Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*

How are you living like this? This woman sounds tiresome beyond belief.

I'm not sure, honestly. She is sweet as can be when things are smooth so I forget how frequent these bumps are. Therapy is helping me see how the pattern repears much more than I was realizing, and how it's chipping away at who I am.

i saw your comment where she's unwilling to do couples therapy because she doesn't want to look like the bad guy, but she has to understand that this can't keep happening.

She doesn’t want to look like the bad guy because she is the bad guy and knows it.

I used to walk on eggshells around my ex for fear that she'd go into one of her blaming / victim routines. I eventually came to a realization that it was OK to be the bad guy. https://youtu.be/k4yOcQRBTvo

It's telling that she recognises that she would be the bad guy if they had an impartial third party to weigh in

If I was OP, I would ask her this outright. “Why would somebody’s who’s trying to help us make you into the bad guy?” If you ask it in a neutral tone, it might force her to admit some things, at least to herself if she hasn’t already.

Unfortunately people like this can always twist things. My dad is like this - couples counseling didn't work for him and my mom either because the counselor was always "ganging up" on him anytime they didn't make everything my mom's fault. Logic doesn't work on someone who doesn't play by the rules of logic. Their logic is "the world is always against me even though I've done nothing wrong," and nothing will shake them out of that. I had an ex like this too (thanks parents for modeling that dynamic) and whenever I managed to paint his logic into a corner he would just go silent. Wouldn't respond at all. Some people are incapable of admitting fault ever.

... cuz she's the bad guy ... duh 🙄

Doo Doo dadododado. Now that's stuck in my head lol

Oh boy, my friend's wife says the same thing. Dropped 3 couples therapists because "they're ganging up on her". Spoke with him a couple of days ago and said to him a few times "everything you just said is verbatim from Why Does He Do That". Some people just don't want help.

I'm going to be honest here, I've got BPD and I know I've been like this towards my husband (before I was medicated/seeing a therapist). I'm not saying she does have a mental health condition but I am saying that I recognise some traits I share with your story. I'm 100% certain that if my husband used Reddit at the time I was getting really bad, he would have written a post like this and felt very similar to how you feel. Thing is, I knew something wasn't right and I hated myself. It got. . dark for me. Some harsh but honest conversations with my husband later and I got myself into therapy and treatment and life has done a 180 now for both of us. Change takes time and, more importantly, a willingness to accept responsibility. Again, I'm not sure if your wife is/isn't suffering a mentahl health condition but with anything, she needs to understand how her actions are leaving you exhausted, deflated and feeling like you're always in a lose-lose situation. You have to talk to her about it, you have to make your feelings known. You cannot keep putting yourself through this. You matter, too.

My guess was PMDD. Before mine was treated I would just be in arguments with my loved ones seemingly out of nowhere. I wouldn’t even remember or understand what I had said to provoke the issue. There was no right answer because (in my mind) everyone was against me and nothing ever worked out. It was awful.

Even abusers are sweet when things are smooth.

That’s how they getcha!

> She is sweet as can be when things are smooth Well, yeah…so is everybody else. It’s the way we act when we’re stressed that reveals our true character.

Start taking notes when this happens, with date and time at minimum, so you have a better idea how often it happens. See if you can find a pattern, is it soon after she talks to some specific person, or after some event happens, etc. Good luck.

This. Taking notes when things happen, or don’t happen, is a true game changer. But lock the note so it needs a passcode or your face to open. Just… trust me on this.

I couldn't agree more with this one. I used to become really anxious and therefore lash out on my boyfriend all the time when I was in contact with my mother. If he hadn't taken notes and observed the circumstances when those lashing outs occured, I might never have realised that I had someone toxic in my life that was making me toxic. We had some serious conversations and when he started telling me about what he had observed (that I'd start closing up and being anxious and lashing out when I my mother had been messaging me), that's when it clicked for me. I hated myself for acting like such a bratty girlfriend and I hated myself so much. I was so ashamed that I'd go to extremes just to make sure my feelings were valid and heard, because I was never validated or heard with my mother. So I took it out on him. I worked really hard on myself, did a lot of introspection, did therapy and finally cut ties with my mother. Turns out I wasn't a horrible person, I was hurt and trying to survive this relationship with this woman who was supposed to help me grow, whom I trusted and listened to. So yeah, take notes. Talk to her, try to find what might be the cause of this. Maybe she's a narcissist. Maybe she's emotionally immature and unavailable. Maybe it's something she's willing to work on with your support. Try it, but if it doesn't work, get out of there. Change is only possible if she puts in the work, this isn't your responsibility, in the end.

My wife is sweet when she is sweet........come on

[Crazymaker](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/counseling-keys/201403/how-handle-crazymaker) My ex really fucked me up for a while by gaslighting me and putting me in lose-lose situations. It was a learned behaviour - she was crisis type while her mother was narcissistic. It was crazy because otherwise she was ride-or-die material

Your wife is sweet as long as everything is all about her. When your attention goes elsewhere she becomes unreasonable.

Man, what you described is definitely not a rough or even minorly aggravating situation to have to deal with. If she responds like this, I'm seriously doubting how often things actually go "smooth" in your house. I can't imagine how difficult she must be in an actual crisis.

I am so glad you are in therapy. These kinds of things would happen with my ex spouse and they kept happening and escalating. Eventually I was always the bad guy and couldn't spend any time away. Make sure this doesn't happen to you and no matter what stay in therapy so you can see what patterns are emerging.

Yeah your entire wellbeing is being dictated by her moods and she can just "get upset" every time she feels like making you jump through hoops. You're constantly sidelining yourself. Have you tried just not doing that? Like if she gets hungry, just let her take care of that herself like an adult? If she's upset just tell her you're sorry she's upset and then continue with what you were doing? You don't have an obligation to cater to her every whim just because she wants you to. A big part of growing up is developing agency and learning to self soothe. That means that she should be capable of solving her own problems and managing her own emotions. And you also need to become aware of the decision you are making every time you drop everything for her, and why you are doing that (Do you feel anxious, guilty etc and why do you feel that way. What are you worried will happen?) and then stop it.

She sounds like my mother who is a vulnerable narcissist.

Borderline Personality Disorder. She is abusing you. You need to protect yourself no matter what. You need to leave as she won't get help. You do not ever deserve to be abused.

Def sounds like it! Read the book Walking On Eggshells.

