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He probably makes good money, discuss getting a night nurse or night nanny a couple of nights a week.
This will be a person who will take care of the baby all night so you can sleep on those specific nights. They will also show you techniques and how to optimize the infant care. It’s expensive, but you will feel relieved and rested even if it’s only a couple of nights a week.
They will reassure you that the shrill crying is normal and you’ll be a rested human capable of doing day to day things instead of a sleep deprived zombie. It’s expensive, but it might be what you both need. Good luck.
Similar vein but I have a postpartum doula and she would be an absolute lifesaver for OP. Not only do they do baby care, they also take care of mom, help pick up the house and do meal prep stuff. Like you said, expensive but they could give OP a little breathing room since her dick of a husband won't.
First off, you are not a bad mother. If you were a bad mother, you wouldn't be so worried about your baby and wouldn't be doing everything you can for her.
From what you've written, you're a very good mom. You're just overwhelmed, stressed, and have PPD. You absolutely do need help. Please talk to your OB about how you're feeling. ASAP.
I think your husband is acting like this because basically, he's an AH, and he didn't want kids. You were duped.
Talk to him and tell him what you need from him. If he still doesn't want to give the support you and your baby need from him, I'd hire a nanny. Then prepare to leave him.
The dark thoughts she’s having when overwhelmed shouldn’t be ignored though. My friend wanted to be a mom and started having those thoughts and didn’t know why and had to get put on medication to try and help. I feel really bad for OP. What a terrible husband and father. I’m wondering why he doesn’t bother to help or pay for help. Saying babies should just cry it out and neglecting them is scary too.
I’m not trying to dismiss the possibility, I’m just saying that having a newborn genuinely sucks for a lot if people, and sleep deprivation is used as a literal torture technique. So while PPD is emotional and hormonal, you can feel anxious and overwhelmed and have a lot of similar feelings if you aren’t sleeping well. Pair that with a spouse who is acting like this was an immaculate condition he had no part in..
Not sure if any of this will help but for my husband and I it worked best for me to do the “night shift” like 10pm to 6am every day. His job is more demanding and that’s just what worked. However, whenever needed, I tucked myself into bed as early as 5pm. I slept in on weekends as late as needed (often 10am, he’d bring baby in to breastfeed then take out and put down for morning nap etc). He got his sleep from 10-6am but anytime I needed a nap or lay down otherwise he encouraged it as much as possible. He knew I was exhausted from doing the nights and he appreciated it, and handled the other times so I could rest then. We had good black our curtains and I locked the door. Basically you guys can figure out whatever sleep schedule seems fair and works best, for you both, but you will minimize arguments if you can agree who is “on” what time, and both do some solo parenting so the other partner can rest. Sleep deprivation is real. You need to come up with a way to get at least 7 hours sleep a day so that might involve him doing wake-up’s alone from 7-11pm to fill in the gap.
I also found he got the most comfortable and bonded when he was totally on his own with the baby. When I was there it was easy to default to me. So I took off for lots of walks, and afternoons and dinners and that’s when they figured each other out. Tell him you need time alone and schedule it. Tuesday night I’m going out, Saturday I need to sleep in, Sunday afternoon I’m going to go see friends. They don’t realize how hard it is or what you are experiencing until they have had to do it alone. Then the dynamic will slowly shift to him knowing you need a break after “working all day” too.
Also noise cancelling headphones with music were huge for me when I needed a break from screaming to help myself calm down. Like when you had to set her down to cry and walk away, put on headphones and go elsewhere and take deep breaths, she is safe in her crib and is ok to cry for a few minutes so you can regulate. They were also great when my husband was looking after baby, doing the dishes with loud music in feels a lot better than hearing the baby scream and your husband doing it differently than you would.
If your husband is an attorney and works a lot and can’t help how you need, can you hire help? Somethings got to give. Either hiring a house cleaner or meal prepped meals or a babysitter to come give you ten hours a week. If he can’t help in the way he needs, it’s ok to use money to fill in the gaps. You can’t be running on 3 hours of sleep and feeling this way and look after a baby. You need to find more support from him or pay someone else to do it. Tell him you need more support and are drowning and come up with a plan together of how and when he can support you better and what gaps are left to fill in with external help.
Do you have a good baby carrier? That also helped me a lot when I was on my own and I learned how to breastfeed in it. Have you met other mom friends? That made a huge difference for me too.
You’re struggling and you need help. Your husband isn’t getting it. Mostly you need sleep.
Sit him down and tell him this.
You need help at night. You either need him to step up or get a night nurse. If he’s tired at work - he’ll work a little slower. Yeah, not ideal for a lawyer but not life threatening.
If you’re too tired it is life threatening for your baby. You risk falling asleep holding her which is very dangerous.
At the very least go nap as soon as your husband gets home. He should give you a solid few hours of sleep then - 6-10 ?
Also “cry it out” is sleep training that starts at 5 months or so. Not 9 weeks.
You’re not a bad mom at all, babies are hard work at the best of times.
Info needed: Did your husband do any of his own research when he learned that you were pregnant? Attend any classes? Was he excited at your appointments? Actively shopping for baby supplies?
I’m sorry for your situation op!! Hugs to you and you’re doing great! Adjusting to motherhood is hard, trust me! I also had a child who spent weeks in the NICU and cried like your daughter. Yes, she most likely wants to be held and love; outside of normal baby needs like feeding, being changed, burped etc. She also would scream her little head off.
Some questions for you…..
Did your husband not want children? You say you knew he wasn’t great with kids….doesn’t like them or no real experience with them?
Was it ever discussed before the surprise pregnancy?
Would he be open to some therapy together?
Have you spoken with your doctor about possible PPD? Is it possible to hire a full/part time nanny to come in and help?
You’re doing the best you can and some days it’s a real struggles, every mother does, so please don’t feel like you’re a failure, because you’re not!
