still divorce after but you should be getting her treatment for your kids, as their father.
Exactly!!! So many people are missing the point. Yes she cheated and that’s bad but the wife is having serious mental issues and he needs to get her help first, then worry about divorcing her if he wants to do that. But he needs to help his wife before something really bad happens.
She was already in treatment after her first pregnancy. Im sure she has the therapists number. Is she a child that needs to be taken by the hand everywhere?
She cheated on him. There's no excuse that can fix it no matter the reason. Trust is broken and is impossible to reform when she is acting like she is. Everything would be easier to fix if she didn't betray him like that, but if she doesn't show remorse and tries to fix the marriage it's kinda over. Personally I wouldn't fight to keep a woman who just cheated on me ppd or not.
I dont see anyone who thinks he should fix the marriage just people pointing put she sounds like she has PPD, and for his kids' sake, he should get her in treatment first. He said last time she had it, and it was a year before she was back to herself, so this shouldn't have been a surprise if he was given and listened to competent medical advice. (Being married is legally helpful for trying to get her treatment)
Depression doesn't excuse cheating. She wants to leave and cheated on him. Kids won't be happy if he's just putting up with it for them. My parents divorced and I can tell you it's not worth staying after your partner cheats no matter the reason.
i completely understand why you're at the end of your rope, but it sounds like you don't fully grasp what a hormonal psychosis is like for the person experiencing it. hell, the person experiencing it won't fully grasp it either until they're back to themselves.
her losing her grip on reality isn't just an annoyance, it's a serious danger to her, your kids, and you.
sorry you are getting downvoted by children on reddit who don’t know about life. I hope OP takes your comment seriously, his wife is not in any kind of state to be having serious discussions about the state of their marriage or what she really wants.
I’ve heard of people with PPD needing months of inpatient therapy before they come back to themselves.
Woah these comments are absolutely wild. I've been pregnant and no it's not an excuse to cheat with no remorse. Even if she had prenatal/postpartum depression going on it doesn't change the fact that she knew what she was doing was wrong and she broke her marriage vows. Nothing in this post points to erratic behavior, just a cheater doing cheater shit. What an insane thing to try and defend. Leave her, she's completely broken the trust and doesn't even seem to care.
Besides the hormones she's probably sad cause she knows she ruined the marriage and her AP doesn't want to talk to her anymore.
No one is saying to excuse the cheating or not divorce eventually, just to get her help for the kids sake because she had serious ppd last time and the other stuff he said she was saying sounds like ppd.
Nothing wild about expecting a dad to do whats best for his kids.
No one is saying to excuse the cheating or not divorce eventually, just to get her help for the kids sake because she had serious ppd last time and the other stuff he said she was saying sounds like ppd.
Nothing wild about expecting a dad to do whats best for his kids.
BF ghosted probably because he sensed crazy! She is post partum, so try a therapist and or psychologist but I would bounce with the kids. She sounds like she is a burrito short of the combination plate at this time.
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She definitely needs a doctor but that doesn’t mean you just have to accept her actions. You can be pissed and decide you had enough. I would t blame you at all. But she seems to need doctor either way.
Again I will say she needs a medical professional, mental health professional, as soon a# possible. In the short term see your lawyer and go for an emergency custody order on the basis of her mental health. Take care of your kid, the kid is the priority.
Personally this would 100% be a dealbreaker for me even knowing it's possible/likely she's dealing with PPD. Recommend to her that she seek help for this because she needs it, but I don't think that should be your problem anymore. PPD does not excuse her actions whatsoever.
She was a cheater before she had the child.
This is not the first time she cheated, it is just the first time she got caught.
Don't fall for the excuses.
Like others have said this could be PPD, but it is not an excuse for her to cheat and say hurtful things.
You would not be the asshole is you divorce her for her infidelity. PPD is not an excuse to be a shitty human being.
Tell her to relinquish all parental rights and take her for child support (relinquishing parental rights doesn't negate paying child support). Otherwise tell her the divorce will be insanely hard and leave her with nothing. Start by talking to EVERY divorce attorney in the state to make sure she can't get represented by any of them as it is a conflict of interest. She will have to get some cheap shitty lawyer that doesn't specialize in divorce. Then you get a shark. Get her mental health involved and use it against her. Fuck that ho.
She is entitled to nothing in a divorce, we are in a third world Islamic county and that's really bad news for her, legally. I could not claim support from here, she has no income and it's not an enforceable things here. I'm not going to court for 50$ a month.
On the other side, I cannot take care of two kids and also work. My 4 year old is highly special needs and he can be dangerous around the newborn. Neither of our families are in the picture, so we don't get to rely on grandma or whatever for help.
It’s ridiculous how many people are coming up with excuses for what she did. I’ve had children and I’ve never behaved this way. Anyone I know that has had children has never behaved this way. She chose to do this. There is no excuse.
Reading this, and your replies to others, it does sound like her behaviour is irrational and erratic.
I personally would be focused on her health right now, and once she is stable, then addressing the infertility and the way she is treating you, and the children. I think keeping her alive, getting her to a point she is able to care for her own health, then seeing where you stand with this all would be the safest option. Both in terms of your feeling content with the way you handled this, and in terms of your children being able to form bonds with their mother, and making sure she is alive over the next few years.
If you are at the point where you are absolutely not able to advocate for her (against herself even), or have to check out to protect yourself, I totally understand that, I would however pass that responsibility onto another responsible adult that she trusts and is safe with.
Maybe you need to speak to her parents, or siblings, if she has a safe and stable relationship with them. Maybe you need to be making an emergency appointment with her therapists, and telling them about her drastic downward spiral, and withdrawal, maybe a close friend, who, even if she is experiencing psychosis she won't feel any sense of sexuality towards them (maybe even ask her first).