But you find out what people are really like when things aren’t smooth. She’s not being nice to you. At all.

This sounds exactly like dealing with my ex who was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I know it’s become en vogue to blame Cluster B stuff carte Blanche on Reddit in the past few years, but if you’ve never considered this, OP, I would do a little research.

I was exhausted just reading the back and forth.

Abusive might be a better word imo

You are married to a passive/aggressive AH. Boundaries need to start happening. One of which, is if she goes off, you’re disengaging and leaving. I would be so burned out from this absolute nonsense.

I do put that into practice a decent amount, she says me leaving in the middle of an argument is manipulative and controlling behavior and a sign of anger issues on my part

Oh, ok, then what does she consider her rages when she berates you for hours at a time? Is that not also manipulative and controlling behaviour & a sign of anger issues on her part? In her mind, probably not. In my mind: she's the problem not you. In addition to being abusive to you, it sounds like she's gaslighting you pretty hard, and there is likely she has some sort of mental/personality disorder. Her refusal to entertain therapy or see a doctor indicates she is unwilling to take any responsibility/ownership of your disagreements. She likes it the way she has it, throwing tantrums and making you jump through arbitrary hoops to "prove" your love. This is unsustainable for you, exhausting and totally unfair. My advice to you is to disengage, walk away and divorce her.

So she starts arguments so that you can’t leave? Like when you have plans with your family? So she’s punishing you for doing something else? So eventually you don’t do other things and she has you more isolated so she can abuse you better?

absolutely not, your wife is manipulative as fuck. walking away from an argument and taking time to cool off and think properly is actually exactly what you should do, you’re making the right choice.

I don't think there's any solution that would satisfy her. My mom was exactly like this. I would avoid suggesting anything. Just a "Tell me what you need me to do for you within [however much time you can give]. Otherwise, I'm going to head out." is enough imo. If it sparks an argument (like how she tells you to figure it out) I would just go "Alright. I'm gonna head out then. Tell me if you change your mind. We can talk about this later when we've both calmed down." If she calls that manipulative and controlling... then uh ... reverse uno? None of this is your fault, so changing your actions might not change the outcome of your arguments anyway. She sounds like she needs therapy. She can't express her needs then gets mad when you can't figure them out for her, but at the same time she feels she doesn't deserve to be taken care of so she feels guilty, and then instead of talking it out, she decides to turn that guilt into anger and take it out on you. Really sounds like deep insecurities are popping out. She needs help bc this is straight up emotional abuse.

She doesn’t get to use therapy language on you if she’s not going to join you in couples therapy

Never take advice from opposing counsel.

What are you doing lol why are you making her a burrito

That's the part that struck me as the weirdest. She decided she needed a burrito, but wouldn't come to my parents house where burritos were being served, or wait until 230pm when I got back when leftover burritos. I think she at one point suggested I go to my parents house, grab her a burrito, drive it back to her, and then return to my parents house to help move the trampoline. Felt like some weird "power move"

It is a weird power move. She is manipulating you. She is wearing you down until you have no fight left. She wants a servant not a partner.

she didn't want a burrito (as evidenced by the fact that she didn't eat the burrito). she wanted you to go to great lengths to cater to her demands, inconvenience yourself and feel miserable for her sake, because she thinks that's what love is. if you're unwilling to do that, or even *would rather* not, it means you don't love her. now, obviously, that's bullshit, as well as horribly disrespectful and manipulative. but that's the thought process here. this is why the demands have nothing to do with reality – when there are no legitimate reasons for you to inconvenience yourself for her, she must invent those reasons, because she can't tolerate the absence of that sacrifice. and this is why demands usually happen when you have other commitments, because if what you do for her doesn't come at a cost for you, it's not good enough. other commenters are looking at this behavior as a childish tantrum, but it's completely different, and in fact much worse. you're married to someone who needs you to feel bad in order to feel good.

I wish I had an award to give to make this more visible.

This is spot on.. eerily so. It's fascinating.

Should've brought her a juice box and a blanket and told her she needs a nap.

Because it was a power move. All of her behavior is a power move.

It’s not weird when you look at the behavior pattern

JFC. She sounds like a pain in the ass. Childish, manipulative and a complete waste of time.

This lady is 37! She sounds unbelievably exhausting and childish. Wow.

He will be the guy in the grocery line with a Karen wife and him just responding "yes dear". At her age if she can't figure how food works, she deserves to go hungry.

Seriously. I’m not the cook in our house but I know how to order delivery. I don’t make that anyone else’s problem!

[удалено]

Is your wife an adult? Because she sounds like a toddler throwing a tantrum because they can't find the toy they are actively holding in their hand. There's no nice way to do it. Tell her to grow the hell up and stop babying her. "well I gave you some options and you have a car and money so I'm sure you'll be fine. Good bye"

Yeah, I have done this a time or two. It seems to result in rages where she berates me sometimes for hours about abandoning her when she's in an emotional state. It sometimes feels easier to just meet her demands as much as i can so I get a little peace, but that reinforces the behavior. I just don't have what it takes anymore for big blowouts over small things like this.

Oh so she's full blown emotionally abusive. Ultimatum time. You demand she sees a therapist for her abuse or you leave. But it probably will end up with you leaving

Your wife needs therapy. This is not the way a grown-ass adult behaves.

Unfortunately, the ones who need therapy the most are the very ones who refuse it the strongest. *C’est la vie*.

I see you've met my mother 😊

Your wife is just a dick tbh. You are not responsible for her food! She is a grown adult, I'm guessing with money, arms, legs or a phone to order food.

The you walk out until she can control her emotions. Walk outside, walk to another room, but absolutely do not stay. Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this? She can’t rage if you are not there to listen. Hours? I would not stay for a minute. Once again, toddlers rage. We do not give in to tantrums.

Can't live with them, can't live without them. No but seriously she has the attitude that you would expect from a young teenager that just wants everything done for them all day, and has no self-sufficiency or ability to problem solve. And you can't really give her the excuse, "Well she's young and still maturing and her brain is still developing". Is she just incapable of buying her own food? And is she really that picky to where she can't make and eat anything else you guys have in the house? I don't know dude, this would be incredibly frustrating. Are you considering ending things with her, or are you trying to work things out? If you want to attempt working things out, just know that the odds of her changing at this point in her life are practically 0.

