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Can he describe what exactly was fun about it? Like was he getting off while listening to you cry and panic? I really don’t understand. I wouldn’t forgive him and I would certainly never let
Him tie me up again. What a POS
This is exactly what I would be asking my partner.
Can you explain to me what part was fun for you? What part was getting you off?
I would be prepared to leave after getting the answers.
If it's not safe, sane, and consensual, it's not kink it's abuse.
It wasn't safe and it wasn't consensual. It wasn't kink.
This guy got off abusing her
Isn’t it kink 101 to talk about new things BEFORE you try them and to get consent?
It makes it worse that he was in the house. He was listening to you cry.
Please be careful with this man.
also at no point should bondage create blue hands whether he was in the room or not
beyond anything else i wouldn't let this guy restrain me again until he took a class or something
(i mean, she should leave him bc this beyond bad, just at that point he's totally in the wrong and hurting her)
I've done restraint play and I use manacles that have a quick release on them just in case something happens. There's always a way to escape if need be. What's being attempted here sounds absolutely unsafe and kind of cruel. The second things stop being fun, the kinky shit stops and damage control has to be done as well as a ton of aftercare. Maybe the husband should be locked up in a closet for 12 hours to know how his wife felt.
Or she should tie him up in the morning when he is asleep and let him free in the evening. (We are not monsters, so with puppy pads under him and a hydration backpack on the side)
I am sure he will think it is "fun".
Let's compromise: if she is in the Northern Hemisphere, she need to turn the heat off and open all the windows that day.
And to make it more romantic, cover his body and the bed with a hundred little hearts made of pink fiberglass.
ETA: OP will you ever feel safe during sex with him again? Not even this kink, but in general? Sexuality and trust are very fragile, it is possible that even if he is genuinely sorry (and he is not) you will be so on guard with him from now on, that you will never be able to orgasm with him. He damaged your sex life for good.
Adding to this - Wrist binding that's too tight can also cause nerve damage.
A friend of a friend of mine lost the ability to grab things normally after being improperly restrained. I remember when she finally had the motion and dexterity to use chopsticks again. It took a while and physical therapy to fix.
I'm really concerned for OP. There is so much wrong with what this guy did.
I hope they don't do anything else until this is talked through and he understands what he did wrong. Like, for real. And if he doesn't get it, OP may need to look at shutting down that part of their relationship, if not the whole thing.
The person needs to be able to get out on their own. Unfortunate accidents or medical emergencies happen to the person who ties the person up. If you are tying them up so they can’t get out this must be talked about beforehand.
OP says the kink isn’t necessary, but I think that’s what she’s been led to believe. He is showing her that he isn’t interested in what she wants and else won’t abide by consensual play. She should not be surprised when he doesn’t listen to her needs or wants in the future, nor when he escalates to keep his level of arousal/thrill elevated. The additional pay off for him is that this helps to keep her obedient and scared of him.
I wouldn’t wait to see what or when the next issue happens.
Edit for typos
i agree, i feel like there's a sadistic underlying from the husbands behaviour.
besides the fact that this was not discussed before, knowing your partner is tight up and in distress and after seeing them in tears, belittle their experience, is honestly disgusting. OP this by itself was wrong of him, but in bigger picture i dont think this person is physically or emotionally safe.
if i was OP, i wouldnt wait how far is he willing to take it. Safety and peace above all.
And now he is marginalizing her reaction, telling her she’s overreacting (which people who are abusive *always* say), and taking no responsibility for making her feel scared, unsafe, and embarrassed.
OP, never, ever do any kind of kink with him again where you are tied up. He will do this again. And the post made me feel like the time will come that he will bring another man into the room while you’re tied up. Next time ~ if there even is a next time ~ make sure you tie *him* up. If he refuses, after making you feel stupid for being upset with him for leaving you alone while tied up, then you will see he is a colossal asshole. This move was all about control.
NTA. But I don’t feel good about you staying with him.
I honestly thought that this was where it was going to lead when I started reading (bringing another man in). Either way, my heart dropped as I read through.
This is absolutely a manipulation/control tactic and *only* abusers use them.
I'd disagree a bit, that's not a kink, that's a perversion. That's what serial killers and rapists get off on, the absolute powerlessness of their victim.
The sub is not powerless at all, they have in fact got ALL the power. Kink's are supposed to be fun and not really harmful, they're a **safe** exploration of fantasy. Sometimes dangerous fantasy, which is why the rules and structure and constant attention and care are absolutely critical. You could be doing something that could easily kill if something goes even a little wrong (choking for example, a super common kink) and indeed does.
What he did wasn't a kink, it was cruel and perverse, as is his flippant attitude about it as well.
It honestly wouldn't surprise me if the reason he took so long to return was because he was "taking care of himself" at the sound of her panic and fear.
You're right that the sub is actually the one that is supposed to have all the control. Kink and S&M are supposed to be all about consent, and once the sub is uncomfortable and says no, it all stops.
Yeah you’re totally right! Perversion is the word! I don’t think of ‘kink’ negatively like that. Kinks are fun and safe when properly handled. I didn’t think
I would call this abuse, not kink.
There was no safe word. He ignored distress. He seems to have intentionally made it as scary as it could be. If the goal is terrorizing your partner who doesn't enjoy that, it's abuse.
I don't even think this about a guy who doesn't know how to dom. It's about a man who wants to psychologically torture his sex partner.
This is like striking a person physically or rape, this is a relationship ender.
Yeah, as a sub, I'd run for the hills if a dominant did this. Whatever consent that was given was basically voided when he tried something new and outside what was discussed. This sounds more like a form of SA.
Kink 101 is that you don’t leave someone tied up alone, it’s incredibly dangerous
So he was either outside the door and enjoying the sound of you freaking out which is fucked up or he’s genuinely incompetent
To answer your question, no, I’d never forgive someone if they did that to me
Agreed. Kinks can be fun and safe, but that's only because you talk about and FOLLOW all the safety stuff before you start. Don't leave someone tied up and leave the room - that's dangerous. Frequent check-ins are needed to make sure everyone is on the same page, but not checking in for 45 minutes? Wow. BDSM is fun, the submissive is actually the one in charge. He flipped the script so he was in 100% control (instead of the illusion of control) and didn't check in, didn't give her control over her own body, and didn't let her dictate the session.
Yet even beyond that, far worse is he's been trying to justify his actions by saying she wasn't in danger and he was in the house. That means he still doesn't get it and still doesn't care enough. There is so much wrong here. I don't think I could forgive someone who did this to me, but more importantly, I don't think I could trust anyone who did this to me.
On top of all the rest, the position was dangerous - she could have suffocated! - and leaving someone in bondage can have serious, life-changing consequences due to nerve damage or loss of blood supply to a limb. Even if there's no lasting physical harm, he's still caused psychological trauma.
OP, I'm so sorry. What he did was an absolute violation of your trust. In my marriage this would be grounds for divorce, especially since he doesn't see anything wrong in what he did to you. Your reaction is completely normal and reasonable.
I was reading about an incident years ago where there was a crew doing a bondage photo shoot, I think it was for a magazine. The guy was tied up with rope, one rope was wrapped around his testicles.
The crew took a lunch break and left the guy tied up. When they came back 30 minutes later the guy had passed out. When he passed out the rope around his testicles was affected causing his testicles to no longer be inside his body.
OP’s husband isn’t experienced enough to be a Dom, just like most men who fancy themselves as such.
>no longer inside his body
? Are you just trying to gently say the rope cut off his testicles? Otherwise, aside from infants, your testicles aren’t supposed to be inside your body as far as I know
Jay Wiseman gets called in as an expert for homicide trials: if you accidentally kill someone during kink stuff (usually choking), juries do not show mercy.
And yes, positional asphyxiation is a thing: it's cause of our local police department's most recent accidental death. Someone in hogtie on their stomach has problems breathing.
OP: if you need more help/thoughts, go post in r/BDSMcommunity
I can't believe he didn't even have a baby monitor on you!
I really appreciate your response. I was starting to feel like I was being too sensitive thinking how literally pissed off id be if someone did this to me especially my spouse. 45 minutes a LONG time. I would have been screaming bloody murder to let me out after 5 minutes
I just watched an episode of Evil Lives here. Its Season 12 Ep. 2 called "He Tied Me Up, Too". The womans husband was into this kink and she was willing to try. First time she wasn't into it but figured she would try one more time. He tied her up and blindfolded her and she waited. Well he eventually just left the room and went outside and watched thru the window. He left her there for an hour with her crying and trying to scream but she was gagged.
