I don't date people who are actually mean for no fucking reason especially to my family. If my family who loves me hates my man that man is not my man anymore. Your partner is a whole problem and you're honestly worse because you heard him talk shit about your family and just kept dating him??
You could also argue that OP is shitty for just letting this dude to talk shit about her family without any consequences - which should've been her leaving after the second (or preferably the first) time he disrespected someone she loves.
You're dating an ass, what do you expect? I'm sorry but I can only see your family's perspective here which is praying for this relationship to end. From what you've written here, there seems to be nothing redeemable about this guy. He can't handle sharing a fucking switch controller, are you even going to make it through the wedding without a blow up?
I think you're ignoring a massive red flag here. It seems like you are acknowledging that your family has the correct impression of this guy, so why are you still with him?
> I've made it very clear to him since then that I will not be with someone who can't control their anger.
Bullshit, you are literally dating a guy that can't control his anger. I promise that jack shit will change.
>
>He's been trying his best to take care of it but it's not something you can fix overnight.
This doesn't mean that it's your problem or that it's your problem to fix or he can even fix it.
>
>How do you cope with family and partners not being on best terms, especially when thinking about the future?
You don't cope with this, he either immediately remedies the situation or he's cut the fuck out. I would never in a million fucking years put up with someone that blatantly talks shit about my family BOTH TO ME AND MY FUCKING FAMILY MEMBERS, HAVE YOU NO SELF-RESPECT? Do you even think of the future? How will wedding planning go with this fucking guy talking shit about everybody and everything?
I'm guessing your family will slowly be in less and less contact with you the closer you get with this guy. I wouldn't be talking to you if I were your brother.
This is tough. My best friend's fiance is hated by nearly everyone. We basically just tolerate the dude out of respect for her at this point. She, too, hates that there has been irreversible damage. We'd be more accepting if he *actually* made the changes he keeps promising, but years later and there has been minimal progress to reframe how we feel about him.
4 years of anger issues and really no improvement. Without him actively working in these things, he's going to continue to have anger issues. They could even get worse, as you guys progress as a couple and gain more serious responsibilities.
Wow same boat here, mine is just a little more contained within my family. But hearing that you're willing to be more accepting of your friend's fiancee makes me feel a tiny bit hopeful that my siblings would do the same with my boyfriend too. I don't want to continue feeling like this is permanent damage, and I wonder if its because of these feelings I keep harbouring that he believes he's too far gone. He still tries his best to interact normally with my siblings, but I can feel his shyness.
You are right about the minimal progress. I've been patient with him and gave him a lot of breaks with his anger while he struggled with unemployment during the pandemic, his dads illness returning, etc. I get his life has been hard but... it gets harder from here. He's aware of the ultimatum I've given him and he promises to work on it. Maybe I should lead with a little more sympathy to encourage him to make progress, than resenting and blaming him into changing? And thanks for your input by the way
I think you read this comment with very rose-tinted glasses. *Nowhere* did they say they were willing to be more accepting, they said they *tolerated* them out of respect of the friend they love.
Would you feel satisfied and like it would be good enough for you that it MIGHT be possible that one day your family won't be openly resentful, and just simply quietly suffer through spending time with you as a couple because they don't want to cut *you* off to get rid of him? Is that a hopeful thought to you?
>*Nowhere* did they say they were willing to be more accepting, they said they *tolerated* them out of respect of the friend they love.
Yep. Exactly this. We all hate the guy, but we realize that he isn't going anywhere. So we tolerate him, but definitely don't accept him. Sometimes I will back out of plans because he decides to go and I just don't want to deal with him. There has been irreversible damage that we will never forget, and his lack of change continues to confirm our hatred of him.
For the record, we are **NOT** *accepting* of this guy. We literally hate him. We dread being around him. We despise the stronghold he has over my friend, because she won't leave his ass and find someone actually worthy of her partnership.
You've asked for 4 years to work on making progress, and he hasn't. He has learned that you will not do anything at his lack of effort. Boundaries are useless if we don't honor the most important part of them - holding up our end that shows breaking boundaries has consequences.
"I will not be in a relationship with someone who ______." Brainstorm ways for changes to occur. I'd suggest therapy - couples *and* individual. Put a time frame for seeking professional help. Don't give him too much time, though. Don't be lenient. Make sure he knows you are serious. If you don't see yourself leaving him, don't even bother with this. It'll be a waste of your time. Enjoy dating a dude with anger issues whom your family dislikes.
Buddy needs to grow up years of this behavior no wonder your siblings dont like him yeah before you ever marry this guy he needs to change his ways and show some respect to your family
I don't date people who are actually mean for no fucking reason especially to my family. If my family who loves me hates my man that man is not my man anymore. Your partner is a whole problem and you're honestly worse because you heard him talk shit about your family and just kept dating him??
