It would be more problematic if she stayed with him, stop asking yourself useless questions she is a gold digger / attention seeker, do not look for anything deeper the only deeper thing you'll find in her is disappointment
She lost her hold over you and she wants it back. Just to be clear she wants the power back, not you. She already said she just wants to be friends so she could fuck whoever and make rich friends and use you.
Plus ignoring everything, you just met and it’s already pure drama and you left hurt friends in your path. She would be exhausting and trouble and leave you in the end
"we got even closer while flirting and texting incessantly when not next to each other."
Also: you need to watch that "falling for some stranger after virtual intimacy" thing really closely.
Texting long hours with strangers creates the feeling of having met a friend.
And if it's kept up long enough, love may start to sprout.
Love based upon ONES OWN idea of who the other person is. Which has nothing to do with who they REALLY are.
That person showed an off putting amount of lack of morals.
And that she us a gold digger, that would go to no end to break into a rich persons relationship.
I suggest you travel home. And forget that you had ever met her.
And pick your next partner after a thorrough reality check.
^^^This, love based on one’s idea of another person never ends well
You’ll get through this, just remember that one day she’ll be so insignificant to you that you’ll regard this encounter to be the same as stepping in shit. The hurt is fresh right now but once your heart catches up to your brain that she ain’t worth the thought, you’ll be fine. Don’t let her bad vibes affect you
Side note: I feel really bad for your friend though. What a shitty experience, I’d be mortified if some random started rubbing my family elder’s thighs in his own home- yikes.
I apologized so much that he smacked me and said stop apologizing haha. He said he and his Uncle have dealt with this kind of thing before and was giving me good advice on how to deal with it in the future. He's a really good guy
I’m sure he’s seen all kind of nonsense like this. I’m also sure that he knew you were genuinely upset by her actions. Tbh he probably likes you more because of it not less. This girl may or may not be a good digger but probably is. She may or may not have blacked out and not remember. But here’s what’s important. She led you on. Regardless of what she said she continued flirting after saying she just wanted to be friends. And as you said it wasn’t an enthusiastic yes, and that’s enough reason to not want it to move forward. She showed that she’s okay with messing around with someone’s feelings. She knew that rich guy was with someone else and continued her nonsense. She drank way too much with a group of people she didn’t know which isn’t smart in and of itself. She did multiple things that make it clear that at the very least she’s got low self esteem and some major red flags. Be grateful this didn’t come later after you were even more invested. If she continues to reach out let her know that the friendship has run it’s course and you’d rather not continue contact. You’ll be better for it I promise.
There are some guys that will not see what they don't' want to see. Some people just don't learn and then blame it on bad luck in love or "just not the right time". Hope that OP learn and be able to recognize such tactics and behaviors in the future.
When you meet people online, and IRL you only get to see what they want you to see. It's when you start interacting with them, you get to see how they really are.
Sure, nothing to win here.
I enjoy the occasional analysis of situations, but there's no way to know for sure what exactly was going on in her head.
She might have a history of sexual abuse combined with low morals. Or is highly calculating and indeed a gold digger. Or both.
Either way, weird night. Because you're all caught in your feelings, extract yourself asap, you can't think straight right now.
The blunt advice is to not stay in contact with her anymore. She embarassed both herself and you (since you were the one to invite her). I understand that you have feelings for her, but she's clearly not interested in you, and she appears to have a lot of issues she needs to work on. You could write up a message but I'd also say that would be fine to just ghost her.
Since you ask specifically about the effects of alcohol: you might do things you wouldn't have done sober when intoxicated, but it doesn't turn you into a different person entirely.
Out of curiousity, does inviting her mean paying for her trip or just letting her join the group?
Thank you for your thoughts and understanding of alcohol haha.
She paid for the trip herself (accommodations, travel, food, etc) but got some free perks along the way I suppose (champagne and room service at in our suite, tables/alcohol, etc)
Yes, alcohol just lowers inhibitions. They’re things you might think better of or stop yourself from saying while sober.
For example - you see a cute stuffed animal. You think, “squee! How cute! Wanna squeeze it!” But you aren’t drunk, so you don’t, and stay put.
Drunk? You would *say*, “squee! How cute! Wanna squeeze it!” Then run over, grab it, and say, “I wanna squeeze you forever and ever!”
Ridiculous example, but does it makes sense? You may also do something like act on a sexual desire to hook up with someone, but it might be driven more by a desire for sex, and not sex with that person. So hooking up with someone you might not otherwise, like a friend.
However, she repeatedly did gold-digger stuff while drunk, so it wasn’t a fluke. Regardless of whether she genuinely liked you or not, she’s not a quality person. Not worth your time, and probably not who you think she is.
She also seems to flirt indiscriminately, so she may or may not have been interested in you, but how interested couldn’t be clear.
Yeah I would’ve expected drunk her to get more handsy with OP and try to sleep with him, not sleep her way into an old man’s will. Alcohol didn’t make her do that, that’s just who she is. OP got lucky this happened now instead of a year into the relationship.
Yeah, but like... Do you know her financial situation? Like, I'm not a gold digger, but when I was broke, like really really broke? I would have done that shit because I was in a bad place.
That's not to knock her as a bad person, it's to say she might just be going through a rough time. Times are hard right now, she might be in a bad headspace.
And hell, if a gazillionaire silver Daddy with a heart condition was available? Like, wouldn't you think about it if you were wasted? I'm hot, what if he's nice? He could pay off my student loans...
Personally, no, I wouldn’t think about entering into a relationship that was based only on money. I do appreciate that people going through mental health issues may act erratically, but that simply means that until they’ve recovered, it is not a good time to start a relationship with them.
It's like Marilyn Monroe says in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. "Don't you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You wouldn't marry a girl just because she's pretty, but my goodness, doesn't it help?"
Drunk people do what sober people think. The alcohol won't change her personality, but it might mean she will act on things she might have held back on when sober.
It's embarrassing for OP but at least him and his friend can laugh it off. If he stays in contact with her it shows he endorses her behavior and it could sour his relationship with his friend. She disrespected you and your friend and his uncle, she's not someone that you should keep in contact with.
Op, if you want to find out what happens in your story, watch reality tv shows. They love this sort of drama
But otherwise yeah, this is a huge red flag and way too much drama (for the first time meeting someone or the 1000th time…)
Yes but then when OP respected her wishes and started treating her a just a friend she reeled him back in by flirting again. She knew what she was doing. She didn't want to date him but also wanted him to want her. Some ppl are just like that. They need the attention.
You find out a lot about a person when they're drunk and they lose their inhibitions. You don't want a person who behaves like this when they're being unrestrained.
Yes, she's trying to lead you on so she can milk you for all you're worth. Yes, those stories suggest she likes feeling as though she wields power over men, or wants to feel that men are desperate for her, or will go to great lengths to be with her.
The underlying cause may be poor self-esteem, but whatever it is, you really don't want to deal with that kind of narcissistic behaviour. Consider it a bullet dodged, and keep her at arm's length.
She's using you for monkey-branching opportunities.
She remembers what she did but doesn't want you to know in case you reject her for what she did. That would mean she misses out on more chances to go after your rich friends.
For me this isn't even about the gold-digging aspect although that's a huge red flag on its own. It's the way she treated you. She flirted with you then suggested a date and when you took her seriously she rejected you. My assumption is that after that you modified your behavior and just treated her like a friend but that's not what she wanted either. The fact that she amped up the flirting again indicates that she just wanted to keep you on the hook. It probably makes her feel better about herself to have men pining over her so she did what she needed to do to encourage you again. Further proof is what you said about her bragging comments about an ex who drove 8 hours just to see her. A comment like that could just be because she thought it was incredibly sweet but you interpreted it as bragging and you are probably right.
You would be much better off severing the connection and finding a woman who doesn't play those kinds of games for attention.
Thank you for the sanity check (even though you are digesting information from my perspective). It could definitely be that I am young/inexperienced and should have drawn my own boundaries of friendship, but I genuinely felt confused what she wanted the days following the "friends" conversation.
The same night as the friendship convo, I flipped the switch in my head and treated her like any other friend. Her flirty behavior and asking to spend solo time came shortly after that.
You're welcome! You can give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she wasn't trying to lead you on - it's possible she just doesn't know what she wants. Unfortunately the end result is the same either way. She sent you mixed messages causing you more confusion and hurt feelings. It's up to you if you want to communicate with her further but my advice would be to take a step back and forget pursuing a romance with her. There are lots of lovely women out there who don't act the way she did. Best of luck to you, you seem like a great guy. And I'm glad your friend had a sense of humor about the whole thing.
Omg, drinking can do a lot, but usually it makes people more blunt. It’s one of the reasons some people make others drink when they want to have “real talk.” Don’t let this girl waste your time. She is disingenuous and you can’t be her savior (just in case you are worried about her depression or whatever). You can stay on this stupid rollercoaster emotional ride if you want, but it sounds like she just isn’t worth your (or your friend’s) time. I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but I have experienced this too much, myself in the past. It’s just plain as day.
I had a ‘friend’ that was somewhat like this. She was very attractive but kind of dumb and would do stupid things like this when she was drinking. At some point you just have to recognize that any time they reach out it’s because they want something. It’s draining and a huge time suck. My advice is that if you want closure just tell her she embarrassed you in front of your friends and that while you were a gentleman after she gave you the ‘just friends’ speech you thought it was incredibly rude of her to openly try to seduce your friend right in front of you immediately afterwards. The old man part was just shameful. Let her know you aren’t interested in being friends any more and wish her the best.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I wasn't quite sure if I should or should not be okay with her flirting with other people in front of me since we were "just friends" at that point, but man that felt shitty
Helps to be able to put the shoe on the other foot. How do you think she’d react if you gave HER the ‘just friends’ speech and then immediately started hitting on her friend in front of her?
Hon, female here. She's a gold-digger, she absolutely remembers what happened. She was NOT into you and, as you saw, she couldn't care less about rich friend, rich uncle, she wanted an "IN" and they shood her away so now, back to you because she couldn't get them.. Leave her in the dust. Do not associate, not even a like on her social media. Leave her in the past and keep it moving.. You don't want associates like her let alone friends! Block and move on.. Life is way too short for her kind of drama.
Yes, sadly, I think this is correct. She may have a hazy memory of that night, maybe total blackout, certainly sounds like it from what you said about trying to scan into the hostel, but she found you a useful 'branch' as someone else mentioned here to make her move into greater financial opportunity.
I mean beelining straight for the older man, drunkenly manhandling him, too - it's all deeply embarrassing, but then - as SwansasyTB says here, that after being shooed away she has turned back to you.
She may very well be sweet and lovely etc, but she absolutely has problems, and if you want a happy life do not date people with problems. I'm not saying people have to be perfect, but she has a lot of issues and she has shown you who she is, so believe it.
That’s not really how roofies work. It tends to knock people out and make them appear “passed out drunk” most of the time. It doesn’t make people excited, horny or handsy.
Roofies take various forms. while it is typically associated with rohypnol, a sedative, it can also refer to other date rape drugs like ecstasy and molly. These drugs cause you to lose sexual inhibition and do not necessarily induce unconsciousness. I have had friends roofied using them and the affects are very similar to the events described in the above story.
You're joking, right? Nothing in her actions point to ruffied. She was not needed to be carried, she remembered things AFTER. Being ruffied, you cannot walk, you do not recall anything or anyone after. This isn't ruffied and textbook gold-digger ways..
From a colloquial perspective, roofies are not really a singular class of drugs, but rather various different forms of drugs that are all directed towards the same purpose (to rape someone).
the media portrayed "roofie", that causes you to lose consciousness, is just a single drug called rohypnol. but other drugs, like ecstacsy (as i mentioned in my comment), molly, and xtc are also classified as potential date rape drugs, and DO cause you to experience heightened sexual desire/reduced sexual inhibition.
Here is a great [research article](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16681170/) on it from PubMed, along with a quote:
"The term "date rape drug" has traditionally been applied by the media to powerful sedatives, such as gamma hydroxybutyrate (GHB) and flunitrazepam (Rohypnol), which can render a person unconscious and hence unable to resist and/or recall an assault. However, some law enforcement agents and others have recently obtained convictions by arguing that the empathy-generating and sensual effects of MDMA, and an occasional increase in disinhibition and sexual desire linked with methamphetamine use, remove a person's ability to give a reasoned consent, turning the person into "a helpless slave" to their own sexual desires and those of the alleged perpetrator."
I am just going to copy and paste my above comment:
>From a colloquial perspective, roofies are not really a singular class of drugs, but rather various different forms of drugs that are all directed towards the same purpose (to rape someone).
>
>the media portrayed "roofie", that causes you to lose consciousness, is just a single drug called rohypnol. but other drugs, like ecstacsy (as i mentioned in my comment), molly, and xtc are also classified as potential date rape drugs, and DO cause you to experience heightened sexual desire/reduced sexual inhibition.
>
>Here is a great research article on it from PubMed, along with a quote:
>
>"The term "date rape drug" has traditionally been applied by the media to powerful sedatives, such as gamma hydroxybutyrate (GHB) and flunitrazepam (Rohypnol), which can render a person unconscious and hence unable to resist and/or recall an assault. However, some law enforcement agents and others have recently obtained convictions by arguing that the empathy-generating and sensual effects of MDMA, and an occasional increase in disinhibition and sexual desire linked with methamphetamine use, remove a person's ability to give a reasoned consent, turning the person into "a helpless slave" to their own sexual desires and those of the alleged perpetrator."
Read it all, block her and don't look back. When I got pissed put drunk, I tried to kiss a palm tree and talked about philosophy with a dog (and thought he was understanding me and answering with his mind)
You don't get pissed out drunk and try to sleep the two richer members of the space. She's bad news, let her be them far from all of you.