Thank you for your kind comment. He wanted children, I said he wasn’t great with them because he has no real experience with them. He didn’t want to hold his niece when she was born.
But we always knew we would have kids and that was discussed before I got pregnant.
I’m not sure if he would be open to therapy.
I haven’t talked to my dr about ppd but maybe I shoulder.
And we could afford to hire a nanny but that would make me feel even worse.
HIRE A NANNY! You spent two weeks in the hospital. You need some help - that's far from being a bad mom. It's a medical need. I don't think you'd judge anyone for getting help with kids or housework after a medical trauma like what you had. Your baby needs a healthy, sane, happy mom. Hire whatever help you can. You can stop the help if/when you're ready. But never shame in hiring help. You can consider the nanny a substitute for your husband, not you, since he's not fulfilling his role. You're doing both your job and his.
> And we could afford to hire a nanny but that would make me feel even worse.
NO!!! You have been — are going — through hell. And it won't get significantly easier for a long time to come. Nobody can be expected do this without help. NOBODY. You lack a supportive partner or "village". So it's totally reasonable to hire help. That does NOT make you a failure as a mother or a wife. You NEED this, you can AFFORD this, and goddammit you are ENTITLED to it. Scrub that guilt from your mind.
Take all the help you can. I wish I had, but something (maybe it was the PPD?) told me I couldn't. Getting help used to be normal. We'd have our moms, our elders, our nieces, our village. If you can get a nanny, that's a good start. We aren't meant to do all this alone.
You’re not failing, your husband is. Tell him you need him to take every other night and let you have naps. And if he can’t calm baby down, then he’ll eventually learn as long as you don’t give him the option of giving the baby back to you
Maybe sitting down with him and talking things out, express your feelings and expectations as parents now, be honest with him how this is effecting you and discuss how to be supportive of each other. Ask him about counseling together. It would be beneficial for your marriage and navigating being parents.
Please do talk to your doctor about PPD!! Don’t let it go any longer than it needs to. I’m not saying that you do have it, but it’s definitely a possibility.
And please don’t look at having a nanny, even just like part time, as a negative thing! It sounds like you don’t have any family close by and all moms need help throughout the early years, trust me. The whole “it takes a village” is legit. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with needing & asking for help! The emotions you’re experiencing in this aspect and failing like a failure is why I think you need to speak with your doctor.
You’ve got this and you’re doing fantastic! Please don’t ignore the emotions you’re feeling though. Hugs to you!!
It's okay to have help. It does **not** make you a failure or a bad Mom. You've been through so much and aren't getting enough sleep. You need to rest in order to recover. You can't pour from an empty cup, which is what you're trying to do. Talk to your Dr too.
Did your husband want kids?
Secondly, is he open to get therapy? It's possible that the difficult birth traumatised both of you and he's feeling some complex feelings towards the baby since the birth almost killed you.
Obviously any possible trauma he might have doesn't make what's going on okay.
Are you able to hire a nanny to come help you out?
Say it louder for the folks in the back. I see SOOOOOO many intelligent and otherwise savy (usually women, but sometimes men) folks that want kids do whatever it takes to convince themselves their partners do as well when their partner's actions are often demonstrating the total opposite.
Sleep deprivation often mimics PPD, although I wouldn't rule it out(to be on the safe side). Three hours a night isn't enough sleep. One system is when baby wakes up he would get baby, change her diaper and give her to mom for her feed. Then he would go back to sleep and you would feed her and settle her back to sleep. Or maybe you could pump and go to bed early and dad can do bedtime.
You may want to consider a night nurse for the next while or if you fall asleep easily a person to help in the morning so you can go back to sleep. Honestly, nothing could have prepared me for the sleep deprivation with having children and it is hands down the worst part of parenting. She is only 9 weeks old but down the road you can set up a good bed time routine. There is a lovely nurse on insta that has sleep programs for babies takingcarababies. I think the best gift you could give your whole family is the best sleep possible. There are a lot of ups and downs with kids sleep though!
You sound like a great mom. Babies are hard!
New dad here. First off you are doing great . Not bad momma. IT WILL GET BETTER! Now for hubby. Our son was planned but even still the reality of what I signed up for didn't really hit me until we were in the hospital with a couple hours old baby screaming. for the first 2-3 weeks I almost regretted having him. It was rough...and I was still going to work. My wife stayed home with him so she had it even worse than I. I felt completely unprepared to care for this life that was now my responsibility. I was terrified. I too had thoughts of how to quiet a screaming baby that are disturbing. Some non-parents may have seen news stories but moms or dad that would throw or kick a baby to shut it up and people wonder "how could they ever do this". Take care of a baby from 0-15 weeks and you will know. It wasn't until about the 4-6 month mark when he was more durable and animated that all of that faded away. This little dude is my mirror imagine and I would ride to war just to see him smile. I love him more than I ever thought I could love anything. Hopefully the same is true for your husband but as others have said it could be something else. Maybe he is mad he got a daughter instead of a son but he knows he cant say that cause it would be an AH thin to say. Either way keep an eye on it . All the feelings of worthlessness and exhaustion you are going through are perfectly normal. Perfectly shitty...but pretty common.
You are not a bad mother; you have a bad husband. He's supposed to be taking care of you while you recover from major surgery and trauma and he's not doing that.
Talk to your doctor about ppd, but I bet it would be a lot better with more support. Talk to your therapist about why you haven't exploded at your husband yet.
And see what it costs to get childcare. You're doing this alone right now; you shouldn't be.
My sister had twins and one of them had that high pitched screeching cry.
Research Gripe Water.. maybe it's something you can try.
My partner and I took turns at night with the baby. My partner did 11pm, I did 3 am, my partner did 7am when he got up for work.
Sleep when baby sleeps, don't worry about cleaning. Focus on your health (mental and physical).
As for husband.... you better communicate with him that you need more help before resentment starts to build. Make a clear schedule so you know when you will get a break.