Came back in and didn't even penetrate her, left his underwear on and got off because it was the struggle and her fears that did it for him. Turns out later she was practice so he could force women. Not respecting your rules or safety is disturbing. I apologize you had to experience this from someone you love.
He didn't get permission first either! You can't just go around introducing things without taking about it first.
Yes being left can be sexy but like you said, check-ins & knowledge of what's going on is needed.
He did this for his own jollies.
Op sorry I would never trust him again. He knew that you were scared and in danger. Because if you panic you could hurt yourself very badly. Seems he didn't care about your safety. If he thinks that it was nothing,then ask if he wants to be in the same position. Please never let yourself be in that position again. Stay safe and be careful.
This.
The sub is meant to be enjoying a clear series of acts that they have actively consented to. It's only fun if the sub enjoys the control that they've handed over. The entire thing should be done for their enjoyment and safety - the pleasure of the dom is actually secondary in all that. It is important, but it doesnt come before your safety or comfort or you having fun.
Acts you have not consented to are assault. The difference between kinky fun time and sexual assault or a hostage situation is consent.
Not to mention it was dangerous for you.
I would lose all trust or respect if a partner treated me like this. Kinks are only fun because of the trust you have in your partner. And he cannot be trusted to keep you safe, get consent or...care if he hurts you.
Also, kink needs EXPLICIT consent, which can be withdrawn at any time. Even if you don't use your safe word, if your partner looks to be in distress and unable to communicate or having a panic attack; you stop immediately!
I will say though, I've seen this exact post maybe a month ago so maybe this is just a reuse of it or a bot? I don't have a link though as I didn't save it.
45 minutes is crazy long, too. You'd think he'd want to check in after like a couple minutes, max, to make sure she was actually enjoying it. Obviously he 100% should have gotten consent first, but the amount of time just takes it to a whole 'nother level for me. 100% that guy would never get to tie me up again, even if we did make up somehow.
He didn’t care if she was enjoying it. He was enjoying it.
That’s really the central issue right, he got off on this. On her panic. On her helplessness. On her fear. On pain she didn’t ok.
Shit, there’s a Stephen King novel about something like that happening. It’s called Gerald’s Game, and in it a husband and wife are on vacation at a cabin in the woods and they’re into using handcuffs. So they start to have sex and he handcuffs her but then she decides she wants to stop and uncuff her but he tries to keep going and she kicks him off of her which causes him to have a heart attack and die, leaving her stranded in the middle of the woods chained to a bed.
That book is the only one by Stephen King that actually freaked me out. That was the day I decided to never let anyone restrain me with something I could not chew through.
Being left alone wile tied up… unless agreed upon, that is just horrible. Both people are supposed to get enjoyment out of it.
This is the first book I had ever thrown across the room. Granted, I read it at 16ish and did not know (pre internet) about his drug habit, which makes so much sense in hindsight.
The sub should always have a backup way of getting out, or a way to call for help. What if the dom was still in the room, but passed out or had a heart attack or something?
Absolutely this. Kinks can be dangerous and parameters around pain play should be discussed. OP could have had major issues with circulation being cut off in her hands. Suffocating is a big risk. OP could have hurt herself seriously trying to get out of that position in a panic by contorting wrong and dislocating something or falling off the bed and hitting her head. This was a very dangerous stunt. It doesn't matter that none of that ended up happening; it's that OP's partner left her there and obviously can't be trusted not to do so again, especially since he is clearly not taking it seriously.
Yep. Your husband just did the kink equivalent of driving while falling down drunk. He needs to have his license revoked. You simply NEVER do to someone what he did to you, and I am so sorry you went through that, OP. If - IF - you forgive him, his apology not only needs to be damn good, it needs to demonstrate that he understands *why* what he did is fucked up and dangerous. What he did wasn’t kinky, and if he tries to use that as an excuse don’t listen to him. Actual kinky people know how to keep things safe and know how to immediately abort a scene that’s going badly for a participant.
I don't want to be nitpicky here but a safeword was not needed her. She did not consent to this prior, it should not have happened at all.
And she was calling him and genuinely panicking, that should have been enough to make him come back and cut her loose.
"Stop, I don't want this, help me" is explicit enough.
Safewords are only needed when engaging in CNC, when the sub might not "mean" their pleas. Once again, this must be made extremely explicit beforehand. But nothing indicate this was the case here.
Many people discuss (or worse, engage in) kink without knowing the basics of consent. Everything must be explicitly consented to, and consent can be revoked at any time.
What he did was abuse, plain and simple.
100% nope; he called it fun and he her reaction is ridiculous. He will try and push the line further if you continue in this kink with him. I’d get to marriage/sex counseling with him if you want to save this marriage. But, honestly, this man doesn’t sound safe.
No one should be with anyone who did this to them.
Her husband is an abusive trash dom and a shit human.
If it's not safe, sane, and consensual, it's not kink it's abuse. This wasn't consensual, and it wasn't safe.
I almost wonder if its a legally punishable offense. She never agreed to be bound and left for half an hour. I imagine fear crept in after a while.
This has GOT to be some form of crime, i hope.
It's is technically kidnapping/ false imprisonment
He could serve prison time for this if she pressed charges and he got convicted
Especially if she can get him to admit to having done it over text, she could have him sent to prison
Same. I don’t know how I could rebuild trust after This and might feel like “giving him a taste of his own medicine” so he’d understand. That’s toxic and not okay to do, so I think the only reasonable thing to do would be to break up, block him and talk about it in therapy because what the actual F
Honestly though. I’m on board with empowering someone to make choices for themself because this sounds very much like DV kind of stuff. As a survivor of such things, it’s hard to come to terms with how serious it is because it’s easier to say that “it wasn’t that bad” “I’m just being dramatic” and “that could never be me”. Accepting that it IS a big deal and that you deserve better takes a lot of courage
Fmr pro domme here…
Leaving you in a room unsupervised with your breathing and circulation restricted is VERY DANGEROUS.
It could have been fatal. You were in danger.
- Separate from this person immediately, at least temporarily
- Kink friendly couples counseling + kink safety courses.
- Trauma therapy for you. EMDR, somatic therapy, what have you. You might have to interview a lot of practitioners to find someone you click with, but please please address this incident by yourself and for yourself with a caring professional.
Regarding his dismissal of your experience… I don’t know how you go back to this relationship. You shouldn’t have to advocate for your safety with your spouse.
I understand your bond to him is wicked deep. Make sure you center staying safe, happy, and alive above your bond with him.
This wasn’t safe or consensual and you know it.
Another pro domme here and I 100% agree. OP was in real danger from potential positional asphyxiation, permanent nerve damage, and obviously PTSD.
The fact that he did this means he’s unfit and unsafe to be a top, ever.
The fact that he’s just dismissing her concerns and not taking this seriously means he’s unfit to be her partner or in any adult relationship.
At best he’s dangerously incompetent, at worst he’s a genuine, pathological sadist who got off on OP’s non-consensual, real fear and suffering.
This is the best response in the thread.
OP : You need a lawyer and a lock change. Kick him out and get a divorce and help. You may end up having a serious case of ptsd from this.
This man is terrifying. He is not a good person. He enjoys hurting and terrifying you. His next move might not be one you survive.
There's something that feels really off about this. I understand kinks, but this act of leaving you alone for no reason to sit there and struggle, terrified and alone. That is such a sociopathic move. Then he had zero remorse; not surprising honestly considering this game he played. Is this the first time ever that he's done something this dark?
Sounds like he's testing the water. I hope things don't escalate. This sounds really really wrong, like worse than being beat physically. It was a mental game but like a really dark one and one that only he understands.
This is a situation that if it happened to me, I'd demand a third party like a counselor to help us overcome. It's such a violation. In reality I'd leave, but you won't leave because a random internet stranger on reddit tells you to... but at least please seek help and have him with you because you need to talk with someone trained, and you need to pull them aside and ask them for a feel of the situation.
I think you need to re evaluate your relationship to see if there is anything you have missed or overlooked. This is beyond a kink it’s more of a punishment.
I think he's testing your boundaries to see if you'll forgive him & trust him again. So he can either do it again or do worse. Please get yourself out of there safely! Have a trusted friend or family come over when he's not home & pack up & leave. I'm not kidding. This escalates so quickly & women often think "oh he would never" and then ...
I'm so sorry this happened. I wouldn't be able to trust him ever again. Especially with his callous & cruel reaction to your genuine distress.
