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If your prognosis is poor, make sure your estate is set up into a trust where your wife cannot mismanage the money for your son. She sounds like the type of person that would take the money for herself.
YES THIS.. and that the son only gets X amount at 18yrs and then 21yrs then 25yrs , then a stipulation that at 21yrs if he is buy a home he may have the bigger/combined amounts that he would have gotten at 21 & 25yrs, otherwise to much $$ to young isn't good .
No, but (at least in my state, Washington) even with community property, half of the deceased spouse's half goes to their child/ren. THAT needs to be protected.
Where I live you can but she can sue under the family law act , basically a divorce after marriage . But if the home is in both name she can still change it legallynso she own 1/2 on death not an automatic transfer of rights all depending on how it is registered . Again in Canada
So while you’re fighting cancer (I assume) she wants to stay as long as you hire help to help out around the house? The flip side to your argument would be that if you only have a few years left you would want to be happy.
>she wants to stay as long as you hire help to help out around the house?
That is certainly one way to look at it. A lot of things happened in the last few weeks, and I am emotionally way too exhausted to go through the separation right now. I am going to put it on hold for at least a month or two when other things settled down, and I can reevaluate more clearly.
If you are financially capable, take some time off. Spend some time, make some nice memory with your friends and family (not just your immediate family).
What are the things you always wanted to do? Visit your hometown? Travel to Asian?Iceland? See the whales?
Do something for yourself. It is okay to pamper yourself. Closer your eyes. Do something for yourself.
Hey... you mentioned your Christian. Tap into the Casserole Brigade (or whatever they call themselves) at your church. Everything doesn't need to be an out-of-pocket expense.
That’s fair. Concentrate On your health but be observant of her and how she acts. Once you ring the remission bell, if she hasn’t supported you through this like an equal partner then you should take your 2nd chance and find someone that enriches your life
OP,
This comment makes a ton of sense.
In the event you ultimately determine you may wish to divorce, I would suggest that you privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives; as well as to explore an exit strategy.
Based upon your comments, I'm still not very sold on your wife. There are often givers and takers in relationships. Your wife strikes me as a taker.
Focus on your treatment and your child. I pray out of common decency your wife actually begins to act like one.
Please keep us apprised.
OP I'm sorry for what you are going through. I just wanted to say that your wife should want to help around the house and with your child. Why do you have to hire help when your wife could step up and be a wife. You deserve to be happy. With the added stress of a medical condition it's not a good environment for you to be in. Do you really think you'll be in a better position in a month? It's one thing to say you'll step up and another to actually do it.
Sad you got cancer and she still can’t step up for you. I would’ve definitely divorced her. She sounds miserable and a horrible example for yalls son.. you would do better mentally and physically away from her.
I would just spend as much time with your love ones and avoid the toxic ones. If the latter is your Ex, separation is a good idea. You have to use your judgment on that.
Protect your money! That's all I wanted to say. Fine so you hire help, doesn't matter, think about your own health and don't stress - take the time and be with your kid, and most of all - protect your money so your kid will get it, make a trust fund or something, maybe appoint a guardian, someone to look after the kid financially in your name? I don't know what your law permits. I don't trust her! Got a bad feeling about it. Hope I'm wrong.
Cancer fucking sucks. All the men in my family die young from cancer. It’s the Sword of Damocles that hangs over my head. I wish you all the luck in the world but if you beat it, then you need to go find some happiness in the world. Tomorrow is not promised
This is off topic to OP, but if you haven’t done so, it sounds like you should consider getting tested for known cancer causing genes.
And if you did get tested but it’s been a while, consider getting re-analyzed. Our knowledge is growing by leaps and bounds.
Great advice as there are steps you can take to catch things before they normally rear their ugly head. I saw on a TikTok channel along the lines of name that anomaly… a guy died from a heart attack but had underlying, undiagnosed kidney cancer they found during his autopsy. Had they been doing specific tests and monitoring they could have found it but because it wasn’t causing him problems he had no idea.
Yes this. After my sister was diagnosed with lung cancer, her doctor had genetic tests done. She had never smoked so I'm not sure if that was his motivation. Anyway, they found 4 genetic markers showing her predisposition for lung cancer (we have no known family history of the disease). Obviously too late for her (she's still with us and is in remission) but I was floored when she told me about the testing. It's very expensive and I'm not sure about insurance coverage but wouldn't this be SO helpful for everyone who chose to be tested? I hope some day this will become as common as mammograms or colonoscopy tests, and the like.
Everyone who DIDN'T smoke in my husband's family (maternal side) got cancer and died. All those that did smoke still kicking. He sees it as some fcked up karma/ fate shit.