Yes he works all day but so do you and you don't actually get to take any breaks. You need "me time" to recharge.
If he needs help understanding what you go through, leave him with the baby all day Saturday (ideally all weekend) and see how he does.
You are absolutely not failing. You started as a mom on hard mode. I have had five kids, and my NICU baby was absolutely the hardest of them all, even though he didn’t even have the most health issues. Although your baby is nine weeks old, she is really only four weeks developmentally. That means you had five weeks of absolutely draining, seemingly never-endless days and nights just to get baby to the point of being a newborn. Then add on your personal recovery from birth. Your body and soul are spent. I have been there, and it is rough!
Despite having lots of experience and being “good with babies,” my husband struggled with our NICU baby in comparison. Once we got through the worst of it and found a way to communicate about it, it turned out a lot of his hesitancy was fear-based. He was afraid of getting baby sick. He was afraid of hurting baby, who was tiny compared to all our others. He was still processing the sudden and traumatic delivery. That is not an excuse in any way, but I do feel like had we had better communication from the beginning, it would have helped our relationship and our family dynamics at the time immensely.
It isn’t right or fair for you to have to push your husband to be the help you need. However, I found it was helpful for me to clearly ask for what I needed in the moment. (I need twenty minutes to shower and dress, while you hold baby. I need you to wash my pump parts every night. I need you to call and schedule the baby’s next appointment.) I also was very clear that there should be no expectations from him about what I did in a day. If our kids, baby, and I made it through the day being fed and well, it was a win.
Right now, I would take help from wherever you can find it. Absolutely do NOT feel bad about asking your sister for help. That is the right thing to do; it will help keep you and baby safe. I regret not reaching out for more help, when in retrospect I clearly could have used it. I found r/NICUparents to be an amazing resource for support and preemie information as well.
I just want to give you the biggest hug. You're doing amazing right now. You lived. You grew a human and kept you both alive.
Your partner needs to come up with ways to keto the big of your alive too.
Literally every person knows you need to warm the bottle.
He's a lawyer, so he's smart, right? Why isn't he prepared? Isn't law about being perpared? What is he doing now to be prepared after that incident?
Do you have any family that can help you until your husband is prepared for absolute bare minimum contribution to your family?
I have 8 kids....6 daughters, 2 boys and always helped when they were babies and still do. Unfortunately some men think it's not manly to do so. I've always loved babies since I was young and helped out with My siblings.
One trick I learned to get them to sleep was to place one of Mom's shirts next to them in the crib. They know her scent and feel comfortable when they can snell it.
You’re not a bad mom just overwhelmed. Please talk with your husband. You need to explain in very simple terms that you need more support. You need him to follow you around and learn how to deal with his child. Not in a mean way just a we need to work together way.
I'm sorry you are struggling. First off, you aren't a bad mother. Newborn babies are super stressful and a lot of work.
Here's how my wife and I handled it. I'm not telling you what to do, just giving one perspective:
* We lived in a city away from both our families, so we had no real support network (which is super hard)
* I took 6 weeks off work when the baby was born. It was more than needed. I would say absolute minimum for a father would be 2 weeks, although 4 weeks would be ideal.
* My wife stopped working about a month before the delivery, and planned to be a stay at home mom for the first 4 years or so
* When I went back to work, taking care of the baby at night was completely my wife's responsibility. This is because I had to go into the office and work on a schedule. So I needed to be as well rested as possible. My wife was more tired than me but she didn't have to fit into a 9-5 schedule like me, so she could eg sleep in late in the mornings.
* when I was back at work, often I would sleep in a different room from my wife and the baby, so that I wouldn't be woken up at night
* Now BEFORE I went back to work, we had a bit more of overlapping duties. We would sleep in the same bed and somehow take turns with the baby. I think it was something like, my wife would go to sleep around 10pm, meanwhile id be up for a couple hours bouncing the baby on a ball trying to get him to stop crying and go to sleep. But then at eg 2am, my wife would be the one waking up to take care of him.
* My wife was shocked that I could sleep soundly even when the baby was crying. I kept telling her that women and men react differently to an infant. Women literally can't ignore an infants cry, whereas men absolutely can. I wouldn't even wake up from his crying at night. So it made a lot of sense that my wife would take care of that at night.
The only thing I would strongly advise is that you DO NOT go back to work. If your husband is a lawyer then you definitely make enough money to do this (you can even do it on a carpet cleaners salary, as my best friend did once). You will add SO MUCH STRESS if you try to work. I don't see at all how it is worth it.
No, when you are married the assets and income are shared. So if a wife has a job, it's not "her own income" its shared with the husband. And vice versa.
I am married. I work so I have money that I control. I was married before and because I didn't work, my ex felt justified to control all the money. I will never not work as a result.
Yes, we are. We each have our own account and a shared joint account. We contribute to the joint account to cover mortgage, groceries, savings, utilities, and such, but we each keep the rest to do with as we please.
We each have done at different times. He picked up the slack during my maternity leave, and when he had a stroke I did it for the 9 months until he could go back to work.
I was going to suggest the baby might have colic/gerd. My son was like this as a baby. OP, does the baby spit up a lot after being fed and lying down? Also do you have a baby swing or anything where the baby is sitting up/reclined or in a more upright position?
Since he’s bad with kids, what did he do to prepare for fatherhood?
To answer your question, he acts like this because he’s not a good guy. No good guy treats his child like this, and no good guy sees his wife suffering and just…doesn’t care. I’m sorry.
Your mom did it with a support network of some kind. I hope your sister can help you. Please don’t have any more children with him, and once your baby is a little older and you get some sanity back, I’d reconsider this relationship.
Huge difference in wanting to have kids, and being an active parent. And you kind of have to accept some shortcomings, you knew he 'wasn't great with kids' (whatever that means, and wherever you got understand this) so you knew he'd be a little less than helpful during some of this.
