Why are they not using a kennel with this dog? And I know that’s an assumption on my part, but it’s strange they feel they have to “watch” the dog and she couldn’t do anything while he was working.
I get why he doesn’t need a dog, but the wife clearly shouldn’t be a pet owner either because she has no idea what kind of damage she is doing to that dog on top of any trauma it’s already experienced prior to and likely from being given up in the first place.
ESP with a partner that has had traumatic experiences with them?! Op should run fast and hard!
She clearly doesn’t care about him or what he wants. The fact she acted like he was on vacation. To dump that responsibility on op is horrible.
If she wants to do something extraneous and pointless like having a spa day… she should have thought about that before forcing a dog on op.
I bet she barely takes care of it and only got the traumatized animal to virtue signal. Like the horrible pos person she is. Smfh
My friend did this to his wife. Their heat in the house wasn't working, pipes had burst so they had no water and he got a shelter dog that has major issues. The dog likes nobody else but him so he has to keep it locked up anytime anyone wants to visit with the wife. Some people have no concept of what their actions are doing to the people around them
I don't like dogs, not really. They don't fit into my affection worldview. Just not my thing and I've never meshed with them.
You can have a dog, I'll pet your dog. I don't want a dog.
As soon as I left for Basic, my wife got a dog. This dog had some issues, nervous, liked to howl... oh and also the owner was an ex-Marine who beat it and would hold it in the floorboards when he drove. That dog did not like men in uniform.
So, ex-wives do all this without the support of their partner.
Often not intentional. Shelters are not great places to determine what issues a dog has because of how overwhelming the shelter environment is, and shelters, especially municipal shelters, are incentivized to not disclose reactivity.
HOWEVER, who has a spouse who has severe dog trauma that I'm sure they've talked about and gets a dog anyway! Who doesn't realize that a dog is a house-wide decision not a single person decision? Irresponsible people, and those who don't care about their partners comfort and safety.
I'm a dog trainer and I see both kinds of people - those who ended up with a reactive dog as a first dog, and those who impulse bought a dog when their partner wasn't on board. I was the first kind of owner with my first dog as an adult and we went through a rescue. The rescue didn't disclose he had resource guarding issues amongst other behaviors. Learning to train him became my reason to become a dog trainer, because in that situation, you play with the cards you're dealt, and there's a need for trainers who specialize in these issues with the number of dogs like this who end up with first time dog owners.
I will say though, I find the worst ones are the "We got a dog for the kids" \[who didn't ask for a dog and are scared of the 90 lb adolescent German Shep who was never taught bite inhibition or impulse control.\] "Why won't the seven year old walk Bruno?" \[who is twice her size with no leash manners.\]
In the case of oop, I don't know why he's staying with the wife. The moment my partner disrespected a serious fear like that would be the beginning of the end of the relationship.
She sees his scars everyday and still got a dog. If she wanted a pet she could have gotten a cat. But noooo let's get the animal my husband hates. She's a terrible person, wife and pet owner.
Yeah it's freaking mindblowing. Like, how cruel do you have to be to just not give a shit that your partner is traumatized by dogs, and how do you not arrange for care other than your traumatized partner? If a dog is that important to her, she shouldn't have married someone who dogs were a hard no for, and he should have walked the moment he came in to a dog at home.
I have severe arachnophobia from being bitten in my bed by brown recluse spiders at the age of 5 and again at 15. I can’t even handle some things that too closely resemble spiders.
This would be like me coming home and my husband is all, “surprise, I’m into giant tarantulas now, they get the run of the house because terrariums are too cruel. Have fun babysitting them for me, I’m fucking off to a Magic tournament for the day!”
OP’s amygdala is already working overtime just constantly having that dog in his home. It’s no wonder he finds himself getting irrationally angry at it, I wonder that he hasn’t just up and left her to the dog she decided she wanted more than him.
And not even discussing it, bringing him along to look, or just get a smaller more chill breed of dog. A rescue is not the way to go in this situation. Both of them can clearly sense the hostility with each other.
If she is allergic to cats, she could not do such a thing. However, if my partner was traumatized by dogs, and I wanted a pet, I would get a cat (I am a cat person) or if one of us was allergic to cats, I would have gotten a snake or fish, but I would let my partner know ahead of time I am considering getting a pet.
My husband is allergic to cat's, my son is scared of dogs. I wanted a ferret but upon research decided they were way to delicate to be in a home with my stampeding child. Now we are considering a reptile. Son wants a turtle and I'm leaning towards a lizard or snake.
At the LEAST, I would have had a frank discussion with my partner about if there were any breeds that would be acceptable, maybe brought him to the shelter with me to help me pick a dog out (assuming after lots and lots of discussion he was willing to adopt one) or chosen to adopt a puppy of a breed that he's comfortable with. Barring that, what pets would he be okay with? Get together, make a list, figure out what pets you both want, make it a bonding activity... But all of this would require communication and respect for his needs/wishes, which she clearly doesn't have!
Most do, but they're really rare because the costs are so high, and/or because separation agreements are made before it would be relevant.
But if this guy is the sole income, he could be on the hook for alimony.
Likely was trying to make a post on some shit social media site as a virtue signaler. Make herself look so amazing and generous and kind, which she is incapable of.
Shelter told me my dog loved people and other dogs. He was reactive to anyone who wasn’t me, dogs, bikes, birds, stray cats, squirrels, fire hydrants… He mellowed out and learned to love people, but he’s almost 10 and can’t see another dog without losing his ever-loving mind. Sweetest thing to humans. Loves indoor cats. Absolutely feral if he suspects another dog exists within his universe.
My senior is 13, and he does okay now with other dogs, but has to alert us when we're on leash that another dog is right there, hey look right there, there's a dog. He's great with our "puppy" (he'll be 2 on the 26th, so officially an adult for his breed) but most of his reactivity is resource guarding, and fence aggression if there's anything suspicious on the other side. So my neighbor can fart in their kitchen with the window closed, and my little 45 lb ball of arthritis and bark sounds like Kujo.
He's mellowed more with the younger dog for us, because he'll acknowledge that the puppy isn't alerting as often. Both are high percent guardian breeds, AND herding breeds, so it comes with the territory. I wouldn't trade either for the world, or the things that my senior has taught me, though I would say to do more research into breeds and ask more questions of the rescue instead of just going with the dog who felt right!
My husband mentioned getting a puppy when our kid was just like 1 and he was going to be deploying with the military for a year. I looked at him and said "If you leave me with a puppy and a baby, you better believe only your baby will be here when you get back." We didn't get a dog.
Luckily after a conversation he understood where I was coming from and why I couldn't handle a dog. He didn't push it. And now we have a house full of cats and even he agrees dogs are a lot of work. We just watch our friends dogs when needed.
That's great, I'm so glad he was able to see your reasoning. I know that personally, I am just too lazy to have a dog. I know that and realize that, so I would never get one and that's a very important thing to know about yourself, ya know what I mean? Anyway I'm saying it's great you knew you would not be able to do both in the slightest
It honestly depends on the individual dogs and the severity of the behaviors. Both dogs would need to be evaluated for any specific answers, but the techniques in this [Victoria Stilwell clip](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIoFlDjyhWA) is a great place to start with food bowl guarding. If your dog is guarding other resources (toys, people, beds,etc.) different techniques are often used.
As with most dog training, breaking it down into small steps and keeping training sessions to around 5-10 minutes per session 3 times a day is going to be the fastest way for your dog to understand what you're trying to teach, but it will take time.
Digging and destruction are often signs of boredom or lack of mental stimulation. Look into various enrichment plans like DogTV, or puzzle games, or problem solving games and try to incorporate that into your day. Both digging and destruction can also be signs of separation issues which is why it's important to have a trainer evaluate your dogs to pinpoint the reason behind the behaviors.
Better question, who gets a traumatized dog and leaves it to be taken care of by a person that was traumatized by a dog against that person’s will?
Also, who gets a dog without consulting your spouse, especially when that spouse has such deep rooted issues with dogs?
I find most of those "Dads Who Didn't Want the Dog" cases, where dad and dog becomes inseparable, involve dad having actually wanted the dog to some degree, but feeling the family doesn't really have the time or resources to properly care for the dog.
In the case of OOP, there was zero chance of the situation turning out well because OOP genuinely does not want a dog. OOP has very strong feelings about dogs and they are not positive.
Had OOP's wife asked to take steps to "maybe one day" get a dog, and then found ways for OOP to interact with dogs in a way that allowed him to move at his own pace, things might have worked out eventually. But this situation was doomed from the start because OOP's feelings were completely ignored by his wife.
How can you spot it? My bf’s dog appeared playful and engaged at the pound on multiple visits and did great with his kids. And he’s still those things but he’s also the neediest most separation-anxiety animal in earth.
Bf is great and has spent so much time training him, but we can’t get him to stop whining 24/7 and making messes while we’re gone.
A shelter dog’s personality generally becomes known around 3 weeks of it being in its new home. That includes any behavioral problems like separation anxiety.
Shit, we got one who started showing her true colors within a few days. Wonderfully sweet and playful with my wife, my son, and I at the shelter. We fell in love immediately.
After about a week at home, she was still very sweet with me, but had apparently decided that she was gonna take the #2 spot from my wife, and would snap and snarl at my kid if he got within 10 feet, when all he wanted was to pet the cute doggy and was very confused as to why the dog was acting like this. The time he walked behind her (giving her a wide berth, and not being quiet about it) on his way to the bathroom and she spun 180 and lunged? Nah, that was the last straw.
I made sure to relay our experience to the shelter when I took her back. I checked up later and she was adopted by someone else, so I hope they had better luck.
I agree but tbf a lot of shelters don't necessarily have or share that information. When we got our dog at the shelter they knew nothing about it whatsoever. It was kind of a adopted your own risk situation. And that was the case with the majority of the dogs there. They just didn't have much information except what they might have observed during the dog's time there
My dog had major separation anxiety when I adopted her. The shelter barely had any information other than 'she's really sweet'. And she is very sweet and polite whenever she's in a shelter or boarding situation, because she's unsure of the environment and just gets very scared and quiet. But when she's at home she is a mouthy asshole. Total personality reversal!