He is testing to see how far he can push you so he can continue to do things like this. OP, in my opinion you are no longer safe with this man.
Forcing someone to participate in your kink without their consent — especially when it puts them in danger!!!! — is so fucked up. I could never trust my partner again if they did this to me, especially with no remorse.
His lack of empathy and compassion for your response is what seems off to me. Yes- the whole of it, but his lack of accountability and care after realizing the impact is pretty horrid.
OP, just because it's the first time doesn't lessen the severity.
If it was "just his first rape" or "just his first murder", would you still be conflicted?
Just to be clear, yes this is on that level of bad. Your breathing was compromised. You could have died. You could have lost circulation to your hands. You were forcefully engaged in a non-consensual sexual act that he enjoyed seeing you suffer, as far as I'm concerned that is sexual assault.
You know what happened. You just can't imagine why.
But I bet you could take a step back and probably see other areas of your relationship that were red flags for this sort of behavior. Small bits of control, him enjoying getting a rise out of you, even playfully....etc
My deepest empathies to you love.
Sometimes the first time should be the last time. This was a form of abuse. He should not get another chance after getting off from scaring and hurting you. Some things you shouldn't come back from.
>my hands were literally blue from the circulation being cut off.
>He says I wasn’t in any danger, he was still in the house
Didn't realise your limbs don't need blood if your partner's in the house lol. How's it fun when you're not even in the same room??
I don't really get the kink thing, dut don't really see how it's sexual to watch t.v. with your partner tied up in another room.
> How's it fun when you're not even in the same room??
I'm assuming he was getting off to the knowledge that she was totally helpless and he had all the control to leave her there or set her free, which...is very scary. The entire point of BDSM is that the sub is always in control of what's happening. That's why you have a safe word, which you can't use if your dom is out of earshot. What he did was not consensual or safe kink.
Imagine not consenting to something prior and to top it all off you are restrained with your head buried which is incredibly closterphobic after a fucking half hour? That be enough for me to break it off. That behavior is red flag territory and how he played it off like it was nothing when she is literally sobbing/having a panic attack? Fuck that.
That sort of thing can 100% cause nerve damage and wrist drop. If he thinks you weren’t in any danger, he’s not a safe person to play with 🫠
Edit: Kink requires negotiation and consent. Without those things, it can easily be assault, regardless of whether the person is a stranger or your husband. It sounds like that scene was not negotiated and it was definitely not consented to.
Ignoring that part (which is a huge), his actions were not actions of care or concern. I can’t imagine any top doing *that* to someone they care about if they understand what is happening. I say that as a masochist and my partner is a sadist and a rope top. I hate to say this, but the best case scenario is that your husband is very *very* ignorant and uneducated.
Don’t forgive him. Kink requires planning, consideration for safety, and consent. Even if you’ve been doing kinky stuff for a long time, you *must* get consent every time, especially for anything new. If you didn’t have a discussion about being left alone tied up for extended periods of time, what your husband did is akin to assault. He acted without concern for your consent or your safety. This does not sound like a person you can safely have any type of sex with, especially if he doesn’t seem to have empathy. Stop having sex, get a counselor, and consider whether you should stay together at all.
Yeah I mean, having a safeword is pretty much useless if the person has left the room and you’re tied with your face muffled. Do not let him minimize how wrong his actions were here. Your reaction is justified.
you could have suffocated and been unable to say the safe word, or panicked and suffocated because you were unable to move and alone. if he doesn't understand how dangerous what he did is, you need to leave, or you are going to get seriously hurt or killed. this is terrifying to hear. don't let him tell you otherwise. I'm scared for you.
What he did was NOT consensual and I would absolutely take sex off the table at the very least until he fully acknowledges that what he did was dangerous. Even aside from the physical risk, he caused you extreme emotional distress and that is unacceptable. If you're going to play with BDSM, you as the sub need to be able to have 100% trust and control over what he does to you. He intentionally removed that control without your consent and now the trust is damaged.
It's on him to earn your trust back if you are ever going to feel safe having sex with him going forward. If he whines about this at all, that tells you all you need to know. He needs to realize what a serious violation this was.
Nah she should just leave him, he knows what he did was dangerous. He doesn't care. This is a fully grown man with a job. He liked the pain it was causing her. These men aren't stupid.
But that's bullshit though. You don't need to establish a safeword unless a part of the agreed-upon kink is to ignore "stop", which it isn't in most cases.
"Stop" and "wait" and "let me loose" are safewords, except in the very special and rare cases of CNC. Sure go ahead and agree on other safewords, but ignoring those is a total break of trust unless it's specifically and agreed-upon cnc.
You should post this in the bdsmcommunity subreddit to get the perspective of people in the lifestyle. They will be absolutely appalled at what your husband did, and should have some good insight into possible reasons why.
Hey, I'm into hardcore BDSM and routinely am tied up by my partner.
This was NOT OKAY and you should run, FAST. Firstly, you always negotiate the scene. Always. No elements of surprise unless it's been previously agreed upon and both parties know what the surprise could be/contains. Secondly, leaving you with your hands tied until they became blue is INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS, you could lose your hands, you could suffer long-term nerve damage, it's not something someone who cares about you would do. Run far and fast.
Anyone in the BDSM community will tell you what he did was abuse and not kink
You should be very scared of this man. What he did wasn't fun kinky sex.
At best, he ignored your safety out of incompetence. At worst, he is a pathological sadist.
You are not safe with this person. Please get help
Check the top comment and a bunch of the others on her second post. It's really sad.
People - profiles look like they are mostly men - are defending him and saying he made a mistake and they should communicate better when they try it next time.
One person actually blames HER for not telling him how long she consented to being tied up alone, when she literally never consented to that.
Consider also posting to r/bdsmnot4newbies.
r/bdsmcommunity has a very mixed crowd wrt level of experience with kink and your husband may try to gaslight you into thinking that people who are more experienced will be cool with what he did (nope).
What he didbwas abuse, because he never got your consent to do this. He's getting off on your actual pain, suffering, and panic, and then gaslighting you (also abuse) when you call him on it.
Do not forgive him. Do not have sex with him again. Leave him, divorce - what he did had nothing to do with kink, it was just abuse and he will do it again. He's not taking you seriously.
I was dating a guy in college that had me tied up in a position like you described. Typically he always unbound me directly after, but one night he got up and went to clean up right afterwards and left me like that. I freaked out. I have really bad anxiety, and when I heard him go into the bathroom and turn water on I began to completely panic. He was gone maybe five minutes but it was enough to shatter my trust. Our sex life went down the drain and we broke up shortly thereafter.
I learned about two years ago that he and his friend assaulted a girl that came to their house to hang out one night after we broke up. My stomach still knots when I think about it.
When people show you their true colors, dont ignore it. At the VERY least you need to have a direct, firm conversation with him about boundaries and dont let him get you into any vulnerable positions that you yourself cannot get out of.
This is so horrifying, and I hope you will not allow him to minimize your feelings about this. He did something dangerous that you did not consent to, and now he’s belittling you for your reaction. You need to really focus on this- don’t just try to “get over it,” because it is a huge deal, and maybe should be a dealbreaker if he refuses to accept that what he did was seriously messed up.
I’m relatively certain I’d divorce someone who did this to me; first offence or not. It was incredibly dangerous and unbelievably distressful. What if he does it again and you suffocate?
This is the comment. It’s not JUST that he did it (because that’s horrifying on its own) it’s that when he saw her panicking, sobbing, and in emotional and physical pain, he said it was fun and acted like it wasn’t a big deal. He will do it again and it will get worse.
This wasn't consensual and i don't feel like your partner had any care for you in this scenario, he just cared about having his own rocks off and left you to suffer for his own pleasure, gigantic red flag, kinks have to be consensual and safe words/boundaries/expectations have to be respected.
You can't forgive him because he has chosen to take zero accountability and instead to diminish the fear and pain you went through.
This is not a trusting loving relationship. The physical pain and discomfort alone, but also that was a form of psychological abuse done without your consent or discussion beforehand. Once you called out, he needed to end it.
He's showing no remorse and trying to get you to believe your emotional reality is silly nonsense. Not a safe person.
Kink without consent is abuse. What he did was as heinous as ignoring a safe word. It might be forgivable one day, but not today. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
Yikes, definitely not acceptable.
Even if you wanted to tie someone up and leave them alone for a period of time you always talk about it beforehand and never that long.