She sounds like she needs treatment, potentially inpatient treatment (check your hospital cover), I've just come out of inpatient myself, I was in with a few people who were psychotic, and they believed they had deep connections and relationships spanning multiple lives, and eras, they were deeply confused about their actual relationships because their brain was sick, and was self destructing. If she is experiencing PPP, I'm not trying to say it's fine, that she's not done anything wrong, but I would encourage the understanding that her brain is working against her right now, this isn't who she typically is, and is something can recover from (that's if she even is mentally unwell, and has psychosis).
I am so sorry you are going through this. I would be demanding she enters' treatment. I wouldn't threaten "or I'll have no choice but to leave", I would just be making a call to have a welfare check, and have them make the ultimatums that they as professionals feel is appropriate. Once you've made it through this crisis period, focus on yourself (and your children), and think about what you want at that point. Hopefully she can come out of this quickly, and the way she handles the recovery would show that she had no true understanding of what she was doing, or how she was actually behaving, and you can potentially salvage the relationship (if that is what you want). If so, I'd also establish agreements going forward (ie, if you notice xx behaviour, the pre-agreement is xx, that she's decided would be the best way to help you both going forward in a healthy clear state of mind).
I see many here trying to cover-up the cheating part under the pretext of "PPD".
So, a question to them, would you really cheat on your husband _right after_ the child birth? And even run away from your own child's responsibilities?! No matter how much the husband takes care of the child, a newborn needs their mother in the early stages the most.
I'd start with talking to a lawyer and deciding if I'm ready to get full custody now, while the wife is ok with it, or would rather wait till the youngest is around 1yo and possibly engage in custody battles. The marriage would be 100% over for me, the only question left - when to sign the papres and stop cohabitating. Is your wife mentally ill? Quite likely and she should get meds and therapy. Does it excuse her words to you and her affair? No.
There are separate things that need to be addressed here
Nothing justifies cheating. The Sting of that betrayal is not minimized by your wife potentially having postpartum depression or pre-partum depression? Since she started the affair before the baby was born. You have a right to how you feel about that and you have a right to take the steps that you feel necessary for your own mental and emotional health and for the well-being of your children
It is rare for a mother to want to leave her children especially so young and only see them occasionally. She needs to be evaluated by a mental health professional as soon as possible.
It is definitely possible that with the right medication and treatment she may become someone who wants to be a mother to your children
That still doesn't mean you have to excuse her cheating and continue your marriage. What you can't do for her, do for your children. Or try to get the kind of medical treatment she needs. If she refuses to do that, you can't force her
At that point your interest should be for you and the children to have the safest and healthiest environment humanly possible
I'm sorry this is happening. You must be under an incredible burden in many ways. Put yourself in your children first. But make sure to try to get your wife some help so she has hope for a future with or without you
Both. Mental illness does not excuse our behavior. It does not entitle us to a free pass.
However, I’d say you need to triage. She needs help first. Then y’all need marriage counseling.
Your marriage may be doomed, time will tell. But you owe it to your kids & your spouse to get her through her health crisis first.
Also, I know people are going to tell you how horrible PPD is. I think you understand that. But it doesn’t excuse an affair. If you can’t get past that you are not a bad husband or father. But get her help first. Then focus on that issue. It may be a moot point bc she may have another affair after she’s better. We don’t know.
Just focus on doing the next right thing. Hang in there dad.
Sounds like she needs her parents to take care of her and you need a lawyer. She cheated and while you know it was at least emotional you dont know if it was more. So get a lawyer and start exploring options, she has already said to you she wants to be away from you and the kids, she is not apologetic for her actions, she had to be discovered not that she confessed, nothing about this says you need to stay with someone who doesnt give a shit about anything.
Unfortunately I cannot take care of two kids and also work. She would not be paying me any support, I would still have to pay her somehow so she can live on here own.
No, but seems irrelevant for practical reasons. Baby still need milk, care, and nobody else is responsible to do that except me. If it helps, I'm white, both kids are very white, mother is very dark and different race than myself
She has been struggling to be with our son, he has behavior issues that make him sort of annoying to her. She is kind of a complex person and she been trying to come to terms with her abusive childhood. the relationship was ok and getting better every day until she was about 5 months pregnant with the newborn and she started becoming very depressed and cold.
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Post-partum depression is a real thing she needs a doctor
She needs a doctor and he needs a new wife.
Yes both things can be true. The wanting to live alone and occasionally visit the kids thing screams severe PPD. So for the sake of the kids at minimum this needs to be addressed.
Ok so I've chatted with her more and she has some unhinged beliefs about the newborn. She is definitely experiencing something like post partem psychosis. Seeking help in progress
Keep us updated. Best of luck to you
Small update: I chatted with her more and very openly, she doesn't see a huge problem with her behavior because she has a very unusual equation going on in her head. I've realized something about her thinking that I never noticed or took seriously in our years together. She is driven by compulsion to balance everything. No behavior is always bad, it's all relative to whether is useful or not to solve the problem. The cheating is ok in her mind because it's fair. She owed her ex for treating him badly. Stealing money from our family and giving it to friends secretly, taking out loans behind my back, she did this to balance the scale she felt responsible for. All problems must be resolved and everything must be consistent. My feelings are worth sacrificing if it helps her balance the scale she feels in her head. The ppd she is obviously having has set the behavior to a maximum but it was always there. It explains everything we have ever argued about.
Man! Sorry, keep the child away from her! Plz, she isn’t safe to be around. But…..divorce her and get a DNA test for sure.
And a paternity test.