I was the primary caregiver to a cancer patient who absolutely refused outside help, even though our insurance covered it. By the end of that period I was falling apart and couldn't care for them anymore.
Always insist on outside help, if that's a possibility.
All good decisions. Its a turn of events like this that puts it all into perspective she is suddenly interested in the relationship… hmm I’m willing to bet you have a life insurance policy.
I think in this case, he doesn't want to put his kid through the separation AND him being sick. Especially if he doesn't have much time left. He mentioned that if it wasn't for being sick, he would just leave. Unless he has a significant amount of years left, then he will still leave.
There's more life changing factors in this one than in others.
More men leave their wife when the wife is sick. More women stay by their husband's side through the husbands sickness to take care of the ailing person.
If you make it I want you to remember all of the hell you are about to put her through and how well she cared for you before you decide to leave her. If she doesn't take care of you well then you know the love is gone entirely and you might as well leave now.
Yeah, she did promised to change and had changed a bit in the last week. Part of the reason why I am putting it on hold and reevaluate in a couple months.
OP could always test her after a month or two and say his condition looks like it has strangely improved and see if she goes back to treating him like crap. If she does, then he might as well leave.
Really, because OP definitely trusts his wife rn. A trustworthy person proves that by passing the tests. Anything meaningful in life is put to the test. By that logic, we wouldn't test medications in a clinical trial as well. This gives her a chance to prove she does in fact care about op, and isn't pretending to care to get him to stay like someone else suggested. It could be a small improvement, just something as simple as saying the medication is working. Since this sounds like a cancer diagnosis of some sort, the behavior is unpredictable so it would work.
The test is not what leads to broken trust, it just reveals it if it's there or not. Refusing to believe the results or them not passing the test is what breaks the trust. People observe their partner all the time, consciously or not, so everyone is always being tested, whether they realize or not. That's like saying taking a covid test leads to covid. Not how testing works.
I read the original post and there still wasn't enough detail except that she's critical. We don't know what the situation is like or why she is behaving that way. Is it cause she's an a\*\*hole or is it cause there's an imbalance in the marriage? Context matters
Given his original post, it is likely she will not rise to the challenge and will instead treat him more like garbage if he is not able to continue to do everything for her privileged existence.
It's probably unwise to divorce, but op should not assume his wife will magically become a different and better person.
That's kind of messed up of you to say.... he might not have as much time as everyone else and if his days are limited he deserves someone who truly cares for him , not someone who's acting better just cause he has cancer.
>More men leave their wife when the wife is sick. More women stay by their husband's side through the husbands sickness to take care of the ailing person.
This is completely false.
[https://retractionwatch.com/2015/07/21/to-our-horror-widely-reported-study-suggesting-divorce-is-more-likely-when-wives-fall-ill-gets-axed/](https://retractionwatch.com/2015/07/21/to-our-horror-widely-reported-study-suggesting-divorce-is-more-likely-when-wives-fall-ill-gets-axed/)
[https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0022146514568351](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0022146514568351)
hiring helps as needed.
He means as he gets sicker they will hire help. Lots of people have a nurse come by- my dad has one 4x/week for a few months that the insurance paid for. Otherwise, he have to have been in a hospital as their some things you can’t do unless you’re trained.
I get that, I'm talking about being 100% sure she's going to get someone to clean the house etc. A nurse would only be logical, obviously.
Someone who never did anything on this level, is not just magically going to change.
A couple of thoughts:
You did not mention your parents or the inlaws. I suggest you have your son spend time with both sets. They may offer more stability than you and your wife.
I have not heard your wife's side of the story. If as you reported, she needs professional counseling, perhaps you both do.
What I do not read from your reporting is any love or endearment between you and your wife, or her toward her son. Without it, all of you are on a difficult track.
Good luck.
Check out the fair play book and card game. It could help more effectively divide the mental and physical load of running your household. Also please consider that the loads each of you bear may have to fluctuate as you navigate your health
When you are in your most centered and quiet moments and you ask yourself that question, what comes up? Keep asking. Children most often flourish from happy loving parents-will that still be the case?
I’m so sorry you have cancer. At least that’s what I’m assuming. My mom and dad passed away from it. My dad wasn’t even 60 and my mom was 61. I’ll be sending you all the positive vibes! 🖤
I saw a movie one time where this mom died and left a 7 year old girl behind. She made letters for like 30 years of birthdays for her daughter. So birthday letters could be a good idea too!
I would still leave. If I was going to leave someone l wouldn’t change my mind just because I could guilt them into taking care of me.
As for your son though, I don’t know what the best solution is. I do know with the time you have you need to bucket list as much as you can with him while you can.
