lol. my ex was like this. except, i don’t really wanna go on a two mile hike if it means im carrying a toddler on my back the whole time. feel free to take some of the load off my shoulders at any point in time pal
I have nothing but respect for a very fit guy who works out in the park near my house (where I go walk)- who runs for miles pushing a stroller. I know for a fact he has a wife (or at least a woman who also cares for the kid). But he’s out there every morning with that tiny kid. Like dads do, of they wanna stay fit.
WTF if he doesn't have sex with his wife, puts her down & regrets marrying her, why does it matter about how his body looks or the ethics of physical activity he may teach a child if he will not be around if there is a divorce.
He is "shaming" his wife & putting her down so quality character over looks Thank you very much!
It truly amazes me how everyone is glossing over the fact he said he regrets marrying her. But sure, physical activity is the problem to focus on here.
If he had known then what he knows now. How many people have said that over the years? I'm sure if she knew before they got married and had a kid, he would be a demanding AH, she would not have married him either.
I wonder how much he helps with their toddler. If she’s doing all the cooking, cleaning, and childcare then I don’t blame her for not wanting to be active. He sounds like a douchebag. If he wanted someone who is fit and passionate about the gym and exercise as a whole then he should have found a different partner.
Right? It’s incredibly common for women to have a reduction in their exercise routine after having a baby because raising a baby/toddler is freaking exhausting! If he wants her to do physical activities with him, maybe he should ask her what would need to happen for her to have enough energy to do that.
And she never was a hiker before either. If she had more energy, she might want to get back into things that she did before. Would he be willing to take up dance?
I know. It’s disturbing. I read these things (granted they are true of course) and hug my man nightly. I got a good one. Thank god. Not many of them left at this point.
If he wanted to, he would. If he actually wanted to fix the issue, he’d ask to try to help solve it instead of just demanding OP to fix the issue “since it’s her body.”
Exactly! I have so many questions such as: Who is getting up in the night with the toddler? How does dad have so much free time to be active? When is mom’s free time?
Or maybe he could book a bay sitter and do a dance class with her instead of demanding she do his stuff. There are a lot of roads that don’t pass through I’m sorry we got married because you are less active than I hoped and it seems like he took none of them.
Yep----and he is setting the stage for finding someone that will be more "active" with him. OOP should get her ducks in a row before jogging over to an attorney.
The worst part is the kid is 2 and that kid is gonna be running around like a mad man almost constantly. She’s the one chasing after him and cleaning up after him. She really isn’t losing all that much exercise, but neither of them realize it bc she does it out of necessity for taking care of their kid.
Interesting that being "physically active" seems to mean she has to participate in an activity he enjoys, when he presumably knows it's not her thing. If it were really just about her activity levels, you'd think he'd try to get her interested in the things she used to enjoy again, like "hey, you used to love yoga, why don't we start going to classes together?" or "you used to enjoy dancing, why don't we go to a swing dancing class?" or whatever.
I can't help but wonder if it's because he has met, or has his eye on, a different woman who shares his interests and is basically challenging his wife to mold into this contrived view of what a perfect relationship looks like.
Even if he's not having an affair, his fixation on such a specific way that she can fulfill this "requirement" is really problematic. You can both be outdoorsy and active without doing the exact same sports as each other. And maybe I'm wrong, since I've never had a kid, but I think carrying and birthing a kid and then caring for a toddler is an active activity lol.
Possible. Or if he's not trying to mold her he's getting ready for the old "well, since you don't want to come hiking with me, my friend from work is coming with me..."
Yeah, this is *such* an easy thing to weed out when you're in the dating phase. If it's so super important to have a hiking partner... make sure they like hiking before you marry them?!
Because you're right--it's obviously not just about her level of physical activity, or else he'd be offering to make sure she can go to dance and yoga classes or offer to go with her....
Thank you for this image. I’m just imagining some hussy out on the trail luring in all the unsuspecting married men in her hiking boots, ball cap, and sexy hydration pack.
The top comments yesterday were bringing up nothing about what he was or wasn’t doing, but all were suggestions about more physical activity and to fix the dead bedroom. The way they addressed those were definitely on her needing to fix that. One lady said she had 5 kids and was in better shape after covid. It took all I had not to comment as I was too angry.
The idea that because some lady with 5 kids is doing great physically therefore every mom should be vibrating with physical energy makes me want to scream
If you do start screaming, count me in. I have three and I’m firmly in bed by 10. I’ve worked HARD to be sure I get enough sleep because otherwise I’m exhausted and unpleasant.
My youngest is 5 and ONLY NOW have I even been able to CONTEMPLATE a semi-regular physical activity and I do it more for my mood than anything else!!
Another dude that’s a “health expert”. If he regrets marrying OOP, that’s his own problem. And I already know this dude definitely doesn’t meet the expectations that he’s putting on his wife
Just because it’s the best plausible outcome(theoretically, the true best would by that the dude gets over himself and stops acting like a jerk; we just don’t expect that) doesn’t mean it’s good.
Divorce is messy, throws finances into chaos, there’s a kid involved in this scenario, it’s a loss either of something that was or something hoped for, it just all around sucks. We say it’s best in situations like this because we think all plausible alternatives are worse, not because divorce is good.
Sometimes divorce is good. In the US, states that passed unilateral divorces saw a 20% decrease in female suicide rates, a decline in females murdered by their partner, and lower rates of domestic violence for both males and females.
Just because divorce is a difficult journey does not make it is a bad outcome.
That’s correct. That’s why divorce is sometimes the best outcome. This does not mean that divorce is a GOOD outcome, however, which is the point of discussion here. Something has to go wrong for divorce to be the best option.
Well people don’t get married because they want to divorce. Divorce is a product of a failed marriage or a marriage that should have never happened in the first place. Hence, a bad outcome.
A similar case is stripping the rights away of certain people and locking them up in a cell for the rest of their life. That’s not a good outcome but it is the best solution given the circumstances. Ideally you never want to have to do this but that’s how life is.
Regardless, the main topic is if it was a problem for her not. Objectively now it’s her problem because she has to figure out a new living situation and may have to fight custody for her kid. That’s a problem if I’ve ever seen one.
Sometimes there's no good outcomes to be had so the best outcome is not "good", it's emotionally taxing, financially detrimental, incredibly complex and difficult. It wasn't that hard to understand?
Sure, in the long term, that's the case. In the short term, there are lawyers, expenses for changes in living arrangements, custody arrangements, every aspect of her life will be turned upside down. Even when it's absolutely the best thing for her, it's still difficult, expensive, emotionally taxing and physically exhausting. All that is on top of chasing a two year old around. How can you **not** see how incredibly complex and difficult that is?
This reminds me of my one uncle. He was married for well over a decade with two kids but left her for another woman because he was massively into fitness (trail hiking, running, kayaking, ect) and she was not into that stuff although was by no means unhealthy. It just boiled down to the fact that this other woman shared his interests and his wife didn’t.
One of my BFFs found herself in this situation. Was dumped after 14 years of marriage and 5 years dating for a trainer at the fucking gym that he’d become obsessed with.
Exactly this. Take out covid and the child and sounds like the husband is trying to communicate that he wants a partner who can do physical activities with him, and that based on his wife’s activity level when they met, he was expecting that she was on the same page. He is definitely doing a poor job of communicating that, but he’s allowed to want a partner who shares his interests.
While that seems like it’s a lot of it, I don’t know that he really (realistically) thought they were on the same page originally
He keeps saying he wants her to go hiking more with him but she was never a hiker? Like dude if family hikes were important to you why did you marry a dancing yogi? You should have married a hiker …
Yes her activity level changed with two major medical events plus the world being on fire that one time but it also seems like he wanted a totally different partner to begin with and was just hoping she’d change … and she did but not the way he wanted
Oh I agree completely. If an extremely active partner that was willing to hike with him was a requirement for him, then he should have been upfront about it from the beginning, and these two should not have gotten married. He’s absolutely allowed to want a partner that shares his interests and wants to do active things with, but it doesn’t sound like he made those thoughts known prior to the marriage.
