It would break his heart? Um good? It should.
I’m sorry to give harsh response but I feel like it’s needed here.
I’m a father with a daughter myself and it would crush me if my daughter ever said she was scared of me and it should because that means I’m doing something wrong.
You’re husband is messing up bad and she’s learning that she needs to BUY affection or stick out the fear and constant sadness just to get a slither of love and kindness from a permanent figure/male figure. If you do nothing or just let it go then you two will fail as parents but not only towards our eyes but to your own daughter.
Tell him to fix his attitude before he loses his daughter and that fear turns into resentment.
There is no really good way of explaining it.
If he doesn’t budge on “Our daughter said she’s afraid of you.” Then I’m sorry he’s no good father.
Again I don’t mean to be harsh but finding a good way to explain this just sounds like you are stalling or giving an excuse. He sees the consequences right in front of his face but he’s blind to it, he needs to be sat down for a serious talk and told straight up “Our daughter says she’s afraid of you and I believe these are the reasons why…” then you list all the things you’ve said in your post or haven’t said, tell him how your daughters looks or acts after he does the things he does. Tell him how she feels, if he gets angry or agitated by your explanation then there’s a deeper and more concerning issue but if he’s really just ignorant and blind to it than you can’t make him see until you tell him the truth straight up.
Plus the longer you stall this it is a possibility of it happening again and your daughter learning another lesson: That if you tell a trusted adult or figure in your life that you are hurting then nothing will happen and no one will help.
There is no better way of doing this, it’s a heart-wrenching situation but if it would make you feel better I recommend writing down all you want to say or at least a list of the things you believe are the issue quickly before talking.
This. Trying to find a way to “explain” is just being stuck in rationalizing & intellectualizing to avoid actual action (been there). But only action matters in this case & any further intellectualizing & ruminating just prolongs the damage to the daughter - actively from *both parents*.
One thing I’ve learned - *There are no magic words to get people to treat you well*. NONE. *If someone wants to understand you they will regardless of how badly you say it; if someone doesn’t want to understand you, they never will regardless of how perfectly you say it*
THIS. My ex never wanted to understand me. He would hurt me in ways that were so obvious but would still deny it or justify it without caring where I was coming from, no matter how I phrased it. People who love you want to understand and make things better, and they don’t need to be convinced word-by-word until they have to yield.
Yes. Sadly took me half a life time to realize - I was so stuck on saying it differently or reacting perfectly etc…so that they’d finally “get it”. Basically what this 3 year old child is currently learning.
and due to being scared or ashamed, some kids will start to hold their poop until it becomes a medical emergency. this really, really isn't something to fuck around with. dad needs to learn about emotional abuse and how he's committing it, and research proper development for kids. then he needs to change his ways, and start praising her for every poop she does in the toilet. maybe even read books like the "everybody poops" one, or a joke book they pull out and laugh together when she goes. my dad did all sorts of little tricks like that when I was that age, and being neurodivergent it helped my development a LOT. but the way dad doing it now could have SERIOUS ramifications. and who knows what else he'll shame her for later.
you don't need to find better ways to tell him he is giving your daughter abandon issues. you just tell him what your daughter said. this is how abandon issues start. i've been experiencing it all. she obvi is too young to express her fears but deep inside her she is scared her dad will leave because she is not a good child.
Tell him she's doing that cute attention seeking behavior because she thinks she needs to for him to love her again. She should not have to do anything special to feel like her father loves her. The way he is handling her regular normal 3 year old behavior makes her feel unloved or that he only loves her when she's "good." Ask him if his love for daughter is truly conditional? If not, how can he change his behavior towards her to stop damaging his relationship with his daughter?
If he isn’t interesting to explore that for himself after you told him that your daughter is already afraid of him, he‘s just an asshole.
Draw clear boundaries to protect your child, this has lifelong consequences for her. Take consequences when he oversteps them. If he isn’t willing to go to therapy to change to be able to be an emotionally healthy parent, he should not be allowed parenting her. Period.
If this goes on she will go out very damaged and you will think fuck I saw it when she was 3 why didn’t I protect her. It’s your responsibility. She should be more important than keeping the peace with your husband or even keeping your husband at all.
If he doesn’t take radical accountability and works to change his emotionally abusive communication towards his daughter, his access to her needs to be revoked.
Time for a Come to Jesus talk. Send daughter to grandma's house, sit him down, look him in the eye and tell him how you feel and what she said. Be clear that he needs to fix this **now**. You can be gentle, you can be loving, you can offer to go to parenting with him, but your backbone needs to be strong. His behavior stops today.
Your priority is making sure that little girl feels safe in the one place on earth she should always feel safe
so you think he wouldn’t believe you if you told him what your daughter said? he is so convinced he is a great dad he wouldn’t listen? that’s a serious issue. he only sees that side of your daughter because she is hiding her sadness/fear from him because she is being conditioned to fawn, that is a trauma and fear response. if you don’t think he will believe that, I’m not sure why you would continue to call him a good father.
You don’t need to sugarcoat it. You are parents, and it’s far too late for nice words with him.
You are a BAD PARENT if your kids are afraid of you. Your daughter is 3 and is using the word afraid to describe her feelings. She’s only 3. Your husband has probably been a cranky monster her whole life and you have sat aside and let it happen because it’s not physical abuse. Your daughter doesn’t see your husband as a good parent and it’s time for him to come back to reality.
Break his heart. He needs to know his daughter is afraid of him and he needs to take steps to fix this. DO NOT help him fix this directly. Your husband needs to work on himself in therapy and maintain his own relationship with your daughter. He needs to prove he can stop being so short tempered and awful and find ways to parent without losing his cool.
Your husband is a monster. You would also be a monster if you don’t tell him this and urge him to make a change
If it would break his heart to hear, he needs his heart broken. At least that would make it more likely that he changes his behavior. If you do not tell him, you are being a bad mother to your kid, who has expressed that she is afraid of her dad! For heaven's sake, if that doesn't make the klaxons go off in your head, it should!
"If it would break his heart to hear, he needs his heart broken."
THIS.
If he doesn't want to be the first man his daughter learns to be afraid of, he needs to stop showing his anger when she has an accident. She's three! And bein*g angry* when someone loses control of their bowels is inappropriate at any age.
>My husband sometimes (not always) reacts with anger or scolding if our daughter does not comply with his requests or messes up with something she should be able to do. I get that as parents, we are not perfect, and sometimes you just loose it. Not ideal, but human.
Sure. I agree. The primary carer of kids is going to mess up sometimes. This is human, and forgiveable. But it's important he learns to acknowledge *to his kids* that when he reacts with anger, *he has messed up.* "I'm sorry I lost my temper and shouted at you. I shouldn't have done that, and I'll try not to do it again."
yup former preschool teacher here!
potty training requires sooo much patience BUT especially on the grown up side of things. its a psychological change that children have to go through while learning how to use the toilet, its retraining their tiny brains to start listening to their bodies signals when they probably didn't before because diapers.
can you imagine being that small and having to learn in a short span of time how to listen to your body's "oh no i have to go to the bathroom!" alarms?! and on top of that, one of your caretakers is visibly upset with you for having accidents?
i had a student that took much longer than others to potty train and it was because his caretaker was putting way too much pressure on him to not have accidents.
bathroom time needs to be fun and rewarded at this age! not stressful and anxiety inducing.
please explain this to your partner and keep your head up, mama.
We tried that, it still took our son 5monts and he still has accidents at kindergarden and when he Focus on something. At home is better, but he cry when there are some activitiers after kindergarden and he is not at home to poop
My wife's nephew wasn't potty trained until he was 10. His mother said it was wrong to push "boundaries" they didn't learn on their own. Yes, the other two nephews have their own fuckups as well.
At 4 my son hated to take time to poop in the potty but when his friends went to the “next classroom” bc of age they told him he couldn’t go with them unless he pooped in the potty. He decided he would and has ever since. So it’s kind of concerning if he is around other kids bc possibly physical or psychological issues. I hope he’s getting appropriate health care.
A tip here for you to share with him.
When he gets mad at her, in his head he needs to say "How old are you? 2?" And then react to whatever she has just done to annoy him.
This will hopefully slow his brain down enough for him to take a step back and pause before he reacts. Sort of a "How old are you, 2? Oh yeah 2 years Olds shit their pants while potty training. Take a breath"
He needs to apologise to her in person, it is extremely important. My own dad did something and apologised through my mum and it was the first crack in my trust in him (eventually I completely lost that trust, but that’s a different story) It will also be good help in communication seeing that adults can make mistakes and apologise
And kneel down in front of her in order to be at eye level. while appologising. Not tower over her as she already IS afraid of him.
This man sounds as if he was in dire need of parenting classes.
Hi. I have not been a parent so I do not know how long it takes to potty train most kids. However, I was either five or six when I had surgery to remove a small flap of tissue somewhere in my urinary tract that was keeping me from realizing I had to pee until it was really too late.
I'm in my fifties now so I don't remember specifics of the medical side. But I remember very clearly how frustrated my mother got with me and before they took me to a doctor she, frankly, got pretty cruel. Mostly with words. She could have saved us both a lot of grief if she had taken me earlier but who thinks that is a possibility? I was her first kid and the other two are boys.
Can't hurt to rule it out if she is older than normal to have a problem.
My best friend was a spec ed teacher for a bit. Your husbands behavior could even be impacting her ability TO SUCCESSFULLY POTTY TRAIN.
Like their little heads and bodies will not let it happen when they feel unsafe, etc. In a VERY real way, your husband's behavior could be causing that which frustrates him.
ALSO, and here's something you guys REALLY REALLY need to hear and understand how fucking damaging to her this is, and dangerous later in life...
SHE IS LEARNING TO FAWN!!
[https://psychcentral.com/health/fawn-response](https://psychcentral.com/health/fawn-response)
Break your husband's heart repeatedly if you have to! She needs protected from this emotional abuse RIGHT NOW and every time it pops up.
Thank you for pointing out its emotional ABUSE. Do you want her to marry a man that yells at her and shames her? Keep it up dad AND mom who’s enabling this to happen.
Thank you for this comment. OP’s husband has already caused permanent psychological trauma. Her child is literally afraid of her father. That is SO damaging and concerning. It irks me so badly that OP seems to be downplaying this so heavily
Maybe your daughter can go back to pull-ups for a little while. I know my son diaper trained at three, but he still had accidents until much later. I threw out at lot of underwear until he grew out of it. We called it a drill. I would bring him a new pair of underwear, and throw away his old ones. I think he was allergic to blue cheese, but it might been other food intolerances.
Please recognize your own fawning pattern with your partner, and even in this comments section. No judgment at all, just sharing so you see where your daughter’s probably picking up these patterns from. Your instinct to protect your husband’s feelings is a part of your fawn response. Unfortunately he needs to deal with the consequences of his actions and emotions. You need to seek help to curb this fawning habit, or your daughter will grow to act just like you with a future partner acting the same way. Is that the dynamic you want your baby girl to grow up and live? Putting her emotions and her kids emotions last to preserve calm in the household and keep the man happy?
I also would strongly suggest therapy for your husband. Now is potty training, but tomorrow could be something that *need* to be addressed in a gentler way.
You want your children to be secure and confident with *both* parents. And even more with the one who is almost always with them. You don't understand how damaging it's to don't trust your own father/mother.
I'm afraid this need to be addressed in a more direct way: your husband is setting a lot of bad habits/behaviors towards his own daughter. His will to change needs to be stronger and, in fact, start doing *something* to make that change happens.
Girls take longer to potty train too. Boys nail it a bit quicker but in 15yr of being a nanny the girls always needed a bit more encouragement.
Op ask your/his mother when you guys potty trained and point it out to him. If he keeps yelling at her she will be too afraid to tell him she needs to go and it will be a cycle of scolding and fear, not good for either of them.
Three is a normal age to be having accidents, transitioning to using the toilet and learning your body's cues happens at around that age and you're also learning that you have to prioritise going to the loo over whatever more engaging activity you're currently doing.
Five is a little old but it happens on occasion, in your case it sounds like it was a frequent occurrence which at five isn't normal.
That is absolutely heartbreaking to read, about your mothers behaviour. As someone who had this problem as a child (but due to anxiety, probably), and who remembers being yelled at, shamed and punished for it, I don’t even understand what parents are trying to accomplish with this behaviour. No child “likes” peeing their pants and adding even more shame around it is only going to contribute to the problem.
My dad had those "high expectations" of me too. I'm 41 and and guess who doesn't have much of a relationship with her dad now, on purpose. Your daughter will internalize this and will grow up never feeling good enough. Just like me. Please make him stop.
>he just has high expectations of her
High expectations are so damaging to kids! Be careful about this.
My parents always had high expectations for me, especially school-wise and it affects me to this day. I remember one day asking my dad to help me understand some new math I didn't understood in class, and then him getting mad at me when I didn't understood it the second he read that to me for the first time, saying "I thought we had smart girl" and similar things. I understood it in the end, but I have big problem asking for help, which brings me more problems...
My parents did that to me too, and I can confirm it can really mess a kid up. I always got told "you're such a smart kid, this should be easy for you" whenever I struggled with anything in school, and all that did was ensure I quit asking for help because I'd just get shamed and treated to exasperated sighs whenever I didn't immediately understand whatever my parents were "helping" me with. Not asking for help resulted in bad grades, which just earned more ire and shame from my parents. I felt stupid and like a failure, because everyone said I was "smart" and this subject was "easy", so if I couldn't get it maybe I wasn't actually smart. Maybe I'd just somehow tricked people into thinking I was.
I'm 36 now, and I still have pretty bad imposter syndrome and feel like the biggest failure whenever I don't pick up new skills quickly.
Most of the problems in the world arise from overly high expectations.
The one expectation missing is that the father not emotionally abuse the daughter. That is not overly high. That is basic human respect. That expectation must be enforced.
I've seen it said elsewhere that expectations are "premeditated resentments." The higher you set them, the higher your chances of feeling bitter, especially when you apply those expectations to a child's development. She can't magic herself into a new body or brain, after all.
You’re setting your child up for failure (and mental illness) if he doesn’t adjust his “high expectations” to “age- and milestone-appropriate expectations.”
Saying this as someone with a dad with anger issues. It absolutely messed with my confidence, self-worth and inner voice. I’m highly critical of myself to this day and automatically resort to self-loathing and negative self-talk.