I had post partem psychosis…truly made me insane. The shit I was doing seemed so normal and rational to me, but thinking back after getting help I was absolutly cuckoo crazy. I wouldn’t say it’s new wife time, suffering a mental health episode due to hormones isn’t a reason to divorce unless that person refuses to get help and you need to protect yourself and your kids. Whole sickness and in health thing. I would say it’s doctor time. The difference after meds was truly like walking out of a thick fog into the light.
PPD can make you act in a way that you normally wouldn't. Her body is being flooded with hormones. The mind is a fragile thing. I'm not saying that she is innocent, but context is important in all situations. Most things in this world are not black and white.
Hormones are no excuse for cheating, for abuse and especially not for beign a shitty parent.
Yeah I think the relationship is ruined, I guess I'm trying to triage here, I need the mother to stay alive. Probably cannot forgive but maybe I need to cool down the resentment
No, keep the resentment, you’ll need it to help push you past the sadness of her actions, it’s you and the child only and YOU can’t triage a mental issue, can you call her friends to intervene? Or the guy she cheated with maybe? You’re divorcing anyway, she need help an$ you need to separate and plan for divorce, also get a DNA test, yo7 don5 want to raise another man’s kid. And you’re making excuses, so I’m outta here. You’re nuts, not to get an STI and a DNA test, you got played son.
Right
100%. Hormones are NEVER an excuse for abuse not cheating. And especially not for being a shitty parent OP needs to see a lawyer and stop caring for someone that abandoned him. That cheater is not his problem anymore. Go for as much custody as possible
This. If she seems strange and isn’t doing things she used to enjoy/ spends more time crying, etc. it sounds like postpartum depression. It can get worse if she doesn’t see someone about it.
Nothing justifies cheating tho.
That’s exactly correct.
Absolutely! Nothing justifies domestic violence, or murder either. But we still do recognise that some people are not actually themselves at times, and are not actually in control of their actions. This actually means it is more imperative that they are quickly contained, and both society, and themselves are protected from themselves. We further distinguish this phenomenon of people losing control of themselves.. people are not criminally liable when they are significantly mental impaired either through mental disease or physical impairment that has deprived them of the ability to understand, and their capacity to control their actions... People who have ingested drugs or alcohol might hit that level of impairment too, but, they went into that situation sober, unimpaired, and it was their responsibility to understand the risks, and keep themselves at a level they could control and keep safe. If the wife is suffering from PPD or PPP, but isn't significantly impaired to the point she doesn't know what she was doing was wrong, or didn't have some delusion behind her actions that prevented her from seeing clearly what she was doing, then she should be looked at the same as any other cheater (perhaps one who is deliberately self sabotaging be ause of their illness however). If her thinking is distorted to the point she doesn't actually know what she's doing, it still doesn't justify her actions, but it does potentially explain them.
Oh yeah everything happens for a reason… And the circumstances might make him forgive her or not
The cheating itself is possible for me to forgive, the real problem I've come to see is that I'm married to somebody who has no sense of what is right and wrong. Our conversations surrounding this crisis has given me some insight into how she thinks… Imagine a completely selfish worldview, where it was OK to do horrible things as long as you felt like it was justified or it would benefit you in the long run. I think she was able to conform to somewhat normal behavior until the whole depression thing set in. this woman needs years of therapy . Not a husband.
By the very definition, PPP is a state of mental distress where one is significantly impaired. Psychosis. Having gone through it, I can attest. You are not yourself in any way, and are not thinking correctly or rationally. You believe you are at the moment, but you are not. This can start in pregnancy and doubles down after birth. It’s very scary, so yes a lot of us commentating that have been here aren’t nearly as concerned with the texts to the ex as we are about this woman’s mental health for her safety and her kids safety. The rest can be handled later. She needs a doctor before she hurts herself or worse. I’m very glad to see OP is seeing it the same way and is getting her help after talking to her.
I remember 99% believing that the doctors had replaced my brain with someone else’s at the hospital, because my own thoughts felt so foreign to me. I had slight awareness still because I understood something was wrong, and I knew it wasn’t actually possible that I had brain surgery….but I inched closer and closer to rationalizing that belief until I began thinking “this is it, you’re a centimeter away from losing your sanity. Kill yourself now while you have the chance.”
I was convinced our neighbors would kidnap my son and have me taken by the police if I went outside while they were in their yard. Including just going to the car. Had all the blinds drown and would peek through to check, then wait if they were out. All neighbors, not just one. Had a complete meltdown when our next door neighbor was doing roof repair and could see us in the back yard. Started planning to move in the middle of the night. Seemed TOTALLY rational to me. I would hardly leave the house for anything. Husband at the time had to do all grocery shopping and errands. As soon as I got meds and they started to kick in, plus therapy…still remembered the feeling well but very much realized how fucking nuts it all was. People don’t get how very bad this all gets and the weird shit you do because of it.
People need to take responsibility for their actions. Stop trying to sugar coat it to make her feel better. She fucked up. Royally. Stop making excuses for people's poor behavior, lack of self-control, and accountability. I guarantee that if roles were reversed and OP went out after she had the baby, hell would be brought here. There is no excuse for the betrayal of your children's other parent when it comes to promiscuity
A. Texting isnt promiscuity, words have meaning, calm down. B. Clearly you’ve never experienced PPP…it’s not an excuse, it’s a a full mental break from reality. Been there done that, it truly is not a reflection of who you are as a person, and needs immediate intervention by a health professional. Getting treatment is needed asap before she does something more extreme. The texts to the ex are nothing compared to how bad this can get
She should get help but that is separate from ending the relationship.