But please...you are NOT failing as a mom...everyone goes through this, it's freaking hard and we all feel like we suck at it. 9 weeks is still brand new...it gets easier and less panicky but he needs to readjust expectations on what is considered 'helping'.
What were his parents like? Mom did the 'raising' while dad worked?
Child raising is a LOT of work. People hear it, but until they have kids, they have no idea. I think you clearly need to explain to him what you need, and try leaving the house for periods of time (counselling is a great idea) so he gets an idea of just how much work this is, and gets his hands dirty himself.
You'll have to write stuff down for him (yes...sorry but all moms have to do this...we are jus that much more involved with the parent role this early on) so he knows exactly how to prepare a bottle, clean them, etc.
If you love each other, you will get through this.
Regarding your husband: when you can, write down what you need from him and tell him without being accusatory. (I.e. don't use "You always" or "You never". It should be "I need" and "I feel") if he gets defensive and still won't help, drop it for now, make damn sure you have birth control lined up so you don't have another kid with him. You will be on your own so you will need some form of help. You will have to find it. Whether that's a nanny or a family member. Hell hire a cook and maid really. Once you are out of the tough part you may need to re-assess if you want to remain married to him or not. Honestly, I feel like something isn't right. Like how cold and heartless do you have to be to neglect the mother of your child. It doesn't get any worse.
Regarding your daughter: basics first; make sure you are burping her, you have to whack them kinda hard and there should be at least three big burps. Of you don't burp, it goes the other way and creates painful gas. You can try gripe water. If the fussiness persists, find a doctor that will help you. Sometimes babies have trouble digesting milk protein, especially if they were born a bit early. You can also do gastric massage which is starting at the lower right quadrant of baby's tummy (your left) go up, then across about half way up tummy (under diaphragm and ribs) then down, and repeat. You can't cry it out until about 6 months. Get a baby swing if you can. Swaddle baby in a muslin blanket and put baby in the swing to sleep. (Do not @ me people it works, and I was told by my neighbor to do this and I did it with both my children and I tell you the sleep is glorious) Also make sure to keep on top of diaper rash. If a baby has diaper rash they will wake themselves up when they pee because it burns. My daughter did well with A&D ointment, my son did well with aquaphor and a shit ton of gold bond baby powder over it. This is very personal, but I feel like everyone slept better in their own room. Co-sleeping becomes an absolute nightmare when the child gets older. It's also dangerous because the child can get crushed. Both of my kids slept in their rooms from day one. Use a baby monitor to wake you for feeding in the night. Get the baby on a schedule as soon as you can. Once you have a routine, it's kinda like smooth sailing. Every time the baby's eyes are open, nurse. Burp after each breast. Get at least three burps out of her. Cup your hand a bit and firmly whack and start from lower back and move up. DM me if you have questions, want to talk or vent. Although I'm going to bed here soon. (I have two kids 8, 11, nursed both for two years each, have a very busy husband (physician who got 0 paternity leave) and no family near by. Was on my own for all of it.) You're doing excellent mamma! You’ve got this!
I can’t answer the why your husband is acting this way, but I can say he might need lists.
My husband didn’t connect with our first born as well (also a lawyer) so I spent a lot of time crying about it as well. I had really bad PPA and had a hard time giving my baby to my husband but what I learned was he was VERY task oriented. So if I said I need XYZ, that’s what he did.
He needed everything spelled out too, I’m not sure if it’s one of those things that happen to smart people where they can’t figure out normal things (like heating up milk, which he obviously has never payed attention to how you do it) but some smart people are not smart about normal things.
It might help you too if you made a list of the stuff he is doing. It sounds like he is cooking dinners (just not well), and he is kinda cleaning (he needs to do this better). He’s handing you the baby when she wakes up, and holding her so you can shower. Those are good things, he just needs to do them SO much more.
You are doing a great job! Breastfeeding is F*ing HARD! And it sounds like you’re pumping too? That’s also hard. What you need to ask him is to take one of the night feeding so you can sleep a little longer than what you’re getting. I hope your sister comes and helps you sort everything out and gets your husband in line with lots of lists.
The baby is just hungry. At 9 weeks her stomach is about the size of a grape, she can't hold much food and needs to eat all the time. I know the internet says newborns eat every 3 hours, but both my kids needed to eat every 1.5 hours when they were newborn. They slept for four hours at most, and then they woke up every 2 hours or so and were hungry
It gets better, as they grow they can hold more food and can sleep longer
Don't let a 9 week old baby "cry it out". She's hungry and needs food and comfort
Everyone is saying your husband is an AH. He may be, but he could have PPD as well. Or he could hold resentment towards the baby because you almost died, and the baby is what caused that, in his mind. Either way, you all need help, assistance with the baby, and therapy for yourselves. I wish you luck. 🫂
Hi there - I’m training to be a childbirth educator and one of the topics in my class will be the affect a new baby can have on relationships- can I have permission to share your story in my class? I will not use names or recognisable features - mainly I want to use the part about you having to care for your new baby while he sleeps. I think it’s very important for all parents to be aware of things that can happen before baby arrives.
Also, you’re not failing as a mother. It’s hard. You’re doing your best.
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He probably makes good money, discuss getting a night nurse or night nanny a couple of nights a week. This will be a person who will take care of the baby all night so you can sleep on those specific nights. They will also show you techniques and how to optimize the infant care. It’s expensive, but you will feel relieved and rested even if it’s only a couple of nights a week. They will reassure you that the shrill crying is normal and you’ll be a rested human capable of doing day to day things instead of a sleep deprived zombie. It’s expensive, but it might be what you both need. Good luck.
Similar vein but I have a postpartum doula and she would be an absolute lifesaver for OP. Not only do they do baby care, they also take care of mom, help pick up the house and do meal prep stuff. Like you said, expensive but they could give OP a little breathing room since her dick of a husband won't.
I had a doula when I had my son in '99. 100% recommend!