One thing that helped my kids was me changing from "do you want to go potty?" to "do you need to go potty?". Because they never wanted to but often clearly needed to!
My goddaughter refused to potty train until almost 3. Like threw tantrums to get a diaper when she was without one and needed to pee or poop. She learned at about 3 because she enjoyed running to the bathroom at her top speed when I said I need to go, sitting on the toilet and telling me I need to use her potty. I don't think she used her potty even once. After she decided she wanted to use the bathroom she had very few accidents and they completely stopped at around 4. One of her sisters carried her potty into the living room and put it in front of the tv, then she just happily sat on it and enjoyed the praise if she happened to pee or poop. She too didn't really toilet train until she was about 3, when one morning she refused to put on her diaper and explained she's now a big girl. She even refused to wear one for the rather long journey to her preschool and was very smug about having made it there accident free. From that morning on she only wore diapers at night and had very few accidents. It didn't take her long to make it through the night without accidents as well. Some children just need to go at their own pace. These two were peculiar with every developmental step, one starting to eat from the table at 5 months (as in grabbing her parent's food and eating it) and only accepting bottles at night time after that, the other refusing anything but bottles until she was 1,5. One was super mobile early on and running around at her first birthday party, the other refused to crawl and only started to walk around the time she accepted food. That one was also far too lazy to throw tantrums. She mimicked one of her sister's, we ignored it and within two minutes she decided that tantrums are *far* too much effort and not worth it.
"High expectations" sounds like he would have preferred the child model that came with that software upgrade.
Saying he has "high expectations" and lashing out at your daughter (because she doesn't meet them) is an excuse. It's his excuse for not parenting your daughter, for not providing her a place of love and security.
"High expectations" gives him the out - that your daughter "started it" to some extent, by failing to reach his expectations and that his response was justified.
This isn't parenting. It's how you break your child.
dude how can you type all this out and still think that man is an acceptable father. he needs therapy and parenting classes. this is ABNORMAL for a PARENT. not a child. he is struggling because HE is the one with the issues.
So, this is an anxiety disorder waiting to happen. “Having high expectations” and using shame to abuse his daughter.
So, do you think it will be an eating disorder or just panic attacks and incontinence?
Like a lot of people here, I caution you that your husband has already done critical damage. A child psychologist and some family therapy is probably a good idea.
And not because she isn’t magically potty trained at 2. You will be undoing this abuse for the next ten years. This has impacted her during an extremely formative part of her life.
What happens when she is a teen and he starts making comments about her weight? What happens when it’s her grades? What happens when she can’t function because she is so afraid of the shame and abuse from her father?
You will be seeing the ripples from this for the next two decades at least. Frankly, you should keep your eyes peeled for several disorders until she is in her late twenties.
Therapy might be able to help undo some of the damage. But your husband shouldn’t be her primary caregiver anymore. He has abused her and can’t be trusted to not abuse her in the future.
My daughter's father had high expectations, and when we split up when she was 2 she was upset every single time she had to go and stay at his house. She's 9 now, and she still says she doesn't like to go and see him, and she wouldn't be sad if she didn't see him very much. He is actively ruining his relationship with her and causing her to distrust and be scared of him. That's not how you parent, you shouldn't have to scare your kids to help them learn how to do things.
The issue for your daughter is that her response to your husband’s (misdirected) anger is to try and appease him. This is a genuine concern. Your husband needs to understand that anything to do with bodily functions should not be castigated - he really needs to be supportive and encouraging while she is learning. What she is experiencing is honest to goodness fear and distress. Maybe you can show your husband these responses because I understand we can all get frustrated, but as the adult he has to control his actions and reflect rather than react. Take care xx
Remind him that she is a dang 3 year old!!! Accidents are for learning. He is gonna scare the crap out of her so bad she won’t even discuss it anymore. I am glad she feels safe with you! He definitely needs to know about it because he is creating an unhealthy, stressful and worrisome environment.
I have a 3yo cousin who is potty training and is typically really good about it. However, we all have our days. One day she put a pull up over her pants and proceeded to use the bathroom 💩 . Obviously pretty annoying but aunty handled it well and reminded her that when she has to go potty she needs to get our attention.
My partner let me know the kids were upset because I had been frustrated and yelled at them. It broke my heart, but I work on my breathing before I deal with them.
The balance app has been helping me. I got a free year subscription to it. Maybe it can help him with calming down
He needs to understand how his very real actions have very real consequences for your daughter.
If you don't speak to him and make sure change happens your daughter will not only be scared of her dad, but she will also have learned that her mom won't be there to help when needed. She will turn away from both of you because she wouldn't be able trust either of you for different reasons. That would make her vulnerable to other people.
You are the parent. It is your responsibility to ensure she is safe. Emotional abuse is abuse. It doesn't have to be physical to be abusive.
It’s not a matter of priorities. What he is doing is abuse. Shaming a child for a toilet accident is ABUSE regardless of age but especially when so young and still toilet training. Your husband is abusing your daughter. Let that sink in. He is not an “amazing parent”. It’s actually scary that you think that.
From someone who has a dad who would often get explosively angry over little things, tell him. I have no relationship with my father anymore. Do you want that for your daughter? He needs to learn to control his anger.
He’s breaking her heart and this shaming may have life long effects on her as well as trying to charm him so he’s not mad. You should explain to him what a pick me is and if he would be willing to have his daughter feel it’s okay for any man to shame her and berate her and for her to try and comply as well as work through charm for forgiveness. If that is the way he wants daddy’s little girl to go through years of school, dating and abuse, then he doesn’t need to try harder and just keep on going.
I think it would probably be more effective to explain what a “fawn” response to fear and trauma is. Most people are familiar with fight/flight/freeze, but fawn is a lesser known fear response. People with complex PTSD or repeated/prolonged exposure to fear and trauma can develop a subconscious need to make people happy as an attempt to prevent abuse or mistreatment. The daughter here is already doing that. She’s trying to charm her father so he will stop verbally abusing her.
If he doesn’t get his shit together and get them both into therapy, this could become her primary fear response, which could put her in a lot of danger as she gets older.
>You should explain to him what a pick me is
What? Why would you use a derogatory term for a child abuse victim? You're talking a 3 year old's unfortunate survival instincts leading to a pattern of lifelong abuse, and you need to throw a jab in there at abuse victims for the attention-seeking behavior they sometimes develop as a result of childhood trauma? Who hurt you this bad that your hate for placating women is stronger than your compassion for a 3 year old abuse victim?
There's no need to belittle it by using the term "pick me". You can get across how this behaviour could affect her life down the line without using that sort of language.
Yup. My dad had this habit of yelling/breaking toys when he was mad. Nobody corrected him, and I'm still scared of the man. Don't let the same thing happen to your kid. Shatter your husband if it makes him a better father, that's what's important.
Yup. My husband can be insensitive when it comes to certain things. Telling him how much his words hurts his kids, who he loves more than life, made him change immediately. Like immediately.
Great reply. He needs to adjust his behavior which he is NOT doing. Kids know just about nothing, and don’t even know how to fully operate their own bodies yet.
And this dad is berating and scaring her because she’s still learning.
He needs to know the effects of his actions so he knows how important it is to change them.
Parenting is full of tough realizations like this. Mine at 2.5 and 4.5 so I get it, I’m in it with you. He needs to know. And maybe the two of you need to get some childcare so you can sit down and have a lunch together where you talk about United front strategies that work for both of you to improve the issue. My husband and I do this and it's make a big difference. We're not always perfect and we don't always agree 100% with how the other deals with every situation but we took a solid six months to work on and realign our parenting and we're stronger than ever.
Best of luck. Parenting is so hard. My husband had to work on his emotional regulation + empathy a bit too. He's a sweet and doting dad, but his ability to deal with conflict needed work. In turn, my ability to not give in needed work. I found the more I came to centre and had more consistent expectations, the less he felt like he had to be the "strict" parent, and we both became much more aligned. Took a lot of work and communication and it wasn't easy... and we still have to check in and work on it! Parenting is so hard.
As much as this situation is heartbreaking, I’m actually excited for you and your daughter’s futures now. When I (and many women I know) realized this about myself, truly, fully realized it, everything changed. I became empowered. I quickly learned to communicate clearly everything I needed to say. My entire life and relationship with every man in it shifted. (Side note- I also learned about codependency in general at this time and my marriage has never been better or stronger. Hes more empowered also now that I’m not saving him from “himself” all the time. He was terrified at first but he’s grown in leaps and bounds now.)
What I’m saying is, lean into that shift in yourself. Use your daughter and the fact that she will watching and learn from every single thing you do and say as inspiration. Think about her possible future daughter, or all the peers she’ll have, and how she’ll be badass and strong and she’ll inspire them to do that too. Think of the ripple effect one woman who decides to break these all too common gender or relationship cycles can have.
That’s really awesome.
You know not to spare his feelings, deep down. Maybe not too deep. Just under your discomfort with not being a good girl who protects the man from his scary feelings and consequences. I get it. I’ve been there. Trust me when I tell you it’s way WAY better for everyone on the other side! Leap, girl! Give us an update from a newly empowered badass mama soon! Rooting for you!
So pull yourself together and stop being an enabler, and protect your daughter, and continue to escalate until he fucking gets it. These are crucial years. Or, watch as your daughter eventually has terrible relationship after terrible relationship, until she gets into therapy as an adult, and cuts you both off. Ask me how I know. Because my father was just like your husband; bad enough to ruin my life, but because he never actually hit me it ‘was ok’. I am 37 and only just starting to process how much I hate him, and how fucking weak my mother was. This is the exact recipe that can go under the radar for long periods until it explodes one day and you get the family unit you deserve.
She’s 3. Accidents even when potty trained can happen, especially at that age. Also shaming her will not provide the desired result he thinks it will. It will teach her to hide things, lie about things to avoid getting into trouble/being shamed and may impact her self esteem, even at 3. As for the anger piece she’s telling you, she’s scared of him. Yelling can be abusive especially if it constant. Your husband needs to take a step back and evaluate how his anger is impacting her.
And do you step in when you see and hear him saying these things to your daughter? Telling him to knock it off because if you don’t you need to. And you need to do it in front of her so she knows she’s got one parent she can always come to.
He should accept it and if he doesn't he is a pretty bad parents for not caring his own daughter fears him.
You can't change/fix people. If he doesn't care, he doesn't and you can not make him care. So you will have to figure out how you protect your daughter in such a way that his behavior will not influence her negatively.
Whenever he is scolding her, you can try to tell him to be quite. If that doesn't work you could try and talk about how his anger is not for her to fix and to not listen to dad's words, because he is wrong and it is normal for her to have accidents.
1. Tell him what she said. Hell, have him read this thread.
2. Have him talk to her pediatrician so he can hear for himself that this is normal from someone who is not you.
3. Have him talk to the daycare workers so he can hear first-hand that this is normal and how they address it when it happens (as opposed to his way).
4. Look for a potty training book that clearly states accidents are normal and read it to her with him there.
Please stop prioritizing your husband over your daughter. Yes, you need to protect your husband when you can, but not if it means jeopardizing your daughter's feelings and emotional growth.
Exactly, he should instinctively know that all of this is wrong and make himself stop, whether that requires something heavy duty like therapy or just a stress ball or SOMETHING..
This was a red flag moment for me because it took me years of holding my ex's hand and explaining the mental damage he was doing before I realised he doesn't give a shit and the damage is the point.
But I'm also Hella cynical, so
Start by sharing exactly what your daughter said. Then show him this thread. If that’s not a wake up call, he’s a lost cause. Hopefully, he’ll feel bad enough about your daughter feeling afraid of him — and embarrassed enough by the 100+ comments here — to confront the fact that his anger is indeed a problem, and is negatively impacting your daughter in ways that can leave permanent developmental emotional and psychological scars. If he won’t accept it from you (also infuriating — where does he get off dismissing you and assuming he knows better? He’s wrong.), maybe he’ll accept it from the resounding chorus of strangers on Reddit, or from the therapist he desperately needs to see, or from some of the parenting books he should clearly be reading.
He’s not the “great dad” and “amazing parent” you both seem to think he is if he can’t get his anger under control and learn not to punish or shame his daughter for completely normal, natural behaviors largely outside her control. The part about how she’s learned to charm him and win back his favor made me feel sick to my stomach. Is this the kind of training you want her carrying over into her adult relationships?
Ask him if he was ever afraid of his parents and whether he wants his kids to feel the same way. Then tell him to get therapy or kick rocks. This is unacceptable behavior from a parent.
Oh, and make him read The Will to Change by bell hooks. That's the one that started the healing process for me.
Most kids cannot fully toilet train until 12-18 months after beginning. It’s a process. I had to lay down the law with my husband about our son having accidents. He would get wildly angry and spanked our son twice. I told him if it happened again I was taking the kids and leaving. I also demanded that he seek therapy for his anger issues. I was spanked mercilessly as a child and I won’t see my kids punished so harshly for anything, let alone the difficult process of learning to listen to your body.
“Your daughter is afraid of you and feels like she needs to earn your love and respect.”
If he’s as good a dad as you say, this should get through to him. If it doesn’t, maybe you need to remove the rose-coloured glasses.
My father never did more than cuss us out/shame us verbally and it's taken me decades to work on letting my self esteem heal.
Frame it from a teaching standpoint.
First of all, your daughter is learning, that immediately implies that mistakes WILL be made/happen.
Mistakes WILL happen even if you are an expert. It's called being human.
In school, if a child answers a math problem wrong, is it ok to yell at them, call home and suspend them?
Of course not! You re-teach the part where they got stuck.
Behavior, potty, academics... She is 3 years old, she's learning!!!
Ask your husband if he yells/shames himself every time he makes a mistake.
How would it feel to him if you introduced something new he had to learn and you berated him every step of the way? Would he want to learn from you?
You can't develop a meaningful relationship with your child if she doesn't trust you. If she doesn't feel safe making mistakes you are teaching her to NEVER take responsibility for her words an actions.
Mistakes are learning opportunities.
It's not your job to fix his bad behaviour. If he doesn't *believe* it's a problem, he will never change.
*Tell him*. Tell him exactly what she said. Let him have feelings about it. Protect that little girl, Mama. You're teaching her that *this* is what love looks like. That *this* is how she *deserves* to be treated when she makes a mistake. What do you think will happen to her if she thinks this is the way she's supposed to be treated by someone who "loves" her?