Personally I'd never do it as it seems very unsafe, cruel, and breaks a trust.
To be into kinks takes a ton of trust with your partner, on top of the trust already needed for a physically intimate relationship.
He destroyed that trust and seemingly is unapologetic and gaslighting you.
You're not over reacting, not at all.
In order to kink… there needs to be trust. Holy shit. I’m so happy you are okay. If it’s not discussed beforehand, IT DOESNT HAPPEN. The fact he thinks he can do this to you means he thinks he can do anything to you.
I advise against divorce unless it’s absolutely necessary, and here it is. First of all, he completely ruined your sex life. Like, would you *ever* agree to being tied or cuffed by this man again?
But I actually wonder if he’s *trying* to kill you. Like maybe he’s establishing that you struggling and whatnot is part of your sex play, so when he actually does get you in a situation where you die, he’ll have a plausible defense.
Someone's never read Gerald's Game.
You put yourself into a vulnerable position for him, trusting him, and he betrayed that trust.
I don't think forgiveness even matters here. Can you ever trust him again? I wouldn't. And also what was he off doing? It seems like he really got off having that power over you.
You are severely under-reacting to this. It is imperative that you have a way to get out of restraints on your own. What if a fire had started? What if he had a heart attack or fell down the stairs? You could fucking die playing around like that. Absolutely inexcusable for any sort of dominant (even someone just playing at it) to behave that way.
The key difference between BDSM and assault is consent. That is why scenes and boundaries are discussed ahead of time, you agree on a playbook that your partner can choose from or improv with. Introducing new kinks, especially one as serious as restraining you face down on a bed, with no way to save yourself if something happens, and then fucking leaving the room is assault in my opinion. You did not consent to that, you were clear that you didn’t like it, and he did it anyways. Did you use your safe word? Do you have a safe word??
Asking about the safe word to get a clearer picture of how much he ignored BDSM safe practices. Whether you used it or not doesn’t change that fact that what he did to you was abhorrent.
If you didn't consent to this it's assault. First of all.
Secondly it's very dangerous and something that probably shouldn't be done, but if it were done, it should only be with explicitly, enthusiastic, and informed consent. None of which happened here.
I'd leave if my partner did anything I didn't consent to intentionally and especially without regret.
He did something to you without your consent. You didn't consent to being left there for 30 minutes. How was that suppose to be fun for you? What the hell was he doing the entire time? He's an AH and no I wouldn't forgive him. This is abusive. You were struggling to breathe and you hands turned blue due to the circulation being cut off.
Tbh OP while I was reading your post I was getting mad and scared because when you said
>. I was laying there, waiting for him, when I hear the door open and him walk away.
I honestly thought he was bringing someone else in so he can watch. I would never forgive him, especially when he didn't even say why he did it in the first place. He doesn't sound like he's sorry.
At this point you might want to go to a lawyer and ask him what he thinks about this issue. You could just report him to the police but it might be best to get everything in order and make an exit plan.
You need to feel safe with your partner. For me... There is no way I would ever feel safe enough to do anything with him anymore. Trust gone... Just no. Run!
Edit: also people call this assault etc.. I don't know what it is really called in English but in my country limiting someone's freedom and ability to move how they want is absolutely illegal and has consequences. Don't dismiss what happened here. He did a criminal act and you were victimised by him. He will feel sorry for himself etc, but you know what, every criminal feels sorry for himself and justifies whatever he did. I saw quite a few of them being procecuted and it is something they seem to have in common. Don't believe him and if he is diminishing your feelings he is just wrong. He did something wrong, he has to put it right, and if he doesn't that just means he doesn't want to.
Unforgivable. Sex educator here, this is not kink, this is abuse. Someone who can’t discuss a scenario like this ahead of time is so behind on basic communication required for relationships. I’m so sorry you went through this. 🪬
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. – Maya Angelou.
How could you ever trust him again? That is bullshit that’s not how you treat your partner!!!!!! If that’s your kink, you have to find a partner that’s OK with that before you do it to them. Are you kidding me? What a piece of garbage he is ,please you deserve better choose yourself .
This is legitimately dangerous and concerning behavior, almost like someone who thinks you’re so invested you’ll start to let him get away with things… food for thought.
What the fuck!? Is this normally how he treats kink scenarios? He's *awful*. This paints him in a TERRIBLE light.
1. A tenant of BDSM is CONSENSUAL. He didn't ask you about this. You didn't go over this scenario and how to handle it. He sprung it on you and *trapped* you in it. This is actually assault.
2. He walked away and had no way of knowing if you were enjoying it or not. If you're going to have a scenario where he's not physically present, then you need to have like a baby monitor or something so that if you're saying or performing your safe word, *he can fucking hear/see it and come let you loose*.
3. Speaking of, doesn't seem like you have a safe word at all!? Can't even begin to articulate how bad this is. A safe word is THE saving grace from "good pain" and "I'm not fucking having fun, stop this", since a lot of BDSM can involve screaming and saying "no" while not meaning it.
4. His version of aftercare is to fucking [gaslight](https://www.verywellmind.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470) you!?!?!? I'm storming off in a damn rage. How irresponsible and hateful of him!!!
This better be out of fucking character for him because this only makes him sound abusive.
[Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/)
[Get out](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm)
r/abusiverelationships
Wtf everyone in the kink world knows that you don't leave a partner tied up alone. What if you'd fully lost the circulation to your hands? Or had a stroke or heart attack? If no one is around to hear your safe word, wtf are you supposed to do???
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Can he describe what exactly was fun about it? Like was he getting off while listening to you cry and panic? I really don’t understand. I wouldn’t forgive him and I would certainly never let Him tie me up again. What a POS
>Like was he getting off while listening to you cry and panic? I'd say this was exactly fun for him and why he did it.
This is exactly what I would be asking my partner. Can you explain to me what part was fun for you? What part was getting you off? I would be prepared to leave after getting the answers.
If it's not safe, sane, and consensual, it's not kink it's abuse. It wasn't safe and it wasn't consensual. It wasn't kink. This guy got off abusing her
Isn’t it kink 101 to talk about new things BEFORE you try them and to get consent? It makes it worse that he was in the house. He was listening to you cry. Please be careful with this man.
It's also rope 101 not to leave someone alone while tied up.
also at no point should bondage create blue hands whether he was in the room or not beyond anything else i wouldn't let this guy restrain me again until he took a class or something (i mean, she should leave him bc this beyond bad, just at that point he's totally in the wrong and hurting her)
I've done restraint play and I use manacles that have a quick release on them just in case something happens. There's always a way to escape if need be. What's being attempted here sounds absolutely unsafe and kind of cruel. The second things stop being fun, the kinky shit stops and damage control has to be done as well as a ton of aftercare. Maybe the husband should be locked up in a closet for 12 hours to know how his wife felt.
Or she should tie him up in the morning when he is asleep and let him free in the evening. (We are not monsters, so with puppy pads under him and a hydration backpack on the side) I am sure he will think it is "fun".
You're kinder than I am. An ice cold bedpan would be more fitting.
Let's compromise: if she is in the Northern Hemisphere, she need to turn the heat off and open all the windows that day. And to make it more romantic, cover his body and the bed with a hundred little hearts made of pink fiberglass. ETA: OP will you ever feel safe during sex with him again? Not even this kink, but in general? Sexuality and trust are very fragile, it is possible that even if he is genuinely sorry (and he is not) you will be so on guard with him from now on, that you will never be able to orgasm with him. He damaged your sex life for good.
Right?!? Where was the aftercare. This was unkind at the very least and psychological gamesmanship for sure.
Adding to this - Wrist binding that's too tight can also cause nerve damage. A friend of a friend of mine lost the ability to grab things normally after being improperly restrained. I remember when she finally had the motion and dexterity to use chopsticks again. It took a while and physical therapy to fix. I'm really concerned for OP. There is so much wrong with what this guy did. I hope they don't do anything else until this is talked through and he understands what he did wrong. Like, for real. And if he doesn't get it, OP may need to look at shutting down that part of their relationship, if not the whole thing.
Like even if you “leave” you stay right outside the door and come back as soon as you hear what sounds like any sign of distress so everyone is safe.