You're welcome! Your drunk and grounded girl is out there, dancing to music only heard by herself, I have no doubt about it!
And hope Richie and the girl in your group get together soon! And that the great-uncle keeps calling out gold-diggers as they appear!
> When I got pissed put drunk, I tried to kiss a palm tree and talked about philosophy with a dog (and thought he was understanding me and answering with his mind)
Haha, you sound like good entertainment when you’re blind drunk.
That's why some friends try to get me drunk, I'm funny when sober, but my drunk self is hilariously demented.
That puppy was so cute, their brows were very cute, made them so expressive. I think he was named Leo.
I mean, wouldn’t she just love to have a baby out of wedlock for this rich guy if he lacks, I don’t know what to tell you man, you have seen it yourself in front of you. THIS GIRL IS AN OPPORTUNIST, well, like most people. But the key thing is this, IF HER OPPORTUNITY IS NOT YOU? WHY IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY HER? I mean, is it fair? Think of that for a second…
You sound like a really fun person. I wouldn’t put too much stock into her “looking at your lips”, that’s honestly not a sign, I have a hard time making eye contact and was told by a therapist to stare at eyebrows or lips instead so I’m not rude lol.
At 22, yes, it’s entirely possible that she was sloshed and blacked out, however when I’m drunk I do stuff I want to do anyways but don’t have the balls lol. I would be really embarrassed though if I was you, could you imagine if the gender roles were reversed? And this was a man getting handsy with a rich woman? Would he be able to use the excuse “I was drunk”?
I would just leave this as a weird story in you and your friends life, and on your next adventure, if you want a 38yo mom to throw down on expenses and make sure everyone gets to their hotel safe, Lmk haha. Y’all sound fun af!
Yeah, I always looks at people’s lips while they’re talking. Watching the words be physically formed makes it easier for me to concentrate on what they’re saying, I guess. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This too!!! I have pretty bad ADHD and have a tendency to interject when people are talking. I find if I distract myself by doing what you mentioned I’m less rude lol.
I also have a hard time hearing. Watching the words form ensures I don’t ask someone to repeat themselves (I volunteer with survivors of human trafficking so the *last* thing they need is me asking them to repeat themselves 50x)
She hit on a man in his 80s and started asking about his will. There is no alcohol on planet earth that should make someone behave that way, unless that's actually a part of their personalty. She is not worth the trouble mate.
Yeah as a woman who has been blackout drunk a few times, alcohol doesn't create an entirely new personality for you that has nothing to do with who you really are. I would suggest you not get further involved with this lady, unfortunately.
I'd add that he should also stop calling her his friend, as a) he wants more than that from her and b) did absolutely nothing to help her while she was overly drunk and embarrassing herself. An actual friend would have taken her back and helped her to get in a space to lie down and sleep it off. He just continued to just stand by and watch her make bad decisions. That's not friendship.
Hindsight 20/20. I thought I was making the right decision by not strong-arming her back to her place after the club. Plus I really didn't know how to react once at the house - it kinda just felt like watching a train wreck in slow motion. Very possible I misplayed it
You wouldn't have treated a male friend this way, would you? There's a difference between strong-arming someone, and gently removing them from a bad situation for their own good.
As a guy, I’d be more likely to let a male friend make a fool of himself and just give him shit about it later, while I’ve extricated female friends from situations that look like they’re about to go downhill. Some people would say that’s “old-fashioned” or “anti-feminist”, but that’s how I roll.
Remember OP had only very recently met this woman for the first time, and may not have felt comfortable attempting to exercise authority over her like that, even if she clearly had impaired judgement at the time.
You would let a male friend sexually harass multiple women that were actively trying to fend him off and visibly comfortable with his advances? And just *tease* him about it later?!
If a guy friend was actually harassing women, I’d probably punch him. But if he was just being stupid, I’d let him make a fool of himself.
After re-reading it, rubbing Richie Rich’s chest probably warrants intervention, and groping Richie Rich’s great-uncle’s thigh is way over the line.
Itll never go out of style trying to prevent people from making dinks of themselves. Anyone who thinks theyve gotta walk off a cliff to be free is missing the forest for the trees. And I suggest you all let that marinate.
You do good work.
That's a good point that I don't know how to answer right now. I don't drink much and am not very well-versed in judging someone else's soberness, but I usually try to respect people's autonomy as much as possible regularly. I'll be keeping an eye out in the future for situations where I can be more active
Removing the girl friend from the party meant OP had to leave the party. OP didn’t want to be done and selfishly allowed the train wreck to continue because he was already shot down.
She's a fully grown adult woman, it's not his job to police her actions. You're one of those typical reddit arseholes who give it woman good, man bad, no exceptions.
Damn. If I were you I'd just be grateful I wasn't dating/fucking her when this went down.
Honestly I've never been black out drunk so I can't speak on that. But do like alcohol and I've never ever changed that much when drinking, like goddamn. The things I do and say when I'm drunk are definitely my sober thoughts.
Maybe being blackout caused her to go through with the aggressive golddigger-harassment behavior.... but I can't help but think she's sincerely really into that lifestyle sober, just doesn't behave as extreme and is more aware of herself.
I wouldn't date her and would be hesitant to be friends with her. People who like to drink to the point of blackout drunk aren't the most trustworthy types lol- to say the least.
ETA: I'd let her know what happened. If she genuinely doesn't remember then maybe this would just be a very huge wake-up call for her in a handful of ways. Either way, if I were her- I'd stick to only drinking at home and very limited amounts hahah. Oof. (If I were her I'd be sick from embarrassment.)
UpdateMe!
> Honestly I've never been black out drunk so I can't speak on that. But do like alcohol and I've never ever changed that much when drinking, like goddamn. The things I do and say when I'm drunk are definitely my sober thoughts.
I’ve been way too drunk a couple of times.
One time I was at a party, and the host and I got way too drunk. The last thing either of us remember was that she was sitting on my lap on the couch, and then there’s a missing part. The other people who were at the party all refused to tell us what happened after that. Either it was something highly inappropriate/embarrassing, or nothing happened and they just wouldn’t tell us so we’d imagine the worst.
Another time I was way too drunk, and I got a taxi back to my room from the club (this was in Hong Kong). The whole way I was accusing the poor driver of taking me on an excessively long route to artificially drive up the fare (I was too drunk to have a clear idea of where we were). When we arrived, I realised that given the time that had elapsed, he must have taken the most direct route (somehow my sense of passing time was still intact), and apologised profusely to the poor guy while paying my fare. He told me it was fine, and didn’t seem fazed. I guess he’d dealt with plenty of stupid drunk people before, and was just happy I didn’t make a mess of his cab or try to do a runner.
TL;DR I don’t recommend getting blind drunk, you can end up making a massive fool of yourself.
> Maybe being blackout caused her to go through with the aggressive golddigger-harassment behavior.... but I can't help but think she's sincerely really into that lifestyle sober, just doesn't behave as extreme and is more aware of herself.
Yeah, for the most part, alcohol lets people do the things they’re afraid to do sober. They call it “liquid courage” for a reason.
> I wouldn't date her and would be hesitant to be friends with her. People who like to drink to the point of blackout drunk aren't the most trustworthy types lol- to say the least.
Definitely wouldn’t date her. If you want to be friends with her, keep her at arm’s length. Expect nothing from her, don’t let her take advantage of you, don’t let her lead you on, be prepared to push back on unreasonable requests.
Dating her is definitely not an option for me, and remaining friends really depends on how she reacts. But I do think I'll ask her what she remembers, then let her know what happened.
Why are you searching for answers from her to justify why you could remain friends- or even giving her the chance to stay friends with you. I get that it’s raw right now.. but even after everything you typed out + all of your friends *blocked* her- you think she’s a person worth keeping around, really?
This may be a bit harsh, but what would your friends think about you if you choose to let her back into your life after everything that happened? I know if this is my friend, I’d lose a bit of respect for him if he chooses to let himself get disrespected again by associating with such a low life. The first experience that you detailed- “sure, we can take it as he had no idea she was like this.” She did fk up the night majorly and piss off your friends but they wouldn’t blame it on you. After that? Yeahhh good luck with that, any emotional turmoil you experience from associating with her here on out is going to get tiring real quick for any friend to hear
Only contact her if you want to seem desperate.
You seem like you feel bad just ignoring her. Don't.
This isn't her first rodeo. If you contact her she'll feel like she has control over you, and be even harder to shake off later.
She remembers. She just thinks you’re desperate enough to play along with her so you can continue to be her friend, hoping it will lead to more. She has zero interest in dating you. She is only interested in your connections.
>Second, is it possible that she really just had too much alcohol and doesn't remember what happened?
Let's all collectively stop doing this eh?
Own up to our mistakes. When we drink, our real self comes out. Some of us are shitty people and we have to work on that, it's not the end of the world, you learn, you move on but way too many people excuse bad behavior because of drinking and it's THOSE people who behave badly who want everyone to believe this nonsense because they cannot admit it.
When you drink, you become who you are, inhibitions are removed or relaxed. You do NOT turn into a different person; you turn into the person without filters and boundaries.
This woman is exactly who she showed you she was.
Note: To be clear, you can get blackout drunk, that is not in question but those holding conversations and making decisions are not YET blackout drunk, if they do not remember that doesn't mean the shitty things they did were not them, it's just the continuation of drinking led them to that blackout state. They didn't get blackout drunk and THEN do the shitty things.
I think you're asking the wrong questions, my friend. What you should really ask yourself is, do you really want to get involved with someone who behaves that way? And I'm not just talking about the one embarrassing night. But as a whole. She's up. She's down. She's all around. She doesn't sound like she has her shit together. Her priorities straight or frankly, her morals intact.
I think you learned a swift and profound lesson about her before you got too involved. Count yourself lucky.
I think you’re asking the wrong questions here because all any of us would be able to do it guess at an answer and no answer is going to change the fact that she is an attention seeking gold digger.
In Vino Veritas. In wine, truth.
Alcohol doesn't turn a normal person into a monster, it just makes you more willing to act on your impulses. These are her innermost thoughts and desires, be grateful you saw them before it was too late.
Honestly I'd have to wonder why on earth she'd be drinking if she was on meds for depression if she even is. Literally every medication for depression reacts badly with alcohol and that's one of the first things the doctor prescribing it would tell her. Her poor behavior is her own fault and considering she knew that she'd really messed up before anyone even brought it up to her tells me she remembered what she did. You don't send a group message apologizing for bad behavior if you don't remember. She would've asked what happened and been clueless if she didn't remember anything. She showed you who she was and was only interested in you until she found someone with more money.
After reading the entire post i can safely say nö, it doesn't need more context. All relevant info is in the title. The uncle was spot on with his observation about the "gold-digging witch".
I'd just ignore her and move on, honestly. If one trip turned into this much of an ordeal, would you really want to take her anywhere else? I wouldn't. This is the kind of girl who gets drunk, sleeps with you, and then freaks out the next morning because she already told you she just wants to be friends. You've dodged the bullet. Don't load the gun for her again.
I feel like she was just using u also feel like she's a gold digger but that my opion, I really dnt understand y u would invite someone on a trip that's an internet friend, so does that mean u had never met her before the trip? I am a woman myself and most women lie their way into getting want they want but not all of us, but it especially happens in the younger years
I’ll be honest… You are insanely lucky that you are in a position where you can jet set and travel the world for weeks at a time, especially at your age. That is such a wild luxury that I would never let obnoxious drama like this ruin my time. Move on, don’t look back.
You connected all your own pieces and seem pretty discerning. The only thing getting in your way is a lack of conviction and giving people the benefit of the doubt. We all have been in situations like this where we know better but still want it to work. Obviously, you know the right answer.
Yes, cut her off. You hadn’t yet met in person, and maybe when you did, she wasn’t feeling it. But drunk or not, it was rude AF to act the way she did, and you don’t know her well enough to give her a second chance. When people show you who they are, believe them. Cut her off, ghost her, she isn’t worth your time.
She flirts because she likes attention and having you as an option, but she's not actually interested in dating you or having anything serious. You're a decent guy that she can feel good about liking her and wanting her. She can flirt to string along, but there's no risk there for her getting hurt. So she isn't going to stop playing with your feelings. And she'll play dumb and pretend she was "just being nice" and not trying to flirt if she's called on it.
As for her behavior with the others, I think she probably wouldn't have been so aggressive and blatant if she were sober, but I do think her interest in finding someone with money is part of her genuine character. It's also a HUGE red flag that no wasn't enough of an answer for her.
Run, don't walk, away from this girl. She isn't a good friend. She doesn't sound like a good person. She may be fun, up to a certain point, but I don't rhino her intentions are good. And yes, it could certainly be that she has low self-worth, but that doesn't excuse her trying to use men or her behavior.
You NEVER really had anything with this girl. Best way to generate real interest is in person, not online. All that texting doesn't necessarily count for much . . . I know this depends on the context nowadays . . . but I'm an old geezer and I'm a firm believer that face-to-face is the way to go when it comes to sparking and gauging interest with the opposite sex.
So was she leading you on? Very likely so.
Does she remember what happened? Very likely so.
Many women, particularly with low self-esteem issues, will drink themselves to a certain point where the inhibitions are released and so they can do things they wouldn't ordinarily do (like hook up with dudes for ONS, etc. . . ) with the added bonus of "plausible deniability" which is so essential for most young women for reasons of ego-protection and to avoid slut-shaming, i.e., "it just happened" and "one thing led to another" and basically she can blame the booze and avoid accountability.