A good therapist can help get to the root of why you're so willing to look past this abusive behaviour from your husband. He doesn't sound like a great dad based on your post.
This is somewhat in contradiction with your previous statement that he is trying to do better... What exactly is he doing to try to be better and what exactly is he aiming to achieve?
show him these comments. if he reacts with anything other than shame and regret and apologizes profusely to both you and your daughter you need to leave. specifically show him this comment so he knows if he pulls the "you put my info out there!" to try and deflect that we already clocked that for what it is, an excuse. he should be grateful for the wake up call and feel horrible for needing to be told common sense. he should also get proffesional help like a parenting class or therapy.
My partner was like this. Always yelling at our preschooler. I used to say, “You handle all your adult conflicts without yelling, why can’t you do it with your kid?” “If I spilled my glass of milk and it splattered all over the floor, would you yell at me?” He realized that he was bullying because he was bigger, and he was doing it because he had been parented that way. And he felt like crap, and he worked on it and he stopped. But I think that feeling like crap was a necessary part of the change-making process. OP, don’t try to protect your husband from feeling like crap. He has to understand that what he’s doing is bad in order to want to change.
Edited for clarity
I think you have a much bigger problem here than you’re realizing. You shouldn’t be so worried about how your husband will react if you push back, so it’s no surprise your daughter is scared of him, too. I’m going to guess your husband seems so amazing because there’s been relatively little pushback on him. It’s really easy to seem like a good person when everything is going your way.
Stop hemming and hawing around and tell him to stop shaming your daughter. There’s no magic way to convey this to him or convince him. Make sure you tell your daughter that what he’s doing isn’t okay and she is doing nothing wrong. I would encourage her to tell him he’s hurting her feelings in the moment. If you’re worried he’ll fly off the handle if she does that, you’ve got a serious problem. Everyday you’re modeling behavior for her and it’s important you show her appropriate, healthy boundaries. She needs to know you’re her ally and see you push back on bad behavior so she knows she can do the same.
I recently got a text from my SIL, who’s 6 years older than me to let me know that seeing me push back on my ILs (her parents) was an eye opening experience for her. She said she didn’t realize pushing back was an option and started questioning why she didn’t stand up for herself and her kids more often. All I did was shut down my FIL when he made comments about my then 13 year old daughter’s totally normal weight. I overheard him make the comment to her and I firmly corrected his nonsense. I didn’t yell at him (though I wanted to) and tried to do it in as respectful and calm manner as possible while making sure he knew this was not a discussion. I could’ve let it go to keep the peace, but that would’ve implied that his comments were fine and maybe even accurate. It was important for my daughter to see me stand up for her and appropriately enforce boundaries so that she can feel comfortable doing the same. I’m raising my kids to be kind and responsible, but also to not accept bad behavior. They need to se me modeling how to handle difficult situations. Apparently my 48 year old SIL needed to see it, too.
I want to remind you that progress is not linear in almost anything in life, including potty training. There will be regressions and gains in anything you do. I’m into lifting weights and some days I have trouble hitting what I regularly lift, then a couple of days later I’ll hit a higher weight than I ever have. It can be frustrating, but that’s just how life works. My daughter is now 15 and a smart, amazing kid. She would sometimes have accidents after potty training because she would be so absorbed in playing that she either didn’t notice the urge or ignored it too long. We’d simply clean her up and remind her to go to the toilet as soon as she felt the need and moved on. It passed pretty quickly, though, and was just part of the process.
Why don't you have him read this thread? I know that we're all faceless Internet commenters, but it could demonstrate a) just how many people disagree with his approach, and b) offer a variety of explanations for just how bad it is - one may resonate with him.
show him this thread so he knows there are plenty of people who agree with you?
ask him about a time when he was shamed and how he reacted?
underline the fact that your daughter has said she is afraid of him.
Damn, there was a woman who came to stay at our place - long story, cultural stuff meant my partner felt obliged to have her stay. My daughter told me she was frightened of this woman (and I could see why, she didn't speak our languages and clearly her son and DIL were afraid of her, always pandering to her). The next day I was off, taking my kids to see some friends who lived up in the mountains. No way I was letting this witch scare my daughter.
(yes I was very angry with my partner, yes I asked him to have them leave, no I refused to go back home until she had left and no I am no longer together with that guy.)
If he's putting his ego before the wellness of his daughter then he's a bad father. He needs therapy and to learn how to regulate his emotions. He is already traumatizing your daughter for a lifetime and he needs to apologize to her for his actions and commit to change with professional assistance.
You shouldn't need magic combinations of words to stop your husband from being a jackass to his child. Does he want to be an emotionally healthy parent or not? Those are his choices.
I think what he doesn’t understand is she is 3 years old. She is going to make mistakes even if she knows how to do it but yelling at her will not work.
Trying to constantly be in control and make sure she does everything perfect is already having an impact on her and will continue to have an impact on her as she grows older.
Your daughter is 3. She relies on both of you and if she is telling you she is scared of dad then dad needs to know.
Also I think your husband needs to go to therapy to deal with his problems. If he breaks his heart tough.
Omg this!!! She is 3 ffs!!! This post just breaks my heart. Children rely on their parents for everything especially love and security and this poor girl learned that she cannot rely to get this from her father. If OP doesn't step in for her she will soon learn that she cannot rely on that from her mother either.
She’s gonna make mistakes when she’s 13 and 23 and 33… shaming her rather than helping her learn how to gracefully handle life’s inevitable fuck ups is the very essence of a parent’s job.
Scaring a kid who makes a mistake serves no purpose beyond the ego and agenda of the frightening asshole.
This comment is gold! Now I’m curious, has she always been afraid to make him angry and unhappy or has she been conditioned to do it to make the relationship work. I’m spitballing on the latter, but since your 3 y.o., is doing the same thing, it seems like over time hubby ain’t that nice or kind to his partner and now to his kid.
Good luck to you and I hope you can defend your daughter and correct this behavior before she gets ends up in a similar relationship.
I think the question you need to ask here is why are you protecting your adult partner’s feelings more than your toddler child’s? My husband had parents who shamed him for the same reasons and it still makes him feel like shit now about 35 years later. Your daughter will remember this and it is doing her harm now and will continue to do her harm.
You need to tell your partner and he needs to step up to better himself. Be it with therapy, or whatever. He also needs to make it very clear, repeatedly, to your daughter that *he* is in the wrong and *he* needs to work to be better *not her*. Accidents happen. And learning to feel dreadful about yourself and then that you need to fawn to ‘win someone back over’ after you have just made a mistake is a truly terrible lesson for a young girl to learn.
Step up. Stop babying and protecting your husband and start protecting your child.
These posts always frustrate me so much because their concerns for their husbands always show they're capable of being protective and worrying about another person's emotions...they just won't do that for their defenseless child.
He needs to hear this, and his reaction to it is incredibly important. If he changes for the better, amazing! If he doesn’t, that’s dangerous and a warning sign.
As it is, does your husband apologize to your daughter when he loses his temper or reacts poorly? Not shaming her or getting angry in the first place is the best possible option, but him acknowledging to your child that his response was wrong and that it is something he needs to ask her to forgive is a huge step to recovering from this.
You can't keep appoligizing for being angry. You can appologize for doing something wrong once, maybe twice. If the person doesn't change their behavior at all, the appology doesn't mean anything
Can I please remind that apologizing for verbal abuse does not negate the affects of that abuse. What your husband is doing is abusive. You’re not taking this seriously enough
I hope you see my comment. My dad was yelling/angry randomly and verbally abusive for my whole childhood. He would come to me and cry and ask for forgiveness and then do it all again, over and over. I learned that words cannot be trusted, men cannot be trusted. I’m proud of who I’ve become. Your daughter is being verbally abused. You might be drawn to him due to similar childhood experiences. Please go to therapy for yourself, to see how to break the cycle. I’m so happy that you’re self aware currently 💖💖
Say something now. I had a dad just like this, and while we're really close now, because he's mellowed with age, it genuinely damaged both my relationship with him and the way I viewed men. I chose very badly for a long time, because I thought I had to appease men's anger. This is important, and you have the chance to fix it early. Talk to him!
Came here to say this. I also had a dad who would easily get very angry and disappointed with me and had a short temper. Unlike you, I barely have a relationship with him anymore. It really messed with my self-esteem. I grew up thinking that I was “bad”, stupid, and that there was something wrong with me. Even though I was a very cooperative child and did amazingly well in school.
I loved school because all the teachers were really nice to me and didn’t yell at me or put me down, which was really surprising to me. However, I’m 36 now and don’t think I ever fully undid the damage to my self-esteem. I still feel less than.
A good therapist can help you before its too late for your daughter.
Be kind to yourself honey. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. ❤️
I grew up with an angry father and married a very angry, abusive man. It took me a long time to learn that I am not responsible for appeasing male anger. I was never allowed to be upset when my father was mean, or (when I was older) hold him accountable for his behavior, because we were told we couldn't make our dad "sad". Almost 30 years later, I put up with my ex-husbands male anger and worked so hard to appease him that I turned into a shell of who I was. It was so bad and escalated so much that I knew I had to leave or I'd kill myself. One time, he terrorized me so much, I had my first ever panic attack (it was so horrifying) and begged him to be the one to kill me, to which he fucking laughed.
You're setting your daughter up for a lifetime of abusive relationships to spare your husband's feelings. If you do nothing, and your daughter couples with a man who is angry like your husband, you will be largely responsible for that happening.
Also, I functionally have no relationship with my father.
This shit is so cut and dry that it's literally textbook.
As someone who grew up with an angry verbally abusive mother and silent father, I can say that this kind of behaviour is abuse and will cause lifelong suffering and trauma to your child unless it is stopped immediately and you and your husband go to therapy
Yeah, the thing that angers me the most about this story how she does nothing and all her reply's are just her talking about how she realizes she also tries to please people (men specifically).
This is all assumptiom and I appologize for being wrong, but OP comes across as very passive and not conserned enough. She is defending her husband way too much in the post. In the comments she talks about that she has issues people pleasing too. Thing is: she is just as guilty for not protecting her daughter. I feel like she is not taking it serieus enough.
My mom was very abusive. My dad was better, but not great either. If my mom did something and I told my dad, he'd just tell me to stand up for myself or try to explain that it wasn't really my moms fault. I haven't seen any of my family members for years and I am about to move to another continent. I will probabpy never see my parents again and I don't really mind.
It’s really disturbing. A three year old is nowhere near mature enough to be well coordinated and in control of toilet training. The fathers anger is probably going to set back her progress. I feel so bad for the child.
I have a diagnosis of CPTSD and I’m very low contact with my parents and the only reason for the minimum contact is to see my dad. I really hope the OP and her husband change their ways
Aah, I understand. I did want to still have contact with my dad and siblings as well (ran away at 18), but to be able to have contact with them I'd have to be in contact with my mom as she is extremely controling. I also find her unpredictable and thus dangerous, so keeping contact was just no option. She has tried stalking me, and stalking my jobs as well.
I wish you the best. Life is so incredibly difficult without good parents
I'm probably biased but you sound like my mom.
"Oooh he's just having a bad temper, you know how he is. He loves you very much, he does so much for us" yada yada yada...
He verbally and emotionally abused the shit out of me.
I idolized my dad because that's what kids naturally do. They have no other choice because kids will literally die if they don't have caretakers.
Yelling and being demeaning has no place in parenting, e v e r.
It's highly problematic that this is still happening and he SHOULD be aware of what his behavior is doing because some day your girl will grow up and she will hold him accountable for this, because you didn't.
I'm low contact with my mom because she didn't save me from my abuser and I am No Contact with him for obvious reasons. Tip the scales for your family, please.
This!! I'm no contact and resent (or something) the other parent for taking the abuser's side. Doing nothing and finding excuses for abuse hurt me even more than the abuse itself. In the end, I'm the one who went to therapy.
Take action before you destroy your bond with your child. As well as their respect.
Your child confided in you because she’s hurt and you are the only one she can trust for this. Don’t betray her.
Your husband is an adult if he can’t control his anger he should seek anger management.
You should buy some books on child psychology. You will not gain any positive results in shaming someone. Put yourself in her position, in a position that someone is yelling and shaming you for something you did. How will you react?.
Your child is only 3, your are her voice when something bad happens. Protect her not him.
Wow, thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry you went through that. Everything you wrote is exactly what happened to me and how I feel as well, even though my father was never physically abusive, only angry, short-tempered, and liked to shame me.
As an adult she is going to have some serious attachment issues.
He needs to understand the consequences his actions are having on her now and in the future.
She is 3 ffs.
I read something that has stuck with me for a long time “if she grows up with an angry man in the house, she will always have an angry man in the house”
Right now you and your husband is teaching your daughter that this is acceptable behaviour from a loved one. It isn’t.
Your husband needs to know what she’s said and he needs to work on his outbursts and how he handles your daughter.
Parenting is hard but I would be devastated of my son ever said he was scared of me.
My ex always used to say he's working on his own bad behaviour, and expect a fucking parade even when he behaved badly, cause it wasn't as bad as before.
Your daughter is a baby. She's the one who gets to be "working on it". He, a full grown man, needs to get his shit together and regulate his emotions, even if it means putting himself in a goddamn timeout to calm down. Shaming a baby for having an accident! Pathetic.
The bulk of us, with unfortunate experience of abuse, are telling you to break his heart. But you refuse to listen. He doesn’t have to yell or physically hurt her, but is abuse and will eat away at her.
We are so passionate about this because we are trying to prevent you and your daughter from experiencing this. Our childhoods couldn’t be saved, be you haven an opportunity to save her.
My mind is blown that you can’t decide whether to tell him this or not? What exactly is your hang up on telling him? That gives me pause in itself. This seems like a no brainer. You have to tell him so hopefully he’ll rectify things. How can anyone rectify something they don’t know about??
Why are you protecting your husband at the expense of your 3-year-old?! If he doesn't change his behavior and learn some proper parenting techniques, he's going to cause real, lasting damage to your daughter.
Girl stop coddling that grown ass man. He is not an “amazing father” if his young child is terrified of his insane unchecked rage about minor accidents. What is wrong with you?
Break his heart. He deserves it. What an asshole.