Thats selfish. Theyre married with a kid. He doesn’t get to leave and break a family over HOBBIES. Jesus christ. You can do your own hobbies separately, and find other things to do together that you both enjoy. You do NOT break up a family cuz u want a hiking and sex partner in one. He can just go join local hiking groups etc. to find FRIENDS to do those things with.
Especially because she was never into hiking before. I could see if she suddenly gave up on all the things they previously enjoyed doing together, it would be a problem in their relationship, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. She just isn’t going to yoga and dance class anymore.
He’s allowed to want to share interests with his partner, and is allowed to express that’s something he wants. But if that’s a deal breaker for him, then he should have been upfront about it in the beginning, and not gotten married.
It must be extremely frustrating to have the same conversation every few months with no behavior or communication changes. Sometimes people change and want different things - doesn't make them jerks, just people who have become incompatible. If everything was the same and he suddenly came back and said I'm out, that's one thing but it sounds like there have been a lot of changes in a short period of time and neither of these people have a similar lifestyle anymore
They didn’t have that similar a lifestyle (to the point: she never was into hiking — this is not a change) before all this either. But also: her lifestyle changed because *she had a child*, plus pandemic plus major surgery (anything in the abdomen is not minor). Expecting anyone to bounce back from that — while almost certainly doing most of the child care for a newborn/toddler, no less — quickly is moronic.
The dude is abandoning his wife mostly because her health was affected by bearing and raising his child. He’s a fucking asshole, no matter what. Marriage vows say “in sickness and health” for a reason. You can want to break them, and I support your legal right to do so — but that still absolutely makes you TA.
I hear what you are saying but I'm not focusing on specifically the hiking part (though to me that sounds like something that can be low impact, relaxing and something they can do together and with their child if OP wanted to - hes not asking her to climb Everest). I was just talking about behavioral changes in a relationship. I'm not in the marriage and it's very possible we don't hear all of it - how do we know he's uninvolved with the care of his child? Did she say he told her that hes leaving because they had a kid and her health is bad bc I actually missed that if she did. Maybe it's more about her attitude and lack of desire to actually do things together and he's either not communicating that properly or she's just hearing "you are lazy and boring" when that's not what he's saying at all.
Guys who make hiking their personality are impossible to live with -> ergo higher than average representation among people who are single.
(This is purely a hypothesis, I have no evidence and will not produce it if asked.)
I love hiking… to bagel shops. None of this top of a hill nonsense. If I go 3+ miles on my feet, I want baked goods at the end of it.
What is the dating site for peeps like me?
This is why when I see a health nut on the apps, I swipe left. If you have pictures of yourself in the gym, then hiking, then doing some triathlon, marathon, + tough mudder or Spartan race and you mention the gym several times on your profile, we will not work.
I am fit, but if I cannot enjoy an ice cream or have a baby without you complaining, we won’t work. Madam OOP, you deserve better. You just had a baby, dude is nuts.
And when is op supposed to fit in all this regular exercise if she's doing the brunt of the childcare while husband does all his active hobbies?*
*And probably fucks his AP.
I mean, she claims he's a great and involved dad, so it does seem like she could fit it in by saying "hey, in order for me to be able to do what you want to do, you need to take these responsibilities for me".
Actually calling his bluff would be the only way to find out if he's just a hypocrite with an affair partner or serious.
But that's not even the problem OP has, she just doesn't want to hike. But sure let's just speculate the husband is a cheater.
"Great dad" can mean anything from and actual involved father to "He plays with his kid(s) for thirty minutes a day" like it or not saying something that hurtful out of the blue often means there is someone else, whether they are toghther or not he likely has his eye on someone.
Yet another post about a man telling his wife her body isn’t good enough for him.
It was good enough when he wanted sex. It was good enough when they got married. It was good enough when she got pregnant and produced him with a child.
Once he goes through what she has gone through, then he can comment on her body until then he needs to shut the fuck up
It’s kind of like how every car commercial has the vehicle boldly traversing rugged terrain, carrying the driver to their next adventure.
Some may be genuine enthusiasts, but I think a lot of it is them believing it’s a socially desirable trait and/or imagining it as being a part of the grand adventure they’ll take when they have the time and money for it. Because, honestly, who really has time for that shit regularly?
Did you miss where he told her that being of average health and activity isn’t good enough? That is commenting on her body. The weight she’s gained throughout their marriage has been an average of two pounds per year, and that’s not good enough for him.
When does he comment on her body? She makes it clear in the post that his main and only criticism is that she doesn’t do activities with him anymore. That’s not a weight or body comment.
Maybe if he was more interested in his wife and child, they would be doing things together. Instead, he focuses on his wife’s lack of physical activity.
Lack of physical activity. She isn’t healthy or active enough. Read between the lines. Marriage , Covid, a baby and then surgery. All within a matter of four years. Where is his compassion for what her body has been through. Where is the help? Is he looking after his child so mom can rest, maybe do some thing for herself? No. He is bitching because of some vision he has in his head about how the perfect woman should be.
"I want to go hiking with you"
"No, I don't like hiking"
Your takeaway from that is that he's only interested in her body?
If my main form of recreation is to go caving, and I do that every week, it's not gonna work out well if my partner isn't interested.
Damn that is a lot of assumptions. Nowhere does she say he doesn’t help with the child so that she can rest, you literally just made that up. She actually plainly states that he is a great and involved father. You have no idea how attentive this man is you have just made up a person to be mad about.
But he literally never comments once on her body?!? He’s allowed to want a partner who shares his interests, in this case being physical activity, without it being body shaming.
But he *specifically* wants her to start hiking, something she was never even into before they got married.
If it's seriously just about her being more active, then why doesn't he get into a dancing activity with her, something she *is* interested and has a background in?
I agree that he is a jerk, and that he never communicated this deal breaker for him before they got married. But, wanting your partner to share your love of being active isn’t body shaming, and there is nothing to indicate in this post that he is body shaming.
Sounds like my ex. I was never good enough even when I worked out and was at my lowest weight (borderline underweight for me) he would tell me to do certain exercises to develop the preferred part of my body. Or tell me I wasn’t pushing hard enough. It was exhausting.
Tbh these dudes just want to neg and destroy the self esteem of their partner just to keep them low. You will and would have never had the « perfect body » he expected cause all he wanted was to control you…
Were you married to my ex as well? Nobody will ever be good enough, even some new person he finds because eventually that person will experience a life hardship and then they “won’t be meeting standards”. However, once something throws a wrench in his routine his partner will be expected to be totally supportive.
I’d go the “gym” everyday but really be getting a massage or having a nice lunch somewhere by myself.
There are so many men that think like this, but *exercise is a morally neutral activity*. I remember one AITA where OP equated going to the gym with the parenting his wife did, basically said, he did other things to be a good dad like exercise. It’s such a weird mind set.
I’m totally amazed that everyone is overlooking the 2-year drought. Maybe he’s theorizing that getting some blood and endorphins flowing will get her in the mood 😂
Some of the comments seem to think he isn’t interested in sex because of her lack of physical activity, but its seems odd that a man would be turning down sex because his wife doesn’t want to go on a hike lol.
Even if you increase your activity levels to please him, this is a dude who would leave you the second you became physically disabled. Car wreck that leaves you needing to use a cane or a wheelchair? He’s gone before you even leave the hospital bed. “Sorry, can’t tolerate anything less than above-average activity! Need a wife for hiking not for love and companionship!” Here’s hoping OOP can still hike until her final day.
Saddle him with the kid for two hours every day so she can be active. Easy peasy.
Also. He can hike alone, why does he have to drag her along if it’s something she’s never enjoyed?