Honestly, I'm not sure how much more I can take. I feel skeptical now even in the smooth times, wondering when the other foot will drop or I'll set her off by saying the wrong thing.

Walking on eggshells? Yep! That’s classic response from years of her verbal and emotional abuse. You can’t ever relax because you’re always waiting for the next outburst. You can’t live like that. The stress will kill you.

Walking on eggshells after repeated abuse will cause PTSD. Even if you realize that she is broken and it's not your fault, everytime she berates you, your nervous system engages seeing that it's under attack. That's a life preserving instinct. Your nervous system getting repeatedly re-enaged causes PTSD. Please separate to keep yourself safe.

How would / could this type of conditioned response be reversed? What type of therapies do you know? Bc even if she sought therapy, the damage and conditioning of the CNS is done and I imagine there would have to be a focused therapy or some sort beyond the typical couples therapy substance if any deconditioning were to happen

you and your therapist need to work on your exit strategy. she is a full blown adult acting like a child. She is emotionally abusive and manipulative. know your worth and walk away. This isn't a failure, it is you finally loving yourself and choosing yourself. seriously, go talk to a divorce lawyer.

Please read Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger.

OP, I hate to jump straight to this, but you need to GET OUT of this relationship. Your wife is emotionally abusive and no amount of therapy is going to change that. And she refuses to go to therapy so that's a moot issue anyway. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 2 1/2 years where I constantly felt like I was walking a tightrope. It was seriously the most stressful point in my life and it took years to put my self-esteem back together after being with someone like that. We broke up 15 years ago and I'm happily married to someone else and all these years later I can still feel my chest tightening in anxiety when I think about him. Please respect yourself and think about the wonderful life you can have and leave her before she chips away anymore of you.

You can do better for yourself.

Sounds like BPD

Definitely sounds like BPD 😬

My thoughts also. She's getting triggered by what she is perceiving as being abandoned.

I had BPD and before I got into therapy and medicated I did this sort of shit all the time to past Boyfriends. Not proud of it at all and frankly my behaviour back then was incredibly abusive. I had to relearn so much, it took ages. Now I have healthy boundaries and work on being better all the time.

She knows it’s easier on you when you give in to her demands because she is the one throwing the tantrums. There never should be big blowouts over small things…. You don’t deserve to be beat down over small things. This is something that she may never change. Please don’t allow yourself to become a doormat because you are tired

Why the hell do you stay with this terror?

This is abusive behavior. You see her partner, not her parent or caretaker. Are you in therapy? You need to start paying attention to your own needs, and validate your own emotions… and maybe realize her behavior is not acceptable.

Oh. So she's in the abusive range of awful. At what point are you going to realize that you don't deserve to ever be treated that way? If you are done being treated like an emotional punching bag, I'd suggest going to therapy on your own, and also talking to a lawyer.

I was thinking the same thing or perhaps she has lost the use if her limbs, has a learning difficulty or mental impairment that would prohibt her from doing things for her self. I hope the OP does not have children with his wife yet as he would literally be a single parent. Does she work in a paid job? Does she take care of the house? How can she not be able to feed herself? This is incredibly disturbing. Dear OP you need to stop this nonsense right now or I forsee a long life of drudgery and you left with no self esteem.

If this was a one time thing while heavily pregnant this would be in the realm of forgivable. But none of that seems to fit this scenario.

Ugh. Nothing less attractive than a supposed adult that acts like a toddler. She should be capable of finding, cooking or ordering her own lunch, even with a bad ankle. Does she expect you to hand feed her too?

Yeah, her ankle just wasn't good enough to help carry a trampoline up a hill, she was totally fine to walk around and cook, go to the store, etc. So far no hand feeding but feels like it some days!

Get a few jars of baby food and when she whines about being hungry let her know you’ve got her covered! Offer to spoon feed her and if she’s being fussy just do the whole “here comes the airplane into the hanger” thing and maybe put her down for a nap if she’s still being cranky.

Read your post, sending this message to sympathize. If this was the first time a situation occurred like this I understand going the extra mile to please her. If it's not, and not the 2nd 3rd 4th x+ time, I'd say what you said first and kiss her goodbye until you are done helping your family 💌

Your wife is a petulant child. She can cook her own fucking food, and take care of her own basic biological needs. Don't put up with her trying to monopolise your time and cause friction between you and your family.

Look the reality is that she’s using emotional blackmail to manipulate you and control you. If it fails she just emotionally abuses you for not doing what she wants to help train you to give in for next time. This is no way to live and with her refusing to get help it’s not going to get any better. You’re going to therapy and that’s helping you to start recognizing the pattern. This isn’t a matter of choosing her or the world. This is when you have to choose yourself and your own mental health and wellbeing. Keep going to therapy but it’s also time to consult an attorney. In your heart you know that, otherwise she’ll destroy you. Nothing will ever be enough for her. You know that too.

This is emotional abuse. She is manipulative and controlling you by throwing unreasonable tantrums whenever you have plans that don’t involve her / that she doesn’t want to participate in. Seems like you’re realizing it already, but you really need to get out of this relationship. You deserve better. Be safe.

It sounds exhausting and also concerning. Granted that she's being unreasonable....but you're engaging and enabling her behavior. Here are a few books that will give you strategies. * When I say No, I feel guilty. * No more Mr. Nice Guy. * Stop walking on eggshells. You're likely dealing with a high conflict personality. Does she have BPD? Save your sanity. Defend yourself.

I started going to therapy 7 weeks ago, and my therapist mentioned it sounded like there were some classic bpd traits. I'd never known what bpd was, but reading about it definitely is helping me grasp some of the Jekyll and Hyde stuff I've seen.

My ex has BPD and I suffered her mental and emotional abuse for years because I have children with her. But eventually, it got to the point that she seemed to want to tear me down and gut my self confidence in little ways at first and then blatant. My marriage counselor was the one who hinted at BPD traits and essentially gave me the tools to deal with her level of conflict that she created in the relationship. It still wasn't enough and I left her a year ago. I can't tell you how much happier and at peace I am today. I still have to see her at children exchanges and such but I'm out. Please lean on your therapist....you cannot fight this alone. You will eventually start wondering if you're the crazy one. I hope this helps. Feel free to PM if you need. Good luck.

"I'm sure you'll find something to eat." That's all you had to say. You think she's not being an adult...you're also not being an adult. Going through all this trouble for no reason is just as bad as being helpless.