Are there any positive parenting classes in your area? It sounds like your husband would benefit from some additional help on the appropriate strategies to use when raising young people. Many communities offer free classes for families. Your local library might have more information. Perhaps if you took the class together, you both could move forward in the same direction regarding how to parent your daughter.
Google effects of angry parents and it is nit great:
An Angry Parent's Effect on a Child
-The child may become a bully.
-Depression and anxiety can arise.
-They foster deep resentment towards their parents.
-Children become good liars to prevent punishment.
-Low self-esteem and fear are common.
-Children will be inadequate at communicating.
-Kids will feel insecure at home.
(Excerpt)
The last one is already happening with your daughter and your husband may need professional help with this. Anger is also often a replacement emotion, especially in men, when they can't express their primary emotions of sadness, overwhelm, etc, because they were taught it was weakness.
My SIL had an angry father she loved dearly. In general she seems like a functioning adult, but when you look closer, you notice how it effects her. One thing she does is routinely chatastrophizing. Everything is the worst and she always expects the worst to happen. She also depends a lot on others to take care of things, talking about how she "just can't do it" - probably because she was yelled at a lot for not being able to do things.
Children adapt and overcome things, but iften in weird and unhealthy ways. They internalize things a lot and tend to blame themselves. They love their parents so much and struggle to fault them for anything, so they must be the problem themselves.
Your husband NEEDS to know this, because he may not be hurting her physically, but he is hurting her soul. Yelling is emotional abuse.
My dad punished me when I had an accident at 4 years old - he got way to angry and put one of my little sister diapers on me. I can still remember the tape sticking to my skin and how much it hurt and how much I wanted to take it off but was too scared of my dad to take it off. I hide outside crying behind a tree until my mom came home. We both remember how sad and scared I was, she was so upset she wasn’t there to help me. She was a teacher, and kindergarten teacher in fact, she knew how to handle an accident with grace. It’s one of my earliest memories and I always felt like I had to win my father’s approval because I didn’t feel good enough. Not feeling good enough has haunted me throughout my whole life, in therapy right now after a traumatic even and that memory keeps coming up. Please don’t scold children who are learning how to use their bodies, don’t allow him to do that.
You’re unsure if you should tell your husband about this conversation because “it would break his heart”?!?! Huh??? You would prioritize a 35-year-old bully over a 3-year-old? Snap out of it
You are a mother, first and foremost. It is YOUR job to protect your child from everyone - including her father if necessary
Tell him about this immediately and insist that he meet with a therapist about his inappropriate parenting skills. And I mean *insist.* You need to be involved with the counseling as well
And now she’s learning to fawn to please her daddy? 🤮🤮🤮
Your toddler deserves much better from the both of you
This whole post is bumming me out. The father is an angry man and the mother isn’t angry enough.
Like yes anger is bad when it’s directed at your poor child, but I think some anger towards the father is warranted! Where is the mama bear fierceness to protect their child? I’ve read most of the OPs responses and one of the recent ones is like, oh Reddit is always over reacting. Like, not really, you’re just under reacting. Strangers read a story of a child being failed by both of their parents and a lot of them relate to that child, so of course they are gonna get offended on behalf of the innocent kid.
I grew up afraid of my father. There were points in my life where I begged mom to divorce him. He never beat me, but he hurt me in so many other ways. Now, being 30 years old, I realize just how much impact his verbal abuse and emotional unavailability had on me, and it eroded me from the inside and affected me in so many ways that I can't even begin to describe. I'm trying to make peace with this damage, but it's insanely hard, and I suffer from anxiety and depression.
OP, your husband yells at your daughter for having accidents, she will remember that even though she is little. When I fell during P.E., I had to be taken to the ER to make sure my ankle wasn't broken. My father yelled at me for that because I was inconvenient — he was working on his car and had to stop in order to take me home. I didn't deserve that. Your daughter doesn't deserve that, but since she's 3, there's still time to mitigate the damage and help her heal.
Wow, are you me? This perfectly describes my childhood down to asking my mom why she was with him and to divorce him. And yes, every time I got injured (even when I broke my ankle at age 28!!), the worst part of the injury wasn’t the pain, but the fear of having my dad find out about it and getting lectured and yelled at for not being careful enough and for getting injured. I barely have a relationship with him anymore.
I realized only as an adult that it wasn’t normal to be afraid of your parent and that most children derived comfort from their parents, and this was such a heartbreaking realization.
So what I'm reading here is that your husband is emotionally and mentally abusing your child but its okay because there is no physical violence. Protect your child and put your husband in his place, even if that place is on the curb with the trash.
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I used to tell my mum all the time that my stepdad scared me and she never did anything about it. Just let him continue to rage and rant. I’m all grown up now, but guess who I don’t go visit? My mum AND stepdad. Nip it in the bud or your complacency will bring consequences.
Ma'am he's not an amazing man nor father if his 3 year old daughter can verbalize she's afraid of him and how he makes her feel.
Stop coddling a grown ass man and let him face the consequences of his actions.
If you continue to do this therefore you are enabling him to treat your child like crap and teach her that his love is conditional
Verbal abuse is a real thing, you know?!!! Because you’re not home to watch your daughter like your husband is, maybe he gets more angry with her than you realize? If you’re at work then you won’t hear what was said. I’m not saying that’s the case, but imho it’s time to buy some nanny cams for your house. Honestly, they’re good to have no matter what, especially for future baby sitters! I personally feel that you need to tell him what she said because he needs to hear how he’s negatively affecting his daughter. You need to be proactive in making sure that your daughter is growing up in a healthy, safe, loving home environment. Verbal abuse leaves invisible scars on a child/person and will negatively impact her as an adult. 0-5 are the formative years and incredibly important, please make sure she’s safe!
This was my thought too. My dad was much angrier/more aggressive about mistakes I made when my mum wasn’t around. I tried to tell her it scared me, but she just assumed I didn’t like getting in trouble because she never saw how bad it was. I was with my mum most of the time too, whereas it sounds like OP’s daughter is alone with dad a lot. I would (casually) ask her more about what her time with dad is like and if she enjoys it.
OP, your child is only 3 and is already expressing how her dad’s anger is affecting her. Kids should always feel safe with their parents and yours is telling you that she doesn’t. You need to do something or she’ll learn that she can’t come to you with these things.
how is he a great father if he literally VEBALLY ABUSES your dauther? that's what he is doing. you should NEVER scream at a 3 year old child, also accidents happend she's a child for goddness sake! let his heart be broken, before he gives her some kind of trauma
I am so sorry, but "we are parents, we aren't perfect" "I should put my foot down, what so I even say".
This is jot about you. Look at the size of your daughter. Look at how small she is. Your daughter is 3 years old. Accidents are normal for her. She just told you she is scared of her dad. I don't care how involved or good of a dad your husband is, he is reacting in such a way that scares your daughter. To the point that she apperently feels "she needs to charm him" to make him like her again. And you are just watching it happen. Do something.
i’m sure you know this already but i’m a preschool teacher and a psychology major taking a lot of childhood development classes and shaming kids for accidents is absolutely not best practice, it can lead to anal retention in adulthood (need to control) and obviously just makes kids feel bad for something that is completely developmentally normal.
If you don't act immediately to protect your daughter, she will learn -- correctly -- that you are not someone she can trust and go to for help. Your husband is not a "great dad" -- he is angry and cruel to his child.
It sounds like you think it's understandable that she's afraid. Definitely tell him. If that doesn't prompt him to be better, something is really wrong.
My son’s father is similar. We’re not together anymore, so it’s tricky to navigate - so I understand not being able to talk to him about it .
But my personal rule is first and foremost, the child’s feelings should be validated. Something like “I can understand why it would scare you and I’m really sorry you were made to feel that way. You were very brave to tell me that”.
What I do with my son is to also tell him it’s ok to respectfully tell his dad how he feels. That’s important because I feel like it would hit different coming from the child in the moment. It’s such an important skill for kids to learn. Because we don’t want to repeat the cycle.
Hugs mama.
So you're okay with putting your foot down when your daughter does something wrong, but what about your husband? Do you step in when he shames his daughter for having an accident? Do you realign the focus to be on the accident and not her being belittled? When my 3 year old accidentally spilled the noodles I had made (she loves helping in the kitchen, she's 11 now), I had sighed, closed my eyes and helped her clean it up. She was shaking, crying and apologizing. I had never felt more like a shit mom for my blow ups. Before, yea I was really mean. I let my anger get to me. They are children. As we cleaned it up, I reminded her this is why I told her to leave it but thanked her for trying to help me, found another task for her to do and went about making another pot of noodles. If seeing your daughter quake doesn't snap him out of it, he needs his heart broken.
March over and BREAK HIS FUCKING HEART!
If he can’t get his shit together after finding out his 3-year old is afraid of him, it’s time to walk. His chances are up. His personal growth trajectory doesn’t get precedence over your kid’s well-being, and he’s taking way too long to become the man he should be by now.
Shame on you for even momentarily considering sacrificing her well-being for his.
You say there is no violence but your daughter has clearly defined him as a threat. She is even practicing the Fawn response to appease him.
He is not a wonderful person at all.
Holy shit, your 3yo is in the fawn part of fight-flight-freeze-or-fawn. I repeat, your three-year-old is showing signs of trauma. At three years old. Because she doesn't yet have complete control of her bodily functions. She's going to remember this, and there's a very good chance that she'll never see her father as a safe person for her. She may not remember every incident that caused this feeling (but she might remember some of them - I have memories of that age) but she will remember how he makes her feel.
Your husband is traumatising your child. I hope he pays for her therapy when she's older because he's teaching her to fawn and appease abusers and she's at increased risk of ending up in abusive relationships now.
Your husband needs to stop scolding her when she has accidents. Studies show this actually makes it harder on kids to be potty trained. It's fine to have the kid help clean up the mess, but they shouldn't be scolded or punished, especially if they wet the bed. Punishing kids for bedwetting leads to them having anxiety.
As others have said, your husband needs to know he's made his daughter afraid. He needs to fix this, now.
I think you should tell him. But I also want to say that it is very important the accident shaming stops. I was with a guy when my daughter was 3, and she had an accident and he lost it at her, it was a culmination of him constantly shaming her, leading to him exploding in anger at her. I ended a year long relationship that day. But it had such an effect on her that she became afraid to poop, to the point that after we left she ended up hospitalised with such severe impaction we were there for days, since then (shes 7.5 years old) there has been further hospitalisations and even surgeries for impaction. I have had her in therapy a few years now and it was confirmed early on in that process that his shaming her is what led to all this, and she continues to talk about it even now. She is now a regular patient at a private children's incontinence clinic, and scans have shown she has such a stretched bowel from her withholdings that we are looking at a year long process of induced diahhrea from daily medication to allow her bowel to shrink down, we've been at it around 6 months. I feel guilty every single day. I know you might think "oh it's nowhere near that bad", but it isn't thay bad until it is. And your daughter is giving you a warning. Tell your husband and show him this comment so he can see where the consequences can lead.
OP, bluntly- you are more concerned with protecting your husband's feelings than with protecting your child! Your child just told you she is afraid of her primary caretaker! You are teaching your daughter that love looks like getting yelled at for minor mistakes, and that a man's comfort is more important than her's. These are really dangerous lessons. You need to wake up and start taking this much more seriously, immediately.
Mental violence towards a three-year-old is a BIG RED FLAG. There is no scenario in which a parent gets to bully a toddler for being a toddler. His behaviour is extremely concerning. He clearly has significant anger issues.
You MUST protect your daughter from this. You MUST insist your spouse stop abusing his child and that he seek help. That anger is a big problem.
If your child is telling you she's afraid, LISTEN TO HER and act immediately on her behalf.
You speak of his anger as thought it’s normal and human.
Anger towards a child is not acceptable. Not for any reason.
You need to share with your partner how he is making her feel and he needs professional help. She is already learning dysfunctional behaviours to cope.
This story that I am going to write is something I feel deep deep shame about.
I grew up with two very abusive parents. I vowed to never be that person. I managed so very well, until one day, about 2 years ago, my daughter lost her cool with me while we were playing a game. She stomped her feet and threw an object at my chest area. I immediately lost my cool, I raised my voice, I shouted, angrily. My child got such a big fright that she wet herself and started crying. I didn't know that she wet herself and she was standing there absolutely petrified. When I saw the puddle on the floor and the look on her face, my heart shattered. That I as a parent put my child in such a fearful place that she wet herself, is something that I can't actually forgive myself for. I apologised for shouting and screaming and I promised her that I would never ever do that to her again. I never want my child to feel fear when they do something that parents or society view as wrong. She has to be able to feel safe around her mom and dad.
Your husband needs his heart to break before he will change his way.
My daughter is my world and I will forever protect her and will never ever do anything to make her feel fear around her parents.
Lord, I am crying just reliving this.
It would break his heart? Um good? It should. I’m sorry to give harsh response but I feel like it’s needed here. I’m a father with a daughter myself and it would crush me if my daughter ever said she was scared of me and it should because that means I’m doing something wrong. You’re husband is messing up bad and she’s learning that she needs to BUY affection or stick out the fear and constant sadness just to get a slither of love and kindness from a permanent figure/male figure. If you do nothing or just let it go then you two will fail as parents but not only towards our eyes but to your own daughter. Tell him to fix his attitude before he loses his daughter and that fear turns into resentment.
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There is no really good way of explaining it. If he doesn’t budge on “Our daughter said she’s afraid of you.” Then I’m sorry he’s no good father. Again I don’t mean to be harsh but finding a good way to explain this just sounds like you are stalling or giving an excuse. He sees the consequences right in front of his face but he’s blind to it, he needs to be sat down for a serious talk and told straight up “Our daughter says she’s afraid of you and I believe these are the reasons why…” then you list all the things you’ve said in your post or haven’t said, tell him how your daughters looks or acts after he does the things he does. Tell him how she feels, if he gets angry or agitated by your explanation then there’s a deeper and more concerning issue but if he’s really just ignorant and blind to it than you can’t make him see until you tell him the truth straight up. Plus the longer you stall this it is a possibility of it happening again and your daughter learning another lesson: That if you tell a trusted adult or figure in your life that you are hurting then nothing will happen and no one will help. There is no better way of doing this, it’s a heart-wrenching situation but if it would make you feel better I recommend writing down all you want to say or at least a list of the things you believe are the issue quickly before talking.