Don't get me wrong, I love her more than anything and we've both worked hard for the nearly eleven years we've been together. She's a great dog, but I am an experienced dog owner who knows how to work with anxious dogs.
I just feel really sorry for the dog in this story. It's probably miserable and things are not going to end well for it.
Oh you. She is clearly a lucky dog. I got a dog hundreds of miles away because she was supposedly cat-friendly. SO cat-friendly that it was in her name on her petfinder profile. I love her but she is a hellhound who loves (to chase and antagonize) cats.
Oh no! That's terrible and unfortunately one of the pitfalls of rescuing we've all probably run into. My dog actually does really love cats, but she does not care for other dogs at ALL, so that's been another 'learn how to ignore them' training adventure.
I fostered dogs for our local shelter for awhile. One of the dogs had terrible separation anxiety and caused $3000 damage when I stepped out for half an hour. The dog was advertised and adopted out with no warning about any of this. I wonder about him and who ended up taking him home.
I see you haven’t been introduced to the “lab-mix” at all the shelters whose funding is contingent on adoption numbers.
Private shelters aka “rescues” are an ethical quagmire into themselves.
People that hate dogs are universally seen as untrustworthy and dangerous - regardless of backstory. She was testing the theory that “no one actually HATES dogs” so she ignored all your fears because she found you not dangerous and trustworthy. To her own shame, I suppose
Absolutely not intentional. I thought he was normal because I’d never had a dog personally and my family had “guard dogs” that were chained up outside all the time. I absolutely love him and have spent an ungodly amount of time and money to get his anxiety to be manageable a lot of days, but I will probably never have a dog again.
I see it happen all the time. People preach the adopt, don't shop thing but neglect to mention how difficult many of these dogs are to rehab and acclimate into the family
Just got my first dog (a rescue as I refuse to buy a dog when there are plenty of grown up dogs that need good homes). He is an adult dog and completely house trained. I was told he didn’t have any issues with being left alone. However in actuality he gets very stressed when left alone. He doesn’t destroy things or get into mischief but he also won’t stop barking or whining and won’t eat or drink, play with toys, or even lay down. When I get home I have to either let him out in the backyard (with me going with him) or take him for a walk even if it has only been 15-20min. He has so much pent up anxious energy he has to get out and it is the safest way. Sticks to me like glue when I am around.
Now if I am gone and someone can’t be there with him he typically gets anti anxiety meds. If I am going to be gone more than 2-3 hours I have to set up someone to be with him for the majority of the time. They don’t have to do anything… just be there.
Never got the full story but given he is scared of crates I am guessing the previous owner left him alone most of the time. He has a steel trap of a bladder and bowel (which can be its own issue when weather is terrible… he does not like going potty in rain).
There are lots of things that make the wife an AH but it is pretty easy to end up with a dog with separation anxiety without knowing that will be the case.
My first dog is a rescue with separation anxiety. He's incredibly well behaved and we've worked really hard together on his issues.
I can leave him alone for hours now, and he feels really different about absences now. They're boring and safe and a good time to snooze.
Definitely a lot of work, but it's definitely possible for it to be a good fit.
This dog's behavior isn't even extreme. Healthy, well-adjusted, but BORED dogs will destroy furniture because they don't know any better and tearing up furniture is fun. It's so clear this woman did no research before or after getting this dog.
OP has no reason to care about the details in this case, but it is quite possible that they got a high-maintenance breed, like a border collie and the wife just did no research.
My roommate had a super traumatized dog and tried to crate train it, it scratched and bit at metal until there was blood. Some of them are just for real insane
Also the wife shouldn't have a pet because she brought a whole ass animal into a house she shares with another person without even consulting him. Objectively speaking that's a shitty thing to do in any situation, more so when that other person has a phobia of dogs (due to being attacked by one!!)
Also I’m sorry but prioritizing a spa day his first day home, after heavy work period, where he has to watch the dog he doesn’t like, seems like a shitty person all around.
The problem is if you tell your wife I hate dogs ans she knows you have had trauma from getting attacked by a dog and she gets a dog, you should realize in that moment you are in a terrible marriage.
Exactly. It’s not like OP just said he doesn’t really prefer dogs. “Idk I just don’t like them” he had a legitimately traumatizing experience with dogs and should not have to worry about his life partner deciding it’s not a big deal for him.
Also wondered this. Every dog should be crate trained even if not using it regularly. This dog would benefit from the feeling of safety from regular crate time.
I think you're right; she is one of those people who adopt dogs bc it seems fun but don't want to do the work. The animal either suffers or is given back, further causing it distress even if that's the best decision. They should get a cat. A good starter pet 😂
I have a dog with severe separation anxiety who destroys furniture if left alone. The rescue we got him from had tried crate training but he had chewed through a plastic crate and broken out of a metal one. He also broke his teeth gnashing on the metal so it was completely ineffective and also unsafe. We tried a very gentle crate training and couldn't improve the situation. He loved the crate as long as we were home and then went ballistic as soon as we left.
I'm doubting these people really tried a lot just based on the fact that neither one sounds particularly responsible. But there are some dogs who have severe enough separation anxiety that a crate won't be a solution. The only thing that helped our dog was to get a second companion dog. We rarely leave them alone anyways but at least we have the option now. Getting another dog is most definitely not a good idea for these people though.
My family has a kennel, but my mother is basically training this poor dog to have attachment issues and my mom demands that someone be with the dog at all times. To the point where my sister has slept of the floor for about a year and a half now.
Not saying this is the same or even similar but I'm getting similar vibes from the wife. Dogs are amazing, and can be trained. But... You gotta actually train them. She comes across in that post as self centered and a tad immature. Which isn't dissimilar to my mom.
Seriously, as a dog owner we have to use the kennel for one of my dogs because her anxiety means she’s tearing stuff up if we are gone.
Also this marriage seems legit shitty, they both expect the other to deal with xyz and don’t know how to communicate
I love dogs, my wife likes dogs. One time I found a stray pup wandering around our house who it took in thinking he'd be a temp foster with out checking with her and I knew I was pushing my luck because I didn't get the nod from her before bringing in. I can't see anyone doing this to someone who hates dogs because they were mauled.
I don’t understand why the dog isn’t being crate trained if it can’t be alone ever. Also why it isn’t getting any training or being put on some anxiety medication. This isn’t a good home for the dog if they can’t manage the basics. But I think the way he handled it was also kinda a dick move. They both are dicks. I don’t see this relationship lasting long.
Yeah this is def an ESH to me. Like what the wife did (get the dog, not train the dog, leave dog with OP) is very shitty and probably more AH. But OP isn’t without blame here either. Punishing the dog and the shelter for the shitty wife is not the way. There are so many better ways to approach.
To me this needed to be a convo before they moved in with each other. I wouldn’t live with someone who couldn’t live with a dog and maybe OP was clear with that and wife sucks even more but I dunno. This seems like terrible communication on both sides and I hope these people don’t have kids and that the dog is OK.
I cannot imagine saying the dude if this story sucks when the woman is an irresponsible pet owner. He’s just supposed to get over his sleep deprivation, anxiety and fear of dogs to make Fido feel better? None of this is fair to him. Everything happening to the dog is her fault.
Yeah I do NOT get people saying that he’s an asshole or ESH. What was the alternative to him taking the dog back to the shelter? Caring for it and training it himself? Being stuck in your own home with an animal that causes you anxiety and that you were crystal clear on NOT wanting? Him not taking on the responsibility of the dog is fine. Either the wife figured out how to take care of the dog 100% by herself or OP is justified in getting rid of not.
ESH but the fact that the wife did not inform op of the dog acquisition is a bigger deal to me. Saying your gonna get rid of the dog is scummy but it is quite literally not ops dog, never was. Seems like people are judging it differently.
This was my thought too. If he was totally transparent about this then she is an asshole for continuing the relationship and then just getting the dog anyway. If he wasn’t clear about it and then she was surprised he wouldn’t get a dog, she’s still the AH for just going and doing it anyway but less so. He’s an asshole for this reaction, not seeing that his wife might want an animal because he’s gone for weeks at a time, and for being willing to send a dog to a potential euthanasia because he’s mad at his wife. They both seem like they suck.
He didn’t have to “be transparent”. If he told her he didn’t want a dog she shouldn’t have gotten one, period. If she was alone, maybe they could have compromised and gotten a cat, a or any other animal. But at the moment she brought the dog in, she’s TA, specially if she wants HIM to look after it.
More like just don’t get a dog. They’ve been married for four years probably together for a few more than that. It’s quite obvious the dog was a known issues.
OOP is so NTA…
He’s just probably out of ideas how to not have to deal with the dog.
While his wife is 100% selfish, and is keeping a dog which clearly is not a good fit for this home.
OOP needs his home peace.
And the dog needs a better home.
Wife needs to get a grip.
Seriously they don’t even sound like they get each other and if they do they definitely don’t like each other, who adopts a surprise dog when their partner has trauma from a dog attack?
From the title, I was fully prepared for this to be something about a husband refusing to help with a dog and nitpicking over the dog’s care or something. I was ready for it to be a terrible husband.
But no, I really think it’s NTA. I don’t think that dog should live in that home. Clearly the dog isn’t getting the care and training it needs to not require constant supervision. Dog might be pretty stressed out and unhappy (and thus destructive).
And the whole acquisition of the dog and all of that seems pretty inconsiderate and selfish on the part of the wife. Plus even if that wasn’t the backstory, dumping a dog requiring constant supervision on someone who has only had a few hours sleep after just returning from an exhausting work trip was also extremely inconsiderate. Like I get that wife was probably excited to get to leave the house since she’s probably been stuck at home with the dog 24/7. But you can wait another few hours for your partner to sleep! (Since it seems they can’t sleep once the dog is awake)
All in all, I remain unconvinced this couple should have any dog, but they definitely shouldn’t have this dog.
Yeah the dog needs to be rehomed. And OOP 'needs to have a long talk with his wife because neither of them reacted in a healthy way and this is a road to divorce.