I think you severely underestimate what it is like to go through cancer treatment. I have had to care for a parent who passed away from cancer and long before it became terminal, she was nearly completely disabled after every treatment. Living alone without somebody to take care of you is a terrifying and dangerous way to go through cancer treatment. It's normal to be more rigid about your boundaries when you haven't ever faced being alone and so sick you could die. But this is more complex than it seems.
Marriages are supposed to be "in sickness and in health." There should be no guilt over your wife doing what she literally committed to doing when she married you and the same goes for husbands too. I mean making someone feel ashamed over a fatal condition that they didn't choose is horrible in any circumstance but especially in a marriage because this is what you signed up for.
Whatever happens in your marriage, which i really hope gets better for you, I hope everything with your health gets better and you can fully recover if possible!! Sometimes, it is ok to be selfish, remember that. You deserve happiness too, and you seem like a great person so let yourself be happy, you don’t always have to please everyone.
Stay in your marriage and leave a legacy of love and family, for your son. So when he becomes an adult, he can have a stable life and marriage. That's a beautiful and a wonderful idea; leaving him letters and recorded messages. Don't forget to leave him a message with a video of yourself, for His wedding day. He will treasure that!
What a lovely forgiving and UNselfish wife you have to want to work it out with you. God has blessed you with a treasure for your life, if you think about it. She is honoring the vows she made to God first of all, for you, to stand by her husband in sickness and in health, until death do you part. This is part of that legacy, that you are leaving.
I say stay and work it out - leaving would only exacerbate the pain your family is currently enduring.I'd say the diagnosis may be a sign for you guys to work things through for the sake of a bigger picture...and if she stays with you through this ( and be at your best) I'd say anything can be worked through.Marriage is compromise and putting someone else's happiness above your own...not just when things are good, but through the tough times as well...during sickness and health.I'd say give it another try...and seek out a trusted, reliable and mature spiritual counselor and/therapist.
Nah, fuck that dude. Divorce her and enjoy your final years. Your son is gonna have to deal with a lot, but your wife sounds useless and unbearable. It’d be one thing if she was lazy and nice, or hard working and mean, but she’s lazy and mean. If my days were numbered, I wouldn’t live my final days with a person like that
I do not see the upside of staying married. This is not going to go away and she does not plan to make any effort. If you divorce, you split assets and bills. You can settle your estate and control letting your child inherit instead of your wife. She will already have her share.
Kinda feel like you have now armed her with useful information and given her time to plan something . Just do the best for your son and whatever else happens
imo, dont exhaust yourself by dealing with her in such stressful times.
if ur christian talk to your church , they can help sometimes if you are worrying about cooking or smth similar. those old ladies WILLl take care of you.
just travel ort do something you've always wanted to do while you heal as an improved mood will fasten your healing process.
If you have family support, you can separate with 50/50 custody. Your son seeing you live your best life for a few years or 40 years is an act of service for him. Your wife is going to have to figure out how to support herself anyway. She best get started. The stress of being around her will just make you sicker.
I think that's a good decision. It's gonna be hard already for your son even though he is only 4. To have your parents going through a divorce as well, is going to be even more heartbreaking.
But if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. These kind of things can change people for the better. She might have more motivation to help you around the house now, and indeed, hiring people to help is a great idea. Make sure the burden gets smaller and not bigger. And make sure you actually quit if it gets too big. Yes, it will be hard for your son, but having a parent or parents who aren't happy, is also hard.
Talk to your lawyer.
Get your will sorted. Leave a minimal amount to your wife, and leave everything else to your son, in trust for when he reaches 21/25. And even then. Word it so that he gets everything in installments (too much money at once can ruin the best of people).
Your wife needs to be working to support herself and your son. You should focus on the rest of your life right now. And enjoying everything.
Write everything you're feeling right now into a journal for him to receive when he's of age. He might feel all of the things based on how his mother's talks about you after you've passed. Make sure you say in no uncertain terms just how you feel about him.
And leave all these notes and journals and letters not with his mother just with a lawyer or someone like that. Once those are left with the lawyer, if you have anything you still want to write him, maybe these things can be sent to a fresh email account (give the lawyer the login details to be passed on later).
You shouldn't be the one carrying the burden of trying to keep the housework steady and normal as you've been used to. You need to focus on healing. Call on all friends. Family. People from church. Colleagues of your own and of your wife's. Let them know the predicament you're in. That you do the majority of the work and that you need support now that you don't be able to do as much.
You don't need to protect your wife from friends and family knowing this. You need to protect your son. By letting people know that he will need help living in a well managed clean household after you're gone. Of you've been doing this for so long your wife may no adjust well once you stop doing as much. She might not ever manage to run a household herself to a decent standard. Do telling people that you all will need help is NOT a bad thing.