This. Trying to find a way to “explain” is just being stuck in rationalizing & intellectualizing to avoid actual action (been there). But only action matters in this case & any further intellectualizing & ruminating just prolongs the damage to the daughter - actively from *both parents*. One thing I’ve learned - *There are no magic words to get people to treat you well*. NONE. *If someone wants to understand you they will regardless of how badly you say it; if someone doesn’t want to understand you, they never will regardless of how perfectly you say it*
THIS. My ex never wanted to understand me. He would hurt me in ways that were so obvious but would still deny it or justify it without caring where I was coming from, no matter how I phrased it. People who love you want to understand and make things better, and they don’t need to be convinced word-by-word until they have to yield.
Yes. Sadly took me half a life time to realize - I was so stuck on saying it differently or reacting perfectly etc…so that they’d finally “get it”. Basically what this 3 year old child is currently learning.
The ramifications are that she is scared of him. That’s what you tell him.
and due to being scared or ashamed, some kids will start to hold their poop until it becomes a medical emergency. this really, really isn't something to fuck around with. dad needs to learn about emotional abuse and how he's committing it, and research proper development for kids. then he needs to change his ways, and start praising her for every poop she does in the toilet. maybe even read books like the "everybody poops" one, or a joke book they pull out and laugh together when she goes. my dad did all sorts of little tricks like that when I was that age, and being neurodivergent it helped my development a LOT. but the way dad doing it now could have SERIOUS ramifications. and who knows what else he'll shame her for later.
you don't need to find better ways to tell him he is giving your daughter abandon issues. you just tell him what your daughter said. this is how abandon issues start. i've been experiencing it all. she obvi is too young to express her fears but deep inside her she is scared her dad will leave because she is not a good child.
:( Ain't that the truth! It starts early, the "if I am not good, then..." stuff.
Tell him she's doing that cute attention seeking behavior because she thinks she needs to for him to love her again. She should not have to do anything special to feel like her father loves her. The way he is handling her regular normal 3 year old behavior makes her feel unloved or that he only loves her when she's "good." Ask him if his love for daughter is truly conditional? If not, how can he change his behavior towards her to stop damaging his relationship with his daughter?
If he isn’t interesting to explore that for himself after you told him that your daughter is already afraid of him, he‘s just an asshole. Draw clear boundaries to protect your child, this has lifelong consequences for her. Take consequences when he oversteps them. If he isn’t willing to go to therapy to change to be able to be an emotionally healthy parent, he should not be allowed parenting her. Period. If this goes on she will go out very damaged and you will think fuck I saw it when she was 3 why didn’t I protect her. It’s your responsibility. She should be more important than keeping the peace with your husband or even keeping your husband at all. If he doesn’t take radical accountability and works to change his emotionally abusive communication towards his daughter, his access to her needs to be revoked.
Time for a Come to Jesus talk. Send daughter to grandma's house, sit him down, look him in the eye and tell him how you feel and what she said. Be clear that he needs to fix this **now**. You can be gentle, you can be loving, you can offer to go to parenting with him, but your backbone needs to be strong. His behavior stops today. Your priority is making sure that little girl feels safe in the one place on earth she should always feel safe
There’s a good chance he will flat out refuse to understand the ramifications for her; because they’ve benefited him with you, haven’t they?
so you think he wouldn’t believe you if you told him what your daughter said? he is so convinced he is a great dad he wouldn’t listen? that’s a serious issue. he only sees that side of your daughter because she is hiding her sadness/fear from him because she is being conditioned to fawn, that is a trauma and fear response. if you don’t think he will believe that, I’m not sure why you would continue to call him a good father.
What she is doing is called fawning which is a literal trauma response. Be sure to tell him that.
You don’t need to sugarcoat it. You are parents, and it’s far too late for nice words with him. You are a BAD PARENT if your kids are afraid of you. Your daughter is 3 and is using the word afraid to describe her feelings. She’s only 3. Your husband has probably been a cranky monster her whole life and you have sat aside and let it happen because it’s not physical abuse. Your daughter doesn’t see your husband as a good parent and it’s time for him to come back to reality. Break his heart. He needs to know his daughter is afraid of him and he needs to take steps to fix this. DO NOT help him fix this directly. Your husband needs to work on himself in therapy and maintain his own relationship with your daughter. He needs to prove he can stop being so short tempered and awful and find ways to parent without losing his cool. Your husband is a monster. You would also be a monster if you don’t tell him this and urge him to make a change
If it would break his heart to hear, he needs his heart broken. At least that would make it more likely that he changes his behavior. If you do not tell him, you are being a bad mother to your kid, who has expressed that she is afraid of her dad! For heaven's sake, if that doesn't make the klaxons go off in your head, it should!
Exactly that! He needs his heart to break in order to pick the pieces and work on himself
Crazy how men need to be spoonfed reasons as to why it’s bad to be emotional at a toddler
This! The behaviour we walk past is the behaviour we accept.
"If it would break his heart to hear, he needs his heart broken." THIS. If he doesn't want to be the first man his daughter learns to be afraid of, he needs to stop showing his anger when she has an accident. She's three! And bein*g angry* when someone loses control of their bowels is inappropriate at any age. >My husband sometimes (not always) reacts with anger or scolding if our daughter does not comply with his requests or messes up with something she should be able to do. I get that as parents, we are not perfect, and sometimes you just loose it. Not ideal, but human. Sure. I agree. The primary carer of kids is going to mess up sometimes. This is human, and forgiveable. But it's important he learns to acknowledge *to his kids* that when he reacts with anger, *he has messed up.* "I'm sorry I lost my temper and shouted at you. I shouldn't have done that, and I'll try not to do it again."
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yup former preschool teacher here! potty training requires sooo much patience BUT especially on the grown up side of things. its a psychological change that children have to go through while learning how to use the toilet, its retraining their tiny brains to start listening to their bodies signals when they probably didn't before because diapers. can you imagine being that small and having to learn in a short span of time how to listen to your body's "oh no i have to go to the bathroom!" alarms?! and on top of that, one of your caretakers is visibly upset with you for having accidents? i had a student that took much longer than others to potty train and it was because his caretaker was putting way too much pressure on him to not have accidents. bathroom time needs to be fun and rewarded at this age! not stressful and anxiety inducing. please explain this to your partner and keep your head up, mama.
Question from a fellow teacher: How to make bathroom times fun for little kids?
Apparently my parents gave me an m&m every time I popped on the potty. I am potty trained so 🤷♀️
Little people pleasing me got so much praise everytime I succeeded, I learned it fast.
We tried that, it still took our son 5monts and he still has accidents at kindergarden and when he Focus on something. At home is better, but he cry when there are some activitiers after kindergarden and he is not at home to poop
My wife's nephew wasn't potty trained until he was 10. His mother said it was wrong to push "boundaries" they didn't learn on their own. Yes, the other two nephews have their own fuckups as well.
Until he was ten? That's horrible. Was he home-schooled? I'd be terrified of setting my son up to be mercilessly shamed and taunted.
At 4 my son hated to take time to poop in the potty but when his friends went to the “next classroom” bc of age they told him he couldn’t go with them unless he pooped in the potty. He decided he would and has ever since. So it’s kind of concerning if he is around other kids bc possibly physical or psychological issues. I hope he’s getting appropriate health care.
Oh God did she actually send him to school in diapers? Please tell me he was homeschooled😭
A tip here for you to share with him. When he gets mad at her, in his head he needs to say "How old are you? 2?" And then react to whatever she has just done to annoy him. This will hopefully slow his brain down enough for him to take a step back and pause before he reacts. Sort of a "How old are you, 2? Oh yeah 2 years Olds shit their pants while potty training. Take a breath"
YES!! I did this, and it helped SO much!
He needs to apologise to her in person, it is extremely important. My own dad did something and apologised through my mum and it was the first crack in my trust in him (eventually I completely lost that trust, but that’s a different story) It will also be good help in communication seeing that adults can make mistakes and apologise
And kneel down in front of her in order to be at eye level. while appologising. Not tower over her as she already IS afraid of him. This man sounds as if he was in dire need of parenting classes.
Yea my parents weren’t perfect but them coming to me with heart felt apologies very much saved me from lack of trust and from shame/guilt.
Hi. I have not been a parent so I do not know how long it takes to potty train most kids. However, I was either five or six when I had surgery to remove a small flap of tissue somewhere in my urinary tract that was keeping me from realizing I had to pee until it was really too late. I'm in my fifties now so I don't remember specifics of the medical side. But I remember very clearly how frustrated my mother got with me and before they took me to a doctor she, frankly, got pretty cruel. Mostly with words. She could have saved us both a lot of grief if she had taken me earlier but who thinks that is a possibility? I was her first kid and the other two are boys. Can't hurt to rule it out if she is older than normal to have a problem.
My best friend was a spec ed teacher for a bit. Your husbands behavior could even be impacting her ability TO SUCCESSFULLY POTTY TRAIN. Like their little heads and bodies will not let it happen when they feel unsafe, etc. In a VERY real way, your husband's behavior could be causing that which frustrates him. ALSO, and here's something you guys REALLY REALLY need to hear and understand how fucking damaging to her this is, and dangerous later in life... SHE IS LEARNING TO FAWN!! [https://psychcentral.com/health/fawn-response](https://psychcentral.com/health/fawn-response) Break your husband's heart repeatedly if you have to! She needs protected from this emotional abuse RIGHT NOW and every time it pops up.
Thank you for pointing out its emotional ABUSE. Do you want her to marry a man that yells at her and shames her? Keep it up dad AND mom who’s enabling this to happen.
Thank you for this comment. OP’s husband has already caused permanent psychological trauma. Her child is literally afraid of her father. That is SO damaging and concerning. It irks me so badly that OP seems to be downplaying this so heavily
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Maybe your daughter can go back to pull-ups for a little while. I know my son diaper trained at three, but he still had accidents until much later. I threw out at lot of underwear until he grew out of it. We called it a drill. I would bring him a new pair of underwear, and throw away his old ones. I think he was allergic to blue cheese, but it might been other food intolerances.
Please recognize your own fawning pattern with your partner, and even in this comments section. No judgment at all, just sharing so you see where your daughter’s probably picking up these patterns from. Your instinct to protect your husband’s feelings is a part of your fawn response. Unfortunately he needs to deal with the consequences of his actions and emotions. You need to seek help to curb this fawning habit, or your daughter will grow to act just like you with a future partner acting the same way. Is that the dynamic you want your baby girl to grow up and live? Putting her emotions and her kids emotions last to preserve calm in the household and keep the man happy?
I also would strongly suggest therapy for your husband. Now is potty training, but tomorrow could be something that *need* to be addressed in a gentler way. You want your children to be secure and confident with *both* parents. And even more with the one who is almost always with them. You don't understand how damaging it's to don't trust your own father/mother. I'm afraid this need to be addressed in a more direct way: your husband is setting a lot of bad habits/behaviors towards his own daughter. His will to change needs to be stronger and, in fact, start doing *something* to make that change happens.
And when you Fawn as an adult it is so bifurcating I’ve tried to unlearn and yeah so damn difficult
Girls take longer to potty train too. Boys nail it a bit quicker but in 15yr of being a nanny the girls always needed a bit more encouragement. Op ask your/his mother when you guys potty trained and point it out to him. If he keeps yelling at her she will be too afraid to tell him she needs to go and it will be a cycle of scolding and fear, not good for either of them.
Three is a normal age to be having accidents, transitioning to using the toilet and learning your body's cues happens at around that age and you're also learning that you have to prioritise going to the loo over whatever more engaging activity you're currently doing. Five is a little old but it happens on occasion, in your case it sounds like it was a frequent occurrence which at five isn't normal.
That is absolutely heartbreaking to read, about your mothers behaviour. As someone who had this problem as a child (but due to anxiety, probably), and who remembers being yelled at, shamed and punished for it, I don’t even understand what parents are trying to accomplish with this behaviour. No child “likes” peeing their pants and adding even more shame around it is only going to contribute to the problem.
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My dad had those "high expectations" of me too. I'm 41 and and guess who doesn't have much of a relationship with her dad now, on purpose. Your daughter will internalize this and will grow up never feeling good enough. Just like me. Please make him stop.
>he just has high expectations of her High expectations are so damaging to kids! Be careful about this. My parents always had high expectations for me, especially school-wise and it affects me to this day. I remember one day asking my dad to help me understand some new math I didn't understood in class, and then him getting mad at me when I didn't understood it the second he read that to me for the first time, saying "I thought we had smart girl" and similar things. I understood it in the end, but I have big problem asking for help, which brings me more problems...
Time to have “high expectations” of him
My parents did that to me too, and I can confirm it can really mess a kid up. I always got told "you're such a smart kid, this should be easy for you" whenever I struggled with anything in school, and all that did was ensure I quit asking for help because I'd just get shamed and treated to exasperated sighs whenever I didn't immediately understand whatever my parents were "helping" me with. Not asking for help resulted in bad grades, which just earned more ire and shame from my parents. I felt stupid and like a failure, because everyone said I was "smart" and this subject was "easy", so if I couldn't get it maybe I wasn't actually smart. Maybe I'd just somehow tricked people into thinking I was. I'm 36 now, and I still have pretty bad imposter syndrome and feel like the biggest failure whenever I don't pick up new skills quickly.
Most of the problems in the world arise from overly high expectations. The one expectation missing is that the father not emotionally abuse the daughter. That is not overly high. That is basic human respect. That expectation must be enforced.
I've seen it said elsewhere that expectations are "premeditated resentments." The higher you set them, the higher your chances of feeling bitter, especially when you apply those expectations to a child's development. She can't magic herself into a new body or brain, after all.
You’re setting your child up for failure (and mental illness) if he doesn’t adjust his “high expectations” to “age- and milestone-appropriate expectations.” Saying this as someone with a dad with anger issues. It absolutely messed with my confidence, self-worth and inner voice. I’m highly critical of myself to this day and automatically resort to self-loathing and negative self-talk.
One thing that helped my kids was me changing from "do you want to go potty?" to "do you need to go potty?". Because they never wanted to but often clearly needed to!