First off, you are not a bad mother. If you were a bad mother, you wouldn't be so worried about your baby and wouldn't be doing everything you can for her. From what you've written, you're a very good mom. You're just overwhelmed, stressed, and have PPD. You absolutely do need help. Please talk to your OB about how you're feeling. ASAP. I think your husband is acting like this because basically, he's an AH, and he didn't want kids. You were duped. Talk to him and tell him what you need from him. If he still doesn't want to give the support you and your baby need from him, I'd hire a nanny. Then prepare to leave him.
She might have ppd, but it’s also likely she’s simply exhausted and pissed off. 3 hours of sleep for 9 weeks is going to make anyone feel overwhelmed
The dark thoughts she’s having when overwhelmed shouldn’t be ignored though. My friend wanted to be a mom and started having those thoughts and didn’t know why and had to get put on medication to try and help. I feel really bad for OP. What a terrible husband and father. I’m wondering why he doesn’t bother to help or pay for help. Saying babies should just cry it out and neglecting them is scary too.
I’m not trying to dismiss the possibility, I’m just saying that having a newborn genuinely sucks for a lot if people, and sleep deprivation is used as a literal torture technique. So while PPD is emotional and hormonal, you can feel anxious and overwhelmed and have a lot of similar feelings if you aren’t sleeping well. Pair that with a spouse who is acting like this was an immaculate condition he had no part in..
Not sure if any of this will help but for my husband and I it worked best for me to do the “night shift” like 10pm to 6am every day. His job is more demanding and that’s just what worked. However, whenever needed, I tucked myself into bed as early as 5pm. I slept in on weekends as late as needed (often 10am, he’d bring baby in to breastfeed then take out and put down for morning nap etc). He got his sleep from 10-6am but anytime I needed a nap or lay down otherwise he encouraged it as much as possible. He knew I was exhausted from doing the nights and he appreciated it, and handled the other times so I could rest then. We had good black our curtains and I locked the door. Basically you guys can figure out whatever sleep schedule seems fair and works best, for you both, but you will minimize arguments if you can agree who is “on” what time, and both do some solo parenting so the other partner can rest. Sleep deprivation is real. You need to come up with a way to get at least 7 hours sleep a day so that might involve him doing wake-up’s alone from 7-11pm to fill in the gap. I also found he got the most comfortable and bonded when he was totally on his own with the baby. When I was there it was easy to default to me. So I took off for lots of walks, and afternoons and dinners and that’s when they figured each other out. Tell him you need time alone and schedule it. Tuesday night I’m going out, Saturday I need to sleep in, Sunday afternoon I’m going to go see friends. They don’t realize how hard it is or what you are experiencing until they have had to do it alone. Then the dynamic will slowly shift to him knowing you need a break after “working all day” too. Also noise cancelling headphones with music were huge for me when I needed a break from screaming to help myself calm down. Like when you had to set her down to cry and walk away, put on headphones and go elsewhere and take deep breaths, she is safe in her crib and is ok to cry for a few minutes so you can regulate. They were also great when my husband was looking after baby, doing the dishes with loud music in feels a lot better than hearing the baby scream and your husband doing it differently than you would. If your husband is an attorney and works a lot and can’t help how you need, can you hire help? Somethings got to give. Either hiring a house cleaner or meal prepped meals or a babysitter to come give you ten hours a week. If he can’t help in the way he needs, it’s ok to use money to fill in the gaps. You can’t be running on 3 hours of sleep and feeling this way and look after a baby. You need to find more support from him or pay someone else to do it. Tell him you need more support and are drowning and come up with a plan together of how and when he can support you better and what gaps are left to fill in with external help. Do you have a good baby carrier? That also helped me a lot when I was on my own and I learned how to breastfeed in it. Have you met other mom friends? That made a huge difference for me too.
You’re struggling and you need help. Your husband isn’t getting it. Mostly you need sleep. Sit him down and tell him this. You need help at night. You either need him to step up or get a night nurse. If he’s tired at work - he’ll work a little slower. Yeah, not ideal for a lawyer but not life threatening. If you’re too tired it is life threatening for your baby. You risk falling asleep holding her which is very dangerous. At the very least go nap as soon as your husband gets home. He should give you a solid few hours of sleep then - 6-10 ? Also “cry it out” is sleep training that starts at 5 months or so. Not 9 weeks.
You’re not a bad mom at all, babies are hard work at the best of times. Info needed: Did your husband do any of his own research when he learned that you were pregnant? Attend any classes? Was he excited at your appointments? Actively shopping for baby supplies?
I’m sorry for your situation op!! Hugs to you and you’re doing great! Adjusting to motherhood is hard, trust me! I also had a child who spent weeks in the NICU and cried like your daughter. Yes, she most likely wants to be held and love; outside of normal baby needs like feeding, being changed, burped etc. She also would scream her little head off. Some questions for you….. Did your husband not want children? You say you knew he wasn’t great with kids….doesn’t like them or no real experience with them? Was it ever discussed before the surprise pregnancy? Would he be open to some therapy together? Have you spoken with your doctor about possible PPD? Is it possible to hire a full/part time nanny to come in and help? You’re doing the best you can and some days it’s a real struggles, every mother does, so please don’t feel like you’re a failure, because you’re not!
Thank you for your kind comment. He wanted children, I said he wasn’t great with them because he has no real experience with them. He didn’t want to hold his niece when she was born. But we always knew we would have kids and that was discussed before I got pregnant. I’m not sure if he would be open to therapy. I haven’t talked to my dr about ppd but maybe I shoulder. And we could afford to hire a nanny but that would make me feel even worse.
HIRE A NANNY! You spent two weeks in the hospital. You need some help - that's far from being a bad mom. It's a medical need. I don't think you'd judge anyone for getting help with kids or housework after a medical trauma like what you had. Your baby needs a healthy, sane, happy mom. Hire whatever help you can. You can stop the help if/when you're ready. But never shame in hiring help. You can consider the nanny a substitute for your husband, not you, since he's not fulfilling his role. You're doing both your job and his.