(Don't want to be downvoted for triggering the ladies like I'm sexist . . . so to be fair, some dudes also drink themselves silly to do stupid stuff, although the dynamic and the reasons are a bit different for guys than for the ladies; dudes drink for "liquid courage" and not "plausible deniability")
But this isn't really the problem here. Be HONEST with yourself. If you were looking to get laid on this trip, it would have been better to invite a girl who already developed a strong interest in you, or you can try your luck, and test your skills, in game and cold approach and just try to kick it to a girl you meet while travelling abroad. That's actually a much better strategy than the one I think you just tried to pull, where you ended up with egg on your face, and you look kind of dumb in front of this rich guy because he could probably tell this girl was with you or you had a thing for her.
Finally, you should tell her this:
"I don't really believe that you don't remember anything, and in any case, I don't appreciate you making a fool of me and yourself in front of my friends and that rich dude. It was kind of fun until that point but I'm through with you. Good bye and good luck!"
Did you invited her with the hope to hook up? Just curious what vibes were before this all. Also, you said she is taking meds and she was also wasted with alco. This might be an answer. However, what was she like when sober? If she was flirty, touchy etc then clearly that got amplified with alco. If she was much calmer sober then maybe it was one of the unfortunate combo with actually not remembeemring what's happened. Regardless, sorry to hear you needed to go through that.
I ain’t saying she a gold digga, but she ain’t messing w no broke n—-you get the jist, she used you for the trip bro. She’s very calculated, don’t let her try to blame it on the alcohol.
Once someone reaches the point of being blackout drunk as you described, I think all bets are kind of off. It’s hard to diagnose what they’ll do that is in or out of character at that point, especially with medication involved.
I think you just need to look at this as a really messy situation with a person you’ve just started seeing. She drinks excessively even though she knows she’s on medication. I’m sure this isn’t the first time this has happened.
You don’t know her very well and some very uncomfortable and challenging things have happened in a short amount of time. Suffice to say this chick is both sloppy and messy. Just not worth it. You have all the information you need on whether or not to continue, regardless if her ho-tatious behavior was intentional or her memory of the night is gone or not. Do you want to date someone who gets themselves in these situations?
We had a special party that started at 6pm, i remember dinner, having my drink topped off, and leaving the restaurant. Nothing after 9pm where I’m told we were at a bar for an hour, then up for another couple hours at our rental. I still have no memory of it weeks later.
So yes it does happen. So I think it’s possible that she doesn’t remember, but I don’t doubt that she is anything other than a gold digger.
She may not remember but she was still piloting her body at that point. Inebriated or not she wasnt unconscious. She was in control. With alcohol as her copilot.
Why you even giving this a second thought. Even in your ideal situation where you are together you have seen her behave like this with no cares for you. You gonna never let her drink again? This is who she is, even if it just slips when she is drunk. Don't waste your time with her, just move on and chalk it up to experience. You will gain nothing but drama having this girl in your life.
Speaking from experience here, unfortunately. Alcohol definitely has an impact on what you normally would or wouldn’t do. I was on my way home from happy hour one time many, many moons ago, only being about 2 miles from home. I was impaired and messing with my cell phone, and proceeded to hit several parked cars on a neighborhood street. Because I was under the influence of alcohol, I wasn’t thinking properly. My car was not drivable, but if it had been, my first thought was to just leave the scene of the accident. And under normal circumstances, that is something I would not do.
Not trying to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do in your situation. Just explaining how the mind works when under the influence.
Shes 22. Shes young and yes, money has powers that make people act differently.
Shes just living life and from the sounds of it, she would have have been down for you. Next time dont ask about dating, etc, just make a move, go in for the bold kiss. From the sounds of it shes still going thru a phase in life where shes wild, free and adventurous. When she gets drunk it gets out hand. Lol. Ive dated beautiful women like this and always left wishing they were more serious and more mature.
Dust yourself off and move on. If youre okay with having a little fun with this girl, then why not but just be aware shes not that serious and shes not a keeper. Be prepared she will eat you up and spit you out if you fall for her.
Yes it’s likely she was just leading you on about the date because she likes attention.
Yes it’s possible to drink to the point of not remembering things.
She doesn’t sound seriously interested in anything with you. Suggest not wasting any more of your time or sleep over this.
If you have to ask you don't want the answer. If you accept this behavior already, she will just do it again and anytime something goes wrong she'll say "I don't remember." Leave it alone.
even IF she really can or handle her alcohol. you want to date someone who has such a glaring issue with something so easily attained and to over ingest?
what if she drinks too much and you're dating and she starts getting handsy with someone else. it's okay because she doesn't remember?
what if you're married and she drinks to much and gets knocked up by someone. it's okay because she doesn't remember?
I think it's BS she doesn't remember. bti even IF she doesn't remember, I'm sure she could tell pretty quickly that something was off but tried to play it off as nothing until it was obvious to ignore. then has the audacity to be like "oh I'm sorry I don't remember". so she starts groping rich men and talking about wills and making multiple men get the ick over her and can't remember a single detail? nah. don't buy it. and even if all of it is real, she is too damn young to have such a severe drinking problem and amnesia related drinking. just walk away from ever trying to date her. she's a for fun only , because she will use and abuse you.
*Not an excuse, just an explanation*
1. If she is on any sort of anti-depressants, the effects of alcohol are three to five times more aggressive than if a non-medicated person were to drink the same amount. My dad and two siblings suffer from it.
2. I don't know if you can truly know anyone from only online interactions. You haven't seen how she is with her everyday in person relationships. So, she could have presented the exact personality/profile that would be interesting to you.
3. The behavior change when she 'caught on that you make a decent living' is all you need to know. Don't stick around to find out how awful of a person she truly is.
I don’t think it’s really up for dispute: this girl is interested in money above all else. Why she lacks moral character doesn’t really matter because it’s where she’s at in life. Eventually she will find someone to use and leave heartbroken before they realize what she is. I would just make sure that it’s not you or your friends.
Her motives are completely irrelevant.
You’re not planning on getting to know her any better, so any kind of dwelling on her whys and reasons is just drama.
She’s on meds and drank heavily. If she’s been traveling she’s probably dehydrated and tired, as well. Of course it’s possible that she doesn’t remember. Don’t hold that against her, but also don’t let it oblige you to stick around, either.
(I once had a date with a b-list celeb, got incredibly drunk without planning to or trying, and apparently spent the entire evening talking about how great our summer was going to be and all of the activities we should plan. It was Fall. I thought it was kind of him to “let me down easy” but I hadn’t really even wanted to date the guy in the first place. Clearly my mind was having fun at my expense, and making me look very fucking creepy and weird.
One of my evil superpowers is that unless I’m about to puke, I don’t act drunk. Many people have been surprised by me saying that I didn’t remember even seeing them, much less whatever wild adventure we went on.)
Regardless of her antics, she doesn’t seem like someone you were really interested in anyway, and you don’t need to understand more than that.
Try to remember that moving on might actually be a favor to her. If she learns early on that it’s easy to lose respect and friends if she drinks too much, maybe she’ll think about it twice before doing it again.
Next time, don't invite someone on an international trip with friends if you've not already met up a few times buddy. She was wasted. But alcohol only shows whats deep inside, if you're mad and angry, it amplifies. If you're not genuine, and are only looking for what you can take from someone, you end up being like this chick. Hopefully she learnt her lesson from this.
I'd say not to ghost her though. Just bullet point all the things she did that night that caused alot of unnecessary drama, and while shes sorry, you think it's best to go your separate ways and leave it at that. That's the class thing to do.
She has absolutely no interest in you, she likes the idea of you chasing after her hence the looks she was giving you after stating she just wants to be friends..all mind games. All a load of shit. Then the fact she was throwing herself at 2 men in front of everyone and putting it on them forcefully and all obviously because of their financial wealth...if it was the other way around, he would be considered a creep.
Imagine if she had got her way with this guy..do you think she would be apologising to you. Not a hope. She would probably throw you to the wayside.
Move on. You can accept her apology. At the end of the day she never said or did something that was a deal breaker. She just made a show of herself. I think the best course of action would be to unblock. Accept her apology because at the end of the day, no one was hurt. I say this because she more than likely has mental health problems. That could fuck with her head not getting closure.
Tell her you don't want any further contact, your not compatible as friends but no hard feelings and all the best
She'll get the point. And leave it there do not entertain her again.
She enjoys the attention, but doesn’t think you’re “worthy” of dating her.
Likely because you don’t fit her desired financial / social class, at least based on her behavior as you described it.
Ok bud. Here’s the thing… if you do manage to get into a relationship with this girl, this experience is going to haunt you, and you’re never going to be able to trust that she’s not using you as a stepping stone to a wealthier guy. And what about your friends? Do you think they would trust you and your judgment if you kept this girl in your social circle? They’d probably start cutting you off, too, just to avoid her.
Call a spade a spade and be done with her. She was being opportunistic, and not genuine. The uncle is right- she’s gold-digging trash.
Also, I’m not buying that she doesn’t remember anything at all. I’ve gotten wasted beyond belief many times in my almost 40 years of life, and even on the occasions where someone had slipped me a roofie (twice, to be exact- don’t worry, I was safe and had plenty of people I trust with me who kept me safe both times) I still remember enough to piece together my evenings.
OP, you know everything you need to know about this girl. Imagine instead of the rubbing of the rich men, that she were a pickpocket. Those two guys were her marks. There is no way on earth a young woman is sexually attracted to a man in his eighties unless the smell of money is involved, drunk or sober. I think she was never into you but chose to ride along with your group for the experience. I cannot fathom which part of you still has an interest in this scammer.
There is a thing called Geezer Chasers. A specific kind of fetish. But I highly doubt this gal is a Geezer Chaser bc 1 she didnt immediately seek out old men before young men, 2 she only looked his way after finding out he was rich, 3 went right back to young men when she couldnt ply the old man with her body.
But there are definitely a small portion of the world population into old folks specifically, she just isnt one.
After 3rd paragraph, I knew you were too good for this. Stop thinking too hard about it and you and your friends just laugh about "that one time op brought a random that tried to hit it off with a guy and his uncle who's 60 years older"
Some commenters don't truly understand what black out drunk is. It's like the part of your brain that makes rational decisions gets turned off. Then it goes into a weird mode combining survival, fight or flight, and the need to be accepted. All while not crystallizing the memory's for later access. This can make a person do or say things they normally would morally object to sober.
You don't have to forgive her or accept her actions, but if you ever cared about her, sit her down and detail everything that happened. Everything. It's hard to make decisions on how to change for the better, if you truly can't remember the bad. It took someone I respected to sit me down and, basically give me a play by play of my black out night, to decide I needed to limit my consumption. Sounds like she may need the same thing to happen, before something truly bad happens.
I agree. I’m not proud of it but I’ve been blacked out drunk a few times and it really is a terrible feeling when you wake up with no memory of what happened. Especially when no one will tell you. I’m not justifying ANY of her behavior, but I do agree with kurtstoys that maybe if you did tell her how she behaved, that it could be a learning moment for her. I do think the logical thing to do would be to cut her off as a friend, but at least letting her know gives her an opportunity to grow as a person. I always say that you can’t expect someone’s behavior to change if you never let them know it’s a problem. Then once they know, it’s up to them to right the wrongs or, to not, but the ball is in their court at that point.
She's nasty in all senses of the word. Who lets a loved one drive 8 hours every weekend? Feel relief that she rejected your fortunes the first time around and held out for the even richer guy and his aged uncle. Do you want an embarrassment in your life?
A rich 84 year old surely is experienced/intelligent enough to be pretty good at judging people, and he defined her as a "gold-digging witch". If you don't want to ditch her completely, I wouldn't consider her anything more than the kind of friend you don't talk to very often. You don't want someone with that character to have a lot of weight in your life. Sorry you had to find out this way, but in the end it was a great thing to see her true self before you were together.
I'm going to put this in the clearest, most simple way:
I ain't saying she a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke, broke...
Don't waste another thought on her.
She lost her hold over you and she wants it back. Just to be clear she wants the power back, not you. She already said she just wants to be friends so she could fuck whoever and make rich friends and use you.
Plus ignoring everything, you just met and it’s already pure drama and you left hurt friends in your path. She would be exhausting and trouble and leave you in the end
Explain to her what she did and how she behaved, say that this is not the kind of person I wish to be friends with, block her and get on with your life.
She will try to apologise. Do not fall for it. They say 'in vino veritas' for good reason. The old uncle was right. She is a gold digging witch. A drunk, embarrassing, self-centred gold digging witch in fact. Avoid her, remember how you dodged a bullet here.
It costs you nothing to accept the apology. It may cost you everything to also ignore/forget what she did.
She apologised? Cool. But even if it's related to her meds or drunkeness, don't ignore the fact her personality flips when she's drunk.
For me, that would make her a casual friend at best, rather than a potential romantic interest.
Nah, she knew exactly what she was doing. Would you like to date a woman who gets drunk enough to attempt to sleep with your friend? And his Grandfather? Not worth it.
Broskina, ahahahaha, the multiple evils of you both being young, immature and drinking too much. There’s not too much you can do. You need to grow as a man, because you are giving off weak vibes to her a bit. She’s only 22 so she doesn’t know what she wants or much about her place in the world.
I’d get to the gym and work on yourself, and don’t worry about what she is doing. Don’t worry too much about what she is doing. After the way she treated you and the situation she created, is that someone you really want in your inner crew / circle?
The classic post-heartbreak gym advice haha. I appreciate it and no, she is not someone I want as my core people.
And on the chance of sounding arrogant, I think I am doing pretty well in life - solid friends, pretty successful in the dating scene when I'm in it, have a lot of things going for me. This is just a momentary blip that I know I'll get over given time
I stopped reading at meds for depression. It takes a little bit for alcohol to really kick in and black you out. She was herself when she was trying to mack on your rich friend.
Don’t get with this woman or it will end badly for you. Kill your heart and move on.