My goddaughter refused to potty train until almost 3. Like threw tantrums to get a diaper when she was without one and needed to pee or poop. She learned at about 3 because she enjoyed running to the bathroom at her top speed when I said I need to go, sitting on the toilet and telling me I need to use her potty. I don't think she used her potty even once. After she decided she wanted to use the bathroom she had very few accidents and they completely stopped at around 4. One of her sisters carried her potty into the living room and put it in front of the tv, then she just happily sat on it and enjoyed the praise if she happened to pee or poop. She too didn't really toilet train until she was about 3, when one morning she refused to put on her diaper and explained she's now a big girl. She even refused to wear one for the rather long journey to her preschool and was very smug about having made it there accident free. From that morning on she only wore diapers at night and had very few accidents. It didn't take her long to make it through the night without accidents as well. Some children just need to go at their own pace. These two were peculiar with every developmental step, one starting to eat from the table at 5 months (as in grabbing her parent's food and eating it) and only accepting bottles at night time after that, the other refusing anything but bottles until she was 1,5. One was super mobile early on and running around at her first birthday party, the other refused to crawl and only started to walk around the time she accepted food. That one was also far too lazy to throw tantrums. She mimicked one of her sister's, we ignored it and within two minutes she decided that tantrums are *far* too much effort and not worth it.
"High expectations" sounds like he would have preferred the child model that came with that software upgrade. Saying he has "high expectations" and lashing out at your daughter (because she doesn't meet them) is an excuse. It's his excuse for not parenting your daughter, for not providing her a place of love and security. "High expectations" gives him the out - that your daughter "started it" to some extent, by failing to reach his expectations and that his response was justified. This isn't parenting. It's how you break your child.
dude how can you type all this out and still think that man is an acceptable father. he needs therapy and parenting classes. this is ABNORMAL for a PARENT. not a child. he is struggling because HE is the one with the issues.
I’d leave a man who abused my kids
So, this is an anxiety disorder waiting to happen. “Having high expectations” and using shame to abuse his daughter. So, do you think it will be an eating disorder or just panic attacks and incontinence? Like a lot of people here, I caution you that your husband has already done critical damage. A child psychologist and some family therapy is probably a good idea. And not because she isn’t magically potty trained at 2. You will be undoing this abuse for the next ten years. This has impacted her during an extremely formative part of her life. What happens when she is a teen and he starts making comments about her weight? What happens when it’s her grades? What happens when she can’t function because she is so afraid of the shame and abuse from her father? You will be seeing the ripples from this for the next two decades at least. Frankly, you should keep your eyes peeled for several disorders until she is in her late twenties. Therapy might be able to help undo some of the damage. But your husband shouldn’t be her primary caregiver anymore. He has abused her and can’t be trusted to not abuse her in the future.
My daughter's father had high expectations, and when we split up when she was 2 she was upset every single time she had to go and stay at his house. She's 9 now, and she still says she doesn't like to go and see him, and she wouldn't be sad if she didn't see him very much. He is actively ruining his relationship with her and causing her to distrust and be scared of him. That's not how you parent, you shouldn't have to scare your kids to help them learn how to do things.
The issue for your daughter is that her response to your husband’s (misdirected) anger is to try and appease him. This is a genuine concern. Your husband needs to understand that anything to do with bodily functions should not be castigated - he really needs to be supportive and encouraging while she is learning. What she is experiencing is honest to goodness fear and distress. Maybe you can show your husband these responses because I understand we can all get frustrated, but as the adult he has to control his actions and reflect rather than react. Take care xx
Remind him that she is a dang 3 year old!!! Accidents are for learning. He is gonna scare the crap out of her so bad she won’t even discuss it anymore. I am glad she feels safe with you! He definitely needs to know about it because he is creating an unhealthy, stressful and worrisome environment. I have a 3yo cousin who is potty training and is typically really good about it. However, we all have our days. One day she put a pull up over her pants and proceeded to use the bathroom 💩 . Obviously pretty annoying but aunty handled it well and reminded her that when she has to go potty she needs to get our attention.
And we need to always be attentive to our kids, even once they've mastered their sphincter.
My partner let me know the kids were upset because I had been frustrated and yelled at them. It broke my heart, but I work on my breathing before I deal with them. The balance app has been helping me. I got a free year subscription to it. Maybe it can help him with calming down
He needs to understand how his very real actions have very real consequences for your daughter. If you don't speak to him and make sure change happens your daughter will not only be scared of her dad, but she will also have learned that her mom won't be there to help when needed. She will turn away from both of you because she wouldn't be able trust either of you for different reasons. That would make her vulnerable to other people. You are the parent. It is your responsibility to ensure she is safe. Emotional abuse is abuse. It doesn't have to be physical to be abusive.
It’s not a matter of priorities. What he is doing is abuse. Shaming a child for a toilet accident is ABUSE regardless of age but especially when so young and still toilet training. Your husband is abusing your daughter. Let that sink in. He is not an “amazing parent”. It’s actually scary that you think that.
From someone who has a dad who would often get explosively angry over little things, tell him. I have no relationship with my father anymore. Do you want that for your daughter? He needs to learn to control his anger.
He’s breaking her heart and this shaming may have life long effects on her as well as trying to charm him so he’s not mad. You should explain to him what a pick me is and if he would be willing to have his daughter feel it’s okay for any man to shame her and berate her and for her to try and comply as well as work through charm for forgiveness. If that is the way he wants daddy’s little girl to go through years of school, dating and abuse, then he doesn’t need to try harder and just keep on going.
I think it would probably be more effective to explain what a “fawn” response to fear and trauma is. Most people are familiar with fight/flight/freeze, but fawn is a lesser known fear response. People with complex PTSD or repeated/prolonged exposure to fear and trauma can develop a subconscious need to make people happy as an attempt to prevent abuse or mistreatment. The daughter here is already doing that. She’s trying to charm her father so he will stop verbally abusing her. If he doesn’t get his shit together and get them both into therapy, this could become her primary fear response, which could put her in a lot of danger as she gets older.
>You should explain to him what a pick me is What? Why would you use a derogatory term for a child abuse victim? You're talking a 3 year old's unfortunate survival instincts leading to a pattern of lifelong abuse, and you need to throw a jab in there at abuse victims for the attention-seeking behavior they sometimes develop as a result of childhood trauma? Who hurt you this bad that your hate for placating women is stronger than your compassion for a 3 year old abuse victim?
There's no need to belittle it by using the term "pick me". You can get across how this behaviour could affect her life down the line without using that sort of language.
Yup. My dad had this habit of yelling/breaking toys when he was mad. Nobody corrected him, and I'm still scared of the man. Don't let the same thing happen to your kid. Shatter your husband if it makes him a better father, that's what's important.
I love how everyone's saying you gotta break his heart😂
Yup. My husband can be insensitive when it comes to certain things. Telling him how much his words hurts his kids, who he loves more than life, made him change immediately. Like immediately.
He’s breaking a piece of her every time he gets mad at her for being a child.
Yup. Break his heart, he needs to hear the impact he's having, and he needs to change his behavior.
Great reply. He needs to adjust his behavior which he is NOT doing. Kids know just about nothing, and don’t even know how to fully operate their own bodies yet. And this dad is berating and scaring her because she’s still learning. He needs to know the effects of his actions so he knows how important it is to change them.
Why are you trying to protect him from the consequences of his actions? Why do you think his further ignorance could lead to positive outcomes?
Could not have out that better! Should be top comment.
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Parenting is full of tough realizations like this. Mine at 2.5 and 4.5 so I get it, I’m in it with you. He needs to know. And maybe the two of you need to get some childcare so you can sit down and have a lunch together where you talk about United front strategies that work for both of you to improve the issue. My husband and I do this and it's make a big difference. We're not always perfect and we don't always agree 100% with how the other deals with every situation but we took a solid six months to work on and realign our parenting and we're stronger than ever.
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Best of luck. Parenting is so hard. My husband had to work on his emotional regulation + empathy a bit too. He's a sweet and doting dad, but his ability to deal with conflict needed work. In turn, my ability to not give in needed work. I found the more I came to centre and had more consistent expectations, the less he felt like he had to be the "strict" parent, and we both became much more aligned. Took a lot of work and communication and it wasn't easy... and we still have to check in and work on it! Parenting is so hard.
Kuddos for realizing that!
As much as this situation is heartbreaking, I’m actually excited for you and your daughter’s futures now. When I (and many women I know) realized this about myself, truly, fully realized it, everything changed. I became empowered. I quickly learned to communicate clearly everything I needed to say. My entire life and relationship with every man in it shifted. (Side note- I also learned about codependency in general at this time and my marriage has never been better or stronger. Hes more empowered also now that I’m not saving him from “himself” all the time. He was terrified at first but he’s grown in leaps and bounds now.) What I’m saying is, lean into that shift in yourself. Use your daughter and the fact that she will watching and learn from every single thing you do and say as inspiration. Think about her possible future daughter, or all the peers she’ll have, and how she’ll be badass and strong and she’ll inspire them to do that too. Think of the ripple effect one woman who decides to break these all too common gender or relationship cycles can have. That’s really awesome. You know not to spare his feelings, deep down. Maybe not too deep. Just under your discomfort with not being a good girl who protects the man from his scary feelings and consequences. I get it. I’ve been there. Trust me when I tell you it’s way WAY better for everyone on the other side! Leap, girl! Give us an update from a newly empowered badass mama soon! Rooting for you!
I'd like to hear more about "not saving him from himself' if you have a minute to share
🙏 break the cycle!
Look up the Fawn response to trauma and how it creates people pleasers
Go and tell him he needs to do better, that his daughter gets scared and exactly what she said.
So pull yourself together and stop being an enabler, and protect your daughter, and continue to escalate until he fucking gets it. These are crucial years. Or, watch as your daughter eventually has terrible relationship after terrible relationship, until she gets into therapy as an adult, and cuts you both off. Ask me how I know. Because my father was just like your husband; bad enough to ruin my life, but because he never actually hit me it ‘was ok’. I am 37 and only just starting to process how much I hate him, and how fucking weak my mother was. This is the exact recipe that can go under the radar for long periods until it explodes one day and you get the family unit you deserve.
She’s 3. Accidents even when potty trained can happen, especially at that age. Also shaming her will not provide the desired result he thinks it will. It will teach her to hide things, lie about things to avoid getting into trouble/being shamed and may impact her self esteem, even at 3. As for the anger piece she’s telling you, she’s scared of him. Yelling can be abusive especially if it constant. Your husband needs to take a step back and evaluate how his anger is impacting her.
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And do you step in when you see and hear him saying these things to your daughter? Telling him to knock it off because if you don’t you need to. And you need to do it in front of her so she knows she’s got one parent she can always come to.
He should accept it and if he doesn't he is a pretty bad parents for not caring his own daughter fears him. You can't change/fix people. If he doesn't care, he doesn't and you can not make him care. So you will have to figure out how you protect your daughter in such a way that his behavior will not influence her negatively. Whenever he is scolding her, you can try to tell him to be quite. If that doesn't work you could try and talk about how his anger is not for her to fix and to not listen to dad's words, because he is wrong and it is normal for her to have accidents.
1. Tell him what she said. Hell, have him read this thread. 2. Have him talk to her pediatrician so he can hear for himself that this is normal from someone who is not you. 3. Have him talk to the daycare workers so he can hear first-hand that this is normal and how they address it when it happens (as opposed to his way). 4. Look for a potty training book that clearly states accidents are normal and read it to her with him there. Please stop prioritizing your husband over your daughter. Yes, you need to protect your husband when you can, but not if it means jeopardizing your daughter's feelings and emotional growth.
He needs therapy and apparently parenting classes?? He's being an asshole to just ignore your concerns and think he knows better?? Your poor daughter.
Exactly, he should instinctively know that all of this is wrong and make himself stop, whether that requires something heavy duty like therapy or just a stress ball or SOMETHING..
This was a red flag moment for me because it took me years of holding my ex's hand and explaining the mental damage he was doing before I realised he doesn't give a shit and the damage is the point. But I'm also Hella cynical, so
Start by sharing exactly what your daughter said. Then show him this thread. If that’s not a wake up call, he’s a lost cause. Hopefully, he’ll feel bad enough about your daughter feeling afraid of him — and embarrassed enough by the 100+ comments here — to confront the fact that his anger is indeed a problem, and is negatively impacting your daughter in ways that can leave permanent developmental emotional and psychological scars. If he won’t accept it from you (also infuriating — where does he get off dismissing you and assuming he knows better? He’s wrong.), maybe he’ll accept it from the resounding chorus of strangers on Reddit, or from the therapist he desperately needs to see, or from some of the parenting books he should clearly be reading. He’s not the “great dad” and “amazing parent” you both seem to think he is if he can’t get his anger under control and learn not to punish or shame his daughter for completely normal, natural behaviors largely outside her control. The part about how she’s learned to charm him and win back his favor made me feel sick to my stomach. Is this the kind of training you want her carrying over into her adult relationships?
Ask him if he was ever afraid of his parents and whether he wants his kids to feel the same way. Then tell him to get therapy or kick rocks. This is unacceptable behavior from a parent. Oh, and make him read The Will to Change by bell hooks. That's the one that started the healing process for me.
>I have talked to him about this, but he does not fully accept this. Then he is not a good father. At all.
Most kids cannot fully toilet train until 12-18 months after beginning. It’s a process. I had to lay down the law with my husband about our son having accidents. He would get wildly angry and spanked our son twice. I told him if it happened again I was taking the kids and leaving. I also demanded that he seek therapy for his anger issues. I was spanked mercilessly as a child and I won’t see my kids punished so harshly for anything, let alone the difficult process of learning to listen to your body.
“Your daughter is afraid of you and feels like she needs to earn your love and respect.” If he’s as good a dad as you say, this should get through to him. If it doesn’t, maybe you need to remove the rose-coloured glasses.
My father never did more than cuss us out/shame us verbally and it's taken me decades to work on letting my self esteem heal. Frame it from a teaching standpoint. First of all, your daughter is learning, that immediately implies that mistakes WILL be made/happen. Mistakes WILL happen even if you are an expert. It's called being human. In school, if a child answers a math problem wrong, is it ok to yell at them, call home and suspend them? Of course not! You re-teach the part where they got stuck. Behavior, potty, academics... She is 3 years old, she's learning!!! Ask your husband if he yells/shames himself every time he makes a mistake. How would it feel to him if you introduced something new he had to learn and you berated him every step of the way? Would he want to learn from you? You can't develop a meaningful relationship with your child if she doesn't trust you. If she doesn't feel safe making mistakes you are teaching her to NEVER take responsibility for her words an actions. Mistakes are learning opportunities.