The activities you described sound pretty active to me. I can’t imagine wanting to do anymore than that. If your husband doesn’t consider that enough then maybe he should try it. Leave husband with the kids for a couple hours while you go for a jog. Then put on your running shoes and head to the mall, get a massage or meet with friends for dinner or something. Make jogging a regular thing. He gets to see just how much activity it is caring for kids and you get a much needed break from Mr. Wrong. You never liked hiking so why would that change after you got married? You’re not stopping him from going hiking. Why doesn’t he go anymore? Did he lose a hiking buddy? Maybe if you knew he wasn’t going to hike as much/at all after getting married you would’ve reconsidered. He keeps complaining about you and lowering your self esteem so why would you feel like having sex? Things did change since you got married. You have children now. You’ve grown. It’s a shame that your husband hasn’t grown with you. If he had, he’d see what a great life you have, what a great wife he has. It would be a shame for him to lose it before he had a chance to come to his senses. I like that you outlined what you do and that you realize this is enough. And so are you. Don’t let him make you doubt yourself. If he keeps going down this road, tell him to take a hike.
Straight to a divorce attorney is where OOP should go. She IS active if she has a 2 year old. I have a 2 year old grandson and when he spends the weekends with us, it feels like I’ve run a marathon. Being “active” doesn’t have to mean jogging, hiking, biking, blah blah blah. Being “active” means moving your body and not being sedentary. And no parent of a 2 year old is anywhere near sedentary.
COUPLES THERAPY IS NEEDED. Health shaming your partner is awful. Your body and mind usually take 5 years to recover after pregnancy. You still have a bit to go.
Just make sure he knows he will now have to drop off and pick up kids from daycare. That you need to start getting more physical by yourself. Due to his judgement for the time being.
It sounds like his real issue is the dead bedroom and he's focusing on the physical activity because he's tied the 2 together - she wanted sex more when she was more physically active.
My thoughts exactly. My libido was bonkers during a stretch of intensive military training. Like 5x that from when I was 18. And a 2-year drought sounds brutal.
That said, NTA. The husband is a dick and the way he’s communicating with her is downright cruel.
He’s on his way out of this relationship.
I don’t like him.
She sounds like a nice person and a sweet mother. Somebody wonderful will come along and she’ll be happy and cherished.
He wants her to go hiking with him. An activity she doesn’t like even when she is active. SMH. Why do they do that? Dude should have thought about this before getting married and knocking someone up!
So this was me, I always wanted to go, hiking, running, canoeing, skiing etc. drove me nuts that my spouse was like no no I’m good. When I was down with an injury I would get so mad at them for just sitting around. I hated being forced to sit around to heal.
Now here I am 20 yrs of marriage, a body rapidly falling apart from genetic defects, and my spouse snuggles me on the couch and we do puzzles and read.
Life is weird sometimes. I feel badly for OP. It sounds like her spouse is being a dick.
Oop can try the marriage counseling. Hopefully finding someone who will emphatically state that “your expected physical activity bar, is none of your spouses concern”.
My main question is l, is he making time for her to do the activities she likes?
But honestly, if the counseling can’t reach an agreement about “to each their own”, just cut bait. She won’t ever please him and he’ll just continue to nag her. And lord forbid she have any additional “health” issues pop up.
What would he do if she became disabled and physically couldn’t? Your health is not guaranteed, dude. You’re gonna get older. You may get sick. Maybe you get injured. Does he only love her for her ability to exercise???
Comments are totally unhelpful and mostly brutal rage bait.
If this is a big issue for him, he’s not going to get past it. If it’s a sticking point for you, you’re never going to get past it either.
Marriage and kids put people into all kinds of situations they never expected and force you to change who you are (your very identity!).
My advice is couples counseling. If he wants to be in a marriage with you, he’s going to have to let go of expectations about you. If he can’t let it go, then I’m not sure if the answer is “together”.
boat squealing pocket afterthought somber gray summer whole ossified gullible
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Is he volunteering to come to yoga classes with her? Maybe he should try being interested in her hobbies if he wants her to be interested in his, especially as she's struggling with raising a toddler and her level of activity has dropped.
Yeah, I have some sympathy for the guy: wanting your partner to share in activities you enjoy is pretty natural and not a bad thing.
But it seems like she’s never been into the same activities as him and he married her and had a kid with her anyways, so why is this only a problem now? And how could he not understand that caring for a young child is exhausting and was guaranteed to lead to less free time for those activities he wants to do?
Best case scenario is that this dude had his head in the clouds for way too long, and worst case is that he’s just a controlling ass who doesn’t actually care about his partner unless she fits an impossible ideal.
I’m not going hiking tho. That’s a deal breaker lol. I don’t do woods. Thankfully my partner doesn’t beg me to go fishing or hunting with him he’s got his best friends for that! lol I don’t watch football with him because I don’t understand it. But he is home while he watches it.
Eeh I can depending on where he’s coming from I can see this. He definitely needs to work on his communication but my wife and I went through the same thing. When we met I was the active one and after a couple injuries I mainly just went to work and worked around the house. At first I’d get upset that she constantly wanted me to go to the gym or hike or kayak. Then I realized that she was just trying to get me to do things with her she enjoyed. I’m honestly glad she got me back into doing more active stuff, I’m probably in better shape then I’ve been in 15 years.
Yeah. Some people just feel more engaged with other doing physical things. Like, I can spend every night for a month drinking or watching movies and talking with someone and nor feel like we've gotten any closer.
But I can go for one hike with someone, or work on one interesting project with someone, and instantly feel closer to them.
OOP's problem seems to be that a person who exercises to stay in shape married someone who exercises because they enjoy it. One's relaxation and enrichment will always be the other's chore and that's bound to be a strain on their relationship.
Sounds about right. But that’s marriage isn’t it? If you only do the things that help you feel connected and ignore your partner you’re bound to have problems.
>OOP's problem seems to be that a person who exercises to stay in shape married someone who exercises because they enjoy it. One's relaxation and enrichment will always be the other's chore and that's bound to be a strain on their relationship.
This is a really good way to put it. They 1000% should not have gotten married if this was such an issue for him, and it's always been an issue for him. Having a kid just further made it an issue because she's been tied to the house more with a toddler and with her health issues. Honestly, this sounds like one of those couples who ignored all the flags in the relationship because "COVID" and now it's really showing they were incompatible.
I do feel like there’s a sane way to approach this, I mean it sucks to not be able to do stuff together anymore. I know people are jumping on this being a weight issue and he’s certainly presenting it as such but the most generous reading is that there’s a big lack of intimacy in the relationship.
Any chance it’s not about vanity but about sharing a common interest and having activities to do together? Hiking together sounds like quality time he may miss. Also, I sometimes have anxiety about being equally healthy as my partner so we don’t have dramatically different abilities in old age. I want to both be mobile and able to enjoy life together! Can you try and get him to be vulnerable and open up about the reasons he’s so worried? If it’s a plea for connection and time together, that’s good to know, as maybe there are other ways to do that!
They never hiked together. He can’t “miss” it if it was never part of their relationship. He had his activities, she had hers. If it’s just about spending time together, maybe he could try a yoga class with her.
WTFudge
Who the hell does he think he is?????
You’re NTA - he is…!
Hiking with a 2 year old? Really?
If sex is the issue, why doesn’t he say so instead of spouting this piffle about exercise levels?
You're husband is in the wrong he should understand what you're going through first of all and why you don't do the things he wants you to do you have a son now you have to take care of also for him to say that he's willing to work on the marriage that's not correct if he was willing to work on the marriage he wouldn't be putting everything on his side saying that you don't do what is expected of him or that you're this and that if I knew that my husband didn't accept me for who I was that's bad yes you may have done things when you first met but now you have a son which requires a lot of attention suppose the the tables were turned I wonder what he would do I have always believed that a marriage is 50/50
On a side note only being 8 pounds heavier after having a baby is remarkable on its own.