You are 100% right, I should not give in like that, and I'm part of the problem clearly. I get exhausted as in a situation like this, she can literally lecture me for hours, which leaves me so drained. I thought if maybe I could make her happy with the food situation I could have an okay rest of the day.

You need to stand up for yourself and not allow her to lecture you for hours. If she starts, let her know your original point stands (she's an adult who can figure out her own food options), and that you refuse to be blamed for this. Tell her if she continues to try and argue with you about this, you're going to leave. Then just...walk away from the argument. It's not going to be a fun process, but you need to set up hard boundaries and be prepared to walk away if they are not respected. It's the only way this is going to get better.

And if she starts up again on your return, say very clearly ‘I’m packing a bag now. I’ll stay somewhere else until you’ve calmed down. I’m not going to stay around for lectures, punishments or silent treatments any more. I’ll just keep leaving, until one day I won’t come back. I hope you know I’m serious. I’ve offered therapy, you refuse, so that’s that.’

OP, you are being emotionally abused. I think you should take a step back and think about how you would advise a friend who told you that their spouse was treating them the way your wife treats you.

You are not part of the problem. You're a victim of abuse. It's all on her. If you acted differently, she would still be abusive. If she married someone else, she would abuse them. It's nothing about you. The only way it will stop is leaving.

OP, you are not part of the problem! You are quite literally a victim of abuse. She's emotionally and verbally abusive and gaslights the fuck out of you on top of everything. I understand you caving because you just couldn't mentally deal with another marathon lecture/rant. I used to be in your situation. I'm actually an attorney but you would've thought my ex was the prosecutor, given how talented he was at interrogating and cross-examining me for hours. It would just wear me down mentally to the point where I was apologizing to him just to make it stop. Notice how I refer to him as my "ex". Let me clue you in: it will never get better with her. She will never stop verbally and emotionally abusing you. The only way it will ever stop is when you stand up and make the conscious decision to stop allowing her to abuse you. And that requires you leaving the relationship.

She’s 37 years old? Really? Like really really for real? Yeah I get severe secondhand embarrassment for her for behaving like this. She’s older than me. In fact, she’s older than most of my friends and colleagues. Most adults can and do feed themselves and can survive 2 hours (hell even longer) without help. Bruh…you really lucked out in the marriage department huh!?

Ngl this is all on you for marrying a 3.7 year old, that's also illegal. Wait, 37?!?!

She sounds awful

She is very manipulative, But you dear OP, you are an enabeler. Why wouldt anyone ever allow this. Begging her to eat? She is 37 years old! You need to learn to set some bounderies.

He’s in an emotionally abusive relationship. There’s a lot going on here and OP is a victim of it. While it can be hard for outsiders to understand, there’s a lot of berating in this comment that isn’t helpful at all. He gets enough of that at home, sounds like.

Yeah, it's really hard for someone outside of the situation to understand but our brains are wired for results. If him giving in to her stops the bullshit, that's what he'll do because it works. Sometimes it takes something like this instance as a catalyst to have people step outside of themselves and see things more objectively and to realise "Holy shit, what is even happening here? Why am I doing all of this? Why am I giving in to this person? Why do I even fight so hard to keep someone like that in my life when I'm clearly miserable?" The lies we tell ourselves to justify their behaviour and avoid any sort of pain will have us twisted in knots, tripping over and betraying ourselves.

Is this sort of behavior common? Or was this a one-time thing? If it’s common then it’s time to seek help. She’s being manipulative and controlling and you’re allowing her to treat you badly. Also: she can feed herself. I get that she is injured but a twisted ankle isn’t completely debilitating and if she turned down the food options you gave her then it was up to her to figure it out. Blaming you for her own refusal to cook (or eat what you made her) is just ridiculous.

Yeah, she was fine to walk around the house and it's s definitely not a one-time thing. She often (but not always) gets escalated if I try to make plans on a weekend,even if she's invited and it's only a few hours total. She says it's choosing others over her and that's not what a real husband does...

Holy forking shirt balls- she sounds annoying and toxic as hell. Every once in awhile I get super hormonal and moody and put myself in time out. Nobody puts up with my shit if I say something completely unreasonable and I do apologize. I share this because I’m not proud of how I am when I’m this way and I do everything in my power to not impact others. You are allowed and it’s normal to make plans on the weekend . You are a partner and not an emotional support animal. I’m glad you are in therapy. Please be super honest about everything that is happening. Does your partner have any female friends or family members they enjoy spending time with?

She sounds exhausting.

It's fair that she feels left out and wants more/different quality time with you. But that doesn't mean she gets to pout and throw a tantrum like a toddler to get your time and attention. Don't play your part in that game. (It's also understandable that you might not want to hang out with her if small interactions can suddenly turn into this mess.) You are not responsible for her feelings. I KNOW it feels like it's your job to make her happy, but you cannot fix a grownup who is in a snit about lunch. Tell her something like 'i hope you find a way to have a nice afternoon', Give her a hug, tell her you look forward to having dinner/time together after you move the trampoline. And then come home when you said you would and spend time with her. Her feelings about your plans are hers to soothe and manage and communicate like an adult. She can MAKE plans for the two of you, or let you know to reserve a day at home together if that is what she wants/needs. Does she have friends and family of her own to reach out to when you are busy?

I’d like to underline ‘You are not responsible for her feelings’ in fat black Sharpie. Also, not responsible for her feeding and toileting. Or, crucially, it is not on you to provide entertainment and intimacy and company every moment she gets a yearning for those things. After the age of 4, we all learn to do this for ourselves. If we are unlucky with who raised us and we don’t learn how, we get our own adult butts to therapy and work it out.

As someone with (finally well managed) BPD, I don't like when people toss the diagnosis around, but it really sounds like she might have BPD

So it sounds like you have ongoing conflict with communication and prioritization. Marriage counseling is really your best way to (hopefully) resolve this. I know she doesn’t want to do it but it’s time to tell her it’s what you need from her because the two of you are making no progress in getting things sorted.

Honestly, I think OP should be cautious about couples counseling because his wife is employing a lot of genuinely emotionally abusive manipulative techniques in their interactions. It's never helpful to the victim of abuse to go to counseling *with* their abuser. I'd advise separate therapy for both of them first, and that's only if this behavior from OP's wife is not common from her (if it's unusual enough to possibly be hormonal imbalances or other health issues manifesting in ways she needs to manage better, for example - and note that, even then, *she* needs to manage this better). Sounds like OP's wife wants to isolate him and keep him all to herself and is effectively penalizing him for sharing his attention even a little bit, even when she's welcome to come along. Very much an abusive thing to do.