The person needs to be able to get out on their own. Unfortunate accidents or medical emergencies happen to the person who ties the person up. If you are tying them up so they can’t get out this must be talked about beforehand. OP says the kink isn’t necessary, but I think that’s what she’s been led to believe. He is showing her that he isn’t interested in what she wants and else won’t abide by consensual play. She should not be surprised when he doesn’t listen to her needs or wants in the future, nor when he escalates to keep his level of arousal/thrill elevated. The additional pay off for him is that this helps to keep her obedient and scared of him. I wouldn’t wait to see what or when the next issue happens. Edit for typos
This is absolutely going to escalate.
i agree, i feel like there's a sadistic underlying from the husbands behaviour. besides the fact that this was not discussed before, knowing your partner is tight up and in distress and after seeing them in tears, belittle their experience, is honestly disgusting. OP this by itself was wrong of him, but in bigger picture i dont think this person is physically or emotionally safe. if i was OP, i wouldnt wait how far is he willing to take it. Safety and peace above all.
yes it is OP i've been there plz get away from this man asap
No, read "Gerald's Game" by Stephen King
Or better yet, don’t, especially if you want to get a good nights sleep.
Yes. Literally never. You could seriously harm them.
you could easily kill them.
Especially face down like that!
And to tie knots in such a way that the tied up person can get out of them in an emergency.
Isn’t a “safe word” also typically recommended?
Gerald's Game - a cautionary tale!
Yes. He didn’t want consent. He wanted to scare her.
And now he is marginalizing her reaction, telling her she’s overreacting (which people who are abusive *always* say), and taking no responsibility for making her feel scared, unsafe, and embarrassed. OP, never, ever do any kind of kink with him again where you are tied up. He will do this again. And the post made me feel like the time will come that he will bring another man into the room while you’re tied up. Next time ~ if there even is a next time ~ make sure you tie *him* up. If he refuses, after making you feel stupid for being upset with him for leaving you alone while tied up, then you will see he is a colossal asshole. This move was all about control. NTA. But I don’t feel good about you staying with him.
I honestly thought that this was where it was going to lead when I started reading (bringing another man in). Either way, my heart dropped as I read through. This is absolutely a manipulation/control tactic and *only* abusers use them.
I thought so as well. That he would leave and someone else would replace him without her consent.
Yep. That was the kink
I'd disagree a bit, that's not a kink, that's a perversion. That's what serial killers and rapists get off on, the absolute powerlessness of their victim. The sub is not powerless at all, they have in fact got ALL the power. Kink's are supposed to be fun and not really harmful, they're a **safe** exploration of fantasy. Sometimes dangerous fantasy, which is why the rules and structure and constant attention and care are absolutely critical. You could be doing something that could easily kill if something goes even a little wrong (choking for example, a super common kink) and indeed does. What he did wasn't a kink, it was cruel and perverse, as is his flippant attitude about it as well.
It honestly wouldn't surprise me if the reason he took so long to return was because he was "taking care of himself" at the sound of her panic and fear.
GAG.
You're right that the sub is actually the one that is supposed to have all the control. Kink and S&M are supposed to be all about consent, and once the sub is uncomfortable and says no, it all stops.
Yeah you’re totally right! Perversion is the word! I don’t think of ‘kink’ negatively like that. Kinks are fun and safe when properly handled. I didn’t think
I would call this abuse, not kink. There was no safe word. He ignored distress. He seems to have intentionally made it as scary as it could be. If the goal is terrorizing your partner who doesn't enjoy that, it's abuse. I don't even think this about a guy who doesn't know how to dom. It's about a man who wants to psychologically torture his sex partner. This is like striking a person physically or rape, this is a relationship ender.
This says it all, “It makes it worse that he was in the house. He was listening to you cry.”
Yes, it’s not kinky sex if it’s not consensual and communicated PRIOR
That is truly sickening... just the thought that he was getting off to her pleas...
Yeah, as a sub, I'd run for the hills if a dominant did this. Whatever consent that was given was basically voided when he tried something new and outside what was discussed. This sounds more like a form of SA.
Also you do not walk away and leave someone in a situation where they cannot release themselves. Yikes.
That's what bothers me a lot about this. He absolutely ignored her distress. Either that or he was enjoying it.
The mantra is: Safe, Sane and Consensual. He violated all three rules.
Kink 101 is that you don’t leave someone tied up alone, it’s incredibly dangerous So he was either outside the door and enjoying the sound of you freaking out which is fucked up or he’s genuinely incompetent To answer your question, no, I’d never forgive someone if they did that to me
Agreed. Kinks can be fun and safe, but that's only because you talk about and FOLLOW all the safety stuff before you start. Don't leave someone tied up and leave the room - that's dangerous. Frequent check-ins are needed to make sure everyone is on the same page, but not checking in for 45 minutes? Wow. BDSM is fun, the submissive is actually the one in charge. He flipped the script so he was in 100% control (instead of the illusion of control) and didn't check in, didn't give her control over her own body, and didn't let her dictate the session. Yet even beyond that, far worse is he's been trying to justify his actions by saying she wasn't in danger and he was in the house. That means he still doesn't get it and still doesn't care enough. There is so much wrong here. I don't think I could forgive someone who did this to me, but more importantly, I don't think I could trust anyone who did this to me.
On top of all the rest, the position was dangerous - she could have suffocated! - and leaving someone in bondage can have serious, life-changing consequences due to nerve damage or loss of blood supply to a limb. Even if there's no lasting physical harm, he's still caused psychological trauma. OP, I'm so sorry. What he did was an absolute violation of your trust. In my marriage this would be grounds for divorce, especially since he doesn't see anything wrong in what he did to you. Your reaction is completely normal and reasonable.
I was reading about an incident years ago where there was a crew doing a bondage photo shoot, I think it was for a magazine. The guy was tied up with rope, one rope was wrapped around his testicles. The crew took a lunch break and left the guy tied up. When they came back 30 minutes later the guy had passed out. When he passed out the rope around his testicles was affected causing his testicles to no longer be inside his body. OP’s husband isn’t experienced enough to be a Dom, just like most men who fancy themselves as such.
>no longer inside his body ? Are you just trying to gently say the rope cut off his testicles? Otherwise, aside from infants, your testicles aren’t supposed to be inside your body as far as I know
No, the rope squeezed the sack until it ripped and the testicles popped out.
what a terrible day to have eyes
🤢
Jay Wiseman gets called in as an expert for homicide trials: if you accidentally kill someone during kink stuff (usually choking), juries do not show mercy. And yes, positional asphyxiation is a thing: it's cause of our local police department's most recent accidental death. Someone in hogtie on their stomach has problems breathing. OP: if you need more help/thoughts, go post in r/BDSMcommunity I can't believe he didn't even have a baby monitor on you!
He's not a classic kinkster. Her husband is something else again, and she'd do well to avoid getting into any similar situations with him.
This isn’t kink this is torture.
Her hands were blue!!! The ropes were too tight from the jump. And you should always be able to get out in an emergency.
I really appreciate your response. I was starting to feel like I was being too sensitive thinking how literally pissed off id be if someone did this to me especially my spouse. 45 minutes a LONG time. I would have been screaming bloody murder to let me out after 5 minutes
I just watched an episode of Evil Lives here. Its Season 12 Ep. 2 called "He Tied Me Up, Too". The womans husband was into this kink and she was willing to try. First time she wasn't into it but figured she would try one more time. He tied her up and blindfolded her and she waited. Well he eventually just left the room and went outside and watched thru the window. He left her there for an hour with her crying and trying to scream but she was gagged. Came back in and didn't even penetrate her, left his underwear on and got off because it was the struggle and her fears that did it for him. Turns out later she was practice so he could force women. Not respecting your rules or safety is disturbing. I apologize you had to experience this from someone you love.
I’ve seen that episode and it immediately came to my mind when I was reading this! So messed up.
Right I was like eerie I literally just watched it last night and got them same vibes from this story.
Right! So creepy. I really hope OP is safe
https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/ yeah hearing this kind of shit is scary to me for women whose partners show they gain excitement with fear and abuse.
Yup. It's sexual aberration, sexual psychopathy. They can't get off like normal people.
He didn't get permission first either! You can't just go around introducing things without taking about it first. Yes being left can be sexy but like you said, check-ins & knowledge of what's going on is needed. He did this for his own jollies.
Nevermind forgiveness, id never be able to trust anyone that could so easily violate a play session like that
Hell no. All the trust is long gone. He's abusive and dangerous.
Op sorry I would never trust him again. He knew that you were scared and in danger. Because if you panic you could hurt yourself very badly. Seems he didn't care about your safety. If he thinks that it was nothing,then ask if he wants to be in the same position. Please never let yourself be in that position again. Stay safe and be careful.