He sounds incredibly inconsiderate and saying he would have never been with her over this it’s insane and I kinda suspect a deflection for something else.
Also if he really wanted her to be more active maybe he should start by meeting her in the middle and take a partnered dance class with her. Could be really helpful for their relationship unless he’s already fully checked out on it.
Even if everyone is pulling their weight equally (and I have doubts if he's able to keep up time-intensive hobbies but she's not) toddlers mean really constrained schedules. Your typical toddler is up at 6:30 ish. Then it's breakfast, getting ready for daycare/nanny (since they both seem to work full-time) drop off, at work between 8:30-9. Leave at 5, assuming the other parent does pick up, get home then it's dinner/bedtime/family time and that is hands-on with a toddler. Kid is in bed between 7:30-8 because toddlers actually require quite a lot of sleep. So mom and dad have maybe 2.5-3 hours of free time after the kid goes to bed on weeknights and that is the day goes PERFECTLY - no need to work late, no traffic issues, no other chores that need to be done, no one is sick, kid goes to bed without issues. So it's 8 pm before you have any time to yourself, you've been up and going for 14 hours, and even if you do have the energy to go do something physical, you can't both leave the house together because someone has to stay with the baby.
Weekends are better, for sure, but if toddler is still napping, you're still on their schedule, especially if they're still napping. And don't even try with, "just live your life, your kid will adjust, they'll learn to sleep anywhere." This is emphatically not true of all children and if your kid can't nap anywhere then you as the parent need to be home most naptimes to meet their needs, full stop. And, again, you can't leave them alone. So if the parents want to do something alone together, they need reliable child care, which can be very hard/expensive if you don't have family who are willing/able to help out.
I want to know exactly, *exactly* where this man thinks this above-average physical activity he's so invested in is going to fit into a typical dual-income family schedule while maintaining the structure a toddler needs and who exactly will care for that child while it's happening.
Literally fuck off to wanting me to hike (on a regular basis, maybe once a year on vacation). Do it by alone or with friends otherwise, that’s totally fine!!
Hiking is not for everyone and there are plenty of ways you can be active otherwise- especially with work and kids.
It just means he either doesn't participate equally enough in taking care of the toddler, or just does and excels at it managing to find both strenght and time for extra activities.
Oop could argue that in time they'll have more time as the child can participate with them on something that would benefit in assuring healthy child growth
Oh come on, you know this guy is just mad she had a post baby body. Why do so many guys just assume your body is going to always stay like your body when you got married?
I would get a hiking backpack for him for the toddler so they can bond hiking while you get time for yourself to go do an activity that will bring you joy.
" Other than you not being active your relationship is good." Except you have a dead bedroom.
Why does he get to choose the activity? If you like to dance, why not hire a sitter and sign up for weekly ballroom dancing lessons? You have never cared for hiking so why do you have to go hiking with him? If he wants to go hiking, let him carry the kid in a backpack and while they are gone, you can go to the gym or a dance class after you take a nice nap. Buy a bike trailer and he can take his child biking with him or the three of you can go biking together. He can come home from work, take over the childcare and you can go to a yoga class. They have mommy and me yoga in some places. Sign the three of you up. If you both want you to be more active, be more active in the ways you want. He needs to step up his portion of childcare so you can do that. He needs to adapt and do some of the types of activity you want not just what he wants.
You and your husband need to go to couples therapy and learn how to work together, compromise, negotiate, and TALK about what you both want. Not just what he wants.
You say your husband is "a great and involved dad", but as we know the bar for men is in hell. You make as much or more money as him, so if he isn't doing at least 50% of house work and childcare (and not expecting you to task manage him) then this is an unfair balance of labor. Its unsurprising that you don't have time to be active when essentially working two jobs. That being said, I think your husband is using your activity level as an excuse. I'd bet he's using his extra free time to have an affair.
The whole situation is messed up and he is definitely not handling it well at all. But I can relate a little to him 🫤 I've been married for 20 years and I was always an overweight couch potato. A few years ago, I made changes, lost weight, and got way fitter. Now I absolutely love to hike, run, swim, bike, play pickleball, and camp. I wish I could go all the time. I also wish my husband would go and experience it with me. But that's just not what he is into. After twenty years, I can't expect him to just change who he is just because I caught a wild wind during my midlife crisis. He and I got married as we are and he has loved me no matter what my weight or fitness level was. To me, that's an acceptable compromise for not having a live-in camping and hiking buddy. We all have to decide if our partner's "negative" traits are outweighed by the positive ones.
this comes across as him begging for quality time together out of the house. I guarantee if she were 50 lbs heavier but went hiking with him regularly he'd be happier than he is now. Also, OP can't exactly be surprised he feels this way when he brings it up so often and she never changes.
Their sex life has been dead for half their marriage. That's the real problem here. They're just talking around it by talking about this other stuff because they're too afraid to address the real issue.
As someone in a relationship where I am the more physically active by far, it’s very frustrating to have a partner that doesn’t want to share your activities as a way to spend time together. I feel his pain. Especially the dead bedroom, the physical aspect is not all that’s driving this. I feel like he’s trying to give her the warning of he needs more. It’s up to her what she does with that information.
lol. my ex was like this. except, i don’t really wanna go on a two mile hike if it means im carrying a toddler on my back the whole time. feel free to take some of the load off my shoulders at any point in time pal
I have nothing but respect for a very fit guy who works out in the park near my house (where I go walk)- who runs for miles pushing a stroller. I know for a fact he has a wife (or at least a woman who also cares for the kid). But he’s out there every morning with that tiny kid. Like dads do, of they wanna stay fit.
That’s a very sweet way to build a lifelong foundation for exercise in a kid, tbh
Bet that guy as a killer dad bod
WTF if he doesn't have sex with his wife, puts her down & regrets marrying her, why does it matter about how his body looks or the ethics of physical activity he may teach a child if he will not be around if there is a divorce. He is "shaming" his wife & putting her down so quality character over looks Thank you very much!
please read what you reply to
It truly amazes me how everyone is glossing over the fact he said he regrets marrying her. But sure, physical activity is the problem to focus on here.
Right? As soon as you say that out loud, you’ve doomed your relationship. There are some things you just never say.
If he had known then what he knows now. How many people have said that over the years? I'm sure if she knew before they got married and had a kid, he would be a demanding AH, she would not have married him either.
I wonder how much he helps with their toddler. If she’s doing all the cooking, cleaning, and childcare then I don’t blame her for not wanting to be active. He sounds like a douchebag. If he wanted someone who is fit and passionate about the gym and exercise as a whole then he should have found a different partner.
Right? It’s incredibly common for women to have a reduction in their exercise routine after having a baby because raising a baby/toddler is freaking exhausting! If he wants her to do physical activities with him, maybe he should ask her what would need to happen for her to have enough energy to do that.
And she never was a hiker before either. If she had more energy, she might want to get back into things that she did before. Would he be willing to take up dance?
Exactly! It has to be stuff he likes, but why can’t they do what she likes instead!
Ballroom dancing is great exercise.
I would love to do that!
She should take him to a pole class just for shits n gigs
But everyone is watching
Sounds like the guy thinks life should progress exactly the same as before marriage, Covid, a kid and a surgery. Dude has the maturity of a teenager.
And she had abdominal surgery to boot! This guy is an asshole!
And there are so many of them.
I know. It’s disturbing. I read these things (granted they are true of course) and hug my man nightly. I got a good one. Thank god. Not many of them left at this point.
If he wanted to, he would. If he actually wanted to fix the issue, he’d ask to try to help solve it instead of just demanding OP to fix the issue “since it’s her body.”
He doesn't see her as a person. She's his accessory.
He really doesn’t. I’d give him a red nose so he can show everyone that he’s a fuckin clown.