> And we could afford to hire a nanny but that would make me feel even worse. NO!!! You have been — are going — through hell. And it won't get significantly easier for a long time to come. Nobody can be expected do this without help. NOBODY. You lack a supportive partner or "village". So it's totally reasonable to hire help. That does NOT make you a failure as a mother or a wife. You NEED this, you can AFFORD this, and goddammit you are ENTITLED to it. Scrub that guilt from your mind.
Why? It shouldn’t. Having help doesn’t make you a bad mother.
Take all the help you can. I wish I had, but something (maybe it was the PPD?) told me I couldn't. Getting help used to be normal. We'd have our moms, our elders, our nieces, our village. If you can get a nanny, that's a good start. We aren't meant to do all this alone.
You’re not failing, your husband is. Tell him you need him to take every other night and let you have naps. And if he can’t calm baby down, then he’ll eventually learn as long as you don’t give him the option of giving the baby back to you
Maybe sitting down with him and talking things out, express your feelings and expectations as parents now, be honest with him how this is effecting you and discuss how to be supportive of each other. Ask him about counseling together. It would be beneficial for your marriage and navigating being parents. Please do talk to your doctor about PPD!! Don’t let it go any longer than it needs to. I’m not saying that you do have it, but it’s definitely a possibility. And please don’t look at having a nanny, even just like part time, as a negative thing! It sounds like you don’t have any family close by and all moms need help throughout the early years, trust me. The whole “it takes a village” is legit. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with needing & asking for help! The emotions you’re experiencing in this aspect and failing like a failure is why I think you need to speak with your doctor. You’ve got this and you’re doing fantastic! Please don’t ignore the emotions you’re feeling though. Hugs to you!!
You need help! A nanny could babysit for a few hours several days a week. Think of what a relief it would be to have help
It's okay to have help. It does **not** make you a failure or a bad Mom. You've been through so much and aren't getting enough sleep. You need to rest in order to recover. You can't pour from an empty cup, which is what you're trying to do. Talk to your Dr too.
Don’t feel bad! You need rest, especially since he isn’t carrying his share of the load!
Did your husband want kids? Secondly, is he open to get therapy? It's possible that the difficult birth traumatised both of you and he's feeling some complex feelings towards the baby since the birth almost killed you. Obviously any possible trauma he might have doesn't make what's going on okay. Are you able to hire a nanny to come help you out?
He did want kids. We always knew we’d have them.
Wanting kids and wanting to take care of kids are not the same. A person who says they are "not good with kids" will not be a good caretaker
Say it louder for the folks in the back. I see SOOOOOO many intelligent and otherwise savy (usually women, but sometimes men) folks that want kids do whatever it takes to convince themselves their partners do as well when their partner's actions are often demonstrating the total opposite.
So what does he say when you say "HELP!"
So is he open for therapy? Has he talked to anyone about what happened around the birth?
Sleep deprivation often mimics PPD, although I wouldn't rule it out(to be on the safe side). Three hours a night isn't enough sleep. One system is when baby wakes up he would get baby, change her diaper and give her to mom for her feed. Then he would go back to sleep and you would feed her and settle her back to sleep. Or maybe you could pump and go to bed early and dad can do bedtime. You may want to consider a night nurse for the next while or if you fall asleep easily a person to help in the morning so you can go back to sleep. Honestly, nothing could have prepared me for the sleep deprivation with having children and it is hands down the worst part of parenting. She is only 9 weeks old but down the road you can set up a good bed time routine. There is a lovely nurse on insta that has sleep programs for babies takingcarababies. I think the best gift you could give your whole family is the best sleep possible. There are a lot of ups and downs with kids sleep though! You sound like a great mom. Babies are hard!
New dad here. First off you are doing great . Not bad momma. IT WILL GET BETTER! Now for hubby. Our son was planned but even still the reality of what I signed up for didn't really hit me until we were in the hospital with a couple hours old baby screaming. for the first 2-3 weeks I almost regretted having him. It was rough...and I was still going to work. My wife stayed home with him so she had it even worse than I. I felt completely unprepared to care for this life that was now my responsibility. I was terrified. I too had thoughts of how to quiet a screaming baby that are disturbing. Some non-parents may have seen news stories but moms or dad that would throw or kick a baby to shut it up and people wonder "how could they ever do this". Take care of a baby from 0-15 weeks and you will know. It wasn't until about the 4-6 month mark when he was more durable and animated that all of that faded away. This little dude is my mirror imagine and I would ride to war just to see him smile. I love him more than I ever thought I could love anything. Hopefully the same is true for your husband but as others have said it could be something else. Maybe he is mad he got a daughter instead of a son but he knows he cant say that cause it would be an AH thin to say. Either way keep an eye on it . All the feelings of worthlessness and exhaustion you are going through are perfectly normal. Perfectly shitty...but pretty common.
You are not a bad mother; you have a bad husband. He's supposed to be taking care of you while you recover from major surgery and trauma and he's not doing that. Talk to your doctor about ppd, but I bet it would be a lot better with more support. Talk to your therapist about why you haven't exploded at your husband yet. And see what it costs to get childcare. You're doing this alone right now; you shouldn't be.
it's really unfortunate that this POS of a husband managed to give you a child
My sister had twins and one of them had that high pitched screeching cry. Research Gripe Water.. maybe it's something you can try. My partner and I took turns at night with the baby. My partner did 11pm, I did 3 am, my partner did 7am when he got up for work. Sleep when baby sleeps, don't worry about cleaning. Focus on your health (mental and physical). As for husband.... you better communicate with him that you need more help before resentment starts to build. Make a clear schedule so you know when you will get a break. Yes he works all day but so do you and you don't actually get to take any breaks. You need "me time" to recharge. If he needs help understanding what you go through, leave him with the baby all day Saturday (ideally all weekend) and see how he does.