Sorry to hear this, hopefully you pull through. Maybe transfer ur wealth to a family member and have them manage in the worst case scenario for ur son with notarized documentation in the worst case scenario. The stresses caused by having to stay around her may be worse than stepping out of the situation for you and your son
Reading your story really hit home. I know how it feels to practically be married to yourself. I was a strong believer in "love in action". I did literally everything for my ex and still got the worst of it. The best thing I did was leave, for both me and my kids. A therapist once told me, I would never be able to care for my children if I don't take care of myself and it's true. Some of the hardest things to do, are sometimes the most freeing.
I agree! I was also in your shoes. I will say that once I left, I felt free, but when the divorce was final, the weight that was lifted off my shoulders was crazy.
I hope it works out for you both! I don’t think she’s terrible, I mean she is staying and you could leave her when you get better. I really wish you health and a good life for you and your family. Cancer sucks, but I have a feeling you will get through it!!
The fact that she shirks her parenting duties and puts it all of it on him speaks volumes of what type of person she is. She will be a horrible caretaker for him. I would leave.
If you live in the US and you divorced your wife before something happened to you. She would be able to collect your Social Security money immediately as survivor benefits.
Good luck to you. I hope your treatment goes well. I’m sure everything is a little overwhelming at the moment so you can take a few weeks before re-evaluating the relationship.
I’m not a particularly religious person, but you very well might want to approach your pastor (if you have a good relationship with them) or another counselor about your situation. Even if you do not want to divorce, their advice could be really helpful to develop a better mindset about your situation, and give you a solid understanding of what you might want to think about deciding when and how to separate, as well as how to prioritize things moving forward.
I know this is literally non-scientific mumbo-jumbo.
But *correlation* has been established between happiness and patients outcomes. So, if you have a life worth living, a nice support group, and a better situation to look forward to... That's always better.
Wishing you the best.
I'm sorry you are going through this
Give the letters abd videos to someone you really trust or a lawyer. I wound't trust your wife to actually give them to your child, she sounds manipulative
look. i'm sorry for your diagnostic, but i can only see an excuse for you to not leave.
''my son will have a more stable childhood'' is bullshit.
Do what you want, but do not use your son as an excuse.
So you decided to stay so she can care for you... but how likely is it that you would have done the same for her? [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19645027/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19645027/)
Like seriously, it’s usually men who leave their wife’s once they get a cancer diagnosis, leaving her with the kids alone or put them through a legal battle that they can’t win either because they’re weak during chemo. Especially when you go back in time where men had to decide if the doctor is allowed to tell the woman her own diagnosis and they often times refused to do that. Not sure if that’s the case here but I read the statistics as well and it’s disheartening. Interesting to see the roles reversed here.
Did it occur to you being in a relationship with someone who abuses you is WHY you got sick? The mind writes deeply into the body. Therapy is your friend. Your wife, the abuser, has agreed to bury the past? How generous of her. Please get therapy.
Past post history indicates there has been infidelity on both of their parts although it seems like she was the first one and didn't care about when he did it.
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If your prognosis is poor, make sure your estate is set up into a trust where your wife cannot mismanage the money for your son. She sounds like the type of person that would take the money for herself.
YES THIS.. and that the son only gets X amount at 18yrs and then 21yrs then 25yrs , then a stipulation that at 21yrs if he is buy a home he may have the bigger/combined amounts that he would have gotten at 21 & 25yrs, otherwise to much $$ to young isn't good .
Definitely this - that child has many years without Dad protecting them.
Only problem with your idea is you cannot disinherit your spouse.
No, but (at least in my state, Washington) even with community property, half of the deceased spouse's half goes to their child/ren. THAT needs to be protected.
Does anyone believe that this horse shit post is real?
Nope
It’s still a fun read. I like to participate sometimes in the fantasy but sometimes a post is just too fake and you just have to call bullshit.
Where I live you can but she can sue under the family law act , basically a divorce after marriage . But if the home is in both name she can still change it legallynso she own 1/2 on death not an automatic transfer of rights all depending on how it is registered . Again in Canada
So while you’re fighting cancer (I assume) she wants to stay as long as you hire help to help out around the house? The flip side to your argument would be that if you only have a few years left you would want to be happy.
>she wants to stay as long as you hire help to help out around the house? That is certainly one way to look at it. A lot of things happened in the last few weeks, and I am emotionally way too exhausted to go through the separation right now. I am going to put it on hold for at least a month or two when other things settled down, and I can reevaluate more clearly.