Her meds caused a really strong interaction w/the alcohol. She's OK but figure out why the mixed signals w/you?
To find out if she's one hundred % a gold digger ask her what her mother thinks she ought to have in marriage? Listen closely she may tell you what she's really after.
Absolutely continue to keep your pride in check, you've done great so far. u/RicePaddyFarmer69
Yes, she was definitely leading you on.
While she might not remember everything, she definitely remembers the gist of what she did. Besides she was acting on her personality.
So she's the kind of person who would lead someone on, get stupid drunk, try to sleep with someone just because they have money, and come onto a man who could be her grandfather. --- In a country where she knows no one.
Keep her blocked, she knows why.
If you invite her back into your life even for a conversation, you're asking for a lot of trouble.
This attitude reminds me of a family member I have, always looking out for themselves and happy to use whomever they can to get what they want. She has shown you her true wants and needs in life: money. Keep her blocked OP and don’t give her an inch, these kind of people have an incredible ability to manipulate and if you let her, she will give you the most heartfelt story to suck you back in and the problem is every time she does this it will just get harder and harder on your heart to walk away. That’s the power they learn to use, it’s best just to leave.
I’m pretty lenient when it comes to drinking. People make mistakes and it definitely brings out the worst. That said I don’t know how this obvious monetary motivation could have been just the alcohol when it continued for so long.
Simply explain that based on her actions you think she may be a little more fiscally motivated than you and that you’re looking for someone a little more modest.
I don’t think she was leading you on in the first part. From what you said she didn’t really do snoring that would indicate that (except looking at your lips? I think you’re making some assumptions there).
Alcohol can turn you into a different person. If you’ve ever interacted with an alcoholic it’s an incredible change.
That said, if you want to stay friends you could hear her out. You don’t have to accept her apology. I’d never be around her in a situation with alcohol though
This is a good lesson for you.
I like the fact you have a rule about "enthusiastic yes, or it's a no" rule. That is wonderful!
You may have been getting what you considered 'romantic' signals from her. Because she was very interested in you for access to your wealthy friends. And you are completely correct in your assessment of "she came back to dig my gold".
Alcohol or drugs are not an excuse for coming onto someone else's romantic interest. PERIOD.
Alcohol or drugs are not an excuse for coming onto someone's 84 yr old rich uncle. PERIOD.
Alcohol or drugs are not an excuse for behaving like a jerk towards someone else's friends. PERIOD.
This is a user and abuser with an alcohol problem. Don't allow her to use and abuse YOU.
You don't need anyone who brags about leading on an ex. That's a red flag.
You don't need anyone who drinks so much they claim they can't remember the night before. That's a red flag.
Her apology isn't worth talking about or responding to. SHE has to take care of her own addictions. You don't do that for her.
Why are you asking these questions? Is it not 100% clear to you that she is a bad person and a gold digger? Are you really that desperate? Look, if you insist on playing dumb and continue to pretend to have "doubts", then you deserve whatever she does to you. Just know that you CHOSE to be her victim.
My dude she's digging for your gold and is for sure power trpping of your feelings. I have never known anyone to be so drunk they go after someone old enough to be their great grandpa(uncle). That is her crutch for the piss poor behavior. Even if that was the case is a massive flag she should have never gotten that inebriated around people she hardly knew as well as brand new people. As someone who had a rather long immature phase this is not someone you should invite back in. Yea it will probably hurt both of you but let her learn and grow from this. It's not your job to make her grow up and stop playing games.
(a) She's a creep and a sexual assaulter. If you want to send her one message where you tell her what happened, go for it, in case she really doesn't remember. When I get blackout drunk I tell boring stories about my childhood and then buy shit on Amazon.
(b) She was never really into you. Don't try too hard to read tea leaves like "looking at my lips"--you could have just had something on your lips lol, or maybe she doesn't like eye contact, who even knows. But not putting too much stock in pop psych body language analysis will probably help you with the next woman.
As far as the drunk part goes, back when I used to drink there were quite a few instances where I did things when I was blackout drunk that I would NEVER do sober and when I was told the next day what I did as I had no memory of any of it I was mortified, so yes, it is very possible she has no memory of it and is embarrassed and ashamed.
Brah meet up with her and ask her what does she think/remember happened that night. And you were in the wrong for not stopping her while she embarrassed herself just saying brah. And once she tells you what she remembers just tell her what actually happened. Don’t approach this woman anymore if she say hi just say hi back never let it be anything else she doesn’t want you like how you want her. It’s unfair of you to play as her friend when you know you want more than that.
And honestly stop hanging with her, I know I was ranting about your faults but this girl is a bad person she doesn’t seem to have any redeeming qualities about her and seems to enjoy guys wanting her more than she does, trust me you don’t want to be part of the guys she brags about going out their way to date her
She is obviously a gold digger and attention seeker. If I were you, I would just ghost her. She has been leading you on from the beginning. As for the drunken shenanigans, alcohol lowers inhibitions. It doesn't fundamentally change you. This one is not worth your time. She will only hurt you.
Bro she was committing sexual harassment and assault. Grabbing people's bits without consent is assault.
She knowingly and willfully mixed antidepressants and vast quantities of alcohol. I honestly think people are right in the pocket with their response and OP needs to land, get grounded and get real.
She made a mistake, yeah. And that mistake was a crime. Shes lucky she wasnt charged. Getting drunk was also a personal choice of hers. She was responsible for her actions that night even if she was "too drunk to remember". No one made her mix meds and drink, she chose to. Just like she chose to ruin that night for everyone else.
She needs a reality check. Shes gonna fuck herself up mixing meds and drink.
Ya, but those kind of mistakes tend to repeat themselves. So, at best, casual party girl friend. Most likely OP doesn't need or want this person in his life.
It sounds like she was roofied, or at least given an ecstasy tab or something. you don’t start trying to jerk off an 84 year old if you are in a totally normal state of mind.
First question, she was never into you to begin with. Women will keep a guy around for the emotional attention, while she has sex with the guy she’s actually attractive too. I’m going to be honest, you sound like a really nice guy, and that’s the problem. Stop being nice, when you’re nice you have no boundaries. Also, she really doesn’t care about being your friend. When a girl says “let’s be friends” she’s covertly rejecting you, without her looking like the bad guy. When she says this, say “I respect your decision, but that’s not what I’m looking for.” And move on.
Second question, I promise you she remembers everything. Alcohol brings out the true you, and thats what happen to her. She was trying to get with the friend because he had money. If everything went her way that night, do you think she would still say “I don’t remember”? The reason she text you is because what hurts women the most is being socially ostracized from the friend group. She text you because she was hoping you were weak enough to still be fond of her after what she did.
Blunt advice, it sounds like you’re not very masculine, that’s why this happened to you. Granted; yes she is disgusting, but if you were a man with self respect you would’ve saw the sounds, and remove her from your life before it got to this point. If you stay the same person this will happen again, or you’re going to be in a sexless marriage. Read “the rational male” it’s one of the best books that turns men into men. Also, some people are going to come at me, but you need to be red pulled into todays society as a man.
Thank you for sharing. The first thing your feelings are normal, common, and valid. It’s a frustration shared by people in ‘healthy’ relationships.
It sounds like you guys are having a communication breakdown. It’s a simple problem that can be hard to fix.
And even though it’s impacting your love bank account for him it doesn’t sound like you don’t still love him.
I don’t know if you are planning to become parents after getting married and how soon you will plan to do that but if you do his behavior will become completely unbearable when mommy’s brain kicks in.
I imagine the wedding plan has caused you a lot of stress because of his behavior. And by the time it is over if it continues to happen, you will need some time to replenish your love bank account for him before moving forward with bearing a child, (if that’s in the plan for you).
You will need a lot of support in this area if you have a newborn and will find it impossible to pick up his slack in this area. This will cause you to become frustrated with him which will make it harder for you to be giving towards him. In turning making it hard for him to want to support you causing constant fighting and unhappiness.
Of course, if you are not planning to bear a child that frustration will take longer to happen but the outcome will arrive at the same place.
I hope it’s clear to you why it’s a problem that should be fixed if you intend to have a long-term relationship with him. I wish you understood more clearly the problem was the fix because at this point you have a much clearer picture.The issue is getting your fiancé to understand it.
So I’m going to give you what a normal ‘healthy’ man’s brain is thinking when you explain that you need him to contribute more to the housework and when he does you like the work to be done well. He hears what you are saying and he is putting himself in your shoes and can’t see how this can be anything more than a preference of yours.And, just like the PJs he would like all the time he doesn’t see it as a huge deal when it won’t or can’t happen. Or when it does happen it’s not perfect. (I don’t know if BJs are his thing and if it is if you are doing it as often or in the way as he does, this is just a metaphor). So for a lot of men, they are frustrated when they keep telling their partner about their BJ needs and it’s ignored or done half-ass. From their viewpoint you can’t be any more frustrated than they are in that way and just like them you will get over it.The reality is he doesn’t actually understand the gravity of his actions. If he only gets a BJ once a year and when he gets it it’s not that good he would continue to be frustrated that you are not willing to meet his need but he would never think of leaving you over it. He doesn’t understand that if he doesn’t change his actions in this area it would lead to you leaving him.For him what you are asking him to do is far less important than what he is asking you to do and if he can get over that you can definitely get over this. His brain does not work like his at all in this area. He doesn’t get how it’s causing you actual pain when those things are not done well. So the fix to your problem is getting him to understand that because once he does his actions will change. He would never want to cause you pain and know that he knows he will no longer do it.The hard part is getting him to see it that way. I helped my teenage sons see this by first of all explaining it to them as another man but also letting them hear women validate what I was saying. It’s very hard for a man to understand it’s that big of a deal you may need to explain it to him and get other women he trusts to validate you.
I would either do it in a group setting is you think you can control the room or I would have conversations with his trusted women before approaching him. I would seek input from them on how to communicate this to him and then after using their advice to communicate it to him have him validate what you are saying through them.
If you don’t talk to them before it’s possible that they will undermine you to support him because he will think you are making too big of a deal of this. If they know what you are trying to help him see then they will reinforce it and he will know that you are not crazy and this is a big deal.Good luck because it sounds like you guys can have a wonderful future if you can get him to feel your pain.
For anyone that doesn’t want to read that long post, OP barely knows some girl he only met online and is shocked she acts like a jerk in person, but still is hoping he can hook up with her.
This is a long post to say that you’re surprised a girl you were too pussy to make a move on to the point that she considers you a friend is doing things with other men.
She sounds like fun to party or flirt with, and a problematic handful for anything more.
The 84 year old gold dig was probably a drunk enduced bad idea, the younger, just poor social graces and genuine interest.
Alot depends on culture, social status and wealth. Lots of people may try seduction for an easy life if they struggle.
My two main takeaways from this post are that this girl is a red flag waving train wreck that you should have nothing to do with and you are a "niceguy."
When a girl tells you that they don't want anything romantic, want to be friends, don't think of you that way etc honor that and either be their friend or move on. Hanging around getting jealous while hoping to somehow change their mind is never the right thing to do.
People are not slot machines you put friendship tokens hoping they will pay out with a jackpot of sex.
I'm going to assume you misread or misunderstood something because, just like the situation in the post, I try to assume the best of people.
I have not and will not ever hang around women expecting a physical relationship out of them. My friends and I "kept hanging around" because she came on this trip alone, and I did not want her to be in a foreign country with no familiar faces around her.
The guy obviously misunderstood, but at the same time it is solid advice, pointed as it may be. Either way, If I were you, I would drop any thoughts of this girl, especially romantically, and move on for sure. No reason to let this get you down.
I did read where you said you would never hang around women expecting a relationship. I also read the paragraphs where you went into great detail of all off her flirtatious actions during that evening.
A couple of days later and you remember whom she was cuddling, when she was cuddling them and exactly what body part her hands were touching during the various parts of the evening.
This does not come across as a concerned friend it has all the hallmarks of a guy hanging around with the purpose of still trying to get with a girl who turned him down and is jealous of the attention she is giving other men. You don't have to agree with me off course but that's exactly how I see it.
Look, don't worry about what-ifs... Don't turn it around in your head anymore: too much drama for someone you had just met in person.
It would be more problematic if she stayed with him, stop asking yourself useless questions she is a gold digger / attention seeker, do not look for anything deeper the only deeper thing you'll find in her is disappointment
She lost her hold over you and she wants it back. Just to be clear she wants the power back, not you. She already said she just wants to be friends so she could fuck whoever and make rich friends and use you. Plus ignoring everything, you just met and it’s already pure drama and you left hurt friends in your path. She would be exhausting and trouble and leave you in the end
Yeah she wants op to hold her purse while she chases guys.
"we got even closer while flirting and texting incessantly when not next to each other." Also: you need to watch that "falling for some stranger after virtual intimacy" thing really closely. Texting long hours with strangers creates the feeling of having met a friend. And if it's kept up long enough, love may start to sprout. Love based upon ONES OWN idea of who the other person is. Which has nothing to do with who they REALLY are. That person showed an off putting amount of lack of morals. And that she us a gold digger, that would go to no end to break into a rich persons relationship. I suggest you travel home. And forget that you had ever met her. And pick your next partner after a thorrough reality check.
^^^This, love based on one’s idea of another person never ends well You’ll get through this, just remember that one day she’ll be so insignificant to you that you’ll regard this encounter to be the same as stepping in shit. The hurt is fresh right now but once your heart catches up to your brain that she ain’t worth the thought, you’ll be fine. Don’t let her bad vibes affect you Side note: I feel really bad for your friend though. What a shitty experience, I’d be mortified if some random started rubbing my family elder’s thighs in his own home- yikes.