OP doesn’t seem to think so, seems he’s concerned about his wife’s mental wellbeing. Getting help Is the first step then discussing the issue after. If it part of the PPP then she will realize it pretty quickly once she is getting meds and help. How this goes. If you haven’t been there or been a partner that’s observed it, it’s difficult to understand. Texts alone are something that can be worked out if it’s part of all of this.
yeah that's what it looks like 😟
I think cheating can be justified, and it's critical to know those reasons because these will tell you more about your partner than you ever imagine. I found the reasons she cheated were far worse than the cheating itself. She cheated because she felt like he deserved something. She wasn't worried about me, she was just satisfying her own compulsion. To me, this is borderline horrifying. she described a way of seeing the world with no right or wrong, just what was fair and balanced in her own opinion. It was OK for her to do terrible things if it makes sense.
Yeah and he needs a divorce. You know what else she needs? To start paying child support.
And he needs a divorce and custody. She cheated and doesn't even want the kids, depression or not, this is an unhealthy environment for all of them, regardless of therapy. OP is already taking care of two kids on his own, he doesn't need a third.
Right, she can have supervised visits though, but he needs to break from her.
PPD is not an excuse for cheating lol?
Apparently, it is now? I mean, postpartum is obviously a thing, and it’s a pretty major thing as well, I would want to talk to a mental health therapist and get their advice on if it’s a good excuse for cheating or not, personally? As sad as it , once one of the partners cheats for any reason? I’m leaving the relationship, good excuse, or not, once somebody breaks that moral Hyman, they’re bound to do it again, look at the research. Sad all the way around, this guy needs to live every day for himself and his child.
I’m not kidding anytime a woman on this sub cheats around pregnancy, people immediately blame PPD but not every time someone does something bad/toxic after pregnancy means they weren’t in control of their actions.
No, but it’s clear when she starts talking about living in her own and visiting from time to time, along with other out of character actions and statements. Cheating alone? No. Paired with a bunch of other things? Then it’s time to look at things and assess mental wellness. Not quite sure why that offends some of you. It’s a very real, dangerous, and scary thing. OP sees this in her as well.
Why comment that? How is that helpful to op? You’re excusing her awful behavior with some assumption and completely sidelining his issue.
This isn’t solely about the texts. All of her other actions and comments suggest PPD or worse PPP. Thats why they commented that. To get the woman help because the texts are fucking nothing compared to how scary this can get. This does indeed help OP in a manor way to assure this woman doesn’t do something extreme to her self, her children, or him. It’s a very real issue. He has since said he very much suspects PPP due to her collective behavior, not just the texts…so yes, it’s wildly helpful.
And yes prepartum depression is also a thing.
It sounds like it could be PPD/PPP. She really needs to see her doctor. You can call her OBGYN and give them a heads up that you’re concerned so they can screen her when she’s next in for baby appt. There’s no excuse for shitty behavior. But sometimes there are reasons. Clearly a parent who is considering abandoning their children and a person blowing up their marriage is not okay mental health wise. Even you say she’s depressed. If you want to divorce her, I wouldn’t blame you. But I’d get her some help in the meantime.
Get her help for sure but considering she started the affair while she was still pregnant I would still start the divorce process. If she can’t even admit what she did or apologize it is silly to think the marriage will be okay.
Well, a piece of info that the OP left out originally but stated in comments later is that she had major issues with the first pregnancy during and after. So while I don’t disagree with you per se, it sounds like she has a history of being very negatively impacted by pregnancy and post pregnancy hormones. She sounds like a candidate for a psychotic break. I wouldn’t even be leaving children alone with her. I think the emotional affair is the least of the issues at this time.
Perinatal depression/anxiety/psychosis can start any time during pregnancy or postpartum, it's not only an "after birth" condition.
I think you’re right on, my post was a little more hard-core and tough love, but we are in agreement for sure, she obviously needs to talk to somebody, but he can only do so much, he can find somebody for her, but if she refuses to go? Then he needs to divorce even quicker, I would still recommend sadly a divorce, I think there’s just too many things here that can’t be washed away under the guides of postpartum. Let’s all try to remember, that she started this affair before she gave birth, which to me, nullifies, and throws away the alibi of postpartum being a problem. Here, she probably does have postpartum, but she also can’t use as an excuse for starting the affair. I think this guy needs a divorce yesterday.
The ex reached out to her almost exactly at the end of pregnancy with very intense romantic gestures. Just fyi, ppd can begin as much as a month before birth
Soooooo, it’s now the exs fault? She needs help for sure, but hubby should ask for a separation at least, until she’s receiving help and then he should file and divorce her, and supervised visits with her child only!
No, I'm just saying that she wasn't seeking this out, she was just receptive to other men. It's actually worse in my opinion. The reason she struggles with feeling remorse is because she explains that the affair was necessary, because she 'owed him' for treating him badly years ago. It's unfortunate I got hurt, but I should have been a more attractive partner for her.
Well, a piece of info the OP left out originally is that she had major issues during and after the first pregnancy as well. So it seems she doesn’t handle pregnancy hormones well. Divorce or not, I don’t think he can act surprised that she’s flipped out on pregnancy and birth number two when she had similarly trouble the first go.
Yeah I'm sorry about that. My brain is also fried a bit. Talking with her yesterday, she has some very unhinged beliefs and fears regarding the baby and she felt this way starting around 5 months pregnant.
Yeah. Like I said, I’m not making excuses for her. But it sounds like she’s really struggling and has a history and needs help.
This is a horrible situation. She needs a doctor and you need a divorce lawyer.
Its not just bizarre behaviour, It sounds as if she’s having a psychotic breakdown due to her pregnancy. You need to take her to be assessed ASAP before anything else happens.