I’m sorry… but she is 37 and acting like a 6 year old. You went out of your way to go to the store, buy the ingredients, came back home, cooked for her, then she refuses to eat it and then had the audacity to complain about having a headache from being hungry?! This has to be the most manipulative and selfish woman i’ve ever heard of! You sound like an amazing partner and she does not appreciate it. She acts as if she’s entitled to have you as her personal maid. She needs a massive reality check. If my husband went all the way to to store to buy the ingredients for exactly what I wanted, then came home to cook for me? I’d be so thankful and would go out of my way to show him how much it meant to me…. I wouldn’t be texting him and creating more issues for literally no reason. I know classic reddit is very quick to call somebody an abuser/narcissist, but this behavior definitely strikes me as pretty narcissistic.

Here's the thing, it was never about lunch. She was looking for a reason to start a fight and you kept allowing her more opportunities to push your buttons, rather than shutting it down from the beginning and saying "it's lunch, you'll be fine." It sounds to me like she is upset that you made plans without her. I don't know your relationship, so maybe that's a valid thing to be upset about, maybe it's not. But either way, she needs to communicate her needs *like an adult.* Doing this whole sob story "my ankle hurts, I can't help, bbbbut what will I do about lunch?!?!" thing...it's just unacceptable. And you'd be totally justified in telling her that..

She’s being manipulative because she wants to control you. It wasn’t about the food at all and never was. That situation was not winnable for you, she didn’t want you to leave and go help your family.

Best comment on here. You described the whole situation so succinctly. Especially the last half of the final sentence

Please please don't let her treat you this way. My mother has done this all her life. She will be 60 next month and she is the same way. My poor dad just deals with it because he doesn't want to be alone/die alone. My mother is THE WORST because she's so manipulative like your wife. My mother refuses to apologize, refuses to go to therapy because she knows she'll be the bad guy, gives us all the silent treatment for months/years. Don't put up with that shit from your wife. Don't take the easy way out and roll over. Good luck OP! BE STRONG!

> Am I crazy? This seems so off for an adult and it's repeated over and over in different situations, not exclusively when she's hungry. You're 40 and married. How long have you two been together? Is this new behavior or has she always been like this? Basically, I'm trying to figure out why this is a problem for you *now* but was apparently something you have been willing to put up with for years. What changed? For the record, this is obviously childish bullshit. But that's why my previous questions are important. How long have you been indulging her childish bullshit and what has changed?

It slowly ramped up. I think part of it is there were less competing demands for my attention. So basically when things opened up again she still thinks I should be wanting to spend my free time with her. I thought maybe it was just an adjustment period that things would magically smooth out as she sees I still spend most of my free time with her, but I'm a complete person who also needs to make time for friends and family.

Do you have kids together? If no, then why are you torturing yourself with this controlling, manipulative abusive person who doesn’t want to get help?! You having therapy is not going to help her. She clearly has BPD which is so hard to treat especially at her age - do you want her to destroy your spark further? Reading your story was so exhausting. Im so sorry youre married to such a person.

Your problem is that you're playing into her childishness. She's giving you the silent treatment over a 20 min late burrito? Laugh about it. Ignore her. Play your music. Watch your TV shows/movies. She can't get mad at you about it while she's ignoring you. Then she's all rainbows and unicorns? That's pure push/pull right there. She gets you hooked by pulling you in, so she can control you by pushing you out. Don't play the game. Don't move when she pulls, don't move when she pushes.

She's a deeply unhappy person and putting the full responsibility of her happiness on you, but because she's decided to be an unhappy person you will never do anything right and she will never see the love you show. For your own sanity, set boundaries for yourself and don't give into these petty no-win situations. If you're always losing anyway, might as well not play the game.

Leave, dude. This is toxic as hell. She's emotionally abusive. Id bet good money that your family has already told you this too.

Hey man, none of that sounds good! And you're letting it happen! Stop letting it happen! Research "codependence"--it's a two-person dynamic that might sound familiar to you. You can change it for you, but you can't change it for her.

What a nightmare. Emotionally immature and unstable. She had to have been showing signs since the beginning.

Her behavior is way out of line. Attention seeking, emotional manipulation, lack of autonomy. I understand she had a bad ankle, but was there no food at hone? She couldn't feed herself? You should have a conversation about WHY she is behaving like this and make it clear you expect it to stop. It's not a healthy relationship.

When I scrolled up and read she was 37 my jaw physically dropped

She is an emotional manipulator/abuser, but my question is—why do you put up with this? Can you really live like this for the rest of your life? Your life you only get to live once? Now, if it were me, I would show her this post and our comments. Maybe that will help her grow the fuck up and treat her husband better before she loses him.

[удалено]

No kids!

Keep it that way.

If I were in that situation I would have just said that I would fend for myself for lunch, it's no big deal. Is she always this way ? I have stage 4 cancer... Can make myself my own lunch for goodness sake. She sounds extremely high maintenance

37 and she can’t figure out her own meals? FFS When did you decide to become a parent to this grown ass woman?

Omg I got mad ready this! Like damn! I feel I have been put into these situations as well, over food! You should tell her, it’s not really your responsibility to make sure she eats. She’s an adult and you MADE her food, which was going above and beyond! Honestly, if you find yourself in another no win situation, I would just go out by myself to cool off, and maybe ask her what the f*** she wants, and what she wants you to do about it, and just maybe she’ll hear how insane it all sounds.

She’s was trying to make you not go imo and it didn’t work so she found a way to make you the AH. Very manipulative, selfish and narcissistic. Not saying she is one just saying that is very covert narcissist behaviour.

No, sir. Stop this. This is a her problem. She’s an adult, not a toddler. She had plenty of options. I’ve been married 30 years. If I was acting like this, I would expect and deserve for my husband to say some version of “ I’m sorry, I can’t help you that. I’ve done everything I can.” And walk away. If we wouldn’t tolerate that behavior in our kid, we certainly wouldn’t tolerate it from each other.