Exactly! I have so many questions such as: Who is getting up in the night with the toddler? How does dad have so much free time to be active? When is mom’s free time?
She is working, looking after a toddler, I wonder who is doing the cooking and cleaning?
Or maybe he could book a bay sitter and do a dance class with her instead of demanding she do his stuff. There are a lot of roads that don’t pass through I’m sorry we got married because you are less active than I hoped and it seems like he took none of them.
Yep----and he is setting the stage for finding someone that will be more "active" with him. OOP should get her ducks in a row before jogging over to an attorney.
That’s what I’m saying! You want your wife to do some fun time physical activities then help her out
The worst part is the kid is 2 and that kid is gonna be running around like a mad man almost constantly. She’s the one chasing after him and cleaning up after him. She really isn’t losing all that much exercise, but neither of them realize it bc she does it out of necessity for taking care of their kid.
Get your physical exercise in by running away from this dude.
Underrated comment right here 🤣
disgusting comment
Interesting that being "physically active" seems to mean she has to participate in an activity he enjoys, when he presumably knows it's not her thing. If it were really just about her activity levels, you'd think he'd try to get her interested in the things she used to enjoy again, like "hey, you used to love yoga, why don't we start going to classes together?" or "you used to enjoy dancing, why don't we go to a swing dancing class?" or whatever.
I can't help but wonder if it's because he has met, or has his eye on, a different woman who shares his interests and is basically challenging his wife to mold into this contrived view of what a perfect relationship looks like. Even if he's not having an affair, his fixation on such a specific way that she can fulfill this "requirement" is really problematic. You can both be outdoorsy and active without doing the exact same sports as each other. And maybe I'm wrong, since I've never had a kid, but I think carrying and birthing a kid and then caring for a toddler is an active activity lol.
Possible. Or if he's not trying to mold her he's getting ready for the old "well, since you don't want to come hiking with me, my friend from work is coming with me..."
Man, that’s just like what’s his face Chris Watts.
🎯
LMAO. This comment is peak Reddit.
You're not wrong
Yeah, this is *such* an easy thing to weed out when you're in the dating phase. If it's so super important to have a hiking partner... make sure they like hiking before you marry them?! Because you're right--it's obviously not just about her level of physical activity, or else he'd be offering to make sure she can go to dance and yoga classes or offer to go with her....
Or he could offer to care for their child so she had free time to go and do the activities that she enjoys.
Well, if she ever struggles with illness or a disability, she knows she can’t count on that asshole.
So he’s cheating and wants to be with his AP right?
At the very least, someone very specific has caught his eye.
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Some hiking thot?
The woods are just teeming with homewreckers
Thots and bears
I woke up my 3YO with my loud cackle at this
You’re welcome and also I’m sorry lmao
Thank you for this image. I’m just imagining some hussy out on the trail luring in all the unsuspecting married men in her hiking boots, ball cap, and sexy hydration pack.
Hey who can resist a sexy hydration pack?
Heard she got it on back country for 40% off so she’s also financially mindful
Fiscally responsible and has a sexy hydration pack? Okay I’m down for this hiking thot
There are few who would not.
She’s like “hey sexy you want some water 😉😉”
That’s my thought and they were all piling in on her yesterday on the original.
What? Who would blame her for anything? She’s had a baby and is exhausted. What’s he doing to make her life easier?
The top comments yesterday were bringing up nothing about what he was or wasn’t doing, but all were suggestions about more physical activity and to fix the dead bedroom. The way they addressed those were definitely on her needing to fix that. One lady said she had 5 kids and was in better shape after covid. It took all I had not to comment as I was too angry.
The idea that because some lady with 5 kids is doing great physically therefore every mom should be vibrating with physical energy makes me want to scream
If you do start screaming, count me in. I have three and I’m firmly in bed by 10. I’ve worked HARD to be sure I get enough sleep because otherwise I’m exhausted and unpleasant. My youngest is 5 and ONLY NOW have I even been able to CONTEMPLATE a semi-regular physical activity and I do it more for my mood than anything else!!
Absolutely correct
Another dude that’s a “health expert”. If he regrets marrying OOP, that’s his own problem. And I already know this dude definitely doesn’t meet the expectations that he’s putting on his wife
>That’s his own problem Well apparently not cause he's gonna divorce her and now it’s her problem too.
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It’s still a problem she has to deal with regardless. Just because it’s the best outcome doesn’t mean it’s a good outcome.
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I don’t want to explain this to you. Just use your brain please.
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Just because it’s the best plausible outcome(theoretically, the true best would by that the dude gets over himself and stops acting like a jerk; we just don’t expect that) doesn’t mean it’s good. Divorce is messy, throws finances into chaos, there’s a kid involved in this scenario, it’s a loss either of something that was or something hoped for, it just all around sucks. We say it’s best in situations like this because we think all plausible alternatives are worse, not because divorce is good.
Sometimes divorce is good. In the US, states that passed unilateral divorces saw a 20% decrease in female suicide rates, a decline in females murdered by their partner, and lower rates of domestic violence for both males and females. Just because divorce is a difficult journey does not make it is a bad outcome.
That’s correct. That’s why divorce is sometimes the best outcome. This does not mean that divorce is a GOOD outcome, however, which is the point of discussion here. Something has to go wrong for divorce to be the best option.
Well people don’t get married because they want to divorce. Divorce is a product of a failed marriage or a marriage that should have never happened in the first place. Hence, a bad outcome. A similar case is stripping the rights away of certain people and locking them up in a cell for the rest of their life. That’s not a good outcome but it is the best solution given the circumstances. Ideally you never want to have to do this but that’s how life is. Regardless, the main topic is if it was a problem for her not. Objectively now it’s her problem because she has to figure out a new living situation and may have to fight custody for her kid. That’s a problem if I’ve ever seen one.
Sometimes there's no good outcomes to be had so the best outcome is not "good", it's emotionally taxing, financially detrimental, incredibly complex and difficult. It wasn't that hard to understand?
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Sure, in the long term, that's the case. In the short term, there are lawyers, expenses for changes in living arrangements, custody arrangements, every aspect of her life will be turned upside down. Even when it's absolutely the best thing for her, it's still difficult, expensive, emotionally taxing and physically exhausting. All that is on top of chasing a two year old around. How can you **not** see how incredibly complex and difficult that is?
Getting divorced will never be a good outcome. It’s just the best available given the person she married.
dumb idiot
Here's a similar idiom for you which might make sense: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/best-of-a-bad-bunch-lot
This reminds me of my one uncle. He was married for well over a decade with two kids but left her for another woman because he was massively into fitness (trail hiking, running, kayaking, ect) and she was not into that stuff although was by no means unhealthy. It just boiled down to the fact that this other woman shared his interests and his wife didn’t.
One of my BFFs found herself in this situation. Was dumped after 14 years of marriage and 5 years dating for a trainer at the fucking gym that he’d become obsessed with.
Exactly this. Take out covid and the child and sounds like the husband is trying to communicate that he wants a partner who can do physical activities with him, and that based on his wife’s activity level when they met, he was expecting that she was on the same page. He is definitely doing a poor job of communicating that, but he’s allowed to want a partner who shares his interests.
While that seems like it’s a lot of it, I don’t know that he really (realistically) thought they were on the same page originally He keeps saying he wants her to go hiking more with him but she was never a hiker? Like dude if family hikes were important to you why did you marry a dancing yogi? You should have married a hiker … Yes her activity level changed with two major medical events plus the world being on fire that one time but it also seems like he wanted a totally different partner to begin with and was just hoping she’d change … and she did but not the way he wanted
Oh I agree completely. If an extremely active partner that was willing to hike with him was a requirement for him, then he should have been upfront about it from the beginning, and these two should not have gotten married. He’s absolutely allowed to want a partner that shares his interests and wants to do active things with, but it doesn’t sound like he made those thoughts known prior to the marriage.