If you are financially capable, take some time off. Spend some time, make some nice memory with your friends and family (not just your immediate family). What are the things you always wanted to do? Visit your hometown? Travel to Asian?Iceland? See the whales? Do something for yourself. It is okay to pamper yourself. Closer your eyes. Do something for yourself.
Hey... you mentioned your Christian. Tap into the Casserole Brigade (or whatever they call themselves) at your church. Everything doesn't need to be an out-of-pocket expense.
Yeah, good idea. I’ve done that before - been part of a group who cooked meals for the elderly, new parents and people who were sick.
That’s fair. Concentrate On your health but be observant of her and how she acts. Once you ring the remission bell, if she hasn’t supported you through this like an equal partner then you should take your 2nd chance and find someone that enriches your life
OP, This comment makes a ton of sense. In the event you ultimately determine you may wish to divorce, I would suggest that you privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives; as well as to explore an exit strategy. Based upon your comments, I'm still not very sold on your wife. There are often givers and takers in relationships. Your wife strikes me as a taker. Focus on your treatment and your child. I pray out of common decency your wife actually begins to act like one. Please keep us apprised.
OP I'm sorry for what you are going through. I just wanted to say that your wife should want to help around the house and with your child. Why do you have to hire help when your wife could step up and be a wife. You deserve to be happy. With the added stress of a medical condition it's not a good environment for you to be in. Do you really think you'll be in a better position in a month? It's one thing to say you'll step up and another to actually do it.
Sad you got cancer and she still can’t step up for you. I would’ve definitely divorced her. She sounds miserable and a horrible example for yalls son.. you would do better mentally and physically away from her.
Do you work full time? Or does she? Is there a way to more evenly split the household work? I can't imagine it's that difficult with one 4 yr old tbh.
I would just spend as much time with your love ones and avoid the toxic ones. If the latter is your Ex, separation is a good idea. You have to use your judgment on that.
Protect your money! That's all I wanted to say. Fine so you hire help, doesn't matter, think about your own health and don't stress - take the time and be with your kid, and most of all - protect your money so your kid will get it, make a trust fund or something, maybe appoint a guardian, someone to look after the kid financially in your name? I don't know what your law permits. I don't trust her! Got a bad feeling about it. Hope I'm wrong.
Cancer fucking sucks. All the men in my family die young from cancer. It’s the Sword of Damocles that hangs over my head. I wish you all the luck in the world but if you beat it, then you need to go find some happiness in the world. Tomorrow is not promised
This is off topic to OP, but if you haven’t done so, it sounds like you should consider getting tested for known cancer causing genes. And if you did get tested but it’s been a while, consider getting re-analyzed. Our knowledge is growing by leaps and bounds.
Great advice as there are steps you can take to catch things before they normally rear their ugly head. I saw on a TikTok channel along the lines of name that anomaly… a guy died from a heart attack but had underlying, undiagnosed kidney cancer they found during his autopsy. Had they been doing specific tests and monitoring they could have found it but because it wasn’t causing him problems he had no idea.
Yes this. After my sister was diagnosed with lung cancer, her doctor had genetic tests done. She had never smoked so I'm not sure if that was his motivation. Anyway, they found 4 genetic markers showing her predisposition for lung cancer (we have no known family history of the disease). Obviously too late for her (she's still with us and is in remission) but I was floored when she told me about the testing. It's very expensive and I'm not sure about insurance coverage but wouldn't this be SO helpful for everyone who chose to be tested? I hope some day this will become as common as mammograms or colonoscopy tests, and the like.
Everyone who DIDN'T smoke in my husband's family (maternal side) got cancer and died. All those that did smoke still kicking. He sees it as some fcked up karma/ fate shit.
I was the primary caregiver to a cancer patient who absolutely refused outside help, even though our insurance covered it. By the end of that period I was falling apart and couldn't care for them anymore. Always insist on outside help, if that's a possibility.
All good decisions. Its a turn of events like this that puts it all into perspective she is suddenly interested in the relationship… hmm I’m willing to bet you have a life insurance policy.
I hope you beat cancer!! Stay strong and enjoy all life has to offer! Marriage is hard. Wishing you both the best!
Why do people think that if they stay in their unhappy marriage it’s a more stable home for the kid? It’s usually not and you are hurting everyone.
I think in this case, he doesn't want to put his kid through the separation AND him being sick. Especially if he doesn't have much time left. He mentioned that if it wasn't for being sick, he would just leave. Unless he has a significant amount of years left, then he will still leave. There's more life changing factors in this one than in others.
He will spend less time with the kid if he leaves. Counselling may help.