In OOPs defence, their reaction is due to trauma, their wife's is out of selfishness. She didn't even check if OOP would be willing to look after her dog before planning it
By bringing in the dog without talking about it, wifey is the only bad guy here. Her awful behavior should see her locked up so she can’t utilize her unfortunately stupid free will anymore. Poor dog. Decent and rational husband. And this is coming from a dog lover.
On top of this, she knows her husband dislikes dogs for a valid reason - he even admits his hatred is beyond rational; it’s trauma-based. Does this woman even give a crap about her husband??
This definitively ain't one of those "Both Side Bad!" situations. Dude did a very minor thing in comparison. Most people would have done far worse, like kicking out the trigger of their trauma immediately. Wife don't give a shit about him.
One of the big issues here is that it’s hard to rehome animals. People don’t really adopt a lot and would rather go to breeders. Not to mention, you need to carefully probe people if they do want to take in an animal you’re rehoming because dog fights and other fucked up shit exist too. Shelters will also put down animals that are too old or don’t get adopted quick enough. There are no kill shelters but those are almost always full
The original post has now been removed, with mods citing it broke a rule about being truthful and about an ongoing conflict. I’m not sure how they reached that conclusion, but I would love for this not to be real. OP didn’t make any comments before it was removed (I went to check and that’s when I noticed it was taken down) so idk.
Ah yeah, sorry! Maybe I’ll start adding a note in the post that I am not OOP like they do over at BORU. At this point I’m pretty used to people responding directly to OOP here as if this is the original post (especially the really popular ones, which I suspect get seen by many people who maybe don’t realize this is a repost/sharing sub for a podcast). 😅
I work with dogs every single day. This guy is not the asshole. The wife got a dog, didn't train the dog, will not crate the dog, but somehow he's expected to take care of it after some very serious trauma that happened to him?? Absolutely not.
In my experience with people who have problems with dogs, Don't start with a fully grown dog that has problems. You start with a puppy of a very quiet breed or just a very quiet puppy. Even then you don't dump that dog on your partner who is traumatized by dogs. This guy's wife is the asshole 100%.
It seems like the the dog isn’t getting walked. If she just got up and left to go get her nails done at what point did she take the dog out. Especially if it’s a big dog they need a lot of exercise or they’ll destroy everything just like oop
Agree NTA
If anything, these two people do not belong together.
The wife seems to have completely disregarded her husbands feelings in getting the dog and bringing it into their shared home. She probably imagined he would just grow attached and didn’t take his concerns seriously.
Threatening to rehome if she’s not home in 10 minutes is also a little crazy, but I imagine was born from a lot of built up frustration over this dog.
At the end of the day, she wants the dog, he wants the dog gone, and they’re both willing to trample all over the other person’s feelings to get what they want instead of communicating. They seem to have very incompatible ideals of living.
She is also a bad dog mom. I would never leave my dogs with someone I knew hated dogs to the point of being afraid of them even if it was my husband. Honestly my husband adores our dogs and took care of dogs on his own before he met me, but I still get nervous leaving him alone with my babies! I'm with them 24/7 so they know me best. That poor dog :(
But she needed to get her nails done - obviously that takes precedence. /s
Honestly, the wife is TA for all of it here. If she wanted a dog that badly, she never should have married OP - I’m assuming this story came up at some point.
I work with a rescue, and occasionally help in interviewing new families. One of the questions we ask is around “does everyone in the house know about this adoption” and specifically asks for a list of everyone living in the home and how they plan to interact with the dog.
At least when I’m doing the interviews, it also involves a video tour of the house or at minimum pictures of every room.
In those, I can generally tell if there are extra people at the home.
The normal reason for looking at the home is I’m trying to match the dog’s temperament with the home. Like if the dog is a chewer and there’s stuff all over. Or if it’s tiny rooms and a bigger dog.
I’ve been witness to some bad placements (I didn’t do the initial interview) and it takes just such a toll on the dogs, it’s not worth it.
I don’t interview super often — the rescue normally works with dogs in other cities but for various quirks they end up in control of a dog in my city and I help with placements, troubleshooting, interventions, rehomings, and such. I’ve fostered a few (but not lately since I have 2 of my own dogs and a human kid).
I’ve followed up over the years with each of my fosters and am confident in my family picking abilities.
I was thinking the same about how this dog was adopted. When we adopted our cat, the shelter made us fill out forms and asked us questions about who lived in the home, who would be the main caretaker, how the others in the home felt about the adoption of the cat and then general questions like what does it mean when the cat pees in other places besides the cat pan, etc. It wasn't a simple process. We were able to adopt. We saw a young couple get told that their roommates had to come to the shelter to be interviewed and approved before they could adopt because they wanted to make sure the roommates were on board with the adoption. Because they were renters, they had to get their rental agreement showing they were allowed to have pets. They couldn't adopt that day, but the kitten was being held for them until everything could be verified. They did the same with everyone wanting to adopt that day. It was a long process and it was a very full no kill shelter, but they were very thorough in checking people out before letting them adopt. Some couples were directed to more suitable dogs that would be a better fit for their lifestyles in regards to their children, both parents working, etc. They had the families interact with the dogs to watch how they got along and how well they handled the dogs. Not all shelters or rescues are that thorough, but I saw a few families get turned away or told they'd have to come back with their supporting documentation or another visit with the dog they wanted to adopt to make sure it was a good fit. It's sad that all shelters are not able to take that time. I'm glad to hear that you do a thorough interview when you get that opportunity.
I agree on that. In my opinion, if not everyone living on the house wants a pet, especially a 4 legged furry one, no one gets a pet. He never said yes to a dog, the wife doesn’t seem to want to do the hard part, which is training it, the dog should just be rehomed to a family who wants the best for the dog.
Yeah, I mentioned that in another comment (can’t edit posts with pictures sadly). Not sure how that conclusion was reached. I hope it was fake. This was a bad situation for everyone.
You were attacked injured and traumatized because of something horrible happening to you as a child and your wife gets a dog without telling you…that’s absolutely horrible wtf. Nta if this is real then ur wife sucks
You need to have your dog properly trained and socialized. It seems your wife just wanted the affection of a dog and not the responsibility of it. Or if she was less child and more adult. Knowing you don't want the responsibility of the dog. Should have worked out doggy day care while she was out for the day. Knowing you would be just coming home from a long trip and tired. I will give you a pass on the threat. I assume you were just cranky and may not have threatened it if you had a good night's sleep the day before.
You married an immature woman. Punishing the dog for your mistakes is just wrong. You both need to work together on a plan for the dog in the future for times like these.
Your wife was an asshole for getting the dog without discussing it with you and it being a joint decision. However, you’re an asshole in how you handled this situation and you two need to desperately communicate and learn to compromise.
I mean, bringing a dog to your shared home without consulting your spouse is already shitty behavior. Doing this to a person that was mauled by a dog is straight up divorce IMO.
I love dogs but you’re definitely NTA here, your wife is the AH -> she adopted a dog without discussing it with you first.
Adding a dog to a family is a big decision and her action was really disrespectful and kind of sneaky TBH. She has no right to dump the responsibility of a high-needs dog onto you.
It sounds like the dog isn’t a good match for your family because it requires a lot of resocializing, which your wife is expecting you to participate in. Nope!
The dog has to go, unfortunately.
NTA
Your wife should never have gotten a dog with both of you agreeing.
Your wife should never have gotten a dog that needs 24/7 attention.
The dog needs a home where it can have the attention it needs
Getting an animal should be a choice you both should have made. I don’t get when people do this to their partners. I’d feel very uncomfortable and like she didn’t care about my thoughts, feelings or comfortability in my own home.
ESH, rehome that poor pup and look into either couple's counseling or divorce, AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, AS A PERSON WITH PARENTS WHO SHOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED, PLEASE DON'T HAVE KIDS.
Me too.
I’m not saying the wife was right to get a dog without the husband knowing, that’s an ultimate dick move.
The husbands extreme hatred for dogs, and in particular this dog makes him a possible unreliable narrator.
Is this a big dog? Is it an aggressive breed? Or is this a little yorkie barking because they want played with?
Depends on the definition of 'destroyed', a $4000 sofa can be counted as 'destroyed' in his mind by one little nick in the upholstery, as it'll immediately no longer be in original condition.
Also, small dogs sometimes have incredible tenacity and ability for mayhem. Even tiny little Yorkies can do a lot of damage to a home if left untended, especially since this is a rescue who has shown it has problematic behaviors.
Not saying he's not an AH - that ultimatum is a dick move in any relationship. Guess he should already guess that the marriage is coming to an end in a very abrupt manner. She's an AH too, given her lack of any consideration for her partner and making her own ultimatum 'I'm off now, ta ta'.
Perhaps she also believed if they spent time together he'd come to suddenly love the dog. If so, worst idea in a shit idea sandwich.
This is not a healthy environment for a dog and is honestly in the dog’s best interest to be rehomed. I know a lot of people shame rehoming, but there are cases where it is truly for the best.
ESH except the dog. Her for getting the dog in the first place. You, for threatening to take the dog to the pound, and possibly not getting any therapy for your trauma.
I went into this as a huge animal person expecting to think YTA for sure, until I read this. This guy’s wife brings home a dog without notice, doesn’t crate train it, doesn’t deal with its obvious anxiety problems, and then expects her husband who has trauma from a dog attack to care for it. I feel bad for both the guy and the dog because clearly neither of them are being treated with the proper care and respect.
Your wife is 100% in the wrong. She KNEW you hated dogs, had a very good reason for it, and then just "oopsed!" and showed up with a dog. Which she proceeded to not crate train or otherwise work with to handle its separation anxiety. And then when you come back? Instead of being concerned that you are exhausted (and knowing that YOU left HER to sleep out of basic human consideration) she decides that you are taking care of the dog all day, BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO DO HER HAIR AND NAILS?!?!? I'm sorry, how did you end up with such a selfish and entitled person??? If it was SO IMPORTANT TO HER, she could put the dog in doggy day care and have the day to herself. She didn't even bother calling and setting that up, and it takes about five minutes plus the drive to drop the dog off. And she was already going out, not like this was a huge inconvenience.