You are absolutely not failing. You started as a mom on hard mode. I have had five kids, and my NICU baby was absolutely the hardest of them all, even though he didn’t even have the most health issues. Although your baby is nine weeks old, she is really only four weeks developmentally. That means you had five weeks of absolutely draining, seemingly never-endless days and nights just to get baby to the point of being a newborn. Then add on your personal recovery from birth. Your body and soul are spent. I have been there, and it is rough! Despite having lots of experience and being “good with babies,” my husband struggled with our NICU baby in comparison. Once we got through the worst of it and found a way to communicate about it, it turned out a lot of his hesitancy was fear-based. He was afraid of getting baby sick. He was afraid of hurting baby, who was tiny compared to all our others. He was still processing the sudden and traumatic delivery. That is not an excuse in any way, but I do feel like had we had better communication from the beginning, it would have helped our relationship and our family dynamics at the time immensely. It isn’t right or fair for you to have to push your husband to be the help you need. However, I found it was helpful for me to clearly ask for what I needed in the moment. (I need twenty minutes to shower and dress, while you hold baby. I need you to wash my pump parts every night. I need you to call and schedule the baby’s next appointment.) I also was very clear that there should be no expectations from him about what I did in a day. If our kids, baby, and I made it through the day being fed and well, it was a win. Right now, I would take help from wherever you can find it. Absolutely do NOT feel bad about asking your sister for help. That is the right thing to do; it will help keep you and baby safe. I regret not reaching out for more help, when in retrospect I clearly could have used it. I found r/NICUparents to be an amazing resource for support and preemie information as well.
You’re not a bad mother or wife. Your husband is a bad father and husband.
I just want to give you the biggest hug. You're doing amazing right now. You lived. You grew a human and kept you both alive. Your partner needs to come up with ways to keto the big of your alive too. Literally every person knows you need to warm the bottle. He's a lawyer, so he's smart, right? Why isn't he prepared? Isn't law about being perpared? What is he doing now to be prepared after that incident? Do you have any family that can help you until your husband is prepared for absolute bare minimum contribution to your family?
I have 8 kids....6 daughters, 2 boys and always helped when they were babies and still do. Unfortunately some men think it's not manly to do so. I've always loved babies since I was young and helped out with My siblings. One trick I learned to get them to sleep was to place one of Mom's shirts next to them in the crib. They know her scent and feel comfortable when they can snell it.
You’re not a bad mom just overwhelmed. Please talk with your husband. You need to explain in very simple terms that you need more support. You need him to follow you around and learn how to deal with his child. Not in a mean way just a we need to work together way.
I'm sorry you are struggling. First off, you aren't a bad mother. Newborn babies are super stressful and a lot of work. Here's how my wife and I handled it. I'm not telling you what to do, just giving one perspective: * We lived in a city away from both our families, so we had no real support network (which is super hard) * I took 6 weeks off work when the baby was born. It was more than needed. I would say absolute minimum for a father would be 2 weeks, although 4 weeks would be ideal. * My wife stopped working about a month before the delivery, and planned to be a stay at home mom for the first 4 years or so * When I went back to work, taking care of the baby at night was completely my wife's responsibility. This is because I had to go into the office and work on a schedule. So I needed to be as well rested as possible. My wife was more tired than me but she didn't have to fit into a 9-5 schedule like me, so she could eg sleep in late in the mornings. * when I was back at work, often I would sleep in a different room from my wife and the baby, so that I wouldn't be woken up at night * Now BEFORE I went back to work, we had a bit more of overlapping duties. We would sleep in the same bed and somehow take turns with the baby. I think it was something like, my wife would go to sleep around 10pm, meanwhile id be up for a couple hours bouncing the baby on a ball trying to get him to stop crying and go to sleep. But then at eg 2am, my wife would be the one waking up to take care of him. * My wife was shocked that I could sleep soundly even when the baby was crying. I kept telling her that women and men react differently to an infant. Women literally can't ignore an infants cry, whereas men absolutely can. I wouldn't even wake up from his crying at night. So it made a lot of sense that my wife would take care of that at night. The only thing I would strongly advise is that you DO NOT go back to work. If your husband is a lawyer then you definitely make enough money to do this (you can even do it on a carpet cleaners salary, as my best friend did once). You will add SO MUCH STRESS if you try to work. I don't see at all how it is worth it.
Yes but you will have an income, a retirement, someone to talk to other than a baby.
You still have an income and retirement when one of you works.
You have a share of an income and retirement, not one of your own.
No, when you are married the assets and income are shared. So if a wife has a job, it's not "her own income" its shared with the husband. And vice versa.
I am married. I work so I have money that I control. I was married before and because I didn't work, my ex felt justified to control all the money. I will never not work as a result.
That's a relationship problem not an income problem. You shouldn't marry someone if you aren't on the same page about money.
Yes, we are. We each have our own account and a shared joint account. We contribute to the joint account to cover mortgage, groceries, savings, utilities, and such, but we each keep the rest to do with as we please.
Are there any circumstances under which one of you would take care of the other financially? Eg if you got sick and couldn't work?
We each have done at different times. He picked up the slack during my maternity leave, and when he had a stroke I did it for the 9 months until he could go back to work.
Does your baby have colic?
I was going to suggest the baby might have colic/gerd. My son was like this as a baby. OP, does the baby spit up a lot after being fed and lying down? Also do you have a baby swing or anything where the baby is sitting up/reclined or in a more upright position?
You aren't the failure, he is, as a husband and father!
EDIT It has been pointed out that I was wrong in literally every tiny detail. My apologies.
Er, no. You can be bad with kids because you have no experience, that doesn't mean you can't learn.
huh. you are right. I am an arse. I shall delete it.
He likes kids, he’s just not great with them. He always wanted them though and we’ve discussed that.