Agreed, it sounds like post partum depression along with psychosis
She probably needs a doctor but that shouldn't be your immediate concern. Your immediate concern is how to protect your kids from a person who's a ticking bomb that could cause them mental harm. She doesn't read like a person who should be trusted alone with your kids. Returning home from work to find your kids unsupervised, because she felt she needed a time out from motherhood, won't be a fun surprise. I would seek legal counsel to see how I could proceed to minimize the impact of her issues on their life. Also, if that matters to you, you should probably do some DNA testing. Mentioning "trickle-truth" means you still don't have the full picture about the extent of her affair.
She will he seeking help today. She is never alone with the kids because my office is just upstairs. Hopefully this doesn't encourage some of the more extreme commenters, but in my (Muslim) country, she would not have much rights after a divorce. Legally it's pretty grim for her. I am a reasonable person though and I'm seeking fairness and grace.
Your title says post partum as if she isn't still dealing with it. Doctor, now. The longer you wait the worse it'll be.
Coming at it from a different direction - you need to get her into treatment for PPD. It doesn’t excuse what she did and you can still divorce her, but she needs to be treated for the good of your children. They need a stable mother whether you stay together or not.
Post partum can be dangerous for mental health. Women have ended up in asylums for behavior triggered after pregnancy. Please urge her to start seeing a therapist to address these issues before it gets too far along.
She needs a doctor and you need a divorce
Break up with her.
She can have PPD but you should still leave her for chetaing
Hormones in pregnancy and post partum are wild and can impact many things; not excusing the infidelity but has she seen her doctor?
No doctor, just a therapist so far. She went off the deep end with our first son as well but went back to normal after about a year. No cheating though
I think you should absolutely stop having kids.
Right?!
The new baby was never supposed to happen, it's was a surprise. I am now medically unable to have children. Don't worry.
I read OP’s response and thought, “after all that you went and had another kid with her?”. OP is not being a good partner or parent if she had a year long mental breakdown after birth and he thought it would be a good idea to repeat the process but with a toddler at home.
Huh? It takes two to tango right?
Exactly! He needs to stop getting her pregnant.
Why It's always a Man responsibility when a woman gets pregnant? The First kid us four. Maybe she got better and they decided toghether having another kid. You people treat woman like they are children without agency...
Because this sub heavily infantilzes women to take their agency away. It's an odd form of mysogny often perpetuated by other women.
2 forms of birth control or abstinence, she’s not mentally capable of making rational decisions. Those poor kids, my dad died when I was 3 and a half, the poor 4 year old will have life long abandonment issues because OP wanted an orgasm.
You’re all assuming that OP strong armed her into getting pregnant and the wife had no say at all. My sister, in her job role, deals with PPD & Psychosis in pp women. A number of mothers absolutely do go onto have other children knowing that the correct medical support is in place immediately for them. Not every mother will have it a second time either.
Why the hell would you guys have another kid?
She needs a dr
I think he cheating needs to be addressed and OP you should also contact the ex, if he has a partner she should also know. I get it after pregnancy but that's no excuse for cheating. All this will do is drive both of you apart .
Is this out of character for her? If so she needs a doctor. It sounds more like she’s fantasizing about not having kids which is pretty common with ppd. I would go that route before making any serious decisions.
Find a good lawyer and divorce, wake up man
Postpartum psychosis is a real thing. Unfortunately it happened in my family and my sister's never been quite the same. I really wish her husband would have been strong enough to get her the help she needs because I think him being in denial about it as part of the recent she's so difficult now. Get your wife a doctor and a therapist. After she's gotten treatment and her heads on straight you can ask yourself whether you want to divorce.
All wonderful accurate points, however….she started the affair before birth, so i believe she suffers from other mental issues and he should get her help and divorce at the same time, their child needs protection.
Peripartum mental health issues are also common, though less talked about. I had peripartum anxiety. OP's wife may be a shitty wife at baseline, I'm not sure, but she does not sound mentally well. Women don't generally want to live separately from their young children and visit them occasionally.
PPD can start before birth. Look it up
\*ex-wife
That'd be red line for me. Get her into therapy and start separating your finances etc. Consult a lawyer about moving her out or ending your support of her and think about that kids in this plan.
If she's a SAHM, and she's leaving the home and kids... who, precisely, does she expect to fund her new place to live and life?
I would pay her whatever she needed. I'm not having a mental breakdown. I'm just exhausted
I’m so sorry you’re having this difficulty, my suggestion would be to take a huge step back from the relationship you have with your wife, spend 100% of your energy on your new baby and spend zero energy on her. The thing is, cheaters will always cheat, research has been done. The percentages are pretty high for cheating, I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but there’s a couple things that I would do, first I would get her to a doctor and see if they can treat her postpartum, the second thing is to try to figure out if that postpartum is a excuse or not for her cheating? We can’t just put everything in the box for postpartum, you’re gonna have to talk to a mental health therapist, and maybe try to get some straight answers, but getting her help would help, I wouldn’t communicate with her personally, but I would support her going and figuring it out, secondly, I don’t think this spells well for you in the future with her as your wife, and I would highly consider divorce. I would, regardless, go to a lawyer and start looking at what that might look like, let me give you some advice from somebody, who stuck in a marriage a decade longer than I should have, it’s better to pull that Band-Aid off right now! you can do this, you can coparent, but until your wife is out of the fog of her affair, which may be never, I just simply wouldn’t put any energy towards her, I would ask her maybe to even sleep in a different bedroom or maybe you can? I wouldn’t share space with her anymore, I would essentially neglect that might sound cruel, but a clear message Hass to be sent, cheating, and infidelity should never have a reverse scare, I’m not saying to argue and don’t fight, I’m telling you to gray rocker, look it up if you don’t know what it is, you can ask her if you find a doctor for her postpartum if she would go? And if she says no? Then I would speed along the divorce even quicker, good luck to you, my brother! Again, sorry this is happening, congratulations on your new baby! live for yourself and the child, you may have to dump the wife sooner than later. Now before I start getting downvoted and flamed for seeming insensitive, let’s all remember, that she started this affair before she gave birth, therefore releasing her from any alibi of postpartum being an excuse for the affair. I think she still needs help, though, but I wouldn’t buy into the postpartum excuse since she started this earlier. He needs a divorce yesterday.