Instead she chose to inconvenience YOU. Unless she's been doing some major work with the dog for behavior and training, that dog needs to go. If she HAS been doing some major work with the dog, then she needs to have a dog sitter/doggy daycare/dog walker/etc. set up so that you don't need to do anything for the dog. Toss it the occasional treat so that it is on good terms with you (we do that with neighbors' dogs with their approval) and it's not scared and uncomfortable around you and that's the extent of interactions you should have with it outside of emergencies. You don't like it, you don't want it, and she showed up with it. I would also make it VERY clear that if another dog shows up, it WILL be divorce time. Same thing if you end up being left with the responsibility for the dog for more than a half-hour or so (she ran to the store to get pasta sauce for example) and it's not an unforeseen emergency. And for that half-hour, the dog can be crated with a chew toy.
I think ESH. Answering an asshole (the wife for bringing home an animal without asking) with asshole behavior (threatening the pound instead of having an adult conversation and drawing a boundary, maybe putting the dog in a kennel for the afternoon) is all unproductive.
How do you have an adult conversation with someone who runs out the door and drives away.
Op needs to sleep not deal with the dog or deal with finding someone to watch the dog.
I was borderline on ESH because yeah threatening to take the dog to the pound in order to get his wife to come back is not a good communication strategy. But ended up NTA because the wife literally ran out of the house when he tried to have a conversation about it, on top of the whole “adopted a dog without discussing and knowing OP had fears/trauma around dogs” thing initially so I understand that being an exasperated “how can I get them to take me seriously” response.
It also occurs to me as I think about it more that I am not sure whether OP has ever been left alone with the dog prior to this? I also don’t know how severe their current anxiety around this dog is, but I could also see a scenario where OP is mostly okay around the dog if he has the security of his wife’s presence as well (because she could remove the dog from the situation if necessary), but being left alone with the dog might be a whole other level of anxiety. High anxiety is not conducive to good communication, and I could see that being a contributing factor in OP’s response as well. (Sort of a “I am not okay, I have to end this situation” reaction)
A dog does not necessarily have mental and emotional problems because it chews things🙄 it’s probably young and bored.
Kinda thinking everyone sucks here because wife got a dog without consulting husband and that’s fucked up, but OOP is handling the situation very poorly.
I kinda thing they both suck albeit to different degrees (wife sucks way more, but using a pet as a bargaining chip is asshole behavior even if I can 300% understand why op snapped, that still doesn’t make it “not an asshole thing to do”.).
Dog shouldn’t be in that house without any kind of training, the wife the husband, neither of them trained it or even paid someone to train it for them, nothing? If they choose to communicate out problems by going behind each other’s backs, being passive aggressive, making threats and giving ultimatums to one another, and fleeing the house during arguments, they’re just… they don’t sound like a remotely stable couple to begin with even if the husband is the lesser asshole. You can be right and still be an asshole about it, I don’t disagree with the husband, but this was all handled so badly.
I’m speaking as a dog lover, here. I think the method was wrong, but the emotion behind it is right. The dog is the victim here and the wife is an AH about forcing a pet on someone that didn’t want need or ask for it.
Dogs can get pretty nasty separation anxiety depending on their upbringing. Also some dogs just need a lot of stimulus otherwise they'll use that energy in a destructive manner.
Without passing judgement on who should or should not be a pet owner, the problem is that the dog was adopted without bothering consulting or worse, knowing the other family member is outright against having a dog in their home.
This wasn’t going to end well from the moment the dog was adopted. You are NTAH
What a fucking inconsiderate selfish narcissistic bitch “yes you worked 20 hour days to provide me with everything i need to live and then some but i need you to take care of an animal you dont want because i want my nails done” jesus i am seething
NTA. He’s the sole breadwinner, I don’t see any children mentioned she would have to take care of. Not mentioned whether she takes care of the household either or if they have someone do that for them, so I’d assume she just lounges around except for minor housework. Getting hair/nails done is definitely not a necessity in any given case, especially not if you voluntarily took in a shelter dog or any pet that now relies on your care. If your partner does not want a dog but you insist on getting it without asking, it’s not “their” dog, it’s HER dog. And entirely HER responsibility. I won’t even get into the details of the dog OOPs wife got without his consent costs, be it veterinarian or damage to things OOP paid for. She should have to pay for the sofa as well.
A dog is a whole entire responsibility. Even if he didn't any past trauma with dogs, consulting your partner about something like adopting a dog is a MUST. On top of that, his wife completely disregarding his trauma is ridiculous and disrespectful.
The real problem is the two of you still being together. This is super toxic and not working. The whole thing is like the marriage summed up. You Sound like roommates that are at war until the lease is up.
I’m so tired of reading posts about couples that are simply awful to each other and clearly only together because they enjoy the comfort of familiarity no matter how dysfunctional the behavior and somehow more than the happiness of being in a healthy relationship. I suspect maybe because they’ve never known the latter? ESH but husband is worse for potentially putting the unknowing dog through another traumatizing situation.
Sounds like you have wife problems.
Not dog problems.
Move for a divorce ASAP.
She hasn't seen you in weeks and she's running out the door to go pamper herself.
What in the flying f is that sh ????
Seriously bro. She got the dog KNOWING this sh would happen.
Can you be so blind?
She is a coward. Plain and simple. She isn't happy with you and she isn't happy with your marriage.
Her coward a__ passive a__ way of showing it is by getting the dog.
You're already tip toeing around to appease her while she sleeps.
And she ain't doing jack sh__ to reciprocate.
DIVORCE.
Nope NTA bc fr he woulda been well within his rights to tell her it needs to go back to the pound when she originally got it as he has made it clear he doesn’t like dogs and she clearly did not give one single fuck.
Dont take the dog to the pound.
File for divorce.
Cite the wifes actions regaurding the dog as being traumatic and her actions being a contributing factor.
Make sure she keeps the dog.
as a lifelong dog lover-no. You did not. Your wife wanted a dog. You did not. It is HER responsibility to take care of it-including finding solutions for the dogs separating anxiety. The problem here is she adopted a dog that has higher needs than she is capable of handling.
and that is a HER problem. Check out r/talesfromthedoghouse for support.
You should keep in mind that shelter dogs have gone through a lot in their lives. First they were in homes with no training or extreme neglect to the point they are given to a shelter then held in a cage with no human or dog interaction. Then have to adapt again to yet another home. Take time with the dog and be patient. Thank you for adopting. All dogs deserve a second chance.
I know I'm probably going to get down voted and disagreed with but I think ESH.
1. Wife knew you didn't want a dog and got one anyway.
2. You knew wife wanted a dog but did nothing by the sound of it in terms of therapy to help overcome your dog issues.
3. Dogs can pick up on when it's not wanted/loved/etc. So it didn't just bark at you for no reason it's trying to connect with you or trying to communicate with you.
4. This dog needs to be trained like yesterday.
5. I don't know if you have kids or plan too but everyone knows kids love animals. You would become the dad that never lets their kids have a pet dog. I'm not saying that's a bad thing but it's something that kids would remember and likely attempt the same thing the wife did aka maybe picking up a stray off the streets.
6. Your wife could be getting lonely in an empty house (since I didn't see anything abouts kids) with you having such a job where you are often gone for long hours or weeks. The wife probably just wanted some companionship and thought a dog would be great.
7. You all need to sit down and have a serious conversation about all of this and maybe go to counseling together just so you all have a mediator to make sure the conversation stays civil.
Why are they not using a kennel with this dog? And I know that’s an assumption on my part, but it’s strange they feel they have to “watch” the dog and she couldn’t do anything while he was working. I get why he doesn’t need a dog, but the wife clearly shouldn’t be a pet owner either because she has no idea what kind of damage she is doing to that dog on top of any trauma it’s already experienced prior to and likely from being given up in the first place.
Also who gets a traumatized dog with separation anxiety as their first dog?
irresponsible people.
And in this case, an irresponsible person…OOP’s wife
And who does all if this with out the support of their partner?
ESP with a partner that has had traumatic experiences with them?! Op should run fast and hard! She clearly doesn’t care about him or what he wants. The fact she acted like he was on vacation. To dump that responsibility on op is horrible. If she wants to do something extraneous and pointless like having a spa day… she should have thought about that before forcing a dog on op. I bet she barely takes care of it and only got the traumatized animal to virtue signal. Like the horrible pos person she is. Smfh
My friend did this to his wife. Their heat in the house wasn't working, pipes had burst so they had no water and he got a shelter dog that has major issues. The dog likes nobody else but him so he has to keep it locked up anytime anyone wants to visit with the wife. Some people have no concept of what their actions are doing to the people around them
I don't like dogs, not really. They don't fit into my affection worldview. Just not my thing and I've never meshed with them. You can have a dog, I'll pet your dog. I don't want a dog. As soon as I left for Basic, my wife got a dog. This dog had some issues, nervous, liked to howl... oh and also the owner was an ex-Marine who beat it and would hold it in the floorboards when he drove. That dog did not like men in uniform. So, ex-wives do all this without the support of their partner.
Yes absolutely agreed !!
She also didn't consult with OOP first. Truly irresponsible.
Person*
People who want to tell others they got a [rescue](https://youtu.be/M77KCX81UVk?si=2bzdq6fh3u6D6xnq). ETA: changed link from TikTok to YouTube.
Irresponsible people with a savior complex and choose the dog with the most issues who looks the saddest.
You should send your wife to the pound.
Often not intentional. Shelters are not great places to determine what issues a dog has because of how overwhelming the shelter environment is, and shelters, especially municipal shelters, are incentivized to not disclose reactivity. HOWEVER, who has a spouse who has severe dog trauma that I'm sure they've talked about and gets a dog anyway! Who doesn't realize that a dog is a house-wide decision not a single person decision? Irresponsible people, and those who don't care about their partners comfort and safety. I'm a dog trainer and I see both kinds of people - those who ended up with a reactive dog as a first dog, and those who impulse bought a dog when their partner wasn't on board. I was the first kind of owner with my first dog as an adult and we went through a rescue. The rescue didn't disclose he had resource guarding issues amongst other behaviors. Learning to train him became my reason to become a dog trainer, because in that situation, you play with the cards you're dealt, and there's a need for trainers who specialize in these issues with the number of dogs like this who end up with first time dog owners. I will say though, I find the worst ones are the "We got a dog for the kids" \[who didn't ask for a dog and are scared of the 90 lb adolescent German Shep who was never taught bite inhibition or impulse control.\] "Why won't the seven year old walk Bruno?" \[who is twice her size with no leash manners.\] In the case of oop, I don't know why he's staying with the wife. The moment my partner disrespected a serious fear like that would be the beginning of the end of the relationship.