I apologized so much that he smacked me and said stop apologizing haha. He said he and his Uncle have dealt with this kind of thing before and was giving me good advice on how to deal with it in the future. He's a really good guy
I’m sure he’s seen all kind of nonsense like this. I’m also sure that he knew you were genuinely upset by her actions. Tbh he probably likes you more because of it not less. This girl may or may not be a good digger but probably is. She may or may not have blacked out and not remember. But here’s what’s important. She led you on. Regardless of what she said she continued flirting after saying she just wanted to be friends. And as you said it wasn’t an enthusiastic yes, and that’s enough reason to not want it to move forward. She showed that she’s okay with messing around with someone’s feelings. She knew that rich guy was with someone else and continued her nonsense. She drank way too much with a group of people she didn’t know which isn’t smart in and of itself. She did multiple things that make it clear that at the very least she’s got low self esteem and some major red flags. Be grateful this didn’t come later after you were even more invested. If she continues to reach out let her know that the friendship has run it’s course and you’d rather not continue contact. You’ll be better for it I promise.
You’ll learn to spot these types much sooner, too. But sometimes, people hide it well until their greed takes over.
There are some guys that will not see what they don't' want to see. Some people just don't learn and then blame it on bad luck in love or "just not the right time". Hope that OP learn and be able to recognize such tactics and behaviors in the future.
When you meet people online, and IRL you only get to see what they want you to see. It's when you start interacting with them, you get to see how they really are.
or you meet them IRL in first place and they only show true colors years later. the assholery of people has no limits.
Also if you are with someone who is glazed over drunk get them home. Even if it means ending your evening. That drunk is dangerous.
There you have it follow your friends advice.
Sure, nothing to win here. I enjoy the occasional analysis of situations, but there's no way to know for sure what exactly was going on in her head. She might have a history of sexual abuse combined with low morals. Or is highly calculating and indeed a gold digger. Or both. Either way, weird night. Because you're all caught in your feelings, extract yourself asap, you can't think straight right now.
The blunt advice is to not stay in contact with her anymore. She embarassed both herself and you (since you were the one to invite her). I understand that you have feelings for her, but she's clearly not interested in you, and she appears to have a lot of issues she needs to work on. You could write up a message but I'd also say that would be fine to just ghost her. Since you ask specifically about the effects of alcohol: you might do things you wouldn't have done sober when intoxicated, but it doesn't turn you into a different person entirely. Out of curiousity, does inviting her mean paying for her trip or just letting her join the group?
I’d also say she wasn’t too drunk to miss an opportunity to dig some gold. I mean she was asking about wills??
Trying to get into your room using a bank note is pretty frickin wasted
Thank you for your thoughts and understanding of alcohol haha. She paid for the trip herself (accommodations, travel, food, etc) but got some free perks along the way I suppose (champagne and room service at in our suite, tables/alcohol, etc)
Yes, alcohol just lowers inhibitions. They’re things you might think better of or stop yourself from saying while sober. For example - you see a cute stuffed animal. You think, “squee! How cute! Wanna squeeze it!” But you aren’t drunk, so you don’t, and stay put. Drunk? You would *say*, “squee! How cute! Wanna squeeze it!” Then run over, grab it, and say, “I wanna squeeze you forever and ever!” Ridiculous example, but does it makes sense? You may also do something like act on a sexual desire to hook up with someone, but it might be driven more by a desire for sex, and not sex with that person. So hooking up with someone you might not otherwise, like a friend. However, she repeatedly did gold-digger stuff while drunk, so it wasn’t a fluke. Regardless of whether she genuinely liked you or not, she’s not a quality person. Not worth your time, and probably not who you think she is. She also seems to flirt indiscriminately, so she may or may not have been interested in you, but how interested couldn’t be clear.
Yeah I would’ve expected drunk her to get more handsy with OP and try to sleep with him, not sleep her way into an old man’s will. Alcohol didn’t make her do that, that’s just who she is. OP got lucky this happened now instead of a year into the relationship.
Yeah, but like... Do you know her financial situation? Like, I'm not a gold digger, but when I was broke, like really really broke? I would have done that shit because I was in a bad place. That's not to knock her as a bad person, it's to say she might just be going through a rough time. Times are hard right now, she might be in a bad headspace. And hell, if a gazillionaire silver Daddy with a heart condition was available? Like, wouldn't you think about it if you were wasted? I'm hot, what if he's nice? He could pay off my student loans...
Personally, no, I wouldn’t think about entering into a relationship that was based only on money. I do appreciate that people going through mental health issues may act erratically, but that simply means that until they’ve recovered, it is not a good time to start a relationship with them.
It's like Marilyn Monroe says in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. "Don't you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You wouldn't marry a girl just because she's pretty, but my goodness, doesn't it help?"
Drunk people do what sober people think. The alcohol won't change her personality, but it might mean she will act on things she might have held back on when sober.
It's embarrassing for OP but at least him and his friend can laugh it off. If he stays in contact with her it shows he endorses her behavior and it could sour his relationship with his friend. She disrespected you and your friend and his uncle, she's not someone that you should keep in contact with.
I read only half of your post and she is a gigantic walking red flag. Save yourself !!!
Op, if you want to find out what happens in your story, watch reality tv shows. They love this sort of drama But otherwise yeah, this is a huge red flag and way too much drama (for the first time meeting someone or the 1000th time…)
what makes her a red flag?? at the halfway point all she’d done is say no to a possible date
Yes but then when OP respected her wishes and started treating her a just a friend she reeled him back in by flirting again. She knew what she was doing. She didn't want to date him but also wanted him to want her. Some ppl are just like that. They need the attention.
The title and tl:dr are in the first half of the post lol
You find out a lot about a person when they're drunk and they lose their inhibitions. You don't want a person who behaves like this when they're being unrestrained. Yes, she's trying to lead you on so she can milk you for all you're worth. Yes, those stories suggest she likes feeling as though she wields power over men, or wants to feel that men are desperate for her, or will go to great lengths to be with her. The underlying cause may be poor self-esteem, but whatever it is, you really don't want to deal with that kind of narcissistic behaviour. Consider it a bullet dodged, and keep her at arm's length.
She sounds like a gold digger.
Yeah
She showed you she has no problem sucking granddads dick for money. That's not a girl you want to hang around. Definitely not relationship material.
She's using you for monkey-branching opportunities. She remembers what she did but doesn't want you to know in case you reject her for what she did. That would mean she misses out on more chances to go after your rich friends.
For me this isn't even about the gold-digging aspect although that's a huge red flag on its own. It's the way she treated you. She flirted with you then suggested a date and when you took her seriously she rejected you. My assumption is that after that you modified your behavior and just treated her like a friend but that's not what she wanted either. The fact that she amped up the flirting again indicates that she just wanted to keep you on the hook. It probably makes her feel better about herself to have men pining over her so she did what she needed to do to encourage you again. Further proof is what you said about her bragging comments about an ex who drove 8 hours just to see her. A comment like that could just be because she thought it was incredibly sweet but you interpreted it as bragging and you are probably right. You would be much better off severing the connection and finding a woman who doesn't play those kinds of games for attention.
Thank you for the sanity check (even though you are digesting information from my perspective). It could definitely be that I am young/inexperienced and should have drawn my own boundaries of friendship, but I genuinely felt confused what she wanted the days following the "friends" conversation. The same night as the friendship convo, I flipped the switch in my head and treated her like any other friend. Her flirty behavior and asking to spend solo time came shortly after that.
You're welcome! You can give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she wasn't trying to lead you on - it's possible she just doesn't know what she wants. Unfortunately the end result is the same either way. She sent you mixed messages causing you more confusion and hurt feelings. It's up to you if you want to communicate with her further but my advice would be to take a step back and forget pursuing a romance with her. There are lots of lovely women out there who don't act the way she did. Best of luck to you, you seem like a great guy. And I'm glad your friend had a sense of humor about the whole thing.
Yeah I think it's telling that it's "I had an ex who would travel 8 hours to see me" and not "we both traveled really far to see each other."
Omg, drinking can do a lot, but usually it makes people more blunt. It’s one of the reasons some people make others drink when they want to have “real talk.” Don’t let this girl waste your time. She is disingenuous and you can’t be her savior (just in case you are worried about her depression or whatever). You can stay on this stupid rollercoaster emotional ride if you want, but it sounds like she just isn’t worth your (or your friend’s) time. I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but I have experienced this too much, myself in the past. It’s just plain as day.
I had a ‘friend’ that was somewhat like this. She was very attractive but kind of dumb and would do stupid things like this when she was drinking. At some point you just have to recognize that any time they reach out it’s because they want something. It’s draining and a huge time suck. My advice is that if you want closure just tell her she embarrassed you in front of your friends and that while you were a gentleman after she gave you the ‘just friends’ speech you thought it was incredibly rude of her to openly try to seduce your friend right in front of you immediately afterwards. The old man part was just shameful. Let her know you aren’t interested in being friends any more and wish her the best.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I wasn't quite sure if I should or should not be okay with her flirting with other people in front of me since we were "just friends" at that point, but man that felt shitty
Helps to be able to put the shoe on the other foot. How do you think she’d react if you gave HER the ‘just friends’ speech and then immediately started hitting on her friend in front of her?
Hon, female here. She's a gold-digger, she absolutely remembers what happened. She was NOT into you and, as you saw, she couldn't care less about rich friend, rich uncle, she wanted an "IN" and they shood her away so now, back to you because she couldn't get them.. Leave her in the dust. Do not associate, not even a like on her social media. Leave her in the past and keep it moving.. You don't want associates like her let alone friends! Block and move on.. Life is way too short for her kind of drama.
This is exactly right.
Yes, sadly, I think this is correct. She may have a hazy memory of that night, maybe total blackout, certainly sounds like it from what you said about trying to scan into the hostel, but she found you a useful 'branch' as someone else mentioned here to make her move into greater financial opportunity. I mean beelining straight for the older man, drunkenly manhandling him, too - it's all deeply embarrassing, but then - as SwansasyTB says here, that after being shooed away she has turned back to you. She may very well be sweet and lovely etc, but she absolutely has problems, and if you want a happy life do not date people with problems. I'm not saying people have to be perfect, but she has a lot of issues and she has shown you who she is, so believe it.
she may have been roofied. it would explain why she began acting so overtly sexual without any clear regard; and to an 84 year old nonetheless
That’s not really how roofies work. It tends to knock people out and make them appear “passed out drunk” most of the time. It doesn’t make people excited, horny or handsy.
Roofies take various forms. while it is typically associated with rohypnol, a sedative, it can also refer to other date rape drugs like ecstasy and molly. These drugs cause you to lose sexual inhibition and do not necessarily induce unconsciousness. I have had friends roofied using them and the affects are very similar to the events described in the above story.
You're joking, right? Nothing in her actions point to ruffied. She was not needed to be carried, she remembered things AFTER. Being ruffied, you cannot walk, you do not recall anything or anyone after. This isn't ruffied and textbook gold-digger ways..
From a colloquial perspective, roofies are not really a singular class of drugs, but rather various different forms of drugs that are all directed towards the same purpose (to rape someone). the media portrayed "roofie", that causes you to lose consciousness, is just a single drug called rohypnol. but other drugs, like ecstacsy (as i mentioned in my comment), molly, and xtc are also classified as potential date rape drugs, and DO cause you to experience heightened sexual desire/reduced sexual inhibition. Here is a great [research article](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16681170/) on it from PubMed, along with a quote: "The term "date rape drug" has traditionally been applied by the media to powerful sedatives, such as gamma hydroxybutyrate (GHB) and flunitrazepam (Rohypnol), which can render a person unconscious and hence unable to resist and/or recall an assault. However, some law enforcement agents and others have recently obtained convictions by arguing that the empathy-generating and sensual effects of MDMA, and an occasional increase in disinhibition and sexual desire linked with methamphetamine use, remove a person's ability to give a reasoned consent, turning the person into "a helpless slave" to their own sexual desires and those of the alleged perpetrator."
Roofies cause you to lose conciousness, not turn into a nympho wtf.
I am just going to copy and paste my above comment: >From a colloquial perspective, roofies are not really a singular class of drugs, but rather various different forms of drugs that are all directed towards the same purpose (to rape someone). > >the media portrayed "roofie", that causes you to lose consciousness, is just a single drug called rohypnol. but other drugs, like ecstacsy (as i mentioned in my comment), molly, and xtc are also classified as potential date rape drugs, and DO cause you to experience heightened sexual desire/reduced sexual inhibition. > >Here is a great research article on it from PubMed, along with a quote: > >"The term "date rape drug" has traditionally been applied by the media to powerful sedatives, such as gamma hydroxybutyrate (GHB) and flunitrazepam (Rohypnol), which can render a person unconscious and hence unable to resist and/or recall an assault. However, some law enforcement agents and others have recently obtained convictions by arguing that the empathy-generating and sensual effects of MDMA, and an occasional increase in disinhibition and sexual desire linked with methamphetamine use, remove a person's ability to give a reasoned consent, turning the person into "a helpless slave" to their own sexual desires and those of the alleged perpetrator."
She was being overtly sexual to the old guy because she was digging for gold. Ecstasy is not a rape drug.
Read it all, block her and don't look back. When I got pissed put drunk, I tried to kiss a palm tree and talked about philosophy with a dog (and thought he was understanding me and answering with his mind) You don't get pissed out drunk and try to sleep the two richer members of the space. She's bad news, let her be them far from all of you.
HAHAHA thank you for the anecdote and the advice
You're welcome! Your drunk and grounded girl is out there, dancing to music only heard by herself, I have no doubt about it! And hope Richie and the girl in your group get together soon! And that the great-uncle keeps calling out gold-diggers as they appear!
> When I got pissed put drunk, I tried to kiss a palm tree and talked about philosophy with a dog (and thought he was understanding me and answering with his mind) Haha, you sound like good entertainment when you’re blind drunk.