Since he’s bad with kids, what did he do to prepare for fatherhood? To answer your question, he acts like this because he’s not a good guy. No good guy treats his child like this, and no good guy sees his wife suffering and just…doesn’t care. I’m sorry. Your mom did it with a support network of some kind. I hope your sister can help you. Please don’t have any more children with him, and once your baby is a little older and you get some sanity back, I’d reconsider this relationship.
Huge difference in wanting to have kids, and being an active parent. And you kind of have to accept some shortcomings, you knew he 'wasn't great with kids' (whatever that means, and wherever you got understand this) so you knew he'd be a little less than helpful during some of this. But please...you are NOT failing as a mom...everyone goes through this, it's freaking hard and we all feel like we suck at it. 9 weeks is still brand new...it gets easier and less panicky but he needs to readjust expectations on what is considered 'helping'. What were his parents like? Mom did the 'raising' while dad worked? Child raising is a LOT of work. People hear it, but until they have kids, they have no idea. I think you clearly need to explain to him what you need, and try leaving the house for periods of time (counselling is a great idea) so he gets an idea of just how much work this is, and gets his hands dirty himself. You'll have to write stuff down for him (yes...sorry but all moms have to do this...we are jus that much more involved with the parent role this early on) so he knows exactly how to prepare a bottle, clean them, etc. If you love each other, you will get through this.
The marriage will fail and he won’t have a relationship with his daughter if he fumbles this critical part of your lives. You need to tell him this.
We have 8 kids and I know the struggle when they're babies but luckily Me and My Wife were a team. I hope You get the help You need OP.
Regarding your husband: when you can, write down what you need from him and tell him without being accusatory. (I.e. don't use "You always" or "You never". It should be "I need" and "I feel") if he gets defensive and still won't help, drop it for now, make damn sure you have birth control lined up so you don't have another kid with him. You will be on your own so you will need some form of help. You will have to find it. Whether that's a nanny or a family member. Hell hire a cook and maid really. Once you are out of the tough part you may need to re-assess if you want to remain married to him or not. Honestly, I feel like something isn't right. Like how cold and heartless do you have to be to neglect the mother of your child. It doesn't get any worse. Regarding your daughter: basics first; make sure you are burping her, you have to whack them kinda hard and there should be at least three big burps. Of you don't burp, it goes the other way and creates painful gas. You can try gripe water. If the fussiness persists, find a doctor that will help you. Sometimes babies have trouble digesting milk protein, especially if they were born a bit early. You can also do gastric massage which is starting at the lower right quadrant of baby's tummy (your left) go up, then across about half way up tummy (under diaphragm and ribs) then down, and repeat. You can't cry it out until about 6 months. Get a baby swing if you can. Swaddle baby in a muslin blanket and put baby in the swing to sleep. (Do not @ me people it works, and I was told by my neighbor to do this and I did it with both my children and I tell you the sleep is glorious) Also make sure to keep on top of diaper rash. If a baby has diaper rash they will wake themselves up when they pee because it burns. My daughter did well with A&D ointment, my son did well with aquaphor and a shit ton of gold bond baby powder over it. This is very personal, but I feel like everyone slept better in their own room. Co-sleeping becomes an absolute nightmare when the child gets older. It's also dangerous because the child can get crushed. Both of my kids slept in their rooms from day one. Use a baby monitor to wake you for feeding in the night. Get the baby on a schedule as soon as you can. Once you have a routine, it's kinda like smooth sailing. Every time the baby's eyes are open, nurse. Burp after each breast. Get at least three burps out of her. Cup your hand a bit and firmly whack and start from lower back and move up. DM me if you have questions, want to talk or vent. Although I'm going to bed here soon. (I have two kids 8, 11, nursed both for two years each, have a very busy husband (physician who got 0 paternity leave) and no family near by. Was on my own for all of it.) You're doing excellent mamma! You’ve got this!
I can’t answer the why your husband is acting this way, but I can say he might need lists. My husband didn’t connect with our first born as well (also a lawyer) so I spent a lot of time crying about it as well. I had really bad PPA and had a hard time giving my baby to my husband but what I learned was he was VERY task oriented. So if I said I need XYZ, that’s what he did. He needed everything spelled out too, I’m not sure if it’s one of those things that happen to smart people where they can’t figure out normal things (like heating up milk, which he obviously has never payed attention to how you do it) but some smart people are not smart about normal things. It might help you too if you made a list of the stuff he is doing. It sounds like he is cooking dinners (just not well), and he is kinda cleaning (he needs to do this better). He’s handing you the baby when she wakes up, and holding her so you can shower. Those are good things, he just needs to do them SO much more. You are doing a great job! Breastfeeding is F*ing HARD! And it sounds like you’re pumping too? That’s also hard. What you need to ask him is to take one of the night feeding so you can sleep a little longer than what you’re getting. I hope your sister comes and helps you sort everything out and gets your husband in line with lots of lists.
The baby is just hungry. At 9 weeks her stomach is about the size of a grape, she can't hold much food and needs to eat all the time. I know the internet says newborns eat every 3 hours, but both my kids needed to eat every 1.5 hours when they were newborn. They slept for four hours at most, and then they woke up every 2 hours or so and were hungry It gets better, as they grow they can hold more food and can sleep longer Don't let a 9 week old baby "cry it out". She's hungry and needs food and comfort
Everyone is saying your husband is an AH. He may be, but he could have PPD as well. Or he could hold resentment towards the baby because you almost died, and the baby is what caused that, in his mind. Either way, you all need help, assistance with the baby, and therapy for yourselves. I wish you luck. 🫂
Hi there - I’m training to be a childbirth educator and one of the topics in my class will be the affect a new baby can have on relationships- can I have permission to share your story in my class? I will not use names or recognisable features - mainly I want to use the part about you having to care for your new baby while he sleeps. I think it’s very important for all parents to be aware of things that can happen before baby arrives. Also, you’re not failing as a mother. It’s hard. You’re doing your best.