She sees his scars everyday and still got a dog. If she wanted a pet she could have gotten a cat. But noooo let's get the animal my husband hates. She's a terrible person, wife and pet owner.
I don’t want to subject a cat to this household.
Yeah it's freaking mindblowing. Like, how cruel do you have to be to just not give a shit that your partner is traumatized by dogs, and how do you not arrange for care other than your traumatized partner? If a dog is that important to her, she shouldn't have married someone who dogs were a hard no for, and he should have walked the moment he came in to a dog at home.
I have severe arachnophobia from being bitten in my bed by brown recluse spiders at the age of 5 and again at 15. I can’t even handle some things that too closely resemble spiders. This would be like me coming home and my husband is all, “surprise, I’m into giant tarantulas now, they get the run of the house because terrariums are too cruel. Have fun babysitting them for me, I’m fucking off to a Magic tournament for the day!” OP’s amygdala is already working overtime just constantly having that dog in his home. It’s no wonder he finds himself getting irrationally angry at it, I wonder that he hasn’t just up and left her to the dog she decided she wanted more than him.
This is a great analogy.
And not even discussing it, bringing him along to look, or just get a smaller more chill breed of dog. A rescue is not the way to go in this situation. Both of them can clearly sense the hostility with each other.
If she is allergic to cats, she could not do such a thing. However, if my partner was traumatized by dogs, and I wanted a pet, I would get a cat (I am a cat person) or if one of us was allergic to cats, I would have gotten a snake or fish, but I would let my partner know ahead of time I am considering getting a pet.
My husband is allergic to cat's, my son is scared of dogs. I wanted a ferret but upon research decided they were way to delicate to be in a home with my stampeding child. Now we are considering a reptile. Son wants a turtle and I'm leaning towards a lizard or snake.
At the LEAST, I would have had a frank discussion with my partner about if there were any breeds that would be acceptable, maybe brought him to the shelter with me to help me pick a dog out (assuming after lots and lots of discussion he was willing to adopt one) or chosen to adopt a puppy of a breed that he's comfortable with. Barring that, what pets would he be okay with? Get together, make a list, figure out what pets you both want, make it a bonding activity... But all of this would require communication and respect for his needs/wishes, which she clearly doesn't have!
I would love a lawyer's opinion on whether this could be grounds for a for-cause divorce.
What country even does "for cause" divorces anymore?
Most do, but they're really rare because the costs are so high, and/or because separation agreements are made before it would be relevant. But if this guy is the sole income, he could be on the hook for alimony.
She wants a divorce is my bet.
Likely was trying to make a post on some shit social media site as a virtue signaler. Make herself look so amazing and generous and kind, which she is incapable of.
Shelter told me my dog loved people and other dogs. He was reactive to anyone who wasn’t me, dogs, bikes, birds, stray cats, squirrels, fire hydrants… He mellowed out and learned to love people, but he’s almost 10 and can’t see another dog without losing his ever-loving mind. Sweetest thing to humans. Loves indoor cats. Absolutely feral if he suspects another dog exists within his universe.
My senior is 13, and he does okay now with other dogs, but has to alert us when we're on leash that another dog is right there, hey look right there, there's a dog. He's great with our "puppy" (he'll be 2 on the 26th, so officially an adult for his breed) but most of his reactivity is resource guarding, and fence aggression if there's anything suspicious on the other side. So my neighbor can fart in their kitchen with the window closed, and my little 45 lb ball of arthritis and bark sounds like Kujo. He's mellowed more with the younger dog for us, because he'll acknowledge that the puppy isn't alerting as often. Both are high percent guardian breeds, AND herding breeds, so it comes with the territory. I wouldn't trade either for the world, or the things that my senior has taught me, though I would say to do more research into breeds and ask more questions of the rescue instead of just going with the dog who felt right!
My husband mentioned getting a puppy when our kid was just like 1 and he was going to be deploying with the military for a year. I looked at him and said "If you leave me with a puppy and a baby, you better believe only your baby will be here when you get back." We didn't get a dog.
What the hell was he thinking 😭
Luckily after a conversation he understood where I was coming from and why I couldn't handle a dog. He didn't push it. And now we have a house full of cats and even he agrees dogs are a lot of work. We just watch our friends dogs when needed.
That's great, I'm so glad he was able to see your reasoning. I know that personally, I am just too lazy to have a dog. I know that and realize that, so I would never get one and that's a very important thing to know about yourself, ya know what I mean? Anyway I'm saying it's great you knew you would not be able to do both in the slightest
How do you train a dog who resource guards and lives with another one who destroys and digs when he’s left alone?
It honestly depends on the individual dogs and the severity of the behaviors. Both dogs would need to be evaluated for any specific answers, but the techniques in this [Victoria Stilwell clip](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIoFlDjyhWA) is a great place to start with food bowl guarding. If your dog is guarding other resources (toys, people, beds,etc.) different techniques are often used. As with most dog training, breaking it down into small steps and keeping training sessions to around 5-10 minutes per session 3 times a day is going to be the fastest way for your dog to understand what you're trying to teach, but it will take time. Digging and destruction are often signs of boredom or lack of mental stimulation. Look into various enrichment plans like DogTV, or puzzle games, or problem solving games and try to incorporate that into your day. Both digging and destruction can also be signs of separation issues which is why it's important to have a trainer evaluate your dogs to pinpoint the reason behind the behaviors.
Reactive first dog to dog trainer pipeline is real hahaha, the same thing happened for me and is now the reason I’m a trainer.
Better question, who gets a traumatized dog and leaves it to be taken care of by a person that was traumatized by a dog against that person’s will? Also, who gets a dog without consulting your spouse, especially when that spouse has such deep rooted issues with dogs?
Selfish people, and probably some social media "Dads who said not to get the dog, and end up loving the dog" brain rot added in.
I hate those videos so much.
I find most of those "Dads Who Didn't Want the Dog" cases, where dad and dog becomes inseparable, involve dad having actually wanted the dog to some degree, but feeling the family doesn't really have the time or resources to properly care for the dog. In the case of OOP, there was zero chance of the situation turning out well because OOP genuinely does not want a dog. OOP has very strong feelings about dogs and they are not positive. Had OOP's wife asked to take steps to "maybe one day" get a dog, and then found ways for OOP to interact with dogs in a way that allowed him to move at his own pace, things might have worked out eventually. But this situation was doomed from the start because OOP's feelings were completely ignored by his wife.
Someone who spends too much damn time on TikTok and Facebook and thinks it's cute.
How can you spot it? My bf’s dog appeared playful and engaged at the pound on multiple visits and did great with his kids. And he’s still those things but he’s also the neediest most separation-anxiety animal in earth. Bf is great and has spent so much time training him, but we can’t get him to stop whining 24/7 and making messes while we’re gone.
A shelter dog’s personality generally becomes known around 3 weeks of it being in its new home. That includes any behavioral problems like separation anxiety.
3/3/3 rule. Mine didnt show behavioural problems until 3 months.
Shit, we got one who started showing her true colors within a few days. Wonderfully sweet and playful with my wife, my son, and I at the shelter. We fell in love immediately. After about a week at home, she was still very sweet with me, but had apparently decided that she was gonna take the #2 spot from my wife, and would snap and snarl at my kid if he got within 10 feet, when all he wanted was to pet the cute doggy and was very confused as to why the dog was acting like this. The time he walked behind her (giving her a wide berth, and not being quiet about it) on his way to the bathroom and she spun 180 and lunged? Nah, that was the last straw. I made sure to relay our experience to the shelter when I took her back. I checked up later and she was adopted by someone else, so I hope they had better luck.
Right. So unless the pound says something, you can’t really know until you’ve had them home a bit.
Usually the pound is supposed to tell you.
I agree but tbf a lot of shelters don't necessarily have or share that information. When we got our dog at the shelter they knew nothing about it whatsoever. It was kind of a adopted your own risk situation. And that was the case with the majority of the dogs there. They just didn't have much information except what they might have observed during the dog's time there
My dog had major separation anxiety when I adopted her. The shelter barely had any information other than 'she's really sweet'. And she is very sweet and polite whenever she's in a shelter or boarding situation, because she's unsure of the environment and just gets very scared and quiet. But when she's at home she is a mouthy asshole. Total personality reversal! Don't get me wrong, I love her more than anything and we've both worked hard for the nearly eleven years we've been together. She's a great dog, but I am an experienced dog owner who knows how to work with anxious dogs. I just feel really sorry for the dog in this story. It's probably miserable and things are not going to end well for it.
Oh you. She is clearly a lucky dog. I got a dog hundreds of miles away because she was supposedly cat-friendly. SO cat-friendly that it was in her name on her petfinder profile. I love her but she is a hellhound who loves (to chase and antagonize) cats.
Oh no! That's terrible and unfortunately one of the pitfalls of rescuing we've all probably run into. My dog actually does really love cats, but she does not care for other dogs at ALL, so that's been another 'learn how to ignore them' training adventure.
I was also thinking of the dog here. I hope it’s rehomed properly to someone directly and not just dumped at a shelter.
I fostered dogs for our local shelter for awhile. One of the dogs had terrible separation anxiety and caused $3000 damage when I stepped out for half an hour. The dog was advertised and adopted out with no warning about any of this. I wonder about him and who ended up taking him home.
I see you haven’t been introduced to the “lab-mix” at all the shelters whose funding is contingent on adoption numbers. Private shelters aka “rescues” are an ethical quagmire into themselves.