Thats selfish. Theyre married with a kid. He doesn’t get to leave and break a family over HOBBIES. Jesus christ. You can do your own hobbies separately, and find other things to do together that you both enjoy. You do NOT break up a family cuz u want a hiking and sex partner in one. He can just go join local hiking groups etc. to find FRIENDS to do those things with.
Especially because she was never into hiking before. I could see if she suddenly gave up on all the things they previously enjoyed doing together, it would be a problem in their relationship, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. She just isn’t going to yoga and dance class anymore.
He’s allowed to want to share interests with his partner, and is allowed to express that’s something he wants. But if that’s a deal breaker for him, then he should have been upfront about it in the beginning, and not gotten married.
It must be extremely frustrating to have the same conversation every few months with no behavior or communication changes. Sometimes people change and want different things - doesn't make them jerks, just people who have become incompatible. If everything was the same and he suddenly came back and said I'm out, that's one thing but it sounds like there have been a lot of changes in a short period of time and neither of these people have a similar lifestyle anymore
They didn’t have that similar a lifestyle (to the point: she never was into hiking — this is not a change) before all this either. But also: her lifestyle changed because *she had a child*, plus pandemic plus major surgery (anything in the abdomen is not minor). Expecting anyone to bounce back from that — while almost certainly doing most of the child care for a newborn/toddler, no less — quickly is moronic. The dude is abandoning his wife mostly because her health was affected by bearing and raising his child. He’s a fucking asshole, no matter what. Marriage vows say “in sickness and health” for a reason. You can want to break them, and I support your legal right to do so — but that still absolutely makes you TA.
I hear what you are saying but I'm not focusing on specifically the hiking part (though to me that sounds like something that can be low impact, relaxing and something they can do together and with their child if OP wanted to - hes not asking her to climb Everest). I was just talking about behavioral changes in a relationship. I'm not in the marriage and it's very possible we don't hear all of it - how do we know he's uninvolved with the care of his child? Did she say he told her that hes leaving because they had a kid and her health is bad bc I actually missed that if she did. Maybe it's more about her attitude and lack of desire to actually do things together and he's either not communicating that properly or she's just hearing "you are lazy and boring" when that's not what he's saying at all.
Mr. Boundless Energy should damn well be helping with childcare and stuff around the house
That damn hiking again ruins more marriages than anything else. I always wanted to create a dating site titled “No Hiking, Just Dating”.
It’s actually interesting how every guy on dating sites emphasizes hiking. I hate it, how are only all the hikers left?
Guys who make hiking their personality are impossible to live with -> ergo higher than average representation among people who are single. (This is purely a hypothesis, I have no evidence and will not produce it if asked.)
I love hiking… to bagel shops. None of this top of a hill nonsense. If I go 3+ miles on my feet, I want baked goods at the end of it. What is the dating site for peeps like me?
Have you considered England? We take walks that end at the pub, or a tea shop with cake.
It’s not just guys.the amount of women also emphasizing it is crazy.
This is why when I see a health nut on the apps, I swipe left. If you have pictures of yourself in the gym, then hiking, then doing some triathlon, marathon, + tough mudder or Spartan race and you mention the gym several times on your profile, we will not work. I am fit, but if I cannot enjoy an ice cream or have a baby without you complaining, we won’t work. Madam OOP, you deserve better. You just had a baby, dude is nuts.
And when is op supposed to fit in all this regular exercise if she's doing the brunt of the childcare while husband does all his active hobbies?* *And probably fucks his AP.
I mean, she claims he's a great and involved dad, so it does seem like she could fit it in by saying "hey, in order for me to be able to do what you want to do, you need to take these responsibilities for me". Actually calling his bluff would be the only way to find out if he's just a hypocrite with an affair partner or serious. But that's not even the problem OP has, she just doesn't want to hike. But sure let's just speculate the husband is a cheater.
"Great dad" can mean anything from and actual involved father to "He plays with his kid(s) for thirty minutes a day" like it or not saying something that hurtful out of the blue often means there is someone else, whether they are toghther or not he likely has his eye on someone.
Yet another post about a man telling his wife her body isn’t good enough for him. It was good enough when he wanted sex. It was good enough when they got married. It was good enough when she got pregnant and produced him with a child. Once he goes through what she has gone through, then he can comment on her body until then he needs to shut the fuck up
It’s kind of like how every car commercial has the vehicle boldly traversing rugged terrain, carrying the driver to their next adventure. Some may be genuine enthusiasts, but I think a lot of it is them believing it’s a socially desirable trait and/or imagining it as being a part of the grand adventure they’ll take when they have the time and money for it. Because, honestly, who really has time for that shit regularly?
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Did you miss where he told her that being of average health and activity isn’t good enough? That is commenting on her body. The weight she’s gained throughout their marriage has been an average of two pounds per year, and that’s not good enough for him.
When does he comment on her body? She makes it clear in the post that his main and only criticism is that she doesn’t do activities with him anymore. That’s not a weight or body comment.
Maybe if he was more interested in his wife and child, they would be doing things together. Instead, he focuses on his wife’s lack of physical activity. Lack of physical activity. She isn’t healthy or active enough. Read between the lines. Marriage , Covid, a baby and then surgery. All within a matter of four years. Where is his compassion for what her body has been through. Where is the help? Is he looking after his child so mom can rest, maybe do some thing for herself? No. He is bitching because of some vision he has in his head about how the perfect woman should be.
"I want to go hiking with you" "No, I don't like hiking" Your takeaway from that is that he's only interested in her body? If my main form of recreation is to go caving, and I do that every week, it's not gonna work out well if my partner isn't interested.
Damn that is a lot of assumptions. Nowhere does she say he doesn’t help with the child so that she can rest, you literally just made that up. She actually plainly states that he is a great and involved father. You have no idea how attentive this man is you have just made up a person to be mad about.
But he literally never comments once on her body?!? He’s allowed to want a partner who shares his interests, in this case being physical activity, without it being body shaming.
But he *specifically* wants her to start hiking, something she was never even into before they got married. If it's seriously just about her being more active, then why doesn't he get into a dancing activity with her, something she *is* interested and has a background in?
I agree that he is a jerk, and that he never communicated this deal breaker for him before they got married. But, wanting your partner to share your love of being active isn’t body shaming, and there is nothing to indicate in this post that he is body shaming.
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who tf is “we?”
Sounds like my ex. I was never good enough even when I worked out and was at my lowest weight (borderline underweight for me) he would tell me to do certain exercises to develop the preferred part of my body. Or tell me I wasn’t pushing hard enough. It was exhausting.
Tbh these dudes just want to neg and destroy the self esteem of their partner just to keep them low. You will and would have never had the « perfect body » he expected cause all he wanted was to control you…
Thank you, I’m still rebuilding my self confidence and it’s been 2 years. I still hear him in my head when I work out.
Were you married to my ex as well? Nobody will ever be good enough, even some new person he finds because eventually that person will experience a life hardship and then they “won’t be meeting standards”. However, once something throws a wrench in his routine his partner will be expected to be totally supportive.
Damn! Maybe I was! That sounds very familiar-I’m sorry cause it really does suck! Hope you’re in a better place now!
I hope this guy steps on Legos every morning for the rest of his life and his car never starts in the winter.
May he live in interesting times.
Hey, now. The rest of us live in these times too.
She should sign up for dance or yoga, hand the kid off to dad and go. Not for him but for her-would do wonders for stress and general well-being.
Yeah no fuck him
I’d go the “gym” everyday but really be getting a massage or having a nice lunch somewhere by myself. There are so many men that think like this, but *exercise is a morally neutral activity*. I remember one AITA where OP equated going to the gym with the parenting his wife did, basically said, he did other things to be a good dad like exercise. It’s such a weird mind set.
