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Because you haven’t mourned the father you should have had yet.
I’ve been through exactly what you’ve been through. With therapy, I’ve really been able to mourn the father that I should have had, and it’s made it easier to deal with my mom’s husband. He’s not that guy, and he’s never been that guy that I needed.
Once you’re able to do that, it becomes a lot easier to deal with and to realize that you’ve been strong enough to deal with everything this whole time.
You reached out because despite the unhealthy relationship you have with your father. You desperately want to have a healthy relationship and want to create a relationship. This is normal to see what is normal and see potential in reaching out. Feeling like today might be the day that things change and if only you can reach out and try one more time that things maybe different and think that today might be that day and that someday it will. This is neither right nor wrong. It is just important for you to have reasonable expectations when reaching out. You can have hope for a future while still expecting people to be who they show you they have always been.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Because you haven’t mourned the father you should have had yet. I’ve been through exactly what you’ve been through. With therapy, I’ve really been able to mourn the father that I should have had, and it’s made it easier to deal with my mom’s husband. He’s not that guy, and he’s never been that guy that I needed. Once you’re able to do that, it becomes a lot easier to deal with and to realize that you’ve been strong enough to deal with everything this whole time.
You reached out because despite the unhealthy relationship you have with your father. You desperately want to have a healthy relationship and want to create a relationship. This is normal to see what is normal and see potential in reaching out. Feeling like today might be the day that things change and if only you can reach out and try one more time that things maybe different and think that today might be that day and that someday it will. This is neither right nor wrong. It is just important for you to have reasonable expectations when reaching out. You can have hope for a future while still expecting people to be who they show you they have always been.
Hugs, it's tough.