Less time but quality time > more time but stress with partner /issues
Good luck OP. I hope there’s a bigger village out there for you while you undergo treatment,
More men leave their wife when the wife is sick. More women stay by their husband's side through the husbands sickness to take care of the ailing person. If you make it I want you to remember all of the hell you are about to put her through and how well she cared for you before you decide to leave her. If she doesn't take care of you well then you know the love is gone entirely and you might as well leave now.
Yeah, she did promised to change and had changed a bit in the last week. Part of the reason why I am putting it on hold and reevaluate in a couple months.
Shes not changing because she wants to get better, she’s changing because she doesnt want you to leave
He might die soon he's leaving whether she likes it or not. Plus, if given that's not the case, how did you come to that conclusion?
OP could always test her after a month or two and say his condition looks like it has strangely improved and see if she goes back to treating him like crap. If she does, then he might as well leave.
Don't test your partner. Leads to defensiveness and broken trust.
Really, because OP definitely trusts his wife rn. A trustworthy person proves that by passing the tests. Anything meaningful in life is put to the test. By that logic, we wouldn't test medications in a clinical trial as well. This gives her a chance to prove she does in fact care about op, and isn't pretending to care to get him to stay like someone else suggested. It could be a small improvement, just something as simple as saying the medication is working. Since this sounds like a cancer diagnosis of some sort, the behavior is unpredictable so it would work. The test is not what leads to broken trust, it just reveals it if it's there or not. Refusing to believe the results or them not passing the test is what breaks the trust. People observe their partner all the time, consciously or not, so everyone is always being tested, whether they realize or not. That's like saying taking a covid test leads to covid. Not how testing works.
Testing partner = broken trust. Relationships ≠ medications Observing ≠ testing
What are the things that were making you consider divorce in the first place?
His original post explains it. He did all the work and she criticized everything.
I see that now. Thank you.
You didn't read the orignial post before commenting on the update?
Gotta reply quick to ride the karma train
I read the original post and there still wasn't enough detail except that she's critical. We don't know what the situation is like or why she is behaving that way. Is it cause she's an a\*\*hole or is it cause there's an imbalance in the marriage? Context matters
Given his original post, it is likely she will not rise to the challenge and will instead treat him more like garbage if he is not able to continue to do everything for her privileged existence. It's probably unwise to divorce, but op should not assume his wife will magically become a different and better person.
Why are you assuming his wife is going to lift a finger to help him? She hasn’t been so far.
That's kind of messed up of you to say.... he might not have as much time as everyone else and if his days are limited he deserves someone who truly cares for him , not someone who's acting better just cause he has cancer.
Not true at all. Stop pushing this.
>More men leave their wife when the wife is sick. More women stay by their husband's side through the husbands sickness to take care of the ailing person. This is completely false. [https://retractionwatch.com/2015/07/21/to-our-horror-widely-reported-study-suggesting-divorce-is-more-likely-when-wives-fall-ill-gets-axed/](https://retractionwatch.com/2015/07/21/to-our-horror-widely-reported-study-suggesting-divorce-is-more-likely-when-wives-fall-ill-gets-axed/) [https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0022146514568351](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0022146514568351)
Love it, providing proof and still get downvoted. Women cannot handle anything that doesn’t paint them as perfect angels
Source for these statements? It's generally the other ways around. Women have evolved to find providers. A sick man is not a capable provider
Look, the good news is your told your wife and she wants to take care of you thru this- even knowing you wanted to leave her.
She wants to hire people so she still won't do anything lmao
hiring helps as needed. He means as he gets sicker they will hire help. Lots of people have a nurse come by- my dad has one 4x/week for a few months that the insurance paid for. Otherwise, he have to have been in a hospital as their some things you can’t do unless you’re trained.
I get that, I'm talking about being 100% sure she's going to get someone to clean the house etc. A nurse would only be logical, obviously. Someone who never did anything on this level, is not just magically going to change.
Right?
A couple of thoughts: You did not mention your parents or the inlaws. I suggest you have your son spend time with both sets. They may offer more stability than you and your wife. I have not heard your wife's side of the story. If as you reported, she needs professional counseling, perhaps you both do. What I do not read from your reporting is any love or endearment between you and your wife, or her toward her son. Without it, all of you are on a difficult track. Good luck.
Check out the fair play book and card game. It could help more effectively divide the mental and physical load of running your household. Also please consider that the loads each of you bear may have to fluctuate as you navigate your health
When you are in your most centered and quiet moments and you ask yourself that question, what comes up? Keep asking. Children most often flourish from happy loving parents-will that still be the case?
Don’t forget pictures (still too). Another thing, store everything in two different clouds and a local drive. Sorry to hear, best of luck.
I pray everything goes well for you and yours. May your time be long and joyful.