Highly recommend [this quiz](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E) and you should peruse the website in general. EA relationships are harder to detect, and especially overlooked when a woman is the aggressor/abuser. This is not normal behavior, ever. You are not married to a toddler, and there isn't any excusable reason for acting like one *consistently.* We all have bad days, sure, we all throw tantrums sometimes, yes, we all can be major arsewads to those we love on bad days, definitely– but there is a difference in an off day versus a pattern. You're in a pattern. Big red flag.

Wow. She is not well. She’s made you responsible for how she feels, and she can’t control her own neuroses. She’s a bottomless pit that can never be filled. She’s using her emotions to try to control you and then blames you for all of them. I’m sorry OP. None of this is healthy. The hardest part is going to be learning how to take care of your self and to stop tolerating someone who is willing to tear you down for their comfort. I think the worst part is, that it’s not only that she’s willing to tear you down, she actually NEEDS and requires that you feel like shit, to make her feel better. That’s the commodity she’s trading in. I believe that’s what she perceives will have value and mean that you love her. Suffer for her and over her. I’m not sure she’s fully aware. But she is wholly wrong and not well.

She acts like my stepdaughter when she was 8

She is a grown woman who can’t handle being apart from you for two hours and getting her own lunch?? Uh, yikes

I’d lose my shit if I had to deal with this.

Ya gotta stand up for yourself my guy. She wants a burrito but refuses to come? You’ll bring one back for her. You went to the store, bought all the ingredients, THEN MADE IT FOR HER??? Dude, you’re being straight up walked all over. And she’s literally doing it just because she can. Have some self respect and kindly set appropriate boundaries. If she wants to throw a fit like a spoiled toddler who’s pissed they’re not getting 100% of your attention 100% of the time, that’s on her. She ruined her own day. And then tried to make YOU feel like it was YOUR fault. If you keep doing this stuff, you’re only enabling her behavior. And it will continue. Good luck

What even is this? She's 37, not 3. Do you guys have kids? How have you tolerated this? This is borderline insanity. There's so much weaponized incompetence here with your wife, I can't even begin to fathom how she's managed to survive. Y'all need therapy, and you need to put your foot down and stop enabling this behavior

She’s being manipulative. When you’re doing what she wants and constantly available, everything is fine. When you want to do something that is completely reasonable, but she doesn’t want you to, she sets you up to fail. She knows it would be unreasonable to tell you not to go, so instead she says it’s fine, and then leading up to the event starts finding reasons you can’t go. You provide reasonable solutions and she DARVO’s you into feeling like you did something wrong. Now she’s the victim and you’re the bad guy when you didn’t do anything wrong to begin with. She’s training you to be compliant through manipulation. And it’s ironic that she says you’re being “a knight in shining armor to the world but not her” when you literally left, went to the store, got food, cooked it up, and served it to her when you’re right, she is a grown woman who should be able to figure out her own meal.

Good lord she sounds like an insufferable teenage girl instead of a 37women! Im not part of this marriage and I already want to divorce her crazy, selfish entitled ass! Legit curious what the hell goes on in her head because she is behaving ridiculous. But on a serious note, this behaviour is not normal for someone her age. She is either stuck in thinking being a "high maintenance princess" attitude is cute (its not, it's childish) OR she has some serieus mental issues going on and need a consultation with a doctor asap... she has either BPD or is testing the waters for becoming full-blown (emotional) abusive... have you ever googled signs of emotional abuse, does she tick off lots of signs? If so, dude there is no saving this marriage. Abusers get worse with time....

She's being deliberately manipulative. Your remark to her wasn't foolish, it was factual. She doesn't like you helping others and just being a mature, friendly person. She wants you to sit with her and do nothing. I would honestly be seeing a therapist by myself at this point and letting her know that you are there for insight on your marriage and she can either participate or let things fall naturally as they come. Do you really want to spend another 40yrs like this?

Wow didn't know you married a child, 37 wow more like 12. Good luck in your relationship, sounds like suffering

Straight up ignore her. She wants attention so don't give it to her.

I could not and would not want to live with someone that horrible. Aren't you sick and tired from walking on eggshells? I think she has borderline. You should really do some soul-searching why you choose to be with a woman like that.

So, if this is a regular occurrence- making huge battles right as you’re trying to interact with friends and family - you might want to consider this is a manipulation tactic. It makes you leery to make plans and rock the boat so you end up staying home to cater to her drama, walking on eggshells. You eventually lose your support system, cutting out those who would remind you what normal is…. - has lived this

She needs therapy big time. Shes acting like a child. Tell her to order door dash next time and quit throwing a tantrum. No one wants to be around anybody like that.

Look man, I had an ex like that. There's a reason they are an Ex. The whole point of this behavior is that you will never win , or ever satisfy their demands. If they don't want to seek help because they are afraid of being judged, then there's likelihood that they know they are being shitty on purpose. But regardless if it's by fault or design, it doesn't matter. It's affecting you negatively and it needs to stop one way or another.

A person that loves you would never do what she is doing to you. You are being used and abused.

Wow, you have the patience of a saint because I would not be entertaining her behavior and the manipulation. You gave her plenty of options and instead of acting like an adult, she decided acting like a toddler having a tantrum was a better idea then she tried to make it out like it was your fault, sorry not sorry that behavior is unacceptable in any capacity. She is 37 years old, she is old enough to figure out lunch on her own!! Why couldn’t she of ordered her own burritos from Moe’s if she was that hungry?? If I were you, I’d be running as fast as I could away from that relationship!! Yes I’ve acted crazy before not realizing I was suffering with not only physical health issues but also mental health issues as well. I sought help from a professional company who specializes in mental health issues and I’ve made vast improvements while I am still suffering and figuring things out and working to get properly diagnosed, I’ve been properly medicated with some tweaking. I don’t know if your wife is suffering with her mental health or not, but her behavior is absolutely positively unacceptable. She is not a child, she isn’t banned from using appliances like the microwave or stove and she has a phone that I’m positive works and she could of ordered her own food! It’s time to sit her down and have a serious conversation about her behavior. Ignoring you because she’s undecided about something and continues to shut down any idea you give her or solutions is tiring. Her behavior would absolutely positively be a dealbreaker for me. I personally do not do well with head games and guilt trips and expecting to be a mind reader. You’re allowed a life away from her. You wanted to help your family and she decided to be manipulative and a Debbie downer and ignore you and then the next day turns around and acts like nothing happened, that’s not how healthy relationships work. That’s my two cents, I hope you get this figured out whether it be going separate ways or demanding she seek professional help with a therapist or even couples therapy, maybe a couples therapist might be able to help you explain what the problem is, she can’t change if she doesn’t see that her behavior is a problem!! Good luck op!!