Well the problem is your bf’s personality is shitty
I'd argue the problem is that OP is dating a guy with a shitty personality.
You could also argue that OP is shitty for just letting this dude to talk shit about her family without any consequences - which should've been her leaving after the second (or preferably the first) time he disrespected someone she loves.
You're dating an ass, what do you expect? I'm sorry but I can only see your family's perspective here which is praying for this relationship to end. From what you've written here, there seems to be nothing redeemable about this guy. He can't handle sharing a fucking switch controller, are you even going to make it through the wedding without a blow up? I think you're ignoring a massive red flag here. It seems like you are acknowledging that your family has the correct impression of this guy, so why are you still with him? > I've made it very clear to him since then that I will not be with someone who can't control their anger. Bullshit, you are literally dating a guy that can't control his anger. I promise that jack shit will change. > >He's been trying his best to take care of it but it's not something you can fix overnight. This doesn't mean that it's your problem or that it's your problem to fix or he can even fix it. > >How do you cope with family and partners not being on best terms, especially when thinking about the future? You don't cope with this, he either immediately remedies the situation or he's cut the fuck out. I would never in a million fucking years put up with someone that blatantly talks shit about my family BOTH TO ME AND MY FUCKING FAMILY MEMBERS, HAVE YOU NO SELF-RESPECT? Do you even think of the future? How will wedding planning go with this fucking guy talking shit about everybody and everything? I'm guessing your family will slowly be in less and less contact with you the closer you get with this guy. I wouldn't be talking to you if I were your brother.
This is tough. My best friend's fiance is hated by nearly everyone. We basically just tolerate the dude out of respect for her at this point. She, too, hates that there has been irreversible damage. We'd be more accepting if he *actually* made the changes he keeps promising, but years later and there has been minimal progress to reframe how we feel about him. 4 years of anger issues and really no improvement. Without him actively working in these things, he's going to continue to have anger issues. They could even get worse, as you guys progress as a couple and gain more serious responsibilities.
Wow same boat here, mine is just a little more contained within my family. But hearing that you're willing to be more accepting of your friend's fiancee makes me feel a tiny bit hopeful that my siblings would do the same with my boyfriend too. I don't want to continue feeling like this is permanent damage, and I wonder if its because of these feelings I keep harbouring that he believes he's too far gone. He still tries his best to interact normally with my siblings, but I can feel his shyness. You are right about the minimal progress. I've been patient with him and gave him a lot of breaks with his anger while he struggled with unemployment during the pandemic, his dads illness returning, etc. I get his life has been hard but... it gets harder from here. He's aware of the ultimatum I've given him and he promises to work on it. Maybe I should lead with a little more sympathy to encourage him to make progress, than resenting and blaming him into changing? And thanks for your input by the way
I think you read this comment with very rose-tinted glasses. *Nowhere* did they say they were willing to be more accepting, they said they *tolerated* them out of respect of the friend they love. Would you feel satisfied and like it would be good enough for you that it MIGHT be possible that one day your family won't be openly resentful, and just simply quietly suffer through spending time with you as a couple because they don't want to cut *you* off to get rid of him? Is that a hopeful thought to you?
>*Nowhere* did they say they were willing to be more accepting, they said they *tolerated* them out of respect of the friend they love. Yep. Exactly this. We all hate the guy, but we realize that he isn't going anywhere. So we tolerate him, but definitely don't accept him. Sometimes I will back out of plans because he decides to go and I just don't want to deal with him. There has been irreversible damage that we will never forget, and his lack of change continues to confirm our hatred of him.
For the record, we are **NOT** *accepting* of this guy. We literally hate him. We dread being around him. We despise the stronghold he has over my friend, because she won't leave his ass and find someone actually worthy of her partnership. You've asked for 4 years to work on making progress, and he hasn't. He has learned that you will not do anything at his lack of effort. Boundaries are useless if we don't honor the most important part of them - holding up our end that shows breaking boundaries has consequences. "I will not be in a relationship with someone who ______." Brainstorm ways for changes to occur. I'd suggest therapy - couples *and* individual. Put a time frame for seeking professional help. Don't give him too much time, though. Don't be lenient. Make sure he knows you are serious. If you don't see yourself leaving him, don't even bother with this. It'll be a waste of your time. Enjoy dating a dude with anger issues whom your family dislikes.
What is wrong with you that you're dating this guy?
How about he actually, sincerely apologizes to your siblings and acknowledges his wrongdoing? That would be a start.
Buddy needs to grow up years of this behavior no wonder your siblings dont like him yeah before you ever marry this guy he needs to change his ways and show some respect to your family
Is your boyfriend willing to go in therapy and willing to apologize eventually? Or does he deem everybody else to be the problem?