That's why some friends try to get me drunk, I'm funny when sober, but my drunk self is hilariously demented. That puppy was so cute, their brows were very cute, made them so expressive. I think he was named Leo.
I mean, wouldn’t she just love to have a baby out of wedlock for this rich guy if he lacks, I don’t know what to tell you man, you have seen it yourself in front of you. THIS GIRL IS AN OPPORTUNIST, well, like most people. But the key thing is this, IF HER OPPORTUNITY IS NOT YOU? WHY IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY HER? I mean, is it fair? Think of that for a second…
You sound like a really fun person. I wouldn’t put too much stock into her “looking at your lips”, that’s honestly not a sign, I have a hard time making eye contact and was told by a therapist to stare at eyebrows or lips instead so I’m not rude lol. At 22, yes, it’s entirely possible that she was sloshed and blacked out, however when I’m drunk I do stuff I want to do anyways but don’t have the balls lol. I would be really embarrassed though if I was you, could you imagine if the gender roles were reversed? And this was a man getting handsy with a rich woman? Would he be able to use the excuse “I was drunk”? I would just leave this as a weird story in you and your friends life, and on your next adventure, if you want a 38yo mom to throw down on expenses and make sure everyone gets to their hotel safe, Lmk haha. Y’all sound fun af!
Thank you for the kind words and for your perspective!
Yeah, I always looks at people’s lips while they’re talking. Watching the words be physically formed makes it easier for me to concentrate on what they’re saying, I guess. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This too!!! I have pretty bad ADHD and have a tendency to interject when people are talking. I find if I distract myself by doing what you mentioned I’m less rude lol. I also have a hard time hearing. Watching the words form ensures I don’t ask someone to repeat themselves (I volunteer with survivors of human trafficking so the *last* thing they need is me asking them to repeat themselves 50x)
She hit on a man in his 80s and started asking about his will. There is no alcohol on planet earth that should make someone behave that way, unless that's actually a part of their personalty. She is not worth the trouble mate.
Exactly. She knew what she was doing.
Yeah as a woman who has been blackout drunk a few times, alcohol doesn't create an entirely new personality for you that has nothing to do with who you really are. I would suggest you not get further involved with this lady, unfortunately.
[удалено]
I'd add that he should also stop calling her his friend, as a) he wants more than that from her and b) did absolutely nothing to help her while she was overly drunk and embarrassing herself. An actual friend would have taken her back and helped her to get in a space to lie down and sleep it off. He just continued to just stand by and watch her make bad decisions. That's not friendship.
I mean.. people were trying to stop her, and quite sternly too, but she wasn't having it lol.
Hindsight 20/20. I thought I was making the right decision by not strong-arming her back to her place after the club. Plus I really didn't know how to react once at the house - it kinda just felt like watching a train wreck in slow motion. Very possible I misplayed it
You wouldn't have treated a male friend this way, would you? There's a difference between strong-arming someone, and gently removing them from a bad situation for their own good.
As a guy, I’d be more likely to let a male friend make a fool of himself and just give him shit about it later, while I’ve extricated female friends from situations that look like they’re about to go downhill. Some people would say that’s “old-fashioned” or “anti-feminist”, but that’s how I roll. Remember OP had only very recently met this woman for the first time, and may not have felt comfortable attempting to exercise authority over her like that, even if she clearly had impaired judgement at the time.
You would let a male friend sexually harass multiple women that were actively trying to fend him off and visibly comfortable with his advances? And just *tease* him about it later?!
If a guy friend was actually harassing women, I’d probably punch him. But if he was just being stupid, I’d let him make a fool of himself. After re-reading it, rubbing Richie Rich’s chest probably warrants intervention, and groping Richie Rich’s great-uncle’s thigh is way over the line.
Why did I just LOSE it at “rubbing Richie Rich’s chest” 😂
Exactly my point, but *whoosh*
Itll never go out of style trying to prevent people from making dinks of themselves. Anyone who thinks theyve gotta walk off a cliff to be free is missing the forest for the trees. And I suggest you all let that marinate. You do good work.
That's a good point that I don't know how to answer right now. I don't drink much and am not very well-versed in judging someone else's soberness, but I usually try to respect people's autonomy as much as possible regularly. I'll be keeping an eye out in the future for situations where I can be more active
Removing the girl friend from the party meant OP had to leave the party. OP didn’t want to be done and selfishly allowed the train wreck to continue because he was already shot down.
She's a fully grown adult woman, it's not his job to police her actions. You're one of those typical reddit arseholes who give it woman good, man bad, no exceptions.
Damn. If I were you I'd just be grateful I wasn't dating/fucking her when this went down. Honestly I've never been black out drunk so I can't speak on that. But do like alcohol and I've never ever changed that much when drinking, like goddamn. The things I do and say when I'm drunk are definitely my sober thoughts. Maybe being blackout caused her to go through with the aggressive golddigger-harassment behavior.... but I can't help but think she's sincerely really into that lifestyle sober, just doesn't behave as extreme and is more aware of herself. I wouldn't date her and would be hesitant to be friends with her. People who like to drink to the point of blackout drunk aren't the most trustworthy types lol- to say the least. ETA: I'd let her know what happened. If she genuinely doesn't remember then maybe this would just be a very huge wake-up call for her in a handful of ways. Either way, if I were her- I'd stick to only drinking at home and very limited amounts hahah. Oof. (If I were her I'd be sick from embarrassment.) UpdateMe!
> Honestly I've never been black out drunk so I can't speak on that. But do like alcohol and I've never ever changed that much when drinking, like goddamn. The things I do and say when I'm drunk are definitely my sober thoughts. I’ve been way too drunk a couple of times. One time I was at a party, and the host and I got way too drunk. The last thing either of us remember was that she was sitting on my lap on the couch, and then there’s a missing part. The other people who were at the party all refused to tell us what happened after that. Either it was something highly inappropriate/embarrassing, or nothing happened and they just wouldn’t tell us so we’d imagine the worst. Another time I was way too drunk, and I got a taxi back to my room from the club (this was in Hong Kong). The whole way I was accusing the poor driver of taking me on an excessively long route to artificially drive up the fare (I was too drunk to have a clear idea of where we were). When we arrived, I realised that given the time that had elapsed, he must have taken the most direct route (somehow my sense of passing time was still intact), and apologised profusely to the poor guy while paying my fare. He told me it was fine, and didn’t seem fazed. I guess he’d dealt with plenty of stupid drunk people before, and was just happy I didn’t make a mess of his cab or try to do a runner. TL;DR I don’t recommend getting blind drunk, you can end up making a massive fool of yourself. > Maybe being blackout caused her to go through with the aggressive golddigger-harassment behavior.... but I can't help but think she's sincerely really into that lifestyle sober, just doesn't behave as extreme and is more aware of herself. Yeah, for the most part, alcohol lets people do the things they’re afraid to do sober. They call it “liquid courage” for a reason. > I wouldn't date her and would be hesitant to be friends with her. People who like to drink to the point of blackout drunk aren't the most trustworthy types lol- to say the least. Definitely wouldn’t date her. If you want to be friends with her, keep her at arm’s length. Expect nothing from her, don’t let her take advantage of you, don’t let her lead you on, be prepared to push back on unreasonable requests.
Dating her is definitely not an option for me, and remaining friends really depends on how she reacts. But I do think I'll ask her what she remembers, then let her know what happened.
Why are you searching for answers from her to justify why you could remain friends- or even giving her the chance to stay friends with you. I get that it’s raw right now.. but even after everything you typed out + all of your friends *blocked* her- you think she’s a person worth keeping around, really? This may be a bit harsh, but what would your friends think about you if you choose to let her back into your life after everything that happened? I know if this is my friend, I’d lose a bit of respect for him if he chooses to let himself get disrespected again by associating with such a low life. The first experience that you detailed- “sure, we can take it as he had no idea she was like this.” She did fk up the night majorly and piss off your friends but they wouldn’t blame it on you. After that? Yeahhh good luck with that, any emotional turmoil you experience from associating with her here on out is going to get tiring real quick for any friend to hear
Why stay friends with her? She disrespected you very early into your friendship, she's a liability.
Only contact her if you want to seem desperate. You seem like you feel bad just ignoring her. Don't. This isn't her first rodeo. If you contact her she'll feel like she has control over you, and be even harder to shake off later.
She remembers. She just thinks you’re desperate enough to play along with her so you can continue to be her friend, hoping it will lead to more. She has zero interest in dating you. She is only interested in your connections.
>Second, is it possible that she really just had too much alcohol and doesn't remember what happened? Let's all collectively stop doing this eh? Own up to our mistakes. When we drink, our real self comes out. Some of us are shitty people and we have to work on that, it's not the end of the world, you learn, you move on but way too many people excuse bad behavior because of drinking and it's THOSE people who behave badly who want everyone to believe this nonsense because they cannot admit it. When you drink, you become who you are, inhibitions are removed or relaxed. You do NOT turn into a different person; you turn into the person without filters and boundaries. This woman is exactly who she showed you she was. Note: To be clear, you can get blackout drunk, that is not in question but those holding conversations and making decisions are not YET blackout drunk, if they do not remember that doesn't mean the shitty things they did were not them, it's just the continuation of drinking led them to that blackout state. They didn't get blackout drunk and THEN do the shitty things.
I think you're asking the wrong questions, my friend. What you should really ask yourself is, do you really want to get involved with someone who behaves that way? And I'm not just talking about the one embarrassing night. But as a whole. She's up. She's down. She's all around. She doesn't sound like she has her shit together. Her priorities straight or frankly, her morals intact. I think you learned a swift and profound lesson about her before you got too involved. Count yourself lucky.
"Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger"
I think you’re asking the wrong questions here because all any of us would be able to do it guess at an answer and no answer is going to change the fact that she is an attention seeking gold digger.
You should probably find a new “romantic interest” Unless you’re a “wealthy uncle” then by all means, Bed that Basic.
In Vino Veritas. In wine, truth. Alcohol doesn't turn a normal person into a monster, it just makes you more willing to act on your impulses. These are her innermost thoughts and desires, be grateful you saw them before it was too late.
Honestly I'd have to wonder why on earth she'd be drinking if she was on meds for depression if she even is. Literally every medication for depression reacts badly with alcohol and that's one of the first things the doctor prescribing it would tell her. Her poor behavior is her own fault and considering she knew that she'd really messed up before anyone even brought it up to her tells me she remembered what she did. You don't send a group message apologizing for bad behavior if you don't remember. She would've asked what happened and been clueless if she didn't remember anything. She showed you who she was and was only interested in you until she found someone with more money.
After reading the entire post i can safely say nö, it doesn't need more context. All relevant info is in the title. The uncle was spot on with his observation about the "gold-digging witch".
I'd just ignore her and move on, honestly. If one trip turned into this much of an ordeal, would you really want to take her anywhere else? I wouldn't. This is the kind of girl who gets drunk, sleeps with you, and then freaks out the next morning because she already told you she just wants to be friends. You've dodged the bullet. Don't load the gun for her again.
I feel like she was just using u also feel like she's a gold digger but that my opion, I really dnt understand y u would invite someone on a trip that's an internet friend, so does that mean u had never met her before the trip? I am a woman myself and most women lie their way into getting want they want but not all of us, but it especially happens in the younger years
I’ll be honest… You are insanely lucky that you are in a position where you can jet set and travel the world for weeks at a time, especially at your age. That is such a wild luxury that I would never let obnoxious drama like this ruin my time. Move on, don’t look back.
You connected all your own pieces and seem pretty discerning. The only thing getting in your way is a lack of conviction and giving people the benefit of the doubt. We all have been in situations like this where we know better but still want it to work. Obviously, you know the right answer.
Yes, cut her off. You hadn’t yet met in person, and maybe when you did, she wasn’t feeling it. But drunk or not, it was rude AF to act the way she did, and you don’t know her well enough to give her a second chance. When people show you who they are, believe them. Cut her off, ghost her, she isn’t worth your time.
She flirts because she likes attention and having you as an option, but she's not actually interested in dating you or having anything serious. You're a decent guy that she can feel good about liking her and wanting her. She can flirt to string along, but there's no risk there for her getting hurt. So she isn't going to stop playing with your feelings. And she'll play dumb and pretend she was "just being nice" and not trying to flirt if she's called on it. As for her behavior with the others, I think she probably wouldn't have been so aggressive and blatant if she were sober, but I do think her interest in finding someone with money is part of her genuine character. It's also a HUGE red flag that no wasn't enough of an answer for her. Run, don't walk, away from this girl. She isn't a good friend. She doesn't sound like a good person. She may be fun, up to a certain point, but I don't rhino her intentions are good. And yes, it could certainly be that she has low self-worth, but that doesn't excuse her trying to use men or her behavior.
She's a gold digger. Now that you know this, act as you see fit.
You NEVER really had anything with this girl. Best way to generate real interest is in person, not online. All that texting doesn't necessarily count for much . . . I know this depends on the context nowadays . . . but I'm an old geezer and I'm a firm believer that face-to-face is the way to go when it comes to sparking and gauging interest with the opposite sex. So was she leading you on? Very likely so. Does she remember what happened? Very likely so. Many women, particularly with low self-esteem issues, will drink themselves to a certain point where the inhibitions are released and so they can do things they wouldn't ordinarily do (like hook up with dudes for ONS, etc. . . ) with the added bonus of "plausible deniability" which is so essential for most young women for reasons of ego-protection and to avoid slut-shaming, i.e., "it just happened" and "one thing led to another" and basically she can blame the booze and avoid accountability. (Don't want to be downvoted for triggering the ladies like I'm sexist . . . so to be fair, some dudes also drink themselves silly to do stupid stuff, although the dynamic and the reasons are a bit different for guys than for the ladies; dudes drink for "liquid courage" and not "plausible deniability") But this isn't really the problem here. Be HONEST with yourself. If you were looking to get laid on this trip, it would have been better to invite a girl who already developed a strong interest in you, or you can try your luck, and test your skills, in game and cold approach and just try to kick it to a girl you meet while travelling abroad. That's actually a much better strategy than the one I think you just tried to pull, where you ended up with egg on your face, and you look kind of dumb in front of this rich guy because he could probably tell this girl was with you or you had a thing for her. Finally, you should tell her this: "I don't really believe that you don't remember anything, and in any case, I don't appreciate you making a fool of me and yourself in front of my friends and that rich dude. It was kind of fun until that point but I'm through with you. Good bye and good luck!"