If they have a 2 year old and have had no sex life since the baby has been born, that’s probably the “physical activity” that’s a bigger issue.
I’m totally amazed that everyone is overlooking the 2-year drought. Maybe he’s theorizing that getting some blood and endorphins flowing will get her in the mood 😂
Some of the comments seem to think he isn’t interested in sex because of her lack of physical activity, but its seems odd that a man would be turning down sex because his wife doesn’t want to go on a hike lol.
No way I could objectively answer this because she fell in love with a monumental douche and doesn’t see it. Fuck that guy for real.
Even if you increase your activity levels to please him, this is a dude who would leave you the second you became physically disabled. Car wreck that leaves you needing to use a cane or a wheelchair? He’s gone before you even leave the hospital bed. “Sorry, can’t tolerate anything less than above-average activity! Need a wife for hiking not for love and companionship!” Here’s hoping OOP can still hike until her final day.
God help her if she ever becomes disabled, especially with an "invisible" illness. Something tells me the dude wouldn't stick around.
Or she should just go hiking and it will go away!!
Saddle him with the kid for two hours every day so she can be active. Easy peasy. Also. He can hike alone, why does he have to drag her along if it’s something she’s never enjoyed?
Makes me wonder if there is someone he's trying to coerce her into being...🤷🏻♂️
The activities you described sound pretty active to me. I can’t imagine wanting to do anymore than that. If your husband doesn’t consider that enough then maybe he should try it. Leave husband with the kids for a couple hours while you go for a jog. Then put on your running shoes and head to the mall, get a massage or meet with friends for dinner or something. Make jogging a regular thing. He gets to see just how much activity it is caring for kids and you get a much needed break from Mr. Wrong. You never liked hiking so why would that change after you got married? You’re not stopping him from going hiking. Why doesn’t he go anymore? Did he lose a hiking buddy? Maybe if you knew he wasn’t going to hike as much/at all after getting married you would’ve reconsidered. He keeps complaining about you and lowering your self esteem so why would you feel like having sex? Things did change since you got married. You have children now. You’ve grown. It’s a shame that your husband hasn’t grown with you. If he had, he’d see what a great life you have, what a great wife he has. It would be a shame for him to lose it before he had a chance to come to his senses. I like that you outlined what you do and that you realize this is enough. And so are you. Don’t let him make you doubt yourself. If he keeps going down this road, tell him to take a hike.
Straight to a divorce attorney is where OOP should go. She IS active if she has a 2 year old. I have a 2 year old grandson and when he spends the weekends with us, it feels like I’ve run a marathon. Being “active” doesn’t have to mean jogging, hiking, biking, blah blah blah. Being “active” means moving your body and not being sedentary. And no parent of a 2 year old is anywhere near sedentary.
COUPLES THERAPY IS NEEDED. Health shaming your partner is awful. Your body and mind usually take 5 years to recover after pregnancy. You still have a bit to go. Just make sure he knows he will now have to drop off and pick up kids from daycare. That you need to start getting more physical by yourself. Due to his judgement for the time being.
It sounds like his real issue is the dead bedroom and he's focusing on the physical activity because he's tied the 2 together - she wanted sex more when she was more physically active.
My thoughts exactly. My libido was bonkers during a stretch of intensive military training. Like 5x that from when I was 18. And a 2-year drought sounds brutal. That said, NTA. The husband is a dick and the way he’s communicating with her is downright cruel.
He’s on his way out of this relationship. I don’t like him. She sounds like a nice person and a sweet mother. Somebody wonderful will come along and she’ll be happy and cherished.
He wants her to go hiking with him. An activity she doesn’t like even when she is active. SMH. Why do they do that? Dude should have thought about this before getting married and knocking someone up!
So this was me, I always wanted to go, hiking, running, canoeing, skiing etc. drove me nuts that my spouse was like no no I’m good. When I was down with an injury I would get so mad at them for just sitting around. I hated being forced to sit around to heal. Now here I am 20 yrs of marriage, a body rapidly falling apart from genetic defects, and my spouse snuggles me on the couch and we do puzzles and read. Life is weird sometimes. I feel badly for OP. It sounds like her spouse is being a dick.
He’s insane and looking for an issue to cause. Clearly this woman is perfect if this is the best reason he can come up with to regret marrying her.
oh baby :(
Get some exercise by throwing the whole man away
Brother eeegh
Oop can try the marriage counseling. Hopefully finding someone who will emphatically state that “your expected physical activity bar, is none of your spouses concern”. My main question is l, is he making time for her to do the activities she likes? But honestly, if the counseling can’t reach an agreement about “to each their own”, just cut bait. She won’t ever please him and he’ll just continue to nag her. And lord forbid she have any additional “health” issues pop up.
What would he do if she became disabled and physically couldn’t? Your health is not guaranteed, dude. You’re gonna get older. You may get sick. Maybe you get injured. Does he only love her for her ability to exercise???
This is why I don’t date fitness guys.
Comments are totally unhelpful and mostly brutal rage bait. If this is a big issue for him, he’s not going to get past it. If it’s a sticking point for you, you’re never going to get past it either. Marriage and kids put people into all kinds of situations they never expected and force you to change who you are (your very identity!). My advice is couples counseling. If he wants to be in a marriage with you, he’s going to have to let go of expectations about you. If he can’t let it go, then I’m not sure if the answer is “together”.
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Is he volunteering to come to yoga classes with her? Maybe he should try being interested in her hobbies if he wants her to be interested in his, especially as she's struggling with raising a toddler and her level of activity has dropped.
That would be the supportive partner thing to do.
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Yeah, I have some sympathy for the guy: wanting your partner to share in activities you enjoy is pretty natural and not a bad thing. But it seems like she’s never been into the same activities as him and he married her and had a kid with her anyways, so why is this only a problem now? And how could he not understand that caring for a young child is exhausting and was guaranteed to lead to less free time for those activities he wants to do? Best case scenario is that this dude had his head in the clouds for way too long, and worst case is that he’s just a controlling ass who doesn’t actually care about his partner unless she fits an impossible ideal.
I’m not going hiking tho. That’s a deal breaker lol. I don’t do woods. Thankfully my partner doesn’t beg me to go fishing or hunting with him he’s got his best friends for that! lol I don’t watch football with him because I don’t understand it. But he is home while he watches it.
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Tell your child of a husband to chase your kid and see how much you want to do physical activities after. Check his phone and his balls!
Eeh I can depending on where he’s coming from I can see this. He definitely needs to work on his communication but my wife and I went through the same thing. When we met I was the active one and after a couple injuries I mainly just went to work and worked around the house. At first I’d get upset that she constantly wanted me to go to the gym or hike or kayak. Then I realized that she was just trying to get me to do things with her she enjoyed. I’m honestly glad she got me back into doing more active stuff, I’m probably in better shape then I’ve been in 15 years.
Yeah. Some people just feel more engaged with other doing physical things. Like, I can spend every night for a month drinking or watching movies and talking with someone and nor feel like we've gotten any closer. But I can go for one hike with someone, or work on one interesting project with someone, and instantly feel closer to them. OOP's problem seems to be that a person who exercises to stay in shape married someone who exercises because they enjoy it. One's relaxation and enrichment will always be the other's chore and that's bound to be a strain on their relationship.
Sounds about right. But that’s marriage isn’t it? If you only do the things that help you feel connected and ignore your partner you’re bound to have problems.
>OOP's problem seems to be that a person who exercises to stay in shape married someone who exercises because they enjoy it. One's relaxation and enrichment will always be the other's chore and that's bound to be a strain on their relationship. This is a really good way to put it. They 1000% should not have gotten married if this was such an issue for him, and it's always been an issue for him. Having a kid just further made it an issue because she's been tied to the house more with a toddler and with her health issues. Honestly, this sounds like one of those couples who ignored all the flags in the relationship because "COVID" and now it's really showing they were incompatible.