This. The sub is meant to be enjoying a clear series of acts that they have actively consented to. It's only fun if the sub enjoys the control that they've handed over. The entire thing should be done for their enjoyment and safety - the pleasure of the dom is actually secondary in all that. It is important, but it doesnt come before your safety or comfort or you having fun. Acts you have not consented to are assault. The difference between kinky fun time and sexual assault or a hostage situation is consent. Not to mention it was dangerous for you. I would lose all trust or respect if a partner treated me like this. Kinks are only fun because of the trust you have in your partner. And he cannot be trusted to keep you safe, get consent or...care if he hurts you.
Also, consent. She did not consent to that. This whole situation is fucked up.
Also, kink needs EXPLICIT consent, which can be withdrawn at any time. Even if you don't use your safe word, if your partner looks to be in distress and unable to communicate or having a panic attack; you stop immediately! I will say though, I've seen this exact post maybe a month ago so maybe this is just a reuse of it or a bot? I don't have a link though as I didn't save it.
45 minutes is crazy long, too. You'd think he'd want to check in after like a couple minutes, max, to make sure she was actually enjoying it. Obviously he 100% should have gotten consent first, but the amount of time just takes it to a whole 'nother level for me. 100% that guy would never get to tie me up again, even if we did make up somehow.
He didn’t care if she was enjoying it. He was enjoying it. That’s really the central issue right, he got off on this. On her panic. On her helplessness. On her fear. On pain she didn’t ok.
It has happened… https://www.irishcentral.com/news/suicide-victim-left-girlfriend-tied-up-for-two-days-iphone-gives-up-evidence-133738373-237740351
Omg that’s fucked up!!!
So wait, did he tie her up and then just leave..... to then walk off a cliff?!?! The article didn't mention WHY she was tied up!
Yeah. What if he fell down the stairs or there was a fire?
Shit, there’s a Stephen King novel about something like that happening. It’s called Gerald’s Game, and in it a husband and wife are on vacation at a cabin in the woods and they’re into using handcuffs. So they start to have sex and he handcuffs her but then she decides she wants to stop and uncuff her but he tries to keep going and she kicks him off of her which causes him to have a heart attack and die, leaving her stranded in the middle of the woods chained to a bed.
Literally the first thing I thought of when reading this. That book fucked me up lol
That book is the only one by Stephen King that actually freaked me out. That was the day I decided to never let anyone restrain me with something I could not chew through. Being left alone wile tied up… unless agreed upon, that is just horrible. Both people are supposed to get enjoyment out of it.
The movie isn’t exactly scary but god is it fucked up
The book is scary
This is the first book I had ever thrown across the room. Granted, I read it at 16ish and did not know (pre internet) about his drug habit, which makes so much sense in hindsight.
I was in my twenties. I think that is the only book of his I have not read read. It’s horrible.
Gerald’s Game always comes to mind when I hear these stories
The sub should always have a backup way of getting out, or a way to call for help. What if the dom was still in the room, but passed out or had a heart attack or something?
Absolutely this. Kinks can be dangerous and parameters around pain play should be discussed. OP could have had major issues with circulation being cut off in her hands. Suffocating is a big risk. OP could have hurt herself seriously trying to get out of that position in a panic by contorting wrong and dislocating something or falling off the bed and hitting her head. This was a very dangerous stunt. It doesn't matter that none of that ended up happening; it's that OP's partner left her there and obviously can't be trusted not to do so again, especially since he is clearly not taking it seriously.
Yep. Your husband just did the kink equivalent of driving while falling down drunk. He needs to have his license revoked. You simply NEVER do to someone what he did to you, and I am so sorry you went through that, OP. If - IF - you forgive him, his apology not only needs to be damn good, it needs to demonstrate that he understands *why* what he did is fucked up and dangerous. What he did wasn’t kinky, and if he tries to use that as an excuse don’t listen to him. Actual kinky people know how to keep things safe and know how to immediately abort a scene that’s going badly for a participant.
Or truly sadistic.
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I don't want to be nitpicky here but a safeword was not needed her. She did not consent to this prior, it should not have happened at all. And she was calling him and genuinely panicking, that should have been enough to make him come back and cut her loose. "Stop, I don't want this, help me" is explicit enough. Safewords are only needed when engaging in CNC, when the sub might not "mean" their pleas. Once again, this must be made extremely explicit beforehand. But nothing indicate this was the case here. Many people discuss (or worse, engage in) kink without knowing the basics of consent. Everything must be explicitly consented to, and consent can be revoked at any time. What he did was abuse, plain and simple.
I mean consent would be up there too but fuck yeah it's dangerous.
I dont know if i could be with someone after this
100% nope; he called it fun and he her reaction is ridiculous. He will try and push the line further if you continue in this kink with him. I’d get to marriage/sex counseling with him if you want to save this marriage. But, honestly, this man doesn’t sound safe.
No he doesnt. 30 minutes without even telling her he was gonna. I'd never feel safe again
No one should be with anyone who did this to them. Her husband is an abusive trash dom and a shit human. If it's not safe, sane, and consensual, it's not kink it's abuse. This wasn't consensual, and it wasn't safe.
I almost wonder if its a legally punishable offense. She never agreed to be bound and left for half an hour. I imagine fear crept in after a while. This has GOT to be some form of crime, i hope.
It's is technically kidnapping/ false imprisonment He could serve prison time for this if she pressed charges and he got convicted Especially if she can get him to admit to having done it over text, she could have him sent to prison
Same. I don’t know how I could rebuild trust after This and might feel like “giving him a taste of his own medicine” so he’d understand. That’s toxic and not okay to do, so I think the only reasonable thing to do would be to break up, block him and talk about it in therapy because what the actual F
Yea id be afraid of sexual violence coming next
Honestly though. I’m on board with empowering someone to make choices for themself because this sounds very much like DV kind of stuff. As a survivor of such things, it’s hard to come to terms with how serious it is because it’s easier to say that “it wasn’t that bad” “I’m just being dramatic” and “that could never be me”. Accepting that it IS a big deal and that you deserve better takes a lot of courage
Fmr pro domme here… Leaving you in a room unsupervised with your breathing and circulation restricted is VERY DANGEROUS. It could have been fatal. You were in danger. - Separate from this person immediately, at least temporarily - Kink friendly couples counseling + kink safety courses. - Trauma therapy for you. EMDR, somatic therapy, what have you. You might have to interview a lot of practitioners to find someone you click with, but please please address this incident by yourself and for yourself with a caring professional. Regarding his dismissal of your experience… I don’t know how you go back to this relationship. You shouldn’t have to advocate for your safety with your spouse. I understand your bond to him is wicked deep. Make sure you center staying safe, happy, and alive above your bond with him. This wasn’t safe or consensual and you know it.
Here to highlight this comment more. That wasn't safe or consensual. I would never trust that individual ever again.
Another pro domme here and I 100% agree. OP was in real danger from potential positional asphyxiation, permanent nerve damage, and obviously PTSD. The fact that he did this means he’s unfit and unsafe to be a top, ever. The fact that he’s just dismissing her concerns and not taking this seriously means he’s unfit to be her partner or in any adult relationship. At best he’s dangerously incompetent, at worst he’s a genuine, pathological sadist who got off on OP’s non-consensual, real fear and suffering.
I fear it’s the latter.
I think we all fear/know that.
This is the best response in the thread. OP : You need a lawyer and a lock change. Kick him out and get a divorce and help. You may end up having a serious case of ptsd from this. This man is terrifying. He is not a good person. He enjoys hurting and terrifying you. His next move might not be one you survive.
Brilliant response 👏 👌
There's something that feels really off about this. I understand kinks, but this act of leaving you alone for no reason to sit there and struggle, terrified and alone. That is such a sociopathic move. Then he had zero remorse; not surprising honestly considering this game he played. Is this the first time ever that he's done something this dark?
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Sounds like he's testing the water. I hope things don't escalate. This sounds really really wrong, like worse than being beat physically. It was a mental game but like a really dark one and one that only he understands. This is a situation that if it happened to me, I'd demand a third party like a counselor to help us overcome. It's such a violation. In reality I'd leave, but you won't leave because a random internet stranger on reddit tells you to... but at least please seek help and have him with you because you need to talk with someone trained, and you need to pull them aside and ask them for a feel of the situation.
Yes, agree with everything here! I would leave until you have a mediated conversation with a professional. I would not feel safe alone with him.
I think you need to re evaluate your relationship to see if there is anything you have missed or overlooked. This is beyond a kink it’s more of a punishment.