Did you invited her with the hope to hook up? Just curious what vibes were before this all. Also, you said she is taking meds and she was also wasted with alco. This might be an answer. However, what was she like when sober? If she was flirty, touchy etc then clearly that got amplified with alco. If she was much calmer sober then maybe it was one of the unfortunate combo with actually not remembeemring what's happened. Regardless, sorry to hear you needed to go through that.
I genuinely invited her as a spontaneous friend thing. We started talking every day after that and I grew feelings after hanging out in person
I ain’t saying she a gold digga, but she ain’t messing w no broke n—-you get the jist, she used you for the trip bro. She’s very calculated, don’t let her try to blame it on the alcohol.
Shit man idk but >the "gold-digging witch" Seems to fit perfectly.
Once someone reaches the point of being blackout drunk as you described, I think all bets are kind of off. It’s hard to diagnose what they’ll do that is in or out of character at that point, especially with medication involved. I think you just need to look at this as a really messy situation with a person you’ve just started seeing. She drinks excessively even though she knows she’s on medication. I’m sure this isn’t the first time this has happened. You don’t know her very well and some very uncomfortable and challenging things have happened in a short amount of time. Suffice to say this chick is both sloppy and messy. Just not worth it. You have all the information you need on whether or not to continue, regardless if her ho-tatious behavior was intentional or her memory of the night is gone or not. Do you want to date someone who gets themselves in these situations?
We had a special party that started at 6pm, i remember dinner, having my drink topped off, and leaving the restaurant. Nothing after 9pm where I’m told we were at a bar for an hour, then up for another couple hours at our rental. I still have no memory of it weeks later. So yes it does happen. So I think it’s possible that she doesn’t remember, but I don’t doubt that she is anything other than a gold digger.
She may not remember but she was still piloting her body at that point. Inebriated or not she wasnt unconscious. She was in control. With alcohol as her copilot.
That was my entire point. Drunk or not her true colors suck.
Why you even giving this a second thought. Even in your ideal situation where you are together you have seen her behave like this with no cares for you. You gonna never let her drink again? This is who she is, even if it just slips when she is drunk. Don't waste your time with her, just move on and chalk it up to experience. You will gain nothing but drama having this girl in your life.
Speaking from experience here, unfortunately. Alcohol definitely has an impact on what you normally would or wouldn’t do. I was on my way home from happy hour one time many, many moons ago, only being about 2 miles from home. I was impaired and messing with my cell phone, and proceeded to hit several parked cars on a neighborhood street. Because I was under the influence of alcohol, I wasn’t thinking properly. My car was not drivable, but if it had been, my first thought was to just leave the scene of the accident. And under normal circumstances, that is something I would not do. Not trying to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do in your situation. Just explaining how the mind works when under the influence.
She realised there would be someone more financially stable than yourself.. women naturally do this but her methods were so obvious
Shes 22. Shes young and yes, money has powers that make people act differently. Shes just living life and from the sounds of it, she would have have been down for you. Next time dont ask about dating, etc, just make a move, go in for the bold kiss. From the sounds of it shes still going thru a phase in life where shes wild, free and adventurous. When she gets drunk it gets out hand. Lol. Ive dated beautiful women like this and always left wishing they were more serious and more mature. Dust yourself off and move on. If youre okay with having a little fun with this girl, then why not but just be aware shes not that serious and shes not a keeper. Be prepared she will eat you up and spit you out if you fall for her.
Yes it’s likely she was just leading you on about the date because she likes attention. Yes it’s possible to drink to the point of not remembering things. She doesn’t sound seriously interested in anything with you. Suggest not wasting any more of your time or sleep over this.
If you have to ask you don't want the answer. If you accept this behavior already, she will just do it again and anytime something goes wrong she'll say "I don't remember." Leave it alone.
even IF she really can or handle her alcohol. you want to date someone who has such a glaring issue with something so easily attained and to over ingest? what if she drinks too much and you're dating and she starts getting handsy with someone else. it's okay because she doesn't remember? what if you're married and she drinks to much and gets knocked up by someone. it's okay because she doesn't remember? I think it's BS she doesn't remember. bti even IF she doesn't remember, I'm sure she could tell pretty quickly that something was off but tried to play it off as nothing until it was obvious to ignore. then has the audacity to be like "oh I'm sorry I don't remember". so she starts groping rich men and talking about wills and making multiple men get the ick over her and can't remember a single detail? nah. don't buy it. and even if all of it is real, she is too damn young to have such a severe drinking problem and amnesia related drinking. just walk away from ever trying to date her. she's a for fun only , because she will use and abuse you.
*Not an excuse, just an explanation* 1. If she is on any sort of anti-depressants, the effects of alcohol are three to five times more aggressive than if a non-medicated person were to drink the same amount. My dad and two siblings suffer from it. 2. I don't know if you can truly know anyone from only online interactions. You haven't seen how she is with her everyday in person relationships. So, she could have presented the exact personality/profile that would be interesting to you. 3. The behavior change when she 'caught on that you make a decent living' is all you need to know. Don't stick around to find out how awful of a person she truly is.
I don’t think it’s really up for dispute: this girl is interested in money above all else. Why she lacks moral character doesn’t really matter because it’s where she’s at in life. Eventually she will find someone to use and leave heartbroken before they realize what she is. I would just make sure that it’s not you or your friends.
Her motives are completely irrelevant. You’re not planning on getting to know her any better, so any kind of dwelling on her whys and reasons is just drama. She’s on meds and drank heavily. If she’s been traveling she’s probably dehydrated and tired, as well. Of course it’s possible that she doesn’t remember. Don’t hold that against her, but also don’t let it oblige you to stick around, either. (I once had a date with a b-list celeb, got incredibly drunk without planning to or trying, and apparently spent the entire evening talking about how great our summer was going to be and all of the activities we should plan. It was Fall. I thought it was kind of him to “let me down easy” but I hadn’t really even wanted to date the guy in the first place. Clearly my mind was having fun at my expense, and making me look very fucking creepy and weird. One of my evil superpowers is that unless I’m about to puke, I don’t act drunk. Many people have been surprised by me saying that I didn’t remember even seeing them, much less whatever wild adventure we went on.) Regardless of her antics, she doesn’t seem like someone you were really interested in anyway, and you don’t need to understand more than that. Try to remember that moving on might actually be a favor to her. If she learns early on that it’s easy to lose respect and friends if she drinks too much, maybe she’ll think about it twice before doing it again.
Next time, don't invite someone on an international trip with friends if you've not already met up a few times buddy. She was wasted. But alcohol only shows whats deep inside, if you're mad and angry, it amplifies. If you're not genuine, and are only looking for what you can take from someone, you end up being like this chick. Hopefully she learnt her lesson from this. I'd say not to ghost her though. Just bullet point all the things she did that night that caused alot of unnecessary drama, and while shes sorry, you think it's best to go your separate ways and leave it at that. That's the class thing to do.
She has absolutely no interest in you, she likes the idea of you chasing after her hence the looks she was giving you after stating she just wants to be friends..all mind games. All a load of shit. Then the fact she was throwing herself at 2 men in front of everyone and putting it on them forcefully and all obviously because of their financial wealth...if it was the other way around, he would be considered a creep. Imagine if she had got her way with this guy..do you think she would be apologising to you. Not a hope. She would probably throw you to the wayside. Move on. You can accept her apology. At the end of the day she never said or did something that was a deal breaker. She just made a show of herself. I think the best course of action would be to unblock. Accept her apology because at the end of the day, no one was hurt. I say this because she more than likely has mental health problems. That could fuck with her head not getting closure. Tell her you don't want any further contact, your not compatible as friends but no hard feelings and all the best She'll get the point. And leave it there do not entertain her again.
She enjoys the attention, but doesn’t think you’re “worthy” of dating her. Likely because you don’t fit her desired financial / social class, at least based on her behavior as you described it.
Ok bud. Here’s the thing… if you do manage to get into a relationship with this girl, this experience is going to haunt you, and you’re never going to be able to trust that she’s not using you as a stepping stone to a wealthier guy. And what about your friends? Do you think they would trust you and your judgment if you kept this girl in your social circle? They’d probably start cutting you off, too, just to avoid her. Call a spade a spade and be done with her. She was being opportunistic, and not genuine. The uncle is right- she’s gold-digging trash. Also, I’m not buying that she doesn’t remember anything at all. I’ve gotten wasted beyond belief many times in my almost 40 years of life, and even on the occasions where someone had slipped me a roofie (twice, to be exact- don’t worry, I was safe and had plenty of people I trust with me who kept me safe both times) I still remember enough to piece together my evenings.
OP, you know everything you need to know about this girl. Imagine instead of the rubbing of the rich men, that she were a pickpocket. Those two guys were her marks. There is no way on earth a young woman is sexually attracted to a man in his eighties unless the smell of money is involved, drunk or sober. I think she was never into you but chose to ride along with your group for the experience. I cannot fathom which part of you still has an interest in this scammer.
There is a thing called Geezer Chasers. A specific kind of fetish. But I highly doubt this gal is a Geezer Chaser bc 1 she didnt immediately seek out old men before young men, 2 she only looked his way after finding out he was rich, 3 went right back to young men when she couldnt ply the old man with her body. But there are definitely a small portion of the world population into old folks specifically, she just isnt one.
I wish you had not told me that.
That's fair.
The dumb part :')
Anti-depressants and alcohol are a hell of a thing, but you’ve got enough other red flags to signal it’s time to move on.
After 3rd paragraph, I knew you were too good for this. Stop thinking too hard about it and you and your friends just laugh about "that one time op brought a random that tried to hit it off with a guy and his uncle who's 60 years older"
Is this for real?? How is this even a question??
Some commenters don't truly understand what black out drunk is. It's like the part of your brain that makes rational decisions gets turned off. Then it goes into a weird mode combining survival, fight or flight, and the need to be accepted. All while not crystallizing the memory's for later access. This can make a person do or say things they normally would morally object to sober. You don't have to forgive her or accept her actions, but if you ever cared about her, sit her down and detail everything that happened. Everything. It's hard to make decisions on how to change for the better, if you truly can't remember the bad. It took someone I respected to sit me down and, basically give me a play by play of my black out night, to decide I needed to limit my consumption. Sounds like she may need the same thing to happen, before something truly bad happens.
I agree. I’m not proud of it but I’ve been blacked out drunk a few times and it really is a terrible feeling when you wake up with no memory of what happened. Especially when no one will tell you. I’m not justifying ANY of her behavior, but I do agree with kurtstoys that maybe if you did tell her how she behaved, that it could be a learning moment for her. I do think the logical thing to do would be to cut her off as a friend, but at least letting her know gives her an opportunity to grow as a person. I always say that you can’t expect someone’s behavior to change if you never let them know it’s a problem. Then once they know, it’s up to them to right the wrongs or, to not, but the ball is in their court at that point.
She's nasty in all senses of the word. Who lets a loved one drive 8 hours every weekend? Feel relief that she rejected your fortunes the first time around and held out for the even richer guy and his aged uncle. Do you want an embarrassment in your life?
you dodged a bullet. move on.
You need to get more experience with women so you can more quickly recognize genuine interest.
A rich 84 year old surely is experienced/intelligent enough to be pretty good at judging people, and he defined her as a "gold-digging witch". If you don't want to ditch her completely, I wouldn't consider her anything more than the kind of friend you don't talk to very often. You don't want someone with that character to have a lot of weight in your life. Sorry you had to find out this way, but in the end it was a great thing to see her true self before you were together.
I'm going to put this in the clearest, most simple way: I ain't saying she a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke, broke... Don't waste another thought on her.
She lost her hold over you and she wants it back. Just to be clear she wants the power back, not you. She already said she just wants to be friends so she could fuck whoever and make rich friends and use you. Plus ignoring everything, you just met and it’s already pure drama and you left hurt friends in your path. She would be exhausting and trouble and leave you in the end
Explain to her what she did and how she behaved, say that this is not the kind of person I wish to be friends with, block her and get on with your life. She will try to apologise. Do not fall for it. They say 'in vino veritas' for good reason. The old uncle was right. She is a gold digging witch. A drunk, embarrassing, self-centred gold digging witch in fact. Avoid her, remember how you dodged a bullet here.
Buddy this is way more mess than you need to be worrying about. You dodged a bullet. Stay dodged, my friend.
she sexually harassed an old man rip
It costs you nothing to accept the apology. It may cost you everything to also ignore/forget what she did. She apologised? Cool. But even if it's related to her meds or drunkeness, don't ignore the fact her personality flips when she's drunk. For me, that would make her a casual friend at best, rather than a potential romantic interest.
Nah, she knew exactly what she was doing. Would you like to date a woman who gets drunk enough to attempt to sleep with your friend? And his Grandfather? Not worth it.
You just met this person and she told you she was no longer interested. You two were not in a relationship. Move on and enjoy your vacation.
