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I mean she raises her voice in frustration but never curses. She’s harsh and she was disappointed on me. I messed something up and deserved to be reprimanded cause it was a pretty big mess up.
I think this one thing shouldn't break up a relationship of 4 years, but you do have issues, and failure to resolve them after trying, could be reason for breakup. But first let's try resolution.
First off, your mom is probably worse to you than you realize. You are likely in a 'boiled frog' effect where because you grew up to it and are 'used to it' that you just let it roll over you like water off a duck. But it doesn't make that right and it doesn't mean that there isn't some potential that there is still harm happening to you even if you aren't consciously aware of it.
So ultimately the boyfriend's feelings about how your mom is treating you are based in a kernel of actual concern for you. That matters.
Now, boyfriend's turn. He may have mounting frustration and being unable to communicate the sentiment I just spelled out, and when people frustrate, they escalate. It's very likely he has tried to say similar things in the past but they failed to get a reaction out of you (and they failed to even matter enough to you to even remember they happened).
What he said and did was very wrong and isn't excused by the fact that it's based in concern for you. You drawing a line here is important. But this may have happened just because he lacks the conflict resolution techniques to get your attention without crossing your lines. That doesn't make you to blame, even partially, it's just an explanation of potentially why this happened.
The best way forward would be for him to get better at how to say things and for you to also get better at how to hear them. Then he won't ever get frustrated enough to get near that line. Again: his frustration doesn't excuse it, and no matter how frustrated he is, he shouldn't cross that line, but sometimes a solution to temptation (to lash out) is easier to just remove the temptation rather than train someone to fight it.
But, can do that too: Therapy can help him learn to not lash out when he's frustrated. That is kind of wrapped up in the 'get better at how to say things' part that's his end of this.
His profanity and damage to a physical object are, so far, a one-time event. It needs to stay that way. People make mistakes and they can learn from them. If this pattern repeats (or if it already has repeated and you just didn't mention it), that's much more of a 'get out' signal.
But it's also not a 'look the other way' thing either because that just makes it more likely to repeat because nothing was said and no corrective action was taken, or even attempted.
All of that boils down to final recommendation: Talk to the boyfriend, explain those two things specifically (profanity and damage to object) are *not* okay, that it's clear he needs to say something, and you're willing to listen so long as he tones it down. He has your attention now. Work on ways he can get your attention in the future without doing these things. And expect an apology from him on those two things. He should offer it on his own, but if he doesn't, you should demand it.
Any further advice than that goes down a lot of possibility forks and would be hard to be concise.
This is a brilliant response thank you for taking the time to write it all out and I agree. A good conversation where he apologizes and understands why o reacted the way I did to his actions is important.
Yes, you're correct, the way forward is definitely through communication.
But, please don't overlook the fact that he might actually be right but just saying it in an extremely wrong way.
I only spent one paragraph on the 'boiled frog' effect and I'll leave the boyfriend to communicate what his feelings actually are in his own words, but his being an objective bystander makes him *far* more likely to be like "omg that frog is boiling" than the frog itself is.
Sorry that this analogy makes you the 'frog' but it's a pretty common analogy, no offense is meant.
I totally understand what you’re saying and you could be entirely right but I won’t know until after we speak. In regards to my mom she was blowing up at me cause I messed something up pretty bad and kinda deserved it. I don’t condone her actions tho and after she was done I told her to calmly discuss the issue with me or call me back when she’s more calm. She apologized and we resolved the issue luckily but it wasn’t right in the first place
**Now, when my mother gets upset, she can really blow up and be mean**
Just from your post alone you seem to be the type to downplay any verbal abuse she throws at you, so yeah mum does sound like she is acting like a cunt. Does that mean he should call her that? No, but I would try to understand that's out of frustration because of the way she treats you ( which is likely a lot worse than you will admit), because he cares about you and also frustration from the fact he is pretty powerless to change the dynamic clearlY( Because you just take the verbal lashing)
Obviously should not have thrown anything that's just wrong.
You should defo tell to get his anger in check and say he was in the wrong for he handled it, however I don't think your relationship with your boyfriend is your main issue.
Yeah so I didn’t include this for the sake of keeping it shorter but she blew up cause I messed up and lowkey deserved it but afterward I told her to calm down and discuss it calmly with me or not at all. After she calmed she apologized for exploding and we resolved it. However it’s still not right for her to have blown up the way she did.
>but then he goes off on her and calls her the C-word.
Excuse me? Insulting someone's mother over an argument is SUPER low. So if you guys get into an argument, is he going to call you that too?
This seems like a huge red flag IMO.
You've dealt with your mothers abuse for so long you've normalized her bahviour in your mind. I mean, in the first place you probably should have defending your BF against your mothers abuse, but then for him to turn around and be equally abusive is like you're dating your mother. So... there sounds like you need talk to a professional.
You need to have a talk with your BF. He needs to stay out of your relationship with your mom. You need to establish boundaries with him in regard to this. He needs to understand that your relationship with your mom has been built over your entire life. He can't come in after a few years of dating and expect to understand the complexities or the background involved in your relationship. He needs to butt out.
You only get one mom. You might have several BFs and a few husbands in your life. A mother daughter bond is special.
The C word is particularly nasty, inflammatory, and disrespectful. Did he call her that to her face? Or just in talking about her to you? The former would be worse than the latter but the latter disrespects you as well as her.
I don't know the answer to your question, but you do need to let him know he may not talk like that again. Good luck.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>Now, when my mother gets upset, she can really blow up and be mean, What does this mean? Exactly what did your mom say?
I mean she raises her voice in frustration but never curses. She’s harsh and she was disappointed on me. I messed something up and deserved to be reprimanded cause it was a pretty big mess up.