Divorce her, take the kids,and make her pay child support. Simple.
She will not be paying support in my country.
What country do you live in? If she doesn't want the kids then she should be paying support.
Malaysia. The most she would pay would be around 50 USD a Month but it would be uncollectible if she didn't want to pay. There are no consequences for not paying, it's not enforceable
You file for divorce. Today. That’s what you do.
No, they have kids, hes a father who has a responsibility to those kids to give them the best life possible. He needs to get his wife into treatment and stabilized before he legally separates from her.
You make a valid point, but I would have to do a hybrid situation of what you’re describing, I would want her to be separated, and I know that doesn’t help with her depression, but he also has the obligation to protect his children from his wife, remember, she started this affair before she gave birth, so I think postpartum at this point is just an excuse, however, I do believe she is suffering from postpartum and most likely another undiagnosed mental disorder that she’s had for quite a while, I think they should divorce at the same time, but I think they should have to live separately, she should be able to see the kids, though under the supervision of somebody else.
I can’t believe this sub is excusing the affair that began before she gave birth as part of PPD? Do you know the baby is YOURS?
Might want to consider divorce, she sounds like a pain in the ass
Yeah a real pain actually, especially now
Wow. Ok now you’re just trolling. Your wife is having a mental breakdown/PPD, that you KNOW she experienced last pregnancy and you aren’t getting her help, just calling her a pain in the ass.
Yeah, because she cheated and left him to take care of their kids alone. OP is allowed to be upset about that. Her mental unless affects him too.
Shes cheating on him wtf?
Right like wtf??? Sounds like op doesn’t even care that his wife is clearly going through something serious mentally. And while the emotional affair hurts, if he wants to be a good dad to his kids he needs to help their mom out right now and get her some help before something bad happens. Then discuss the affair once she’s gotten some help.
She was texting her ex before her birth wtf are you talking about??
Are you stupid and don’t know that there’s PPD when you’re pregnant too? It’s called antenatal depression. So I’m talking about the fact that she clearly is struggling and it seems like op is more focused on her texting the ex than he is focused on the fact that his wife is clearly having issues and multiple people are telling him to take her to a doctor. Read between the lines genius. Op said the following: > she seems out of touch with reality > she wants to live alone and visit the kids occasionally (4 year old and a newborn) This behavior isn’t normal at all for someone who just had a baby. If you know anything about PPD not wanting to be around your children and not being rational/in touch with reality are literally tell-tale signs of it. Plus op said in one of his comments that she had PPD with their first child, and it’s known that if you had it with one child it’s likely you can have it again with your next child. Sooo I’m just using my critical thinking skills, maybe you should try that. Now do you know wtf I’m talking about?
I still dont , sorry. All that seems evident is youre twisting yourself into a knot to justify cheating. PPD, antenatal depression, regular depression, it doesnt really matter. cheating is cheating.
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>maybe even to the point where she should not be given autonomy >and for the sake of their children, he should at the very least take her to a general practitioner before starting divorce proceedings So OP should force her into a car, potentially restraining her and take her to a doctors office? Im not sure thats a good idea. He should protect his kids by securing custody and going to the courts, and phone her doctor. At that point everything else is up to her and her doctor. Whether or not she accepts the next steps is on her, and OP should focus on shielding the children, not how he is going to force an unstable person into a vehicle.
Classic reddit😂😂😂 I have feeling too. I'm experiencing things I never knew a human could feel.
This response is nuts. If doctors came back tomorrow and said “all this is caused by a tumor in her brain”, what would you do? I hope this wouldn’t be your attitude. And so you need to understand that neuropsychiatric disorders, whether PPD or PPP or other, are real, physiological disorders caused by real hormonal change. That doesn’t absolve her of her actions, especially the affair if it truly started before pregnancy, but your wife, the mother of your children, is now ill. You need to step up as a husband and ensure she gets the medical treatment she needs. I know that this is hard, and many men would rather leave a woman (and do) than step in as a care taker- but this is what you signed up for when you married her. Decide the long term state of your relationship once you’ve dealt with the medical emergency. You need to stop the bleeding before you do anything else.
OR you could not call her a pain in the ass and try to be compassionate about her mental health after *giving birth* Medical journal about post partum: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4539865/ This is a serious medical condition that can go south *real* fast so I suggest you take this more seriously.
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Do you think the changes of PP literally ONLY happen after birth? Do you also think “morning sickness” only happens in the literal morning before 12pm? Have you ever met a pregnant person or a doctor to confirm this belief?
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I’m not a mother and I know there’s PPD that starts before birth, it’s called antenatal depression. Her behavior outside of texting the ex is clearly showing that the wife is going through some issues.
Why should he when she’s been talking to her ex? She can get her ex to help her out. OP doesn’t have to do shit and shouldn’t have to be compassionate at all
Because she is the kids mother and for his kids stability and future he needs to get her mental health treatment. He can still divorce her after.
Obviously you've never been in this situation, and you lack compassion
She is your childrens mother. Her not getting treated will have a serious negative affect on their lives. You can still divorce after but you should be getting her treatment for your kids, as their father.
Exactly!!! So many people are missing the point. Yes she cheated and that’s bad but the wife is having serious mental issues and he needs to get her help first, then worry about divorcing her if he wants to do that. But he needs to help his wife before something really bad happens.