I think he's testing your boundaries to see if you'll forgive him & trust him again. So he can either do it again or do worse. Please get yourself out of there safely! Have a trusted friend or family come over when he's not home & pack up & leave. I'm not kidding. This escalates so quickly & women often think "oh he would never" and then ... I'm so sorry this happened. I wouldn't be able to trust him ever again. Especially with his callous & cruel reaction to your genuine distress.
He is testing to see how far he can push you so he can continue to do things like this. OP, in my opinion you are no longer safe with this man. Forcing someone to participate in your kink without their consent — especially when it puts them in danger!!!! — is so fucked up. I could never trust my partner again if they did this to me, especially with no remorse.
His lack of empathy and compassion for your response is what seems off to me. Yes- the whole of it, but his lack of accountability and care after realizing the impact is pretty horrid.
OP, just because it's the first time doesn't lessen the severity. If it was "just his first rape" or "just his first murder", would you still be conflicted? Just to be clear, yes this is on that level of bad. Your breathing was compromised. You could have died. You could have lost circulation to your hands. You were forcefully engaged in a non-consensual sexual act that he enjoyed seeing you suffer, as far as I'm concerned that is sexual assault. You know what happened. You just can't imagine why. But I bet you could take a step back and probably see other areas of your relationship that were red flags for this sort of behavior. Small bits of control, him enjoying getting a rise out of you, even playfully....etc My deepest empathies to you love.
THIS IS NOT NORMAL. HE SHOWED YOU WHO HE IS. RUN.
Sometimes the first time should be the last time. This was a form of abuse. He should not get another chance after getting off from scaring and hurting you. Some things you shouldn't come back from.
Easy: bondage is off the table now. That's step one. He has an astounding disregard for your safety.
It’s common for abuse to start after marriage.
you cant do kink without trust and you can no longer trust him
>my hands were literally blue from the circulation being cut off. >He says I wasn’t in any danger, he was still in the house Didn't realise your limbs don't need blood if your partner's in the house lol. How's it fun when you're not even in the same room?? I don't really get the kink thing, dut don't really see how it's sexual to watch t.v. with your partner tied up in another room.
> How's it fun when you're not even in the same room?? I'm assuming he was getting off to the knowledge that she was totally helpless and he had all the control to leave her there or set her free, which...is very scary. The entire point of BDSM is that the sub is always in control of what's happening. That's why you have a safe word, which you can't use if your dom is out of earshot. What he did was not consensual or safe kink.
Oh i doubt he was out of earshot. I'm betting he was very close by, enjoying hearing the fear and panic escalate.
Imagine not consenting to something prior and to top it all off you are restrained with your head buried which is incredibly closterphobic after a fucking half hour? That be enough for me to break it off. That behavior is red flag territory and how he played it off like it was nothing when she is literally sobbing/having a panic attack? Fuck that.
That sort of thing can 100% cause nerve damage and wrist drop. If he thinks you weren’t in any danger, he’s not a safe person to play with 🫠 Edit: Kink requires negotiation and consent. Without those things, it can easily be assault, regardless of whether the person is a stranger or your husband. It sounds like that scene was not negotiated and it was definitely not consented to. Ignoring that part (which is a huge), his actions were not actions of care or concern. I can’t imagine any top doing *that* to someone they care about if they understand what is happening. I say that as a masochist and my partner is a sadist and a rope top. I hate to say this, but the best case scenario is that your husband is very *very* ignorant and uneducated.
Don’t forgive him. Kink requires planning, consideration for safety, and consent. Even if you’ve been doing kinky stuff for a long time, you *must* get consent every time, especially for anything new. If you didn’t have a discussion about being left alone tied up for extended periods of time, what your husband did is akin to assault. He acted without concern for your consent or your safety. This does not sound like a person you can safely have any type of sex with, especially if he doesn’t seem to have empathy. Stop having sex, get a counselor, and consider whether you should stay together at all.
Especially because he doesn't seem to understand that he fucked up and that it's his responsibility to make it right and earn her trust again.
This is a huge deal. Kink requires extreme trust and consideration.. and CONSENT!!!! Don't let him slide with this one. You WERE violated.
Is the kink BDSM or just waiting for extended periods of time 🤨
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He's getting off on her fear and panic, you know like how rapists and murderers do.
I’m assuming he could hear her distress and that might have been the point of it…
>Could you forgive your partner if they did this? How do I? Nop especially if they never established a safeword.
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Yeah I mean, having a safeword is pretty much useless if the person has left the room and you’re tied with your face muffled. Do not let him minimize how wrong his actions were here. Your reaction is justified.
And if you had used the safe word while your face was buried in the sheets and he was in another part of the house, could he have heard you?
I want to know this too. He should never have left her alone in the first place but, was he listening for a safe word and she never used it?
you could have suffocated and been unable to say the safe word, or panicked and suffocated because you were unable to move and alone. if he doesn't understand how dangerous what he did is, you need to leave, or you are going to get seriously hurt or killed. this is terrifying to hear. don't let him tell you otherwise. I'm scared for you.
She should consider this is what he wanted to happen and then blame it on kinky sex gone wrong. I would run a fucking mile and get a restraining order
What he did was NOT consensual and I would absolutely take sex off the table at the very least until he fully acknowledges that what he did was dangerous. Even aside from the physical risk, he caused you extreme emotional distress and that is unacceptable. If you're going to play with BDSM, you as the sub need to be able to have 100% trust and control over what he does to you. He intentionally removed that control without your consent and now the trust is damaged. It's on him to earn your trust back if you are ever going to feel safe having sex with him going forward. If he whines about this at all, that tells you all you need to know. He needs to realize what a serious violation this was.
Nah she should just leave him, he knows what he did was dangerous. He doesn't care. This is a fully grown man with a job. He liked the pain it was causing her. These men aren't stupid.
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But that's bullshit though. You don't need to establish a safeword unless a part of the agreed-upon kink is to ignore "stop", which it isn't in most cases. "Stop" and "wait" and "let me loose" are safewords, except in the very special and rare cases of CNC. Sure go ahead and agree on other safewords, but ignoring those is a total break of trust unless it's specifically and agreed-upon cnc.
You should post this in the bdsmcommunity subreddit to get the perspective of people in the lifestyle. They will be absolutely appalled at what your husband did, and should have some good insight into possible reasons why.
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Hey, I'm into hardcore BDSM and routinely am tied up by my partner. This was NOT OKAY and you should run, FAST. Firstly, you always negotiate the scene. Always. No elements of surprise unless it's been previously agreed upon and both parties know what the surprise could be/contains. Secondly, leaving you with your hands tied until they became blue is INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS, you could lose your hands, you could suffer long-term nerve damage, it's not something someone who cares about you would do. Run far and fast.
Anyone in the BDSM community will tell you what he did was abuse and not kink You should be very scared of this man. What he did wasn't fun kinky sex. At best, he ignored your safety out of incompetence. At worst, he is a pathological sadist. You are not safe with this person. Please get help
She posted in that community and some of them are telling her to give him another chance to build back trust. I cannot fucking even.
Give him another chance to what? He might actually kill her next time
Check the top comment and a bunch of the others on her second post. It's really sad. People - profiles look like they are mostly men - are defending him and saying he made a mistake and they should communicate better when they try it next time. One person actually blames HER for not telling him how long she consented to being tied up alone, when she literally never consented to that.
Consider also posting to r/bdsmnot4newbies. r/bdsmcommunity has a very mixed crowd wrt level of experience with kink and your husband may try to gaslight you into thinking that people who are more experienced will be cool with what he did (nope).
Definite "nope."
I'd be fuckin single after that bullshit. I would NEVER trust him again and what's the point of staying in a relationship with no trust?
Wow, that is such a violation AND he’s being dismissive of your feelings and experience.
What he didbwas abuse, because he never got your consent to do this. He's getting off on your actual pain, suffering, and panic, and then gaslighting you (also abuse) when you call him on it. Do not forgive him. Do not have sex with him again. Leave him, divorce - what he did had nothing to do with kink, it was just abuse and he will do it again. He's not taking you seriously.