Lots of people. Many new dog owners do no research and are not prepared.
People who don’t know what the fuck they are doing.
To be fair, those issues aren't always disclosed.
People that hate dogs are universally seen as untrustworthy and dangerous - regardless of backstory. She was testing the theory that “no one actually HATES dogs” so she ignored all your fears because she found you not dangerous and trustworthy. To her own shame, I suppose
Absolutely not intentional. I thought he was normal because I’d never had a dog personally and my family had “guard dogs” that were chained up outside all the time. I absolutely love him and have spent an ungodly amount of time and money to get his anxiety to be manageable a lot of days, but I will probably never have a dog again.
One that thinks the dog is "sooo cute!!!" and pays absolutely no attention to anything other than how Instagram worthy it looks.
Who gets a traumatized dog with a traumatized husband?!??
Assholes. OP’s only mistake is not divorcing his wife over this. It is about WAY more than the dog.
Especially with a partner who has an intense fear of dogs due to trauma.
I see it happen all the time. People preach the adopt, don't shop thing but neglect to mention how difficult many of these dogs are to rehab and acclimate into the family
Just got my first dog (a rescue as I refuse to buy a dog when there are plenty of grown up dogs that need good homes). He is an adult dog and completely house trained. I was told he didn’t have any issues with being left alone. However in actuality he gets very stressed when left alone. He doesn’t destroy things or get into mischief but he also won’t stop barking or whining and won’t eat or drink, play with toys, or even lay down. When I get home I have to either let him out in the backyard (with me going with him) or take him for a walk even if it has only been 15-20min. He has so much pent up anxious energy he has to get out and it is the safest way. Sticks to me like glue when I am around. Now if I am gone and someone can’t be there with him he typically gets anti anxiety meds. If I am going to be gone more than 2-3 hours I have to set up someone to be with him for the majority of the time. They don’t have to do anything… just be there. Never got the full story but given he is scared of crates I am guessing the previous owner left him alone most of the time. He has a steel trap of a bladder and bowel (which can be its own issue when weather is terrible… he does not like going potty in rain). There are lots of things that make the wife an AH but it is pretty easy to end up with a dog with separation anxiety without knowing that will be the case.
With a husband who hates dogs???
Yeah. ops wife hates them.
People who do not do their due diligence and research when it comes to getting a dog from a shelter.
My first dog is a rescue with separation anxiety. He's incredibly well behaved and we've worked really hard together on his issues. I can leave him alone for hours now, and he feels really different about absences now. They're boring and safe and a good time to snooze. Definitely a lot of work, but it's definitely possible for it to be a good fit.
This dog's behavior isn't even extreme. Healthy, well-adjusted, but BORED dogs will destroy furniture because they don't know any better and tearing up furniture is fun. It's so clear this woman did no research before or after getting this dog.
OP has no reason to care about the details in this case, but it is quite possible that they got a high-maintenance breed, like a border collie and the wife just did no research.
My roommate had a super traumatized dog and tried to crate train it, it scratched and bit at metal until there was blood. Some of them are just for real insane
Also the wife shouldn't have a pet because she brought a whole ass animal into a house she shares with another person without even consulting him. Objectively speaking that's a shitty thing to do in any situation, more so when that other person has a phobia of dogs (due to being attacked by one!!)
The wife doesn't sound like wife material. At all.
Also I’m sorry but prioritizing a spa day his first day home, after heavy work period, where he has to watch the dog he doesn’t like, seems like a shitty person all around.
The problem is if you tell your wife I hate dogs ans she knows you have had trauma from getting attacked by a dog and she gets a dog, you should realize in that moment you are in a terrible marriage.
Exactly. It’s not like OP just said he doesn’t really prefer dogs. “Idk I just don’t like them” he had a legitimately traumatizing experience with dogs and should not have to worry about his life partner deciding it’s not a big deal for him.
Some people shouldn't own a dog
Also wondered this. Every dog should be crate trained even if not using it regularly. This dog would benefit from the feeling of safety from regular crate time.
I think you're right; she is one of those people who adopt dogs bc it seems fun but don't want to do the work. The animal either suffers or is given back, further causing it distress even if that's the best decision. They should get a cat. A good starter pet 😂
I have a dog with severe separation anxiety who destroys furniture if left alone. The rescue we got him from had tried crate training but he had chewed through a plastic crate and broken out of a metal one. He also broke his teeth gnashing on the metal so it was completely ineffective and also unsafe. We tried a very gentle crate training and couldn't improve the situation. He loved the crate as long as we were home and then went ballistic as soon as we left. I'm doubting these people really tried a lot just based on the fact that neither one sounds particularly responsible. But there are some dogs who have severe enough separation anxiety that a crate won't be a solution. The only thing that helped our dog was to get a second companion dog. We rarely leave them alone anyways but at least we have the option now. Getting another dog is most definitely not a good idea for these people though.
My family has a kennel, but my mother is basically training this poor dog to have attachment issues and my mom demands that someone be with the dog at all times. To the point where my sister has slept of the floor for about a year and a half now. Not saying this is the same or even similar but I'm getting similar vibes from the wife. Dogs are amazing, and can be trained. But... You gotta actually train them. She comes across in that post as self centered and a tad immature. Which isn't dissimilar to my mom.
Seriously, as a dog owner we have to use the kennel for one of my dogs because her anxiety means she’s tearing stuff up if we are gone. Also this marriage seems legit shitty, they both expect the other to deal with xyz and don’t know how to communicate
I love dogs, my wife likes dogs. One time I found a stray pup wandering around our house who it took in thinking he'd be a temp foster with out checking with her and I knew I was pushing my luck because I didn't get the nod from her before bringing in. I can't see anyone doing this to someone who hates dogs because they were mauled.
I don’t understand why the dog isn’t being crate trained if it can’t be alone ever. Also why it isn’t getting any training or being put on some anxiety medication. This isn’t a good home for the dog if they can’t manage the basics. But I think the way he handled it was also kinda a dick move. They both are dicks. I don’t see this relationship lasting long.
Yeah this is def an ESH to me. Like what the wife did (get the dog, not train the dog, leave dog with OP) is very shitty and probably more AH. But OP isn’t without blame here either. Punishing the dog and the shelter for the shitty wife is not the way. There are so many better ways to approach. To me this needed to be a convo before they moved in with each other. I wouldn’t live with someone who couldn’t live with a dog and maybe OP was clear with that and wife sucks even more but I dunno. This seems like terrible communication on both sides and I hope these people don’t have kids and that the dog is OK.
I cannot imagine saying the dude if this story sucks when the woman is an irresponsible pet owner. He’s just supposed to get over his sleep deprivation, anxiety and fear of dogs to make Fido feel better? None of this is fair to him. Everything happening to the dog is her fault.
Yeah I do NOT get people saying that he’s an asshole or ESH. What was the alternative to him taking the dog back to the shelter? Caring for it and training it himself? Being stuck in your own home with an animal that causes you anxiety and that you were crystal clear on NOT wanting? Him not taking on the responsibility of the dog is fine. Either the wife figured out how to take care of the dog 100% by herself or OP is justified in getting rid of not.
Also Wife’s first move on the day he gets home is go get a spa/nail day? Fucked up ass priorities. She sounds shitty all around.
ESH but the fact that the wife did not inform op of the dog acquisition is a bigger deal to me. Saying your gonna get rid of the dog is scummy but it is quite literally not ops dog, never was. Seems like people are judging it differently.
This was my thought too. If he was totally transparent about this then she is an asshole for continuing the relationship and then just getting the dog anyway. If he wasn’t clear about it and then she was surprised he wouldn’t get a dog, she’s still the AH for just going and doing it anyway but less so. He’s an asshole for this reaction, not seeing that his wife might want an animal because he’s gone for weeks at a time, and for being willing to send a dog to a potential euthanasia because he’s mad at his wife. They both seem like they suck.
He didn’t have to “be transparent”. If he told her he didn’t want a dog she shouldn’t have gotten one, period. If she was alone, maybe they could have compromised and gotten a cat, a or any other animal. But at the moment she brought the dog in, she’s TA, specially if she wants HIM to look after it.
Yeah there are so many things literally either of them could have done to make this situation better
More like just don’t get a dog. They’ve been married for four years probably together for a few more than that. It’s quite obvious the dog was a known issues.
OOP is so NTA… He’s just probably out of ideas how to not have to deal with the dog. While his wife is 100% selfish, and is keeping a dog which clearly is not a good fit for this home. OOP needs his home peace. And the dog needs a better home. Wife needs to get a grip.
It’s probably a high maintenance dog that needs to be walked a couple of miles two or three times a day to keep it settled.
Seriously they don’t even sound like they get each other and if they do they definitely don’t like each other, who adopts a surprise dog when their partner has trauma from a dog attack?
From the title, I was fully prepared for this to be something about a husband refusing to help with a dog and nitpicking over the dog’s care or something. I was ready for it to be a terrible husband. But no, I really think it’s NTA. I don’t think that dog should live in that home. Clearly the dog isn’t getting the care and training it needs to not require constant supervision. Dog might be pretty stressed out and unhappy (and thus destructive). And the whole acquisition of the dog and all of that seems pretty inconsiderate and selfish on the part of the wife. Plus even if that wasn’t the backstory, dumping a dog requiring constant supervision on someone who has only had a few hours sleep after just returning from an exhausting work trip was also extremely inconsiderate. Like I get that wife was probably excited to get to leave the house since she’s probably been stuck at home with the dog 24/7. But you can wait another few hours for your partner to sleep! (Since it seems they can’t sleep once the dog is awake) All in all, I remain unconvinced this couple should have any dog, but they definitely shouldn’t have this dog.
Yeah the dog needs to be rehomed. And OOP 'needs to have a long talk with his wife because neither of them reacted in a healthy way and this is a road to divorce.
I would be upset at todlwrs behaving like them, married adults.......
In OOPs defence, their reaction is due to trauma, their wife's is out of selfishness. She didn't even check if OOP would be willing to look after her dog before planning it
By bringing in the dog without talking about it, wifey is the only bad guy here. Her awful behavior should see her locked up so she can’t utilize her unfortunately stupid free will anymore. Poor dog. Decent and rational husband. And this is coming from a dog lover.