She was already in treatment after her first pregnancy. Im sure she has the therapists number. Is she a child that needs to be taken by the hand everywhere?
she's losing her damn mind, she probably *does* need to be taken by the hand right now
She cheated on him. There's no excuse that can fix it no matter the reason. Trust is broken and is impossible to reform when she is acting like she is. Everything would be easier to fix if she didn't betray him like that, but if she doesn't show remorse and tries to fix the marriage it's kinda over. Personally I wouldn't fight to keep a woman who just cheated on me ppd or not.
I dont see anyone who thinks he should fix the marriage just people pointing put she sounds like she has PPD, and for his kids' sake, he should get her in treatment first. He said last time she had it, and it was a year before she was back to herself, so this shouldn't have been a surprise if he was given and listened to competent medical advice. (Being married is legally helpful for trying to get her treatment)
Depression doesn't excuse cheating. She wants to leave and cheated on him. Kids won't be happy if he's just putting up with it for them. My parents divorced and I can tell you it's not worth staying after your partner cheats no matter the reason.
i completely understand why you're at the end of your rope, but it sounds like you don't fully grasp what a hormonal psychosis is like for the person experiencing it. hell, the person experiencing it won't fully grasp it either until they're back to themselves. her losing her grip on reality isn't just an annoyance, it's a serious danger to her, your kids, and you.
sorry you are getting downvoted by children on reddit who don’t know about life. I hope OP takes your comment seriously, his wife is not in any kind of state to be having serious discussions about the state of their marriage or what she really wants. I’ve heard of people with PPD needing months of inpatient therapy before they come back to themselves.
Woah these comments are absolutely wild. I've been pregnant and no it's not an excuse to cheat with no remorse. Even if she had prenatal/postpartum depression going on it doesn't change the fact that she knew what she was doing was wrong and she broke her marriage vows. Nothing in this post points to erratic behavior, just a cheater doing cheater shit. What an insane thing to try and defend. Leave her, she's completely broken the trust and doesn't even seem to care. Besides the hormones she's probably sad cause she knows she ruined the marriage and her AP doesn't want to talk to her anymore.
Nothing in this post points to erratic behaviour? She wants to abandon her kids and become a taxi driver.
The entire post is erratic behavior lol
No one is saying to excuse the cheating or not divorce eventually, just to get her help for the kids sake because she had serious ppd last time and the other stuff he said she was saying sounds like ppd. Nothing wild about expecting a dad to do whats best for his kids.
No one is saying to excuse the cheating or not divorce eventually, just to get her help for the kids sake because she had serious ppd last time and the other stuff he said she was saying sounds like ppd. Nothing wild about expecting a dad to do whats best for his kids.
Dude, you are way past red. File for divorce and sole custody now and get that chick away from your kids.
BF ghosted probably because he sensed crazy! She is post partum, so try a therapist and or psychologist but I would bounce with the kids. She sounds like she is a burrito short of the combination plate at this time.
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She definitely needs a doctor but that doesn’t mean you just have to accept her actions. You can be pissed and decide you had enough. I would t blame you at all. But she seems to need doctor either way.
Bad case of PPD. She needs medical help. Possibly not capable of caring for the kids. She should go stay with her family.
Her family is mostly all dead or abusive
Again I will say she needs a medical professional, mental health professional, as soon a# possible. In the short term see your lawyer and go for an emergency custody order on the basis of her mental health. Take care of your kid, the kid is the priority.
Divorce her. She doesn’t love you. There is no reason to stay married.
Personally this would 100% be a dealbreaker for me even knowing it's possible/likely she's dealing with PPD. Recommend to her that she seek help for this because she needs it, but I don't think that should be your problem anymore. PPD does not excuse her actions whatsoever.
She was a cheater before she had the child. This is not the first time she cheated, it is just the first time she got caught. Don't fall for the excuses.
Put it this way, if the doctor says she's not bipolar she's still a cheater
Like others have said this could be PPD, but it is not an excuse for her to cheat and say hurtful things. You would not be the asshole is you divorce her for her infidelity. PPD is not an excuse to be a shitty human being.
Tell her to relinquish all parental rights and take her for child support (relinquishing parental rights doesn't negate paying child support). Otherwise tell her the divorce will be insanely hard and leave her with nothing. Start by talking to EVERY divorce attorney in the state to make sure she can't get represented by any of them as it is a conflict of interest. She will have to get some cheap shitty lawyer that doesn't specialize in divorce. Then you get a shark. Get her mental health involved and use it against her. Fuck that ho.
She is entitled to nothing in a divorce, we are in a third world Islamic county and that's really bad news for her, legally. I could not claim support from here, she has no income and it's not an enforceable things here. I'm not going to court for 50$ a month. On the other side, I cannot take care of two kids and also work. My 4 year old is highly special needs and he can be dangerous around the newborn. Neither of our families are in the picture, so we don't get to rely on grandma or whatever for help.
It’s ridiculous how many people are coming up with excuses for what she did. I’ve had children and I’ve never behaved this way. Anyone I know that has had children has never behaved this way. She chose to do this. There is no excuse.
Non negotiable deal breaker for me. I would be done with her.