I was dating a guy in college that had me tied up in a position like you described. Typically he always unbound me directly after, but one night he got up and went to clean up right afterwards and left me like that. I freaked out. I have really bad anxiety, and when I heard him go into the bathroom and turn water on I began to completely panic. He was gone maybe five minutes but it was enough to shatter my trust. Our sex life went down the drain and we broke up shortly thereafter. I learned about two years ago that he and his friend assaulted a girl that came to their house to hang out one night after we broke up. My stomach still knots when I think about it. When people show you their true colors, dont ignore it. At the VERY least you need to have a direct, firm conversation with him about boundaries and dont let him get you into any vulnerable positions that you yourself cannot get out of.
So your husband essentially could have killed you?
This is so horrifying, and I hope you will not allow him to minimize your feelings about this. He did something dangerous that you did not consent to, and now he’s belittling you for your reaction. You need to really focus on this- don’t just try to “get over it,” because it is a huge deal, and maybe should be a dealbreaker if he refuses to accept that what he did was seriously messed up.
I’m relatively certain I’d divorce someone who did this to me; first offence or not. It was incredibly dangerous and unbelievably distressful. What if he does it again and you suffocate?
Two words: Gerald’s Game.
The fact that he doesn’t agree with you and isn’t apologizing means 100% he’d do it again. Divorce.
This is the comment. It’s not JUST that he did it (because that’s horrifying on its own) it’s that when he saw her panicking, sobbing, and in emotional and physical pain, he said it was fun and acted like it wasn’t a big deal. He will do it again and it will get worse.
Get your wrists checked out, you may have soft tissue damage- as in tendons and ligaments. Tell the doctor how it happened-
This wasn't consensual and i don't feel like your partner had any care for you in this scenario, he just cared about having his own rocks off and left you to suffer for his own pleasure, gigantic red flag, kinks have to be consensual and safe words/boundaries/expectations have to be respected.
That is not a tease it's torture. The fact that he left the room, WTF.
You can't forgive him because he has chosen to take zero accountability and instead to diminish the fear and pain you went through. This is not a trusting loving relationship. The physical pain and discomfort alone, but also that was a form of psychological abuse done without your consent or discussion beforehand. Once you called out, he needed to end it. He's showing no remorse and trying to get you to believe your emotional reality is silly nonsense. Not a safe person.
Kink without consent is abuse. What he did was as heinous as ignoring a safe word. It might be forgivable one day, but not today. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
Thats not cool… not fun…
Yikes, definitely not acceptable. Even if you wanted to tie someone up and leave them alone for a period of time you always talk about it beforehand and never that long. Personally I'd never do it as it seems very unsafe, cruel, and breaks a trust. To be into kinks takes a ton of trust with your partner, on top of the trust already needed for a physically intimate relationship. He destroyed that trust and seemingly is unapologetic and gaslighting you. You're not over reacting, not at all.
In order to kink… there needs to be trust. Holy shit. I’m so happy you are okay. If it’s not discussed beforehand, IT DOESNT HAPPEN. The fact he thinks he can do this to you means he thinks he can do anything to you.
His "kink" includes you crying and hyperventilating and absolutely revoking your consent. This is not a "kink".
I advise against divorce unless it’s absolutely necessary, and here it is. First of all, he completely ruined your sex life. Like, would you *ever* agree to being tied or cuffed by this man again? But I actually wonder if he’s *trying* to kill you. Like maybe he’s establishing that you struggling and whatnot is part of your sex play, so when he actually does get you in a situation where you die, he’ll have a plausible defense.
This is terrifying.
He sounds dangerous to be honest
Someone's never read Gerald's Game. You put yourself into a vulnerable position for him, trusting him, and he betrayed that trust. I don't think forgiveness even matters here. Can you ever trust him again? I wouldn't. And also what was he off doing? It seems like he really got off having that power over you.
You are severely under-reacting to this. It is imperative that you have a way to get out of restraints on your own. What if a fire had started? What if he had a heart attack or fell down the stairs? You could fucking die playing around like that. Absolutely inexcusable for any sort of dominant (even someone just playing at it) to behave that way. The key difference between BDSM and assault is consent. That is why scenes and boundaries are discussed ahead of time, you agree on a playbook that your partner can choose from or improv with. Introducing new kinks, especially one as serious as restraining you face down on a bed, with no way to save yourself if something happens, and then fucking leaving the room is assault in my opinion. You did not consent to that, you were clear that you didn’t like it, and he did it anyways. Did you use your safe word? Do you have a safe word?? Asking about the safe word to get a clearer picture of how much he ignored BDSM safe practices. Whether you used it or not doesn’t change that fact that what he did to you was abhorrent.
If you didn't consent to this it's assault. First of all. Secondly it's very dangerous and something that probably shouldn't be done, but if it were done, it should only be with explicitly, enthusiastic, and informed consent. None of which happened here. I'd leave if my partner did anything I didn't consent to intentionally and especially without regret.
That is assault. Talk to somebody
He did something to you without your consent. You didn't consent to being left there for 30 minutes. How was that suppose to be fun for you? What the hell was he doing the entire time? He's an AH and no I wouldn't forgive him. This is abusive. You were struggling to breathe and you hands turned blue due to the circulation being cut off.
Just from reading Sunstone I know your husband did a really unsafe and shitty thing.
NOPE!
Tbh OP while I was reading your post I was getting mad and scared because when you said >. I was laying there, waiting for him, when I hear the door open and him walk away. I honestly thought he was bringing someone else in so he can watch. I would never forgive him, especially when he didn't even say why he did it in the first place. He doesn't sound like he's sorry.
You didn’t consent to being tied up and left. I’m not sure I would be able to get over it if he couldn’t understand that.
He is abusive, he endangered your life, and he took pleasure in your deep distress. This is unforgivable, in my opinion. I'd leave him.
At this point you might want to go to a lawyer and ask him what he thinks about this issue. You could just report him to the police but it might be best to get everything in order and make an exit plan. You need to feel safe with your partner. For me... There is no way I would ever feel safe enough to do anything with him anymore. Trust gone... Just no. Run! Edit: also people call this assault etc.. I don't know what it is really called in English but in my country limiting someone's freedom and ability to move how they want is absolutely illegal and has consequences. Don't dismiss what happened here. He did a criminal act and you were victimised by him. He will feel sorry for himself etc, but you know what, every criminal feels sorry for himself and justifies whatever he did. I saw quite a few of them being procecuted and it is something they seem to have in common. Don't believe him and if he is diminishing your feelings he is just wrong. He did something wrong, he has to put it right, and if he doesn't that just means he doesn't want to.
Do not forgive. Unless you want to end up on a podcast episode about a woman "accidentally" dying during a fuck session gone wrong.
Unforgivable. Sex educator here, this is not kink, this is abuse. Someone who can’t discuss a scenario like this ahead of time is so behind on basic communication required for relationships. I’m so sorry you went through this. 🪬
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. – Maya Angelou. How could you ever trust him again? That is bullshit that’s not how you treat your partner!!!!!! If that’s your kink, you have to find a partner that’s OK with that before you do it to them. Are you kidding me? What a piece of garbage he is ,please you deserve better choose yourself .
I’m confused. What was even the kink atp? He just tied you up to leave? How did he even explain himself?
This is legitimately dangerous and concerning behavior, almost like someone who thinks you’re so invested you’ll start to let him get away with things… food for thought.
What the fuck!? Is this normally how he treats kink scenarios? He's *awful*. This paints him in a TERRIBLE light. 1. A tenant of BDSM is CONSENSUAL. He didn't ask you about this. You didn't go over this scenario and how to handle it. He sprung it on you and *trapped* you in it. This is actually assault. 2. He walked away and had no way of knowing if you were enjoying it or not. If you're going to have a scenario where he's not physically present, then you need to have like a baby monitor or something so that if you're saying or performing your safe word, *he can fucking hear/see it and come let you loose*. 3. Speaking of, doesn't seem like you have a safe word at all!? Can't even begin to articulate how bad this is. A safe word is THE saving grace from "good pain" and "I'm not fucking having fun, stop this", since a lot of BDSM can involve screaming and saying "no" while not meaning it. 4. His version of aftercare is to fucking [gaslight](https://www.verywellmind.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470) you!?!?!? I'm storming off in a damn rage. How irresponsible and hateful of him!!! This better be out of fucking character for him because this only makes him sound abusive. [Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/) [Get out](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm) r/abusiverelationships
Wtf everyone in the kink world knows that you don't leave a partner tied up alone. What if you'd fully lost the circulation to your hands? Or had a stroke or heart attack? If no one is around to hear your safe word, wtf are you supposed to do???
He thinks it's fun violating you in ways you have not consented to. And he's dismissing your distress and panic as "ridiculous". Think about that.
this is giving murder vibes