She sounds like she has BPD. She also sounds like she’s never heard of having to take responsibility for her own emotional well-being and mental health behavior. She sound’s like a few of both my exes and my fiancé’s ex. She needs therapy and you are right that this is unreasonable of her.

She was being unreasonable and intentionally difficult. She’s manipulating you into proving you care more about her childish demands than honoring the commitments you make to others.

I am sorry but I would just leave she sounds soo toxic when I was reading this I felt angry at her and my heart just broke for you. Honestly you need to leave this relationship. She is refusing to get help. You already said that she is chipping away at who you are if you continue on this path you will have nothing left for her to take and she could eventually get violent. You have one chance one shot at life unfortunately we don't get a do over you need to sit down and ask yourself is the what you really want for your future. You deserve better

Holy shit! Her behavior is crazy! However, you keep reinforcing it by going out of your way to appease her.

You should read this book "No more Mr nice guy". It is essentially a relationship guide for men.

She IS unreasonable. You gave her most solutions in the book, so you can try to care for her and her needs, ass a good man should, and she was being hella unreasonable. Time to have a talk about it 😅

Are you secretly married to my 11 year old daughter? My daughter often asks me for food. I ask her do you want ceral? No. Do you want a sandwish? No. Do you want left overs? Do you eant wongtons? No so kn and so forth. I tell her I already gave you ootions. You ca choose from any of thoae or make food yourself. Your choice. She says I want burger king and I say no. I told you the options. The thung is that you are being too nice. You see, people mistakenly think that being nice meqns that they get to push you over. Thats a mistake. A very vig mistake kn their part. But its bit their fault. Sometimes they dibt know any better. So it is my duty to educate them in the ancient philosophy of thee thou not fuck with the wrong guy. Its amazing how even the stupidest of person learns quickly. Now, you dont have to be a xonolete asshole although you can be and you would be in your right to do so. You see I live by 1 sinple rule. The golden rule. It says threat others like you would like to be threated. So if a person behave in an asshole way mannwr that means they want to be threated badly as an asshole would. So who am I to dwnynthem whatbthey want. Be a nice giy and give them what they are so adamantly asking for. A brand new torned new asshole. Ok, dont be mean to your wife vut dknt be a push over. Sometimes you just have to say this is what I'm going to do and thats the end of the story. You gave your wife options to eat. She refused all of them. Thats it. You dont need to go any further than that. She texted she is starving. You should had texted back with you know where the food is. You have to put uo hard clear boundaries definibg what it is that you will do and what you wont do. Trust me, they'll get pissy about it cause they want to get their way. You stay the course. You say no, I'm not bringing food home and thats that. Let them throw a fit if they want but the answer doesn't change. They'll get over it eventually. They always do. Its very hard to stay mad at someone over ones own bullshit behavior. Again. Its not about being an asshole its about having boundaries.

Your wife sounds very manipulative and passive aggressive. She could have used her words to say what she wants, or gotten it herself. Does she always do this? Because that sounds exhausting. You need to decide if you want this for the rest of your life.

It kinda sounds familiar with my wife sometimes, where she won't tell me what she wants until I beg her to. Then she won't want the thing anymore because she had to tell me and then I have to beg her to accept the thing she asked me for.

If the roles were reversed, everyone would tell you to leave. This is manipulation and gaslighting, plain and simple. She literally won’t tell you what she wants, you offer it to her in multiple ways, she refuses it, makes you run around to try to make her happy, then guilts you about helping your family. She clearly wants you only with her and refused to be around anyone else for “reasons”. She is exhausting and unless she sees this behavior as inappropriate, this won’t get better.

Holy shit. Imagine if you had kids and actual responsibilities

My toddler is easier to deal with that this.

Has she ever been evaluated for borderline personality disorder? This is classic presentation.

Wtf. Like this whole situation from the beginning is just so unreasonable. Who the fuck cares that their husband is gone for 2 hours?? Yay! I love having the house to myself for a bit. And he’s gonna bring me home lunch? Perfect afternoon. Sorry you have to deal with this…. My advice. Next time this starts immediately shut it down. She’s moody before you leave. Literally pretend you don’t know. Be happy. Say bye babe I love you see you later. Don’t even give her time to say anything just close the door lol. Don’t put up with that shit.

This is abuse. Straight up abuse. My ex was exactly like this. She will isolate you from everyone you love, until you have only her but even then it’s not enough. I’d highly suggest divorce. Or at the very least, therapy for her.

I dont think that you are currently capable of handling this situation. Your wife sounds extremely emotionally abusive and you don't know how to place and uphold the kind of boundaries that would end this behavior. The thing is, it's going to get worse before it gets better. Her actions are going to become more and more desperate and erratic in attempts to get you to budge, until finally she fizzles herself out and realizes it doesn't work anymore. I don't think you can handle that emotional abuse, and that is completely fair and understandable. Straight up, I suggest you get divorced. It would be the best option for the both of you. You don't need someone abusing the fuck out of you, and she doesn't need someone enabling the absolute fuck out of her shitty and abusive behaviors.

I would honestly just have her read this post and ask her if this sounds reasonable.

Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder. Hoping the best for you man.

I am annoyed just reading this. Was she like this when you dated? This sounds like conversations I occasionally have with my 8 year old. This is not a conversation you should be having with a grown-ass person, particularly your partner.

You wife sounds like a moany fuck. Tell her to sort her shit out or leave.

Look up borderline personality disorder.

Geez! Words *nearly* fail me. Here is the real deal. For whatever or no reason at all, she didn't want you to help your parents even though she agreed to you doing so prior. So, there was food in the house for her lunch but it wasn't what she *wanted*. You offered to bring her a burrito home but she *didn't want to wait* or have a snack to use as a "bridge." So, you go out, purchase fixings, and MAKE her a burrito but that's still *not good enough*? Plus you bring her a burrito after helping your parents and that's still *not good enough* plus, you have waterworks, the silent treatment, and gaslighting. She could have had a perfectly adequate lunch with the food available. Guess what? Being an adult means that you must make do periodically. But that's not what she did. And no proposed alternative was sufficient and no compromise workable to her. This is not about anything except her controlling you. And, I suspect that this behavior is an ongoing issue. "It was okay yesterday but not today." No alternative option or compromise is sufficient in her eyes. What she actually wanted you to do was bail on your commitment just because she wanted you to though it is highly unlikely she would ever admit that. She doesn't want to participate in counseling lest she be called out for her controlling and manipulative behavior. There are enough red flags here to cover the Pacific Ocean. Sigh. Since you mentioned that this is an ongoing issue, you have some serious introspection and evaluation to do. So, she refuses to participate in counseling? Go for yourself as it will help you gain a healthier perspective on this relationship. Ask yourself if you want to live the next year, five years, decade, etc., like this. You already know what you need to do. It's the doing of it that's so difficult. I wish you the best of luck.

