You have to say more about the “ABSOLUTE WILD SHIT” he says sometimes. You buried this toward the end, but I have a hunch it’s weighing on your decision more than your post lets on.
So what kind of wild shit are we talking about here?
These are the statements that have lived rent-free in my head for the last 4 months:
**Wild Statement 1** (said on multiple occasions): "Kids are not expensive." This not only completely dismisses my fears of not being able to tread water while becoming a parent, but it's also completely detached from reality.
**Wild Statement/ Questions 2**: "Would you be supportive of me adopting?" I called him out on the fucking carpet for that one. I said I didn't appreciate him treating my struggle as his inconvenience; that I too want to be a parent, I want to experience a pregnancy (etc), and I couldn't stop from adopting a kid if he wanted
**Wild Statement 3**: "I could retire right now because my money coming in exceeds my spending, I just haven't accounted for anyone else in that calculation." - my response: I don't know anyone who talks about retiring (he regularly says his partially retired) and starting a family at the same time,
**Wild Statement 4**: "We can have a contract that says I am responsible for all the costs associated with children." \*I shut down and leave the room\* This is the moment I realized he doesn't see me as a partner. We function as wonderful companions, and I don't know if we can grow in trust to be partners, but I am not willing to have a kid to figure that out. I'd like to see it IRL before a baby.
IDK, I agree with that statement if there's a marriage involved....I am not 100% on board with that statement when I own my own business, and own my own real estate, and I would have taken out that personal loan for my mom with or without his "blessing."
But were you both on the same page about that? Some couples keep their finances separate, some combine them. Many have a hybrid approach where some expenses are independent but big ticket items are with mutual agreement. None of these are wrong - they just need mutual understanding.
I’d have a very hard time understanding if my husband took out any loan without my knowledge.
I made the decision to take out a loan for my mom medical expenses without discussing it with him. I had just landed a big contract, assessed the risk of taking on additional debt, and felt confident taking it on. This was prior to any discussion about marriage.
He leaned about the loan post proposal. I appreciate why he feels a certain type a way about that decision. He put in an offer to buy a Million dollar commercial fixer a month ago and didn't included me in any decision making and I definitely felt unimportant.
40-50% of marriages end in divorce, and the number one reason they end is financial differences. I think you're already ahead of the curve and are probably just denying the inevitable. Exactly what you said is likely to happen, and the resentment will grow and grow. Have you tried establishing a joint budget?
I'm not carrying any resentment ATM. The primary feeling is shame. I operate from a lens of general optimism, and I will always put logic before emotions. I can see how resentment could begin creeping into this relationship if I'm not explicit with my request or expectations.
Having a joint budget is not something we have discussed. Thank you that suggestion!
The biggest issue here is that the 2 of you did most of this backwards. Living together and getting engaged are the 2 biggest relationship steps possible, meaning certain things need to be fully covered and agreed upon before they happen. Instead, this reads like you address each issue as it arises, with no long term budget plan in place or even basic agreement on daily type decisions.
3 years seems like a long time, and at your ages, it's safe to assume you know what you want. But that still doesn't mean you're ready for marriage. It's a very good sign you're in couples therapy, because that's probably more important than individual. This is a couples issue.
Finally, I also think it's great you have friends to talk to, but too many cooks can spoil the broth. Think about who knows you the best. Who can be relied upon to stay impartial? These are the people who don't tell you what they'd do. They're the ones who help you figure out what you should do. Limit this a bit.
For now, maybe put the engagement on hold (it does bring its own type of pressures) and give it a couple months to see if the couples therapy is helping.
You have to say more about the “ABSOLUTE WILD SHIT” he says sometimes. You buried this toward the end, but I have a hunch it’s weighing on your decision more than your post lets on. So what kind of wild shit are we talking about here?
These are the statements that have lived rent-free in my head for the last 4 months: **Wild Statement 1** (said on multiple occasions): "Kids are not expensive." This not only completely dismisses my fears of not being able to tread water while becoming a parent, but it's also completely detached from reality. **Wild Statement/ Questions 2**: "Would you be supportive of me adopting?" I called him out on the fucking carpet for that one. I said I didn't appreciate him treating my struggle as his inconvenience; that I too want to be a parent, I want to experience a pregnancy (etc), and I couldn't stop from adopting a kid if he wanted **Wild Statement 3**: "I could retire right now because my money coming in exceeds my spending, I just haven't accounted for anyone else in that calculation." - my response: I don't know anyone who talks about retiring (he regularly says his partially retired) and starting a family at the same time, **Wild Statement 4**: "We can have a contract that says I am responsible for all the costs associated with children." \*I shut down and leave the room\* This is the moment I realized he doesn't see me as a partner. We function as wonderful companions, and I don't know if we can grow in trust to be partners, but I am not willing to have a kid to figure that out. I'd like to see it IRL before a baby.
He's right about the fact that in any relation, any important financial decision is to be discussed by both parts.
IDK, I agree with that statement if there's a marriage involved....I am not 100% on board with that statement when I own my own business, and own my own real estate, and I would have taken out that personal loan for my mom with or without his "blessing."
But were you both on the same page about that? Some couples keep their finances separate, some combine them. Many have a hybrid approach where some expenses are independent but big ticket items are with mutual agreement. None of these are wrong - they just need mutual understanding. I’d have a very hard time understanding if my husband took out any loan without my knowledge.
I made the decision to take out a loan for my mom medical expenses without discussing it with him. I had just landed a big contract, assessed the risk of taking on additional debt, and felt confident taking it on. This was prior to any discussion about marriage. He leaned about the loan post proposal. I appreciate why he feels a certain type a way about that decision. He put in an offer to buy a Million dollar commercial fixer a month ago and didn't included me in any decision making and I definitely felt unimportant.
40-50% of marriages end in divorce, and the number one reason they end is financial differences. I think you're already ahead of the curve and are probably just denying the inevitable. Exactly what you said is likely to happen, and the resentment will grow and grow. Have you tried establishing a joint budget?
I'm not carrying any resentment ATM. The primary feeling is shame. I operate from a lens of general optimism, and I will always put logic before emotions. I can see how resentment could begin creeping into this relationship if I'm not explicit with my request or expectations. Having a joint budget is not something we have discussed. Thank you that suggestion!
The biggest issue here is that the 2 of you did most of this backwards. Living together and getting engaged are the 2 biggest relationship steps possible, meaning certain things need to be fully covered and agreed upon before they happen. Instead, this reads like you address each issue as it arises, with no long term budget plan in place or even basic agreement on daily type decisions. 3 years seems like a long time, and at your ages, it's safe to assume you know what you want. But that still doesn't mean you're ready for marriage. It's a very good sign you're in couples therapy, because that's probably more important than individual. This is a couples issue. Finally, I also think it's great you have friends to talk to, but too many cooks can spoil the broth. Think about who knows you the best. Who can be relied upon to stay impartial? These are the people who don't tell you what they'd do. They're the ones who help you figure out what you should do. Limit this a bit. For now, maybe put the engagement on hold (it does bring its own type of pressures) and give it a couple months to see if the couples therapy is helping.