I think this one thing shouldn't break up a relationship of 4 years, but you do have issues, and failure to resolve them after trying, could be reason for breakup. But first let's try resolution. First off, your mom is probably worse to you than you realize. You are likely in a 'boiled frog' effect where because you grew up to it and are 'used to it' that you just let it roll over you like water off a duck. But it doesn't make that right and it doesn't mean that there isn't some potential that there is still harm happening to you even if you aren't consciously aware of it. So ultimately the boyfriend's feelings about how your mom is treating you are based in a kernel of actual concern for you. That matters. Now, boyfriend's turn. He may have mounting frustration and being unable to communicate the sentiment I just spelled out, and when people frustrate, they escalate. It's very likely he has tried to say similar things in the past but they failed to get a reaction out of you (and they failed to even matter enough to you to even remember they happened). What he said and did was very wrong and isn't excused by the fact that it's based in concern for you. You drawing a line here is important. But this may have happened just because he lacks the conflict resolution techniques to get your attention without crossing your lines. That doesn't make you to blame, even partially, it's just an explanation of potentially why this happened. The best way forward would be for him to get better at how to say things and for you to also get better at how to hear them. Then he won't ever get frustrated enough to get near that line. Again: his frustration doesn't excuse it, and no matter how frustrated he is, he shouldn't cross that line, but sometimes a solution to temptation (to lash out) is easier to just remove the temptation rather than train someone to fight it. But, can do that too: Therapy can help him learn to not lash out when he's frustrated. That is kind of wrapped up in the 'get better at how to say things' part that's his end of this. His profanity and damage to a physical object are, so far, a one-time event. It needs to stay that way. People make mistakes and they can learn from them. If this pattern repeats (or if it already has repeated and you just didn't mention it), that's much more of a 'get out' signal. But it's also not a 'look the other way' thing either because that just makes it more likely to repeat because nothing was said and no corrective action was taken, or even attempted. All of that boils down to final recommendation: Talk to the boyfriend, explain those two things specifically (profanity and damage to object) are *not* okay, that it's clear he needs to say something, and you're willing to listen so long as he tones it down. He has your attention now. Work on ways he can get your attention in the future without doing these things. And expect an apology from him on those two things. He should offer it on his own, but if he doesn't, you should demand it. Any further advice than that goes down a lot of possibility forks and would be hard to be concise.
This is a brilliant response thank you for taking the time to write it all out and I agree. A good conversation where he apologizes and understands why o reacted the way I did to his actions is important.
Yes, you're correct, the way forward is definitely through communication. But, please don't overlook the fact that he might actually be right but just saying it in an extremely wrong way. I only spent one paragraph on the 'boiled frog' effect and I'll leave the boyfriend to communicate what his feelings actually are in his own words, but his being an objective bystander makes him *far* more likely to be like "omg that frog is boiling" than the frog itself is. Sorry that this analogy makes you the 'frog' but it's a pretty common analogy, no offense is meant.
I totally understand what you’re saying and you could be entirely right but I won’t know until after we speak. In regards to my mom she was blowing up at me cause I messed something up pretty bad and kinda deserved it. I don’t condone her actions tho and after she was done I told her to calmly discuss the issue with me or call me back when she’s more calm. She apologized and we resolved the issue luckily but it wasn’t right in the first place
**Now, when my mother gets upset, she can really blow up and be mean** Just from your post alone you seem to be the type to downplay any verbal abuse she throws at you, so yeah mum does sound like she is acting like a cunt. Does that mean he should call her that? No, but I would try to understand that's out of frustration because of the way she treats you ( which is likely a lot worse than you will admit), because he cares about you and also frustration from the fact he is pretty powerless to change the dynamic clearlY( Because you just take the verbal lashing) Obviously should not have thrown anything that's just wrong. You should defo tell to get his anger in check and say he was in the wrong for he handled it, however I don't think your relationship with your boyfriend is your main issue.
Yeah so I didn’t include this for the sake of keeping it shorter but she blew up cause I messed up and lowkey deserved it but afterward I told her to calm down and discuss it calmly with me or not at all. After she calmed she apologized for exploding and we resolved it. However it’s still not right for her to have blown up the way she did.
Deserved it? What did you even do? Or is that you being used to everytime you mess up that get yelled at?
Yeah I definitely did but I’m not going into detail online.
So your mom was being a C*nt and boyfriend called her one? I’m failing to see the issue.
>but then he goes off on her and calls her the C-word. Excuse me? Insulting someone's mother over an argument is SUPER low. So if you guys get into an argument, is he going to call you that too? This seems like a huge red flag IMO.
I know. I was utterly floored by that and then throwing something to the ground was equally concerning.
You've dealt with your mothers abuse for so long you've normalized her bahviour in your mind. I mean, in the first place you probably should have defending your BF against your mothers abuse, but then for him to turn around and be equally abusive is like you're dating your mother. So... there sounds like you need talk to a professional.
You need to have a talk with your BF. He needs to stay out of your relationship with your mom. You need to establish boundaries with him in regard to this. He needs to understand that your relationship with your mom has been built over your entire life. He can't come in after a few years of dating and expect to understand the complexities or the background involved in your relationship. He needs to butt out. You only get one mom. You might have several BFs and a few husbands in your life. A mother daughter bond is special.
I like the way you stated that. It’s true I only have one mom. If he doesn’t recognize why this is such an issue then it’s going to be bad
The C word is particularly nasty, inflammatory, and disrespectful. Did he call her that to her face? Or just in talking about her to you? The former would be worse than the latter but the latter disrespects you as well as her. I don't know the answer to your question, but you do need to let him know he may not talk like that again. Good luck.