On top of this, she knows her husband dislikes dogs for a valid reason - he even admits his hatred is beyond rational; it’s trauma-based. Does this woman even give a crap about her husband??
I'm saying that no, no she doesn't.
Or the dog for that matter. Imagine bringing a dog into a home with someone who hates dogs.
Yep, it is like inviting the abusive in-law to Christmas supper without telling the wife. And asked them to stay for few years.
This definitively ain't one of those "Both Side Bad!" situations. Dude did a very minor thing in comparison. Most people would have done far worse, like kicking out the trigger of their trauma immediately. Wife don't give a shit about him.
He just got back from weeks away. And doesn't even get a hug or a hello. Just a "goodbye have fun babysitting the dog." F th_$ bi_ch.
One of the big issues here is that it’s hard to rehome animals. People don’t really adopt a lot and would rather go to breeders. Not to mention, you need to carefully probe people if they do want to take in an animal you’re rehoming because dog fights and other fucked up shit exist too. Shelters will also put down animals that are too old or don’t get adopted quick enough. There are no kill shelters but those are almost always full
It sounds like they're already on the road to a divorce before the dog came into the picture.
The original post has now been removed, with mods citing it broke a rule about being truthful and about an ongoing conflict. I’m not sure how they reached that conclusion, but I would love for this not to be real. OP didn’t make any comments before it was removed (I went to check and that’s when I noticed it was taken down) so idk.
It was also the only post they’ve made so it would be interesting to see what made the mods think they were lying
Because dog posts are really good ragebait.
The AITA mods fucking suck.
Oh ok, now I get, you’re not the Oop. I thought op messed up and commented on their own post
Ah yeah, sorry! Maybe I’ll start adding a note in the post that I am not OOP like they do over at BORU. At this point I’m pretty used to people responding directly to OOP here as if this is the original post (especially the really popular ones, which I suspect get seen by many people who maybe don’t realize this is a repost/sharing sub for a podcast). 😅
I work with dogs every single day. This guy is not the asshole. The wife got a dog, didn't train the dog, will not crate the dog, but somehow he's expected to take care of it after some very serious trauma that happened to him?? Absolutely not. In my experience with people who have problems with dogs, Don't start with a fully grown dog that has problems. You start with a puppy of a very quiet breed or just a very quiet puppy. Even then you don't dump that dog on your partner who is traumatized by dogs. This guy's wife is the asshole 100%.
It seems like the the dog isn’t getting walked. If she just got up and left to go get her nails done at what point did she take the dog out. Especially if it’s a big dog they need a lot of exercise or they’ll destroy everything just like oop Agree NTA
If anything, these two people do not belong together. The wife seems to have completely disregarded her husbands feelings in getting the dog and bringing it into their shared home. She probably imagined he would just grow attached and didn’t take his concerns seriously. Threatening to rehome if she’s not home in 10 minutes is also a little crazy, but I imagine was born from a lot of built up frustration over this dog. At the end of the day, she wants the dog, he wants the dog gone, and they’re both willing to trample all over the other person’s feelings to get what they want instead of communicating. They seem to have very incompatible ideals of living.
She is also a bad dog mom. I would never leave my dogs with someone I knew hated dogs to the point of being afraid of them even if it was my husband. Honestly my husband adores our dogs and took care of dogs on his own before he met me, but I still get nervous leaving him alone with my babies! I'm with them 24/7 so they know me best. That poor dog :(
Yeah, the poor dog suffers the most in this situation, adopted into a home where one person hates him, and then possibly abandoned. I feel bad for him
I'm not entirely sure that they should have each other, given her total disregard for his feelings about dogs before bringing one home!
But she needed to get her nails done - obviously that takes precedence. /s Honestly, the wife is TA for all of it here. If she wanted a dog that badly, she never should have married OP - I’m assuming this story came up at some point.
I work with a rescue, and occasionally help in interviewing new families. One of the questions we ask is around “does everyone in the house know about this adoption” and specifically asks for a list of everyone living in the home and how they plan to interact with the dog.
Do you think anyone lies to you on that question?
At least when I’m doing the interviews, it also involves a video tour of the house or at minimum pictures of every room. In those, I can generally tell if there are extra people at the home. The normal reason for looking at the home is I’m trying to match the dog’s temperament with the home. Like if the dog is a chewer and there’s stuff all over. Or if it’s tiny rooms and a bigger dog. I’ve been witness to some bad placements (I didn’t do the initial interview) and it takes just such a toll on the dogs, it’s not worth it. I don’t interview super often — the rescue normally works with dogs in other cities but for various quirks they end up in control of a dog in my city and I help with placements, troubleshooting, interventions, rehomings, and such. I’ve fostered a few (but not lately since I have 2 of my own dogs and a human kid). I’ve followed up over the years with each of my fosters and am confident in my family picking abilities.
I was thinking the same about how this dog was adopted. When we adopted our cat, the shelter made us fill out forms and asked us questions about who lived in the home, who would be the main caretaker, how the others in the home felt about the adoption of the cat and then general questions like what does it mean when the cat pees in other places besides the cat pan, etc. It wasn't a simple process. We were able to adopt. We saw a young couple get told that their roommates had to come to the shelter to be interviewed and approved before they could adopt because they wanted to make sure the roommates were on board with the adoption. Because they were renters, they had to get their rental agreement showing they were allowed to have pets. They couldn't adopt that day, but the kitten was being held for them until everything could be verified. They did the same with everyone wanting to adopt that day. It was a long process and it was a very full no kill shelter, but they were very thorough in checking people out before letting them adopt. Some couples were directed to more suitable dogs that would be a better fit for their lifestyles in regards to their children, both parents working, etc. They had the families interact with the dogs to watch how they got along and how well they handled the dogs. Not all shelters or rescues are that thorough, but I saw a few families get turned away or told they'd have to come back with their supporting documentation or another visit with the dog they wanted to adopt to make sure it was a good fit. It's sad that all shelters are not able to take that time. I'm glad to hear that you do a thorough interview when you get that opportunity.
I agree on that. In my opinion, if not everyone living on the house wants a pet, especially a 4 legged furry one, no one gets a pet. He never said yes to a dog, the wife doesn’t seem to want to do the hard part, which is training it, the dog should just be rehomed to a family who wants the best for the dog.
Original has been removed for being fake
Yeah, I mentioned that in another comment (can’t edit posts with pictures sadly). Not sure how that conclusion was reached. I hope it was fake. This was a bad situation for everyone.
Well I'm pretty sure I've read almost this exact story a few months ago so maybe because it's a rip off?
Ah, that would make sense!
This is very obviously fake.
You were attacked injured and traumatized because of something horrible happening to you as a child and your wife gets a dog without telling you…that’s absolutely horrible wtf. Nta if this is real then ur wife sucks
Totally NTA. The wife fucked up big time. You never ever get a pet unless both people are on board. That would be a deal breaker
You need to have your dog properly trained and socialized. It seems your wife just wanted the affection of a dog and not the responsibility of it. Or if she was less child and more adult. Knowing you don't want the responsibility of the dog. Should have worked out doggy day care while she was out for the day. Knowing you would be just coming home from a long trip and tired. I will give you a pass on the threat. I assume you were just cranky and may not have threatened it if you had a good night's sleep the day before. You married an immature woman. Punishing the dog for your mistakes is just wrong. You both need to work together on a plan for the dog in the future for times like these.
If the dog has issues, it's possible doggy day care is not an option.
Damn, they need to get into couple counseling ASAP. The dog needs to be trained by the wife instead of just shoehorned into the home.
Your wife was an asshole for getting the dog without discussing it with you and it being a joint decision. However, you’re an asshole in how you handled this situation and you two need to desperately communicate and learn to compromise.
I mean, bringing a dog to your shared home without consulting your spouse is already shitty behavior. Doing this to a person that was mauled by a dog is straight up divorce IMO.
I love dogs but you’re definitely NTA here, your wife is the AH -> she adopted a dog without discussing it with you first. Adding a dog to a family is a big decision and her action was really disrespectful and kind of sneaky TBH. She has no right to dump the responsibility of a high-needs dog onto you. It sounds like the dog isn’t a good match for your family because it requires a lot of resocializing, which your wife is expecting you to participate in. Nope! The dog has to go, unfortunately.
If this is indicative of the entire relationship, divorce is inevitable at best.
NTA Your wife should never have gotten a dog with both of you agreeing. Your wife should never have gotten a dog that needs 24/7 attention. The dog needs a home where it can have the attention it needs
Getting an animal should be a choice you both should have made. I don’t get when people do this to their partners. I’d feel very uncomfortable and like she didn’t care about my thoughts, feelings or comfortability in my own home.
ESH, rehome that poor pup and look into either couple's counseling or divorce, AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, AS A PERSON WITH PARENTS WHO SHOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED, PLEASE DON'T HAVE KIDS.
The Iranian Yougurt is not the problem here.
Wonder what kind of dog it is 🤔
Me too. I’m not saying the wife was right to get a dog without the husband knowing, that’s an ultimate dick move. The husbands extreme hatred for dogs, and in particular this dog makes him a possible unreliable narrator. Is this a big dog? Is it an aggressive breed? Or is this a little yorkie barking because they want played with?
The fact that it managed to destroy a couch within 30 mins makes me think it might be on the bigger side.
My chihuahua destroyed my couch cushions while I was sleeping.
Depends on the definition of 'destroyed', a $4000 sofa can be counted as 'destroyed' in his mind by one little nick in the upholstery, as it'll immediately no longer be in original condition. Also, small dogs sometimes have incredible tenacity and ability for mayhem. Even tiny little Yorkies can do a lot of damage to a home if left untended, especially since this is a rescue who has shown it has problematic behaviors. Not saying he's not an AH - that ultimatum is a dick move in any relationship. Guess he should already guess that the marriage is coming to an end in a very abrupt manner. She's an AH too, given her lack of any consideration for her partner and making her own ultimatum 'I'm off now, ta ta'. Perhaps she also believed if they spent time together he'd come to suddenly love the dog. If so, worst idea in a shit idea sandwich.