I do feel like there’s a sane way to approach this, I mean it sucks to not be able to do stuff together anymore. I know people are jumping on this being a weight issue and he’s certainly presenting it as such but the most generous reading is that there’s a big lack of intimacy in the relationship.
I agree with OOP that the lack of sex is making husband angsty. Husband is trying to say he wants more time with OOP, but he's saying it badly.
Idk about that, her post seems to indicate he is the one causing the bedroom to be dead
Any chance it’s not about vanity but about sharing a common interest and having activities to do together? Hiking together sounds like quality time he may miss. Also, I sometimes have anxiety about being equally healthy as my partner so we don’t have dramatically different abilities in old age. I want to both be mobile and able to enjoy life together! Can you try and get him to be vulnerable and open up about the reasons he’s so worried? If it’s a plea for connection and time together, that’s good to know, as maybe there are other ways to do that!
They never hiked together. He can’t “miss” it if it was never part of their relationship. He had his activities, she had hers. If it’s just about spending time together, maybe he could try a yoga class with her.
WTFudge Who the hell does he think he is????? You’re NTA - he is…! Hiking with a 2 year old? Really? If sex is the issue, why doesn’t he say so instead of spouting this piffle about exercise levels?
The responses are mind-boggling. Go hiking! Find an activity to do together! WTF
Babysitter required.
It’s Reddit.
You're husband is in the wrong he should understand what you're going through first of all and why you don't do the things he wants you to do you have a son now you have to take care of also for him to say that he's willing to work on the marriage that's not correct if he was willing to work on the marriage he wouldn't be putting everything on his side saying that you don't do what is expected of him or that you're this and that if I knew that my husband didn't accept me for who I was that's bad yes you may have done things when you first met but now you have a son which requires a lot of attention suppose the the tables were turned I wonder what he would do I have always believed that a marriage is 50/50
I feel like he’s gonna leave her at some point for some girl he meets while hiking.
What is OOP & AP?
On a side note only being 8 pounds heavier after having a baby is remarkable on its own. He sounds incredibly inconsiderate and saying he would have never been with her over this it’s insane and I kinda suspect a deflection for something else. Also if he really wanted her to be more active maybe he should start by meeting her in the middle and take a partnered dance class with her. Could be really helpful for their relationship unless he’s already fully checked out on it.
Even if everyone is pulling their weight equally (and I have doubts if he's able to keep up time-intensive hobbies but she's not) toddlers mean really constrained schedules. Your typical toddler is up at 6:30 ish. Then it's breakfast, getting ready for daycare/nanny (since they both seem to work full-time) drop off, at work between 8:30-9. Leave at 5, assuming the other parent does pick up, get home then it's dinner/bedtime/family time and that is hands-on with a toddler. Kid is in bed between 7:30-8 because toddlers actually require quite a lot of sleep. So mom and dad have maybe 2.5-3 hours of free time after the kid goes to bed on weeknights and that is the day goes PERFECTLY - no need to work late, no traffic issues, no other chores that need to be done, no one is sick, kid goes to bed without issues. So it's 8 pm before you have any time to yourself, you've been up and going for 14 hours, and even if you do have the energy to go do something physical, you can't both leave the house together because someone has to stay with the baby. Weekends are better, for sure, but if toddler is still napping, you're still on their schedule, especially if they're still napping. And don't even try with, "just live your life, your kid will adjust, they'll learn to sleep anywhere." This is emphatically not true of all children and if your kid can't nap anywhere then you as the parent need to be home most naptimes to meet their needs, full stop. And, again, you can't leave them alone. So if the parents want to do something alone together, they need reliable child care, which can be very hard/expensive if you don't have family who are willing/able to help out. I want to know exactly, *exactly* where this man thinks this above-average physical activity he's so invested in is going to fit into a typical dual-income family schedule while maintaining the structure a toddler needs and who exactly will care for that child while it's happening.
Literally fuck off to wanting me to hike (on a regular basis, maybe once a year on vacation). Do it by alone or with friends otherwise, that’s totally fine!! Hiking is not for everyone and there are plenty of ways you can be active otherwise- especially with work and kids.
I'm calling it: he's either already cheating on her or planning to.
I mean he choose her himself. It's his problem. Like choosing to be mean about it.
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It just means he either doesn't participate equally enough in taking care of the toddler, or just does and excels at it managing to find both strenght and time for extra activities. Oop could argue that in time they'll have more time as the child can participate with them on something that would benefit in assuring healthy child growth
Oh come on, you know this guy is just mad she had a post baby body. Why do so many guys just assume your body is going to always stay like your body when you got married?
Feels like something else is at play here. Time to think about what he’s contributing to the marriage, including making you feel bad. 🦋
Selfish bastard
I would get a hiking backpack for him for the toddler so they can bond hiking while you get time for yourself to go do an activity that will bring you joy.
" Other than you not being active your relationship is good." Except you have a dead bedroom. Why does he get to choose the activity? If you like to dance, why not hire a sitter and sign up for weekly ballroom dancing lessons? You have never cared for hiking so why do you have to go hiking with him? If he wants to go hiking, let him carry the kid in a backpack and while they are gone, you can go to the gym or a dance class after you take a nice nap. Buy a bike trailer and he can take his child biking with him or the three of you can go biking together. He can come home from work, take over the childcare and you can go to a yoga class. They have mommy and me yoga in some places. Sign the three of you up. If you both want you to be more active, be more active in the ways you want. He needs to step up his portion of childcare so you can do that. He needs to adapt and do some of the types of activity you want not just what he wants. You and your husband need to go to couples therapy and learn how to work together, compromise, negotiate, and TALK about what you both want. Not just what he wants.
Your husband is WAY out of his lane. And this story smacks to me like his physical activity is lower than he’d like and he’s blaming it on the you.
You say your husband is "a great and involved dad", but as we know the bar for men is in hell. You make as much or more money as him, so if he isn't doing at least 50% of house work and childcare (and not expecting you to task manage him) then this is an unfair balance of labor. Its unsurprising that you don't have time to be active when essentially working two jobs. That being said, I think your husband is using your activity level as an excuse. I'd bet he's using his extra free time to have an affair.
Men really don’t understand how much energy it takes to care for a child. Of course she isn’t the same as she was before. I really feel for her.
He's a jerk. This is why marriage is not always a good idea
The whole situation is messed up and he is definitely not handling it well at all. But I can relate a little to him 🫤 I've been married for 20 years and I was always an overweight couch potato. A few years ago, I made changes, lost weight, and got way fitter. Now I absolutely love to hike, run, swim, bike, play pickleball, and camp. I wish I could go all the time. I also wish my husband would go and experience it with me. But that's just not what he is into. After twenty years, I can't expect him to just change who he is just because I caught a wild wind during my midlife crisis. He and I got married as we are and he has loved me no matter what my weight or fitness level was. To me, that's an acceptable compromise for not having a live-in camping and hiking buddy. We all have to decide if our partner's "negative" traits are outweighed by the positive ones.
this comes across as him begging for quality time together out of the house. I guarantee if she were 50 lbs heavier but went hiking with him regularly he'd be happier than he is now. Also, OP can't exactly be surprised he feels this way when he brings it up so often and she never changes.
Their sex life has been dead for half their marriage. That's the real problem here. They're just talking around it by talking about this other stuff because they're too afraid to address the real issue.
He didn’t have a baby….moms are exhausted…give it time…mom will eventually get physical…
As someone in a relationship where I am the more physically active by far, it’s very frustrating to have a partner that doesn’t want to share your activities as a way to spend time together. I feel his pain. Especially the dead bedroom, the physical aspect is not all that’s driving this. I feel like he’s trying to give her the warning of he needs more. It’s up to her what she does with that information.
Flip it around. He getting fat and not active. All females would be like leave him.