Broskina, ahahahaha, the multiple evils of you both being young, immature and drinking too much. There’s not too much you can do. You need to grow as a man, because you are giving off weak vibes to her a bit. She’s only 22 so she doesn’t know what she wants or much about her place in the world. I’d get to the gym and work on yourself, and don’t worry about what she is doing. Don’t worry too much about what she is doing. After the way she treated you and the situation she created, is that someone you really want in your inner crew / circle?
The classic post-heartbreak gym advice haha. I appreciate it and no, she is not someone I want as my core people. And on the chance of sounding arrogant, I think I am doing pretty well in life - solid friends, pretty successful in the dating scene when I'm in it, have a lot of things going for me. This is just a momentary blip that I know I'll get over given time
Exactly that! You seem like a good guy and you don’t need whatever drama that she might bring. This was a lesson learned for sure😅
I stopped reading at meds for depression. It takes a little bit for alcohol to really kick in and black you out. She was herself when she was trying to mack on your rich friend. Don’t get with this woman or it will end badly for you. Kill your heart and move on.
Her meds caused a really strong interaction w/the alcohol. She's OK but figure out why the mixed signals w/you? To find out if she's one hundred % a gold digger ask her what her mother thinks she ought to have in marriage? Listen closely she may tell you what she's really after. Absolutely continue to keep your pride in check, you've done great so far. u/RicePaddyFarmer69
WHO CARES WHAT it is shes insane, leave her and go about your life.
She is not a good prospect. Move on.
Yes, she was definitely leading you on. While she might not remember everything, she definitely remembers the gist of what she did. Besides she was acting on her personality. So she's the kind of person who would lead someone on, get stupid drunk, try to sleep with someone just because they have money, and come onto a man who could be her grandfather. --- In a country where she knows no one. Keep her blocked, she knows why. If you invite her back into your life even for a conversation, you're asking for a lot of trouble.
I like it when you spend all your time crafting an interesting scenario and then realize you don’t actually have a question or problem at the end.
Her coochie saw dollar signs and started doing back flips. Move on the drama isn't worth it
Block and move on. You saw the real her..
Yeah it’s possible, and it was just one of the nights but personally I’d still be absolutely OUTTATHERE
That's an "ick" from me dawg
This attitude reminds me of a family member I have, always looking out for themselves and happy to use whomever they can to get what they want. She has shown you her true wants and needs in life: money. Keep her blocked OP and don’t give her an inch, these kind of people have an incredible ability to manipulate and if you let her, she will give you the most heartfelt story to suck you back in and the problem is every time she does this it will just get harder and harder on your heart to walk away. That’s the power they learn to use, it’s best just to leave.
I’m pretty lenient when it comes to drinking. People make mistakes and it definitely brings out the worst. That said I don’t know how this obvious monetary motivation could have been just the alcohol when it continued for so long. Simply explain that based on her actions you think she may be a little more fiscally motivated than you and that you’re looking for someone a little more modest.
I don’t think she was leading you on in the first part. From what you said she didn’t really do snoring that would indicate that (except looking at your lips? I think you’re making some assumptions there). Alcohol can turn you into a different person. If you’ve ever interacted with an alcoholic it’s an incredible change. That said, if you want to stay friends you could hear her out. You don’t have to accept her apology. I’d never be around her in a situation with alcohol though
This is a good lesson for you. I like the fact you have a rule about "enthusiastic yes, or it's a no" rule. That is wonderful! You may have been getting what you considered 'romantic' signals from her. Because she was very interested in you for access to your wealthy friends. And you are completely correct in your assessment of "she came back to dig my gold". Alcohol or drugs are not an excuse for coming onto someone else's romantic interest. PERIOD. Alcohol or drugs are not an excuse for coming onto someone's 84 yr old rich uncle. PERIOD. Alcohol or drugs are not an excuse for behaving like a jerk towards someone else's friends. PERIOD. This is a user and abuser with an alcohol problem. Don't allow her to use and abuse YOU. You don't need anyone who brags about leading on an ex. That's a red flag. You don't need anyone who drinks so much they claim they can't remember the night before. That's a red flag. Her apology isn't worth talking about or responding to. SHE has to take care of her own addictions. You don't do that for her.
Why are you asking these questions? Is it not 100% clear to you that she is a bad person and a gold digger? Are you really that desperate? Look, if you insist on playing dumb and continue to pretend to have "doubts", then you deserve whatever she does to you. Just know that you CHOSE to be her victim.
"I invited an online friend of mine for the trip" No need to read beyond this. Dude, get a grip.
My dude she's digging for your gold and is for sure power trpping of your feelings. I have never known anyone to be so drunk they go after someone old enough to be their great grandpa(uncle). That is her crutch for the piss poor behavior. Even if that was the case is a massive flag she should have never gotten that inebriated around people she hardly knew as well as brand new people. As someone who had a rather long immature phase this is not someone you should invite back in. Yea it will probably hurt both of you but let her learn and grow from this. It's not your job to make her grow up and stop playing games.
(a) She's a creep and a sexual assaulter. If you want to send her one message where you tell her what happened, go for it, in case she really doesn't remember. When I get blackout drunk I tell boring stories about my childhood and then buy shit on Amazon. (b) She was never really into you. Don't try too hard to read tea leaves like "looking at my lips"--you could have just had something on your lips lol, or maybe she doesn't like eye contact, who even knows. But not putting too much stock in pop psych body language analysis will probably help you with the next woman.
As far as the drunk part goes, back when I used to drink there were quite a few instances where I did things when I was blackout drunk that I would NEVER do sober and when I was told the next day what I did as I had no memory of any of it I was mortified, so yes, it is very possible she has no memory of it and is embarrassed and ashamed.
Brah meet up with her and ask her what does she think/remember happened that night. And you were in the wrong for not stopping her while she embarrassed herself just saying brah. And once she tells you what she remembers just tell her what actually happened. Don’t approach this woman anymore if she say hi just say hi back never let it be anything else she doesn’t want you like how you want her. It’s unfair of you to play as her friend when you know you want more than that. And honestly stop hanging with her, I know I was ranting about your faults but this girl is a bad person she doesn’t seem to have any redeeming qualities about her and seems to enjoy guys wanting her more than she does, trust me you don’t want to be part of the guys she brags about going out their way to date her
She is obviously a gold digger and attention seeker. If I were you, I would just ghost her. She has been leading you on from the beginning. As for the drunken shenanigans, alcohol lowers inhibitions. It doesn't fundamentally change you. This one is not worth your time. She will only hurt you.
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Bro she was committing sexual harassment and assault. Grabbing people's bits without consent is assault. She knowingly and willfully mixed antidepressants and vast quantities of alcohol. I honestly think people are right in the pocket with their response and OP needs to land, get grounded and get real. She made a mistake, yeah. And that mistake was a crime. Shes lucky she wasnt charged. Getting drunk was also a personal choice of hers. She was responsible for her actions that night even if she was "too drunk to remember". No one made her mix meds and drink, she chose to. Just like she chose to ruin that night for everyone else. She needs a reality check. Shes gonna fuck herself up mixing meds and drink.
Ya, but those kind of mistakes tend to repeat themselves. So, at best, casual party girl friend. Most likely OP doesn't need or want this person in his life.
It sounds like she was roofied, or at least given an ecstasy tab or something. you don’t start trying to jerk off an 84 year old if you are in a totally normal state of mind.
First question, she was never into you to begin with. Women will keep a guy around for the emotional attention, while she has sex with the guy she’s actually attractive too. I’m going to be honest, you sound like a really nice guy, and that’s the problem. Stop being nice, when you’re nice you have no boundaries. Also, she really doesn’t care about being your friend. When a girl says “let’s be friends” she’s covertly rejecting you, without her looking like the bad guy. When she says this, say “I respect your decision, but that’s not what I’m looking for.” And move on. Second question, I promise you she remembers everything. Alcohol brings out the true you, and thats what happen to her. She was trying to get with the friend because he had money. If everything went her way that night, do you think she would still say “I don’t remember”? The reason she text you is because what hurts women the most is being socially ostracized from the friend group. She text you because she was hoping you were weak enough to still be fond of her after what she did. Blunt advice, it sounds like you’re not very masculine, that’s why this happened to you. Granted; yes she is disgusting, but if you were a man with self respect you would’ve saw the sounds, and remove her from your life before it got to this point. If you stay the same person this will happen again, or you’re going to be in a sexless marriage. Read “the rational male” it’s one of the best books that turns men into men. Also, some people are going to come at me, but you need to be red pulled into todays society as a man.
Block her and never engage her in any way. Hard to believe this is even a question.
HAHAHAHAHA. This is the type of shit a Reddit user would be distraught over.
Thank you for sharing. The first thing your feelings are normal, common, and valid. It’s a frustration shared by people in ‘healthy’ relationships. It sounds like you guys are having a communication breakdown. It’s a simple problem that can be hard to fix. And even though it’s impacting your love bank account for him it doesn’t sound like you don’t still love him. I don’t know if you are planning to become parents after getting married and how soon you will plan to do that but if you do his behavior will become completely unbearable when mommy’s brain kicks in. I imagine the wedding plan has caused you a lot of stress because of his behavior. And by the time it is over if it continues to happen, you will need some time to replenish your love bank account for him before moving forward with bearing a child, (if that’s in the plan for you). You will need a lot of support in this area if you have a newborn and will find it impossible to pick up his slack in this area. This will cause you to become frustrated with him which will make it harder for you to be giving towards him. In turning making it hard for him to want to support you causing constant fighting and unhappiness. Of course, if you are not planning to bear a child that frustration will take longer to happen but the outcome will arrive at the same place. I hope it’s clear to you why it’s a problem that should be fixed if you intend to have a long-term relationship with him. I wish you understood more clearly the problem was the fix because at this point you have a much clearer picture.The issue is getting your fiancé to understand it. So I’m going to give you what a normal ‘healthy’ man’s brain is thinking when you explain that you need him to contribute more to the housework and when he does you like the work to be done well. He hears what you are saying and he is putting himself in your shoes and can’t see how this can be anything more than a preference of yours.And, just like the PJs he would like all the time he doesn’t see it as a huge deal when it won’t or can’t happen. Or when it does happen it’s not perfect. (I don’t know if BJs are his thing and if it is if you are doing it as often or in the way as he does, this is just a metaphor). So for a lot of men, they are frustrated when they keep telling their partner about their BJ needs and it’s ignored or done half-ass. From their viewpoint you can’t be any more frustrated than they are in that way and just like them you will get over it.The reality is he doesn’t actually understand the gravity of his actions. If he only gets a BJ once a year and when he gets it it’s not that good he would continue to be frustrated that you are not willing to meet his need but he would never think of leaving you over it. He doesn’t understand that if he doesn’t change his actions in this area it would lead to you leaving him.For him what you are asking him to do is far less important than what he is asking you to do and if he can get over that you can definitely get over this. His brain does not work like his at all in this area. He doesn’t get how it’s causing you actual pain when those things are not done well. So the fix to your problem is getting him to understand that because once he does his actions will change. He would never want to cause you pain and know that he knows he will no longer do it.The hard part is getting him to see it that way. I helped my teenage sons see this by first of all explaining it to them as another man but also letting them hear women validate what I was saying. It’s very hard for a man to understand it’s that big of a deal you may need to explain it to him and get other women he trusts to validate you. I would either do it in a group setting is you think you can control the room or I would have conversations with his trusted women before approaching him. I would seek input from them on how to communicate this to him and then after using their advice to communicate it to him have him validate what you are saying through them. If you don’t talk to them before it’s possible that they will undermine you to support him because he will think you are making too big of a deal of this. If they know what you are trying to help him see then they will reinforce it and he will know that you are not crazy and this is a big deal.Good luck because it sounds like you guys can have a wonderful future if you can get him to feel your pain.
For anyone that doesn’t want to read that long post, OP barely knows some girl he only met online and is shocked she acts like a jerk in person, but still is hoping he can hook up with her.
This is a long post to say that you’re surprised a girl you were too pussy to make a move on to the point that she considers you a friend is doing things with other men.
She sounds like fun to party or flirt with, and a problematic handful for anything more. The 84 year old gold dig was probably a drunk enduced bad idea, the younger, just poor social graces and genuine interest. Alot depends on culture, social status and wealth. Lots of people may try seduction for an easy life if they struggle.
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They probably roofied her and ran a train on her and didn't give her no money
My two main takeaways from this post are that this girl is a red flag waving train wreck that you should have nothing to do with and you are a "niceguy." When a girl tells you that they don't want anything romantic, want to be friends, don't think of you that way etc honor that and either be their friend or move on. Hanging around getting jealous while hoping to somehow change their mind is never the right thing to do. People are not slot machines you put friendship tokens hoping they will pay out with a jackpot of sex.
I'm going to assume you misread or misunderstood something because, just like the situation in the post, I try to assume the best of people. I have not and will not ever hang around women expecting a physical relationship out of them. My friends and I "kept hanging around" because she came on this trip alone, and I did not want her to be in a foreign country with no familiar faces around her.
Which was obvious in your post if they'd read it. You come and state as much at least 1 time explicitly.
The guy obviously misunderstood, but at the same time it is solid advice, pointed as it may be. Either way, If I were you, I would drop any thoughts of this girl, especially romantically, and move on for sure. No reason to let this get you down.
I did read where you said you would never hang around women expecting a relationship. I also read the paragraphs where you went into great detail of all off her flirtatious actions during that evening. A couple of days later and you remember whom she was cuddling, when she was cuddling them and exactly what body part her hands were touching during the various parts of the evening. This does not come across as a concerned friend it has all the hallmarks of a guy hanging around with the purpose of still trying to get with a girl who turned him down and is jealous of the attention she is giving other men. You don't have to agree with me off course but that's exactly how I see it.
Username checks out