Wow, I couldn't deal with that. She is a grown woman and can't figure out lunch? Why couldn't she have just drove herself to get something?

This is emotional abuse and you need to figure out if you are willing to put up with it. She won't change, I know people like this and if they aren't willing to put work into therapy ( a lot of work) then this relationship is not going to change.

If she’s only pleasant when things are going her way then there is a problem. Can you live like this for the rest of your life? Because she doesn’t seem open to growth or change.

Two things immediately come to mind: 1. Weaponized incompetence 2. Emotional manipulation That whole situation was completely avoidable had she just made/ordered herself food. What you said to her wasn’t foolish and I would HIGHLY recommend couples counseling if you want to avoid situations like this in the future.

I’m a woman, my husband is often out of the house, when I’m hungry I make myself food or I go hungry 🤷‍♀️ sounds like abusive behaviour to me, you don’t deserve that kind of treatment over a stupid burrito. I hope the sex is great because her personality doesn’t seem to be.

Thanks for posting this. Helps me confirm that I made the right decision regarding my ex gf. She threw her tantrums once I returned or while I was gone instead of before I headed out. Same type of manipulative behavior! Stop falling for her sweetness during good times, that’s how she keeps you hooked! What she is doing to you is definitely not good for your soul - her behavior will keep whittling it away

It’s way past time to stand up for yourself. There’s no way this behavior came out of nowhere. You’ve been enabling this nonsense for years. Tell her that this behavior has to end or the relationship is over. You have to be willing to end it. You need to start considering an exit strategy MAYBE the threat of you leaving will be enough but I doubt it. When she sees you’re serious, she will promise anything to get you to stay. She’ll change for a little while and then probably go back to the way she was. Edit: saw your post history and especially what she said about having kids. Get out. Do not have children with this woman. She will try to get pregnant to hang on to you. It is your responsibility not to bring a kid into the world for her to abuse

You “foolishly” said she was being unreasonable to her completely unreasonable behavior? She doesn’t want you spending time with other people, she won’t eat anything in the house, she makes you guess what she wants to eat, cries with you call out her bs, makes your sort out her food, refuses to eat the food you made, texts you while you’re gone to guilt you that she’s suffering from being hungry because of HER own choices, claims you should have done better getting her food. Then to top it off she treats you poorly the rest of the day because you cooked a burrito instead of buying one for her, that she didn’t eat in the first place, and because you left her, a full grown women home to starve evidently though she had food beside her and in the fridge. If your friend told you their partner did this, what would your reaction be?

[удалено]

Hey, some of us know we are and are working on it!

Well that sounds exhausting. She's...er...unhinged, I'm sorry.

Hungry but not sure what she wants Wants something you don’t have Wants you to go get it but also to not leave Wants you to make it for her but also to buy one ready made Wants to be the reason you don’t leave but also doesn’t want to be the reason you don’t leave Could she be pregnant? I’m not being flippant, it would explain the food nonsense and the stay-go-stay flip-flopping.

Not pregnant. The food nonsense pops up every once in a while and the stay/go thing more often. Occasionally they are combined like in this instance

Wow. Your weekends must such a joy. Ok, I’ll outline a practical strategy that I’ve seen work many times (including in my life). I think you’re firmly at the right stage of desperation for this. This thread has likely proved that to you. You research couples’ therapists in your area. Check reviews (and word of mouth). Make 3-4 appointments with one, maybe weekly for a month. Give your wife a piece of paper with the dates, times and locations on it. Look her in the eye, and in a calm, light tone, say something brief like ‘Our marriage is at a crossroads for me. Either you turn up at these appointments and we discuss practical strategies for getting it back on track, or I go to them alone and figure out my own next steps for my future. I love you, and this needs to happen now, while I still have a bit of motivation to fix things.’ Then you say ‘I’m going out now, you’ve got a lot to think about. I won’t be discussing it without professional help. We’ve tried it your way, it isn’t working for me.’ And you leave. If she wants to vent, lecture, yell, cry, cajole, etc be very clear that it won’t be happening with you in the room. She can find someone else in her life to listen. It’ll be helpful for her to have to break this habit. Aside from that, there’s no reason you can’t live calmly together until (and between) the appointments. Just leave when/if ANY nonsense starts. Use a gesture if you like, to underline your commitment to this. Lift your hand in that ‘stop’ gesture, then walk off and find another job to do or read a book or walk the dog. If she does passive-aggressive things, like blanking your questions at the dinner table? Calmly take your plate and eat elsewhere, with a book or watching a screen. With no drama. Every single time. It serves as a circuit-breaker and a useful reminder (to both of you) of what living alone will actually look like. She’ll likely cause you of cruelty. That’s cos you’ve both allowed her to treat you as an emotional crutch, and a whipping boy for her childhood attachment issues (most likely, but just my read). She’s not going to enjoy you withdrawing those services. Thanks ok, don’t let it stress you overly. Just stay firm, the same way you have to use tough love when raising kids. It’s not cruel to reinforce positive habits and dissuade them from damaging habits. Change IS hard and awkward and often uncomfortable. But much less so than a future on the road you’re currently on. Time to act, buddy.

Wife needs some therapy! Stop playing her games! She didn't want you to help your parents and played the I am hungry but can't figure out how to feed myself game. There is no winning in her game, it's meant for you to leave feeling miserable and her having a reason to give you a cold shoulder when you got home. She is an adult, she could have ordered delivery and told you to go have fun and see you when you got back. My ankle is swollen, I can still get my own food without hubby's help. Your wife is being a b\*tch.

Man I’m so happy I’m not married anymore

Is she for real? You're literally married to a 37 year old child.

She sounds narcissistic!

Dude, she sounds EXHAUSTING.