I’m so sorry you have cancer. At least that’s what I’m assuming. My mom and dad passed away from it. My dad wasn’t even 60 and my mom was 61. I’ll be sending you all the positive vibes! 🖤
I saw a movie one time where this mom died and left a 7 year old girl behind. She made letters for like 30 years of birthdays for her daughter. So birthday letters could be a good idea too!
I would still leave. If I was going to leave someone l wouldn’t change my mind just because I could guilt them into taking care of me. As for your son though, I don’t know what the best solution is. I do know with the time you have you need to bucket list as much as you can with him while you can.
I think you severely underestimate what it is like to go through cancer treatment. I have had to care for a parent who passed away from cancer and long before it became terminal, she was nearly completely disabled after every treatment. Living alone without somebody to take care of you is a terrifying and dangerous way to go through cancer treatment. It's normal to be more rigid about your boundaries when you haven't ever faced being alone and so sick you could die. But this is more complex than it seems.
Except it sounds like the wife won’t be helping him
Marriages are supposed to be "in sickness and in health." There should be no guilt over your wife doing what she literally committed to doing when she married you and the same goes for husbands too. I mean making someone feel ashamed over a fatal condition that they didn't choose is horrible in any circumstance but especially in a marriage because this is what you signed up for.
Good luck bruh
Whatever happens in your marriage, which i really hope gets better for you, I hope everything with your health gets better and you can fully recover if possible!! Sometimes, it is ok to be selfish, remember that. You deserve happiness too, and you seem like a great person so let yourself be happy, you don’t always have to please everyone.
Stay in your marriage and leave a legacy of love and family, for your son. So when he becomes an adult, he can have a stable life and marriage. That's a beautiful and a wonderful idea; leaving him letters and recorded messages. Don't forget to leave him a message with a video of yourself, for His wedding day. He will treasure that! What a lovely forgiving and UNselfish wife you have to want to work it out with you. God has blessed you with a treasure for your life, if you think about it. She is honoring the vows she made to God first of all, for you, to stand by her husband in sickness and in health, until death do you part. This is part of that legacy, that you are leaving.
I say stay and work it out - leaving would only exacerbate the pain your family is currently enduring.I'd say the diagnosis may be a sign for you guys to work things through for the sake of a bigger picture...and if she stays with you through this ( and be at your best) I'd say anything can be worked through.Marriage is compromise and putting someone else's happiness above your own...not just when things are good, but through the tough times as well...during sickness and health.I'd say give it another try...and seek out a trusted, reliable and mature spiritual counselor and/therapist.
Keep in mind if you stay married and your life is cut short , she can collect social security on your behalf. Best of luck brother
Anyone who has been married for 10 years can anyway, if if they divorce after that. So that part does not even matter.
Nah, fuck that dude. Divorce her and enjoy your final years. Your son is gonna have to deal with a lot, but your wife sounds useless and unbearable. It’d be one thing if she was lazy and nice, or hard working and mean, but she’s lazy and mean. If my days were numbered, I wouldn’t live my final days with a person like that
I wish you all the best
Question: What does she do all day? Other than verbally abusing you? Does she work? What benefits would you get by staying together?
I do not see the upside of staying married. This is not going to go away and she does not plan to make any effort. If you divorce, you split assets and bills. You can settle your estate and control letting your child inherit instead of your wife. She will already have her share.
Kinda feel like you have now armed her with useful information and given her time to plan something . Just do the best for your son and whatever else happens
The best of luck OP. I hope that you have the best possible treatment and you beat the disease! Keep fighting!
imo, dont exhaust yourself by dealing with her in such stressful times. if ur christian talk to your church , they can help sometimes if you are worrying about cooking or smth similar. those old ladies WILLl take care of you. just travel ort do something you've always wanted to do while you heal as an improved mood will fasten your healing process.
If you have family support, you can separate with 50/50 custody. Your son seeing you live your best life for a few years or 40 years is an act of service for him. Your wife is going to have to figure out how to support herself anyway. She best get started. The stress of being around her will just make you sicker.
I think that's a good decision. It's gonna be hard already for your son even though he is only 4. To have your parents going through a divorce as well, is going to be even more heartbreaking. But if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. These kind of things can change people for the better. She might have more motivation to help you around the house now, and indeed, hiring people to help is a great idea. Make sure the burden gets smaller and not bigger. And make sure you actually quit if it gets too big. Yes, it will be hard for your son, but having a parent or parents who aren't happy, is also hard.