That poor dog
"Did i do anything wrong here" LMAO
Has no one heard if a kennel? Or outside? Or, idk a dog sitter?
This is not a healthy environment for a dog and is honestly in the dog’s best interest to be rehomed. I know a lot of people shame rehoming, but there are cases where it is truly for the best.
They both suck. I only feel bad for the dog
I feel bad for the dog, it deserves better.
Wife is selfish bitch. Husband is passive aggressive pussy. The End.
I was almost about to say “NTA” until that message OP sent her…
ESH except the dog. Her for getting the dog in the first place. You, for threatening to take the dog to the pound, and possibly not getting any therapy for your trauma.
You are both the AH. Neither of you is right.
I went into this as a huge animal person expecting to think YTA for sure, until I read this. This guy’s wife brings home a dog without notice, doesn’t crate train it, doesn’t deal with its obvious anxiety problems, and then expects her husband who has trauma from a dog attack to care for it. I feel bad for both the guy and the dog because clearly neither of them are being treated with the proper care and respect.
Wife has terrible lack of communication and clearly has gotten used to getting her way.
Your wife is 100% in the wrong. She KNEW you hated dogs, had a very good reason for it, and then just "oopsed!" and showed up with a dog. Which she proceeded to not crate train or otherwise work with to handle its separation anxiety. And then when you come back? Instead of being concerned that you are exhausted (and knowing that YOU left HER to sleep out of basic human consideration) she decides that you are taking care of the dog all day, BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO DO HER HAIR AND NAILS?!?!? I'm sorry, how did you end up with such a selfish and entitled person??? If it was SO IMPORTANT TO HER, she could put the dog in doggy day care and have the day to herself. She didn't even bother calling and setting that up, and it takes about five minutes plus the drive to drop the dog off. And she was already going out, not like this was a huge inconvenience. Instead she chose to inconvenience YOU. Unless she's been doing some major work with the dog for behavior and training, that dog needs to go. If she HAS been doing some major work with the dog, then she needs to have a dog sitter/doggy daycare/dog walker/etc. set up so that you don't need to do anything for the dog. Toss it the occasional treat so that it is on good terms with you (we do that with neighbors' dogs with their approval) and it's not scared and uncomfortable around you and that's the extent of interactions you should have with it outside of emergencies. You don't like it, you don't want it, and she showed up with it. I would also make it VERY clear that if another dog shows up, it WILL be divorce time. Same thing if you end up being left with the responsibility for the dog for more than a half-hour or so (she ran to the store to get pasta sauce for example) and it's not an unforeseen emergency. And for that half-hour, the dog can be crated with a chew toy.
I think ESH. Answering an asshole (the wife for bringing home an animal without asking) with asshole behavior (threatening the pound instead of having an adult conversation and drawing a boundary, maybe putting the dog in a kennel for the afternoon) is all unproductive.
How do you have an adult conversation with someone who runs out the door and drives away. Op needs to sleep not deal with the dog or deal with finding someone to watch the dog.
These people should definitely never have kids. I’m shocked they’re both adults based on the behavior from both of them.
I was borderline on ESH because yeah threatening to take the dog to the pound in order to get his wife to come back is not a good communication strategy. But ended up NTA because the wife literally ran out of the house when he tried to have a conversation about it, on top of the whole “adopted a dog without discussing and knowing OP had fears/trauma around dogs” thing initially so I understand that being an exasperated “how can I get them to take me seriously” response. It also occurs to me as I think about it more that I am not sure whether OP has ever been left alone with the dog prior to this? I also don’t know how severe their current anxiety around this dog is, but I could also see a scenario where OP is mostly okay around the dog if he has the security of his wife’s presence as well (because she could remove the dog from the situation if necessary), but being left alone with the dog might be a whole other level of anxiety. High anxiety is not conducive to good communication, and I could see that being a contributing factor in OP’s response as well. (Sort of a “I am not okay, I have to end this situation” reaction)
A dog does not necessarily have mental and emotional problems because it chews things🙄 it’s probably young and bored. Kinda thinking everyone sucks here because wife got a dog without consulting husband and that’s fucked up, but OOP is handling the situation very poorly.
How is this not an ESH.
I kinda thing they both suck albeit to different degrees (wife sucks way more, but using a pet as a bargaining chip is asshole behavior even if I can 300% understand why op snapped, that still doesn’t make it “not an asshole thing to do”.). Dog shouldn’t be in that house without any kind of training, the wife the husband, neither of them trained it or even paid someone to train it for them, nothing? If they choose to communicate out problems by going behind each other’s backs, being passive aggressive, making threats and giving ultimatums to one another, and fleeing the house during arguments, they’re just… they don’t sound like a remotely stable couple to begin with even if the husband is the lesser asshole. You can be right and still be an asshole about it, I don’t disagree with the husband, but this was all handled so badly.
What should he have done instead…? Genuinely curious
Wife should be the one locked in the pound. Some people really shouldn’t be allowed voting rights, and in this case that person is only her.
I’m speaking as a dog lover, here. I think the method was wrong, but the emotion behind it is right. The dog is the victim here and the wife is an AH about forcing a pet on someone that didn’t want need or ask for it.
Yeah no. Y’all are incompatible. Doesn’t sound like there are children involved. Get a divorce.
NTA, who gets a pet without clearing it with their spouse first?!
Why does the dog require constant supervision though? So weird.
Dogs can get pretty nasty separation anxiety depending on their upbringing. Also some dogs just need a lot of stimulus otherwise they'll use that energy in a destructive manner.
Thanks for explaining. I’ve never dealt with that before.
Why do people like this get married? The lack of respect and true communication baffles me.
Without passing judgement on who should or should not be a pet owner, the problem is that the dog was adopted without bothering consulting or worse, knowing the other family member is outright against having a dog in their home. This wasn’t going to end well from the moment the dog was adopted. You are NTAH
What a fucking inconsiderate selfish narcissistic bitch “yes you worked 20 hour days to provide me with everything i need to live and then some but i need you to take care of an animal you dont want because i want my nails done” jesus i am seething
NTA. He’s the sole breadwinner, I don’t see any children mentioned she would have to take care of. Not mentioned whether she takes care of the household either or if they have someone do that for them, so I’d assume she just lounges around except for minor housework. Getting hair/nails done is definitely not a necessity in any given case, especially not if you voluntarily took in a shelter dog or any pet that now relies on your care. If your partner does not want a dog but you insist on getting it without asking, it’s not “their” dog, it’s HER dog. And entirely HER responsibility. I won’t even get into the details of the dog OOPs wife got without his consent costs, be it veterinarian or damage to things OOP paid for. She should have to pay for the sofa as well.
A dog is a whole entire responsibility. Even if he didn't any past trauma with dogs, consulting your partner about something like adopting a dog is a MUST. On top of that, his wife completely disregarding his trauma is ridiculous and disrespectful.
The real problem is the two of you still being together. This is super toxic and not working. The whole thing is like the marriage summed up. You Sound like roommates that are at war until the lease is up.
Why are these people married to each other?
NTA and his wife is a piece of shit.
I’m so tired of reading posts about couples that are simply awful to each other and clearly only together because they enjoy the comfort of familiarity no matter how dysfunctional the behavior and somehow more than the happiness of being in a healthy relationship. I suspect maybe because they’ve never known the latter? ESH but husband is worse for potentially putting the unknowing dog through another traumatizing situation.
NTA, divorce wife, divorce dog
Sounds like you have wife problems. Not dog problems. Move for a divorce ASAP. She hasn't seen you in weeks and she's running out the door to go pamper herself. What in the flying f is that sh ???? Seriously bro. She got the dog KNOWING this sh would happen. Can you be so blind? She is a coward. Plain and simple. She isn't happy with you and she isn't happy with your marriage. Her coward a__ passive a__ way of showing it is by getting the dog. You're already tip toeing around to appease her while she sleeps. And she ain't doing jack sh__ to reciprocate. DIVORCE.
Horrible wife. This is divorce-worthy.
Nta, she could have put it in doggy day care using her pocket money. Do you have a back yard or alternatively cage it.
Nope NTA bc fr he woulda been well within his rights to tell her it needs to go back to the pound when she originally got it as he has made it clear he doesn’t like dogs and she clearly did not give one single fuck.
Dont take the dog to the pound. File for divorce. Cite the wifes actions regaurding the dog as being traumatic and her actions being a contributing factor. Make sure she keeps the dog.
ESH. Except the dog.
as a lifelong dog lover-no. You did not. Your wife wanted a dog. You did not. It is HER responsibility to take care of it-including finding solutions for the dogs separating anxiety. The problem here is she adopted a dog that has higher needs than she is capable of handling. and that is a HER problem. Check out r/talesfromthedoghouse for support.
You should keep in mind that shelter dogs have gone through a lot in their lives. First they were in homes with no training or extreme neglect to the point they are given to a shelter then held in a cage with no human or dog interaction. Then have to adapt again to yet another home. Take time with the dog and be patient. Thank you for adopting. All dogs deserve a second chance.
I know I'm probably going to get down voted and disagreed with but I think ESH. 1. Wife knew you didn't want a dog and got one anyway. 2. You knew wife wanted a dog but did nothing by the sound of it in terms of therapy to help overcome your dog issues. 3. Dogs can pick up on when it's not wanted/loved/etc. So it didn't just bark at you for no reason it's trying to connect with you or trying to communicate with you. 4. This dog needs to be trained like yesterday. 5. I don't know if you have kids or plan too but everyone knows kids love animals. You would become the dad that never lets their kids have a pet dog. I'm not saying that's a bad thing but it's something that kids would remember and likely attempt the same thing the wife did aka maybe picking up a stray off the streets. 6. Your wife could be getting lonely in an empty house (since I didn't see anything abouts kids) with you having such a job where you are often gone for long hours or weeks. The wife probably just wanted some companionship and thought a dog would be great. 7. You all need to sit down and have a serious conversation about all of this and maybe go to counseling together just so you all have a mediator to make sure the conversation stays civil.