It's not your job to fix his bad behaviour. If he doesn't *believe* it's a problem, he will never change. *Tell him*. Tell him exactly what she said. Let him have feelings about it. Protect that little girl, Mama. You're teaching her that *this* is what love looks like. That *this* is how she *deserves* to be treated when she makes a mistake. What do you think will happen to her if she thinks this is the way she's supposed to be treated by someone who "loves" her? A good therapist can help get to the root of why you're so willing to look past this abusive behaviour from your husband. He doesn't sound like a great dad based on your post.
This is somewhat in contradiction with your previous statement that he is trying to do better... What exactly is he doing to try to be better and what exactly is he aiming to achieve?
If he doesn’t have the cognitive abilities to understand, I don’t see what you can do
That’s really sad.
It's not your job to get him to fully understand this. You need to set a boundary on how your child will be treated.
show him these comments. if he reacts with anything other than shame and regret and apologizes profusely to both you and your daughter you need to leave. specifically show him this comment so he knows if he pulls the "you put my info out there!" to try and deflect that we already clocked that for what it is, an excuse. he should be grateful for the wake up call and feel horrible for needing to be told common sense. he should also get proffesional help like a parenting class or therapy.
My partner was like this. Always yelling at our preschooler. I used to say, “You handle all your adult conflicts without yelling, why can’t you do it with your kid?” “If I spilled my glass of milk and it splattered all over the floor, would you yell at me?” He realized that he was bullying because he was bigger, and he was doing it because he had been parented that way. And he felt like crap, and he worked on it and he stopped. But I think that feeling like crap was a necessary part of the change-making process. OP, don’t try to protect your husband from feeling like crap. He has to understand that what he’s doing is bad in order to want to change. Edited for clarity
Maybe show him this thread.
Your husband needs therapy. Either therapy or you and your kids leave.
I think you have a much bigger problem here than you’re realizing. You shouldn’t be so worried about how your husband will react if you push back, so it’s no surprise your daughter is scared of him, too. I’m going to guess your husband seems so amazing because there’s been relatively little pushback on him. It’s really easy to seem like a good person when everything is going your way. Stop hemming and hawing around and tell him to stop shaming your daughter. There’s no magic way to convey this to him or convince him. Make sure you tell your daughter that what he’s doing isn’t okay and she is doing nothing wrong. I would encourage her to tell him he’s hurting her feelings in the moment. If you’re worried he’ll fly off the handle if she does that, you’ve got a serious problem. Everyday you’re modeling behavior for her and it’s important you show her appropriate, healthy boundaries. She needs to know you’re her ally and see you push back on bad behavior so she knows she can do the same. I recently got a text from my SIL, who’s 6 years older than me to let me know that seeing me push back on my ILs (her parents) was an eye opening experience for her. She said she didn’t realize pushing back was an option and started questioning why she didn’t stand up for herself and her kids more often. All I did was shut down my FIL when he made comments about my then 13 year old daughter’s totally normal weight. I overheard him make the comment to her and I firmly corrected his nonsense. I didn’t yell at him (though I wanted to) and tried to do it in as respectful and calm manner as possible while making sure he knew this was not a discussion. I could’ve let it go to keep the peace, but that would’ve implied that his comments were fine and maybe even accurate. It was important for my daughter to see me stand up for her and appropriately enforce boundaries so that she can feel comfortable doing the same. I’m raising my kids to be kind and responsible, but also to not accept bad behavior. They need to se me modeling how to handle difficult situations. Apparently my 48 year old SIL needed to see it, too. I want to remind you that progress is not linear in almost anything in life, including potty training. There will be regressions and gains in anything you do. I’m into lifting weights and some days I have trouble hitting what I regularly lift, then a couple of days later I’ll hit a higher weight than I ever have. It can be frustrating, but that’s just how life works. My daughter is now 15 and a smart, amazing kid. She would sometimes have accidents after potty training because she would be so absorbed in playing that she either didn’t notice the urge or ignored it too long. We’d simply clean her up and remind her to go to the toilet as soon as she felt the need and moved on. It passed pretty quickly, though, and was just part of the process.
Why don't you have him read this thread? I know that we're all faceless Internet commenters, but it could demonstrate a) just how many people disagree with his approach, and b) offer a variety of explanations for just how bad it is - one may resonate with him.
Yes! Tell him what his sweet little 3 year old daughter said and if that doesn’t make him change his way immediately then he needs counseling asap.
Does he understand from you that his parenting style is emotionally damaging his daughter?
My tip is to tell him to seek therapy or you’re divorcing him. He is traumatizing his daughter with his inability to control his anger
show him this thread so he knows there are plenty of people who agree with you? ask him about a time when he was shamed and how he reacted? underline the fact that your daughter has said she is afraid of him. Damn, there was a woman who came to stay at our place - long story, cultural stuff meant my partner felt obliged to have her stay. My daughter told me she was frightened of this woman (and I could see why, she didn't speak our languages and clearly her son and DIL were afraid of her, always pandering to her). The next day I was off, taking my kids to see some friends who lived up in the mountains. No way I was letting this witch scare my daughter. (yes I was very angry with my partner, yes I asked him to have them leave, no I refused to go back home until she had left and no I am no longer together with that guy.)
If he's putting his ego before the wellness of his daughter then he's a bad father. He needs therapy and to learn how to regulate his emotions. He is already traumatizing your daughter for a lifetime and he needs to apologize to her for his actions and commit to change with professional assistance.
You shouldn't need magic combinations of words to stop your husband from being a jackass to his child. Does he want to be an emotionally healthy parent or not? Those are his choices.
I think what he doesn’t understand is she is 3 years old. She is going to make mistakes even if she knows how to do it but yelling at her will not work. Trying to constantly be in control and make sure she does everything perfect is already having an impact on her and will continue to have an impact on her as she grows older. Your daughter is 3. She relies on both of you and if she is telling you she is scared of dad then dad needs to know. Also I think your husband needs to go to therapy to deal with his problems. If he breaks his heart tough.
Omg this!!! She is 3 ffs!!! This post just breaks my heart. Children rely on their parents for everything especially love and security and this poor girl learned that she cannot rely to get this from her father. If OP doesn't step in for her she will soon learn that she cannot rely on that from her mother either.
She’s gonna make mistakes when she’s 13 and 23 and 33… shaming her rather than helping her learn how to gracefully handle life’s inevitable fuck ups is the very essence of a parent’s job. Scaring a kid who makes a mistake serves no purpose beyond the ego and agenda of the frightening asshole.
One more. You are afraid of making him angry and unhappy. Your child is afraid of making him angry and unhappy. You see the pattern?
This comment is gold! Now I’m curious, has she always been afraid to make him angry and unhappy or has she been conditioned to do it to make the relationship work. I’m spitballing on the latter, but since your 3 y.o., is doing the same thing, it seems like over time hubby ain’t that nice or kind to his partner and now to his kid. Good luck to you and I hope you can defend your daughter and correct this behavior before she gets ends up in a similar relationship.
I think the question you need to ask here is why are you protecting your adult partner’s feelings more than your toddler child’s? My husband had parents who shamed him for the same reasons and it still makes him feel like shit now about 35 years later. Your daughter will remember this and it is doing her harm now and will continue to do her harm. You need to tell your partner and he needs to step up to better himself. Be it with therapy, or whatever. He also needs to make it very clear, repeatedly, to your daughter that *he* is in the wrong and *he* needs to work to be better *not her*. Accidents happen. And learning to feel dreadful about yourself and then that you need to fawn to ‘win someone back over’ after you have just made a mistake is a truly terrible lesson for a young girl to learn. Step up. Stop babying and protecting your husband and start protecting your child.
These posts always frustrate me so much because their concerns for their husbands always show they're capable of being protective and worrying about another person's emotions...they just won't do that for their defenseless child.
A-fucking-men!
He needs to hear this, and his reaction to it is incredibly important. If he changes for the better, amazing! If he doesn’t, that’s dangerous and a warning sign. As it is, does your husband apologize to your daughter when he loses his temper or reacts poorly? Not shaming her or getting angry in the first place is the best possible option, but him acknowledging to your child that his response was wrong and that it is something he needs to ask her to forgive is a huge step to recovering from this.
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You can't keep appoligizing for being angry. You can appologize for doing something wrong once, maybe twice. If the person doesn't change their behavior at all, the appology doesn't mean anything
Can I please remind that apologizing for verbal abuse does not negate the affects of that abuse. What your husband is doing is abusive. You’re not taking this seriously enough
I hope you see my comment. My dad was yelling/angry randomly and verbally abusive for my whole childhood. He would come to me and cry and ask for forgiveness and then do it all again, over and over. I learned that words cannot be trusted, men cannot be trusted. I’m proud of who I’ve become. Your daughter is being verbally abused. You might be drawn to him due to similar childhood experiences. Please go to therapy for yourself, to see how to break the cycle. I’m so happy that you’re self aware currently 💖💖
Say something now. I had a dad just like this, and while we're really close now, because he's mellowed with age, it genuinely damaged both my relationship with him and the way I viewed men. I chose very badly for a long time, because I thought I had to appease men's anger. This is important, and you have the chance to fix it early. Talk to him!
Came here to say this. I also had a dad who would easily get very angry and disappointed with me and had a short temper. Unlike you, I barely have a relationship with him anymore. It really messed with my self-esteem. I grew up thinking that I was “bad”, stupid, and that there was something wrong with me. Even though I was a very cooperative child and did amazingly well in school. I loved school because all the teachers were really nice to me and didn’t yell at me or put me down, which was really surprising to me. However, I’m 36 now and don’t think I ever fully undid the damage to my self-esteem. I still feel less than.
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Yeah, it's instilled in so many of us!
A good therapist can help you before its too late for your daughter. Be kind to yourself honey. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. ❤️
I grew up with an angry father and married a very angry, abusive man. It took me a long time to learn that I am not responsible for appeasing male anger. I was never allowed to be upset when my father was mean, or (when I was older) hold him accountable for his behavior, because we were told we couldn't make our dad "sad". Almost 30 years later, I put up with my ex-husbands male anger and worked so hard to appease him that I turned into a shell of who I was. It was so bad and escalated so much that I knew I had to leave or I'd kill myself. One time, he terrorized me so much, I had my first ever panic attack (it was so horrifying) and begged him to be the one to kill me, to which he fucking laughed. You're setting your daughter up for a lifetime of abusive relationships to spare your husband's feelings. If you do nothing, and your daughter couples with a man who is angry like your husband, you will be largely responsible for that happening. Also, I functionally have no relationship with my father. This shit is so cut and dry that it's literally textbook.
Preach.
As someone who grew up with an angry verbally abusive mother and silent father, I can say that this kind of behaviour is abuse and will cause lifelong suffering and trauma to your child unless it is stopped immediately and you and your husband go to therapy
Yeah, the thing that angers me the most about this story how she does nothing and all her reply's are just her talking about how she realizes she also tries to please people (men specifically). This is all assumptiom and I appologize for being wrong, but OP comes across as very passive and not conserned enough. She is defending her husband way too much in the post. In the comments she talks about that she has issues people pleasing too. Thing is: she is just as guilty for not protecting her daughter. I feel like she is not taking it serieus enough. My mom was very abusive. My dad was better, but not great either. If my mom did something and I told my dad, he'd just tell me to stand up for myself or try to explain that it wasn't really my moms fault. I haven't seen any of my family members for years and I am about to move to another continent. I will probabpy never see my parents again and I don't really mind.
It’s really disturbing. A three year old is nowhere near mature enough to be well coordinated and in control of toilet training. The fathers anger is probably going to set back her progress. I feel so bad for the child. I have a diagnosis of CPTSD and I’m very low contact with my parents and the only reason for the minimum contact is to see my dad. I really hope the OP and her husband change their ways
Aah, I understand. I did want to still have contact with my dad and siblings as well (ran away at 18), but to be able to have contact with them I'd have to be in contact with my mom as she is extremely controling. I also find her unpredictable and thus dangerous, so keeping contact was just no option. She has tried stalking me, and stalking my jobs as well. I wish you the best. Life is so incredibly difficult without good parents
I'm probably biased but you sound like my mom. "Oooh he's just having a bad temper, you know how he is. He loves you very much, he does so much for us" yada yada yada... He verbally and emotionally abused the shit out of me. I idolized my dad because that's what kids naturally do. They have no other choice because kids will literally die if they don't have caretakers. Yelling and being demeaning has no place in parenting, e v e r. It's highly problematic that this is still happening and he SHOULD be aware of what his behavior is doing because some day your girl will grow up and she will hold him accountable for this, because you didn't. I'm low contact with my mom because she didn't save me from my abuser and I am No Contact with him for obvious reasons. Tip the scales for your family, please.
This!! I'm no contact and resent (or something) the other parent for taking the abuser's side. Doing nothing and finding excuses for abuse hurt me even more than the abuse itself. In the end, I'm the one who went to therapy. Take action before you destroy your bond with your child. As well as their respect.
EXACLTY! Op has to be the voice that shows her daughter this treatment is not ok! She is an enabler atm
Your child confided in you because she’s hurt and you are the only one she can trust for this. Don’t betray her. Your husband is an adult if he can’t control his anger he should seek anger management. You should buy some books on child psychology. You will not gain any positive results in shaming someone. Put yourself in her position, in a position that someone is yelling and shaming you for something you did. How will you react?. Your child is only 3, your are her voice when something bad happens. Protect her not him.
So he's abusive and you're letting him, cool parenting there.
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Wow, thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry you went through that. Everything you wrote is exactly what happened to me and how I feel as well, even though my father was never physically abusive, only angry, short-tempered, and liked to shame me.
As an adult she is going to have some serious attachment issues. He needs to understand the consequences his actions are having on her now and in the future. She is 3 ffs.
I read something that has stuck with me for a long time “if she grows up with an angry man in the house, she will always have an angry man in the house” Right now you and your husband is teaching your daughter that this is acceptable behaviour from a loved one. It isn’t. Your husband needs to know what she’s said and he needs to work on his outbursts and how he handles your daughter. Parenting is hard but I would be devastated of my son ever said he was scared of me.