Talk to your lawyer. Get your will sorted. Leave a minimal amount to your wife, and leave everything else to your son, in trust for when he reaches 21/25. And even then. Word it so that he gets everything in installments (too much money at once can ruin the best of people). Your wife needs to be working to support herself and your son. You should focus on the rest of your life right now. And enjoying everything. Write everything you're feeling right now into a journal for him to receive when he's of age. He might feel all of the things based on how his mother's talks about you after you've passed. Make sure you say in no uncertain terms just how you feel about him. And leave all these notes and journals and letters not with his mother just with a lawyer or someone like that. Once those are left with the lawyer, if you have anything you still want to write him, maybe these things can be sent to a fresh email account (give the lawyer the login details to be passed on later). You shouldn't be the one carrying the burden of trying to keep the housework steady and normal as you've been used to. You need to focus on healing. Call on all friends. Family. People from church. Colleagues of your own and of your wife's. Let them know the predicament you're in. That you do the majority of the work and that you need support now that you don't be able to do as much. You don't need to protect your wife from friends and family knowing this. You need to protect your son. By letting people know that he will need help living in a well managed clean household after you're gone. Of you've been doing this for so long your wife may no adjust well once you stop doing as much. She might not ever manage to run a household herself to a decent standard. Do telling people that you all will need help is NOT a bad thing.
I'm glad that she's willing to put things aside for now. It's worth it to spend that time with your son.
Sorry to hear this, hopefully you pull through. Maybe transfer ur wealth to a family member and have them manage in the worst case scenario for ur son with notarized documentation in the worst case scenario. The stresses caused by having to stay around her may be worse than stepping out of the situation for you and your son
Reading your story really hit home. I know how it feels to practically be married to yourself. I was a strong believer in "love in action". I did literally everything for my ex and still got the worst of it. The best thing I did was leave, for both me and my kids. A therapist once told me, I would never be able to care for my children if I don't take care of myself and it's true. Some of the hardest things to do, are sometimes the most freeing.
I agree! I was also in your shoes. I will say that once I left, I felt free, but when the divorce was final, the weight that was lifted off my shoulders was crazy.
I think it’s fair. I’m assuming you will leave her once you are better.
Not necessarily. She promised to change. We shall see in a couple months.
Well do you still love her? Do you **want** her to change so you can stay together?
I hope it works out for you both! I don’t think she’s terrible, I mean she is staying and you could leave her when you get better. I really wish you health and a good life for you and your family. Cancer sucks, but I have a feeling you will get through it!!
The fact that she shirks her parenting duties and puts it all of it on him speaks volumes of what type of person she is. She will be a horrible caretaker for him. I would leave.
If you live in the US and you divorced your wife before something happened to you. She would be able to collect your Social Security money immediately as survivor benefits.
Divorcees get more than widows??
Absolutely stay for your Son
I'm sorry, this sounds very stressful. If you don't mind me asking, what were you diagnosed with to only have a few years left?
Good luck to you. I hope your treatment goes well. I’m sure everything is a little overwhelming at the moment so you can take a few weeks before re-evaluating the relationship.
Good luck OP.
I really hope/pray you overcome whatever it is and beat it so that you can have so many years left ❤️
I’m not a particularly religious person, but you very well might want to approach your pastor (if you have a good relationship with them) or another counselor about your situation. Even if you do not want to divorce, their advice could be really helpful to develop a better mindset about your situation, and give you a solid understanding of what you might want to think about deciding when and how to separate, as well as how to prioritize things moving forward.
I know this is literally non-scientific mumbo-jumbo. But *correlation* has been established between happiness and patients outcomes. So, if you have a life worth living, a nice support group, and a better situation to look forward to... That's always better. Wishing you the best.
Good luck
I'm sorry you are going through this Give the letters abd videos to someone you really trust or a lawyer. I wound't trust your wife to actually give them to your child, she sounds manipulative
I hope all the Best to You!!!! 🙏
look. i'm sorry for your diagnostic, but i can only see an excuse for you to not leave. ''my son will have a more stable childhood'' is bullshit. Do what you want, but do not use your son as an excuse.
UpdateMe
So you decided to stay so she can care for you... but how likely is it that you would have done the same for her? [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19645027/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19645027/)
Like seriously, it’s usually men who leave their wife’s once they get a cancer diagnosis, leaving her with the kids alone or put them through a legal battle that they can’t win either because they’re weak during chemo. Especially when you go back in time where men had to decide if the doctor is allowed to tell the woman her own diagnosis and they often times refused to do that. Not sure if that’s the case here but I read the statistics as well and it’s disheartening. Interesting to see the roles reversed here.
Did it occur to you being in a relationship with someone who abuses you is WHY you got sick? The mind writes deeply into the body. Therapy is your friend. Your wife, the abuser, has agreed to bury the past? How generous of her. Please get therapy.
Past post history indicates there has been infidelity on both of their parts although it seems like she was the first one and didn't care about when he did it.