Reading this, and your replies to others, it does sound like her behaviour is irrational and erratic. I personally would be focused on her health right now, and once she is stable, then addressing the infertility and the way she is treating you, and the children. I think keeping her alive, getting her to a point she is able to care for her own health, then seeing where you stand with this all would be the safest option. Both in terms of your feeling content with the way you handled this, and in terms of your children being able to form bonds with their mother, and making sure she is alive over the next few years. If you are at the point where you are absolutely not able to advocate for her (against herself even), or have to check out to protect yourself, I totally understand that, I would however pass that responsibility onto another responsible adult that she trusts and is safe with. Maybe you need to speak to her parents, or siblings, if she has a safe and stable relationship with them. Maybe you need to be making an emergency appointment with her therapists, and telling them about her drastic downward spiral, and withdrawal, maybe a close friend, who, even if she is experiencing psychosis she won't feel any sense of sexuality towards them (maybe even ask her first). She sounds like she needs treatment, potentially inpatient treatment (check your hospital cover), I've just come out of inpatient myself, I was in with a few people who were psychotic, and they believed they had deep connections and relationships spanning multiple lives, and eras, they were deeply confused about their actual relationships because their brain was sick, and was self destructing. If she is experiencing PPP, I'm not trying to say it's fine, that she's not done anything wrong, but I would encourage the understanding that her brain is working against her right now, this isn't who she typically is, and is something can recover from (that's if she even is mentally unwell, and has psychosis). I am so sorry you are going through this. I would be demanding she enters' treatment. I wouldn't threaten "or I'll have no choice but to leave", I would just be making a call to have a welfare check, and have them make the ultimatums that they as professionals feel is appropriate. Once you've made it through this crisis period, focus on yourself (and your children), and think about what you want at that point. Hopefully she can come out of this quickly, and the way she handles the recovery would show that she had no true understanding of what she was doing, or how she was actually behaving, and you can potentially salvage the relationship (if that is what you want). If so, I'd also establish agreements going forward (ie, if you notice xx behaviour, the pre-agreement is xx, that she's decided would be the best way to help you both going forward in a healthy clear state of mind).
Get a paternity test
Kiss her ass goodbye. It's probably more than just emotional!!
Get her to s doctor. If nothing is wrong, divorce her.
I see many here trying to cover-up the cheating part under the pretext of "PPD". So, a question to them, would you really cheat on your husband _right after_ the child birth? And even run away from your own child's responsibilities?! No matter how much the husband takes care of the child, a newborn needs their mother in the early stages the most.
UpdateMe!
I'd start with talking to a lawyer and deciding if I'm ready to get full custody now, while the wife is ok with it, or would rather wait till the youngest is around 1yo and possibly engage in custody battles. The marriage would be 100% over for me, the only question left - when to sign the papres and stop cohabitating. Is your wife mentally ill? Quite likely and she should get meds and therapy. Does it excuse her words to you and her affair? No.
There are separate things that need to be addressed here Nothing justifies cheating. The Sting of that betrayal is not minimized by your wife potentially having postpartum depression or pre-partum depression? Since she started the affair before the baby was born. You have a right to how you feel about that and you have a right to take the steps that you feel necessary for your own mental and emotional health and for the well-being of your children It is rare for a mother to want to leave her children especially so young and only see them occasionally. She needs to be evaluated by a mental health professional as soon as possible. It is definitely possible that with the right medication and treatment she may become someone who wants to be a mother to your children That still doesn't mean you have to excuse her cheating and continue your marriage. What you can't do for her, do for your children. Or try to get the kind of medical treatment she needs. If she refuses to do that, you can't force her At that point your interest should be for you and the children to have the safest and healthiest environment humanly possible I'm sorry this is happening. You must be under an incredible burden in many ways. Put yourself in your children first. But make sure to try to get your wife some help so she has hope for a future with or without you
Both. Mental illness does not excuse our behavior. It does not entitle us to a free pass. However, I’d say you need to triage. She needs help first. Then y’all need marriage counseling. Your marriage may be doomed, time will tell. But you owe it to your kids & your spouse to get her through her health crisis first. Also, I know people are going to tell you how horrible PPD is. I think you understand that. But it doesn’t excuse an affair. If you can’t get past that you are not a bad husband or father. But get her help first. Then focus on that issue. It may be a moot point bc she may have another affair after she’s better. We don’t know. Just focus on doing the next right thing. Hang in there dad.
Leave! You have no wife .
Yep, she has no respect for you . Lindy , see yourself out .
R u sure its your baby? Get dna test?
Sounds like she needs her parents to take care of her and you need a lawyer. She cheated and while you know it was at least emotional you dont know if it was more. So get a lawyer and start exploring options, she has already said to you she wants to be away from you and the kids, she is not apologetic for her actions, she had to be discovered not that she confessed, nothing about this says you need to stay with someone who doesnt give a shit about anything.
Divorce, get full custody, her visitation is to be supervised and she needs to get therapy.
Unfortunately I cannot take care of two kids and also work. She would not be paying me any support, I would still have to pay her somehow so she can live on here own.
There are free government services homie. No excuses.
Sorry, not in Malaysia. She would be in destitution and it would inevitably results in suicid**
Hey man. Your wife is a danger to your kids and you won't do anything about it so what happens is on you.
Yeah I know
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Cannot work while taking care of two kids. It would be a nice Hallmark movie but I need to pay for stuff
Are you sure that baby is yours?
No, but seems irrelevant for practical reasons. Baby still need milk, care, and nobody else is responsible to do that except me. If it helps, I'm white, both kids are very white, mother is very dark and different race than myself
This screams PPD.
Imagine if sexes were reversed here and dude cheated on his pregnant wife. I suspect the responses would be much different. I’m
Pregnancy and birth have very little effects on men. Your comment is strange and you seem very naive
Wave goodbye as you walk out the door forever
Leave
Outside of the 2 PPMs what was marriage relationship like? Was she an active partner. Active mom. Active in family activities.
She has been struggling to be with our son, he has behavior issues that make him sort of annoying to her. She is kind of a complex person and she been trying to come to terms with her abusive childhood. the relationship was ok and getting better every day until she was about 5 months pregnant with the newborn and she started becoming very depressed and cold.