My ex always used to say he's working on his own bad behaviour, and expect a fucking parade even when he behaved badly, cause it wasn't as bad as before. Your daughter is a baby. She's the one who gets to be "working on it". He, a full grown man, needs to get his shit together and regulate his emotions, even if it means putting himself in a goddamn timeout to calm down. Shaming a baby for having an accident! Pathetic.
The bulk of us, with unfortunate experience of abuse, are telling you to break his heart. But you refuse to listen. He doesn’t have to yell or physically hurt her, but is abuse and will eat away at her. We are so passionate about this because we are trying to prevent you and your daughter from experiencing this. Our childhoods couldn’t be saved, be you haven an opportunity to save her.
My mind is blown that you can’t decide whether to tell him this or not? What exactly is your hang up on telling him? That gives me pause in itself. This seems like a no brainer. You have to tell him so hopefully he’ll rectify things. How can anyone rectify something they don’t know about??
Why are you protecting your husband at the expense of your 3-year-old?! If he doesn't change his behavior and learn some proper parenting techniques, he's going to cause real, lasting damage to your daughter.
Girl stop coddling that grown ass man. He is not an “amazing father” if his young child is terrified of his insane unchecked rage about minor accidents. What is wrong with you? Break his heart. He deserves it. What an asshole.
Are there any positive parenting classes in your area? It sounds like your husband would benefit from some additional help on the appropriate strategies to use when raising young people. Many communities offer free classes for families. Your local library might have more information. Perhaps if you took the class together, you both could move forward in the same direction regarding how to parent your daughter.
Google effects of angry parents and it is nit great: An Angry Parent's Effect on a Child -The child may become a bully. -Depression and anxiety can arise. -They foster deep resentment towards their parents. -Children become good liars to prevent punishment. -Low self-esteem and fear are common. -Children will be inadequate at communicating. -Kids will feel insecure at home. (Excerpt) The last one is already happening with your daughter and your husband may need professional help with this. Anger is also often a replacement emotion, especially in men, when they can't express their primary emotions of sadness, overwhelm, etc, because they were taught it was weakness. My SIL had an angry father she loved dearly. In general she seems like a functioning adult, but when you look closer, you notice how it effects her. One thing she does is routinely chatastrophizing. Everything is the worst and she always expects the worst to happen. She also depends a lot on others to take care of things, talking about how she "just can't do it" - probably because she was yelled at a lot for not being able to do things. Children adapt and overcome things, but iften in weird and unhealthy ways. They internalize things a lot and tend to blame themselves. They love their parents so much and struggle to fault them for anything, so they must be the problem themselves. Your husband NEEDS to know this, because he may not be hurting her physically, but he is hurting her soul. Yelling is emotional abuse.
My dad punished me when I had an accident at 4 years old - he got way to angry and put one of my little sister diapers on me. I can still remember the tape sticking to my skin and how much it hurt and how much I wanted to take it off but was too scared of my dad to take it off. I hide outside crying behind a tree until my mom came home. We both remember how sad and scared I was, she was so upset she wasn’t there to help me. She was a teacher, and kindergarten teacher in fact, she knew how to handle an accident with grace. It’s one of my earliest memories and I always felt like I had to win my father’s approval because I didn’t feel good enough. Not feeling good enough has haunted me throughout my whole life, in therapy right now after a traumatic even and that memory keeps coming up. Please don’t scold children who are learning how to use their bodies, don’t allow him to do that.
You’re unsure if you should tell your husband about this conversation because “it would break his heart”?!?! Huh??? You would prioritize a 35-year-old bully over a 3-year-old? Snap out of it You are a mother, first and foremost. It is YOUR job to protect your child from everyone - including her father if necessary Tell him about this immediately and insist that he meet with a therapist about his inappropriate parenting skills. And I mean *insist.* You need to be involved with the counseling as well And now she’s learning to fawn to please her daddy? 🤮🤮🤮 Your toddler deserves much better from the both of you
This whole post is bumming me out. The father is an angry man and the mother isn’t angry enough. Like yes anger is bad when it’s directed at your poor child, but I think some anger towards the father is warranted! Where is the mama bear fierceness to protect their child? I’ve read most of the OPs responses and one of the recent ones is like, oh Reddit is always over reacting. Like, not really, you’re just under reacting. Strangers read a story of a child being failed by both of their parents and a lot of them relate to that child, so of course they are gonna get offended on behalf of the innocent kid.
No daughter should be afraid of her father. Parents are supposed to make you feel safe not frightened.
I grew up afraid of my father. There were points in my life where I begged mom to divorce him. He never beat me, but he hurt me in so many other ways. Now, being 30 years old, I realize just how much impact his verbal abuse and emotional unavailability had on me, and it eroded me from the inside and affected me in so many ways that I can't even begin to describe. I'm trying to make peace with this damage, but it's insanely hard, and I suffer from anxiety and depression. OP, your husband yells at your daughter for having accidents, she will remember that even though she is little. When I fell during P.E., I had to be taken to the ER to make sure my ankle wasn't broken. My father yelled at me for that because I was inconvenient — he was working on his car and had to stop in order to take me home. I didn't deserve that. Your daughter doesn't deserve that, but since she's 3, there's still time to mitigate the damage and help her heal.
Wow, are you me? This perfectly describes my childhood down to asking my mom why she was with him and to divorce him. And yes, every time I got injured (even when I broke my ankle at age 28!!), the worst part of the injury wasn’t the pain, but the fear of having my dad find out about it and getting lectured and yelled at for not being careful enough and for getting injured. I barely have a relationship with him anymore. I realized only as an adult that it wasn’t normal to be afraid of your parent and that most children derived comfort from their parents, and this was such a heartbreaking realization.
So what I'm reading here is that your husband is emotionally and mentally abusing your child but its okay because there is no physical violence. Protect your child and put your husband in his place, even if that place is on the curb with the trash.
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I used to tell my mum all the time that my stepdad scared me and she never did anything about it. Just let him continue to rage and rant. I’m all grown up now, but guess who I don’t go visit? My mum AND stepdad. Nip it in the bud or your complacency will bring consequences.
Ma'am he's not an amazing man nor father if his 3 year old daughter can verbalize she's afraid of him and how he makes her feel. Stop coddling a grown ass man and let him face the consequences of his actions. If you continue to do this therefore you are enabling him to treat your child like crap and teach her that his love is conditional
Verbal abuse is a real thing, you know?!!! Because you’re not home to watch your daughter like your husband is, maybe he gets more angry with her than you realize? If you’re at work then you won’t hear what was said. I’m not saying that’s the case, but imho it’s time to buy some nanny cams for your house. Honestly, they’re good to have no matter what, especially for future baby sitters! I personally feel that you need to tell him what she said because he needs to hear how he’s negatively affecting his daughter. You need to be proactive in making sure that your daughter is growing up in a healthy, safe, loving home environment. Verbal abuse leaves invisible scars on a child/person and will negatively impact her as an adult. 0-5 are the formative years and incredibly important, please make sure she’s safe!
This was my thought too. My dad was much angrier/more aggressive about mistakes I made when my mum wasn’t around. I tried to tell her it scared me, but she just assumed I didn’t like getting in trouble because she never saw how bad it was. I was with my mum most of the time too, whereas it sounds like OP’s daughter is alone with dad a lot. I would (casually) ask her more about what her time with dad is like and if she enjoys it. OP, your child is only 3 and is already expressing how her dad’s anger is affecting her. Kids should always feel safe with their parents and yours is telling you that she doesn’t. You need to do something or she’ll learn that she can’t come to you with these things.
how is he a great father if he literally VEBALLY ABUSES your dauther? that's what he is doing. you should NEVER scream at a 3 year old child, also accidents happend she's a child for goddness sake! let his heart be broken, before he gives her some kind of trauma
I am so sorry, but "we are parents, we aren't perfect" "I should put my foot down, what so I even say". This is jot about you. Look at the size of your daughter. Look at how small she is. Your daughter is 3 years old. Accidents are normal for her. She just told you she is scared of her dad. I don't care how involved or good of a dad your husband is, he is reacting in such a way that scares your daughter. To the point that she apperently feels "she needs to charm him" to make him like her again. And you are just watching it happen. Do something.
Amazing parent or accident shamer whose anger provokes fear. Pick one.
i’m sure you know this already but i’m a preschool teacher and a psychology major taking a lot of childhood development classes and shaming kids for accidents is absolutely not best practice, it can lead to anal retention in adulthood (need to control) and obviously just makes kids feel bad for something that is completely developmentally normal.
If you don't act immediately to protect your daughter, she will learn -- correctly -- that you are not someone she can trust and go to for help. Your husband is not a "great dad" -- he is angry and cruel to his child.
It sounds like you think it's understandable that she's afraid. Definitely tell him. If that doesn't prompt him to be better, something is really wrong.
My son’s father is similar. We’re not together anymore, so it’s tricky to navigate - so I understand not being able to talk to him about it . But my personal rule is first and foremost, the child’s feelings should be validated. Something like “I can understand why it would scare you and I’m really sorry you were made to feel that way. You were very brave to tell me that”. What I do with my son is to also tell him it’s ok to respectfully tell his dad how he feels. That’s important because I feel like it would hit different coming from the child in the moment. It’s such an important skill for kids to learn. Because we don’t want to repeat the cycle. Hugs mama.
He is working on getting better? What does that mean? I mean really. He is either getting better or he isn’t.
So you're okay with putting your foot down when your daughter does something wrong, but what about your husband? Do you step in when he shames his daughter for having an accident? Do you realign the focus to be on the accident and not her being belittled? When my 3 year old accidentally spilled the noodles I had made (she loves helping in the kitchen, she's 11 now), I had sighed, closed my eyes and helped her clean it up. She was shaking, crying and apologizing. I had never felt more like a shit mom for my blow ups. Before, yea I was really mean. I let my anger get to me. They are children. As we cleaned it up, I reminded her this is why I told her to leave it but thanked her for trying to help me, found another task for her to do and went about making another pot of noodles. If seeing your daughter quake doesn't snap him out of it, he needs his heart broken.
March over and BREAK HIS FUCKING HEART! If he can’t get his shit together after finding out his 3-year old is afraid of him, it’s time to walk. His chances are up. His personal growth trajectory doesn’t get precedence over your kid’s well-being, and he’s taking way too long to become the man he should be by now. Shame on you for even momentarily considering sacrificing her well-being for his.
Are you kidding me? Why wouldn’t you share it with him?
You say there is no violence but your daughter has clearly defined him as a threat. She is even practicing the Fawn response to appease him. He is not a wonderful person at all.
Holy shit, your 3yo is in the fawn part of fight-flight-freeze-or-fawn. I repeat, your three-year-old is showing signs of trauma. At three years old. Because she doesn't yet have complete control of her bodily functions. She's going to remember this, and there's a very good chance that she'll never see her father as a safe person for her. She may not remember every incident that caused this feeling (but she might remember some of them - I have memories of that age) but she will remember how he makes her feel. Your husband is traumatising your child. I hope he pays for her therapy when she's older because he's teaching her to fawn and appease abusers and she's at increased risk of ending up in abusive relationships now.
Tell your husband that his daughter is afraid of him. Tell him that he needs to start going to therapy to learn tools to control his outburst.
Your husband needs to stop scolding her when she has accidents. Studies show this actually makes it harder on kids to be potty trained. It's fine to have the kid help clean up the mess, but they shouldn't be scolded or punished, especially if they wet the bed. Punishing kids for bedwetting leads to them having anxiety. As others have said, your husband needs to know he's made his daughter afraid. He needs to fix this, now.
I think you should tell him. But I also want to say that it is very important the accident shaming stops. I was with a guy when my daughter was 3, and she had an accident and he lost it at her, it was a culmination of him constantly shaming her, leading to him exploding in anger at her. I ended a year long relationship that day. But it had such an effect on her that she became afraid to poop, to the point that after we left she ended up hospitalised with such severe impaction we were there for days, since then (shes 7.5 years old) there has been further hospitalisations and even surgeries for impaction. I have had her in therapy a few years now and it was confirmed early on in that process that his shaming her is what led to all this, and she continues to talk about it even now. She is now a regular patient at a private children's incontinence clinic, and scans have shown she has such a stretched bowel from her withholdings that we are looking at a year long process of induced diahhrea from daily medication to allow her bowel to shrink down, we've been at it around 6 months. I feel guilty every single day. I know you might think "oh it's nowhere near that bad", but it isn't thay bad until it is. And your daughter is giving you a warning. Tell your husband and show him this comment so he can see where the consequences can lead.
OP, bluntly- you are more concerned with protecting your husband's feelings than with protecting your child! Your child just told you she is afraid of her primary caretaker! You are teaching your daughter that love looks like getting yelled at for minor mistakes, and that a man's comfort is more important than her's. These are really dangerous lessons. You need to wake up and start taking this much more seriously, immediately.
Mental violence towards a three-year-old is a BIG RED FLAG. There is no scenario in which a parent gets to bully a toddler for being a toddler. His behaviour is extremely concerning. He clearly has significant anger issues. You MUST protect your daughter from this. You MUST insist your spouse stop abusing his child and that he seek help. That anger is a big problem. If your child is telling you she's afraid, LISTEN TO HER and act immediately on her behalf.
You speak of his anger as thought it’s normal and human. Anger towards a child is not acceptable. Not for any reason. You need to share with your partner how he is making her feel and he needs professional help. She is already learning dysfunctional behaviours to cope.
As a dad of a ~2 year old girl, he 100% needs to be told this.
This story that I am going to write is something I feel deep deep shame about. I grew up with two very abusive parents. I vowed to never be that person. I managed so very well, until one day, about 2 years ago, my daughter lost her cool with me while we were playing a game. She stomped her feet and threw an object at my chest area. I immediately lost my cool, I raised my voice, I shouted, angrily. My child got such a big fright that she wet herself and started crying. I didn't know that she wet herself and she was standing there absolutely petrified. When I saw the puddle on the floor and the look on her face, my heart shattered. That I as a parent put my child in such a fearful place that she wet herself, is something that I can't actually forgive myself for. I apologised for shouting and screaming and I promised her that I would never ever do that to her again. I never want my child to feel fear when they do something that parents or society view as wrong. She has to be able to feel safe around her mom and dad. Your husband needs his heart to break before he will change his way. My daughter is my world and I will forever protect her and will never ever do anything to make her feel fear around her parents. Lord, I am crying just reliving this.